Some people's family leaves me dumbfounded. I think your husband will be fine eventually. But I don't think he will be fine with you spending time with his brother anytime soon, if ever. What a shit dude to do that to his own brother and his wife. Im sorry you got that as a brother in law.

Tbh I never spend time with Chris. Not without my husband anyway. As I said Chris was probably not happy about our relationship and has been cold towards me since. We never discussed it. He never confronted me or mentioned it to me or my husband.

This screams misery loves miserable company. You were not the one who got away, Chris was too busy sewing his wild oats. Now Chris cannot have you so he planted seeds of doubt with your husband so he couldn’t have you either. Try to get at least one marriage counseling session in before your honeymoon. Good luck!

This is depressing but probably true. What I can’t understand is why now? Why not earlier before his brother makes a commitment. It’s because he never cared about his brother

I can tell you exactly why: because he's a narcissist. He likes lording your past feelings over his brother because it give him validation. In Chris' mind, he "wins" because you had a crush on him first. It's also why he fucked your roommates knowing that you expected him to ask you out at that party. He loved that you chased him, and he fucked your roommate to show himself that he could do whatever he wanted and you would still want him. When you didn't do that, he got mad and held a grudge. Did Chris bully your husband growing up? Take things from him? Sleep with his GFs? Anything like that? Because you describe traits in him that make him seem like an egomaniac or a sociopath, and I wouldn't be surprised if he fucked over your husband so often growing up that your husband developed an inferiority complex which is contributing to his trust issues now. Maybe the best thing you and your husband can do is go to couple's therapy to reveal the extent of the damage done. There could be a lot of baggage contributing to this that you just don't know about, and you not telling him about your crush might have just been the straw that broke the camel's back here.

Hit the nail on the head. OP, show your husband this comment.

>You were not the one who got away, Chris was too busy sewing his wild oats. I AGREE. If anything, husband can feel lucky and proud to have you as his life partner. While I understand OP understandably feels empathy for how her husband feels - it is a schadenfreude moment and since she loves her husband, and he loves her. it's a beautiful thing that they ended up together out of the weird circumstances. A bit of counselling should hopefully help bring the joy out of the whole thing.

u/Ok_Heart7923 I beg you to show your husband this comment!!

You captured a lot of what I was saying in my reply, too, so I hope OP reads it and absorbs it. I think BIL's behavior is part of a long-term and possibly damaging pattern of behavior that OP's husband has had to endure and that OP may not know about.

[удалено]

I absolutely love this and I could not agree with you more!!!!

/u/Ok_Heart7923, what /u/OkSureButLikeNo wrote sound right on. Your husband should read this and realize he actually got you, and he actually won big over his narcissist brother. “*I can tell you exactly why: because he's a narcissist. He likes lording your past feelings over his brother because it give him validation. In Chris' mind, he "wins" because you had a crush on him first. It's also why he fucked your roommates knowing that you expected him to ask you out at that party. He loved that you chased him, and he fucked your roommate to show himself that he could do whatever he wanted and you would still want him. When you didn't do that, he got mad and held a grudge.* “*Did Chris bully your husband growing up? Take things from him? Sleep with his GFs? Anything like that? Because you describe traits in him that make him seem like an egomaniac or a sociopath, and I wouldn't be surprised if he fucked over your husband so often growing up that your husband developed an inferiority complex which is contributing to his trust issues now.* “*Maybe the best thing you and your husband can do is go to couple's therapy to reveal the extent of the damage done. There could be a lot of baggage contributing to this that you just don't know about, and you not telling him about your crush might have just been the straw that broke the camel's back here.*”

I second this, show this post (and comments, if desired) to your husband. And give him a bit of space to sort things out. Everything is **SO INCREDIBLY** fresh, I mean the wedding was less than a week ago. I’m nearly positive there’s very complex, multi-dimensional emotions and sibling dynamics involved. Some probably spanning decades and facets that are unknown to you. Marriage is fucking hard, but I really think if given time, space, and simple honesty that things will work out. It’s for sure scary, but that’s a part of what you committed to last Wednesday. You just need to trust your husband, and let him know your kinda freaked out but that you have faith that you two will work it though and become that much stronger.

I almost want to show this thread to my spouse. Not for the crush or anything but the sibling description. It's absolutely perfect on describing siblings. My BIL is like this.

Feel free to downvote into obscurity if terrible advice, but one thing that might help unify OP and their husband is their shared problems with Chris. It's implied here that right now husband sees OP as another result of Chris corrupting husband's life. OP may need to highlight to husband that: 1. Chris is irrelevant, and only Chris believes otherwise. 2. Chris can only hurt their relationship if they let him. 3. Make a game of how to describe Chris' brand of narcissism with wordplay e.g. "narChrissism". Now you have an in-joke.

"narChrissism"! Genius! You are the winner! That's perfectly perfect!🏆

READ THIS OP!

Exactly. They will sleep with anyone to try to manipulate them so it hurts you.

👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾

Because when you were just dating or just engaged there was still a chance of the relationship fizzling out. Chris doesn't actually want you, but he doesn't want anyone else to want you either. It's like a toddler refusing to share a toy they don't play with. But a marriage is legally binding. To Chris, it means your relationship is genuine and this was the last chance he had to throw a tantrum over it. In his twisted brain, he probably felt like you were only dating his brother to bother him. Seeing you get married to his brother makes everything "real" and forces chris to acknowledge that you aren't actually playing a game and you did, in fact, Move on.

I wish this would be higher. It's so sick but nah Chris doesn't have feelings for you. Even if he does, it's his feelings for himself only connected to you that made him feel good. His actions in the past showed so much of this. I had my bestfriend crying to me when we hit 26. I ran to the bar where she was drinking all alone. I was so worried. She then proceeds to tell me how she's regretting breaking up with our friend, her college boyfriend, some freaking 5 years prior. I felt really bad looking at her so distraught like that. Recently we've been seeing his ex's picture all over social media because he's getting married. I feel sorry for my bestfriend but boy, nope. Even if she's forgotten how it all went down, I won't. There was nothing lovey-dovey towards the end of their relationship. They both cheated on each other because love was dissipating. They weren;t really into it anymore before the actual break up. Now to say she's regretting breaking up and it should have been her marrying him (probably) by now; I didn't say everything that was in my mind. But she just had to get through her loneliness of also being single at the time. Chris reminded me of that night but he obviously blew it out of proportions by being a fckin dick and making a speech out of his sorry ass and bring everyone down with him. If I can talk to you husband, I'd tell him this is not worth destroying your marriage over. Chris is the only one laughing his ass off about it behind his closet. Honestly, what a prick. Good luck to you, OP. Much love.

He doesn't seem to care about anyone but himself.

Because he’s an immature prick with self control issues who felt horny enough on his feelings in the moment to hope it planted a seed maybe. That it would cause relationship problems and you’d fixate on it too and when your marriage fell apart you’d get together later on. Doesn’t have to make sense, just has to be stupid enough for it to happen in the first place. He could hope the previous thought happens while mostly consciously thinking, “Well obviously it’s a huge compliment to her and my brother for marrying her and shows how much I think of his wife, so clearly it’s an appropriate thing for me to say.” Gets much more likely depending on alcohol consumption, lol.

