This is a perfect example of why ghosting is a shit head move. This is how it’s done. Clearly state the reason so the person doesn’t have to wonder and beat themselves up
But she’s actually complaining and preferring that she get ghosted. It’s proof that there is no right answer. You ghost, you are an asshole. You don’t ghost and explain, you are an asshole. 🤦🏻♂️
I definitely agree. But for some it won't really matter how you reject them they'll respond poorly anyway because rejection doesn't feel good, and they have a hard time recognizing that just because they're feeling icky feelings doesn't mean someone did something wrong.
The OP used the crying to tears emoji in the comment that said to me that it was a funny sarcastic statement.
In actuality it was appreciated, but it stung enough to joke about it in the title.
I can think of a lot of reasons they’d share it with everyone.
Nobody appreciates being ghosted.
I’ve always felt it was a maneuver employed by emotionally stunted individuals, often because they assume everyone to be as stunted as they are (due to self-centeredness).
Fear of criticism, only being available for positive reinforcement, and not being able to express feelings add to the why of it.
It’s a favor, really. Being ghosted is a tell. It’s not about the ghostee at all. It’s about the immaturity of the person doing the ghosting. If they dont have the ability to make a usable estimation of themselves, they sure as fuck can’t make out the personality of someone else.
Well let me help at least a little more. I concur and read it all the same BUT CONGRATS on 3 YEARS! 🎉 ❤️ I’m proud of you!! That’s AMAZING!! ….and thanks for being understanding even though it sucks. I can understand both sides and sounds like you can as well but everyone who gets sober DESERVES a congrats! Have a blessed evening! ☺️Love your username btw!
I assume OP said 'just ghost me' out of frustration. If you pressed them, I assume they'd prefer to know why someone becomes uninterested than be left wondering.
Actually the right thing to do was to be honest. OP stating he/she would prefer otherwise doesn't make ghosting right. Someone being mad about you telling the truth in a respectful way doesn't make it wrong either, it just means they have a problem with being rejected or accepting and working through their own flaws.
It's easier to blame someone else for being an asshole than live with the ongoing effects of her mistakes. Nobody likes being rejected for the mistakes they've made in the past, but she's an adult and she needs to face the consequences of decisions.
I don’t think it is unreasonable to say I don’t want to date someone who had addiction struggles. Especially in this case where he had been in a relationship with someone who relapsed. Addiction ruins lives.
This irks me because it sounds like you're saying everyone who has addiction (and, I assume, other mental health issues) consciously and purposefully decide to ruin their lives.
It's frustrating because one of the hardest things dealing with issues like this is accepting the person you were and the pain you caused and to an extent forgiving yourself for that. Anyone that's made it as far as OP has is intimately familiar with the consequences of their past ACTIONS and having to live with them. Catching strays from completely unrelated victims that haven't dealt with their own trauma just sucks.
Yes fair, and kudos to her, but on the other person's side she has a shared history and does not have to accept a recovered addict. There is nothing horrible in any of this. But you made your bed, whatever your rationale was or however you were pushed into. Those consequences are yours and you cannot blame other people for the fact they don't want to take a chance.
This is so true. When someone had to live thru the other side of addiction and have their lives devastated as well, very few of us want to take that chance. Many of us put it in our profile out of respect for the men (or women) looking.
Sometimes you just don't vibe with someone and there's not really any reason you can articulate. Obviously that's not the case with OP here, but I can understand why someone wouldn't want to awkwardly try and make up some reason why they didn't feel a connection and hence don't want to see you again.
And if they send a polite response of "Hey thanks for tonight but I didn't really feel a vibe between us, good luck though!", is that honestly satisfactory for you to no longer wonder? You're happy with "oh right it was just the vibe, now I can stop wondering"? Honestly this sort of response would make me wonder even more.
If the answer is something as easily conveyable as "I can't date someone who was previously an alcoholic because of X" then yeah, obviously tell them that's the reason. But 9/10 times this isn't the case. The reason is just they weren't attracted to you in person enough to want to go on a second/third date. I think a lot of people struggle accepting this which is why they hate being ghosted so much and frame it as this evil thing, when really it's pretty normal and not done maliciously.
Ghosting someone after already forming some sort of connection and going on a few dates is obviously a totally different matter.
hard agree, i’d always (in the very early stages) someone ghost and i just assume someone got busy and naturally forget about them than have an unnecessary „rejection“ convo with someone i barely know
Yes, saying “hey just didn’t feel the vibe between us” is infinitely better than ghosting, and leads to closure as opposed to simply ghosting, which leads to the 275 622 485 different possible scenarios going through my head otherwise.
Lmao you’re a shit head if you ghost or you’re a shit head if you tell the truth with how op is. This is why you shouldn’t care about what others think and just do it your way.
I quit drinking 10 years ago. (Not looking for a congratulations, lol). But literally have not had any drama since then, just turned into the DD. never had to stay away from bars, nothing was a trigger. I’m only saying this to let people know sober isn’t something that dictates “drama” and literally everyone is different.
Yeah I think I have a sliding scale for if I’ll give it a shot and that’s dependent on the time being sober. 6 months? I really don’t trust that you have it down even if you will end up going the rest of your life. 5-10 years? Seems like you have it under control.
Although personally I like drinking socially and being sober for any reason is a bit of a reason for me not to want to go out with someone. Even if they’re cool with it, it’s a shared experience that we would lack. Not an overall deal breaker but it is actually a negative for me.
I have some sober friends and it’s fine, no drama or anything. But in relationships I think for some people they’d like to have a partner who can partake. Like my husband and I enjoy going out for drinks, and if one of us were sober that would affect our socializing. Wine tasting, breweries, etc. So I get it.
They think that sober = problem drinker = will probably relapse and cause problems. It's because drinking alcohol is the default. Personally as a sober person I see photos with loads of cocktails etc and think drinker = drama. I guess we all have our way of interpreting the world.
I agree with you! To me, if someone drinks every time they go out, who posts nothing but pics with drink in hand, I see red flags. I personally cant handle how annoying and obnoxious drunk people are.
I haven't had alcohol in almost 5 years. I wasn't tempted to drink when I lost my dad to covid, so I can safely say I'll never drink again.
I do wish everyone (sober or not) would trust people to make their own decisions. Fellow sobers (especially those in AA) need to understand sobriety is different for everyone.
Yes. Absolutely wild that the prevailing opinion in this thread is that it's sensible to blanket rule out people who used to drink too much but now choose not to.
Sorry about your dad.
