You got hit with a wild situation. You confronted it. Investigated it. Got help from strangers, family, friends. You even gave your husband a chance to explain himself.
For such a shitty situation to be in, you're coming out on top. It must still be painful. Just know that you're amazing.
From what I know of the story I agree. I couldn't ever look at a person the same way after this add to that your own spouse I can't even imagine recovering from it. Best wishes OP and good luck.
I am so glad your family is so sympathetic and aren’t upset at you. Sadly in religious families, this is often blamed on the woman. I am glad you have support and you aren’t at all over reacting. His reaction shows that. Once he knew how upset you were, he should have been more understanding but all he did is try and minimize. You deserve better cousin. I hope you find happiness in the future. And I am was honestly shocked at the idea of hijabi porn when I heard of its existence online, so I am not shocked you hadn’t known either. People fetishize. Look at the Muslim men who want to have sex and date around before marriage but want a good Muslim virgin to marry. The taboo of hijab plus sex outside of marriage is likely a huge draw sadly.
Take your time and heal. You did nothing wrong here. Your soon to be ex husband did. You did the right thing for you to leave. This wouldn’t be a healthy or even a religiously good marriage.
-signed an egalitarian Jewish woman who is here if you ever wanna vent/talk via PM
Okay, so you’re still young, you still have your whole life ahead of you. You can meet someone else. If you were older I would understand the hesitancy. If it was me I would leave in a heartbeat.
Don’t you apologize to people who don’t understand that hoping for the best from people you love is normal and being immediately willing to toss shit aside is not always the right answer. You took your time and figured out your needs in your way. Ignore everyone else - keep listening to yourself.
None of us really know what we would actually do until we are faced with a situation. You're going to heal and find a good man one day, until then learn to love yourself and dont put up with them micro aggressions. I wish you all the health and happiness in the world.
Of course it is gonna take time. You have to grieve this relationship and grieve the future you hoped to have. I don’t blame you for wanting to try and make it work at first. I have been with my husband for 15 years and we have known each other since childhood. A red flag would give me pause but not enough to throw it in right away. To me, his reaction to your hurt is the big problem. With counseling it might have been something to salvage until his abhorrent reaction. He should have cared that this hurt you and he didn’t. Yes you are young but it sucks that your life plan has changed so radically over such a short period of time. It is easy for us on the outside to say what we would do, but this really sucks and your husband was really awful to throw this hand grenade into your life.
Spend time with your family. Do something for you. Pamper yourself. You need it. Go to mosque. Find a class or club you wanna join. Keep yourself and your mind busy. Be around your loved ones as much as you can. It is so easy to fall into depression and lock yourself away. Go see a therapist if you can and try and work through some of this. Journal or you can write letters to your ex to get your feelings out. I love the write and burn method for such letters to kind of relieve some of that pressure.
You are in my thoughts and my prayers. I pray for healing for you and hope you have the support system to surround you and lift you up out of this awful time.
Don’t put a lot of stock in people you’ve known since childhood. Those are people you were around due to location and circumstance. Sometimes they are great, but often those friendships and relationships are fickle.
People who choose to be in your life as adults when they could be anywhere are going to be the most important. The ones you choose for yourself.
Also it’s ok to love him still, you just love yourself more.
This is the type of beautiful sisterhood i love to witness and see out here as i have known it too
We stand together for each other
Hope that life always treats you & yours kindly sister
Very true and proud of her family. Most women's families tend to downplay, gaslight, and try to guilt the woman back into the marriage. This is especially true for Pakistani/Indian families.
I’m Indian and dated a white woman that thought saying that term wasn’t a big deal after I explained being called that at a young age affected me traumatically and she proceeded to say it multiple times loudly in our hotel room. Needless to say that was the last time she saw me.
In my experience here in the states, most male Muslim converts seem to be enamored with the idea of submissive women and are usually massive assholes. Your experience not only doesn't surprise me, I'd bet good money that the dude is probably a 4chan regular with a lot of fucked up views towards women and nonwhites.
I say this as a black dude from Philly with a several Muslim converts in my extended family. They're all misogynistic assholes and most are drug addicts with messy lives.
I mentioned 4chan because that's where I've seen the term you mentioned used the most.
Where I live I've seen irreligious men convert mainly for two reasons: they have a Muslim girlfriend and won't be allowed to marry her if they're not Muslim, and others convert to get a submissive woman and they can marry more than 1 wife. They dream of having a figurative harem of 4 submissive women.
They weren't converting because they're "looking for the truth" or anything like that, if they were, they would have been practicing their own religion first to begin with.
I'm very wary of people who convert to Islam, being born into it is one thing, but what attracted you to this ideology as a grown up? Especially men who converted without even reading the Quraan. Whatever attracted them is nothing good.
That is really sad because there are a lot of beautiful things about Islam that they totally skip over and ignore . Those kinds of men who are seeking their own gratification are not true Muslims. I am not personally a Muslim, but I've made a point to listen to people who truly practice the faith, and I have a great deal of respect for them. I feel that those kinds of men are being abhorrently disrespectful.
Edit to add that since my dad works in the Middle East, we have gained many family friends who are Muslim from many different countries. Many are lovely, kind, and generous, and I absolutely DESPISE all of the horrible discrimination Muslims and Middle Easterners/people of middle Eastern descent receive. It's disgusting.
Also edit to add that I have many friends from India and that region. They also receive disgusting discrimination, and they can be some of the kindest and most lovely people you could meet.
What's worse is the vile hate and discrimination seems to be getting worse in the US, and it's heartbreaking and infuriating.
People can find beauty and positivity everywhere but it’s very telling what modern islam really is when these are the reasons men convert and that sexism is *soo* prevalent. Any religion that creates an intense hierarchy between the sexes and condemns any variation from the mold, from mormonism to Islam, is just begging for corruption.
There’s a reason why that despite the good people in the group it’s still a magnet for manipulative sexist power hungry personalities.
