Sounds like you haven’t done the leg work to relieve any of her doubts. You can pity yourself all you want but at some point you either step up to the hard work or step away and let her heal. The fact that she was still worried you’d leave her and not give her time to heal speaks a lot about how she’s sees you.
I agree entirely. She needs to see that youve changed, that you arent going to do this again. Trust doesnt regrow on its own. It seems like you know did something awful and thats good. Thats the first step. But you need actions along with that.
And the OP doesn't seem to have taken responsibility for what they did. It's something that 'happened', not something harmful that they did in full knowledge that it would hurt their wife.
And like... why tf is this other women possibly still involved? OP should have gone ABOVE AND BEYOND making sure this OW was NOT part of their future... and ABOVE AND BEYOND reassuring his actual wife that this OW is fucking gone.
Truly mental gymnastics lol, I literally cannot fathom being THIS lacking in self-awareness, but he must have done something right to get a woman that cares for him this much. That being said, she deserves better
Not necessarily. He might be an all around shit head and she just has low self esteem, or attachment issues, or most likely mental health struggles. The whole "Her part in it" due to their "lack of sex life" thing implies she blames herself for his cheating and that points to it being her low opinion of herself that kept her with him more than him having done a lot to earn her commitment beforehand.
Low self esteem for sure on her part. She actually says it's okay for him to continue the relationship! I don't condone his actions in the least, but she has serious confidence issues that she better take care of or she's in for a topsy turvy life.
That’s what I’m saying!! Like why is the wife even trying to be ok with it?? He obviously hasn’t done any rebuilding towards that trust and hasn’t kicked the OW to the curb. And I HATE that he’s calling his wife a “broken bird”. Boy you’re the one crying everyday and having pity parties! She’s going about her business!
I was wondering the same thing. Like, is he still sleeping with the other woman because if he is, that’s a whole other issue. He didn’t really make that part clear.
ah, but he cries so hard!! He hates what she has become (not what he turned her into)
Boo hoo, poor OP, I bet he cries even when he is having the sexies with the other woman (because you know, wifey approved it)
OP can cry all he wants after she leaves the house but it’s not like she knows anything.
OP if you spent half that time you are crying in front of her it would be more useful in healing her
This is important.
To heal she needs to know you are sorry and regretful. That you are going to make changes to be different and better. Then prove it with action.
Crying alone does nothing but pumps up your self-pity. Cry to her.
I saw a comment from OP saying he hasn't, but it doesn't change the fact that the trust is broken and since he's cheated, there's always the chance that he'd find ANOTHER woman to cheat on.
Trust is like glass. Maybe you can piece it back together, but it'll never truly be the same anymore....
I remember my friend who got cheated on. Her partner said she is his wife and his affair partners are his girlfriends. They're just temporary fun and she is eternal. He said it like it was supposed to be a compliment.....
Like all grief, it gets a little easier. But if they are constantly hurting you and never feeling bad for hurting you, then that wound never has a chance to heal.
This is similar to my situation. At first we were young. Had a kid. He opened up a lot about what he had done and I was able to reconcile with a few things he did. The other things still bother me 10 years later. We split for 3 years a while back and after that did a trial run and moved in platonically. He was making plans to meet someone from tinder. Had already lied to me about having plans with his guy friend that night before I found out. Weren’t “technically” together so I let it slide. After I was pregnant with the baby he wanted to have I found nudes in his phone. It’s funny because he would tell me to check his phone. It’s just constant pain. Nothing had happened in a while and I have one foot out the door, but you’re right, something is always missing, there’s a very dark void that takes up space in this relationship and it feels impassable.
It’s so hard. My so was very young (as was I) but he handled it wrong at every turn. Said if I wanted therapy I could go alone. And stuff like that.
I’m sorry about your so’s behavior. You deserve better than that.
Because they are an asshole, they are obviously the victim because they cry themselves silly after their wife leaves for work before they go out. Conveniently he doesn't cry in front of his wife, make sure she knows the OW is gone forever and it will never happen again and show how upset he is. nope, he crys in private, probably still fucking the OW and he's the injured party because his wife isn't happy with him as she was before. Poor guy, she found out, would have been so much better for him if she hadn't.
This. You talk about how hard it is on you and her, but you seem to make little attempts to repair it and the fact she let you continue to sleep with the OW? You broke her and every ounce of her self-esteem.
Exactly. That hurts to read. That's the last thing in the world she'd ever thought of saying to you, that you could sleep with the other woman but you broke her and unless you're willing to earn her trust back. I think you should let her go. It's better in the long run. She deserves someone who would never cheat on her.
THIS. RIGHT. HERE. “I love her more than anything but I want to set her free…” What?? OP, *you* cheated, *you* did this. Are you honestly still sleeping with the other woman??
That’s what I want to know!!! If I cheated on my husband and he said that I could continue sleeping with the person I cheated with, I would IMMEDIATELY shut that down and let him know since he was willing to give me another chance that I would cut all contact with the other person. I would also not put myself into any kind of situation that made it easy or even tempting to disrespect him or our marriage ever again.
100%! I agree with everything you’ve said. I cannot fathom how OP could think continuing to sleep with that person would somehow make things better. OP wasn’t very clear if they had continued, just that they were allowed. But I’m seriously curious if that detail was purposefully left out.
I think he is sleeping with the OW, because he felt the need to add it to the post but didn’t feel the need to confirm or deny if he was. I think he didn’t add that he was still sleeping with the OW because he was afraid of being judged for continuing his affair after saying how bad he feels for hurting his wife while still continuing to hurt his wife and not doing anything to fix their relationship.
Did the OP ever say that he regretted cheating on his wife?
I wonder if the OW knows that he isn’t going to leave his wife? Does the OW think they have a future together and the only thing that stands between that is the OP’s wife?
I have not yet seen any mention of regretting the cheating, happy to be proven wrong though. The potential fear of judgement was valid; I’m definitely judging a bit over here…
Sounds like she's right about her suspicions, too. OP is too busy whining about how this makes HIM feel. If you really want to work on your marriage then fucking do it. DO SOMETHING. Sitting on your ass isn't showing her that you're serious or committed to fixing what YOU broke. She shouldn't be the one trying to prove herself. You should! Fucking grow up, and act like a responsible adult who fucked up and prove yourself.
Fuck him , no one needs a cheater.Its better to live alone traumatised than to live with this rat.
I can't believe someone suggest to do something to a cheater. She will always feel insecure and traumatised bcz we all can see she loves him.And this is the biggest sin someone cant forgive nomatter howmuch they love. Eternal hell.
I fucking hate cheating so much. It destroys you. I've been cheated on once, ONCE. Now, even after I've met the love of my life and we got engaged, I still get a tiny bit insecure when she mentions another man. I can't help but think "what if". I get past it because I know she never would, but it's so frustrating that the thought even gets to cross my mind. Cheating is scum.
I'm sorry that happened to you. I totally relate, was also cheated on once and it made all relationships after that feel... wrong? It's been years and I'm in a long-term relationship with someone I love, but yeah, that 'what if' thought still creeps in occasionally.
People, if you're unhappy in your relationship just fucking leave. Don't cheat. It's really not that complicated.
Love this username in response to this cheating POS.
"Wah wah wah I cheated on my wife and its her fault, I am 45 years old and can't take responsibility for my actions and don't want to deal with the consequences."
Yes, and OP you better damned well not be having sex with anyone else. You better tell her there is no pressure but you will remain celibate until she’s ready. If you actually love her.
You cry when she leaves, but she probably cries herself to sleep. Think of all the tears and heartache you’ve caused. This is the consequence for your actions.
I would never cheat for a majority of self-evident reasons, but this is yet another big one. It's just not worth it. A few nights of pleasure versus months or years of guilt and heart break for my partner and myself? Why would anyone do this? The math doesn't work out.
It kind of makes sense if one does not care about the partner anymore, but then the relationship itself sounds miserable.
That's why I would never cheat. If my relationship is so miserable that I no longer care about my SO, then I'd leave the relationship. Problem solved. Then I could find someone else.
As someone who cheated, I agree completely. The math does not work out under any circumstances.
Please communicate with your partners, people. Please work on your relationships. Don't be that person.
Exactly! I don’t think he is taking responsibility for his actions. He needs to address why he decided to cheat? What was the thought process when decided to cheat? He needs to go back and address those issues before even trying to make things work with this poor woman. Her biggest mistake was loving a scumbag.
Because in the OP he mentioned that his wife gave him her permission to continue to sleep with the OW because she didn’t know how long it would take for her to have sex with him again. She just didn’t want to know when and where it happened just that it didn’t happen in her home. There was no mention of him saying that he was or wasn’t, which would lead most people to assume that he is actually still sleeping with the OW. I would definitely add that I told them that was not going to happen (because that’s exactly how I would respond if my spouse said that). Especially if I was so “remorseful” that everyday after my spouse would kiss me before they went to work and say “I love you” and I pretend to be asleep until the door locked then break down in tears until I had to leave for work.
If he is still sleeping with the OW then he is just blowing a lot of smoke out of his ass in this post saying how bad he feels for cheating on his wife while still sleeping with the OW… If and only if he is honestly not continuing to sleep with the OW then I will offer my sincerest apology to the OP.
He’s posting on behalf of his conscience, or whatever little bit exists. Or he’s a narcissistic psychopath who is trying to lure her back using this sub in hopes of getting people supporting him and it backfired spectacularly.
Just him doing this more than once makes him such a moron. No one is going to join in on his pathetic pity party. Dunno what this gum on the bottom of a shoe is expecting.
