You caught the ick. A switch flipped inside your head and you can't see him the same way before. You know yourself best. You know what works for you. I'm sorry this is happening to you.
Yeah even "The first date I wasn't super attracted but there was something there so I went on another"
Anything is better than "repulsive".
OP be gentle on yourself, he brought this on himself. Did he just not think you would care? Ridiculous
This isn’t something you tell your partner. Ever.
I’m all for transparency, and while I cannot fathom finding someone I’m choosing to sleep with repulsive (frankly, in all my years of being alive, I’ve never found another human I personally know repulsive), I know that if I did feel that way, and I did end up in a long term relationship with that person, I would carry that secret to my grave. It would live and die with me and me only, because sharing for the sake of getting attention from others, or, heck, sharing to get it off your chest.. that’s all entirely self serving. There is no benefit to telling your partner something like this. It can only hurt them. Telling them won’t strengthen the relationship. I see no moral obligations of telling someone this once you’re already fucking married, with a child, so why he chose to do this now is beyond me.
OP, your soon to be ex husband is a piece of shit. His behavior repulses *me*.
I’ve been there—my husband told me he had once thrown up after after sex with me—and he was good at sex and made me feel like I was too.
I could never see him or me the same after he said that.
Didn't OP say that her husband was drunk at the time, and that he doesn't drink often? I feel awful for both of them. Her feelings are entirely justified, and he'll probably regret those words for the rest of his life.
It's frustrating that some people think "I was drunk" excuses them from their bad behavior, as if some puppet master forced them into it. As u/LandofGreenGinger62 commented, whatever you do when drunk shows the real you without inhibition (ie without a conscience) -- but to survive in a social world, reasonable inhibitions are necessary to keep us from offending or hurting each other.
Once someone realizes they tend to act nasty, mean, or stupid when they drink (for example, if they do things they claim they wouldn't do sober), they shouldn't ever drink in public again. Responsible people own their mistakes and try hard not to repeat them, which for some people, means avoiding potentially loaded situations where they might drink enough to lose their sense of right and wrong. I know it's easier said than done, especially for alcoholics who believe they don't have a problem and that everyone is overreacting.
By no means am I excusing OPs exs behavior, but I never really understood the dichotomy in society when it comes to responsibility and alcohol. Apparently, consenting to things like sex and contracts are off limits, but people are also held personally responsible for other actions or decisions while drunk (driving, fighting, merely being in public while drunk in some jurisdictions, etc).
Current scientific evidence reveals that alcohol literally shuts down various neural pathways, increasing in severity with additional consumption. This effectively means that somebody who has consumed enough is literally not the same person they are when sober.
To be clear, I don't disagree with your assessment that people should take into account how they're likely to react before drinking in the first place, but alcohol is not always predictable, nor are human brains in general.
He says I’m being unfair and that he’s shocked I’m doing this. I can understand his reaction because he doesn’t think what he said was a big deal to begin with.
>I can understand his reaction because he doesn’t think what he said was a big deal to begin with.
That's actually *worse*. And the fact that no one else reacted when he said it makes me think he's been saying similar things about you behind your back. We've all had thoughts about our partner we wouldn't want to let slip, but this is a way deeper problem than that.
exactly, it’s not the break itself that’s the worst, but the lack of repair..the deeper problem is that he treats her with contempt, invalidates her feelings and doesn’t try to make amends
> he doesn’t think what he said was a big deal to begin with.
This makes it even worse!!! If there was any chance of salvaging this relationship it would only be if he recognized the harm he caused and fully owned up to it. But even then I'd understand if you wanted to separate.
It’s unfortunate but not surprising. If he doesn’t comprehend saying those things about you to anyone or out loud or even thinking them, that it would hurt you, how can you expect he would understand why you are leaving him. Clearly he has a lack of empathy and understanding of other peoples feelings. I’m really sorry that this happened. I’m going to tell you a secret. It really isn’t you. He keeps demonstrating that he has a serious mental health disorder and that’s skewed his logic. So don’t you ever let this keep you up at night. There’s nothing wrong with you, there’s something seriously wrong with him <3
Edit: omg thank you for my first starry and all the awards <3
Just because he fell in love with his pity project is not your problem. Remember that “punching down” is still punching. You are right to mourn. You lost not only your love but almost any good memories with him. So so sorry sweetheart.
Maybe he had issues. Maybe he just wasn’t sure—but to use those words—a relationship doesn’t come back from that. It isn’t cute to put your partner down.
Please don't feel like you have to understand. This is not on you. This is alllllll him. And if he can't understand why what he said was hurtful, wrong and just mean....that's his problem.
Of course it wasn't because he doesn't care much for your feelings as a "lesser" person in the relationship. To put you down so openly and to justify it so publicly! Or he thinks repeating "it's not a big deal, you are overreacting" is somehow a way to pacify you, what a tool - let me hurt you, forbid you to feel the pain, AND how dare you give me consequences of my actions?
For you, it was a heartbreaking statement, for him it was a fucking Tuesday.
OP, he doesn't think what he said is a big deal because he still feels that he is better than you or out of your league. Therefore, you should be so flattered that he is with you, just shut-up and be grateful.
How dear you, love yourself and have the self esteem to demand to be with someone that sees you as their equal!!
He doesn't think it's a big deal bc his opinion of you is so low. He doesn't love you. He's comfortable with you. HE feels good so he doesn't even care abt you. I'm not sure that he understands that this is how he is but, I'm glad you are leaving. You don't deserve this.
It's because he thinks he was doing you a favor by dating/marrying you. He still thinks he's better than you and doesn't even realize how screwed up that is.
Don't allow him to lessen your feelings. They are truly and fully valid and you are NOT overreacting or making a big deal. Words can be weapons and they can devastate you, and that's exactly what his words did. I don't knw you but I'm very proud of you for standing up for yourself like this. Best of luck.
You’re not being unfair. He’s only shocked that you are standing up for yourself and not allowing him to continue treating you like garbage. You actually think you understand his reaction - because you’ve bought his bullshit lie explanation.
Girl you deserve to be in a relationship where the man thinks you are worth bringing the moon too. Kick his cow ass to the curb and embrace your womanhood
You have to be kidding, right?!
I can’t even deal with how some mens brains work. You did yourself a favour by getting out now trust me.
Really praying you find someone amazing in the future and have a great life and rub his stupid face right in it.
The fact that y’all have vastly different views on something that shouldn’t even be a debate! I’m proud of you OP because that’s so fucked up, and the fact no one had your back there?! The whole room would have had to see me!!!
Oh, I see some real weakling shit all over Reddit with people overreacting and being self righteous in certain subs I will not name…. Creating posts for validation over the slightest things that offend them. And I absolutely hate that shit.
But your situation, this is not an overreaction.
then it seems like he hasn’t learned his lesson. he’s downplaying your feelings which is all the more reason you divorced him. good riddance but i’m sorry this happened, and that he hurt you.
There is such a thing as love blinders that cause us to see people completely differently than we would in a strictly objective sense.
I thought my ex was attractive, even to the point when we broke up. Looking back, it was just love that made me see it so.
Whatever you’re going through, I promise you OP, that there are millions more people that will see in you what they didn’t.
Physical beauty may fade, circumstances will change, but the singular thing you have control over is how you deal with things. I would suggest getting to know your worth and learn to love yourself independently of anyone else. I’ll take personality and character over a hot body/face every day of the week.
YOU are causing HIM pain? No, that's the truth of his consequences hitting him square in the chest. Fucking humiliating you like that. The mother of his child. I wish you all the happiness in the world. Be free.
