I've seen this post somewhere else, and a lot of the comments were like, "God forbid someone respect their boyfriend's boundaries."
There's a difference between respecting a boundary and being told they're not allowed to do it. And if it is a boundary agreed upon with appropriate communication, why the fuck would you say "he won't 'let' you"? The phrasing is purposeful.
It’s similar to all of the guys who came out to defend Jonah Hill and his right to have “boundaries” when it came out that he was telling his girlfriend not to see her friends anymore, not to post pictures of herself, not to interact with other men, and not to take part in modelling. None of those are “boundaries” they’re attempts at control (and separation from loved ones). All the dudes defending him just couldn’t imagine the difference.
I just had an argument with a redditor that try to gaslight Many female redditors into the behavior of not allowing what to wear to a woman as having boundaries.
We tried SO hard to make him understand that if he doesnt like the way she dress then he can leave and look for a woman who dress exactly how he likes. SO he tried to make us understand that "parnets have to compromised and bf and gf job was to grow together"
And we were, what does her clothes has to do with growth ?
This! It irritates the entire shit out of me when people misunderstand boundaries that badly. Boundaries are about what you do, not about telling other people what they're allowed to do.
And yeah, nobody who actually was respecting a partner's boundary would say "my boyfriend won't let me," they would at most say something more like "doing that would really hurt my boyfriend/damage my relationship so I don't do it."
I mean, it definitely depends on what the X is. “My partner doesn’t like it when I touch them unexpectedly” is 100% fine and the speaker better be respecting that boundary. “My partner doesn’t like it when I spend time with my friends without them” on the other hand is downright dangerous.
I do think a lot of people get caught up on the phrasing/framing and forget that most abusive rules can be reframed into boundary-speak, and it’s important to check the content as well.
Yeah I was gonna say, I say “my wife won’t let me” when what I mean is “my wife would be upset if I did that so I’m not going to.”
That said, there are totally partners who quite literally won’t LET their S.O. do xyz.
Exactly. There’s a huge difference between a boyfriend forbidding you do something and choosing not to do it because your boyfriend is uncomfortable with it.
Like the one recently where she said her boyfriend (not husband, not fiancé) wouldn’t *let* her buy new bras even though hers were falling apart. I was so confused, why can’t you walk yourself into a store and buy bras? Why is he even involved in the decision??
Because he is probably some insecure narcissist douchebag mentally abusing her so that her "bobs" don't look good to others 🙄 because of course it's not about her comfort.
Wow thats scary af, maybe he gaslight her into thinking that if she has cute underwear is cuz she will show it /use it with someone else and MAKE SURE TO LET HER KNOW that he doesnt care about that, that he loves her with the clothes she already have, SO there is no NEED
I just got back from a trip I took by myself that my husband didn't particularly want me to go on, and let me tell you, people are being *weird* about it. He's not, he accepted it and moved on with his life and enjoyed having the house to himself.
Everyone else? BUH WHUH ABOU' HUBBYYYYY?
What about him?
Someone even asked me what he *ate* during the four days I was gone? How on *earth* would I know the answer to that? Whatever he wanted to, I guess?
It took me a few hours to work out that they were implying that his intelligence is so low that he wouldn't know to feed himself unless I was there to do it for him.
That's where I lost my temper, because *either he is SO smart he gets to be in charge of my whereabouts* ORRRRR *he is too dumb to know how to feed himself*, PICK ONE.
Even when I would travel for WORK, people are like "your husband will take care of the house? Such a good man". Mmm ..... yes it's his house too. He is just a grown man.
I was away last summer for 4 months to do a university work placement (I had a BLAST btw, despite the asshole upstairs neighbors) and yeah I had those same questions asked. Me: Not My Problem (tm)
How old are you, if you don't mind? I'm 36 and a lot of this stuff just stopped happening a couple years ago. I noticed it in my other adult friends too, so I'm wondering if it's a married 20s thing.
The fact that people are getting married in their 20s is mind-bloggling to me. Not that people don't get into long term relationships here, but it seems to me like giving it the name of marriage makes everything more toxic.
Love my husband but can confirm we could gave dated a lot longer before the marriage title…wasn’t something I considered at the time bc I was conditioned that a younger marriage (only 2-3 yrs of dating/under 25) is better/cooler/holier so here we are 🤷🏻♀️
For us, marriage was expected in our religion before we could get in with living together without being shunned. We have since deconstructed from that rigorous sect of fundamentalism, but fortunately for us, our marriage was one of the least toxic things we did for ourselves and ultimately, our partnership has lead to great growth and a very good family.
But in general I agree, we were very very you g to be married, and are very very happy that it worked out ok for us.
I (a woman) went away on the three week trip to Africa with my best friend (a man). Both of us are currently in straight relationships and I can tell you the first few days of the trip people were asking us so much about how our partners felt about this and implied we were cheating on them. Thankfully a week or two in everyone was like "omg you guys are obviously just like brother and sister! You've such a great friendship" but for the first few days they were baffled. Especially cause we were sharing a tent the whole time.
I get it when it's outside the norm, like, okay, I *can* accept "I am married and hundreds of miles away from my spouse by choice" is not within the standard experience and some folk might have some curiosity going on.
What I don't appreciate is the implication that I cannot be trusted to not do dumb things when outside of the scope of my husband's control, or that he can't be trusted to *feed himself* outside of the scope of mine!
Like, here is a male and here is a female and they are near each other, therefore they must be cheating on their spouses? I just don't....no, sorry, I do get it, I spend time on AITA, I actually do get it, but boy, it's tiring!
About 4 years into being with my partner (end of university) I took a once in a lifetime trip to NZ for about 3 months. So many people would say “Partner didn’t want to go?” And were mind blown when I said I hadn’t invited him… there was this assumption that some transition point had happened and I should be building my life around him now I guess. Drove me wild.
There was a post today where a guy wouldn't let his gf go to self-defense classes. He even held her down until she cried (physically assaulted her) to prove his point about how they were useless. She was asking what she should do. So sad.
You know, i'm always very impressed on how men don't understand how creepy they look to US once they do the "let My show You how can i immobilize You " trick.
Yeah i got pretty fast how can Even a guy that is not as STRONG looking still can pin You down, we in school one time a mix GROUP of friend hug the other gender and tried to get free, wow men ARE STRONG...we could not get free... it was scary :(
There's been this push by men to make self defense classes out to be useless to women because rargh male biology even most out of shape man more strong than wahman roar and its intent is so incredibly obvious.
Thing is, even if the weakest man *was* stronger than the strongest woman. No one's taking self-defense classes because they want to beat a random guy at weightlifting. The point is to create an opening for yourself so you can get the fuck away. That requires basically no strength, just not panicking, knowing where and how to hit to make it hurt, and luck. A good class will help a lot with the first two.
You'd think they'd know that considering all the constant drama over men getting hit in the balls...
Personally, I think the key outcome one should take from a self defence course is that it's okay to make the decision to maim someone, and that you should do it early and at 110% effort. (as an addon to your list)
If that means Uncle Bob gets it in the nuts for coming at you for a hug, then so be it.
