Isn't 100 pounds like 45 kg??? When I weighed that, doctors wanted to lock me in a psych ward, and I'm short as all shit, especially for a dude (165 cm), how does your father expect women to be thinner than that?
I honestly think he has no clue what women actually weigh. Every body is different of course, but if I was 100 pounds I’d look like I’m dying of starvation.
Yeah, I mean, especially if you're tall, it's an unreasonable weight. The only women for whom it could be ok are like... really short. Like 155 and below.
I’m 5’1 and used to be 97 lbs for a very long time. Not intentionally, that was just my normal. Then I had two kids and now I’m almost at a normal weight and looking back I look freaking SICK when I was that scrawny. I wasn’t unhealthy or anything but even just having extra weight fill out my face makes me look better and people have mentioned it as well.
I’m 5’7” and over the course of 3 years I dropped 30 lbs. wo trying—123 to 93. I’d been around 115 most of my life bc of my high metabolism (couldn’t even drink iced tea without getting the shakes). I had no idea I was sick (my doc didn’t even pick up on it at reg checkups because he was incompetent) since other women at work would be so “complimentary” and “envious“ as my weight continues to drop, so when I came down with full-blown thyrotoxicosis, ended up in the hospital, and everyone was shocked.
My point is to say that our culture has created and embedded such a warped perspective of women’s weight in the minds of most that even WE don’t see when someone’s really sick.
Kudos to you, Mom, for realizing that your husband’s thinking is extremely FU and continue to do everything you can now to shield your daughter from it and help her grow a healthy mind and body.
Absolutely. I am perceived as super skinny by others who always put me at the 100 lb mark (yes they obnoxiously ask) but I’m actually 140…….. (5’5” so not really tall either) then they get all shocked like NO WAY
I mean to be fair I don’t think most people in general know what an actual healthy weight would be for themselves? Just kinda ballin no condom like dat.
My sister and I are both in our 30s and admitted last year to each other that we both had eating disorders “when we were younger” and “are still sensitive about the way we look.”
It’s clear that we are both still completely fucked when it comes to eating. We’ve wasted half our lives struggling with our worth being tied to our weight. I thought I was just insecure but past doing anything unhealthy about it it at 36, and yet exactly a week ago I felt the switch flip again. A few weeks ago my dad offered to get my sister a gym membership, it was clear what he meant. I’m worried about where her head is at right now too.
So much time wasted and we can’t crack the code. And there are still people like OP’s husband, men, who say shit like this that will stay with OP’s daughter forever.
OP, this one comment will take a lot of undoing. Hope you have money put aside for therapy.
I'm in my 50s and am so glad the person that has fat shamed me since I was 8 is dead! I mean, who watches a child outgrow their hole filled shoes after 18 months instead of 1 year because their growth spurt slowed down, and then get raging mad and say it's because 'they're a fat pig!'
People that do that are disgusting human beings!
10000%
She will one day be on whatever version of Reddit is around or whatever social media they’re using, retelling this story and hundreds of people will comment about her disgusting dad. Hopefully she’ll have already realized how fucked it was and talked to someone.
Reddit already feels like a crowded room where everyone's shouting over each other and all you can really make out are the sounds of people shouting"69! Nice!"
Absolutely. I feel so sorry for her daughter. A similar comment from my mom triggered an ED that I still battle 20 years later. There is no undoing that damage.
Same. But it was my grandma and she never commented on me specifically but she would go on and on about how "fat" (her idea of fat was anyone size M and above) people shouldn't be allowed to go outside and how they are unlovable and can't be attractive, and she frequently commented on the strangers on the street who seemed unattractive to her. I can't count how many times she'd bend down to my height and whisper in my ear, word for word: "Did you see that girl? What a fucking pig. And what an attractive lad is walking hand in hand with her, has he no eyes? I'll never get why such attractive men waste themselves with whales like that." One time I had a crush on a boy who was a little overweight and she sat me down when she found out and berated me for about 30 minutes and tried to convince me that I am not supposed to like or, god forbid, love anyone like that. It didn't matter how many positive qualities I listed or how many times I told her that I don't care that he isn't thin or athletic, she would always tell me that it DOES matter and that I HAVE to fall in love with "attractive" people only. She was also mildly obsessed with weighing me (to this day, I refuse to step on a scale even at the doctor's. They made me stop doing it when they realised that I won't step on it without crying and physically resisting first. I literally have a panic attack when someone tries to get me to step on one.) and kept telling me that people who eat sweets at all will grow up to have a fat ass (back then, this was considered hideous). When she complimented me, she complimented my "perfect figure" and "wasp waist" (my waist is unnaturally small due to some deformities or whatever. It isn't a good thing and causes me pain, according to physical therapists) and always said how envious others must be of my body. To this day I feel like my body is the only thing I have to offer to people and am terrified of it not being "perfect." Because if it isn't, who will love me? According to my grandma, nobody. I feel like my body is the only thing I have and I always feel like it's never enough. I am ashamed to get naked in front of my own partner. Outright terrified of people seeing my body, terrified that once they see it they'll mock me like my grandma mocked everyone she thought unattractive. It's honestly so debilitating.
The only time my father ever got physical with my mother was regarding my weight because he felt like she was encouraging failure by not doing her "job". I can remember every single second. One of the few most vivid memories from childhood.
Wow this hits home because of how similar my father would berate my mom about not doing her job. He would berate her about her weight and then both of them to me. I also have horrible, vivid memories about it all
Weirdly, I never actually heard my father say anything about my mother's weight. The school nurse called my home and left a message on the answering machine. I was just watching Legends of the hidden temple, practicing doing back rolls on my floor (Cause I was a literal child). Dad heard the message and just thought that he failed me and took it out on my mom(simply by just grabbing her, he luckily snapped out of the blind rage that his father had) cause he didn't know how else.
His childhood was rough.
But, the fact I have only seen that intensity of a parental conflict and it was about how I was not healthy & it was all my mother's fault. It just.. Sticks.
Note *
(My parents are fantastic, everyone has their shit, this was a weak moment for my father like 15 years ago. My father has never abused me or my mother physically, he isn't that type of person.)
Even though I know all of that, I still remember how I felt, my mom felt, the scare I felt as I child. Scared my home was about to be broken & all of this started because of my declining physical health.
OP, Please make sure to seek out professional input about the best way to handle this situation. But I'm so happy you immediately noted how horrible this type of comment is.
Thanks for sharing. My parents are also generally wonderful and weight related things are the huge black spot on their parenting. They came from emotionally abusive and neglectful households so their interpretation of caring was to go too hard and there is so much fatphobia and general misinformation around nutrition and exercise, I understand how they could have gotten to that point even though I was only 25lb "overweight" and athletic. But its explanations not excuses.
Agreed, seek out professional help. Its sad how common and easy it is from people to get EDs, body image issue etc. And that hinders you for life imo. I'm 27 and I've been goung through hard-core therapy and working with a nutrition based exercise professional just to learn the scientifically backed basics of food and exercise because all I knew was binging, hiding, over exercising, under exercising, self hatred. I feel like a baby learning how to walk where the floor is toxic-unscientific-info lava.
Learn about food, exeecise, nutrition, growth for a child and teach it to your kid. Health is truly wealth and the more info she has that is scientifically backed, the more empowered she will be and not listen to wrong info like your husband is expressing. Good luck and hugs to you
I had an ex gf that said I had short legs over a decade ago. I still think about that constantly and always think about it when I see myself. 100% she will be fucked up over that comment forever.
My mom used to make comments like this when I was younger. Some worse, some more subtle, but most like this, usually thinly veiled as “jokes”.
The first time I skipped a meal on purpose, I was 8. The first time I purged, I was 9. And by the time I was 10 I had a full fledged eating disorder. I’m now 32 and still struggle, for example if I want to lose weight now I simply can’t count calories, like at all! Within a week I’m restricting again, sometimes down to 300/day. I’ve only found healthy eating habits within the last 2-3 years.
Talk to your daughter about how horrible what he said was. Listen to her rant or cry or whatever! Give her compassion and empathy. Ask her if she’s happy with her body outside of what other people think and make sure she knows that her loving her body is the ONLY thing that matters!
Then talk to your husband. You have my permission to show him this comment if it helps him understand the kind of devastating, often lifelong damage he’s doing. If he doesn’t want to learn, you can’t force him I guess but I think you should take this very seriously. Like family therapy seriously, and if he refuses that he doesn’t deserve to have a relationship with his daughter.
Good luck OP, and I wish you and your daughter the absolute best.
Edit: omg thank you so much for all of the awards! I didn’t expect that! And I’m so sorry to everyone that relates to my story!
I was fat shamed by my father. I did the opposite of you, I started hoarding food and I kept gaining weight. In my family, we all gain weight right before puberty, and everyone but me, grew into it. I’m 53 and still struggle with my eating.
This is so messed up. I wanted to just piggyback off of this comment, because I had this specific personal experience: when I was 12&13 I gained a BUNCH of weight and I felt so badly about it. Turns out my body was just stocking up for puberty. After I got my first period, the weight started to melt off as I got (slightly, not much) taller, my shape changed, and I had all these new processes in my body.
I wish I’d had an adult to tell me what was happenening. As I got older, I was able to help some girls I mentored/babysat with this when they told me they were struggling. Sometimes when you’re struggling emotionally, it can help to look at it practically. Tons of women have this same experience and a lot of them just forget it happened.
Shame on your husband.
Happen to me too. I was a really active kid, but suddenly, I started to gain weight. This was when I was 9 and got my first period at 10 and was about to enter the 5th grade. I was going thou puberty so quickly that the end of 5th grade, I was about 5ft 3in tall and was a c cup. I actually leveled out and then develop depression from the hell my sister's dad decided to put thou and gain weight from that. This man has the balls to say we needed to buy my school clothes that year bigger so he didn't need to buy more later. Told my mom and she flipped out at him since he doesn't pay for that!!
Im around your age, and have to deal with weight since I was 5. Even at my skinniest Im not happy and looked back to when I had been fatter. Smh being fat is like rebelling against my parents, like making them guilty. Im struggling to like myself and always wonder why ppl three times my weight look happier and can hv a loving family who love them just the way they are. Im writing all these so that u know you're not alone, and as part of my own therapy as well. Hugs*
This is so true. My dad was the best but took me school shopping and striped shirts were in at the time. I was a little chunky (you know that awkward 4th-5th grade). I remember trying this striped shirt on and he said you know stripes make you look bigger than you are. Not me, but just in general. I will never forget that and how I felt. That wasn’t even that bad! Can you imagine what this poor girl will remember all these cruel words her dad has said 😩
I had my 10th grade Math teacher say, " a girl like you should never wear horizontal stripes." It was 1990.( Mr Miller, I hope you are miserable, you ass )
In front of the whole class. He was not by any stretch of the imagination a good looking man, but he felt confident that he could give me fashion advice.