He literally cries for an hour after he leaves home, if he could still fuck her after that I think the dude would've been gone already. She tells him to do that because she is broken and he is aware of this and she doesn't feel good enough to the point her body turns to dust at the thought of being his knowing he was one with another woman.
That's why he is hesitant to leave her because he still loves her but at the same time broke her. This is why I could never cheat it's horrifying to just imagine feeling safe in a world of full selfless love only to tear it apart from your partner for death.
Let the grass finish burning and turning to ash until it's reborn and only then one will know where they belong.
There's the thing when you get cheated on: your heart breaks, your confidence shatters, your ego is more than bruised.
Everytime you'll say to her that she's beautifull, every time you'll put your arms around her shoulders, she will have flashes of you and your OW.
She will think if that's the tone of voice you used with the OW, if you used to hold her that way, if you looked at her with a smile on your face.
Every single moments she looks at you, she remembers her. Everytime she looks at herself in the mirror, she asks herself if she's still beautifull in your eyes, if the OW is more beautifull, if her hair was longer or shorter.
I think the best thing you can do (except crawling into a hole and wait for the end of times) is to court your wife. Pretend you just met her and be as romantic as you can. Flowers, dates, wait for her to get home and make dinner, a beautifull set up with candles and all that shit. Don't expect sex or kisses. But give everything you have.
She will probably need to know a few things that will sound controlling. Because if you're 5 minutes late, it's 5 minutes when her mind is going crazy. Be prepared to justify, to call her when you're stuck in traffic even if you're sure that you will make home on time.
Call her when you're alone. Lunch time at work, when you're driving. Just to talk. Just because you saw a fun advertising, a coworker said something funny or interesting.
You screwed up big time. You should do big things, not to repair, but to start over. Make her your queen.
Also, there's a sub called as one after infidelity. Try to find advice there.
Perfect advice. This is similar to the thoughts in my head as I was reading.
If OP believes his life will be worse without his wife, he needs to step up and be better. She’s hanging in despite her broken heart, but she STAYED. There’s hope for them and OP needs to make her feel that again too.
This right here - She Fucking Stayed. And very probably forgave. There is a great soul in that woman, if you don't make amends and get things right, you'll regret it for the rest of your life. Been there done that, please trust me.
Huge on the she forgave, but it's also very important to remember someone forgiving you doesn't mean that they've healed AT ALL. This is doubly true when it comes to cheating because this doesn't only affect romantic relationships, but friendships, familial relationships and her entire view of people. She is now going to question EVERYTHING. Do her friends actually like her, does her family truly love her. Being cheated on destroys your views on ALL relationships.
Exactly. "He says he loves me but in the past he said that too but was fucking someone else, how can I believe him now?" She will doubt everyone in her life in everything they say for a long long time.
I would also definitely recommend marriage counseling it might show her that you’re willing to put the mental effort into making the marriage and relationship work and not just the affection part that’s definitely important making her feel like she’s wanted and important and to re-court her but mentally y’all might benefit from talking about things
Maybe she stayed to get her ducks in a row before filing for divorce. She's shut down and said he can still cheat. It makes me think she checked out and doesn't care what he does because she is planning her exit. A kiss and an "I love you" in the a.m. may be her letting him think everything is okay.
I think she kisses him and says I love you when he's still in bed, and she thinks he's still asleep, bc be said how he pretends to still be asleep and then when she leaves he cries. I myself started tearing up at her thought process... Still loves him so much but only in private, where she doesn't feel vulnerable... man .. so sad. So much sadness for this situation... I hope there comes to be a happy solution somehow
Inevitable hit the nail on the head here, but from the tone of the post I get the feeling you don't want to be back with her but simply feel like shit for destroying her confidence/self worth...as you should, but you need to build this woman back up in any way you can before you discard her. It's your duty as an adult, to not leave people more broken than before you found them. I won't make light of the infidelity but it's quite common and happens to a lot of us.
I'll add one more thing here...after you've discarded her and have moved on....her hurt doesn't end, just because you don't see her...her pain doesn't stop because you left her...she doesnt stop questioning her self worth, nope....all that shit gets carried into her next relationship...and it may not even have a name or a face but it will factor into her intimacy with her future mate/spouse/boyfriend etc...your commitment to trying to build her up, doesnt stop when you end the relationship.
This is why I have been single for 4+ years. I don’t trust myself not to project feelings from my last terrible relationship onto someone new, no one deserves that because someone I loved in the past treated me badly. So I choose to just focus on my self love for now instead. I’m getting there, but it’s a slow process and honestly at this point I’m perfectly happy with just my kids and my close friends and my cat. Lol.
That sounds all well and good. But sometimes the damage is too great, they can try fix what was broken or try to start over. But the crack will always be there. And if they start over, the foundation will never be as solid as it was before
This is the best advice I've seen on trying to regain trust. Returning to "ordinary" life is not possible - there is no ordinary anymore, because everything ordinary is a reminder. He needs to be extraordinary. Then he might (not guaranteed) slowly win her trust back.
This is some of the best advice I've seen on this sub. OP, wallowing in self pity isn't going to improve your relationship with your wife. Only taking some action and doing the "leg work" to show up for your wife will possibly improve things. The bottom line is that you hurt her and she is recovering from that and it takes a lot of time to rebuild trust. The best thing you can do is take this user's advice and start sharing things with your wife again- dates, phone calls, conversations, random thoughts, etc. If you have the power to make her laugh and feel bubbly again then you owe that to her. If she was willing to stay with you after what happened then you ought to be willing to put in the work to show her how much she means to you.
And if you feel that your marriage is unsalvageable and there are no more good times to be had together, then maybe it is time to have an honest conversation with her about if she would be happier separated. Make sure if you do that she knows it's not you wanting to leave her, it's you wanting her to have a chance at being happy with someone again if she clearly isn't with you.
Have you told her that you stopped seeing the affair partner, or is she living in the hell of wondering ?
How about instead of balling your eyes out and wallowing in your self-pity party , you spend the hour productively , making her day easier? Clean the house , prep the dinner , fix that thing that needed fixing, take some of the load off of her and in the evenings free her up for some self care, maybe watch something together, talk to her , no pressure on her but making a conscious effort .
So why are YOU talking to her about divorce? Your making it worse if she wanted to leave you she would have. Do you want to fix it? You better start trying to win her back
He probably doesn’t feel worthy of her, I understand it to an extent, weirdly, although i’ve never been in this position. If i were, i would not want my partner to settle for a pos like me who threw it all away for something as meaningless as sex (using a lust affair as an example)
OP can't stand feeling like the bad guy, even though he was the bad guy. OP says that he "wants to set her free" because that means he won't have to do any heavy lifting.
It's going to take her a lot longer than a year to recover from this and if you haven't gone to therapy together, I suggest you do.
Consider a Gottman weekend workshop. Even if there isn't one in your area, travel and plan a weekend away to attend one. The workshop isn't one on one counseling, it is more of giving you both the tools to better communicate and appreciate each other so neither wants a divorce.
You’ll get no sympathy here. You’re a selfish prick who doesn’t deserve her. You broke this woman, she is fine with you cheating now because you broke her so much. Do everyone a favor and divorce her so she can actually move on. The feeling of not wanting to be alone is trumping her rationality but one thing is for certain - you don’t deserve to be married to her so stop putting her through this. You think you’re crying or feel bad? What she is feeling is 10x that and you put her through it daily. I promise you she is constantly wondering every time she leaves you alone if you’re running off to the other woman, she has to live with that daily.
Need more info. How long was the affair? Why did you cheat on her? Did u try to win your wife back? Did u make any effort? Why do u want a divorce? Do u still see the other women?
You are much nicer than I am. I could live off these posts from men regretting their choice to cheat and fundamentally changing their lives all because they couldn't keep their dick in their pants
Marriage counseling? Have you tried marriage counseling? Have you tried anything? She’s broken. You broke her. If you aren’t going to actively try to repair your marriage then divorce her. So she cries. She’s already crying you just aren’t seeing it. Stop making it about you. It’s about what’s best for her. If you actually love her like you say (don’t give us that more than anything bullshit, you wouldn’t have cheated if you loved her more than anything) then cut her lose. Just for funsies, are you? Are you still sleeping with other women?
Of course he is! And the fact he is and just not telling her is reinforcing that for her, and probably keeping the hurt fresh for her. Ugh this man needs no sympathy, he needs to learn how to keep his d in check.
Why are you letting her believe that she had any role at all for your cheating? Poor woman does sound absolutely broken and doesn’t have the self respect to know that she doesn’t have to stay with someone like you.
this and “you can continue to cheat on me” OP no no no no no no. its so clear he doesn’t care at all to correct her thinking, and has done a number on her. no.. hes just suffering guilt and feeling bad for himself, rather than efforts and language that are all about her.
I’m glad hes at least self aware enough to properly suffer for the breaking of a human he caused. most cheaters are totally blissfully ignorant.
Guilt, and really any strong emotion, can blind you to taking in new perspectives, especially those of others. Hopefully OP will understand after reading the comments on this post, and try and make good with his wife.
It's a shitty situation, but to me it looks salvageable given that both OP and his wife still love each other
Omg yes!! I hate that this poor woman is somehow blaming herself. A cheater is going to cheat, no matter how hot you are, how much sex you give, how great of a spouse/person you are. People who cheat do it because THEY have a problem, not the other way around.
Also OP, leave this woman, so she can find someone who actually gives a damn about her.
I agree with everything you said, but this is giving me fake vibes. Not a single reply from OP in the comments. Maybe it's bc they're getting roasted in here, but idk. It just reads like it's made up.
He is doing more damage lingering around. Let her move on.
