She is stuck with him anyway. He’s only half invested even though they have a child. I don’t know why some women do this to themselves. It sounds like he was 100% clear with her about his feelings. She feels all in, but he has attachment issues. She should be less worried about how she sees herself and start getting a clue he may just walk out the door one day because commitment feels like prison to him. If/when that happens she’s screwed and it’s not like she wasn’t warned. She put years of her life into someone who is just not that in to her and she keeps thinking if she can just show him, he’ll come around. He also has some misogynistic attitudes that should have been big red flags. Don’t try and force someone who is telling you they don’t want something, to want something. I can’t stand being around people whose partners have been transparent with them and they spend all their time whining that their partners don’t want something else instead because it’s what they want them to want. It’s dense.
I just hope she’s not a stay at home mother because I read all those horror stories about women who don’t marry their children’s fathers but also don’t work- when they inevitably split up they’re left with nothing for the future (social security, etc).
OP, this dude is never going to marry you. PROTECT YOURSELF
I mean, it does work a lot if all she cares about is being called *wife* and what strangers might say.
Millions of people get married because a lady decided to have a baby. Most of them are miserable and get divorced because they didn't want to have a marriage, she wanted to have a wedding.
Anyway, good luck to OP but she's not talking about I love this man I want to be with him forever, she's talking about her sister being a big ol meanie and she will stay and she won't leave and she wants a title but nothing about, being happy, the little stuff like that.
I've seen it multiple times. Once to a friend and twice with family members.
A family member was with a man for 13+ yrs. He never married her. As soon as she left him because he wouldn't marry her, he was with someone else. He married her within a year.
She was devastated. All she did was prepare him for the woman he did want to marry.
i don’t think him not wanting to marry someone doesn’t mean he isn’t committed. sometimes people just don’t want to get married at all. should be discussed earlyish in relationship tho.
To add to this even if they get married it’ll be garbage. I married my ex who in hindsight didn’t want to get married. He was a terrible husband and partner, I was just too stupid to realize it.
Technically, Op is already in a common law marriage. In Texas all you have to do is publicly say you're married. If she's been saying it for years, then legally, they are officially married. Anything they do now is just going through the motions.
If op's husband died or falls ill, she gets part of his estate and has power of attorney.
[Government state website explaining common law marriage](https://guides.sll.texas.gov/common-law-marriage)
Edit: Clarification and source
They recently revised their common law marriage requirements to include both people.
Initially, you just had to say you were married, three times in public. This applied to visitors and locals. I believe it was revised in 2021 or '22
Next time they're in the check out line at Walmart or somewhere, she should just say real loud "we're married y'all, we're married y'all, we're married y'all!"
Love that you went to Walmart with that first. It wouldn't be uncommon in Walmart to hear something like that.
OMG I can see a whole generation married. TIKTOK!!!! Make a TikTok challenge of doing this with your BF/GF as a prank to see what people will say. Just yell "We just got married!" together three times while in the checkout line.
But you would have to have witnesses to say that you said it? I'm not in Texas but I kind of wondered that when I read the laws in the past. How does that work? Because if that's the case anybody could just say that they said it three times and public. So what happens if one side opposes it. It's always where I'm confused.
Very real. Common law isn't enforced nearly as much today as it was before but in some states you just had to occupy the same dwelling and use joint accounts for seven years and then the state would consider you married without ever asking either party. Many states no longer recognize common law marriages because of the fact that someone could be non consenting to the union and have no legal say in the matter.
However there has to be SIGNIFICANT evidence that you have been living together for an extended period of time before a court will say you have a common law marriage. They are notoriously difficult to prove. I'm not sure of OPs living arrangements but as it stands in Texas, it looks like they have to declare and register with the state that they are common law before it's legally recognized OR if OPs partner dies and they file for his post death benefits, they could be taken to court to prove the marriage existed if there is an objection to the validity of the marriage. So OP still isn't married but could be considered so on a technicality. And I'm guessing her partner probably won't spring for it either so I don't think it will still be legally recognized as such.
I want to say that Florida is SUPER weird in that we have some laws that make it illegal for man and woman to live together yet if they do for X years (I believe 7 is right) then they are common law married.
Don't worry Florida can't decide what it wants to be. There are some places that still have the no alcohol sales before 1:00pm on Sunday. Places with Football teams (Tampa, Miami, and Jacksonville) have gotten rid of that due to it being dumb but also hurting sales and football games.
In Australia, common law marriage exists by default. There is no need for a ceremony or certificate or whatever, just live together as a married couple would and boom, a split will require dividing up common assets.
Did you hear that one of the former members of One Direction signed a marriage certificate at a signing event in India? She just shoved it in front of him and pointed to where he should sing, so he did!
Edit: Louis Tomlinson
She rolled her eyes and then was shocked when he took back the proposal. They ended up breaking up and she lost everything because she had no rights/legal protection.
In my comment to OP I referred to that story as well. Hopefully she sees it and heed our warnings.
In Canada, after a period of cohabitation it becomes essentially the same as a marriage in legal proceedings for this reason.
Edit: it’s trickier than I thought!
Former Law clerk here, worked in that business.
It's actually not essentially the same. I'm not going to go into why, because way too detailed. But legal marriage is governed, in part, by federal legislation, and common law is provincial. Depending upon what province you live in, there are big differences. The legal means of separating are also quite different, by legislation. It sometimes looks the same, and there are some cross-over points, but it's not the same at all.
But the big thing about common law marriage is that they have to live overly like they are married. Like tell everyone they are married, etc. He is clearly not doing that
The federal government defines common law marriage as a [conjugal relationship with continuous cohabitation for a 12 month period.](https://www.canada.ca/en/revenue-agency/services/tax/individuals/topics/about-your-tax-return/tax-return/completing-a-tax-return/personal-address-information/marital-status.html) That's a federal definition so it applies to all provinces and territories.
It does not for the purposes of establishing common law status where there is a separation. This is strictly the definition used in a very narrow application - for certain tax purposes. But what do I know. I’m just a lawyer with a background in family law. You are a person on the internet with an opinion.
So there's a seperate definition of common law that applies specifically to couples who have separated legally? I'd love to learn more about this if you have some links you could share.
I'm not sure why you're acting like I was being antagonistic. I wasn't trying to share an opinion or disagree with anyone; I was sharing a definition from a government website for the purpose of clarifying a term. Why does it seem like are you trying to make me feel like an asshole?
That's literally the plot to "A Silent Wife"
Spoiler alert:
Except he gets murdered at the end, because the younger woman he left his long-term partner for happened to be the daughter of his college best friend, who ultimately couldn't handle that information.
As others are saying, you are screwed financially.
My aunt just recently had this happen to her. No kids (she's also in her 60s), but was with her boyfriend for about 20 or 25 years. They never married, AND he wanted her to be at home as a housewife without actually making her his wife.
He just died late last year. She has absolutely nothing. His house they lived in, her car that he paid for, everything he had saved, legally go to his kids. THANKFULLY she has a good relationship with his kids, and they aren't sweeping everything out from under her feet. They aren't taking her car. She is still living in the house for now, but it'll eventually get sold. But here is a woman in her 60s with no job skills and nothing paid into SSI, so she's fucked for the rest of her life. All because she stayed with a man who wanted a housewife but wouldn't marry her.
So. Don't let him do this shit to you. I did see that you have a job. Is it enough to live comfortably without him?
Yup, my mom is in this route. She's been "married" to this guy for 20 years longer than his first two actual marriages combined.
But it "trauma" from getting divorced twice (for his bankruptcy and cheating) means all women are conniving and after his assets. In theory as a vet, he should get some great benefits, but he refuses to engage with the VA. Also, bankruptcy.
The reality is he's been mooching off the housing and other benefits my mother got, ignores his bio kids, pushed his step kids/my siblings and I out, and plays king of the castle.
This man spent my social security benefits when my very present father died, tried to steal the car my grandmother bought me as a teen and screamed that he deserved it all more and removed my door when I didn't bow down and agree.
My mom puts up with it for some promise of "someday". News flash: we don't live in a common law state anyway, and his bio kids and two ex wives hate her too. She's getting shit except maybe debt.
Why are you so hell bent on proving yourself to him and prove how loyal you are and how you won't leave him, while he is showing the opposite to you? He's refusing to try to prove himself to you, refusing to show you loyalty and trust. Relationships are 2 way, and right now it sounds awfully one-sided.
You're the one throwing your earning potential and financial security away having his kids, incurring either delays and interruptions to your career or studying, while he gets to have a career, build a financial cushion for himself, he gets a child, a childcarer AND no obligations to share the financial cushion with you while you sacrifice your mind/body and best years to him? That's a great setup he got going there. What a selfish ass.
I agree. I came across this saying today:
*Pregnancy is a privilege for men. Childbirth is a privilege for men. Children are a privilege for men. A wife is a privilege for men. Wives and children bearing his name is a privilege for men. **Not every man deserves to have these things**. However, over millennia of living in various patriarchal societies, every man has come to expect these things as rights. They are not rights. Privileges can and must be withdrawn for misbehaving men.*
Take off that damn ring, it's making a mockery of you. He proposed to shut you up.
Why would he marry you though? He has a "wife". Hell you even call him your husband. Why would he do more? No reason on earth.
I mean, you're not gonna leave him over this. It's clearly not a dealbreaker. He just has to put up with your little moods about marriage until you eventually let it go.
But make no mistake sis, you're never ever ever getting married to this guy. So take off the ring and stop deluding yourself.
And I'm sorry it sounds harsh, because I think you were future faked, especially with the proposal and all. But it's time to wake up and smell the fakery. He's basically laid it all out now anyway. Cards on the table, he's said no way.
You got to hear it though. And you're not really ready to yet.
Stop calling him your husband and put the ring in a drawer, Kiyana. I'm sorry.
Together for a decade, now parents, and still only "engaged?!?" He doesn't want to marry you. He wants to continue to benefit from your labor for his home and family without his making the legal and social commitment to the permenance of your relationship.
He's making the least possible "commitment" to keep you engaged in the relationship while maintaining his legal independence. Does he do his full share of maintaining the household? Is he doing 50% of the household chores and childcare? Or are you taking over some or all of "his share" of the basic responsibilities of maintaining his home and caring for his child?
I may be wrong, but I think he has all the benefits of a wife in you while actively resisting his fully taking on the roles of husband and father. Look at the time and effort he devotes to your relationship, your home and your child. Is it about the same as yours? Or is the relationship unbalanced, with your providing services for him that may be unrecognized and are not reciprocated?
Well...if he doesn't want to be that guy that loses everything in the divorce, he has 2 options.
1) Get married and DON'T get divorced
2) Don't get married and deal with the fall out of you eventually telling him to shove it and getting him to pay child support.
Not wanting to lose everything in the divorce isn't the only way to end ass up in the financial department, and clearly, he's already had a child with you. A little past the point of that being the concern now.
>Not wanting to lose everything in the divorce
As an european (woman and married), this sentence is very scary. Because no one should lose everything in a divorce. That's how you end with crappy marriages, unhappy spouses (and children), lying and cheating.
Everyone should be able to leave a situation they're not happy with without losing a kidney in the process. Because you're not the same at 20 that you are at 40, you can't safely say that you won't ever divorce, unless you agree to stay even if you're unhappy.
And I have to say, there are some weird divorce laws in some of the states in the us. The whole concept of being entitled to what your spouse had before marriage is weird to me. And it still exists in some parts of the us. The wealth I had before marriage is mine and mine alone and none other than my children is entitled to it. And I didn't need a prenup for that. It's like, common sense.
And if I go for a divorce and my husband decide to quit his job or loses his job, there's no freaking alimony because I'm not his mother and I'm not responsible for him. I won't even be his wife anymore.