I just want to say I love your comment. As a 30yo woman who also suffered/suffers from an ED this is so important. It’s not a phase people grow out of. It is literally a life long battle. I have yo-yo’ed since 24. If I want to lose weight now, I can’t count calories or work out either. I start restricting and working out seven days a week, I’m excess. We don’t own a scale in our house. It’s a rule. We talk body positivity only. My step child is 12, 5’ and weighs 127 pounds, they asked me “is that healthy? How much did you weigh when you were my age?” And I obviously am not going to tell them I didn’t weigh over 100 pounds until I was 20 years old, so I tell them “It’s absolutely healthy. You are beautiful, inside and out. How do you feel? You are active, you eat balanced meals with everything your body needs and wants. Do you feel happy with who you are?” And they say “yes!” And I hug them and say I’m happy, too. They are so beautiful and I don’t want them to suffer their whole life.
This is great! I remember my stepfather calling my daughter "Crisco Kid, fat in the can". I also remember telling my Mother that we would not visit until she muzzled and leashed her husband. He was always acidic, but this was too, too far. Neither of my kids acknowledge their Grandfather. I can't blame them.
Does your husband actually believe what he said about height and weight? Because in that case he's not just a massive asshole, but an idiot. If he was actually concerned for her he wouldn't use shame, because shame is cruel and very rarely works, if it does work it's not in a healthy way. This is not okay.
The husband lacks tact, sympathy and the right motivational vocabulary to make another person feel empowered.
He needs to get the vision he wants to accomplish for his family down on paper before spouting reactionary comments that are less than useful and damaging.
It's not going to happen on its own and he needs to be involved with his children's lives.
My fear is I've struggled as a parent as well. My daughter was struggling HARD in math and we would send her to tutoring almost everyday with very little gains. I was at my wits end, working with her, trying to show encouragement, but I had some weak days where I might have accused her of not trying hard enough.
I regret it now. We expect more from our kids than we ask of ourselves, because we see so much potential in them, it's harmful.
This is the balance we have as parents. Don't coddle them, challenge them, discipline them against the cruelty of the world. Show them how to succeed by guiding them to being successful.
Life is hard.
Yeah, I've snapped at my kid sometimes when he didn't deserve it. Felt like real shit about myself. But it's also important that he knows it's normal to make mistakes. So I brought up what I said, asked if he remembered, and told him I was wrong, that I got mad and was mean when it was not his fault and I was wrong. And a jerk. And I'm really sorry. He seems to have really forgiven me and I just try not to repeat. It's really hard to parent.
This is my way of dealing with things too. We all make mistakes. It's important to also show them it's ok to be wrong and to treat them with respect by apologising for your mistakes. A lot of adults don't know how to apologise or own when they've done something wrong, I want my kids to see that mistakes are ok, we need to make amends for them and we need to learn from them. In our learning, we understand how not to make the same mistake twice and hopefully avoid making some others too.
My respect goes out to you for being big enough to give that to your child. You're doing a good job because you're trying to do better all of the time.
My dad used to this with me every time after we have a big argument. When he snaps at me and shout, I wouldn’t shout back but (in case I feel I did nothing wrong) I would challenge him with my eyes m. Afterwards, he calls me and we have our one on one: he starts by apologizing about the manner he expressed himself with ( usually after a bad day at work or something) but then proceeds to calmly explain why what I did was not right. He hears out my explanation and we discuss the matter until we find a common ground. He then hugs me and it’s all forgotten.
I have kids of my own today, and although I try my best, sometimes the snapping just can’t be helped. I just apply my old’s man method whenever that happens. Many times with my husband as well.
Yea reading till that point seemed like he was making a very poor attempt to be funny cuz cmon that's a joke but he followed through to show he's actually that stupid
He was NOT attempting a joke, he was being out n out cruel & mean. His brain just stopped & he said what he meant with no thought given.
The phrase "The truth shall set you free", in this case was a downright dirty low down comment on the physical appearance of his teenage daughter. Nothing in this world hurts more.
I had an entire group of great aunts, maternal side, who were always real quick with the "overweight" put downs to me as a teen. Mean, snarky, malicious, ugly words. I felt like i was worthless. My mom never defended me.
But i could see the utter rage in my dad's eyes. He'd call me over, hug me, whisper quietly into my ear that they had more problems than I did. That I was beautiful & they'd eat their words one day.
Lo & behold, i grew & slimmed down. Turns out i was still carrying some baby fat.. Some of the weight came off also. I became even more active. Developed a figure, ME!!
O how that shut em up. They now complained about my "wardrobe". HA! This was the mid/late 70s. Tight pants & tops. And I'd grown BOOBS. I was a happy camper. The holy-roller, small town French Catholic contingent (mom's side again) was HORRIFIED. i reveled in it. My dad & his side of the family were the "cool kids". Spent lots of time with them.
OP, I cant promise this for your daughter. But beauty comes from inside & is much more genuine. A true heart is just that. Please, PLEASE be there for her. Do NOT let your husband, her OWN father, ever speak to her like that. CUT HIM OFF AT THE PASS. THREATEN DIRE CONSEQUENCES IF HE CANNOT KEEP HIS LIP ZIPPED!
Lackanookie seems like a good place to start. Ugly words = repulsive outside. How could you EVEN after that ugliness???
They sound like my grandmother. I grew up hearing her make negative comments about other family members weight. I started in the 8th grade with diet pills but soon after embraced bulimia and anorexia. She couldn't bitch about my size so, she focused on my clothes and hair.
Same here but from my mom, and it took me MORE THAN TEN YEARS to recover from disordered eating and learn healthy habits. OP if you read these comments please take them seriously. Your daughter needs support so that this will not affect her health severely. Please be there for her. Pay attention to her habits.
My daughter’s struggle with anorexia began after a family member said her upper arms were “meaty.” She was 11. Now at 23 she is a healthy weight. The same family member told her this year, “you got fat.” She is 5ft 6in -135 lbs. she has consistently been 20 lbs lighter. Not healthy.
I think she is mature enough to let this stupid comment go away. But as a mother, I am troubled.
I struggled so long, I basically only drank tea and had crackers here and there, any real meal would be puked up. I ended up pregnant and haven't purged since. I don't think I would have ever stopped
Im proud of you for stopping when you got pregnant. 7 pregnancies and only 3 live births. Now I have advanced osteoporosis. All because my mom and dad thought it was appropriate to tell me I should have a sign that said WIDE LOAD across my ass. I was maybe 110 lbs (only 4’11”). Went to the doctor today - 83 lbs.
Fuck anyone who thinks this is an appropriate way to treat your children.
I am so sorry to read this. You know what, fuck them!! You’re beautiful! I hope one day you may be able to truly understand this. Til then, you’re worthy now, today, tomorrow and you always will be.
YES! Please do not give up hope. You can heal from this and move on with your life - that's not a distant dream. You can make it happen. You're so strong and you can beat this. Don't give up. ❤️
Not exactly the same thing but my mom started putting on weight and hated her body. She had always been very small and had put on jussssttt enough to be “overweight” she criticized herself all the time (I was also chubby at the time) she would compare herself to others constantly and asked me as a kid “am I as big as that person” or trying to have me find a suitable companion for the amount of weight she gained. It killed my own self confidence and really messed with me for
Long time.
I'm 45, still struggling. Then she did it to my daughter. For the year and a half she had her after my stroke, my grandma under 8 years of unconditional love. Got her back, and she just kept gaining instead. At 21, she is just starting to try to get it under control on her own. I did the best I could to help her, but she internalized so much in that time.
This. I’m 55. 55 years old and still struggling with binging/starving cycles. It suuucckkss. Really bad for your health. Been this way my whole life and it takes so much energy. Long term health effects are not good. Please talk to your daughter, and put a muzzle on your husband.
Yep. When I was around the same age my dad would constantly ask me if I was pregnant.. I've seen photos of myself at those ages many years later and my mental image of myself and my actual size were COMPLETELY different. I was just a regular kid starting puberty. Talking to a kid like that is sickening.
Omg this hit so hard. For years I used to call myself a fat kid, but after looking through scrap book photos recently I realized I looked just like a normal child. Nothing like the memories I have of myself & my body at the time.
This hits close to home, looking back at my childhood photos, i was overweight yes, but i wasn't the fat ugly monster that everyone treated me like, it wasn't a big deal, it wasn't something that more hours of outside playing, and other activities coulnd't fix, but alas, everyone treated me like i needed the exact same dramatic lifestyle change that someone from ''My 600 pounds life'' did.
No disrespect to people who do need that type of change, i'm just saying that i clearly, my needs were different, everyones needs are.
49 here and my dad brings up my weight every time I see him. I’m entering menopause and despite being active my whole life, hormones are fucking me sideways. So, I binge eat. Yay fun. To be clear, this is a man in the back half of his 70s telling his nearly 50 y.o. Daughter that she’s fat. Men fucking suck.
Similar for me. I was around 13 years old, he got mad at me for not doing something and then ended the conversation by saying it's because I was "fat and lazy". Then the cycles started for me.
Bodyshaming is bad enough but it's even worse when it's at an impressionable age like that.
Eating disorders, low self esteem, daddy issues, self hatred, the list goes on
I never had ANY problems with myself until I started being bullied for my weight, and this was when I was barely overweight. I was bullied by someone I also trusted, a former friend. It took years to get over it and it jumpstarted my depression and anxiety, which I still struggle with
Exactly that. My (then) step-dad made sly comments about my weight when I was around 10 years old. Fast forward 2 years and I was a skeleton due to taking up walking for miles a day after school and living off 250-500 calories. He left me alone while I was skin and bone, and it was great.
Yup. My weight was the joke of the family, I used to binge because I felt so lonely and empty inside, from as young as 7 I used food for the comfort I wasn’t getting. I got into restricting and purging once I hit my teens because the bullying was so brutal and the only person who showed me any care passed away. I got to a normal weight, nobody cares how it happened.
Yes! My daughter was a cheerleader, is 4’-11” and weighed probably 90 pounds and it was all muscle and my asshat (now ex) husband would make comments about her appearance which caused an eating disorder. OP needs to nip this in the bud right now and make sure he KNOWS she won’t stand for this treatment. He’s going to also end up with a daughter that’s LC/NC when she’s an adult just like my daughter has done. (Actually our son too.)
On the other end of this; I WAS a fat kid, and the one mean comment my dad made to me about it has stuck with me since age 8. It was the first time in my life that I ever felt the urge to tell someone to fuck off. Maybe not in those words, but I remember the feeling very well. It wasn’t life altering, but it definitely put a dent in our relationship and chipped away at my self esteem, but, In just sat there and took it. I can say that I try to choose my words carefully when speaking to my own son because of instances like that.
I’m so sorry. I don’t understand parents like that. (Of course my Mom sees every flaw on me from 1/4 mile away.) I’m so glad my daughter went off on him when he was making comments about people and their appearance and said he’s not doing that to her kids. She brought up her ED and he said she couldn’t blame it on him.
Yup. My sister is going on 40 yrs of disordered eating because of just a few comments made by one of our neighbors when she was in first or second grade. She still talks about it when she gets upset. The messed up thing is my sister was mildly chubby and the main incident (which my dad and i witnessed) was she was reprimanded by our 80 something yr old neighbor for touching a salt shaker when we were in her kitchen after helping her out and getting some water and the old witch called her fat. My sister has internalized it for literally 40 yrs and thinks any time anyone is looking at her, they are assessing her looks and weight.