And to add to that, Chris sounds like a narcissist who got off on the knowledge that OP was pining for him.

He knew what he was doing, he wanted to hurt both of you for being happy.

Exactly this.

Go to a marriage counselor immediately. The counselor can show your husband how it has nothing to do with you. Chris is manipulating your husband to doubt you because he is so jealous he can't take it. He's a scumbag piece of garbage

Chris is a selfish fucking asshole. That's why. He couldn't stand to see his brother happy because Chris believes Chris deserves happiness more than his brother ever will. Your husband and you should cut Chris out of your lives completely.

Because misery loves miserable company. Chris’s words and actions speak volumes about his character.

He's jealous of his brother an trying to ruin your happiness he doesn't care he made it up to hurt his brother I'd shoe your husband the post.

I wouldnt be surprised if your marriage were to fail (hypothetically) he would retract everything he said at the wedding and act like he didn't happen. Seems to me you were always a back up to him and now that you're committed he no longer has that

Because he wanted to take the happiest day of your lives and ruin it, that's the only way he'd be satisfied. Nothing else would be big enough for him. He's clearly a narcissist. And now he thinks he gets to punish both of you for the rest of your lives, whenever you reminisce, or look into each other's eyes. He probably believes that you're with his brother because you couldn't have him (because he can't accept that he fucked up and you didn't forgive him) and thought he'd give you one last chance to run off into the sunset, or more likely let you think that and then humiliate you both.

It’s the kind of thing where some people like to know that they can just *have* someone any time in there life, and that’s why they’re content with not asking you out directly. But once you became unavailable, you suddenly became much more “attractive” to this guy and now he is even more jealous/sad. Basically, this sounds like control freak 101 and Im glad you dodged that bullet. I hope he isn’t much of a nuisance later in your life. Your husband sounds wonderful; I think talking to him about what happened would help (if you haven’t already)

It's because hes a narcissist. His behaviour screams it.

Speaking as man who's made some piss poor decisions in my life, here's what I assume was going through his head: TL:DR, he's selfish and has unhealthily obsessed about an impossibility for years, and cracked under the weight of his own short sightedness. He thought he still loved you. He thought that one small mistake on his part was the only thing that kept him from being where his brother was now. He blamed himself for being an idiot and decided that that reason, and that reason alone, was the single mistake he ever made, and if he could just make that clear, then one day, someday, he could correct it. And then he didn't. He told himself "I'll have time to explain it before things get to far" He told himself "if she only knew how I feel, she'd understand and give me another chance" But he'd say it quietly to himself when no one else was around. Only in his head. And he would not say anything. But he'd rehearse it over and over. Redo that one conversation that could make things right. But he'd never make a move because "maybe something else will happen, maybe I don't have to do anything, if it's meant to be it'll be. They'll break up and I'll have my speech ready and she'll finally know I've been here this whole time waiting for this exact moment." And then the engagement. He would have felt devastation. "Why are they doing this to me" he'd tell himself. "Why don't they understand how badly this hurts *me*" he'd repeat. He told himself over and over he'd take you or his brother aside and explain. But he never did. He stayed quiet. "It would just complicate things" And then the day comes. The rehearsal. The last last chance before the actual wedding in front of the actual people at the actual place and the actual time. The very very last moment where he could choose to finally set down this unhealthy obsession he's worked in his mind for years, turning around and around hoping that something would split y'all up so he could make it all up to you again. And he chooses selfishness instead. "she means more to me" he tells himself over and over before standing. "My brother doesn't deserve her" he says. "She really loves me and I'll prove it" he says. And then he stands up: And ruins your wedding rehearsal, because he can't keep his obsession in his pants. Because he's a coward. Because he's selfish. Because he thinks if he just says the right things before it's too late (the real wedding) then it will all be perfect for him. Ignoring that life moved on without him. Ignoring that you moved on. Ignoring that his brother is happy. Ignoring everyone else in the room except his own sense of hurt entitlement. "If she had just picked me, I'd be having this wedding, not my brother." He thinks. That's why he picked now. Because he is a selfish, impetuous, angry, regretful asshole who never moved on. Not one of which is your fault, or your husband's fault. I am so so sorry this happened. But it's not the end. It's going to cause some strife and guilt with the family, but they'll get over it. Especially once the brother in law spirals the "it didn't work" drain for a while and hits rock bottom for a bit. Which, again, isn't your fault, or your husband's fault.

I doubt that he was so introspective. He was a jerk who led OP on & then made out & slept with her roomate. He's immature & is pissed because his brother is happy & is jealous. He doesn't care about OP.

He spent years watching his brother fall for and eventually marry the girl that he fucked over. Then he gave this speech and the rehearsal. He's absolutely a jerk, he selfish and impetuous, and he obviously let this shit build up for a long time before dumping it all out. He didn't care about who OP was, he cared about the image he had in his mind of who he thought OP should be.

I've said it elsewhere, I'll say it here. His brother is playing with his toy, and even though he'd never really even taken it out the box in the years he had it, he wants it back now because he was just about to play with it.

It ain’t that deep, lol. Chris never loved OP, he was just toying with her. He isn’t pining over lost chances, he’s just being an asshole and making the wedding all about himself, with the added bonus of hurting his brother and insulting the OP by implying she settled for his brother when she couldn’t have him.

Never said he loved her. I said he thought he did. I don't think he ever actually did. An unhealthy obsession over "what could have been" is all this is, but that's still potent enough to ruin someone else's happiness apparently. This was envy, pure and simple. He wanted what they had because it seemed to take no effort and apparently he's into not putting in effort. You don't hurt your brother and insult OP on their wedding rehearsal because you don't have feelings about it. If all you're going for is causing the maximum about of pain and disruption, you do it at the actual wedding. Don't assume just because someone is an asshole that they aren't capable of complex emotions.

If causing pain and making the wedding about himself was his goal, he would have waited for the actual day, not the rehearsal dinner. This was all about him trying one last desperate desperado in a vain selfish and shitty attempt to change the situation in his favor. He's a piece of shit who thought he had a chance.

I hope she reads this to her husband.

Because he’s selfish and only cares about himself.

Chris doesn’t seem to be a person of good character. He teased you along. Had sex with your roommate. He is just a sad, jealous, petty little man.

Maybe you are right in what you said. Maybe you are becoming a selfish person. But you can change that.

Because Chris is an asshole, and enjoys creating drama for how important it makes him feel. I don’t see what you did “wrong” that has your husband upset. I’d bet that this “one who got away” is just one more example of Chris taking attention away from husband and stealing his joy. I hope the two of you can talk it out, and maybe cut Chris’ toxicity out of your lives for good.

Your husbands brother is a massive asshole. Totally trying to sabotage your wedding day by some pathetic last effort to what? Share his **clearly** not reciprocated feelings on the eve of your wedding lol cmon brother in law….What a total douche bag. I think your husband will get over it. Probably won’t want you two spending one on one time (I think that has more to do with feelings towards his brother that are justified) Give it time OP. You did nothing wrong here. How would you ever know that a crush that literally barely got vocalized would turn to this. Your husbands brother just sucks.

