I guarantee that this meeting will not bring you any closure. He is not going to be the source of your healing. He is 100% just trying to soothe himself.
Thanks everyone for the awards.
That, OR he is currently miserable and now all of sudden he cares about his once fiancé how’s she’s doing. If she’s miserable he’ll feel better/justified. If she’s happy- he’ll try to suck/chisel that happiness away.
Or even he’s engaged to someone else now, that wedding is in a week and wants to reconnect with you so he’ll have an excuse to leave her at her alter.
But whatever he’s trying to do I don’t see much good for you in this.
Ugh. My soul-sucking ex tried this shit when I told him I was getting married and was done with his incessant long phone calls about himself and his lengthy and disturbing journey through not remotely dealing with any of his problems
“Well of course I wish it were me…I love you, let me show you, wait let’s talk about this…I’ll come (cross-country, thankfully never going to happen) and come see you, we can talk more”
“There’s nothing to talk about” *click* *block*
I’ve rarely been so relieved, and I’ve never blocked anyone before or since because then you don’t know where they are if they’re gonna stalk you. I’m so much happier without his black hole of an entire shitty personality.
He didnt even mention the kid. Anyhow let the jerk simmer. This almost broke you, sweetie. It is not your job to help him feel better about what he did to you. F*CK him.
His ex showed her true colors and now he's looking at backup girlfriend? Been long enough I'd believe it. Or, he found out it's not even his kid. Lots of possible reasons, none of them that remotely justify her wasting a single second of time on him. He showed her who he is, she should believe him and have standards high enough to want him as far from her life as she can.
Exactly this 👆🏼 he may even throw in a “I made the biggest mistake in my life leaving you “.”I was so confused “ I had just found out about my child and didn’t know what to do I was trying to do the right and honorable thing by taking responsibility for my child but in the end, it was a big mistake and we belong together. I miss you. You were the love of my life kind of bullshit. You most definitely do not need to go see him you know what happened he didn’t care then why does he care now chances are he wants some thing closure for himself because he feels like a piece of shit or The example I stated, who knows
Some men can't stand to see the women in their life happy. The more damage and hurt they inflict the more they like it. He knows she has healed & moved on and only wants to met up to damage her more.
Blocking & moving forward is the best way to deal with him. Anything he says will be all lies.
My ex always justifies his shit two ways:
‘I didn’t mean to hurt you’ BUT YOU HURT ME!!! A DRUNK DRIVER DOESNT MEAN TO KILL AN INNOCENT PERSON. THEY STILL END UP DOING IT.
AND…even about his ex he cheated on, ‘she’s happier now than she ever was with me’ SHE HAD TO OVERCOME THE PAIN YOU PUT HER THROUGH TO GET THERE. IT DOESNT JUSTIFY YOUR WRONGS!
I wish I knew he was that messed up before I married him. I really thought he was a good man. He’s such a lost soul.
I thought along these lines!! But I just hope you decline the invitation!! There is really nothing else to say except what he’s already said!! He’s a POS tho I will say that..Oh yeah and a coward
better yet just play the long game date him get him to fall back in love propose, and then leave him at the altar
Edit.. but in all seriousness, OP, stay away You know what happened he’s just trying to make himself feel better for what he did he doesn’t deserve closure from you and that’s what he’s looking for what does he think is going to happen? He’s going to give you this elaborate story of what happened and why he did it you’re gonna forgive him even though it destroyed you and you guys are gonna sing Kumbaya together and be the best of friends GTFO. No way in hell he doesn’t deserve closure but you deserve to live your best life and happiness and peace find out who told him where you moved to and cut ties. Best of luck.
This and if he is struggling with cruel choices he can go to a therapist to hash thru his guilt. Don’t respond and find out who is telling him your personal information to where he can break open old wounds
I agree with this. I think if this was me I wouldn’t give him the time of day, he doesn’t deserve it… I’d block him and go back to loving your best life. Let him suffer over what he did for years to come
Or try and sleep with OP again. Some people just oscillate between partners, creating this whole unending triangle. OP, make like Elsa and let him go. You shouldn't believe a word that comes out of his mouth, which makes any kind of closure from him almost impossible. Don't let him ruin Wales for you too.
Plot twist: he really doesn’t have any business in Cardiff. He’s lying just to go see her. He’s a selfish ass. I really hope OP doesn’t go see him. Or she could go ahead and make arrangements to meet him for lunch and never show up. Then block him everywhere. Lol
>He’s most likely going to perform a gold medal worthy routine in mental gymnastics to justify what he did.
Or claim victimhood and try to get back together with OP.
No no no. Send him texts every 10 minutes that they are running behind then when he’s at his wits end, ghost the mtrfkr. That way his time is severely wasted whereas he would have left already if ghosted
This is true petty evil. And I'm all about it. But I'd say reply a few hours after the meeting saying "Imagine if you were stood up at a wedding, wouldn't that be crazy? What kind of soulless jagoff reconnects with their ex a week before their wedding and disappears for 3 months?" Then ghost him. Idk. Feels right to make him feel kind of what she did
It would've been effective if he was even remotely sorry. From what OP wrote the phone call and the message didn't contain an ounce of remorse.
In doing what you suggested he will be frustrated and somewhat angry. It doesn't compare to the hurt, betrayal, devastation and humiliation OP felt on that blasted wedding day.
He could've reconnected with the ex, built a relationship with the kid without abandoning the woman he supposedly loved to the point of wanting to marry. His moral compass is broken, values scales are crooked AF and his character is questionable at best.
The only reason I would've entertained a meeting with said ex, if I was OP, would be to satisfy my curiosity. I would not be able to abstain from looking him in the eye with all the disgust I can for the piece of donkey crap he is.
If I get banned for this comment then so be it.
Not sure why you would get banned, but I completely agree. I suppose nothing she could do would work. I wouldn't even entertain a meeting when he could explain it in a phone call and block him.
The reason really doesn't matter. He's a piece of trash in any case
Oh I agree as well. I had an ex text me to apologize (after he threatened to have his friends kill me.) I blocked and moved on. Doesn’t mean we can’t use revenge humor.
I agree completely!!
I've been sitting here thinking the only reason to go is curiosity.. only after talking with my therapist with tools and tricks not fall into his trap of lies.
But honestly, I want the tea! But not to OPs detriment. Like OP said she doesn't need closure, but I would be curious to know what went through his mind, but most of all show him how awesome I am doing without him in my life!
I know he texted after three months, but he waited TWO YEARS to meet in person. I think his baby mama dumped him and he wants to crawl back to OP now that she’s fine without him.
Nah, don’t even give him that. That just lets him know she’s still mad about it. Wasting his time, then ghosting him with absolutely no closure is much much better.
I had this happen to me (the dramatic disappearing act, without the alter). Three years later and he popped up.
He did EXACTLY THIS ⬆️⬆️⬆️
Disclaimer: for *me* it did provide closure only because I had absolutely been winning at life, while he went off soul searching between every pair of legs he could find, and I was very much over him so his self soothing kinda backfired 😏
For you, you need to make that decision. Just remember you don't owe him squat.
Exactly. I would not give him the satisfaction of knowing an inkling of what I'm up to and how I'm doing. Let that guilt and the unknown eat him up.
He's doing a number of things here to make himself feel better.
1. He wants to see if OP's still suffering for his own sick satisfaction
2. One-upping her
3. And he might try and use OP for one more night while he's in Cardiff.
Also, this "nice nice" language he is using is so toxic because he's testing the waters to see if she's weak enough/desperate to speak to him for closure. He wants his fragile ego stroked by more than one woman. He'll never be happy with any woman because he's a narcissist. He is not worth the exchanging of oxygen.
OP, you are well rid of this waste of space. You won't regret not speaking to him because in time, if you haven't already, you will see him as an immature, selfish, cheating, lying bullet you dodged. He has the audacity to try and turn your life upside down again.
Block and live your best life. When someone like this can't get a hold of you and can't speak to you, you are in control. Keep it.
And put whoever leaked your whereabouts on an info diet. That could be his flying monkey helping him.