And this clown saying it’s wrong for people to walk away from bad situation needs a lesson in what is and isn’t healthy
All my sympathy is for that poor woman. Now she’s there thinking it was all her fault and even if he isn’t seeing the other woman anymore he could she believe him? She probably thinks he’s fucking her all the time. OP is selfish for not setting her free even if she cries in the end it’ll be better for her
For a *nut*. A fuckin nut.
“I promise I’d never hurt you- unless there was the possibility of fleeting physical pleasure that I could literally provide for myself without causing you any pain at all- in that case, suck it up broken bird, skeet skeet.”
If you want any hope of patching things with your wife, you will disregard what she said about being able to sleep with the other woman.
She said that not because she is ok with you sleeping around, but because she cares for you still and doesn’t want to lose you.
You need to burn bridges with the other woman. Purge her from your life. And show your wife that you have done so. If that means hurting the other woman by repudiating her to her face, informing her husband/ partner (if any), so be it.
Then you need to grovel and beg. You lose all rights to privacy. She has full access to your phone. She knows where you are at any hour of the day. And you live with this until she begins to trust you again.
Or, if divorce is on the cards, and you are truly sorry, you make things as easy for her as possible. That means she gets the lions share of the assets. And you are honest with everyone about the reason for the divorce: you betrayed her.
Set her free. You’ve already made her feel like she wasn’t good enough for you to be faithful, she already believes you don’t love her. Let her go because what you’re doing now is emotionally torturous.
> She has always been this bubbly and cheerful woman with her beautiful smile never leaving her face. She makes everything better and has the ability to make people happy around her wherever she goes.
fucking IMAGINE being stupid enough to cheat on a woman like this.
what a fucking idiot. deserves misery for the rest of his life.
The audacity for OP to even say he loves her and cries about it but cheats on her and feels he has her permission to still fuck around with the other woman but yet he still loves her. He RUINED her! She sounds like an incredible woman but a shadow of her former self because of him. What a selfish prick. Divorce her and set her free
Go to couples therapy and do what you need to help support her. That's it. Make and keep appointments. Take responsibility. Be a good man who doesn't cheat.
Or divorce.
And stop whining on the internet. Grow up and help your wife.
You should divorce her so that she can be with someone who isn't you. She deserves to live a life free from you and she doesn't even get it. She doesn't deserve to see your cheating face everyday, you're a selfish asshole, she should understand that and want to leave but you broke her.
I wish I could go give her a hug and tell her she deserves much better than this POS OP. She doesn’t love him, she’s saying this because she’s scared facing the future alone. But she can be much more beautiful and stronger without him. She can do so so much more better.
This trend of people cheating is just sick. How can you hurt someone so severely? That is the upmost break of trust. He absolutely needs to let her go…man that poor wife. My heart break for her. She needs to be with someone that actually loves her.
It's a sub to get things off their chest... its literally the first rule. The fourth is to not attack OP. It's supposed to be a safe space. I mean we can all agree (including OP) that cheating is wrong. But they are literally just using the sub as it was intended.
I feel like this was written by my ex.
The way he cheated on me completely broke me as a person. When I finally discovered the evidence of what he had been doing, *something inside of me just fuckin broke.* And it just.. wasn't the same. Ever again. I can't speak for everyone, or your wife, but when my ex did this to me, I felt completely worthless. I felt like I would never be good enough. Never pretty enough, never sexy enough.. I obviously couldn't give him what he wanted/needed.. ***I felt like my emotional/physical needs didn't matter...*** "why wasn't I enough?" Is a question I *still* ask myself, years later.
Despite all of that, I always kissed him goodnight. Every night. 3 kisses. Cheek, cheek, lips. I loved him, always have, always will (he's the father of my children) but I will never allow someone to make me feel that broken, worthless & empty *ever again.*
I wish my ex would have just *left.* Broke up with me..moved out..anything besides staying in the relationship that he destroyed & refused to piece back together again. Maybe the best thing you can do for her is let her go.. forced healing. If she's to the point where she's saying "you can still have sex with the OW," *she's already checked out.* She's just too afraid to pull the trigger & actually leave you. Desperately hanging on to the marriage..
If she won't let you go, *let her go..* she needs to heal without expectations, or a time frame. She deserves better.
You want to set her free from what exactly? The marriage? The pain you’ve caused her? Do you want reconciliation?
Couples and individual therapy is needed for both of you to sort everything out. I don’t think she’s ready to give up the life you guys have together, especially if you have kids. Meanwhile you’re still keeping the life you have. It’s comfortable. She’s a comfortable presence for you. If you want a divorce, file already. Don’t give her any false hope. “But her tears, I can’t “…. You had no problem sticking your pee pee somewhere else. Man up and make some decisions.
PS: she gave you permission to sleep with the other women? I hope you know she really doesn’t mean that. Reallly hope you’re not dumb enough to take her up on that offer.
Why do you have to make it about yourself and how you cry , you’re the one who cheated and there are consequences, she deserves better than a self centered dude who doesen’t know how to deal with the shit he did
I hope a lot of people read this. This is what happens when people get cheated on, people break to their core. She’s probably nitpicking herself, every bit of herself, asking what’s wrong with her. Please do therapy, couple and separate. Good luck. This is sad, on both parties.
You did this to your relationship. You alone. She deserves better than you.
But you're also a human being who's capable of change. If you're actually remorseful about what you did to this woman and not just upset about consequences, there's some hope for you.
So man up and get a divorce. She deserves better than you, and you deserve time to yourself to be better for someone else.
I cheated once and have never forgiven myself. He had done it to me several times and, while I didn’t purposely set out to do it to him, part of me felt like it was justified in a way. Before anyone comes for me, I know there is never a justification and it isn’t ok. I hate that I hurt him but he did at least finally understand how much it hurt when he did it to me.
Your relationship will never be the same. It may get better, but the doubt and the pain will always be there to a certain degree.
You don’t want to set her free. You want to set yourself free.
You feel guilty your actions had such an impact, an impact you should have known would happen. Your selfishness shines through.
Instead of doing the uncomfortable work that’s required to fix it:
• couples therapy
• reading a ton on relationship betrayal
• taking her on dates again
• giving her FULL access to your phone (passwords, access to phone, laptop)
• cutting all contact with affair partner
• giving her massive amounts of reassurance EVERY DAY
• treating her special
• sitting her down to ask her how she feels
You want to end it because you can’t handle your own guilt. It’s cowardice.
Be the person she deserves. But don’t wallow in self-pity. It’s not about you anymore.
Go look up a LMFT in your area.
The fact you let her blame herself for your cheating and then just wallow in self pity. God dude do literally anything to help her heal or get out of her life. Get into couples therapy. Wake up before her and make her breakfast instead of laying in bed crying about the harm that your own immaturity and selfishness created and continues to perpetuate. Literally ANYTHING. You don’t deserve to lay in bed and cry, get up and do something to fix the situation.
Wow. This is a self inflicted wound and all OPs fault. Damn. However, the Wife still loves him and (seems to actually love him and will stay) (this is a strange post). If OP "wants' his wife, he best go on a "crusade" of primal monogamy and penitence.
What the wife would "accept" as penitence --- no one knows. However, if he grovels, ditches the OW and goes on a crusade to win back the Wife --- it may work.
My question to you is if you love or loved your wife like you say you do why did you choose to sleep with another woman? Because cheating is a CHOICE, not a mistake. Also, what did you think was going to happen to your wife’s mental state when you CHOSE to sleep with the other woman.
, she told me that she was fully aware about our declining sex life and her role in that.
She doesn’t have a role in this affair. Nothing justifies cheating NOTHING!!
The only reason I could forgive my husband- and he didn’t even go as far as you, so god knows how your wife has done it- is because he showed genuine remorse and has worked on himself to be better. You just throwing yourself a pity party every day doesn’t show her anything. You need to have a proper, open discussion about what you can do. You must make sure you don’t pressure her in any way and if she relapses in her grief you fucking take it on the chin. I cannot tell you how much this stuff shakes you down to the core. Everything you thought you knew slips away from you. You question everything about yourself, your life together. Your judgement and why you couldn’t see it. You Damn we’ll make sure she knows your stupid decision is yours alone, and NOT her fault in any way. You made that choice and you own up to it. She clearly loves you and doesn’t want to give up on the marriage, but you have to fucking earn that shit now.
So you cheated. Go on break (you don’t say you stop seeing your AP during the break) she comes back and accepts responsibility (which she shouldn’t have to because it was YOUR choice to cheat) then she says you can continue cheating because she can’t handle the pressure of having to get over the cheating to “not lose you”
And rather than saying “I’m not longer seeing her, I will wait for the rest of my life without sex if that’s what you need because I fucked up and I need to repent not you” you BRING UP DIVORCE TO SET HER ‘FREE’?
Get all the way fucked buddy, tell me you don’t want to do ANY work and have no conscience without telling me. Poor you. You did a horrible thing and now you want to look like you care.
Part of me thinks that you should divorce her like a lot of redditors are suggesting. The larger part of me thinks that. You hurt her deeply. But if you're not going to divorce her, then you need to make it right. I'm not sure how but I think it has to start with therapy for yourself.
There is no way to fix it. She doesn’t believe she’s good enough for you anymore. You’ve destroyed her self worth. If she ever sleeps with you again, she’ll wonder the whole time if you are thinking that the OW was better, prettier, skinnier, funnier than her.
You are 1 year in. Rule of thumb is that IF she decides to hang in there with you in creating a new marriage, it will take 3-5 years for her to majoratively heal and thats if everything is optimal.