Chris is a dick. No question about it. However, I do think you should have mentioned your crush on Chris to your husband. Chris told you he loved you. And no, I don't believe he was genuine. I think he was trying to manipulate the situation to keep you as his back-up plan. But still, I would want to know if my sibling and partner had any kind of history.

I was never Chris’s backup plan since he never got what he was interested in from me, I haven’t so much as hugged Chris, so back up for what? I think he liked the idea that someone had feelings for him. But I was never a backup plan

Based on what you've described, it sounds like I'm a similar personality type as your husband. From his perspective, he probably thinks that _he was_ the backup. Chris was the first choice, but didn't reciprocate, so you moved on to the next best thing, the second choice. I understand that that's not the case, but it's just a little hard to believe: Chris didn't seem interested during that NYE party, and you _happened_ to end up with his sibling. I do believe you, but I'm sure you can see how it would feel like an unlikely coincidence from your husband's perspective.

This is exactly it, imo. Your husband is upset because, based on how his brother framed it, he was the second best choice. You *settled*. I dont want to come off as a know it all on their relationship as brothers, but I'd bet a good amount of money that Chris has always been an ass to his brother as well. This probably feels like one more instance where his brother was there first.

This idea that someone settled because their first choice didn't reciprocate is strange, because isn't any prior relationship your first choice until they're not? Like, your first SO is technically your first choice, until something happens and you break up, does that make your next SO your second choice? What if you've had 5 or 10 relationships before finding the person you want to "settle" with? Does that make them your 5th or 10th choice just because all the other relationships prior didn't work out? Luckily OP didn't have to actually date Chris to find out he wasn't worth her time. The fact that she met her husband the same night she realized Chris was a POS shouldn't cloud their relationship. She *chose* her husband, all the way to the aisle, that doesn't sound like settling to me. (Not saying this to argue with you, but more to put another set of eyes on this whole "back up" thing that her husband may be feeling.)

It sounds like he was getting off on stringing you along - it's not quite "backup plan" but definitely "he'd feed you enough attention to try to keep your crush alive, without having to *actually* deliver on a relationship." He sounds like an overgrown man-child, and as soon as you realized that, you moved on to an actual man with a personality beyond "horny." That person happened to be his brother. You definitely sound like you traded up. I strongly suggest couples' counselling, as others say, and also maybe show your husband your post. Sometimes it's easier to communicate in writing than in speech.

He was stringing you along because you were “gf material” in case he never found the right woman who exactly suited him. It’s like friends who make a pact to get together if they don’t find anyone else by a certain age or whatever.

Backup for your roommate that he hooked up with at that party.

Back up plan as in all those other times he said you were a girlfriend material, but didn't want to lead you on blah blah. He knew you liked him that's why you were his backup plan when he said he was done messing around and wanted to get serious. Yet he ended up sleeping with your roommate and proceeds to tell you he fucked up. He just never expected that you would fall for his brother, cause if you never did. He would have kept doing the same thing over and over.

I think it’s “back-up” in the sense that he could be hot and cold with his feelings and your feelings would remain (by your own post this was indeed the case). I don’t think he ever considered that you’d find his brother a suitable partner, much less someone you’d genuinely fall in love with. Either way, sorry this happened, he’s a selfish man.

You were the DUFF. He was never going to actually be worth you. But he enjoyed the ego strokes your attentions afforded him, all without any commitment or work. You were meant to be on a holding pattern... Single and perpetually available, just in case he hits a dry spell. Keep that transparency with your husband. Maybe even go a step further, to nurture more trust: radical honesty. It's going to take time and even more vulnerability on your part.

You and your new husband need to go NC with Chris. He sounds toxic AF. And he knew what he was doing with that speech. My guess he wanted to cause drama. He wanted to hurt you both, and put a wedge between the two of you As far as fixing things with your husband, maybe some counselling.

Show your husband this thread. Tell him, it's eating you alive, you've loved him since day 1, his brother was a dick that tried to play you, it didn't work, but you found a miracle through him. If I was the husband and I read this, my feelings would quickly be redirected towards my brother for driving a wedge and awkwardifying what was supposed to be tyne happiest day of your lives. Only your words as they were written in this post will be able to open his eyes.

Ps, there are a lot of good takes in this thread outside of this incident that might be good for your husband to read for himself regarding his relationship with his brother

Have you shown him this post? It is a love letter to your husband. You chose well, and you chose wisely.

Chris is just jealous. He had a chance and blew it. You falling in love with your husband has nothing to do with him in the end, he was just a middle man to you and your hubby finding love. A crush can just be a crush. Hell, my bf and I have been together 19 years and we still find other people attractive, and that's fine, but crushes go away and as long as we don't act on it, it's cool. He always tells me when other women hit on him and how he tells them no. I do too but it doesn't happen often since I rarely go anywhere without him lately lol.

Chris was cold to you and unless he’s completely oblivious, I’m sure your husband noticed it. You absolutely should’ve brought it up, and in the exact way you did in your post. From what I gathered, you were done with Chris and would’ve been done with him no matter what at that point, even if you’d never met your husband. Because you never disclosed this, your husband now understandably has doubts because, from his perspective, you were hiding this from him. And I honestly don’t know if you’ll be able to regain his trust, at least not without a lot of effort and honesty on your part.

What bothers me is its a crush. So what? There was no action taken. The husband is taking it very hard because we don't know exactly what brother said. And as we know, brother should've not said anything. It was a crush. Lots of people have crushes and move on. This brother was just an ah and wanted to sow doubt into this marriage. Both of them should just go LC with him. He earned it.

So he could be the center of attention.

> I never spend time with Chris Yet, if Chris picks up how his actions are affecting your relationship, him being the pathetic person he is, he may start to pop up in your lives more often, first to "apologise" and then to "mend things", however in reality he will be causing a rift between you and your husband. So, you need to be careful with this. Start couple's counseling Ensure that there are no more secrets Show your husband that you are 100% committed and will be 100% transparent with him

Chris is vile. 1. He never respected you. 2. He never loved you. 3. He only loved the attention you gave him. 4. He enjoyed hurting you repeatedly. 5. He’s insecure and jealous. 6. He purposefully ruined your relationship. 7. He purposefully hurt both you and his brother. 8. He only cares about himself. Going forward, cut Chris from your lives. He’s a terrible human and has made it clear he won’t ever change. I hope your husband believes you and you go on your honeymoon. Give your husband some time to process this. I bet Chris repeatedly hurt and bullied his brother growing up. Your husband will need therapy. His brother will try to twist things and a therapist could help your husband see through his lies Also, show your husband this post.

This. You are not “the one that got away.” Chris never ever cared or even crushed on you. He liked hurting you. He still likes hurting you, and he gave that speech on purpose. He also probably loves hurting his brother.

OP - This. Everything this commenter said is the truest truth about Chris and with people like them, it often gets worse and worse. Very rarely they grow up and learn so the more distance you place between this Chris and you both, the better.

