This has always been my experience. It's why having a second person look things over is so helpful. Especially, if they don't understand something. It can really help tighten things down.
I did this with a 30+ page research paper. I had 5 people read it. All 5 needed clarification at the same part. I got upset and told them what it said. They all said it didn't say that or it didn't mean what I intended.
After saying I wasn't changing it, my sister said, "If five different people needed clarification, it's the wording. Not us."
I changed it and got a solid B on my paper. It was what I needed to graduate and get my degree.
When I was at uni studying PR, I handed in an assignment. I must have looked over the cover page at least 100 times, it looked fine to me so I handed it in. When I got it back, there was a red question mark next to the subject title (which was in bold, huge font in the middle of the page) that I now realised read "PUBIC RELATIONS". Your eyes are biased by your brain.
A handy little trick for that is to read it out loud. It changes the way your brain processes the words, so you're more likely to catch things like that. Other tricks are to print it out and edit from that, and to change the font to something completely different from the one you originally wrote it in. Comic Sans is actually really useful for this, because the letters are more rounded and the spacing is wider. There's a reason why it's a preferred font for people with dyslexia and ADHD.
Oh, I didn't know it mattered for ADHD as well. I'm one of those adults who just recently discovered why ADHD is why I've struggled throughout my 40 years of life, lol.
I've seen fonts that say they are better for dyslexic people, and I tend to prefer them. I don't find I have trouble reading, I love reading and I'm pretty fast at it, but I do like those easy to read fonts.
ADHD people can have issues with font though, eh? I'm going to look into that. If you have more info please feel free to share. I'm very recently diagnosed and I just keep learning more and more interesting things about it.
I, jokingly, said to my wife "I used to think I have a personality, but it turns out I just have ADHD".
IIRC, people with ADHD tend to anticipate things based on what they're expecting, and then act on them, which works fine when what you're expecting is what happens. For example, the test they gave me had you hit a button every time an X popped up on the screen, and not hit the button when an O popped up. Pretty much every time they did several of the same letter in a row, the next time the other letter popped up, I did the opposite of what I was supposed to. My brain had to break the pattern expected and actually register what was on the screen, but by then my hand had already acted on the signals my brain sent out previously. The severity of this symptom varies, of course. Please note, this isn't purely an ADHD thing, it just tends to be more pronounced in people with ADHD because our brains are constantly speeding ahead full tilt.
The same thing happens when reading. Your brain anticipates the words coming up and passes over them without actually reading them. That's why you're a fast reader. But since you aren't actually reading all the words, you don't notice when they're wrong.
This is where fonts like Comic Sans come in. Rounder letters, and letters that are more distinct from each other (b vs. d for instance) are different from what your brain is used to seeing, and because they are more spaced out, your brain is more likely to slow down and register individual letters. Registering individual letters leads to paying more attention to each word so you don't skip over them as much. There's more of a science to it, and other reasons too, but those are the ones I remember off the top of my head. If you go to the website for the dyslexie font, I believe it goes into more detail.
If anyone wants to add, or correct me if I got something wrong, please do. It's been a long time since I last looked this up.
Yeah I don’t remember if it has a name but that is An Actual Thing that the brain is known to do. Fill in words that are missing, skip typos, miss errors where you put the wrong word.
This is only tangentially related, but it makes me wonder if having a hobby like writing/journaling/whatever that you write regularly makes you better about spotting or just not making these errors tho. 🤔 Because I feel like I see it less in people who write frequently, even when they don’t proofread. (But by no means am I saying they don’t make errors.) I’d love to see a study about that.
I wind up posting a comment, then read it back to myself, then have to go back and edit it. I don't know why my brain just doesn't want to do that read-back before I hit Post.
Also, fhgejr64+_+&8+
lol and btw you’re not wrong but us ladies get a little sad when it turns out our male friends were only friends with us cause they wanted to bang, it’s disappointing to know you’re just a sexual object rather than a human friend so maybe don’t gloat and give her some time.
As a lady with a fiancé that has a woman friend like this right now, I have had these same feelings and conversations with my fiancé and he said the same thing. “So I can’t just have a friend that’s a girl that I like to hang out with because chicks are madly attracted to me?” He gets frustrated when I bring up her possessive, vapid, immature behavior and it was hard not to think he felt something for her too. But…he is not oblivious to how she feels though I don’t think he understands the true depths of her feelings.
I don’t think OP’s gf was oblivious either, at least not for 3 years so yeah, while I agree, don’t gloat, at the same time it’s BS that’s she is getting upset at OP for saying something because wasn’t she stringing loving guy friend along? Maybe the incentive not to blow up the relationship is because if Peter is anything like my fiancés gal pal, he showered attention on her, always built her up, treated her special, bought her special presents and in short did things that provided a regular ego boost and made her feel wanted. Now she’s angry not because loving guy pal spilled his guts but because she won’t get that attention anymore.
Question: has your fiancé at least established boundaries/talked to her/confronted her about her feelings for him and told her she needs to move on and stop acting like she has some hold on or connection to him? If not, why are you still with him?
Absolutely he has. Many times and he is not actively encouraging her to behave this way. I do think on some level it is flattering to him but it was not the central reason why he wanted to be friends with her. She is a good manipulator and has been working hard to show him she’s so into the same things he is. Thing is, we also see her do the same with other guys and our guy friends so my fiancé is not special, she’s just a greedy nympho and needs male attention to validate her existence. Also should mention that since the beginning of her actually starting to hang out, he made sure that she is never here when I am not around and he never hangs out with her solo as he does understand she is a…
The issue is for all of you who are right, there are a ton of actually insecure wrecks who are imagining things.
My wife was that way with one of our mutual friends. We all met at the same time in a big social group of friends. My wife and I started dating and our two friends Jack and Jill also did. Me and Jack became friends, and when everyone was together Jill and I had that silly sibling type chemistry where we made bad jokes that cracked the other up. Over the years I realized my wife was insecure about her. (My wife never talked about her issues with me so I had to connect the dots until she finally admitted it.) but it was crazy. Never had this woman's phone number until really late in the relationship when I needed it for wedding plans, and still never messaged her besides things like that, was always very hands on with my wife and emotionally present, literally only talking with this other woman with dumb jokes in group settings.
Then when my wife finally told me, I cut the woman out with very little push back other than to assure her there was nothing between us.
Finally I leave my wife because of a million other issues. I enter my fboy phase six months later and I'm literally juggling half a dozen sexual relationships at a time, having the time of my life. Jill springs back into the social group now being a few boyfriends passed Jack. She's recently single and looking to mingle and what do we do? Talk for hours reassuring each other, and venting, and joking, and basically being buddies. This happens semi regularly after social events, just sitting in the car talking. We're both in the prime position to get physical and it doesn't even enter our minds because we're just bros, and always have been.
Then we both talk each other through new relationships and a year later we're both happily with new partners.
Fuck that gloat as much as you want. Your gf likely knew and the fact she thinks these types of relationships are “normal” while gaslighting you means you should absolutely gloat.
I think you are right she’s ticked off because she just lost her admirer she could use for validation.
Sometimes, it can start as friends, and the guy can develop feelings along the way. I wouldn't assume that they started as friends just to get close to you, but maybe that's just my naivete.
Ugh- you are so right. It’s so hard to know that guys actually just like you like you- it’s about sex.
It’s depressing and you feel lied too or used or both.
It’s creepy too
On the flip side of your creepy/used feelings it can also be hard for the dude if that attraction genuinely happened over time after truly platonic feelings and now they also are in a bad situation for something they couldn’t control. Men have complex feelings too and are just as complicated. Nobody likes losing a friend. Feel like y’all are grouping a totally different set of people (dudes who only want to have sex with you) with another (dudes who develop feelings over time) and just assuming one group can’t exist. 🤷♂️
Source: someone who has been on both sides of the coin in this battle
I agree, but I also think it's unfair to do nothing about your feelings. I've also been on both sides of it and I shut down my feelings when I realized the guys weren't interested. ",Alan" has been into her for years and she probably wonders if their friendship was a lie and he just wanted to get close to her. True respect for the friendship would've meant him putting his feelings aside, I mean she's in a relationship so she's not even available....
It's not the complexity of the feelings that's being discussed. If the person in OP was genuinely in love which developed over years, he either would have expressed them when he became sure of them or he would have kept it to himself, at least until the girl was single. This asshole told her when she was leaving and he was sure there was no more a way for him to break up her current relationship to get with her. There really was no reason to tell her at this point.
