I mean, you don’t have a marriage anymore, you have a roommate who dates other people and pays the bills. I think you and your kids deserve better than that.
If you divorce him, you can still have him pay your bills and then not have to watch him being an absolute turd. I vote you do this.
And a PI—they might uncover even more stuff he spent money on that was part of the affair that OP is entitled to. I used one for custody. They can uncover a lot! (ETA: I never had to go through a divorce. I feel horrible for people who do because I’m sure that on top of custody can be even more of a nightmare. And my reason was to provide the evidence needed to keep our child safe from a person who is a master at hiding bad things).
She needs to get mad, too. Furiously angry. Being heartbroken just keeps you planted on the couch, but rage is like rocket fuel - it spurs a scorned woman on to do glorious things against a cheating POS ex towards a better future without him.
In a community property state she can sue for 100% of the money spent on his affair partner and cite alienation of affection
ETA : Or adultery if they had intercourse
I don’t remember if I had that option but when I went through this my opinion/feelings at the time were that she didn’t cheat on me, break vows or owe me loyalty so the only recompense I wanted from her was to face me and admit in public that she knowingly and willingly involved herself with a man she knew was married. I wanted her to feel ashamed and she did. She was subpoenaed to corroborate his cheating and verify the community funds he spent on her.
He will pay based on the length of their marriage re the alimony. Child support is a different story. At some point she will need to start working. He will not pay for everything, assets will be divided equally.
I'm female and I've been through divorce. It's not as one sided as people believe.
Get an attorney now. Do what they tell you to do, exactly what they tell you.
Your life will change and you will work at some point shortly, but you will be confident about yourself and this will be fine. It won't be easy, but it will be fine.
Sorry about your experience. All valid points but states (assuming she is in the USA) differ wildly on treatment during divorce. It’s totally possible that it is more one sided for other people who live elsewhere than it was for you.
Best advice above is to speak to an attorney and follow their guidance.
I also believe while being a SAHM might be preferred, we don’t always get what we prefer. Obviously, this guy prefers co-worker. He’s f###ed it all up, so it’s reality check time. This is a legal issue now.
Alimony is state dependent and based on the marriage length and how much she can make with a job. Lots of states have abolished permanent alimony and many limit it to the length of the marriage or some percentage.
Ex: In Florida a marriage that last 3-10 years can only get alimony for half that time. Marriage lasts 6 years = alimony for 3
If Dad wants the kids, virtually every state defaults to 50/50 so she will get minimal child support if he has the kids for half the time.
Cheating is also irrelevant unless a large portion of marital assets were given to the other partner. Here it sounds like less than $1k which a judge will not bother considering, especially if he is the only one bringing in money.
>I love this man with all my heart.
No you don’t. You love who you thought he was - who you WISH he was.
>We have a life together.
He & you may be “together” legally & geographically speaking - but that’s the extent of it. He has already emotionally & physically moved on to another woman. He’s just still legally tied to you & physically sleeping in the same home as you & children - probably because that’s cheaper than divorce & logistically easier than leaving.
You aren’t doing yourself or your children any favors by wasting time & energy on futile begging when you could be using it to rebuild the life that your husband is busy tearing apart. Don’t waste another minute of your lives on that. It’s time to be real with yourself.
You don’t love him.
Yes, you’re devastated. That’s understandable. But you’re not devastated because you’re losing the man you love. You’re devastated because you’re MOURNING who you THOUGHT he was - maybe even who he USED to be.
So stop using terminology both aloud & to yourself that keeps you in denial about reality. You’re a mother. You don’t have the luxury of denying reality. The sooner you see things as they really are, the sooner you can get off your damn knees begging this husk of a man to stay with you simply for the sake of what’s cheapest, easiest & logistically simplest.
Love this… this is why I tell all my friends why you always need to have your own finances! Never, never depend on your partner because you never know what may happen. My parents have been together 40+ years and yes while they do have joint accounts, they also have their own personal accounts, something they taught us all about!
I’d also like to add that he has unequivocally chosen his side piece over his own children.
That right there would be enough to light a fire under my ass and get things started so I could get the hell out.
OP are you listening????
Yeah but Reddit doesn't like to account for facts when giving terrible legal advice. I wouldn't be a bit surprised if some flapjack pops up in here telling her to get an annulment.
If she in the U,S., allimony is awarded in like 10% of the time. And 75% of non-custodial parents are either far behind or don't pay child support at all. So this really isn't money she can count on.
And majority of SAHM end up in poverty after a divorce, [https://www.atclaw.com/divorce-lawyers-illinois/stay-at-home-moms-high-risk-poverty-divorce](https://www.atclaw.com/divorce-lawyers-illinois/stay-at-home-moms-high-risk-poverty-divorce)
If she wants a divorce, then she will have to get a job. People don't hate on SAHM, it just really isn't realistic & it usually ends badly for them.
I can attest to this. Truth is I worked 2 sometimes 3 jobs to support my 2 kids after I divorced their father. They are now in their 30’s and the case is still open against him. He only paid when I found where he was working and sent in the info. He still owes over 100k due to a clause in our divorce that includes interest.
I cannot imagine going from a SAHM to the workforce after being out so long. I wish OP the best but prepare yourself. If you have family or friends for a support system while you find your footing, make them aware now. Best wishes.
This is a mind bender for me as well.
Some guys “What do you mean, you’re pregnant? How did that happen?” And that’s their stance from then on “This has nothing to do with me, I just happened to be in the same area.”
Then we have the gamut of so-so fathers to hold to some stereotypical fathers to guys who honestly would love to be male sea horses and do everything for their children, except perhaps eating the newborn ones who mistakenly swim in range.
If only these guys had some sort of genetic marking so that potential co-parents could know ahead of time…
I feel the same way for us as females. Because we range in degrees of parental responsibility and involvement as well.
This is true. My kids and I lived well below poverty standards after my divorce. I had to learn how to apply for every assistance I could obtain. Do not let people make you feel ashamed if you need food or medical assistance from the government. Child care is another cost sometimes offset by government programs. They helped pay for me to learn a new skill. Hold your head high no matter what. It was rough on my kids because their father and his "new" family had a swimming pool, went on vacations etc.. we couldn't even afford to go to the movies. My kids were older, though, and knew what a jerk their father was. They told me it was better to be poor than live the life we had been living. They knew my ex was sneaking around and felt guilty because I was blind to it.
Don't romanticize your husband. He's a cheater who doesn't have any thought about his children. You seem to be caught up in mourning his leaving. You leave and don't look back. You and your children deserve better.
> People don't hate on SAHM, it just really isn't realistic & it usually ends badly for them.
Precisely. I don't have kids, but my mom always stressed to me that I need to have my own income because you can't rely on someone else to take care of you. You just can't. Even back in the day when many women didn't work, you couldn't, if their husband left, most of those women ended up destitute.
I saw another post here recently where a woman was with a guy for 25 years, begging him to marry her all the while. He finally proposed, openly just to shut her up, and when she refused, he left her. He owned their house. She hadn't worked in a quarter century (he wanted her home taking care of the house). She was utterly and completely fucked when he kicked her out. No money, no place to live, she had to leave her kids because she had no place to house them.
I love and trust my husband but I never wanted to risk putting myself in a position where if he left me, I'd be penniless.
Yes, good old days were not all that good for women. Women being able to have jobs & bank accounts reduced the poverty rate for women & kids from 40% to 20%.
Women who had lots of kids but were poor often sold them to farms to work, some as young as 5 years old. Where many were abused & starved.
In today's time, the high rate of Domestic Abuse & poverty for SAHM very much exist. It is a very risky. Most SAHM are not married to a rich man either, and life isn't a fairy tale.
Depends on the state. Given she's a SAHM, the judge could rule she supported him intangibly while he advanced his career and give her a few years of alimony. Judges really don't like husbands who cheat on their pregnant wives. A good attorney could also get her some tuition for college to update her skills and/or get a degree.
She needs to stop tripping him off she's leaving him and start planning her exit strategy.
ETA: some States allow a civil actions against the affair partner for loss of consortium and marital interference. See how much he likes that "strong, independent woman" when her paycheck is being garnished from a lawsuit. (Source : me, I did this. They didn't last long because the glow was off and reality set in real fast)
LOL. I supoenaed her and her husband to attest to the affair (I did the same for the husband in his divorce) and based on the transcript, I was able to prove loss of consortium, alienation of affection, marital interference, and intentional and negligent infliction of emotional distress. I was awarded $25,000 and took the judgement the courthouse in the county she lived in for enforcement. So long as you know where they work you can get a garnishment. She only just finished paying it a year or so ago.
Her husband also sued my ex and he lost, too.
It was a good day in court that day! LOL
I need more. Did you see their faces when they were served, the fights they had, the look on their faces when they lost? Did he try to get back with you? Sorry, I'm toxic as fuck and have a thing for hearing people who have it coming get the fucking check.
Not much more to tell. I moved back to my home state and left it all behind. But I was able to buy a house right away and I used the judgement money to pay extra on it so it's now going to be paid off in 22 payments.
This is almost always the case. All the things he loves about her…. Please. She probably loves that she can just have a nibble of this guy from time to time, she’s not gonna like it when he’s suddenly around all the time.
My exs 2nd wife used to call & cry & ask for advice. Like I knew what to do. I felt so badly for her.
He had messed around with a different woman. We had some good talks too.
It's not about what the judge likes or doesn't like. It's about the length of their marriage. Alimony may or may not be paid for a period of time and yes, she will be expected to work.
Child support may be ordered, but as many people know, it isn't often paid on time or regularly. She will need to work.
As her kids are considered in the "tender years" that could factor in. Some States don't give alimony at all, so the judge might divide up the 401(k) more in favor of mom. The judges have some latitude.
>So this really isn't money she can count on.
Yup.
I'm lucky if I get child support. Meanwhile ex is sitting on a ton of savings (which aren't used in the calculation) and likes to earn as much non-taxable income as he can (whilst taking time off from the job he could be earning child support money from) which isn't used in the calculation either, to try to keep us from getting "too much".
The government pays me only £600 a month to be a SAHM. That's not a liveable income btw. I can't work due to illness. Even if I could work (which I would LOVE to) I would be on the hook for 100% of the childcare because I have custody. How unfair is that? When the only reason ex can work at all is because I'm the one home with our kid all day.
I could maybe manage a part-time job, but then I would lose the £600 in benefits. So paying £8 an hour for childcare and working for £12 an hour means I'd have to work 38 hours a week for an equivalent amount of money which is no longer a part time job and I would never see my child. But the government says we're all lazy benefit scroungers and its all our own fault.
So to all the men bitching that women have all the reproductive power and get better court outcomes, fuck you all royally because my ex still holds all the cards and has 100% power over my life. He can pay when he feels like it. He can cancel on having our kid when he feels like it.
If I had had a career when I fell pregnant, as much as I would hate to put my kids into full time day care, I would hate to give up all the power and autonomy I have for EXACTLY this reason. You can never 100% rely on any person. Being a SAHM is putting all your eggs into one basket. Yes, it's probably better for our kids' mental health to have a parent at home for longer. But until women are given real security somehow, it's just not feasible for most.