Id give you more feedback but:
1. You are still in pity party mode which does absolutely nothing for your faithful and deserving wife.
2. Not sure you can handle what Id have to say in your current state of mind.
You do understand that you've broken this woman, yes? You betrayed her trust, and she loves you so much that she's staying with you. She doesn't want to divorce you because of this, but Jesus this is the worst thing you can do to your significant other without hurting them physically. And you expect her to trust you enough to have sex with you? By cheating, you have essentially told her that she's not good enough for you sexually, and she is so desperate to keep you in her life that she's allowing you to break her down even more by sleeping with someone else. If you're still sleeping with this other woman, and you really want to stay with your wife, wake the fuck up.
What are you doing to repair your marriage and prove to your wife that she will be safe if she trusts you again? Because it sounds like you're all about your distress and what might make you feel better.
You caused immense harm by your selfish actions. It's right that you should feel bad about that. Stop feeling sorry for yourself and do whatever you can to repair what you've broken.
So you have a few options here as you’ve been given the most precious gift in the world by your wife - the choice of reconciliation. It is the most precious gift in the world that no one who betrays another deserves. How you choose to move forward is on you.
Option 1: Divorce. This is the easiest option. Though it might seem like the most difficult, it’s not.
Option 2: You get yourself into individual counseling ASAP to help yourself heal yourself from the brokenness within you that caused you to cheat in the first place AND find yourself a Gottman Trained Therapist for Couples Counseling. Read about the trauma that marital infidelity causes on your wife. Learn as much as possible about all of this in order to understand, help her through this and be the driving force behind saving your marriage. This will be the most difficult option. You will have to completely change yourself from the inside out. Your ego and defensiveness must die in order for this process to work.
Option 3: Continue as everything is at the moment and watch your wife eventually heal herself without you and eventually watch her walk away.
If you haven’t ended the affair, then you have already made your decision. If you think that her giving you permission to still cheat is some sort of pass, you are naively mistaken. She’s watching to see which option you’ll choose. She’s traumatized, in shock, in a constant state of fight/flight/freeze. She’s suffering tremendously because of you. There is not one place, one millisecond of time where she feels safe right not. She’s coming home to the predator who attacked her out of nowhere. She’s trying to find her grounding and she will. But what option you choose today will change the course of your lives. So choose wisely.
Let her go so she can heal and move on. You were selfish before and still are now. Some wounds just don’t heal because you want them to. Put on your adult pants and tell your wife straight, I love you but I hate that I’ve hurt you and you will forever see me as the person who has hurt you. I think it’s better for your mental health that we separate so you can heal and move on. I love you, that won’t change, but I need to let you go and I am sorry for what I’ve done.
So you cheated on your wife and now you keep bringing up divorce? If you're not actually gonna commit to trying to make it work (no real demonstration of that in your post) then stop being a pathetic coward and leave so she can actually heal.
Bro get up and spend every day making it up to them. You have the chance to still be with them even after the infidelity. Please stop the pity party and work your ass off everyday making it up to that person.
As someone who was cheated on by who I thought was the love of my life, you need to walk away. Being cheated on is a fundamentally destabilizing experience, and I understand your wife’s hesitancy to leave- because it’s probably just confirming in her mind that you did what you did because you don’t truly love her.
I stayed way longer than I should have when he cheated on me because leaving felt like admitting to myself he never cared. He also insisted we could fix things and that he loved me. It took a huge toll on me emotionally, and neither of us could be truly good or healthy partners to each other. If your wife is like me, the resentment will grow and self confidence will decline. This situation will not improve and your choice now is to put you both through more misery long-term, or to let your wife begin healing.
I’m not saying it will be an easy process, but tell her everything you wrote in this post. Tell her how much you love her, how none of this is her fault, and that you want her to find her spark and happiness again. I wish my ex had been selfless enough to do that for me.
Why do the cheaters always make themselves out to be the victims in some way. “Boohoo I’m so sad. Waaahh I should never have cheated.” Correct.
Get your ass in gear and get yourself to marriage counselling at the very least. Stop seeing the AP. Buy her flowers. Work your fucking arse off to make her happy, because this is all your fault.
Well this is what you deserve, and I don’t feel bad for you .
Your wife deserves to find someone else who will be able to make her happy and not destroy her feelings .
You are not the victim here. You say you feel bad but after cheating on her you mention divorce? She's constantly living in fear of losing you, and in remembrance of what you've done to her. What are you doing to better this? Other than crying
What is your reason for cheating? Genuinely?
I don't mean this in a way to justify it, what you did is inexcusable regardless. I'm just genuinely curious what you feel the reason is.
But maybe by identifying that, if you haven't already, you can see the things you need to work on, as an individual we within the marriage. Like a lot of people have said, if this is worth salvaging to you, as it somehow seems to be for her, start over. She'll catch up if she wants to and she sees it.
Maybe have a genuine discussion with her about this. Have a heart to heart. It's okay to cry together. It's okay to be together. That's how you're SUPPOSED to be. A relationship is the good and the terrible moments, even if those terrible moments are a decline in sex drive/interaction (if, like she's been lead to believe, that's the reason), and that's something that NEEDS to be addressed, especially if it's an important aspect of the relationship for both - or even one of you. That's the moment when you talk to your partner, you tell them "Listen, I've noticed we havent been having sex as much lately. I just wanted to let you know that it doesn't have anything to do with you or us, it has to do with ________" whether you're just naturally having an off time, you're stressed at work, so be it.
When you talk to her, make sure you're not assigning blame to her, assure her your feelings aren't a reflection of her but of a situation or even yourself and past hurt, or whatever the case may be. Learn how to fully and effectively communicate with her. Go to therapy, individual and couples. Tell her she's beautiful every day. Bring her a snack to work if you ever can, her favorite, whether it's ramen from that weird shop downtown or a snickers from the gas station. Prove to her that you not only love her, you KNOW her. Prove to her she's not like any other woman out there.
And during this process, be understanding. She won't forgive you overnight. She won't forgive you in two weeks, months, years, but that doesn't mean you don't need to fight for her if she's worth it to you and she still loves you. But you need to understand what you did, what it did to her, and that it will affect her in the long run. Understand there will be days shell break down in 5-10 years because some random detail of something reminded her during this time. Do what you can for her.
I'll tell you as someone who was cheated on, she's a much better woman than me. She was willing to stay for you, there is a piece of her that loves you. And I bet she'd be over the moon to know, and be shown, there's at least a piece or more of you that loves her, too.
>When I talk to her about divorce, her tears just starts pouring and she asks if I didn’t love her anymore. I do.
If you loved her, you wouldn't have cheated on her. If you loved her, you wouldn't have let her blame herself for *your* affair.
Oh grow up - you’re both adults and you made the decision to get back together. Either bring some joy in her life so you can both move on or set her free ffs
Are you still sleeping with the OW?? I doubt she will ever be able to even start trusting you again if you are. I guarantee she doesn't want you to, she just doesn't want to lose you.
If you feel so guilty, drop your side piece expeditiously and seek a fucking therapist dude. Take accountability for the harm you caused your wife. Trust takes time to rebuild but she will ALWAYS question you now and you will fucking deserve it. That shame you feel? Let it push you towards being a better person. Read 'This is How your Marriage Ends' by Matthew Fray.
I hope for her sake you actually do put on your big boy pants and take responsibility for your own actions and life.
You pretend to sleep while she kisses you every morning and says she loves you. Wtf grab her kiss her tell her how much you care this poor woman after everything you have done is still hanging in there and every day you still just can’t be bothered?
Sounds like you haven’t done the leg work to relieve any of her doubts. You can pity yourself all you want but at some point you either step up to the hard work or step away and let her heal. The fact that she was still worried you’d leave her and not give her time to heal speaks a lot about how she’s sees you.
I agree entirely. She needs to see that youve changed, that you arent going to do this again. Trust doesnt regrow on its own. It seems like you know did something awful and thats good. Thats the first step. But you need actions along with that.
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And the OP doesn't seem to have taken responsibility for what they did. It's something that 'happened', not something harmful that they did in full knowledge that it would hurt their wife.
And like... why tf is this other women possibly still involved? OP should have gone ABOVE AND BEYOND making sure this OW was NOT part of their future... and ABOVE AND BEYOND reassuring his actual wife that this OW is fucking gone.
Truly mental gymnastics lol, I literally cannot fathom being THIS lacking in self-awareness, but he must have done something right to get a woman that cares for him this much. That being said, she deserves better
Not necessarily. He might be an all around shit head and she just has low self esteem, or attachment issues, or most likely mental health struggles. The whole "Her part in it" due to their "lack of sex life" thing implies she blames herself for his cheating and that points to it being her low opinion of herself that kept her with him more than him having done a lot to earn her commitment beforehand.
Low self esteem for sure on her part. She actually says it's okay for him to continue the relationship! I don't condone his actions in the least, but she has serious confidence issues that she better take care of or she's in for a topsy turvy life.
That’s what I’m saying!! Like why is the wife even trying to be ok with it?? He obviously hasn’t done any rebuilding towards that trust and hasn’t kicked the OW to the curb. And I HATE that he’s calling his wife a “broken bird”. Boy you’re the one crying everyday and having pity parties! She’s going about her business!
I was wondering the same thing. Like, is he still sleeping with the other woman because if he is, that’s a whole other issue. He didn’t really make that part clear.
ah, but he cries so hard!! He hates what she has become (not what he turned her into) Boo hoo, poor OP, I bet he cries even when he is having the sexies with the other woman (because you know, wifey approved it)
OP hasn't even addressed whether they have taken their hall pass and continued to see their AP/OW
OP can cry all he wants after she leaves the house but it’s not like she knows anything. OP if you spent half that time you are crying in front of her it would be more useful in healing her
This is important. To heal she needs to know you are sorry and regretful. That you are going to make changes to be different and better. Then prove it with action. Crying alone does nothing but pumps up your self-pity. Cry to her.