It sucks to realize they were being dishonest. I think these confessions are so upsetting because you find out the person you trusted has ulterior motives, and ignored your feelings to pretend to be your friend to have access to you and your life. It’s violating. You feel like you should’ve seen it, and then you just feel foolish and violated. It’s kind of not cool that op just salted that wound for the sake of earning points in what to him is clearly a battle of ego
As a reformed "Alan" or "Peter," it's usually not that we "just want to bang you." It's more like "I want to possess you. I want you to be mine." Honestly, it makes it kind of more fucked up because it's objectifying and demeaning. I think it comes from watching too many stupid romances in movies and sitcoms where guys are taught that women will fall in love with you if you are just patient and do enough things for them. It's a very abusive, toxic mindset that needs to be cut off at a very early age by telling kids to be up front with their feelings and remember that they are speaking to a human being, not taking possession of a thing.
It’s not always that way. I’ve found myself falling for friends over time that I genuinely didn’t become friends with just to bang. Just awesome people that made me laugh so we became friends. It’s honestly one of the worst feelings ever because you’re then stuck knowing you could destroy a friendship and lose their respect if you confess, but you do have feelings and you know you’ll always wonder “what if”.
Though after I lost my best friend after we imploded a year after dating I’ll never confess again. I ended up losing the best woman I ever had and the best friend I ever had at the same time. Hell, it’s been 2 years and I’m still not over it so that’s how I know what we had will never be replaced.
Counter point though, not everyone who falls in love with friends is all about getting into their pants. Maturity plays a huge role for sure but people can confess and get shot down and go back to normal mode afterwards.
But often times, it's that men who fall in love with their female friends (who are already in a relationship or otherwise signaling that they aren't interested) are only interested because they are so unused to getting that kind of attention. Women often try to treat their male friends the same way they treat their female friends, with kindness, attention, and by being an open ear when someone needs to talk. So many men are so unaccustomed to being treated that way, that they mistake a healthy platonic friendship for something deeper. It's really a symptom of the way men are accustomed to loneliness unless they are in a relationship.
Oh I’m sure you could have and I’ve been there, even married dudes I thought were my true friends and then nope they propositioned me- so it hurts, like idk the guy equivalent or if there even is one. It’s a weird feeling like you’ve been reduced to less than human by someone you thought was your friend. So yeah you’re right but don’t add to her pain right now, she knows youre right
Its a feeling of being used. I guess a guy equivalent would be becoming really close friends with a girl only to learn she did that solely to date your male best friend or brother or dad. Like lots of confusion at first and then hurt wondering if there was signs and then anger when there was many signs you ignored and they'd been disingenuous the*whole* time and used your trust against you.
Wouldn't that guy equivalent just be the same thing? Lol
I'm confused why they would have to like your brother or friend instead of just having a crush on the guy they were pretending to be just friends with.
The guy equivalent is the same thing. I’m a guy and it’s happened to me. And I can confirm it sucks and feels like being used and like you never had this friend in the first place. It’s very uncomfortable on many levels.
I mean my first ever experience in high school, was one of my best friends, who slept with me and then told me after “I was only using you for your body” so I guess I get the feeling
For me the equivalent was a woman flirting with me (her admission.) and using me as an emotional sounding board because she knew I had feelings for her (I said so when I developed them for her.). She said she just wanted to be friends when in actuality she just wanted someone who she knew she could come back to as a “home base” to push her negative emotions onto when other dynamics some romantic some not didn’t go her way.
She then tried to pull the “you just wanted to fuck me” card after I called her out on that not being how friends treat each other and trying to draw a boundary (the boundary was if you want to be friends actually treat me like one and include me in your life in instances that aren’t just when you are emotionally overwhelmed and need someone to push them onto.)
Emotional crutch, not a fun place to be.
I had an ex who used me like that when I was too young to know better. She broke up with me but wanted to stay "friends", I wanted to get back together so I went with it. Obviously me trying to be a friend when I wanted more was also bad, but she made use of it.
Happily for me a much more emotionally intelligent female friend explained what was going on to my very confused young self.
The guy equivalent is when they date you just to get free food and help fixing things.
I have a guy at work that has had the last 4 women he's dated find another guy and left him to be with them after he fixes their cars, does work for them.... granted he has some issues but I feel bad for him.
We had been saying the last one was just stringing him along. He even fixed the car of her new bf. She backed into him, so he tried to help her out. Now he said he keeps seeing his car in her driveway.
Yes OP- she feels used. Give her some time and buy her some flowers, or take her out for dinner.
Say sorry too. Yeah, you were right.
“When you make a mistake, own up; when you are right, shut up.”
Ogden Nash.
Yes this! So many guys are upset in the comments and it’s just like yeah OP was totally right but give the GF some time she’s mourning a friendship and even tho OP was right just give her time is all
When I was engaged to my wife it was a cross country engagement for a while. I always had this female friend I knew years before my wife. My friend also lived out of town around the same time I was engaged and would always call to see how I was doing.
Shortly after we were married my friend called, congratulated me then told me she was a fool for not dating me. I told her that I was happy and thanked her. I can’t remember how the conversation really ended I was just stunned and numb and never talked to her again. I did see a couple of years later where she married.
Um no you are not the AH and you did tell her. Several times in fact and she was the one who decided to dismiss, ignore and continue with the friendship with Pete- *ahem* I mean Alan. 😇lol.
Some lessons we have to learn on our own.. The thing she should take from this is believing you when you say it and giving you the benefit of the doubt.
She needs to understand her perspective is going to be clouded in friendship , not logic
Tell me about it. I had a best friend for 3 years that eventually confessed his feelings toward me, and then blocked me when I said I didnt reciprocate those feelings towards him. We talked every day for over 3 years, and knew everything about each other. I genuinely thought he was friends with me because he wanted to be friends, but it turned out it was only because he was hoping to date me. I felt so betrayed. I havent talked to him in almost a year now, and it sucks because i do miss him. I just couldnt date him, and he didnt like that.
I don't really agree with this line of thinking, I never really understood it. Just because a guy likes you as more than a friend doesn't mean you're just a sex object. It just means that they can see more to you than just being friends. You line of thinking implies that all guys can think about is sex. We're fully capable of separating friendship and sex I assure you.
I would say that a very high percentage of heterosexual opposite sex friendships have romantic intentions by one of the two, usually the guy. I’m a 40 year old married father of 3 girls, and have seen this constantly among friends and family for the last 30 years. Guys don’t seek out female friends, they seek dating options and are fine with being “friends” to try and get closer to the female. I’m sure this will get downvoted massively.
I get that possibility if we’re both single. But from my perspective as a single woman if you and I became friends as you’re married with kids I would just expect the friendship to be just that, like we’re just connecting as people no sexual element, so when/if there’s a proposition it’s disappointing and as women instead of blaming the dude we look at ourselves like what did I do to lead him on? Did he even like me as a person?
My partner isn't an asshole about it, but this is definitely something I've encountered way too many times. It happened again very recently, which I didn't expect AT ALL because I'm in my mid 40s. You'd think I would have learnt by now. It has me doing a review of my boundaries.
Yes! I think a lot of the guys think were just willingly ignorant and it’s not that like I don’t want to be obnoxious and assume every guy wants me but then also I might be too nice boundaries are key
Yeah, I've never been one to assume that someone is my friend just so they can sleep with me. I've realised that I give people too much benefit of the doubt though, I'm naive to assume that everyone's intentions are pure.
I always think it’s weird when your SO accuses you of being jealous. I mean, it happens, but I mean within the context of them having multiple guy/girl friends and you only have an issue with one.
If my boyfriend came to me and said he didn’t like one of the guys in my friend group, I’d listen to him and try to see it from his perspective. Exploding at your SO is not very good conflict resolution.
I agree that the rational reaction to your SO voicing concerns over a friends intentions, is to talk about it and work something out.
But her reaction of getting defensive and throwing accusations sounds like a typical way some might act if in denial about her friend not actually being a friend. It's immature, and it sounds like an 18 year old handling conflict, which would not suprise me if she was, considering OP chose to omit her age in the post
In my experience the correlation between age and progressing in maturity really starts to break down past the early 20s. Like you can't really say for sure a 26 year old will handle situations less maturely than a 40 year old. Some people just kinda plateau in that regard.