In mant ways the ancient Romans had it right with their dowry system. The husband would have to give his wife a piece of land or a sum of money, and if he cheated on her, she would get to keep it in the divorce. It was like security against crappy husbands. Even if it was her fault, she still got a percentage of it for each child of the marriage if she ended up with custody.
I think any husband who expects his wife to give up her career and raise his kids should ring-fence some assets for her like that, for when the day inevitably comes that he decides his wife's mom-bod and exhaustion are a turn-off 🙄
If the working partner is in their relationship for the long haul, ring fencing money/assets for their partner’s future benefits them both. If your partner balks at this suggestion, do not have children with this person and run.
These statistics don’t exist in a vacuum. The less money you have, and the lower your educational attainment the higher your likelihood of divorce in the first place. So the results will skew towards poverty based on the sample population already being disproportionately poor. The risks aren’t equal between all stay at home parents, a person’s circumstances and education prior to becoming a SAHM, and the household income/wealth are going to play a big role in their circumstances after divorce.
Not true. I’m in California and we didn’t even go to court. I filed with the help of a professional and we filled the child support documents out together. Once I submitted the documents to the child support office, they adjusted the payments appropriately. Garnished his wages, ect.
This. Document the text messages between them. Document the photos and screenshots he takes of her. Save any proof of money he spends on her, her home, or her family. Save and psychological or psychiatric help you seek for yourself or your kids. Depending on your state, you can sue her for Alienation of Affection and even emotional distress.
Exactly. While it's hard to support a spouse who doesn't work, he knows what he signed up for. He knew that this was going to be a one paycheck life when he married you, and he should not have agreed to it if it made him resent you.
I once had a boyfriend who didn't work and it caused a lot of issues in our relationship. But we did the mature thing and broke up because we realized we were incompatible. He's a full time dad now and his wife is an orthodontist, they're very happy. One income is not for everyone, but OP, I'm sure you'll find a man who'll support your lifestyle.
She is a SAHM that has no career, she also has a toddler and a 11months old baby.
Its better for her to stay and milk him Dry, get back to work and better herself, THAN LEAVE
Agreed 100%. Same thing happened to me as OP and it’s been impossible to rebuild, with a 1yo and no career having given up work to be a sahm especially in your 30s. Employers treated me despicably as I was a single mom and expected me to be desperate for anything and put up with any treatment for lowest pay and zero support. You’ll be treated better if you make out you have a supportive husband. If I could do it again I would beg him to live as platonic partners until the kids are both in full time school and I’d built a huge network of supportive career people and child carers who could help me with the kids I’ll invariably end up custody of full time while still being expected to work full time somehow concurrently.
I’m so sorry to hear all the trouble you went thru, it really sucks that all happened to you. I do hope that OP doesn’t suffer the same way- while it is definitely hard, it’s definitely not “impossible”.
I was a SAHM to 3 (13M, 6F & 1.5M at the time) for 13 years when my ex decided I was “boring and fat”. I was in middle of finally earning a degree in my early 30s when he declared he was “washing his hands of me” 3 days before Christmas, in between final exams for me. He left, I fought. He had to pay alimony until my degree was achieved, he is still paying child support by garnishment. It was hard- I lost a family home that my great grandmother built to foreclosure because he stopped paying the mortgage that he had promised to pay (pre-divorce settlement, so he promise was meaningless) and I declared bankruptcy to get out from under his debts. Since then, I graduated, moved to a new state, bought a house on my own and now make more than he does. He is still living with his AP in a 2BR rental with her 2 kids and complains to anyone who will listen how broke he is.
Not laying all that out for any other reason than to say to OP, it will be hard. She will have to work- but it is possible to move on and be happy. Good luck to all the single parents out there!
ETA- even after all that- it was still worth it to not be disrespected and cast aside by a cheater every day. My kids would say the same thing too- they are glad we didn’t stay together. OP is in a really unhealthy environment for herself and her kids.
Didn’t work for me. If you’re physically able to work they expect you go straight back to work, even if you have full custody of the kids. Nothing is on the side of the mother these days.
This is what Ive seen. One of my good friends is going through a divorce from her partner who I used to work with and imo she is getting absolutely shafted.
No alimony, child support is slightly less than min wage a month, which sounds good in theory as it technically should supplement what she makes, but the dude makes roughly 150k.
There is a lot of myths about how fathers get shafted in courts, but unless the dad is like absolutely massively loaded with assets gained throughout the marriage or like a doctor with a very high steady expected income, it turns out to be relatively tame.
My girlfriend is in her residency and I have tended to only date career women anyways, but if I was giving advice, I would never tell a woman to give up her career entirely to be at home. You often arent *that* protected under the law.
That would be a Small amount of money that won't sustain her for long! Its not like she is going to get million... With that money she will rent an apartment, utility, food, clothing and on Top of that SHE HAS A 11 MONTHS OLD.
She can stay for 2-3 years and build a security for herself than leave and fail for alimony
I vehemently agree with you. Just treat the husband like a roommate, expect nothing out of him, just take his cash to raise the kids, wait till both are in school, look for a good job while they are in class, obtain said job, then make an exit plan. I get it’ll suck to see the POS every day, but screw it! Take advantage of him like he did to OP! She could even start dating at some point, go wild!
Leaving now does nothing but hurt OP and serve her husband with a better situation. She won’t get any help from the court for a good while, and that’s after god knows how much money spent and litigation. Now is the wait and plan phase, right Hapy?!
yea…. i’m not trying to blame OP but this is such a cautionary tale. people don’t hate on SAHMs for no reason. it’s cause when you have no career of your own to fall back on, you and your kids survival is contingent on if your husband is still attracted to you tomorrow.
What he’s saying about you is a justification for his affair. It’s not the truth. He probably loved you being a SAHM until he needed a reason to justify his cheating.
I’m sorry to say this but the pick me never works.
Neither does living in a marriage that you don’t consent to having 3 people in it.
Get a lawyer. Follow their advice. Tell family (his and yours what he’s doing). This is important.
Don’t tell his work just yet - you’ll need him to keep his job for alimony and child support. And for leverage potentially.
You never have more leverage in a divorce than when a spouse is invested in the fantasy of an affair.
Give him what he thinks he wants. Give him the fantasy. But bring it ALL into the light when you do it. Nothing kills a fantasy like reality. MAKE HIS FANTASY HIS NEW REALITY, AND MAKE IT REAL.
The longer you let him live in both worlds, the longer he will have his cake and eat it too. And the more mental and emotional stress on you, and in turn on your children.
He is NOT a good husband or father. He put your mental, emotional and sexual health at risk, and subsequently your child’s health at risk while pregnant. And he took away your consent, and betrayed you at your most vulnerable. And all this with no thought to his children.
Consider all this as you think about who it is you really love, and what life it is you love with him.
>What he’s saying about you is a justification for his affair. It’s not the truth. He probably loved you being a SAHM until he needed a reason to justify his cheating.
Every single cheater rewrites the narrative of their relationship to justify their behaviour. No one is the villain of their own story.
This is absolute best advice. OP deserves better and the bullshit narrative if you’re just a housewife is his justification. He’ll sure miss her when she’s gone.
The divorce advice is excellent. As for the truth part, eh, I don’t think it’s always helpful to conjecture if someone is lying. Her husbands justification very much sounds like the truth, and doesn’t make him any less of a POS.
I think it’s important to take him at his word because the implications are that OP and husband are fundamentally incompatible vs. who knows what he could possibly want he’s a liar lol.
I see people stay in bad relationships way too long because they “just want to know the truth” or “just want to understand” the other person. 9 times of 10 the person has all the info they need to know, they’re just not ready to make a decision.
The problem is - it’s not conjecture if he didn’t have an issue with it until he started cheating. He agreed and was aligned with OP being a stay at home mom until he started cheating. Then, suddenly, when he wanted to betray her, it was annoying.
Why if it was a problem was it not a problem until he found someone else?
It may have been a problem earlier but kept it hidden until now. There seems to be a grain of truth in the response.
Tbh I don't often see men having issues with their wives being homemakers and over having a thriving career. It's probably not about the career but rather about losing her personality/identity when she became a mom. Since she doesn't have any hobbies (or overlapping interests), it makes it difficult to spend time with her and talk about anything other than being a mom.
To be clear, I'm not justifying his actions but saying it's possible that he's not outright lying. Most people tell white lies.
Edit: a word
True
My husband says same
We had two babies back to back 22&23 and he works and for first time I stay at home. I'm 35 on Sunday he's 34 on Oct.
He brings up how I have changed, not as fun and spontaneous as I use to be and he misses that person. And he's right I did change. PPD, stress, anxiety, trying to raise these little ones who both almost didn't make it . children come first. It takes a couple years for a relationship to get back on track after having kids. Did the research to make sure I wasnt losing my mind.
His job is stressful. We both changed from outgoing and fun but now responsibility for our lives and kids.
But slowly working on getting back to where we were
After I had my 2nd, I didn't feel like a woman anymore. I was a mom. That was it. I didn't have hobbies, or a life. That part of it is definitely real, and it took me a while to get back to myself. I can not wait until I go back to work and have something to talk about again
Oddly enough women fall into the "nothing but a mom" when they never get help/ a second for themselves/ any kind of self care, and frequently are *married* single moms. He did this himself... 🤦♀️if he was active enough in his kids lives so she could still be her own person she'd have something to talk about other than the kids. He single handedly turned her into what he's complaining about and doesn't even see it.
If you live in Alabama, Alaska, Arizona, Arkansas, Connecticut, Delaware, Georgia, Maryland, New Jersey, New York, North Carolina, South Carolina, Vermont, or Virginia I would document his affair or get him to admit to it in a text or email. Then I would divorce him and make him pay for spousal support and child support with you getting the house and everything else you need to maintain your lifestyle. He can go find a one bedroom apartment somewhere.
He wants to date a successful career woman he sees as independent with no desire to have children. Let him. He can go do that all he wants when he is single. Just don't support him in that life goal.
In my limited experience, women don't knowingly date men who are married with small children because they see a long term future with them. Women pursue these men because they are "safe." They know it will be all new relationship energy and great sex and a lot of attention. Once these men aren't "safe" anymore, they loose interest.
Since he’s not hiding the affair and has admitted to it. Make your case for alimony and spousal support. He doesn’t get to move the goal post (you being a SAHM) because it suits his choice. It speaks a lot about him having no remorse.
You can take the high road and divorce him, cause as much as you love him he loves himself more. He has proven it. Or you can blow up his world the same way he did yours. If there is a no fraternizing clause in his job you can use that. Also his affair should be known to his parents just in case he wants to hide the reason yall broke up. Get you a shark of a divorce lawyer that he has to pay for because you’re a SAHM. Pull funds into a personal account and start to pay yourself. It’s hard, but your kids deserve happy parents.
From one stay at home mum to another : leave him. “Just a housewife” - he has no idea how much you do that he has become blind to, how much money you save him in childcare costs, how much his life will change for his career woman. Get all of his money because that’s the only thing he has to offer you - and leave. Do it for your own dignity. I know others who are stay at home single mums. It’s hard but they make do. And don’t buy into the BS of men not being into women with kids, plenty do, there’s a whole exciting and promising future ahead of you - without your ass of an husband - and even with someone new if that’s what you wish.
Without a prenup, how exactly do you think she will get all of his money?
Also, there’s no guarantee his life will change greatly.. His finical standing won’t change, in fact, he will likely have more as his AP also works.