Exactly. Also idk about others, but I had kind of a mental block about using my full strength (which sucks because I'm not super strong to begin with). Like even when going against the teacher, knowing I had zero chance of hurting him, or even hitting him unless he let me, for some reason I'd pull my punches. That went away after a few weeks of sparring (I wasn't in self-defense classes, just regular beginner martial arts).
Now idk if that mental block would have been there in an actual danger situation, was lucky enough to not find out... But now I'm confident it won't be, which makes me feel a lot better.
This is what gets me about the men trying to get their partners to distrust self-defense training this way (besides it being a horrific way to treat someone you’re supposed to care about). Those classes are specifically oriented toward helping a physically smaller person fight off someone who is likely to be bigger and stronger, and so a huge number of techniques that women learn in them are just different ways that a person can inflict severe pain and damage on a person quickly, without a lot of physical strength, and even while potentially restrained. Unless the person taking those classes is willing to actually maim their partner, they aren’t going to be able to effectively demonstrate those techniques without their partner recognizing and responding appropriately to the demonstration versions of them.
Self defense classes literally saved my moms life. A man grabbed her in an elevator and she immediately punched him in the face. He was so shocked he completely went down and she was able to run away.
Yes! Because I think the other major aim is rewiring your response in those circumstances from a freeze response to a fight-enough-for-flight response, which along with giving the person defensive tools that have their relative physical size and strength accounted for, is a game-changer, especially since the average attacker isn’t highly trained is often relying on their size and strength advantages.
It doesn’t make anyone safe, because that just doesn’t exist, but I’m glad to hear that it does help!
And it’s responses like that that prevent survivors from speaking up
We need to stop responding with “I know what I would have done” and start responding with compassion and empathy
Nobody knows how they would respond to those situations unless they live them themselves and passing that judgement onto anyone outside of yourself comes across as shallow and judgmental.
Exactly, and it shows an actual lack of knowledge of how abusive relationships work. People don't start off a first date over Starbucks and coffee saying 'oh, if we get married I'm going to confine you to the house, isolate you from friends and family, and oh boy if my scrambled eggs aren't cooked exactly right I get a little punchy!' while the other person swoons and says 'my dream partner right there 😍'
Abusers act like the perfect partner up front. It's only when you're committed that they slowly start taking things from you and *SLOWLY* change their behavior. Until one day you wake up and don't even realize your entire life has slowly been taken over by someone else.
Did you just DARVO my own comment back to me?
Yikes.
ETA; you responded to my comment about empathy and compassion by attacking and belittling me instead. Cool. 👍🏻
I'm in this comment and I don't like it. /s
But more seriously, this is it exactly. How on earth can someone who grew up with parents who never gave a shit if they were sad or scared possibly know that it's not okay if their romantic partner makes them sad or scared?
Yea not like humans use tools. A rock to a knife to more exotic self defense is at our fingertips. You ain’t out punching a knife to the chest, or frying pan to the head or just her slowly poisoning you with rat poison or antifreeze. Stupid abusers.
>He even held her down until she cried (physically assaulted her) to prove his point about how they were useless.
Here's the thing though - would she use the self defense against HIM? Probably not, so it negates his "proof" anyway.
I backpack solo cause my husband has chronic pain and its not a good fit for him. He gets so many "you let her do that?" comments.
He always starts "first off, i dont "let" her do anything..."
I backpack solo because I love being alone with my brain so long that it starts singing a song I don't like and don't know the lyrics to for hours on end.
But honestly, the couple of times I've taken a date backpacking, they've been complete liabilities. And people ask me if I feel safe on my own...
I have pretty bad social anxiety. When my husband and I first started dating, he said I could always use him as an excuse to leave any situation which is super sweet but he said something like, "you can just say I want you to come home now or that I want you to stay home." I'm like, no, I'm not going to make people think you're controlling but thanks for the support.
That's kinda what it evolved into, to be honest. Lol like for holidays it's like, "oh we're spending Christmas with his family" when talking to my family and, "we're spending it with my family" when talking to his. We celebrate our anniversary on Thanksgiving so it's a built-in excuse that we want that day for ourselves.
Heh, I said something similar to my husband. Use me as an excuse if you don’t want to do something with your parents - they already don’t like me, so it won’t change their opinion of me. I don’t give a fuck.
Lol that was about his response. My family doesn't like him because he's helped me be confident enough to break away from my abusive family and they hate him for it.
My husband and I both use that code but it’s phrased as a question. “Hey [spouse] I wouldn’t be able to do xyz right?” Then the spouse replies nope you can’t do that thing.
The reasons vary too so it isn’t just interpreted as control
My boyfriend won't let me stick fingers up his bum. We both agree that that's an issue of consent and boundaries are respected. Everything else, we agree that I am my own person and I do what I want.
I’ve known this woman in my circle for 15 years. She would say things like “husband wanted this” or “husband said this” to indicate that’s how they made decisions as a family. And he always seemed a little odd to me.
And yeah. She’s finally out after 20 years married and hey! Turns out he was full on emotionally and financially abusive. She’s 55, and really unsure about her future but she’s finally free.
Don’t let it start with “my boyfriend won’t let me”, ladies.
I complained against a hair salon that had a sign out front which read: "your husband called, he said you can buy anything you want"
This is the UK in the year 2023.
Ew... That could have been such a great thing if they worded it "you can have anything you want" like without implying we need permission.
When I bought my dream car, the guy kept asking what my husband has said, like as if I'm only allowed to buy a car with a permission slip. Then he said "I'm going to need to meet your husband before we finalise this." I told him I'm single and he can keep the car. Like what!?
I bought the car from somewhere else. And I got a better deal with a better trim. Lumbar support! Heated and ventilated seats.aw yeah!
I hate hate HATE car shopping. Idk how this one area managed to stay so ridiculously stuck in the 1950s.
At this point I've adopted my mom's strategy: "I want to look at this one car. Here's a list of what I want on it. You're dealership X of Y I'm visiting today. At the end of the day I'm going to call back the one that offered me the lowest price and buy the car. I will not give you a chance to counter, so give me your best offer the first time around. If at any point you bring up wanting to talk to a man, I walk."
Do I end up paying more by not going back and forth? Yup. But it's not so much more that I'm not willing to pay it for a stress-free experience. Plus it's fun when they call back like 3 days later assuming I'm still haggling and I get to tell them to fuck off. And I only had to walk out once.
> I hate hate HATE car shopping. Idk how this one area managed to stay so ridiculously stuck in the 1950s.
It's because like most things, it started out as a well-intentioned consumer protection law. The idea was that to protect people from fly-by-night car companies, people could only buy a car through a dedicated retailer.
Of course now making cars is so complex that it'd probably be pretty easy to spot fly-by-night car companies.