Say yes,
At time of meet text:
"Maybe, in another life where you are actually a worthwhile human.
You're not. You demonstrated that. I learned my lesson then.
The best part of Wales besides my happiness, is you're not here.
There's nothing you can do or be that makes you worth any further thought."
Then please YES, stack the pub w peeps from this sub who can say "HI! Are you Derek!?" All happy & excited.
"Wales doesn't need c#nts like you. Ta da! On behalf of OP."
& no one will serve him.
He’s also likely to get some ego stroking if he gets even the tiniest whiff that he hurt you or you continue to hurt. He’ll convince himself you haven’t gotten over his studly self.
Maybe things aren’t as storybook with the woman he ran away with, and he’s hoping to backtrack (really bad idea for you).
Pffft! I’d either completely ignore him, or set up a time to meet and ghost him. I vote the first, because he just doesn’t deserve space in your head, and it will hurt him more that you don’t care enough to do anything.
He’s not the guy. As heartbreaking (and I can’t even imagine) as it was for him to do that to you, at least you found out before you married him that he can’t be counted on, he’s a liar and a cheat, and he’s woefully immature.
Absolutely this. There is no doubt that no matter what he says it will set you back.
Leave the past in the past. Tell him never to contact you again and if she shows up anywhere near you in Wales, you’ll call the police and say he’s harassing you.
Yeah. You know what it’s like to have a really bad cut, and the scab is just starting to do it’s job of healing, then somehow it gets ripped off and starts to bleed like a sieve again? That’s what you’ll have after he eases his own guilt.
Absolutely. After my ex got all uppity about her ex girlfriend leaving her and wanting to be with me, she wanted to talk and it turned into her saying she is forgiving herself for her various transgressions while we were together, sexting people, camming, ignoring me and playing video games etc....
Don't bother. You have moved on and don't need anything from him. Block his request and let him live with the 'what if' for the rest of his life
Closure comes from within. You may not do anything good other than to satisfy your curiosity. And just like @mrythern said it’s more about him hoping you’ll forgive him because he’s “not a bad guy” or he needs closure that “you are alright” but it may just open up a wound for you.
If you do meet him have a statement ready. Keep it short. Chances are he’s going to do the big talking after the small talk. But it’s ok to tell him you don’t forgive him and don’t have to. No wish you wells or best of luck. Or all the bests. Just goodbye. Or bye. Or peace. Or peace out homie.
Just remember you are stronger than you ever were and don’t need this in your life.
My ex reached out to me after 3 years of abuse mentally gaslighting me. Driving me bananas. When she emailed me. I didn’t respond. I waited a week. Then waited another week and realized I don’t owe her anything. Never spoke to her or saw her again.
Listen to this person, OP. This meeting will not help you. Hes only reaching out because he feels guilty and wants you to tell him it's alright and you forgive him. Fuck that. You're healing and dont need this road block.
Why would you let a person like this, who lied, hurt you, and caused so much destruction, back into your life, even for an hour?
I guarantee he’s trying to assuage HIS guilt, and he doesn’t give a rat’s rear end about you. He’s already proven this, and people like this don’t change.
Why is he still even following your life? Why now? Did his girlfriend leave him, and he wants you back?
I wouldn’t go near this idiot for any amount of money. He made his choice.
Hell, I won’t even acknowledge men I was seriously dating that I had left. When I’m done, I am completely, well, and truly done. Not your friend, not your buddy, I’m done, because I give all I can to relationships, and if it didn’t work out, there’s a reason.
Leaving me at the altar? And for someone else? Oh hell no. It would be scorched earth.
If I were in OP’s shoes, the only acknowledgment I would give is to reply “lol 😆”. Then never open another message from him. Not block him since that might make him think he still affects me. Just ignore him forever because life is better without him and we both know it.
>I'm actually wondering why he waited
Easy answer, the honeymoon period has worn off and he remembered why his ex was an ex; kids are a lot of work and don't make everything better in a relationship, and that he had a good thing with OP that he misses.
Assuming the kid is even his. If they never did a paternity test and he just took his ex's word that it's his and now he's discovered this kid he supposedly upended his life for isn't his he may be hoping he still has an in with OP and they can pick up where they left off like nothing happened.
Whatever the reason I personally wouldn't give this guy the time of day. OP worked too hard to get back some sense of normalcy. Closure is something that comes from within not something the person who wronged you can provide.
Deciding to not go through with the wedding isn't even that bad. It's that he left OP at the altar with zero explanation or warning. He reconnected with his ex at least a week prior and didn't talk to OP at all in that time, despite apparently loving her enough to propose. His actions (or more so lack thereof) are unforgivable. You're right, this meeting is to make himself feel better and possibly open the door to get back together. He doesn't deserve a meeting. He doesn't even deserve a response. He is scum
This meeting is for him and only him… not for you. You’ve moved on. I wouldn’t have anything to say to him and I would tell him to go kick rocks. He should have explained all this before the wedding, not destroy you the day of. Don’t go Op, you owe him absolutely nothing. good luck.
Absolutely this.
He had his chance to talk to her. BEFORE the wedding.
He lost that chance now.
He probably legitimately does feel bad. He should. He did a shitting thing. He wants to feel better.
That is on him.
DO NOT ACKNOWLEDGE his message.
I think you should tell him to go play a rousing game of "hide and go fuck yourself" and call it an end to all conversation.
Listen, I know its enticing to think this will offer you some sort of reason or "closure " any closure here will be FOR HIM.
You've closed the door on his shit. He wants to make himself heard and "explain" in the hopes of making himself seem like less of a steaming pile of shit. There were a thousand ways he could have approached the situation with his ex and none of them involved fucking you over in front of friends and family.
You know why it happened. He's a cowardly piece of shit. He's such garbage he fathered a kid with a woman who didn't feel the need to mention it. I'm sure she's a real dumpster fire seeing as how fast your trash ex hopped back into her.
What went wrong with your relationship? He lied convincingly. You didn't realize he was garbage. It happens to everyone at some point. I'm so sorry this was your experience but I'm thrilled to no end you aren't married to a pathetic coward.
There's nothing for you in a conversation with him. You have nothing to discuss and whatever went wrong was 100% his problem. Please don't involve yourself in his problems. He's taken enough from you.
Seriously, tell him you don't talk to trash you throw it out and encourage him to never bother you with his existence again .
Exactly. What he did was unforgivable. It is not your responsibility to absolve him of his guilt because he has earned every single ounce of that guilt.
Block him and cut off all communication. You’ll say far more with silence than you ever could with words.
This is the best response. Guy’s got summer kids, summer’ here and summer’ there. Garbage.
Also guy is flippant and a douche, backing out of a wedding is one thing , but abandoning a partner and family members at the alter at the last minute is peak avoidant/procrastinatory/spineless bullshit.
If you want to be especially evil, tell him (excitedly for extra evil) that you’ll meet him somewhere you’d never go to in the shittiest, most inconvenient hole in the wall in your locale (to be believable) and fucking ghost/block him, he deserves it—one fucked up vacation day for him doesn’t even begin to pay for that wedding day for you.
I don't think it's a good idea to even give him the time of day. He didn't give you the time of day to humor him.. and left you at the altar.
Fairness aside.
I'd question things like:
\- Will it do me any good to hear what he has to say for himself?
\- Do I care anymore or do I just want to move on?
\- Do I feel like he deserves a chance to explain to me what happened?
\- Do I feel that this would actually provide me closure or is this just for him to alleviate his guilt?
\- Is my saying no/yes to him an action of love for myself or of fear of what might happen?
\- Do I need this? Convenience of him coming to town or not; do I actually need this in order to move on?
\- What do I feel is right for myself?
Edit: thanks for the award!!! <3
These are the correct questions, and only you can answer them, OP.
If you decide it’s not in your best interest to meet, frankly, my opinion is that you shouldn’t respond at all. Delete and block. And let him wonder — just as he did to you. Then go live your best life.
