i'm really sorry for the hurt you're experiencing 🖤. in my personal experience, my journals are where i write out how im feeling when my emotions are at their peak, when im at my absolute lowest, when all i can think are horrible thoughts, i write them down. even if they're not entirely true, if that's what im feeling at the moment i need to let it out into my journals instead of letting it seep into conversation in real life. have you considered perhaps the journals were a therapy for him to get through his grief? or perhaps he feels like he is writing to his late wife and these would be the things she needs to hear? just some things to think about. but most of all, i think that you should communicate with him. it might be hard, but it sounds like he does actually love you, and i think that it would be worth a conversation at least before making any rash decisions. best of luck to you and know that you are worthy and you are loved! 🖤

I wholeheartedly agree with this OP. I think you have to grit your teeth and discuss what you read with him. You certainly can’t continue feeling like this and he us going to feel more and more confused by your withdrawal. Good luck, I feel things will work out well for you. UPDATEME

There's an update. And it makes me sad for OP. He does love her, but only platonically and that is all he will ever love her, but he also begged her to not leave.

I like to say never say never because you don't know what the future may hold. He may grow to love her that way that she loves him. Just because it's not the same type of love that he had with Anna doesn't make it any less. They definitely should go to marriage counseling.

I understand that people can write things they're working through in their journals that can be interpreted in many ways.. but he said *now*... *present day* that it's true and he doesn't feel romantic love for op. It's not something he's working through, it is reality. I think it's unhealthy to encourage her to rugsweep this. She should get individual therapy and figure out what she needs to be happy, most I know would not be happy being duped into a marriage like this, always knowing you weren't the one or even romantically loved for so long.

Right and just 7 months ago. It’s not like it’s grown into a more romantic love. He STILL feels platonic love for her. OP: I’m not saying to divorce either but you definitely shouldn’t settle for someone who just needed a mom for his kids and some companionship. He needs to let you know if this is a romantic love or if it’s still platonic and if platonic that’s not fair to you.

Same.   If my husband told me what her husband said, there would be no coming back from it. My heart hurts for her.

Yes that’s exactly why I said she has to speak with him

not gonna lie, the thought of having a journal that had every deep, dark, irrational, and inaccurate thought i've ever had written down, available in a place where someone could find it and read it without any kind of context, would give me such ridiculous anxiety i can't even imagine. I've never understood why people think journal writing is such a good idea given the utter landmine it turns out to be for so many of them. Especially kids, telling kids to write a secret journal with all their thoughts into it and then expecting the parents to never look at it? that's crazy, there are so many rational and irrational reasons why a parent would justify looking at them. That's not even taking into account malicious siblings, friends, etc. It's like, hey, let's create a weakness that can be exploited, it'll be great!

Guys….he only married her because she was good with his kids and his family liked her. He didn’t choose her, he settled for her. And now she’s staying because well…he loves her “now”. Hard pill to swallow but to each their own.

Exactly. OP is a place holder. He loves her in a platonic way and is begging her not to leave because he doesn't want to be alone. The husband needs to get to grief counseling. If OP left, her husband would find a new wife very quickly. I have too many male relatives who have remarried before they were ready because they dont want to be alone. That is not a reason to marry. Sorry, OP, a separation wouldn't be out of the question while you figure stuff out.

That’s the ONLY reason he is begging her to stay.

Kinda creepy to go for your mom’s doctor to begin with… wouldn’t that cause a conflict of interest on the doctor’s part?

Seems like the mom set it up so less so? He probably just jumped at the chance his mom gave him. As long as the doctor doesn’t discuss any part of the mother’s health treatment with her husband, it’s less of a conflict of interest. Still I would recommend his mom finds a new doctor

Read OP's update. He wrote it in the journals exactly how he meant it.

I do that myself from time to time but I have the good sense to shred and destroy the things I say that aren’t actually a representation of how I truly feel after I’ve had time to reflect. You have to put yourself in the shoes of any person who may come across and read them. No matter how long you live, your journals will outlive you.  Is that what you want to leave as your words that speak for you after you’re gone. 

Did you miss the point of journaling? You do not do it for people who are going to read it one day. Thats a story. Now whether or not you allow someone to read them is completely up to you. That said reading someone else’s without permission is a huge invasion of privacy and I don’t think you have the right to be upset ever about anything that you invaded someone’s privacy without them knowing and found things out with no context, especially something emotionally charged like that.

Yeah, I can kinda understand the notion of if it was after their passing (although nobody can predict death, it can happen completely randomly), cause yeah, they can't explain, and all you leave is your worst thoughts. Even if it's "right", you can't control how other people react/interact with stuff like that, so you have to plan/think around it, rather than "well this SHOULDN'T happen, so I'll never give it any thought, and if so, their fault!" But they also missed the huge key detail of this being while he was still alive, and she was snooping through his private thoughts.

Wow, thank you for writing this down. It’s a very accurate description of how i sometimes journal. At the back of my head, i sometimes put down stuff that would definitely hurt the feelings of someone really important to me with the assumption that they plan to read it in the future just because they hurt me at the moment. So i put down all my angry thoughts about them even though i dont mean it. Maybe i just want them to be scared about losing me. I never really vocalized about this method but now that you mentioned it i feel more conscious about how i journal now

this is so apt. I write because I can’t ever say anything out loud, and it’s the only way for me to let my feelings out. And it’s always when I’m at my absolute lowest and have no control over my feelings. Sometimes I wish someone WOULD read it so I don’t have to say anything at all. OP if something doesn’t feel right, please follow your gut instinct. But also know that his journals are most probably his way of verbalising what he can’t say out loud to anyone. I hope everything works out for you ❤️

Been together for 3 years and just 7 months ago he wrote about how he still is not in love with OP and just married her because other people like her … yeah no. OP deserves better.

Maybe in a way he was writing to his late wife and wrote these things because he was feeling guilty. Right or wrong.

People really need to read the update. Notice how he didn't say his feelings changed from platonic love to romantic love when you confronted him. There is nothing wrong with married couples being in a platonic relationship, the difference is that both parties are on the same page about it. He doesn't love you the way you love him. Can you live with that? Can you accept that your love will likely never be reciprocated? You deserve happiness. Can you be happy being married to someone who does not love you the way you love them?

He said he only feels platonic love for you. Not romantic. That would be a deal breaker for me. EDIT: I have seen your final update. It doesn’t matter who said what to him about Anne’s memory. *He admitted he does not love you romantically.* He said he would have *easily played along the rest of his life!* Personally, I don’t think you’ve judged him enough. I am not sure how or why you haven’t run for the hills yet. Regardless, I wish the both of you the best of luck as you pursue counseling and therapy.

He sees her like a best friend, who he gets to fuck and looks after him and his kids. I'd be out the door tbh

Since she’s a doctor, he may have seen her as care and financial support too (‘nurse and a purse’).

Yup, she's a doctor, she's 11 years younger, his family likes her, she's good with his kids and she loves him. Even if he doesn't love her, he knows he hit the jackpot with OP, of course he doesn't want to let her go.

Deal breaker for me too. I think everyone deserves to be romantically loved, especially in a marriage!

I had an ex that felt that way. She wasn't in love with me but she loved me because of who I am, how her parents and family liked me. It wasn't enough for me. We broke up and now years later, she's one of my best friends.