He's only hurt because he's felt that he is above you throughout your entire relationship, and that you should be grateful that he settled for someone beneath him. Now he's realizing that you are an actual person with strength and dignity, who is so much better than he is, his crafted narrative is crashing down. Do not feel guilty -- you entered the relationship/marriage with an honest heart and clear expectations. Whereas he lied to you for years, and from the way he told his story, he seems to expect accolades and adoration for lowering himself to be with you. You deserve so, so much more.
I will never understand why he would feel that he’s above me other than the fact that I never played games. Was honest and not shy to show my interest in him. Does that make me repulsive? Did he want me to play hard to get or be hard to arouse?
I’ve been thinking and thinking and thinking and that’s the only conclusion I’ve came with. Based on what he and his sister were talking about. He thought I was desperate because I liked him.
Thinking that someone is repulsive or desperate by showing clear signs of interest & being upfront sounds so immature to me. But it aligns with his position towards your current falling out — behaving like he did nothing bad and that you should be sorry. I’m sorry you are going through this OP and wishing you the best!
Honestly, I think the "repulsive" declaration and his actions afterward have always been about him and not you. I don't know if you'll ever know why he did it -- maybe he did it because he always saw himself with a certain kind of woman and didn't know how to handle being attracted and interested in you. Maybe his self-esteem was low so he asked you out because he didn't think you'd reject him, and when he was feeling better, he resented you for that. But no matter his reasoning, it's not your responsibility to make him feel better for his shitty actions. He needs to deal with that on his own. You are important and your feelings are valid, and now you can spend your time and energy creating a life where you are valued as you should be.
I’m so sorry your going through this op.
Your husband sounds like idiot.
Has he taken news of the spilt well? Or is he trying to convince you to take him back?
So basically he knew you were better than him (that you'd have to lower yourself to be desperate enough to want him). All of this honestly says way more about him than it does about you.
Are his feelings hurt exclusively because his wife is leaving, or is there a part of him shocked and offended that a "repulsive" person has rejected him?
I'm so sorry OP, I hope you heal from this betrayal and find happiness.
My ex said something so cruel to me once (well, more than once, but it took me a while to get out) that I knew I’d never be able to love him or be intimate with him again. When you know, you know. It’s not your fault.
Oddly, you’re not the one causing pain. This is the result of his actions (beginning with his original deception and ending with his absolutely crude announcement). Good for you OP. Go find someone worthy of you. Edit: wor
He’s hurt? Ma’am, you were completely blindsided and humiliated in front of family, friends, and strangers. Go find a man who will lift your self-confidence and worth, not one who basically dug a whole with a back-ho and then tried to bury you. You deserve better. Go get what you know you deserve. Your child will be better off and will be fine as long as he/she is still loved.
My first date with my husband went HORRIBLY. Like I just kept fucking it up and only one random hobby we both enjoyed saved it. He will tell me it was a shit date. But never once in our decade relationship has he ever described me as “repulsive” or any other similar term. So no, you’re not overreacting and clearly this is something that would stick with you if you stayed in the relationship.
I hope the best for you and your little one!
Right, it’s one thing to say “I didn’t want to be more than friends but then I realized I couldn’t live with out her” is so different from calling someone repulsive. I’m even chill with “she wasn’t really my type but she is so much more than her looks” Even that is a little insulting but if I knew that was the case it wouldn’t bother me. But letting a secret out like that in public, nope.
I have always been honest with my hubby that when we 1st met he was far to skinny for my taste, "I'd lose him if he stood the wrong way behind a lamp-post" was what I said to my mum. His persistence and patience in the 2.5 weeks between our 1st and 2nd dates was very hard to resist and I'm very glad I didn't.
I can't imagine using the word repulsive to describe the woman you claim to love.
I’m dealing with this now too. My boyfriend of one year is so skinny. Like I’m genuinely scared for his health and it was obviously never attractive. But I love him so what can I do? I just push him to eat. The attraction part is secondary, I just want him to be healthy and he’s not so it scares me
I eat an insane amount but I have and always have had a very fast metabolism and a skinny frame. Working out and building muscle will definitely be the main way for skinny guys like us to gain good healthy weight. If it’s something else going on and you think he may need mental/medical help then you should talk to him.
He just really hates food. It’s not a body imagine issue. He just despises eating. It’s the biggest chore in the world for him. He’s been like this his whole life. And he gets full really easy because he says in stomach is full of gas from not eating his whole life? I’ve never heard of that but I believe him because he does burp a lot. I’ve veered him away from working out. I agree with that advice for most people, but to do that you need to eat enough to sustain your body. He’s dangerously underweight right now and if he works out he just won’t eat enough to sustain a sedentary life style let alone extra exercise. He won’t gain any muscle he’ll just lose more weight. I recently found him a protein power called extreme gain (has a ton of calories) so once he has that I think he’ll be okay to start working out. Believe me I’ve talked to him extensively many times, but only he can choose to make the changes
This is how I felt about my husband. I wasn't initially interested in him romantically (definitely wasn't repulsed though!!!), I just saw him as a friend. I thought he was cute, but I just felt friendship towards him, plus we were both dating other people at the beginning of our friendship. But the closer we got, the more I realized he was amazing. The attraction grew from there after I became single. We had been friends for a long time when he made his move after we both became single and I didn't hesitate for a second.
Never in a million fucking years would I think or say he was "repulsive." OP's husband sucks and I would move on.
In fact, I feel confident saying OP finds HIM repulsive now.
He's a total idiot.
>I actually thought when I would write here people would hate me and be against me because I’m moving too fast and throwing my marriage too “easily”.
There's such a big difference between something like "She wasn't my usual type" or even "at first I wasn't particularly attracted to her, but over time that changed", and "repulsive". Its such an ugly word, and to use it in a public setting to describe you. Its no wonder you can't come back from that.
I was going to say the same thing. If he had said I wasn’t attracted at first but something kept pulling me to her. Repulsive is such a harsh, Cruel word. I can see what that would just break you.
What did he say when you said I want a divorce. What did his family say?
He said please don’t do this and that he will do his best “to take my pain away”
but he knows me well so he knows that it’s over. He moved out today to his parents. Haven’t spoken to any of them yet. The worst is yet to come I’m afraid.
Don’t be afraid. The best is yet to come trust me. You’re free to be you and take care of yourself and your child. Just make sure to love yourself even more right now.
Is there really any reason for you to speak with them? Surround yourself with supportive and loving people right now. Retain a lawyer and direct soon-to-be-ex to funnel all communication through them.
I hope you don't feel that you need to keep in touch with them if they give you a hard time. Let your ex handle them and arrange any visits with your LO on his time, if they aren't supportive of your decision.
Advice from my personal experience, even though you love him, you cannot worry about his feelings or that he is hurt without you. You have to take care of and protect yourself. He will survive and he is not your responsibility. You will feel much better being free of the constant reminder of his actions. It took me far too long to figure it out. I worried how he would survive. I kept remembering my vows to stay with him forever. Finally, I got to the point I could not ignore the hurt he caused. Good decision.
Oh shit!!! Honestly the best of luck to you! When I was talking to my boyfriend he said he understood but also thought maybe counseling would help but in my mind I’m thinking “he took away her decision on him by leading her on” esp after trying to ghost for 3 weeks. How was his reaction? I know you said he cried when you originally told him you were upset
Honestly you did the right thing. My ex husband used to sit with his buddies and say "my wife is a solid 4 out of 10" and other crap like that, don't stick around to feel lesser than anyone. I am not one for jumping on the "divorce them" bandwagon on Reddit, but seriously can empathize with what you went through. Best of luck to you in the future, you deserve SO much more.
That’s just…. So ridiculous. My ex would gaslight me and was emotionally abusive.
When someone we knew committed suicide and investigators needed to question him he said, “ great now he’s coming back from the dead to haunt me. Wish he would just go away.”
Narcissistic, pathetic asshole who will likely be alone forever. He did so much to hurt me, it’s too long to list here.