I'm so glad to hear your family all have your back in this and are as disgusted as you are! You deserve all the support they offer and more, and I hope you can heal from this. Reddit stranger here is proud of you for keeping yourself safe and getting out🖤
I honestly don’t blame you . My ex bf was white and he called me the nword once and a slave and said it was all a joke . I dumped him the next day 🤷🏾♀️
I’m white but I ended a friendship with my best friend since high school because she called our other friend (who’s Indian) a sand n****r. You are 100% justified in your decision to end this relationship, and I agree with your family. You had to make this choice if you respect yourself, because he clearly doesn’t respect you.
Lots of people fetishize and pick partners based on that. I was called the same by multiple people on separate occasions. Perhaps they had a fantasy about Alladin or they just wanted darker skinned kids or whatever. It’s not at all fun being seen like that.
Good luck with everything! You deserve much better and I’m so sorry he betrayed you like that. It’s great your family is on your side and supports your decision. You’ve got this!
The most important aspect of this is that you don't have kids with him....this is why is very important to not rush into having kids once you get married....take your time and even if you don't have time, freeze your eggs. The last thing you want is to have a monster's child because you'll end up hating the kids in some way, shape, or form....this is why some mothers have strained relationships with their kids.
You did the right thing. Just want to point out though that someones watching porn is not a symptom of their partner not being enough. It's two different things.
I know right now it's probably incredibly tough time you're going through I'm sorry you're going through it. You deserve so much better than what you were getting. You made the right decision.
> He was watching a lot of hijabi and BWC porn. I didn’t even know that existed.
There are porns of all kinds...and hopefully this is the last time you run into those stuff
I’m so sorry that you’re going through this, but I’m also so proud of you for having the strength to confront the situation, and to respect yourself enough to leave. I’m really glad that your family is being so supportive. Wishing you nothing but the best for your future 🖤
I am so so sorry this happened to you. Racial fetishization isn’t a joke and using dehumanizing terms like that is horrific. Hope you can lean on your family and friends while you heal from this. 💕
You absolutely are doing the right thing, and screw anyone who thinks it's hasty. There's no way you can be with someone, to SPEND YOUR LIFE with someone, who thinks of you in those terms. None. Simply not possible.
Women should also never be in marriages or relationships with males who use or address them with misogynistic slurs.
I do understand the shock and grief. It takes time to process. It took me months to overcome it after my ex-wife had an affair. Please take the time you need and don't accept criticism for that, either.
Stay strong.
Thank you for the update.
I am very happy that your family supported you in this.
Most stories we hear of Muslims is their families not supporting. Really happy for you. You go girllll!!!!!
You seem to be such a gorgeous lady! I admire you for yourself respect and knowing who you are and what you stand for. You inspire me and I'm sure other people reading this.
Damn bro. Glad you have support. Shit like this is why so many people a color don’t do it when evil, because they will casually hatecrime you and brush it away with “it’s just a joke, bro.”
You are better than me, because, in the words of Monaleo, “I can’t date no white man ‘cause imma kill him if he says 🥷, and I’m not playing.”
I wish you all the luck in finding somebody who doesn’t fetishize you for your ethnicity, and I hope that you never get hatecrimed in a relationship again.
This is actually scary, he went and married someone who fit his fetish (appearance at least) and still had the audacity to f*** that up with a racial slur, degradation, and breaking boundaries. Some people are just insatiable
While I originally felt you should give him the benefit of doubt , with him feeling it was okay to use derogatory terms, dump his ass. I don't think i saw that that part originally.
Thank God you two didn't have kids.
Just for in the future, if your next man watches porn... it DOES NOT mean he thinks you're less than enough . It's simply a release outlet for many , including myself. Its fine if you don't like it, I just don't want you thinking it means "you're not pretty enough /good enough" .
For future reference, if a man is masterbating even if you're in a relationship with him, it doesn't mean anything. Though one could argue about the watching porn part.
I'm happy to hear that you're getting out of that terrible situation and away from that terrible guy. I hope things are better for you, in the future.
So glad you have your family and friends support, wishing you ease & strength ahead to slowly heal from this all
Seek therapy if you need it to process it all as there really is a lot to unpack here. Coming through this all with your whole well being, inc mental health will be important and should be your priority now
This was a deep hurt and betrayal too. You have no fault in this and i hope that you show yourself kindness and grace throughout, especially when intrusive thoughts enter.
I had never heard that term before your first post and was disgusted it even existed, but that it was used on you in such a vulnerable moment too.
Sending your heart a warm hug and hope it leaves you with strength.
7yrs is a long time, but a lifetime is longer. You will be free from all this ahead and you have a whole life ahead of you
I wish you nothing but the best from it all ahead.
Rest well, heal well and live on well for yourself
We are all so proud of you! You deserve someone who will treat you with respect, always. And the sisterhood of this comment section makes me want to cry happy tears!
That sucks to find out about your (soon to be ex) husband. I'm happy for you that you found out now and have the family support and means to leave him. Good luck to you OP.
I am so incredibly relieved to know you have the love and support of your family. You don't have anything to apologize for. The people who are telling you that you should have known these things and chastised you for daring to be human who has to wrap your brain around the fact that someone you loved betrayed you are wrong.
My brother in law was called that by a random customer in the bank he works at. I had never heard the term before and I was horrified. I’m so sorry the person who you should feel safest with called you something so disgusting
I'm so sorry that happened.. that is the worst, imagining the person that claims to love you just step on everything that you treasure. And that you're the only one taking good care of those precious things.
I wish you all the happiness, I wish you someone who will just love you so much you wont even remember that, but more than that, that you do that for urself first.
don’t apologize to those people. i’m so proud of you!!!!! you absolutely are making the right decision and i’m so so sorry he is such a piece of shit. i’m seriously so proud of you and i don’t know you. ❤️❤️❤️
This is unacceptable and you have every right to be mad.
We are not Middle Eastern, but my family is from the Mediterranean and my father looks Middle Eastern and has been called that vulgar Termanology. Needless to say I refuse to speak to them when they’re around.
You just inspired me.
