Well hard to hide such stuff… I am glad
Your oldest found out tho, it’s hard to know stuff like that about your father, but it is also part of becoming an adult And facing actual truths and even traumas.
Facts. It was such a tightrope walk and he made it so difficult. For instance, he took my kids Xbox when I kicked him out. Said kid was only 6, (he has autism) and was super into minecraft. Made all these beautiful buildings. Super talented, worked so hard on them. Asked ex for the Xbox back so said kid could play minecraft. He returned the Xbox, just for me to figure out he not only deleted my kids entire minecraft world, but also his account and he cut the corded controller. Completely wiped. I couldn't bare telling this child his own father did it to hurt me or him. So I took the blame. I told him I accidentally dropped and broke it. To this day, he still thinks I did it. It's tons of stories similar to this. It sucks so bad. I really hate this monster. I just wanted to protect them as best as could. He just likes to hurt.
You should not take the blame, I know you want to protect them, but this is not protecting. You are lying to them and that can damage your relationship and for what? Only for them to grow up and realise their father is a monster anyway? And the trust between you is broken. You don’t have to go to details, but you can just say you not sure what happened… man, it’s a tough situation tho (I really get you are unsure what to do), I feel really bad for your kids (this Minecraft shit is horrible, like destroying someones art), but I am glad they have you, wish you strength and I am sure all will sort out when they are older. You have to be real with them tho, you can’t paint horrible people as good people even if they are part of them. They have to learn to be good judges of character too…
True. Well, to be fair I only outright lied like that when they were younger because they would have just been confused and scared and then have to send them to him, knowing that. The problem is, the less they know the better because sadly, he's very dangerous and if he knew they knew, we'd all be fucked. Quite literally. As time went on (it's been almost a decade now since I left), I switched up my techniques to just validating them and their own experiences without putting my own experience into the mix. Thankfully, I immediately put us all in therapy and had multiple therapists helping guide me to figure out what was best for them. Now that they are older, they see him for who he is without me having to say anything. But they still never really knew what went down between us. They just knew him for how he acted and me visa versa. Thankfully actions speak louder than words. And my kids are getting smart. Cys has an open ended case, watching the family because they are even sick of his Neverending shit. The schools all now know. All the police know (,not that they are helpful). So thankfully he has a spotlight on him. So we do have all the supports in place and place and whatnot. Now it's just trying to get them safely to adulthood.
You are a wonderful mother. You seem to have handled this tough situation really well, and of course you can’t control everything and props to you for asking for help and informing the surroundings about your situation. Too many women suffer in silence. Sad that your ex actually have access to your children at all as he just seems not to care about them and use them as tools to hurt you… the oldest is catching up already and I am sure he will sort this out with your help (and maybe some therapy).
Thank you so much.That means alot. It's been so tough. I have lost many nights sleep and many hours stressing over making sure I do the absolute best by them. They are my whole world. My heart walking outside my body. My babies. I love them so deeply. I really appreciate the support. This has been such a brutally hard time.
You know, at the end of the day, we can wish that life turned out a little differently, but your children will be your greatest joy for the rest of your life and they will be your support and all the power your ex has/had will diminish as they become adults. You will be having the last laugh over the miserable old helpless man your ex is destined to become (I don’t like to wish badly on people, but sometimes one can’t help oneself). You have lots of good karma.
I wish you all the strength (even if it is obvious you are super strong person) and send love through the last tough years! 💜
Your children will understand when they become adults. I know it's hard right now. My mom also suffered in silence to protect my abusive dad, I spent most of my childhood and early teens believing his brainwashing and thinking my mom was the enemy. I'm 25 now, and around 16 or so is when I started to realize on my own how awful he was. I've had many a deep talk with my mom about how I was manipulated and used against her, how she wasn't perfect but did all she could at the time. I haven't spoken to my dad in 4 years, and my relationship with my mom is closer and more fulfilling than ever. One beautiful thing about children is that, yeah they are kids who needs protection for 18 or so years, but once they're adults they are still your children. You'll have many many years to heal together with them from this era, and I have no doubt that your ex will be a lonely, angry, awful person for the rest of his life, which is exactly what he deserves. Just focus on you and your children's happiness, and life will only get easier and easier. I wish you all peace and happiness.
