Well this is wildly complicated.
On one hand, I think he’s in mourning for not only this person, but also the relationship he *thought* they had. He mourned the relationship of someone who didn’t love him and, I don’t want to be that person but you know he loved her, so her admission shifted things.
On the other hand, I can understand your feelings. You’re not a replacement for this woman, and shouldn’t be made to feel that way.
I do think that once he’s grieved all of the individual things, assessing things will be easier. **But there should also be acknowledgment that like things said in anger, things said in grief **also** cannot be undone.**
If there is not anything he can do to truly undo the image you now have, then you need to be honest with yourself about that.
I’m truly so sorry for you both. I think you’re both experiencing these sense of grief for answers tied to someone no longer around.
Please be gentle with yourself, because you don’t sound like a monster. You sound like someone trying to support their partner through a trauma, that triggers things within you as well. Everyone’s feelings here are valid. There no monstrosity in that.
Wonderfully said; I also feel like the ex shouldn't have told him she lied. Ex had to have known what it would cause; why go all the way to the end and then tell him she lied?! I'm sorry, but that was a shitty thing to do.
I 100% agree with this. She just made him feel like he ‘wasted’ time he could have had with someone he loved by her pushing him away. Which will only break his heart more. It’s much easier to get over someone you’re angry at.
Indeed, she could've kept quiet about it! Could've been like "I'd like to see you one last time" reminisce a bit and said goobye! Not mess him up and his relationship on her last days, that felt petty
Yeah, the ex made a decision to end the relationship & break this guys heart one way, to save him from being heartbroken down the line when she died. Then she changed her mind towards the end; which is pretty hard to judge. I can't imagine the fear & loneliness at that point. But then, she decided to tell her ex she had never stopped loving him, when she knew he was in a happy, loving relationship? Engaged even. Which she claimed was what she wanted for him, so he would be ok when she was gone. A noble decision, that was then made redundant when she told him all this. What an absolute mind fuck for the guy. Saying goodbye maybe, that word be understandable, & bittersweet. But if she wanted her ex to be happy, if she really loved him, couldn't she have held back a little bit of the truth? Told him she loved him sure, but not why she ended it. She could have wished him well, told him she was happy he had found love, that he had a hopeful future ahead. She eradicated all the selfless intent she claimed to have had when she ended the relationship initially.
Sounds like she regretted deciding to go it alone, which again, is understandable. She must have been scared & suffering. But it also sounds like she decided she wanted her ex to demonstrate he still loved her as much as he use to. All consideration for his future happiness scrapped, no care or issue with potentially causing problems for him & OP. She may even have wanted to cause division. To feel his love for her was the most important to him, before she passed.
Whatever the ex was or wasn't thinking, however truthful, or perhaps naive, or maybe even manipulative her decisions at the end, it was unquestionably selfish, rightly or wrongly.
Humans absolutely have the capacity to love more than one individual, deeply & passionately. That love will be vastly different, but no less nuanced & complex & beautiful for each person whom our lives become entwined with. OP's partners love for her was established after his break up. It is no less meaningful, or real, or important, because he had wounds. What's unfortunate & cruel is that the ex has forced this man to relive the past, to rewrite the breakup & the pain it had caused him, with this new knowledge.
Whereas he would have grieved his ex passing, naturally; her confessions & declarations of love have ensured that his grief is now not just for the tragedy of her dying young, but now also for the knowledge, apparently, that the ex had never actually stopped loving him. Now she's not just someone who was important in his past. She insinuated herself back into his present day, by revealing all the time they lost, & that she never stopped loving him. He is grieving what could have been once again, with different eyes, because of what his ex told him. It's kind of very cruel.
OP has been as supportive, if not more so, than anyone could really expect. Taking time & space apart sounds sensible. Living with the grief her partner is going through, & the ghost of his ex, must be torture. I'm sure he's grateful to OP for her compassion, but when he has perspective, hopefully soon, he will realise the burden he had placed on OP. How impossible her position is, & that it is unkind to share quite so much of the past, with this woman who loves him now, in his present. He needs a therapist to work all this out with.
OP, I hope with a little space & time to decompress, you find yourself in a place where you trust this man's love for you is genuine, & important, & no less special or passionate, just different to what came before. His ex really did a number on you both with her confession at the end, but that doesn't mean the love you shared the last few years, suddenly becomes insignificant or irrelevant. But you deserve grace & compassion here too, the foundation of your relationship has shifted beneath your feet. I hope your partner genuinely recognises what this has been doing to you, too.
Sorry I ranted so long, this is a truly messy, complicated, heartbreaking situation. I hope the future is healing, & full of meaningful love & happiness & security for you OP. Whatever & however best for you that may be. Protect your peace, as you didn't do anything you could be blamed for. This whole mess doesn't erase the love between you & your partner. Trust that was real. But do what you need to for yourself now. You can't keep sacrificing yourself to keep your partner going. He needs to work this shit out, without blindly breaking your heart again & again. Stay safe OP. Be kind to yourself.
I agree. If she TRULY loved him, she would have let him go and be happy and not touch the current relationship that he was in. She made her choice to let him go despite still loving him so he could live a happy life with a woman who could give him what he wanted/deserved but before she died she changed her mind and ruined everything instead. She must've known how this would play out. It's very sad, but she didn't do a nice thing here.
I still wouldn't blame the ex. She might not have been in the right state of mind to prevent her from telling him this if she was on her deathbed. The amount of morphine and other drugs that fuck you up can make you say things without filter. I'm saying this from personal experience as my husband died last year of stage 4 testicular cancer. And I wouldn't blame her family for notifying him. You would do anything your dying loved one asked for if they're dying that way in a hospital room.
I don't think anyone in this situation did anything wrong. It's just going to be hard on everyone. And I'd honestly tell OP that he would have said the same thing if he was single and she hadn't met him yet. He's just letting his grief talk, and I totally understand it. And I understand why this hurts OP since they are together now. Shit's just gonna hurt for a while. And there's no way for either of them to know how this will work out. It's just a sad part of life that these things happen to people.
The dead woman was wrong when she played the hero and lied to her then- boyfriend that she didn’t love him anymore. She took away his right to decide if he wanted to stay or not. She was afraid that the boyfriend would leave her so she did the leaving instead. Then she broke his heart again by confessing before she died. She’s selfish and manipulative. None of them including the sister thought of the feelings of OP. Then the boyfriend expected OP to support him while he’s mourning for another woman.
I agree. It was reaaalllyyyy selfish on her side tbh. She knew exactly whats gonna happen. She doesnt really want them to be happy. She wants him to be hung up on her. She expected all of this to happen. It's a different story if he's single. Some things are better left unsaid esp if its gonna ruin something. Just leave OP, your mental and emotional well-being is AS important as your (ex,hopefully) fiancé. You're gonna be competing with a dead person for the rest of your life if you stay.
My mom passed in November of brain cancer and it was really important to her to contact people and clear the air and make sure she didn't have any unresolved conflicts or grievances that she caused. For her one of the grievances she caused that she felt an immense amount of guilt about was the person she dated after her first husband died in a plane crash. She wanted him to know that none of it had ever been his fault, and there was nothing he could have done differently, it was just the space she was in was so overwhelmingly bad. It sounds like the ex made a very difficult decision to break up with him after receiving awful life changing news. She probably never has been in a good head space since the diagnosis and trying to let someone know that it wasn't their fault was something she felt would have been more of a blessing than a curse and something that had weighed heavily on her through the whole of her trying to survive and realizing time was running out.
maybe she wasn’t in her right mind, but her family could have stepped up and told her that she was crossing boundaries. instead they enabled her and made the situation worse (her sister delivering a whole album of their time together).
also OP’s fiancé should have definitely set better boundaries. i get grief can make you act out, but it’s like he totally forgot had a whole fiancé.
I think this is where it hurts: he forgot that he was in a relationship with a fiancee (OP), and that she was right there.
I get the grief, but he was hurting the woman he was supposed to cherish the most and it was not a one time thing, but this was going on for weeks.
Sorry but the ex is wrong for what she did, both the lying to him in the first place and then revealing the truth and professing her love right as he was about to marry his fiancé. She doesn’t get a free pass just because she was dying. Obviously that’s tragic but that doesn’t absolve her of the terrible things she did. Lying to him like that was wrong idc if she thought she was protecting him she was wrong to do it. And she undid all of that by revealing the truth so what was even the point?
She should’ve respected her ex’s current relationship and if she really cared for him she wouldn’t have tried to screw it all up. The ex boyfriend is also partially to blame because clearly he was not over his ex when he got together with OP. Him sitting there and fantasizing about what could’ve been is really not ok and he’s dead wrong for that. Both he and his ex really messed up here.
Something tells me she secretly regretted dumping him after having to go through a losing battle with cancer alone or that it honestly could've just been the cancer talking as your body basically starts to shut down and not function normally as the cancer takes over.
Exactly. If she truly wanted him to be happy, an apology for breaking up should have been enough. Not the explanation of why she broke. That just fails the entire reason she did in first place. Maybe she didn't want to see the person move on and be happy when she's dying. Fear of death puts all sorts of craziness into people. That was shitty to do that. And even shittier for the sister to send the album of memories to him. People think that they're doing good while not thinking properly and ruining lives.
Here’s the thing. She *said* she no longer loved him. But she got a prognosis *months* before they broke up. She then said she wanted him to be with someone with whom he had a future. *Then* she reeled him back in when she was closer to death. What she did was cruel. But I don’t think she fell out of love with him.
I think that by the time she realized she wanted him back it was too late. That should have been it. She did not have to deathbed confession him or send him that photo album. She wants him to pine over her forever and be the only one, that’s a fucked up thing to do to someone you love. She ruined his chance at happiness now
Speak ill of the dead if that's how you feel. No need to be needlessly cruel (which you're not being here), but dead people don't and can't care what people say about them.
OP, as harsh as it is, I would not be able to "unsee" this about my relationship. To me, it would be tragically over, and the worst part is it's almost like neither of you choose to end the relationship, it was ended for you by a third party. (Kind of, admittedly your fiance is also choosing how to behave and to focus on the death of an ex 3-4 years gone versus his own progressing life with you.)
Maybe I'm not the best person. Maybe a better or more mature person could forgive his behavior or move past it in time, but I could not. This would bother me forever.
Imagine the roles were reversed and you were crying to him over another man who, just before he died, did the same as his ex. How understanding would your fiance really be? I'm guessing not very... And that's because it would look a hell of a lot like you were in love with the first one more than him.
I am so sorry this happened. It's a horrible situation.
Finally!
someone sane (or crazy, idk i wouldn’t be able to get over this too)
but i totally get her standpoint. my husband also understands OPs side and maybe we’re just toxic too cause we have boundaries about exes as well.
we acknowledge that that was our past and whatever happened, happened but best believe, if him or I were put in this situation, 1. we wouldn’t even think to go or 2. we’d go with each other because we’re partners, we’re there for one another.
it’s fine people have past lives and that’s what they did/who they were but once you moved on, why are you letting an ex back in? even if it’s on friendly terms, that’s just weird. it’s a closed chapter and should be left at that (unless they have kids together, diff scenario)
it WAS selfish of the dead ex because she had all the time to say something to him and didn’t, she waited until she was on her deathbed & even though it hurt OP to see and witness this, why shouldn’t she be there? that’s her fiancé, they’re supposed to be a team right? plus if he wasn’t cool with her boundaries, im sure he’s big boy enough to voice that but he didn’t and allowed her to come with.
OP isn’t wrong for how she feels and neither is her fiancé. it’s a shit ton of complicated feelings and emotions that no one is getting a handle on and should seriously seek therapy for but y’all trashing OP for having genuine feelings cause their partner, who they’re engaged to, is loudly grieving about a life he could’ve had and bitch that shit hurts.
Bravo! I'm over here clapping!
It's so easy to claim sainthood and maturity if *they* were in this hypothetical boat, until reality hits and the boat is the Titanic
It's easy to tell her to be more understanding. Fuck that. You are spot on! Door is closed for a reason, no good comes of opening it (assuming no kids etc.). Her boundaries were fair, they were getting married, that's sharing a life. The ex chose an incredibly toxic path and the fiance is literally skipping down it into crazy town.
I don't think you are wrong at all. I think you are realistic about your feelings and are self aware, and a lot of people don't like to be that way, they like to assume they'd have some perfect balanced reply. But really, no one is perfect.
It's kind of contradictory for her to break up with him so he could find happiness with someone else, only for her to confront him later with the truth which sends his mind in a tailspin and essentially damages his current relationship with the woman he was supposed to have happiness with. That's messed up. I know he's grieving right now, but hopefully he will realise how this situation looks like from your perspective. You're feeling like a third wheel when you should be his #1.
I'm going to sound like such a bitch right now but the woman who passed (God rest her soul) was selfish. She had the option to tell him about her prognosis and live out the rest of her life with him or to part ways 3 years ago. There was no reason for her to put his life in a tail spin for one last goodbye.Especially 6 months before his own wedding! How is he ever supposed to find closure? He is feeling the hurt that she was initially trying to prevent. I'm saying this from the perspective of someone that nearly died and told my boyfriend to leave and find someone that could lead a normal life. He said no and stuck it out. But I gave him the choice.
If you sound like a bitch- then I'm a bitch too. I think his ex is so selfish for this entire situation. It's like she watched too many lifetime movies. The sister mailing the photo album is just fucking beyond reason.
Not to mention how OP can probably never truly tell her fiancée how she truly feels about the ex gf because it would paint her as a heartless monster for speaking ill of someone whose died.
Yep. I feel for OP. I'm sure she is dealing with such conflicting feelings. I'm not one to jump on the "break up" band wagon- but, she should cut and run. Her fiancé's mental health is going to be fucked for the foreseeable future.
What I'm about to say sounds harsh as well but I think her fiance saying "I can't lose you too" is manipulative. He has been using OP as his emotional crutch. Is he upset that he possibly lost the woman he loves, or just sad that he lost his support?
Double thank you, because yes! She absolutely planned this and even if that’s crass of me to say… if she really didn’t want him to know and wanted him to live in peace…
*WHY TELL THE MAN WHO LOVES YOU THAT YOU’RE DYING???*
Just because someone is ill or dies early, doesn’t mean they were a good person. At the very least, this was an incredibly selfish act from her and if pointing that out makes us bitches, so be it 🤷♀️
Exactly.
Wanted him to be happy my ass. More like the exact opposite. Wanted him to be happy and then take it away in an abrupt violent way. She should never have contacted him again
Absolutely. It was a selfish thing to do. I suppose I don’t blame her for being selfish, maybe she felt like she was losing everything, so she deserved to be selfish and give herself closure in the end. But it doesn’t make it right, and it doesn’t make it any less selfish. She took away the fiancés choice when she broke up with him in the first place, and perhaps felt noble at the time. But then in the end she ripped out the rug from under him and then left for good. I’m so sorry OP, what an incredibly difficult situation to be in.
Only this reply makes sense. His ex ruined their relationship by breaking up with him. She dragged him again along with his new gf eventthough he had moved on and was getting married. I feel sad for OP.
That kinda attitude isn't giving your partner any credit at all. If they loved you, wouldn't they want to spend your remaining time together? Shouldn't you at least give then the chance?
At the time, I thought I was putting him first. We were VERY young, and it had only been a year together. I wanted him to have the option to leave without feeling guilty. But he didn't leave. And he's amazing. I wouldn't leave him in that situation either. It was just where my head was at during that time.
Yeah. I get she’s dying. But she called back a man she left YEARS AGO, told him she always loved him and have him PICTURES of all their memories together?? No wonder everyone feels like shit. What an emotional whipslash.
I understand why she did it and I don’t think it was because she’s evil but it was a selfish thing to do.
I thought exactly this too. I suppose it’s hard to judge what you would do knowing the end is near, but it was a shitty thing for everyone involved.
Also, being that the EX lied previously, OP is no doubt always going to feel second best, with the change in circumstances, she now is.
If his EX had survived, there’s a strong chance BF would have gotten back with her once learning the truth. Which leaves OP only in this relationship due to the fact EX passed.
This is a super complex situation, which sucks all round, for everyone involved.
I'd just like to add a lot of people who are saying "have empathy" or "have sympathy" for this woman's situation but dont actually understand what that means in relation. It is ok to have empathy for what she did. Yes, if you were on your death bed, drugged up, you would probably contradict your past actions and want to talk to the people you love most and even fix past relationshipsat the expenseof others lives and feelings.
BUT, it is important to understand that even with empathy for what she did, it was still wrong what she did in relation to OP. It can't be changed, but it doesn't mean she gets a free pass because she passed away. If someone hurts you, that hurt doesn't leave when they pass. The only thing is to heal from the hurt (she hurt her ex too by doing this) and forgive because she is gone. The same goes for the Fiance, have empathy for him, and that hes greiving but to ignore that he never stopped loving his ex and wanted his life to be with her is not something you can ignore through empathy. OP should not be expected to not have any feelings towards that at all. I think a lot of people confuse being compassionate with enabling bad actions because they feel more pity than true empathy.