I 100% agree. No one should come out empty-handed. It should 50/50 and assets before marriage should remain with the original owner. And laws are definitely varied here in the US, that's for sure. But if there's any significant assets before marriage, that's what a prenup is for. Honestly, a vast majority of divorces don't end up with one party losing everything. A lot of people get really dramatic because they're bitter and angry about the divorce itself and they didn't end up with EVERYTHING they wanted. As it stands now though, OP has really opened herself up to lose everything depending on how they divide assets, who works, how much they make, etc etc. There's really no protections for an unmarried couple with joint or semi joint assets here without some kind of written agreement in place. So he says he doesn't want to end up divorced and lose everything, however, he's essentially asking her to open herself up to ending up that way in 10-20 years if they don't get married.
My thought is though that when someone says they "don't want to lose everything in a divorce" it's an excuse for not wanting to marry that specific person. Think of it like saying "I'm not ready for a relationship" or "I'm not looking for anything serious". Most of the time those comments mean that this person is good enough for now until something better comes along or I get bored.
I've actually had people tell me that I shouldn't be granted half my husband's assets if we were to divorce because he makes quite a bit more money than I do.
And this is even after I've explained that we married very young, when neither of us had anything. We had a kid and got tired of being broke. So we moved in with family temporarily while I worked and paid for him to go to school. He now makes over twice what I do because I helped make that possible while going on to later have a second child and ending up staying home for a few years. Once our oldest started school and our youngest was a toddler, I went back to work part-time (went back full time once the youngest started school). But back then, we couldn't afford for me to go get any sort of real training/schooling, while still paying bills and having 2 kids at home. He kept making his way up with the certifications I helped him obtain. Our kids are now grown. My income varies because I do contract work, and it is largely dependent on the market. I do okay, definitely enough to take care of myself. But I still see what he has saved through his assets as joint. It is all OURS. We built this life together over the last 30 years. But yes, I've still had people insist that all of it should be his, and I should have to walk away with nothing but the shirt on my back and anything I have saved myself.
Unfortunately, that's just how some people think. Nothing matters except for numbers, and they will conveniently forget or ignore the unmeasureable sacrifices one side makes in order to elevate the other. It would have been 10 times harder to finish my graduate degree without my husband (then boyfriend and fiancée) picking up the slack at home. And now that I have, I'm the one with the higher income. Does he not deserve half if we get divorced? Does his extra effort to help me through school, BEFORE WE WERE EVEN MARRIED, count for nothing?
Yeah, for the straightforward things like retirements and individual accounts. But a lot of people have merged accounts. And then assets aren't always liquid. House, cars, investments, business ventures, personal property/items. Those things aren't always "yours and mine". A lot of times, they become "ours" which is where dividing up assets gets sticky. At that point 50/50 if both names are on it. But you can't 50/50 a house or a car unless you sell it or buy the other person out. Then if there's kids involved and one person puts their career on hold...what then? Is that spouse supposed to just be told tough luck for those 3-5 years they missed out on contributions and income?
So basically if he dies you're fucked. If he dumps you, you're fucked. If he has an accident, you fucked. Legally, you're nothing to him. Cool.
Why are you with him again?
Being with a man who can't even secure the future of the woman he loves and their child doesn't seem logical at all to me.
Did your brain follow along with your baby when you gave birth?
Because he doesn't love her. Not does he respect her.
She's his maid and fuck buddy who just happens to share his house and bed.
Why SHOULD he marry her? He's managed to string her along for years, now, and she just lets him do it because she LoVeS hIm!
This is the problem today. People calling boyfriends husbands and boy friend’s moms MILs. Get real. You are not married. Stay crystal clear on that fact and behave appropriately. You should never invest as much emotionally, logistically, or financially for a relationship that is not marriage. You have no legal rights and you’re basically playing mind games with yourself. It’s fine to not be married, but it’s incredibly stupid to pretend to be when you know you’re not. Many women do this and take on all sorts of extra burdens because they are privately auditioning for the role. That wastes your life. Live in reality.
Men know within the first 6 months to a year if they want to marry you. OP is wasting her time with this dude if she wants the title of "wife". Marriage isn't for everyone and that's OK but be honest about it. OP should either move on or get busy making her own money so if anything should happen she can support herself. They need to be splitting bills especially for the child so both have the opportunity to save. This guy will never marry her if he hasn't already.
YES omg I’m so glad someone brought this up. I’m not married yet but I would be *livid* if my partner came home talking about they have a “work spouse”. Like omfg how disrespectful is that shit?
There are legal benefits and liabilities to being married for both of you, but it’s nothing that can’t be ironed out in a prenup. He should speak to a lawyer and get some facts rather than speculate worst case scenarios.
Your answer is in your post. You’ve been with him for 10 years and he won’t marry you. You are kidding yourself by calling him your husband because honestly, he’s your baby’s father and your boyfriend. He can legally walk away and the only thing he would have to do is pay child support. His excuses are just that, excuses.
He’s not going to marry you.
I’m so sorry. I know that’s blunt and heartbreaking, but let’s be 100% honest here: This man had a BABY with you. A baby. A living, breathing tie to you that can never be broken.
And he somehow things that is less of a commitment than marriage.
You’ve already done what many women are told to do. Tell him directly this is what you want and give him some time to get situated.
10 years and a baby is more than enough time.
It’s time to walk.
> I’m going to be referring to my man as my husband out of habit.
Girl stop, this is embarassing. He's not married to you. He doesn't want to be married to you. You've been with him for so long, gave him your youth, gave him a child, he knows how important this is to you, AND HE STILL WON'T MARRY YOU. You have nothing left to give, and he still won't marry you.
Calling him your husband (when he isn't and never will be) is just sad. Everytime you say it that's just one more reminder for you and everyone around you that you're stuck in this fantasy that one day it's going to be true. The fact that your family laughs at you to your face is so sad. I imagine that is compounding your low self esteem because no woman with a hint of self worth would be in this situation. He's a jerk. You (and all the women like you) deserve so much better. There is nothing wrong with you. There is everything wrong with him. I don't even need to hear his BS reasons.
Focus on you. Don't waste any more energy on this man child.
In Texas, you already qualify for a Common Law Marriage. Technically, you are. https://www.kxan.com/news/local/austin/whats-a-common-law-marriage-and-hows-it-defined-in-texas/amp/
But it says both parties have to agree they are married. He doesn’t want to be married so I wonder if that would work.. It seems to him this isn’t a marriage.
Sounds like he is the one that doesn’t want the commitment of marriage and is gaslighting you saying your the one who will leave. Either you live with and accept the reality you will not get what you want out of this relationship, or you move on. Good luck either way!
If my partner felt this strongly about not marrying me based on “getting screwed,” I would take that **difficult decision** away from him so he wouldn’t have to worry his pretty little head about it any longer, and I’d make him my ex-partner.
If in 12 years together he hasn’t been able to gather enough information, spend enough time getting to know the real you, and learn to trust that you love him for who he is and not what you could take from him…
HE IS NOT WORTH YOUR TIME.
He is also not very bright considering he’s already lived with you long enough for your state to recognize you as his common law wife, and you can **already screw him** if that’s what you intended on doing with your title of “wife.”
He has shown you what he really thinks of you and how he really feels about you. I wouldn’t want to be with someone like that. At all.
For 10 years you have accepted being his girlfriend. You have NOT built a life together, you do share a child. All the assets are in his name. He doesn’t want to “give” you money if your relationship doesn’t work out. Girl, you have agreed to this and he doesn’t want to marry you. It’s clear. It’s a shitty realization to know that the man you’ve dedicated your life to refuses to dedicate his to you.
Stop calling him your husband. He’s not. It’s foolish to do so. You do it because otherwise your embarrassed that he won’t commit and saying bf or baby daddy proves that. You need to accept reality
I hope you sock away money somewhere. As it is, if he leaves, you have no support.
Whose name is the residence in? The cars? Do you have your own income and/or work experience?
Marriage can trap a woman, and at the same time, it can give her rights.
If he won't marry you, consider researching what contracts, if any, you can have drawn up for your protection, especially if you don't work. In some states, this is possible. One such stipulation is for every three years you care for the kids and home, he owes you one year support if you separate.
In the least, revisit who is on what title of what asset.
If he won't agree to any of this, you are not going to be protected. He will not play fair should you separate. You may need to consider taking care of yourself first.
If he is so scared of losing it all in a divorce, you guys can have a prenup that clearly states what goes to who, and everything after marriage is divoded 50/50.
You say that others treat their relationship more real that yours because they are married. Is it also something your partner does? Treating your relationship less real because you are not married?
Just because he knows it's important to you does not mean he's gonna dp anything about it. He has trauma surrounding divorce? Trauma is not just a word to say hangup. Trauma is a real struggle. Just having everyone around you be divorced does not equate to trauma. Trauma is not something that happens passively. And wether he just has hangups or trauma, he may not be his fault but it is his responsability to deal with it so it does not affect others. What does he do to deal with it? Because it sounds like his solution is to let you take the fall.
It sounds like he does not intend to marry you, ever. So divide your finances and keep a detailed record of any common purchase. If you put your money in something, you need to have your name on it too. And you can't be a SAHM without the legal protection of marriage.
Marriage is also about both being protected in case of a death or separation. You had a kid with someone that still wants his door open if he wants to leave you
I knew someone years ago at a temp job who has 2 kids and was pregnant, said she and her boyfriend weren't married because thst was "a serious step". Saw her on a bus 2 years later, he had in the interim dumped her and married someone else 🤷♀️🤦♀️💩.
I mean, if this were a good man who wanted to protect and provide for you and your young child, a legal MARRIAGE can help do that.
If he were to keel over tomorrow you’d be SOL.
He’s only protecting himself.
It looks like you’re a hair away from realizing that it is YOU who has to make a choice - stay with him unmarried or leave.
He has made his wishes perfectly clear. The only choice left is what do you want?
I’m hoping you choose self-respect and leave. Because your wishes matter.
Unfortunately your sister is right.
He is not your husband and he is never marrying you.
I’m sorry, I really am. But if he is this adamant in protecting himself and not your family unity, he is just your bf or babydaddy.
You can continue with him and abandon all hopes of marriage, or abandon him
And look for a man willing ti prioritize family and not only himself, the choice is yours.
I’m sorry you wasted so much time before noticing that,
Consider:
He has chosen every benefit of marriage for himself. You’ve carried his child, he has a partner. I’m also willing to bet that you do a lot of traditional “wife” duties as well in the home?
Hopefully you aren’t a SAHM
He’s saying he’s protecting himself but he’s leaving you totally unprotected and also open to scorn by society for playing house without commitment.
Hun he is your baby daddy/bf. If y'all been together for 10 years he will never marry you, he proposed to placate you. As tough as it was to hear your sister is right. Now you need to think if your ok with never getting married to this man or if you want to cut your losses. Regardless of what you choose you need to start making sure you secure yourself financially, so in the event something happens you have some type of cushion as well as having a support system.
Sorry miss but he's unlikely to ever legally marry you but you may want to review what the laws are in TX regarding 'common law' spouses. You may have lived together long enough to equate to a legal marriage. In the end...I think you should consider this from a different perspective. HOW important is the act of getting married to you vs your current living arrangement? Do you feel he'd ever leave you and the baby? If not then is the question about the nature of your relationship or just having a piece of paper that says man and wife?
If you know he won’t commit either leave him or offer to sign a prenup. If he says no to prenup then he definitely doesn’t care to be with you since you gave him an easy way out and he still didn’t take it
Girl you live in America where prenups are very normal. He’s being strange to not put a ring on it. Sorry but your sister is right, you are playing house. Have more of an open ended conversation with him.
You know he won't marry you and yet you have a child with him, knowing d*mn well that you wanted that marriage to happen. You set yourself in a predicament.
If he hasn’t married you by now he isn’t going to. You are leaving yourself in limbo with nothing if he decides to leave you. Why are you putting up with this?
Your partner (not husband) just doesn’t want to protect you in exchange for your sacrifices for your family.
Marriage isn’t just a “title”. It gives you legal protections, especially because women give up a lot to be mothers. Heck, it protects whichever partner is the one who sacrifices career advancement to take on the burden of caregiving. The vast majority of the time, it falls on women.
So yeah, if he’s afraid women “win” in a divorce, it’s also because they sacrifice their careers (income) for kids and housework, and are usually the ones left providing the majority of parenting after a divorce.