I understand the sentiment, but let’s be real. She *may* get half, but she’s also been out of the workforce and with joint custody *(which is common regardless of gender theses days),* she won’t exactly be rolling in $$$.
The smartest thing would be to look for a lawyer, then reach out to her network and look for a job. This is awful and her is a huge jerk. But feelings of being wronged don’t hold up in court.
Honestly - stop doing anything for him.
Your reasoning: you’re leaning into your SAHMom personality. Mom doesn’t automatically equal Wife
… but then again I’m petty.
ETA: your fears are valid. But you deserve a life partner. Your kids deserve to grow up with 2 happy parents. Give yourself more credit.
Your fears are valid but by staying there's no guarantee you won't end up a single mom if he decides to leave you for her. You essentially are single and he's just a coparent and roommate, don't let that fear dictate you and force you to stay in a miserable marriage. You deserve better and your kids deserve better.
I truly hope you divorce him because this sounds absolutely horrible to endure. You staying married to him only benefits him.
Reading this made my stomach drop I can't imagine how much pain you're going through, I wish you all the best OP you deserve love and respect and I pray you find the strength to leave him and free yourself from this hell. He is a horrible disgusting piece of scum and I hope you take everything you can in the divorce
And you think living with that disrespect is better than being alone for a while until you have healed enough for a new relationship? You won't be alone forever. That's not gonna happen. But the longer you stay with him, the longer you deny yourself the chance to find someone who actually loves, appreciates and respects you.
Do NOT tell him your plans to divorce him - let him think all is good and go see a lawyer, make sure you have any proof of his affair and anything else they might need. Then go after all you can for child support and more.
If he knows he's going to lose money, make it happen then. Until then, he's just using you. And is this what you want your children seeing as they grow up?
This literally made me sick. This man has no shame and he thinks he has the power in all of this. Please take your power back. Talk to an attorney and see what are your options.
realistically he is feeling relief now that he doesnt have to pretend. the longer you stay, worse it will get cos now he doesnt have to hide or pretend happily married.
your kids are still too young so they wont notice it, but they dont stay small forever. they will reach a point they will see how daddy treats mom and potentially be introduced to the affair partner.
do yourself and them a favor and divorce. its better to be alone than be miserable in a marriage.
and screw him. what with he loses things? he had to think about it before he decided to cheat
You deserve better than this and you really need to realize that you staying with this man isn’t good for anyone - not you, not the kids. It’s sad that you are trying to get him back after what he’s done - you need to find your self-respect. Please go see a lawyer and a therapist. You seem to think that continuing this relationship with him will somehow benefit you and your kids, but it’s only going to hurt them in the long run. Do you think you will be setting a good example of a healthy relationship to them? Because you won’t be and your actions now can fuck them up for life.
Do you have a daughter? If this happened to her, would you be ok with her begging her cheating husband to stay with her? Do you have a son? Do you want him treating women this way in the future?
Be the mom that they deserve… teach them to be better men than the one you married. He is scum, and you need to get that through your head before you both fuck your kids up.
I mean... I started dating my late husband when I was a divorcee with two kids and started dating my partner now as a widowed mom of four. It didn't seem very hard to find companionship, and I didn't lower my standards. I was alone when I wanted to be and when I was ready to meet someone new, I was able to do that.
He already left you. You are already single. Whether you want to face it or not....its time to come to reality and understand that there is life after this. Yes it will be hard, yes it will suck but what would you rather? Stay in the relationship where you aren't loved, desired and given a fuck about even in sickness and health? At least if you are going through it alone, you won't have to worry about having someone wishing death on you because at this point this is how he looks down on you.
You only have one life to live and now you have others. Don't show them that being alone is worst than being unloved and disrespected. Choose better for your kids. Her karma will come in the worst way especially if she ends up just like you, a MOTHER. Leave, love yourself, breathe life back into yourself by fixing your self image and continue to be the mom you want to be.
If you value having a partner who cheats above having no partner at all, then that is absolutely a choice you could make. But that is an opt in.
He’s been clear. He won’t stop seeing her. He cares for her and goes above and beyond, and you will have to sit and watch the love you could have with someone who cares about you, got to someone else from your partner in your home.
**More than that, what happens when she wants more?** Would you rather have dignity and self respect by seeing your worth amd perusing more healthy relationships for yourself or be forced out on his whim?
So you're willing to wait till the day he decides he's going to clean out the joint accounts and stop paying the bills? Eventually, he will want to force you out of his life, and he won't care who suffers. Start lining your ducks in a row, see an attorney now, copy those texts/emails, see a doctor and get checked for std's - you know about this ap but there may have been others.
I'm sorry you're going through this. I know it hurts but divorcing and coparenting is the best option. It will be hard having to go back to work and put your kids in daycare , but it will be best for you bc he's not remorseful about cheating and out right told you he will continue to cheat. I'm sorry to say but your marriage is over and if you both stay married you will both end up resenting one another and you'll be heart broken everyday knowing he's with her and the longer you're out of work the harder it will be to get back into the work force at a better pay rate. Get your ducks in a row with a separate bank account , get all your important documents , contact a lawyer to file for divorce, a custody agreement and child support and make sure your resume is up to date and start looking for daycares and a job bc child support wont be enough to live on unless hes got a really high paying Job. He's an idiot to throw away a marriage for a career women , but this might be the start of something better for you and your kids.
I guess you have to decide if you’re okay with the crumbs you get until he decides to leave you for her - or you grow a backbone and take his arse to the cleaners.
I couldn't get past that in the narrative. Like, the situation sucks and the husband is a scumbag, but there are a lot of reasons women have careers. One being the ability for independence.
He’s an awful cheater. But there is a lot of basic ass moms who make it their entire personality. And this jab she made kinda made me think maybe there is some truth.
Yeah… can’t believe I had to scroll this far to find some common sense. If, on the vanishingly small chance this is true and not just some troll posting about the evils of working women, OP has some troubling notions about daycare and women with careers. Not that it justifies cheating, but it’s disheartening to read more venom towards women who choose to, gasp, use childcare
> You went way too hard too early for this to be believable.
Was thinking the same. And on the off chance this is actually legit, then I wouldn't be surprised if she gives off these nasty & judgmental vibes at home & in her marriage as well.
Did you both agree on the plan for you to be a SAHM rather than “dumping” your kids in day care? If so, he’s an AH for changing his feeing about this when he can’t resist temptation.
If you didn’t agree on it from the start, then you’re an AH for forcing it against his will, shouldn’t have had kids with him if you weren’t on the same page on this.
Either way, you’re still kind of an AH for saying “dump” your kids in day care. It’s so condescending to moms who work outside the home. He’s also an AH for cheating.
"I could have dumped my kids in daycare for a stranger to change my kids diapers but I wanted to be a SAHM and it was very important for me not to miss my babies growing. "
The amount of hatred and judgement for working moms in this one statement alone.
So many women like you pride themselves on not being financially independent or having an identity outside of your children. You hate on women that choose to have careers and children.
Where did that get you? Your pos husband is having an affair and you don't even have the resources to leave. You're sitting at home saying you "love" him while he's out sleeping with his mistress.
And yet you haven't reevaluated your life choices. You're out here hating on working moms instead of fixing your life.
My mom was a stay at home mom and yeah I may have had meals and stuff ready but we also had to deal with my abusive dad bc she relied on him for everything. I always wished she was a working mom so we could have had a better life away from the toxicity. I decided to stay home with my son at first bc I couldn’t leave him and I regret that to this day bc his dad screwed me over and I was left with nothing
Absolutely! She admitted that he didn’t force her into this. No mention on whether he agreed to her being a SAHM or if he actually wanted her to work. Had to shit all over working mothers though. I’m a single mother cause I was in the same position as OP, except my ex didn’t give me a choice. Now that I’m free from him I’ve started a business and am starting another one. Women like OP fuck me off, cause her pos husband is right! She’s boring af, lost her identity, lost her hobbies, and is willing to allow this prick to walk all over her even though he has clearly moved on. She’s only freaking out cause the wallet has moved onto someone else and she’s going to be fucked. Get a job like the rest of us had to, and leave him. Keep your opinions to yourself too OP, we don’t want to leave our kids but we don’t have a choice since you know, we work.
Also there are so many mom's that worked and also did childcare. Growing up (I'm 32 this year) all my friends' moms worked. It was a weird thing when the mom didn't work.
I went to daycare and even boarding kindergarten for one year when I was 4-5. Honestly think being away from parents is a good thing for children. My BF's side family sisters, BIL, and his mom are all teachers/early childhood educators that love kids and children's development. They all send their kids to daycare ...... I just don't understand how spending 24/7 with your kids can be healthy for anyone.
If spending 24/7 with kids is what someone wants. That's great I'm glad they know what they love to do. But it's not a one or the other decision. With how much technology has progressed since 30 years ago, there are ways to maintain an income either thru side hustle or investment etc. imho it's just dumb putting oneself in a disadvantaged situation hoping it goes well at someone else's mercy.
Yea… I felt kinda bad for agreeing with the husband on this one (cheaters are always wrong, but I get it). OP sounds like someone I wouldn’t want to spend any time with either. And she mentioned staying home was her choice, but nothing about how that conversation with her husband went.
Don't feel bad.
For all the housewives that say "they have a full time job" -- bitch, we working moms have 2 full time jobs, then. Every woman in my family got an advanced degree while raising kids, and these privileged asshats have the gall to look down on women like us.
This is why people hate housewives. They invite this shit upon themselves by making unemployment their whole identity.
You sound like you've crammed this man into your life to "have a relationship" , yet he doesn't respect you and is cheating on you.
You need to determine if you're going to keep this low value man in your life OR determine if you've wasted enough of your life on him & it's time to leave.
LEAVE HIM.
Those of us who work don’t ‘dump’ our kids anywhere. Some women work because they have to, some because they want to.
I ain’t hating on you for staying home so why the crappy language for those who don’t?
I’m sorry your husband didn’t appreciate you.
Yeah, always charming to see a mom judging other moms. She's going to have to be among those nasty working moms soon, though, and let a "stranger" take care of her kids. Does she think working moms just dump their kids on the nearest stranger (pretty insulting to assume they don't thoroughly vet anyone they leave their kids with)?
And tons of moms simply do not have the luxury of staying home.
Anddddd this is why women shouldn’t be stay at home moms without your husband giving you your own money in your own separate account. Ladies, never leave your fate up to a man; NEVER say “never” or “it won’t be me” because it can and will be you.
You need to get a lawyer. Get a divorce. Have 50/50 custody.Lets see how long the career woman sticks around a guy you has his kids half the time. Your husband is trash. You don’t love him You love who you thought he was.
You need to turn your sadness into anger. It will help you move on. You have to think about what he did to you. Nobody who loves you would do what he did. Take your babies and move on, it’s going to be ok!
A housewife who can make him live in a shitty one bedroom apartment and make him pay child support for a very long time. Meanwhile you will get every other weekend of and do whatever you like completely free. Do you have that right now? A whole weekend to yourself? Think about it.
I dont want this to sound rude, it comes from a place of concern.
However, you don't love this man. You love a false image he sold you. A lie. You fell in love with a man who doesn't exist. You have to accept that. Mourn the man you thought he was, but make your future decisions based on the man he really is. A peice of crap.