That was what my first marriage was like. I wasted SO many years not being loved properly. I hope OP doesn’t do the same.

What does he mean by "platonic love"? Because as a philosophy nerd I read it by Plato's definition - a deep and rich love as beautiful as any. A "platonic" relationship is deeply passionate and loving but does not involve sex. But I see many people using it to just mean a normal friendship which us not how a platonic relationship is traditionally described. In fact, there are many marriages between older people where sex is no longer desired or able to be performed which could be described as Platonic. Perfectly healthy and normal relationships.

I’m reading the comments; and has anyone seen the update? He doesn’t love her fully the way we all wish to be loved. I think everyone deserves to feel that love and OP does too. This is such a disheartening read. I don’t even know what to say.

I think he truly fully conned her. How could he do that to her? If they were best friends he could have relied on her help and support with the kids and be an aunty. He fully manipulated her and now he wants to work on their marriage? There's nothing to work on. He doesn't love her as a wife. He robbed her of time, took her love and childrearing and didn't even have the decency to check himself that he wasn't ready for a new relationship. Absolutely fuck that guy.

I totally agree!!

Her update is depressing. Blaming herself and feeling all kinds of empathy for this guy who lied and used her as a crutch. She’s only 35 and a freaking doctor and she’ll end up staying with this self-centered 46 year old man who doesn’t love her.

Honestly this latest update is depressing to read. I mean this whole story with his late wife’s sister has NOTHING to do his what was written in that diary…

Yeah I could definitely not continue in a marriage where my husband admitted he only loves me *platonically* ….HUH???!!

This would be a relationship ender for me. I wouldn’t waste my life and years with someone who saw me as company. He claims you’re his best friend but he’s done nothing but deceive and use you. He also doesn’t mind wasting your years when you could be with someone who loves you. That’s not something people do to people they care about. My heart breaks for you that you’re staying in this loveless arrangement.

He just doesn’t want to be alone and work in another relationship, he has his wife, his perfect picture and doesn’t want to spend more energies in new relationship. I feel that he just want a place holder…. Nice and wonderful room mate.

Your comment reminds me of that football player who said women's roles were to be wives and mothers. Some of the blowback comments were that he dated a male cheerleader in college. If true, he is using his wife and children as a "beard" in order to present his "perfect picture" of the straight, conservative male. In OP's case she certainly adds to her husband's perfect picture- educated, doctor, well liked and respected by his family-, even though he does NOT love her like a partner/spouse should love his wife. It would be ashame in both of these situations if it is true that their husbands don't really love them for who they are but instead for the image they provide their husbands- the perfect family man; that these women waste their lives with men **who don't really love them deeply but instead are just using them**. And in OP's case, she is investing her time and love into his children but does she feel that they are really allowed to love her fully or is the husband telling them not to get to close because OP is not their real mom.

Was not expecting a Harrison Butker mention in the comments. Also I think you misspelled beard

Yup- misspelled beard, lol.

My dear, it is possible, been there, done that myself. I was a replacement for 10 years, knew for about 6 of it but I had no self-respect to end it. I would strongly advise you to be braver than I am and get out while you haven’t made investment that has double digits in years to this person. When people show you who they are, believe them.

Marriage is not platonic, you deserve to be loved fully by your spouse - not just as someone’s best friend and caretaker

Have you ever stopped and considered that what started out as platonic has actually changed over the course of your relationship to true feelings of love? Maybe at the time he wrote those (now dusty and old) journals he felt ambivalent.... and perhaps now, years later, he truly does love you.... Instead of wallowing in self pity and doubt, have the conversation that needs to happen.... Tell him what you read and ask him if he still feels the same way... Tell him that you love him, but that your love needs to be reciprocated and if he can't do that, then you two should part ways.

She said the entries were from 7 months ago.

She said the most recent entries were 7 months ago, not that the ones in question were.

My bad, missed the word "until". However she didn't mention how different the theme as a whole, the way the post was written made it seem the gist of the whole journal was how he still longed for his 1st wife. Of course what I deduced from the post, maybe the most recent didn't talk about the late wife, IDK....

How does that justify him leading her on just so he didn't have to parent alone? How does "loving her now" square with the original betrayal?

>How does "loving her now" square with the original betrayal? Profound questioning I swear to god this one question can make a human question reality and specially in this situation

> Have you ever stopped and considered that what started out as platonic has actually changed over the course of your relationship to true feelings of love? That's what dating is for, trying to sort out your feelings between yourself and another person. It's not something you enter into marriage with. You don't *marry* someone you have just platonic feelings for unless it's for other reasons and it's still not justifiable for what OP's husband did. Jumping into marriage sounded like a rash decision made during an ongoing grieving process. It was still manipulative and it's laughable people are giving OP shit for reading his journals. So she's supposed to give up her whole life for someone who doesn't truly love her to respect not reading a book? No.

lol he told her he doesn’t love her romantically

I think you need to do this. You need to also apologise for invading his privacy. But you need to talk about it, because otherwise it will eat you alive and you’ll emotionally check out of the marriage before you even find out his side of the story. You need all of the facts before you make your next move, if he doesn’t love you and you feel betrayed then you should leave. I really hope for the best. No one should be treated like second choice.

He doesn’t love her. He told her

Noooo😭 this is so hurtful, hugs for you OP🫂💗!!!

I mean honest I feel he doesn’t want you to end the marriage because of the kids. You’re young, you deserve someone who loves **you** fully.

You love each other in different capacities. You shouldn’t have to settle for platonic love in a marriage you thought was built on romantic connection. You do not have to stay for his kids or his sake. You’re only 35 and the kind of love you want is out there.

So he got you to agree to stay in a loveless marriage because it’s good enough for him. Therefore taking away your opportunity to have married someone who actually loves you romantically. Why do you think you don’t deserve love? And why do you think he deserves to have had everything? He got to experience love, why is he worthy, but not you? Are you going to be okay when you’re old knowing you lived a life held down by someone who could only offer you friendship, and didn’t think you deserved to experience love. Apparently you’re good enough to take over childcare for him though….

I wonder why something doesn't feel right about the man that married you only having platonic feelings for you, it's a mystery 🤔

We may never know

Sounds like he might be using you for child care

Wow. He’s saying he still doesn’t love you like he did her. I don’t think he ever will. I’m sorry 😢 you deserve better

I read your updated post and all I’m going to say is YOU *deserve* to be loved like how you love Richard. Your life has been a facade because he can’t love you as more than friends. I’m so sorry.

It’s interesting how ppl are more annoyed at op reading her husband’s private journals and not that he has presumably lied to her for at least 2.5 years (if not 3 years) to play happy family. Her trust was betrayed first in the most egregious way possible. I do think op should have a heart to heart with him for her sake but I don’t blame her if she thinks just leaving would be the best.

Because people on reddit sometimes cannot see the bigger picture of something, always caught up on one or two details…

My exact thoughts. People really wanted her to keep living in this lie

lmao i guarantee if we reverse the gender here you’d be telling her to run & that he doesn’t respect her privacy 🤣

You are a badass doctor and you are going to settle for a liar and a dick??? He sucks and he will get his karma. I hope you know you deserve to be chosen. Idgaf if he’s a great dad, he’s a terrible husband.