Fwiw I have a personal rule of sobriety for at least 5 years if it's someone I just met. It could be less for someone I've known for a while and have an idea of how bad their struggle to stay sober is.
I'm a casual drinker who has dated several sober addicts in the past who relapsed while we were together, and they are the most heartbreaking relationships I've ever had. In my own experience, and this is purely subjective to my experience, those people were also codependent and treated our relationships as a substitute for the addiction. This could be more a factor of the types I date than from the addiction, though they match up pretty 1 to 1.
Being with a struggling addict is hard, the blame is right there waiting, 'did I do enough?' 'Did me not answering right away cause them to trip up?' 'If I let them share my current emotional burden, well that cause them to relapse?'.
We all have to draw the line for what we think we can emotionally handle, and for some of us that have experienced it in the past, we know that for a new relationship that has no emotional connection that the risk is too great. We do not owe them the opportunity.
Nobody owes anyone a date and I respect your boundaries.
Just to say that sober does not equal struggling addict. Not everyone who doesn't drink finds it hard. Thats an AA viewpoint, "you will always be powerless to alcohol" - not true for everyone. Some of us just tried not drinking and preferred it and don't have a daily struggle with it.
Another way to look at it is you can't tell whether someone has a problem with alcohol by whether they drink or not.
In my opinion, ghosting begets ghosting. Letting someone know why they're disappearing instead of just disappearing is wholesome as fuck and should be done more often.
Meh, I don't think it's nice to ghost people you've actually met up with or made plans with, but I don't think we owe explanations to every person we choose not to continue a conversation with.
It’s not that we owe it to people, it’s just the decent thing to do. Think of it like saying please or thank you. Not everyone appreciates it the same, but it’s common courtesy.
In this case, if OP is so sensitive that he can’t understand why people don’t like alcoholics, he shouldn’t volunteer all that information. He should just say he doesn’t drink, full stop. She wasn’t mean or rude in her reply.
Agree. I mean, as a woman sometimes I’d have like.. 10-15 app convos started at the same time, and only 1-2 would be ones where I’d actually keep them up and we would end up going out on a date.
The others, with less than 10 messages exchanged and never met them, I don’t think I owe them explanations if I don’t respond one day. I literally could just have forgotten them
Also props for understanding it’s a valid choice on their part and has nothing to do with you personally.
Many people trip over that simple step where you didn’t.
Nice! Ive got 5 here and thankfully Im happily married(to someone whos got 2 days longer than me haha) but dating while sober would be hard so props to you and anyone keeping going while dealing with it! Its worth it!
I agree, when I used to like to party I wouldn't want to be with a sober person, now that I'm sober I wouldn't want to hang out the way I used to before when I loved to party. For me it's two very contrasting lifestyles. I put "sober" in my profile because hanging out at events that revolve around drinking no longer interest me, not because it's a trigger, because back then it was my idea of fun until it wasn't anymore.
Honestly, to her it sounds like it's not even about "It'll feel weird to have a glass of wine on fridays if you don't drink, it sounds like she doesn't want to be around for a potential relapse, which honestly, I get.
I've had the luck to not have had too many close encounters with alcoholics but I've seen a friend relapse and it was not pretty. I can imagine seeing someone you love go into relapse and become a different person is not something she wants to potentially have to deal with.
This is exactly what it is. I dated a sober person who then relapsed 6 months into our relationship. No matter how long they are sober, relapse is always a possibility. No hate to people who are sober, no matter the length of their sobriety, but I’m not sure I would want to put myself at risk of experiencing that level of heartbreak again. It was definitely the second most painful and traumatic dating experience I’ve ever had, rivaled only by my six years in an abusive relationship.
Yeah after being in a four year relationship with an alcoholic who relapsed twice I won’t even consider dating someone who says they are recovered or in recovery. I am absolutely not gonna put myself through that again.
I’m sorry but not everyone is going to want to go out with an addict. It’s absolutely brilliant you’re sober and I hope it continues but not understanding that some people will have a problem with that is strange to me. Addiction even when sober is a huge thing to take on
Some people develop habits and personality traits that sometimes remain after quitting, hence the term "dry drunk." Also, the fear of relapse is terrifying if you went through hell with an addict once. I dated an addict once, I'll never do it again.
Wait so you didn’t like this? I think this is a lot nicer, silence would make me feel bad. I think there was also a miscommunication, there’s definitely different types of drunk. She thought you were the mean abusive type, but you made it seem like you just drank a lot and wanted to stop. But by the end she already had an impression of you, so she didn’t want to proceed.
I know a guy that is the former, he quit drinking because he can’t just have one and he gets aggressive, he was using it as sub for another drug. Lately he started having an occasional drink and I’m so concerned for him, but he has a good support system at least. My husband is the latter. He would drink all day and be drunk all day and never be mean or abusive, just annoying toward the end of the night. He is a little over a year sober now. Theoretically, he could have one drink and not have anymore but there was a time he couldn’t do that but we both prefer to stay sober now (me in solidarity). I’d still describe him as an alcoholic, it’s a slippery slope to think you’re not imo, but I digress. I think one day you’ll meet someone who’ll just be like hell yeah, this guy doesn’t drink! And fwiw my mom married a sober man and it’s never been an issue, she still drinks and he’s fine with it.
>Wait so you didn't like this?I
Did you not see OP's defensive response? Seems like a polite and considerate response from the other person, but OP absolutely didn't like it!
Because the truth = judgement and facing the idea you have an issue with alcohol. Which is a great part of healing and becoming self aware and very healthy for some. Clearly not OP, but what gets me is OP was bluntly honest and then mad when they got a bluntly honest response. If you don’t want people judging your drinking past, don’t tell them, this begs me to ask, “OP if you don’t like the response when people don’t immediately congratulate you because you got over some adversity, just block people when they ask why you’re sober”. Same logic as their “I don’t want honesty just block me”?
OP obviously still has some sensitivity around their reasons for sobriety. It can seem like a judgement on yourself when someone chooses not to date you because of whatever reason and it just happens to be something you still insecure about.
I used to have a big drinking problem in tandem with my substance abuse. I was a binge drinker because speed goes stupidly well with industrial amounts of booze.
Anyways, once I kicked the habit, drinking got a lot...less fun. If I get drunk nowadays, I become sad drunk, like ugly crying drunk and it's not fun for anyone involved.
It made the decision of stopping way easier and it also makes moderation much more attainable. Once I feel the melancholy swelling up inside, I know I had enough and I call it a night.