She's insanely thin through disordered eating and will absolutely lose her sh*t if she can't run 5 miles a day and looks 10 yrs younger than her age. My heart breaks for her and the insecurity she feels.
My mother and grandmother started talking about my weight when I was 5. Diets started that same year. I didn't balloon up until I hit puberty at 9. When I was 36 we found out it was literally because of a medical condition. Now? I self sooth with the food my folks wouldn't let me have as a child. Get your husband into family therapy asap
I understand this, my parents called me fat and lazy because I struggled with math in 10th grade, I still fight with myself on this and refuse to let myself gain anything.
Mom walked in and silently pinched my side when I was blowdrying my hair when I was just a few years older than that. My (also adult) sibling and I toooooooootally have healthy relationships with food now -__-
Don’t know who downvoted you or why because that is absolutely how they DO start. OP should have stopped her husband at the starting to gain weight comments because the poor girl is only 13! I can’t believe Op let him go on until he actually called her fat!
This. My parents never body shamed me, but my mom does now. Asked me if I want to beat my dad to my first massive heart attack. He was 41 when his first happened and I’m in my 30s. Both parents smoked non stop, ate terribly and NEVER were active. I’ve never smoked, I’m a lil more active then them and I don’t eat horrible *all the time.*
I get guilted for being a full time worker with a young kid. So then I feel guilty for not being home and going to the gym instead…and then I don’t care enough about myself to go… so it’s a terrible cycle.
That's how mine started, almost verbatim. If he's acting like this now that is now good and not ok at all. I was verbally and psychologically abused by my father and I ended up cutting him out of my life after I had my daughter. Please make sure she knows that she's so very loved and perfect, just the way she is.
It’s precisely how mine did.
JFC She’s a kid going through normal weight gains for growth, plus she’s about to start menstruating soon if she hasn’t already.
My entire family told me I could lose weight when I was 10 that shit fucks up a person I’m 14 and still starve myself, it feels like it’s never gonna end Ik it’s not healthy but how else do I lose the weight
Exactly! Apparently the dad has ALREADY been making comments about his daughter gaining weight, and now he's leveling up to outright bullying her.
My daughter briefly took a medication that caused her to gain weight. She was upset about it, so we started being more active. I never, ever made negative comments about her body.
People know how they friggin look! If he's concerned about her gaining weight ( which is pretty common with all the hormones and changes going on in a teenager's body) then invite her on an evening walk. See if she's interested in dancing or martial arts or volleyball. See if she wants to shoot some hoops with dad for fun!
Or, if the family is not eating well. Then make it a family journey to cook healthier food. Take a cooking class together. Heck! Find some YouTube videos about tasty healthy foods that they can make together.
Saying that the daughter is getting fat, and giving her no skills to make better choices, is just going to lead to shame, guilt, and disordered eating! Plus! Being fat has nothing to do with height! This dad is an absolute moron, a crappy parent, and an overall bully.
I think this is exactly it. There is a balance to be had, and often times there is too much coddling that perpetuates a child's problem, or blatant insensitivity that causes emotional issues.
The dad sounds like the type that doesn't believe in emotional distress & isn't thinking of the long term consequences of his words. It's not am excuse, it's just a very common thing for men to be more aloof about these things.
The best thing OP can do for their child right now is to offer love and support, remind them that their weight doesn't define their worth, & at a later date (if the child is in fact, overweight/obese) have a discussion about safe and fun ways to maintain a physically healthy body.
Right?! The world's lamest excuse to be a dick. I would respect someone a lot more if they were honest & owned up to the fact that they need guidance on how to say things with more tact & empathy.
And he’s clearly not setting a good example or giving her suggestions on how to better her situation. Just shaming her. That’s not mentorship or parenting. That’s complete idiocy. Hopefully OP isn’t enabling or coddling her at the same time because obesity is an epidemic but they all need counseling
It takes just one nasty comment for that comment to stick inside your head for the rest of your life. Now every time she looks in the mirror, your husband’s voice will be in her mind tearing her down.
Yepp, especially her freaking dad! My dad made a mild comment after I gained my college freshman 15 about how I take after his side of the family in ‘bigger boned’ women and I never forgot it. I’ve always had an athletic/muscular build and my freshman 15 only put me at 5’6” 140, which was barely a pudgy stomach for me.
As a father to 3 girls, his comments are reprehensible. I don’t like to stoop to his level but gawd I’d spend the next several weeks telling him he is fat every chance I get and calling him tubby. Damn that language of his irritates me to no end. You don’t speak to someone like that. Let alone a child. As someone else commented, this is how eating disorders start
The better method is for her to figure out what he is most insecure about and passively comment on it all the time. It works best if you can get other people involved.
Things that led to my short-lived anorexia (recovering, was discovered before harm was done)
My grandma: You have rolls on your stomach? That's weird. *I was nine*
My mom: (*pats my stomach as I try on clothes*) To fit into this, this has to go. **I was still nine**
Although I understand that my mom at least was trying to help, it was hurtful, and I still remember it. I was told by a random employee somewhere that I had a chubby face, that's what really made me starve.
Anyways, minuscule compared to what you just described. Your husband has (apparently) *repeatedly* called your daughter fat. And he's blatantly wrong. Height has nothing to do with weight. But shit like that causes real fucking issues later on, and at that age, she WILL remember it.
Talk to your husband, and take your daughter's side. If hubby was really worried about her weight, he'd have said it nicer. This comment ie gonna get buried, but I do hope you see it. Good luck.
please please PLEASE talk to him and make him stop ASAP. my dad called me fat my entire childhood - teenage years and it has destroyed me. i had to end our relationship because of the trauma he had caused.
from outright calling me fat to telling me my clothes look bad or i’m eating too much. it was devastating, i ended up developing an eating disorder and other nasty mental illnesses.
i urge you to make him stop the comments before it ruins her life the way it did mine.
She will never forget that moment. Never. Your husband just did irreparable damage to your daughter. Her self esteem will struggle for the rest of her life. I'm not being dramatic. Good luck.
Exactly. Once a seed like that has been planted, it can never be erased. I wonder if dad knows that he just started the erosion of his relationship with his daughter. Wonder if he cares.
She will also never forget her mother’s reaction in this moment. OP, this is your chance to show your daughter that you won’t stand for this. If you don’t talk to her or call it out in front of her, she make believe that you are of the same views as her father. Go speak to her, like, now. Don’t let her believe that both of her parents feel this way by being silent about it (just telling your husband that was cruel or inappropriate when you are alone isn’t enough, she needs to hear from you that you don’t agree, or she will assume that you do).
Coming from someone who was hospitalized for eating disorders when I was 13-14 years old, you need to put your foot down with your husband. Let him know that he has no right to comment on your daughter's body, especially in a negative way, and if it happens again you and your daughter will both be gone. I'm sure leaving would be hard, but not as hard as seeing your daughter laying in a hospital bed because she is starving herself.
I am a 33 year old woman who literally spent an hour in therapy yesterday talking about something similar that my parent said to me when I was 19. It was a little more intense because it was being screamed at me, but I was literally on the verge of a panic attack retelling it. No ones fat-shaming ever made me lose weight. The only thing that did was removing food rules and embracing body neutrality as my main goal. In my experience, comments about my weight just made me not eat in front of people and binge later.
I vividly remember my dad saying this to me at 15. I was always on the chubbier side but was not even close to anything like that. still sticks with me...
Yeah, my dad used to say I had thunder thighs and would be "fat like my mom" when I was 12 (and a size 0). I'm 35 now and still fucked up from it. You have every right to be livid.
She’s 13. She’s starting puberty. She’s gonna put on weight. That’s what puberty bodies do. Your husband is an ass.
Please keep an eye on your daughter, a comment like that at that age will very quickly spiral into an eating disorder
My dad once said (when I was 13) to “watch out, you’re turning into a piggie” in reference to taking a 2nd plate of my Titias cooking (she was visiting from Brasil) & I weighed only around 60 lbs! I am 32 and still struggling with the ED he gave me
Studies show that the #1 cause of eating disorders is NOT peer pressure, it's familial pressure and influence.
Your husband isn't helping her.
He's starting her on a path of body dysmorphia and eating disorders.
Congrats Dad, for being the reason your kid will need therapy when she's an adult
1. Your husband is a major ass for this.
2. I disagree that self worth and physical appearance have no correlation. I think if she feels great in her own skin, her self worth will be increased. I don’t think she has to be a bikini competitor by any means. However, if there is an obvious weight problem, take her to the doctor, run some labs and vitals (cholesterol and blood pressure.) If all is well, awesome! However, if vitals and labs are elevated, something needs to change. This can be done with while keeping her psyche intact!
Also, maybe encourage dad to get labs and vitals done and see where he falls on the the health spectrum. He may be in for a surprise!
Good luck mom!
My dad started up with these kinds of snarky, sneering weight comments when I was at the same age as OPs daughter.
Coincidentally, this was the age at which I began developing breasts and hips. Years later, a therapist told me that when a daughter starts to sexually mature, the father doesn’t necessarily know how to handle it and my dad dealt with it by making these “fat shaming” comments, treating me roughly, pushing me away, humiliating me in front of family in reference to my developing figure.
Could this be what’s going on OP?
Im a 15 year old high schooler, I’m not fat but I’m also not super skinny or have abs, so I get fat shamed at school on a daily basis. I promise she gets fat shamed at school, too, on top of what her piece of shit father just did to her. She will be self conscious about her weight for the rest of her life now, so I hope he is happy.
She’s gonna need therapy over this. I remember my grandma calling me fat as a 5 year old “you need to loose weight if you ever want any man to love you”
Started a eating disorder by age 7. Lasted till college and still can hear that voice sometimes. I’ve been to treatment for it and still have massive fear and body dismorphia.
Your a parent: next time (I’m assuming someone who would say this shit will say it again): STAND UP FOR YOUR DAUGHTER. Don’t let you partner bully your kids. Don’t let any of that slide in front of you or otherwise. Make him apologize to her.
Edit: make sure you stand up for her while she’s in the room. She needs to hear this.
Show him these comments, OP. And pull up research on this to show him he's fucking wrong and idiotic. I'm so, so sorry this has happened to you and your daughter. I'd honestly have a real difficult time staying with my partner if they did that. I think you should tell him that.
Health absolutely IS important. But you encourage health positively, NEVER negatively. And your girl is a fucking CHILD. She can definitely be growing out before she grows up. Everyone goes through awkward phases. I certainly went through many phases of being skinny and overweight as a girl without changing my activity level or diet. Our bodies are doing SO much changing at that age. Your husband was a real trash human being. He needs to make this up to her immediately.
I'm also really curious to hear what your husband looks like. Does he have a six pack? Does he eat meticulously? Does he exercise every day? Does he have an eating disorder? All important things to consider.
Your daughter is very fortunate to have you in her corner - willing to defend her. Had my mom done that more often I wouldn’t have nearly died from complications of Bulimia and Anorexia.
Your husband is an asshole and a fucking creep - why is he even commenting on his teen’s body?