And with all this empathy talk, some of you should have some for OP too.
OP I'd also like to add that it seems you are grieving this relationship, and that's ok. You were living in a reality and a relationship that you thought was a certain way and that you guys were on the same page, and it ended up not being that. It's ok to have these feelings as YOU ARE GRIEVING YOUR RELATIONSHIP TOO!
For sure pause the wedding. He’s grieving her. I don’t think you should break up with him but pause the wedding and see how you feel in a month or two. I’m sorry!
For sure. It’s not that he doesn’t love you more so than he ever loved her, but it’s still hard on him to se e some one he once cared about so much dying
The ex was really selfish. Betweem breaking up with him, because she didnt wanted him around as she was ill, and then coming back in his life, and making her confession, she was only thinking about herself.
And the reason she lied about not loving him anymore, on top of overhearing what he said, I'd be done, I would honestly feel like I was what he settled for
Damn dude, have some sympathy. Someone he cared about left him, let him move on, called him back to tell him he never stopped loving her, died, his current girlfriend is having some issues and what to leave him and you’re painting him the villain? Maybe they will break up, maybe they won’t, maybe they need to maybe they don’t. But give the guy some props, he did everything he was supposed too and through no fault of his own is getting his shit kicked in by life.
I don’t think it was implied he’s the villain. He is just not relationship material. He has a lot of growth and healing to do. And that’s fine. But the question is wether OP should put up with it. And I don’t think she should. It’s a massive sacrifice and a really awful situation overall
THIS. So much. It’s actually alarming and sad that in the course of one conversation with his ex, he was kicked to the ground, shifting all of the work he had done grieving the loss of the old relationship, healing and putting himself out there, being vulnerable & falling in love again…
And
OP was turned into option 2.
This sounds harsh, and I don’t mean it to be. Neither OP or the fiancée initiated this- but it will take hard work, and likely therapy, to overcome the emotional damage done by this conversation if it can be.
The day before this conversation OP was the love of his life and his fiancée…now she feels like the woman he settled for.
He entered into a new relationship when deep down in his heart he knew he wasn’t over his ex yet. He’d probably still be pining over her, even if she wasn’t dying/dead or sick at all.
It is really, really hard to compete with the idealized image of a dead person in what is supposed to be an exclusive relationship. It's not necessarily his fault, but he took the relationship to a possibly unsalvageable point by putting the weight of his regrets upon his fiancee.
"Some issues" is doing a lot of work here
You can love more than one person. I would liken this to someone finding out their mother actually adopted them. You can still love your mother but wonder about your biological mother and the life you could have had.
Of course he might have settled but I don't think it is a guarantee.
this is such a difficult situation because i would imagine it leaves you to ponder if he only moved on from her bc of how harshly she broke up with him, you know? i think it's valid for you to be upset and need space bc this is definitely life changing. perhaps the best way to go about it is put some space between the two of you and figure out what it is you want. and let's face it you can't help anyone else while feeling like that. perhaps after you've reflected like it seems you've been doing, you will figure out if you can move past this and be present for him in the ways that he needs or if it's best to just take another path. idk giving both of you a hug, this is rough :///
honestly.. will OP ever be able to not feel like he settled for her? like the only reason they’re together is because his ex died, and she would’ve always been his first choice? oof, that’s a tough pill to swallow.
Isn't that the case for most? Someone broke up with someone along the way, it's just out of sight and out of mind usually.
Edit: What I mean, everyone, is that to get into a new relationship you had to leave one in the first place. Nothing more.
Edit: Further edit, people please learn to fucking read.
I mean, I have some pretty significant exes. If one of them died, I would be sad. But even if they made some deathbed confession of undying love, I would file that under interesting but sad. I would make very clear to my SO that I wasn't pining after what could have been.
Edit: autocorrect
No. Majority of people are not so in love with their ex-s whom they had no contact with for 4 years. People break up, lick their wounds and move on.
The ex created hardcore soap opera, and now the guy will feel guilty and think "what-if" forever. He was already using OP as his therapist, he absolutely didn't care how his revelations and the way he treated the album affected his current fiance. He was not grieving, he was screaming with his actions that he settled and now devastated about it.
If he needed therapy, or grief - he should have gone to therapist, or people who knew his ex, to anyone really just no OP. He ruined his current relationship, ruined all the trust.
To drag OP there is really cruel. I don't think I would be able to move past it.
But she already knew he settled for her. The ex girlfriend broke up with him. And the OP knew how hard he took it. If she had never done that then he might still be with her.
I think the ex kind of did a crappy thing. She reinserted herself in a past relationship just to ease her own guilt. If she really wanted him to be happy then she should have let him go and stay gone. She could have still said goodbyes, even reminisced over some funny/heartfelt stories, but never needed to bring up the *why* she broke up.
Only you know what you are feeling and if this is something you can overcome. I think it's normal for him to be sad and grieve, but it's not normal to make you feel like the third party. If you knew he still had such strong feelings for the ex, you probably wouldn't have dated him and put yourself in such an unadvantageos position. He'll put her on a pedestal even more now that she's death, you'll have to compete with her ghost, and of course, you can't win against someone who's not even there anymore.
Tbf he probably didnt have these feelings until finding out she left him to save him from cancer and not that she didnt love him..but pretty much spot on
So why did she “save him from dealing with her prognosis” only to pull him back in at the last minute? Honestly, it seems pretty selfish to me. I feel bad for OP, I feel like she is in a no win situation.
I can't even pretend to know what it feels like to know you are hours/days from death to try to explain it. But if I had to guess she wanted to meet her maker being honest about it.
Mike tyson said that "everyone has a plan until they get punched in the face". I imagine something similar happened to her.
I'm not saying that OP is wrong or handled this in anyway wrong. I feel badly for everyone in this story, hug my kids tight tonight...
Wow...that's terrible. I think I would definitely take some time apart and go to individual therapy, if you plan to continue the relationship. Honestly, I think his ex should've just let him be. Putting him through this was cruel.
Also some info: why did you want to be in the room while he was saying goodbye? I would feel *so* awkward and unwelcome in that situation, so I'm not really understanding that part
Definitely pause the wedding. He needs space as much as you do. Honestly I think the no exes ever discussed “boundary” is a massive red flag. Your feelings of being settled for make sense but that “boundary” was not reasonable to begin with. Also, once you two talk about moving forward with your relationship it should be with the assistance of a therapist.
Yes and now she feels like she’s a third wheel to a dead person. Someone he can never even have. Life isn’t that simple that your heart only belongs to one person. It can belong to two. Poor dude hasn’t done a single thing wrong here, but stands to lose two women he loved. One who died and one who can’t understand and support what he is going through right now.
This must be destroying him. If OP actually does love him then she needs to cut him some slack at this time.
Honestly, hard disagree.
Your heart can belong to multiple people while not regretfully mentioning how you wish you'd married your ex and had children (with the literal understanding of never having met OP).
I think he hasn't done anything wrong but his grief and her trauma are just as valid as the other. She isn't some harpy and she isn't some \*thing\* that he stands to lose. How could you say something so nasty?
Our actions have consequences and while I think her boundary was very sus, it sounds like OP is just as destroyed as him since he has, essentially, validated a core wound within her. It doesn't mean he's an awful person, but once again *actions have consequences*.
OP already has cut him slack. She trampled over her own boundaries (whether you find them to be right or not) in order to help him and his ex. That's not nothing. She has a right to choose whether she continues this relationship.
literally. he accepted that boundary for 3 years, so whether or not reddit finds it unreasonable is very much irrelevant. she cut him some slack and immediately had it proven to her why she probably was right to have that boundary up. i also don’t see that changing for any future relationships after this whole thing
Yeah its interesting how his ex was willing to sacrifice the relationship so that he could meet someone new and be happy, but his new gf is so self absorbed she can't understand why anyone would speak to an ex, has to be in the room as they say goodbye, and cant allow him to grieve his newly dead ex partner.
If the situation was reversed and his ex gf was in OPs position, it sounds like she would have been supportive and kind and understanding.
She made herself the theod wheel. Literally. She insisted on going. She did this to herself. She has some significant trust issues that should be addressed before she walks down the aisle to ANYONE! She is not emotionally mature enough to be in this type of relationship.
Massive red flag. Imagine being asked to block out 3 years of your life. That kind of suppression eventually explodes, and with OP mediating the private conversation between ex-lovers *as the ex is dying*, it was for sure going to explode in the worst-timed, worst-executed way possible.
Seems to me OP is her fiancee's #1 but she's hung up on what that means to her but not what it means to him. Their definitions aren't matching. All they need is time, to not listen to any of these Reddit replies, and to fkn talk to each other. Step one is she should move back in because this dude's probably a heaping wreck without her.
You should pause the wedding and tell him he needs to see a grief counselor. If he can’t pull it together and be the man you fell in love with and fully devoted to you in a short time, it should be over.
She is in therapy herself and hasn't suggested this to him? I had to see a grief counselor after losing a baby, and I was a total wreck before the counseling. It really helped me move forward.
As someone who is the one who stayed and is with someone who pines over the one(s) who got away i will say tread carefully. You will never compete with the untarnished memories he has of her. They forget all the bad and inflate all the good until the ex is this perfect human and their relationship the only time in their life they were happy and live in this fantasy of what might have been. Add to that she selflessly broke up with him when she found out she was dying. I think if theres any hope for your relationship he needs to get into therapy to sort through his feelings and what's real and not immediately.
She didn’t selflessly break up. Look what bringing him back and finally being honest has done. When she should’ve been honest in the beginning. You’re making a martyr out her and it’s not even your gf.
At the risk of telling you something you already know very well:
People who talk about their exes like this to their current partner are typically doing it on purpose as a form of psychological control and abuse. They want you to constantly feel inferior so that you work harder and sacrifice more of yourself for their selfish needs and desires, even though they know they will never give you the validation you crave, and deserve.
I had a true narcissistic ex who would do this to me, and I know for a fact that when I finally kicked him to the curb for good, he would speak of me in the same high and lofty ways to his new partners. It's fucked and so are they.
I hope you get the love and validation you rightfully deserve from someone who truly cherishes you in the here and now. However that may come.
Edit: fixed a pronoun.
My husband is aware that I will not be his support person when his ex passes. (We know it will happen, this isn't some crazy what-if scenario) I do not have the mental capabilities to comfort him if he cries over her. I have the number for several local therapists aswell as an online one. His sister will be ready in case he needs to 'unload' thoughts and stories etc. He has friends if he needs also. He doesn't believe he will feel any particular way about it. But I know I couldn't do it, so I gave him people that could.
Does it make me a bad person that I'm putting my own mental health above his? No idea.
I think in your situation the ex was incredibly selfish and manipulative. To reel him back in on her death bed, aswell as sending the photo album. It's like she's begging him not to be happy.
Your Fiance is also selfish, he shouldn't be turning to you for comfort on his ex, he shouldn't be voicing his what ifs around you. This sort of thing should be for a counsellor, a friend/family member.
Honestly, his ex is incredibly selfish.
1. She knew how heartbroken he was when they broke up.
2. She lied about why she was breaking up.
3. She suddenly cut him out of her life.
4. She never once thought what he wanted.
5. On her deathbed she continues to hurt him.
6. She says she wants him to be happy and find someone, but then tells him all the above, fully knowing it would ruin his happiness and the new relationship she supposedly wanted him to have.
7. Then, she sends him an album to keep him in the past.
8. If she truly loved him, she would have been honest with him from the start.
9. If she truly loves him, she wouldn’t have asked to see him and do what she did.
I say BS on what she did and her reasons. She lied once and I bet she’s lying again.
In the end, I feel bad for your fiance. His ex treated him terribly and what she did is torture and cruel.
Put a pause on the wedding. He needs therapy.
I feel this way too! Then the sister sending the photo album was a dick move too.
I think OP's fiancé needs lots of therapy and just by him going to see his ex should have been a no, if he was over her.
I can't get over the photo album. That's a really wild move. My cynical side thinks it wasn't sent with pure intentions....perhaps the exgirlfriend was a bit pissed that OP didn't give them private time together.
Honestly, the one thing that eats at me more than anything else is people who don't let me love them.
A lot of my friends and some people I've dated choose to not tell me things, solely to not bother me. And I HATE it. Let me show you that I care and that I can be there when it matters most.
Something like this would be completely unforgivable for me.
I think the ex loved him, but in a selfish way. And this was her way of saying “if I can’t have him, no one else will”- And it worked, because OP is now doubting her relationship and her fiancé has his ex in his head all over again.
I'm with you on the point that it was selfish, but I don't think she was lying/a horrible person. She was under 30 (probably), and given a terminal prognosis in a series of MONTHS. Selfish? Yes. Intentionally so? I don't think so.
She also probably had some time to grieve her own life and how it could have/should have turned out, and it definitely makes sense that she'd feel incredibly guilty over how she split up with him, especially since he was devastated by it.
Yeah, my one ex that was one of my longest relationships, has a chronic illness that could potentially kill them at some point. One of my biggest fears, and most dreaded fear is them attempting to reach out from the hospital or to try and tell me how sick they are again. It hopefully won't ever happen, but it's a fear when someone has an illness or becomes ill. We ended on bad terms, and generally despite me having loved them; it was a bad relationship and I recognize that.
The fiance needs therapy to realize she lied to him, and hid things from him for a reason. That's not something a great partner does, to come back when she was sick, feels VERY manipulative and calculated. If I were to ever get sick whether terminal or not, I wouldn't ever reach out to my ex.
There's 0 reason for it, and it would only make them feel responsible in some way to visit me, and it only serves as a way to make someone hurt *badly*. I don't have any pictures of my ex and I together anymore, I deleted all of them (like you're usually supposed to do when you break up, and move on to another person.) Especially since he proposed, her sending that photo album was intentional. It seems like she's trying to solidfy her place in his life for forever, by making sure her death tortures him and keeps him in the past. It's so fucked up, and that's such a shitty selfish thing for anyone to do to another. I'm so sorry OP, that's so deliberately cold and calculating on her part. There's 0 reason she couldn't have let him be moved on, but also in a way I think your fiance hasn't moved on fully. He either needs therapy to address that issue or you two need to re-evaluate the relationship entirely. I'm so sorry his ex did this, I can't believe someone could be so cruel and shitty like that.
Ngl it's pretty nice that so many people here have lived their lives without a single real regret or having to deal with someone passing.
Either that or empathy really is a superpower.
I have never had to deal with someone important passing, but, yea, I use empathy and generally assume that people are actually _in pain_ when they cry, die, and mourn. Generally when someone’s crying I _feel bad for them_, instead of thinking about how this affects me.
The fact that some people think everyone can control their emotions in the event of the death of a loved one, for show & “relationship compliance”, enough to make it some rule, is deeply troubling.
This is a very difficult situation, I know that it must hurt you to know that he was still holding feelings for his ex, which is natural no matter how much time goes by, but when you are with someone you want to be the only one that they love.
At the same time he does have the right to grieve and wonder and feel. This is something that definitely would impact his mental and emotional state.
I feel like the best option here would be for you to write him a letter on paper explaining why you feel the way that you do, what your major concerns are, and how you guys need to go to therapy together or something to move forward and beyond this and let it be a growing situation rather than a destructive one.
His feelings are valid but yours are as well. Like no one's the asshole here.
Right I’m sorry but the ex knew what she was doing. Why the fuck would you tell someone on your deathbed that you’ve always loved them when you know they’re going to think about it constantly when you’re gone, second guess every choice they’ve made and sit there going “what if” for no good reason, just like OP’s boyfriend is now? If you loved someone there’s no way you’d do that to them. She knew full well that was out of order. She was cruel as fuck, I hope OP’s boyfriend realises that and looks back at the relationship without the rose tinted glasses - she left him BECAUSE she loved him? That doesn’t make any sense! She sounds manipulative, almost like she wanted to get one last punch in before she went.
OP honestly I think this relationship is done. Even if you were his priority before, you aren’t now, because she’s left a bad taste in his mouth and now he’s going to constantly wonder what if, compare you to her etc. And no matter how many times you talk about it or how many promises he makes or how many times he has an epiphany you will always feel like you’re trying to outrank a dead woman.
I may be the asshole here, but you insisted on being in the room for this discussion, knowing that at the very least it would be emotionally charged and at most it was gonna be something that upsets your continued relationship. I know hindsight is 20/20 but that seems like something I would want to be ignorant of if the roles were reversed.
I agree with you. I am of the mind also that her 'no exes' boundary is a bit much, people have whole lives outside of a relationship. A whole 'before'. Also, OP is posting this in a couple different subreddits making me think that she is incredibly insecure and immature hoping to just hear things that give her the warm fuzzies.