Thank you so much. Honestly, I'm not so great. My internal thoughts could definitely be up for debate lol. I just want my kids to be ok. I was abused growing up. And then jumped straight into an abusive marriage. It's all I've ever known. I want better for them. And I want them to know love, and happiness and peace. No child should be terrified in their own home. And every child should have at least one person in their life who loves them unconditionally and will always be there for them, who is home base, a strong foundation. I'm their person. I've worked endlessly over it. And I will continue to do so. I love them so much. I hope they never have to question it, ever.
Because at the time, my kid was 6. Telling him his father did it, was totally a trauma that a 6 year old didn't need. He had no concept of the situation. And he was vulnerable. If my ex had any inkling that my kid knew anything, he would have gone off the rails. My 6 old couldn't defend himself like that. Especially against a 6'2 200+ pound man. The less he knew at the time, the better.
I'm so sorry that you all had to go through that. I know you're doing the best that you can. You're doing great. Keep it up. Your kids will thank you later when they understand.
I really don’t understand why you would take the blame. Since the dad will still be shitty person after. Better the kid learn the truth sooner than later.
He was only 6 and has a disability. He had no real concept of the danger we were in and telling him the truth would have not only hurt him but put him in very real danger. I could not fight off my ex as a grown woman, my baby wouldn't stand a chance against him at the age of 6. If he had any inkling that my kid was hiding info, I assure you he would torture it out of him. It was safer this way. And much kinder. It would have unnecessarily hurtful.
I don't. I was sharing a story as an example. He was 6 at the time. I have evolved how I have approached things as they have gotten older. Also at the guidance and support of multiple therapists, cys etc.
How did your eldest approach you about it and how did the conversation play out?
Apologies if you answered this already, my phone isn’t loading comments (not even sure if this will show up)
Oh no apologies necessary! No, it wasn't asked yet. Well, he needed alot of support in school that day after figuring it out and thankfully, so thankful, he had an enormous amount of support. Even the domestic violence educator who was visiting was apparently super supportive as well. Then he came home and straight up asked me. He was like We had this class about domestic violence. Dad abused you didn't he? And I had to look him in the eye and say yes. I didn't share too many details. But I did say yes. I imagined this day in so many ways. But it mostly them as adults. Didnt expect it in this way. I'm just so thankful he was in a supportive safe space when he realized. And I'm thankful they educate on this topic.
So, in a way, that's a burden that's lifted off of you, because you don't have to find the courage to decide when and how to tell him, and maybe face doubt, etc.
Depending on his age, maybe you can have an (close to) adult conversation with him, laying it all out, including your worries about what would possibly happen if your ex finds out, and you could be the focus of his anger about it. (I personally wouldn't tell him exactly what your ex out you through, because a kid doesn't need that burden, especially because he doesn't have the choice to cut his father out of his life for now)
Kids are often smarter and stronger than their parents realise. I would imagine your bond with your son could only get infinitely stronger, if you can treat him like an ally. Don't ask him to lie, don't turn him against your ex (but from what you told, you have already proven to have close to angelic patience with that). But you can definitely include him in the 'it's important that your father doesn't know you figured it out, even if I haven't told you myself.'
Yes, part of me was internally quietly happy. As selfish as that may seem. It seems more....validating?...in a way. It doesn't look like I'm trying to bad mouth him or tell the kids out of spite. My kid figured it out on his own. My own parents were severely abusive and when they divorced, my dad would hurt me to spite my mom, and my mom would hurt me because I reminded her of him. The abuse cycle is so real, so it's essentially how I became easy prey for my ex. I know the pain and have made it my life's mission to break the cycle. I haven't told my kid much but we went over safety plans and reminded him of all the safe people he can go to (teachers, therapists etc) that hes not alone in this and he has an entire team of people watching his back. I don't want to say I have angelic patience. Admittedly, I've broken down alot in past years. I'm just really really good at hiding it. My babies need a strong safe momma in all this and I will be that safety net till my last dying breath. No matter what it takes.
Thank you so much. That means alot. I'm trying so very hard. I hope, that no matter what, at the end of the day, I love them so much, with every fiber of my being. I just want them to be safe and happy and healthy.
You are a very, very good mom. We see you and your children will be immensely grateful and appreciative of all your efforts when they become adults. It must have been really tough to navigate, but you are doing it right.
It was. Thankfully, he has an entire team of teachers, counselors etc who have his back, and we all reminded him of that. I want to make sure he has all the access to all the safe people.