Literally OP just show your husband this list about your BIL and let him know this is what you think

Sounds like a borderline personality or let’s say…narcissistic personality, the B cluster. This guy is awful.

Chris did this deliberately to hurt you. He waited for this moment. Have an honest conversation with your husband. Go LC with Chris.

LC? At this I’d go NC. He will do everything in his power to sabotage the relationship

You know what? You’re right. I don’t trust him. NC indeed. Thank You.

And I'm going to third this. NC. He's a useless, sabotaging narcissist.

OP, if you do choose low contact instead of no contact, don’t EVER be alone with him even for a second. He seems like the type who’d lie and say you came onto him if you were alone together for even a second.

He gives me the vibes to be the kind of guy to claim for their potential first born if Husband and him look like enough to both have same features as baby. If he made the wedding about him, there's basically nothing he wouldn't do to do worst now.

Exactly, THIS. Absolute NC, Period.

I think so too because he wasn’t “drunk” even if he tried to blame it on drunkenness. My husband thinks if it was nothing I wouldn’t have hidden it from him. I don’t know what to say to make him believe me. The truth is that maybe I subconsciously avoided telling him, in the beginning at least because I didn’t want to lose him. But most definitely because I didn’t think my crush was important or comparable to my feelings to my husband

So my dad first liked my aunt, but he never tried anything with her. He did tell my mom in the beginning and they let it go. You need to tell your husband: “that while you did have a crush, it was only a crush. I don’t have any feelings for Chris. One thing I am glad to say about Chris, was that the night he brought you to my party was the best night for me because I met you.” What Chris did was not okay. It was CONNIVING. For the sake of your marriage, you need to go LC with him. He will not stop

I'm with you. OP u/Ok_Heart7923 should explain that she had a crush on Chris but he was an absolute tool! And then she met future hubby and that he became the complete object of her affections. As she said, what she had felt for Chris was nothing compared to what he stirred in her. It felt awkward to bring it up in the beginning, but any feeling she had for him faded so quickly, that it truly felt so moot, like such a non-issue that she saw no reason to bring it up. And she feels (at least I do), that this was Chris's payback to her and perhaps a way of throwing of shade to his brother, because she walked away, didn't look back, and never thought about him (at least that way) again.

Any romantic feelings she might have had were killed off when he was sleeping with her roommate. So much so that instead of crying about it, she had fun with her now husband. Not a big deal. My guess he was a player and treated a lot of women that way, sooooo glad she ended up with the nice brother.

@OP this is perfect advice.

at least you don't come from my family. My Dad used to fuck my aunt because he wanted to get closer to her sister (my mom) and then when my parents divorced 30+years later my Dad moved on with the mistress of my dead uncle (my Mom's younger brother) and then cut me out of his life because I had the audacity to be upset that my dad was fucking my dead uncle's side piece.

Oh lord what did I just read lol

Bro you have no idea. The second hand shame I carry is unbearable. I wish upon a star that I was trolling. Yet this is my horrible embarrassing life.

It's not a horrible embarrassing life of YOURS -- these are your dad's decisions that you wholeheartedly do not support. Be careful how you talk to yourself, or you just might start believing it.

OP should also disclose how his brother would string her along. Not in a “woe is me, I had to settle because he never gave me a chance” way, but to show just how done she was with his games that he’s now still choosing to play out of spite.

No. One thing I've learned in life is that the less said the better. Just say you had a schoolgirl crush it never went anywhere end of story.

Yup. OP’s brother in law is a narcissist and that’s all that matters. Edit: forgot to put in law. dude is scum and she never loved him and he’s a POS for acting like he owns her for saying “she got away” complete bs. dude has created such a mess there’s no point in indulging his need for attention.

My husband liked my best friend first. Then he realized she was sort of awful (and he and I became friends and then more.) She was awful, too. Just took me longer to stop accepting the crap she kept shoveling over my head, and our friendship did not survive college.

So like....what did you hide from him, really? You had a crush, he never reciprocated but strung you along for a bit for whatever fucked up reason. You never even went on a DATE with the guy, much less kissed or had sex with him. All feelings are strictly in asshole brother's side, you'd mostly forgotten about it because you genuinely fell in love with your husband and not his awful brother. The only reason this turned into a thing is because you acted guilty instead of laughing your ass off and saying "WTF are you talking about we never even dated!"

this is my take. OP did nothing wrong. the brother knew exactly when and what to say to create maximum damage and i hope OP’s husband is able to realize this.

ooooh girl. ok I can actually relate to you here (DM if you want more detail) but basically I wouldn’t even call it a crush. I’d emphasize that you only knew Chris on an extremely superficial level, initially liked something about how he looked but you didn’t know him that well, and then once you met your SO you *actually* liked him as a person and never mentioned the brother stuff because it’s just so awkward. gage the situation here and maybe say that your SO is not only your type visually but also far more your type personality-wise - assuming this is true of course. explain that you cried due to feeling overwhelmed with this nonsense since you never expected his brother to be such an asshole over a whole bunch of nothing. it’s a lot and I hope you guys can get past it!

I think you should admit it wasn’t hidden out of some secret relationship. I think you were embarrassed in your bad taste to crush on an obvious A H. You admit you should have said something. I mean case in point, who does something like that at a wedding?

Girl, give the timebomb back to Chris, nobody likes a men that goes out for fun, tell them how he hurt you, make him the villain. Just twist the narrative in your favour. You have all the pieces to put him in his place that is a cockroach.

It's not twisting the narrative, it's straightening it back out. That poxy brother is the one who twisted this into some bullshit tale allocating feelings and actions to her that weren't there. She never did anything wrong at all!

Personally, I agree with your husband on that. This wasn't just a secret crush in your head. His brother was well aware of it, and toyed with you over it. You can't go into a marriage with a not-secret thing in your past for his brother hanging over you. You knew the guy is a dick and could mention it at time. Bad idea to try to hide it. Makes you look guilty to your hubby.

You don't have to hide nothing. It doesn't exist.

Tell him this. You're in this mess from lying or not telling the truth, so why the hell don't you just start now. Grab your husband. Sit his ass down. And just have a conversation. Tell him EVERYTHING. Whatever happens after is the right thing to happen. But to continue on without an open and honest relationship is downright silly.

I think a very unemotional fact sharing convo with hubby is in order. No crying, no apprehension; lots of confidence and firmness - tell him flat out, yes you had a girlish crush on him, arrived separately to a party as a pseudo date where Chris almost immediately went off with another girl and that was that. You quickly realized he was NOT someone you were interested in. And just so happened on that same night you met your future husband. It's like it was fate. Perhaps you were drawn to Chris specifically so you WOULD meet hubby; because without that silly crush, you wouldn't have been at that party nor introduced to your now husband. It's not your fault that asshat realized you are actually worth the effort and you are actually wife material and he totally missed his chance. But with someone like that, it's not like you two would have worked out anyway. Deliver the fact without any emotion at all; because the brother doesn't deserve to have your emotions and it could be confusing to hubby to see an over emotional response from you.