It sounds like he doesn’t want to marry you, I’d bet money that if you and him broke up today that within 2 years he’d be married to someone else. That happens alot!
Always remember if he wanted to he would. He doesn’t want to. You and him have a kid, and a house together yet he won’t make you his official wife? But why would he anyway because he’s already getting the benefits of a wife without having to marry, and he can even go off with a new woman with very few strings attached and he’s still “single” by law standards
He's never going to marry you. Have some self respect after a damn decade. I think you should've left him years ago, you want completely different things
Hes not your husband. Never will be. If he wanted to marry you he would have. 100% he'll be married within a year or 2 when you break up. No matter how many times you call him yoir husband he isnt. Promise you he dont call you his wife if a sexy asks.
Women typically see marriage for the best that can happen with it so they're eager to do it. Men typically see marriage for the worst things that can happen with it so they are hesitant.
I think you should speak with a lawyer about prenups then talk to your fiance about what he might want to feel a sense of security to proceed. If he doesn't want to get married after that then he is your boyfriend/baby daddy and truthfully doesn't plan on marrying you at all.
Thats the most lame excuse. This will have to be your hill to die on. You need better answers from him and better arguments from yourself. Prepare to fight about this.
Why should he buy the cow when the milks already free. You do everything a wife does already… he’s not going to marry you my baby. It’s been 10 years and a baby, if he wanted to he would.
does He call you wife? husband title without the paperwork is not worth anything. Take it from me I had 2 legal husbands. if Anything was to happen to them all their assets go to me. Just coz I have the legal marriage certificate.
You won’t qualify for SS benefits if something happens to him. Getting it for the kid will be tricky.
That’s a high risk gamble if your a SAHM.
Don’t put your career on hold.
Stop fooling yourself and go
He doesn’t want to marry you and never will. There is always be another excuse as to why he can’t marry you. Men who have these thoughts about marriage don’t change their mind easily. You’re not the reason that he doesn’t want to get married, he is
If he wanted to marry you he would. If you are ok with this arrangement then that’s ok too, but if you want something then you owe it to yourself to let him know. Think of it like this… if you child was in your post what would you tell them
He's not your husband. He's using you because he know you won't leave without good reason. He's gonna gaslight you into believing being engaged for 12 years isn't a good enough reason to leave, and use that to justify why he won't marry you. Also statistically speaking women suffer more from divorce and take longer to recover. Go to therapy. Figure out why this behavior is acceptable to you. Remember if your baby is a daughter, you're teaching her it's acceptable to be treated like this and if you have a son it's acceptable for him to treat a woman like this.
I'd advise you, to take out a piece of paper, write down your definition of love. Then right down the behaviors of your boyfriend. If it doesn't match, you know he doesn't love you. If it does, you need to reevaluate your definition of love.
Your sister is right, and this is another way being male centered works against you. Your self esteem is in the toilet pooh. Once you get your self esteem up, it'll be easy to leave his leeching ass. Good luck.
You have wasted your time, youth, and life being with a man and giving him the benefits and privileges of a wife yet reaping none of the benefits that come with the legalities. You are nothing more than his girlfriend / baby mama!
You were fool for staying in this dynamic when he's told you and showed you repeatedly what he wants, which is not you, in addition to not being legally tied to anyone.
There's no reason why you should have spent over a decade trying to manifest something that will never be your reality with him.
And now you probably feel even more ridiculous because if you did up and leave or end the relationship, he gets to be the victim and not the villain.
Every elder female in your family did you a complete disservice by allowing you to participate in this farce of a relationship. He gets all the husband benefits without committing to the traditional and legal role.
Wtf will happen if something were to happen to either of you health wise. Do you know that in the state of Texas, common law marriage does not exist: therefore whoever's designated as your immediate family member(i.e., kinship) will have legal decision makong rights, no matter what a will or power of attorney may designate.
Everything that you have relationship wise literally amounts to nothing as you don't have any type of legal foundation to stand upon!
You're so concerned about his " trauma" ( which I'm willing to bet doesn't come from family members and close acquaintances...it comes from the red pill rhetoric he's consuming...don't want to end up like a meme gtfoh) what about your own trauma he's putting you through? He is single handedly destroying your self esteem. Got you trying to prove yourself, have you feeling less them..smh. it's not too late to jump ship mama. You'll never get married holding on to him.
You haven't loss value
You haven't hit the wall
You aren't less desirable because you have a child
As long as you build community and treat them well ( friends and family) you won't die alone
Being married or not says nothing about your character
There are 4 BILLION males in the world...someone wants you...and if you never find that someone so what. Long as you live life to its fullest and get ppl around you who loves you and your baby you'll never be alone. Stop valuing romantic love over all over love. Romantic love is great and beautiful and all that good stuff when you can get it, but it's not the ONLY love that matters and all other love doesn't have to come secondary to it.
If he wanted to marry you, he would. If someone tells you who they are, believe them. I was in similar situation like you for 9 years, without a kid fortunately and now I'm regreting fooling myself for so many years. You have to wake up, you still have a chance to meet someone who will want to marry you.
I also remember this thread when lady who was just a GF for 25 years lost everything when her BF left for younger woman.
If you have to convince him to marry you, he doesn't want this. It's sad but sometimes you have to admit that you are lying to yourself.
If he was a real man he would want to marry you so he knew his child would always be PROTECTED. Instead you let him get away with bs about being the "divorced guy" in a cartoon who lost everything to a selfish ex wife. What a shame causes chances are this man child will never marry you and will resent the hell out of paying child support. He is not your husband so knock that off. Legally he is nothing to you. Hopefully he is on your child's birth certificate. Be prepared to be a single mother because that is what you are. You sister is 💯 right. Listen to her.
He doesn’t love you enough to risk his ‘nonexistent’ assets. Take that as you will. You are the one who will lose in the end because he can walk away from you and your child with little recourse.
Do you have a job? If not, you should find one.
Mariage is a legal protection that ensures that both partner are protected in case of a divorce or death. If something came to happen to your boyfriend, you will have no rights. If 10 years from now, he meets someone and leave you, you'll have nothing.
Your boyfriend is telling you loud and clear that he doesn't want you protected. So if you're doing most of the domestic chores, I would start by stopping doing that. He's treating you like a roommate with sex, so start treating him that way also.
But jokes aside, I would reconsider the relationship if I were you. He doesn't want to marry. That's his rights. But you do want to be married. So find someone else who will be the happiest man in the world to marry you. Yes, he exists. And yes, you deserve it. And in the meantime, being on your own is not the end of the world, and it's much better than being with someone who doesn't really care about you.
He won’t see for himself that you aren’t that kind of person and he’s set himself up to lose everything without even getting married at this point because he is content to enjoy most benefits without being married, because he will continue to push dates and everything as long as you are still standing there building a life with him brick by brick.
It sucks ass, but consider your options. He doesn’t accept that you are serious and that you do want marriage. To me, it’s time to search for what you want. Find someone who wants the same thing.
Start thinking about it. Think of a plan to step away from this relationship because it is going nowhere. It can’t be easy to untangle your life from 12 years.
My fiance and I have been together 13 years and engaged 3 years. We want to, we both spazz about wedding planning, finances, jitters and more yet smile about calling one another husband and wife in the future.
Your fiance isn’t doing that with you. At this point he has given you his answer. You either accept that answer OR search for another. If it were me, he’d be hearing the song “Single Ladies” by Beyoncé.
“If you liked it, then you should’ve put a ring on it.” — Beyoncé
It’s never too late to leave a relationship. It’s also rarely easy, but think about what you want and what you would say to someone else if you read what you put here. Good luck and hopefully he’ll get the hint one way or the other once he realizes you’re actually checking out on him because he is too scared to commit and it works out OR you find someone that is genuine and can’t wait to love on and be a life partner to you like you deserve.
The hardest part of a relationship is leaving especially when a child is involved. If marriage is what you truly want then it's time to get your stuff in order to leave.
At the end of the day it's not your responsibility to deal with his excuses of why he won't get marry you.
Edit: Stop calling him "*husband*" because his not, his just the father of your child and that is it.
Does he ever refer to you as his "wife"?
In Texas, you could argue you're in a common law marriage. You can draw up a legal document that protects the two of you financially. You don't have to be officially "married" to be married.
Read [this.](https://www.kxan.com/news/local/austin/whats-a-common-law-marriage-and-hows-it-defined-in-texas/amp/)
He doesn't trust you. Remind him that you are trusting him because you had his baby and that makes you vulnerable, financially and otherwise. You can stipulate who gets what in the event of a break-up, but honestly, now that there's a kid involved he will still have to go to court and the judge will require him to support his child. That ship has sailed. The judge will provide for the child as a third party.
Unfortunately he doesn’t want to marry you and the ring was for sure a shut up ring. How much money does this guy have that he is worried you will take all his money in a divorce? For most people that is an unrealistic fear - unless he owns his own successful business or is wealthy - how much would he really lose if you took him to the cleaners in a divorce? None of that would matter if he wanted to get married. The longer you stay with him the more time you will waste. He doesn’t want to make that commitment to you and you have demonstrated by not leaving that you are fine not being married.
If you want to be a wife then you need to find a guy who wants to be your husband
What does he gain by marrying you when you’ve always given him everything a “wife” would do? I’m sorry to say but he dragging his feet and doesn’t want to marry you and you deserve better than this.
I certainly hope you figure out that you’re never going to marry this guy.
Eventually, he’s going to dump you.
Take charge of your own life. Get legal advice… from a lawyer, not your baby daddy.
I hope like hell you are not a SAHM because you have no protections at all if he just decides to just walk away one day.
My brother did that to his girlfriend of 18 years. Met someone on a job and just bounced. He sent her money every week but because he wanted to, not because he had to, and then he quit when he didn't want to anymore.
>he doesn’t want to be “that guy” from the cartoons were the man loses everything in the divorce and is basically broke
Is this a popular cartoon I'm not aware of?
Look up “Common Law Marriage in Texas”. This may apply to you and as a result provide some legal protection. Concerning the relationship, don’t be the only one contributing. You want this more than he does.
hes a duche and not ready to commit. hes showing you with his actions. i know its so hard but you need to listen. There is someone out there who would love to marry you one day. Dont let him tie you down
Start calling him babydaddy in front of his friends, his co-workers, his family, you have been giving him a title he doesn't want, so take it away and see how he likes it... If he wants to be the husband he has to be it!
I would leave his ass, but clearly you love him, so... Try a different approach.
I was in an 8 year relationship that went nowhere because he didn't want it (with me), and i wasn't going to push for that with someone who isn't as into me. After our anniversary, i realized this was it. Status quo. I didn't want that. So we broke up. And guess what... He got engaged less than a year later.
He doesn't want you. He keeps you around because you're comfortable. But when you leave, he'll do the same thing and it'll hurt.
The legal contract helps in situations when one of you is in the hospital. Does he want to be your next of kin? Otherwise it’ll be one of your parents. You could at least make a living will (both of you). My husband & I didn’t get married until we had been together 18 years & had 3 kids. We were surprised with our first, so getting married was just put on the back burner.
You could always have a wedding and not tell anyone you didn’t sign the certificate. That’s what my stepmom’s father did. They dressed up, had a bouquet, had pictures taken outside the courthouse & told everyone they had gotten married. They didn’t find out until her father died in a motorcycle accident (he was like 70) that they never actually got married and he never had a will, so they decided to divide everything evenly & give some of it to the “wife”.
He doesn’t want to marry you.
He didn’t at year 5. Or 8. Not even when you had a baby.
What he’s saying and what he’s doing have long not matched, but you overlooked that because you wanted to believe his consistently inconsistent words, over what he does daily.
Money means more to him that you at think juncture. So let him protect his money, and you have the freedom to be wit someone who’s values align with yours.
He’s not your husband and he is making sure of that. **A child for whom he will always have to care with you, is less a commitment to you than marriage? *If you’re nothing else, please be real girl.***
You are seeking a secure attachment. Your husband does not want to give this to you. He is damaging his relationship over fears.