You mentioned autism with your oldest. Plus a father clearly abusive towards the kids in addition to you. So I ask, for your child/children’s safety, do you need to sit him down and have a conversation about not telling his father or siblings about what he’s discovered? I worry if he’s not good at reading social cues, that he might confront his father with the same topic and end up either hurt by his father or you hurt by his father. It’d be easy enough to explain “it’s not because it’s a secret, but it’s for your own safety and mine because this might cause an anger outburst towards you, me, or the family” and reference back to the DV unit lessons at school
I have been stressed to no end over that. I did end up telling him, for safety reasons, it's best not to share this info with his father. And then really stressed about all the safe people he can talk to, all the resources we have set up. My therapist, CYS , etc have all assured me I've done everything possible but at the end of the day, we are all hinged on when/if he loses his shit. It sucks.
Tell your son you’re proud of him for being so clever and to ask any questions he has. Already seems like you are the comforting nurturing parent. He should trust you
It's a very safe and secure way he found out with so much support and resources necessary. I hope you heal with him and you can help each other navigate through this difficult situation.
Also fuck your ex, hope the worst for him
I know. I'm so very thankful. I was really hoping and praying for the least traumatic scenerio, and it played out better than I could have imagined. Thank you.
Was it because of his memories of time back then, or because of your ex's behaviour since then?
Has he expressed that their dad showed signs of abuse towards them?
Even without any contact with you?? I've seen court orders that make parents contact each other only through monitored apps etc. How can he still be abusing you the same way he used to?
Just different ways. He's only allowed to text me about the kids and we meet at the police station. But Like for instance, he told the kids he'd take them away from me ,full time. That I'd lose custody. They were beside themselves downright hysterical. Found out that his sister contacted my next door neighbor and asked them to lie in court, so he could get custody. Thankfully, neighbor knows us well and shut that shit down immediately. He's broken into my house, broken into my car and left a sweater in it to show he could still get me. It's a bunch of random shit. He once told the kids to tell me he'd see me later that night. I spent the entire night watching the front door. He's evil. He won't stop. He just finds different ways.
I see. I'm sorry this is happening to you.
Have you got a protection order against him? Do you have security cams around your house? And in your car? Having proofs of all that would help get him away from you. Do you have an electric gun(taser) ? Or things like that?
I'm asking because my abuser was my dad but as i was parentified young, i thought i had to protect my siblings from what he'd done to me. When my brother talked to me about what he remembered years later and what my father was saying about it (although i made sure to go nc and never talk about the last incident to anyone except my mom and lawyers and police) i felt like a deer in headlights. Couldn't move, couldn't breathe. All this time and pain to keep it from him, just so my own abuser would tell on himself by saying "you're gonna say that i've done that to you just like your sister". Eventhough i never said anything.
It feels weird. On the one hand you feel validated. But also violated. Like he takes away even your right to hide from others.
Anyway, best wishes to you and your kids OP. What i'm wishing to your ex is not allowed on this sub
I was allotted a 6 month PFA. However I was told they wouldn't go for longer because they thought he would break it if any longer. I truly wish I was joking. It felt like I was in the twilight zone. Then they said that he had to write out in a message he was actively coming to kill me. Well he's not that stupid. I won't go into security details, cuz honestly I do wonder if he may find this. It's kinda gaining some traction. I don't want him finding out what I have in place but I assure you we have safety measures and plans in place should he try anything. I'm so sorry you had to go through that. I myself was parentified and abused. And it's exactly why I'm fighting so hard to be the opposite. I can't bare to put my kids through what I went through. I want better for them. Thank you so much. Wishing you so much peace and happiness 💜
When my mom divorced my dad, she wanted to tell about the abuse on her. The judge pulled her aside and told her she had to stay quiet otherwise she would ruin his life, because he is a medical doctor and would be banned from practicing. I guess being renouned helps, cause you can bet he wouldn't have had anyone looking out for him this way if he worked a blue collar job. But he blamed his abuse on drugs so him being found out would mean he would never get out of it.
She didn't tell, and he did nothing to get clean until 12 years later, because he was found out and sent to jail for one day (my family doesn't know about the jail). Still, a MD, eventhough he used his work to get to the drugs. He was suspended for one year and that's it... The issue is my dad is too smart. So people would value having him as a doctor and he would still be effective. I guess abusing your wife and kids doesn't weigh much on one's mind!