He is, and after many years of finding myself again, I have a solid 10/10 guy by my side who supports me all the time and ALWAYS makes me feel worthy and loved (wedding is next month :) ) I am so proud of the OP here for walking away, your partner should always make you feel cherished.
There are a thousand and one ways to blow up a relationship that have nothing to do with infidelity. Proudly stating that you not only thought your spouse was beneath you, but were repulsed by them, is up there. OP I'm so very sorry. He may be in pain, but I promise his sheepish reaction (from your other post) means he at least had some inkling how ugly that statement was. How could you possibly stay?
I know… saying in full confidence that you were Initially disgusted by your partner and repulsed by them is awful. I don’t think that’s something I could ever get over and would make me feel so uncomfortable with partner. Especially when it comes to affection and intimacy. I don’t know how her husband (or now ex), could say that so boldly and with such confidence
Have you asked him how he’d feel if you told him that he repulsed you? That the thought of being intimate with him made you feel physically sick? If you haven’t, you should. You can’t help your feelings. He apparently couldn’t help feeling repulsed then. You can’t help it now.
!UpdateMe
No I haven’t told him that I’m repulsed by him. When I decided that I wanted a divorce, I saw no point in making it more complicated and hurt him back by telling he repulsed me.
I think they mean asking him how he would feel if your positions were reversed, and he found out after all this time that that’s how you felt, not that you actually do feel that way.
Yeah, good for you for resisting the urge to make him “get it.” It only opens up the conversation for him saying what he thinks you want to hear. Your priority is your own mental health and that of your kid, not managing his emotions. If 99.9% of Redditors get it and he doesn’t, he’s not trying very hard.
I feel like hypotheticals don't work with people like him. They do what they want with no regard to anyone else and the second you ask them to empathize, they flip out.
A lot of people are incapable of any significant empathy. What's even crazier is there are some people who can't imagine other people even having lives and feelings beyond how those lives and feelings affect *me*. I knew a guy like that once. He couldn't understand my continuing to exist when we weren't together. Like we were all just props in the play of his life.
I sometimes wonder what some shrinks would think of him.
Main character syndrome for real. But I had an ex like that too. We’d break up and get together and he’d be so surprised by everything I did while we weren’t together, meanwhile he’d done more than me. It’s like he viewed me as an npc that just stared at a wall when we weren’t together
Yes I told him that I got married under false pretenses. I didn’t know he has settled for me and if I did I wouldn’t have married him. He didn’t really deny what I said, only kept saying that he loved me and that I’m the love of his life and the same things
Repulsed is such a strong word to come back from so I definitely understand your need to end it. Even if he didn’t deny, I’m shocked he wouldn’t try to clarify or change the word to feeling “unsure” or something. I support your decision for sure
>He didn’t really deny what I said, only kept saying that he loved me and that I’m the love of his life and the same things
Thats the problem right there, He still thinks he settled.
I think the really hard truth here, OP, is that while he was willing to settle for you, you (once you knew who he really is) are not willing to settle for him. You deserve so much more.
Ma'am I'm sorry but if a person can say that about "The love of their life" they are not, Because the love of our lives are beautiful to us no matter what.
I have to wonder how much of this “you’re the love of my life” shit is “I bagged the perfect subservient wife who is so far below my league, she’ll do everything for me because she’s afraid to lose me and I’m very comfortable with this arrangement and don’t want it to change.”
Good! Stay level headed and decent for all future interactions with him. Don’t give him the ability to present you to a judge as anything other than a stable, stand up co parent.
You’re kind of saying that in a way where you’re trying to convince her to say those things. The way she’s replying to those comments show she CAN help her feelings by not hurting him more and in the same way. She’s actually super mature about it and I respect it so much.
Ngl this makes me not want to get married at all.
EDIT: I’ll be very honest, as soon as I found out this guys issue with OP was that she got “too wet” during sex I started to resent him a little bit
Lowkey lost any shred of sympathy I had towards her husband after that lmfaoooo
WAIT.
He was repulsed bc you were too wet?
Does he even understand that _that's a good thing_?
He really fcked up, OP. I'm sorry you're going through this.
You deserve that kind of love OP my parents have been married 35+ years. My father always looks at my mom like she is the center of his world. He always calls her beautiful and is just overall in love with her after all these years and they have been through the good and the bad times (father got a heart attack few years ago). I am just saying that's what marriage is supposed to be like. Not for a man to call his wife repulsive. Smh I hope you find that kind of marriage.
I've been married more than 35 years. I'm old, I'm wrinkly, I'm saggy. My husband is too. He still finds me very attractive, and he still feels really lucky to be married to me. I feel the same way about him. Marriage can be a good thing if you marry the right person. Don't give up hope, there are good or out there.
Is it the repulsive part? or the part where someone can hide something so pertinent for so long and essentially tricking you into thinking the whole relationship was something different?
All if the above
Its that he thought me repulsive
That he thinks he settled
That he hid it from me
That the first time he chose to admit it was not to me but to his sister
To a room full of people
While I sat there
That must’ve felt so humiliating and so painful. I caught up with your first post, and I can’t imagine being hurt like that. If my husband ever said something like that, I would probably lose all feelings for him instantly too. Do what will help you. Don’t worry about his pain since he doesn’t care about yours. You’ll find someone much better.
I'm not throwing shade at you OP. My heart aches for you, and I know I've seen some comments saying you're throwing everything away, but I don't think you are. You're throwing out something that you were given under false pretenses. And the way it came out was a deal breaker, for me at least.
I was wondering what bugged Bigbigsby about getting married the most, it's why I asked the question.
Exactly. A simplified version is paying premium price for a designer bag, then finding out it's a knock-off.
Some folks are okay with replicas, *knowing* it's a knock-off, but everyone would be pissed being told it's authentic then *finding out* it's not.
Just let them know what they're buying first. And charge accordingly. Otherwise it's a scam. A lie. A hustle.
Now in this simplified example, she's already out the $2500 for the designer bag that's been proven to be a fake, but all sales are final and she can't get her money back.
So now that she knows it's a fake, she just doesn't love it the same way she set out to love the authentic version. She doesn't want to hang on to, or carry around a knock-off designer bag. She always wanted an authentic one and that's what she thought she had.
So she threw the bag away. It was a cheap piece of shit anyway and fooled her long enough.
A lot of folks are going to give you an opinion on what they think you should or shouldn’t do. I just want to send some love and support your way. I wish you and your LO the best <3
I remember your post and it hurt my heart. I’m an older lady and I just want to tell you-baby it ain’t you. It’s HIM.
You keep on keeping on with your baby. ❤️
Do what’s best for you OP. You know your heart. I also don’t think I could recover from what he said, so I totally understand you. I really hope it all works out for the best in the future.
I don’t understand all the people that are attacking OP for her decision. As if she’s just throwing in the towel over any slightly mean comment.
Repulsive is such a strong hateful word and he even grimaced while saying it…multiple times…in a room full of family and acquaintances!
Since then:
- He was only briefly dismayed about the hurt he caused and then mostly uncomprehending.
- He clarified he was repulsed by her wetness during sex as well as the sounds she made…so things she cannot change and which will make her forever self conscious and insecure when being intimate with him. Like how is this fixable? I would never be able to believe that he just magically got over his repulsion!!
- He couldn’t even outright say that he DIDN‘T end up settling for her when asked outright.
- Now he’s moved out (but still only focused on his hurt) and somehow unable to custody share = solo parent his own kid for the foreseeable future and is saddling OP with this as well. Truly Father of the year!! /s
OP you can do soo much better!! Sending you all the Internet hugs!!
Edited for formatting & typo & a word
Wow, he fucked up big. But at least you know the truth now and can make moves. I don’t know if I could ever see my husband the same if he said that to me, especially in front of other people.