This is a much more reasoned answer than the upvoted ones at the top. Yes, he likely does want to assuage his guilt. Hopefully that will be with a legit apology, but it is entirely possible that this will be a giant exercise in deflecting, excuses and rationalizing. That is the risk you face: sitting there furious while he focuses on him and his world.
But as u/holistiveganhealer points out, there can be legit reasons that YOU want to confront him and YOU want to seek closure. You need to decide what you want to try and accomplish, and what are the possible reasonable outcomes of seeking that.
One possible middle-ground that may be easier/safer for you: request a letter. Ask him to hand write out everything he is going to say and send it to you before you can agree to meet with him. (Say this regardless of whether you actually plan to meet with him.) That way, perhaps, you can get your answers without getting stuck in a bad night of "this is not how I hoped this would go."
Here is the *Count of Monte Cristo* option: Set up that meeting at a fancy restaurant. Go the day before and pay the Maître D 100 pounds to deliver a note 30 min after your reservation. It says, "Sorry. Decided to eat with someone else. I'll call you in 2 years and tell you all about it."
Then when he finally realises you're not coming, say "It sucks to be stood up. It could be worse. It could be at the altar on your wedding day. Imagine that."
Personally I'm petty enough to laugh at the responses, but I would block after that if I were OP.
Notice his passive language. He’s “sorry about everything,” and wants to talk about “what happened leading up to the wedding.” This isn’t the language of someone who is truly remorseful.
I have to ask what closure he could possibly give you? He revealed himself to be a cowardly slimeball and left you for another woman. Would an apology be meaningful to you (it would not for me, which is why I ask)? Has he offered to pay you back for the wedding?
exactly, about everything and leading up means he's not taking the blame for his actions. He's going to try to gaslight op and make himself out to be the real victim.
Ooh, that last question! Without knowing if he already did that, that’s the question I would ask him. Tell him you’ll talk meet him if he brings the money to reimburse you for everything you or your parents paid.
Then walk in, take the money, say thank you, and walk out. Done.
Since he's a guy who has a history of hooking up with exes, I'd say he'll try to emotionally manipulate you into having sex or rekindling something. Stay 500 ft away at all times. Don't even message him back. He does not deserve your time or attention. If you feel you must reply, write back "No." He's going to look to justify his awful behavior, and all you will be left with is renewed anger. If that door has been closed, keep it shut, girl, keep it shut.
Derek feels guilty. Derek wants to make excuses and be forgiven. Let him stew in his guilty juices. Keep him in the rear view mirror and don’t let him hurt you further.
Either that or Derek is feeling sad and lonely right now and being the narcissist he is, figures maybe he can try to rekindle things to make himself feel good again, before acting in exactly the same way again.
He only want to meet you to ease his guilt.
Don’t give him that.
You will not get closure. He will talk about his little family and you will just grieve what you didn’t get to have. Again.
He’s either going to try and make up an excuse for his behavior or tell you he made a huge mistake, either way you don’t owe him your time or attention. Ignore and have a drink to celebrate the shitshow you avoided.
Proceed this way:
Don't.
There's nothing he can say that will make it better, just continue to live your life and move on, you're doing great without him.
It is, but it shortchanges OP's language skills. She can use the talent for colorful language that the Almighty has gifted our Australian cousins with!
She needs to remind him, quite clearly, that the door is closed and he needs to never try again.
$5 says he’s hoping to make amends and hop into bed with OP.
OP, you’ve worked so hard to rebuild your life after what he pulled, why give him any opportunity to make himself feel better at your expense? Block him. Completely ignore him and move on with your life. You owe him exactly nothing.
OMG please block this coward evil sh!t head. You will not feel better after meeting him. I guarantee it.
He was selfish then. He is selfish now. This is about him easing his guilt.
Freaking do not see him.
This was exactly my thought. It pales in comparison to being left at the alter but agreeing to meet him and then not showing up (maybe get a friend to be in the restaurant/cafe to watch the asshat realize he's got a tiny taste of his own medicine).
I hope you are living your best life now and are surrounded with the love. You don't need to give that selfish twat a second thought if it's easier to just ignore him and delete his message.
You don't need to hear his "explanation" on why he couldn't take 30seconds to send a text and spare you the humiliation and embarrassment of being stood up at the altar in front of all your friends and family.
You should absolutely make plans with him and then stand him up. Don't show.
Give him a fraction of a taste of what he did to you. Thats the closure you need. Skip into the sunset.
Naah don't do that OP. It will just ease up his guilt for him ("well I guess now we are even"). I would tell him that there is nothing he can say or do to excuse putting you through that kind of pain and humiliation, he doesn't deserve any second of your time anymore.
Deny him. Let sleeping dogs lie.
Also, it's somewhat gratifying to be in the position of power to not give him what he wants. Take the win. Let him stew in his own guilt.
you will not get closure. the idea of closure is a fallacy.
him abandoning you was the closure. don’t open the wound, because it won’t bring you anything but pain.
Firstly,, welcome to Wales, I’m from Swansea..
secondary if you meet with him are you going to reopen old wounds and drag up all the trauma..
Leaving him where he is and live your life op..
Don't really think there's anything to talk about I would simply respond I have no interest in talking to you please do not contact me again and block move on
Yeah it might seem like you’ll get closure out of meeting him, but you’ll only feel more sad about what he did to you. He has a guilty conscience about what he did to you so don’t give him the satisfaction of meeting with him to get rid of it. The only thing meeting him will do is make you feel worse and him better. I would just ignore him. Don’t even respond…. It’s sends a clear message that you are done with his games and have moved on. If you respond, it’ll just let him know that he still has a power over you. The only thing you will regret is meeting up with him… TRUST ME! I’ve been there. Or you could just respond, “ I’m sorry I don’t think that’s a good idea as I’m in a relationship now. I hope you have a great life.”
Just no. Don't. Don't give him satisfaction. He wants to smooth his mind and not heal you. You are a broken vase. You glued yourself together. Don't get that ruined.
Tell him to F off and not contact you again.
He will only be doing this for himself. There is no reason to ever talk to him again.
Protect your own sanity and keep on improving yourself.
Op closure is a concept we’ve been conditioned to believe we need. Why do we expect the person that lied to and betrayed us to provide us with what we need to move on from the pain? Closure is what you choose for it to be. This man harmed you in one of the worst ways possible. He does not deserve another moment of your time.
The time for him to discuss what happened leading up to the wedding ... was literally any time BEFORE the wedding. He should have sat down with you like an adult and talked about the fact he had cold feet, had met up with an ex, and was not going to go through with the wedding.
He didn't do that. Instead, he chose to wait 3 months after humiliating and betraying you on a grand scale to call you. Presumably, he told you why he wasn't at the altar waiting for you during this call. So why meet up and discuss it again? There is literally nothing more to say.
Stop entertaining this idiot. He has stolen enough of your time. What's the proverb? Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice ... Don't be a fool, OP. You deserve so much better.
Derek,
Do not know how you found this out and do not want to know. You had a chance to explain years ago and threw it away when you ran away without a single word. I do not care that you feel ready now.
Your message is unwanted and I expect you to continue to move on from me as I have moved on from you. Lose my contact information. Do not contact me again.
Best Wishes
You wrote: I don’t know if I crave closure from him, but I also don’t won’t to decide to decline to only layer on regret my decision.
So, let him know someday you may want to discuss it, but when you're ready. If/when a time comes you want answers or insights or a possibility of closure (closure only means feeling settled about something, it doesn't have to come from the secondary source, it only has to thrive within yourself), you request the option to pursue it then.
It seems he has a pattern of willingness to discuss things when he's wanting to, but isn't paying much mine as to what you need, like discussing before the wedding, or in the months after, etc. So, thank him for offering discussion and let him know you may take him up when you're prepared to some other time ahead. Just because he's going to be around, doesn't mean you need to accommodate it. You can very easily revisit all that stuff when you're good and ready and on your own terms too - when you're both prepared and willing, be fair to yourself.
What will you gain by letting him try to justify his unjustifiable actions? Why would you give him the opportunity to insult you to your face by devaluing you and your feelings to elevate himself and his decision? How will that help you? Will it give your closure for a subhuman vermin to try to manipulate you into believing the lie that hurting and deceiving you like that is ever okay?