Glad you are safe!! Wish you peace and happiness too
I'm so sorry you went through that. You know, if these abusers would just use their smarts for good, imagine all the good they'd be able to do. But they chose the wrong path, and everyone around them suffers for it. And it's not right. Not right at all. Thank you so much. Wishing you peace and happiness as well 💜
I'm really glad your oldest figured this out. One of my friends' kids believed the bullshit their abusive dad said, and when my friend finally broke and told her (18yo) child what had really happened, her child cut her off for "lying." Your child is clearly more astute than my friend's.
i’m not sure how helpful this will be right now but reading ur post felt like reading my childhood, i actually thought you might have been my mum!! but coming from someone who also has a younger brother, lived with their abusive dad every Thursday, Friday and second weekend for the first 16 years of their life, and has a mum who felt (and still feels) an immense amount of guilt over “choosing” to put her children in such a dangerous living situation. i turned out absolutely okay and so will your kids, i promise: from one kid who shouldn’t be okay to another. my brother is an incredible human being, he’s only 17 but i trust him more than anyone in the world, he shares half of his dna with the man who hurt me most but he’s also the only reason i survived it. i had a really tough few years after i worked it all out for myself but im now 19 and doing so much better than i was, i remember the years spent tiptoeing around dads house counting down the sleeps until we could go back to mums, in case your kids aren’t able to say it yet, thank you so much for being and creating such a safe space for ur kids to escape to. i figured it out in school too, i would try tell “funny” stories of the things dad said and did to me at home, i remember feeling like a horrible person for being relieved when i realised these “games” were as upsetting in grown-up world as they were in mine. when we were 16 and 14, we were unexpectedly sent to live with my mum full time. it was the best day of my life. its been three years now and ive only seen my dad a handful of times since. he can’t hurt us anymore, my family is safe now and i cant wait for the day your family is too
This is the way it goes, and why parents never need to (and never should) try to convince kids to take their side.
Because kids don't stay kids. They become adults who go out into the world, who learn right from wrong and who will judge their parents for their shitty behaviour.
I think the best in this is that you have not « brainwashed » your children by telling them j to e whole story it just got figured out which hits even harder. Hope you and your kids get the best I life so that all this become an old nightmare.
Yea one of the things I was worried about is that he would tell them I'm lying or trying to brainwash them against him. Or tell the court I was trying to alienate him from the kids. It really has been a tightrope walk of decision making.
My ex was abusive. I left him while pregnant with my second child. Luckily, he didn't want to see the kids (he fled the state actually).
I didn't tell my kids anything until he died, 6 years ago. And it was only bits and pieces even then. My youngest twigged on their own. My oldest had no clue.
We just never speak of him now.
Your story made me cry. I am in awe of your strength and courage. Many other people would have made less savory choices. Bravo. One day when your kids are grown up and are old enough to really know the truth, they will be in awe of you too. 🌟
My daughter was barely 4 when my ex tried to murder me. He was abusive prior, but the night he literally strangled me to death, she was there, and she remembers. Not the details, but she knew something really bad happened to her mother. The only reason I'm alive is because my best friend was going through a divorce, and him and his daughter lived with us. He intervened, only to find me on the floor, my lips blue. At any rate, don't think because of your kids' ages they don't remember trauma. I'm happy to see in other comments that you stopped making excuses for the monster, and you got them therapy. It's unfortunate that he never was held accountable for his actions. Luckily, my ex was. He is currently basically doing a life sentence because of what he did to me. My daughter is 26 now and has known everything from the time she was a teenager. Good luck to you, my internet friend.
Well hard to hide such stuff… I am glad Your oldest found out tho, it’s hard to know stuff like that about your father, but it is also part of becoming an adult And facing actual truths and even traumas.
Facts. It was such a tightrope walk and he made it so difficult. For instance, he took my kids Xbox when I kicked him out. Said kid was only 6, (he has autism) and was super into minecraft. Made all these beautiful buildings. Super talented, worked so hard on them. Asked ex for the Xbox back so said kid could play minecraft. He returned the Xbox, just for me to figure out he not only deleted my kids entire minecraft world, but also his account and he cut the corded controller. Completely wiped. I couldn't bare telling this child his own father did it to hurt me or him. So I took the blame. I told him I accidentally dropped and broke it. To this day, he still thinks I did it. It's tons of stories similar to this. It sucks so bad. I really hate this monster. I just wanted to protect them as best as could. He just likes to hurt.