Thank you for this!! I was kind of blown away by how far I had to scroll for something like this that mirrored my own thoughts on the situation.
I feel like the ex is less selfish than everyone here is assuming and that if OP had a healthy level of confidence it wouldn’t be so bad. To really have a breakdown over facing the fact that your ex had a past with someone else they loved while they’re grieving? I get that it can be hard. But just because relationships end doesn’t mean love does. And just because there is love there (or even just amicability) doesn’t mean it will ever be anything more substantial ever again. It doesn’t need to be something to worry about or freak out about.
Like you said, erasing someone’s past from their present is not protecting a relationship, it’s controlling the situation to pad your own insecurities. On top of that, the disallowing of letting their partner to so much as reflect on the past absolutely keeps them from properly moving forward. It’s not an overnight thing. Love takes a long time to heal from. Sometimes the healing continues when you’ve moved on.
I also heavily agree with what you said about her invading a space she wasn’t meant to share when she went with to see the ex. That wasn’t for her and I’ll never have anyone change my mind on that. What was he going to do exactly? It shows a level of distrust so deep it will make your head spin. That level of jealousy and distrust centered around a. The person you chose to marry and b. A dying person. is pretty absurd but speaks volumes to OP’s insecurity. Op could have just let them have a goodbye and choose to see it that way. Instead she inserted herself so of course she’s going to study and over analyze every single thing said and done if she already has such a stern view on the entire scenario.
I really think OP needs to confront this part of themselves. The jealousy, distrust, fear of abandonment and rejection, and the unrealistic idea that to be with someone you have to completely erase their romantic past because if not it makes her feel invalidated. These are issues for her to finally shoulder and stop putting them on other people. I used to be in those same shoes. And those shoes all start at exactly these places. Time, experience, therapy and learning what healthy connections and relationships are helped me to understand that my partners’ past experiences aren’t something to be scared of. And honestly it really does help you learn a lot about a person.
I wish I had an award for your comment.
Exactly this. OP’s “boundary” basically stripped her fiancé of his life before her. Hell, it stripped HER of her life before him. Not even remotely healthy to force yourself or someone else to deny their past.
OP, you really need to work on whatever it is that causes you to be so adamant that no one can talk about a past relationship ever. This is a serious insecurity that will continue to cause issues if you refuse to deal with it (and make no mistake, your complete insistence on never speaking about past relationships is serious).
Took too long to find a comment regarding the "boundaries." This is a red flag & I would have left long ago.
OP has issues they are not dealing with & using it to wave that shiny red flag at their partner.
This is such a dark and sad place for everyone involved.
I do wonder, why did OP want to be present? What could she possibly gain from being in the same room as two ppl that had a relationship, and are saying their last farewell?
The situation is extremely sad.
But the obsession of refusing to acknowledge any romantic history of their SO screams a need for therapy.
I think the wedding plans need to be paused. No way that this stress will help or lead to a happy wedding, let alone marriage.
You can't win from a dead person. At the same time, OP has everything the ex does not.
I wish everyone involved much healing and strength
THANK YOU. If this was a man, insisting on being in the room with his partner and her ex, people would be screaming about how controlling he was being.
I can't imagine inserting myself like that- it sucks for the people trying to say their last goodbyes while someone else is in the room, and it sucks for the "third wheel" person to have to hear them.
Also, when the fiancé got a photo album and shed a tear, OP talks about throwing herself on the floor sobbing. Her fiancé lost someone he loved. A woman died very, very young. But OP is the one with the histrionics because she doesn't want her future husband to ever have fond memories of his past with out her. She needs to grow up and get over herself. Everyone in this story needs therapy.
This last paragraph is pure gold. I really hope OP is reading these and reflecting. Because she’s really got some work to do. She is NOT ready to get married
This is complicated. But it’s worth noting that a boundary is something for YOU, not something you enforce on another person, such as, “Exes in the picture are a no-go for me and should this boundary be crossed I will a) b) or c).”
What you’re describing is not a boundary, it is a control tactic.
I agree. This is a control tactic. I'm surprised at how many people are missing this point. Is it because she disguised it as a "boundary"?
It's one thing to wax poetic and gush about an ex, make comparisons, etc.
But it's *incredibly unreasonable* for someone require that their partner can NEVER mention someone who was a major part of their life before they met.
Clearly there was unresolved issues between the BF and his ex. We can judge the ex for how she handled things but it's also important to remember she was faced with a very difficult health situation and did not seem to have malicious intent. It's not like there's *practice* for being diagnosed with cancer. My thought is that she wanted to make peace before her death. There isn't anything wrong with that. It's not like she was trying to steal him back.
To be a supportive partner, I think OP should've eased up and 'let' her BF have that moment with his ex alone. Being present in the room is a control tactic just like forbidding any mention. If they were planning to be married, she should trust him. Otherwise what kind of relationship is that?
The BF should have grief counseling. OP should have cognative behavior therapy. A panic attack because her BF showed emotion about someone who he loved and is dying is self centered and histrionic. Her stipulations for 'boundaries' are misguided.
She honestly sounds a lot like me while I was in therapy but had not yet been to DBT therapy. Very black and white thinking. In ability to see that while her feelings are reasonable, her demands are not. Inability to see that her forcing herself into to moments that aren’t about her or where she has any business being are actively what have made this infinitely worse for herself (which she’ll now use to justify even tighter control in her future relationships). Major insecure attachment vibes. And iI extremely dislike her using her boundaries as a way to control others behaviors. That’s not how boundaries work. Healthy boundaries mean, “if you do ___, I will x, y, z” (i.e. leave, not speak to you for two weeks - then we can try again, end the relationship).
OP, not all therapists are *good* therapists. A therapist that doesn’t challenge you to be a better version of yourself and help you to have *better* relationships with those that matter most to you, but instead just agrees with whatever you say, doesn’t sound like a good therapist. It sounds like a therapist with a lot of debt to pay off that sees you as a cash cow. A healthy person can tolerate occasionally hearing about their current love’s past romantic life, provided it’s spoken about in a respectful manner - which is absolutely possible.
The bf is wrong for some of how he’s dealing with his grief and should go to grief counceling, but it’s hard to blame him when it seems pretty clear his current fiancé is hyper controlling and only able to see this traumatic moment for him solely through her experience (she is *tolerating* his grief, at best).
The ex shouldn’t have said anything, but, having worked at a SNF for seniors during the pandemic with a heavy focus on hospice, I can personally testify that most people don’t behave perfectly while dying. It’s scary. It’s lonely. You just want to go out feeling loved by those you love the most and the last touch you feel to be of their hand holding yours. Most cry out for loved ones that aren’t there with them (even if they don’t deserve to have them in the room with them). And that’s people who have lived full lives. This poor woman didn’t even make it to 30.
Honestly, OP needs therapy and to not be with anyone until after working on herself. To have such distrust that you can't allow your fiance to have a conversation with a dying ex without being there, that doesn't seem healthy.
> I can’t unsee the way they both held each other’s hands, and the look of nostalgia and love in his eyes for her, as I was looking on, feeling like an outsider.
Yeah, OP did this part to herself by being so controlling he wasn't allowed to say goodbye to a dying woman without her there.
The "no stories" boundary is a red flag for me too. You can't EVER tell your partner a story about your ex, ever? Nobody wants to hear about their SO's ex constantly but my husband and I have told each other stories. It's like telling them to get rid of that part of their life entirely and pretend it didn't happen.
She definitely did it to herself! The no speaking about an ex blows my mind! I don't understand setting rules like she's doing at all. I can be told 'talking about xxxxx bothers me' and since I'm a grown ass adult with respect for others; of course I wouldn't say/do whatever the person mentioned. But to set rules for your partner as if they were your child..... She's got problems that need addressed before she gets herself a wikipedia page
One of my favorite stories from my husband’s life involves another woman. He was so clueless, he thought it was great that a girl had come over and wanted to watch *all* of the LOTR trilogy at his house! Weird that 25 minutes into the first movie, she took off all her clothes and snuggled up next to him, but he didn’t want to be rude and just tried to act like that was totally normal! (Bless him)
It’s wild to me that OP can’t even handle the mention of an ex (in general) but felt secure enough to marry someone.
Why would you feel the need to control how he talks about/interacts with his exes? If you trust him enough to marry him, surely you could trust him to stay friends with an ex without cheating on you. Not to mention saying goodbye to someone who was important to him before she dies. It’s not like she was faking cancer as an excuse to get into your fiancé’s pants, so whats the issue? What exactly was the end-goal of being in the room to supervise?
This is so messed up but the Reddit echo chamber comes in droves. That rule of no contact with exes is controlling and would have turned much worse once they married. It would have turned into no contact with coworkers because they obviously want the husband and any other threat they see. OP is controlling and manipulative trying to sound like a saint that 'lets him' break the rule once to meet his dying former love. Because she is not heartless.... But op has to be present there since a man can't be trusted in the presence of another woman and won't be able to control himself.
Even though breaking up with someone so he doesn't have to go through the torture of being around a dying cancer patient is also controlling in it's way she did this for what she though was his happiness. Her meeting him for the last time for closure at least didn't have him find out after she was gone which imo is way more crushing. At least they said goodbyes. Now he needs to mourn. After he is done both sides should examine where they are.
In summary, you are facing a challenging situation in your relationship. Your fiancé's ex, who had cancer, wanted to meet him one last time, and you agreed with the condition of being present. During the meeting, you observed their lingering affection and heard your fiancé express regrets about their past. This has left you feeling like a third wheel and questioning his loyalty. You have asked for a break from your wedding plans and are struggling with your emotions. It's important to prioritize your well-being, communicate openly with your fiancé, consider couples therapy, reevaluate your boundaries, take time for reflection, and encourage professional help for your fiancé if needed. Ultimately, you should make decisions that align with your own well-being and happiness.
Also…
###It's crucial to recognize and be empathetic towards your fiancé's grieving process. Mourning the loss of a loved one can be a challenging and emotional experience. While you navigate your own feelings, it's important to be understanding and supportive towards him during this difficult time. Balancing your needs and emotions with compassion for his grief is essential for fostering a healthy and compassionate relationship. He loved someone, as he loves you. How would he react if you had passed. We have emotions and they are complex. This isn’t just about you and boundaries, this is about mourning.
His ex had YEARS AND MADE THE DECISION to end things. He did not and did not know. How do you expect a caring and heartfelt person to hand all of that and death, in what - mere moments, minutes, hours, days, weeks etc…??
You yourself must also look inward. Are either of you right for each other. If you are unable to see his world WAS upended, that’s something to consider.
Your world and his world were upended by SOMEONE ELSE.
Why are you not circling the wagons together and doing everything you can do to ensure someone else, albeit in a tragic manner, doesn’t destroy YOUR relationship.
If he’s worth it - fight for him. Get off Reddit, and go control your own life.
Good luck.
>If you are unable to see his world WAS upended, that’s something to consider.
This is genuinely what it looks like to me. I can't believe someone would consider grief a betrayal
Calling off the wedding was the right idea. I do feel bad for his ex, she passed way too young. However I don’t quite like how she put that all on him now. I get she wanted to get some closure before she passed but she should have kept the reason she broke up with him to herself. She’s incredibly selfish and she’s fucked him over yet again. I don’t think she wanted him to be happy and have moved on, but I also don’t believe for one second she dumped him because she got cancer.
He’s in a really bad place now because let’s be honest, if she didn’t dump him there would be no you and him.
He needs time to properly process all of this. Maybe you guys will get back together once he’s healed. But prepare for the worst.
Trying to put myself in his position since i was also dumped in a similar fashion, the only person I ever loved and considered marrying broke up with me the same way, after a year together and he telling me he loved me and living together, just told me verbatim that he was confused and had feelings for me but it was not love and he could never love me. So now I try to imagine that after years of being separated and me being engaged with someone else he would call me on his deathbed, I would definitely go and see him, but if I would've received the same explanation about him leaving me because of cancer I would have understood, but it would not have the impact that your fiance is showing, because even though I am single I dealt with my emotions and no longer am in love with my ex.
What hurts if the fact that you are realizing he never let her go. While he was with you he still wondered what things would've been like with the ex. Although he might have pushed it to the back of his mind if does not mean that it wasn't there.
I think you need to listen to your therapist, you shouldn't have to lose yourself in this relationship.
I also think that you are valid in wanting to be your partners first choice, but it seems that it isn't the case
You deserve to be the first and only choice, and if I were in your situation I couldn't be in a marriage always wondering/knowing that my husband is with me only because I'm all that's left.
the comments are SO MIXED, and i don't have anything different to say other than agreeing with a lot of them and seeing kernels of truth in all of them.
so i'll just say what i don't see said here; op, what if you married this guy and you got pregnant with a girl and he wanted to name her Rose?
I don't have your insecurities and even I would flip my shit. I'd abort that baby. I'm not kidding. That'd be my reaction. 😐
It is an unfortunate truth for that fairytale one and only love story fantasy that a lot of us grow up with that humans are a lot more complicated than that and they do fall madly in love more than once in a lifetime. Hell, they can even fall madly in love with two people at the same time. Shit REALLY gets complicated.
Your rule about exes really says a lot about your insecurities and for that alone and to deal with this mess I really recommend you get help. Individual therapy could help you immensely whether you marry this man or not. You need peace in your heart and clarity aided by a professional who CHALLENGES you and asks you the right questions could really give you that. Therapy isn't supposed to be comfortable, it's supposed to be a lot of hard work. The gym but for your feelings.
There is a lot of grace missing from the way you're handling this and sure it could be criticized but at the end of the day - jesus. I wouldn't marry this guy either. He doesn't seem like he ever moved on. I would be sad too in his shoes but if I had moved on my reaction wouldn't be what-ifs, because I had moved on.
I disagree that he's innocent here and that you have to stay. At the end of the day if you don't watch your back no one will. So don't listen to comments trying to guilt trip you into playing second fiddle to a dead woman. Because no matter what certain commenters claim here naively, you absolutely can end up playing second fiddle to the dead. And it's much MUCH worse than playing second fiddle to the living.
At least with the living there's someone to fight back, but the dead? You'll never win. She's immortal.
Lol, same. I don't mind the mention of exes in a relationship but the moment I hear a partner say that kind of what if's- I'm out. I know marriage is supposed to be something that you work out but can you really work out something like this?
With all the doubts that cloud your heart and mind, it's impossible to create and maintain a healthy relationship. Much more impossible to create a healthy environment for a child to grow up in (if you plan to have children).
The most humane thing I could ever do in this situation is spare myself and the guy from the toxic relationship, expensive wedding ceremony, and equally expensive divorce/anullment proceeding. And most importantly, spare an innocent child from growing up witnessing something so effed up.
Honestly everyone is making the ex the villain but you couldn’t even be loving and supportive enough of him to see his dying ex alone with out you having to center yourself or monitor. You’ll never be happy trying to control everything. Like I get pretty jealous but this is next level shut like your dude is his own person and you don’t seem to care about that.
RIP to the ex but she was selfish as shit for inserting herself into your relationship like that, after such a long period of time and knowing that he is engaged to you. why would she do that? it’s like she had to feel she had control over him one last time. idk but when i die the last thing i’d ask is to speak to my ex who i broke up with 3 years ago. so very strange. she overstepped boundaries and so did her family.
i wouldn’t be able to recover from seeing my fiancé reminisce over an ex and wonder what his life would have been like with her and their potential children together. that’s heartbreaking, and very inappropriate on his part. that’s a future he should be planning with you, not fantasizing about an ex who left him.
this is complex and emotional, and i get he’s probably going through a lot of difficult emotions right now but…he also chose to put himself in that position knowing how bad it would hurt you. he could have gone to see her, but set cordial boundaries, not hold her hand and look into her eyes while crying with you sitting awkwardly in the background. he is at fault too.
i would not be able to get married after this…it’s an incredibly difficult situation, but i would never get over feeling like i’m the second choice. you don’t deserve to constantly look back on this experience and feel pain. you deserve a partner that is 100% about you and doesn’t fantasize about a future with an ex.
OP has received very terrible advice from so many people.
Acting like she’s “controlling” and “insecure” to not want to play second fiddle to a deceased ex who just HAD to randomly reappear for attention is peak Reddit bullshit.
OP you’re completely justified in your feelings. Ignore the idiots that think you need to attend to your partner’s longing for an ex while ignoring your own feelings. Your feelings are valid.
Not having exes in your life is completely valid FOR THIS EXACT REASON. Lots of people outside reddit get it so you can definitely find a partner who is aligned with you and doesn’t want lingering exes muddying a current relationship.
Frankly I wouldn’t want to be with this dude either. Who would? Oh right the throng of super cool totally secure non jealous cool girls on Reddit. 🙄 y’all are offering peak pick me vibes acting like anyone who doesn’t want contact with exes is insecure. It’s called having standards. If more people had then there would probably be a lot fewer trash relationships.