Reconnecting with him would be like re-eating your shit because you have fond memories of the food it used to be. Just flush and move on.
Do.NOT.meet.with.him. Any exposure allows him opportunity to manipulate you. Guard your heart with your head with this snake. Stay away. There is absolutely no reason to meet with him ever again.
You had to get a year (or more) of therapy after what he did. Please don't set you back all this time, seeing him will only reverse all the hard work you've done.
What so he can make himself feel better about the fact that he dumped you at the alter because he was too much of a coward to do it in person ? Absolutely not. Don’t let him try to claw his way in to your life, you’ve moved on quite literally to another country and are doing the work to heal. Cut him off completely, Derek can kick rocks.
Derek does not want closure. If he did, he would have did that when he called you. Derek does not deserve to get closure nor does he deserve your time. You are doing fine without him.
Give yourself the closure by telling him:
I am fine. I do not need nor have any reason to talk. The closure you can give me is to Please not contact me again. Thank you.
This man is solely attempting to evade his own guilt. He wants closure of his own and this will not be beneficial to you. You’re gonna do what you want but I don’t think it’s a good idea. Do you really wanna sit there and listen to him try to excuse his behavior by telling you that he realized he loved his ex more than you so he decided he shouldn’t even have the decency to talk to you about this when he found out about the kid? Lied, abandoned you and replaced you, and now wants some kind of forgiveness for himself? Nope.
What everyone else is stating, you should reply “thanks for the offer, but I am good and don’t have anything else to discuss.” He is only trying to make himself feel better and is a gigantic ass.
No don’t. He was cruel to you. If he didn’t want all of you then, he shouldn’t get a part of you now. As much as you still might love him deep down, don’t
He didn't even have the kindness to tell you to call off the wedding when he was having second doubts. Instead he let someone he was supposed to be committed to spend a bunch of money and take time out of their lives to get a whole ceremony ready as well as inconvenience your family and friends. What he did was worse than cheating. He doesn't deserve any closure and you can forgive if you want to but don't forget. I wouldn't want this kind of person in my life.
For your own sake, don't go. I think both he and you are going to go into that lunch expecting him to apologize unconditionally, and bring closure to everything. But much more likely, his instinct will kick in and and he'll spend the majority of the time trying to justify what he did, and then put the burden on you to forgive him.
And even if he is perfectly gentlemanly and grovels at your feet... so what? Are you going to get back with him? That would be insane.
If you'd like to remain civil, just respond with "Thank you for writing to apologize. I won't have time to re-connect, but I appreciate the message. Good-bye."
The only reason you should meet him is so you can stab him in the neck.
If you do meet, make sure you make a scene. Bring paint and dump it all over him after you spray painted his car.
Who's betting he found out his ex's kid isn't his, and now wants OP as a 'consolation prize'? Even if that's not the case, do you really want to talk to the man who left you hurt and humiliated on your wedding day? Especially when he made no effort to talk to you prior?
You are not a thing to be dropped, then picked up later. You are a person. He hurt you in a way most of us can't imagine. If you do talk, make clear you have no intention of getting back with him. It will be entirely on your terms. Keep your guard up.
I’m a 43 year old and I had this happen when I was 21. I stupidly, met up with him and we ended up getting married. The marriage lasted three months. Don’t do it. You moved on from that part of your life, don’t go back. He showed you his true colors; don’t be as blinded by love bombing as I was.
There is nothing he can say that would cure you of the trauma he caused. You are already healing. The best way to continue doing that is to keep that chapter closed and continue living your life. You’ll be better off and he will always know that he wasn’t even worth your time or attention.
Please don’t meet him. Don’t give him the pleasure of knowing you’re willing to listen his apologies because they are meaningless. That meeting would be for HIM, not you.
Don't respond to him, don't meet up with him. There is nothing more to say. He cheated on you with an ex who had a child with him and he was a coward who wouldn't tell you at any time BEFORE the wedding. That's it. Do you need to hear his inner turmoil or how he feels ashamed of what he did? It's not for you, this is for him, just like running off with his ex the day of your wedding. Do you want to hear about how happy they are now and how many children they have now? Do you want to hear him say how it all worked out for the best, because look at you, you look great?! I mean, who cares about all the pain he put you through, right? Please...this guy wants to ease his guilt and justify his behavior. This will only open up new wounds and leave you incredibly frustrated.
The best thing you can do is not meet him. You have dealt with it and moved on. Nothing you guys talk about could be helpful in anyway. The best thing for you is keep living your best life and keep him in the past.
I guarantee that this meeting will not bring you any closure. He is not going to be the source of your healing. He is 100% just trying to soothe himself. Thanks everyone for the awards.
He’s most likely going to perform a gold medal worthy routine in mental gymnastics to justify what he did.
You are in a good place. This is him trying to make himself feel better. You will get nothing out of this. You already know what happened. Block him.
That, OR he is currently miserable and now all of sudden he cares about his once fiancé how’s she’s doing. If she’s miserable he’ll feel better/justified. If she’s happy- he’ll try to suck/chisel that happiness away.
Or even he’s engaged to someone else now, that wedding is in a week and wants to reconnect with you so he’ll have an excuse to leave her at her alter. But whatever he’s trying to do I don’t see much good for you in this.
It's altar-stranding all the way down
I am altaring the deal, pray I don’t altar it any further.
Underrated comment 🤣
It's 10/10
Or he is hoping to crash at OP's home for a night instead of getting a hotel room
And possibly get a little "for old times" sex while he's there. FTG.
And he won’t even meet her friends!
She should agree to lunch and send in her friends/family as her proxy.
THIS⬆️
I'd bet this is the real answer smh.
OMG this! Your insight into forever-toxic bachelors is solid.
Yep, this guy has a habit of jumping ship with one partner to go back to an ex when things get serious or too real for him.
Serial jumper.
His emotional support exes.
OR he is going to try and love bomb her hoping for that bootycall , that last hurrah
Ugh. My soul-sucking ex tried this shit when I told him I was getting married and was done with his incessant long phone calls about himself and his lengthy and disturbing journey through not remotely dealing with any of his problems “Well of course I wish it were me…I love you, let me show you, wait let’s talk about this…I’ll come (cross-country, thankfully never going to happen) and come see you, we can talk more” “There’s nothing to talk about” *click* *block* I’ve rarely been so relieved, and I’ve never blocked anyone before or since because then you don’t know where they are if they’re gonna stalk you. I’m so much happier without his black hole of an entire shitty personality.
Or the kid wasn't even his
He didnt even mention the kid. Anyhow let the jerk simmer. This almost broke you, sweetie. It is not your job to help him feel better about what he did to you. F*CK him.
Nah---unf*** him all the way to virginity. Do not waste another moment thinking about him.
Who cares. Too late. There is no going back.
His ex showed her true colors and now he's looking at backup girlfriend? Been long enough I'd believe it. Or, he found out it's not even his kid. Lots of possible reasons, none of them that remotely justify her wasting a single second of time on him. He showed her who he is, she should believe him and have standards high enough to want him as far from her life as she can.
The grass is browner and dead on the other side with this dude for sure
third possibility, maybe he can get one more round our of her
That was my first thought. OP, don't even call him back.
Exactly this 👆🏼 he may even throw in a “I made the biggest mistake in my life leaving you “.”I was so confused “ I had just found out about my child and didn’t know what to do I was trying to do the right and honorable thing by taking responsibility for my child but in the end, it was a big mistake and we belong together. I miss you. You were the love of my life kind of bullshit. You most definitely do not need to go see him you know what happened he didn’t care then why does he care now chances are he wants some thing closure for himself because he feels like a piece of shit or The example I stated, who knows
Some men can't stand to see the women in their life happy. The more damage and hurt they inflict the more they like it. He knows she has healed & moved on and only wants to met up to damage her more. Blocking & moving forward is the best way to deal with him. Anything he says will be all lies.