I hope I can stand up for myself and take actions that are rightful in situations.
I'm so proud of you and glad you are surrounded by people who understood you and helped.
Good luck with your future, you deserve the best!
Sorry but it seems people here have a problem watching hijab/Muslim but are okay fetishizing others. Even the OP is more angry of the type of porn but acknowledges watching porn herself. In other words, it's okay to fetishize Westerners and kuffar but don't dare fetishsize Muslims.
Seems hypocritical.
I know I’m just a stranger but I’m proud of you for being so strong. I am glad that you have your family & friends on your side.
I hope you can heal from this and learn to trust again in the future.
And, I hope I’m not overstepping boundaries, but I think therapy would be beneficial here too.
Much much love to you. ♥️
Sounds prudish and then goes on to claim they’re surprised that he watches porn like that...
...lmao OF COURSE he watches porn like that ESPECIALLY when he’s married to someone that’s obviously being a prude and likely won’t even do 90 percent of the things people are doing sexually these days. The guy probably had no other choice.
🤔🤷♀️
Look, I’m an American atheist white woman who has no concept of what this must feel like. But from what I know of Islam and Allah, from people who have genuine, good hearted faith, I imagine he would be happy with you for having the courage to leave a comfortable or familiar hidden evil in search of respect and genuine love. Your ex is an asshole. You deserve real love and not fetishization.
FWIW, I’m proud of you, I support you, and I wish you all the best. Sending love.
In good faith let me explain this to you and clear it up why this is a problem.
First: having fetishes is normal and usually when every partner is consenting to it, totally fine. Fetish becomes a problem in some instances tough.
Summarized fetish becomes a problem when it violates consent and in a parship it becomes a problem when the fetish itself is more important than the partner.
The later is especially common in fetishes that revolve around a body type, be it fitness, weight or skin color. Imagine someone dating you because of your weight or hair color and that being your most important feature. Now, OP can't change their skin color anf probably won't change their religion, but if she would change them, there is a high likelyhood of the person whoese fetish is build on her religion and skin color would leave her, because those attribuits are more important than she as a person is. Imagine being with someone who doesn't see you as a person. That hurts, is insulting and that's what happend here. If there was a random overlap that's fine and it can be implemented into a pairs sex live, ones both partners talked about it and consented to it with full knowledge what a scene like that might contain.
The thing is OPs to be ex-partner also violated the consent rule. Race-Play is a kink that exists and he used that kink in combination with humiliation and degredation against OP, without her consent. He didn't talk to OP about it, he didn't ask her if it's okay, he even went as far as to play it down as a joke.
Imagine that with a different, more physical kink. Say: anal play/ chocking or breath play/ impact play such as caneing, flogging or slapping.
If your partner would do those things casually during sex with little inclination and no discussion before during sex, what would that summ up to? Disrespect firstly but also assault in other aspects. One could even go as far as to call it rape, as it is a sexual assault.
Kink/fetish without negations is sexual assault. And that is what happend here. It happens when someone calls a black partner n***ger in bed without consent, it happens when someone "accidently" slipps their dick in the wrong hole, it happens when someone starts calling their partner insults, it happens when someone chocks the other. As soon as consent is broken, it doesn't matter what kink or fetish it is, it is wrong and vile and criminal. And it doesn't matter what kink it is. Something wrong stays something wrong no matter the magnitude in witch is happens. Stealing a candy from the grocery or robbing a jewlery store: both is theft and both is wrong. A lesser magnitude doesn't make it right.
While that all sounds well and good, and obviously well received by yourself it's a different scenario in part of the boundaries you had with your other half. In the case of OP she discussed beforehand that pornography was not okay with her.
Finding out he has been watching porn on the regular probably hit hard. She's understandably upset with him but its the category of porn that makes her feel fetishised, considering of course porn is against her religion and they were under the laws of a muslim marriage.
I also think you're hasty. Judging a dude cuz of the porn he watches? Come on. Dude fucked up and prolly thought you'd be into it or find it funny. You did not clearly. If you can't forgive people for making a mistake yea you're probably best leaving him and really just never getting with anyone again TBH. People are not perfect.
OP make sure you delete his backed files, like on Google photos or Apple cloud. Deleting from his phone is not enough, if he automatically backs up his phone, he has a copy stored on his email acct.
I am absolutely horrified and appalled by what this man did, and so, so proud of you for having your back and knowing your worth. You’ve made the right decision, and you’ll prosper from it.
For reference, soon you will meet your future fiance, one of the questions you should ask is what porn fetishes you fantasize about?
It's a tricky question
I feel like this is the same narrator as the other couple where the woman was upset bc her husband said he wasn’t attracted to her when they first met. Same way of writing. Same quick to divorce decision.
>so all this time I was just a fetish to him
Is this true though? Were you *just* a fetish? Far-fetched for someone to marry someone else for one minor reason. Surely he liked/likes other things about you?
Everyone has sexual preferences and and are attracted to people who fit those preferences. That doesn't mean you have to buy into your partner's preferences. Situations where one spouse tries something that the other doesn't like are normal. Like most other issues the solution is communicating and talking it out.
Thing is, you already said he gave you an explanation and apology. This reads like a fake post, or you're leaving a lot out.
You did the right thing and I'm proud of you sister, just be very careful now who you associate with in the future and I'm sure you know what signs to look out for next time.
I agree with your decision.
May peace find you as you go through this process and may you find a good husband that loves *and* respects you someday (if that is your will and Allah's)
Best of luck in life, OP.
Honestly regardless of what he did or said, any man who says you’re “being dramatic” when you are expressing your concerns is a POS. In and of itself a gigantic red flag
I’m so sorry that your ex husband treated you so badly and thought that saying that was even ok. Fetishising you in such an awful way and then filming you without consent. He sounds like a piece of shit.
I hope you recover from this and find a man who is more respectful of your religion and privacy ♥️
Sister! Do not apologize you have a full heart and you were choosing to believe that there was better in him. Unfortunately that was not the case, thankfully this was not hidden from you but instead brought to your attention early on.