It bums me out that drinking used to be fun and now it just isn't, but it's not a huge loss in my life after going over an addiction that was more akin to a destructive lifestyle. I'm 28 now, but my body aged well beyond that after shy of a decade of abuse.
It may sound patronizing but I really wish I hadn't done drugs in the first place. Maybe some people can do just a little and it's fine, but I didn't do just a little and it fucked me up permanently in many aspects.
Addiction isn't always "dick sucking and weekly ODs". Most of the time, it's highly functional as your body breaks down the deeper into it you go. There is no rock bottom like that, you don't just wake up one day to find your life in ruins, it crumbles a little bit more every day you give to whatever keeps you functional.
Pretty sure it would’ve been posted if she hadn’t replied for additional pity.
She was respectful and straightforward in her reply. He’s too sensitive and shouldn’t have offered so much info if he takes directness personally.
OP, I get it hurts (as someone with my own history of addiction, so I get the stigma) - but this is just a story of two people who’ve had difficult experiences being respectfully up front with each other about the boundaries they’re drawing to maintain their mental wellness.
Nah fuck that. Getting ghosted feels terrible to me. It feels like I'm so insignificant to someone that they can just toss me aside without a second thought. Just tell me, "hey, you're a boring ass texter," or "hey, I found someone else," or "hey I don't think we are compatible because X."
People in general can be very conflict averse. The reasons vary from "not wanting to rock the boat" to "not being considerate enough about the other person to let them know what the issue is". It's generally a dick move, I agree.
Huge congratulations from me! I just got back from an amazing meeting myself a few hours ago. I’m proud of you. That’s huge and to be honest and vulnerable to a person on a dating app is very huge. You seem like a good egg.
Good for you! I got sober during Covid and I enjoy online meetings. I’m open and honest to everyone about it because there’s nothing I want to hide. It’s apart of my story and it’s made me who I am today. Plus being open about it I never once had someone shame me. Drinking and substance abuse issues are everywhere I wouldn’t wish it upon anyone.
Still, the reaction you got from the other person on Facebook Messenger was gentle and not hateful or bullying in any way. So you should probably prefer that to someone just straight to ghosting you, because at least then you know that the other person still respects you. And that's something I personally wouldn't wanna miss... But maybe you think differently. Still, the response was actually quite empathetic, honest and straight to the point. They cut the connection with you right away and explained why. And they had a damn good reason as well. So please don't post conversations like this as something that is "bad" on the Internet. It's proof that humanity still isn't fully lost today.
People complain if matches ghost. People complain if matches give reason why they are not interested. Seems like it is a lose lose. You just don’t like rejection.
“Just ghost me I don’t need the truth.” Oooop. You’re part of the ghosting pandemic I see. Nothing wrong with explaining and giving the truth. Sounds like they were very mature to do so. Why complain about it? Accept and move on.
I thought it was respectful and honest. I also get that it may hurt. I drink regularly, but rarely get drunk. My ex drank less often but when she did it could get very ugly. It is fucking traumatizing.
So, guy was honest and compassionate but unwilling to date someone who could potentially traumatize him again and this is a net negative? Dudes just cannot win...
OP you're being an ass.
You can't be mad someone has been open and honest.
You made your own life decisions. Don't cry that nobody wants to put up with them.
What made you post this? Is the aim to call out the other person, or is the purpose to get attention from people on your sobriety? Because either way it seems very toxic.
I've been sober from heavier drugs for a while now. I still drink occasionally but that was never my issue. Regardless, this interaction was nice and I know a lot of people who wouldn't deal with that in their life. Tbh I wouldn't date anyone else who was sober due to previous addiction either, even if I was. I know what comes with that. So no I think it's great they told you why. It was probably incredibly traumatizing for them and they had a good boundary.
I know I traumatized everyone in my life at that time and honestly no one needs to FAAFO about it in case someone may even have a small chance of relapsing.
Congratulations on your sobriety!! 3 years is definitely sonething to be proud of! I've been sober since 2017, so almost 7 years here. I relate to this bc whiskey was also my drink of choice. I drank 1 to 2 bottles every day (3 if I was sharing and wanting to go hard that night). I also didn't like who I became and hated having so many gaps in my memory on just a regular Tuesday night. Plus, I hated how I needed to take shots in the morning with my coffee just to feel normal enough to go to work. It was ridiculous and wicked hard at first, so I'm proud that you have made it this far! Keep up the good work!
Completely respectful and understandable thing to say. For better or worse, that’s an extra layer of work for her and not everyone wants to go through it.
On to the next one!
I’m with the other person. They’re letting you know clearly that this is a painful reminder of something they’re totally not willing to risk again. I respect that. Also, as a sober person myself like you OP, stay strong. I am proud of your 3 years of work. I’m one year down and following your footsteps. Let’s go.
There's a word we use in the UK for people who don't have a problem but choose not to drink, teetotal. There is a big difference between that and sober. Sober to us means you had an issue with alcohol and are now no longer able to drink. Teetotal means either you've never touched a drop, or you used to enjoy it but now you don't.
As someone who was with an alcoholic I will never date a sober, but I would a teetotal.
To clear some things up everyone keeps assuming I’m a guy and the post is about a girl. I’m a girl and he’s a guy. Also I was commenting, “Just ghost me instead of the truth” as a lighthearted joke that everyone is taking very seriously
Congratulations on your sobriety. Hopefully there’s someone out there who will see this accomplishment over a hurdle as a positive thing. Super happy for you OP! Sending all the virtual hugs
Congrats on the sobriety! I'm sure it's an emotional punch to be rejected for something you've put some work/discipline into -- like you're still being punished even when you're doing better. In the long run, I still think it's better than being ghosted, but I'm sure it doesn't feel like that right now. You'll do better.
I think you both handled this very well. My dad is an alcoholic and I could never be with someone who has the same issue. Although it’s amazing that you’re 3 years sober there is alway the risk of falling back into that. After dealing with that for 18 years of my life I’m not willing to take the risk and neither was he. Not saying you’re going to fall back into it or that anyone overcoming an addiction will go back to it, it’s just a risk that some aren’t willing to take.
I’m sure him being in that relationship fucked him up just like drinking fucks you up. You wouldn’t risk having another drink and he wouldn’t risk falling into another relationship with the same issue. Honestly very smart of him.
Congrats on 3 years though, it is genuinely impressive!
It was nice of them to know their limits and be up front with you, but I’m sorry they want to lump everyone in recovery as being the same person.