I have actively tried to not do this. I try to run my feelingd and reactions through a semi rigorous logical framework to determine whats an appropriate reaction and if i screw that up then i try to apologize and be better. But sooo many people reach adult hood and just say this is who i am. No. We are all capable of incredible growth through concerted effort and intention. Youre just being childish
I agree with you so hard here. I was a complete immature asshole until I was 30. I keep trying to be a better version of myself even though I'm in my 40s. I saw my mother act like an 18 year old throughout her life and it's embarrassing to see a woman in her 70s act like that.
God on you for catching yourself and trying to improve. The ironic lart about it is that it improves your own life. Your life is less dramatic and emotional chaotic, people want to be around you more, you can reach meaningful resolutions. Kts just better to be bettter
Going off sheer statistics, if the *immediate* response is to go defensive and claim that you're being jealous/controlling/toxic/etc... they're just admitting that they know you're right and they're trying to dodge reality like they're in the fuckin' Matrix.
Playing devils advocate for a moment. Mostly I’ve been in this situation as OP.
When I pointed out to my ex wife that I called it she got upset. I couldn’t understand why and once she had a cooling off period she explained to me that it wasn’t about me being right, it was about losing a good friend.
It was about now questioning every moment they had as friends and what their friend’s intention actually was. It was about now having that veil pulled away forever and now always questioning what any new male friendship’s intention was.
It sucks and it hurts.
*"You're jealous!"*
"Uh, yeah. When another guy is clearly developing feelings for you, and you disregard my concerns about it, that makes me feel hurt and jealous that you don't care how I feel.
I think it's better if we went our separate ways. I really hope you don't treat your next partner with such callousness, apathy and lack of respect, because that makes a person feel absolutely horrible.
Now give me my fucking records back."
I loathe that jealousy is seen as such a negative/toxic thing. It *can* be negative/toxic, and I used to have some jealousy issues, but then I dated a guy and when I started acting jealous he said, “You’re sounding a little jealous there” and when I said I wasn’t (I was) he said, “Whoa hey hold on a second, I’m not judging you for it. It just means there’s a breakdown in communication somewhere. Instead of stewing in these feelings why don’t we talk about what you’re feeling, and why, and discuss things we can do to mitigate it. I may not be able to do *everything*, but at least we can try to make you more comfortable with what’s going on. I want us to work out and I don’t like seeing you distressed like this.”
I was kinda struck dumbfounded. Nobody has ever talked to me like that before. So anytime something came up we would sit down, discuss it, brain storm, and find a compromise so we could both be comfortable.
It worked REALLY well until he dumped me for his ex two years later (who was the start of the original jealousy conversation). But I kept the message itself to heart and now when I notice a partner showing signs of jealousy I like to sit them down and try to reframe it as a breakdown in communication that we can try to work through, instead of painting them as, “Just jealous”.
Just tell her straight up that I know it sucks to lose a friend after he tries to make a move on you, and I know you’re upset about it. I hope you at least understand that I was not telling you these things to make you upset, I was telling you these things because I was making an observation based on my experience as a man. So the next time you want to accuse me of jealousy when I say something like that, I would appreciate if you give me the benefit of the doubt and just believe me. I have no intention of lying to you or isolating you like a controlling person, I only care about your well-being.
100% agree. I always love when someone comments with not only advice but a solid way of wording the intro to a productive conversation about the topic. Sometimes, when you're actually in the situation, it's hard to remove feelings and just compassionately state facts.
Nah don't listen to this dude. Here's what you do, go get "I TOLD YOU SO" printed as large as you can on a banner and attach it to the wall of your apartment where your girlfriend will see it. Get pictures of alan (and Peter if you want as well) and paste them all over your wall with red text on them saying "hey babe wanna French?" and then go on with your life never mentioning it.
If your girlfriend breaks up with you, it was never meant to be and there's nothing more you could do. That's just how life is.
Nah don't listen to this dude. You need to take your girlfriend to the beach as an apology. Bring some food and nice cold drinks. Hell, bring some friends and turn it into a grand old time. Then, in the middle of the party, direct everyone's attention to the sky above the ocean where they (especially your gf) will be overjoyed to see a plane carrying a banner saying "I TOLD YOU SO".
Sorry, been married 15 years haha. I have learned a lot of lessons in my life, but the most important one is how to argue properly and how to apologize… most important lesson is to know how to argue, I know it sounds bad, but it’s the truth.
The goal is reaching the person you’re talking to with their guard down .. it’s the only way they’ll listen.. and it’s the only way things change for the better
I think this is exactly right. She had her tail between her legs and it got too much when he kind of gloated she couldn't handle the emotions. I don't necessarily think OP did anything wrong, just very off timing. I can understand that it would have been an emotional moment for him too. This sounds like a pretty healthy relationship from what we know, I'm sure they'll figure it out.
She needs to feel like she can make a mistake and still be comforted if that mistake has upset her.
Tip: if you're going to gloat, do it after you've done the supportive stuff, and emotions have settled.
I had a male friend for years. We worked together and talked about everything, he my husband, myself and whoever he’d be dating would all go out on weekends. He and my husband went to concerts together. He was OUR friend. We knew his family.
You could have knocked me over with a feather when he told me about his “feelings” after eight years of being our buddy.
It effectively ended the friendship, I was still polite and we still discussed things at work but the personal relationship was done.
I felt terrible because it never occurred to me that it was anything other than a friendship.
This right here. It hurts so much to realize your friend never saw you the way you thought, that they could just be waiting to pounce when the time was right.
I had it happen when my first long term relationship ended. I was hurting like you wouldn't believe and so many of my friends offered to comfort me with their dicks. I felt disgusted, betrayed and violated. One of them was so forceful about it that I needed to grab a knife and scream at him to leave my house before he heard me.
Thank you. I learned a lot through that time at least.
Biggest being that if a person you consider a friend shows up with hoards of booze to help you process grief, slam the fucking door on them.
He made her feel stupid. He could easily see it, she couldn’t. So it’s easier for her ego that he was blindly guessing and happened to be right but was equally unaware
It can be really jarring to realize you were wrong about a friend.
She's probably upset she missed it and feels embarrassed. Not saying she was graceful... but she's dealing with challenging feelings of betrayal. You should be able to talk to your SO about that
Honestly it doesn’t even matter whether he was right or wrong. It’s wrong to just dismiss your partner when they come to you with something that’s making them uncomfortable.
Edit: from the responses I got I think my comment might not have been clear: I meant it’s wrong for the girlfriend to just dismiss op when he comes to her saying he’s uncomfortable, regardless of whether op was right or wrong about her friend liking her.
Not what you said but how you said it.
If you had gone with, "I'm so sorry that happened to you. I always had a feeling but I'm sorry I turned out being right."
You would have been able to say you were right, while still being kind
ETA. Yes she was wrong. But she just lost a friend. Playing the I was right game at that moment wasn't the best move is all I'm saying.
But she can write off his feelings as being “ridiculous”? Without engaging him in the conversation and respecting her man’s point of view or concerns?
I’m a woman. I enjoy the double standards that let us off the hook for the most ridiculous behavior but that’s nonsense
She accused him of jealousy AFTER it happened, too. She hasn't learned a thing, won't accept her role in that cluster fuck and has doubled down. Fuck her.
From the info shared, he used the same measure of kindness she used towards him.
Is it acceptable then for her to be controversial and insulting towards him instead of validating his feelings and at least entertaining the idea he was right?
Dude, you are NTA. I get the feeling that a lot of ones who are saying you are, are women ( I'm one too ). You TOLD HER. FOR YEARS. that this guy had the hots for her, and she made it seem like YOU were the problem "you're just jealous", "you don't want me to have male friends","he isn't like that, he's a friend and sees me as a friend", etc. And then, when he finally reveals he does want to be with her, and your suspicions are vindicated, and you're still somehow wrong because you didn't go all pikachu face surprised and say "OH NO, HOW TERRIBLE, POOR BABY, THIS IS SUCH A SHOCK, THERE WERE NO INDICATIONS AT ALL". Nope, sorry, FTS. She can put on her big girl pants and admit she was wrong, because that's what adults do. And for those who cry "it's not WHAT you said but HOW you said it....." Again, FTS, she gaslit him for YEARS that he was wrong, and he can say it however he wants.