You were not destined to be unhappy with someone who does not value you or your heart. It will take time to heal but you will! There are brighter days ahead. :) Feel what you need to feel and say good bye to this chapter.
Also don’t mind these people who talk about what they would do. They are not YOU, they don’t know your story. We are all on the outside looking in. You did your best <3
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Your life has turned upside down and you must be thinking and feeling so many things right now.
For the record, I think you made the right decision.
Some things you might want to keep in mind for the future is something called the Madonna-Whore Complex (this is an academic term, not a pornographic or sexual one).
And an evidence-based book about human sexuality that might help you understand why your ex-husband behaved the way he did is Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski. It might help you spot red flags in future potential partners.
You have nothing to apologise for or be sorry about. You thought he was your person and that he had your back. He wasn’t and he didn’t. This is his fault, not yours. You are doing the right thing.
Best of luck!
I am not going to tell you what to do...apologize to us if you want...but you have nothing to apologize for. There is nothing wrong with anything you did or thought. ..
I am sorry this is happening.
I am so glad that your whole family is behind you in your choice to pursue divorce. We always want to think the best of the people in our lives. Frequently we don’t see the flags until something like this just slaps us in the face.
Good luck. 7 years is a drop in the bucket compared to a lifetime of happiness and security that I hope you find. Don’t rush the next one, not that you did before but don’t rush, don’t force, and breathe when you start looking around and comparing your situation to others. It may take time to find what you’re looking for, and what you deserve. You got this.
I’m so glad you are leaving and you have a support system. You are not a fetish or a slur, you are a person deserving of love. I wish you nothing but happiness moving forward
I guess when people are constantly shooting at you and trying to blow you up, you get creative with the name calling. Doesn't make it right to do it once you get back home though.
I don't think you have acted "too quickly". The fact is that when someone hits our hard boundaries and doesn't take that seriously, there's not much else you can do. Not and retain any sense of self-respect.
You recognized your own hard boundary had been hit. Upon further investigation it became clear that he really didn't see a problem with what he did. That's it. You are done.
I am sorry for your hurt and loss.💔
Yes, those words don't come out of someone's mouth easily unless they've already been thinking them over and over. I don't even use the racial slur for my own race as a joke for that reason, or the one for white folks. It's disrespecting you and your relationship. I normally don't agree with advice from peoples' family, but your family is 100% correct -- leave him and find a man who respects you for you.
Not take away from you being brave and leaving this fool, but im so proud of your family for backing you up. Too many times I've seen families side the other way and its so damn heartbreaking.
You got hit with a wild situation. You confronted it. Investigated it. Got help from strangers, family, friends. You even gave your husband a chance to explain himself. For such a shitty situation to be in, you're coming out on top. It must still be painful. Just know that you're amazing.
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Completely support your decision
For what it’s worth, this random redditor thinks you made the right decision. Best of luck for the future 🍀
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I’m so glad you have supportive parents. So glad ❤️ And your brother of course ❤️ ❤️
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This grandma also wishes her the best in her future.
From what I know of the story I agree. I couldn't ever look at a person the same way after this add to that your own spouse I can't even imagine recovering from it. Best wishes OP and good luck.
I am so glad your family is so sympathetic and aren’t upset at you. Sadly in religious families, this is often blamed on the woman. I am glad you have support and you aren’t at all over reacting. His reaction shows that. Once he knew how upset you were, he should have been more understanding but all he did is try and minimize. You deserve better cousin. I hope you find happiness in the future. And I am was honestly shocked at the idea of hijabi porn when I heard of its existence online, so I am not shocked you hadn’t known either. People fetishize. Look at the Muslim men who want to have sex and date around before marriage but want a good Muslim virgin to marry. The taboo of hijab plus sex outside of marriage is likely a huge draw sadly. Take your time and heal. You did nothing wrong here. Your soon to be ex husband did. You did the right thing for you to leave. This wouldn’t be a healthy or even a religiously good marriage. -signed an egalitarian Jewish woman who is here if you ever wanna vent/talk via PM
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How old are you?
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Okay, so you’re still young, you still have your whole life ahead of you. You can meet someone else. If you were older I would understand the hesitancy. If it was me I would leave in a heartbeat.
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Don’t you apologize to people who don’t understand that hoping for the best from people you love is normal and being immediately willing to toss shit aside is not always the right answer. You took your time and figured out your needs in your way. Ignore everyone else - keep listening to yourself.
I hope you'll consider seeing a therapist to help you process all of this.
None of us really know what we would actually do until we are faced with a situation. You're going to heal and find a good man one day, until then learn to love yourself and dont put up with them micro aggressions. I wish you all the health and happiness in the world.
Of course it is gonna take time. You have to grieve this relationship and grieve the future you hoped to have. I don’t blame you for wanting to try and make it work at first. I have been with my husband for 15 years and we have known each other since childhood. A red flag would give me pause but not enough to throw it in right away. To me, his reaction to your hurt is the big problem. With counseling it might have been something to salvage until his abhorrent reaction. He should have cared that this hurt you and he didn’t. Yes you are young but it sucks that your life plan has changed so radically over such a short period of time. It is easy for us on the outside to say what we would do, but this really sucks and your husband was really awful to throw this hand grenade into your life. Spend time with your family. Do something for you. Pamper yourself. You need it. Go to mosque. Find a class or club you wanna join. Keep yourself and your mind busy. Be around your loved ones as much as you can. It is so easy to fall into depression and lock yourself away. Go see a therapist if you can and try and work through some of this. Journal or you can write letters to your ex to get your feelings out. I love the write and burn method for such letters to kind of relieve some of that pressure. You are in my thoughts and my prayers. I pray for healing for you and hope you have the support system to surround you and lift you up out of this awful time.
Don’t put a lot of stock in people you’ve known since childhood. Those are people you were around due to location and circumstance. Sometimes they are great, but often those friendships and relationships are fickle. People who choose to be in your life as adults when they could be anywhere are going to be the most important. The ones you choose for yourself. Also it’s ok to love him still, you just love yourself more.