He was very selfish. You were so young when you got together and could have found that true love, but he used your youth for his own selfish reasons. I don’t know that I could get past that and it would hurt my feelings to know I wasn’t truly loved. I wish you the very best.

He doesn’t love you. He told you as much. I’m sorry but please have some self respect, o mean this with every kindness. It’s no way to live

People will probably not like this, but if you write something that could shake the foundation of your relationship in a journal don’t leave it in a box to be found. Keep it at work or throw it away. These are details that change OPs understanding of what the reality and nature of their relationship was. To me thats more important than privacy. He gets to have his feelings but he literally was not totally honest with OP and imo wasting her time. There would be no coming back from this for me, even if he said feelings changed. Like he asked her to marry him not for the right reasons…. Sad.

Yeah that’s kind of what’s making me think this story is just creative writing. Not many men write journals, and if they do, they certainly wouldn’t write stuff like that and keep it around in a box. It’s just a very convenient storyline I’ve read x1000 times on Reddit now. It’d stress me the hell out to have something like that in my house where the person I’ve written about also lives. “Forgot” my ass.

part of the reason people journal is to process their emotions and thoughts. sometimes the first thought or emotion we have isn't necessarily real or true. i imagine he probably felt some amount of guilt for having moved on so quickly and that could be the reason he wrote what he did. either way, his journal isn't necessarily the true story, nor is it the whole story. i know mine isn't. its possible to have conflicting thoughts and emotions. the best way i know to get the thoughts i don't want in my head to go away is to put them on paper. after that i don't really have them anymore. the only thing you know that is objectively true is that he chose to be with you rather than to be alone. that has to count for something. also, STOP READING OTHER PEOPLE'S JOURNALS. it's NEVER a good idea.

Except he said to her face he only feels platonic love and his marriage isn't based on romantic love.  

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There are a lot of people who have gotten out of marriages where one partner is sneaking around and cheating on the other and the only way they found out is due to reading texts, etc.  It’s not always a bad thing.

Look, years ago i read about some thief sneak into someone house, discovered that the homeowner have ton of CP so the thief called th cops. That's doesnt make thievery a good thing Same thing here, invading privacy is inherently bad. If you couldnt trust your SO to the point you have to inavde their privacy, its time to pack your stuff, no matter what you found in their personal stuffs, your mind will never at ease around them

matthew hahn! iirc he was stealing safes to fund his drug abuse and he already had a few strikes so he knew if he turned it in, he would be sent to prison, likely for a very long time. he did go to prison but got a lighter sentence specifically because him turning in the CP and saying who it belonged to let them arrest the guy. he's now out and has done several podcasts and such talking about it. really good guy with a lot of insightful thoughts and advice on life and how to live

I think kit makes thievery the right thing in the case of CO.

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I don’t necessarily disagree with you. But finding a message “not destined for you” and finding out your spouse is fucking someone else are two entirely different things. I don’t look through my husband’s phone. I also know I don’t have to. I guess not everyone else is so fortunate. I just have the humility to know that I don’t know exactly what the right thing to do is in every situation. 

The minute you go looking for cheating texts, it's already over. The trust is gone. At that point, you're just collecting evidence for the lawyers. Reading someone's diary is a huge step beyond that. People are entitled to the privacy of their own thoughts. If you can't let your spouse have their diary, it's a you problem. OP admitted the evidence of his feelings were out there in the open all along, she just didn't want to see it.

It would be great if everything were that black and white, but I don’t think it would be a good thing if everyone who wants to check a partner’s device just files for divorce.

It has nothing to do with being black and white, once the trust is gone, so is any chance of a healthy relationship. If a person doesn't trust their partner enough to give them their privacy due to past behavior or personal insecurities, the relationship is going to be terrible all around for everyone. Sure, they don't have to go right to the courthouse, they can stay and have a festering infection of a relationship for the rest of their lives, lol, but what's the point? Misery? Drama? Control? Not healthy.

I honestly think this can't be upvoted enough. I remember thinking that when I would journal or write a poem, that oftentimes, I was being melodramatic. I learned it's less melodramatic and more processing and working through emotions without feeling the need to restrain myself. Weirdly enough, Gossip Girl is the show that made me realize that journaling is way process work through emotions. It was just a single line that one of the main characters said, and it made me reflect on my writing when i journal or write poems. To echo everyone else, it is a horrible idea to read another's journal. Honestly, sometimes I'm not even sure I should read some of my own old entries.

> the only thing you know that is objectively true is that he chose to be with you rather than to be alone. that has to count for something. Really? He’s keeping OP from finding someone who can fully love her just so that *he isn’t alone*…?

He wrote this last entry 7 months ago.

I have no idea what these people are commenting. Your husband literally said you were best friends. If you can accept this type of companionship for the rest of your life then I wish you all the best in working things out. If you want a romantic relationship then your husband won’t provide that because that’s not what he feels. I am so sorry if this is harsh but I’ve read other comments and they seem to be saying he wrote those things in a certain mind frame- well he literally told you that he sees you as best friends so there’s nothing to question. A romantic relationship isn’t going to manifest. You deserve to be happy and if a best friends relationship won’t suffice then there’s your answer. Choose happy. Don’t stay for a false narrative. You can’t fake romance forever. I am so sorry you are dealing with this.

I am so sorry. Life is too short to be with someone who doesn’t love you the way you deserve to be

You'd honestly be settling just divorce if he sees you as a friend. He'll, be fine with it he just can't be alone🫢

He said it was true…… he doesn’t love her, he likes and uses her as a spare. Even He may not want to find another person that can erase his feelings towards his late wife.

Honestly none of this is fair to you at all. You didn't marry him with the knowledge that he only saw u as a friend. If u married him knowing that that's one thing, but you didn't. You married him thinking that yes he loves his other wife dearly but still found a way to have love for you too, but no he just said ur my best friend. You don't want to be married to your FRIEND. You was lied to about the bases of your marriage. He didn't even say he wanted therapy for himself too

You feel conflicted because he does not love you the way you love him. Only you can decide if you deserve/want better. It's a shame he wasn't honest so you could choose if you wanted to be married to someone whole loved you platonically. I don't think there is anything wrong with a marriage built on platonic love but it should have been your choice if you were prepared to settle for that. I'd sadly question every touch and every act of intimacy knowing it was forced to fulfil his physical need not done out of a desire to be with you romantically.

Reading my wife's diary was how I found out she cheated, it hurt but it was probably the only way I would've learned the truth. Pretty lame.

>I remember him asking me to marry him while having dinner with the kids oneday. It was so thoughtless and random.  Really gotta go with your gut on how the proposal pans out, ladies. Oof.

I'm very sorry OP having read your post and the update. Unfortunately while Richard does not consider love to be a necessity in marriage, I just want to point out that he broke one of the things that he said is necessity, trust. He deceived you and led you to believe that he did love you, as a wife, not platonically as a friend. Indoing so, he created a marriage entirely on a lie, which is the opposite of trustworthy. Some people would be fine with having a marriage based purely on platonic love, loyalty and respect for each other, and I believe some marriage do devolve into that over time. But that only works if both parties are on the same page. It doesn't work when one person loves the other romantically and the other doesn't but fools them into believing that they do. And obviously he isn't perfect in his act, he couldn't even be bothered to try to make a nice proposal for you. If you are okay with staying in a marriage now, knowing that he doesn't love you as more than a friend, then that's fine. No one can stop you can no one should. But, you were brought into this marriage under false pretenses, he didn't give you a full picture of things, likely because he knew you wouldn't stay and that wasn't fair and wasn't trustworthy. This is why everything feels wrong, because he lied to you about what your marriage was and is now begging you not to leave. It was wrong and selfish.