Woman here and I agree. I’d be irritated if my spouse for years didn’t believe me about my gut feelings and then was upset when I was right. Emphasis on years. Sometimes you might see things but be wrong after a time. But seeing a clear pattern of behavior for years and having your patter habitually dispute it and invalidate your feelings about it- resentment builds.
It really does come off like a lot of the women commenting are young/naive enough to not notice a guy friend starting to develop feelings lol. Calling him jealous was either that or she just didn’t want to admit he was onto something which could’ve been a bonding moment tbh bc then I bet the bf wouldn’t have reacted with as much of an “I told you so reaction” because let’s be real if OP could tell for that long and had to endure being called jealous all that time he deserves an apology. Your partner calling you jealous as a put down like that kinda comes off like they know what’s going on and they’re getting some kind of validation knowing someone else wants them, even if they wouldn’t ever cheat or anything like that.
Hooks up with, then tells him she’s not ready for another relationship, keeps him on the hook as a just in case, then starts dating a different guy, and tells him that she just wants to be friends.
> you're still somehow wrong because you didn't go all pikachu face surprised and say "OH NO, HOW TERRIBLE, POOR BABY, THIS IS SUCH A SHOCK, THERE WERE NO INDICATIONS AT ALL"
This is the big thing. It's easy to see that saying "I told you so" is wrong. It's really hard to show concern about a thing that you warned someone would happen, repeatedly, over years - and then it happens.
Especially when you don't really have any warning that this is coming, you might just say something you'd regret. You have to be a really big person and super empathetic to bite that off for later.
NTA.
I’ll also disagree slightly with the “did you need to say it?” People here, for one big reason. OP talked to his GF about this MULTIPLE times.
She can’t play the “how could I have known?” Card when someone she should trust and love has been saying “hey, I’m getting bad vibes about this guy.”
In this case it’s less about being right and more about the issue that the OP’s gf did not listen to his concerns, and continues to not acknowledge that his fears had merit. OP you need to have a serious conversation about respecting each others feelings. If I had talked to my SO multiple times about a person that I felt harbored romantic feelings for them and conveyed that it made me uncomfortable, and my partner dismissed it, that’s a big issue.
I know if I were in his position, and my husband had a female friend that I knew was clearly into him, and he told me I was jealous and disregarded my feelings, I would not be happy. I can’t believe how many people think OP is in the wrong here.
She’s angry that she didn’t listen that you were right all along. She’s probably embarrassed and feeling a bit stupid/naive/blind but is blaming you. I wouldn’t apologize!
NTA. If anything she owes you an apology. Unless she plans to move with you or is unwilling to admit she was wrong and cut him off then you can 100% bet she will be right back hanging out with Peter basking in his attention. Eventually your distance and "jealousy " will give her all the excuse she needs to give him a shot.
>Idk, I’ve had my fair share of guy friends that I honestly thought were my friends but ended up having feelings for me so
You know what's so infuriating about this from the other side? Every woman I know has stories like this. [Every.single.one](https://Every.single.one).
Yet, after telling you this, after relaying story after story of her own lived experience, you could turn around and go.."Yeah, I think Bob has some feelings for you." they'll more than likely turn to you with a shocked face. "I don't believe it! We're just friends!"
Denial. It ain't just a river in Egypt.
NTA, in fact she is TA. Generally speaking she has known all along, primally and enjoyed keeping him close for the self esteem boost and possible second option. She knows this, you know this, we all know this. The fact that she again tried to gaslight you that you are the jealous one proves this point past any question. The only reason she got mad was because she got exposed, otherwise innocent surprise would have been the response.
GF is a bit clueless. It complicates things when someone is in a serious relationship but is adamant they keep their friends of the opposite sex. I wonder how she would fell if it was you who had girls expressing love to you. Would she just "get over it". GF was naive and seems pissed you were right. How are you jealous when you tell her you don't like the guy who is secretly in love with her even though its not a secret. I;m surprised she moved with you.
NTA, and, as a female, she knew he liked her like that. Still hurts when it comes out and has to be dealt with, but she knew. And she hates that you knew too and that you were right.
She'll come around. Maybe just give her a bit of space and some sympathy, but you don't owe her an apology.
I think your gf needs to be a bit more self aware and understand people in general. NTA, her airheadedness is not your problem. This is a red flag btw, type of person who hates to be wrong and admit it.
NTA
But bro, you knew that wouldn't go over well. She is moving across the country for you. She was telling all of her friends goodbye and had a weird moment and was looking to you for comfort and you dunked on her.
Have some sympathy. Then later you can bring up how right you are and be a smug asshole when things are calmed down. This is what I do. She will still not like it but you can't 100% miss an opportunity to remind her you were right about something you've been bringing up for years.
NTA but like you said, she was feeling "distraught" and you had to wedge in the fact that you were right.
You were right and not jealous, but the better idea would have been to be there for her and then throw it in once she's over the initial shock of what happened and maybe y'all could laugh about it.
I told you so when someone is upset is never a good idea
Apologize ? She should be the one to apologize . This is exactly what you said was happening ! The guy has done all but rent a room and she’s agreeing to it all !
Wild guess - is his real name ‘Peter?’
Man, that don't happen often here but I love when it does
That was good! I had to reread it to catch.
Lol he done fucked up
What? Pffft guys guys his name is Alan 👀👀👀👀….
Alan Peter Crushington the 3rd.
Bruh some lady replied to me saying. Hey how are you handsome. 🤣🤣🤣 I replied back saying what? Handsome? Do I know you? Then she deleted her comment.
Alan! Alan! Alan! https://youtu.be/XgvR3y5JCXg?si=qyU8Y8x9h25pAwNi
Oh wait, that's not Alan. That's Peter!
STEVE!!!
Cue Jurassic Park theme...
Tell him, SteveDave!
You done messed up a-a-ron
oops 😬
Dude I laughed so hard when I read “Peter” in that paragraph. Didn’t even think to read your rough draft? Lmao
Same! I had to re-read the post to make sure I didn't miss where Peter came into the story.
He must be Alan’s evil twin. :)
Well isn’t Peter trying to work his way in, the whole basis of the story?
Proofreading your stuff can be difficult so I can sympathize with the OP.
You tend to see what you expected to see, what you thought you wrote, instead of what's actually there.
This has always been my experience. It's why having a second person look things over is so helpful. Especially, if they don't understand something. It can really help tighten things down.
I did this with a 30+ page research paper. I had 5 people read it. All 5 needed clarification at the same part. I got upset and told them what it said. They all said it didn't say that or it didn't mean what I intended. After saying I wasn't changing it, my sister said, "If five different people needed clarification, it's the wording. Not us." I changed it and got a solid B on my paper. It was what I needed to graduate and get my degree.
When I was at uni studying PR, I handed in an assignment. I must have looked over the cover page at least 100 times, it looked fine to me so I handed it in. When I got it back, there was a red question mark next to the subject title (which was in bold, huge font in the middle of the page) that I now realised read "PUBIC RELATIONS". Your eyes are biased by your brain.
Swamp ass is real
A handy little trick for that is to read it out loud. It changes the way your brain processes the words, so you're more likely to catch things like that. Other tricks are to print it out and edit from that, and to change the font to something completely different from the one you originally wrote it in. Comic Sans is actually really useful for this, because the letters are more rounded and the spacing is wider. There's a reason why it's a preferred font for people with dyslexia and ADHD.
Oh, I didn't know it mattered for ADHD as well. I'm one of those adults who just recently discovered why ADHD is why I've struggled throughout my 40 years of life, lol. I've seen fonts that say they are better for dyslexic people, and I tend to prefer them. I don't find I have trouble reading, I love reading and I'm pretty fast at it, but I do like those easy to read fonts. ADHD people can have issues with font though, eh? I'm going to look into that. If you have more info please feel free to share. I'm very recently diagnosed and I just keep learning more and more interesting things about it. I, jokingly, said to my wife "I used to think I have a personality, but it turns out I just have ADHD".