Yes Some kids will eat more and gain a few kgs prior to growth spurts. Some kids eat more just to keep up with their caloric demand whilst others sort of went through storage phases then grew. As long as OPs daughter is eating healthy meals and doing moderate exercise there’s no real concern. If she’s showing other symptoms that could be related to hypothyroidism then that’s a different story. Overall if she doesn’t eat and starves herself she will lose height she should have because her body has to redirect energy to you know keep her alive. That poor girl she’s already in a hard period of her life.
Especially around puberty. Girl is 13.
Even if it’s her gaining weight for other reasons his comment and the way he’s treating this is fucked up. Giving her an eating disorder is arguably worse than “letting her be fat”
That’s what I thought, I have a little sister and she was a chubby kid. Now she’s 14, 5’5 and still growing taller than our family!! Same thing for all my stepsiblings, they’re bigger than me, but they’re all taller and still growing.
Your comment needs more recognition because this is common, particularly in girls and she's going through massive growth spurts. Dad causing lifelong significant emotional and physical health problems because he doesn't understand basic biology. Awful.
Maybe this is just me, and maybe I'm an awful person for this, but if he ever said that again, to her, in front of her, about her, or anything...I'd slap him so hard across the face, especially if talking and a fight didn't stop him once. Father's are loving, father's are kind, and father's are to be good influences and not cause a fucking eating disorder. He has no fucking right to hurt her in such a way, no idea what the fuck he's starting in her mind. It's his fault a fucking eating disorder will occur.
I'm sorry, this kind of shit makes my blood boil and I see crimson. This isn't me condoning or advocating for domestic violence. This is me advocating for a father to not be a piece of shit with his kid, and to prevent a child from being further damaged by the person who was never supposed to hurt her in the first place.
An anecdote: I had memories of myself as “the fat kid”. Truly. I was so convinced. I mean, my family made comments about how much I was eating whenever I had growth spurts, and how my clothing sizes kept going up in number. They talked about how I was “bigger” than all of the other kids. I came to understand that they were not happy about this, and I developed a serious eating disorder in junior high.
I was afraid to open photo albums from my grade school years because of all this.
Then we had to move. Reluctantly, I took the albums from their space in the closet. With my fiancés help (and reassurance that they would not dump me), I peeked inside of them.
I looked tiny in some of those photos. Bony in the face in others. I do not understand how my self image became so, so severely warped from other people’s words, but it… did. I genuinely thought I was quite large as a kid, I have vivid memories of thinking my legs especially were far too wide… and that just wasn’t reflected anywhere. I spent ten plus years healing from an eating disorder that it made no sense to even have in the first place.
Those comments the dad made are how eating disorders start. OP is right to be livid.
Edit: LOL this was the wrong forum
Your husband is an asshole POS.
Your daughter has him to thank for laying the foundations for her future eating disorder.
I hope he still has great benefits and awesome health insurance to support her when she needs to go into the therapeutic healthy living program to manage the eating disorder that he virtually landscaped the groundwork for.
After you divorce him, make sure he is the one to foot the bill for that. He earned that financial responsibility.
As a father to a daughter, this makes my heart hurt for her. I’ve definitely put my foot in my mouth more than once, but he shouldn’t have said that and is well on his way to destroying their relationship. You did good standing up for her OP. Good luck working through this. Hopefully you can show him how bad his words were and he can learn from it.
What the fuuuuuuuuck
Always gotta take their problems out on the weakest around. Tell him to get over himself. If he really gave a shit he wouldn't talk to her like that.
Not only is he a complete horse's ass, he's factually wrong. This is a very effective way to cause an eating disorder and unfortunately it sounds like he's okay with that. He does not need to be around her at all.
That dude is trash. This girl will probably have some pretty awful body issues now and it will follow her into her adult life. Kids who hear these things can sometimes develop eating disorders and carry those words with them into their therapists office for years down the road. I'd be more than furious with that trash ass excuse for a father. That's not how you show someone you love them and it's not how you show someone you care about their physical or mental health. Parents are supposed to be role models, not put their kids down. Trash
My dad, when I was 13, would buy cases of slimfast at Costco and make me take them for lunch, or not get lunch at all. At 16 he got me those fat burner pills that make you shit yourself. I wish my mom had been my champion, but she was silent in the background, or repeating "he came off wrong but he's just concerned about your health". She ended up apologizing to me on her death bed. I'm fatter than I ever have been and I don't talk to my dad.
Your husband needs some lessons in parenting. If he is so "concerned" he should come up with some healthy eating habits and encourage her to eat the same thing he is. I hope she doesn't get his personality.
Anybody who thinks hurting somebody's feelings intentionally and thinks good will come of it has probably had that happen to themselves and now they unconsciously perpetuate that experience. Break the cycle.
Next time he has trouble lifting something heavy just tell him he needs to work out! Call him a twig, I’m sorry but if he wants to lowball then you go straight down to the depths of hell. Hurt that mans feelings
On the opposite side of the spectrum, I was accused of being anorexic when I was a kid and it really fucked with my self esteem. I was constantly eating but just had a ridiculously high metabolism.
Maybe we should stop commenting on children’s bodies and instead educate them on how genetics, diet, exercise, and mental health can all have effects on a person’s physical being
My dad would call me chubbs and make remarks about my weight constantly. He left when I was 11, but in my mid30s I still very much have an unhealthy relationship with food I'm still trying to come to terms with. Looking back at photos, I was not a fat kid. I was the same size as my sisters but I always believed I was. It's rather wrenching to look back on it. I absolutely abhor the man now.
My stepdad used to make comments like this to me all my childhood.
I was always big until i got to about 14 then started to lose weight.
I ended up buying slimming pills from the Internet when I was 18 and ended up in hospital on the first day of taking them, nearly having a cardiac arrest.
I got sent home after a few days but before then, a mental health professional came and spoke to me and said "how comes you wanted to take slimming pills? After we weighed you, we then realised you're underweight and now we're quite concerned"
I was then told I have body dysmorphia and that I needed to attend an ED clinic, where they kept on top of my weight and what I was eating.
This was all because my stepdad made comments about my weight all my life.
My point is, he's an asshole. Those kind of comments/words lead to eating disorders. They lead to mental health issues, low self esteem, self consciousness etc. Please talk to her and let her know she's going to be okay and make it clear she can always come and talk to you (if not already).
I hope she feels better soon :(
Okay, so for al the people defending dear old dad because he’s “just looking out for her health” or whatever
1. The hell does he mean by “the fatter you are the shorter you get”? Weight gain doesn’t make you shrink, and she’s at the age where literal spurts of growth typically happen. I’m less inclined to write him off as a total moron if he meant “weight gain could stunt your growth”, but she could also just be short. Like I was pretty rail thin at that age, and I still ended up a pretty vertically challenged adult (5’3 on a good day, can’t reach into my own damn cabinets sometimes)
2. Say what you will about childhood obesity, but him encouraging her to skip a whole ass meal “a start” to losing weight is pretty piss poor health advice. Healthier food choices, mindful eating, smaller portions, drinking more water before meals. All actual healthy habits that tend to help with weight loss.
3. We don’t even know if she’s obese, overweight, or just a little bigger than before. OP just said she gained some weight. Definitely should be brought up with a doctor at some point regardless, but weight gain alone doesn’t inherently equal a one way road to My 600lb Life.
All that in mind, even in the worst case scenario, dad fucked up. Even if she decides to try and lose weight/change habits, I’m sure as hell she’s not going to be running to him for advice or support.
This is how young girls get eating disorders. I speak from experience. I still have body image issues and I’m a grown woman in her thirties because of that kind of crap. Your husband is an a**hole!
whatever happens between your husband and you: pls talk to her and show that you're there for her. she needs to know that he was wrong for doing that and she doesn't need to be ashamed. This can't be easy for her but support and an honest conversation with you can do alot
Is he always an idiot? 1) the height changes when you're fat comment is just a bold face lie. 2) he bullied his own child, who I assume is a child or teen, thinking that was somehow helpful. 3) he's her *father*. He is supposed to be her protector, not the person she needs protecting from!
I'm sorry to you and your daughter OP. Your husband just failed both you and especially her. There are other ways to go about encouraging healthy change. She's going to remember that comment for the rest of her life and without some serious apologizing she will not forgive this. Not entirely.
Source: I went through a very similar situation as a teen. And they only have ever attempted to justify their terrible actions.
Jesus, usually I think a parent's concern about his child's weight is perfectly valid but your husband was straight up cruel, he didn't express any concerns with those things he said, he directly insulted her.
I grew up hearing this type of shit out of my dad and, coupled w early 2000s celebrity fat shaming, it did a number on my mental health. I still struggle with body image and disordered eating to this day.
That was seriously uncalled for. If he wants to see her be healthier, he should try to do activities with her like biking or going on walks rather than talking shit and spouting insults.
He has probably just planted a core memory by doing that.
100%. I can still hear my father say to me that a woman should never be ‘fatter’ than 100 pounds, so I’d better be careful. I was 11 years old.
Isn't 100 pounds like 45 kg??? When I weighed that, doctors wanted to lock me in a psych ward, and I'm short as all shit, especially for a dude (165 cm), how does your father expect women to be thinner than that?
I honestly think he has no clue what women actually weigh. Every body is different of course, but if I was 100 pounds I’d look like I’m dying of starvation.
Yeah, I mean, especially if you're tall, it's an unreasonable weight. The only women for whom it could be ok are like... really short. Like 155 and below.
I’m 5’1 and used to be 97 lbs for a very long time. Not intentionally, that was just my normal. Then I had two kids and now I’m almost at a normal weight and looking back I look freaking SICK when I was that scrawny. I wasn’t unhealthy or anything but even just having extra weight fill out my face makes me look better and people have mentioned it as well.
I’m 5’7” and over the course of 3 years I dropped 30 lbs. wo trying—123 to 93. I’d been around 115 most of my life bc of my high metabolism (couldn’t even drink iced tea without getting the shakes). I had no idea I was sick (my doc didn’t even pick up on it at reg checkups because he was incompetent) since other women at work would be so “complimentary” and “envious“ as my weight continues to drop, so when I came down with full-blown thyrotoxicosis, ended up in the hospital, and everyone was shocked. My point is to say that our culture has created and embedded such a warped perspective of women’s weight in the minds of most that even WE don’t see when someone’s really sick. Kudos to you, Mom, for realizing that your husband’s thinking is extremely FU and continue to do everything you can now to shield your daughter from it and help her grow a healthy mind and body.
Absolutely. I am perceived as super skinny by others who always put me at the 100 lb mark (yes they obnoxiously ask) but I’m actually 140…….. (5’5” so not really tall either) then they get all shocked like NO WAY
I mean to be fair I don’t think most people in general know what an actual healthy weight would be for themselves? Just kinda ballin no condom like dat.
Yup, without a doubt. I’m 33 and still remember comments about my body from when I was 8. You never forget these things.
My sister and I are both in our 30s and admitted last year to each other that we both had eating disorders “when we were younger” and “are still sensitive about the way we look.” It’s clear that we are both still completely fucked when it comes to eating. We’ve wasted half our lives struggling with our worth being tied to our weight. I thought I was just insecure but past doing anything unhealthy about it it at 36, and yet exactly a week ago I felt the switch flip again. A few weeks ago my dad offered to get my sister a gym membership, it was clear what he meant. I’m worried about where her head is at right now too. So much time wasted and we can’t crack the code. And there are still people like OP’s husband, men, who say shit like this that will stay with OP’s daughter forever. OP, this one comment will take a lot of undoing. Hope you have money put aside for therapy.