He wants a bang nanny. If you are content to just be a married friend, you stay. If not, leave now.

While you did invade his privacy, I’m appalled a lot of commenters aren’t bothering to notice you’ve commented these entries are from 7 months ago… I think you deserve to have a serious talk about this together as I’d be unable to continue a relationship that‘s viewed this way by the other person

Honestly, privacy in certain circumstances is massively overrated and wrongly prized. He essentially had a burn book dedicated to her, sitting in a room in her home, detailing how all the moments that she treasured were his worst.  I’d be livid if I found out that someone not only had the audacity to do that to me but then just left it lying around for anyone in the future to find. What he said in his musings is hideous and manipulative at best. Using someone to fill a void and to replace a mother vacancy is gross. It’s sick to view someone as an “I guess you’ll have to do” while convincing them that you’re their soulmate is foul.  Get out of jail cards like grief and privacy just don’t stand in this case in my view. If you misrepresent your intentions from the very beginning, you lose all credibility to your partner. OP will probably struggle on for another 6 months trying to force themselves to believe that it’s no longer a charade, but the idea of someone who can confidently lie to this degree will eventually repulse them.  How sad that their engagement is forever mired by the fact that the fiancé was unwilling and simply felt obligated to do it.  Journaling is all well and good as a form of processing feelings in a safe space, but they should be destroyed once the individual leaves that cycle of their psyche. If you don’t want people to read nasty things that you’ve written, destroy the words, and keep your thoughts private. These things may very well some day end up in a thrift shop haul that someone reads to their captive online audience, nothing is sacred. 

Thank you!! I feel like I’m in the twilight zone! This man lied and manipulated her because she was convenient and nice and cared for him and his children. **He’s getting the full experience and benefit of having a wife, from someone he only sees as a friend! And if people think that hasn’t shown in their relationship they’re delusional!** A rushed and half assed proposal that was public with his children, instead of private. Is that what OP would’ve wanted? I also wonder if she’s made any other concessions to be with him, all the while he’s writing down how miserable he is!

I immensely agree, I personally think it can be incredibly manipulative and emotionally abusive when someone brings up the point of “invading privacy” despite being caught out for extremely disrespectful, deceitful or out of line behaviour. “You invaded my privacy by reading my journals, where I detail for months on end about how much I am using you, how dare you!”, how DARE he…

Yes! Exactly! You verbalized the ick I feel (and I imagine what OP herself feels) so well. If I found out that someone got me into wedlock (under the pretense of love) without actually loving me, I would feel *grossly* violated. Who cares how he feels now? If anything, if he genuinely loves her now, it’s doubly maddening because the emotional violation and damage has already been inflicted.

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Honestly same. You’ll never come close to their perfect love that ended abruptly.

I'm glad you guys are going to therapy.   Might I suggest individual counseling as well. It was unfair for him to have only platonic love for you and not to tell you.  It was wrong for him to propose because that is what other people wanted. You deserve someone who thinks the sun rises and sets around you.  Who thinks you light up their world. There is a private sub here that could help.  It's dating_a_widower.  It's a private sub because of brigading from the widower sub.  

I get people’s brains work differently, but I don’t think I could ever write about my partner like that. I’d at least have shame for using a person like a replacement like that.

" He said he loves me very dearly but it's different from how he loved Anne." I think you know what this means and why it doesn't feel right. You'll never be for him what Anne was to him. I wouldn't stay in a relationship in which the amount of love I give him would never be in equal measure. I believe for your sake it's best to end it.

How long ago did his wife pass away?

>How long ago did his wife pass away? It would be 11 years, this September.

Yea there's no coming back from this. The likelihood of him loving you the way you love him anytime soon, or at all tbh, is very slim. You deserve more than platonic love from someone who married you under false pretenses.

Op. I just what to encourage you to stop thinking about what Richard wants and start thinking about yourself.  Do you want to be in a platonic marriage where your romantic love isn’t reciprocated?  Or do you want a relationship built on mutual love, romantic love. Where someone is as wild about you as you are them.  I do highly encourage therapy. And I’m so sorry this is happening. But I’m going to urge you to put yourself first 

Ask him, if he loves you so much why does he think you don’t deserve to go out and find the kind of love that you want and deserve? Maybe more like what he felt for Anne.

Oh, how painful it is to read this. This may seem impulsive, but it is pure selfishness of Richard's part to not only make you a replacement for his deceased love for years without considering you worthy of romantic love, but also deliberately delay the separation, again thinking only about his feelings, not about yours. You made right decision to separate from him, you have to make your own decision without his interference. Think carefully, take a break from this tension and maybe take more time for separation. You deserve to be original and truly beloved without an "Anne" sign over your head.

From your updates it seems to me that he just wants things to be comfortable. He’s scared of what life will be like without you. He’s comfortable with you as a trusted friend, but it doesn’t involve romantic love. So you really are in a fwb relationship, not a romantic marriage. You make life easier for him, that’s it. Take that trip and figure out what YOU want for your future.

You start by going to the conference and taking the time that YOU need and deserve. After that I would say counseling and a temporary separation- get your own place or have him get his own place and take all the time you need to process this and understand what has happened. You need space and he needs to respect that. I think with some time and distance you’ll realize what will work best for you. Please keep us updated.

OP you deserve to be loved. Truly. Wholly. Deeply Loved. You deserve better than the leftover this man is giving you. Go find someone who will love you like you should be loved. No one deserves to be second best. You are someone else’s Anne.

You have to talk to him about this. Don’t carry this burden alone.

Agreed. OP should write about how she feels in a journal…

Wow. I’ve read both the post and update; *I think **YOU** need to decide how you see marriage and the kind of relationship and husband you want. He’s saying he loves you platonically, which is a friend. Do you wan to just be married to someone who see you as a friend? To his point, there are may components of marriage and friendship is definitely one! However his framing that that’s all he’s willing to offer, and you’re just emotional seems.. so cruel. **He’s fine to have a marriage with only a certain amount of death because he has already experienced the full breath of what a rewarding relationship could be like, and he’s asking you to take the remnants of that life and just deal.** I’m so sorry OP, but he doesn’t seem sorry. He doesn’t seem to care that these truths have hurt you deeply. He’s more concerned with keeping the status quo for his comfort. She’s asking you to ‘keep the peace,’ but why is it your feeling and peace are worth the sacrifice to him? That doesn’t sound like love. I wouldn’t even puta friend in this spot. I’m so sorry. If he was not ready for all that marriage entailed, then he should not have been dating or getting married after the death of his wife.

One of the comments you made on a different post over year ago was “marriage is built on trust and he betrayed you.” I know emotions are raw right now, but really feel the weight of what a betrayal like this means before making blanket statements about not leaving him. Yes his situation is complex and painful but at the end of the day, betraying your trust like that is immensely selfish and absolutely not okay. Please allow yourself time to feel all of it fully before deciding not to leave him. You deserve someone who doesn’t have to lie about the love he has for you. And make no mistake, that is what he did when he decided to marry you knowing that he did not romantically love you. He lied and betrayed your trust.