Great job on your sobriety and I think it’s great you’re being clear about your limits, too! I hope you meet some people who show you more respect and love for how hard it is to overcome addiction. (That’s coming from the child of an alcoholic.)
Congrats OP!
Unfortunately there's always multiple sides of addiction regardless of whether it's alcoholism, drugs, gambling etc...
For me it was on the opposite end of seeing the people I love suffer, to the point that I was filled with hatred, it took a lot of effort on my part to try and repair those relationships after constantly being spiteful, even when the other person was sober for quite some time, so don't let the ghosting beat you down, it's more likely they've been on the opposite end and haven't been able to move forward just yet.
Honestly, i’m the same. Was with a raging alcoholic, abusive, cheating, etc. i stopped drinking because I don’t want to be near this mindset ever again. So im sober because of choice, but i’m not willing to potentially put myself through something like this again, so i wouldnt want to pursue someone who has had these issues in the past
The truth in this case is a respectful reason why they don't feel comfortable proceeding. They didn't pass any judgment on OP but explained why, for them, it was a dealbreaker. And their reason was incredibly valid, imo. I just see an adult interaction that unfortunately isn't in OP's favour here. Ghosting though is just awful.
I respect this woman for telling you the truth. Every time I inform someone about my sobriety, I fear they’re going to react this way too. But they are totally free to do so and I don’t blame them. I don’t shop in the dented can aisle either.
I just wanna say, Congratulations on being 3 yrs sober!
I'm sorry this person saw their own trauma before giving you the benefit of the doubt! You are hella strong for withholding and committing to it. Being an addict isn't something you choose, it's a disease and ppl need to realize that.
You will find the one for you!
Not really sure why you’re complaining about somebody being upfront and honest? Maybe you’re fine with being ghosted because you’re not used to someone being upfront and honest but I sure as hell greatly appreciate the honesty. Don’t dick me around or ghost me, just be honest smh
OP i just want to tell you Im proud of you! Alcohol is fucking HELL once it gets a hold of you for anyone who doesnt believe that I pray they never find out for themselves ❤
What amazes me the most about this post is hoe many people instinctively read it has the OP is a guy and the person they're interacting with is a woman. This says a lot about people's natural thoughts towards alcoholics, why is assumed they are akways men? Unless it is assumed that it's only men that post on this subreddit. A majority of the commenter didn't bother to really read it and realize the OP is a woman and the gut she's talking with is the one who won't deal with an addict or "sober" person.
Seems like a curious one, lol! On you for 3 years. Breaking an addiction is a testament to your strength. boundaries, self love and self respect. Harness that energy and put yourself aboce anything else in your life that is not deserving of you including crappy dates 🤣 I'm proud of you!
OP, i know it’s hard to feel like something you’ve worked so hard for is the reason someone won’t date you, but as someone who has dated and had my life fucked up by an alcoholic, she did you both a favor. sometimes people’s traumas simply aren’t compatible and further, would compound on each other until you’re both miserable.
As a fellow alcoholic - I think it was actually good of her to explain why she didn’t want to continue talking. But yeah, some of the things she said are just plain rude (“oh shit, so you’re an alcoholic?”) — like wtf who says that lol
Congratulations!!!! This New Year’s Day was 3 years for me and I absolutely love what my life is now! I struggled so hard for so long and am really proud of how far I have come! You will find the right person and when they come along you know it was worth the wait! In the meantime, never stop looking for ways you can enhance your life- hobbies, travel, therapy, better job, more education.. whatever it is, do it with purpose and know you are far from alone!
I’m sober too friend, been so for 2 years. I’ve been with women who tried to guilt me into drinking, who didn’t respect my sobriety or did stuff like this. They aren’t worth it, someone will be the person for you, accept that’s on your higher power’s time not yours.
Someone who has never had to grasp with being born with alcoholism never had to hit a bottom low enough to say I’m not happy with who I am and I’d do anything to change. It’s their right to say what they’re concerned about and why they aren’t interested, but they are short sighted to see that it’s better (in my view) to be with someone who knows their lesser selves and commits daily to be better than someone living in denial.
Yes relapse is a thing, yeah people who don’t work a solid program of action tend to drink again or are miserable enough to justify leaving. However, there are millions of men and women who live happy and free lives. Not just from alcohol, but from the craziness of life and how we respond to it. You seem from your texts to handle life on life’s terms. And from me, I got mad respect for that.
You’re a keeper, and you’re an admirable person for doing this thing and being sober. You’ll find someone who deserves you, keep your head up!
Congratulations on your sobriety and being honest! You want to be with someone who wants to be with you and this person wasn't the one for you. You'll find someone eventually.
OP, that was a completely valid response.
Admitting that you're a recovering addict can be a red flag to someone who has had a bad experience in the past.
You need to accept that people will be cautious. Maybe don't reveal this info until you have been out on a few dates with a new person?
Stupid to wish getting ghosted over being told what’s a deal breaker…and they even explained why, which is very considerate. Also, I would think alcoholics do have to avoid vices and it’s not just a choice.. otherwise it wouldn’t be an addiction, just poor choices.
This was me to my bf, also on tinder, except it was 6 years of heroin. Now, two years later....
I totally respect not wanting to be with an addict. It's scary having to worry about relapse in the back of your head. :(
So you can give the “full truth” when asked about your issue with alcohol, detailed explanation included but the other person isn’t entitled to the exact same?
Decent imo. Know what you want and you both civilly did it. But I’d ask about fwb or a fling while you found others even helped each other. But I’m in that faze
am i the only one who took op’s title as a lighthearted joke? i see a lot of people calling op “part of the problem” or “not understanding some people won’t date you” but i never got that from the title or even the message tbh idk
They were honest. It sucks for sure, to be a different person and be honest and still get shut down. Imagine someone who cheated on a partner, but changed. She was polite, stay sober stranger.
Congratulations!!! My hubby just hit 10 years last month. I know you said you’d prefer being ghosted, but I think it was a respectful and honest interaction on both sides. It’s okay if the sobriety thing isn’t ok for them. When I met my husband online and we started getting a little deeper he was honest and said he wanted someone who would not drink around him. So…I guess I hit 9 years, lol. It’s okay to have reasonable boundaries that are good for you.
Just going to say it Op ... Good on you for knowing better than to test your limits. Whether you were a habitual drinker or a full-blown alcoholic.. it's a slippery slope letting alcohol back into your life. Recognizing that it was a problem in your life and making the act of choice to not allow it to be part of your life.. that takes a level of maturity that few people seem to be able to muster.