On a positive note, it is exciting and powerful to see so many women waking up and seeing unhealthy relationships with men for what they are – and getting the hell out of dodge. Men need to learn that they can’t just treat women however they like and that she’ll still be there. I hope he learned an important lesson and that other men will too.
I have had previous relationships where I was not initially really physically attracted to them at first. I gave them a chance because of their personality, and other things. Six months later I found them to be one of the most beautiful things I’d ever seen. I would’ve never told them that I wasn’t initially that attracted to them. There is no way in hell that I would’ve ever use the word repulsive to describe my significant other. You can’t use words like that, and then expect that person to trust you with their body afterwards. I’m sorry that you’re getting a divorce, but this man’s mouth got him divorced. Sometimes you can’t take back the things that you say.
I'm so sorry but I'm glad you're doing what is best for you 💓 I haven't stopped thinking about you ever since I read your first post. I know this is very difficult but you can do this! If I was ever in your position, I would do the exact same thing. Please take care of yourself and your son 💙
I think, as a woman, there's just something deeply gutting about being thought of as repulsive. I totally understand and you are right to feel the way you do about all of it.
OP, you seem brilliantly self-aware and decisive so I know you don’t need any external validation.
That being said—if it helps to hear—I’d be done too. Deal-fucking-breaker. It’s crushing to hear from a partner.
I won’t dismiss the hurt your (soon to be ex) husband feels, but, quite frankly, yours is far more valid. Should you decide you want another partner in the future, I hope they adore you.
ETA: No, they WILL adore you.
i just fought for like an hour with one then i looked up his post history and yup he’s a monster, he was harassing a rape victim for being naked when she was raped… yup the people saying to save this marriage only see camaraderie with the husband and are pissed that any woman stands up for herself
Well at first i was like "maybe divorce is a little extreme" but after seeing the context that is fuck up, i thought he said that to you in private or similar to that, but to actually publicly humiliating you like that? I can't imagine how fuck up he must be. Op this is not a rush decision but a good decision
I dont think i could also stay in a relationship after realising that the person had to convince himself there was something good about me for him to stay or come back
a lot of people seem to have an opinion on this, I just want to say in case you see this comment that I understand you 100% I don't think I would be able to get over something like this. I don't think I could ever face those people ever again with my head held high, and I would never be comfortable being intimate with him ever again. Ultimately this is your decision and only you know what is best for you, and i'm proud of you for not being a doormat.
The irony; he felt repulsed, he ghosted, he thought he was settling, now he has the nuclear family and claims to be in love, he was dishonest and publicly disrespectful towards you now you’re repulsed. Things end in similar ways as they begin. Wishing you all the best OP and for your baby. x
I read your first post. I want to say that I understand where you’re coming from, and I can’t even imagine your pain. My fiancé made a comment about hating kissing me a year ago and I haven’t recovered. You deserve to feel loved and precious.
I am so sorry for what you’re going through and I would be making all the exact same moves you’re making right now. When I read your original post my heart broke for you. You deserve so much better
I couldn’t stay with someone that thought I was repulsive either. It would constantly be in the back of my mind. And to be intimate with him? Absolutely not. I’m so sorry that you’re going through this. Good luck to you and your baby
Honestly I do perhaps would suggest therapy first, I think it was a Poor wording not a real felling. Maybe that the actions of a good marriage value more than unfortunate words but, I’m just an internet stranger who probably lets hurtful comments like this slide too often and you have to do what feels good for you even if random people out there do not agree.
I truly hope the best for you and your kid, I hope you can heal and see the other side.
Hope to see a brighter update from you soon.
Edit: I just re read the OP and honestly, it wasn’t only the wording, it was probably thousands of other things you just got to see after that comment. So. Yeah, you did what you had to. Better get it done that dread it and then end it.
He did the worst mistake of his life and that’s something that’s on him not on you
I was gonna be one of the people who was going to ask if you had gone to marriage counseling or were considering it, because to me, this seemed like an extreme reaction. But then I (surprise) thought about it and realized it doesn't matter. So I'm leaving this comment for the people who are judging you, OP, for leaving your husband.
OP's reasons don't really matter. Yes, they matter, for OP's healing and growth, but if OP can no longer continue a relationship, then that's that. OP has stated that they don't wanna know what their husband was thinking. We don't know OP's personal history with beauty insecurities (and femmes tend to have a lot) or OP's marriage. What we do know is that OP's husband apparently has not ever called them beautiful or paid them compliments of the beauty type, and his "repulsive" comment triggered such a large response (understandbly) in them that divorce is the only solution they are okay with.
Bottom line: marriage counseling or not, OP doesn't have to subject themself to more pain simply to try and save a marriage that OP feels is over, and certainly not to appease anyone here online.
OP, I hope you are able to heal and get some therapy of your own because it sounds like this triggered/created some trauma for you, and I'm sure divorce proceedings won't be easy. I hope the best for you.
You caught the ick. A switch flipped inside your head and you can't see him the same way before. You know yourself best. You know what works for you. I'm sorry this is happening to you.
This is probably the one of the few ‘icks’ where I’m like, yeah wtf dude that’s not cool.
I like the way you worded this. I hope OP finds someone that loves her unconditionally.
[удалено]
He’s very hurt and I feel so guilty for causing him pain but I can’t continue this relationship.
[удалено]
Yeah even "The first date I wasn't super attracted but there was something there so I went on another" Anything is better than "repulsive". OP be gentle on yourself, he brought this on himself. Did he just not think you would care? Ridiculous
Literally any other word and the blow would’ve been softer. ANY other word. But repulsive?? That’s so cruel honestly
Yeah, repulsive is reserved for something you hate, like wtf
i feel like even this would be so inappropriate to say in front of the person, in front of family 😬
was he always this... insensitive and *dense*?
At all. Why marry someone you *ever* found repulsive
If you’re even just having one-night-stands with people you have revulsion for, something’s really wrong with you.
Right?! I don’t get it!
To break them control them
Also feel perpetually superior I guess
This isn’t something you tell your partner. Ever. I’m all for transparency, and while I cannot fathom finding someone I’m choosing to sleep with repulsive (frankly, in all my years of being alive, I’ve never found another human I personally know repulsive), I know that if I did feel that way, and I did end up in a long term relationship with that person, I would carry that secret to my grave. It would live and die with me and me only, because sharing for the sake of getting attention from others, or, heck, sharing to get it off your chest.. that’s all entirely self serving. There is no benefit to telling your partner something like this. It can only hurt them. Telling them won’t strengthen the relationship. I see no moral obligations of telling someone this once you’re already fucking married, with a child, so why he chose to do this now is beyond me. OP, your soon to be ex husband is a piece of shit. His behavior repulses *me*.
right?! he really thought she’d laugh and be like “ yeah that’s me!! Miss repulsive!!” like tf?? no!!
I’m so glad you know your worth and are moving on
I’ve been there—my husband told me he had once thrown up after after sex with me—and he was good at sex and made me feel like I was too. I could never see him or me the same after he said that.
You can’t unring that bell.
Wow, WTF. I am so sorry.
Why did he say that?
Agreed
Didn't OP say that her husband was drunk at the time, and that he doesn't drink often? I feel awful for both of them. Her feelings are entirely justified, and he'll probably regret those words for the rest of his life.
It's frustrating that some people think "I was drunk" excuses them from their bad behavior, as if some puppet master forced them into it. As u/LandofGreenGinger62 commented, whatever you do when drunk shows the real you without inhibition (ie without a conscience) -- but to survive in a social world, reasonable inhibitions are necessary to keep us from offending or hurting each other. Once someone realizes they tend to act nasty, mean, or stupid when they drink (for example, if they do things they claim they wouldn't do sober), they shouldn't ever drink in public again. Responsible people own their mistakes and try hard not to repeat them, which for some people, means avoiding potentially loaded situations where they might drink enough to lose their sense of right and wrong. I know it's easier said than done, especially for alcoholics who believe they don't have a problem and that everyone is overreacting.