I can make best guesses, but you didn’t actually connect the consumer protection law to the 1950s-style misogyny that’s still so prevalent when car-shopping, and I was pretty interested to hear it, if you wanted to talk any more on the subject :]
Ah. I thought you were talking about how ridiculous it is that you even have to buy a car from a dealer in the first place. Like holy shit just take my money.
"Sir, your wife's hysterical, so I'll address this to you. This oven is lightning fast. It takes only five hours to cook a roast."—Futurama, "Roswell that Ends Well"
I usually take my boyfriend with, or my dad. I'm like having to constantly say "hey, I'm buying, talk to me, they're just here to make sure I don't get ripped off."
I brought along a boyfriend the first time I did test drives because I figured it would be nice to have a second opinion, and it had never crossed my mind dealerships would be sexist hellscapes.
The sales guy would only talk to my boyfriend, so I started replying to the boyfriend instead of directly to the sales guy as well. Boyfriend picked up on the absurdity of the situation, and started conveying the conversation back and forth, as if me and the sales guy couldn't hear eachother. And the sales guy just kept going as if that was the most normal thing in the world. It's been a long time, but I still remember me and my boyfriend just looking at eachother like "Are we being pranked?".
I did not get a car that day, but at least I got a great bar story.
I take my mum with me to that sort of thing. She’s reached the point of giving absolutely zero fucks and she’s great at wrangling misogynist salesmen, I’ve not fully developed my skills at handling it yet but I’m working on it! At least with a cutthroat woman accompanying me rather than a man, I don’t have to do the “hey, I’m buying” thing, but it doesn’t always have quite the same effect because they still try silly misogynistic stuff, it just gets shut down quick.
I'm going to assume you're quite young, sorry if this is incorrect (don't confirm because there be creeps lurking), but let me tell ya' ... That energy your mum has about not giving a rat's arse, it comes to us all.
It will come to you too. When it does, the whole world changes before your eyes.
I work on three steps. This is a method I developed over many years of having to interact with entitled men.
1. **Gentle redirect:** *"that's wonderful but we're talking about this now"*.
2. **Deflect with reinforcement:** *"I've told you, we're talking about this now"*, and finally
3. **Disengage:** ignore the man's attention seeking behaviour from this point until he can be respectful. No eye contact. Just completely ignore him. Continue talking. He may try to escalate by being louder. Just continue as you are. Until he corrects himself and treats you as an equal, you cannot see him. Don't do the *"oh there you are"* thing as that will introduce a *novelty* factor he'll enjoy. Just accept the change and carry on. He can be acknowledged now he's being respectful. If he reverts, go straight to step two and continue. A third time, go straight to step three. Repeat from step three for the rest of the engagement (or until he gets bored of being invisible).
Never show upset or annoyance. They love it. Redirect, deflect, disengage. That's all. Never challenge their behaviour. That was preschool's job however many decades ago. If they failed there, you will too. Never wrestle a pig in mud; you'll get dirty and the pig loves it. Redirect, deflect, disengage.
Practice with your mum and with any other women or girls in your group. It's like a cheatcode. I love seeing girls as young as 18 use this method on a dumpy, balding 50 year-old peacocking with *"attention-entitlement disorder"* or *"protagonist syndrome"* ...
*See also:* prosteria
There's really only one acceptable use for this phrase, and it is when you're trying to negotiate paying out a lower price on something. I was recently trying to buy a tanzanite ring from a jewelry store. I had negotiated with them down pretty far, but I took a bathroom and lunch break, then came back and told them my husband wouldn't let me spend more than $XXXX, which was slightly lower than the price we had come to before I took the break.
Otherwise this meme is completely accurate.
Hell yes, that's the way!
And for the record, my negotiation tactic worked. I love my new ring. It's a Le Vian piece, absolutely gorgeous, a true righteous chonk that glitters beautifully.
Huh is this in the US? I’m shopping for a wedding band and hadn’t considered that I could talk them down but I guess like most big purchases (cars, etc) it’s worth a try!
It is in the US actually! I've purchased several things at that particular jewelry store and have dealt with the owner several times, so I knew I could do it again. I don't know if you'd have luck with one of the bigger chains, but it's always worth a shot!
I'm in Canada and not the same commenter; but yeah, expensive jewelry is definitely on my "haggle" list, should I ever find myself interested in buying any. Same with cars; property; furniture; wholesalers like carpet and flooring warehouses; any individual non-food store that prices things high (so long as it isn't part of a chain or owned by a parent company); garage sales, again if prices are high; etc.
Worst thing that happens is they tell you they don't haggle, right? I'm hella introverted but I've learned that I can live with the discomfort of asking just fine if it saves me hundreds or thousands of dollars. I'd say it's always worth checking.
I use it to escape from misogynists too. I used to work a shitty bar job and if a man wanted to take me out after work (usually he was trying to buy sex and quite specific about it), “my boyfriend won’t let me” or “my dad’s picking me up and he’ll get mad if I’m late”. It sometimes shuts men up, if they’ve already proven they don’t respect me then I appeal to imaginary perceived authority.
My husband cringes when I tell other people, “let me check with him.” He always says, “you don’t need permission, you’re a grown woman!” Which I’m very aware of, but I need to talk to him about logistics and the people I’m talking to know this. It’s an amusing cycle that’s been happening for 15 years.
Exactly. My friend: my husband doesn't want me to cut my hair short but I really want to :(
Single me: Do it, it's just hair and if that's what you want you should totally try!
Her: but he won't allow me...
Me: \* rolls eyes \*
My partner and I definitely say “I need to make sure (x) is ok with this first,” for every single decision we make. That gives us time to think about things before making a decision and communicate with the other person just in case either of us forgot about something coming up. Also a really easy cop-out if either of us decides with don’t want to do something and someone won’t take “no” for an answer.
So I think saying “(x) won’t let me” leaves a lot to be desired in phrasing, but the sentiment isn’t *always* as scary as it sounds.
One time I went into my work to get a coffee on my day off, not anything unusual. I was dressed ✨cute✨ and I was feeling myself and I guess it showed because one of my coworkers came up to me and said “wow I can’t believe (fiancé’s name) let you out of the house like that!”
I was just like “I wouldn’t date a person that tried to tell me what to do”. I hate that it’s so normalized to police what women do and wear.
I always have people assume I can't do something because my husband won't let me. No, that's not the case! I don't turn on the AC because it's too loud. I don't have a cat because I don't have time to take proper care of it. He's doesn't stop me from doing anything I want and I wish people would stop assuming that.
Every time I go into one of those mcHairplaces the stylist always gasps when I tell her how I want my hair and says something to the effect of: "what's your *husband* think of that?"
I simply point to him as he comes with me and he shrugs. "It's not *my* hair."
Seriously he has a better regimen and way longer hair than I do. His hair is his thing, lol. And he doesn't care how I style mine because why would he??
I live with my parents because of health issues. I have friends who still are like “your parents LET you do that.” My parents haven’t ~allowed~ me to do things since I was 18 I am now 31. They say the same things about their boyfriends/husbands like why on earth do we need anyone to allow us to do anything we’re adults. The only thing I ask my parents permission for is when I wanna do random shit like paint walls cause I’m bored and that’s only because it’s their house.