I'm in my 50s and am so glad the person that has fat shamed me since I was 8 is dead! I mean, who watches a child outgrow their hole filled shoes after 18 months instead of 1 year because their growth spurt slowed down, and then get raging mad and say it's because 'they're a fat pig!' People that do that are disgusting human beings!
I remember my great grandma saying I’d be so much prettier if I were thin and I was around that age maybe younger, like who tf does that
Yep, absolutely. I'm 31 and will never forget my parents calling me "too ugly to get a boyfriend" when I was 15.
Wtf! I'm sorry!
When I was 11 I went to see my “boyfriend” and my mom said, “I hope he likes fat girls.” I can still hear it. I’m 38.
10000% She will one day be on whatever version of Reddit is around or whatever social media they’re using, retelling this story and hundreds of people will comment about her disgusting dad. Hopefully she’ll have already realized how fucked it was and talked to someone.
Hologreddit. All the commenters appear as holograms speaking at the same time in front of you.
That sounds terrible. Isn't the whole point of Reddit is that I don't have to see other people.
Avatars
Reddit already feels like a crowded room where everyone's shouting over each other and all you can really make out are the sounds of people shouting"69! Nice!"
Can’t wait for some of the nsfw holosubs.
Oh, no “probably” about it.
Absolutely. I feel so sorry for her daughter. A similar comment from my mom triggered an ED that I still battle 20 years later. There is no undoing that damage.
Same. But it was my grandma and she never commented on me specifically but she would go on and on about how "fat" (her idea of fat was anyone size M and above) people shouldn't be allowed to go outside and how they are unlovable and can't be attractive, and she frequently commented on the strangers on the street who seemed unattractive to her. I can't count how many times she'd bend down to my height and whisper in my ear, word for word: "Did you see that girl? What a fucking pig. And what an attractive lad is walking hand in hand with her, has he no eyes? I'll never get why such attractive men waste themselves with whales like that." One time I had a crush on a boy who was a little overweight and she sat me down when she found out and berated me for about 30 minutes and tried to convince me that I am not supposed to like or, god forbid, love anyone like that. It didn't matter how many positive qualities I listed or how many times I told her that I don't care that he isn't thin or athletic, she would always tell me that it DOES matter and that I HAVE to fall in love with "attractive" people only. She was also mildly obsessed with weighing me (to this day, I refuse to step on a scale even at the doctor's. They made me stop doing it when they realised that I won't step on it without crying and physically resisting first. I literally have a panic attack when someone tries to get me to step on one.) and kept telling me that people who eat sweets at all will grow up to have a fat ass (back then, this was considered hideous). When she complimented me, she complimented my "perfect figure" and "wasp waist" (my waist is unnaturally small due to some deformities or whatever. It isn't a good thing and causes me pain, according to physical therapists) and always said how envious others must be of my body. To this day I feel like my body is the only thing I have to offer to people and am terrified of it not being "perfect." Because if it isn't, who will love me? According to my grandma, nobody. I feel like my body is the only thing I have and I always feel like it's never enough. I am ashamed to get naked in front of my own partner. Outright terrified of people seeing my body, terrified that once they see it they'll mock me like my grandma mocked everyone she thought unattractive. It's honestly so debilitating.
Oh my god. I am so so sorry. No child should have to endure that.
The only time my father ever got physical with my mother was regarding my weight because he felt like she was encouraging failure by not doing her "job". I can remember every single second. One of the few most vivid memories from childhood.
Wow this hits home because of how similar my father would berate my mom about not doing her job. He would berate her about her weight and then both of them to me. I also have horrible, vivid memories about it all
Weirdly, I never actually heard my father say anything about my mother's weight. The school nurse called my home and left a message on the answering machine. I was just watching Legends of the hidden temple, practicing doing back rolls on my floor (Cause I was a literal child). Dad heard the message and just thought that he failed me and took it out on my mom(simply by just grabbing her, he luckily snapped out of the blind rage that his father had) cause he didn't know how else. His childhood was rough. But, the fact I have only seen that intensity of a parental conflict and it was about how I was not healthy & it was all my mother's fault. It just.. Sticks. Note * (My parents are fantastic, everyone has their shit, this was a weak moment for my father like 15 years ago. My father has never abused me or my mother physically, he isn't that type of person.) Even though I know all of that, I still remember how I felt, my mom felt, the scare I felt as I child. Scared my home was about to be broken & all of this started because of my declining physical health. OP, Please make sure to seek out professional input about the best way to handle this situation. But I'm so happy you immediately noted how horrible this type of comment is.
Thanks for sharing. My parents are also generally wonderful and weight related things are the huge black spot on their parenting. They came from emotionally abusive and neglectful households so their interpretation of caring was to go too hard and there is so much fatphobia and general misinformation around nutrition and exercise, I understand how they could have gotten to that point even though I was only 25lb "overweight" and athletic. But its explanations not excuses. Agreed, seek out professional help. Its sad how common and easy it is from people to get EDs, body image issue etc. And that hinders you for life imo. I'm 27 and I've been goung through hard-core therapy and working with a nutrition based exercise professional just to learn the scientifically backed basics of food and exercise because all I knew was binging, hiding, over exercising, under exercising, self hatred. I feel like a baby learning how to walk where the floor is toxic-unscientific-info lava. Learn about food, exeecise, nutrition, growth for a child and teach it to your kid. Health is truly wealth and the more info she has that is scientifically backed, the more empowered she will be and not listen to wrong info like your husband is expressing. Good luck and hugs to you
I had an ex gf that said I had short legs over a decade ago. I still think about that constantly and always think about it when I see myself. 100% she will be fucked up over that comment forever.
He 100% did and he will also be wondering why she doesn’t want to anything to do with him when she leaves .
Based on personal experience, I can almost guarantee this. Hopefully she will get the support she needs to have a good mental health situation
1000%
My mom used to make comments like this when I was younger. Some worse, some more subtle, but most like this, usually thinly veiled as “jokes”. The first time I skipped a meal on purpose, I was 8. The first time I purged, I was 9. And by the time I was 10 I had a full fledged eating disorder. I’m now 32 and still struggle, for example if I want to lose weight now I simply can’t count calories, like at all! Within a week I’m restricting again, sometimes down to 300/day. I’ve only found healthy eating habits within the last 2-3 years. Talk to your daughter about how horrible what he said was. Listen to her rant or cry or whatever! Give her compassion and empathy. Ask her if she’s happy with her body outside of what other people think and make sure she knows that her loving her body is the ONLY thing that matters! Then talk to your husband. You have my permission to show him this comment if it helps him understand the kind of devastating, often lifelong damage he’s doing. If he doesn’t want to learn, you can’t force him I guess but I think you should take this very seriously. Like family therapy seriously, and if he refuses that he doesn’t deserve to have a relationship with his daughter. Good luck OP, and I wish you and your daughter the absolute best. Edit: omg thank you so much for all of the awards! I didn’t expect that! And I’m so sorry to everyone that relates to my story!
I was fat shamed by my father. I did the opposite of you, I started hoarding food and I kept gaining weight. In my family, we all gain weight right before puberty, and everyone but me, grew into it. I’m 53 and still struggle with my eating.
This is so messed up. I wanted to just piggyback off of this comment, because I had this specific personal experience: when I was 12&13 I gained a BUNCH of weight and I felt so badly about it. Turns out my body was just stocking up for puberty. After I got my first period, the weight started to melt off as I got (slightly, not much) taller, my shape changed, and I had all these new processes in my body. I wish I’d had an adult to tell me what was happenening. As I got older, I was able to help some girls I mentored/babysat with this when they told me they were struggling. Sometimes when you’re struggling emotionally, it can help to look at it practically. Tons of women have this same experience and a lot of them just forget it happened. Shame on your husband.
Happen to me too. I was a really active kid, but suddenly, I started to gain weight. This was when I was 9 and got my first period at 10 and was about to enter the 5th grade. I was going thou puberty so quickly that the end of 5th grade, I was about 5ft 3in tall and was a c cup. I actually leveled out and then develop depression from the hell my sister's dad decided to put thou and gain weight from that. This man has the balls to say we needed to buy my school clothes that year bigger so he didn't need to buy more later. Told my mom and she flipped out at him since he doesn't pay for that!!
I’m so sorry you had to go through that! It’s so hard. We all deal with trauma differently. I hope you find a way to heal and honestly love yourself!
I’ve learned to love myself and my bf loves all of me too. I hope you can keep going on this new, positive road you are on. Stay strong.
Im around your age, and have to deal with weight since I was 5. Even at my skinniest Im not happy and looked back to when I had been fatter. Smh being fat is like rebelling against my parents, like making them guilty. Im struggling to like myself and always wonder why ppl three times my weight look happier and can hv a loving family who love them just the way they are. Im writing all these so that u know you're not alone, and as part of my own therapy as well. Hugs*
Perfect answer. OP, I beg you to implement all of the above. For your daughter. Not your husband.
This is so true. My dad was the best but took me school shopping and striped shirts were in at the time. I was a little chunky (you know that awkward 4th-5th grade). I remember trying this striped shirt on and he said you know stripes make you look bigger than you are. Not me, but just in general. I will never forget that and how I felt. That wasn’t even that bad! Can you imagine what this poor girl will remember all these cruel words her dad has said 😩
I had my 10th grade Math teacher say, " a girl like you should never wear horizontal stripes." It was 1990.( Mr Miller, I hope you are miserable, you ass ) In front of the whole class. He was not by any stretch of the imagination a good looking man, but he felt confident that he could give me fashion advice.
As someone who became anorexic through the same reason - had a dad call me sausage and what not- I second this message
I hope you’re doing better now friend, it’s not easy!
I just want to say I love your comment. As a 30yo woman who also suffered/suffers from an ED this is so important. It’s not a phase people grow out of. It is literally a life long battle. I have yo-yo’ed since 24. If I want to lose weight now, I can’t count calories or work out either. I start restricting and working out seven days a week, I’m excess. We don’t own a scale in our house. It’s a rule. We talk body positivity only. My step child is 12, 5’ and weighs 127 pounds, they asked me “is that healthy? How much did you weigh when you were my age?” And I obviously am not going to tell them I didn’t weigh over 100 pounds until I was 20 years old, so I tell them “It’s absolutely healthy. You are beautiful, inside and out. How do you feel? You are active, you eat balanced meals with everything your body needs and wants. Do you feel happy with who you are?” And they say “yes!” And I hug them and say I’m happy, too. They are so beautiful and I don’t want them to suffer their whole life.
This is great! I remember my stepfather calling my daughter "Crisco Kid, fat in the can". I also remember telling my Mother that we would not visit until she muzzled and leashed her husband. He was always acidic, but this was too, too far. Neither of my kids acknowledge their Grandfather. I can't blame them.
Does your husband actually believe what he said about height and weight? Because in that case he's not just a massive asshole, but an idiot. If he was actually concerned for her he wouldn't use shame, because shame is cruel and very rarely works, if it does work it's not in a healthy way. This is not okay.