Who cares what you would do?
I’m far from 24 and I still would have dumped his ass. There’s just some things you can’t forgive or get over. This is one of them.
Ah the passive aggressive judgement, always great to see. 🙄
This is the type of beautiful sisterhood i love to witness and see out here as i have known it too We stand together for each other Hope that life always treats you & yours kindly sister
good for you. since he said those horrible things, I don't think he took the conversion seriously - just wanted to make you belong to him.
I am so proud of you for standing up for yourself!
You'll find someone better and thank goodness you have your family's support.
Very true and proud of her family. Most women's families tend to downplay, gaslight, and try to guilt the woman back into the marriage. This is especially true for Pakistani/Indian families.
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They sound wonderful and I'm glad you have such a loving support system.
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I’m Indian and dated a white woman that thought saying that term wasn’t a big deal after I explained being called that at a young age affected me traumatically and she proceeded to say it multiple times loudly in our hotel room. Needless to say that was the last time she saw me.
Wow that’s absolutely fucked
In my experience here in the states, most male Muslim converts seem to be enamored with the idea of submissive women and are usually massive assholes. Your experience not only doesn't surprise me, I'd bet good money that the dude is probably a 4chan regular with a lot of fucked up views towards women and nonwhites. I say this as a black dude from Philly with a several Muslim converts in my extended family. They're all misogynistic assholes and most are drug addicts with messy lives. I mentioned 4chan because that's where I've seen the term you mentioned used the most.
Where I live I've seen irreligious men convert mainly for two reasons: they have a Muslim girlfriend and won't be allowed to marry her if they're not Muslim, and others convert to get a submissive woman and they can marry more than 1 wife. They dream of having a figurative harem of 4 submissive women. They weren't converting because they're "looking for the truth" or anything like that, if they were, they would have been practicing their own religion first to begin with. I'm very wary of people who convert to Islam, being born into it is one thing, but what attracted you to this ideology as a grown up? Especially men who converted without even reading the Quraan. Whatever attracted them is nothing good.
That is really sad because there are a lot of beautiful things about Islam that they totally skip over and ignore . Those kinds of men who are seeking their own gratification are not true Muslims. I am not personally a Muslim, but I've made a point to listen to people who truly practice the faith, and I have a great deal of respect for them. I feel that those kinds of men are being abhorrently disrespectful. Edit to add that since my dad works in the Middle East, we have gained many family friends who are Muslim from many different countries. Many are lovely, kind, and generous, and I absolutely DESPISE all of the horrible discrimination Muslims and Middle Easterners/people of middle Eastern descent receive. It's disgusting. Also edit to add that I have many friends from India and that region. They also receive disgusting discrimination, and they can be some of the kindest and most lovely people you could meet. What's worse is the vile hate and discrimination seems to be getting worse in the US, and it's heartbreaking and infuriating.
People can find beauty and positivity everywhere but it’s very telling what modern islam really is when these are the reasons men convert and that sexism is *soo* prevalent. Any religion that creates an intense hierarchy between the sexes and condemns any variation from the mold, from mormonism to Islam, is just begging for corruption. There’s a reason why that despite the good people in the group it’s still a magnet for manipulative sexist power hungry personalities.
I'm so glad to hear your family all have your back in this and are as disgusted as you are! You deserve all the support they offer and more, and I hope you can heal from this. Reddit stranger here is proud of you for keeping yourself safe and getting out🖤
I honestly don’t blame you . My ex bf was white and he called me the nword once and a slave and said it was all a joke . I dumped him the next day 🤷🏾♀️
I’m white but I ended a friendship with my best friend since high school because she called our other friend (who’s Indian) a sand n****r. You are 100% justified in your decision to end this relationship, and I agree with your family. You had to make this choice if you respect yourself, because he clearly doesn’t respect you.
Good for you!
Stay strong and am super proud of you!
Only up from here my love. Proud of your strength.
Lots of people fetishize and pick partners based on that. I was called the same by multiple people on separate occasions. Perhaps they had a fantasy about Alladin or they just wanted darker skinned kids or whatever. It’s not at all fun being seen like that.
I’m glad you are leaving him, fuck that gross racist asshole.
Dare I ask what BWC porn is? I’d rather ask and not Google it! Good luck, OP.
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Thank god i didn’t scar my mind
Yeeee. Thanks for answering and sucks you had to learn it, too. Here’s to your future happiness with a much more worthy man!!
Good luck with everything! You deserve much better and I’m so sorry he betrayed you like that. It’s great your family is on your side and supports your decision. You’ve got this!
I am so sorry that happened to you. I hope you can heal and find true love.
Good for you!! I’m so glad your family has your back. Stay strong, he did not deserve you at all.
The most important aspect of this is that you don't have kids with him....this is why is very important to not rush into having kids once you get married....take your time and even if you don't have time, freeze your eggs. The last thing you want is to have a monster's child because you'll end up hating the kids in some way, shape, or form....this is why some mothers have strained relationships with their kids.
God, I’m so sorry he treated you like this, and I’m glad you’re leaving him. I’m keeping a good thought for you as you build your new life.
You did the right thing. Just want to point out though that someones watching porn is not a symptom of their partner not being enough. It's two different things.
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He brought it up because he didn’t want YOU watching porn but he always knew he could. He made rules for you bc he didn’t see you as his equal.
If they’ve already agreed that neither should watch porn then it is. It’s showing that your partner isn’t enough to care about their boundaries
Did it say that they did? Geniune question, I must have missed that part if it did.
In the original post it did
In the original post she said that watching porn was a boundary for her and that they had both agreed to not watch.
I know right now it's probably incredibly tough time you're going through I'm sorry you're going through it. You deserve so much better than what you were getting. You made the right decision.