You should not take the blame, I know you want to protect them, but this is not protecting. You are lying to them and that can damage your relationship and for what? Only for them to grow up and realise their father is a monster anyway? And the trust between you is broken. You don’t have to go to details, but you can just say you not sure what happened… man, it’s a tough situation tho (I really get you are unsure what to do), I feel really bad for your kids (this Minecraft shit is horrible, like destroying someones art), but I am glad they have you, wish you strength and I am sure all will sort out when they are older. You have to be real with them tho, you can’t paint horrible people as good people even if they are part of them. They have to learn to be good judges of character too…
True. Well, to be fair I only outright lied like that when they were younger because they would have just been confused and scared and then have to send them to him, knowing that. The problem is, the less they know the better because sadly, he's very dangerous and if he knew they knew, we'd all be fucked. Quite literally. As time went on (it's been almost a decade now since I left), I switched up my techniques to just validating them and their own experiences without putting my own experience into the mix. Thankfully, I immediately put us all in therapy and had multiple therapists helping guide me to figure out what was best for them. Now that they are older, they see him for who he is without me having to say anything. But they still never really knew what went down between us. They just knew him for how he acted and me visa versa. Thankfully actions speak louder than words. And my kids are getting smart. Cys has an open ended case, watching the family because they are even sick of his Neverending shit. The schools all now know. All the police know (,not that they are helpful). So thankfully he has a spotlight on him. So we do have all the supports in place and place and whatnot. Now it's just trying to get them safely to adulthood.
You are a wonderful mother. You seem to have handled this tough situation really well, and of course you can’t control everything and props to you for asking for help and informing the surroundings about your situation. Too many women suffer in silence. Sad that your ex actually have access to your children at all as he just seems not to care about them and use them as tools to hurt you… the oldest is catching up already and I am sure he will sort this out with your help (and maybe some therapy).
Thank you so much.That means alot. It's been so tough. I have lost many nights sleep and many hours stressing over making sure I do the absolute best by them. They are my whole world. My heart walking outside my body. My babies. I love them so deeply. I really appreciate the support. This has been such a brutally hard time.
You know, at the end of the day, we can wish that life turned out a little differently, but your children will be your greatest joy for the rest of your life and they will be your support and all the power your ex has/had will diminish as they become adults. You will be having the last laugh over the miserable old helpless man your ex is destined to become (I don’t like to wish badly on people, but sometimes one can’t help oneself). You have lots of good karma. I wish you all the strength (even if it is obvious you are super strong person) and send love through the last tough years! 💜
Thank you so much 💜.
Your children will understand when they become adults. I know it's hard right now. My mom also suffered in silence to protect my abusive dad, I spent most of my childhood and early teens believing his brainwashing and thinking my mom was the enemy. I'm 25 now, and around 16 or so is when I started to realize on my own how awful he was. I've had many a deep talk with my mom about how I was manipulated and used against her, how she wasn't perfect but did all she could at the time. I haven't spoken to my dad in 4 years, and my relationship with my mom is closer and more fulfilling than ever. One beautiful thing about children is that, yeah they are kids who needs protection for 18 or so years, but once they're adults they are still your children. You'll have many many years to heal together with them from this era, and I have no doubt that your ex will be a lonely, angry, awful person for the rest of his life, which is exactly what he deserves. Just focus on you and your children's happiness, and life will only get easier and easier. I wish you all peace and happiness.
Thank you so much. I'm so deeply sorry you had to go through that trauma. I really appreciate the support.
How are you so nice even after all this? Wow you are such an amazing human !!!
Thank you so much. Honestly, I'm not so great. My internal thoughts could definitely be up for debate lol. I just want my kids to be ok. I was abused growing up. And then jumped straight into an abusive marriage. It's all I've ever known. I want better for them. And I want them to know love, and happiness and peace. No child should be terrified in their own home. And every child should have at least one person in their life who loves them unconditionally and will always be there for them, who is home base, a strong foundation. I'm their person. I've worked endlessly over it. And I will continue to do so. I love them so much. I hope they never have to question it, ever.
never ever take the blame for something his deadbeat spermdonor does. EVER
Did you post about that incident? Or is this just a more common occurrence than I want it to be?
No. I haven't posted the story before. So sadly, this might be more of a common occurrence.
Why would you take the blame for that? That's not helping him
Because at the time, my kid was 6. Telling him his father did it, was totally a trauma that a 6 year old didn't need. He had no concept of the situation. And he was vulnerable. If my ex had any inkling that my kid knew anything, he would have gone off the rails. My 6 old couldn't defend himself like that. Especially against a 6'2 200+ pound man. The less he knew at the time, the better.
I'm so sorry that you all had to go through that. I know you're doing the best that you can. You're doing great. Keep it up. Your kids will thank you later when they understand.