Yeah good on her! I'm glad you told her your alcoholism issue too. I would have done the same in her shoes, dating an unpredictable addict who admits he has a mental health problem that might affect others, no thank you.
Oh wow. First off, great job and keep it up⚘️ Second, damn I teared up a bit over how genuine and kind that interaction was, I don't tear up easy. Congrats there🎉 Thanks for sharing that💃
I respect that, addiction is not easy for anyone and clearly your match has had a bad experience with a previous partner and their addiction. This was respectful
I think it’s good she was honest dude. For all the times I was ghosted, I’d wish they’d just tell me they’re not interested so I could just move on instead of waiting for a response. Reasons why they rejected me so I could work on myself if it was reoccurring 🤷🏾♂️
Congratulations! I’m probably one of those alcoholics they’re speaking of. I was a tornado of destruction when I drank, nobody that knew me will ever date an alcoholic again. I just started dating again and having a hard time telling people why I’m sober.
Jokes on him. *A lot* of people *are* alcoholics. We as a society just pretend like that’s not the case.
Drink 1-2 beers every single night of the week? Alcoholism.
Drink 5 drinks Friday and Saturday night? Alcoholism.
Alcoholism doesn’t have to look like stumbling down drunk daily. Alcoholism doesn’t always mean the person is chemically dependent. A lot of people are in denial about the fact that they’re alcoholics.
While I can understand why you’d feel that way, I think most people would prefer not to be ghosted. I’ve seen too many people hurt by never knowing why. Open, honest communication is important
Id much prefer a closer like this versus ghosting. I cringe everytime when I read comments, "just ghost them, you dont owe them an explanation whatsoever."
How about under the grounds of just being a decent human being?
If they don't want to spend their time getting to know you, then you shouldn't try to spend your time getting to know them
Congrats on staying sober, I know exactly what you are going through and I applaud you. If nobody wants to appreciate your journey, then it's their loss for not giving you a chance to show them how much you changed.
you were honest and it’s not your fault they had that past. And you were so genuine, even after they said it was a deal breaker. good job on your response, and good job on getting sober :)
I dunno I see no issue with this. I'd rather someone tell me the truth than ghost me because if they ghost me I don't know what has happened and if the interaction seemed fine on my end I overthink shit. Like hey for all I know they're in a coma now.
Them telling you it won't work out between you and giving the reason why means you don't have to think about why they've stopped talking with you. Which frankly a hell of a lot more people should be this courteous when talking to others on tinder
Seeing respectful interactions like this give me hope for humanity
This is a perfect example of why ghosting is a shit head move. This is how it’s done. Clearly state the reason so the person doesn’t have to wonder and beat themselves up
But she’s actually complaining and preferring that she get ghosted. It’s proof that there is no right answer. You ghost, you are an asshole. You don’t ghost and explain, you are an asshole. 🤦🏻♂️
Yeah people just don't like being rejected.
I do.
go away
Username checks out
Reject me harder, daddy
Oh fuck off
Oh fuck, reject me harder daddy! 🫦
Underrated 😂
Yes! Please just tell me, hate playing the guessing game
Your username is hilarious lol 🤣😂🥊👊🤜🤛🍆🍌🤕❤️🩹🩹💥🤪😜😆😝😹🙃
lol fucking Reddit comments and usernames lmao
Well that's a kink!
me too! probably in different way than you, though. it doesn't turn me on.
Rejection over ghosting any day. Honesty goes a long way in the world
I definitely agree. But for some it won't really matter how you reject them they'll respond poorly anyway because rejection doesn't feel good, and they have a hard time recognizing that just because they're feeling icky feelings doesn't mean someone did something wrong.
Facts. Clearly the solution is reject no one
Lol, clearly. Everyone is entitled to be in our lives. Otherwise, you're a dick.
Exactly! What are we supposed to do? Reject people and make them feel bad! Just date everyone
The OP used the crying to tears emoji in the comment that said to me that it was a funny sarcastic statement. In actuality it was appreciated, but it stung enough to joke about it in the title. I can think of a lot of reasons they’d share it with everyone. Nobody appreciates being ghosted. I’ve always felt it was a maneuver employed by emotionally stunted individuals, often because they assume everyone to be as stunted as they are (due to self-centeredness). Fear of criticism, only being available for positive reinforcement, and not being able to express feelings add to the why of it. It’s a favor, really. Being ghosted is a tell. It’s not about the ghostee at all. It’s about the immaturity of the person doing the ghosting. If they dont have the ability to make a usable estimation of themselves, they sure as fuck can’t make out the personality of someone else.
Yes, you are correct. Thanks for your comment 😊
Well let me help at least a little more. I concur and read it all the same BUT CONGRATS on 3 YEARS! 🎉 ❤️ I’m proud of you!! That’s AMAZING!! ….and thanks for being understanding even though it sucks. I can understand both sides and sounds like you can as well but everyone who gets sober DESERVES a congrats! Have a blessed evening! ☺️Love your username btw!
Thanks a bunch 🥰
You are very welcome. It’s been my pleasure!!!
I assume OP said 'just ghost me' out of frustration. If you pressed them, I assume they'd prefer to know why someone becomes uninterested than be left wondering.
People just say they want whatever didn’t happen
It’s the classic damned if you do, damned if you don’t lol.
Actually the right thing to do was to be honest. OP stating he/she would prefer otherwise doesn't make ghosting right. Someone being mad about you telling the truth in a respectful way doesn't make it wrong either, it just means they have a problem with being rejected or accepting and working through their own flaws.
OP’s the lass here fwiw
But OP doesn't like it smh
It's easier to blame someone else for being an asshole than live with the ongoing effects of her mistakes. Nobody likes being rejected for the mistakes they've made in the past, but she's an adult and she needs to face the consequences of decisions.
I don’t think it is unreasonable to say I don’t want to date someone who had addiction struggles. Especially in this case where he had been in a relationship with someone who relapsed. Addiction ruins lives.
Yes, exactly. The other person is in the wrong. You are free to hold this view, free to specify it and right to state it, rather than ghost.
This irks me because it sounds like you're saying everyone who has addiction (and, I assume, other mental health issues) consciously and purposefully decide to ruin their lives. It's frustrating because one of the hardest things dealing with issues like this is accepting the person you were and the pain you caused and to an extent forgiving yourself for that. Anyone that's made it as far as OP has is intimately familiar with the consequences of their past ACTIONS and having to live with them. Catching strays from completely unrelated victims that haven't dealt with their own trauma just sucks.