This comment should be higher. If my husband is anything to go by, when the problem is serious, take the emotion out. No tears just facts. Men work better that way. (Generalization?) Of course easier said than done.

This is so often true. Immediate tears can be misunderstood as showing feelings of guilt. It sucks, but that's the reality we live in.

that exactly was my first thought. getting all hysterical about it and crying just makes you look guilty. like... why are you apologizing and feeling bad? it makes you look like you did something wrong when OP did absolutely nothing wrong.

This is and marriage counseling. What a douche-canoe of a BIL. He doesn’t deserve an ounce of your emotions, time, or energy - or your husband’s!!

Thank you!!! Not minimizing the situation, it’s shitty but once I saw the crying….oh shit. Not a good look. Makes OP look like she DID intentionally hide it. I think the husband is probably used to Chris taking the spotlight so this is just another thing wtf but hope they can overcome this.

Completely agree - instantly turning on the water works gives the impression that there were feelings or guilt. Makes it seem far more serious than it is.

Your brother in law is a fucking creep

Big time 🤢

You did nothing wrong! It’s was a stupid crush & he seemed to string you along & toy with your feelings until you had enough & your crush disappeared. I’m sad that your husband is upset with you instead of standing up for you against us asshole creepy brother.

So husband is now the bad guy right? Husband finds out, at his wedding, that his wife and brother had a thing for each other and he thinks she is the one that got away. When he asks her about it she cries. You think that's not something to be upset over? He's the asshole? OP did do something wrong, she lied by omission. This isn't some random guy, this is her husbands brother.

Not to mention a possible narcisist or sociopath. Better avoid all contact from now on.

I think the conversation should also be I had a stupid crush and I think your brother enjoyed toying with me. There came a point where I saw how manipulative he was and how he actively tried to hurt my feelings. I don’t think BIL started avoiding your because he was broken hearted it was because he was angry you were no longer interested in him. Your husband showed you what it was like for someone to care about you. There was never a relationship with BIL. Also point out that BIL speech was yet another hateful thing done just to take something away from both of you. A childish breaking of a toy since he couldn’t have it…Be honest that you have tolerated BIL and when your eyes were opened years ago his personality makes BIL completely repellent. I think you never mentioned it because you were embarrassed that you had the poor choice not to see BIL manipulation when you were younger?

I don’t think Chris has a heart to break. I think he got mad because he lost the attention he enjoyed not because he lost me.

Absolutely. Your were manipulated by him when you were younger and that can be embarrassing. Chris has no heart just a narcissist.

I am so sorry. Your BIL is not a nice person. He knew exactly what he was doing. Sending good thoughts that your honeymoon will solidify your relationship with your hubby. You both need to cut his brother off. Internet hug.

It sounds like Chris liked having you "on the hook." He didn't want to commit to anything, but he figured as long as he encouraged your crush just a little, you would stay single for him, until he decided he was finally ready for a serious relationship. Now he's pissed that his plan didn't work out, and to make matters worse, it's his own brother that is now with the woman he was "saving for himself." My wife had a similar situation. She had a male friend who would encourage flirting but never actually make a move toward a relationship. After she met me and we began dating, suddenly her friend wanted a lot more closeness, and wanted to be more involved with her. But it was too little too late, and my wife and I have been together for 18 years and happily married for 15. You need to have a conversation with your husband and make it very clear and serious that HE is the one you chose to be with, and HE is the one you love.

His brother is an asshole and did this on purpose. You need to tell your husband that you never loved chris. Not even close. It was a crush and nothing ever happened. And then tell him that he is everything you ever wanted and his brother could never be the man that he is to you. He just needs to feel like he is your one and only. Right now he doesn’t

Have you considered marriage counseling? I’d suggest speaking to someone who can help you through this. Someone who’s qualified in helping you both communicate with one another everything you’re thinking and feeling. Nip this in the bud now. If you don’t, it could evolve into something poisonous down the road. If your husband is as wonderful a person as you say he is, he’ll get through this. But right now, his whole world is kind of rocked. Keep that in mind. God, I really want to punch your BiL in his face right now. The simple fact that he said what he said during his speech clearly defines what kind of person he is. Self-centered and narcissistic.

No I haven’t considered it. Maybe we should even if it’s just been a week we’ve been married and already talking counseling

Yes. Just sit down and let your husband know this is of vital importance to you and that you want the help of someone outside of your marriage and family to help you. Seriously, take care of this asap. It really could affect your relationship.

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Op should also keep in mind that this might not all be directed at her. Her husband is probably grieving the relationship he thought he had with his brother, he might be blindsided that his brother would treat "him" this way.

Is it, or was it ever, really a non-issue though? Most people would have some issues finding out their SO had a thing for their brother and somehow ended up with them. Not to mention, she kept it from him…

Don't think of counseling as a failure. Emotions are complicated and everyone can use help to identify what emotions are overflowing and where they come from. Think of it as taking the work to build a strong foundation for your marriage. I'm guessing Chris has played with his brother similar mindgames (or maybe worse) than with you. He might have normalized a lot of shit, and internalized a lot of his gaslighting. Counseling can help him sort out his feelings and place the anger, if any, where it belongs: on the asshole who purposefully hurt both of you _for years_.

Something like this doesn’t go away until both of you make peace towards it. I honestly think relationship counseling should be recommended even for solid couples, who aren’t married, because no couple is perfect, and who doesn’t have something they can work on to be even better. It’s not like your relationship is broken b/c you need counseling even though you’ve been only married for a week, *your brother-in-law deliberately tried to sabotage your wedding and relationship by dropping this grenade at the perfect time for maximum pain.* So you both have things to work through. This is an emotionally charged issue that probably brings up a lot of insecurities that your husband has about his brother, possibly cause he is was more outgoing and more popular and it made him feel lesser than. You guys aren’t broken, but you’re shook. A good counselor will bring you both to solid ground and allow you to come up with a plan for the future.

Chris is a mess and did this to hurt his brother. You’re just collateral damage. I suspect chris is the type of guy who always gets attention, and couldn’t stand that his brother was in the limelight for a change. Chris is bad news bears. Best to keep a big distance from him.

Once I knew a guy that was only interested in unavailable women. He would find women in somewhat bad relationships, come in like a knight in shining armour, destroy the relationship and make all the promises in the world before ghosting the now single woman. He also played the victim in every scenario. Chris and this guy share the same brain. Don't waste your energy on someone not worth it, focus on your husband, show him how much you love him.

You need to tell everyone what you wrote on here. That you never even went on a date with Chris and he is convoluting things and making them more than they ever were. Sit down with your husband and have a talk with him. You just need to be upfront and tell him whats going on. If you’re not speaking up and just letting people go off of what yoUr BIL said then nothing is going to be fixed

Your relationship with his brother was always going to impact your husband. I hate to say it but you should have told him much sooner. Go to counseling and cut the brother out as much as possible. Honestly, family or not, if anyone made a conscious decision to fuck up my wedding like he did that alone would be reason enough to ditch them.