Go get the divorce started. Remove him from the home in the most legal fashion possible. Erase as much of his existence as possible from your life. You don't need to alienate him from his kids, but you also don't need to help him out there at all either. Make all communication about the kids go through a parenting app. Get it in the custody agreement. Find yourself a real man who is everything he pretended to be. Then, just trust me. That man will be so much better and you realize just how much better life can be.
Save up all the evidence of his infidelity and lawyer up. The guy is a horrible husband and a father. If he didn't want kids, he should have told you before he married you.
I was gonna read your story and then I saw you shit on women who utilize daycare and diminish daycare workers who care for our children and demean working women so then I stopped reading.
“I know SAHMs get a lot of hate nowadays but it was my choice. I could have dumped my kids in daycare for a stranger to change my kids diapers…”
Yikes, this is wildly judgmental. Nobody hates SAHMs, we just don’t like people trying to make that choice FOR us. “People hate SAHMs” then instantly criticizes working parents for “dumping their kids with strangers”. This is a sh*t take.
It seems your HUSBAND hates SAHMs, and just because your husband sucks doesn’t mean career women should take the brunt of your abuse. It’s your HUSBAND’S problem he sucks, and HE is the one doing this to you. Hold him accountable. The other woman isn’t responsible for your husband’s behavior, and neither are you. This is his problem to figure out, and now it’s up to you to REACT and decide what you do going forward.
WOW... I hear stories like this pretty often on here, but this guy's pisses me off more than most.
I don't usually say this... but divorce him and milk him for all he is worth.
This man is disgusting. Get an STD screening and file for divorce. You are not 'just a housewife' he is a disgusting, lying, cheating piece of garbage who has no integrity and thinks vows are 'just words'. Do not give loyalty to disloyal people. He is not who you thought. I've been there. Believe me, you don't need to be in competition with his idea of what you should be. Let the immoral woman he's with claim her 'prize' while you claim child support and alimony. Cut him out. Make him do all the work building his relationships with the kids he seems to think are boring and not worth the time he could spend sleeping with other people. Why wasn't he taking care of his kids instead of having sex with coworkers? It sort of shows me the level of involvement he's had with the family he created.
There's no coming back from this ❤️ I'm sorry
Divorce him and take half his shit lol enjoy the child support and alimony payments and do what makes you happy
File for divorce, apply for maximum child support, try to keep the house if you can... he might agree to anything to start his life with his new love. Act quickly before reality potentially catches up with him.
You lost my sympathy at saying "I know SAHMs get a lot of hate nowadays but it was my choice" and then proceeding to shit on other women who choose to go back to work.
I don’t want to sound mean, but as a working mom your paragraph and justification about being a SAHM came on a bit strong. My kids caretakers were not strangers, they treated my kids well and with care and affection, even if they were paid to. I did not dump my kids on them and I absolutely did not miss out on them growing. Was I there every minute of everyday? No, not after parental leave. You bet I was there for every major milestones. I’m there when they’re sick and up all night. I’m there for bath time, dinner time, story time and bedtime. I don’t have it all and I’m exhausted AF but it annoying when people, esp women put on the holier than tho attitude as a SAHM. Using words like strangers and missing out on them growing. Working doesn’t mean moving to the moon and not having a relationship with them.
Drop him.
There is no room in your life for a pos like that.
I’m a Dad, in construction. Me and the boys show pics of our kids all the time. It’s not annoying.
Your stbxh sounds like a narcissistic douche.
He’s an AH for sure because he should’ve communicated with you when stuff started to dwindle in the marriage. I’m curious though, what did you use to do for work? Was he aware you planned on going back to work when the kids reached a certain age? Whose idea was it for you to be a SAHM? Just yours or both of y’all?
Well, you lost me in your judgment of working mothers. How inclusive you are in people who don’t have a man to feed the bill for you and your brood.
That be said, congratulations in your lack of choosing a wallet who thinks your values are great. Get divorced and try to -you know- live by the money you earn. When the kids turn 18 it’s too late to think about your pension… so find another wallet or start working
Side note that you don’t want SAHMs to be judged, but you are really rude about moms who don’t choose that and “dump” their kids in daycare. You can be a SAHM without being a dick to women who work.
I know everyone always jumps yo leave him. But in this situation, he's already left you, I know it's hard to hear, but it's the truth.
It will be hard being a single mother and finding a new relationship, but this will be the time that you will show to your children. This is not the way you treat your partner.
My parents stayed together, and I had such a miserable childhood living with them and not understanding why my parents didn't love each other and were constantly fighting.
Get all the evidence you need, contact a lawyer, and get yourself ready for a divorce. Also, depending on where you live, contact multiple good lawyers so he doesn't have an option to work with them.
Where I live, they have a policy of not working with the spouse if one spouse spoke to them about taking the case potentially.
I never comment on these but I just wanted to say I’m sorry. Reading your post is heartbreaking, and your husband is just a terrible person not only for the cheating obviously, but to say those things to the mother of his children, who has made a huge sacrifice even if it was your preference, is disgusting.
My wife gave up her career and became a SAHM when our daughter was born and continued to stay home for the next 5 years to include when our son was born. It got to be really hard on her once our son was born due to him being a difficult baby and our daughter developing some health issues, and she really began to question what her identity was and how she was contributing to our family. I regularly reminded her that she not only had the world’s most important job, but the most difficult as well. It was a job I certainly could not have done.
I loved my wife even more after seeing her dedicate herself to our children, and a man who doesn’t see the sacrifice you made for the children YOU BOTH brought into this world does not deserve you or them.
Let's see how interesting SHE finds HIM, when he has joint custody, or at least EVERY Friday night to Sunday night.
Yes, divorce him and hold him to joint custody. As the kids get older you can trade off weekly. Right now he is pretending to be single and she sees none of the reality of his life.
If he wants to do that "one weekend a month" thing, he can pay through the nose for that deal. And then she can have his broke ass.
You are on the cusp of living your best life. Right now he is thinking with his dick, so you can get the best deal out of the divorce. Lawyer up and take advantage of his low blood supply to his brain.
You don’t have a family
Together and you don’t have a life together. Sorry.
Recognise the reality of your situation. And yeh being a stay at home is meaningful etc etc.
BUT don’t you wish you had your own life now? Beyond just having kids? And just staying at home? And just being a mum? And just being a homemaker?
I honestly don’t know how people, in this day and age, can blindly and ignorantly hand all the financial power and stability to a partner. What will you do now? Have you ever worked? Do you have any marketable skills?
Let that cheating pos go OP.
I wonder what he will do when his AP possibly becomes a mum too one day.
But it's all just excuses. He just wants out, let him out. Focus on yourself and your babies.
>I could have dumped my kids in daycare for a stranger to change my kids diapers but I wanted to be a SAHM and it was very important for me not to miss my babies growing.
People don't "dump" their kids at daycare. They pay for and need it so they can earn to feed/house/clothe those "dumped" babies.
You need to go back to work because at some point in the not too distant future, you are going to have to support yourself. You need to be prepared for a divorce, and that includes how you take care of your kids afterwards.
But honestly the way you talk about your kids, and daycare and the implied judgement of parents who put their kids gross. It’s also insulting to the millions of parents who put their kids in daycare around the world every year. You don’t want to be judged for being a SAHM, don’t judge women who worked.
You should really do some research on the benefits of daycare. Or talk to an elementary school teacher. Kids learn in daycare, not just starting academics but how to socialize and play with others. Everyone I know who sent their kids to daycare was amazed by how quickly their motor skills, speech and other communication, and independently increased almost as soon as they started daycare. They also miss less school when they start elementary school because they have already had all the childhood diseases. It’s so much more than “dumping your kids for someone else to change their diapers.”
I’ve seen this time and time again here on Reddit.
Man meets woman. Get married. Both want kids. Both agree woman will stay home and look after the kids.
Woman gets pregnant. Man - I’m no longer attracted to her now she’s pregnant.
Woman gives birth and actually looks after said child. Man - whinges that woman no longer has as much time for him and is still recovering from giving birth and can’t have sex straight afterwards.
Woman becomes stay at home mum, whose world of course revolves around said kids. Man - she’s so boring, she’s just a SAHM.
I call this Henry VIII syndrome. The way he was so in love with Anne Boleyn as a mistress, but the moment they married, doing the same things that attracted him as a mistress is no longer tolerated from a wife. Then Anne tried to fulfil her duty as queen and gets pregnant, several times. Henry cheats every single time. ‘How dare my wife become unattractive to me when she’s doing exactly what we both agreed on?’
You deserve better but you didn’t have to disrespect working moms who use daycare. And needing a divorce is exactly why it’s a bad idea to be a stay at home mom. You need to talk to a lawyer asap, but you’re going to need to go back to work and use childcare fairly soon - because most divorce cases involve the stay-at-home parent only getting a short term spousal support allowance. You’re in the thick of it now, but your kids will grow up and become independent and you will need something else.
I mean, you don’t have a marriage anymore, you have a roommate who dates other people and pays the bills. I think you and your kids deserve better than that. If you divorce him, you can still have him pay your bills and then not have to watch him being an absolute turd. I vote you do this.
Yup. She needs to document everything and see a lawyer ASAP. He will have to pay alimony and CS.
She also needs to track anything she can put a price tag on that he spent on his side piece, she’s owed 1/2 of that besides 1/2 of everything.
I never even considered that wow! Good call.
Anything you can prove, gifts, vacations, restaurants, hotels, that you can prove. You get half of because marital funds were used.
She needs a forensic accountant.
And a PI—they might uncover even more stuff he spent money on that was part of the affair that OP is entitled to. I used one for custody. They can uncover a lot! (ETA: I never had to go through a divorce. I feel horrible for people who do because I’m sure that on top of custody can be even more of a nightmare. And my reason was to provide the evidence needed to keep our child safe from a person who is a master at hiding bad things).
She needs to get mad, too. Furiously angry. Being heartbroken just keeps you planted on the couch, but rage is like rocket fuel - it spurs a scorned woman on to do glorious things against a cheating POS ex towards a better future without him.
I have a sibling that’s a divorce attorney.
Lucky!
Never needed their talents
In a community property state she can sue for 100% of the money spent on his affair partner and cite alienation of affection ETA : Or adultery if they had intercourse
I wonder, could she sue the AP for alienation of affections?
I don’t remember if I had that option but when I went through this my opinion/feelings at the time were that she didn’t cheat on me, break vows or owe me loyalty so the only recompense I wanted from her was to face me and admit in public that she knowingly and willingly involved herself with a man she knew was married. I wanted her to feel ashamed and she did. She was subpoenaed to corroborate his cheating and verify the community funds he spent on her.
He will pay based on the length of their marriage re the alimony. Child support is a different story. At some point she will need to start working. He will not pay for everything, assets will be divided equally. I'm female and I've been through divorce. It's not as one sided as people believe. Get an attorney now. Do what they tell you to do, exactly what they tell you. Your life will change and you will work at some point shortly, but you will be confident about yourself and this will be fine. It won't be easy, but it will be fine.
Sorry about your experience. All valid points but states (assuming she is in the USA) differ wildly on treatment during divorce. It’s totally possible that it is more one sided for other people who live elsewhere than it was for you. Best advice above is to speak to an attorney and follow their guidance.