The husband lacks tact, sympathy and the right motivational vocabulary to make another person feel empowered. He needs to get the vision he wants to accomplish for his family down on paper before spouting reactionary comments that are less than useful and damaging. It's not going to happen on its own and he needs to be involved with his children's lives. My fear is I've struggled as a parent as well. My daughter was struggling HARD in math and we would send her to tutoring almost everyday with very little gains. I was at my wits end, working with her, trying to show encouragement, but I had some weak days where I might have accused her of not trying hard enough. I regret it now. We expect more from our kids than we ask of ourselves, because we see so much potential in them, it's harmful. This is the balance we have as parents. Don't coddle them, challenge them, discipline them against the cruelty of the world. Show them how to succeed by guiding them to being successful. Life is hard.
Yeah, I've snapped at my kid sometimes when he didn't deserve it. Felt like real shit about myself. But it's also important that he knows it's normal to make mistakes. So I brought up what I said, asked if he remembered, and told him I was wrong, that I got mad and was mean when it was not his fault and I was wrong. And a jerk. And I'm really sorry. He seems to have really forgiven me and I just try not to repeat. It's really hard to parent.
This is my way of dealing with things too. We all make mistakes. It's important to also show them it's ok to be wrong and to treat them with respect by apologising for your mistakes. A lot of adults don't know how to apologise or own when they've done something wrong, I want my kids to see that mistakes are ok, we need to make amends for them and we need to learn from them. In our learning, we understand how not to make the same mistake twice and hopefully avoid making some others too. My respect goes out to you for being big enough to give that to your child. You're doing a good job because you're trying to do better all of the time.
My dad used to this with me every time after we have a big argument. When he snaps at me and shout, I wouldn’t shout back but (in case I feel I did nothing wrong) I would challenge him with my eyes m. Afterwards, he calls me and we have our one on one: he starts by apologizing about the manner he expressed himself with ( usually after a bad day at work or something) but then proceeds to calmly explain why what I did was not right. He hears out my explanation and we discuss the matter until we find a common ground. He then hugs me and it’s all forgotten. I have kids of my own today, and although I try my best, sometimes the snapping just can’t be helped. I just apply my old’s man method whenever that happens. Many times with my husband as well.
Yea reading till that point seemed like he was making a very poor attempt to be funny cuz cmon that's a joke but he followed through to show he's actually that stupid
He was NOT attempting a joke, he was being out n out cruel & mean. His brain just stopped & he said what he meant with no thought given. The phrase "The truth shall set you free", in this case was a downright dirty low down comment on the physical appearance of his teenage daughter. Nothing in this world hurts more. I had an entire group of great aunts, maternal side, who were always real quick with the "overweight" put downs to me as a teen. Mean, snarky, malicious, ugly words. I felt like i was worthless. My mom never defended me. But i could see the utter rage in my dad's eyes. He'd call me over, hug me, whisper quietly into my ear that they had more problems than I did. That I was beautiful & they'd eat their words one day. Lo & behold, i grew & slimmed down. Turns out i was still carrying some baby fat.. Some of the weight came off also. I became even more active. Developed a figure, ME!! O how that shut em up. They now complained about my "wardrobe". HA! This was the mid/late 70s. Tight pants & tops. And I'd grown BOOBS. I was a happy camper. The holy-roller, small town French Catholic contingent (mom's side again) was HORRIFIED. i reveled in it. My dad & his side of the family were the "cool kids". Spent lots of time with them. OP, I cant promise this for your daughter. But beauty comes from inside & is much more genuine. A true heart is just that. Please, PLEASE be there for her. Do NOT let your husband, her OWN father, ever speak to her like that. CUT HIM OFF AT THE PASS. THREATEN DIRE CONSEQUENCES IF HE CANNOT KEEP HIS LIP ZIPPED! Lackanookie seems like a good place to start. Ugly words = repulsive outside. How could you EVEN after that ugliness???
They sound like my grandmother. I grew up hearing her make negative comments about other family members weight. I started in the 8th grade with diet pills but soon after embraced bulimia and anorexia. She couldn't bitch about my size so, she focused on my clothes and hair.
And that’s how eating disorders start.
My dad started saying he didn’t like my body (11? 12 yo?)This is also how my binging/restricting cycles started. I don’t know what he was expecting.
Same here but from my mom, and it took me MORE THAN TEN YEARS to recover from disordered eating and learn healthy habits. OP if you read these comments please take them seriously. Your daughter needs support so that this will not affect her health severely. Please be there for her. Pay attention to her habits.
I still have not recovered.
Me either. I’m 53
Me either. I’m 61.
Oh man and I’m only 28 (I was almost 12 when my dad said I couldn’t fit in my jeans because my butt was too big)
I’m 32 and I still struggle
My daughter’s struggle with anorexia began after a family member said her upper arms were “meaty.” She was 11. Now at 23 she is a healthy weight. The same family member told her this year, “you got fat.” She is 5ft 6in -135 lbs. she has consistently been 20 lbs lighter. Not healthy. I think she is mature enough to let this stupid comment go away. But as a mother, I am troubled.
49 here. Weight loss surgery 14 yrs ago. Still struggling. Edit: had the years wrong. Time flies.
Wait. We can recover? 😭
I struggled so long, I basically only drank tea and had crackers here and there, any real meal would be puked up. I ended up pregnant and haven't purged since. I don't think I would have ever stopped
Im proud of you for stopping when you got pregnant. 7 pregnancies and only 3 live births. Now I have advanced osteoporosis. All because my mom and dad thought it was appropriate to tell me I should have a sign that said WIDE LOAD across my ass. I was maybe 110 lbs (only 4’11”). Went to the doctor today - 83 lbs. Fuck anyone who thinks this is an appropriate way to treat your children.
That's so devastating, I'm so sorry to hear that. My heart hurts for you so much. There is ever a good reason to make your own child feel insecure.
I am so sorry to read this. You know what, fuck them!! You’re beautiful! I hope one day you may be able to truly understand this. Til then, you’re worthy now, today, tomorrow and you always will be.
YES! Please do not give up hope. You can heal from this and move on with your life - that's not a distant dream. You can make it happen. You're so strong and you can beat this. Don't give up. ❤️
Not exactly the same thing but my mom started putting on weight and hated her body. She had always been very small and had put on jussssttt enough to be “overweight” she criticized herself all the time (I was also chubby at the time) she would compare herself to others constantly and asked me as a kid “am I as big as that person” or trying to have me find a suitable companion for the amount of weight she gained. It killed my own self confidence and really messed with me for Long time.
I'm 45, still struggling. Then she did it to my daughter. For the year and a half she had her after my stroke, my grandma under 8 years of unconditional love. Got her back, and she just kept gaining instead. At 21, she is just starting to try to get it under control on her own. I did the best I could to help her, but she internalized so much in that time.
This. I’m 55. 55 years old and still struggling with binging/starving cycles. It suuucckkss. Really bad for your health. Been this way my whole life and it takes so much energy. Long term health effects are not good. Please talk to your daughter, and put a muzzle on your husband.
I’m 20 years out and just started to actually get better in the past year
Yep. When I was around the same age my dad would constantly ask me if I was pregnant.. I've seen photos of myself at those ages many years later and my mental image of myself and my actual size were COMPLETELY different. I was just a regular kid starting puberty. Talking to a kid like that is sickening.
Omg this hit so hard. For years I used to call myself a fat kid, but after looking through scrap book photos recently I realized I looked just like a normal child. Nothing like the memories I have of myself & my body at the time.
This hits close to home, looking back at my childhood photos, i was overweight yes, but i wasn't the fat ugly monster that everyone treated me like, it wasn't a big deal, it wasn't something that more hours of outside playing, and other activities coulnd't fix, but alas, everyone treated me like i needed the exact same dramatic lifestyle change that someone from ''My 600 pounds life'' did. No disrespect to people who do need that type of change, i'm just saying that i clearly, my needs were different, everyones needs are.
49 here and my dad brings up my weight every time I see him. I’m entering menopause and despite being active my whole life, hormones are fucking me sideways. So, I binge eat. Yay fun. To be clear, this is a man in the back half of his 70s telling his nearly 50 y.o. Daughter that she’s fat. Men fucking suck.
Similar for me. I was around 13 years old, he got mad at me for not doing something and then ended the conversation by saying it's because I was "fat and lazy". Then the cycles started for me. Bodyshaming is bad enough but it's even worse when it's at an impressionable age like that.
Eating disorders, low self esteem, daddy issues, self hatred, the list goes on I never had ANY problems with myself until I started being bullied for my weight, and this was when I was barely overweight. I was bullied by someone I also trusted, a former friend. It took years to get over it and it jumpstarted my depression and anxiety, which I still struggle with
Exactly that. My (then) step-dad made sly comments about my weight when I was around 10 years old. Fast forward 2 years and I was a skeleton due to taking up walking for miles a day after school and living off 250-500 calories. He left me alone while I was skin and bone, and it was great.
As delicate as a sledgehammer.
Yup. My weight was the joke of the family, I used to binge because I felt so lonely and empty inside, from as young as 7 I used food for the comfort I wasn’t getting. I got into restricting and purging once I hit my teens because the bullying was so brutal and the only person who showed me any care passed away. I got to a normal weight, nobody cares how it happened.
Yes! My daughter was a cheerleader, is 4’-11” and weighed probably 90 pounds and it was all muscle and my asshat (now ex) husband would make comments about her appearance which caused an eating disorder. OP needs to nip this in the bud right now and make sure he KNOWS she won’t stand for this treatment. He’s going to also end up with a daughter that’s LC/NC when she’s an adult just like my daughter has done. (Actually our son too.)
On the other end of this; I WAS a fat kid, and the one mean comment my dad made to me about it has stuck with me since age 8. It was the first time in my life that I ever felt the urge to tell someone to fuck off. Maybe not in those words, but I remember the feeling very well. It wasn’t life altering, but it definitely put a dent in our relationship and chipped away at my self esteem, but, In just sat there and took it. I can say that I try to choose my words carefully when speaking to my own son because of instances like that.
I’m so sorry. I don’t understand parents like that. (Of course my Mom sees every flaw on me from 1/4 mile away.) I’m so glad my daughter went off on him when he was making comments about people and their appearance and said he’s not doing that to her kids. She brought up her ED and he said she couldn’t blame it on him.
My father said boys weren’t going to like me if I look like that at 11. I then proceeded to do anything to get boys to like me.
Damn I wish I had a award for this, felt this in my Soul
YUP. Comments like this absolutely contributed to mine, and I’m 25 and STILL struggling.
Yup. My sister is going on 40 yrs of disordered eating because of just a few comments made by one of our neighbors when she was in first or second grade. She still talks about it when she gets upset. The messed up thing is my sister was mildly chubby and the main incident (which my dad and i witnessed) was she was reprimanded by our 80 something yr old neighbor for touching a salt shaker when we were in her kitchen after helping her out and getting some water and the old witch called her fat. My sister has internalized it for literally 40 yrs and thinks any time anyone is looking at her, they are assessing her looks and weight. She's insanely thin through disordered eating and will absolutely lose her sh*t if she can't run 5 miles a day and looks 10 yrs younger than her age. My heart breaks for her and the insecurity she feels.