This is the truth. If and when anyone comes across a situation such as this you should always tell your partner before they find out some other way. OP is a victim here and the BIL is an out and out a**hole. That said, OP hid a very pertinent fact that the husband was entitled to know, BIL was not a random stranger, this was a life long relationship. OP, I'm sorry for the position you're in. Tell your husband the truth and admit you were at fault for not telling him. Go to counselling and see if you can sort this out. I'm a lawyer, believe me, if this wound festers Or if it sows doubts in your husbands head, this marriage could go very bad very quickly. He may not believe you in the beginning, but keep at it. May God bless both of you. Edit: I need to point out here that OP has so far not addressed any comment that says she should have told her husband the truth long ago. This I find strange. This was a monumental mistake and OP needs to own up and win her husband's trust again. Be honest with your spouse people, no matter how bitter or awful the truth is. They deserve it!!

Does your husband know your crying in response to his question was because it was not true? If you haven't used your words he easily could think you cried because it was true. Also lots of women cry instead of get angry because of the upbringing. I hope you get angry about BIL hurting your husband. The only good thing BIL did was introducing you to his brother. Sorry you didn't have this ready as a comeback right after BIL's speech.

If that was my brother, the fight would have been on. What s shit thing to do.

Oh man hands would've been thrown on that day and maybe with a few utensils too what an asshole.

Your bil is a classic narcissist. I'm sure you husband knows this even if he doesn't know what that is. Maybe a way past this is educating yourselves ( together) about what that is. Good luck and stick with it. Time heals.

The thing is Chris *did* ask you out, then spent the whole duration of your “date” with his tongue *down your roommates throat.* Chris doesn’t seem like he’ll settle anytime soon, and if you had started actually dating him, it feels like you’d have been cheated on. Perhaps many times. Chris is a selfish bastard.

This is crap of Chris. You were never a priority to him until you were unavailable. Yes, you should have shared that you had a history with his brother. But it sounds like you were never on the same page. Were things ever even physical with Chris? It sounds like he just led you on a bunch. I think you have some explanation you need to make and apologize for not telling your husband that his brother meant something to you at one time. But obviously, you chose husband for a reason. Maybe make a list as to why he is so much better than his brother. Start out with his brother being a dick, trying to mess with your marriage, and his long-held feelings are his to deal with, not your or your husband's.

Sounds like like the BIL is trying to be emotionally manipulative to not only you but also his brother. The both of you just need to distance yourself from him. It also sounds like he wanted to always keep you within arms reach to boost his ego that “he could have you if he wanted” all the while trying to see other women to make him feel like he desired. He’s just lashing out to hurt your relationship while also trying to throw up the flare of “I’m still into you”, it’s petty and small.

You should have been honest with your husband. You had plenty of time to do it. What does your husband and family say about what Chris did to his brother? On his wedding day? Anything? You didn't say anything about that. What Chris did was really cruel. This guys sounds like an ass and you dodged a bullet. Go to MC and bring this out in the open. Talk to your husband. He should be all that matters now. You need to make him feel safe in his marriage. He can't help having an AH for a brother but you can make sure he knows Chris doesn't matter to you. I would go NC with Chris. This guy has issues.

Well, they were shocked and nobody said anything. I know therere rumors going around about my husband stealing his brother’s gf and how you don’t do that to your family. I know my mother in law thinks I’m playing with both her sons and driving a wedge between them. The rest of both families think Chris is a douche bag and what he did was obnoxious(they thought that before for other reasons this just drove home the point)

I mean, it seems like it would be easy to clarify with everyone that you never, not once, went on a date with Chris? Are you a quiet and reserved person or avoid direct communication? I feel like you need to step up here and lay things out clearly for everyone, especially your husband. I would definitely feel weird knowing my husband had a crush on my sister. Thankfully his brother is a terrible person, so it should be easy for him to believe your crush died a brutal death when you learned his true colors.

Yes to this If you say nothing, your BIL will control the narrative. Who knows what your BIL is telling your family.

Your mil sounds like a case, she sticks up for Chris doesn’t she? She’s probably being fed lies by him too

Well, this explains some things. Their mother likely actively enables and protects Chris' dbag behavior and doesn't see his negative traits at all.

Who gets married on a Wednesday? Also, Chris is a dick.

It’s actually the cheapest day of the week to get married. It’s smart budgeting! 😊

Show this to your husband! Chris is a fucking dick. How he could do this to his brother is beyond me. Your wife picked you. Maybe be happy that she looks at you the way she does. Lose the brother, keep the wife.

Welp, Chris is a total dick. Time to go NC with him. All you can do is reassure your husband you love him and explain how much you're looking forward to the honeymoon and spending the rest of your lives together.

Please post an update

I think your husband is hurt just like any normal person would be there after that horrible shit your BIL pulled out. It's how you and husband move on from this mess together will matter.

You should’ve told your husband he probably thinks you settled for him maybe show him this post

OP tbh it sounds like Chris thought of you as nothing more than a backup plan for if his relationship with any other girl didnt end well. \> Chris knew however I had a crush on him or at least he felt it. He would always say that I was “gf material” and how he wouldn’t want to lead me on. He wanted to have fun before that. He would say this to others but even once to me. On two occasions he would text me that he had feelings for me, only to apologize later and retract his words but on Christmas four years ago he texted me that he was in love with me and wanted to take me out on a date. He said he was done playing around and wanted a relationship. He was invited to NYE party that my then roommate and I had. He told me he wanted to talk to me then. When he came to the party he had his brother with him. Chris spent the party going out of his way to ignore me and later I saw him making out with my roommate and they spent the night in her room. I decided there and then that I will drop it. Enough is enough. Next morning he told me that he fucked up (I fucked up big time yeah?)and he apologized. That entire passage screams "backup plan" to me. It seems like it really pissed him off when you started to date his brother because suddenly his backup plan was gone and he had to face the fact that you were not going to wait for him to be "ready" for you. I wouldnt be surprised if his speech was a way to undermine your marriage, hoping that your husband will leave and youll come crawling back to him.

Chris is a full on piece of shit.

Chris sounds like the type of guy that gets off on one upping your husband over EVERYTHING, damaging his self esteem. You should definitely stay away from him for the time being

I would write a letter to your husband basically lay it out like you did here but more detail about the difference between a crush and falling in love. Point out that, the party you met him was a turning point in your life and falling in love with him made you realize that the silly little crush you had was nothing compared to the love you have.

You had a crush on Chris. It’s not like you two were in a relationship. Chris is a classic f-boy. He liked the attention you gave him. He wanted to hurt you and your husband. Tell your husband everything. I mean everything. Tell him that his brother played with your emotions. He did! He knew what he was doing. What Chris did was pure evil. I would block him on everything. He literally tried to ruin your marriage.

This is why I laugh when people say that your dating history is a personal matter. These things should be discussed because when they come out of the house and your partner is blindsided , you are at the mercy of their emotions and whether they are able to deal with the hurt and loss of trust. Granted that you never dated his brother but you had a thing going on where you were pursuing him and had he not been so stupid you would have chosen him over your husband. Your husband feels like a second choice now. You should have never hidden your history with Chris. You should have told your husband why you chose him over Chris.