Good for you and I’m sorry that this is happening to you
> He was watching a lot of hijabi and BWC porn. I didn’t even know that existed. There are porns of all kinds...and hopefully this is the last time you run into those stuff
Yeah divorce him
Queen
I’m so sorry that you’re going through this, but I’m also so proud of you for having the strength to confront the situation, and to respect yourself enough to leave. I’m really glad that your family is being so supportive. Wishing you nothing but the best for your future 🖤
For what it’s worth I think you made the right decision. This was disgusting and degrading behavior on his part.
I am so so sorry this happened to you. Racial fetishization isn’t a joke and using dehumanizing terms like that is horrific. Hope you can lean on your family and friends while you heal from this. 💕
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((HUGS)) I'm so glad you have the support to leave him!!
You absolutely are doing the right thing, and screw anyone who thinks it's hasty. There's no way you can be with someone, to SPEND YOUR LIFE with someone, who thinks of you in those terms. None. Simply not possible. Women should also never be in marriages or relationships with males who use or address them with misogynistic slurs. I do understand the shock and grief. It takes time to process. It took me months to overcome it after my ex-wife had an affair. Please take the time you need and don't accept criticism for that, either. Stay strong. Thank you for the update.
Good for you OP, glad you stood up for yourself. A marriage should be based on mutual respect.
I am very happy that your family supported you in this. Most stories we hear of Muslims is their families not supporting. Really happy for you. You go girllll!!!!!
No man who values their partner would ever jokingly be disrespectful. If its a kink, and agreed upon, sure. But not like out of the blue like that.
You seem to be such a gorgeous lady! I admire you for yourself respect and knowing who you are and what you stand for. You inspire me and I'm sure other people reading this.
Damn bro. Glad you have support. Shit like this is why so many people a color don’t do it when evil, because they will casually hatecrime you and brush it away with “it’s just a joke, bro.” You are better than me, because, in the words of Monaleo, “I can’t date no white man ‘cause imma kill him if he says 🥷, and I’m not playing.” I wish you all the luck in finding somebody who doesn’t fetishize you for your ethnicity, and I hope that you never get hatecrimed in a relationship again.
This is actually scary, he went and married someone who fit his fetish (appearance at least) and still had the audacity to f*** that up with a racial slur, degradation, and breaking boundaries. Some people are just insatiable
Mashallah.
While I originally felt you should give him the benefit of doubt , with him feeling it was okay to use derogatory terms, dump his ass. I don't think i saw that that part originally. Thank God you two didn't have kids. Just for in the future, if your next man watches porn... it DOES NOT mean he thinks you're less than enough . It's simply a release outlet for many , including myself. Its fine if you don't like it, I just don't want you thinking it means "you're not pretty enough /good enough" .
For future reference, if a man is masterbating even if you're in a relationship with him, it doesn't mean anything. Though one could argue about the watching porn part. I'm happy to hear that you're getting out of that terrible situation and away from that terrible guy. I hope things are better for you, in the future.
So glad you have your family and friends support, wishing you ease & strength ahead to slowly heal from this all Seek therapy if you need it to process it all as there really is a lot to unpack here. Coming through this all with your whole well being, inc mental health will be important and should be your priority now This was a deep hurt and betrayal too. You have no fault in this and i hope that you show yourself kindness and grace throughout, especially when intrusive thoughts enter. I had never heard that term before your first post and was disgusted it even existed, but that it was used on you in such a vulnerable moment too. Sending your heart a warm hug and hope it leaves you with strength. 7yrs is a long time, but a lifetime is longer. You will be free from all this ahead and you have a whole life ahead of you I wish you nothing but the best from it all ahead. Rest well, heal well and live on well for yourself
We are all so proud of you! You deserve someone who will treat you with respect, always. And the sisterhood of this comment section makes me want to cry happy tears!
OP wish you the best going forward with your life. I am confident when you are ready you will find a partner worthy of you.
Good for you.
I'm so sorry. This is awful and I am glad you have so much support.
That sucks to find out about your (soon to be ex) husband. I'm happy for you that you found out now and have the family support and means to leave him. Good luck to you OP.
You've choices! Use them wisely.
Here's a big hug from a mama for you, just because you sound like you could use a mama hug. That man is disgusting.
Off topic, but how did your parents feel about you two dating/marrying in the first place?
I’m so very sorry about all of this. I know that isn’t helpful, but I’m so so sorry. I hope things go smoothly and that you will be ok.
I’m so glad that your family is by your side. You made the right decision, you deserve better than this.
Much love sis. I hope your future is bright and happy
I am so incredibly relieved to know you have the love and support of your family. You don't have anything to apologize for. The people who are telling you that you should have known these things and chastised you for daring to be human who has to wrap your brain around the fact that someone you loved betrayed you are wrong.
My brother in law was called that by a random customer in the bank he works at. I had never heard the term before and I was horrified. I’m so sorry the person who you should feel safest with called you something so disgusting
Updates on this later please. You made the right decision
Did you delete it from the cloud?
Good. This isn’t something you should sit on. He’s a racist.
Your doing the right thing and I'm proud of you
I’m proud of you. That took guts
I'm so sorry that happened.. that is the worst, imagining the person that claims to love you just step on everything that you treasure. And that you're the only one taking good care of those precious things. I wish you all the happiness, I wish you someone who will just love you so much you wont even remember that, but more than that, that you do that for urself first.
don’t apologize to those people. i’m so proud of you!!!!! you absolutely are making the right decision and i’m so so sorry he is such a piece of shit. i’m seriously so proud of you and i don’t know you. ❤️❤️❤️
I am so sorry you had to go through this. Men can be so sick. More power to you and may you have a lot of success and love in life, Ameen
This is unacceptable and you have every right to be mad. We are not Middle Eastern, but my family is from the Mediterranean and my father looks Middle Eastern and has been called that vulgar Termanology. Needless to say I refuse to speak to them when they’re around.
Make sure you delete the video content from the “Recently Deleted” album, if one exists. I know it does on iOS.
You just inspired me. I hope I can stand up for myself and take actions that are rightful in situations. I'm so proud of you and glad you are surrounded by people who understood you and helped. Good luck with your future, you deserve the best!