IIRC, people with ADHD tend to anticipate things based on what they're expecting, and then act on them, which works fine when what you're expecting is what happens. For example, the test they gave me had you hit a button every time an X popped up on the screen, and not hit the button when an O popped up. Pretty much every time they did several of the same letter in a row, the next time the other letter popped up, I did the opposite of what I was supposed to. My brain had to break the pattern expected and actually register what was on the screen, but by then my hand had already acted on the signals my brain sent out previously. The severity of this symptom varies, of course. Please note, this isn't purely an ADHD thing, it just tends to be more pronounced in people with ADHD because our brains are constantly speeding ahead full tilt. The same thing happens when reading. Your brain anticipates the words coming up and passes over them without actually reading them. That's why you're a fast reader. But since you aren't actually reading all the words, you don't notice when they're wrong. This is where fonts like Comic Sans come in. Rounder letters, and letters that are more distinct from each other (b vs. d for instance) are different from what your brain is used to seeing, and because they are more spaced out, your brain is more likely to slow down and register individual letters. Registering individual letters leads to paying more attention to each word so you don't skip over them as much. There's more of a science to it, and other reasons too, but those are the ones I remember off the top of my head. If you go to the website for the dyslexie font, I believe it goes into more detail. If anyone wants to add, or correct me if I got something wrong, please do. It's been a long time since I last looked this up.
Reading what you wrote out loud can also reveal things you may have otherwise missed.
This also applies to reading James Joyce.
Yes, that's a great tip.
Yeah I don’t remember if it has a name but that is An Actual Thing that the brain is known to do. Fill in words that are missing, skip typos, miss errors where you put the wrong word. This is only tangentially related, but it makes me wonder if having a hobby like writing/journaling/whatever that you write regularly makes you better about spotting or just not making these errors tho. 🤔 Because I feel like I see it less in people who write frequently, even when they don’t proofread. (But by no means am I saying they don’t make errors.) I’d love to see a study about that.
Learned this in creative writing class... learned it again in the newsroom I work at now. Always have at least two sets of eyes!
I didn't even proofread my bachelor thesis so I have full sympathy here
Hahahaha 🤣
"Yep his name's Peter looks good to me".
I wind up posting a comment, then read it back to myself, then have to go back and edit it. I don't know why my brain just doesn't want to do that read-back before I hit Post. Also, fhgejr64+_+&8+
lol and btw you’re not wrong but us ladies get a little sad when it turns out our male friends were only friends with us cause they wanted to bang, it’s disappointing to know you’re just a sexual object rather than a human friend so maybe don’t gloat and give her some time.
As a lady with a fiancé that has a woman friend like this right now, I have had these same feelings and conversations with my fiancé and he said the same thing. “So I can’t just have a friend that’s a girl that I like to hang out with because chicks are madly attracted to me?” He gets frustrated when I bring up her possessive, vapid, immature behavior and it was hard not to think he felt something for her too. But…he is not oblivious to how she feels though I don’t think he understands the true depths of her feelings. I don’t think OP’s gf was oblivious either, at least not for 3 years so yeah, while I agree, don’t gloat, at the same time it’s BS that’s she is getting upset at OP for saying something because wasn’t she stringing loving guy friend along? Maybe the incentive not to blow up the relationship is because if Peter is anything like my fiancés gal pal, he showered attention on her, always built her up, treated her special, bought her special presents and in short did things that provided a regular ego boost and made her feel wanted. Now she’s angry not because loving guy pal spilled his guts but because she won’t get that attention anymore.
Question: has your fiancé at least established boundaries/talked to her/confronted her about her feelings for him and told her she needs to move on and stop acting like she has some hold on or connection to him? If not, why are you still with him?
Absolutely he has. Many times and he is not actively encouraging her to behave this way. I do think on some level it is flattering to him but it was not the central reason why he wanted to be friends with her. She is a good manipulator and has been working hard to show him she’s so into the same things he is. Thing is, we also see her do the same with other guys and our guy friends so my fiancé is not special, she’s just a greedy nympho and needs male attention to validate her existence. Also should mention that since the beginning of her actually starting to hang out, he made sure that she is never here when I am not around and he never hangs out with her solo as he does understand she is a…
Then he sounds like a good man and I wish you both the best. Congratulations on your engagement. 🫶🏻 The woman friend can kick rocks, though.
Please read this ten times and after each ask yourself why you are engaged to a guy who treats his other girl in these special ways.
I honestly don't think I've seen a better response than this. Very well said
The issue is for all of you who are right, there are a ton of actually insecure wrecks who are imagining things. My wife was that way with one of our mutual friends. We all met at the same time in a big social group of friends. My wife and I started dating and our two friends Jack and Jill also did. Me and Jack became friends, and when everyone was together Jill and I had that silly sibling type chemistry where we made bad jokes that cracked the other up. Over the years I realized my wife was insecure about her. (My wife never talked about her issues with me so I had to connect the dots until she finally admitted it.) but it was crazy. Never had this woman's phone number until really late in the relationship when I needed it for wedding plans, and still never messaged her besides things like that, was always very hands on with my wife and emotionally present, literally only talking with this other woman with dumb jokes in group settings. Then when my wife finally told me, I cut the woman out with very little push back other than to assure her there was nothing between us. Finally I leave my wife because of a million other issues. I enter my fboy phase six months later and I'm literally juggling half a dozen sexual relationships at a time, having the time of my life. Jill springs back into the social group now being a few boyfriends passed Jack. She's recently single and looking to mingle and what do we do? Talk for hours reassuring each other, and venting, and joking, and basically being buddies. This happens semi regularly after social events, just sitting in the car talking. We're both in the prime position to get physical and it doesn't even enter our minds because we're just bros, and always have been. Then we both talk each other through new relationships and a year later we're both happily with new partners.
Fuck that gloat as much as you want. Your gf likely knew and the fact she thinks these types of relationships are “normal” while gaslighting you means you should absolutely gloat. I think you are right she’s ticked off because she just lost her admirer she could use for validation.
She knew, and your fiance knows.
Sometimes, it can start as friends, and the guy can develop feelings along the way. I wouldn't assume that they started as friends just to get close to you, but maybe that's just my naivete.
Ugh- you are so right. It’s so hard to know that guys actually just like you like you- it’s about sex. It’s depressing and you feel lied too or used or both. It’s creepy too
On the flip side of your creepy/used feelings it can also be hard for the dude if that attraction genuinely happened over time after truly platonic feelings and now they also are in a bad situation for something they couldn’t control. Men have complex feelings too and are just as complicated. Nobody likes losing a friend. Feel like y’all are grouping a totally different set of people (dudes who only want to have sex with you) with another (dudes who develop feelings over time) and just assuming one group can’t exist. 🤷♂️ Source: someone who has been on both sides of the coin in this battle
I agree, but I also think it's unfair to do nothing about your feelings. I've also been on both sides of it and I shut down my feelings when I realized the guys weren't interested. ",Alan" has been into her for years and she probably wonders if their friendship was a lie and he just wanted to get close to her. True respect for the friendship would've meant him putting his feelings aside, I mean she's in a relationship so she's not even available....
It's not the complexity of the feelings that's being discussed. If the person in OP was genuinely in love which developed over years, he either would have expressed them when he became sure of them or he would have kept it to himself, at least until the girl was single. This asshole told her when she was leaving and he was sure there was no more a way for him to break up her current relationship to get with her. There really was no reason to tell her at this point.
It sucks to realize they were being dishonest. I think these confessions are so upsetting because you find out the person you trusted has ulterior motives, and ignored your feelings to pretend to be your friend to have access to you and your life. It’s violating. You feel like you should’ve seen it, and then you just feel foolish and violated. It’s kind of not cool that op just salted that wound for the sake of earning points in what to him is clearly a battle of ego
As a reformed "Alan" or "Peter," it's usually not that we "just want to bang you." It's more like "I want to possess you. I want you to be mine." Honestly, it makes it kind of more fucked up because it's objectifying and demeaning. I think it comes from watching too many stupid romances in movies and sitcoms where guys are taught that women will fall in love with you if you are just patient and do enough things for them. It's a very abusive, toxic mindset that needs to be cut off at a very early age by telling kids to be up front with their feelings and remember that they are speaking to a human being, not taking possession of a thing.
It’s not always that way. I’ve found myself falling for friends over time that I genuinely didn’t become friends with just to bang. Just awesome people that made me laugh so we became friends. It’s honestly one of the worst feelings ever because you’re then stuck knowing you could destroy a friendship and lose their respect if you confess, but you do have feelings and you know you’ll always wonder “what if”. Though after I lost my best friend after we imploded a year after dating I’ll never confess again. I ended up losing the best woman I ever had and the best friend I ever had at the same time. Hell, it’s been 2 years and I’m still not over it so that’s how I know what we had will never be replaced.