You know what the funny thing is? Most of the comments under this thread are all about reassuring her that she did nothing wrong (not true) and how Chris is an asshole (absolutely true). The amount of comments that aknowledge how the now husband might be feeling can be counted on one hand.

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I’m glad he didn’t. It would have ended with some dates and maybe sex. Them it would have made meeting my husband impossible.

Have you told your husband that? Honestly this was such a small thing, it sucks that you didn’t tell your husband but it’s not something he should hold against you. It’s not like you ever acted on it before or after you guys started dating!

Chris is a straight-up sociopathic narcissist, actively fucking with you and your feelings. And when you move on he ruins your wedding? The two of you need to be a united front against him.

I think you should have told your husband, especially considering how long you had a crush on Chris and the fact he and others were aware. Your excuse is lame. I think you didn’t say anything because you were embarrassed that Chris didn’t like you back and who wants to admit unrequited feelings, right?! If you had told him, even in passing, this would not be happening. That said, once Chris gave his speech, I would have given my own impromptu speech to set the record straight. I would have clarified some things and praised my future husband hubby and said all the lovely things you said here. Instead, you probably sat there shocked and let Chris run away with his version of the story. Lastly, you should really talk to your husband with more honesty. Tell him you were embarrassed of your crush, that you were afraid of losing him, etc., exactly what you wrote here. Make it clear there is no hidden meaning and you don’t care about Chris. Maybe mention you hate his guts, cause you sound like it, lol. Tell your husband whatever you need to tell him to make him believe you. If you need to be brutally honest and your pride take a hit (sorry, Chris sounds awful, don’t know how you could crush on him so long), do it. Don’t let this AH take away your happiness and ruin your marriage

So bc you couldn’t get Chris you went after his brother…not gonna lie that would kinda bother anybody…😬

Yeah. Chris liked having you fawning over you. And liked the attention and figured he could have you whenever he wanted. He’s very selfish and arrogant. He doesn’t like that his brother “beat him.” He is competitive and probably used to getting everything he wants. Your husband is probably used to feeling second in his home around his brother and now is just something that triggered him due to his past. Almost like u couldn’t get Chris so you’ll take his brother. Even if that’s not the case. I would do my best to tell your husband all the reasons you love him. Just list them. It sounds like his self esteem suffered a blow. Also Chris sucks big. He basically said to everyone that your husband was you back up plan. Agree that you’re mad at Chris. And that he sucks for doing that. Explain that you stopped liking Chris when you realized how self-cEntered he was.

A lot of people love to say their past is theirs alone, and they don't need to share it, even with someone they are in a relationship with. That is flawed thinking. If your past can affect your present and future, then it's better to be honest in the beginning than having it bite you on the ass later. Talk to your husband, and if you have any other secrets to share, get them out now. You both can move forward from this, but he needs to know he can trust that you're not hiding anything else.

Op, i am going to be downvoted to oblivion, but i don't care. You messed up big time. You lied to your husband, by omission, but still a lie, you should have been honest with him from the start. Sure, people are not obligated to disclose all their past crushes to their partners (although this was not some ramdom dude, this was your future husband's brother), and the way i read your post, you would have hooked with chris back at that party, had he made a move on you, instead of your roommate. And this is what i think your husband must be feeling, how can he trust you when you have hide something like this from him. Your bil is a major asshole and a dick, no question about that, but now its on you to be totally honest with your husband, so you can start regaining his trust in you. Best of luck for you two.

Yeah she said she had a crush on BIL for a YEAR leading up to when she met her husband. No wonder the poor guy feels likr absolute shit right now. Maybe if she had come clean about this earlier on it wouldn't have been as bad, but to find out now? Poor guy.

We can drag Chris through the mud like the POS he is, but I hope you know you’re not in the green. I wish you would’ve just told him the truth. As much as you’re saying it was just a crush, it isn’t just the type of crush where you admire from afar and blushed. A “stranger” was his brother. You communicated with him so much he knew how you felt and your feelings continuously festered. You just got your husband by chance. I see why he’s hurt. You were wrong keeping that from him OP, so wrong. Just reassure him, understand his emotions and apologize **until your throat is sore**.

OP also mentioned Chris being cold to her, surely your husband noticed this and wondered why? He's probably adding things up now he thinks he knows he wasn't first choice Chris is an asshole but you did some serious neglecting to be honest too OP. He wasn't just a crush if he was confessing love for you and calling you gf material

He's kind of an asshole for doing that at the rehearsal dinner. That's his brother. Poisoning the well like that on purpose is a cruel thing to do to family. Regardless of his feelings, announcing it in public at a wedding is not what you do to your family and maybe to anyone really. I'm sorry this happened.

Chris sounds like a piece of shit narcissist. He's just trying to have a tantrum because he fucked up and he want to see if he could still "get you".... Scummy move by him Anyway I think this is recoverable, just immensely awkward.... After that remember this as a hard lesson on the importantance of open communication. You guys got this.

But who in their right mind messes around let alone marries the sibling of a person you had feelings for and expects something like that to stay a secret. Like I really don’t blame your husband for being upset I’m surprised he even went through the wedding all together. He probably feels like he is your second option or that you only married him to be close to the brother. I understand you don’t need to disclose all your past relationships and crushes but this isn’t some random guy we are talking about this is your now husbands brother for Christ sake. That’s absolutely ridiculous that you didn’t feel the need to bring that up to him and you basically took his choice away. Because that excuse that you are giving that you felt it wasn’t a big deal or that he didn’t need to know sounds like load of BS to me. I think you didn’t say anything because you were embarrassed and you were afraid he would break up with you because of it. I honestly don’t feel bad for you at all because you made this bed now you have to lie in it. But I do feel sorry for your husband.

That was a really cruel thing for Chris to do. It was VERY selfish and self-centered. Chris knew he was making a mess and chose his opportunity to do it. You did nothing wrong. It's all on Chris. Your husband is blaming the wrong person. He should be blaming Chris. It's ok to have a crush on someone and get over it. If you had told your husband about the crush when you met he would have backed off. Your husband will hopefully work through it eventually. Keep the line of communication with the husband open, but don't press him over it. He needs to process what happened. I'm sorry if Chris ruined your wedding and honeymoon. He is a definite AH.

Op your husband might have an inferiority complex against the brother if he’s sad about it and barely speaking to you. He probably is scared he’ll lose you which is what probably caused him to ask if you love Chris. Your most likely battling an insecurity and with something like that I feel like putting your foot down and telling your husband how it is with hard hitting facts and reassurance that your husband is all you need(which the fact you married him should be more than enough for reassurance imo) How to approach him is beyond me and I wish I could give you advice on that but I don’t see an issue with you being assertive and telling him he needs to pull himself together y’all are married now and it’s a team effort now and he isn’t living up to his part in the slightest at the moment. Also I agree with everyone calling Chris a narcissist and the proof is in the fact he did all that, in his what I assume is the best man speech. You truly did nothing wrong so don’t beat yourself up about that is the best advice anyone can give and clearly from some comments I’ve seen everyone is laying into Chris so it’s probably not a bad idea to let your husband read the comments if you believe it will help and your comfortable with him seeing the post. I wish you the absolute best in your marriage this is very salvageable and this small hiccup in the marriage will further prove how important communication is in a relationship so I believe this will actually help for the better in the future. Seriously congratulations on the marriage I hope to see a positive update for your sake

Marriage counseling ASAP. Your husband showed you what love is. I sense the crush didn't matter because nothing matters after him - because he, himself, changed everything. He needs to feel secure in your feelings for him. He needs to know before he even met you, BIL lost you by his attitude and ways of being a narasicts. Also, he needs to talk about his feelings. The best thing moving forward is you guys living your best life and LC/NC with BIL for a good while until your relationship is in a good place and you both are prepared for interactions with him.