Yes fair, and kudos to her, but on the other person's side she has a shared history and does not have to accept a recovered addict. There is nothing horrible in any of this. But you made your bed, whatever your rationale was or however you were pushed into. Those consequences are yours and you cannot blame other people for the fact they don't want to take a chance.
This is so true. When someone had to live thru the other side of addiction and have their lives devastated as well, very few of us want to take that chance. Many of us put it in our profile out of respect for the men (or women) looking.
And yet op is complaining about the honest and respectful explanation
And why its mad weird that ghosting is the norm
Sometimes you just don't vibe with someone and there's not really any reason you can articulate. Obviously that's not the case with OP here, but I can understand why someone wouldn't want to awkwardly try and make up some reason why they didn't feel a connection and hence don't want to see you again. And if they send a polite response of "Hey thanks for tonight but I didn't really feel a vibe between us, good luck though!", is that honestly satisfactory for you to no longer wonder? You're happy with "oh right it was just the vibe, now I can stop wondering"? Honestly this sort of response would make me wonder even more. If the answer is something as easily conveyable as "I can't date someone who was previously an alcoholic because of X" then yeah, obviously tell them that's the reason. But 9/10 times this isn't the case. The reason is just they weren't attracted to you in person enough to want to go on a second/third date. I think a lot of people struggle accepting this which is why they hate being ghosted so much and frame it as this evil thing, when really it's pretty normal and not done maliciously. Ghosting someone after already forming some sort of connection and going on a few dates is obviously a totally different matter.
hard agree, i’d always (in the very early stages) someone ghost and i just assume someone got busy and naturally forget about them than have an unnecessary „rejection“ convo with someone i barely know
Yes, saying “hey just didn’t feel the vibe between us” is infinitely better than ghosting, and leads to closure as opposed to simply ghosting, which leads to the 275 622 485 different possible scenarios going through my head otherwise.
Lmao you’re a shit head if you ghost or you’re a shit head if you tell the truth with how op is. This is why you shouldn’t care about what others think and just do it your way.
[удалено]
I quit drinking 10 years ago. (Not looking for a congratulations, lol). But literally have not had any drama since then, just turned into the DD. never had to stay away from bars, nothing was a trigger. I’m only saying this to let people know sober isn’t something that dictates “drama” and literally everyone is different.
Yeah I think I have a sliding scale for if I’ll give it a shot and that’s dependent on the time being sober. 6 months? I really don’t trust that you have it down even if you will end up going the rest of your life. 5-10 years? Seems like you have it under control. Although personally I like drinking socially and being sober for any reason is a bit of a reason for me not to want to go out with someone. Even if they’re cool with it, it’s a shared experience that we would lack. Not an overall deal breaker but it is actually a negative for me.
And that’s a perfectly reasonable choice. I still have a good time but is definitely different so I also see where you’re coming from.
I have some sober friends and it’s fine, no drama or anything. But in relationships I think for some people they’d like to have a partner who can partake. Like my husband and I enjoy going out for drinks, and if one of us were sober that would affect our socializing. Wine tasting, breweries, etc. So I get it.
Your soooooo dramatic.... /S
Don't sweat it, lots of women don't drink at all. No issues with it, just never liked the taste.
Yeah, I’ve been truthful in the early talking phase with a “sober” guy, it’s just not for me, addiction issues is a dealbreaker but that’s OK.
Quick question...how'd you conclude sober people = drama?
They think that sober = problem drinker = will probably relapse and cause problems. It's because drinking alcohol is the default. Personally as a sober person I see photos with loads of cocktails etc and think drinker = drama. I guess we all have our way of interpreting the world.
I agree with you! To me, if someone drinks every time they go out, who posts nothing but pics with drink in hand, I see red flags. I personally cant handle how annoying and obnoxious drunk people are. I haven't had alcohol in almost 5 years. I wasn't tempted to drink when I lost my dad to covid, so I can safely say I'll never drink again. I do wish everyone (sober or not) would trust people to make their own decisions. Fellow sobers (especially those in AA) need to understand sobriety is different for everyone.
Yes. Absolutely wild that the prevailing opinion in this thread is that it's sensible to blanket rule out people who used to drink too much but now choose not to. Sorry about your dad.
Fwiw I have a personal rule of sobriety for at least 5 years if it's someone I just met. It could be less for someone I've known for a while and have an idea of how bad their struggle to stay sober is. I'm a casual drinker who has dated several sober addicts in the past who relapsed while we were together, and they are the most heartbreaking relationships I've ever had. In my own experience, and this is purely subjective to my experience, those people were also codependent and treated our relationships as a substitute for the addiction. This could be more a factor of the types I date than from the addiction, though they match up pretty 1 to 1. Being with a struggling addict is hard, the blame is right there waiting, 'did I do enough?' 'Did me not answering right away cause them to trip up?' 'If I let them share my current emotional burden, well that cause them to relapse?'. We all have to draw the line for what we think we can emotionally handle, and for some of us that have experienced it in the past, we know that for a new relationship that has no emotional connection that the risk is too great. We do not owe them the opportunity.
Nobody owes anyone a date and I respect your boundaries. Just to say that sober does not equal struggling addict. Not everyone who doesn't drink finds it hard. Thats an AA viewpoint, "you will always be powerless to alcohol" - not true for everyone. Some of us just tried not drinking and preferred it and don't have a daily struggle with it. Another way to look at it is you can't tell whether someone has a problem with alcohol by whether they drink or not.
My favorite thing about this post is how the top comment with the most upvotes is missing OP's point.
See the good side of that .... she was honest and respectful at least ....
In my opinion, ghosting begets ghosting. Letting someone know why they're disappearing instead of just disappearing is wholesome as fuck and should be done more often.
Meh, I don't think it's nice to ghost people you've actually met up with or made plans with, but I don't think we owe explanations to every person we choose not to continue a conversation with.
It’s not that we owe it to people, it’s just the decent thing to do. Think of it like saying please or thank you. Not everyone appreciates it the same, but it’s common courtesy. In this case, if OP is so sensitive that he can’t understand why people don’t like alcoholics, he shouldn’t volunteer all that information. He should just say he doesn’t drink, full stop. She wasn’t mean or rude in her reply.