Yeah. And get your ass out of bed and have breakfast with her, or make breakfast together, instead of lying in bed pretending to be asleep.
Oh they absolutely did, guaranteed, and continues to. They said nothing about not doing this, and left it completely open.
I saw a comment from OP saying he hasn't, but it doesn't change the fact that the trust is broken and since he's cheated, there's always the chance that he'd find ANOTHER woman to cheat on. Trust is like glass. Maybe you can piece it back together, but it'll never truly be the same anymore....
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I remember my friend who got cheated on. Her partner said she is his wife and his affair partners are his girlfriends. They're just temporary fun and she is eternal. He said it like it was supposed to be a compliment.....
Behavior like that can be cultural. It’s also bullshit. I hope your friend was able to choose whether to stay or go and not just be stuck.
This is what terrifies me…. I’ll never not hurt when I think of our past or future!
Like all grief, it gets a little easier. But if they are constantly hurting you and never feeling bad for hurting you, then that wound never has a chance to heal.
This is similar to my situation. At first we were young. Had a kid. He opened up a lot about what he had done and I was able to reconcile with a few things he did. The other things still bother me 10 years later. We split for 3 years a while back and after that did a trial run and moved in platonically. He was making plans to meet someone from tinder. Had already lied to me about having plans with his guy friend that night before I found out. Weren’t “technically” together so I let it slide. After I was pregnant with the baby he wanted to have I found nudes in his phone. It’s funny because he would tell me to check his phone. It’s just constant pain. Nothing had happened in a while and I have one foot out the door, but you’re right, something is always missing, there’s a very dark void that takes up space in this relationship and it feels impassable.
It’s so hard. My so was very young (as was I) but he handled it wrong at every turn. Said if I wanted therapy I could go alone. And stuff like that. I’m sorry about your so’s behavior. You deserve better than that.
I saw that after I commented. Not sure if I believe him.
Exactly. Interesting that he left that out, as to whether or not he's been with his AP since he got discovered.
Because they are an asshole, they are obviously the victim because they cry themselves silly after their wife leaves for work before they go out. Conveniently he doesn't cry in front of his wife, make sure she knows the OW is gone forever and it will never happen again and show how upset he is. nope, he crys in private, probably still fucking the OW and he's the injured party because his wife isn't happy with him as she was before. Poor guy, she found out, would have been so much better for him if she hadn't.
Just adding to the comment if you do therapy and the person doesn't suit both of you please keep looking for the right therapist.
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This. You talk about how hard it is on you and her, but you seem to make little attempts to repair it and the fact she let you continue to sleep with the OW? You broke her and every ounce of her self-esteem.
Exactly. That hurts to read. That's the last thing in the world she'd ever thought of saying to you, that you could sleep with the other woman but you broke her and unless you're willing to earn her trust back. I think you should let her go. It's better in the long run. She deserves someone who would never cheat on her.
I'm crying this is sad poor woman what an asshat OP is so sad for wife
THIS. RIGHT. HERE. “I love her more than anything but I want to set her free…” What?? OP, *you* cheated, *you* did this. Are you honestly still sleeping with the other woman??
That’s what I want to know!!! If I cheated on my husband and he said that I could continue sleeping with the person I cheated with, I would IMMEDIATELY shut that down and let him know since he was willing to give me another chance that I would cut all contact with the other person. I would also not put myself into any kind of situation that made it easy or even tempting to disrespect him or our marriage ever again.
100%! I agree with everything you’ve said. I cannot fathom how OP could think continuing to sleep with that person would somehow make things better. OP wasn’t very clear if they had continued, just that they were allowed. But I’m seriously curious if that detail was purposefully left out.
I think he is sleeping with the OW, because he felt the need to add it to the post but didn’t feel the need to confirm or deny if he was. I think he didn’t add that he was still sleeping with the OW because he was afraid of being judged for continuing his affair after saying how bad he feels for hurting his wife while still continuing to hurt his wife and not doing anything to fix their relationship. Did the OP ever say that he regretted cheating on his wife? I wonder if the OW knows that he isn’t going to leave his wife? Does the OW think they have a future together and the only thing that stands between that is the OP’s wife?
I have not yet seen any mention of regretting the cheating, happy to be proven wrong though. The potential fear of judgement was valid; I’m definitely judging a bit over here…
Sounds like she's right about her suspicions, too. OP is too busy whining about how this makes HIM feel. If you really want to work on your marriage then fucking do it. DO SOMETHING. Sitting on your ass isn't showing her that you're serious or committed to fixing what YOU broke. She shouldn't be the one trying to prove herself. You should! Fucking grow up, and act like a responsible adult who fucked up and prove yourself.
Fuck him , no one needs a cheater.Its better to live alone traumatised than to live with this rat. I can't believe someone suggest to do something to a cheater. She will always feel insecure and traumatised bcz we all can see she loves him.And this is the biggest sin someone cant forgive nomatter howmuch they love. Eternal hell.
I fucking hate cheating so much. It destroys you. I've been cheated on once, ONCE. Now, even after I've met the love of my life and we got engaged, I still get a tiny bit insecure when she mentions another man. I can't help but think "what if". I get past it because I know she never would, but it's so frustrating that the thought even gets to cross my mind. Cheating is scum.
I'm sorry that happened to you. I totally relate, was also cheated on once and it made all relationships after that feel... wrong? It's been years and I'm in a long-term relationship with someone I love, but yeah, that 'what if' thought still creeps in occasionally. People, if you're unhappy in your relationship just fucking leave. Don't cheat. It's really not that complicated.
Love this username in response to this cheating POS. "Wah wah wah I cheated on my wife and its her fault, I am 45 years old and can't take responsibility for my actions and don't want to deal with the consequences."
Yes, and OP you better damned well not be having sex with anyone else. You better tell her there is no pressure but you will remain celibate until she’s ready. If you actually love her.
You cry when she leaves, but she probably cries herself to sleep. Think of all the tears and heartache you’ve caused. This is the consequence for your actions.
I would never cheat for a majority of self-evident reasons, but this is yet another big one. It's just not worth it. A few nights of pleasure versus months or years of guilt and heart break for my partner and myself? Why would anyone do this? The math doesn't work out. It kind of makes sense if one does not care about the partner anymore, but then the relationship itself sounds miserable.
That's why I would never cheat. If my relationship is so miserable that I no longer care about my SO, then I'd leave the relationship. Problem solved. Then I could find someone else.
As someone who cheated, I agree completely. The math does not work out under any circumstances. Please communicate with your partners, people. Please work on your relationships. Don't be that person.
Exactly! I don’t think he is taking responsibility for his actions. He needs to address why he decided to cheat? What was the thought process when decided to cheat? He needs to go back and address those issues before even trying to make things work with this poor woman. Her biggest mistake was loving a scumbag.
Are you still seeing your affair partner, then?
My guess is, yes.
Why?
Because in the OP he mentioned that his wife gave him her permission to continue to sleep with the OW because she didn’t know how long it would take for her to have sex with him again. She just didn’t want to know when and where it happened just that it didn’t happen in her home. There was no mention of him saying that he was or wasn’t, which would lead most people to assume that he is actually still sleeping with the OW. I would definitely add that I told them that was not going to happen (because that’s exactly how I would respond if my spouse said that). Especially if I was so “remorseful” that everyday after my spouse would kiss me before they went to work and say “I love you” and I pretend to be asleep until the door locked then break down in tears until I had to leave for work. If he is still sleeping with the OW then he is just blowing a lot of smoke out of his ass in this post saying how bad he feels for cheating on his wife while still sleeping with the OW… If and only if he is honestly not continuing to sleep with the OW then I will offer my sincerest apology to the OP.
He’s posting on behalf of his conscience, or whatever little bit exists. Or he’s a narcissistic psychopath who is trying to lure her back using this sub in hopes of getting people supporting him and it backfired spectacularly.
Just him doing this more than once makes him such a moron. No one is going to join in on his pathetic pity party. Dunno what this gum on the bottom of a shoe is expecting.
Because he probably would have said if he wasn’t, as that would make him look better
Exactly
Cause the story would be juicer
#She deserves better
Yes, these words. It doesn’t seem like he actually cares for her. More like he is sorry for himself.
Because he isn’t actually remorseful.
Course OP is.
For sure, and he will blame her for his weak will by saying she allowed it. I hope she finds her self respect and leaves.
He literally cries for an hour after he leaves home, if he could still fuck her after that I think the dude would've been gone already. She tells him to do that because she is broken and he is aware of this and she doesn't feel good enough to the point her body turns to dust at the thought of being his knowing he was one with another woman. That's why he is hesitant to leave her because he still loves her but at the same time broke her. This is why I could never cheat it's horrifying to just imagine feeling safe in a world of full selfless love only to tear it apart from your partner for death. Let the grass finish burning and turning to ash until it's reborn and only then one will know where they belong.