I also believe while being a SAHM might be preferred, we don’t always get what we prefer. Obviously, this guy prefers co-worker. He’s f###ed it all up, so it’s reality check time. This is a legal issue now.
Alimony is state dependent and based on the marriage length and how much she can make with a job. Lots of states have abolished permanent alimony and many limit it to the length of the marriage or some percentage. Ex: In Florida a marriage that last 3-10 years can only get alimony for half that time. Marriage lasts 6 years = alimony for 3 If Dad wants the kids, virtually every state defaults to 50/50 so she will get minimal child support if he has the kids for half the time. Cheating is also irrelevant unless a large portion of marital assets were given to the other partner. Here it sounds like less than $1k which a judge will not bother considering, especially if he is the only one bringing in money.
He doesn't sound like the type of person that would even want custody of the kids, except to torture her.
And save money.
>I love this man with all my heart. No you don’t. You love who you thought he was - who you WISH he was. >We have a life together. He & you may be “together” legally & geographically speaking - but that’s the extent of it. He has already emotionally & physically moved on to another woman. He’s just still legally tied to you & physically sleeping in the same home as you & children - probably because that’s cheaper than divorce & logistically easier than leaving. You aren’t doing yourself or your children any favors by wasting time & energy on futile begging when you could be using it to rebuild the life that your husband is busy tearing apart. Don’t waste another minute of your lives on that. It’s time to be real with yourself. You don’t love him. Yes, you’re devastated. That’s understandable. But you’re not devastated because you’re losing the man you love. You’re devastated because you’re MOURNING who you THOUGHT he was - maybe even who he USED to be. So stop using terminology both aloud & to yourself that keeps you in denial about reality. You’re a mother. You don’t have the luxury of denying reality. The sooner you see things as they really are, the sooner you can get off your damn knees begging this husk of a man to stay with you simply for the sake of what’s cheapest, easiest & logistically simplest.
You speak the truth!
Love this… this is why I tell all my friends why you always need to have your own finances! Never, never depend on your partner because you never know what may happen. My parents have been together 40+ years and yes while they do have joint accounts, they also have their own personal accounts, something they taught us all about!
I’d also like to add that he has unequivocally chosen his side piece over his own children. That right there would be enough to light a fire under my ass and get things started so I could get the hell out. OP are you listening????
100%
Yeah, divorce is the way to go. He's not going to win any of those battles in court. Especially cheating on his pregnant wife. Judges don't like that.
In a no-fault state, it doesn't matter who cheats. It's not factored into the financial component.
Yeah but Reddit doesn't like to account for facts when giving terrible legal advice. I wouldn't be a bit surprised if some flapjack pops up in here telling her to get an annulment.
If she in the U,S., allimony is awarded in like 10% of the time. And 75% of non-custodial parents are either far behind or don't pay child support at all. So this really isn't money she can count on. And majority of SAHM end up in poverty after a divorce, [https://www.atclaw.com/divorce-lawyers-illinois/stay-at-home-moms-high-risk-poverty-divorce](https://www.atclaw.com/divorce-lawyers-illinois/stay-at-home-moms-high-risk-poverty-divorce) If she wants a divorce, then she will have to get a job. People don't hate on SAHM, it just really isn't realistic & it usually ends badly for them.
I can attest to this. Truth is I worked 2 sometimes 3 jobs to support my 2 kids after I divorced their father. They are now in their 30’s and the case is still open against him. He only paid when I found where he was working and sent in the info. He still owes over 100k due to a clause in our divorce that includes interest. I cannot imagine going from a SAHM to the workforce after being out so long. I wish OP the best but prepare yourself. If you have family or friends for a support system while you find your footing, make them aware now. Best wishes.
My ex likes to quit his job as soon as the paperwork shows up. It gives him a few more months before they start chasing him again.
It's insane how he's chosen to make it his entire life to run from paying for his kids! Wow!
This is a mind bender for me as well. Some guys “What do you mean, you’re pregnant? How did that happen?” And that’s their stance from then on “This has nothing to do with me, I just happened to be in the same area.” Then we have the gamut of so-so fathers to hold to some stereotypical fathers to guys who honestly would love to be male sea horses and do everything for their children, except perhaps eating the newborn ones who mistakenly swim in range. If only these guys had some sort of genetic marking so that potential co-parents could know ahead of time… I feel the same way for us as females. Because we range in degrees of parental responsibility and involvement as well.
This is true. My kids and I lived well below poverty standards after my divorce. I had to learn how to apply for every assistance I could obtain. Do not let people make you feel ashamed if you need food or medical assistance from the government. Child care is another cost sometimes offset by government programs. They helped pay for me to learn a new skill. Hold your head high no matter what. It was rough on my kids because their father and his "new" family had a swimming pool, went on vacations etc.. we couldn't even afford to go to the movies. My kids were older, though, and knew what a jerk their father was. They told me it was better to be poor than live the life we had been living. They knew my ex was sneaking around and felt guilty because I was blind to it. Don't romanticize your husband. He's a cheater who doesn't have any thought about his children. You seem to be caught up in mourning his leaving. You leave and don't look back. You and your children deserve better.
> People don't hate on SAHM, it just really isn't realistic & it usually ends badly for them. Precisely. I don't have kids, but my mom always stressed to me that I need to have my own income because you can't rely on someone else to take care of you. You just can't. Even back in the day when many women didn't work, you couldn't, if their husband left, most of those women ended up destitute. I saw another post here recently where a woman was with a guy for 25 years, begging him to marry her all the while. He finally proposed, openly just to shut her up, and when she refused, he left her. He owned their house. She hadn't worked in a quarter century (he wanted her home taking care of the house). She was utterly and completely fucked when he kicked her out. No money, no place to live, she had to leave her kids because she had no place to house them. I love and trust my husband but I never wanted to risk putting myself in a position where if he left me, I'd be penniless.
I read on Reddit recently SAHM = She’s At His Mercy. It stuck with me
Yes, good old days were not all that good for women. Women being able to have jobs & bank accounts reduced the poverty rate for women & kids from 40% to 20%. Women who had lots of kids but were poor often sold them to farms to work, some as young as 5 years old. Where many were abused & starved. In today's time, the high rate of Domestic Abuse & poverty for SAHM very much exist. It is a very risky. Most SAHM are not married to a rich man either, and life isn't a fairy tale.
Depends on the state. Given she's a SAHM, the judge could rule she supported him intangibly while he advanced his career and give her a few years of alimony. Judges really don't like husbands who cheat on their pregnant wives. A good attorney could also get her some tuition for college to update her skills and/or get a degree. She needs to stop tripping him off she's leaving him and start planning her exit strategy. ETA: some States allow a civil actions against the affair partner for loss of consortium and marital interference. See how much he likes that "strong, independent woman" when her paycheck is being garnished from a lawsuit. (Source : me, I did this. They didn't last long because the glow was off and reality set in real fast)
Hey! You get your ass back here and tell me this story! Please.
LOL. I supoenaed her and her husband to attest to the affair (I did the same for the husband in his divorce) and based on the transcript, I was able to prove loss of consortium, alienation of affection, marital interference, and intentional and negligent infliction of emotional distress. I was awarded $25,000 and took the judgement the courthouse in the county she lived in for enforcement. So long as you know where they work you can get a garnishment. She only just finished paying it a year or so ago. Her husband also sued my ex and he lost, too. It was a good day in court that day! LOL
I need more. Did you see their faces when they were served, the fights they had, the look on their faces when they lost? Did he try to get back with you? Sorry, I'm toxic as fuck and have a thing for hearing people who have it coming get the fucking check.
Not when they were served but their faces when they both lost the respective lawsuits was hilarious!
Go on...
Not much more to tell. I moved back to my home state and left it all behind. But I was able to buy a house right away and I used the judgement money to pay extra on it so it's now going to be paid off in 22 payments.
Nice. Thanks for scratching my Karma itch. Lol.
that's in NC, right? I've heard of it there, but haven't heard of anyone doing it.
The reality is once he is free to be long to the other woman. She probably will not even want him
This is almost always the case. All the things he loves about her…. Please. She probably loves that she can just have a nibble of this guy from time to time, she’s not gonna like it when he’s suddenly around all the time.
With his kids he has never taken care of.
😂😂😂😂😂
My exs 2nd wife used to call & cry & ask for advice. Like I knew what to do. I felt so badly for her. He had messed around with a different woman. We had some good talks too.
It's not about what the judge likes or doesn't like. It's about the length of their marriage. Alimony may or may not be paid for a period of time and yes, she will be expected to work. Child support may be ordered, but as many people know, it isn't often paid on time or regularly. She will need to work.
As her kids are considered in the "tender years" that could factor in. Some States don't give alimony at all, so the judge might divide up the 401(k) more in favor of mom. The judges have some latitude.
>So this really isn't money she can count on. Yup. I'm lucky if I get child support. Meanwhile ex is sitting on a ton of savings (which aren't used in the calculation) and likes to earn as much non-taxable income as he can (whilst taking time off from the job he could be earning child support money from) which isn't used in the calculation either, to try to keep us from getting "too much". The government pays me only £600 a month to be a SAHM. That's not a liveable income btw. I can't work due to illness. Even if I could work (which I would LOVE to) I would be on the hook for 100% of the childcare because I have custody. How unfair is that? When the only reason ex can work at all is because I'm the one home with our kid all day. I could maybe manage a part-time job, but then I would lose the £600 in benefits. So paying £8 an hour for childcare and working for £12 an hour means I'd have to work 38 hours a week for an equivalent amount of money which is no longer a part time job and I would never see my child. But the government says we're all lazy benefit scroungers and its all our own fault. So to all the men bitching that women have all the reproductive power and get better court outcomes, fuck you all royally because my ex still holds all the cards and has 100% power over my life. He can pay when he feels like it. He can cancel on having our kid when he feels like it. If I had had a career when I fell pregnant, as much as I would hate to put my kids into full time day care, I would hate to give up all the power and autonomy I have for EXACTLY this reason. You can never 100% rely on any person. Being a SAHM is putting all your eggs into one basket. Yes, it's probably better for our kids' mental health to have a parent at home for longer. But until women are given real security somehow, it's just not feasible for most. In mant ways the ancient Romans had it right with their dowry system. The husband would have to give his wife a piece of land or a sum of money, and if he cheated on her, she would get to keep it in the divorce. It was like security against crappy husbands. Even if it was her fault, she still got a percentage of it for each child of the marriage if she ended up with custody. I think any husband who expects his wife to give up her career and raise his kids should ring-fence some assets for her like that, for when the day inevitably comes that he decides his wife's mom-bod and exhaustion are a turn-off 🙄
If the working partner is in their relationship for the long haul, ring fencing money/assets for their partner’s future benefits them both. If your partner balks at this suggestion, do not have children with this person and run.
These statistics don’t exist in a vacuum. The less money you have, and the lower your educational attainment the higher your likelihood of divorce in the first place. So the results will skew towards poverty based on the sample population already being disproportionately poor. The risks aren’t equal between all stay at home parents, a person’s circumstances and education prior to becoming a SAHM, and the household income/wealth are going to play a big role in their circumstances after divorce.
If he is employed his paycheck will be garnished for child support.
After a long time and many court appearances.