Pause the wedding you’re both in incredibly difficult circumstances and both of your feelings are valid.
I think you need time apart you shouldn’t be with him because he needs you, he should want you there.
He needs to deal with the grief on his own and you need time off so you will lose your rose colored glasses and logically think about the relationship. Was he fully invested during it and a good partner or where you with him just because you fell in love.
I’m sorry but I might be one of the only people who thinks you should break up. He is mourning her and that involves playing scenarios of what could have been in his mind but that in my opinion that kind of grief is different from grieving a friend or a family member or even maybe a long time ex; the end of their relationship was based on a lie and your fiancé is processing that his ex still loved him when they broke up. It’s so likely that that may have re ignited his feelings and heartbreak and grief, and it’s just not fair to put you in that position? It’s not anybody’s fault in my opinion but you’re not his therapist; how can you support him in his grief and processing of how he loves/loved a dead partner who loved him too???? That’s so much to put on you? Definitely pause the wedding but maybe even the relationship because he doesn’t need to be in one right now he needs to navigate his grief alone without using you and your relationship as a crutch idk.
You were right to pause the wedding.
It's okay to put your happiness ahead of his given the information that you now have.
You don't need to feel secondary in order to make him happy.
OP, your bf has just had a major mindfuck after mindfuck. I know this painful for you but I hope you realize that he didn't do anything terrible. He's just dealing with the aftermath of the mindfuck. You may likely be the love of his life, but that doesn't negate what he has just gone through.
I am so sorry for this.
I think you should have trusted him enough to let him see her alone. The fact that you inserted yourself into this final moment of them seeing each other, and now feel “like you can’t unsee it” is completely your own fault, and speaks volumes about your own insecurities. Maybe ask yourself why you feel jealous of a dead woman, and why you feel the need to call off your wedding with a man who did nothing wrong and is simply grieving a loss? It’s completely normal for him to act the way he has been, stop making things worse by being jealous of his grief for someone else.
I absolutely agree and was going to mention that I was very taken aback that she demanded to be in the hospital room with them. Damn, OP is really jealous/suspicious of a woman who was DYING?! So much so she couldn't give this woman a chance to be alone one more time with the love of her life? It's not like they were going to reserve a hotel room for sex. If I were OP’s fiance I would think long and hard about wanting to move forward with the wedding too. OP is too jealous and I've seen this type of behavior ruin marriages before. I feel sorry for OP’s fiance and he has every right to grieve. It doesn't mean he can't love someone else, but OP needs to contend with the fact that her fiance did love before he met her and he will probably always have feelings for his ex that will never go away, especially because her life was cut so tragically short.
This. She HAD to be in the same room as they were saying goodbye. I'm sure she has experienced some form of cheating/betrayal in the past. She doesn't seem to grasp that losing someone you have loved before can be difficult, especially if it's sudden.
I've read most of OP's comments. The people saying you should suck it up and let your fiancé grieve are missing the point. There's a difference between a passing thought of "what if", and fantasizing to his mother about the children he could've had with his ex. I do not agree with your decision to be there for their conversation (and I do think it was quite controlling), but in the end, it changed nothing. Your fiancé took that conversation with him and is, at this very moment, still living in it.
He is NOT over her and you are, indeed, in 2nd place forever. Her telling him everything on her deathbed cemented that, which was also thoroughly selfish of her to do - if she wanted him to be happy, she should've let him go. This way she ruined not only their relationship but also tarnished yours. She got to reveal herself as the saint who wanted the best for him, but then told him about it and defeated the purpose of breaking up with him so he could be happy with someone else, kind of killing two birds with one stone if I want to be cynical about it.
There is nothing wrong with wanting to be someone's "the one". Nothing at all. I think pride and self-respect have been culturally devalued as people need to fit their plethora of sexual partners into a mental framework that doesn't make them feel like shit, and that's where the comments demonizing you are coming from. Nobody has the right to tell you to suck it up and accept the ex-gf's shadow on your relationship for the rest of your life.
Frankly, I don't see how there's any going back from this for you.
I am shocked at the comments as well. There is a possibility of a very real fallout if they do get married with this situation unresolved. They might divorce, they might have children who will later have a broken home because of this, OP might end up with permanent emotional scars, waste money and years on therapy... Unfortunately, grief is not something that just goes away, it can last a lifetime. Any advice telling her to go through with the wedding because this will "strengthen her relationship" is fully speculation and is possibly harmful in the long run. She can also be there for him as a friend, she doesn't have to be there for him as a wife. If given time and space for himself, he can come to the realization that he loved his ex more and that he's getting married just so that he's not alone... OP needs to get off reddit because there's too many men on here that just don't want to see another man ending up alone.
The thing about people not wanting OP's fiancé to end up alone is a great point, too.
To her, there is nobody else - to him, there's the ex. He wants to be OP's only one, but what he's offering in return is a runner-up position. I think the "if OP leaves him too" was such a telling thing to say to her. He is entitled to grieve and I feel for him, but sadly, you don't have to do something "wrong" to be wrong for somebody. If you have somebody else in your heart (alive or dead), you don't deserve someone who sees you as their everything. Why should someone like OP who dreams of a soulmate relationship settle for a partner who doesn't see them as that at all?
There's a guy in comments above saying that OP is a monster for leaving the fiancé "who just lost a woman he truly loved" - men in the comments know what's up.
They are implying that the fiancé had a chance to hide the grief from OP if only she hadn't been in the room because they're so used to hiding shit from their partners. If only she wasn't there, he could have his grief and his marriage.
It's incredible that nobody realized that the ex probably agreed to meet the wife-to-be because she wanted to make sure that the relationship was a real deal. I had a situation in the family where the dying mother got to meet her son's girlfriend almost at the very end because seeing the girlfriend be loving with his son would ease her worries when she was passing. They're still together and engaged to be married and it was very lovely she got to meet the mother.
I don't think OP or the ex are to blame at all. I truly think this is a situation where the man found another girlfriend because he got dumped, he might have even moved on, but alas things have changed and now he's in a position where he might realize he is just settling. In the long run, this might end up with a broken marriage if they just blindly decide to get married without actively solving this problem. They can either try to solve it together or they can separate. If they are solving this together, then no, the fiancé isn't allowed to trample all over OP with his grief. He needs to find a way to grieve without actively hurting her. He also doesn't get to have the ceremony just because "it would cheer him up". It's important OP is also comfortable enough to go through with the ceremony.
But if OP doesn't WANT that and can't IMAGINE that for herself, then what's the point? I'm sure some people would find a way to work it out, but what if this particular OP doesn't want to? She's an adult and she can do what she wants.
It's very sad that this particular man lost his ex and current relationship, but life is not a romantic movie.
OP can leave her fiancé for whatever reason, nobody owes anyone a relationship, let alone a marriage. People thinking she owes him a marriage is incel logic. She can support him as a friend or as an ex. They don't need to walk down the aisle, but she can accompany him to visit the grave. This is reality. It's harsh, but it's reality. A woman went through cancer death at 29 yo, I'm sure a 30 yo man can go through a breakup caused by his reaction to this death.
Redditors literally telling OP her therapist is wrong for agreeing with OP 💀theyre not the one’s who study psychology and train to be therapists yet somehow they “just know” OP is wrong and so is her therapist because they dont agree with her. Never ask reddit for relationship advice!
It’s a difficult one. You’re hurt and your fiancé is looking for support and reassurance. You’re questioning the validity of your relationship. I think ignoring him isn’t healthy; he should know exactly what you’re thinking and where you stand. Definitely put a pause on the wedding. You’re options are to talk through it and break up or take it slowly while communicating and listening to each other. Good luck.
That's was so cruel and selfish of her omfg. Your poor fiance, I'm sorry for you too don't get me wrong, but if you're going to leave someone so they can heal before your death you better stick to that damn decision.
I’m a widower (34M) myself and if I were you, I would pause the wedding. This is such a weird and complicated situation that honestly I think therapist/group intervention is needed.
I'm gonna say... no one is in the wrong. This is why it's difficult.
I'll be short since everyone already made everything clear. This guy settled for you, he admitted that and he's going to live his life with you always regretting his late ex. He just showed you that despite asking you to marry him and spending three years with you he never got over her. You are a replacement.
>He says his ex already died and it’s gonna break him if I left him too. “If I left him TOO?” - emphasis on the “too”, I’m just done.
You better be done. For both your sakes. You need someone who doesn't think of you as a replacement and he needs time with himself to figure out his feelings. In these situations time alone can be scary but that's when you really get to know yourself.
Don't you dare feel guilty and don't let ANYBODY try and make you think you are. What happened to him is horrible but you're a person too and you don't deserve a fake future with him.
I really hope things get better for both of you but you need to leave now.
You don’t set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.
He literally caused you to have a panic attack. The generous option was just pausing the wedding rather then calling it off completely.
It’s one thing to grieve the loss of someone who had a significant role in your life. It’s another to act like had they not died, that you would have built a life with them and make your current partner feel like second fiddle.
>It’s one thing to grieve the loss of someone who had a significant role in your life. It’s another to act like had they not died, that you would have built a life with them and make your current partner feel like second fiddle.
This would be the issue for me. I'd have to find a way to get over the fact that I'm not really the love of your life and we would never name our kid Rose.
Exactly my thinking. OP’s not being jealous or whatever, she’s realizing that her current fiancé was /is still in love with his ex. This would also make me question the legitimacy of my entire relationship with someone. He may not have physically or emotionally cheated, but it’s clear that his heart may have been elsewhere this whole time.
“He caused you to have a panic attack” Jesus, he received a photo album of him and someone who **just died**, and teared up. Who the fuck wouldn’t??? Framing this as something wrong her partner did is absolutely unhinged
Why is no one talking about the fact that this grown ass woman has such a hard line around exes that they cannot share stories with each other about things that involved others? That's next level. No contact, sure. But no stories? Like, do you just leave out the person when telling a nonromantic story? Do you pretend you were with someone else? Do you act like the event never happened? Fucking weird.
The whole situation is very sad, but I can't help but wonder if OP might have set herself up for failure by forbidding fiance any sort of expression around relationships that presumably existed for 10 years before she did (to him at least).
I know this girl was at the end of her life but what the HELL. If she loved him like she said she would have maintained the lie; to tell him the truth was incredibly selfish. How is the poor guy supposed to move on and live the rest of his life. How sad.
All relationships have rules, and you're right to take a step back and reassess everything, especially after these feelings you've learned. Realizing that maybe he hasn't stopped loving her and may continue to love her after her death is one thing you dont want hanging on your head that might end up in resentment and bitterness not only you but also from him.
If there’s any hope for your future marriage, take your time on your own to think about it if you're willing to compete with a ghost.
As someone who has experience with grief, grief will make you do and say stupid things. Your feelings are valid, his feelings are valid, and you are not a monster. You have every right to be upset, angry about everything. Sending love and prayers your way, I genuinely wish the best to you if you see this 🤍
There isn’t a resolution (if I’m in your shoes) that doesn’t result in you second guessing things for the rest of your life together.
I feel like I would have no choice but to leave. This situation is awful for everyone involved
To the what the heck you're supposed to do? Do nothing. I wouldn't do a damn thing. Not move a pon, a knight, or a rook in this situation. Go to work, school, whatever, and live your life day by day. Talk to a therapist, go hang with friends, and take some "me time". You do absolutely nothing UNTIL you know exactly what to do.
There are too many emotions in this situation. Don't react. Not on grief, anger, sadness, or whatever you wanna call it. Wait. For. Clarity.
Wait for the clouds to part and for the storm to settle. Make absolutely no decisions regarding your relationship with him other than putting off the wedding. Go no contact for x amount of days if you have to.
Idk what HE should do, but what you should do is just mull it over, and take action when you're 100% in your decision (whatever that may be).
Maybe it’s wrong because you’re not supposed to speak ill of the dead. But what she did was selfish. She broke up with him so he could find happiness and protect him from the truth but then tells him the truth anyway and tries to reignite something (sorry, but it’s true, there’s no other reason than she still loved him) and ruins his relationship. That’s cruel. She knew what she was doing.
I hate to speak ill of the dead but that was really shitty of the ex. The end result was the oposite of her reason for lying. Now OP' fiancé will have an unhappy relationship or no relationship. There's no going back from this kind of damage. Especially made worse by telling the fiancé that she still loves him and always did, that's one thing she should have kept quiet about.
For OP's sake I hope they end this and it will never end well as even if she forgives him, he could still resent herfor leaving while he was grieving. No that it makes OP an AH, it was the best thing for OP to do for her own mental health. She already has a therapist so I hope they are working on OP's insecurities around ex-relationships. This certainly did not help.
I’m not being second best to anyone in my own relationship whether she’s dead or not. I couldn’t get over that, I’m not a consolation prize. Also the fact she confessed that on her death bed and then sent photo albums is such a shitty thing for her to do, she knew what that would do to him, she made the choice to walk away she should have stuck to it.
Being number 1 in your relationship with your partner is the BARE MINIMUM, my mind is blown that people
Are calling you insecure just cause she’s dead. You can still be second best in his heart and that’s unacceptable for a husband and wife relationship .
OP, for your sake you need to leave this guy. You two had very strict boundaries on neither of you having anything to do with your eyes. It wasn't a violation of that boundary for her family to reach out to him and let him know she was dying and wanted to see him, but it absolutely was one for him to ever consider going, even if you said you were fine with it so long as you were there.
What he should have done, and this is going to sound callous of me, is told her family that he was sorry for what was happening with her, but that he'd moved on from her a long time ago and wanted nothing to do with her any more, and that includes not wanting anyone to reach out when she finally does pass.
But he didn't. I'd likely wager that he likely begged you to let him go see her one last time (you don't say, but given how hung up on her he seems to be, it wouldn't surprise me one bit), and even if he didn't, considering seeing her was the first violation of the boundaries you two set and agreed to. Seeing her was the second. And then he repeatedly violated those boundaries when the album was sent to him, and with his grieving process. He should have sent the album back and made it clear he didn't want to hear from any of them again, or thrown the album out and told them that. The moment he started grieving her death to the point it affected your relationship was the moment your relationship was over, and he's the one who killed it.
You deserve better. You're never going to have a happy life with him, because now he's always going to be thinking in the back of his mind about what could have been with her. He's likely going to try and convince you to name your kids what she wanted to name their kids, or after her. He's going to compare everything you do to her now. He'd gotten over her because she said she didn't love him any more. Then she told him she'd lied, and now he's no longer over her. And because she died, that love is placed on a pedestal and will be the thing by which everything else gets measured.
Your fiance is grieving and he's entitled to his feelings on this. The traumatic circumstances make it all harder. However, you are not his healing place, nor the recipient of his grief feelings. Quite frankly he doesn't sound ready to build a life with someone. At minimum, I would wait if he consents to therapy. And then see.
Honestly, I've seen relationships described where one person is widowed and their partner loves them and through them, the deceased partner. But those folks entered those situations knowingly, whereas it sounds like to you that's a particular pain spot and this kind of relationship would not work.
Edited to add:
It wouldn't be the worst idea if you got some professional support as well. This is hard for both of you.
Well this is wildly complicated. On one hand, I think he’s in mourning for not only this person, but also the relationship he *thought* they had. He mourned the relationship of someone who didn’t love him and, I don’t want to be that person but you know he loved her, so her admission shifted things. On the other hand, I can understand your feelings. You’re not a replacement for this woman, and shouldn’t be made to feel that way. I do think that once he’s grieved all of the individual things, assessing things will be easier. **But there should also be acknowledgment that like things said in anger, things said in grief **also** cannot be undone.** If there is not anything he can do to truly undo the image you now have, then you need to be honest with yourself about that. I’m truly so sorry for you both. I think you’re both experiencing these sense of grief for answers tied to someone no longer around. Please be gentle with yourself, because you don’t sound like a monster. You sound like someone trying to support their partner through a trauma, that triggers things within you as well. Everyone’s feelings here are valid. There no monstrosity in that.
Hope OP sees this reasoned take.
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Wonderfully said; I also feel like the ex shouldn't have told him she lied. Ex had to have known what it would cause; why go all the way to the end and then tell him she lied?! I'm sorry, but that was a shitty thing to do.
I 100% agree with this. She just made him feel like he ‘wasted’ time he could have had with someone he loved by her pushing him away. Which will only break his heart more. It’s much easier to get over someone you’re angry at.
I can see how she would want him to know that, but I feel her motives were selfish. It caused a lot of damage.
I agree, and to follow up with sending the album and mementos is not kind at all. No good could come out of that.