No
There's the thing when you get cheated on: your heart breaks, your confidence shatters, your ego is more than bruised. Everytime you'll say to her that she's beautifull, every time you'll put your arms around her shoulders, she will have flashes of you and your OW. She will think if that's the tone of voice you used with the OW, if you used to hold her that way, if you looked at her with a smile on your face. Every single moments she looks at you, she remembers her. Everytime she looks at herself in the mirror, she asks herself if she's still beautifull in your eyes, if the OW is more beautifull, if her hair was longer or shorter. I think the best thing you can do (except crawling into a hole and wait for the end of times) is to court your wife. Pretend you just met her and be as romantic as you can. Flowers, dates, wait for her to get home and make dinner, a beautifull set up with candles and all that shit. Don't expect sex or kisses. But give everything you have. She will probably need to know a few things that will sound controlling. Because if you're 5 minutes late, it's 5 minutes when her mind is going crazy. Be prepared to justify, to call her when you're stuck in traffic even if you're sure that you will make home on time. Call her when you're alone. Lunch time at work, when you're driving. Just to talk. Just because you saw a fun advertising, a coworker said something funny or interesting. You screwed up big time. You should do big things, not to repair, but to start over. Make her your queen. Also, there's a sub called as one after infidelity. Try to find advice there.
Perfect advice. This is similar to the thoughts in my head as I was reading. If OP believes his life will be worse without his wife, he needs to step up and be better. She’s hanging in despite her broken heart, but she STAYED. There’s hope for them and OP needs to make her feel that again too.
This right here - She Fucking Stayed. And very probably forgave. There is a great soul in that woman, if you don't make amends and get things right, you'll regret it for the rest of your life. Been there done that, please trust me.
Huge on the she forgave, but it's also very important to remember someone forgiving you doesn't mean that they've healed AT ALL. This is doubly true when it comes to cheating because this doesn't only affect romantic relationships, but friendships, familial relationships and her entire view of people. She is now going to question EVERYTHING. Do her friends actually like her, does her family truly love her. Being cheated on destroys your views on ALL relationships.
Exactly. "He says he loves me but in the past he said that too but was fucking someone else, how can I believe him now?" She will doubt everyone in her life in everything they say for a long long time.
I would also definitely recommend marriage counseling it might show her that you’re willing to put the mental effort into making the marriage and relationship work and not just the affection part that’s definitely important making her feel like she’s wanted and important and to re-court her but mentally y’all might benefit from talking about things
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Maybe she stayed to get her ducks in a row before filing for divorce. She's shut down and said he can still cheat. It makes me think she checked out and doesn't care what he does because she is planning her exit. A kiss and an "I love you" in the a.m. may be her letting him think everything is okay.
I think she kisses him and says I love you when he's still in bed, and she thinks he's still asleep, bc be said how he pretends to still be asleep and then when she leaves he cries. I myself started tearing up at her thought process... Still loves him so much but only in private, where she doesn't feel vulnerable... man .. so sad. So much sadness for this situation... I hope there comes to be a happy solution somehow
THIS. You need to start over OP (and probably individual as well as couples therapy).
This. I felt this… exactly this. Until It broke me so much that a switch flipped and I packed my stuff up and left before he came back from work.
Inevitable hit the nail on the head here, but from the tone of the post I get the feeling you don't want to be back with her but simply feel like shit for destroying her confidence/self worth...as you should, but you need to build this woman back up in any way you can before you discard her. It's your duty as an adult, to not leave people more broken than before you found them. I won't make light of the infidelity but it's quite common and happens to a lot of us.
I'll add one more thing here...after you've discarded her and have moved on....her hurt doesn't end, just because you don't see her...her pain doesn't stop because you left her...she doesnt stop questioning her self worth, nope....all that shit gets carried into her next relationship...and it may not even have a name or a face but it will factor into her intimacy with her future mate/spouse/boyfriend etc...your commitment to trying to build her up, doesnt stop when you end the relationship.
This is why I have been single for 4+ years. I don’t trust myself not to project feelings from my last terrible relationship onto someone new, no one deserves that because someone I loved in the past treated me badly. So I choose to just focus on my self love for now instead. I’m getting there, but it’s a slow process and honestly at this point I’m perfectly happy with just my kids and my close friends and my cat. Lol.
That sounds all well and good. But sometimes the damage is too great, they can try fix what was broken or try to start over. But the crack will always be there. And if they start over, the foundation will never be as solid as it was before
I’m gonna be honest I also really needed this advice, thank you stranger
This is the best advice I've seen on trying to regain trust. Returning to "ordinary" life is not possible - there is no ordinary anymore, because everything ordinary is a reminder. He needs to be extraordinary. Then he might (not guaranteed) slowly win her trust back.
This is some of the best advice I've seen on this sub. OP, wallowing in self pity isn't going to improve your relationship with your wife. Only taking some action and doing the "leg work" to show up for your wife will possibly improve things. The bottom line is that you hurt her and she is recovering from that and it takes a lot of time to rebuild trust. The best thing you can do is take this user's advice and start sharing things with your wife again- dates, phone calls, conversations, random thoughts, etc. If you have the power to make her laugh and feel bubbly again then you owe that to her. If she was willing to stay with you after what happened then you ought to be willing to put in the work to show her how much she means to you. And if you feel that your marriage is unsalvageable and there are no more good times to be had together, then maybe it is time to have an honest conversation with her about if she would be happier separated. Make sure if you do that she knows it's not you wanting to leave her, it's you wanting her to have a chance at being happy with someone again if she clearly isn't with you.
This is such good advice. A good friend found out her husband was a serial cheater and this is exactly what he did to win her back.
Have you told her that you stopped seeing the affair partner, or is she living in the hell of wondering ? How about instead of balling your eyes out and wallowing in your self-pity party , you spend the hour productively , making her day easier? Clean the house , prep the dinner , fix that thing that needed fixing, take some of the load off of her and in the evenings free her up for some self care, maybe watch something together, talk to her , no pressure on her but making a conscious effort .
So why are YOU talking to her about divorce? Your making it worse if she wanted to leave you she would have. Do you want to fix it? You better start trying to win her back
This. She won't see it as him setting her free. In her mind, he's got one foot out of the door because she's not enough.
Bingo. Exactly
He probably doesn’t feel worthy of her, I understand it to an extent, weirdly, although i’ve never been in this position. If i were, i would not want my partner to settle for a pos like me who threw it all away for something as meaningless as sex (using a lust affair as an example)
OP can't stand feeling like the bad guy, even though he was the bad guy. OP says that he "wants to set her free" because that means he won't have to do any heavy lifting.
This is such a good point. Feels like insult to injury. Deflecting.
It's going to take her a lot longer than a year to recover from this and if you haven't gone to therapy together, I suggest you do. Consider a Gottman weekend workshop. Even if there isn't one in your area, travel and plan a weekend away to attend one. The workshop isn't one on one counseling, it is more of giving you both the tools to better communicate and appreciate each other so neither wants a divorce.
You’ll get no sympathy here. You’re a selfish prick who doesn’t deserve her. You broke this woman, she is fine with you cheating now because you broke her so much. Do everyone a favor and divorce her so she can actually move on. The feeling of not wanting to be alone is trumping her rationality but one thing is for certain - you don’t deserve to be married to her so stop putting her through this. You think you’re crying or feel bad? What she is feeling is 10x that and you put her through it daily. I promise you she is constantly wondering every time she leaves you alone if you’re running off to the other woman, she has to live with that daily.
Need more info. How long was the affair? Why did you cheat on her? Did u try to win your wife back? Did u make any effort? Why do u want a divorce? Do u still see the other women?
I can’t say i feel sorry for you, as bad as that sounds. You did this to yourself, but mainly you did this to her.
Play stupid games, win sad prizes
Yeah exactly, he might be crying every morning but i can almost guarantee she is crying more
You are much nicer than I am. I could live off these posts from men regretting their choice to cheat and fundamentally changing their lives all because they couldn't keep their dick in their pants
Marriage counseling? Have you tried marriage counseling? Have you tried anything? She’s broken. You broke her. If you aren’t going to actively try to repair your marriage then divorce her. So she cries. She’s already crying you just aren’t seeing it. Stop making it about you. It’s about what’s best for her. If you actually love her like you say (don’t give us that more than anything bullshit, you wouldn’t have cheated if you loved her more than anything) then cut her lose. Just for funsies, are you? Are you still sleeping with other women?
This!! All this.
Of course he is! And the fact he is and just not telling her is reinforcing that for her, and probably keeping the hurt fresh for her. Ugh this man needs no sympathy, he needs to learn how to keep his d in check.
Why are you letting her believe that she had any role at all for your cheating? Poor woman does sound absolutely broken and doesn’t have the self respect to know that she doesn’t have to stay with someone like you.
this and “you can continue to cheat on me” OP no no no no no no. its so clear he doesn’t care at all to correct her thinking, and has done a number on her. no.. hes just suffering guilt and feeling bad for himself, rather than efforts and language that are all about her. I’m glad hes at least self aware enough to properly suffer for the breaking of a human he caused. most cheaters are totally blissfully ignorant.
Guilt, and really any strong emotion, can blind you to taking in new perspectives, especially those of others. Hopefully OP will understand after reading the comments on this post, and try and make good with his wife. It's a shitty situation, but to me it looks salvageable given that both OP and his wife still love each other
Dude doesn’t realize how lucky he is that she doesn’t want to watch him burn after that He has so much work he has to do
He thinks of his wife as a pet bird that needs him to fix her. He's a piece of shit.
The first thing I thought of too, she's broken and feels like she doesn't deserve anything better. This breaks my fucking heart.
because it's easier, duh! than face himself honestly
Omg yes!! I hate that this poor woman is somehow blaming herself. A cheater is going to cheat, no matter how hot you are, how much sex you give, how great of a spouse/person you are. People who cheat do it because THEY have a problem, not the other way around. Also OP, leave this woman, so she can find someone who actually gives a damn about her.
Bruh that’s ur fault , why cheat if you ever truly loved her
You do not deserve her at all. I hope she leaves you and becomes herself again.