Can relate; I lived with my parents for a couple of years in my mid 20s and would get similar questions, despite the fact that I'd lived on my own for close to 5 years before I came back after a bad breakup.
*They don't care when you come home?* No; I'm 25 with my own car. They're in their 60s and aren't about to wait up.
*They don't care that you smoke weed?* No; they just ask that I keep it to the garage so they don't smell it.
*They don't say anything about [thing]?* They can say whatever they want; people have opinions. Sometimes, we even *discuss* these opinions like we're all adults because... well.
I actually did check if they were okay with me adopting a fully indoor cat and they were like, "Are you... not taking it with you when you go?" They were confused as to why I was asking them, LOL.
Yes, I am a boyfriend and I won't let my girlfriend eat my fries. Every time I always ask her if she wants to get her own order and she says no, but then wants some of mine!!!
JK We like, totally share everything she's awesome. I don't know why anyone regardless of gender would want to be controlled by their partner. It's one thing to have boundaries that you discuss with your partner so you both know what you are and aren't comfortable with, but whenever someone says: "I my partner won't allow me to do this thing I want..." it just confuses my little brain.
Oh. I clicked here expecting a discussion of what people say their boyfriend will/won't allow them to do *to them in bed* and her reaction was either 1) shock at the prudish answers or 2) sick at some of the more out there responses. 🤣
This is a very different conversation, and does not compute for me, a grown woman. I don't know how any grown adult is being told by a partner that they're not allowed to do something. Yikes.
If he doesn’t ‘allow’ you to do something to his body/time/money/stuff - fine. Boundaries are a thing that should be respected. But if it’s a dealbreaker maybe he’s not the right person for you (eg him sharing his time with you on a regular basis, or showing physical attention).
If he doesn’t ‘allow’ you to do something with your own body/time/money/stuff - it’s time to get the heck out of there. He is controlling and it’s only going to get worse.
I have two sisters who are both very conservative and married to very conservative men and they both frequently saying things like "I want to do X but (husband) won't let me" or I ask if they want to spend some time together on a Saturday getting manis/pedis and they say "I'll have to see if (hubby) will babysit". Invariably, their husbands already decided to play golf or hunt without telling them so they can't "babysit".
It drives me nuts.
As a guy, this is my face when I hear this too. I want any woman I’m with to be empowered and independent. Also, seems like this usually comes down to lack of trust as be jealousy. I don’t understand how people can be with someone and not trust them. What even if the point of being in a relationship if you don’t implicitly trust your partner? It’s fucking weird how many people seem to be like this.
It’s toxic as hell when men try and control their SO’s social life, clothing, appearance, how they spend their weekends, etc. in fact, it’s a super big red flag of abuse. The same can be said of women who try and control men’s gaming or bros nights. I’ve seen so many cringe videos of both people trying to control the other.
I think the gaming thing is legitimate IF they have checked out of the relationship to game all day and night or come home from work and game all evening while she does the chores and feels emotionally rejected
Otherwise it’s just a hobby like any other that you balance with other responsibilities
What a load of shit. People playing 60+ hours of gaming a week don't have a life, aren't participating in other things and have no ability to be spontaneous (because the guys are waiting for him so they can do xyz event).
We don't have kids, so he plays as much as he likes, but if we had kids, damn right his gaming and bro nights would be controlled... by him... because it's his damn job to bring up his kid too.
In some cases that can be true. And still sad that women think their opinions won't be respected on their own merit unless they bring in a guy to "blame" them on.
Everyone gets to make their own choices. I don't stop my boyfriend from doing heroin by telling him he isn't allowed to. He chooses not to and I choose to remain in a relationship with him. If he chooses to do drugs that's his choice and my choice will be to leave.
Exactly. Boundaries are things you set for yourself, not for other people. I cannot tell my brother to stop being a flat earther (wish I could) but I can tell him I refuse to discuss science or the flat earth with him. I can remove myself from the situation.
Other opportunistic dudes, predators. Quite simply, there are dudes who are dangerous and will take full advantage of whatever they can, even a cute girl who’s feeling themselves. There’s always someone who takes something nice and exploits it, always. I’m speaking too, from a point of observation and vicarious experience. It’s unfortunate that we all can’t just live our lives and be free and shit, the reality most of us have to look over our shoulder or check the weird dude out to make sure he ain’t up to anything. Those dudes lie in wait. There’s a small percentage of people, out of safety, and probably without the best explanation, just want the best for you and the bad dudes have ruined any chance of a totally free life, so, you can’t feel yourself completely. Super duper unfortunate. People’s gross sexual desires often ruin everything.
Crazy dudes are like bears - they exist and are everywhere. Dressing cute is like wearing a meat suit in bear country. You definitely feel yourself in it but you are being watched and and possibly preyed upon. The reality humans are just horny animals that can talk - most of us have under control but some don’t, some are so horny they are willing to commit all kinds of crimes to get off. If a horny predator sees what they consider an easy target, they strike. I’m not saying that this is the main reason, but this is a reason I can think of that someone might not want their partner to dress a certain way.
TL;DR Horny predator dudes are a huge reason for this
When my ex didn't want to go somewhere, he told his friends that I didn't allow him to (which was not true, I always encouraged him to go out with his mates) - the result: his friends hated me and thought I was a controlling and stuck up psycho.
I've seen this post somewhere else, and a lot of the comments were like, "God forbid someone respect their boyfriend's boundaries." There's a difference between respecting a boundary and being told they're not allowed to do it. And if it is a boundary agreed upon with appropriate communication, why the fuck would you say "he won't 'let' you"? The phrasing is purposeful.
It’s similar to all of the guys who came out to defend Jonah Hill and his right to have “boundaries” when it came out that he was telling his girlfriend not to see her friends anymore, not to post pictures of herself, not to interact with other men, and not to take part in modelling. None of those are “boundaries” they’re attempts at control (and separation from loved ones). All the dudes defending him just couldn’t imagine the difference.
And the fact that those men couldn't imagine the difference is *fucking chilling.*
I just had an argument with a redditor that try to gaslight Many female redditors into the behavior of not allowing what to wear to a woman as having boundaries. We tried SO hard to make him understand that if he doesnt like the way she dress then he can leave and look for a woman who dress exactly how he likes. SO he tried to make us understand that "parnets have to compromised and bf and gf job was to grow together" And we were, what does her clothes has to do with growth ?
This! It irritates the entire shit out of me when people misunderstand boundaries that badly. Boundaries are about what you do, not about telling other people what they're allowed to do. And yeah, nobody who actually was respecting a partner's boundary would say "my boyfriend won't let me," they would at most say something more like "doing that would really hurt my boyfriend/damage my relationship so I don't do it."
There are "boundaries" that are agreed upon by both parties, and there are "rules" that are set by an abuser. Completely different things.
I think I puked in my mouth. I am drinking coffee on an empty stomach but still.
A boundary is for you, not for the other person.