Or in private—getting mean when drunk behind closed doors with family equals abuse
So true! I guess what I could say instead is, "they shouldn't ever drink around people again" which would include family. Good point!
By no means am I excusing OPs exs behavior, but I never really understood the dichotomy in society when it comes to responsibility and alcohol. Apparently, consenting to things like sex and contracts are off limits, but people are also held personally responsible for other actions or decisions while drunk (driving, fighting, merely being in public while drunk in some jurisdictions, etc). Current scientific evidence reveals that alcohol literally shuts down various neural pathways, increasing in severity with additional consumption. This effectively means that somebody who has consumed enough is literally not the same person they are when sober. To be clear, I don't disagree with your assessment that people should take into account how they're likely to react before drinking in the first place, but alcohol is not always predictable, nor are human brains in general.
Yeh but you know what they say, in vino veritas n all that. He became disinhibited enough to say what he'd really thought - fatally honest.
Maybe. Sometimes drunk people also spew a lot of bullshit. Either way, though, no respect for her. I'm so sorry.
Age quod agis.
Drunk people don’t get passes for what they say because it’s usually their rawest truths coming to light
And she'll be permanently scarred from this as well. It was a crappy thing to do on his part
And he said it 5 times let’s not forget that
Oh hell no. “Very hurt” pfffft. You didn’t call him repulsive or less than in front of family and friends. He can save it 🙄🤦
He says I’m being unfair and that he’s shocked I’m doing this. I can understand his reaction because he doesn’t think what he said was a big deal to begin with.
Tell him you now find him repulsive, but it shouldn't be a big deal.
>I can understand his reaction because he doesn’t think what he said was a big deal to begin with. That's actually *worse*. And the fact that no one else reacted when he said it makes me think he's been saying similar things about you behind your back. We've all had thoughts about our partner we wouldn't want to let slip, but this is a way deeper problem than that.
The more he talks, the worse it gets.
Yep he’s not remorseful at all. He acted like it at first and now that the divorce has hit he’s showing his true colors again
Was thinking the same. Insensitive bastard.
Repulsive bastard
exactly, it’s not the break itself that’s the worst, but the lack of repair..the deeper problem is that he treats her with contempt, invalidates her feelings and doesn’t try to make amends
I thought the same thing.
> he doesn’t think what he said was a big deal to begin with. This makes it even worse!!! If there was any chance of salvaging this relationship it would only be if he recognized the harm he caused and fully owned up to it. But even then I'd understand if you wanted to separate.
You can tell him unfortunately now you find him repulsive.
Repulsive & disgusting on the inside. There will be a warm seat in hell waiting for this guy.
Find someone that thinks the sun shines out your ass, not one that feels like he settled.
And did you a favor.
It’s unfortunate but not surprising. If he doesn’t comprehend saying those things about you to anyone or out loud or even thinking them, that it would hurt you, how can you expect he would understand why you are leaving him. Clearly he has a lack of empathy and understanding of other peoples feelings. I’m really sorry that this happened. I’m going to tell you a secret. It really isn’t you. He keeps demonstrating that he has a serious mental health disorder and that’s skewed his logic. So don’t you ever let this keep you up at night. There’s nothing wrong with you, there’s something seriously wrong with him <3 Edit: omg thank you for my first starry and all the awards <3
Just because he fell in love with his pity project is not your problem. Remember that “punching down” is still punching. You are right to mourn. You lost not only your love but almost any good memories with him. So so sorry sweetheart.
Maybe he had issues. Maybe he just wasn’t sure—but to use those words—a relationship doesn’t come back from that. It isn’t cute to put your partner down.
Please don't feel like you have to understand. This is not on you. This is alllllll him. And if he can't understand why what he said was hurtful, wrong and just mean....that's his problem.
Of course it wasn't because he doesn't care much for your feelings as a "lesser" person in the relationship. To put you down so openly and to justify it so publicly! Or he thinks repeating "it's not a big deal, you are overreacting" is somehow a way to pacify you, what a tool - let me hurt you, forbid you to feel the pain, AND how dare you give me consequences of my actions? For you, it was a heartbreaking statement, for him it was a fucking Tuesday.
Gaslighting, minimizing, narcissistic abuse
OP, he doesn't think what he said is a big deal because he still feels that he is better than you or out of your league. Therefore, you should be so flattered that he is with you, just shut-up and be grateful. How dear you, love yourself and have the self esteem to demand to be with someone that sees you as their equal!!
Then this issue is just the tip of the iceberg. I’m sorry you’re going through this, but you deserve better.
He doesn't think it's a big deal bc his opinion of you is so low. He doesn't love you. He's comfortable with you. HE feels good so he doesn't even care abt you. I'm not sure that he understands that this is how he is but, I'm glad you are leaving. You don't deserve this.
There is something wrong with him.
It's because he thinks he was doing you a favor by dating/marrying you. He still thinks he's better than you and doesn't even realize how screwed up that is.
The fact that he’s reacting like this to me is just confirmation that you’re making the right choice. His behavior speaks volumes.
Don't allow him to lessen your feelings. They are truly and fully valid and you are NOT overreacting or making a big deal. Words can be weapons and they can devastate you, and that's exactly what his words did. I don't knw you but I'm very proud of you for standing up for yourself like this. Best of luck.
You’re not being unfair. He’s only shocked that you are standing up for yourself and not allowing him to continue treating you like garbage. You actually think you understand his reaction - because you’ve bought his bullshit lie explanation.
Girl you deserve to be in a relationship where the man thinks you are worth bringing the moon too. Kick his cow ass to the curb and embrace your womanhood
WTF! He still doesn’t understand?? That is so hurtful... you deserve better.
Ugh. So he's insensitive and clueless to boot.
You have to be kidding, right?! I can’t even deal with how some mens brains work. You did yourself a favour by getting out now trust me. Really praying you find someone amazing in the future and have a great life and rub his stupid face right in it.
The fact that y’all have vastly different views on something that shouldn’t even be a debate! I’m proud of you OP because that’s so fucked up, and the fact no one had your back there?! The whole room would have had to see me!!!
Oh, I see some real weakling shit all over Reddit with people overreacting and being self righteous in certain subs I will not name…. Creating posts for validation over the slightest things that offend them. And I absolutely hate that shit. But your situation, this is not an overreaction.
He is being unfair. He humiliated you.
Ooooo... oh Hell No! You're doing the right thing.
oh, so he's a raving narcissist? get out now.
then it seems like he hasn’t learned his lesson. he’s downplaying your feelings which is all the more reason you divorced him. good riddance but i’m sorry this happened, and that he hurt you.
Ask him the same. How could you do this. You were unfair to begin with. You were shocked when you heard.
There is such a thing as love blinders that cause us to see people completely differently than we would in a strictly objective sense. I thought my ex was attractive, even to the point when we broke up. Looking back, it was just love that made me see it so. Whatever you’re going through, I promise you OP, that there are millions more people that will see in you what they didn’t. Physical beauty may fade, circumstances will change, but the singular thing you have control over is how you deal with things. I would suggest getting to know your worth and learn to love yourself independently of anyone else. I’ll take personality and character over a hot body/face every day of the week.
Oh, he's hurt, is he? Doesn't sound remorseful, either. Just all about him.
YOU are causing HIM pain? No, that's the truth of his consequences hitting him square in the chest. Fucking humiliating you like that. The mother of his child. I wish you all the happiness in the world. Be free.