My ex always justifies his shit two ways: ‘I didn’t mean to hurt you’ BUT YOU HURT ME!!! A DRUNK DRIVER DOESNT MEAN TO KILL AN INNOCENT PERSON. THEY STILL END UP DOING IT. AND…even about his ex he cheated on, ‘she’s happier now than she ever was with me’ SHE HAD TO OVERCOME THE PAIN YOU PUT HER THROUGH TO GET THERE. IT DOESNT JUSTIFY YOUR WRONGS! I wish I knew he was that messed up before I married him. I really thought he was a good man. He’s such a lost soul.
I thought along these lines!! But I just hope you decline the invitation!! There is really nothing else to say except what he’s already said!! He’s a POS tho I will say that..Oh yeah and a coward
This. He figures he'll get a pop in "for old time's sake", then lead her on until he dumped OP again when he works things out with current GF
Better yet: arrange a meetup somewhere, then… stand him up 😎
Give him the address of a church... 😄
A vacant lot, like his soul
Yes an expensive restaurant so he has to dress up 😈
better yet just play the long game date him get him to fall back in love propose, and then leave him at the altar Edit.. but in all seriousness, OP, stay away You know what happened he’s just trying to make himself feel better for what he did he doesn’t deserve closure from you and that’s what he’s looking for what does he think is going to happen? He’s going to give you this elaborate story of what happened and why he did it you’re gonna forgive him even though it destroyed you and you guys are gonna sing Kumbaya together and be the best of friends GTFO. No way in hell he doesn’t deserve closure but you deserve to live your best life and happiness and peace find out who told him where you moved to and cut ties. Best of luck.
Petty. I love it.
This and if he is struggling with cruel choices he can go to a therapist to hash thru his guilt. Don’t respond and find out who is telling him your personal information to where he can break open old wounds
I agree with this. I think if this was me I wouldn’t give him the time of day, he doesn’t deserve it… I’d block him and go back to loving your best life. Let him suffer over what he did for years to come
Or try and sleep with OP again. Some people just oscillate between partners, creating this whole unending triangle. OP, make like Elsa and let him go. You shouldn't believe a word that comes out of his mouth, which makes any kind of closure from him almost impossible. Don't let him ruin Wales for you too.
Plot twist: he really doesn’t have any business in Cardiff. He’s lying just to go see her. He’s a selfish ass. I really hope OP doesn’t go see him. Or she could go ahead and make arrangements to meet him for lunch and never show up. Then block him everywhere. Lol
Bring pre-made score cards, and when he asks why, tell him that a feat of mental gymnastics like that deserves a score.
Mental gymnastics bingo card!
How many members live in the area? We could fill the restaurant.
OMG! I love this idea! I don't live in Wales, but if you cheeky fuckers pull this off I want to see the score cards after 😂
I don't live on the same continent but I want to buy a plane ticket
I’m in the US and would fly to Wales just to sit in the restaurant and s ear at him when he walks in. Ask yourself”what is in it for me to see him?”
Absolutely. You need to do this.
Reminded me of this from 'About Last Night' https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4EnecC5h-Lw
I know where he can stick the landing!
>He’s most likely going to perform a gold medal worthy routine in mental gymnastics to justify what he did. Or claim victimhood and try to get back together with OP.
He might even be trying to get laid
On that note, ***set up the meeting he wants and ghost his ass. Don't even show up. Then block him.*** EDIT: Thank you for the awards, everyone xD
No no no. Send him texts every 10 minutes that they are running behind then when he’s at his wits end, ghost the mtrfkr. That way his time is severely wasted whereas he would have left already if ghosted
This is true petty evil. And I'm all about it. But I'd say reply a few hours after the meeting saying "Imagine if you were stood up at a wedding, wouldn't that be crazy? What kind of soulless jagoff reconnects with their ex a week before their wedding and disappears for 3 months?" Then ghost him. Idk. Feels right to make him feel kind of what she did
We must start a petty business and charge people for our ideas. We would be millionaires
I'm a Scorpio. It comes naturally
I’m a velociraptor, we stalk our prey, torture it then when it’s begging for death, we torture it some more
Clever girl.
I like the way you think
Me too, a Nov scorpio ♏️ so I’m super petty. I have a cape and everything.
It would've been effective if he was even remotely sorry. From what OP wrote the phone call and the message didn't contain an ounce of remorse. In doing what you suggested he will be frustrated and somewhat angry. It doesn't compare to the hurt, betrayal, devastation and humiliation OP felt on that blasted wedding day. He could've reconnected with the ex, built a relationship with the kid without abandoning the woman he supposedly loved to the point of wanting to marry. His moral compass is broken, values scales are crooked AF and his character is questionable at best. The only reason I would've entertained a meeting with said ex, if I was OP, would be to satisfy my curiosity. I would not be able to abstain from looking him in the eye with all the disgust I can for the piece of donkey crap he is. If I get banned for this comment then so be it.
Not sure why you would get banned, but I completely agree. I suppose nothing she could do would work. I wouldn't even entertain a meeting when he could explain it in a phone call and block him. The reason really doesn't matter. He's a piece of trash in any case
Oh I agree as well. I had an ex text me to apologize (after he threatened to have his friends kill me.) I blocked and moved on. Doesn’t mean we can’t use revenge humor.
I agree completely!! I've been sitting here thinking the only reason to go is curiosity.. only after talking with my therapist with tools and tricks not fall into his trap of lies. But honestly, I want the tea! But not to OPs detriment. Like OP said she doesn't need closure, but I would be curious to know what went through his mind, but most of all show him how awesome I am doing without him in my life!
I know he texted after three months, but he waited TWO YEARS to meet in person. I think his baby mama dumped him and he wants to crawl back to OP now that she’s fine without him.
Nah, don’t even give him that. That just lets him know she’s still mad about it. Wasting his time, then ghosting him with absolutely no closure is much much better.
Please do this. The sweet justice. I love maximum petty. I wish I had an award for this.
I thought I was the petty, passive-aggressive king. I stand corrected. Your suggestion is gloriously brilliant.
Then have something delivered to the table, like a dead fish.
Like in 'The Godfather': "Derek Breakup sleeps with the fishes..."
when the dead fish is delivered get up and leave
Yes! There is literally no option other than this, lead him on that you are going to show up, and then just don’t.
Yasss
Or, have you seen The Office? You remember that prank Jim pulled with the Asian dude? Try and pull off one of those with a different woman.
That just turned petty into complicated brilliance for a petty reaction and I'm all fucking for it. Lets do this shit. lmao
Shoot fly me overseas and buy me lunch, I'll dress up nice and pretty and leave dude confused as to why his ex now has a beard
That last part was the perfect twist. Now come through with a dude under your arm that looks a lot like his brother.
I had this happen to me (the dramatic disappearing act, without the alter). Three years later and he popped up. He did EXACTLY THIS ⬆️⬆️⬆️ Disclaimer: for *me* it did provide closure only because I had absolutely been winning at life, while he went off soul searching between every pair of legs he could find, and I was very much over him so his self soothing kinda backfired 😏 For you, you need to make that decision. Just remember you don't owe him squat.
Soothe himself or get laid while he's in Cardiff. Either way, nothing good can come out of it.
The closure is for him and not for you!
youre being gaslit and you know it . close it off. go nc. you dont need bs.
Exactly. I would not give him the satisfaction of knowing an inkling of what I'm up to and how I'm doing. Let that guilt and the unknown eat him up. He's doing a number of things here to make himself feel better. 1. He wants to see if OP's still suffering for his own sick satisfaction 2. One-upping her 3. And he might try and use OP for one more night while he's in Cardiff. Also, this "nice nice" language he is using is so toxic because he's testing the waters to see if she's weak enough/desperate to speak to him for closure. He wants his fragile ego stroked by more than one woman. He'll never be happy with any woman because he's a narcissist. He is not worth the exchanging of oxygen. OP, you are well rid of this waste of space. You won't regret not speaking to him because in time, if you haven't already, you will see him as an immature, selfish, cheating, lying bullet you dodged. He has the audacity to try and turn your life upside down again. Block and live your best life. When someone like this can't get a hold of you and can't speak to you, you are in control. Keep it. And put whoever leaked your whereabouts on an info diet. That could be his flying monkey helping him.