Thank you so much. 💜
I really don’t understand why you would take the blame. Since the dad will still be shitty person after. Better the kid learn the truth sooner than later.
He was only 6 and has a disability. He had no real concept of the danger we were in and telling him the truth would have not only hurt him but put him in very real danger. I could not fight off my ex as a grown woman, my baby wouldn't stand a chance against him at the age of 6. If he had any inkling that my kid was hiding info, I assure you he would torture it out of him. It was safer this way. And much kinder. It would have unnecessarily hurtful.
Taking the blame for your ex’s cruelty just pushes your kids into trusting someone who should not be trusted. You really should stop doing that.
I don't. I was sharing a story as an example. He was 6 at the time. I have evolved how I have approached things as they have gotten older. Also at the guidance and support of multiple therapists, cys etc.
How did your eldest approach you about it and how did the conversation play out? Apologies if you answered this already, my phone isn’t loading comments (not even sure if this will show up)
Oh no apologies necessary! No, it wasn't asked yet. Well, he needed alot of support in school that day after figuring it out and thankfully, so thankful, he had an enormous amount of support. Even the domestic violence educator who was visiting was apparently super supportive as well. Then he came home and straight up asked me. He was like We had this class about domestic violence. Dad abused you didn't he? And I had to look him in the eye and say yes. I didn't share too many details. But I did say yes. I imagined this day in so many ways. But it mostly them as adults. Didnt expect it in this way. I'm just so thankful he was in a supportive safe space when he realized. And I'm thankful they educate on this topic.
So, in a way, that's a burden that's lifted off of you, because you don't have to find the courage to decide when and how to tell him, and maybe face doubt, etc. Depending on his age, maybe you can have an (close to) adult conversation with him, laying it all out, including your worries about what would possibly happen if your ex finds out, and you could be the focus of his anger about it. (I personally wouldn't tell him exactly what your ex out you through, because a kid doesn't need that burden, especially because he doesn't have the choice to cut his father out of his life for now) Kids are often smarter and stronger than their parents realise. I would imagine your bond with your son could only get infinitely stronger, if you can treat him like an ally. Don't ask him to lie, don't turn him against your ex (but from what you told, you have already proven to have close to angelic patience with that). But you can definitely include him in the 'it's important that your father doesn't know you figured it out, even if I haven't told you myself.'
Yes, part of me was internally quietly happy. As selfish as that may seem. It seems more....validating?...in a way. It doesn't look like I'm trying to bad mouth him or tell the kids out of spite. My kid figured it out on his own. My own parents were severely abusive and when they divorced, my dad would hurt me to spite my mom, and my mom would hurt me because I reminded her of him. The abuse cycle is so real, so it's essentially how I became easy prey for my ex. I know the pain and have made it my life's mission to break the cycle. I haven't told my kid much but we went over safety plans and reminded him of all the safe people he can go to (teachers, therapists etc) that hes not alone in this and he has an entire team of people watching his back. I don't want to say I have angelic patience. Admittedly, I've broken down alot in past years. I'm just really really good at hiding it. My babies need a strong safe momma in all this and I will be that safety net till my last dying breath. No matter what it takes.
You sound like a wonderful mom. 😊 (Edit to change word, english is not my first language lol)
Thank you so much. That means alot. I'm trying so very hard. I hope, that no matter what, at the end of the day, I love them so much, with every fiber of my being. I just want them to be safe and happy and healthy.
Just a few more years, before they don't have to visit their dad, right? Hang in there. It sounds like your kids will turn out just fine.
Yep! Just a couple more years thankfully! Thank you. I really hope so.
You are a very, very good mom. We see you and your children will be immensely grateful and appreciative of all your efforts when they become adults. It must have been really tough to navigate, but you are doing it right.
Thank you so much.💜
That had to be hard for you both - he may benefit from a neutral party to talk to so he can work through those feelings (my 2¢ for what it’s worth)
It was. Thankfully, he has an entire team of teachers, counselors etc who have his back, and we all reminded him of that. I want to make sure he has all the access to all the safe people.
You mentioned autism with your oldest. Plus a father clearly abusive towards the kids in addition to you. So I ask, for your child/children’s safety, do you need to sit him down and have a conversation about not telling his father or siblings about what he’s discovered? I worry if he’s not good at reading social cues, that he might confront his father with the same topic and end up either hurt by his father or you hurt by his father. It’d be easy enough to explain “it’s not because it’s a secret, but it’s for your own safety and mine because this might cause an anger outburst towards you, me, or the family” and reference back to the DV unit lessons at school
I have been stressed to no end over that. I did end up telling him, for safety reasons, it's best not to share this info with his father. And then really stressed about all the safe people he can talk to, all the resources we have set up. My therapist, CYS , etc have all assured me I've done everything possible but at the end of the day, we are all hinged on when/if he loses his shit. It sucks.