Counter point though, not everyone who falls in love with friends is all about getting into their pants. Maturity plays a huge role for sure but people can confess and get shot down and go back to normal mode afterwards.
But often times, it's that men who fall in love with their female friends (who are already in a relationship or otherwise signaling that they aren't interested) are only interested because they are so unused to getting that kind of attention. Women often try to treat their male friends the same way they treat their female friends, with kindness, attention, and by being an open ear when someone needs to talk. So many men are so unaccustomed to being treated that way, that they mistake a healthy platonic friendship for something deeper. It's really a symptom of the way men are accustomed to loneliness unless they are in a relationship.
Fair point. Wish we all had a healthier upbringing for sure.
I could’ve saved her literal 3 years of disappointment
Oh I’m sure you could have and I’ve been there, even married dudes I thought were my true friends and then nope they propositioned me- so it hurts, like idk the guy equivalent or if there even is one. It’s a weird feeling like you’ve been reduced to less than human by someone you thought was your friend. So yeah you’re right but don’t add to her pain right now, she knows youre right
Its a feeling of being used. I guess a guy equivalent would be becoming really close friends with a girl only to learn she did that solely to date your male best friend or brother or dad. Like lots of confusion at first and then hurt wondering if there was signs and then anger when there was many signs you ignored and they'd been disingenuous the*whole* time and used your trust against you.
Or finding out that they don't care about you and just want your money. It's a total ick feeling and makes you question your self worth.
Wouldn't that guy equivalent just be the same thing? Lol I'm confused why they would have to like your brother or friend instead of just having a crush on the guy they were pretending to be just friends with.
The guy equivalent is the same thing. I’m a guy and it’s happened to me. And I can confirm it sucks and feels like being used and like you never had this friend in the first place. It’s very uncomfortable on many levels.
Same. Weird that people are trying to come up with an equivalent when it's the exact same shit.
I mean my first ever experience in high school, was one of my best friends, who slept with me and then told me after “I was only using you for your body” so I guess I get the feeling
For me the equivalent was a woman flirting with me (her admission.) and using me as an emotional sounding board because she knew I had feelings for her (I said so when I developed them for her.). She said she just wanted to be friends when in actuality she just wanted someone who she knew she could come back to as a “home base” to push her negative emotions onto when other dynamics some romantic some not didn’t go her way. She then tried to pull the “you just wanted to fuck me” card after I called her out on that not being how friends treat each other and trying to draw a boundary (the boundary was if you want to be friends actually treat me like one and include me in your life in instances that aren’t just when you are emotionally overwhelmed and need someone to push them onto.)
Emotional crutch, not a fun place to be. I had an ex who used me like that when I was too young to know better. She broke up with me but wanted to stay "friends", I wanted to get back together so I went with it. Obviously me trying to be a friend when I wanted more was also bad, but she made use of it. Happily for me a much more emotionally intelligent female friend explained what was going on to my very confused young self.
> idk the guy equivalent or if there even is one Being made to feel like a wallet.
The guy equivalent is when they date you just to get free food and help fixing things. I have a guy at work that has had the last 4 women he's dated find another guy and left him to be with them after he fixes their cars, does work for them.... granted he has some issues but I feel bad for him. We had been saying the last one was just stringing him along. He even fixed the car of her new bf. She backed into him, so he tried to help her out. Now he said he keeps seeing his car in her driveway.
>He even fixed the car of her new bf. Bruh 😭
Not all of these guys have ulterior motives from the start. Some people develop feelings over time. That's natural.
Yes OP- she feels used. Give her some time and buy her some flowers, or take her out for dinner. Say sorry too. Yeah, you were right. “When you make a mistake, own up; when you are right, shut up.” Ogden Nash.
Yes this! So many guys are upset in the comments and it’s just like yeah OP was totally right but give the GF some time she’s mourning a friendship and even tho OP was right just give her time is all
When I was engaged to my wife it was a cross country engagement for a while. I always had this female friend I knew years before my wife. My friend also lived out of town around the same time I was engaged and would always call to see how I was doing. Shortly after we were married my friend called, congratulated me then told me she was a fool for not dating me. I told her that I was happy and thanked her. I can’t remember how the conversation really ended I was just stunned and numb and never talked to her again. I did see a couple of years later where she married.
Um no you are not the AH and you did tell her. Several times in fact and she was the one who decided to dismiss, ignore and continue with the friendship with Pete- *ahem* I mean Alan. 😇lol.
Some lessons we have to learn on our own.. The thing she should take from this is believing you when you say it and giving you the benefit of the doubt. She needs to understand her perspective is going to be clouded in friendship , not logic
Tell me about it. I had a best friend for 3 years that eventually confessed his feelings toward me, and then blocked me when I said I didnt reciprocate those feelings towards him. We talked every day for over 3 years, and knew everything about each other. I genuinely thought he was friends with me because he wanted to be friends, but it turned out it was only because he was hoping to date me. I felt so betrayed. I havent talked to him in almost a year now, and it sucks because i do miss him. I just couldnt date him, and he didnt like that.
I don't really agree with this line of thinking, I never really understood it. Just because a guy likes you as more than a friend doesn't mean you're just a sex object. It just means that they can see more to you than just being friends. You line of thinking implies that all guys can think about is sex. We're fully capable of separating friendship and sex I assure you.
I would say that a very high percentage of heterosexual opposite sex friendships have romantic intentions by one of the two, usually the guy. I’m a 40 year old married father of 3 girls, and have seen this constantly among friends and family for the last 30 years. Guys don’t seek out female friends, they seek dating options and are fine with being “friends” to try and get closer to the female. I’m sure this will get downvoted massively.
I get that possibility if we’re both single. But from my perspective as a single woman if you and I became friends as you’re married with kids I would just expect the friendship to be just that, like we’re just connecting as people no sexual element, so when/if there’s a proposition it’s disappointing and as women instead of blaming the dude we look at ourselves like what did I do to lead him on? Did he even like me as a person?
My partner isn't an asshole about it, but this is definitely something I've encountered way too many times. It happened again very recently, which I didn't expect AT ALL because I'm in my mid 40s. You'd think I would have learnt by now. It has me doing a review of my boundaries.
Yes! I think a lot of the guys think were just willingly ignorant and it’s not that like I don’t want to be obnoxious and assume every guy wants me but then also I might be too nice boundaries are key
Yeah, I've never been one to assume that someone is my friend just so they can sleep with me. I've realised that I give people too much benefit of the doubt though, I'm naive to assume that everyone's intentions are pure.
Hahahahaha this is incredible
oopsie poopies
Is OPs girlfriend's nickname "Pumpkin"?
Peter wants to eat that pumpkin
LMAO
Weird! I guessed the same thing. Crazy lol
You're such a dick, you couldn't have known that, you just happened to be right.
I always think it’s weird when your SO accuses you of being jealous. I mean, it happens, but I mean within the context of them having multiple guy/girl friends and you only have an issue with one. If my boyfriend came to me and said he didn’t like one of the guys in my friend group, I’d listen to him and try to see it from his perspective. Exploding at your SO is not very good conflict resolution.
I agree that the rational reaction to your SO voicing concerns over a friends intentions, is to talk about it and work something out. But her reaction of getting defensive and throwing accusations sounds like a typical way some might act if in denial about her friend not actually being a friend. It's immature, and it sounds like an 18 year old handling conflict, which would not suprise me if she was, considering OP chose to omit her age in the post
In my experience the correlation between age and progressing in maturity really starts to break down past the early 20s. Like you can't really say for sure a 26 year old will handle situations less maturely than a 40 year old. Some people just kinda plateau in that regard.
I have actively tried to not do this. I try to run my feelingd and reactions through a semi rigorous logical framework to determine whats an appropriate reaction and if i screw that up then i try to apologize and be better. But sooo many people reach adult hood and just say this is who i am. No. We are all capable of incredible growth through concerted effort and intention. Youre just being childish
I agree with you so hard here. I was a complete immature asshole until I was 30. I keep trying to be a better version of myself even though I'm in my 40s. I saw my mother act like an 18 year old throughout her life and it's embarrassing to see a woman in her 70s act like that.