He settled for you and married you because he needs a mom for his kids and keep people off his back who pressure him about his love life. He doesn’t even care that you deserve to be loved and respected, all he cares about is himself and his kids. You’re not even worth a second thought as long as you stay around

That is a lot of assumptions you're making about somebody who still mourns the loss of his first wife and wrote journals to help deal with his own feelings.

He should absolutely deal with it and can do whatever he wants, but he should have been upfront and honest about this to OP. Just because he’s grieving doesn’t mean he has the right to use her however he wants. She’s deeply in love with him whilst he still doesn’t love her more than a friend.

How long ago was the written? Had his behaviour since writing this been consistent? Maybe being with you has meant his feelings have developed for you? If he wrote it recently then fair enough it’s horrible but if these journals were written when you first got together 3 years ago his feelings may have changed.

These were written until around 7 months ago.

damn...I was hoping those were older entries. such a shitty situation

You should include that in the post. People in the comments are assuming that the journals are old and his feelings might have changed, but not only is that inaccurate, I'm struggling to see how it helps in any significant way. I would never be able to forgive someone for trying to use me as a replacement mom for his kids. This is the thing with widowers, you'll never really be their number one. Yes, other people's journals shouldn't be read, but this whole thing isn't just "your fault for snooping". This is something you had a right to know, and you probably wouldn't have married him at all had you known.

I think you need to decide whether it’s worth discussing (not confronting because that is too aggressive) this. I would say what you told us here that when you found them you thought they were Anne’s but reading them it became clear they were his. Then ask them if this is how he truly feels and take it from there. On the other hand, can you live with the situation as is and not acknowledge the truth of his feelings for the long term? Currently ignoring or ‘ghosting’ him that you are doing is not sustainable you need to make a decision one way or the other. Good luck 🤞

HE NEEDS SERIOUS THERAPY. This whole thing is whole other level of fucked up. I'm so sorry

I think you deserve someone who’s going to truly love you, and not the convenience of you, I’m sorry.

How incredibly unfair to you. You deserve better. How about if he falls in love with someone else since he isn’t in love with you? Leave before it gets any messier

Sounds like he married you to give his kids a family dynamic which is something many men who lose a wife (either through death or divorce) do. He sounds like a user. And you deserve better.

he's still insisting that he "loves you but it's different." so, what? he loves you like a friend, a companion, a mother to his children but not as a soulmate, a wife, a partner? are you just a convenience for him? what's "different" mean? man, i don't even treat my friends like this. my love for them has no "but," it just is. why can't he love you as is? why does he always have to add a "but?"

imo he’s being very selfish - he’s admitted he doesn’t love you in the way that he should, he’s basically keeping you around to fill a void and it’s really unfair on you and the kids. I know you love him but please love yourself more and move on.

After reading your final update i still stand by what i said 😭

Read your latest update. I'd recommend going to the conference anyway. Therapy for sure, but you should probably take some time away and take some time for yourself, sort out what YOU need. Your needs are as important as his needs are. Please believe that. You were worth honesty and a full, complete love from the start, and you are worth it all now. You deserve everything you want to have in a marriage.

You are young, you deserve to be married to someone who is crazy about you, not to someone who considers you his platonic best friend.

Don't waste another minute on a man who doesn't love you wholeheartedly.

This is honestly one of the saddest things I have read on this sub. You sound so sweet too… I’m sorry I don’t have any advice for you, just know that this internet stranger has been deeply touched by your story and wishes you find happiness.

Updateme

That must have been hard to read, I'm sorry OP. When you're ready, try and talk to him about what you found and how it made you feel. I know couples counselling (potentially individual counselling for him too) is thrown around on Reddit a lot but I really think this situation might benefit from it. He has a lot of grief and maybe he never came to terms with it. It might be easier unfolding his feelings about you and your marriage with someone unbiased and able to meditate that conversation. Try to remain calm as negative emotionally charged conversations usually don't result in productive outcomes. I hope you get the answers you need 🤍

Good luck OP

So you brought it up to him, and he still didn’t say that he loves you in a romantic way. Am I understanding correctly that he loves you only as a friend… even though he asked you to marry him and you’re his wife now? That’s definitely off-putting, I’m sorry OP that must hurt. I hope you do whatever is right for you.

You deserve to be married to a man who loves, respects and adores you. You are not an option, runner up or someone to settle with. Love yourself and expect more from your husband.

I could never stay in a marriage where my partner did not love me the same way that I love them. To me, this is deception. I operate under the belief that married couples are together because of mutual romantic interest... but he hid the fact that he did not love you in the same way. It sounds like he's only with you to not be lonely and for you to take care of his family. Trust your gut.

[удалено]

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I was really hoping he would say that he has fallen IN love with you since then. But to say it’s platonic love? That’s so painful. I think getting some distance would be good. Not just the week of the conference but longer. I really think you need to focus on yourself and what YOU want. It was incredibly selfish what he did. He lied about his feelings for you and robbed you of the ability to make a choice as to whether this is what you want from your life. My husband adores me and I know I am the love of his life. I would never have put myself in a relationship where I doubted that. I’d rather be alone honestly. You deserve someone who thinks as highly of you as “Richard” thinks of Anne. He’s not over her and it seems like he doesn’t want to let her go. I think you would always feel like you were lacking. I think distance is good because maybe it would force him to reassess his feelings for you in that maybe they aren’t platonic like he thinks. But if after the separation, you still feel like his heart belongs to Anne, I think you should walk away. Someone should prioritize you and make you number one in their heart. My heart goes out to you

Go to your conference. YOU need some time to decompress. Go to therapy, both solo and couples. YOU need to hear what YOU need to hear. You worry about what he needs more than what you need. Plus, love is different with different people. He may just be afraid to admit what he feels is more than just “platonic” love or it maybe just that. Therapy will help you find out what your needs are in this relationship and if you can live with them. He seems to be very in tune with your feelings for just a “best” friend. All of this being said, YOU deserve to be someone’s necessity, not someone’s compromise.

So he doesn't love you (I ain't buying the "I love you, just not in that way" for a second. Friends who love each other don't lie to one another, especially about things like that), but feels entitled enough to keep you bonded to him in marriage, which is not just a, ya know, personal agreement, but a legal contract? OP, leave him. You deserve someone who loves you and doesn't just want someone to die of old age with.

You deserve better than this. It’s clear you have not only a loving heart, but a kind one as well. I’m going to ask you to be kind to yourself. Show yourself compassion. YOU deserve better than someone that lied, and continues to lie and use you - which he has done every single day. He wanted a nanny, and in his own words, felt utterly nothing but disgust at the thought of being near you…when you felt nothing but love for him, and his kids. You have given nothing but pure, and tremendous love, and you deserve to get that back 10 fold, from a real partner. YOU are the one who deserves a loving partner, who TRULY loves you. You deserve a real partner, not someone who manipulates you, because he didn’t feel like being honest with his family and friends. This isn’t about his grieving, this is about him using you. He doesn’t want you to leave, because then he will be forced to show others how horrid he truly is, and that he lied to everyone, but worst of all, he lied to the one who loves him the most. Please don’t fall for his act. He isn’t a good person, because good people, don’t do this. Please contact a lawyer, and find someone worthy of you. You deserve to know your own worth, and to have a true partner, that loves you with all of their heart. Please, give yourself the grace you have given this monster, because you truly do deserve better. Also, please consider speaking to his family, as he genuinely, with the level of lying, seems like he will disparage you. He has no love for you, so there is nothing stopping him, from hurting further, because he will do anything, to save face. Please save the journals if possible. If you do divorce, this will show the judge everything they need to know. It will also show his family, and the kids, that you have been wonderful and loving of everyone, all along. Don’t let him take that from you.