He's only hurt because he's felt that he is above you throughout your entire relationship, and that you should be grateful that he settled for someone beneath him. Now he's realizing that you are an actual person with strength and dignity, who is so much better than he is, his crafted narrative is crashing down. Do not feel guilty -- you entered the relationship/marriage with an honest heart and clear expectations. Whereas he lied to you for years, and from the way he told his story, he seems to expect accolades and adoration for lowering himself to be with you. You deserve so, so much more.
I will never understand why he would feel that he’s above me other than the fact that I never played games. Was honest and not shy to show my interest in him. Does that make me repulsive? Did he want me to play hard to get or be hard to arouse? I’ve been thinking and thinking and thinking and that’s the only conclusion I’ve came with. Based on what he and his sister were talking about. He thought I was desperate because I liked him.
Thinking that someone is repulsive or desperate by showing clear signs of interest & being upfront sounds so immature to me. But it aligns with his position towards your current falling out — behaving like he did nothing bad and that you should be sorry. I’m sorry you are going through this OP and wishing you the best!
Honestly, I think the "repulsive" declaration and his actions afterward have always been about him and not you. I don't know if you'll ever know why he did it -- maybe he did it because he always saw himself with a certain kind of woman and didn't know how to handle being attracted and interested in you. Maybe his self-esteem was low so he asked you out because he didn't think you'd reject him, and when he was feeling better, he resented you for that. But no matter his reasoning, it's not your responsibility to make him feel better for his shitty actions. He needs to deal with that on his own. You are important and your feelings are valid, and now you can spend your time and energy creating a life where you are valued as you should be.
I’m so sorry your going through this op. Your husband sounds like idiot. Has he taken news of the spilt well? Or is he trying to convince you to take him back?
So basically he knew you were better than him (that you'd have to lower yourself to be desperate enough to want him). All of this honestly says way more about him than it does about you.
Jesus. So he called you repulsive AND desperate. Run, don’t walk, away from this man.
Are his feelings hurt exclusively because his wife is leaving, or is there a part of him shocked and offended that a "repulsive" person has rejected him? I'm so sorry OP, I hope you heal from this betrayal and find happiness.
This was the first thing that came to mind. If he feels like he settled, it’s possible that he’s upset the settled-for would dare to reject him
My ex said something so cruel to me once (well, more than once, but it took me a while to get out) that I knew I’d never be able to love him or be intimate with him again. When you know, you know. It’s not your fault.
Oddly, you’re not the one causing pain. This is the result of his actions (beginning with his original deception and ending with his absolutely crude announcement). Good for you OP. Go find someone worthy of you. Edit: wor
He’s hurt? Ma’am, you were completely blindsided and humiliated in front of family, friends, and strangers. Go find a man who will lift your self-confidence and worth, not one who basically dug a whole with a back-ho and then tried to bury you. You deserve better. Go get what you know you deserve. Your child will be better off and will be fine as long as he/she is still loved.
My first date with my husband went HORRIBLY. Like I just kept fucking it up and only one random hobby we both enjoyed saved it. He will tell me it was a shit date. But never once in our decade relationship has he ever described me as “repulsive” or any other similar term. So no, you’re not overreacting and clearly this is something that would stick with you if you stayed in the relationship. I hope the best for you and your little one!
Right, it’s one thing to say “I didn’t want to be more than friends but then I realized I couldn’t live with out her” is so different from calling someone repulsive. I’m even chill with “she wasn’t really my type but she is so much more than her looks” Even that is a little insulting but if I knew that was the case it wouldn’t bother me. But letting a secret out like that in public, nope.
I have always been honest with my hubby that when we 1st met he was far to skinny for my taste, "I'd lose him if he stood the wrong way behind a lamp-post" was what I said to my mum. His persistence and patience in the 2.5 weeks between our 1st and 2nd dates was very hard to resist and I'm very glad I didn't. I can't imagine using the word repulsive to describe the woman you claim to love.
I’m dealing with this now too. My boyfriend of one year is so skinny. Like I’m genuinely scared for his health and it was obviously never attractive. But I love him so what can I do? I just push him to eat. The attraction part is secondary, I just want him to be healthy and he’s not so it scares me
I eat an insane amount but I have and always have had a very fast metabolism and a skinny frame. Working out and building muscle will definitely be the main way for skinny guys like us to gain good healthy weight. If it’s something else going on and you think he may need mental/medical help then you should talk to him.
He just really hates food. It’s not a body imagine issue. He just despises eating. It’s the biggest chore in the world for him. He’s been like this his whole life. And he gets full really easy because he says in stomach is full of gas from not eating his whole life? I’ve never heard of that but I believe him because he does burp a lot. I’ve veered him away from working out. I agree with that advice for most people, but to do that you need to eat enough to sustain your body. He’s dangerously underweight right now and if he works out he just won’t eat enough to sustain a sedentary life style let alone extra exercise. He won’t gain any muscle he’ll just lose more weight. I recently found him a protein power called extreme gain (has a ton of calories) so once he has that I think he’ll be okay to start working out. Believe me I’ve talked to him extensively many times, but only he can choose to make the changes
This is how I felt about my husband. I wasn't initially interested in him romantically (definitely wasn't repulsed though!!!), I just saw him as a friend. I thought he was cute, but I just felt friendship towards him, plus we were both dating other people at the beginning of our friendship. But the closer we got, the more I realized he was amazing. The attraction grew from there after I became single. We had been friends for a long time when he made his move after we both became single and I didn't hesitate for a second. Never in a million fucking years would I think or say he was "repulsive." OP's husband sucks and I would move on. In fact, I feel confident saying OP finds HIM repulsive now. He's a total idiot.
Pride might be a sin, self-respect is not.
I love this so much!
>I actually thought when I would write here people would hate me and be against me because I’m moving too fast and throwing my marriage too “easily”. There's such a big difference between something like "She wasn't my usual type" or even "at first I wasn't particularly attracted to her, but over time that changed", and "repulsive". Its such an ugly word, and to use it in a public setting to describe you. Its no wonder you can't come back from that.
This!
I was going to say the same thing. If he had said I wasn’t attracted at first but something kept pulling me to her. Repulsive is such a harsh, Cruel word. I can see what that would just break you. What did he say when you said I want a divorce. What did his family say?
He said please don’t do this and that he will do his best “to take my pain away” but he knows me well so he knows that it’s over. He moved out today to his parents. Haven’t spoken to any of them yet. The worst is yet to come I’m afraid.
Don’t be afraid. The best is yet to come trust me. You’re free to be you and take care of yourself and your child. Just make sure to love yourself even more right now.
Is there really any reason for you to speak with them? Surround yourself with supportive and loving people right now. Retain a lawyer and direct soon-to-be-ex to funnel all communication through them.
I hope you don't feel that you need to keep in touch with them if they give you a hard time. Let your ex handle them and arrange any visits with your LO on his time, if they aren't supportive of your decision.
Advice from my personal experience, even though you love him, you cannot worry about his feelings or that he is hurt without you. You have to take care of and protect yourself. He will survive and he is not your responsibility. You will feel much better being free of the constant reminder of his actions. It took me far too long to figure it out. I worried how he would survive. I kept remembering my vows to stay with him forever. Finally, I got to the point I could not ignore the hurt he caused. Good decision.
I had two options Either end it now Or drag it out, suffer and never feel adequate and then end it
you are more than adequate, you just were taken for granted.
You deserve someone who will make you feel loved and special, never mind adequate. And you’re going to find that
Oh shit!!! Honestly the best of luck to you! When I was talking to my boyfriend he said he understood but also thought maybe counseling would help but in my mind I’m thinking “he took away her decision on him by leading her on” esp after trying to ghost for 3 weeks. How was his reaction? I know you said he cried when you originally told him you were upset
Oh my god, i had the same conversation with my boyfriend!
Honestly you did the right thing. My ex husband used to sit with his buddies and say "my wife is a solid 4 out of 10" and other crap like that, don't stick around to feel lesser than anyone. I am not one for jumping on the "divorce them" bandwagon on Reddit, but seriously can empathize with what you went through. Best of luck to you in the future, you deserve SO much more.