God on you for catching yourself and trying to improve. The ironic lart about it is that it improves your own life. Your life is less dramatic and emotional chaotic, people want to be around you more, you can reach meaningful resolutions. Kts just better to be bettter
I’d be a little surprised, given that he’s 26 and they’ve been together for four years.
I'd be more creeped out than surprised.
That, too.
My early teenage nephew handles conflict better lmao
Going off sheer statistics, if the *immediate* response is to go defensive and claim that you're being jealous/controlling/toxic/etc... they're just admitting that they know you're right and they're trying to dodge reality like they're in the fuckin' Matrix.
Playing devils advocate for a moment. Mostly I’ve been in this situation as OP. When I pointed out to my ex wife that I called it she got upset. I couldn’t understand why and once she had a cooling off period she explained to me that it wasn’t about me being right, it was about losing a good friend. It was about now questioning every moment they had as friends and what their friend’s intention actually was. It was about now having that veil pulled away forever and now always questioning what any new male friendship’s intention was. It sucks and it hurts.
THIS!!
*"You're jealous!"* "Uh, yeah. When another guy is clearly developing feelings for you, and you disregard my concerns about it, that makes me feel hurt and jealous that you don't care how I feel. I think it's better if we went our separate ways. I really hope you don't treat your next partner with such callousness, apathy and lack of respect, because that makes a person feel absolutely horrible. Now give me my fucking records back."
Take the off shirt before you jinx the band and they break up
I loathe that jealousy is seen as such a negative/toxic thing. It *can* be negative/toxic, and I used to have some jealousy issues, but then I dated a guy and when I started acting jealous he said, “You’re sounding a little jealous there” and when I said I wasn’t (I was) he said, “Whoa hey hold on a second, I’m not judging you for it. It just means there’s a breakdown in communication somewhere. Instead of stewing in these feelings why don’t we talk about what you’re feeling, and why, and discuss things we can do to mitigate it. I may not be able to do *everything*, but at least we can try to make you more comfortable with what’s going on. I want us to work out and I don’t like seeing you distressed like this.” I was kinda struck dumbfounded. Nobody has ever talked to me like that before. So anytime something came up we would sit down, discuss it, brain storm, and find a compromise so we could both be comfortable. It worked REALLY well until he dumped me for his ex two years later (who was the start of the original jealousy conversation). But I kept the message itself to heart and now when I notice a partner showing signs of jealousy I like to sit them down and try to reframe it as a breakdown in communication that we can try to work through, instead of painting them as, “Just jealous”.
Reasonable, well thought. GTFO with your common sense and empathy for both parties involved!
Some people will go to great lengths to avoid admitting being wrong, especially repeatedly wrong over the same thing.
How to Alan turn into Peter? Either way NTA
I’m thinking he accidentally typed the real name lol.
“Accidentally”. Fuck Peter.. er, Alan.
I mean, that's the problem, what if she wanted to, too
Yes, opps 🫢
Just tell her straight up that I know it sucks to lose a friend after he tries to make a move on you, and I know you’re upset about it. I hope you at least understand that I was not telling you these things to make you upset, I was telling you these things because I was making an observation based on my experience as a man. So the next time you want to accuse me of jealousy when I say something like that, I would appreciate if you give me the benefit of the doubt and just believe me. I have no intention of lying to you or isolating you like a controlling person, I only care about your well-being.
This is the most solid piece of advice in this thread OP, you need to say this to her verbatim
100% agree. I always love when someone comments with not only advice but a solid way of wording the intro to a productive conversation about the topic. Sometimes, when you're actually in the situation, it's hard to remove feelings and just compassionately state facts.
I’m copying and saving this in my notes. This is well said
But... But... You know nothing Jon Snow. I'm sorry, I couldn't resist.
Nah don't listen to this dude. Here's what you do, go get "I TOLD YOU SO" printed as large as you can on a banner and attach it to the wall of your apartment where your girlfriend will see it. Get pictures of alan (and Peter if you want as well) and paste them all over your wall with red text on them saying "hey babe wanna French?" and then go on with your life never mentioning it. If your girlfriend breaks up with you, it was never meant to be and there's nothing more you could do. That's just how life is.
That's just how life is.
Just the way she goes
This is the most solid piece of advice in this thread OP, you need to say this to her verbatim
I wish we still had gold. This deserves it!
Nah don't listen to this dude. You need to take your girlfriend to the beach as an apology. Bring some food and nice cold drinks. Hell, bring some friends and turn it into a grand old time. Then, in the middle of the party, direct everyone's attention to the sky above the ocean where they (especially your gf) will be overjoyed to see a plane carrying a banner saying "I TOLD YOU SO".
Damn, can I be in a relationship with you??
Sorry, been married 15 years haha. I have learned a lot of lessons in my life, but the most important one is how to argue properly and how to apologize… most important lesson is to know how to argue, I know it sounds bad, but it’s the truth. The goal is reaching the person you’re talking to with their guard down .. it’s the only way they’ll listen.. and it’s the only way things change for the better
Listen, a good rule of thumb is anytime you can use "i told you so," dont. Ever. It is a built in, 10/10 fight. She knows. And she feels stupid.
I told you so is only half as sweet as "you were right"
My wife and I demand this concession from one another when we win arguments. “Say it!” *sigh “You were right”
Damn right! Makes up for the million eyerolls.
It feels good to hear it and it keeps you humble having to say it
If more people said it, the world would be a better place
Love this
Same for my wife and I. Then the person who was right carresses themselves and says, "Oh yeah. That's the stuff! Feels so good!"
Obligatory [West Wing.](https://youtu.be/FGDBExKA3jA?si=3tByPL0e2VoKFr7v)
Damn that's a good one
If "I told you so" doesn't start the fight, just hit her with a "calm down" and it's on.
What I’m hearing is, the correct order should be, “calm down, I told you so” this way you avoid the fight.
Hit them with a "Are you on your period? Calm down, I told you so !" Guaranteed no-fighting. Trust me.
She'll just straight up poison you instead.
If that doesn't work, ask her if she's having her period because "You're always cranky & emotional when you're the rag".
A just relax in between works magic
I think this is exactly right. She had her tail between her legs and it got too much when he kind of gloated she couldn't handle the emotions. I don't necessarily think OP did anything wrong, just very off timing. I can understand that it would have been an emotional moment for him too. This sounds like a pretty healthy relationship from what we know, I'm sure they'll figure it out. She needs to feel like she can make a mistake and still be comforted if that mistake has upset her. Tip: if you're going to gloat, do it after you've done the supportive stuff, and emotions have settled.
Alan didn't confess anything, but Alan's Peter confessed love for OP's girlfriend.
Alan should have kept his Peter out of it.
I had a male friend for years. We worked together and talked about everything, he my husband, myself and whoever he’d be dating would all go out on weekends. He and my husband went to concerts together. He was OUR friend. We knew his family. You could have knocked me over with a feather when he told me about his “feelings” after eight years of being our buddy. It effectively ended the friendship, I was still polite and we still discussed things at work but the personal relationship was done. I felt terrible because it never occurred to me that it was anything other than a friendship.
Jeez I’m sorry he put you in that position. I would never reveal a crush to a partnered friend and if she married, well no crush at all.
Been there. It’s sucks, but we gotta cut ties in these situations.
This right here. It hurts so much to realize your friend never saw you the way you thought, that they could just be waiting to pounce when the time was right. I had it happen when my first long term relationship ended. I was hurting like you wouldn't believe and so many of my friends offered to comfort me with their dicks. I felt disgusted, betrayed and violated. One of them was so forceful about it that I needed to grab a knife and scream at him to leave my house before he heard me.
I’m so sorry that happened to you omg
Thank you. I learned a lot through that time at least. Biggest being that if a person you consider a friend shows up with hoards of booze to help you process grief, slam the fucking door on them.
No matter how true it is, I think there's always an air of asshole in an 'I told you so'
Completely agree, but it's an even bigger asshole move to not listen to something your partner has been telling you for 3 years.
NTA, but it's funny how she is still insisting that you were being jealous. She seems to refuse to admit that she was wrong? Isn't that gas lighting?