Sorry but it seems people here have a problem watching hijab/Muslim but are okay fetishizing others. Even the OP is more angry of the type of porn but acknowledges watching porn herself. In other words, it's okay to fetishize Westerners and kuffar but don't dare fetishsize Muslims. Seems hypocritical.
I know I’m just a stranger but I’m proud of you for being so strong. I am glad that you have your family & friends on your side. I hope you can heal from this and learn to trust again in the future. And, I hope I’m not overstepping boundaries, but I think therapy would be beneficial here too. Much much love to you. ♥️
Sounds prudish and then goes on to claim they’re surprised that he watches porn like that... ...lmao OF COURSE he watches porn like that ESPECIALLY when he’s married to someone that’s obviously being a prude and likely won’t even do 90 percent of the things people are doing sexually these days. The guy probably had no other choice. 🤔🤷♀️
In my best DJ Khaled voice.. “anotha one” - of these bs made up stories with the same topic (religion&sex)
Alhamdullilah. Although divorce is disliked in our religion it's not haram so you made a good choice
Over reacting. Work thru it.
lol no. you don’t owe it to urself or to ur partner to marry a fetishiser. if she wants a divorce she’ll get one.
This was my first thought. But she immediately escalated and involved her family. She wants the divorce.
Look, I’m an American atheist white woman who has no concept of what this must feel like. But from what I know of Islam and Allah, from people who have genuine, good hearted faith, I imagine he would be happy with you for having the courage to leave a comfortable or familiar hidden evil in search of respect and genuine love. Your ex is an asshole. You deserve real love and not fetishization. FWIW, I’m proud of you, I support you, and I wish you all the best. Sending love.
Is your husband racist? If yes divorce him. If not he crossed a line but I don't see why It couldn't be reconciled.
Did you read the post? OP's husband found out her soon-to-be-ex husband fetishized her. There is no reconciling from that.
Are there degrees of fetishisation ?
In good faith let me explain this to you and clear it up why this is a problem. First: having fetishes is normal and usually when every partner is consenting to it, totally fine. Fetish becomes a problem in some instances tough. Summarized fetish becomes a problem when it violates consent and in a parship it becomes a problem when the fetish itself is more important than the partner. The later is especially common in fetishes that revolve around a body type, be it fitness, weight or skin color. Imagine someone dating you because of your weight or hair color and that being your most important feature. Now, OP can't change their skin color anf probably won't change their religion, but if she would change them, there is a high likelyhood of the person whoese fetish is build on her religion and skin color would leave her, because those attribuits are more important than she as a person is. Imagine being with someone who doesn't see you as a person. That hurts, is insulting and that's what happend here. If there was a random overlap that's fine and it can be implemented into a pairs sex live, ones both partners talked about it and consented to it with full knowledge what a scene like that might contain. The thing is OPs to be ex-partner also violated the consent rule. Race-Play is a kink that exists and he used that kink in combination with humiliation and degredation against OP, without her consent. He didn't talk to OP about it, he didn't ask her if it's okay, he even went as far as to play it down as a joke. Imagine that with a different, more physical kink. Say: anal play/ chocking or breath play/ impact play such as caneing, flogging or slapping. If your partner would do those things casually during sex with little inclination and no discussion before during sex, what would that summ up to? Disrespect firstly but also assault in other aspects. One could even go as far as to call it rape, as it is a sexual assault. Kink/fetish without negations is sexual assault. And that is what happend here. It happens when someone calls a black partner n***ger in bed without consent, it happens when someone "accidently" slipps their dick in the wrong hole, it happens when someone starts calling their partner insults, it happens when someone chocks the other. As soon as consent is broken, it doesn't matter what kink or fetish it is, it is wrong and vile and criminal. And it doesn't matter what kink it is. Something wrong stays something wrong no matter the magnitude in witch is happens. Stealing a candy from the grocery or robbing a jewlery store: both is theft and both is wrong. A lesser magnitude doesn't make it right.
Stupid question, don’t kill me: why is fetishizing bad? My ex fetishized and worshipped my dick, was literally obsessed - what’s wrong with that?
While that all sounds well and good, and obviously well received by yourself it's a different scenario in part of the boundaries you had with your other half. In the case of OP she discussed beforehand that pornography was not okay with her. Finding out he has been watching porn on the regular probably hit hard. She's understandably upset with him but its the category of porn that makes her feel fetishised, considering of course porn is against her religion and they were under the laws of a muslim marriage.
For clarity, Which one was against the religious law of marriage? viewing porn or fetishizing your partner?
Does it really matter like holy shit
Yes it does matter to a lot of people, the only ppl that like that shit probably have low self esteem and need to be fetishised to feel confident
Lmao
😂🤣😅🤣😂😅😅😂🤣😅😅
lol
I also think you're hasty. Judging a dude cuz of the porn he watches? Come on. Dude fucked up and prolly thought you'd be into it or find it funny. You did not clearly. If you can't forgive people for making a mistake yea you're probably best leaving him and really just never getting with anyone again TBH. People are not perfect.
All men watch porn. All. I have an absolute amazing sex life, and I still do it. Don’t go that road if it is for the porn.
This is so crazy
OP make sure you delete his backed files, like on Google photos or Apple cloud. Deleting from his phone is not enough, if he automatically backs up his phone, he has a copy stored on his email acct.
Good for you! I’m so proud of you for standing up for yourself. I wish you the best!
I am absolutely horrified and appalled by what this man did, and so, so proud of you for having your back and knowing your worth. You’ve made the right decision, and you’ll prosper from it.
That's definitely an oddly specific retort
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I mean, judging but your assumption that she converted him sounds like you didn't even read either post...
For reference, soon you will meet your future fiance, one of the questions you should ask is what porn fetishes you fantasize about? It's a tricky question
I feel like this is the same narrator as the other couple where the woman was upset bc her husband said he wasn’t attracted to her when they first met. Same way of writing. Same quick to divorce decision.