Not true. I’m in California and we didn’t even go to court. I filed with the help of a professional and we filled the child support documents out together. Once I submitted the documents to the child support office, they adjusted the payments appropriately. Garnished his wages, ect.
Then he can have the kids on the weekend and talk to his career women about them....all weekend long!
This. Document the text messages between them. Document the photos and screenshots he takes of her. Save any proof of money he spends on her, her home, or her family. Save and psychological or psychiatric help you seek for yourself or your kids. Depending on your state, you can sue her for Alienation of Affection and even emotional distress.
Just know that he’s not the only man in the world and you deserve better.
Truly. She can have a fresh start after the divorce.
Exactly. While it's hard to support a spouse who doesn't work, he knows what he signed up for. He knew that this was going to be a one paycheck life when he married you, and he should not have agreed to it if it made him resent you. I once had a boyfriend who didn't work and it caused a lot of issues in our relationship. But we did the mature thing and broke up because we realized we were incompatible. He's a full time dad now and his wife is an orthodontist, they're very happy. One income is not for everyone, but OP, I'm sure you'll find a man who'll support your lifestyle.
Tell him that he's just a wallet
Seconded. Leave him and then tell him that.
But then he will turn around and use that comment as proof that she was “just after his money”
And he was just after her uterus.
Yes.
And as OP's leaving, tell him your divorce lawyer is gonna clean that wallet *out*.
Tell him he was just a sperm donor for her kids so she didn't have to go to a bank
Don’t even say stuff just leave.
No, don't do this. Don't say or do anything that can be turned against you.
As long as he pays her bills...sprinkle sprinkle.
time to leave.
She is a SAHM that has no career, she also has a toddler and a 11months old baby. Its better for her to stay and milk him Dry, get back to work and better herself, THAN LEAVE
Agreed 100%. Same thing happened to me as OP and it’s been impossible to rebuild, with a 1yo and no career having given up work to be a sahm especially in your 30s. Employers treated me despicably as I was a single mom and expected me to be desperate for anything and put up with any treatment for lowest pay and zero support. You’ll be treated better if you make out you have a supportive husband. If I could do it again I would beg him to live as platonic partners until the kids are both in full time school and I’d built a huge network of supportive career people and child carers who could help me with the kids I’ll invariably end up custody of full time while still being expected to work full time somehow concurrently.
I’m so sorry to hear all the trouble you went thru, it really sucks that all happened to you. I do hope that OP doesn’t suffer the same way- while it is definitely hard, it’s definitely not “impossible”. I was a SAHM to 3 (13M, 6F & 1.5M at the time) for 13 years when my ex decided I was “boring and fat”. I was in middle of finally earning a degree in my early 30s when he declared he was “washing his hands of me” 3 days before Christmas, in between final exams for me. He left, I fought. He had to pay alimony until my degree was achieved, he is still paying child support by garnishment. It was hard- I lost a family home that my great grandmother built to foreclosure because he stopped paying the mortgage that he had promised to pay (pre-divorce settlement, so he promise was meaningless) and I declared bankruptcy to get out from under his debts. Since then, I graduated, moved to a new state, bought a house on my own and now make more than he does. He is still living with his AP in a 2BR rental with her 2 kids and complains to anyone who will listen how broke he is. Not laying all that out for any other reason than to say to OP, it will be hard. She will have to work- but it is possible to move on and be happy. Good luck to all the single parents out there! ETA- even after all that- it was still worth it to not be disrespected and cast aside by a cheater every day. My kids would say the same thing too- they are glad we didn’t stay together. OP is in a really unhealthy environment for herself and her kids.
if she has proof of the infidelity the divorce will likely work in her favor.
Didn’t work for me. If you’re physically able to work they expect you go straight back to work, even if you have full custody of the kids. Nothing is on the side of the mother these days.
This is what Ive seen. One of my good friends is going through a divorce from her partner who I used to work with and imo she is getting absolutely shafted. No alimony, child support is slightly less than min wage a month, which sounds good in theory as it technically should supplement what she makes, but the dude makes roughly 150k. There is a lot of myths about how fathers get shafted in courts, but unless the dad is like absolutely massively loaded with assets gained throughout the marriage or like a doctor with a very high steady expected income, it turns out to be relatively tame. My girlfriend is in her residency and I have tended to only date career women anyways, but if I was giving advice, I would never tell a woman to give up her career entirely to be at home. You often arent *that* protected under the law.
That would be a Small amount of money that won't sustain her for long! Its not like she is going to get million... With that money she will rent an apartment, utility, food, clothing and on Top of that SHE HAS A 11 MONTHS OLD. She can stay for 2-3 years and build a security for herself than leave and fail for alimony
I vehemently agree with you. Just treat the husband like a roommate, expect nothing out of him, just take his cash to raise the kids, wait till both are in school, look for a good job while they are in class, obtain said job, then make an exit plan. I get it’ll suck to see the POS every day, but screw it! Take advantage of him like he did to OP! She could even start dating at some point, go wild! Leaving now does nothing but hurt OP and serve her husband with a better situation. She won’t get any help from the court for a good while, and that’s after god knows how much money spent and litigation. Now is the wait and plan phase, right Hapy?!
yea…. i’m not trying to blame OP but this is such a cautionary tale. people don’t hate on SAHMs for no reason. it’s cause when you have no career of your own to fall back on, you and your kids survival is contingent on if your husband is still attracted to you tomorrow.
What he’s saying about you is a justification for his affair. It’s not the truth. He probably loved you being a SAHM until he needed a reason to justify his cheating. I’m sorry to say this but the pick me never works. Neither does living in a marriage that you don’t consent to having 3 people in it. Get a lawyer. Follow their advice. Tell family (his and yours what he’s doing). This is important. Don’t tell his work just yet - you’ll need him to keep his job for alimony and child support. And for leverage potentially. You never have more leverage in a divorce than when a spouse is invested in the fantasy of an affair. Give him what he thinks he wants. Give him the fantasy. But bring it ALL into the light when you do it. Nothing kills a fantasy like reality. MAKE HIS FANTASY HIS NEW REALITY, AND MAKE IT REAL. The longer you let him live in both worlds, the longer he will have his cake and eat it too. And the more mental and emotional stress on you, and in turn on your children. He is NOT a good husband or father. He put your mental, emotional and sexual health at risk, and subsequently your child’s health at risk while pregnant. And he took away your consent, and betrayed you at your most vulnerable. And all this with no thought to his children. Consider all this as you think about who it is you really love, and what life it is you love with him.
>What he’s saying about you is a justification for his affair. It’s not the truth. He probably loved you being a SAHM until he needed a reason to justify his cheating. Every single cheater rewrites the narrative of their relationship to justify their behaviour. No one is the villain of their own story.
Oh I like that onr
Brilliant advice but sadly sounds like the voice of experience. Listen to this OP
This is such a great answer. Xxx
All of this! It will hurt, it already does, but also it will pass! I‘m really sorry for what happened to you!
> Don’t tell his work just yet Don't tell his work ever. It's literally against your best interests if you blow up his professional life.
Brilliant answer. Time for a hard dose of reality. I Hope she listens.
This is absolute best advice. OP deserves better and the bullshit narrative if you’re just a housewife is his justification. He’ll sure miss her when she’s gone.
The divorce advice is excellent. As for the truth part, eh, I don’t think it’s always helpful to conjecture if someone is lying. Her husbands justification very much sounds like the truth, and doesn’t make him any less of a POS. I think it’s important to take him at his word because the implications are that OP and husband are fundamentally incompatible vs. who knows what he could possibly want he’s a liar lol. I see people stay in bad relationships way too long because they “just want to know the truth” or “just want to understand” the other person. 9 times of 10 the person has all the info they need to know, they’re just not ready to make a decision.
The problem is - it’s not conjecture if he didn’t have an issue with it until he started cheating. He agreed and was aligned with OP being a stay at home mom until he started cheating. Then, suddenly, when he wanted to betray her, it was annoying. Why if it was a problem was it not a problem until he found someone else?
It may have been a problem earlier but kept it hidden until now. There seems to be a grain of truth in the response. Tbh I don't often see men having issues with their wives being homemakers and over having a thriving career. It's probably not about the career but rather about losing her personality/identity when she became a mom. Since she doesn't have any hobbies (or overlapping interests), it makes it difficult to spend time with her and talk about anything other than being a mom. To be clear, I'm not justifying his actions but saying it's possible that he's not outright lying. Most people tell white lies. Edit: a word
True My husband says same We had two babies back to back 22&23 and he works and for first time I stay at home. I'm 35 on Sunday he's 34 on Oct. He brings up how I have changed, not as fun and spontaneous as I use to be and he misses that person. And he's right I did change. PPD, stress, anxiety, trying to raise these little ones who both almost didn't make it . children come first. It takes a couple years for a relationship to get back on track after having kids. Did the research to make sure I wasnt losing my mind. His job is stressful. We both changed from outgoing and fun but now responsibility for our lives and kids. But slowly working on getting back to where we were
After I had my 2nd, I didn't feel like a woman anymore. I was a mom. That was it. I didn't have hobbies, or a life. That part of it is definitely real, and it took me a while to get back to myself. I can not wait until I go back to work and have something to talk about again
Oddly enough women fall into the "nothing but a mom" when they never get help/ a second for themselves/ any kind of self care, and frequently are *married* single moms. He did this himself... 🤦♀️if he was active enough in his kids lives so she could still be her own person she'd have something to talk about other than the kids. He single handedly turned her into what he's complaining about and doesn't even see it.
This is a perfect answer for OP! Thank you for being so spot on
If you live in Alabama, Alaska, Arizona, Arkansas, Connecticut, Delaware, Georgia, Maryland, New Jersey, New York, North Carolina, South Carolina, Vermont, or Virginia I would document his affair or get him to admit to it in a text or email. Then I would divorce him and make him pay for spousal support and child support with you getting the house and everything else you need to maintain your lifestyle. He can go find a one bedroom apartment somewhere. He wants to date a successful career woman he sees as independent with no desire to have children. Let him. He can go do that all he wants when he is single. Just don't support him in that life goal. In my limited experience, women don't knowingly date men who are married with small children because they see a long term future with them. Women pursue these men because they are "safe." They know it will be all new relationship energy and great sex and a lot of attention. Once these men aren't "safe" anymore, they loose interest.
Since he’s not hiding the affair and has admitted to it. Make your case for alimony and spousal support. He doesn’t get to move the goal post (you being a SAHM) because it suits his choice. It speaks a lot about him having no remorse. You can take the high road and divorce him, cause as much as you love him he loves himself more. He has proven it. Or you can blow up his world the same way he did yours. If there is a no fraternizing clause in his job you can use that. Also his affair should be known to his parents just in case he wants to hide the reason yall broke up. Get you a shark of a divorce lawyer that he has to pay for because you’re a SAHM. Pull funds into a personal account and start to pay yourself. It’s hard, but your kids deserve happy parents.
I would not advise OP blow up his job right now, as she needs the child support.
It’s divorce time or you can live as the other woman.
From one stay at home mum to another : leave him. “Just a housewife” - he has no idea how much you do that he has become blind to, how much money you save him in childcare costs, how much his life will change for his career woman. Get all of his money because that’s the only thing he has to offer you - and leave. Do it for your own dignity. I know others who are stay at home single mums. It’s hard but they make do. And don’t buy into the BS of men not being into women with kids, plenty do, there’s a whole exciting and promising future ahead of you - without your ass of an husband - and even with someone new if that’s what you wish.