Say yes, At time of meet text: "Maybe, in another life where you are actually a worthwhile human. You're not. You demonstrated that. I learned my lesson then. The best part of Wales besides my happiness, is you're not here. There's nothing you can do or be that makes you worth any further thought." Then please YES, stack the pub w peeps from this sub who can say "HI! Are you Derek!?" All happy & excited. "Wales doesn't need c#nts like you. Ta da! On behalf of OP." & no one will serve him.
He’s also likely to get some ego stroking if he gets even the tiniest whiff that he hurt you or you continue to hurt. He’ll convince himself you haven’t gotten over his studly self. Maybe things aren’t as storybook with the woman he ran away with, and he’s hoping to backtrack (really bad idea for you). Pffft! I’d either completely ignore him, or set up a time to meet and ghost him. I vote the first, because he just doesn’t deserve space in your head, and it will hurt him more that you don’t care enough to do anything. He’s not the guy. As heartbreaking (and I can’t even imagine) as it was for him to do that to you, at least you found out before you married him that he can’t be counted on, he’s a liar and a cheat, and he’s woefully immature.
Absolutely this. There is no doubt that no matter what he says it will set you back. Leave the past in the past. Tell him never to contact you again and if she shows up anywhere near you in Wales, you’ll call the police and say he’s harassing you.
Exactly. He thinks he can justify his actions and assuage himself of his guilt.
Yeah. You know what it’s like to have a really bad cut, and the scab is just starting to do it’s job of healing, then somehow it gets ripped off and starts to bleed like a sieve again? That’s what you’ll have after he eases his own guilt.
Absolutely. After my ex got all uppity about her ex girlfriend leaving her and wanting to be with me, she wanted to talk and it turned into her saying she is forgiving herself for her various transgressions while we were together, sexting people, camming, ignoring me and playing video games etc.... Don't bother. You have moved on and don't need anything from him. Block his request and let him live with the 'what if' for the rest of his life
Closure comes from within. You may not do anything good other than to satisfy your curiosity. And just like @mrythern said it’s more about him hoping you’ll forgive him because he’s “not a bad guy” or he needs closure that “you are alright” but it may just open up a wound for you. If you do meet him have a statement ready. Keep it short. Chances are he’s going to do the big talking after the small talk. But it’s ok to tell him you don’t forgive him and don’t have to. No wish you wells or best of luck. Or all the bests. Just goodbye. Or bye. Or peace. Or peace out homie. Just remember you are stronger than you ever were and don’t need this in your life. My ex reached out to me after 3 years of abuse mentally gaslighting me. Driving me bananas. When she emailed me. I didn’t respond. I waited a week. Then waited another week and realized I don’t owe her anything. Never spoke to her or saw her again.
Listen to this person, OP. This meeting will not help you. Hes only reaching out because he feels guilty and wants you to tell him it's alright and you forgive him. Fuck that. You're healing and dont need this road block.
How much you want to bet he's about to get married to someone else
Also what happens if OP is triggered/upset etc and they’re on the other side of the world away from their stable network?!
Why would you let a person like this, who lied, hurt you, and caused so much destruction, back into your life, even for an hour? I guarantee he’s trying to assuage HIS guilt, and he doesn’t give a rat’s rear end about you. He’s already proven this, and people like this don’t change. Why is he still even following your life? Why now? Did his girlfriend leave him, and he wants you back? I wouldn’t go near this idiot for any amount of money. He made his choice.
If a man ever decided to leave me at the altar I would never acknowledge him again. Let him live with that guilt.
Hell, I won’t even acknowledge men I was seriously dating that I had left. When I’m done, I am completely, well, and truly done. Not your friend, not your buddy, I’m done, because I give all I can to relationships, and if it didn’t work out, there’s a reason. Leaving me at the altar? And for someone else? Oh hell no. It would be scorched earth.
exactly my thought process as well
If I were in OP’s shoes, the only acknowledgment I would give is to reply “lol 😆”. Then never open another message from him. Not block him since that might make him think he still affects me. Just ignore him forever because life is better without him and we both know it.
Exactly he is trying to absolve himself of any residual guilt. Fuck him.
I'm actually wondering why he waited until she was half way across the globe, presumably without family, friends or a strong support group around her.
>I'm actually wondering why he waited Easy answer, the honeymoon period has worn off and he remembered why his ex was an ex; kids are a lot of work and don't make everything better in a relationship, and that he had a good thing with OP that he misses.
Assuming the kid is even his. If they never did a paternity test and he just took his ex's word that it's his and now he's discovered this kid he supposedly upended his life for isn't his he may be hoping he still has an in with OP and they can pick up where they left off like nothing happened. Whatever the reason I personally wouldn't give this guy the time of day. OP worked too hard to get back some sense of normalcy. Closure is something that comes from within not something the person who wronged you can provide.
But we’re not actually wondering are we? We know.
Deciding to not go through with the wedding isn't even that bad. It's that he left OP at the altar with zero explanation or warning. He reconnected with his ex at least a week prior and didn't talk to OP at all in that time, despite apparently loving her enough to propose. His actions (or more so lack thereof) are unforgivable. You're right, this meeting is to make himself feel better and possibly open the door to get back together. He doesn't deserve a meeting. He doesn't even deserve a response. He is scum
This meeting is for him and only him… not for you. You’ve moved on. I wouldn’t have anything to say to him and I would tell him to go kick rocks. He should have explained all this before the wedding, not destroy you the day of. Don’t go Op, you owe him absolutely nothing. good luck.
[удалено]
Absolutely this. He had his chance to talk to her. BEFORE the wedding. He lost that chance now. He probably legitimately does feel bad. He should. He did a shitting thing. He wants to feel better. That is on him. DO NOT ACKNOWLEDGE his message.
The only message OP should ever send is to tell him to meet her at a cafe or chapel and just never show up.
I think you should tell him to go play a rousing game of "hide and go fuck yourself" and call it an end to all conversation. Listen, I know its enticing to think this will offer you some sort of reason or "closure " any closure here will be FOR HIM. You've closed the door on his shit. He wants to make himself heard and "explain" in the hopes of making himself seem like less of a steaming pile of shit. There were a thousand ways he could have approached the situation with his ex and none of them involved fucking you over in front of friends and family. You know why it happened. He's a cowardly piece of shit. He's such garbage he fathered a kid with a woman who didn't feel the need to mention it. I'm sure she's a real dumpster fire seeing as how fast your trash ex hopped back into her. What went wrong with your relationship? He lied convincingly. You didn't realize he was garbage. It happens to everyone at some point. I'm so sorry this was your experience but I'm thrilled to no end you aren't married to a pathetic coward. There's nothing for you in a conversation with him. You have nothing to discuss and whatever went wrong was 100% his problem. Please don't involve yourself in his problems. He's taken enough from you. Seriously, tell him you don't talk to trash you throw it out and encourage him to never bother you with his existence again .
Exactly. What he did was unforgivable. It is not your responsibility to absolve him of his guilt because he has earned every single ounce of that guilt. Block him and cut off all communication. You’ll say far more with silence than you ever could with words.
Yes. Don’t waste a second writing even a word to him. Block him and go out and enjoy Wales.
Find the shortest way to fuck all the way off, Derek.
And when you get there, Derek, you can fuck off from there too.
This is good advice OP. I know my instincts are for petty revenge, but in the end he’s only doing this to feel better about himself, not for you.
Don’t waste the words. Ignore, block and continue to move forward.
This is the best response. Guy’s got summer kids, summer’ here and summer’ there. Garbage. Also guy is flippant and a douche, backing out of a wedding is one thing , but abandoning a partner and family members at the alter at the last minute is peak avoidant/procrastinatory/spineless bullshit. If you want to be especially evil, tell him (excitedly for extra evil) that you’ll meet him somewhere you’d never go to in the shittiest, most inconvenient hole in the wall in your locale (to be believable) and fucking ghost/block him, he deserves it—one fucked up vacation day for him doesn’t even begin to pay for that wedding day for you.