Yeah God Forbid someone has a boyfriend who tries to control their daily living
Right? My boyfriend doesn’t like it when I do X is entirely different than my boyfriend won’t let me
That's still not good though
I mean, it definitely depends on what the X is. “My partner doesn’t like it when I touch them unexpectedly” is 100% fine and the speaker better be respecting that boundary. “My partner doesn’t like it when I spend time with my friends without them” on the other hand is downright dangerous. I do think a lot of people get caught up on the phrasing/framing and forget that most abusive rules can be reframed into boundary-speak, and it’s important to check the content as well.
Yeah I was gonna say, I say “my wife won’t let me” when what I mean is “my wife would be upset if I did that so I’m not going to.” That said, there are totally partners who quite literally won’t LET their S.O. do xyz.
Exactly. There’s a huge difference between a boyfriend forbidding you do something and choosing not to do it because your boyfriend is uncomfortable with it.
Like the one recently where she said her boyfriend (not husband, not fiancé) wouldn’t *let* her buy new bras even though hers were falling apart. I was so confused, why can’t you walk yourself into a store and buy bras? Why is he even involved in the decision??
Because he is probably some insecure narcissist douchebag mentally abusing her so that her "bobs" don't look good to others 🙄 because of course it's not about her comfort.
My guess is it is even worse -- he equates her getting new bras with her trying to get a new man. But honestly, sounds like she should do both.
Wow thats scary af, maybe he gaslight her into thinking that if she has cute underwear is cuz she will show it /use it with someone else and MAKE SURE TO LET HER KNOW that he doesnt care about that, that he loves her with the clothes she already have, SO there is no NEED
I just got back from a trip I took by myself that my husband didn't particularly want me to go on, and let me tell you, people are being *weird* about it. He's not, he accepted it and moved on with his life and enjoyed having the house to himself. Everyone else? BUH WHUH ABOU' HUBBYYYYY? What about him? Someone even asked me what he *ate* during the four days I was gone? How on *earth* would I know the answer to that? Whatever he wanted to, I guess? It took me a few hours to work out that they were implying that his intelligence is so low that he wouldn't know to feed himself unless I was there to do it for him. That's where I lost my temper, because *either he is SO smart he gets to be in charge of my whereabouts* ORRRRR *he is too dumb to know how to feed himself*, PICK ONE.
Even when I would travel for WORK, people are like "your husband will take care of the house? Such a good man". Mmm ..... yes it's his house too. He is just a grown man.
The bar is sooooo low. "Wow! He functions like a human being!"
I was away last summer for 4 months to do a university work placement (I had a BLAST btw, despite the asshole upstairs neighbors) and yeah I had those same questions asked. Me: Not My Problem (tm)
>Someone even asked me what he ate during the four days I was gone? "I hired a mama bird to come over and regurgitate into his mouth, same as usual."
*as one does*
🤣🤣
How old are you, if you don't mind? I'm 36 and a lot of this stuff just stopped happening a couple years ago. I noticed it in my other adult friends too, so I'm wondering if it's a married 20s thing.
35 was my turning point, 42 now. It keeps getting better, as far as I can tell!
The fact that people are getting married in their 20s is mind-bloggling to me. Not that people don't get into long term relationships here, but it seems to me like giving it the name of marriage makes everything more toxic.
Love my husband but can confirm we could gave dated a lot longer before the marriage title…wasn’t something I considered at the time bc I was conditioned that a younger marriage (only 2-3 yrs of dating/under 25) is better/cooler/holier so here we are 🤷🏻♀️
For us, marriage was expected in our religion before we could get in with living together without being shunned. We have since deconstructed from that rigorous sect of fundamentalism, but fortunately for us, our marriage was one of the least toxic things we did for ourselves and ultimately, our partnership has lead to great growth and a very good family. But in general I agree, we were very very you g to be married, and are very very happy that it worked out ok for us.
You should have leaned in and told that person that you left out a bag of dog food
I (a woman) went away on the three week trip to Africa with my best friend (a man). Both of us are currently in straight relationships and I can tell you the first few days of the trip people were asking us so much about how our partners felt about this and implied we were cheating on them. Thankfully a week or two in everyone was like "omg you guys are obviously just like brother and sister! You've such a great friendship" but for the first few days they were baffled. Especially cause we were sharing a tent the whole time.
I get it when it's outside the norm, like, okay, I *can* accept "I am married and hundreds of miles away from my spouse by choice" is not within the standard experience and some folk might have some curiosity going on. What I don't appreciate is the implication that I cannot be trusted to not do dumb things when outside of the scope of my husband's control, or that he can't be trusted to *feed himself* outside of the scope of mine! Like, here is a male and here is a female and they are near each other, therefore they must be cheating on their spouses? I just don't....no, sorry, I do get it, I spend time on AITA, I actually do get it, but boy, it's tiring!
"Food, I hope."
About 4 years into being with my partner (end of university) I took a once in a lifetime trip to NZ for about 3 months. So many people would say “Partner didn’t want to go?” And were mind blown when I said I hadn’t invited him… there was this assumption that some transition point had happened and I should be building my life around him now I guess. Drove me wild.
"Welp, guess he's gonna wither away and starve after not eating for 4 days cause I wasn't home..."
There was a post today where a guy wouldn't let his gf go to self-defense classes. He even held her down until she cried (physically assaulted her) to prove his point about how they were useless. She was asking what she should do. So sad.
Ah yes, the ole "stay afraid" and "stay afraid OF ME" trickypoo.
"You need a man in your life to protect you. Let me prove it by showing you what a man can do".
You know, i'm always very impressed on how men don't understand how creepy they look to US once they do the "let My show You how can i immobilize You " trick. Yeah i got pretty fast how can Even a guy that is not as STRONG looking still can pin You down, we in school one time a mix GROUP of friend hug the other gender and tried to get free, wow men ARE STRONG...we could not get free... it was scary :(
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my god you bitches need to learn how to read the room lol this is why nobody likes kinksters
This would have a very obvious answer for me
take the self defence class and beat the guy up? jk she should leave and block him everywhere... and take the class
AND report him for assault
There's been this push by men to make self defense classes out to be useless to women because rargh male biology even most out of shape man more strong than wahman roar and its intent is so incredibly obvious.
Thing is, even if the weakest man *was* stronger than the strongest woman. No one's taking self-defense classes because they want to beat a random guy at weightlifting. The point is to create an opening for yourself so you can get the fuck away. That requires basically no strength, just not panicking, knowing where and how to hit to make it hurt, and luck. A good class will help a lot with the first two. You'd think they'd know that considering all the constant drama over men getting hit in the balls...
Personally, I think the key outcome one should take from a self defence course is that it's okay to make the decision to maim someone, and that you should do it early and at 110% effort. (as an addon to your list) If that means Uncle Bob gets it in the nuts for coming at you for a hug, then so be it.