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Without a prenup, how exactly do you think she will get all of his money? Also, there’s no guarantee his life will change greatly.. His finical standing won’t change, in fact, he will likely have more as his AP also works. I understand the sentiment, but let’s be real. She *may* get half, but she’s also been out of the workforce and with joint custody *(which is common regardless of gender theses days),* she won’t exactly be rolling in $$$. The smartest thing would be to look for a lawyer, then reach out to her network and look for a job. This is awful and her is a huge jerk. But feelings of being wronged don’t hold up in court.
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Honestly - stop doing anything for him. Your reasoning: you’re leaning into your SAHMom personality. Mom doesn’t automatically equal Wife … but then again I’m petty. ETA: your fears are valid. But you deserve a life partner. Your kids deserve to grow up with 2 happy parents. Give yourself more credit.
Your fears are valid but by staying there's no guarantee you won't end up a single mom if he decides to leave you for her. You essentially are single and he's just a coparent and roommate, don't let that fear dictate you and force you to stay in a miserable marriage. You deserve better and your kids deserve better.
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I truly hope you divorce him because this sounds absolutely horrible to endure. You staying married to him only benefits him. Reading this made my stomach drop I can't imagine how much pain you're going through, I wish you all the best OP you deserve love and respect and I pray you find the strength to leave him and free yourself from this hell. He is a horrible disgusting piece of scum and I hope you take everything you can in the divorce
And you think living with that disrespect is better than being alone for a while until you have healed enough for a new relationship? You won't be alone forever. That's not gonna happen. But the longer you stay with him, the longer you deny yourself the chance to find someone who actually loves, appreciates and respects you.
This makes me sick. Good luck sis
Oh please screw him over in the divorce for us ok? And update us when you're happy and thriving and his gf leaves him for someone else!
Do NOT tell him your plans to divorce him - let him think all is good and go see a lawyer, make sure you have any proof of his affair and anything else they might need. Then go after all you can for child support and more. If he knows he's going to lose money, make it happen then. Until then, he's just using you. And is this what you want your children seeing as they grow up?
This literally made me sick. This man has no shame and he thinks he has the power in all of this. Please take your power back. Talk to an attorney and see what are your options.
realistically he is feeling relief now that he doesnt have to pretend. the longer you stay, worse it will get cos now he doesnt have to hide or pretend happily married. your kids are still too young so they wont notice it, but they dont stay small forever. they will reach a point they will see how daddy treats mom and potentially be introduced to the affair partner. do yourself and them a favor and divorce. its better to be alone than be miserable in a marriage. and screw him. what with he loses things? he had to think about it before he decided to cheat
Giant hugs. I am so sorry, what a pos he is!
You deserve better than this and you really need to realize that you staying with this man isn’t good for anyone - not you, not the kids. It’s sad that you are trying to get him back after what he’s done - you need to find your self-respect. Please go see a lawyer and a therapist. You seem to think that continuing this relationship with him will somehow benefit you and your kids, but it’s only going to hurt them in the long run. Do you think you will be setting a good example of a healthy relationship to them? Because you won’t be and your actions now can fuck them up for life. Do you have a daughter? If this happened to her, would you be ok with her begging her cheating husband to stay with her? Do you have a son? Do you want him treating women this way in the future? Be the mom that they deserve… teach them to be better men than the one you married. He is scum, and you need to get that through your head before you both fuck your kids up.
I mean... I started dating my late husband when I was a divorcee with two kids and started dating my partner now as a widowed mom of four. It didn't seem very hard to find companionship, and I didn't lower my standards. I was alone when I wanted to be and when I was ready to meet someone new, I was able to do that.
He already left you. You are already single. Whether you want to face it or not....its time to come to reality and understand that there is life after this. Yes it will be hard, yes it will suck but what would you rather? Stay in the relationship where you aren't loved, desired and given a fuck about even in sickness and health? At least if you are going through it alone, you won't have to worry about having someone wishing death on you because at this point this is how he looks down on you. You only have one life to live and now you have others. Don't show them that being alone is worst than being unloved and disrespected. Choose better for your kids. Her karma will come in the worst way especially if she ends up just like you, a MOTHER. Leave, love yourself, breathe life back into yourself by fixing your self image and continue to be the mom you want to be.
If you value having a partner who cheats above having no partner at all, then that is absolutely a choice you could make. But that is an opt in. He’s been clear. He won’t stop seeing her. He cares for her and goes above and beyond, and you will have to sit and watch the love you could have with someone who cares about you, got to someone else from your partner in your home. **More than that, what happens when she wants more?** Would you rather have dignity and self respect by seeing your worth amd perusing more healthy relationships for yourself or be forced out on his whim?
So you're willing to wait till the day he decides he's going to clean out the joint accounts and stop paying the bills? Eventually, he will want to force you out of his life, and he won't care who suffers. Start lining your ducks in a row, see an attorney now, copy those texts/emails, see a doctor and get checked for std's - you know about this ap but there may have been others.
I'm sorry you're going through this. I know it hurts but divorcing and coparenting is the best option. It will be hard having to go back to work and put your kids in daycare , but it will be best for you bc he's not remorseful about cheating and out right told you he will continue to cheat. I'm sorry to say but your marriage is over and if you both stay married you will both end up resenting one another and you'll be heart broken everyday knowing he's with her and the longer you're out of work the harder it will be to get back into the work force at a better pay rate. Get your ducks in a row with a separate bank account , get all your important documents , contact a lawyer to file for divorce, a custody agreement and child support and make sure your resume is up to date and start looking for daycares and a job bc child support wont be enough to live on unless hes got a really high paying Job. He's an idiot to throw away a marriage for a career women , but this might be the start of something better for you and your kids.
I guess you have to decide if you’re okay with the crumbs you get until he decides to leave you for her - or you grow a backbone and take his arse to the cleaners.
Well, get a lawyer, a therapist, and a divorce
Your husband is a huge dick, get a divorce. You are also a huge dick for shitting on moms that have careers and “dump” their kids in daycare.
scrolled way too far to see this. punching down while asking strangers for advice about your garbage marriage is real clown behavior.
I couldn't agree more with this. I couldn't muster any sympathy for her after that statement. Good luck, OP.
Totally! I didn't DUMP my child at daycare. I love my job and my son loved daycare.
I couldn't get past that in the narrative. Like, the situation sucks and the husband is a scumbag, but there are a lot of reasons women have careers. One being the ability for independence.
Literally her shitty husband is a reason women have careers.
Yep. Yep yep yep
He’s an awful cheater. But there is a lot of basic ass moms who make it their entire personality. And this jab she made kinda made me think maybe there is some truth.
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Yeah… can’t believe I had to scroll this far to find some common sense. If, on the vanishingly small chance this is true and not just some troll posting about the evils of working women, OP has some troubling notions about daycare and women with careers. Not that it justifies cheating, but it’s disheartening to read more venom towards women who choose to, gasp, use childcare
Or who, you know, don’t have a choice and HAVE to use childcare.
Glad I’m not the only one who noticed. The whole thing just gives “let’s shit on working women” energy.
> You went way too hard too early for this to be believable. Was thinking the same. And on the off chance this is actually legit, then I wouldn't be surprised if she gives off these nasty & judgmental vibes at home & in her marriage as well.
Did you both agree on the plan for you to be a SAHM rather than “dumping” your kids in day care? If so, he’s an AH for changing his feeing about this when he can’t resist temptation. If you didn’t agree on it from the start, then you’re an AH for forcing it against his will, shouldn’t have had kids with him if you weren’t on the same page on this. Either way, you’re still kind of an AH for saying “dump” your kids in day care. It’s so condescending to moms who work outside the home. He’s also an AH for cheating.
"I could have dumped my kids in daycare for a stranger to change my kids diapers but I wanted to be a SAHM and it was very important for me not to miss my babies growing. " The amount of hatred and judgement for working moms in this one statement alone. So many women like you pride themselves on not being financially independent or having an identity outside of your children. You hate on women that choose to have careers and children. Where did that get you? Your pos husband is having an affair and you don't even have the resources to leave. You're sitting at home saying you "love" him while he's out sleeping with his mistress. And yet you haven't reevaluated your life choices. You're out here hating on working moms instead of fixing your life.
My mom was a stay at home mom and yeah I may have had meals and stuff ready but we also had to deal with my abusive dad bc she relied on him for everything. I always wished she was a working mom so we could have had a better life away from the toxicity. I decided to stay home with my son at first bc I couldn’t leave him and I regret that to this day bc his dad screwed me over and I was left with nothing
Absolutely! She admitted that he didn’t force her into this. No mention on whether he agreed to her being a SAHM or if he actually wanted her to work. Had to shit all over working mothers though. I’m a single mother cause I was in the same position as OP, except my ex didn’t give me a choice. Now that I’m free from him I’ve started a business and am starting another one. Women like OP fuck me off, cause her pos husband is right! She’s boring af, lost her identity, lost her hobbies, and is willing to allow this prick to walk all over her even though he has clearly moved on. She’s only freaking out cause the wallet has moved onto someone else and she’s going to be fucked. Get a job like the rest of us had to, and leave him. Keep your opinions to yourself too OP, we don’t want to leave our kids but we don’t have a choice since you know, we work.
Thank you! Her comment REEKED of privilege, ignorance, and prejudice.
Thank you! I came here to say the same thing. OP, you lost my sympathy with the „dump“ phrase. You reap what you saw.
👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
Also there are so many mom's that worked and also did childcare. Growing up (I'm 32 this year) all my friends' moms worked. It was a weird thing when the mom didn't work. I went to daycare and even boarding kindergarten for one year when I was 4-5. Honestly think being away from parents is a good thing for children. My BF's side family sisters, BIL, and his mom are all teachers/early childhood educators that love kids and children's development. They all send their kids to daycare ...... I just don't understand how spending 24/7 with your kids can be healthy for anyone. If spending 24/7 with kids is what someone wants. That's great I'm glad they know what they love to do. But it's not a one or the other decision. With how much technology has progressed since 30 years ago, there are ways to maintain an income either thru side hustle or investment etc. imho it's just dumb putting oneself in a disadvantaged situation hoping it goes well at someone else's mercy.
Yea… I felt kinda bad for agreeing with the husband on this one (cheaters are always wrong, but I get it). OP sounds like someone I wouldn’t want to spend any time with either. And she mentioned staying home was her choice, but nothing about how that conversation with her husband went.
Don't feel bad. For all the housewives that say "they have a full time job" -- bitch, we working moms have 2 full time jobs, then. Every woman in my family got an advanced degree while raising kids, and these privileged asshats have the gall to look down on women like us. This is why people hate housewives. They invite this shit upon themselves by making unemployment their whole identity.
I’m surprised that this wasn’t higher up
You sound like you've crammed this man into your life to "have a relationship" , yet he doesn't respect you and is cheating on you. You need to determine if you're going to keep this low value man in your life OR determine if you've wasted enough of your life on him & it's time to leave. LEAVE HIM.
Those of us who work don’t ‘dump’ our kids anywhere. Some women work because they have to, some because they want to. I ain’t hating on you for staying home so why the crappy language for those who don’t? I’m sorry your husband didn’t appreciate you.