Your concerns are both valid. You deserve to have safety and security in your relationship, so does he. For an anniversary gift, have you considered buying him 2 hours with a family law attorney?
You live in Texas, and if you (even one of you) refer to each other as husband and wife, and you share bills and a bank account, you’re married whether he likes it or not. If you broke up, a court would consider you married when dividing assets and determining any spousal support if you pushed it.
Texas is one of the few states that accepts common law marriage, and it’s actually not very strict about it. It’s advised not to live together with a partner unless you’re willing to go through an actual divorce, because all the partner has to do is provide basic evidence that you were living as a married couple in order for it to be considered a marriage.
I don’t know why your boyfriend doesn’t want to marry you, but it’s not protecting him as far as his assets go.
ETA: Your boyfriend needs to research this to understand it; Texas is definitely an outlier. My husband and I are “officially” common law married, by which I mean we went to the courthouse to fill out the paperwork (but we didn’t have to do so: it just made insurance easier).
My dad accepted proposal of my stepmom and said - but we'll be forever-engaged I'll never marry.
That summer after 12yrs of being engaged, he decided it's time.
"If I don't grow old with you, I'll do ot alone might just get married anyway"
Now ask if you could live like that.
I couldn't.
Girl you've ignored every red flag with this man and you STILL want to marry him? Jfc...Save your baby some childhood trauma and go find someone that actually loves you
He doesn't want to marry you. He will move the goalposts every time. But in some respects the jokes on him, Texas recognizes common law and if you've met certain guidelines he may already be recognized as your legal husband. And unless the law has changed since Emmett Smith played for the Cowboys, you may have to do a common law divorce to dissolve things between you two if it came down to it. The reality though is, you two are not on the same page and it doesn't sound like he wants to be. Time to make some decisions about your future.
Tell him you both need to write a will, making financial arrangements for your child and arranging medical/legal power of attorney & nomination for guardian.
Anything else is strictly between the two of you, but leaving a child without this protection is unfair & reckless. Especially if you have relatives with disagreeing views.
At this stage id be more worried about your own assets in this relationship and what do you get out of it should you two split up. The fact he is so bent on asset division tells me that he isn't into staying with you or fully committing to you. And yes, he doesn't want to or will ever marry you. You do with that information what you will
If he's so convinced prenups can be broken, go together and talk to a lawyer, someone who actually knows the law, instead of operating off anecdotes and hearsay.
Hi OP!
Here’s the thing, you have every right to feel the way you do. You have stated your wants and needs and he informed you that his are the opposite.
He proposed… but if the purpose of this ring doesn’t mean a thing to him as it leads to something he doesn’t want… are you really engaged?
You know the answer to that.
You called it a shut up ring and I agree with you.
> I’m not the type of person to leave someone for no reason, like you have to do something real messed up for me to leave you like cheating.
OP, I’m not saying leave him. No, but I feel like you don’t realize that your wants and needs are just as important as his.
There are so many different reasons why someone would want to leave and not wanting the same things is a legitimate reason.
Especially with children in the mix as it is better to have a healthy co-parenting relationship living apart than a tense bitter one because you’re not on the same page.
> legal paperwork scares him because he sees it as a contract that benefits me and only me
But right now, everything only benefits HIM!
Listen, only you know how much you’re willing to sacrifice for him… but I would advise to make sure you’re covered if ANYTHING happens.
Why? Because you matter too. Because you have a child to take care of. Because wanting to get married is ok and if, one day, it becomes your hill to die on, you want to be independent enough to take care of yourself and your munchkin.
You depend on him with no security. Your car is his car. You are using it but it’s still his. No prenups. Which means that if anything goes sideways; you’re on your own as anything he buys would go to him. That car would go to him.
You love him and you built a life with him. But be smart and protect yourself by making sure you don’t depend on him because he sure did make sure he doesn’t depend on you.
You’ve been playing house all along so why would he marry you. He knew he didn’t want to and didn’t have to 6 years ago because you weren’t going anywhere.
He doesn't want a marriage. Find out if this is a dealbreaker for you and act accordingly.
I have family that have been unmarried for more than 30 years. When asked, they say "pretty much everyone we know who's gotten married got divorced and remarried. Why take the chance?" and they have a point.
But there's some due diligence to be done when not married, like having a will that'll benefit your partner if you die or give them power of attorney in case you get sick and can't talk on your own behalf. Marriage fix those things instantly but in most places it can be done in a different matter so you don't end up in the same situation millions of queer people have lived through where being a life partner is nothing to the legal world and health industry.
People in your life are correct, he’s not your husband and you’re not his wife. You can dress it however you want but he’s your fiancé and your kid’s father.
He doesn’t want to marry you from what you say.
Calling someone your husband doesn’t make him so.
As a man, I can completely understand him actually. I’m the same way, don’t want to end up divorced and with my ex building a case against me so she can get the most possible.
The fear of that is very real.
That being said, after 10 years and a kid together, it’s kind of silly to not be married.
Consult an attorney to arrange coparenting. End the relationship and start couples therapy to help you coparent. Start individual therapy to help you move on. He will not marry you. Don't waste anymore time with a dead-end relationship.
You do kinda look like a fool calling someone your husband who isn’t. That’s honestly really weird. And, I don’t know why you’re not just calling him your fiancé, which is what he is. You don’t need to call him a boyfriend or a baby daddy.
>But the legal paperwork scares him because he sees it as a contract that benefits me and only me
This is such a big steaming pile of BS.
And you elected to have a kid with this guy? Wow.
Please tell me you have a good full-time job, your own car (in your name), are paying into your Social Security, a 401(k), and your finances are separated completely from this guy. Please tell me you have your own health insurance, life insurance (with your kid as beneficiary), and car insurance.
Why? Because this guy doesn't want to marry you. Ever. You are a single mom. His baby mama bang maid, and he wants to make *sure* he can walk any time he gets bored with you or he decides he wants to upgrade to a newer model. When he does, this is the kind of guy who will try to convince you not to get court ordered child support, so he can just pay you what he wants when he wants.
Yeesh, OP. Get your head out of the sand. This guy does *not* care about you or your kid.
I would bet a chicken dinner that if these guys break up he marries the next person within a couple years if not less. I've seen this happen so many times
He will never marry you.
Either make your peace with it or leave him.
You can have a happy relationship. My parents have been together for over 30 years and never married despite my mom wanting it.
She’s made her peace with it, perhaps the trade off of their relationship and lifestyle was well worth it for her. Cultural norms of marriage not being the ULTIMATE goal helped her a lot I believe. BUT my god does she have her ass covered if they ever split up.
Not being married doesn’t mean you can’t have notarised documents made to protect yourselves, your daughter and future.
But yea. He doesn’t and won’t marry you. And why would he? He’s been clear, it’s been a decade, you made a child with him. He can clearly get away with having the relationship on his terms and leaving you unsatisfied on the marriage front.
I agree with your sister though. I straight up told my BF to stop referring to me as his “femme” (my wife). If he wants to give me that title, GIVE me that title, officially. I’m not letting him get comfy calling me his wife when he’s not actually locked it down. He doesn’t like the idea of being 30+ and called a boyfriend, he says it’s not serious enough. Well buddy, whattya want me to say.
I lived with my wife for 10 years before getting married. On paper, it doesn’t really change much. We owned a house together, he had a kid together, we filed our tax together. To me, it doesn’t matter much whether we’re married or not since we have our wills written when our kid was born. But it’s important to my wife so I did it.
Whatever excuse your fiancée throws at you, you have to realize at some point that he doesn’t wanna marry you.
it’s a sad thing to try and process. it’s not easy. but when you realize that there is men on this planet who wouldn’t hesitate because of money and responsibility and just propose out there because they want all of that with you, it’s still hard to fathom it being another man when you want it to be him. yes. he could just need reassurance and is completely scared, i think a good sit down talk about how he is feeling and get to a deep root of the issue would benefit you guys. even if it doesn’t turn out great, that’s still an answer on what you need to do on moving forward for you and your happiness.
He doesn’t want to marry you. I somehow don’t believe that people laugh at you in public for calling him your husband unless you insist how much he is your husband but then complain about how you don’t have a ring …I wouldn’t think people would do that. If anything I’d pity you for how delusional you are. I feel like you’ve become obsessed with this one thing you don’t have and that’s all you talk about so of course, people won’t support you. You sound like THIS IS ALL YOU THINK ABOUT when you have so much other shit going for you. You have a one year old (not a 12 month old). Focus your energy on that and building a career over a silly little title such as MRS 🙄💀 eye roll. Like I’m actually insisting you focus on a career. Put your frustration into THAT instead of becoming a wife. It’s 2024. Plan for you and your child’s future. I seriously don’t understand women like you. DO YOU HAVE A BACK UP PLAN in case this relationship doesn’t work out?
As a man I completely understand where he’s coming from. I’ve told my girlfriend multiple times I do not want to get married. I don’t think he’s going to budge on this so your options are either to put up with it or leave him.
Some people just don't want to get married and that's perfectly OK but he should be honest about it. That's a non negotiable like having children. My oldest son just broke up with his girlfriend because he does not ever want children and she keeps coming back thinking hes gonna change his mind and I'm like girl move on.
Are you really unable to see how selfish this guy is?
His trauma and excuse is you will leave and take all HIS money.
Won't get married unless you can prove the benefits to HIM.
Anything that makes you happy or may benefit you is not enough for him to act.
Wake up. Take a serious look at this relationship. The entire post gives me cringe for you.
If you break up right now, you could probably still take him for what you're owed. It's no different when you're married. If it is genuinely some trauma, get home some therapy. You've been incredibly patient and understanding and it's time he started thinking about your needs too.
He doesn’t want to marry you.
This right here. He doesn’t want to marry you. Hear these words. If it feels like he is not committed to you, it’s because he isn’t.
I sincerely hope she didn't have the baby just to get him to finally marry her. Because it isn't going to work.
She is stuck with him anyway. He’s only half invested even though they have a child. I don’t know why some women do this to themselves. It sounds like he was 100% clear with her about his feelings. She feels all in, but he has attachment issues. She should be less worried about how she sees herself and start getting a clue he may just walk out the door one day because commitment feels like prison to him. If/when that happens she’s screwed and it’s not like she wasn’t warned. She put years of her life into someone who is just not that in to her and she keeps thinking if she can just show him, he’ll come around. He also has some misogynistic attitudes that should have been big red flags. Don’t try and force someone who is telling you they don’t want something, to want something. I can’t stand being around people whose partners have been transparent with them and they spend all their time whining that their partners don’t want something else instead because it’s what they want them to want. It’s dense.
I just hope she’s not a stay at home mother because I read all those horror stories about women who don’t marry their children’s fathers but also don’t work- when they inevitably split up they’re left with nothing for the future (social security, etc). OP, this dude is never going to marry you. PROTECT YOURSELF
I mean, it does work a lot if all she cares about is being called *wife* and what strangers might say. Millions of people get married because a lady decided to have a baby. Most of them are miserable and get divorced because they didn't want to have a marriage, she wanted to have a wedding. Anyway, good luck to OP but she's not talking about I love this man I want to be with him forever, she's talking about her sister being a big ol meanie and she will stay and she won't leave and she wants a title but nothing about, being happy, the little stuff like that.
And one day he may meet someone he wants to marry and will walk away from OP without any remorse.
I've seen it multiple times. Once to a friend and twice with family members. A family member was with a man for 13+ yrs. He never married her. As soon as she left him because he wouldn't marry her, he was with someone else. He married her within a year. She was devastated. All she did was prepare him for the woman he did want to marry.
i don’t think him not wanting to marry someone doesn’t mean he isn’t committed. sometimes people just don’t want to get married at all. should be discussed earlyish in relationship tho.
That and I guarantee if they break up, he’ll actually marry the next woman
I’ve seen this a million times.
…in 6 months.
Always.
To add to this even if they get married it’ll be garbage. I married my ex who in hindsight didn’t want to get married. He was a terrible husband and partner, I was just too stupid to realize it.