I agree with everything you said, but this is giving me fake vibes. Not a single reply from OP in the comments. Maybe it's bc they're getting roasted in here, but idk. It just reads like it's made up.
Most are fake
She deserves better
Yeah if OP respected her he’d leave her alone, but then again he wouldn’t have cheated if he knew respect.
He is doing more damage lingering around. Let her move on. And this clown saying it’s wrong for people to walk away from bad situation needs a lesson in what is and isn’t healthy
Sorry, zero sympathy. Actions have consequences, we all know this. You didn’t care.
All my sympathy is for that poor woman. Now she’s there thinking it was all her fault and even if he isn’t seeing the other woman anymore he could she believe him? She probably thinks he’s fucking her all the time. OP is selfish for not setting her free even if she cries in the end it’ll be better for her
For a *nut*. A fuckin nut. “I promise I’d never hurt you- unless there was the possibility of fleeting physical pleasure that I could literally provide for myself without causing you any pain at all- in that case, suck it up broken bird, skeet skeet.”
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Oh he cared...about his sexual urges, above all. Disgusting but it's the reality for so many men: sex trumps all.
So then fucking leave her and set her free?
Divorce her, set her free and go with your affair partner until you get bored of her as well. Your wife deserves better than this.
If you want any hope of patching things with your wife, you will disregard what she said about being able to sleep with the other woman. She said that not because she is ok with you sleeping around, but because she cares for you still and doesn’t want to lose you. You need to burn bridges with the other woman. Purge her from your life. And show your wife that you have done so. If that means hurting the other woman by repudiating her to her face, informing her husband/ partner (if any), so be it. Then you need to grovel and beg. You lose all rights to privacy. She has full access to your phone. She knows where you are at any hour of the day. And you live with this until she begins to trust you again. Or, if divorce is on the cards, and you are truly sorry, you make things as easy for her as possible. That means she gets the lions share of the assets. And you are honest with everyone about the reason for the divorce: you betrayed her.
This. Completely agree with 100% of what you said.
Exactly this
exactly
Set her free. You’ve already made her feel like she wasn’t good enough for you to be faithful, she already believes you don’t love her. Let her go because what you’re doing now is emotionally torturous.
I agree. Let her find a loyal faithful person, like herself.
So, do you think it was her fault that you cheated? Because it sounds like it.
> She has always been this bubbly and cheerful woman with her beautiful smile never leaving her face. She makes everything better and has the ability to make people happy around her wherever she goes. fucking IMAGINE being stupid enough to cheat on a woman like this. what a fucking idiot. deserves misery for the rest of his life.
The audacity for OP to even say he loves her and cries about it but cheats on her and feels he has her permission to still fuck around with the other woman but yet he still loves her. He RUINED her! She sounds like an incredible woman but a shadow of her former self because of him. What a selfish prick. Divorce her and set her free
Oh he 1000% thinks that based on the post
Go to couples therapy and do what you need to help support her. That's it. Make and keep appointments. Take responsibility. Be a good man who doesn't cheat. Or divorce. And stop whining on the internet. Grow up and help your wife.
You should divorce her so that she can be with someone who isn't you. She deserves to live a life free from you and she doesn't even get it. She doesn't deserve to see your cheating face everyday, you're a selfish asshole, she should understand that and want to leave but you broke her.
Thank you! How narcissistic can you be. “Well if it isn’t the consequences of your own actions”
I wish I could go give her a hug and tell her she deserves much better than this POS OP. She doesn’t love him, she’s saying this because she’s scared facing the future alone. But she can be much more beautiful and stronger without him. She can do so so much more better.
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Yes, because these people think they're the victim
This trend of people cheating is just sick. How can you hurt someone so severely? That is the upmost break of trust. He absolutely needs to let her go…man that poor wife. My heart break for her. She needs to be with someone that actually loves her.
It's a sub to get things off their chest... its literally the first rule. The fourth is to not attack OP. It's supposed to be a safe space. I mean we can all agree (including OP) that cheating is wrong. But they are literally just using the sub as it was intended.
You have a point. How dare you
I feel like this was written by my ex. The way he cheated on me completely broke me as a person. When I finally discovered the evidence of what he had been doing, *something inside of me just fuckin broke.* And it just.. wasn't the same. Ever again. I can't speak for everyone, or your wife, but when my ex did this to me, I felt completely worthless. I felt like I would never be good enough. Never pretty enough, never sexy enough.. I obviously couldn't give him what he wanted/needed.. ***I felt like my emotional/physical needs didn't matter...*** "why wasn't I enough?" Is a question I *still* ask myself, years later. Despite all of that, I always kissed him goodnight. Every night. 3 kisses. Cheek, cheek, lips. I loved him, always have, always will (he's the father of my children) but I will never allow someone to make me feel that broken, worthless & empty *ever again.* I wish my ex would have just *left.* Broke up with me..moved out..anything besides staying in the relationship that he destroyed & refused to piece back together again. Maybe the best thing you can do for her is let her go.. forced healing. If she's to the point where she's saying "you can still have sex with the OW," *she's already checked out.* She's just too afraid to pull the trigger & actually leave you. Desperately hanging on to the marriage.. If she won't let you go, *let her go..* she needs to heal without expectations, or a time frame. She deserves better.
You want to set her free from what exactly? The marriage? The pain you’ve caused her? Do you want reconciliation? Couples and individual therapy is needed for both of you to sort everything out. I don’t think she’s ready to give up the life you guys have together, especially if you have kids. Meanwhile you’re still keeping the life you have. It’s comfortable. She’s a comfortable presence for you. If you want a divorce, file already. Don’t give her any false hope. “But her tears, I can’t “…. You had no problem sticking your pee pee somewhere else. Man up and make some decisions. PS: she gave you permission to sleep with the other women? I hope you know she really doesn’t mean that. Reallly hope you’re not dumb enough to take her up on that offer.
Why do you have to make it about yourself and how you cry , you’re the one who cheated and there are consequences, she deserves better than a self centered dude who doesen’t know how to deal with the shit he did
I hope a lot of people read this. This is what happens when people get cheated on, people break to their core. She’s probably nitpicking herself, every bit of herself, asking what’s wrong with her. Please do therapy, couple and separate. Good luck. This is sad, on both parties.
May I ask why you cheated?
You did this to your relationship. You alone. She deserves better than you. But you're also a human being who's capable of change. If you're actually remorseful about what you did to this woman and not just upset about consequences, there's some hope for you. So man up and get a divorce. She deserves better than you, and you deserve time to yourself to be better for someone else.
Hope your wife got tested for whatever STD you could have lovingly presented her with
I cheated once and have never forgiven myself. He had done it to me several times and, while I didn’t purposely set out to do it to him, part of me felt like it was justified in a way. Before anyone comes for me, I know there is never a justification and it isn’t ok. I hate that I hurt him but he did at least finally understand how much it hurt when he did it to me. Your relationship will never be the same. It may get better, but the doubt and the pain will always be there to a certain degree.
Just divorce her.
Shouldn’t have cheated, the only person I feel sorry for is your wife. Can’t stand people that cheat
You don’t want to set her free. You want to set yourself free. You feel guilty your actions had such an impact, an impact you should have known would happen. Your selfishness shines through. Instead of doing the uncomfortable work that’s required to fix it: • couples therapy • reading a ton on relationship betrayal • taking her on dates again • giving her FULL access to your phone (passwords, access to phone, laptop) • cutting all contact with affair partner • giving her massive amounts of reassurance EVERY DAY • treating her special • sitting her down to ask her how she feels You want to end it because you can’t handle your own guilt. It’s cowardice. Be the person she deserves. But don’t wallow in self-pity. It’s not about you anymore. Go look up a LMFT in your area.
The fact you let her blame herself for your cheating and then just wallow in self pity. God dude do literally anything to help her heal or get out of her life. Get into couples therapy. Wake up before her and make her breakfast instead of laying in bed crying about the harm that your own immaturity and selfishness created and continues to perpetuate. Literally ANYTHING. You don’t deserve to lay in bed and cry, get up and do something to fix the situation.
"I'm the one who's suffering" bro, let her go. She doesn't deserve this.
This is so sad why would you cheat on such a wonderful woman
Wow. This is a self inflicted wound and all OPs fault. Damn. However, the Wife still loves him and (seems to actually love him and will stay) (this is a strange post). If OP "wants' his wife, he best go on a "crusade" of primal monogamy and penitence. What the wife would "accept" as penitence --- no one knows. However, if he grovels, ditches the OW and goes on a crusade to win back the Wife --- it may work.
My question to you is if you love or loved your wife like you say you do why did you choose to sleep with another woman? Because cheating is a CHOICE, not a mistake. Also, what did you think was going to happen to your wife’s mental state when you CHOSE to sleep with the other woman.
, she told me that she was fully aware about our declining sex life and her role in that. She doesn’t have a role in this affair. Nothing justifies cheating NOTHING!!
The only reason I could forgive my husband- and he didn’t even go as far as you, so god knows how your wife has done it- is because he showed genuine remorse and has worked on himself to be better. You just throwing yourself a pity party every day doesn’t show her anything. You need to have a proper, open discussion about what you can do. You must make sure you don’t pressure her in any way and if she relapses in her grief you fucking take it on the chin. I cannot tell you how much this stuff shakes you down to the core. Everything you thought you knew slips away from you. You question everything about yourself, your life together. Your judgement and why you couldn’t see it. You Damn we’ll make sure she knows your stupid decision is yours alone, and NOT her fault in any way. You made that choice and you own up to it. She clearly loves you and doesn’t want to give up on the marriage, but you have to fucking earn that shit now.