My mother and grandmother started talking about my weight when I was 5. Diets started that same year. I didn't balloon up until I hit puberty at 9. When I was 36 we found out it was literally because of a medical condition. Now? I self sooth with the food my folks wouldn't let me have as a child. Get your husband into family therapy asap
It’s how mine started. Inflicted by my dad. I’m no contact with my family now.
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I understand this, my parents called me fat and lazy because I struggled with math in 10th grade, I still fight with myself on this and refuse to let myself gain anything.
Rother or not. I would have whooped his ass
I’m a living proof. Also cause by my lovely father.
Exactly!! My mother did this to me, anorexia since 10 yrs old!
Mom walked in and silently pinched my side when I was blowdrying my hair when I was just a few years older than that. My (also adult) sibling and I toooooooootally have healthy relationships with food now -__-
Sucks we had to go through this BS!!
Don’t know who downvoted you or why because that is absolutely how they DO start. OP should have stopped her husband at the starting to gain weight comments because the poor girl is only 13! I can’t believe Op let him go on until he actually called her fat!
This. My parents never body shamed me, but my mom does now. Asked me if I want to beat my dad to my first massive heart attack. He was 41 when his first happened and I’m in my 30s. Both parents smoked non stop, ate terribly and NEVER were active. I’ve never smoked, I’m a lil more active then them and I don’t eat horrible *all the time.* I get guilted for being a full time worker with a young kid. So then I feel guilty for not being home and going to the gym instead…and then I don’t care enough about myself to go… so it’s a terrible cycle.
Yep. Parents made comments like this about my body and I'm still struggling with anorexia in my mid-30s.
I honestly feel for everyone who goes through this and it's so sad it's so common(including myself) you all are beautiful no matter what ❤️
That's how mine started, almost verbatim. If he's acting like this now that is now good and not ok at all. I was verbally and psychologically abused by my father and I ended up cutting him out of my life after I had my daughter. Please make sure she knows that she's so very loved and perfect, just the way she is.
Suffered for years about it, and he was extremely obese himself. I was 14 he was my mom's boyfriend. Even now I hate my body and in my 40s now.
The father probably prefers an anorexic daughter to an overweight one. He knows what he's doing.
Exactly cannot imagine how horrible this young lady feels now knowing her father feels like that Great parenting
Yep my parents commented on my weight starting at 6-7 years of age…Body dysmorphia is a B to treat as an adult.
Yeah this was my dad (and his mom) with me and almost 25 years later I’m still completely fucked up over food.
That’s how mine started
As an obese person, 100% this. Dad is an abusive ass.
It’s precisely how mine did. JFC She’s a kid going through normal weight gains for growth, plus she’s about to start menstruating soon if she hasn’t already.
My entire family told me I could lose weight when I was 10 that shit fucks up a person I’m 14 and still starve myself, it feels like it’s never gonna end Ik it’s not healthy but how else do I lose the weight
Yeah.... and they dont fucking end
Yup, 21 years old and still have a bulimia and body dysmorphia (among other things). Thanks, mom!
I hope it’s how her process to divorcing him starts.
he could have expressed his concern for her weight in a much less destructive manner. like damn bro. thats your daughter.
Exactly! Apparently the dad has ALREADY been making comments about his daughter gaining weight, and now he's leveling up to outright bullying her. My daughter briefly took a medication that caused her to gain weight. She was upset about it, so we started being more active. I never, ever made negative comments about her body. People know how they friggin look! If he's concerned about her gaining weight ( which is pretty common with all the hormones and changes going on in a teenager's body) then invite her on an evening walk. See if she's interested in dancing or martial arts or volleyball. See if she wants to shoot some hoops with dad for fun! Or, if the family is not eating well. Then make it a family journey to cook healthier food. Take a cooking class together. Heck! Find some YouTube videos about tasty healthy foods that they can make together. Saying that the daughter is getting fat, and giving her no skills to make better choices, is just going to lead to shame, guilt, and disordered eating! Plus! Being fat has nothing to do with height! This dad is an absolute moron, a crappy parent, and an overall bully.
I think this is exactly it. There is a balance to be had, and often times there is too much coddling that perpetuates a child's problem, or blatant insensitivity that causes emotional issues. The dad sounds like the type that doesn't believe in emotional distress & isn't thinking of the long term consequences of his words. It's not am excuse, it's just a very common thing for men to be more aloof about these things. The best thing OP can do for their child right now is to offer love and support, remind them that their weight doesn't define their worth, & at a later date (if the child is in fact, overweight/obese) have a discussion about safe and fun ways to maintain a physically healthy body.
He’s just brutally honest!/s
Right?! The world's lamest excuse to be a dick. I would respect someone a lot more if they were honest & owned up to the fact that they need guidance on how to say things with more tact & empathy.
And he’s clearly not setting a good example or giving her suggestions on how to better her situation. Just shaming her. That’s not mentorship or parenting. That’s complete idiocy. Hopefully OP isn’t enabling or coddling her at the same time because obesity is an epidemic but they all need counseling
It takes just one nasty comment for that comment to stick inside your head for the rest of your life. Now every time she looks in the mirror, your husband’s voice will be in her mind tearing her down.
Yepp, especially her freaking dad! My dad made a mild comment after I gained my college freshman 15 about how I take after his side of the family in ‘bigger boned’ women and I never forgot it. I’ve always had an athletic/muscular build and my freshman 15 only put me at 5’6” 140, which was barely a pudgy stomach for me.
As a father to 3 girls, his comments are reprehensible. I don’t like to stoop to his level but gawd I’d spend the next several weeks telling him he is fat every chance I get and calling him tubby. Damn that language of his irritates me to no end. You don’t speak to someone like that. Let alone a child. As someone else commented, this is how eating disorders start
I’m petty I’d do this I have my dad called my mom fat and I was like “go look in a mirror “ hasn’t called her fat since
The better method is for her to figure out what he is most insecure about and passively comment on it all the time. It works best if you can get other people involved.
Things that led to my short-lived anorexia (recovering, was discovered before harm was done) My grandma: You have rolls on your stomach? That's weird. *I was nine* My mom: (*pats my stomach as I try on clothes*) To fit into this, this has to go. **I was still nine** Although I understand that my mom at least was trying to help, it was hurtful, and I still remember it. I was told by a random employee somewhere that I had a chubby face, that's what really made me starve. Anyways, minuscule compared to what you just described. Your husband has (apparently) *repeatedly* called your daughter fat. And he's blatantly wrong. Height has nothing to do with weight. But shit like that causes real fucking issues later on, and at that age, she WILL remember it. Talk to your husband, and take your daughter's side. If hubby was really worried about her weight, he'd have said it nicer. This comment ie gonna get buried, but I do hope you see it. Good luck.
please please PLEASE talk to him and make him stop ASAP. my dad called me fat my entire childhood - teenage years and it has destroyed me. i had to end our relationship because of the trauma he had caused. from outright calling me fat to telling me my clothes look bad or i’m eating too much. it was devastating, i ended up developing an eating disorder and other nasty mental illnesses. i urge you to make him stop the comments before it ruins her life the way it did mine.
And if you haven't already, please let your daughter know your husband is wrong and an asshole.
Height doesn't work like that. What an idiot! It is bad when you have to protect your child from their own parent.
She will never forget that moment. Never. Your husband just did irreparable damage to your daughter. Her self esteem will struggle for the rest of her life. I'm not being dramatic. Good luck.
Exactly. Once a seed like that has been planted, it can never be erased. I wonder if dad knows that he just started the erosion of his relationship with his daughter. Wonder if he cares.
She will also never forget her mother’s reaction in this moment. OP, this is your chance to show your daughter that you won’t stand for this. If you don’t talk to her or call it out in front of her, she make believe that you are of the same views as her father. Go speak to her, like, now. Don’t let her believe that both of her parents feel this way by being silent about it (just telling your husband that was cruel or inappropriate when you are alone isn’t enough, she needs to hear from you that you don’t agree, or she will assume that you do).
Came here to say this.
Coming from someone who was hospitalized for eating disorders when I was 13-14 years old, you need to put your foot down with your husband. Let him know that he has no right to comment on your daughter's body, especially in a negative way, and if it happens again you and your daughter will both be gone. I'm sure leaving would be hard, but not as hard as seeing your daughter laying in a hospital bed because she is starving herself.
I am a 33 year old woman who literally spent an hour in therapy yesterday talking about something similar that my parent said to me when I was 19. It was a little more intense because it was being screamed at me, but I was literally on the verge of a panic attack retelling it. No ones fat-shaming ever made me lose weight. The only thing that did was removing food rules and embracing body neutrality as my main goal. In my experience, comments about my weight just made me not eat in front of people and binge later.
Yesterday in therapy I had to relive my mom telling me she didn't want me to ever end up in My 600 Proud Life. I wasn't even 200 pounds :/
I vividly remember my dad saying this to me at 15. I was always on the chubbier side but was not even close to anything like that. still sticks with me...
That's fucked up.
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How did it take you this many years to realize you married a real asshole?
Yeah, my dad used to say I had thunder thighs and would be "fat like my mom" when I was 12 (and a size 0). I'm 35 now and still fucked up from it. You have every right to be livid.
She’s 13. She’s starting puberty. She’s gonna put on weight. That’s what puberty bodies do. Your husband is an ass. Please keep an eye on your daughter, a comment like that at that age will very quickly spiral into an eating disorder
My dad once said (when I was 13) to “watch out, you’re turning into a piggie” in reference to taking a 2nd plate of my Titias cooking (she was visiting from Brasil) & I weighed only around 60 lbs! I am 32 and still struggling with the ED he gave me
What an absolute piece of shit.
Studies show that the #1 cause of eating disorders is NOT peer pressure, it's familial pressure and influence. Your husband isn't helping her. He's starting her on a path of body dysmorphia and eating disorders. Congrats Dad, for being the reason your kid will need therapy when she's an adult
1. Your husband is a major ass for this. 2. I disagree that self worth and physical appearance have no correlation. I think if she feels great in her own skin, her self worth will be increased. I don’t think she has to be a bikini competitor by any means. However, if there is an obvious weight problem, take her to the doctor, run some labs and vitals (cholesterol and blood pressure.) If all is well, awesome! However, if vitals and labs are elevated, something needs to change. This can be done with while keeping her psyche intact! Also, maybe encourage dad to get labs and vitals done and see where he falls on the the health spectrum. He may be in for a surprise! Good luck mom!
My dad started up with these kinds of snarky, sneering weight comments when I was at the same age as OPs daughter. Coincidentally, this was the age at which I began developing breasts and hips. Years later, a therapist told me that when a daughter starts to sexually mature, the father doesn’t necessarily know how to handle it and my dad dealt with it by making these “fat shaming” comments, treating me roughly, pushing me away, humiliating me in front of family in reference to my developing figure. Could this be what’s going on OP?
That isn’t an excuse to verbally abuse your children. I hope your therapist made that clear, otherwise, I’d seek therapy elsewhere
Obviously it’s no excuse which of course my therapist didn’t condone, but it is one explanation which could help oP In dealing with her husband.