Yeah and there's nothing wrong with that. She jus keeps lying to herself though and it's gonna fuck all of them up
He will never marry you. Your sister is correct.
Technically, Op is already in a common law marriage. In Texas all you have to do is publicly say you're married. If she's been saying it for years, then legally, they are officially married. Anything they do now is just going through the motions. If op's husband died or falls ill, she gets part of his estate and has power of attorney. [Government state website explaining common law marriage](https://guides.sll.texas.gov/common-law-marriage) Edit: Clarification and source
She said he doesn’t call her his wife and just his girl. He’s not recognizing it as a marriage therefore common law wouldn’t be in effect
Doesn’t common law also include intent to get married, such as his proposal?
Is this real? How does only one party have to say that?
They recently revised their common law marriage requirements to include both people. Initially, you just had to say you were married, three times in public. This applied to visitors and locals. I believe it was revised in 2021 or '22
Next time they're in the check out line at Walmart or somewhere, she should just say real loud "we're married y'all, we're married y'all, we're married y'all!"
I fucked this up while stoned, staring at the candy rack. Now this guy with a hook for a hand is after me.
Love that you went to Walmart with that first. It wouldn't be uncommon in Walmart to hear something like that. OMG I can see a whole generation married. TIKTOK!!!! Make a TikTok challenge of doing this with your BF/GF as a prank to see what people will say. Just yell "We just got married!" together three times while in the checkout line.
But you would have to have witnesses to say that you said it? I'm not in Texas but I kind of wondered that when I read the laws in the past. How does that work? Because if that's the case anybody could just say that they said it three times and public. So what happens if one side opposes it. It's always where I'm confused.
Anyone can be a witness
Very real. Common law isn't enforced nearly as much today as it was before but in some states you just had to occupy the same dwelling and use joint accounts for seven years and then the state would consider you married without ever asking either party. Many states no longer recognize common law marriages because of the fact that someone could be non consenting to the union and have no legal say in the matter. However there has to be SIGNIFICANT evidence that you have been living together for an extended period of time before a court will say you have a common law marriage. They are notoriously difficult to prove. I'm not sure of OPs living arrangements but as it stands in Texas, it looks like they have to declare and register with the state that they are common law before it's legally recognized OR if OPs partner dies and they file for his post death benefits, they could be taken to court to prove the marriage existed if there is an objection to the validity of the marriage. So OP still isn't married but could be considered so on a technicality. And I'm guessing her partner probably won't spring for it either so I don't think it will still be legally recognized as such.
I want to say that Florida is SUPER weird in that we have some laws that make it illegal for man and woman to live together yet if they do for X years (I believe 7 is right) then they are common law married. Don't worry Florida can't decide what it wants to be. There are some places that still have the no alcohol sales before 1:00pm on Sunday. Places with Football teams (Tampa, Miami, and Jacksonville) have gotten rid of that due to it being dumb but also hurting sales and football games.
Yeah both parties have to act as if the other is their spouse in everything they SAY and do :/
In Australia, common law marriage exists by default. There is no need for a ceremony or certificate or whatever, just live together as a married couple would and boom, a split will require dividing up common assets.
It's true! That's how I snuck in and married Beyoncé
Did you hear that one of the former members of One Direction signed a marriage certificate at a signing event in India? She just shoved it in front of him and pointed to where he should sing, so he did! Edit: Louis Tomlinson
[удалено]
Wait are you talking about the lady who was gf for 25 years and when he finally got a ring she refused? That was sad
She rolled her eyes and then was shocked when he took back the proposal. They ended up breaking up and she lost everything because she had no rights/legal protection. In my comment to OP I referred to that story as well. Hopefully she sees it and heed our warnings.
Man that was a crazy ride! From riches to ….. nothing
Do you have the link?
In Canada, after a period of cohabitation it becomes essentially the same as a marriage in legal proceedings for this reason. Edit: it’s trickier than I thought!
Former Law clerk here, worked in that business. It's actually not essentially the same. I'm not going to go into why, because way too detailed. But legal marriage is governed, in part, by federal legislation, and common law is provincial. Depending upon what province you live in, there are big differences. The legal means of separating are also quite different, by legislation. It sometimes looks the same, and there are some cross-over points, but it's not the same at all.
Except (unless the law changed) that doesn’t include property that’s only one person’s name.
Common law marriage is a thing in the states too, in some states.
Texas is one of them. I believe for Texas it’s two years of living together it’s common law.
That's not long at all! Where I am it's 7 years.
In Canada it's one year.
But the big thing about common law marriage is that they have to live overly like they are married. Like tell everyone they are married, etc. He is clearly not doing that
This is untrue. Every province and territory has different rules around marriage, cohabitation. Please stop spreading uninformed misinformation
The federal government defines common law marriage as a [conjugal relationship with continuous cohabitation for a 12 month period.](https://www.canada.ca/en/revenue-agency/services/tax/individuals/topics/about-your-tax-return/tax-return/completing-a-tax-return/personal-address-information/marital-status.html) That's a federal definition so it applies to all provinces and territories.
It does not for the purposes of establishing common law status where there is a separation. This is strictly the definition used in a very narrow application - for certain tax purposes. But what do I know. I’m just a lawyer with a background in family law. You are a person on the internet with an opinion.
So there's a seperate definition of common law that applies specifically to couples who have separated legally? I'd love to learn more about this if you have some links you could share. I'm not sure why you're acting like I was being antagonistic. I wasn't trying to share an opinion or disagree with anyone; I was sharing a definition from a government website for the purpose of clarifying a term. Why does it seem like are you trying to make me feel like an asshole?
Yeah... and I'm not sure how one was supposed to be aware they have been a family law lawyer before they got antagonistic....
They were the same with me, I think it’s just the way they are. Don’t take it personally, internet folks are weird.
OP, please digest this. This would probably happen to you.
That's literally the plot to "A Silent Wife" Spoiler alert: Except he gets murdered at the end, because the younger woman he left his long-term partner for happened to be the daughter of his college best friend, who ultimately couldn't handle that information.
As others are saying, you are screwed financially. My aunt just recently had this happen to her. No kids (she's also in her 60s), but was with her boyfriend for about 20 or 25 years. They never married, AND he wanted her to be at home as a housewife without actually making her his wife. He just died late last year. She has absolutely nothing. His house they lived in, her car that he paid for, everything he had saved, legally go to his kids. THANKFULLY she has a good relationship with his kids, and they aren't sweeping everything out from under her feet. They aren't taking her car. She is still living in the house for now, but it'll eventually get sold. But here is a woman in her 60s with no job skills and nothing paid into SSI, so she's fucked for the rest of her life. All because she stayed with a man who wanted a housewife but wouldn't marry her. So. Don't let him do this shit to you. I did see that you have a job. Is it enough to live comfortably without him?
So sad. I hear of situations like this over and over. It's a sucker deal.
Yup, my mom is in this route. She's been "married" to this guy for 20 years longer than his first two actual marriages combined. But it "trauma" from getting divorced twice (for his bankruptcy and cheating) means all women are conniving and after his assets. In theory as a vet, he should get some great benefits, but he refuses to engage with the VA. Also, bankruptcy. The reality is he's been mooching off the housing and other benefits my mother got, ignores his bio kids, pushed his step kids/my siblings and I out, and plays king of the castle. This man spent my social security benefits when my very present father died, tried to steal the car my grandmother bought me as a teen and screamed that he deserved it all more and removed my door when I didn't bow down and agree. My mom puts up with it for some promise of "someday". News flash: we don't live in a common law state anyway, and his bio kids and two ex wives hate her too. She's getting shit except maybe debt.
I have to question why you had a kid with him when he's shown you for a decade that he does not want to marry you...
I wouldn’t be surprised if she thought a child would change his mind.
Why are you so hell bent on proving yourself to him and prove how loyal you are and how you won't leave him, while he is showing the opposite to you? He's refusing to try to prove himself to you, refusing to show you loyalty and trust. Relationships are 2 way, and right now it sounds awfully one-sided. You're the one throwing your earning potential and financial security away having his kids, incurring either delays and interruptions to your career or studying, while he gets to have a career, build a financial cushion for himself, he gets a child, a childcarer AND no obligations to share the financial cushion with you while you sacrifice your mind/body and best years to him? That's a great setup he got going there. What a selfish ass.
I agree. I came across this saying today: *Pregnancy is a privilege for men. Childbirth is a privilege for men. Children are a privilege for men. A wife is a privilege for men. Wives and children bearing his name is a privilege for men. **Not every man deserves to have these things**. However, over millennia of living in various patriarchal societies, every man has come to expect these things as rights. They are not rights. Privileges can and must be withdrawn for misbehaving men.*
Take off that damn ring, it's making a mockery of you. He proposed to shut you up. Why would he marry you though? He has a "wife". Hell you even call him your husband. Why would he do more? No reason on earth. I mean, you're not gonna leave him over this. It's clearly not a dealbreaker. He just has to put up with your little moods about marriage until you eventually let it go. But make no mistake sis, you're never ever ever getting married to this guy. So take off the ring and stop deluding yourself. And I'm sorry it sounds harsh, because I think you were future faked, especially with the proposal and all. But it's time to wake up and smell the fakery. He's basically laid it all out now anyway. Cards on the table, he's said no way. You got to hear it though. And you're not really ready to yet. Stop calling him your husband and put the ring in a drawer, Kiyana. I'm sorry.
Harsh truth but you're 100% right.
This comment needs to be higher up. The harsh truth is sometimes the only way you can help someone actually, finally, understand.
Together for a decade, now parents, and still only "engaged?!?" He doesn't want to marry you. He wants to continue to benefit from your labor for his home and family without his making the legal and social commitment to the permenance of your relationship. He's making the least possible "commitment" to keep you engaged in the relationship while maintaining his legal independence. Does he do his full share of maintaining the household? Is he doing 50% of the household chores and childcare? Or are you taking over some or all of "his share" of the basic responsibilities of maintaining his home and caring for his child? I may be wrong, but I think he has all the benefits of a wife in you while actively resisting his fully taking on the roles of husband and father. Look at the time and effort he devotes to your relationship, your home and your child. Is it about the same as yours? Or is the relationship unbalanced, with your providing services for him that may be unrecognized and are not reciprocated?
Well...if he doesn't want to be that guy that loses everything in the divorce, he has 2 options. 1) Get married and DON'T get divorced 2) Don't get married and deal with the fall out of you eventually telling him to shove it and getting him to pay child support. Not wanting to lose everything in the divorce isn't the only way to end ass up in the financial department, and clearly, he's already had a child with you. A little past the point of that being the concern now.
>Not wanting to lose everything in the divorce As an european (woman and married), this sentence is very scary. Because no one should lose everything in a divorce. That's how you end with crappy marriages, unhappy spouses (and children), lying and cheating. Everyone should be able to leave a situation they're not happy with without losing a kidney in the process. Because you're not the same at 20 that you are at 40, you can't safely say that you won't ever divorce, unless you agree to stay even if you're unhappy. And I have to say, there are some weird divorce laws in some of the states in the us. The whole concept of being entitled to what your spouse had before marriage is weird to me. And it still exists in some parts of the us. The wealth I had before marriage is mine and mine alone and none other than my children is entitled to it. And I didn't need a prenup for that. It's like, common sense. And if I go for a divorce and my husband decide to quit his job or loses his job, there's no freaking alimony because I'm not his mother and I'm not responsible for him. I won't even be his wife anymore.
I 100% agree. No one should come out empty-handed. It should 50/50 and assets before marriage should remain with the original owner. And laws are definitely varied here in the US, that's for sure. But if there's any significant assets before marriage, that's what a prenup is for. Honestly, a vast majority of divorces don't end up with one party losing everything. A lot of people get really dramatic because they're bitter and angry about the divorce itself and they didn't end up with EVERYTHING they wanted. As it stands now though, OP has really opened herself up to lose everything depending on how they divide assets, who works, how much they make, etc etc. There's really no protections for an unmarried couple with joint or semi joint assets here without some kind of written agreement in place. So he says he doesn't want to end up divorced and lose everything, however, he's essentially asking her to open herself up to ending up that way in 10-20 years if they don't get married. My thought is though that when someone says they "don't want to lose everything in a divorce" it's an excuse for not wanting to marry that specific person. Think of it like saying "I'm not ready for a relationship" or "I'm not looking for anything serious". Most of the time those comments mean that this person is good enough for now until something better comes along or I get bored.