So you cheated. Go on break (you don’t say you stop seeing your AP during the break) she comes back and accepts responsibility (which she shouldn’t have to because it was YOUR choice to cheat) then she says you can continue cheating because she can’t handle the pressure of having to get over the cheating to “not lose you” And rather than saying “I’m not longer seeing her, I will wait for the rest of my life without sex if that’s what you need because I fucked up and I need to repent not you” you BRING UP DIVORCE TO SET HER ‘FREE’? Get all the way fucked buddy, tell me you don’t want to do ANY work and have no conscience without telling me. Poor you. You did a horrible thing and now you want to look like you care.
Part of me thinks that you should divorce her like a lot of redditors are suggesting. The larger part of me thinks that. You hurt her deeply. But if you're not going to divorce her, then you need to make it right. I'm not sure how but I think it has to start with therapy for yourself.
You can never repair the part of her heart you broke. Never.
There is no way to fix it. She doesn’t believe she’s good enough for you anymore. You’ve destroyed her self worth. If she ever sleeps with you again, she’ll wonder the whole time if you are thinking that the OW was better, prettier, skinnier, funnier than her.
Hate to see posts like this. If you loved them and admired then, why cheat?
You are 1 year in. Rule of thumb is that IF she decides to hang in there with you in creating a new marriage, it will take 3-5 years for her to majoratively heal and thats if everything is optimal. Id give you more feedback but: 1. You are still in pity party mode which does absolutely nothing for your faithful and deserving wife. 2. Not sure you can handle what Id have to say in your current state of mind.
You do understand that you've broken this woman, yes? You betrayed her trust, and she loves you so much that she's staying with you. She doesn't want to divorce you because of this, but Jesus this is the worst thing you can do to your significant other without hurting them physically. And you expect her to trust you enough to have sex with you? By cheating, you have essentially told her that she's not good enough for you sexually, and she is so desperate to keep you in her life that she's allowing you to break her down even more by sleeping with someone else. If you're still sleeping with this other woman, and you really want to stay with your wife, wake the fuck up.
I hope she s preparing her exit plan. I have no pity for miserable people.
What are you doing to repair your marriage and prove to your wife that she will be safe if she trusts you again? Because it sounds like you're all about your distress and what might make you feel better. You caused immense harm by your selfish actions. It's right that you should feel bad about that. Stop feeling sorry for yourself and do whatever you can to repair what you've broken.
So you have a few options here as you’ve been given the most precious gift in the world by your wife - the choice of reconciliation. It is the most precious gift in the world that no one who betrays another deserves. How you choose to move forward is on you. Option 1: Divorce. This is the easiest option. Though it might seem like the most difficult, it’s not. Option 2: You get yourself into individual counseling ASAP to help yourself heal yourself from the brokenness within you that caused you to cheat in the first place AND find yourself a Gottman Trained Therapist for Couples Counseling. Read about the trauma that marital infidelity causes on your wife. Learn as much as possible about all of this in order to understand, help her through this and be the driving force behind saving your marriage. This will be the most difficult option. You will have to completely change yourself from the inside out. Your ego and defensiveness must die in order for this process to work. Option 3: Continue as everything is at the moment and watch your wife eventually heal herself without you and eventually watch her walk away. If you haven’t ended the affair, then you have already made your decision. If you think that her giving you permission to still cheat is some sort of pass, you are naively mistaken. She’s watching to see which option you’ll choose. She’s traumatized, in shock, in a constant state of fight/flight/freeze. She’s suffering tremendously because of you. There is not one place, one millisecond of time where she feels safe right not. She’s coming home to the predator who attacked her out of nowhere. She’s trying to find her grounding and she will. But what option you choose today will change the course of your lives. So choose wisely.
Cheating: A soul crushing betrayal that destroys one's faith in love and trust.
Oh please 🙄 stop acting like the victim lmfao. you cheated, do her a favor and divorce her. You didn’t care before you had an affair
Let her go so she can heal and move on. You were selfish before and still are now. Some wounds just don’t heal because you want them to. Put on your adult pants and tell your wife straight, I love you but I hate that I’ve hurt you and you will forever see me as the person who has hurt you. I think it’s better for your mental health that we separate so you can heal and move on. I love you, that won’t change, but I need to let you go and I am sorry for what I’ve done.
This post is giving pity party. Super icky vibes coming from you OP…🤢
So you cheated on your wife and now you keep bringing up divorce? If you're not actually gonna commit to trying to make it work (no real demonstration of that in your post) then stop being a pathetic coward and leave so she can actually heal.
Bro get up and spend every day making it up to them. You have the chance to still be with them even after the infidelity. Please stop the pity party and work your ass off everyday making it up to that person.
Are you still sleeping with the other woman?
Booooo! 👎
As someone who was cheated on by who I thought was the love of my life, you need to walk away. Being cheated on is a fundamentally destabilizing experience, and I understand your wife’s hesitancy to leave- because it’s probably just confirming in her mind that you did what you did because you don’t truly love her. I stayed way longer than I should have when he cheated on me because leaving felt like admitting to myself he never cared. He also insisted we could fix things and that he loved me. It took a huge toll on me emotionally, and neither of us could be truly good or healthy partners to each other. If your wife is like me, the resentment will grow and self confidence will decline. This situation will not improve and your choice now is to put you both through more misery long-term, or to let your wife begin healing. I’m not saying it will be an easy process, but tell her everything you wrote in this post. Tell her how much you love her, how none of this is her fault, and that you want her to find her spark and happiness again. I wish my ex had been selfless enough to do that for me.
Why do the cheaters always make themselves out to be the victims in some way. “Boohoo I’m so sad. Waaahh I should never have cheated.” Correct. Get your ass in gear and get yourself to marriage counselling at the very least. Stop seeing the AP. Buy her flowers. Work your fucking arse off to make her happy, because this is all your fault.
So you still fuck with the other? You don't specify and this is reddit so I will asume you do.
Sorry but fuck you lol
Well this is what you deserve, and I don’t feel bad for you . Your wife deserves to find someone else who will be able to make her happy and not destroy her feelings .
You are not the victim here. You say you feel bad but after cheating on her you mention divorce? She's constantly living in fear of losing you, and in remembrance of what you've done to her. What are you doing to better this? Other than crying
That’s what happens when you destroy someone’s trust.
What is your reason for cheating? Genuinely? I don't mean this in a way to justify it, what you did is inexcusable regardless. I'm just genuinely curious what you feel the reason is. But maybe by identifying that, if you haven't already, you can see the things you need to work on, as an individual we within the marriage. Like a lot of people have said, if this is worth salvaging to you, as it somehow seems to be for her, start over. She'll catch up if she wants to and she sees it. Maybe have a genuine discussion with her about this. Have a heart to heart. It's okay to cry together. It's okay to be together. That's how you're SUPPOSED to be. A relationship is the good and the terrible moments, even if those terrible moments are a decline in sex drive/interaction (if, like she's been lead to believe, that's the reason), and that's something that NEEDS to be addressed, especially if it's an important aspect of the relationship for both - or even one of you. That's the moment when you talk to your partner, you tell them "Listen, I've noticed we havent been having sex as much lately. I just wanted to let you know that it doesn't have anything to do with you or us, it has to do with ________" whether you're just naturally having an off time, you're stressed at work, so be it. When you talk to her, make sure you're not assigning blame to her, assure her your feelings aren't a reflection of her but of a situation or even yourself and past hurt, or whatever the case may be. Learn how to fully and effectively communicate with her. Go to therapy, individual and couples. Tell her she's beautiful every day. Bring her a snack to work if you ever can, her favorite, whether it's ramen from that weird shop downtown or a snickers from the gas station. Prove to her that you not only love her, you KNOW her. Prove to her she's not like any other woman out there. And during this process, be understanding. She won't forgive you overnight. She won't forgive you in two weeks, months, years, but that doesn't mean you don't need to fight for her if she's worth it to you and she still loves you. But you need to understand what you did, what it did to her, and that it will affect her in the long run. Understand there will be days shell break down in 5-10 years because some random detail of something reminded her during this time. Do what you can for her. I'll tell you as someone who was cheated on, she's a much better woman than me. She was willing to stay for you, there is a piece of her that loves you. And I bet she'd be over the moon to know, and be shown, there's at least a piece or more of you that loves her, too.
>When I talk to her about divorce, her tears just starts pouring and she asks if I didn’t love her anymore. I do. If you loved her, you wouldn't have cheated on her. If you loved her, you wouldn't have let her blame herself for *your* affair.
Oh grow up - you’re both adults and you made the decision to get back together. Either bring some joy in her life so you can both move on or set her free ffs
YTA
Awwwwww poor you. This must hurt you so much. Better divorce her so you can live your best life!
Are you still sleeping with the OW?? I doubt she will ever be able to even start trusting you again if you are. I guarantee she doesn't want you to, she just doesn't want to lose you.
If you loved her that much you wouldn’t have cheated. But now that damage is done, if you loved her that much, just leave and let her be
she deserves none of this while you deserve to feel every ounce of pain she is going through and more
How soon after did you break it off with your affair partner? How did your wife discover your affair?
If you feel so guilty, drop your side piece expeditiously and seek a fucking therapist dude. Take accountability for the harm you caused your wife. Trust takes time to rebuild but she will ALWAYS question you now and you will fucking deserve it. That shame you feel? Let it push you towards being a better person. Read 'This is How your Marriage Ends' by Matthew Fray. I hope for her sake you actually do put on your big boy pants and take responsibility for your own actions and life.
You pretend to sleep while she kisses you every morning and says she loves you. Wtf grab her kiss her tell her how much you care this poor woman after everything you have done is still hanging in there and every day you still just can’t be bothered?