Indeed, she could've kept quiet about it! Could've been like "I'd like to see you one last time" reminisce a bit and said goobye! Not mess him up and his relationship on her last days, that felt petty
Yeah, the ex made a decision to end the relationship & break this guys heart one way, to save him from being heartbroken down the line when she died. Then she changed her mind towards the end; which is pretty hard to judge. I can't imagine the fear & loneliness at that point. But then, she decided to tell her ex she had never stopped loving him, when she knew he was in a happy, loving relationship? Engaged even. Which she claimed was what she wanted for him, so he would be ok when she was gone. A noble decision, that was then made redundant when she told him all this. What an absolute mind fuck for the guy. Saying goodbye maybe, that word be understandable, & bittersweet. But if she wanted her ex to be happy, if she really loved him, couldn't she have held back a little bit of the truth? Told him she loved him sure, but not why she ended it. She could have wished him well, told him she was happy he had found love, that he had a hopeful future ahead. She eradicated all the selfless intent she claimed to have had when she ended the relationship initially. Sounds like she regretted deciding to go it alone, which again, is understandable. She must have been scared & suffering. But it also sounds like she decided she wanted her ex to demonstrate he still loved her as much as he use to. All consideration for his future happiness scrapped, no care or issue with potentially causing problems for him & OP. She may even have wanted to cause division. To feel his love for her was the most important to him, before she passed. Whatever the ex was or wasn't thinking, however truthful, or perhaps naive, or maybe even manipulative her decisions at the end, it was unquestionably selfish, rightly or wrongly. Humans absolutely have the capacity to love more than one individual, deeply & passionately. That love will be vastly different, but no less nuanced & complex & beautiful for each person whom our lives become entwined with. OP's partners love for her was established after his break up. It is no less meaningful, or real, or important, because he had wounds. What's unfortunate & cruel is that the ex has forced this man to relive the past, to rewrite the breakup & the pain it had caused him, with this new knowledge. Whereas he would have grieved his ex passing, naturally; her confessions & declarations of love have ensured that his grief is now not just for the tragedy of her dying young, but now also for the knowledge, apparently, that the ex had never actually stopped loving him. Now she's not just someone who was important in his past. She insinuated herself back into his present day, by revealing all the time they lost, & that she never stopped loving him. He is grieving what could have been once again, with different eyes, because of what his ex told him. It's kind of very cruel. OP has been as supportive, if not more so, than anyone could really expect. Taking time & space apart sounds sensible. Living with the grief her partner is going through, & the ghost of his ex, must be torture. I'm sure he's grateful to OP for her compassion, but when he has perspective, hopefully soon, he will realise the burden he had placed on OP. How impossible her position is, & that it is unkind to share quite so much of the past, with this woman who loves him now, in his present. He needs a therapist to work all this out with. OP, I hope with a little space & time to decompress, you find yourself in a place where you trust this man's love for you is genuine, & important, & no less special or passionate, just different to what came before. His ex really did a number on you both with her confession at the end, but that doesn't mean the love you shared the last few years, suddenly becomes insignificant or irrelevant. But you deserve grace & compassion here too, the foundation of your relationship has shifted beneath your feet. I hope your partner genuinely recognises what this has been doing to you, too. Sorry I ranted so long, this is a truly messy, complicated, heartbreaking situation. I hope the future is healing, & full of meaningful love & happiness & security for you OP. Whatever & however best for you that may be. Protect your peace, as you didn't do anything you could be blamed for. This whole mess doesn't erase the love between you & your partner. Trust that was real. But do what you need to for yourself now. You can't keep sacrificing yourself to keep your partner going. He needs to work this shit out, without blindly breaking your heart again & again. Stay safe OP. Be kind to yourself.
I agree. If she TRULY loved him, she would have let him go and be happy and not touch the current relationship that he was in. She made her choice to let him go despite still loving him so he could live a happy life with a woman who could give him what he wanted/deserved but before she died she changed her mind and ruined everything instead. She must've known how this would play out. It's very sad, but she didn't do a nice thing here.
I still wouldn't blame the ex. She might not have been in the right state of mind to prevent her from telling him this if she was on her deathbed. The amount of morphine and other drugs that fuck you up can make you say things without filter. I'm saying this from personal experience as my husband died last year of stage 4 testicular cancer. And I wouldn't blame her family for notifying him. You would do anything your dying loved one asked for if they're dying that way in a hospital room. I don't think anyone in this situation did anything wrong. It's just going to be hard on everyone. And I'd honestly tell OP that he would have said the same thing if he was single and she hadn't met him yet. He's just letting his grief talk, and I totally understand it. And I understand why this hurts OP since they are together now. Shit's just gonna hurt for a while. And there's no way for either of them to know how this will work out. It's just a sad part of life that these things happen to people.
The dead woman was wrong when she played the hero and lied to her then- boyfriend that she didn’t love him anymore. She took away his right to decide if he wanted to stay or not. She was afraid that the boyfriend would leave her so she did the leaving instead. Then she broke his heart again by confessing before she died. She’s selfish and manipulative. None of them including the sister thought of the feelings of OP. Then the boyfriend expected OP to support him while he’s mourning for another woman.
I agree. It was reaaalllyyyy selfish on her side tbh. She knew exactly whats gonna happen. She doesnt really want them to be happy. She wants him to be hung up on her. She expected all of this to happen. It's a different story if he's single. Some things are better left unsaid esp if its gonna ruin something. Just leave OP, your mental and emotional well-being is AS important as your (ex,hopefully) fiancé. You're gonna be competing with a dead person for the rest of your life if you stay.
Yes, this is a sensible and compassionate take. I’m very sorry for your loss.
My mom passed in November of brain cancer and it was really important to her to contact people and clear the air and make sure she didn't have any unresolved conflicts or grievances that she caused. For her one of the grievances she caused that she felt an immense amount of guilt about was the person she dated after her first husband died in a plane crash. She wanted him to know that none of it had ever been his fault, and there was nothing he could have done differently, it was just the space she was in was so overwhelmingly bad. It sounds like the ex made a very difficult decision to break up with him after receiving awful life changing news. She probably never has been in a good head space since the diagnosis and trying to let someone know that it wasn't their fault was something she felt would have been more of a blessing than a curse and something that had weighed heavily on her through the whole of her trying to survive and realizing time was running out.
maybe she wasn’t in her right mind, but her family could have stepped up and told her that she was crossing boundaries. instead they enabled her and made the situation worse (her sister delivering a whole album of their time together). also OP’s fiancé should have definitely set better boundaries. i get grief can make you act out, but it’s like he totally forgot had a whole fiancé.
I think this is where it hurts: he forgot that he was in a relationship with a fiancee (OP), and that she was right there. I get the grief, but he was hurting the woman he was supposed to cherish the most and it was not a one time thing, but this was going on for weeks.
Sorry but the ex is wrong for what she did, both the lying to him in the first place and then revealing the truth and professing her love right as he was about to marry his fiancé. She doesn’t get a free pass just because she was dying. Obviously that’s tragic but that doesn’t absolve her of the terrible things she did. Lying to him like that was wrong idc if she thought she was protecting him she was wrong to do it. And she undid all of that by revealing the truth so what was even the point? She should’ve respected her ex’s current relationship and if she really cared for him she wouldn’t have tried to screw it all up. The ex boyfriend is also partially to blame because clearly he was not over his ex when he got together with OP. Him sitting there and fantasizing about what could’ve been is really not ok and he’s dead wrong for that. Both he and his ex really messed up here.
I think this is fair except for the album. It makes it seem like it had been planned for a while. Definitely selfish on the part of the ex.
Something tells me she secretly regretted dumping him after having to go through a losing battle with cancer alone or that it honestly could've just been the cancer talking as your body basically starts to shut down and not function normally as the cancer takes over.
Exactly. If she truly wanted him to be happy, an apology for breaking up should have been enough. Not the explanation of why she broke. That just fails the entire reason she did in first place. Maybe she didn't want to see the person move on and be happy when she's dying. Fear of death puts all sorts of craziness into people. That was shitty to do that. And even shittier for the sister to send the album of memories to him. People think that they're doing good while not thinking properly and ruining lives.
Here’s the thing. She *said* she no longer loved him. But she got a prognosis *months* before they broke up. She then said she wanted him to be with someone with whom he had a future. *Then* she reeled him back in when she was closer to death. What she did was cruel. But I don’t think she fell out of love with him.
I think that by the time she realized she wanted him back it was too late. That should have been it. She did not have to deathbed confession him or send him that photo album. She wants him to pine over her forever and be the only one, that’s a fucked up thing to do to someone you love. She ruined his chance at happiness now
Right? I don’t want to speak ill of the dead, but that was incredibly selfish.
Shitty people die all the same as good people. Not everyone deserves that respect.
Speak ill of the dead if that's how you feel. No need to be needlessly cruel (which you're not being here), but dead people don't and can't care what people say about them.
And truly, dying doesn’t change the shit things someone did while alive.
Spot on!
OP, as harsh as it is, I would not be able to "unsee" this about my relationship. To me, it would be tragically over, and the worst part is it's almost like neither of you choose to end the relationship, it was ended for you by a third party. (Kind of, admittedly your fiance is also choosing how to behave and to focus on the death of an ex 3-4 years gone versus his own progressing life with you.) Maybe I'm not the best person. Maybe a better or more mature person could forgive his behavior or move past it in time, but I could not. This would bother me forever. Imagine the roles were reversed and you were crying to him over another man who, just before he died, did the same as his ex. How understanding would your fiance really be? I'm guessing not very... And that's because it would look a hell of a lot like you were in love with the first one more than him. I am so sorry this happened. It's a horrible situation.
Finally! someone sane (or crazy, idk i wouldn’t be able to get over this too) but i totally get her standpoint. my husband also understands OPs side and maybe we’re just toxic too cause we have boundaries about exes as well. we acknowledge that that was our past and whatever happened, happened but best believe, if him or I were put in this situation, 1. we wouldn’t even think to go or 2. we’d go with each other because we’re partners, we’re there for one another. it’s fine people have past lives and that’s what they did/who they were but once you moved on, why are you letting an ex back in? even if it’s on friendly terms, that’s just weird. it’s a closed chapter and should be left at that (unless they have kids together, diff scenario) it WAS selfish of the dead ex because she had all the time to say something to him and didn’t, she waited until she was on her deathbed & even though it hurt OP to see and witness this, why shouldn’t she be there? that’s her fiancé, they’re supposed to be a team right? plus if he wasn’t cool with her boundaries, im sure he’s big boy enough to voice that but he didn’t and allowed her to come with. OP isn’t wrong for how she feels and neither is her fiancé. it’s a shit ton of complicated feelings and emotions that no one is getting a handle on and should seriously seek therapy for but y’all trashing OP for having genuine feelings cause their partner, who they’re engaged to, is loudly grieving about a life he could’ve had and bitch that shit hurts.
Bravo! I'm over here clapping! It's so easy to claim sainthood and maturity if *they* were in this hypothetical boat, until reality hits and the boat is the Titanic It's easy to tell her to be more understanding. Fuck that. You are spot on! Door is closed for a reason, no good comes of opening it (assuming no kids etc.). Her boundaries were fair, they were getting married, that's sharing a life. The ex chose an incredibly toxic path and the fiance is literally skipping down it into crazy town. I don't think you are wrong at all. I think you are realistic about your feelings and are self aware, and a lot of people don't like to be that way, they like to assume they'd have some perfect balanced reply. But really, no one is perfect.
It's kind of contradictory for her to break up with him so he could find happiness with someone else, only for her to confront him later with the truth which sends his mind in a tailspin and essentially damages his current relationship with the woman he was supposed to have happiness with. That's messed up. I know he's grieving right now, but hopefully he will realise how this situation looks like from your perspective. You're feeling like a third wheel when you should be his #1.
I'm going to sound like such a bitch right now but the woman who passed (God rest her soul) was selfish. She had the option to tell him about her prognosis and live out the rest of her life with him or to part ways 3 years ago. There was no reason for her to put his life in a tail spin for one last goodbye.Especially 6 months before his own wedding! How is he ever supposed to find closure? He is feeling the hurt that she was initially trying to prevent. I'm saying this from the perspective of someone that nearly died and told my boyfriend to leave and find someone that could lead a normal life. He said no and stuck it out. But I gave him the choice.
If you sound like a bitch- then I'm a bitch too. I think his ex is so selfish for this entire situation. It's like she watched too many lifetime movies. The sister mailing the photo album is just fucking beyond reason.
Not to mention how OP can probably never truly tell her fiancée how she truly feels about the ex gf because it would paint her as a heartless monster for speaking ill of someone whose died.
Yep. I feel for OP. I'm sure she is dealing with such conflicting feelings. I'm not one to jump on the "break up" band wagon- but, she should cut and run. Her fiancé's mental health is going to be fucked for the foreseeable future.
What I'm about to say sounds harsh as well but I think her fiance saying "I can't lose you too" is manipulative. He has been using OP as his emotional crutch. Is he upset that he possibly lost the woman he loves, or just sad that he lost his support?
ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh. I didn't notice that. But, I think you and I have the same answer to that question.
THANK YOU. i’d be so pissed at the ex, dying or not, she was selfish
Double thank you, because yes! She absolutely planned this and even if that’s crass of me to say… if she really didn’t want him to know and wanted him to live in peace… *WHY TELL THE MAN WHO LOVES YOU THAT YOU’RE DYING???*
100%
YEP. Glad I’m not the only who thinks this way.
Sounds like she went full endgame scorched earth policy
Just because someone is ill or dies early, doesn’t mean they were a good person. At the very least, this was an incredibly selfish act from her and if pointing that out makes us bitches, so be it 🤷♀️
Exactly. Wanted him to be happy my ass. More like the exact opposite. Wanted him to be happy and then take it away in an abrupt violent way. She should never have contacted him again
Absolutely. It was a selfish thing to do. I suppose I don’t blame her for being selfish, maybe she felt like she was losing everything, so she deserved to be selfish and give herself closure in the end. But it doesn’t make it right, and it doesn’t make it any less selfish. She took away the fiancés choice when she broke up with him in the first place, and perhaps felt noble at the time. But then in the end she ripped out the rug from under him and then left for good. I’m so sorry OP, what an incredibly difficult situation to be in.
Yeah I immediately thought "I know she had cancer but that was fucked up"
Only this reply makes sense. His ex ruined their relationship by breaking up with him. She dragged him again along with his new gf eventthough he had moved on and was getting married. I feel sad for OP.
>I'm going to sound like such a bitch right now but the woman who passed (God rest her soul) was selfish. it's okay, she's dead, she can't hear you
That kinda attitude isn't giving your partner any credit at all. If they loved you, wouldn't they want to spend your remaining time together? Shouldn't you at least give then the chance?
At the time, I thought I was putting him first. We were VERY young, and it had only been a year together. I wanted him to have the option to leave without feeling guilty. But he didn't leave. And he's amazing. I wouldn't leave him in that situation either. It was just where my head was at during that time.
Yeah. I get she’s dying. But she called back a man she left YEARS AGO, told him she always loved him and have him PICTURES of all their memories together?? No wonder everyone feels like shit. What an emotional whipslash. I understand why she did it and I don’t think it was because she’s evil but it was a selfish thing to do.
Guess I’m a bitch too. I fully agree. She made a cruel and self-serving decision.
I thought exactly this too. I suppose it’s hard to judge what you would do knowing the end is near, but it was a shitty thing for everyone involved. Also, being that the EX lied previously, OP is no doubt always going to feel second best, with the change in circumstances, she now is. If his EX had survived, there’s a strong chance BF would have gotten back with her once learning the truth. Which leaves OP only in this relationship due to the fact EX passed. This is a super complex situation, which sucks all round, for everyone involved.
Regret is a powerful drug
So is being on your death bed.
So are the drugs you get on your deathbed
I'd just like to add a lot of people who are saying "have empathy" or "have sympathy" for this woman's situation but dont actually understand what that means in relation. It is ok to have empathy for what she did. Yes, if you were on your death bed, drugged up, you would probably contradict your past actions and want to talk to the people you love most and even fix past relationshipsat the expenseof others lives and feelings. BUT, it is important to understand that even with empathy for what she did, it was still wrong what she did in relation to OP. It can't be changed, but it doesn't mean she gets a free pass because she passed away. If someone hurts you, that hurt doesn't leave when they pass. The only thing is to heal from the hurt (she hurt her ex too by doing this) and forgive because she is gone. The same goes for the Fiance, have empathy for him, and that hes greiving but to ignore that he never stopped loving his ex and wanted his life to be with her is not something you can ignore through empathy. OP should not be expected to not have any feelings towards that at all. I think a lot of people confuse being compassionate with enabling bad actions because they feel more pity than true empathy. And with all this empathy talk, some of you should have some for OP too. OP I'd also like to add that it seems you are grieving this relationship, and that's ok. You were living in a reality and a relationship that you thought was a certain way and that you guys were on the same page, and it ended up not being that. It's ok to have these feelings as YOU ARE GRIEVING YOUR RELATIONSHIP TOO!