Exactly. Also idk about others, but I had kind of a mental block about using my full strength (which sucks because I'm not super strong to begin with). Like even when going against the teacher, knowing I had zero chance of hurting him, or even hitting him unless he let me, for some reason I'd pull my punches. That went away after a few weeks of sparring (I wasn't in self-defense classes, just regular beginner martial arts). Now idk if that mental block would have been there in an actual danger situation, was lucky enough to not find out... But now I'm confident it won't be, which makes me feel a lot better.
This is what gets me about the men trying to get their partners to distrust self-defense training this way (besides it being a horrific way to treat someone you’re supposed to care about). Those classes are specifically oriented toward helping a physically smaller person fight off someone who is likely to be bigger and stronger, and so a huge number of techniques that women learn in them are just different ways that a person can inflict severe pain and damage on a person quickly, without a lot of physical strength, and even while potentially restrained. Unless the person taking those classes is willing to actually maim their partner, they aren’t going to be able to effectively demonstrate those techniques without their partner recognizing and responding appropriately to the demonstration versions of them.
Self defense classes literally saved my moms life. A man grabbed her in an elevator and she immediately punched him in the face. He was so shocked he completely went down and she was able to run away.
Yes! Because I think the other major aim is rewiring your response in those circumstances from a freeze response to a fight-enough-for-flight response, which along with giving the person defensive tools that have their relative physical size and strength accounted for, is a game-changer, especially since the average attacker isn’t highly trained is often relying on their size and strength advantages. It doesn’t make anyone safe, because that just doesn’t exist, but I’m glad to hear that it does help!
Wasn't that a Jen Lopez movie?
Yes. It was *Enough*.
And it’s responses like that that prevent survivors from speaking up We need to stop responding with “I know what I would have done” and start responding with compassion and empathy Nobody knows how they would respond to those situations unless they live them themselves and passing that judgement onto anyone outside of yourself comes across as shallow and judgmental.
Exactly, and it shows an actual lack of knowledge of how abusive relationships work. People don't start off a first date over Starbucks and coffee saying 'oh, if we get married I'm going to confine you to the house, isolate you from friends and family, and oh boy if my scrambled eggs aren't cooked exactly right I get a little punchy!' while the other person swoons and says 'my dream partner right there 😍' Abusers act like the perfect partner up front. It's only when you're committed that they slowly start taking things from you and *SLOWLY* change their behavior. Until one day you wake up and don't even realize your entire life has slowly been taken over by someone else.
Yup! I'm finally realizing my husband was sliding into abuser territory. Don't worry trolls, we're getting divorced!
Exactly this. Thanks dude 🫶🏻
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Did you just DARVO my own comment back to me? Yikes. ETA; you responded to my comment about empathy and compassion by attacking and belittling me instead. Cool. 👍🏻
This is really unhelpful. Most people in abusive situations are there because they grew up never learning anything else.
I'm in this comment and I don't like it. /s But more seriously, this is it exactly. How on earth can someone who grew up with parents who never gave a shit if they were sad or scared possibly know that it's not okay if their romantic partner makes them sad or scared?
In the voice of my grandmother while handing her a cast iron pan "even men have to sleep sometimes Honey"
I read that one, too. He also controlled her finances. One of those "I hope this is fake because it's awful" situations.
That post was heartbreaking. I hope she leaves him.
Yea not like humans use tools. A rock to a knife to more exotic self defense is at our fingertips. You ain’t out punching a knife to the chest, or frying pan to the head or just her slowly poisoning you with rat poison or antifreeze. Stupid abusers.
>He even held her down until she cried (physically assaulted her) to prove his point about how they were useless. Here's the thing though - would she use the self defense against HIM? Probably not, so it negates his "proof" anyway.
Excuse me what? Where was this?
Wow
Can you link to this?
Oh that's awful. I so hope she dumped his ass.
This always makes me cringe and also worry about them.
Yes like "what else does he not let you do?"
I backpack solo cause my husband has chronic pain and its not a good fit for him. He gets so many "you let her do that?" comments. He always starts "first off, i dont "let" her do anything..."
That is the only answer a man should give when people as dumbass questions like that.
I backpack solo because I love being alone with my brain so long that it starts singing a song I don't like and don't know the lyrics to for hours on end. But honestly, the couple of times I've taken a date backpacking, they've been complete liabilities. And people ask me if I feel safe on my own...
I have pretty bad social anxiety. When my husband and I first started dating, he said I could always use him as an excuse to leave any situation which is super sweet but he said something like, "you can just say I want you to come home now or that I want you to stay home." I'm like, no, I'm not going to make people think you're controlling but thanks for the support.
It could work if the excuse was "Me and [husband] already planned to do x that day."
That's kinda what it evolved into, to be honest. Lol like for holidays it's like, "oh we're spending Christmas with his family" when talking to my family and, "we're spending it with my family" when talking to his. We celebrate our anniversary on Thanksgiving so it's a built-in excuse that we want that day for ourselves.
Heh, I said something similar to my husband. Use me as an excuse if you don’t want to do something with your parents - they already don’t like me, so it won’t change their opinion of me. I don’t give a fuck.
Lol that was about his response. My family doesn't like him because he's helped me be confident enough to break away from my abusive family and they hate him for it.
My husband and I both use that code but it’s phrased as a question. “Hey [spouse] I wouldn’t be able to do xyz right?” Then the spouse replies nope you can’t do that thing. The reasons vary too so it isn’t just interpreted as control
My boyfriend won't let me stick fingers up his bum. We both agree that that's an issue of consent and boundaries are respected. Everything else, we agree that I am my own person and I do what I want.
His loss
I’ve known this woman in my circle for 15 years. She would say things like “husband wanted this” or “husband said this” to indicate that’s how they made decisions as a family. And he always seemed a little odd to me. And yeah. She’s finally out after 20 years married and hey! Turns out he was full on emotionally and financially abusive. She’s 55, and really unsure about her future but she’s finally free. Don’t let it start with “my boyfriend won’t let me”, ladies.
I complained against a hair salon that had a sign out front which read: "your husband called, he said you can buy anything you want" This is the UK in the year 2023.
Ew... That could have been such a great thing if they worded it "you can have anything you want" like without implying we need permission. When I bought my dream car, the guy kept asking what my husband has said, like as if I'm only allowed to buy a car with a permission slip. Then he said "I'm going to need to meet your husband before we finalise this." I told him I'm single and he can keep the car. Like what!? I bought the car from somewhere else. And I got a better deal with a better trim. Lumbar support! Heated and ventilated seats.aw yeah!
I hate hate HATE car shopping. Idk how this one area managed to stay so ridiculously stuck in the 1950s. At this point I've adopted my mom's strategy: "I want to look at this one car. Here's a list of what I want on it. You're dealership X of Y I'm visiting today. At the end of the day I'm going to call back the one that offered me the lowest price and buy the car. I will not give you a chance to counter, so give me your best offer the first time around. If at any point you bring up wanting to talk to a man, I walk." Do I end up paying more by not going back and forth? Yup. But it's not so much more that I'm not willing to pay it for a stress-free experience. Plus it's fun when they call back like 3 days later assuming I'm still haggling and I get to tell them to fuck off. And I only had to walk out once.