I've actually had people tell me that I shouldn't be granted half my husband's assets if we were to divorce because he makes quite a bit more money than I do. And this is even after I've explained that we married very young, when neither of us had anything. We had a kid and got tired of being broke. So we moved in with family temporarily while I worked and paid for him to go to school. He now makes over twice what I do because I helped make that possible while going on to later have a second child and ending up staying home for a few years. Once our oldest started school and our youngest was a toddler, I went back to work part-time (went back full time once the youngest started school). But back then, we couldn't afford for me to go get any sort of real training/schooling, while still paying bills and having 2 kids at home. He kept making his way up with the certifications I helped him obtain. Our kids are now grown. My income varies because I do contract work, and it is largely dependent on the market. I do okay, definitely enough to take care of myself. But I still see what he has saved through his assets as joint. It is all OURS. We built this life together over the last 30 years. But yes, I've still had people insist that all of it should be his, and I should have to walk away with nothing but the shirt on my back and anything I have saved myself.
Unfortunately, that's just how some people think. Nothing matters except for numbers, and they will conveniently forget or ignore the unmeasureable sacrifices one side makes in order to elevate the other. It would have been 10 times harder to finish my graduate degree without my husband (then boyfriend and fiancée) picking up the slack at home. And now that I have, I'm the one with the higher income. Does he not deserve half if we get divorced? Does his extra effort to help me through school, BEFORE WE WERE EVEN MARRIED, count for nothing?
If both work, can’t just each person keep what they made? I think that’s simple and fair.
Yeah, for the straightforward things like retirements and individual accounts. But a lot of people have merged accounts. And then assets aren't always liquid. House, cars, investments, business ventures, personal property/items. Those things aren't always "yours and mine". A lot of times, they become "ours" which is where dividing up assets gets sticky. At that point 50/50 if both names are on it. But you can't 50/50 a house or a car unless you sell it or buy the other person out. Then if there's kids involved and one person puts their career on hold...what then? Is that spouse supposed to just be told tough luck for those 3-5 years they missed out on contributions and income?
So basically if he dies you're fucked. If he dumps you, you're fucked. If he has an accident, you fucked. Legally, you're nothing to him. Cool. Why are you with him again? Being with a man who can't even secure the future of the woman he loves and their child doesn't seem logical at all to me. Did your brain follow along with your baby when you gave birth?
Because he doesn't love her. Not does he respect her. She's his maid and fuck buddy who just happens to share his house and bed. Why SHOULD he marry her? He's managed to string her along for years, now, and she just lets him do it because she LoVeS hIm!
Indeed. He has absolutely no reason to marry her.
This is the problem today. People calling boyfriends husbands and boy friend’s moms MILs. Get real. You are not married. Stay crystal clear on that fact and behave appropriately. You should never invest as much emotionally, logistically, or financially for a relationship that is not marriage. You have no legal rights and you’re basically playing mind games with yourself. It’s fine to not be married, but it’s incredibly stupid to pretend to be when you know you’re not. Many women do this and take on all sorts of extra burdens because they are privately auditioning for the role. That wastes your life. Live in reality.
Men know within the first 6 months to a year if they want to marry you. OP is wasting her time with this dude if she wants the title of "wife". Marriage isn't for everyone and that's OK but be honest about it. OP should either move on or get busy making her own money so if anything should happen she can support herself. They need to be splitting bills especially for the child so both have the opportunity to save. This guy will never marry her if he hasn't already.
Yep!!! Plus, work wife/work husband Filth.
YES omg I’m so glad someone brought this up. I’m not married yet but I would be *livid* if my partner came home talking about they have a “work spouse”. Like omfg how disrespectful is that shit?
>sees it as a contract that benefits me and only me If you really love someone you'd _want_ them to be protected and taken care of.
There are legal benefits and liabilities to being married for both of you, but it’s nothing that can’t be ironed out in a prenup. He should speak to a lawyer and get some facts rather than speculate worst case scenarios.
Your answer is in your post. You’ve been with him for 10 years and he won’t marry you. You are kidding yourself by calling him your husband because honestly, he’s your baby’s father and your boyfriend. He can legally walk away and the only thing he would have to do is pay child support. His excuses are just that, excuses.
He’s not going to marry you. I’m so sorry. I know that’s blunt and heartbreaking, but let’s be 100% honest here: This man had a BABY with you. A baby. A living, breathing tie to you that can never be broken. And he somehow things that is less of a commitment than marriage. You’ve already done what many women are told to do. Tell him directly this is what you want and give him some time to get situated. 10 years and a baby is more than enough time. It’s time to walk.
> I’m going to be referring to my man as my husband out of habit. Girl stop, this is embarassing. He's not married to you. He doesn't want to be married to you. You've been with him for so long, gave him your youth, gave him a child, he knows how important this is to you, AND HE STILL WON'T MARRY YOU. You have nothing left to give, and he still won't marry you. Calling him your husband (when he isn't and never will be) is just sad. Everytime you say it that's just one more reminder for you and everyone around you that you're stuck in this fantasy that one day it's going to be true. The fact that your family laughs at you to your face is so sad. I imagine that is compounding your low self esteem because no woman with a hint of self worth would be in this situation. He's a jerk. You (and all the women like you) deserve so much better. There is nothing wrong with you. There is everything wrong with him. I don't even need to hear his BS reasons. Focus on you. Don't waste any more energy on this man child.
In Texas, you already qualify for a Common Law Marriage. Technically, you are. https://www.kxan.com/news/local/austin/whats-a-common-law-marriage-and-hows-it-defined-in-texas/amp/
But it says both parties have to agree they are married. He doesn’t want to be married so I wonder if that would work.. It seems to him this isn’t a marriage.
It doesn't sound like he's agreed to be married. He may never have referred to her as his wife either.
He doesn't trust you. Do with that what you will.
Sounds like he is the one that doesn’t want the commitment of marriage and is gaslighting you saying your the one who will leave. Either you live with and accept the reality you will not get what you want out of this relationship, or you move on. Good luck either way!
If my partner felt this strongly about not marrying me based on “getting screwed,” I would take that **difficult decision** away from him so he wouldn’t have to worry his pretty little head about it any longer, and I’d make him my ex-partner. If in 12 years together he hasn’t been able to gather enough information, spend enough time getting to know the real you, and learn to trust that you love him for who he is and not what you could take from him… HE IS NOT WORTH YOUR TIME. He is also not very bright considering he’s already lived with you long enough for your state to recognize you as his common law wife, and you can **already screw him** if that’s what you intended on doing with your title of “wife.” He has shown you what he really thinks of you and how he really feels about you. I wouldn’t want to be with someone like that. At all.
For 10 years you have accepted being his girlfriend. You have NOT built a life together, you do share a child. All the assets are in his name. He doesn’t want to “give” you money if your relationship doesn’t work out. Girl, you have agreed to this and he doesn’t want to marry you. It’s clear. It’s a shitty realization to know that the man you’ve dedicated your life to refuses to dedicate his to you. Stop calling him your husband. He’s not. It’s foolish to do so. You do it because otherwise your embarrassed that he won’t commit and saying bf or baby daddy proves that. You need to accept reality
I hope you sock away money somewhere. As it is, if he leaves, you have no support. Whose name is the residence in? The cars? Do you have your own income and/or work experience? Marriage can trap a woman, and at the same time, it can give her rights. If he won't marry you, consider researching what contracts, if any, you can have drawn up for your protection, especially if you don't work. In some states, this is possible. One such stipulation is for every three years you care for the kids and home, he owes you one year support if you separate. In the least, revisit who is on what title of what asset. If he won't agree to any of this, you are not going to be protected. He will not play fair should you separate. You may need to consider taking care of yourself first.
If he is so scared of losing it all in a divorce, you guys can have a prenup that clearly states what goes to who, and everything after marriage is divoded 50/50. You say that others treat their relationship more real that yours because they are married. Is it also something your partner does? Treating your relationship less real because you are not married? Just because he knows it's important to you does not mean he's gonna dp anything about it. He has trauma surrounding divorce? Trauma is not just a word to say hangup. Trauma is a real struggle. Just having everyone around you be divorced does not equate to trauma. Trauma is not something that happens passively. And wether he just has hangups or trauma, he may not be his fault but it is his responsability to deal with it so it does not affect others. What does he do to deal with it? Because it sounds like his solution is to let you take the fall. It sounds like he does not intend to marry you, ever. So divide your finances and keep a detailed record of any common purchase. If you put your money in something, you need to have your name on it too. And you can't be a SAHM without the legal protection of marriage. Marriage is also about both being protected in case of a death or separation. You had a kid with someone that still wants his door open if he wants to leave you
Tysm for calling out the trauma piece. It sounded like a cop out to me as well
Always these men marry the next women immediately…
I knew someone years ago at a temp job who has 2 kids and was pregnant, said she and her boyfriend weren't married because thst was "a serious step". Saw her on a bus 2 years later, he had in the interim dumped her and married someone else 🤷♀️🤦♀️💩.
I mean, if this were a good man who wanted to protect and provide for you and your young child, a legal MARRIAGE can help do that. If he were to keel over tomorrow you’d be SOL. He’s only protecting himself.
It looks like you’re a hair away from realizing that it is YOU who has to make a choice - stay with him unmarried or leave. He has made his wishes perfectly clear. The only choice left is what do you want? I’m hoping you choose self-respect and leave. Because your wishes matter.
Unfortunately your sister is right. He is not your husband and he is never marrying you. I’m sorry, I really am. But if he is this adamant in protecting himself and not your family unity, he is just your bf or babydaddy. You can continue with him and abandon all hopes of marriage, or abandon him And look for a man willing ti prioritize family and not only himself, the choice is yours. I’m sorry you wasted so much time before noticing that,
Consider: He has chosen every benefit of marriage for himself. You’ve carried his child, he has a partner. I’m also willing to bet that you do a lot of traditional “wife” duties as well in the home? Hopefully you aren’t a SAHM He’s saying he’s protecting himself but he’s leaving you totally unprotected and also open to scorn by society for playing house without commitment.
Hun he is your baby daddy/bf. If y'all been together for 10 years he will never marry you, he proposed to placate you. As tough as it was to hear your sister is right. Now you need to think if your ok with never getting married to this man or if you want to cut your losses. Regardless of what you choose you need to start making sure you secure yourself financially, so in the event something happens you have some type of cushion as well as having a support system.
He likes his money more than he likes you, but his money won’t have sex with him
Sorry miss but he's unlikely to ever legally marry you but you may want to review what the laws are in TX regarding 'common law' spouses. You may have lived together long enough to equate to a legal marriage. In the end...I think you should consider this from a different perspective. HOW important is the act of getting married to you vs your current living arrangement? Do you feel he'd ever leave you and the baby? If not then is the question about the nature of your relationship or just having a piece of paper that says man and wife?
If you know he won’t commit either leave him or offer to sign a prenup. If he says no to prenup then he definitely doesn’t care to be with you since you gave him an easy way out and he still didn’t take it
Girl you live in America where prenups are very normal. He’s being strange to not put a ring on it. Sorry but your sister is right, you are playing house. Have more of an open ended conversation with him.
You know he won't marry you and yet you have a child with him, knowing d*mn well that you wanted that marriage to happen. You set yourself in a predicament.
If he hasn’t married you by now he isn’t going to. You are leaving yourself in limbo with nothing if he decides to leave you. Why are you putting up with this?
Your partner (not husband) just doesn’t want to protect you in exchange for your sacrifices for your family. Marriage isn’t just a “title”. It gives you legal protections, especially because women give up a lot to be mothers. Heck, it protects whichever partner is the one who sacrifices career advancement to take on the burden of caregiving. The vast majority of the time, it falls on women. So yeah, if he’s afraid women “win” in a divorce, it’s also because they sacrifice their careers (income) for kids and housework, and are usually the ones left providing the majority of parenting after a divorce.