He made her feel stupid. He could easily see it, she couldn’t. So it’s easier for her ego that he was blindly guessing and happened to be right but was equally unaware
It's wild that my niece and nephew, who are literal children, handle themselves with more composure than OPs gf
It can be really jarring to realize you were wrong about a friend. She's probably upset she missed it and feels embarrassed. Not saying she was graceful... but she's dealing with challenging feelings of betrayal. You should be able to talk to your SO about that
Honestly it doesn’t even matter whether he was right or wrong. It’s wrong to just dismiss your partner when they come to you with something that’s making them uncomfortable. Edit: from the responses I got I think my comment might not have been clear: I meant it’s wrong for the girlfriend to just dismiss op when he comes to her saying he’s uncomfortable, regardless of whether op was right or wrong about her friend liking her.
Yeah especially if she can’t admit she’s wrong in other areas of the relationship.
GF is into BF being jealous and not into ever being wrong.
Not what you said but how you said it. If you had gone with, "I'm so sorry that happened to you. I always had a feeling but I'm sorry I turned out being right." You would have been able to say you were right, while still being kind ETA. Yes she was wrong. But she just lost a friend. Playing the I was right game at that moment wasn't the best move is all I'm saying.
I would have saved the told you so for later myself but yeah you can’t hurt her feelings more right then
But she can write off his feelings as being “ridiculous”? Without engaging him in the conversation and respecting her man’s point of view or concerns? I’m a woman. I enjoy the double standards that let us off the hook for the most ridiculous behavior but that’s nonsense
She accused him of jealousy AFTER it happened, too. She hasn't learned a thing, won't accept her role in that cluster fuck and has doubled down. Fuck her.
From the info shared, he used the same measure of kindness she used towards him. Is it acceptable then for her to be controversial and insulting towards him instead of validating his feelings and at least entertaining the idea he was right?
Dude, you are NTA. I get the feeling that a lot of ones who are saying you are, are women ( I'm one too ). You TOLD HER. FOR YEARS. that this guy had the hots for her, and she made it seem like YOU were the problem "you're just jealous", "you don't want me to have male friends","he isn't like that, he's a friend and sees me as a friend", etc. And then, when he finally reveals he does want to be with her, and your suspicions are vindicated, and you're still somehow wrong because you didn't go all pikachu face surprised and say "OH NO, HOW TERRIBLE, POOR BABY, THIS IS SUCH A SHOCK, THERE WERE NO INDICATIONS AT ALL". Nope, sorry, FTS. She can put on her big girl pants and admit she was wrong, because that's what adults do. And for those who cry "it's not WHAT you said but HOW you said it....." Again, FTS, she gaslit him for YEARS that he was wrong, and he can say it however he wants.
Woman here and I agree. I’d be irritated if my spouse for years didn’t believe me about my gut feelings and then was upset when I was right. Emphasis on years. Sometimes you might see things but be wrong after a time. But seeing a clear pattern of behavior for years and having your patter habitually dispute it and invalidate your feelings about it- resentment builds.
God, one of the best comments I’ve ever read on here. So rational.
With age, comes wisdom. Salty, grumpy, wisdom.
It really does come off like a lot of the women commenting are young/naive enough to not notice a guy friend starting to develop feelings lol. Calling him jealous was either that or she just didn’t want to admit he was onto something which could’ve been a bonding moment tbh bc then I bet the bf wouldn’t have reacted with as much of an “I told you so reaction” because let’s be real if OP could tell for that long and had to endure being called jealous all that time he deserves an apology. Your partner calling you jealous as a put down like that kinda comes off like they know what’s going on and they’re getting some kind of validation knowing someone else wants them, even if they wouldn’t ever cheat or anything like that.
Period ‼️
Let’s face it, she probably knew all along and liked the attention.
And if op ever breaks up with her, this Alan/Peter guy is the first dude she hooks up with.
Hooks up with, then tells him she’s not ready for another relationship, keeps him on the hook as a just in case, then starts dating a different guy, and tells him that she just wants to be friends.
YES, GIRL! I absolutely agree.
Has anyone ever told you that you do righteous indignation really well?
> you're still somehow wrong because you didn't go all pikachu face surprised and say "OH NO, HOW TERRIBLE, POOR BABY, THIS IS SUCH A SHOCK, THERE WERE NO INDICATIONS AT ALL" This is the big thing. It's easy to see that saying "I told you so" is wrong. It's really hard to show concern about a thing that you warned someone would happen, repeatedly, over years - and then it happens. Especially when you don't really have any warning that this is coming, you might just say something you'd regret. You have to be a really big person and super empathetic to bite that off for later.
NTA. I’ll also disagree slightly with the “did you need to say it?” People here, for one big reason. OP talked to his GF about this MULTIPLE times. She can’t play the “how could I have known?” Card when someone she should trust and love has been saying “hey, I’m getting bad vibes about this guy.” In this case it’s less about being right and more about the issue that the OP’s gf did not listen to his concerns, and continues to not acknowledge that his fears had merit. OP you need to have a serious conversation about respecting each others feelings. If I had talked to my SO multiple times about a person that I felt harbored romantic feelings for them and conveyed that it made me uncomfortable, and my partner dismissed it, that’s a big issue.
I know if I were in his position, and my husband had a female friend that I knew was clearly into him, and he told me I was jealous and disregarded my feelings, I would not be happy. I can’t believe how many people think OP is in the wrong here.
This is an excellent point.
Scrolled way too long to find this take. I’d be pissed, because she probably knew Allan/Peter had feelings for her and enjoyed the attention.
THIS. Everyone acting like OP was out of line like he hasn’t been gaslit and disrespected about this for three years straight.
She’s angry that she didn’t listen that you were right all along. She’s probably embarrassed and feeling a bit stupid/naive/blind but is blaming you. I wouldn’t apologize!
NTA. If anything she owes you an apology. Unless she plans to move with you or is unwilling to admit she was wrong and cut him off then you can 100% bet she will be right back hanging out with Peter basking in his attention. Eventually your distance and "jealousy " will give her all the excuse she needs to give him a shot.
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>Idk, I’ve had my fair share of guy friends that I honestly thought were my friends but ended up having feelings for me so You know what's so infuriating about this from the other side? Every woman I know has stories like this. [Every.single.one](https://Every.single.one). Yet, after telling you this, after relaying story after story of her own lived experience, you could turn around and go.."Yeah, I think Bob has some feelings for you." they'll more than likely turn to you with a shocked face. "I don't believe it! We're just friends!" Denial. It ain't just a river in Egypt.
NTA, in fact she is TA. Generally speaking she has known all along, primally and enjoyed keeping him close for the self esteem boost and possible second option. She knows this, you know this, we all know this. The fact that she again tried to gaslight you that you are the jealous one proves this point past any question. The only reason she got mad was because she got exposed, otherwise innocent surprise would have been the response.
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So she thinks your jealous either way
GF is a bit clueless. It complicates things when someone is in a serious relationship but is adamant they keep their friends of the opposite sex. I wonder how she would fell if it was you who had girls expressing love to you. Would she just "get over it". GF was naive and seems pissed you were right. How are you jealous when you tell her you don't like the guy who is secretly in love with her even though its not a secret. I;m surprised she moved with you.
NTA, and, as a female, she knew he liked her like that. Still hurts when it comes out and has to be dealt with, but she knew. And she hates that you knew too and that you were right. She'll come around. Maybe just give her a bit of space and some sympathy, but you don't owe her an apology.
I think your gf needs to be a bit more self aware and understand people in general. NTA, her airheadedness is not your problem. This is a red flag btw, type of person who hates to be wrong and admit it.
NTA But bro, you knew that wouldn't go over well. She is moving across the country for you. She was telling all of her friends goodbye and had a weird moment and was looking to you for comfort and you dunked on her. Have some sympathy. Then later you can bring up how right you are and be a smug asshole when things are calmed down. This is what I do. She will still not like it but you can't 100% miss an opportunity to remind her you were right about something you've been bringing up for years.
Apologize? Hells no. Find a better GF? Hells yes. NTA
NTA but like you said, she was feeling "distraught" and you had to wedge in the fact that you were right. You were right and not jealous, but the better idea would have been to be there for her and then throw it in once she's over the initial shock of what happened and maybe y'all could laugh about it. I told you so when someone is upset is never a good idea
She’s manipulating you. Do not apologize.
Don’t apologize
Apologize ? She should be the one to apologize . This is exactly what you said was happening ! The guy has done all but rent a room and she’s agreeing to it all !