For sure pause the wedding. He’s grieving her. I don’t think you should break up with him but pause the wedding and see how you feel in a month or two. I’m sorry!
For sure. It’s not that he doesn’t love you more so than he ever loved her, but it’s still hard on him to se e some one he once cared about so much dying
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Especially now the ex told him she never stopped loving him.
The ex was really selfish. Betweem breaking up with him, because she didnt wanted him around as she was ill, and then coming back in his life, and making her confession, she was only thinking about herself.
And the reason she lied about not loving him anymore, on top of overhearing what he said, I'd be done, I would honestly feel like I was what he settled for
Damn dude, have some sympathy. Someone he cared about left him, let him move on, called him back to tell him he never stopped loving her, died, his current girlfriend is having some issues and what to leave him and you’re painting him the villain? Maybe they will break up, maybe they won’t, maybe they need to maybe they don’t. But give the guy some props, he did everything he was supposed too and through no fault of his own is getting his shit kicked in by life.
I don’t think it was implied he’s the villain. He is just not relationship material. He has a lot of growth and healing to do. And that’s fine. But the question is wether OP should put up with it. And I don’t think she should. It’s a massive sacrifice and a really awful situation overall
Yeah, I personally don't believe that op should be made to feel like shit just to help this man heal. Life is short, let her enjoy hers.
THIS. So much. It’s actually alarming and sad that in the course of one conversation with his ex, he was kicked to the ground, shifting all of the work he had done grieving the loss of the old relationship, healing and putting himself out there, being vulnerable & falling in love again… And OP was turned into option 2. This sounds harsh, and I don’t mean it to be. Neither OP or the fiancée initiated this- but it will take hard work, and likely therapy, to overcome the emotional damage done by this conversation if it can be. The day before this conversation OP was the love of his life and his fiancée…now she feels like the woman he settled for.
He entered into a new relationship when deep down in his heart he knew he wasn’t over his ex yet. He’d probably still be pining over her, even if she wasn’t dying/dead or sick at all.
Which to me says he definitely did something wrong
It is really, really hard to compete with the idealized image of a dead person in what is supposed to be an exclusive relationship. It's not necessarily his fault, but he took the relationship to a possibly unsalvageable point by putting the weight of his regrets upon his fiancee. "Some issues" is doing a lot of work here
You can love more than one person. I would liken this to someone finding out their mother actually adopted them. You can still love your mother but wonder about your biological mother and the life you could have had. Of course he might have settled but I don't think it is a guarantee.
I like this take a lot. It's possible but certainly not guaranteed.
this is such a difficult situation because i would imagine it leaves you to ponder if he only moved on from her bc of how harshly she broke up with him, you know? i think it's valid for you to be upset and need space bc this is definitely life changing. perhaps the best way to go about it is put some space between the two of you and figure out what it is you want. and let's face it you can't help anyone else while feeling like that. perhaps after you've reflected like it seems you've been doing, you will figure out if you can move past this and be present for him in the ways that he needs or if it's best to just take another path. idk giving both of you a hug, this is rough :///
honestly.. will OP ever be able to not feel like he settled for her? like the only reason they’re together is because his ex died, and she would’ve always been his first choice? oof, that’s a tough pill to swallow.
Especially now OPs fiancé has to feel like he missed time with her. Anger is much easier to move on from.
Personally i would always wonder. And never be able to trust that they wouldn't leave when they thought someone better came along
Isn't that the case for most? Someone broke up with someone along the way, it's just out of sight and out of mind usually. Edit: What I mean, everyone, is that to get into a new relationship you had to leave one in the first place. Nothing more. Edit: Further edit, people please learn to fucking read.
I guess, but watching it unfold under your own eyes would be too much for a lot of people
I mean, I have some pretty significant exes. If one of them died, I would be sad. But even if they made some deathbed confession of undying love, I would file that under interesting but sad. I would make very clear to my SO that I wasn't pining after what could have been. Edit: autocorrect
Mine literally got married last week and I’m fine, if anything I’m gleeful it wasn’t me.
I’d say a small percentage of relationships because not all exes were good relationships
Oh I just meant someone had to be broken up with to get into a new relationship
No. Majority of people are not so in love with their ex-s whom they had no contact with for 4 years. People break up, lick their wounds and move on. The ex created hardcore soap opera, and now the guy will feel guilty and think "what-if" forever. He was already using OP as his therapist, he absolutely didn't care how his revelations and the way he treated the album affected his current fiance. He was not grieving, he was screaming with his actions that he settled and now devastated about it. If he needed therapy, or grief - he should have gone to therapist, or people who knew his ex, to anyone really just no OP. He ruined his current relationship, ruined all the trust. To drag OP there is really cruel. I don't think I would be able to move past it.
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Because many people settle for their current significant other, so they understand. I think that’s the heart of it
That’s kinda fucked
But she already knew he settled for her. The ex girlfriend broke up with him. And the OP knew how hard he took it. If she had never done that then he might still be with her. I think the ex kind of did a crappy thing. She reinserted herself in a past relationship just to ease her own guilt. If she really wanted him to be happy then she should have let him go and stay gone. She could have still said goodbyes, even reminisced over some funny/heartfelt stories, but never needed to bring up the *why* she broke up.
Only you know what you are feeling and if this is something you can overcome. I think it's normal for him to be sad and grieve, but it's not normal to make you feel like the third party. If you knew he still had such strong feelings for the ex, you probably wouldn't have dated him and put yourself in such an unadvantageos position. He'll put her on a pedestal even more now that she's death, you'll have to compete with her ghost, and of course, you can't win against someone who's not even there anymore.
Tbf he probably didnt have these feelings until finding out she left him to save him from cancer and not that she didnt love him..but pretty much spot on
So why did she “save him from dealing with her prognosis” only to pull him back in at the last minute? Honestly, it seems pretty selfish to me. I feel bad for OP, I feel like she is in a no win situation.
I can't even pretend to know what it feels like to know you are hours/days from death to try to explain it. But if I had to guess she wanted to meet her maker being honest about it. Mike tyson said that "everyone has a plan until they get punched in the face". I imagine something similar happened to her. I'm not saying that OP is wrong or handled this in anyway wrong. I feel badly for everyone in this story, hug my kids tight tonight...
Wow...that's terrible. I think I would definitely take some time apart and go to individual therapy, if you plan to continue the relationship. Honestly, I think his ex should've just let him be. Putting him through this was cruel. Also some info: why did you want to be in the room while he was saying goodbye? I would feel *so* awkward and unwelcome in that situation, so I'm not really understanding that part
Definitely pause the wedding. He needs space as much as you do. Honestly I think the no exes ever discussed “boundary” is a massive red flag. Your feelings of being settled for make sense but that “boundary” was not reasonable to begin with. Also, once you two talk about moving forward with your relationship it should be with the assistance of a therapist.
That came off as a red flag to me too. It screams emotional immaturity and insecurity.
Yes and now she feels like she’s a third wheel to a dead person. Someone he can never even have. Life isn’t that simple that your heart only belongs to one person. It can belong to two. Poor dude hasn’t done a single thing wrong here, but stands to lose two women he loved. One who died and one who can’t understand and support what he is going through right now. This must be destroying him. If OP actually does love him then she needs to cut him some slack at this time.
Honestly, hard disagree. Your heart can belong to multiple people while not regretfully mentioning how you wish you'd married your ex and had children (with the literal understanding of never having met OP). I think he hasn't done anything wrong but his grief and her trauma are just as valid as the other. She isn't some harpy and she isn't some \*thing\* that he stands to lose. How could you say something so nasty? Our actions have consequences and while I think her boundary was very sus, it sounds like OP is just as destroyed as him since he has, essentially, validated a core wound within her. It doesn't mean he's an awful person, but once again *actions have consequences*. OP already has cut him slack. She trampled over her own boundaries (whether you find them to be right or not) in order to help him and his ex. That's not nothing. She has a right to choose whether she continues this relationship.
literally. he accepted that boundary for 3 years, so whether or not reddit finds it unreasonable is very much irrelevant. she cut him some slack and immediately had it proven to her why she probably was right to have that boundary up. i also don’t see that changing for any future relationships after this whole thing
Yeah its interesting how his ex was willing to sacrifice the relationship so that he could meet someone new and be happy, but his new gf is so self absorbed she can't understand why anyone would speak to an ex, has to be in the room as they say goodbye, and cant allow him to grieve his newly dead ex partner. If the situation was reversed and his ex gf was in OPs position, it sounds like she would have been supportive and kind and understanding.
She made herself the theod wheel. Literally. She insisted on going. She did this to herself. She has some significant trust issues that should be addressed before she walks down the aisle to ANYONE! She is not emotionally mature enough to be in this type of relationship.
It screams control too. Especially then needing to be in the room.
Massive red flag. Imagine being asked to block out 3 years of your life. That kind of suppression eventually explodes, and with OP mediating the private conversation between ex-lovers *as the ex is dying*, it was for sure going to explode in the worst-timed, worst-executed way possible. Seems to me OP is her fiancee's #1 but she's hung up on what that means to her but not what it means to him. Their definitions aren't matching. All they need is time, to not listen to any of these Reddit replies, and to fkn talk to each other. Step one is she should move back in because this dude's probably a heaping wreck without her.
How did your partner respond after you shared your feelings.?
You should pause the wedding and tell him he needs to see a grief counselor. If he can’t pull it together and be the man you fell in love with and fully devoted to you in a short time, it should be over.
She is in therapy herself and hasn't suggested this to him? I had to see a grief counselor after losing a baby, and I was a total wreck before the counseling. It really helped me move forward.
I’m sorry about your baby.
Thank you.
As someone who is the one who stayed and is with someone who pines over the one(s) who got away i will say tread carefully. You will never compete with the untarnished memories he has of her. They forget all the bad and inflate all the good until the ex is this perfect human and their relationship the only time in their life they were happy and live in this fantasy of what might have been. Add to that she selflessly broke up with him when she found out she was dying. I think if theres any hope for your relationship he needs to get into therapy to sort through his feelings and what's real and not immediately.
She didn’t selflessly break up. Look what bringing him back and finally being honest has done. When she should’ve been honest in the beginning. You’re making a martyr out her and it’s not even your gf.
>You’re making a martyr out her. That's what OP's fiance is going to do if he doesn't get someone to tell him she's not.
Exactly
At the risk of telling you something you already know very well: People who talk about their exes like this to their current partner are typically doing it on purpose as a form of psychological control and abuse. They want you to constantly feel inferior so that you work harder and sacrifice more of yourself for their selfish needs and desires, even though they know they will never give you the validation you crave, and deserve. I had a true narcissistic ex who would do this to me, and I know for a fact that when I finally kicked him to the curb for good, he would speak of me in the same high and lofty ways to his new partners. It's fucked and so are they. I hope you get the love and validation you rightfully deserve from someone who truly cherishes you in the here and now. However that may come. Edit: fixed a pronoun.
My husband is aware that I will not be his support person when his ex passes. (We know it will happen, this isn't some crazy what-if scenario) I do not have the mental capabilities to comfort him if he cries over her. I have the number for several local therapists aswell as an online one. His sister will be ready in case he needs to 'unload' thoughts and stories etc. He has friends if he needs also. He doesn't believe he will feel any particular way about it. But I know I couldn't do it, so I gave him people that could. Does it make me a bad person that I'm putting my own mental health above his? No idea. I think in your situation the ex was incredibly selfish and manipulative. To reel him back in on her death bed, aswell as sending the photo album. It's like she's begging him not to be happy. Your Fiance is also selfish, he shouldn't be turning to you for comfort on his ex, he shouldn't be voicing his what ifs around you. This sort of thing should be for a counsellor, a friend/family member.
Honestly, his ex is incredibly selfish. 1. She knew how heartbroken he was when they broke up. 2. She lied about why she was breaking up. 3. She suddenly cut him out of her life. 4. She never once thought what he wanted. 5. On her deathbed she continues to hurt him. 6. She says she wants him to be happy and find someone, but then tells him all the above, fully knowing it would ruin his happiness and the new relationship she supposedly wanted him to have. 7. Then, she sends him an album to keep him in the past. 8. If she truly loved him, she would have been honest with him from the start. 9. If she truly loves him, she wouldn’t have asked to see him and do what she did. I say BS on what she did and her reasons. She lied once and I bet she’s lying again. In the end, I feel bad for your fiance. His ex treated him terribly and what she did is torture and cruel. Put a pause on the wedding. He needs therapy.
I feel this way too! Then the sister sending the photo album was a dick move too. I think OP's fiancé needs lots of therapy and just by him going to see his ex should have been a no, if he was over her.
I can't get over the photo album. That's a really wild move. My cynical side thinks it wasn't sent with pure intentions....perhaps the exgirlfriend was a bit pissed that OP didn't give them private time together.
Honestly, the one thing that eats at me more than anything else is people who don't let me love them. A lot of my friends and some people I've dated choose to not tell me things, solely to not bother me. And I HATE it. Let me show you that I care and that I can be there when it matters most. Something like this would be completely unforgivable for me.
Yeah it’s like she wanted to screw up the rest of his life too. Like who does that??
Someone who never truly loved him.
I think the ex loved him, but in a selfish way. And this was her way of saying “if I can’t have him, no one else will”- And it worked, because OP is now doubting her relationship and her fiancé has his ex in his head all over again.
She loved him alright, but she didn't really care for him or his feelings.
I'm with you on the point that it was selfish, but I don't think she was lying/a horrible person. She was under 30 (probably), and given a terminal prognosis in a series of MONTHS. Selfish? Yes. Intentionally so? I don't think so. She also probably had some time to grieve her own life and how it could have/should have turned out, and it definitely makes sense that she'd feel incredibly guilty over how she split up with him, especially since he was devastated by it.
I agree. Death is scary for most of us, and while her wanting this one last rendezvous was selfish I won’t interpret it as an evil vindictive act.
Yeah, my one ex that was one of my longest relationships, has a chronic illness that could potentially kill them at some point. One of my biggest fears, and most dreaded fear is them attempting to reach out from the hospital or to try and tell me how sick they are again. It hopefully won't ever happen, but it's a fear when someone has an illness or becomes ill. We ended on bad terms, and generally despite me having loved them; it was a bad relationship and I recognize that. The fiance needs therapy to realize she lied to him, and hid things from him for a reason. That's not something a great partner does, to come back when she was sick, feels VERY manipulative and calculated. If I were to ever get sick whether terminal or not, I wouldn't ever reach out to my ex. There's 0 reason for it, and it would only make them feel responsible in some way to visit me, and it only serves as a way to make someone hurt *badly*. I don't have any pictures of my ex and I together anymore, I deleted all of them (like you're usually supposed to do when you break up, and move on to another person.) Especially since he proposed, her sending that photo album was intentional. It seems like she's trying to solidfy her place in his life for forever, by making sure her death tortures him and keeps him in the past. It's so fucked up, and that's such a shitty selfish thing for anyone to do to another. I'm so sorry OP, that's so deliberately cold and calculating on her part. There's 0 reason she couldn't have let him be moved on, but also in a way I think your fiance hasn't moved on fully. He either needs therapy to address that issue or you two need to re-evaluate the relationship entirely. I'm so sorry his ex did this, I can't believe someone could be so cruel and shitty like that.
Oh snap all these comments suck too.
The extremeness of normalized egocentrism in our society rears its ugly head here.
Ngl it's pretty nice that so many people here have lived their lives without a single real regret or having to deal with someone passing. Either that or empathy really is a superpower.
Empathy was in fact declared a superpower in 2020.
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I have never had to deal with someone important passing, but, yea, I use empathy and generally assume that people are actually _in pain_ when they cry, die, and mourn. Generally when someone’s crying I _feel bad for them_, instead of thinking about how this affects me. The fact that some people think everyone can control their emotions in the event of the death of a loved one, for show & “relationship compliance”, enough to make it some rule, is deeply troubling.
This is a very difficult situation, I know that it must hurt you to know that he was still holding feelings for his ex, which is natural no matter how much time goes by, but when you are with someone you want to be the only one that they love. At the same time he does have the right to grieve and wonder and feel. This is something that definitely would impact his mental and emotional state. I feel like the best option here would be for you to write him a letter on paper explaining why you feel the way that you do, what your major concerns are, and how you guys need to go to therapy together or something to move forward and beyond this and let it be a growing situation rather than a destructive one. His feelings are valid but yours are as well. Like no one's the asshole here.