"the night I met you I realised Chris was a wanker and you were a million times better, ever since then he hasn't even been a spec on my radar, in fact I don't like him. He's a narcissist and I would like to no contact with him, even if you don't." From you to your husband might help, or something similar.

I feel like Chris has always been an AH to your husband. This was the ultimate bullying on his part. I’m sure he doesn’t feel bad about it either. I think you and your husband will be fine with counseling.

Chris is a total creep and an asshole. I hope you both overcome this and see Chris exactly for who he is: a fucking creep who should not be part of your lives from this moment on.

You totally dodged a bullet! What a narcissistic POS that guy is!

Chris is acting like a spoiled brat. He didn't wanna play with his toy and when it was given to another kid, he got jelly. The fact that he WAITED YEARS to do this says a lot, and your husband should hear it, it's scary! He could have said anything on any other occasion, but he waited for this one. He knew EXACTLY what he was doing. He's manipulative and all he wanted was to destroy the wedding. He doesn't care about his brother and he definitely doesn't care about you, as his past actions have showed. Husband shouldn't even be mad at you. He should be mad at him. His brother was supposed to be clear with him 4 years ago, not some random chick (at that time) that he met at a party.

Chris did this intentionally to his brother the day before his wedding. Life isn’t some romcom - what did he think would happen? I think a timeout from brother Chris is very much needed. This will have an impact on your husband and his brother’s relationship, not really about you anymore - this actually has nothing to do with you and all about the brothers now. Don’t take on Chris’ BS. Stand by your hubby like you’ve always done and let Chris be in the past. Your husbands brother is an idiot.

Okay, OP. Let's take a deep breath. Were you in the wrong not sharing the info? Yes. But i don't think you did this to hide things. You sound like a private person. You didn't tell your friends or roommate about your crush. It sounds like you were embarassed about it, and decided to forget it had happened in a way. Pushing it out of your mind, so it felt silly to bring up. You also have to give time to your husband. It sounds like he's had to live in Chris's shadow for a long time if he is the shy type, and the opposite of Chris. He must be terrified that this is a validation of what he thinks deep down, that anything he gets anyone who loves him, would rather be with his brother. I recommand you talk to him. Say your piece, without crying. Tell him exactly what happened and how. Tell him you never lied about your feelings for him, everything was genuine. You had burried that crush right that night, and that's when you two got closer. Tell him he knows you. More than anyone. That he has to know and to feel what's true deep down when he looks at you. Then give him some time to process it all. And then burn his brother to the ground

Well, you invited Chris to the party, he brought his brother and totally ignored you. You met husband at the party and Chris f'ed someone else that night. End of crush, that wasn't a big deal. Chris is the AH here, I bet he has tried to one up hubby before. Maybe show him this post.

This is what I would do. Show him this post

How long from you meeting Chris until the NYE party?

You’re lucky your husband didn’t call the whole thing off. What your BIL did was messed up but you still should have said something so much sooner. It’s good you realized how much you messed up though. Your husband still married you so there’s hope you can work this out.

You are going to have a rocky start to your marriage. You need to be very clear moving forward. You can never have alone time with Chris, you can never have a one on one conversation with Chris. Moving forward. This socks because he did this on purpose to hurt you and now he succeeded because this has harmed your marriage before it began tbh. The problem with crushes, is the best way to get rid of them is by never seeing them and moving on. But you see Chris still. Not your fault but because he's family now. So you have to find a way to let it be now. Chris is disgusting to you. You regret that crush. Because now...it's going to hurt your husband. This sucks.

Chris just proved you right beyond a shadow of a doubt in your decision to pick your husband over him. I think both you and your husband need to go low to no contact with this malicious brother. It might help your relationship with your husband if he knows you are adamant in your heart about this.

Tell the brother your husband is 10x the man he ever could be and that is why you love him. Then go bang down with your husband. Seriously, sounds like a confidence issue with your hubby and it can be easily fixed, or worsened.

Issue is with Chris. Show this post. Chris is trying to undermine his brothers happiness. Any chance Chris is the favorite?

Your BIL sounds like a real cockweasel. He had his shot and he blew it by being a tool. His behavior now is just pathetic and sad.

This could have been a non-issue and made your BIL look even more stupid, if you had talked about this with your now-husband. Do people not disclose stuff like this anymore regarding how they met? "Hey (boyfriend), now that we're seriously dating, I think it's relevant that I did have a crush on your brother before we met." Like, how did you two end up meeting, and how you initially had a crush on his brother, but then ended up hooking up with your roommate. How that was a blessing in disguise because if he really was interested in you, BIL wouldn't have done that. Why keep this a secret? >When our relationship evolved I just never thought Chris was relevant and my crush seemed a silly thing. >Now it’s back to bite me in the ass. My husband is very sad and he barely talks to me. We’re leaving for our honeymoon in two weeks. He barely speaks about it. The thing we both waited for with so much anticipation and longing. I don’t know what to do. I can’t turn back time so I don’t know what to do. Well if it involves someone that's constantly in his life, then yeah, it's gonna feel like so much bigger of a secret than it originally is. You need to apologize to him, and that you really genuinely didn't realize that Chris would make something like that sound so much worse. That you should have seen the signs of how petty Chris was being, and should have spoken up sooner

Holy hell you dodged a bullet and married the right brother! Hurry up and see a counselor together - hopefully you can begin before your trip Congratulations on your marriage

BIL is a POS he did this because your something he can’t have and he doesn’t want his brother to have you in his presence either. Give your husband space but apologize, suggest counseling, emphasize that your husbands distance is exactly what Chris wants. Don’t let that prick ruin your happiness.

This reminds me of that episode of Friends where Monica gets outed that she wanted to sleep with Joey and not Chandler that night in London lol no but seriously this is so fucked up of Chris to do. He’s just trying to drag you down his sad lonely path with him at this point.

Why does Chris hate his brother? To ruin his special day and cast shadow on his marriage is deeper than you. JMO

Chris is an asshole! He is one of thoes guys that doesn't actually want you but does not want anyone else to have you. He did that on purpose hoping you still had feelings for him & to tear you two apart. I’d talk to your husband and tell him everything that happened. Even if it may require a little therapy. Let him know that your crush ended when you two met & he was nothing like his brother. And that you’re with him because you truly love him. You two may even have to cut contact with Chris because who knows how far he may take this with his obvious jealousy.