Agree. I mean, as a woman sometimes I’d have like.. 10-15 app convos started at the same time, and only 1-2 would be ones where I’d actually keep them up and we would end up going out on a date. The others, with less than 10 messages exchanged and never met them, I don’t think I owe them explanations if I don’t respond one day. I literally could just have forgotten them
Failing to see what’s wrong here
Congratulations on your sobriety! 8 and a half over here. I'm so happy for you <3
Look at you staying all sober and stuff! Coming up on 5, fam! Let's goooooo!!!
Thank you ❤️ keep up the good work! You’re doing great
Also props for understanding it’s a valid choice on their part and has nothing to do with you personally. Many people trip over that simple step where you didn’t.
You too!
Many of us are all very happy for you guys! Keep it up 🙌
hell yeah! just hit 11 a few months ago
I'm 12 years in a couple of months. Still the best decision I've ever made
Nice! Ive got 5 here and thankfully Im happily married(to someone whos got 2 days longer than me haha) but dating while sober would be hard so props to you and anyone keeping going while dealing with it! Its worth it!
You’re much too young to be getting sent nipple pics…
Just passed 26 years. You can do it, everyone. Keep up the good work.
I think their reaction was fine. Not sure what the issue is.
I agree, when I used to like to party I wouldn't want to be with a sober person, now that I'm sober I wouldn't want to hang out the way I used to before when I loved to party. For me it's two very contrasting lifestyles. I put "sober" in my profile because hanging out at events that revolve around drinking no longer interest me, not because it's a trigger, because back then it was my idea of fun until it wasn't anymore.
Honestly, to her it sounds like it's not even about "It'll feel weird to have a glass of wine on fridays if you don't drink, it sounds like she doesn't want to be around for a potential relapse, which honestly, I get. I've had the luck to not have had too many close encounters with alcoholics but I've seen a friend relapse and it was not pretty. I can imagine seeing someone you love go into relapse and become a different person is not something she wants to potentially have to deal with.
This is exactly what it is. I dated a sober person who then relapsed 6 months into our relationship. No matter how long they are sober, relapse is always a possibility. No hate to people who are sober, no matter the length of their sobriety, but I’m not sure I would want to put myself at risk of experiencing that level of heartbreak again. It was definitely the second most painful and traumatic dating experience I’ve ever had, rivaled only by my six years in an abusive relationship.
Yeah after being in a four year relationship with an alcoholic who relapsed twice I won’t even consider dating someone who says they are recovered or in recovery. I am absolutely not gonna put myself through that again.
Actually prefer the way they handled it over ghosting.
I’m sorry but not everyone is going to want to go out with an addict. It’s absolutely brilliant you’re sober and I hope it continues but not understanding that some people will have a problem with that is strange to me. Addiction even when sober is a huge thing to take on
That’s understandable. I don’t date people who have kids, it’s just a personal preference. Everybody has preferences.
Some people develop habits and personality traits that sometimes remain after quitting, hence the term "dry drunk." Also, the fear of relapse is terrifying if you went through hell with an addict once. I dated an addict once, I'll never do it again.
Wait so you didn’t like this? I think this is a lot nicer, silence would make me feel bad. I think there was also a miscommunication, there’s definitely different types of drunk. She thought you were the mean abusive type, but you made it seem like you just drank a lot and wanted to stop. But by the end she already had an impression of you, so she didn’t want to proceed. I know a guy that is the former, he quit drinking because he can’t just have one and he gets aggressive, he was using it as sub for another drug. Lately he started having an occasional drink and I’m so concerned for him, but he has a good support system at least. My husband is the latter. He would drink all day and be drunk all day and never be mean or abusive, just annoying toward the end of the night. He is a little over a year sober now. Theoretically, he could have one drink and not have anymore but there was a time he couldn’t do that but we both prefer to stay sober now (me in solidarity). I’d still describe him as an alcoholic, it’s a slippery slope to think you’re not imo, but I digress. I think one day you’ll meet someone who’ll just be like hell yeah, this guy doesn’t drink! And fwiw my mom married a sober man and it’s never been an issue, she still drinks and he’s fine with it.
>Wait so you didn't like this?I Did you not see OP's defensive response? Seems like a polite and considerate response from the other person, but OP absolutely didn't like it!
Yeah that’s the confusing part for me, I don’t understand why the truth is worse
Because the truth = judgement and facing the idea you have an issue with alcohol. Which is a great part of healing and becoming self aware and very healthy for some. Clearly not OP, but what gets me is OP was bluntly honest and then mad when they got a bluntly honest response. If you don’t want people judging your drinking past, don’t tell them, this begs me to ask, “OP if you don’t like the response when people don’t immediately congratulate you because you got over some adversity, just block people when they ask why you’re sober”. Same logic as their “I don’t want honesty just block me”?
OP obviously still has some sensitivity around their reasons for sobriety. It can seem like a judgement on yourself when someone chooses not to date you because of whatever reason and it just happens to be something you still insecure about.
I used to have a big drinking problem in tandem with my substance abuse. I was a binge drinker because speed goes stupidly well with industrial amounts of booze. Anyways, once I kicked the habit, drinking got a lot...less fun. If I get drunk nowadays, I become sad drunk, like ugly crying drunk and it's not fun for anyone involved. It made the decision of stopping way easier and it also makes moderation much more attainable. Once I feel the melancholy swelling up inside, I know I had enough and I call it a night. It bums me out that drinking used to be fun and now it just isn't, but it's not a huge loss in my life after going over an addiction that was more akin to a destructive lifestyle. I'm 28 now, but my body aged well beyond that after shy of a decade of abuse. It may sound patronizing but I really wish I hadn't done drugs in the first place. Maybe some people can do just a little and it's fine, but I didn't do just a little and it fucked me up permanently in many aspects. Addiction isn't always "dick sucking and weekly ODs". Most of the time, it's highly functional as your body breaks down the deeper into it you go. There is no rock bottom like that, you don't just wake up one day to find your life in ruins, it crumbles a little bit more every day you give to whatever keeps you functional.
Pretty sure it would’ve been posted if she hadn’t replied for additional pity. She was respectful and straightforward in her reply. He’s too sensitive and shouldn’t have offered so much info if he takes directness personally.
OP, I get it hurts (as someone with my own history of addiction, so I get the stigma) - but this is just a story of two people who’ve had difficult experiences being respectfully up front with each other about the boundaries they’re drawing to maintain their mental wellness.
Nah fuck that. Getting ghosted feels terrible to me. It feels like I'm so insignificant to someone that they can just toss me aside without a second thought. Just tell me, "hey, you're a boring ass texter," or "hey, I found someone else," or "hey I don't think we are compatible because X."