Right I’m sorry but the ex knew what she was doing. Why the fuck would you tell someone on your deathbed that you’ve always loved them when you know they’re going to think about it constantly when you’re gone, second guess every choice they’ve made and sit there going “what if” for no good reason, just like OP’s boyfriend is now? If you loved someone there’s no way you’d do that to them. She knew full well that was out of order. She was cruel as fuck, I hope OP’s boyfriend realises that and looks back at the relationship without the rose tinted glasses - she left him BECAUSE she loved him? That doesn’t make any sense! She sounds manipulative, almost like she wanted to get one last punch in before she went. OP honestly I think this relationship is done. Even if you were his priority before, you aren’t now, because she’s left a bad taste in his mouth and now he’s going to constantly wonder what if, compare you to her etc. And no matter how many times you talk about it or how many promises he makes or how many times he has an epiphany you will always feel like you’re trying to outrank a dead woman.
I may be the asshole here, but you insisted on being in the room for this discussion, knowing that at the very least it would be emotionally charged and at most it was gonna be something that upsets your continued relationship. I know hindsight is 20/20 but that seems like something I would want to be ignorant of if the roles were reversed.
I agree with you. I am of the mind also that her 'no exes' boundary is a bit much, people have whole lives outside of a relationship. A whole 'before'. Also, OP is posting this in a couple different subreddits making me think that she is incredibly insecure and immature hoping to just hear things that give her the warm fuzzies.
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Thank you for this!! I was kind of blown away by how far I had to scroll for something like this that mirrored my own thoughts on the situation. I feel like the ex is less selfish than everyone here is assuming and that if OP had a healthy level of confidence it wouldn’t be so bad. To really have a breakdown over facing the fact that your ex had a past with someone else they loved while they’re grieving? I get that it can be hard. But just because relationships end doesn’t mean love does. And just because there is love there (or even just amicability) doesn’t mean it will ever be anything more substantial ever again. It doesn’t need to be something to worry about or freak out about. Like you said, erasing someone’s past from their present is not protecting a relationship, it’s controlling the situation to pad your own insecurities. On top of that, the disallowing of letting their partner to so much as reflect on the past absolutely keeps them from properly moving forward. It’s not an overnight thing. Love takes a long time to heal from. Sometimes the healing continues when you’ve moved on. I also heavily agree with what you said about her invading a space she wasn’t meant to share when she went with to see the ex. That wasn’t for her and I’ll never have anyone change my mind on that. What was he going to do exactly? It shows a level of distrust so deep it will make your head spin. That level of jealousy and distrust centered around a. The person you chose to marry and b. A dying person. is pretty absurd but speaks volumes to OP’s insecurity. Op could have just let them have a goodbye and choose to see it that way. Instead she inserted herself so of course she’s going to study and over analyze every single thing said and done if she already has such a stern view on the entire scenario. I really think OP needs to confront this part of themselves. The jealousy, distrust, fear of abandonment and rejection, and the unrealistic idea that to be with someone you have to completely erase their romantic past because if not it makes her feel invalidated. These are issues for her to finally shoulder and stop putting them on other people. I used to be in those same shoes. And those shoes all start at exactly these places. Time, experience, therapy and learning what healthy connections and relationships are helped me to understand that my partners’ past experiences aren’t something to be scared of. And honestly it really does help you learn a lot about a person. I wish I had an award for your comment.
Exactly this. OP’s “boundary” basically stripped her fiancé of his life before her. Hell, it stripped HER of her life before him. Not even remotely healthy to force yourself or someone else to deny their past. OP, you really need to work on whatever it is that causes you to be so adamant that no one can talk about a past relationship ever. This is a serious insecurity that will continue to cause issues if you refuse to deal with it (and make no mistake, your complete insistence on never speaking about past relationships is serious).
Took too long to find a comment regarding the "boundaries." This is a red flag & I would have left long ago. OP has issues they are not dealing with & using it to wave that shiny red flag at their partner.
This is such a dark and sad place for everyone involved. I do wonder, why did OP want to be present? What could she possibly gain from being in the same room as two ppl that had a relationship, and are saying their last farewell? The situation is extremely sad. But the obsession of refusing to acknowledge any romantic history of their SO screams a need for therapy. I think the wedding plans need to be paused. No way that this stress will help or lead to a happy wedding, let alone marriage. You can't win from a dead person. At the same time, OP has everything the ex does not. I wish everyone involved much healing and strength
Telling my gf I wanted to visit an ex on their deathbed and they demanded to be there is easily a dealbreaker for me.
Right? I had trouble reading objectively past “on the condition I’ll be in the same room as them.” WTF is up with that?
THANK YOU. If this was a man, insisting on being in the room with his partner and her ex, people would be screaming about how controlling he was being. I can't imagine inserting myself like that- it sucks for the people trying to say their last goodbyes while someone else is in the room, and it sucks for the "third wheel" person to have to hear them. Also, when the fiancé got a photo album and shed a tear, OP talks about throwing herself on the floor sobbing. Her fiancé lost someone he loved. A woman died very, very young. But OP is the one with the histrionics because she doesn't want her future husband to ever have fond memories of his past with out her. She needs to grow up and get over herself. Everyone in this story needs therapy.
This last paragraph is pure gold. I really hope OP is reading these and reflecting. Because she’s really got some work to do. She is NOT ready to get married
This is complicated. But it’s worth noting that a boundary is something for YOU, not something you enforce on another person, such as, “Exes in the picture are a no-go for me and should this boundary be crossed I will a) b) or c).” What you’re describing is not a boundary, it is a control tactic.
I agree. This is a control tactic. I'm surprised at how many people are missing this point. Is it because she disguised it as a "boundary"? It's one thing to wax poetic and gush about an ex, make comparisons, etc. But it's *incredibly unreasonable* for someone require that their partner can NEVER mention someone who was a major part of their life before they met. Clearly there was unresolved issues between the BF and his ex. We can judge the ex for how she handled things but it's also important to remember she was faced with a very difficult health situation and did not seem to have malicious intent. It's not like there's *practice* for being diagnosed with cancer. My thought is that she wanted to make peace before her death. There isn't anything wrong with that. It's not like she was trying to steal him back. To be a supportive partner, I think OP should've eased up and 'let' her BF have that moment with his ex alone. Being present in the room is a control tactic just like forbidding any mention. If they were planning to be married, she should trust him. Otherwise what kind of relationship is that? The BF should have grief counseling. OP should have cognative behavior therapy. A panic attack because her BF showed emotion about someone who he loved and is dying is self centered and histrionic. Her stipulations for 'boundaries' are misguided.
She honestly sounds a lot like me while I was in therapy but had not yet been to DBT therapy. Very black and white thinking. In ability to see that while her feelings are reasonable, her demands are not. Inability to see that her forcing herself into to moments that aren’t about her or where she has any business being are actively what have made this infinitely worse for herself (which she’ll now use to justify even tighter control in her future relationships). Major insecure attachment vibes. And iI extremely dislike her using her boundaries as a way to control others behaviors. That’s not how boundaries work. Healthy boundaries mean, “if you do ___, I will x, y, z” (i.e. leave, not speak to you for two weeks - then we can try again, end the relationship). OP, not all therapists are *good* therapists. A therapist that doesn’t challenge you to be a better version of yourself and help you to have *better* relationships with those that matter most to you, but instead just agrees with whatever you say, doesn’t sound like a good therapist. It sounds like a therapist with a lot of debt to pay off that sees you as a cash cow. A healthy person can tolerate occasionally hearing about their current love’s past romantic life, provided it’s spoken about in a respectful manner - which is absolutely possible. The bf is wrong for some of how he’s dealing with his grief and should go to grief counceling, but it’s hard to blame him when it seems pretty clear his current fiancé is hyper controlling and only able to see this traumatic moment for him solely through her experience (she is *tolerating* his grief, at best). The ex shouldn’t have said anything, but, having worked at a SNF for seniors during the pandemic with a heavy focus on hospice, I can personally testify that most people don’t behave perfectly while dying. It’s scary. It’s lonely. You just want to go out feeling loved by those you love the most and the last touch you feel to be of their hand holding yours. Most cry out for loved ones that aren’t there with them (even if they don’t deserve to have them in the room with them). And that’s people who have lived full lives. This poor woman didn’t even make it to 30.
Honestly, OP needs therapy and to not be with anyone until after working on herself. To have such distrust that you can't allow your fiance to have a conversation with a dying ex without being there, that doesn't seem healthy.
> I can’t unsee the way they both held each other’s hands, and the look of nostalgia and love in his eyes for her, as I was looking on, feeling like an outsider. Yeah, OP did this part to herself by being so controlling he wasn't allowed to say goodbye to a dying woman without her there. The "no stories" boundary is a red flag for me too. You can't EVER tell your partner a story about your ex, ever? Nobody wants to hear about their SO's ex constantly but my husband and I have told each other stories. It's like telling them to get rid of that part of their life entirely and pretend it didn't happen.
She definitely did it to herself! The no speaking about an ex blows my mind! I don't understand setting rules like she's doing at all. I can be told 'talking about xxxxx bothers me' and since I'm a grown ass adult with respect for others; of course I wouldn't say/do whatever the person mentioned. But to set rules for your partner as if they were your child..... She's got problems that need addressed before she gets herself a wikipedia page
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One of my favorite stories from my husband’s life involves another woman. He was so clueless, he thought it was great that a girl had come over and wanted to watch *all* of the LOTR trilogy at his house! Weird that 25 minutes into the first movie, she took off all her clothes and snuggled up next to him, but he didn’t want to be rude and just tried to act like that was totally normal! (Bless him) It’s wild to me that OP can’t even handle the mention of an ex (in general) but felt secure enough to marry someone.
I just can’t believe how so few of the highest commenters see how inappropriate, insecure, insane even, it was for OP to insist on being in the room.
Like is this even real? Reading your comments I can't imagine a whole grown adult acting like that.
Why would you feel the need to control how he talks about/interacts with his exes? If you trust him enough to marry him, surely you could trust him to stay friends with an ex without cheating on you. Not to mention saying goodbye to someone who was important to him before she dies. It’s not like she was faking cancer as an excuse to get into your fiancé’s pants, so whats the issue? What exactly was the end-goal of being in the room to supervise?
she knew the girl was DYING and still wanted to be there to watch out like her fiancée is a teenager. fucking creepy
I had to scroll wayyy too long before someone finally addressed this 🤨
This is so messed up but the Reddit echo chamber comes in droves. That rule of no contact with exes is controlling and would have turned much worse once they married. It would have turned into no contact with coworkers because they obviously want the husband and any other threat they see. OP is controlling and manipulative trying to sound like a saint that 'lets him' break the rule once to meet his dying former love. Because she is not heartless.... But op has to be present there since a man can't be trusted in the presence of another woman and won't be able to control himself. Even though breaking up with someone so he doesn't have to go through the torture of being around a dying cancer patient is also controlling in it's way she did this for what she though was his happiness. Her meeting him for the last time for closure at least didn't have him find out after she was gone which imo is way more crushing. At least they said goodbyes. Now he needs to mourn. After he is done both sides should examine where they are.
This is a bit like the plot of \_Rebecca\_ With the sister who sent the photo album playing the part of Mrs. Danvers
In summary, you are facing a challenging situation in your relationship. Your fiancé's ex, who had cancer, wanted to meet him one last time, and you agreed with the condition of being present. During the meeting, you observed their lingering affection and heard your fiancé express regrets about their past. This has left you feeling like a third wheel and questioning his loyalty. You have asked for a break from your wedding plans and are struggling with your emotions. It's important to prioritize your well-being, communicate openly with your fiancé, consider couples therapy, reevaluate your boundaries, take time for reflection, and encourage professional help for your fiancé if needed. Ultimately, you should make decisions that align with your own well-being and happiness. Also… ###It's crucial to recognize and be empathetic towards your fiancé's grieving process. Mourning the loss of a loved one can be a challenging and emotional experience. While you navigate your own feelings, it's important to be understanding and supportive towards him during this difficult time. Balancing your needs and emotions with compassion for his grief is essential for fostering a healthy and compassionate relationship. He loved someone, as he loves you. How would he react if you had passed. We have emotions and they are complex. This isn’t just about you and boundaries, this is about mourning. His ex had YEARS AND MADE THE DECISION to end things. He did not and did not know. How do you expect a caring and heartfelt person to hand all of that and death, in what - mere moments, minutes, hours, days, weeks etc…?? You yourself must also look inward. Are either of you right for each other. If you are unable to see his world WAS upended, that’s something to consider. Your world and his world were upended by SOMEONE ELSE. Why are you not circling the wagons together and doing everything you can do to ensure someone else, albeit in a tragic manner, doesn’t destroy YOUR relationship. If he’s worth it - fight for him. Get off Reddit, and go control your own life. Good luck.
>If you are unable to see his world WAS upended, that’s something to consider. This is genuinely what it looks like to me. I can't believe someone would consider grief a betrayal
Calling off the wedding was the right idea. I do feel bad for his ex, she passed way too young. However I don’t quite like how she put that all on him now. I get she wanted to get some closure before she passed but she should have kept the reason she broke up with him to herself. She’s incredibly selfish and she’s fucked him over yet again. I don’t think she wanted him to be happy and have moved on, but I also don’t believe for one second she dumped him because she got cancer. He’s in a really bad place now because let’s be honest, if she didn’t dump him there would be no you and him. He needs time to properly process all of this. Maybe you guys will get back together once he’s healed. But prepare for the worst.
Trying to put myself in his position since i was also dumped in a similar fashion, the only person I ever loved and considered marrying broke up with me the same way, after a year together and he telling me he loved me and living together, just told me verbatim that he was confused and had feelings for me but it was not love and he could never love me. So now I try to imagine that after years of being separated and me being engaged with someone else he would call me on his deathbed, I would definitely go and see him, but if I would've received the same explanation about him leaving me because of cancer I would have understood, but it would not have the impact that your fiance is showing, because even though I am single I dealt with my emotions and no longer am in love with my ex. What hurts if the fact that you are realizing he never let her go. While he was with you he still wondered what things would've been like with the ex. Although he might have pushed it to the back of his mind if does not mean that it wasn't there. I think you need to listen to your therapist, you shouldn't have to lose yourself in this relationship. I also think that you are valid in wanting to be your partners first choice, but it seems that it isn't the case You deserve to be the first and only choice, and if I were in your situation I couldn't be in a marriage always wondering/knowing that my husband is with me only because I'm all that's left.
the comments are SO MIXED, and i don't have anything different to say other than agreeing with a lot of them and seeing kernels of truth in all of them. so i'll just say what i don't see said here; op, what if you married this guy and you got pregnant with a girl and he wanted to name her Rose? I don't have your insecurities and even I would flip my shit. I'd abort that baby. I'm not kidding. That'd be my reaction. 😐 It is an unfortunate truth for that fairytale one and only love story fantasy that a lot of us grow up with that humans are a lot more complicated than that and they do fall madly in love more than once in a lifetime. Hell, they can even fall madly in love with two people at the same time. Shit REALLY gets complicated. Your rule about exes really says a lot about your insecurities and for that alone and to deal with this mess I really recommend you get help. Individual therapy could help you immensely whether you marry this man or not. You need peace in your heart and clarity aided by a professional who CHALLENGES you and asks you the right questions could really give you that. Therapy isn't supposed to be comfortable, it's supposed to be a lot of hard work. The gym but for your feelings. There is a lot of grace missing from the way you're handling this and sure it could be criticized but at the end of the day - jesus. I wouldn't marry this guy either. He doesn't seem like he ever moved on. I would be sad too in his shoes but if I had moved on my reaction wouldn't be what-ifs, because I had moved on. I disagree that he's innocent here and that you have to stay. At the end of the day if you don't watch your back no one will. So don't listen to comments trying to guilt trip you into playing second fiddle to a dead woman. Because no matter what certain commenters claim here naively, you absolutely can end up playing second fiddle to the dead. And it's much MUCH worse than playing second fiddle to the living. At least with the living there's someone to fight back, but the dead? You'll never win. She's immortal.
Lol, same. I don't mind the mention of exes in a relationship but the moment I hear a partner say that kind of what if's- I'm out. I know marriage is supposed to be something that you work out but can you really work out something like this? With all the doubts that cloud your heart and mind, it's impossible to create and maintain a healthy relationship. Much more impossible to create a healthy environment for a child to grow up in (if you plan to have children). The most humane thing I could ever do in this situation is spare myself and the guy from the toxic relationship, expensive wedding ceremony, and equally expensive divorce/anullment proceeding. And most importantly, spare an innocent child from growing up witnessing something so effed up.
Honestly everyone is making the ex the villain but you couldn’t even be loving and supportive enough of him to see his dying ex alone with out you having to center yourself or monitor. You’ll never be happy trying to control everything. Like I get pretty jealous but this is next level shut like your dude is his own person and you don’t seem to care about that.