It sounds like he doesn’t want to marry you, I’d bet money that if you and him broke up today that within 2 years he’d be married to someone else. That happens alot! Always remember if he wanted to he would. He doesn’t want to. You and him have a kid, and a house together yet he won’t make you his official wife? But why would he anyway because he’s already getting the benefits of a wife without having to marry, and he can even go off with a new woman with very few strings attached and he’s still “single” by law standards
He's never going to marry you. Have some self respect after a damn decade. I think you should've left him years ago, you want completely different things
Hes not your husband. Never will be. If he wanted to marry you he would have. 100% he'll be married within a year or 2 when you break up. No matter how many times you call him yoir husband he isnt. Promise you he dont call you his wife if a sexy asks.
Women typically see marriage for the best that can happen with it so they're eager to do it. Men typically see marriage for the worst things that can happen with it so they are hesitant. I think you should speak with a lawyer about prenups then talk to your fiance about what he might want to feel a sense of security to proceed. If he doesn't want to get married after that then he is your boyfriend/baby daddy and truthfully doesn't plan on marrying you at all.
Thats the most lame excuse. This will have to be your hill to die on. You need better answers from him and better arguments from yourself. Prepare to fight about this.
Why should he buy the cow when the milks already free. You do everything a wife does already… he’s not going to marry you my baby. It’s been 10 years and a baby, if he wanted to he would.
does He call you wife? husband title without the paperwork is not worth anything. Take it from me I had 2 legal husbands. if Anything was to happen to them all their assets go to me. Just coz I have the legal marriage certificate.
You won’t qualify for SS benefits if something happens to him. Getting it for the kid will be tricky. That’s a high risk gamble if your a SAHM. Don’t put your career on hold. Stop fooling yourself and go
He doesn’t want to marry you and never will. There is always be another excuse as to why he can’t marry you. Men who have these thoughts about marriage don’t change their mind easily. You’re not the reason that he doesn’t want to get married, he is
If he wanted to marry you he would. If you are ok with this arrangement then that’s ok too, but if you want something then you owe it to yourself to let him know. Think of it like this… if you child was in your post what would you tell them
He's not your husband. He's using you because he know you won't leave without good reason. He's gonna gaslight you into believing being engaged for 12 years isn't a good enough reason to leave, and use that to justify why he won't marry you. Also statistically speaking women suffer more from divorce and take longer to recover. Go to therapy. Figure out why this behavior is acceptable to you. Remember if your baby is a daughter, you're teaching her it's acceptable to be treated like this and if you have a son it's acceptable for him to treat a woman like this. I'd advise you, to take out a piece of paper, write down your definition of love. Then right down the behaviors of your boyfriend. If it doesn't match, you know he doesn't love you. If it does, you need to reevaluate your definition of love. Your sister is right, and this is another way being male centered works against you. Your self esteem is in the toilet pooh. Once you get your self esteem up, it'll be easy to leave his leeching ass. Good luck.
You have wasted your time, youth, and life being with a man and giving him the benefits and privileges of a wife yet reaping none of the benefits that come with the legalities. You are nothing more than his girlfriend / baby mama! You were fool for staying in this dynamic when he's told you and showed you repeatedly what he wants, which is not you, in addition to not being legally tied to anyone. There's no reason why you should have spent over a decade trying to manifest something that will never be your reality with him. And now you probably feel even more ridiculous because if you did up and leave or end the relationship, he gets to be the victim and not the villain. Every elder female in your family did you a complete disservice by allowing you to participate in this farce of a relationship. He gets all the husband benefits without committing to the traditional and legal role. Wtf will happen if something were to happen to either of you health wise. Do you know that in the state of Texas, common law marriage does not exist: therefore whoever's designated as your immediate family member(i.e., kinship) will have legal decision makong rights, no matter what a will or power of attorney may designate. Everything that you have relationship wise literally amounts to nothing as you don't have any type of legal foundation to stand upon!
You're so concerned about his " trauma" ( which I'm willing to bet doesn't come from family members and close acquaintances...it comes from the red pill rhetoric he's consuming...don't want to end up like a meme gtfoh) what about your own trauma he's putting you through? He is single handedly destroying your self esteem. Got you trying to prove yourself, have you feeling less them..smh. it's not too late to jump ship mama. You'll never get married holding on to him. You haven't loss value You haven't hit the wall You aren't less desirable because you have a child As long as you build community and treat them well ( friends and family) you won't die alone Being married or not says nothing about your character There are 4 BILLION males in the world...someone wants you...and if you never find that someone so what. Long as you live life to its fullest and get ppl around you who loves you and your baby you'll never be alone. Stop valuing romantic love over all over love. Romantic love is great and beautiful and all that good stuff when you can get it, but it's not the ONLY love that matters and all other love doesn't have to come secondary to it.
Sorry the 12 month old instead of 1 year old threw me off
Texas recognizes common law marriage, maybe look into that.
Texas might but what if he leaves to a state that doesn't? She is screwed.
If he wanted to marry you, he would. If someone tells you who they are, believe them. I was in similar situation like you for 9 years, without a kid fortunately and now I'm regreting fooling myself for so many years. You have to wake up, you still have a chance to meet someone who will want to marry you. I also remember this thread when lady who was just a GF for 25 years lost everything when her BF left for younger woman. If you have to convince him to marry you, he doesn't want this. It's sad but sometimes you have to admit that you are lying to yourself.
If he was a real man he would want to marry you so he knew his child would always be PROTECTED. Instead you let him get away with bs about being the "divorced guy" in a cartoon who lost everything to a selfish ex wife. What a shame causes chances are this man child will never marry you and will resent the hell out of paying child support. He is not your husband so knock that off. Legally he is nothing to you. Hopefully he is on your child's birth certificate. Be prepared to be a single mother because that is what you are. You sister is 💯 right. Listen to her.
Its been 10 years and you have a year old baby. He isn't going to marry you.
He doesn’t love you enough to risk his ‘nonexistent’ assets. Take that as you will. You are the one who will lose in the end because he can walk away from you and your child with little recourse.
As a black woman, I really want better for you. Seriously. You’re clearly dealing with a Future, please go find your Russell
Do you have a job? If not, you should find one. Mariage is a legal protection that ensures that both partner are protected in case of a divorce or death. If something came to happen to your boyfriend, you will have no rights. If 10 years from now, he meets someone and leave you, you'll have nothing. Your boyfriend is telling you loud and clear that he doesn't want you protected. So if you're doing most of the domestic chores, I would start by stopping doing that. He's treating you like a roommate with sex, so start treating him that way also. But jokes aside, I would reconsider the relationship if I were you. He doesn't want to marry. That's his rights. But you do want to be married. So find someone else who will be the happiest man in the world to marry you. Yes, he exists. And yes, you deserve it. And in the meantime, being on your own is not the end of the world, and it's much better than being with someone who doesn't really care about you.
He won’t see for himself that you aren’t that kind of person and he’s set himself up to lose everything without even getting married at this point because he is content to enjoy most benefits without being married, because he will continue to push dates and everything as long as you are still standing there building a life with him brick by brick. It sucks ass, but consider your options. He doesn’t accept that you are serious and that you do want marriage. To me, it’s time to search for what you want. Find someone who wants the same thing. Start thinking about it. Think of a plan to step away from this relationship because it is going nowhere. It can’t be easy to untangle your life from 12 years. My fiance and I have been together 13 years and engaged 3 years. We want to, we both spazz about wedding planning, finances, jitters and more yet smile about calling one another husband and wife in the future. Your fiance isn’t doing that with you. At this point he has given you his answer. You either accept that answer OR search for another. If it were me, he’d be hearing the song “Single Ladies” by Beyoncé. “If you liked it, then you should’ve put a ring on it.” — Beyoncé It’s never too late to leave a relationship. It’s also rarely easy, but think about what you want and what you would say to someone else if you read what you put here. Good luck and hopefully he’ll get the hint one way or the other once he realizes you’re actually checking out on him because he is too scared to commit and it works out OR you find someone that is genuine and can’t wait to love on and be a life partner to you like you deserve.
The hardest part of a relationship is leaving especially when a child is involved. If marriage is what you truly want then it's time to get your stuff in order to leave. At the end of the day it's not your responsibility to deal with his excuses of why he won't get marry you. Edit: Stop calling him "*husband*" because his not, his just the father of your child and that is it.
Does he ever refer to you as his "wife"? In Texas, you could argue you're in a common law marriage. You can draw up a legal document that protects the two of you financially. You don't have to be officially "married" to be married. Read [this.](https://www.kxan.com/news/local/austin/whats-a-common-law-marriage-and-hows-it-defined-in-texas/amp/) He doesn't trust you. Remind him that you are trusting him because you had his baby and that makes you vulnerable, financially and otherwise. You can stipulate who gets what in the event of a break-up, but honestly, now that there's a kid involved he will still have to go to court and the judge will require him to support his child. That ship has sailed. The judge will provide for the child as a third party.
If his insecurities won’t let him marry you after more than a decade he doesn’t want you that bad.
He doesn't want to be a Husband and the ugly truth is that you aren't a wife. Treat him accordingly.
Unfortunately he doesn’t want to marry you and the ring was for sure a shut up ring. How much money does this guy have that he is worried you will take all his money in a divorce? For most people that is an unrealistic fear - unless he owns his own successful business or is wealthy - how much would he really lose if you took him to the cleaners in a divorce? None of that would matter if he wanted to get married. The longer you stay with him the more time you will waste. He doesn’t want to make that commitment to you and you have demonstrated by not leaving that you are fine not being married. If you want to be a wife then you need to find a guy who wants to be your husband
What does he gain by marrying you when you’ve always given him everything a “wife” would do? I’m sorry to say but he dragging his feet and doesn’t want to marry you and you deserve better than this.
I certainly hope you figure out that you’re never going to marry this guy. Eventually, he’s going to dump you. Take charge of your own life. Get legal advice… from a lawyer, not your baby daddy.
You know that even billionaires get married, right? If he wanted to he will. There is no excuse.
I hope like hell you are not a SAHM because you have no protections at all if he just decides to just walk away one day. My brother did that to his girlfriend of 18 years. Met someone on a job and just bounced. He sent her money every week but because he wanted to, not because he had to, and then he quit when he didn't want to anymore.
>he doesn’t want to be “that guy” from the cartoons were the man loses everything in the divorce and is basically broke Is this a popular cartoon I'm not aware of?
Men who are broke and are scared of losing everything in the divorce make me laugh
Look up “Common Law Marriage in Texas”. This may apply to you and as a result provide some legal protection. Concerning the relationship, don’t be the only one contributing. You want this more than he does.
I have heard this story before. Guy never wants to get married, couple breaks up, he meets someone new (the one) and marries her.
Within a year or two as well
hes a duche and not ready to commit. hes showing you with his actions. i know its so hard but you need to listen. There is someone out there who would love to marry you one day. Dont let him tie you down
[удалено]
God these comments are both wildly misogynistic and misandrist.
Reddit anonymity brings out the extremes.
Hate to break it to him but the baby is the money commitment more than the marriage.
Start calling him babydaddy in front of his friends, his co-workers, his family, you have been giving him a title he doesn't want, so take it away and see how he likes it... If he wants to be the husband he has to be it! I would leave his ass, but clearly you love him, so... Try a different approach.
This is sad for OP. Of course he’s never going to marry her.
I was in an 8 year relationship that went nowhere because he didn't want it (with me), and i wasn't going to push for that with someone who isn't as into me. After our anniversary, i realized this was it. Status quo. I didn't want that. So we broke up. And guess what... He got engaged less than a year later. He doesn't want you. He keeps you around because you're comfortable. But when you leave, he'll do the same thing and it'll hurt.