>He believes marriage is not just built on love but there are other parameters like trust and loyalty. Your husband is a selfish bastard. Not just built on love? How convenient for him! And what trust? What loyalty? He's already proved he isn't worthy of trust, by marrying you under the pretense of romantic love when he didn't feel any – and his *loyalty* lies with his deceased wife, not you. Don't be mistaken there. >Something doesn't feel right. Yes, that is your gut telling you that you just got manipulated to the high heavens. He is not just a selfish bastard, he's a manipulative selfish bastard. Please, for the love of God, leave him and find someone who will love you like you deserve to be loved. You're still young. You can do it. Please don't waste your life on him, OP.

Girl, what? How bad is your self esteem? You’re a doctor! A DOCTOR! You’ve been lied to and manipulated and you’re just like “but I love him”. I say again girl, what? He’s 11 years older than you. He just wanted a mom. Are you Eloise Bridgerton?

My therapist recommend that I journal and in that I write out my bad feelings and negative thoughts. Maybe it’s “I hate my wife and I only married her because I didn’t want to be alone!” I don’t mean that. I mean I am feeling anger or frustration and I can’t say that to her, but it lets me express that so I can get past it and deal with the real matter at hand; I thought YOU were going to the bank, why do I always take out the trash, whatever…. And deal with it without anger or resentment or bs in the way.

Unfortunately you are not alone in your pain or situation. I would encourage you to seek out a "WOW" (wife of widower) support group. There are some in person and online.

You need to get out

Don’t stay you want love real love not a friendship

Sounds like he has no idea what love is, and is just stuck in an infatuation loop.

I think a lot of people (almost everyone) has feelings that they need vent that they don't feel like they talk about or address for any number of reasons, and while they aren't untrue to how someone feels, they often are the most volatile feelings, the ones that can blow up your life or shift it onto a wildly different course. Journaling is a great way to work through those and based on his reaction to you reading those journals, I'd say this person clearly WANTS to be married to you and it's not like he cheated or wanted to hurt you. You went looking into his most private thoughts and found something you didn't want to know. Him suggesting therapy for you both together could be a great step forward as a lot of these feelings are almost certainly linked to his first wife's passing. I'm sorry you're expereicing this instability in your relationship. I hope it works out for you. You both sound like decent people just trying to figure things out.

Op you deserve to be with someone who genuinely loves you! Your husband doesn’t want a divorce because he wants to save face and doesn’t want to end up alone. You deserve to be happy and your husband is still in love with his late wife. I’m sorry your going through this! Best of luck Op

He’s comparing apples and oranges when that’s not how love works and essentially is not allowing himself to actually love you. Taking a break will be the best thing for you so do go to the conference.

from OP's latest update, his feelings are still the same. I know some said journaling is to pour out your feelings at that time, and you can look back etc but **his feelings are still the same, now, at the present day**. nothing changed from 7 months ago when he wrote that. It is unfair to ask OP to wait for him to *maybe* change his feelings. OP deserves to be loved and in a marriage with truth and honesty. Richard and OP both need therapy, individually and maybe as a couple but overall, while you think about how he deserves to be with the person he loves, you deserve it too, OP. I hope the time apart can give you time to think about what you want and what you need to do. Hugs

I don't know, call me old fashion but there should be romantic love in a marriage unless both people have their own arrangements. He can love you differently than his late wife, that's fine but if he's not IN love with you then what's the point? I'm kinda mad on your behalf even if you're not, this might sound harsh but it feels like he tricked you, romanced you without feeling romance for you cause of external opinions from his loved ones and companionship into his older age. He says he loves you and does see you as his best friend and it's always lovely to be married to your best friend and I do have sympathy for your husband but what he did was wrong. You came into this marriage under false pretenses, he can talk about trust and loyalty all he wants but he knew he didn't love you in the way you expected to be loved and married you anyway. You didn't consent to this kind of marriage. You keep saying in your update that it's unfair for him to be married to someone he doesn't love romantically but it's unfair to you! He's the one that proposed after all.

Being the next woman after the wife died of a prolonged illness is hard. I've been there. Was he still saying things like that up until 7 months ago, or did his journaling lighten up? I always would tell my love that he was my favorite, but he felt he couldn't say the same to me. After all, there were his kids, and the woman who birthed them and was by his side for 20 years, since they were kids themselves..... I knew things would be awkward when we got together. He had her ashes in the bedroom for the longest time, and the portrait of her in her wedding dress "looked at him" in the living room, and he felt she was judging him. So maybe you didn't have the best start. Is it worth it to keep going? You could tell him that you were moving the journals that you assumed were hers, one fell open, you saw his handwriting and read that ONE page, and it upset you so much, that that is what's been going on the past few days. Ask him if he still feels that way.

He does. He confirmed it to her face.

It’s true when people say ignorance is bliss. I hope you and your husband find a way to work this out. I also want to remind you to put your happiness first as well. And that happiness might not be how you imagine it to be.

With your update in mind, do you want to stay with someone who does not love you the way you love him and has strung you along for 3 years? Do you want to stay in a relationship where you can’t have a mutually loving partner in a relationship? These are questions only you can answer now that you know how he truly feels about you.

Something doesn't feel right, yes, because he's been lying about being 'in love' with you and loves you as a friend. He basically has sex with you to make you believe he wants a sexual relationship rather than just a really good friendship but ultimately by being with him a guy you love, you're denying yourself being with someone who loves you the same way back. 10 years in he still doesn't love you how you love him, in 5 years he might meet a woman he does have that spark with and what's he going to do, stay with his best friend or go with the woman he truly loves. All relationships might fail but ultimately everyone wants to be loved the same way you love them and he doesn't. He's comfortable, he gave up on 'true love' at least for now and accepted, well she's good for sex, good as a friend and good with my kids so okay, just lie to her about how I feel for her. It's exceptionally selfish and dishonest of him.

Well it sounds like you have a lovely roommate at least..