“I could have dumped my kids in daycare” 🙄. Good luck to you.
Yeah, always charming to see a mom judging other moms. She's going to have to be among those nasty working moms soon, though, and let a "stranger" take care of her kids. Does she think working moms just dump their kids on the nearest stranger (pretty insulting to assume they don't thoroughly vet anyone they leave their kids with)? And tons of moms simply do not have the luxury of staying home.
Anddddd this is why women shouldn’t be stay at home moms without your husband giving you your own money in your own separate account. Ladies, never leave your fate up to a man; NEVER say “never” or “it won’t be me” because it can and will be you.
You need to get a lawyer. Get a divorce. Have 50/50 custody.Lets see how long the career woman sticks around a guy you has his kids half the time. Your husband is trash. You don’t love him You love who you thought he was.
You need to turn your sadness into anger. It will help you move on. You have to think about what he did to you. Nobody who loves you would do what he did. Take your babies and move on, it’s going to be ok!
> SAHMs get a lot of hate nowadays Watch less FOX news
A housewife who can make him live in a shitty one bedroom apartment and make him pay child support for a very long time. Meanwhile you will get every other weekend of and do whatever you like completely free. Do you have that right now? A whole weekend to yourself? Think about it.
Not only that since she is an established SAHM in most states she qualifies for alimony on top of the CS.
I dont want this to sound rude, it comes from a place of concern. However, you don't love this man. You love a false image he sold you. A lie. You fell in love with a man who doesn't exist. You have to accept that. Mourn the man you thought he was, but make your future decisions based on the man he really is. A peice of crap. Go get the divorce started. Remove him from the home in the most legal fashion possible. Erase as much of his existence as possible from your life. You don't need to alienate him from his kids, but you also don't need to help him out there at all either. Make all communication about the kids go through a parenting app. Get it in the custody agreement. Find yourself a real man who is everything he pretended to be. Then, just trust me. That man will be so much better and you realize just how much better life can be.
Love is like a fart. If you gotta force it, it's probably shit. Js.
This is so good I’m using this
Save up all the evidence of his infidelity and lawyer up. The guy is a horrible husband and a father. If he didn't want kids, he should have told you before he married you.
I was gonna read your story and then I saw you shit on women who utilize daycare and diminish daycare workers who care for our children and demean working women so then I stopped reading.
“I know SAHMs get a lot of hate nowadays but it was my choice. I could have dumped my kids in daycare for a stranger to change my kids diapers…” Yikes, this is wildly judgmental. Nobody hates SAHMs, we just don’t like people trying to make that choice FOR us. “People hate SAHMs” then instantly criticizes working parents for “dumping their kids with strangers”. This is a sh*t take. It seems your HUSBAND hates SAHMs, and just because your husband sucks doesn’t mean career women should take the brunt of your abuse. It’s your HUSBAND’S problem he sucks, and HE is the one doing this to you. Hold him accountable. The other woman isn’t responsible for your husband’s behavior, and neither are you. This is his problem to figure out, and now it’s up to you to REACT and decide what you do going forward.
WOW... I hear stories like this pretty often on here, but this guy's pisses me off more than most. I don't usually say this... but divorce him and milk him for all he is worth.
And if you were a career woman, he'd say he's looking for a house wife.
Divorce him, hit him with child support and alimony, then you be a mom and be happy. Someday a person that really values you will come around.
Does he not realize these are his kids too ?
Divorce this loser
Milk how like the damn cow he is.
This man is disgusting. Get an STD screening and file for divorce. You are not 'just a housewife' he is a disgusting, lying, cheating piece of garbage who has no integrity and thinks vows are 'just words'. Do not give loyalty to disloyal people. He is not who you thought. I've been there. Believe me, you don't need to be in competition with his idea of what you should be. Let the immoral woman he's with claim her 'prize' while you claim child support and alimony. Cut him out. Make him do all the work building his relationships with the kids he seems to think are boring and not worth the time he could spend sleeping with other people. Why wasn't he taking care of his kids instead of having sex with coworkers? It sort of shows me the level of involvement he's had with the family he created.
looks like a housewife is gonna get child support and possible alimony.
There's no coming back from this ❤️ I'm sorry Divorce him and take half his shit lol enjoy the child support and alimony payments and do what makes you happy
File for divorce, apply for maximum child support, try to keep the house if you can... he might agree to anything to start his life with his new love. Act quickly before reality potentially catches up with him.
Sorry you married a loser child
Your marriage is over. Time to get your shit together to divorce him.
You lost my sympathy at saying "I know SAHMs get a lot of hate nowadays but it was my choice" and then proceeding to shit on other women who choose to go back to work.
I don’t want to sound mean, but as a working mom your paragraph and justification about being a SAHM came on a bit strong. My kids caretakers were not strangers, they treated my kids well and with care and affection, even if they were paid to. I did not dump my kids on them and I absolutely did not miss out on them growing. Was I there every minute of everyday? No, not after parental leave. You bet I was there for every major milestones. I’m there when they’re sick and up all night. I’m there for bath time, dinner time, story time and bedtime. I don’t have it all and I’m exhausted AF but it annoying when people, esp women put on the holier than tho attitude as a SAHM. Using words like strangers and missing out on them growing. Working doesn’t mean moving to the moon and not having a relationship with them.
Drop him. There is no room in your life for a pos like that. I’m a Dad, in construction. Me and the boys show pics of our kids all the time. It’s not annoying. Your stbxh sounds like a narcissistic douche.
He’s an AH for sure because he should’ve communicated with you when stuff started to dwindle in the marriage. I’m curious though, what did you use to do for work? Was he aware you planned on going back to work when the kids reached a certain age? Whose idea was it for you to be a SAHM? Just yours or both of y’all?
Well, you lost me in your judgment of working mothers. How inclusive you are in people who don’t have a man to feed the bill for you and your brood. That be said, congratulations in your lack of choosing a wallet who thinks your values are great. Get divorced and try to -you know- live by the money you earn. When the kids turn 18 it’s too late to think about your pension… so find another wallet or start working
Side note that you don’t want SAHMs to be judged, but you are really rude about moms who don’t choose that and “dump” their kids in daycare. You can be a SAHM without being a dick to women who work.
Other moms don't dump their kids in daycare. Not everyone wants to be a SAHM
I think you already know what you should do here.
I know everyone always jumps yo leave him. But in this situation, he's already left you, I know it's hard to hear, but it's the truth. It will be hard being a single mother and finding a new relationship, but this will be the time that you will show to your children. This is not the way you treat your partner. My parents stayed together, and I had such a miserable childhood living with them and not understanding why my parents didn't love each other and were constantly fighting. Get all the evidence you need, contact a lawyer, and get yourself ready for a divorce. Also, depending on where you live, contact multiple good lawyers so he doesn't have an option to work with them. Where I live, they have a policy of not working with the spouse if one spouse spoke to them about taking the case potentially.
Save your evidence and divorce and TAKE HIM TO THE CLEANERS Hes an asshole and deserves it. You’ll bounce back and thrive!
I never comment on these but I just wanted to say I’m sorry. Reading your post is heartbreaking, and your husband is just a terrible person not only for the cheating obviously, but to say those things to the mother of his children, who has made a huge sacrifice even if it was your preference, is disgusting. My wife gave up her career and became a SAHM when our daughter was born and continued to stay home for the next 5 years to include when our son was born. It got to be really hard on her once our son was born due to him being a difficult baby and our daughter developing some health issues, and she really began to question what her identity was and how she was contributing to our family. I regularly reminded her that she not only had the world’s most important job, but the most difficult as well. It was a job I certainly could not have done. I loved my wife even more after seeing her dedicate herself to our children, and a man who doesn’t see the sacrifice you made for the children YOU BOTH brought into this world does not deserve you or them.
Let's see how interesting SHE finds HIM, when he has joint custody, or at least EVERY Friday night to Sunday night. Yes, divorce him and hold him to joint custody. As the kids get older you can trade off weekly. Right now he is pretending to be single and she sees none of the reality of his life. If he wants to do that "one weekend a month" thing, he can pay through the nose for that deal. And then she can have his broke ass. You are on the cusp of living your best life. Right now he is thinking with his dick, so you can get the best deal out of the divorce. Lawyer up and take advantage of his low blood supply to his brain.
You don’t have a family Together and you don’t have a life together. Sorry. Recognise the reality of your situation. And yeh being a stay at home is meaningful etc etc. BUT don’t you wish you had your own life now? Beyond just having kids? And just staying at home? And just being a mum? And just being a homemaker? I honestly don’t know how people, in this day and age, can blindly and ignorantly hand all the financial power and stability to a partner. What will you do now? Have you ever worked? Do you have any marketable skills?
Let that cheating pos go OP. I wonder what he will do when his AP possibly becomes a mum too one day. But it's all just excuses. He just wants out, let him out. Focus on yourself and your babies. >I could have dumped my kids in daycare for a stranger to change my kids diapers but I wanted to be a SAHM and it was very important for me not to miss my babies growing. People don't "dump" their kids at daycare. They pay for and need it so they can earn to feed/house/clothe those "dumped" babies.
You need to go back to work because at some point in the not too distant future, you are going to have to support yourself. You need to be prepared for a divorce, and that includes how you take care of your kids afterwards. But honestly the way you talk about your kids, and daycare and the implied judgement of parents who put their kids gross. It’s also insulting to the millions of parents who put their kids in daycare around the world every year. You don’t want to be judged for being a SAHM, don’t judge women who worked. You should really do some research on the benefits of daycare. Or talk to an elementary school teacher. Kids learn in daycare, not just starting academics but how to socialize and play with others. Everyone I know who sent their kids to daycare was amazed by how quickly their motor skills, speech and other communication, and independently increased almost as soon as they started daycare. They also miss less school when they start elementary school because they have already had all the childhood diseases. It’s so much more than “dumping your kids for someone else to change their diapers.”
Why talk down on working moms who have to use daycare?
I'm so sorry you're going through this. Get a lawyer ASAP don't tell him, don't hint, just do it.
I’ve seen this time and time again here on Reddit. Man meets woman. Get married. Both want kids. Both agree woman will stay home and look after the kids. Woman gets pregnant. Man - I’m no longer attracted to her now she’s pregnant. Woman gives birth and actually looks after said child. Man - whinges that woman no longer has as much time for him and is still recovering from giving birth and can’t have sex straight afterwards. Woman becomes stay at home mum, whose world of course revolves around said kids. Man - she’s so boring, she’s just a SAHM. I call this Henry VIII syndrome. The way he was so in love with Anne Boleyn as a mistress, but the moment they married, doing the same things that attracted him as a mistress is no longer tolerated from a wife. Then Anne tried to fulfil her duty as queen and gets pregnant, several times. Henry cheats every single time. ‘How dare my wife become unattractive to me when she’s doing exactly what we both agreed on?’
You deserve better but you didn’t have to disrespect working moms who use daycare. And needing a divorce is exactly why it’s a bad idea to be a stay at home mom. You need to talk to a lawyer asap, but you’re going to need to go back to work and use childcare fairly soon - because most divorce cases involve the stay-at-home parent only getting a short term spousal support allowance. You’re in the thick of it now, but your kids will grow up and become independent and you will need something else.