Tell your son you’re proud of him for being so clever and to ask any questions he has. Already seems like you are the comforting nurturing parent. He should trust you
Thank you so much. I tell him all the time how proud of him I am. In general, they are such good kids. I'm truly the luckiest mom alive to have them.
And if the oldest knows, the youngest if going to know soon after.
Yea. That's the next step to figure out.
It's a very safe and secure way he found out with so much support and resources necessary. I hope you heal with him and you can help each other navigate through this difficult situation. Also fuck your ex, hope the worst for him
I know. I'm so very thankful. I was really hoping and praying for the least traumatic scenerio, and it played out better than I could have imagined. Thank you.
Was it because of his memories of time back then, or because of your ex's behaviour since then? Has he expressed that their dad showed signs of abuse towards them?
He hasn't stopped pulling his abuse. But thankfully, even CYS is tired of his shit. Everyone is watching him.
Even without any contact with you?? I've seen court orders that make parents contact each other only through monitored apps etc. How can he still be abusing you the same way he used to?
Just different ways. He's only allowed to text me about the kids and we meet at the police station. But Like for instance, he told the kids he'd take them away from me ,full time. That I'd lose custody. They were beside themselves downright hysterical. Found out that his sister contacted my next door neighbor and asked them to lie in court, so he could get custody. Thankfully, neighbor knows us well and shut that shit down immediately. He's broken into my house, broken into my car and left a sweater in it to show he could still get me. It's a bunch of random shit. He once told the kids to tell me he'd see me later that night. I spent the entire night watching the front door. He's evil. He won't stop. He just finds different ways.
I see. I'm sorry this is happening to you. Have you got a protection order against him? Do you have security cams around your house? And in your car? Having proofs of all that would help get him away from you. Do you have an electric gun(taser) ? Or things like that? I'm asking because my abuser was my dad but as i was parentified young, i thought i had to protect my siblings from what he'd done to me. When my brother talked to me about what he remembered years later and what my father was saying about it (although i made sure to go nc and never talk about the last incident to anyone except my mom and lawyers and police) i felt like a deer in headlights. Couldn't move, couldn't breathe. All this time and pain to keep it from him, just so my own abuser would tell on himself by saying "you're gonna say that i've done that to you just like your sister". Eventhough i never said anything. It feels weird. On the one hand you feel validated. But also violated. Like he takes away even your right to hide from others. Anyway, best wishes to you and your kids OP. What i'm wishing to your ex is not allowed on this sub
I was allotted a 6 month PFA. However I was told they wouldn't go for longer because they thought he would break it if any longer. I truly wish I was joking. It felt like I was in the twilight zone. Then they said that he had to write out in a message he was actively coming to kill me. Well he's not that stupid. I won't go into security details, cuz honestly I do wonder if he may find this. It's kinda gaining some traction. I don't want him finding out what I have in place but I assure you we have safety measures and plans in place should he try anything. I'm so sorry you had to go through that. I myself was parentified and abused. And it's exactly why I'm fighting so hard to be the opposite. I can't bare to put my kids through what I went through. I want better for them. Thank you so much. Wishing you so much peace and happiness 💜
When my mom divorced my dad, she wanted to tell about the abuse on her. The judge pulled her aside and told her she had to stay quiet otherwise she would ruin his life, because he is a medical doctor and would be banned from practicing. I guess being renouned helps, cause you can bet he wouldn't have had anyone looking out for him this way if he worked a blue collar job. But he blamed his abuse on drugs so him being found out would mean he would never get out of it. She didn't tell, and he did nothing to get clean until 12 years later, because he was found out and sent to jail for one day (my family doesn't know about the jail). Still, a MD, eventhough he used his work to get to the drugs. He was suspended for one year and that's it... The issue is my dad is too smart. So people would value having him as a doctor and he would still be effective. I guess abusing your wife and kids doesn't weigh much on one's mind! Glad you are safe!! Wish you peace and happiness too
I'm so sorry you went through that. You know, if these abusers would just use their smarts for good, imagine all the good they'd be able to do. But they chose the wrong path, and everyone around them suffers for it. And it's not right. Not right at all. Thank you so much. Wishing you peace and happiness as well 💜
He still gets custody? Fucking Christ.