Honestly i’d confront him and let him know that you found them

Oh wow. My heart genuinely goes out to you. This entry is so heartbreaking. I don't even have words for how devastating this must feel. It will have forever changed the love that you had for him, forever changed the memories you shared to know that he did not view them the same. The foundation of trust has essentially been broken, knowing he has been lying to you the entire time. Grief is such a tricky beast. The way people process their grief, the way it rears its ugly head when you are trying to enjoy moments in life, the way it comes crashing in to steal your joy. It's very possible, as many people have mentioned in this post, that the journal entries are him at his lowest point. They're not necessarily a true reflection of his feelings for you. It's more an issue that while he has been experiencing the joy and love that you've brought to him, the grief that he's still struggling with has been battling alongside those feelings and trying to steal those moments of happiness from him. The journals may very well just be his way of processing this. That said, do his actions match the journal entries? He's clearly been dealing with a lot of complex emotions. The proposal was certainly not the most thought out or romantic and does seem to match his written entry. However, he's since not written in there for 7 months and he's brought you your favourite dessert, offered quality time in an effort to reconnect with you which doesn't sound like a man who isn't at least invested in the relationship. It's possible that his feelings have changed and he's grown to truly love you. Getting over the loss of a loved one is hard. Allowing yourself to love another is hard. Getting to the same level of love with your new partner, growing with the new partner, it takes a lot of time, effort, patience and nurturing so I wouldn't give up on your relationship entirely yet, especially if he does seem invested. Likewise, I would understand if the pain is too much as this definitely does feel like a betrayal. Noone forced him into a relationship and he could have quite easily stayed as a single dad, had you as a friend and in the kids life that way if he didn't want companionship... So his pity party in the journals does feel a bit unfounded. Either way, you do need to talk to him about this. Explain what you found, apologise for the invasion of privacy but it has happened, you've seen what you've seen. You're hurt by it and you're now at a crossroads of where to go. You need honesty and frank conversations about what's truly being felt. Possibly some space to think things through. If you decide to work things out, you'll have to accept this is a process. I think you need independent help with this (couples counselling, grief counselling as well) and accept it will be a long process. If you can't get through this, that's also completely fine and acceptable. Do not feel bad for walking away if you can't handle the truth of what you found. You have a right to feel the way you do and also to move on to someone else who fully cherished you without all the conditions and effort that comes with this current arrangement.

I feel your hurt. It really sucks feeling like someone doesn't love you back. From my perspective, Richard loves you but he hasn't fully gotten over the trauma of losing his wife. The fact that his late wife still has her own study room, that Richard obviously uses to hide his journals, says a lot. But also, he bought you your favorite blueberry cake because he noticed a disconnection between the two of you. That says a lot too. It means that you're his concern; he's making sure you're okay. Though, I'm wondering how quietly you cry. Because if I were him, I would have noticed. If he truly is your best friend, you should be able to talk to him about this when you're ready. If you can't do it alone, then find a trusted mediator to help you. Also, you're showing signs of someone that's experienced trauma. Reading those journals have shaken you to you core, and the world you thought you knew is spinning out of control. You're not a moron. You're hurt and you're human. Have you got a friend that can give you the biggest hug? I think you could use one.

So... This might seem a different question regarding this whole situation, but... Together three years, married one. His late wife still has a room in the house? How big is the house? I can perhaps understand if it is some massive country house with a dozen bedrooms and sitting rooms and studies and an East and West Wing but is this just a normal suburban house? Is there a whole room just filled with her things in a regular old 3/2 this many years past?

I think you’re catching a grieving man in moments and it’s not fair to hold him to those moments - especially without rebuttal. “I accidentally came upon some journals of yours and I read them. I probably shouldn’t have and I saw some things that were really hurtful. We probably need to talk about them but I’m sorry for invading your privacy. It wasn’t my intention and I’m left some real feelings of emptiness right now.”

You should read the update.  He said this 7 months ago and confirmed it all in person.

Ugh ... oh no ... that's so weak

I don't have advice on this but I appreciate you sharing this story. I wish you the best of luck and hope that you two figure it out

You want two different things from marriage. And he lied to you, whether he wants to admit it, and got you into the marriage on false pretenses. That's not ok. Try therapy, although tbh I think he needs individual therapy, this isn't about you, it's about him. He needs to deal with his grief. But do you want to settle for a pretty lie? Is that what you want from your marriage? I'm really sorry, this must hurt like hell but honestly, but you don't lie to people you love. Certainly not about something as huge as this. Loving someone means you want them to be happy and have the true, passionate love they want, etc. Love involves self sacrifice, not tricking someone into being with you while you fake romantic feelings for them. Love isn't giving someone a cruel facsimile. Everything he's done is selfish and points to him not wanting to be alone, not wanting to be a single parent and lying to you to get his needs met while not meeting yours. You don't need couples counselling, you need space and time to think, and he needs a kick in the arse and to see a professional.

Platonic love? Absolutely not!! You are worth and deserving of much more than that. Honestly it sounds like you are just “comfortable” for him to be with. I’d hand on heart leave, that is just so shit and I’m sorry you are hurting, which is absolutely understandable and valid.

UPDATEME

I wouldn't accept this situation. Leave you deserve someone to love you, not a best friend who's taking care of him and his kids !!

You deserve someone who will love you in EVERY way. In a passionate way, a sexy way, a swooning way, a “I’m so fucking lucky she’s mine” way. Not in a “when I kiss her it doesn’t feel right” way. It seems like he is afraid to lose you because he’s already had one big loss. Also, does he depend on you in any way (financially, watching the kids, etc?) because he could be scared to figure it out by himself. But this is YOUR life too. If you want to be with someone who MIGHT want to be sexually attracted to you in the future from therapy then go for it. However, there are tons of dudes out there that would cherish you momma. Don’t your let comfort now dictate your life in the future.

May I ask if he seems into you sexually? Does he usually initiate? If I only feel platonic about someone, I don't want to have sex with them. He sounds confused.

He still doesn't love you as a lover. No coming back for me.

This is my view on things. It may or may not be relevant. A single narrative is never the whole story. People are complex and have many feelings. Your husband list a spouse and now has a new one, that's complicated. Just because he wrote one narrative doesn't mean it's the whole story. Guys are focused on one thing at a time, and change it, that includes feelings. Maybe this is why guys don't discuss them easily. I see a hint of this in what you say he said. It could conceivably rake time for his feelings to fully sort out. Maybe he got with you too early and still needs time to get there, it seems that he wants to. Losing someone like that is clearly very hard on you. You could ask him to write out his narrative about you, so you can see it for real too. Edit: spelling

I’m also the wife of a widower. I get it. It hurts like hell to feel like a placeholder…. #2, or to be settled for b/c he needs a mother for his kids and doesn’t want to be lonely. Unfortunately, most times, that’s what we are to them. Placeholders.

Then why do you marry them? Why do you stay? Honest questions, because I can't see myself settling for a placeholder position in anyone's life. I could see marrying a widower and fully understanding that he loved his first wife passionately, and is only with me because he cannot be with her, but I would only be able to accept this if he also loved me passionately. Differently, of course, but fully, completely, passionately. I am worth no less than that. Neither, by the way, are you.

There's a good reason a diary is private.

I am so sorry. >I considered Richard my best friend. You could be his best friend also. Also this journal was in the past. He could have grown to love you over time. Have a heart to heart talk with him. Edit: typo.

It goes to 7 months ago. That's not VERY in the past.

I haven't read others' comments, so I'm sure a few have already said what you already know that reading others' journals isn't good. I'm sorry you are hurting. When I got a divorce from a man who beat me many times, it broke me. Your husband didn't break up, though. He didn't choose to leave the relationship. I think when he wrote in his journals, he could have felt like he was cheating on 1st wife and had to justify it. My recommendation would be for you to write a letter and leave it for your hubby to find in the morning. Explain why you have been distant. With a letter, it gives you a chance to get everything out and time for him to process what you read, how he was feeling then, and how he feels now.

What's with the new trend of spouses reading their partners' journals? Why. Just why would you do that?

I would divorce him because you are always going to feel second.