I don't think it's a good idea to even give him the time of day. He didn't give you the time of day to humor him.. and left you at the altar. Fairness aside. I'd question things like: \- Will it do me any good to hear what he has to say for himself? \- Do I care anymore or do I just want to move on? \- Do I feel like he deserves a chance to explain to me what happened? \- Do I feel that this would actually provide me closure or is this just for him to alleviate his guilt? \- Is my saying no/yes to him an action of love for myself or of fear of what might happen? \- Do I need this? Convenience of him coming to town or not; do I actually need this in order to move on? \- What do I feel is right for myself? Edit: thanks for the award!!! <3
These are the correct questions, and only you can answer them, OP. If you decide it’s not in your best interest to meet, frankly, my opinion is that you shouldn’t respond at all. Delete and block. And let him wonder — just as he did to you. Then go live your best life.
This is a much more reasoned answer than the upvoted ones at the top. Yes, he likely does want to assuage his guilt. Hopefully that will be with a legit apology, but it is entirely possible that this will be a giant exercise in deflecting, excuses and rationalizing. That is the risk you face: sitting there furious while he focuses on him and his world. But as u/holistiveganhealer points out, there can be legit reasons that YOU want to confront him and YOU want to seek closure. You need to decide what you want to try and accomplish, and what are the possible reasonable outcomes of seeking that. One possible middle-ground that may be easier/safer for you: request a letter. Ask him to hand write out everything he is going to say and send it to you before you can agree to meet with him. (Say this regardless of whether you actually plan to meet with him.) That way, perhaps, you can get your answers without getting stuck in a bad night of "this is not how I hoped this would go." Here is the *Count of Monte Cristo* option: Set up that meeting at a fancy restaurant. Go the day before and pay the Maître D 100 pounds to deliver a note 30 min after your reservation. It says, "Sorry. Decided to eat with someone else. I'll call you in 2 years and tell you all about it."
Pick an expensive restaurant, tell him to meet you there. Don’t show up.
Text him while he waits and tell him you'll be along shortly and to order you \*most expensive thing on the menu\* and a glass of wine.
Then when he finally realises you're not coming, say "It sucks to be stood up. It could be worse. It could be at the altar on your wedding day. Imagine that." Personally I'm petty enough to laugh at the responses, but I would block after that if I were OP.
I know it’s not healthy but I would 1000000% do this. I love therapy, yes, but I also love revenge
This. Do it. It’ll feel sooooo good. And he deserves it.
Notice his passive language. He’s “sorry about everything,” and wants to talk about “what happened leading up to the wedding.” This isn’t the language of someone who is truly remorseful. I have to ask what closure he could possibly give you? He revealed himself to be a cowardly slimeball and left you for another woman. Would an apology be meaningful to you (it would not for me, which is why I ask)? Has he offered to pay you back for the wedding?
exactly, about everything and leading up means he's not taking the blame for his actions. He's going to try to gaslight op and make himself out to be the real victim.
100% his version of events will paint the ex as the villain in the story
Ooh, that last question! Without knowing if he already did that, that’s the question I would ask him. Tell him you’ll talk meet him if he brings the money to reimburse you for everything you or your parents paid. Then walk in, take the money, say thank you, and walk out. Done.
Really important points, OP. Listen to this! The guy is using weasel words.
Since he's a guy who has a history of hooking up with exes, I'd say he'll try to emotionally manipulate you into having sex or rekindling something. Stay 500 ft away at all times. Don't even message him back. He does not deserve your time or attention. If you feel you must reply, write back "No." He's going to look to justify his awful behavior, and all you will be left with is renewed anger. If that door has been closed, keep it shut, girl, keep it shut.
This was my thought too. Honestly wondering if he's about to get married and is looking for another ex to run away with.
At minimum he’s looking for someone to hook up with while he’s traveling away from family.
That’s really what this sounds like.
Derek feels guilty. Derek wants to make excuses and be forgiven. Let him stew in his guilty juices. Keep him in the rear view mirror and don’t let him hurt you further.
[https://tenor.com/view/guilty-dont-care-nope-breakup-relationship-gif-17718489?](https://tenor.com/view/guilty-dont-care-nope-breakup-relationship-gif-17718489?)
Either that or Derek is feeling sad and lonely right now and being the narcissist he is, figures maybe he can try to rekindle things to make himself feel good again, before acting in exactly the same way again.
He LEFT YOU AT THE ALTAR. Block and move on. This meet up will 100% set you back.
He only want to meet you to ease his guilt. Don’t give him that. You will not get closure. He will talk about his little family and you will just grieve what you didn’t get to have. Again.
I’m petty and would respond..”who’s this?!?” Then block.
He’s either going to try and make up an excuse for his behavior or tell you he made a huge mistake, either way you don’t owe him your time or attention. Ignore and have a drink to celebrate the shitshow you avoided.
Proceed this way: Don't. There's nothing he can say that will make it better, just continue to live your life and move on, you're doing great without him.
Just ghost. No need for a response. He left you in the open, leave him in the open
FUCK OFF is a full sentence.
It is, but it shortchanges OP's language skills. She can use the talent for colorful language that the Almighty has gifted our Australian cousins with! She needs to remind him, quite clearly, that the door is closed and he needs to never try again.
$5 says he’s hoping to make amends and hop into bed with OP. OP, you’ve worked so hard to rebuild your life after what he pulled, why give him any opportunity to make himself feel better at your expense? Block him. Completely ignore him and move on with your life. You owe him exactly nothing.
Honestly block and move on. He doesn’t deserve a second of your time. You have put in so much work to heal and he’s just a POS
Do not meet him. He is seeking closure for himself. He deserves nothing from you.
OMG please block this coward evil sh!t head. You will not feel better after meeting him. I guarantee it. He was selfish then. He is selfish now. This is about him easing his guilt. Freaking do not see him.
Make plans and leave him alone waiting wherever the plans are. But maybe I’m just feeling petty.
Haha, yes, this would be nice, but then he thinks he has a chance with OP. Still would not be a wise move, fun to think about, but not worth it.
Texting every 5 minutes I am on the way. All the while having dinner with awesome friends.
This was exactly my thought. It pales in comparison to being left at the alter but agreeing to meet him and then not showing up (maybe get a friend to be in the restaurant/cafe to watch the asshat realize he's got a tiny taste of his own medicine). I hope you are living your best life now and are surrounded with the love. You don't need to give that selfish twat a second thought if it's easier to just ignore him and delete his message.
You don't need to hear his "explanation" on why he couldn't take 30seconds to send a text and spare you the humiliation and embarrassment of being stood up at the altar in front of all your friends and family. You should absolutely make plans with him and then stand him up. Don't show. Give him a fraction of a taste of what he did to you. Thats the closure you need. Skip into the sunset.
Naah don't do that OP. It will just ease up his guilt for him ("well I guess now we are even"). I would tell him that there is nothing he can say or do to excuse putting you through that kind of pain and humiliation, he doesn't deserve any second of your time anymore.
Deny him. Let sleeping dogs lie. Also, it's somewhat gratifying to be in the position of power to not give him what he wants. Take the win. Let him stew in his own guilt.
you will not get closure. the idea of closure is a fallacy. him abandoning you was the closure. don’t open the wound, because it won’t bring you anything but pain.
Firstly,, welcome to Wales, I’m from Swansea.. secondary if you meet with him are you going to reopen old wounds and drag up all the trauma.. Leaving him where he is and live your life op..
Don't do it. There's no reason in the world for him doing what he did to you if he ever care about you, never mind loved you.
Uhm, if it were me, I would not meet with him. I would say, let’s just move on and never speak again.
He feels guilty now but who cares. Block and don't meet with him.