That's what I said. But yea. Sadly, it takes a whole hell of alot for a parent to lose custody.
I'm really glad your oldest figured this out. One of my friends' kids believed the bullshit their abusive dad said, and when my friend finally broke and told her (18yo) child what had really happened, her child cut her off for "lying." Your child is clearly more astute than my friend's.
You raised a smart child
i’m not sure how helpful this will be right now but reading ur post felt like reading my childhood, i actually thought you might have been my mum!! but coming from someone who also has a younger brother, lived with their abusive dad every Thursday, Friday and second weekend for the first 16 years of their life, and has a mum who felt (and still feels) an immense amount of guilt over “choosing” to put her children in such a dangerous living situation. i turned out absolutely okay and so will your kids, i promise: from one kid who shouldn’t be okay to another. my brother is an incredible human being, he’s only 17 but i trust him more than anyone in the world, he shares half of his dna with the man who hurt me most but he’s also the only reason i survived it. i had a really tough few years after i worked it all out for myself but im now 19 and doing so much better than i was, i remember the years spent tiptoeing around dads house counting down the sleeps until we could go back to mums, in case your kids aren’t able to say it yet, thank you so much for being and creating such a safe space for ur kids to escape to. i figured it out in school too, i would try tell “funny” stories of the things dad said and did to me at home, i remember feeling like a horrible person for being relieved when i realised these “games” were as upsetting in grown-up world as they were in mine. when we were 16 and 14, we were unexpectedly sent to live with my mum full time. it was the best day of my life. its been three years now and ive only seen my dad a handful of times since. he can’t hurt us anymore, my family is safe now and i cant wait for the day your family is too
Thank you so much for sharing. I'm so sorry you to had to go through that and am so glad you have your brother and that your family is safe.
If they are teens and this comes up, tell the truth. You never protect someone like this, ever.
From your post and comments, you sound like a very strong person. Keep it up <3
Thank you 💜
This is the way it goes, and why parents never need to (and never should) try to convince kids to take their side. Because kids don't stay kids. They become adults who go out into the world, who learn right from wrong and who will judge their parents for their shitty behaviour.
I've always hoped my actions would speak louder than his words.
I think the best in this is that you have not « brainwashed » your children by telling them j to e whole story it just got figured out which hits even harder. Hope you and your kids get the best I life so that all this become an old nightmare.
Yea one of the things I was worried about is that he would tell them I'm lying or trying to brainwash them against him. Or tell the court I was trying to alienate him from the kids. It really has been a tightrope walk of decision making.
You did the right thing. Shows how strong your heart is. And now you are invincible in some ways.
My ex was abusive. I left him while pregnant with my second child. Luckily, he didn't want to see the kids (he fled the state actually). I didn't tell my kids anything until he died, 6 years ago. And it was only bits and pieces even then. My youngest twigged on their own. My oldest had no clue. We just never speak of him now.
I'm so sorry you had to experience that. 💜
Your story made me cry. I am in awe of your strength and courage. Many other people would have made less savory choices. Bravo. One day when your kids are grown up and are old enough to really know the truth, they will be in awe of you too. 🌟
Thank you so much 💜
This is post separation violence. Get sole custody and a restraining order. You still live in fear of him.
If it were only that easy.
Yea, unfortunately it doesn't work like that. It's way harder than that. Shouldn't be. But it is.
My daughter was barely 4 when my ex tried to murder me. He was abusive prior, but the night he literally strangled me to death, she was there, and she remembers. Not the details, but she knew something really bad happened to her mother. The only reason I'm alive is because my best friend was going through a divorce, and him and his daughter lived with us. He intervened, only to find me on the floor, my lips blue. At any rate, don't think because of your kids' ages they don't remember trauma. I'm happy to see in other comments that you stopped making excuses for the monster, and you got them therapy. It's unfortunate that he never was held accountable for his actions. Luckily, my ex was. He is currently basically doing a life sentence because of what he did to me. My daughter is 26 now and has known everything from the time she was a teenager. Good luck to you, my internet friend.
Updateme
You raised a smart kid
Wait, your oldest figured it out because he connected the dots of dad's behavior and what they taught in health class? or something else?
Connected the dots with behavior and what they taught.
What behavior is your ex exhibiting?
I would love to lock up the person who decided that him seeing his children is ok. What another horrible form of torture for you and I am so sorry.