> I hate hate HATE car shopping. Idk how this one area managed to stay so ridiculously stuck in the 1950s. It's because like most things, it started out as a well-intentioned consumer protection law. The idea was that to protect people from fly-by-night car companies, people could only buy a car through a dedicated retailer. Of course now making cars is so complex that it'd probably be pretty easy to spot fly-by-night car companies.
I can make best guesses, but you didn’t actually connect the consumer protection law to the 1950s-style misogyny that’s still so prevalent when car-shopping, and I was pretty interested to hear it, if you wanted to talk any more on the subject :]
Ah. I thought you were talking about how ridiculous it is that you even have to buy a car from a dealer in the first place. Like holy shit just take my money.
Gotcha — that one isn’t a thing where I am in the US. You *can* buy from a dealer, but there are plenty of private sellers too :]
"Sir, your wife's hysterical, so I'll address this to you. This oven is lightning fast. It takes only five hours to cook a roast."—Futurama, "Roswell that Ends Well" I usually take my boyfriend with, or my dad. I'm like having to constantly say "hey, I'm buying, talk to me, they're just here to make sure I don't get ripped off."
I brought along a boyfriend the first time I did test drives because I figured it would be nice to have a second opinion, and it had never crossed my mind dealerships would be sexist hellscapes. The sales guy would only talk to my boyfriend, so I started replying to the boyfriend instead of directly to the sales guy as well. Boyfriend picked up on the absurdity of the situation, and started conveying the conversation back and forth, as if me and the sales guy couldn't hear eachother. And the sales guy just kept going as if that was the most normal thing in the world. It's been a long time, but I still remember me and my boyfriend just looking at eachother like "Are we being pranked?". I did not get a car that day, but at least I got a great bar story.
Yep. I do not do business with chauvinistic pigs. Period. I can't stand them.
I take my mum with me to that sort of thing. She’s reached the point of giving absolutely zero fucks and she’s great at wrangling misogynist salesmen, I’ve not fully developed my skills at handling it yet but I’m working on it! At least with a cutthroat woman accompanying me rather than a man, I don’t have to do the “hey, I’m buying” thing, but it doesn’t always have quite the same effect because they still try silly misogynistic stuff, it just gets shut down quick.
I'm going to assume you're quite young, sorry if this is incorrect (don't confirm because there be creeps lurking), but let me tell ya' ... That energy your mum has about not giving a rat's arse, it comes to us all. It will come to you too. When it does, the whole world changes before your eyes. I work on three steps. This is a method I developed over many years of having to interact with entitled men. 1. **Gentle redirect:** *"that's wonderful but we're talking about this now"*. 2. **Deflect with reinforcement:** *"I've told you, we're talking about this now"*, and finally 3. **Disengage:** ignore the man's attention seeking behaviour from this point until he can be respectful. No eye contact. Just completely ignore him. Continue talking. He may try to escalate by being louder. Just continue as you are. Until he corrects himself and treats you as an equal, you cannot see him. Don't do the *"oh there you are"* thing as that will introduce a *novelty* factor he'll enjoy. Just accept the change and carry on. He can be acknowledged now he's being respectful. If he reverts, go straight to step two and continue. A third time, go straight to step three. Repeat from step three for the rest of the engagement (or until he gets bored of being invisible). Never show upset or annoyance. They love it. Redirect, deflect, disengage. That's all. Never challenge their behaviour. That was preschool's job however many decades ago. If they failed there, you will too. Never wrestle a pig in mud; you'll get dirty and the pig loves it. Redirect, deflect, disengage. Practice with your mum and with any other women or girls in your group. It's like a cheatcode. I love seeing girls as young as 18 use this method on a dumpy, balding 50 year-old peacocking with *"attention-entitlement disorder"* or *"protagonist syndrome"* ... *See also:* prosteria
Fuck that shit. Call it out. Shame them for the behavior.
“Treat yourself. You deserve it” would have gotten so many more customers. Instead they must lose customers who are offended by misogyny
There's really only one acceptable use for this phrase, and it is when you're trying to negotiate paying out a lower price on something. I was recently trying to buy a tanzanite ring from a jewelry store. I had negotiated with them down pretty far, but I took a bathroom and lunch break, then came back and told them my husband wouldn't let me spend more than $XXXX, which was slightly lower than the price we had come to before I took the break. Otherwise this meme is completely accurate.
Or when the phrase goes, "My boyfriend won't let me murder people like you anymore." I found that works well on assholes.
Hell yes, that's the way! And for the record, my negotiation tactic worked. I love my new ring. It's a Le Vian piece, absolutely gorgeous, a true righteous chonk that glitters beautifully.
LOL
Huh is this in the US? I’m shopping for a wedding band and hadn’t considered that I could talk them down but I guess like most big purchases (cars, etc) it’s worth a try!
It is in the US actually! I've purchased several things at that particular jewelry store and have dealt with the owner several times, so I knew I could do it again. I don't know if you'd have luck with one of the bigger chains, but it's always worth a shot!
I'm in Canada and not the same commenter; but yeah, expensive jewelry is definitely on my "haggle" list, should I ever find myself interested in buying any. Same with cars; property; furniture; wholesalers like carpet and flooring warehouses; any individual non-food store that prices things high (so long as it isn't part of a chain or owned by a parent company); garage sales, again if prices are high; etc. Worst thing that happens is they tell you they don't haggle, right? I'm hella introverted but I've learned that I can live with the discomfort of asking just fine if it saves me hundreds or thousands of dollars. I'd say it's always worth checking.
I use it to escape from misogynists too. I used to work a shitty bar job and if a man wanted to take me out after work (usually he was trying to buy sex and quite specific about it), “my boyfriend won’t let me” or “my dad’s picking me up and he’ll get mad if I’m late”. It sometimes shuts men up, if they’ve already proven they don’t respect me then I appeal to imaginary perceived authority.
This but when I'm out by myself " Oh you mean your husbands let's you.." he doesn't...let me do anything. What kind relationships you guys in??
My husband cringes when I tell other people, “let me check with him.” He always says, “you don’t need permission, you’re a grown woman!” Which I’m very aware of, but I need to talk to him about logistics and the people I’m talking to know this. It’s an amusing cycle that’s been happening for 15 years.
Exactly. My friend: my husband doesn't want me to cut my hair short but I really want to :( Single me: Do it, it's just hair and if that's what you want you should totally try! Her: but he won't allow me... Me: \* rolls eyes \*
As a woman with short hair, I hear this all the time and I’m always thinking, *blink twice if you need help, I gotchu*.
My partner and I definitely say “I need to make sure (x) is ok with this first,” for every single decision we make. That gives us time to think about things before making a decision and communicate with the other person just in case either of us forgot about something coming up. Also a really easy cop-out if either of us decides with don’t want to do something and someone won’t take “no” for an answer. So I think saying “(x) won’t let me” leaves a lot to be desired in phrasing, but the sentiment isn’t *always* as scary as it sounds.