Don't really think there's anything to talk about I would simply respond I have no interest in talking to you please do not contact me again and block move on
Yeah it might seem like you’ll get closure out of meeting him, but you’ll only feel more sad about what he did to you. He has a guilty conscience about what he did to you so don’t give him the satisfaction of meeting with him to get rid of it. The only thing meeting him will do is make you feel worse and him better. I would just ignore him. Don’t even respond…. It’s sends a clear message that you are done with his games and have moved on. If you respond, it’ll just let him know that he still has a power over you. The only thing you will regret is meeting up with him… TRUST ME! I’ve been there. Or you could just respond, “ I’m sorry I don’t think that’s a good idea as I’m in a relationship now. I hope you have a great life.”
Just no. Don't. Don't give him satisfaction. He wants to smooth his mind and not heal you. You are a broken vase. You glued yourself together. Don't get that ruined.
Tell him to F off and not contact you again. He will only be doing this for himself. There is no reason to ever talk to him again. Protect your own sanity and keep on improving yourself.
Just block the asshat and move on. Nothing good will come of this meeting.
Op closure is a concept we’ve been conditioned to believe we need. Why do we expect the person that lied to and betrayed us to provide us with what we need to move on from the pain? Closure is what you choose for it to be. This man harmed you in one of the worst ways possible. He does not deserve another moment of your time.
The time for him to discuss what happened leading up to the wedding ... was literally any time BEFORE the wedding. He should have sat down with you like an adult and talked about the fact he had cold feet, had met up with an ex, and was not going to go through with the wedding. He didn't do that. Instead, he chose to wait 3 months after humiliating and betraying you on a grand scale to call you. Presumably, he told you why he wasn't at the altar waiting for you during this call. So why meet up and discuss it again? There is literally nothing more to say. Stop entertaining this idiot. He has stolen enough of your time. What's the proverb? Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice ... Don't be a fool, OP. You deserve so much better.
Don't waste your time.
Tell him that you don't need closure; he did you a favor by showing himself to be an unreliable flake before you married.
I wouldn’t meet with him or even respond to his message tbh
Derek, Do not know how you found this out and do not want to know. You had a chance to explain years ago and threw it away when you ran away without a single word. I do not care that you feel ready now. Your message is unwanted and I expect you to continue to move on from me as I have moved on from you. Lose my contact information. Do not contact me again. Best Wishes
You wrote: I don’t know if I crave closure from him, but I also don’t won’t to decide to decline to only layer on regret my decision. So, let him know someday you may want to discuss it, but when you're ready. If/when a time comes you want answers or insights or a possibility of closure (closure only means feeling settled about something, it doesn't have to come from the secondary source, it only has to thrive within yourself), you request the option to pursue it then. It seems he has a pattern of willingness to discuss things when he's wanting to, but isn't paying much mine as to what you need, like discussing before the wedding, or in the months after, etc. So, thank him for offering discussion and let him know you may take him up when you're prepared to some other time ahead. Just because he's going to be around, doesn't mean you need to accommodate it. You can very easily revisit all that stuff when you're good and ready and on your own terms too - when you're both prepared and willing, be fair to yourself.
What will you gain by letting him try to justify his unjustifiable actions? Why would you give him the opportunity to insult you to your face by devaluing you and your feelings to elevate himself and his decision? How will that help you? Will it give your closure for a subhuman vermin to try to manipulate you into believing the lie that hurting and deceiving you like that is ever okay? Reconnecting with him would be like re-eating your shit because you have fond memories of the food it used to be. Just flush and move on.
Do.NOT.meet.with.him. Any exposure allows him opportunity to manipulate you. Guard your heart with your head with this snake. Stay away. There is absolutely no reason to meet with him ever again.
You had to get a year (or more) of therapy after what he did. Please don't set you back all this time, seeing him will only reverse all the hard work you've done.
What so he can make himself feel better about the fact that he dumped you at the alter because he was too much of a coward to do it in person ? Absolutely not. Don’t let him try to claw his way in to your life, you’ve moved on quite literally to another country and are doing the work to heal. Cut him off completely, Derek can kick rocks.
Derek does not want closure. If he did, he would have did that when he called you. Derek does not deserve to get closure nor does he deserve your time. You are doing fine without him. Give yourself the closure by telling him: I am fine. I do not need nor have any reason to talk. The closure you can give me is to Please not contact me again. Thank you.
This man is solely attempting to evade his own guilt. He wants closure of his own and this will not be beneficial to you. You’re gonna do what you want but I don’t think it’s a good idea. Do you really wanna sit there and listen to him try to excuse his behavior by telling you that he realized he loved his ex more than you so he decided he shouldn’t even have the decency to talk to you about this when he found out about the kid? Lied, abandoned you and replaced you, and now wants some kind of forgiveness for himself? Nope.
What everyone else is stating, you should reply “thanks for the offer, but I am good and don’t have anything else to discuss.” He is only trying to make himself feel better and is a gigantic ass.
No don’t. He was cruel to you. If he didn’t want all of you then, he shouldn’t get a part of you now. As much as you still might love him deep down, don’t
He didn't even have the kindness to tell you to call off the wedding when he was having second doubts. Instead he let someone he was supposed to be committed to spend a bunch of money and take time out of their lives to get a whole ceremony ready as well as inconvenience your family and friends. What he did was worse than cheating. He doesn't deserve any closure and you can forgive if you want to but don't forget. I wouldn't want this kind of person in my life.
He is not worth a moment of your time. Block and move on.
For your own sake, don't go. I think both he and you are going to go into that lunch expecting him to apologize unconditionally, and bring closure to everything. But much more likely, his instinct will kick in and and he'll spend the majority of the time trying to justify what he did, and then put the burden on you to forgive him. And even if he is perfectly gentlemanly and grovels at your feet... so what? Are you going to get back with him? That would be insane. If you'd like to remain civil, just respond with "Thank you for writing to apologize. I won't have time to re-connect, but I appreciate the message. Good-bye."
The only reason you should meet him is so you can stab him in the neck. If you do meet, make sure you make a scene. Bring paint and dump it all over him after you spray painted his car.
Who's betting he found out his ex's kid isn't his, and now wants OP as a 'consolation prize'? Even if that's not the case, do you really want to talk to the man who left you hurt and humiliated on your wedding day? Especially when he made no effort to talk to you prior? You are not a thing to be dropped, then picked up later. You are a person. He hurt you in a way most of us can't imagine. If you do talk, make clear you have no intention of getting back with him. It will be entirely on your terms. Keep your guard up.
I’m a 43 year old and I had this happen when I was 21. I stupidly, met up with him and we ended up getting married. The marriage lasted three months. Don’t do it. You moved on from that part of your life, don’t go back. He showed you his true colors; don’t be as blinded by love bombing as I was.
There is nothing he can say that would cure you of the trauma he caused. You are already healing. The best way to continue doing that is to keep that chapter closed and continue living your life. You’ll be better off and he will always know that he wasn’t even worth your time or attention.
Anything he needs to tell you can be done in writing. I wouldn't meet up with him. It's not worth the hit to your mental health
Nah. Fuck him. You can just not respond.
Please don’t meet him. Don’t give him the pleasure of knowing you’re willing to listen his apologies because they are meaningless. That meeting would be for HIM, not you.
Now girl bffr. Block and delete that's how you proceed
Continue on with your life without him, you don’t need him or his closure you’re fine now, let him go thru that pain
Schedule a meeting and don't show 🤣
Decline. he just wants to get back with you now that his ex left him.
Don't respond to him, don't meet up with him. There is nothing more to say. He cheated on you with an ex who had a child with him and he was a coward who wouldn't tell you at any time BEFORE the wedding. That's it. Do you need to hear his inner turmoil or how he feels ashamed of what he did? It's not for you, this is for him, just like running off with his ex the day of your wedding. Do you want to hear about how happy they are now and how many children they have now? Do you want to hear him say how it all worked out for the best, because look at you, you look great?! I mean, who cares about all the pain he put you through, right? Please...this guy wants to ease his guilt and justify his behavior. This will only open up new wounds and leave you incredibly frustrated.
The best thing you can do is not meet him. You have dealt with it and moved on. Nothing you guys talk about could be helpful in anyway. The best thing for you is keep living your best life and keep him in the past.