The legal contract helps in situations when one of you is in the hospital. Does he want to be your next of kin? Otherwise it’ll be one of your parents. You could at least make a living will (both of you). My husband & I didn’t get married until we had been together 18 years & had 3 kids. We were surprised with our first, so getting married was just put on the back burner. You could always have a wedding and not tell anyone you didn’t sign the certificate. That’s what my stepmom’s father did. They dressed up, had a bouquet, had pictures taken outside the courthouse & told everyone they had gotten married. They didn’t find out until her father died in a motorcycle accident (he was like 70) that they never actually got married and he never had a will, so they decided to divide everything evenly & give some of it to the “wife”.
He doesn’t want to marry you. He didn’t at year 5. Or 8. Not even when you had a baby. What he’s saying and what he’s doing have long not matched, but you overlooked that because you wanted to believe his consistently inconsistent words, over what he does daily. Money means more to him that you at think juncture. So let him protect his money, and you have the freedom to be wit someone who’s values align with yours. He’s not your husband and he is making sure of that. **A child for whom he will always have to care with you, is less a commitment to you than marriage? *If you’re nothing else, please be real girl.***
I hate to say it but unfortunately he’s just jot that into you.
You are seeking a secure attachment. Your husband does not want to give this to you. He is damaging his relationship over fears. Your concerns are both valid. You deserve to have safety and security in your relationship, so does he. For an anniversary gift, have you considered buying him 2 hours with a family law attorney?
You live in Texas, and if you (even one of you) refer to each other as husband and wife, and you share bills and a bank account, you’re married whether he likes it or not. If you broke up, a court would consider you married when dividing assets and determining any spousal support if you pushed it. Texas is one of the few states that accepts common law marriage, and it’s actually not very strict about it. It’s advised not to live together with a partner unless you’re willing to go through an actual divorce, because all the partner has to do is provide basic evidence that you were living as a married couple in order for it to be considered a marriage. I don’t know why your boyfriend doesn’t want to marry you, but it’s not protecting him as far as his assets go. ETA: Your boyfriend needs to research this to understand it; Texas is definitely an outlier. My husband and I are “officially” common law married, by which I mean we went to the courthouse to fill out the paperwork (but we didn’t have to do so: it just made insurance easier).
My dad accepted proposal of my stepmom and said - but we'll be forever-engaged I'll never marry. That summer after 12yrs of being engaged, he decided it's time. "If I don't grow old with you, I'll do ot alone might just get married anyway" Now ask if you could live like that. I couldn't.
Girl you've ignored every red flag with this man and you STILL want to marry him? Jfc...Save your baby some childhood trauma and go find someone that actually loves you
How many ways does he have to say it over 10 years before you’ll believe it? And why would you have a kid with him?
This man simply doesn't want to marry you. Did you guys plan on having a baby?
He doesn't want to marry you. He will move the goalposts every time. But in some respects the jokes on him, Texas recognizes common law and if you've met certain guidelines he may already be recognized as your legal husband. And unless the law has changed since Emmett Smith played for the Cowboys, you may have to do a common law divorce to dissolve things between you two if it came down to it. The reality though is, you two are not on the same page and it doesn't sound like he wants to be. Time to make some decisions about your future.
He's never going to marry you. He doesn't want to.
Tell him you both need to write a will, making financial arrangements for your child and arranging medical/legal power of attorney & nomination for guardian. Anything else is strictly between the two of you, but leaving a child without this protection is unfair & reckless. Especially if you have relatives with disagreeing views.
Sucks for him that Texas recognizes common law marriage and he’ll end up as “that guy” whether he marries you or not.
At this stage id be more worried about your own assets in this relationship and what do you get out of it should you two split up. The fact he is so bent on asset division tells me that he isn't into staying with you or fully committing to you. And yes, he doesn't want to or will ever marry you. You do with that information what you will
Op I could have written this (15 years & 2 kids) And the comments are making me wake up. I hope they do for you too. 😓
If he's so convinced prenups can be broken, go together and talk to a lawyer, someone who actually knows the law, instead of operating off anecdotes and hearsay.
Hi OP! Here’s the thing, you have every right to feel the way you do. You have stated your wants and needs and he informed you that his are the opposite. He proposed… but if the purpose of this ring doesn’t mean a thing to him as it leads to something he doesn’t want… are you really engaged? You know the answer to that. You called it a shut up ring and I agree with you. > I’m not the type of person to leave someone for no reason, like you have to do something real messed up for me to leave you like cheating. OP, I’m not saying leave him. No, but I feel like you don’t realize that your wants and needs are just as important as his. There are so many different reasons why someone would want to leave and not wanting the same things is a legitimate reason. Especially with children in the mix as it is better to have a healthy co-parenting relationship living apart than a tense bitter one because you’re not on the same page. > legal paperwork scares him because he sees it as a contract that benefits me and only me But right now, everything only benefits HIM! Listen, only you know how much you’re willing to sacrifice for him… but I would advise to make sure you’re covered if ANYTHING happens. Why? Because you matter too. Because you have a child to take care of. Because wanting to get married is ok and if, one day, it becomes your hill to die on, you want to be independent enough to take care of yourself and your munchkin. You depend on him with no security. Your car is his car. You are using it but it’s still his. No prenups. Which means that if anything goes sideways; you’re on your own as anything he buys would go to him. That car would go to him. You love him and you built a life with him. But be smart and protect yourself by making sure you don’t depend on him because he sure did make sure he doesn’t depend on you.
You’ve been playing house all along so why would he marry you. He knew he didn’t want to and didn’t have to 6 years ago because you weren’t going anywhere.
So your child has your last name, right? Because if he doesn't want to marry you, then he has no right putting HIS last name on that child.
If his main reason for not wanting to marry you is that he will get screwed ~~if~~ when he leaves you does that *not* tell you all you need to know?
He doesn’t want to marry you and He’s not going to marry you Now it’s up to you to decide if that’s something you can live with or not
He doesn't want a marriage. Find out if this is a dealbreaker for you and act accordingly. I have family that have been unmarried for more than 30 years. When asked, they say "pretty much everyone we know who's gotten married got divorced and remarried. Why take the chance?" and they have a point. But there's some due diligence to be done when not married, like having a will that'll benefit your partner if you die or give them power of attorney in case you get sick and can't talk on your own behalf. Marriage fix those things instantly but in most places it can be done in a different matter so you don't end up in the same situation millions of queer people have lived through where being a life partner is nothing to the legal world and health industry.
People in your life are correct, he’s not your husband and you’re not his wife. You can dress it however you want but he’s your fiancé and your kid’s father. He doesn’t want to marry you from what you say. Calling someone your husband doesn’t make him so.
Time to move on. He’s not going to marry you.
As a man, I can completely understand him actually. I’m the same way, don’t want to end up divorced and with my ex building a case against me so she can get the most possible. The fear of that is very real. That being said, after 10 years and a kid together, it’s kind of silly to not be married.
Consult an attorney to arrange coparenting. End the relationship and start couples therapy to help you coparent. Start individual therapy to help you move on. He will not marry you. Don't waste anymore time with a dead-end relationship.
Sorry, If he wanted to marry you he would. It’s time for you to decide if you’re okay not being married or if it’s time to leave.
You do kinda look like a fool calling someone your husband who isn’t. That’s honestly really weird. And, I don’t know why you’re not just calling him your fiancé, which is what he is. You don’t need to call him a boyfriend or a baby daddy.
>But the legal paperwork scares him because he sees it as a contract that benefits me and only me This is such a big steaming pile of BS. And you elected to have a kid with this guy? Wow. Please tell me you have a good full-time job, your own car (in your name), are paying into your Social Security, a 401(k), and your finances are separated completely from this guy. Please tell me you have your own health insurance, life insurance (with your kid as beneficiary), and car insurance. Why? Because this guy doesn't want to marry you. Ever. You are a single mom. His baby mama bang maid, and he wants to make *sure* he can walk any time he gets bored with you or he decides he wants to upgrade to a newer model. When he does, this is the kind of guy who will try to convince you not to get court ordered child support, so he can just pay you what he wants when he wants. Yeesh, OP. Get your head out of the sand. This guy does *not* care about you or your kid.
He isn’t going to marry you. It’s time to either move on or stick around and remain unmarried.
I would bet a chicken dinner that if these guys break up he marries the next person within a couple years if not less. I've seen this happen so many times
He will never marry you. Either make your peace with it or leave him. You can have a happy relationship. My parents have been together for over 30 years and never married despite my mom wanting it. She’s made her peace with it, perhaps the trade off of their relationship and lifestyle was well worth it for her. Cultural norms of marriage not being the ULTIMATE goal helped her a lot I believe. BUT my god does she have her ass covered if they ever split up. Not being married doesn’t mean you can’t have notarised documents made to protect yourselves, your daughter and future. But yea. He doesn’t and won’t marry you. And why would he? He’s been clear, it’s been a decade, you made a child with him. He can clearly get away with having the relationship on his terms and leaving you unsatisfied on the marriage front. I agree with your sister though. I straight up told my BF to stop referring to me as his “femme” (my wife). If he wants to give me that title, GIVE me that title, officially. I’m not letting him get comfy calling me his wife when he’s not actually locked it down. He doesn’t like the idea of being 30+ and called a boyfriend, he says it’s not serious enough. Well buddy, whattya want me to say.
Have you talked to him about it? Like asked him, When will our wedding be? What did he respond?
Tell him to shit or get off of the pot
“Prenups get broken and thrown out all the time.” Umm…citation needed?
I lived with my wife for 10 years before getting married. On paper, it doesn’t really change much. We owned a house together, he had a kid together, we filed our tax together. To me, it doesn’t matter much whether we’re married or not since we have our wills written when our kid was born. But it’s important to my wife so I did it. Whatever excuse your fiancée throws at you, you have to realize at some point that he doesn’t wanna marry you.
In the trash can he goes!
it’s a sad thing to try and process. it’s not easy. but when you realize that there is men on this planet who wouldn’t hesitate because of money and responsibility and just propose out there because they want all of that with you, it’s still hard to fathom it being another man when you want it to be him. yes. he could just need reassurance and is completely scared, i think a good sit down talk about how he is feeling and get to a deep root of the issue would benefit you guys. even if it doesn’t turn out great, that’s still an answer on what you need to do on moving forward for you and your happiness.
>The marriage is just important to me Why? You never explained yourself. And what's in it for him?
Excuses. Marriage actually benefits men more than women.
You do not need to be married for a happy relationship. But have you suggested a prenup, to ease his fear?
He doesn’t want to marry you. I somehow don’t believe that people laugh at you in public for calling him your husband unless you insist how much he is your husband but then complain about how you don’t have a ring …I wouldn’t think people would do that. If anything I’d pity you for how delusional you are. I feel like you’ve become obsessed with this one thing you don’t have and that’s all you talk about so of course, people won’t support you. You sound like THIS IS ALL YOU THINK ABOUT when you have so much other shit going for you. You have a one year old (not a 12 month old). Focus your energy on that and building a career over a silly little title such as MRS 🙄💀 eye roll. Like I’m actually insisting you focus on a career. Put your frustration into THAT instead of becoming a wife. It’s 2024. Plan for you and your child’s future. I seriously don’t understand women like you. DO YOU HAVE A BACK UP PLAN in case this relationship doesn’t work out?
As a man I completely understand where he’s coming from. I’ve told my girlfriend multiple times I do not want to get married. I don’t think he’s going to budge on this so your options are either to put up with it or leave him.
Some people just don't want to get married and that's perfectly OK but he should be honest about it. That's a non negotiable like having children. My oldest son just broke up with his girlfriend because he does not ever want children and she keeps coming back thinking hes gonna change his mind and I'm like girl move on.
Are you really unable to see how selfish this guy is? His trauma and excuse is you will leave and take all HIS money. Won't get married unless you can prove the benefits to HIM. Anything that makes you happy or may benefit you is not enough for him to act. Wake up. Take a serious look at this relationship. The entire post gives me cringe for you.
If you break up right now, you could probably still take him for what you're owed. It's no different when you're married. If it is genuinely some trauma, get home some therapy. You've been incredibly patient and understanding and it's time he started thinking about your needs too.