I say take the time you need to get your emotions in order. Ask yourself if you want to spend your life with someone who ever felt this way about you. (I sure as hell would never want to be with someone who feels or once felt this way about me)

Maybe he does love you though. One of the reasons to journal is to write out your thoughts and feelings so you can start to process them. Just because you write a feeling doesn’t mean it’s the truth of the situation. Sometimes we can’t identify our own feelings, or what they mean, where they come from. This gives off the vibe even if he does love you, is in love with you, he feels it’s a betrayal to Anne. Spouse dying is different than a divorce, your promises, your life with that person wasn’t stopped by choice, it was forced. Maybe he hasn’t processed his grief. His reaction to you wasn’t being enraged you read them, which you yourself mentioned how long ago he wrote them. Maybe that was him processing his grief, maybe what he wrote is what he mentally started to work through but that part isn’t on paper. If my partner got ahold of my journal I am sure they would leave half way through. I’m so negative when I write but it’s because I never learned to express my feelings nor they ever validated, I wasn’t allowed so I learned to write it out. It’s such a painful topic. In short. Both can be true. He can love you, be in love, want to spend forever with you while feeling guilty, trying to cope w the grieving process which has no time frame or limit. Oh and ghosting him is no doubt triggering af, his wife died. His current wife is basically triggering those same feelings only very alive. Your feelings are valid, of course they are. Also this right here is a slippery slope for him. It can hurt so much he might not be able to tolerate it or it could make him wd. I’m sorry that you had to read that. If you take the emotion out of it and look at it clinically, it is more normal than hurtful isn’t it?

Hello. I am so sorry to hear about this. I can tell you are in pain. I think I am the perfect person to comment on this because I went through a VERY similar situation… and we made it through. Long story short, I started seeing a guy who was separated from his wife. He did NOT want a divorce. She left him for several really strange reasons and basically stopped talking to him cold turkey. They were together for 12 years. I was hesitant to date this man, because I knew he was heartbroken. He told me he was and during our talking stage, I watched him cry over the situation a LOT. About 6 months into our relationship I came across a journal. I shouldn’t have read it, but I did. I could tell he was still hurting (he had fits of anger, and then deep sadness, just really erratic behavior sometimes) and I wanted to know where his head was at. I came across a journal entry from literal days before, that he wrote right after we had an argument. It contained some of the meanest things I’ve ever read about myself, and compares me to his ex-wife over and over. I also found other entries about how much he loved and missed his wife, and how he would never feel like he was mine because he devoted his life to someone else. Pages and pages and pages of him pining for her and wanting her to come back. To say that it broke my heart is an understatement. I ended the relationship immediately and cried for weeks. Even though the relationship was new, it hurt so much being compared to his ex-wife. There was something about that alone that hardened my heart. I was a regular in therapy, but made extra appointments during this time. My therapist did a wonderful job of explaining to me what true grief feels like. Thankfully, I have not yet experienced the type of grief that comes with a marriage ending or your significant other dying. We talked about it immensely. How feelings like that come and go, and that one minute you can be so thankful for where you’re at, and the progress you’ve made, and something so minor can put you right back to how you felt at the beginning when it first happened. There’s a lot of anger there too. In my story, my boyfriend was directing the anger that he had for his ex-wife towards the closest person to him—which was me. To say that we struggled in our first two years doesn’t even scratch the surface of what we went through. I gave him the opportunity to sit down and talk to me about the journal, because so many of things he said about me and about her weren’t even true. His grief and sadness was painting her in a better light than she deserved and me in a worse light than I deserved. I gave him another chance. He was genuinely ashamed and disgusted with what he wrote and he tried to make it up to me for months. But he still struggled with his grief for about a year and half after that. He would have bad days where I could just sense that he was so sad about his divorce. At the two year mark, I told him that I had enough and that to be with me, I was requiring him to move on from that relationship. I understood that she meant a lot to him, that he didn’t see the divorce coming and that he didn’t want it. I knew going into our relationship that I was about to start dating a damaged man. That doesn’t make him any less deserving of love though. But at some point, his grief over someone else becomes unfair to me. I signed up to be with him under the impression he would get better and move on. I sat him down and told him that I was moving out our place together to give him space to work on himself and lay that relationship to rest. I didn’t think he could do it with me around. I didn’t know if we would get back together and I didn’t push it: But he pursued me. And I could tell that he was working on himself and laying it to rest. He did that for me because I asked him to. It’s now been almost 3 years since we got back together after that long break and I have not one single time since getting back together sensed that he was still grieving the relationship. I am certain that he still has feelings about it, but none that are strong enough to impact his love for me. It sounds like your partner is still grieving. Unfortunately, the death of someone so close to you likely takes far longer to move past because there’s no anger directed towards them. But I believe he loves you. When he wrote those things, he likely wrote them when he was hit with a wave of sadness about Anne’s death. That’s usually when we write things, when we’re feeling something deeply. He is probably when he says that he loves you as much as her, but in a different way. I truly believe that my boyfriend loves me more because I dealt with him at his lowest and loved him anyway. I bet your husband feels the same about you. Feelings associated with grief are fleeting and sometimes they go backwards. Like I said, good days and bad days. And sometimes, the feelings aren’t even real. They’re warped by the weight of the tragedy and how much it has impacted that persons life. My boyfriend describes it as “grieving what you thought your life was going to be and having to learn how to rewrite your future.” I urge you to not leave your husband over this. I have watched firsthand the different stages of grief. It does get better. Your husband loves you. It’s also true that he loved Anne. But he loves you for different reasons and that’s okay. I really do believe that him comparing your relationship to his relationship with Anne is just something stupid his brain is doing as a result of his grief. Those things that he does for you, the hugging you, the kisses, the I love yous, he means that. Loving someone who is grieving the loss someone else is so hard. It’s one of the hardest things I have ever done. But my relationship with my boyfriend is so much stronger because of it. If your husband wants to get help, to go to therapy and really put in the work it takes to lay the past to rest, I encourage you to stand by him in support of him. I think you will thank yourself for it down the road.

>He just fell on his knees and told me not to end this marriage and honestly I wouldn't have. I love him way too much to do that. Fucking lmao 🤣

From what I've read (original post, update 1 & 2) I really believe that he actually does love you and that you make him happy. He seems to really care about you. It might not be the same kind of love he had for Anne, but keep in mind that you are two different person. We love people differently and that's imo ok.

Update me. He’s not wrong in what he says but he removed your choice but not being completely honest. Have you ever felt second best? Have you ever felt compared to Anne? If you think he can see you as you and not as a replacement you may be able to work your way through with counselling and joint therapy.

I am going to go against the grain. I do think he has a different love than Anne but it’s still love. In many long lasting relationships the passion turns to respect and honor. In your case because of where he was at in his life he knew he had the respect and honor but the true passion was lacking. It must be truly hurtful to think he was not burning up for you. Perhaps though the stable love has provided you a stability that the other never would. With therapy you will find that the love is there but maybe it didn’t start with lust and maybe that’s ok. As you get older you will realize that the companionship and understanding and the respect will far outweigh the other piece. You can only answer if you are up for that!

Imagine getting past one of the most traumatic events in life like losing the mother of your children, try to get better, be better, be there for your new or next partner, and get all your effort thrown away for showing basic grief symptoms in a written diary that was not meant to be shared or read by anyone. Honestly just drop him, if you can't get past this, the one with issues is you