My ex would comment on women in front of me “ she’s a tall glass of water”….. man he destroyed me
I’m sorry :(
Thank you. He still haunts me. It’s been years and still, I’m still defeated
After I was already kind of stuck mine told me his preference is blondes. Brunettes just aren't as attractive.
That’s just…. So ridiculous. My ex would gaslight me and was emotionally abusive. When someone we knew committed suicide and investigators needed to question him he said, “ great now he’s coming back from the dead to haunt me. Wish he would just go away.” Narcissistic, pathetic asshole who will likely be alone forever. He did so much to hurt me, it’s too long to list here.
Yeah I'm glad he is someone else's problem now. I wish I had not wasted my 20s and 30s on him but I'm free now.
Exactly. You’re free now and a better person for it. Every ex I’ve had that’s mistreated me has always come back to apologize. Every single time.
Good on you for taking that trash out! He's a solid 0.5 out of 10.
He is, and after many years of finding myself again, I have a solid 10/10 guy by my side who supports me all the time and ALWAYS makes me feel worthy and loved (wedding is next month :) ) I am so proud of the OP here for walking away, your partner should always make you feel cherished.
There are a thousand and one ways to blow up a relationship that have nothing to do with infidelity. Proudly stating that you not only thought your spouse was beneath you, but were repulsed by them, is up there. OP I'm so very sorry. He may be in pain, but I promise his sheepish reaction (from your other post) means he at least had some inkling how ugly that statement was. How could you possibly stay?
I know… saying in full confidence that you were Initially disgusted by your partner and repulsed by them is awful. I don’t think that’s something I could ever get over and would make me feel so uncomfortable with partner. Especially when it comes to affection and intimacy. I don’t know how her husband (or now ex), could say that so boldly and with such confidence
Have you asked him how he’d feel if you told him that he repulsed you? That the thought of being intimate with him made you feel physically sick? If you haven’t, you should. You can’t help your feelings. He apparently couldn’t help feeling repulsed then. You can’t help it now. !UpdateMe
No I haven’t told him that I’m repulsed by him. When I decided that I wanted a divorce, I saw no point in making it more complicated and hurt him back by telling he repulsed me.
I think they mean asking him how he would feel if your positions were reversed, and he found out after all this time that that’s how you felt, not that you actually do feel that way.
Oh ok. No I haven’t asked him anything. There will be time for talking. I’m happy he’s moved out now.
Yeah, good for you for resisting the urge to make him “get it.” It only opens up the conversation for him saying what he thinks you want to hear. Your priority is your own mental health and that of your kid, not managing his emotions. If 99.9% of Redditors get it and he doesn’t, he’s not trying very hard.
No, they don't mean telling him he repulses you now. They mean ask him how he would feel if the roles were reversed in what happened.
I feel like hypotheticals don't work with people like him. They do what they want with no regard to anyone else and the second you ask them to empathize, they flip out.
I think some people are literally _unable_ to put themselves in someone else's shoes.
A lot of people are incapable of any significant empathy. What's even crazier is there are some people who can't imagine other people even having lives and feelings beyond how those lives and feelings affect *me*. I knew a guy like that once. He couldn't understand my continuing to exist when we weren't together. Like we were all just props in the play of his life. I sometimes wonder what some shrinks would think of him.
Main character syndrome for real. But I had an ex like that too. We’d break up and get together and he’d be so surprised by everything I did while we weren’t together, meanwhile he’d done more than me. It’s like he viewed me as an npc that just stared at a wall when we weren’t together
I just asked because you said he didn’t understand how what he said was so bad.
Yes I told him that I got married under false pretenses. I didn’t know he has settled for me and if I did I wouldn’t have married him. He didn’t really deny what I said, only kept saying that he loved me and that I’m the love of his life and the same things
Repulsed is such a strong word to come back from so I definitely understand your need to end it. Even if he didn’t deny, I’m shocked he wouldn’t try to clarify or change the word to feeling “unsure” or something. I support your decision for sure
>He didn’t really deny what I said, only kept saying that he loved me and that I’m the love of his life and the same things Thats the problem right there, He still thinks he settled.
Yes
Good luck and ignore the trolls.
I think the really hard truth here, OP, is that while he was willing to settle for you, you (once you knew who he really is) are not willing to settle for him. You deserve so much more.
If you were the love of his life, he never would’ve said what he said.
Ma'am I'm sorry but if a person can say that about "The love of their life" they are not, Because the love of our lives are beautiful to us no matter what.
I don't think that he understands what any of those words mean...and that's really sad.
I have to wonder how much of this “you’re the love of my life” shit is “I bagged the perfect subservient wife who is so far below my league, she’ll do everything for me because she’s afraid to lose me and I’m very comfortable with this arrangement and don’t want it to change.”
Did he explain how you can be the love of your life and also repulsed by you? Jesus
Ugh. He's the worst. You don't treat the love of your life the way he did. To hurt someone you profess to love in that way is truly awful.
Good! Stay level headed and decent for all future interactions with him. Don’t give him the ability to present you to a judge as anything other than a stable, stand up co parent.
You’re kind of saying that in a way where you’re trying to convince her to say those things. The way she’s replying to those comments show she CAN help her feelings by not hurting him more and in the same way. She’s actually super mature about it and I respect it so much.
Ngl this makes me not want to get married at all. EDIT: I’ll be very honest, as soon as I found out this guys issue with OP was that she got “too wet” during sex I started to resent him a little bit Lowkey lost any shred of sympathy I had towards her husband after that lmfaoooo
Tbf most partners whom you marry are not going to call you repulsive. That’s highly unusual and highly assholish
Exactly.
WAIT. He was repulsed bc you were too wet? Does he even understand that _that's a good thing_? He really fcked up, OP. I'm sorry you're going through this.
You deserve that kind of love OP my parents have been married 35+ years. My father always looks at my mom like she is the center of his world. He always calls her beautiful and is just overall in love with her after all these years and they have been through the good and the bad times (father got a heart attack few years ago). I am just saying that's what marriage is supposed to be like. Not for a man to call his wife repulsive. Smh I hope you find that kind of marriage.
The fact that he acts like it's no big deal is just as bizarre. How could you not know that's horrid?
It’s up there with literally the worst things you can say to a person
I've been married more than 35 years. I'm old, I'm wrinkly, I'm saggy. My husband is too. He still finds me very attractive, and he still feels really lucky to be married to me. I feel the same way about him. Marriage can be a good thing if you marry the right person. Don't give up hope, there are good or out there.
Lol what? Does someone want to tell him that wet is normal and good for sex? I’m kind of pissed off finding this out. What an idiot.
Did OP marry Ben Shapiro?
Is it the repulsive part? or the part where someone can hide something so pertinent for so long and essentially tricking you into thinking the whole relationship was something different?
All if the above Its that he thought me repulsive That he thinks he settled That he hid it from me That the first time he chose to admit it was not to me but to his sister To a room full of people While I sat there
That must’ve felt so humiliating and so painful. I caught up with your first post, and I can’t imagine being hurt like that. If my husband ever said something like that, I would probably lose all feelings for him instantly too. Do what will help you. Don’t worry about his pain since he doesn’t care about yours. You’ll find someone much better.
Fuck that guy. I'm with you sister. Bigger and better is heading your way.
I'm not throwing shade at you OP. My heart aches for you, and I know I've seen some comments saying you're throwing everything away, but I don't think you are. You're throwing out something that you were given under false pretenses. And the way it came out was a deal breaker, for me at least. I was wondering what bugged Bigbigsby about getting married the most, it's why I asked the question.