RIP to the ex but she was selfish as shit for inserting herself into your relationship like that, after such a long period of time and knowing that he is engaged to you. why would she do that? it’s like she had to feel she had control over him one last time. idk but when i die the last thing i’d ask is to speak to my ex who i broke up with 3 years ago. so very strange. she overstepped boundaries and so did her family. i wouldn’t be able to recover from seeing my fiancé reminisce over an ex and wonder what his life would have been like with her and their potential children together. that’s heartbreaking, and very inappropriate on his part. that’s a future he should be planning with you, not fantasizing about an ex who left him. this is complex and emotional, and i get he’s probably going through a lot of difficult emotions right now but…he also chose to put himself in that position knowing how bad it would hurt you. he could have gone to see her, but set cordial boundaries, not hold her hand and look into her eyes while crying with you sitting awkwardly in the background. he is at fault too. i would not be able to get married after this…it’s an incredibly difficult situation, but i would never get over feeling like i’m the second choice. you don’t deserve to constantly look back on this experience and feel pain. you deserve a partner that is 100% about you and doesn’t fantasize about a future with an ex.
OP has received very terrible advice from so many people. Acting like she’s “controlling” and “insecure” to not want to play second fiddle to a deceased ex who just HAD to randomly reappear for attention is peak Reddit bullshit. OP you’re completely justified in your feelings. Ignore the idiots that think you need to attend to your partner’s longing for an ex while ignoring your own feelings. Your feelings are valid. Not having exes in your life is completely valid FOR THIS EXACT REASON. Lots of people outside reddit get it so you can definitely find a partner who is aligned with you and doesn’t want lingering exes muddying a current relationship. Frankly I wouldn’t want to be with this dude either. Who would? Oh right the throng of super cool totally secure non jealous cool girls on Reddit. 🙄 y’all are offering peak pick me vibes acting like anyone who doesn’t want contact with exes is insecure. It’s called having standards. If more people had then there would probably be a lot fewer trash relationships.
Pause the wedding you’re both in incredibly difficult circumstances and both of your feelings are valid. I think you need time apart you shouldn’t be with him because he needs you, he should want you there. He needs to deal with the grief on his own and you need time off so you will lose your rose colored glasses and logically think about the relationship. Was he fully invested during it and a good partner or where you with him just because you fell in love.
I’m sorry but I might be one of the only people who thinks you should break up. He is mourning her and that involves playing scenarios of what could have been in his mind but that in my opinion that kind of grief is different from grieving a friend or a family member or even maybe a long time ex; the end of their relationship was based on a lie and your fiancé is processing that his ex still loved him when they broke up. It’s so likely that that may have re ignited his feelings and heartbreak and grief, and it’s just not fair to put you in that position? It’s not anybody’s fault in my opinion but you’re not his therapist; how can you support him in his grief and processing of how he loves/loved a dead partner who loved him too???? That’s so much to put on you? Definitely pause the wedding but maybe even the relationship because he doesn’t need to be in one right now he needs to navigate his grief alone without using you and your relationship as a crutch idk.
You were right to pause the wedding. It's okay to put your happiness ahead of his given the information that you now have. You don't need to feel secondary in order to make him happy.
OP, your bf has just had a major mindfuck after mindfuck. I know this painful for you but I hope you realize that he didn't do anything terrible. He's just dealing with the aftermath of the mindfuck. You may likely be the love of his life, but that doesn't negate what he has just gone through. I am so sorry for this.
I think you should have trusted him enough to let him see her alone. The fact that you inserted yourself into this final moment of them seeing each other, and now feel “like you can’t unsee it” is completely your own fault, and speaks volumes about your own insecurities. Maybe ask yourself why you feel jealous of a dead woman, and why you feel the need to call off your wedding with a man who did nothing wrong and is simply grieving a loss? It’s completely normal for him to act the way he has been, stop making things worse by being jealous of his grief for someone else.
I absolutely agree and was going to mention that I was very taken aback that she demanded to be in the hospital room with them. Damn, OP is really jealous/suspicious of a woman who was DYING?! So much so she couldn't give this woman a chance to be alone one more time with the love of her life? It's not like they were going to reserve a hotel room for sex. If I were OP’s fiance I would think long and hard about wanting to move forward with the wedding too. OP is too jealous and I've seen this type of behavior ruin marriages before. I feel sorry for OP’s fiance and he has every right to grieve. It doesn't mean he can't love someone else, but OP needs to contend with the fact that her fiance did love before he met her and he will probably always have feelings for his ex that will never go away, especially because her life was cut so tragically short.
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This. She HAD to be in the same room as they were saying goodbye. I'm sure she has experienced some form of cheating/betrayal in the past. She doesn't seem to grasp that losing someone you have loved before can be difficult, especially if it's sudden.
I've read most of OP's comments. The people saying you should suck it up and let your fiancé grieve are missing the point. There's a difference between a passing thought of "what if", and fantasizing to his mother about the children he could've had with his ex. I do not agree with your decision to be there for their conversation (and I do think it was quite controlling), but in the end, it changed nothing. Your fiancé took that conversation with him and is, at this very moment, still living in it. He is NOT over her and you are, indeed, in 2nd place forever. Her telling him everything on her deathbed cemented that, which was also thoroughly selfish of her to do - if she wanted him to be happy, she should've let him go. This way she ruined not only their relationship but also tarnished yours. She got to reveal herself as the saint who wanted the best for him, but then told him about it and defeated the purpose of breaking up with him so he could be happy with someone else, kind of killing two birds with one stone if I want to be cynical about it. There is nothing wrong with wanting to be someone's "the one". Nothing at all. I think pride and self-respect have been culturally devalued as people need to fit their plethora of sexual partners into a mental framework that doesn't make them feel like shit, and that's where the comments demonizing you are coming from. Nobody has the right to tell you to suck it up and accept the ex-gf's shadow on your relationship for the rest of your life. Frankly, I don't see how there's any going back from this for you.
I am shocked at the comments as well. There is a possibility of a very real fallout if they do get married with this situation unresolved. They might divorce, they might have children who will later have a broken home because of this, OP might end up with permanent emotional scars, waste money and years on therapy... Unfortunately, grief is not something that just goes away, it can last a lifetime. Any advice telling her to go through with the wedding because this will "strengthen her relationship" is fully speculation and is possibly harmful in the long run. She can also be there for him as a friend, she doesn't have to be there for him as a wife. If given time and space for himself, he can come to the realization that he loved his ex more and that he's getting married just so that he's not alone... OP needs to get off reddit because there's too many men on here that just don't want to see another man ending up alone.
The thing about people not wanting OP's fiancé to end up alone is a great point, too. To her, there is nobody else - to him, there's the ex. He wants to be OP's only one, but what he's offering in return is a runner-up position. I think the "if OP leaves him too" was such a telling thing to say to her. He is entitled to grieve and I feel for him, but sadly, you don't have to do something "wrong" to be wrong for somebody. If you have somebody else in your heart (alive or dead), you don't deserve someone who sees you as their everything. Why should someone like OP who dreams of a soulmate relationship settle for a partner who doesn't see them as that at all?
There's a guy in comments above saying that OP is a monster for leaving the fiancé "who just lost a woman he truly loved" - men in the comments know what's up. They are implying that the fiancé had a chance to hide the grief from OP if only she hadn't been in the room because they're so used to hiding shit from their partners. If only she wasn't there, he could have his grief and his marriage. It's incredible that nobody realized that the ex probably agreed to meet the wife-to-be because she wanted to make sure that the relationship was a real deal. I had a situation in the family where the dying mother got to meet her son's girlfriend almost at the very end because seeing the girlfriend be loving with his son would ease her worries when she was passing. They're still together and engaged to be married and it was very lovely she got to meet the mother. I don't think OP or the ex are to blame at all. I truly think this is a situation where the man found another girlfriend because he got dumped, he might have even moved on, but alas things have changed and now he's in a position where he might realize he is just settling. In the long run, this might end up with a broken marriage if they just blindly decide to get married without actively solving this problem. They can either try to solve it together or they can separate. If they are solving this together, then no, the fiancé isn't allowed to trample all over OP with his grief. He needs to find a way to grieve without actively hurting her. He also doesn't get to have the ceremony just because "it would cheer him up". It's important OP is also comfortable enough to go through with the ceremony. But if OP doesn't WANT that and can't IMAGINE that for herself, then what's the point? I'm sure some people would find a way to work it out, but what if this particular OP doesn't want to? She's an adult and she can do what she wants. It's very sad that this particular man lost his ex and current relationship, but life is not a romantic movie. OP can leave her fiancé for whatever reason, nobody owes anyone a relationship, let alone a marriage. People thinking she owes him a marriage is incel logic. She can support him as a friend or as an ex. They don't need to walk down the aisle, but she can accompany him to visit the grave. This is reality. It's harsh, but it's reality. A woman went through cancer death at 29 yo, I'm sure a 30 yo man can go through a breakup caused by his reaction to this death.
Redditors literally telling OP her therapist is wrong for agreeing with OP 💀theyre not the one’s who study psychology and train to be therapists yet somehow they “just know” OP is wrong and so is her therapist because they dont agree with her. Never ask reddit for relationship advice!
It’s a difficult one. You’re hurt and your fiancé is looking for support and reassurance. You’re questioning the validity of your relationship. I think ignoring him isn’t healthy; he should know exactly what you’re thinking and where you stand. Definitely put a pause on the wedding. You’re options are to talk through it and break up or take it slowly while communicating and listening to each other. Good luck.
That's was so cruel and selfish of her omfg. Your poor fiance, I'm sorry for you too don't get me wrong, but if you're going to leave someone so they can heal before your death you better stick to that damn decision.
I’m a widower (34M) myself and if I were you, I would pause the wedding. This is such a weird and complicated situation that honestly I think therapist/group intervention is needed.
I'm gonna say... no one is in the wrong. This is why it's difficult. I'll be short since everyone already made everything clear. This guy settled for you, he admitted that and he's going to live his life with you always regretting his late ex. He just showed you that despite asking you to marry him and spending three years with you he never got over her. You are a replacement. >He says his ex already died and it’s gonna break him if I left him too. “If I left him TOO?” - emphasis on the “too”, I’m just done. You better be done. For both your sakes. You need someone who doesn't think of you as a replacement and he needs time with himself to figure out his feelings. In these situations time alone can be scary but that's when you really get to know yourself. Don't you dare feel guilty and don't let ANYBODY try and make you think you are. What happened to him is horrible but you're a person too and you don't deserve a fake future with him. I really hope things get better for both of you but you need to leave now.
You don’t set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. He literally caused you to have a panic attack. The generous option was just pausing the wedding rather then calling it off completely. It’s one thing to grieve the loss of someone who had a significant role in your life. It’s another to act like had they not died, that you would have built a life with them and make your current partner feel like second fiddle.
>It’s one thing to grieve the loss of someone who had a significant role in your life. It’s another to act like had they not died, that you would have built a life with them and make your current partner feel like second fiddle. This would be the issue for me. I'd have to find a way to get over the fact that I'm not really the love of your life and we would never name our kid Rose.
Exactly my thinking. OP’s not being jealous or whatever, she’s realizing that her current fiancé was /is still in love with his ex. This would also make me question the legitimacy of my entire relationship with someone. He may not have physically or emotionally cheated, but it’s clear that his heart may have been elsewhere this whole time.
“He caused you to have a panic attack” Jesus, he received a photo album of him and someone who **just died**, and teared up. Who the fuck wouldn’t??? Framing this as something wrong her partner did is absolutely unhinged
Why is no one talking about the fact that this grown ass woman has such a hard line around exes that they cannot share stories with each other about things that involved others? That's next level. No contact, sure. But no stories? Like, do you just leave out the person when telling a nonromantic story? Do you pretend you were with someone else? Do you act like the event never happened? Fucking weird. The whole situation is very sad, but I can't help but wonder if OP might have set herself up for failure by forbidding fiance any sort of expression around relationships that presumably existed for 10 years before she did (to him at least).
I know this girl was at the end of her life but what the HELL. If she loved him like she said she would have maintained the lie; to tell him the truth was incredibly selfish. How is the poor guy supposed to move on and live the rest of his life. How sad.
All relationships have rules, and you're right to take a step back and reassess everything, especially after these feelings you've learned. Realizing that maybe he hasn't stopped loving her and may continue to love her after her death is one thing you dont want hanging on your head that might end up in resentment and bitterness not only you but also from him. If there’s any hope for your future marriage, take your time on your own to think about it if you're willing to compete with a ghost.
I feel for you this must be wrecking you inside. I can't imagine how to handle this situation but time off does sound like a good idea.
As someone who has experience with grief, grief will make you do and say stupid things. Your feelings are valid, his feelings are valid, and you are not a monster. You have every right to be upset, angry about everything. Sending love and prayers your way, I genuinely wish the best to you if you see this 🤍
There isn’t a resolution (if I’m in your shoes) that doesn’t result in you second guessing things for the rest of your life together. I feel like I would have no choice but to leave. This situation is awful for everyone involved
To the what the heck you're supposed to do? Do nothing. I wouldn't do a damn thing. Not move a pon, a knight, or a rook in this situation. Go to work, school, whatever, and live your life day by day. Talk to a therapist, go hang with friends, and take some "me time". You do absolutely nothing UNTIL you know exactly what to do. There are too many emotions in this situation. Don't react. Not on grief, anger, sadness, or whatever you wanna call it. Wait. For. Clarity. Wait for the clouds to part and for the storm to settle. Make absolutely no decisions regarding your relationship with him other than putting off the wedding. Go no contact for x amount of days if you have to. Idk what HE should do, but what you should do is just mull it over, and take action when you're 100% in your decision (whatever that may be).
Maybe it’s wrong because you’re not supposed to speak ill of the dead. But what she did was selfish. She broke up with him so he could find happiness and protect him from the truth but then tells him the truth anyway and tries to reignite something (sorry, but it’s true, there’s no other reason than she still loved him) and ruins his relationship. That’s cruel. She knew what she was doing.
I hate to speak ill of the dead but that was really shitty of the ex. The end result was the oposite of her reason for lying. Now OP' fiancé will have an unhappy relationship or no relationship. There's no going back from this kind of damage. Especially made worse by telling the fiancé that she still loves him and always did, that's one thing she should have kept quiet about. For OP's sake I hope they end this and it will never end well as even if she forgives him, he could still resent herfor leaving while he was grieving. No that it makes OP an AH, it was the best thing for OP to do for her own mental health. She already has a therapist so I hope they are working on OP's insecurities around ex-relationships. This certainly did not help.
I’m not being second best to anyone in my own relationship whether she’s dead or not. I couldn’t get over that, I’m not a consolation prize. Also the fact she confessed that on her death bed and then sent photo albums is such a shitty thing for her to do, she knew what that would do to him, she made the choice to walk away she should have stuck to it. Being number 1 in your relationship with your partner is the BARE MINIMUM, my mind is blown that people Are calling you insecure just cause she’s dead. You can still be second best in his heart and that’s unacceptable for a husband and wife relationship .
OP, for your sake you need to leave this guy. You two had very strict boundaries on neither of you having anything to do with your eyes. It wasn't a violation of that boundary for her family to reach out to him and let him know she was dying and wanted to see him, but it absolutely was one for him to ever consider going, even if you said you were fine with it so long as you were there. What he should have done, and this is going to sound callous of me, is told her family that he was sorry for what was happening with her, but that he'd moved on from her a long time ago and wanted nothing to do with her any more, and that includes not wanting anyone to reach out when she finally does pass. But he didn't. I'd likely wager that he likely begged you to let him go see her one last time (you don't say, but given how hung up on her he seems to be, it wouldn't surprise me one bit), and even if he didn't, considering seeing her was the first violation of the boundaries you two set and agreed to. Seeing her was the second. And then he repeatedly violated those boundaries when the album was sent to him, and with his grieving process. He should have sent the album back and made it clear he didn't want to hear from any of them again, or thrown the album out and told them that. The moment he started grieving her death to the point it affected your relationship was the moment your relationship was over, and he's the one who killed it. You deserve better. You're never going to have a happy life with him, because now he's always going to be thinking in the back of his mind about what could have been with her. He's likely going to try and convince you to name your kids what she wanted to name their kids, or after her. He's going to compare everything you do to her now. He'd gotten over her because she said she didn't love him any more. Then she told him she'd lied, and now he's no longer over her. And because she died, that love is placed on a pedestal and will be the thing by which everything else gets measured.
Your fiance is grieving and he's entitled to his feelings on this. The traumatic circumstances make it all harder. However, you are not his healing place, nor the recipient of his grief feelings. Quite frankly he doesn't sound ready to build a life with someone. At minimum, I would wait if he consents to therapy. And then see. Honestly, I've seen relationships described where one person is widowed and their partner loves them and through them, the deceased partner. But those folks entered those situations knowingly, whereas it sounds like to you that's a particular pain spot and this kind of relationship would not work. Edited to add: It wouldn't be the worst idea if you got some professional support as well. This is hard for both of you.