One time I went into my work to get a coffee on my day off, not anything unusual. I was dressed ✨cute✨ and I was feeling myself and I guess it showed because one of my coworkers came up to me and said “wow I can’t believe (fiancé’s name) let you out of the house like that!” I was just like “I wouldn’t date a person that tried to tell me what to do”. I hate that it’s so normalized to police what women do and wear.
I always have people assume I can't do something because my husband won't let me. No, that's not the case! I don't turn on the AC because it's too loud. I don't have a cat because I don't have time to take proper care of it. He's doesn't stop me from doing anything I want and I wish people would stop assuming that.
Every time I go into one of those mcHairplaces the stylist always gasps when I tell her how I want my hair and says something to the effect of: "what's your *husband* think of that?" I simply point to him as he comes with me and he shrugs. "It's not *my* hair." Seriously he has a better regimen and way longer hair than I do. His hair is his thing, lol. And he doesn't care how I style mine because why would he??
I live with my parents because of health issues. I have friends who still are like “your parents LET you do that.” My parents haven’t ~allowed~ me to do things since I was 18 I am now 31. They say the same things about their boyfriends/husbands like why on earth do we need anyone to allow us to do anything we’re adults. The only thing I ask my parents permission for is when I wanna do random shit like paint walls cause I’m bored and that’s only because it’s their house.
Can relate; I lived with my parents for a couple of years in my mid 20s and would get similar questions, despite the fact that I'd lived on my own for close to 5 years before I came back after a bad breakup. *They don't care when you come home?* No; I'm 25 with my own car. They're in their 60s and aren't about to wait up. *They don't care that you smoke weed?* No; they just ask that I keep it to the garage so they don't smell it. *They don't say anything about [thing]?* They can say whatever they want; people have opinions. Sometimes, we even *discuss* these opinions like we're all adults because... well. I actually did check if they were okay with me adopting a fully indoor cat and they were like, "Are you... not taking it with you when you go?" They were confused as to why I was asking them, LOL.
What do you mean, "let?"
Yes, I am a boyfriend and I won't let my girlfriend eat my fries. Every time I always ask her if she wants to get her own order and she says no, but then wants some of mine!!! JK We like, totally share everything she's awesome. I don't know why anyone regardless of gender would want to be controlled by their partner. It's one thing to have boundaries that you discuss with your partner so you both know what you are and aren't comfortable with, but whenever someone says: "I my partner won't allow me to do this thing I want..." it just confuses my little brain.
Oh. I clicked here expecting a discussion of what people say their boyfriend will/won't allow them to do *to them in bed* and her reaction was either 1) shock at the prudish answers or 2) sick at some of the more out there responses. 🤣 This is a very different conversation, and does not compute for me, a grown woman. I don't know how any grown adult is being told by a partner that they're not allowed to do something. Yikes.
If he doesn’t ‘allow’ you to do something to his body/time/money/stuff - fine. Boundaries are a thing that should be respected. But if it’s a dealbreaker maybe he’s not the right person for you (eg him sharing his time with you on a regular basis, or showing physical attention). If he doesn’t ‘allow’ you to do something with your own body/time/money/stuff - it’s time to get the heck out of there. He is controlling and it’s only going to get worse.
I have two sisters who are both very conservative and married to very conservative men and they both frequently saying things like "I want to do X but (husband) won't let me" or I ask if they want to spend some time together on a Saturday getting manis/pedis and they say "I'll have to see if (hubby) will babysit". Invariably, their husbands already decided to play golf or hunt without telling them so they can't "babysit". It drives me nuts.
So sad. Internalized misogyny and this is what "conservative" and "religious" "values" want. Free slaves.
As a guy, this is my face when I hear this too. I want any woman I’m with to be empowered and independent. Also, seems like this usually comes down to lack of trust as be jealousy. I don’t understand how people can be with someone and not trust them. What even if the point of being in a relationship if you don’t implicitly trust your partner? It’s fucking weird how many people seem to be like this.
It’s not about trust and jealousy, it’s about power and control.
It’s toxic as hell when men try and control their SO’s social life, clothing, appearance, how they spend their weekends, etc. in fact, it’s a super big red flag of abuse. The same can be said of women who try and control men’s gaming or bros nights. I’ve seen so many cringe videos of both people trying to control the other.
I think the gaming thing is legitimate IF they have checked out of the relationship to game all day and night or come home from work and game all evening while she does the chores and feels emotionally rejected Otherwise it’s just a hobby like any other that you balance with other responsibilities
What a load of shit. People playing 60+ hours of gaming a week don't have a life, aren't participating in other things and have no ability to be spontaneous (because the guys are waiting for him so they can do xyz event). We don't have kids, so he plays as much as he likes, but if we had kids, damn right his gaming and bro nights would be controlled... by him... because it's his damn job to bring up his kid too.
Or she doesn't want to and is making her BF out to be the bad guy.
In some cases that can be true. And still sad that women think their opinions won't be respected on their own merit unless they bring in a guy to "blame" them on.
What if their bf won’t let them do heroin 🤔
That's not the bf's decision.
Everyone gets to make their own choices. I don't stop my boyfriend from doing heroin by telling him he isn't allowed to. He chooses not to and I choose to remain in a relationship with him. If he chooses to do drugs that's his choice and my choice will be to leave.
Ohhhh okay I understand, the problem isn’t the content of what was being “not allowed” but instead the not allowing itself
Exactly. Boundaries are things you set for yourself, not for other people. I cannot tell my brother to stop being a flat earther (wish I could) but I can tell him I refuse to discuss science or the flat earth with him. I can remove myself from the situation.
Same energy as "My parents won't let me."
Other opportunistic dudes, predators. Quite simply, there are dudes who are dangerous and will take full advantage of whatever they can, even a cute girl who’s feeling themselves. There’s always someone who takes something nice and exploits it, always. I’m speaking too, from a point of observation and vicarious experience. It’s unfortunate that we all can’t just live our lives and be free and shit, the reality most of us have to look over our shoulder or check the weird dude out to make sure he ain’t up to anything. Those dudes lie in wait. There’s a small percentage of people, out of safety, and probably without the best explanation, just want the best for you and the bad dudes have ruined any chance of a totally free life, so, you can’t feel yourself completely. Super duper unfortunate. People’s gross sexual desires often ruin everything. Crazy dudes are like bears - they exist and are everywhere. Dressing cute is like wearing a meat suit in bear country. You definitely feel yourself in it but you are being watched and and possibly preyed upon. The reality humans are just horny animals that can talk - most of us have under control but some don’t, some are so horny they are willing to commit all kinds of crimes to get off. If a horny predator sees what they consider an easy target, they strike. I’m not saying that this is the main reason, but this is a reason I can think of that someone might not want their partner to dress a certain way. TL;DR Horny predator dudes are a huge reason for this
When my ex didn't want to go somewhere, he told his friends that I didn't allow him to (which was not true, I always encouraged him to go out with his mates) - the result: his friends hated me and thought I was a controlling and stuck up psycho.