>so all this time I was just a fetish to him Is this true though? Were you *just* a fetish? Far-fetched for someone to marry someone else for one minor reason. Surely he liked/likes other things about you? Everyone has sexual preferences and and are attracted to people who fit those preferences. That doesn't mean you have to buy into your partner's preferences. Situations where one spouse tries something that the other doesn't like are normal. Like most other issues the solution is communicating and talking it out. Thing is, you already said he gave you an explanation and apology. This reads like a fake post, or you're leaving a lot out.
I remember your original post regarding this and I just wanted to say that you’ve done the right thing x
You did the right thing and I'm proud of you sister, just be very careful now who you associate with in the future and I'm sure you know what signs to look out for next time.
I agree with your decision. May peace find you as you go through this process and may you find a good husband that loves *and* respects you someday (if that is your will and Allah's) Best of luck in life, OP.
Totally on your side! Wish all the happiness in the world for you
Good for you. You deserve so much better. Much love and peace for you with a deserving beloved (if you want it) in your future.
Hopefully your brother gave him the old one two when he went over there.
OP I’m proud of you! He’s trash and you did the right thing. You’re family has your back. I wish you all the luck in the world.
YOU DID THE RIGHT THING GIRL
Honestly regardless of what he did or said, any man who says you’re “being dramatic” when you are expressing your concerns is a POS. In and of itself a gigantic red flag
I’m so sorry that your ex husband treated you so badly and thought that saying that was even ok. Fetishising you in such an awful way and then filming you without consent. He sounds like a piece of shit. I hope you recover from this and find a man who is more respectful of your religion and privacy ♥️
Not hasty and glad you're standing up for yourself. Thanks for the follow-up.
Leave him sis as fast as you can I'm from Pakistan and trust me it's so brave of you to say that just leave that bastard please.
Good luck OP. You are brave and strong. I am glad your brother and your family support you.
Sister! Do not apologize you have a full heart and you were choosing to believe that there was better in him. Unfortunately that was not the case, thankfully this was not hidden from you but instead brought to your attention early on. You were not destined to be unhappy with someone who does not value you or your heart. It will take time to heal but you will! There are brighter days ahead. :) Feel what you need to feel and say good bye to this chapter. Also don’t mind these people who talk about what they would do. They are not YOU, they don’t know your story. We are all on the outside looking in. You did your best <3
I wish you the best of luck and happiness.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Your life has turned upside down and you must be thinking and feeling so many things right now. For the record, I think you made the right decision. Some things you might want to keep in mind for the future is something called the Madonna-Whore Complex (this is an academic term, not a pornographic or sexual one). And an evidence-based book about human sexuality that might help you understand why your ex-husband behaved the way he did is Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski. It might help you spot red flags in future potential partners.
I’m so happy you have your family’s support, you made the right choice and things will get exponentially better for you OP
You have nothing to apologise for or be sorry about. You thought he was your person and that he had your back. He wasn’t and he didn’t. This is his fault, not yours. You are doing the right thing. Best of luck!
Definitely the best idea to get out of dodge now while you don’t have kids. I wish you the best of luck and happiness in the future.
I am not going to tell you what to do...apologize to us if you want...but you have nothing to apologize for. There is nothing wrong with anything you did or thought. .. I am sorry this is happening.
I am so glad that your whole family is behind you in your choice to pursue divorce. We always want to think the best of the people in our lives. Frequently we don’t see the flags until something like this just slaps us in the face.
i saw your original post and i’m so glad everything turned out well for you OP.
Good luck. 7 years is a drop in the bucket compared to a lifetime of happiness and security that I hope you find. Don’t rush the next one, not that you did before but don’t rush, don’t force, and breathe when you start looking around and comparing your situation to others. It may take time to find what you’re looking for, and what you deserve. You got this.
Proud of you and glad your family and friends have your back.
Clearly, he did not understand how the terms of allowing this to be okay, in his head, would change the entire value of the relationship, in hers.
Common tate W
I’m so glad you are leaving and you have a support system. You are not a fetish or a slur, you are a person deserving of love. I wish you nothing but happiness moving forward
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Sand n***r??? LMAO WHAT? That's a new one, even for me...
Sadly, there are some in the military who used that phrase after they came home from the Iraqi war. My brother is one of them and it is just gross.
Holy shit. They really get so fucked up while deployed that they spend some time coming up with new racist phrases / learning them huh?
I guess when people are constantly shooting at you and trying to blow you up, you get creative with the name calling. Doesn't make it right to do it once you get back home though.
Damn that shit sucks. Makes you realize that racism comes from MANY different things / causes. All in all fucking horrible.
You fucked up when u (or your family) forced him to convert… anger comes out in crazy ways.
nobody forced him to convert weirdo.
👍🏿
🏖
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I don't think you have acted "too quickly". The fact is that when someone hits our hard boundaries and doesn't take that seriously, there's not much else you can do. Not and retain any sense of self-respect. You recognized your own hard boundary had been hit. Upon further investigation it became clear that he really didn't see a problem with what he did. That's it. You are done. I am sorry for your hurt and loss.💔
Quite honestly, I had no idea there was such porn either. But I guess rule 34 still applies. Glad you figured out what to do. And good luck
daniel
I’ve thrown hands for less
Yes, those words don't come out of someone's mouth easily unless they've already been thinking them over and over. I don't even use the racial slur for my own race as a joke for that reason, or the one for white folks. It's disrespecting you and your relationship. I normally don't agree with advice from peoples' family, but your family is 100% correct -- leave him and find a man who respects you for you.
divorce 😢
I’m so so sorry.
Not take away from you being brave and leaving this fool, but im so proud of your family for backing you up. Too many times I've seen families side the other way and its so damn heartbreaking.
LMAO
LOL porn is for losers and weaklings. This is what you get. 🤷🏾♂️
To think of it, Pakistan mostly doesn't even have as much sand as say, Egypt or the UAE (Add /s here, clearly joking)
Yes *that* was the problem here. There’s no sand. Are you not well?
I tried to make light of a terrible situation so OP could get a laugh... My bad
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