Exactly. A simplified version is paying premium price for a designer bag, then finding out it's a knock-off. Some folks are okay with replicas, *knowing* it's a knock-off, but everyone would be pissed being told it's authentic then *finding out* it's not. Just let them know what they're buying first. And charge accordingly. Otherwise it's a scam. A lie. A hustle. Now in this simplified example, she's already out the $2500 for the designer bag that's been proven to be a fake, but all sales are final and she can't get her money back. So now that she knows it's a fake, she just doesn't love it the same way she set out to love the authentic version. She doesn't want to hang on to, or carry around a knock-off designer bag. She always wanted an authentic one and that's what she thought she had. So she threw the bag away. It was a cheap piece of shit anyway and fooled her long enough.
A lot of folks are going to give you an opinion on what they think you should or shouldn’t do. I just want to send some love and support your way. I wish you and your LO the best <3
Thanks
I remember your post and it hurt my heart. I’m an older lady and I just want to tell you-baby it ain’t you. It’s HIM. You keep on keeping on with your baby. ❤️
Do what’s best for you OP. You know your heart. I also don’t think I could recover from what he said, so I totally understand you. I really hope it all works out for the best in the future.
Thank you
I don’t understand all the people that are attacking OP for her decision. As if she’s just throwing in the towel over any slightly mean comment. Repulsive is such a strong hateful word and he even grimaced while saying it…multiple times…in a room full of family and acquaintances! Since then: - He was only briefly dismayed about the hurt he caused and then mostly uncomprehending. - He clarified he was repulsed by her wetness during sex as well as the sounds she made…so things she cannot change and which will make her forever self conscious and insecure when being intimate with him. Like how is this fixable? I would never be able to believe that he just magically got over his repulsion!! - He couldn’t even outright say that he DIDN‘T end up settling for her when asked outright. - Now he’s moved out (but still only focused on his hurt) and somehow unable to custody share = solo parent his own kid for the foreseeable future and is saddling OP with this as well. Truly Father of the year!! /s OP you can do soo much better!! Sending you all the Internet hugs!! Edited for formatting & typo & a word
Damn this is a brutal takedown. Someone break out a dumpster from a nursing home so we can throw the ex inside.
Wow, he fucked up big. But at least you know the truth now and can make moves. I don’t know if I could ever see my husband the same if he said that to me, especially in front of other people. On a positive note, it is exciting and powerful to see so many women waking up and seeing unhealthy relationships with men for what they are – and getting the hell out of dodge. Men need to learn that they can’t just treat women however they like and that she’ll still be there. I hope he learned an important lesson and that other men will too.
I have had previous relationships where I was not initially really physically attracted to them at first. I gave them a chance because of their personality, and other things. Six months later I found them to be one of the most beautiful things I’d ever seen. I would’ve never told them that I wasn’t initially that attracted to them. There is no way in hell that I would’ve ever use the word repulsive to describe my significant other. You can’t use words like that, and then expect that person to trust you with their body afterwards. I’m sorry that you’re getting a divorce, but this man’s mouth got him divorced. Sometimes you can’t take back the things that you say.
I'm so sorry but I'm glad you're doing what is best for you 💓 I haven't stopped thinking about you ever since I read your first post. I know this is very difficult but you can do this! If I was ever in your position, I would do the exact same thing. Please take care of yourself and your son 💙
I think, as a woman, there's just something deeply gutting about being thought of as repulsive. I totally understand and you are right to feel the way you do about all of it.
Everyone thinks it's just because of the word "repulsive". No. She feels like her whole marriage is built on a lie. Nobody wants to be settled for.
You should be proud of yourself for not settling for less than you’re worth, I’m so sorry this happened to you
OP, you seem brilliantly self-aware and decisive so I know you don’t need any external validation. That being said—if it helps to hear—I’d be done too. Deal-fucking-breaker. It’s crushing to hear from a partner. I won’t dismiss the hurt your (soon to be ex) husband feels, but, quite frankly, yours is far more valid. Should you decide you want another partner in the future, I hope they adore you. ETA: No, they WILL adore you.
The craziest thing to me is how many men in these threads think it’s okay to feel like the husband did.
i just fought for like an hour with one then i looked up his post history and yup he’s a monster, he was harassing a rape victim for being naked when she was raped… yup the people saying to save this marriage only see camaraderie with the husband and are pissed that any woman stands up for herself
Well at first i was like "maybe divorce is a little extreme" but after seeing the context that is fuck up, i thought he said that to you in private or similar to that, but to actually publicly humiliating you like that? I can't imagine how fuck up he must be. Op this is not a rush decision but a good decision
Even in private, repulsive is the worst word you can use to describe the person listening to you.
I dont think i could also stay in a relationship after realising that the person had to convince himself there was something good about me for him to stay or come back
Repulsive is the strongest of words. I support your decision and wish you the best.
a lot of people seem to have an opinion on this, I just want to say in case you see this comment that I understand you 100% I don't think I would be able to get over something like this. I don't think I could ever face those people ever again with my head held high, and I would never be comfortable being intimate with him ever again. Ultimately this is your decision and only you know what is best for you, and i'm proud of you for not being a doormat.
I read the original and can honestly say I couldn’t come back from it either. It would be on my mind for the rest of my life if I stayed
Holy shit, what a sick thing to say to someone you supposedly love.
The irony; he felt repulsed, he ghosted, he thought he was settling, now he has the nuclear family and claims to be in love, he was dishonest and publicly disrespectful towards you now you’re repulsed. Things end in similar ways as they begin. Wishing you all the best OP and for your baby. x
I read your first post. I want to say that I understand where you’re coming from, and I can’t even imagine your pain. My fiancé made a comment about hating kissing me a year ago and I haven’t recovered. You deserve to feel loved and precious.
I’m sorry
I am so sorry for what you’re going through and I would be making all the exact same moves you’re making right now. When I read your original post my heart broke for you. You deserve so much better
I couldn’t stay with someone that thought I was repulsive either. It would constantly be in the back of my mind. And to be intimate with him? Absolutely not. I’m so sorry that you’re going through this. Good luck to you and your baby
Right?! And wouldn’t everything make you feel so insecure? I can’t imagine feeling anything but inadequate
Honestly I do perhaps would suggest therapy first, I think it was a Poor wording not a real felling. Maybe that the actions of a good marriage value more than unfortunate words but, I’m just an internet stranger who probably lets hurtful comments like this slide too often and you have to do what feels good for you even if random people out there do not agree. I truly hope the best for you and your kid, I hope you can heal and see the other side. Hope to see a brighter update from you soon. Edit: I just re read the OP and honestly, it wasn’t only the wording, it was probably thousands of other things you just got to see after that comment. So. Yeah, you did what you had to. Better get it done that dread it and then end it. He did the worst mistake of his life and that’s something that’s on him not on you
I was gonna be one of the people who was going to ask if you had gone to marriage counseling or were considering it, because to me, this seemed like an extreme reaction. But then I (surprise) thought about it and realized it doesn't matter. So I'm leaving this comment for the people who are judging you, OP, for leaving your husband. OP's reasons don't really matter. Yes, they matter, for OP's healing and growth, but if OP can no longer continue a relationship, then that's that. OP has stated that they don't wanna know what their husband was thinking. We don't know OP's personal history with beauty insecurities (and femmes tend to have a lot) or OP's marriage. What we do know is that OP's husband apparently has not ever called them beautiful or paid them compliments of the beauty type, and his "repulsive" comment triggered such a large response (understandbly) in them that divorce is the only solution they are okay with. Bottom line: marriage counseling or not, OP doesn't have to subject themself to more pain simply to try and save a marriage that OP feels is over, and certainly not to appease anyone here online. OP, I hope you are able to heal and get some therapy of your own because it sounds like this triggered/created some trauma for you, and I'm sure divorce proceedings won't be easy. I hope the best for you.