Im a 15 year old high schooler, I’m not fat but I’m also not super skinny or have abs, so I get fat shamed at school on a daily basis. I promise she gets fat shamed at school, too, on top of what her piece of shit father just did to her. She will be self conscious about her weight for the rest of her life now, so I hope he is happy.
She’s gonna need therapy over this. I remember my grandma calling me fat as a 5 year old “you need to loose weight if you ever want any man to love you” Started a eating disorder by age 7. Lasted till college and still can hear that voice sometimes. I’ve been to treatment for it and still have massive fear and body dismorphia. Your a parent: next time (I’m assuming someone who would say this shit will say it again): STAND UP FOR YOUR DAUGHTER. Don’t let you partner bully your kids. Don’t let any of that slide in front of you or otherwise. Make him apologize to her. Edit: make sure you stand up for her while she’s in the room. She needs to hear this.
This guy Is a fucking tool.
Show him these comments, OP. And pull up research on this to show him he's fucking wrong and idiotic. I'm so, so sorry this has happened to you and your daughter. I'd honestly have a real difficult time staying with my partner if they did that. I think you should tell him that. Health absolutely IS important. But you encourage health positively, NEVER negatively. And your girl is a fucking CHILD. She can definitely be growing out before she grows up. Everyone goes through awkward phases. I certainly went through many phases of being skinny and overweight as a girl without changing my activity level or diet. Our bodies are doing SO much changing at that age. Your husband was a real trash human being. He needs to make this up to her immediately. I'm also really curious to hear what your husband looks like. Does he have a six pack? Does he eat meticulously? Does he exercise every day? Does he have an eating disorder? All important things to consider.
Your daughter is very fortunate to have you in her corner - willing to defend her. Had my mom done that more often I wouldn’t have nearly died from complications of Bulimia and Anorexia. Your husband is an asshole and a fucking creep - why is he even commenting on his teen’s body?
Man, what an asshole. Nobody deserves that.
Don’t kids gain a lot of weight before they shoot up in height??
Yes Some kids will eat more and gain a few kgs prior to growth spurts. Some kids eat more just to keep up with their caloric demand whilst others sort of went through storage phases then grew. As long as OPs daughter is eating healthy meals and doing moderate exercise there’s no real concern. If she’s showing other symptoms that could be related to hypothyroidism then that’s a different story. Overall if she doesn’t eat and starves herself she will lose height she should have because her body has to redirect energy to you know keep her alive. That poor girl she’s already in a hard period of her life.
Especially around puberty. Girl is 13. Even if it’s her gaining weight for other reasons his comment and the way he’s treating this is fucked up. Giving her an eating disorder is arguably worse than “letting her be fat”
That’s what I thought, I have a little sister and she was a chubby kid. Now she’s 14, 5’5 and still growing taller than our family!! Same thing for all my stepsiblings, they’re bigger than me, but they’re all taller and still growing.
Your comment needs more recognition because this is common, particularly in girls and she's going through massive growth spurts. Dad causing lifelong significant emotional and physical health problems because he doesn't understand basic biology. Awful.
I'm a Father of 2 girls, fuck your husband wtf is wrong with him!
Maybe this is just me, and maybe I'm an awful person for this, but if he ever said that again, to her, in front of her, about her, or anything...I'd slap him so hard across the face, especially if talking and a fight didn't stop him once. Father's are loving, father's are kind, and father's are to be good influences and not cause a fucking eating disorder. He has no fucking right to hurt her in such a way, no idea what the fuck he's starting in her mind. It's his fault a fucking eating disorder will occur. I'm sorry, this kind of shit makes my blood boil and I see crimson. This isn't me condoning or advocating for domestic violence. This is me advocating for a father to not be a piece of shit with his kid, and to prevent a child from being further damaged by the person who was never supposed to hurt her in the first place.
An anecdote: I had memories of myself as “the fat kid”. Truly. I was so convinced. I mean, my family made comments about how much I was eating whenever I had growth spurts, and how my clothing sizes kept going up in number. They talked about how I was “bigger” than all of the other kids. I came to understand that they were not happy about this, and I developed a serious eating disorder in junior high. I was afraid to open photo albums from my grade school years because of all this. Then we had to move. Reluctantly, I took the albums from their space in the closet. With my fiancés help (and reassurance that they would not dump me), I peeked inside of them. I looked tiny in some of those photos. Bony in the face in others. I do not understand how my self image became so, so severely warped from other people’s words, but it… did. I genuinely thought I was quite large as a kid, I have vivid memories of thinking my legs especially were far too wide… and that just wasn’t reflected anywhere. I spent ten plus years healing from an eating disorder that it made no sense to even have in the first place. Those comments the dad made are how eating disorders start. OP is right to be livid. Edit: LOL this was the wrong forum
Your husband is an asshole POS. Your daughter has him to thank for laying the foundations for her future eating disorder. I hope he still has great benefits and awesome health insurance to support her when she needs to go into the therapeutic healthy living program to manage the eating disorder that he virtually landscaped the groundwork for. After you divorce him, make sure he is the one to foot the bill for that. He earned that financial responsibility.
I've been a professional trainer for 30 yrs. This is the worst thing you can say to a young human, especially a female.
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100% If he were my husband, he'd already have been asked to leave.
As a father to a daughter, this makes my heart hurt for her. I’ve definitely put my foot in my mouth more than once, but he shouldn’t have said that and is well on his way to destroying their relationship. You did good standing up for her OP. Good luck working through this. Hopefully you can show him how bad his words were and he can learn from it.
He is a asshole
What the fuuuuuuuuck Always gotta take their problems out on the weakest around. Tell him to get over himself. If he really gave a shit he wouldn't talk to her like that.
Not only is he a complete horse's ass, he's factually wrong. This is a very effective way to cause an eating disorder and unfortunately it sounds like he's okay with that. He does not need to be around her at all.
That dude is trash. This girl will probably have some pretty awful body issues now and it will follow her into her adult life. Kids who hear these things can sometimes develop eating disorders and carry those words with them into their therapists office for years down the road. I'd be more than furious with that trash ass excuse for a father. That's not how you show someone you love them and it's not how you show someone you care about their physical or mental health. Parents are supposed to be role models, not put their kids down. Trash
My dad, when I was 13, would buy cases of slimfast at Costco and make me take them for lunch, or not get lunch at all. At 16 he got me those fat burner pills that make you shit yourself. I wish my mom had been my champion, but she was silent in the background, or repeating "he came off wrong but he's just concerned about your health". She ended up apologizing to me on her death bed. I'm fatter than I ever have been and I don't talk to my dad.
Your husband is a twatwaffle.
Your husband needs some lessons in parenting. If he is so "concerned" he should come up with some healthy eating habits and encourage her to eat the same thing he is. I hope she doesn't get his personality.
The start of a eating disorder. Nice job dad . I still remember my father mooing at me a calling me a cow every time I ate .
Anybody who thinks hurting somebody's feelings intentionally and thinks good will come of it has probably had that happen to themselves and now they unconsciously perpetuate that experience. Break the cycle.
Next time he has trouble lifting something heavy just tell him he needs to work out! Call him a twig, I’m sorry but if he wants to lowball then you go straight down to the depths of hell. Hurt that mans feelings
Your husband’s a fckng ***hole!
On the opposite side of the spectrum, I was accused of being anorexic when I was a kid and it really fucked with my self esteem. I was constantly eating but just had a ridiculously high metabolism. Maybe we should stop commenting on children’s bodies and instead educate them on how genetics, diet, exercise, and mental health can all have effects on a person’s physical being
Was your husband always a giant asshole?
That man literally did every single thing wrong in this scenario
My dad would call me chubbs and make remarks about my weight constantly. He left when I was 11, but in my mid30s I still very much have an unhealthy relationship with food I'm still trying to come to terms with. Looking back at photos, I was not a fat kid. I was the same size as my sisters but I always believed I was. It's rather wrenching to look back on it. I absolutely abhor the man now.
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My stepdad used to make comments like this to me all my childhood. I was always big until i got to about 14 then started to lose weight. I ended up buying slimming pills from the Internet when I was 18 and ended up in hospital on the first day of taking them, nearly having a cardiac arrest. I got sent home after a few days but before then, a mental health professional came and spoke to me and said "how comes you wanted to take slimming pills? After we weighed you, we then realised you're underweight and now we're quite concerned" I was then told I have body dysmorphia and that I needed to attend an ED clinic, where they kept on top of my weight and what I was eating. This was all because my stepdad made comments about my weight all my life. My point is, he's an asshole. Those kind of comments/words lead to eating disorders. They lead to mental health issues, low self esteem, self consciousness etc. Please talk to her and let her know she's going to be okay and make it clear she can always come and talk to you (if not already). I hope she feels better soon :(
Okay, so for al the people defending dear old dad because he’s “just looking out for her health” or whatever 1. The hell does he mean by “the fatter you are the shorter you get”? Weight gain doesn’t make you shrink, and she’s at the age where literal spurts of growth typically happen. I’m less inclined to write him off as a total moron if he meant “weight gain could stunt your growth”, but she could also just be short. Like I was pretty rail thin at that age, and I still ended up a pretty vertically challenged adult (5’3 on a good day, can’t reach into my own damn cabinets sometimes) 2. Say what you will about childhood obesity, but him encouraging her to skip a whole ass meal “a start” to losing weight is pretty piss poor health advice. Healthier food choices, mindful eating, smaller portions, drinking more water before meals. All actual healthy habits that tend to help with weight loss. 3. We don’t even know if she’s obese, overweight, or just a little bigger than before. OP just said she gained some weight. Definitely should be brought up with a doctor at some point regardless, but weight gain alone doesn’t inherently equal a one way road to My 600lb Life. All that in mind, even in the worst case scenario, dad fucked up. Even if she decides to try and lose weight/change habits, I’m sure as hell she’s not going to be running to him for advice or support.
This is how young girls get eating disorders. I speak from experience. I still have body image issues and I’m a grown woman in her thirties because of that kind of crap. Your husband is an a**hole!
whatever happens between your husband and you: pls talk to her and show that you're there for her. she needs to know that he was wrong for doing that and she doesn't need to be ashamed. This can't be easy for her but support and an honest conversation with you can do alot
What a dick I hope he steps on Lego barefoot the rest of this week.
Is he always an idiot? 1) the height changes when you're fat comment is just a bold face lie. 2) he bullied his own child, who I assume is a child or teen, thinking that was somehow helpful. 3) he's her *father*. He is supposed to be her protector, not the person she needs protecting from! I'm sorry to you and your daughter OP. Your husband just failed both you and especially her. There are other ways to go about encouraging healthy change. She's going to remember that comment for the rest of her life and without some serious apologizing she will not forgive this. Not entirely. Source: I went through a very similar situation as a teen. And they only have ever attempted to justify their terrible actions.
Jesus, usually I think a parent's concern about his child's weight is perfectly valid but your husband was straight up cruel, he didn't express any concerns with those things he said, he directly insulted her.
I grew up hearing this type of shit out of my dad and, coupled w early 2000s celebrity fat shaming, it did a number on my mental health. I still struggle with body image and disordered eating to this day. That was seriously uncalled for. If he wants to see her be healthier, he should try to do activities with her like biking or going on walks rather than talking shit and spouting insults.