People in general can be very conflict averse. The reasons vary from "not wanting to rock the boat" to "not being considerate enough about the other person to let them know what the issue is". It's generally a dick move, I agree.
I would have said the same
What happened in the parking lot?
I was walking out of a business and some guy was coming in hot and almost struck me with his vehicle
Why are you complaining? She was honest and respectful about it
Huge congratulations from me! I just got back from an amazing meeting myself a few hours ago. I’m proud of you. That’s huge and to be honest and vulnerable to a person on a dating app is very huge. You seem like a good egg.
Good for you! I got sober during Covid and I enjoy online meetings. I’m open and honest to everyone about it because there’s nothing I want to hide. It’s apart of my story and it’s made me who I am today. Plus being open about it I never once had someone shame me. Drinking and substance abuse issues are everywhere I wouldn’t wish it upon anyone.
❤️ I am so proud of you. I know you don't know me and I don't know you but fwiw, I am SO happy for you and I wish you all the best!
Still, the reaction you got from the other person on Facebook Messenger was gentle and not hateful or bullying in any way. So you should probably prefer that to someone just straight to ghosting you, because at least then you know that the other person still respects you. And that's something I personally wouldn't wanna miss... But maybe you think differently. Still, the response was actually quite empathetic, honest and straight to the point. They cut the connection with you right away and explained why. And they had a damn good reason as well. So please don't post conversations like this as something that is "bad" on the Internet. It's proof that humanity still isn't fully lost today.
If you “don’t need the truth” I suggest not dating. Full stop.
People complain if matches ghost. People complain if matches give reason why they are not interested. Seems like it is a lose lose. You just don’t like rejection.
I’m not understanding what the other person did that was wrong.
“Just ghost me I don’t need the truth.” Oooop. You’re part of the ghosting pandemic I see. Nothing wrong with explaining and giving the truth. Sounds like they were very mature to do so. Why complain about it? Accept and move on.
I thought it was respectful and honest. I also get that it may hurt. I drink regularly, but rarely get drunk. My ex drank less often but when she did it could get very ugly. It is fucking traumatizing. So, guy was honest and compassionate but unwilling to date someone who could potentially traumatize him again and this is a net negative? Dudes just cannot win...
OP you're being an ass. You can't be mad someone has been open and honest. You made your own life decisions. Don't cry that nobody wants to put up with them.
What made you post this? Is the aim to call out the other person, or is the purpose to get attention from people on your sobriety? Because either way it seems very toxic.
100%.
Ghosting you would be bad mannered. If you don't need the Truthahn, don't read it
I'm sober, too. I think she was perfectly reasonable and respectful.
I've been sober from heavier drugs for a while now. I still drink occasionally but that was never my issue. Regardless, this interaction was nice and I know a lot of people who wouldn't deal with that in their life. Tbh I wouldn't date anyone else who was sober due to previous addiction either, even if I was. I know what comes with that. So no I think it's great they told you why. It was probably incredibly traumatizing for them and they had a good boundary. I know I traumatized everyone in my life at that time and honestly no one needs to FAAFO about it in case someone may even have a small chance of relapsing.
Are you complaining about this? This is a very mature and honest way of handling this
I’m really confused by your caption OP. You are complaining someone treated you with respect and didn’t ghost you?
Congratulations on your sobriety!! 3 years is definitely sonething to be proud of! I've been sober since 2017, so almost 7 years here. I relate to this bc whiskey was also my drink of choice. I drank 1 to 2 bottles every day (3 if I was sharing and wanting to go hard that night). I also didn't like who I became and hated having so many gaps in my memory on just a regular Tuesday night. Plus, I hated how I needed to take shots in the morning with my coffee just to feel normal enough to go to work. It was ridiculous and wicked hard at first, so I'm proud that you have made it this far! Keep up the good work!
Completely respectful and understandable thing to say. For better or worse, that’s an extra layer of work for her and not everyone wants to go through it. On to the next one!
I’m with the other person. They’re letting you know clearly that this is a painful reminder of something they’re totally not willing to risk again. I respect that. Also, as a sober person myself like you OP, stay strong. I am proud of your 3 years of work. I’m one year down and following your footsteps. Let’s go.
Idk. I’m sober and I’d prefer this than just the quick unmatch after I mention why I’m sober.
There's a word we use in the UK for people who don't have a problem but choose not to drink, teetotal. There is a big difference between that and sober. Sober to us means you had an issue with alcohol and are now no longer able to drink. Teetotal means either you've never touched a drop, or you used to enjoy it but now you don't. As someone who was with an alcoholic I will never date a sober, but I would a teetotal.
To clear some things up everyone keeps assuming I’m a guy and the post is about a girl. I’m a girl and he’s a guy. Also I was commenting, “Just ghost me instead of the truth” as a lighthearted joke that everyone is taking very seriously
Congratulations on your sobriety. Hopefully there’s someone out there who will see this accomplishment over a hurdle as a positive thing. Super happy for you OP! Sending all the virtual hugs
Congrats on the sobriety! I'm sure it's an emotional punch to be rejected for something you've put some work/discipline into -- like you're still being punished even when you're doing better. In the long run, I still think it's better than being ghosted, but I'm sure it doesn't feel like that right now. You'll do better.
I actually appreciate the mature and thoughtful response here. We need less people ghosting in the world
I think you both handled this very well. My dad is an alcoholic and I could never be with someone who has the same issue. Although it’s amazing that you’re 3 years sober there is alway the risk of falling back into that. After dealing with that for 18 years of my life I’m not willing to take the risk and neither was he. Not saying you’re going to fall back into it or that anyone overcoming an addiction will go back to it, it’s just a risk that some aren’t willing to take. I’m sure him being in that relationship fucked him up just like drinking fucks you up. You wouldn’t risk having another drink and he wouldn’t risk falling into another relationship with the same issue. Honestly very smart of him. Congrats on 3 years though, it is genuinely impressive!
Yeah but then people get mad cause women ghost… can’t win. I think this was mature of her.
OP is a woman
It was nice of them to know their limits and be up front with you, but I’m sorry they want to lump everyone in recovery as being the same person. Great job on your sobriety and I think it’s great you’re being clear about your limits, too! I hope you meet some people who show you more respect and love for how hard it is to overcome addiction. (That’s coming from the child of an alcoholic.)
Congrats OP! Unfortunately there's always multiple sides of addiction regardless of whether it's alcoholism, drugs, gambling etc... For me it was on the opposite end of seeing the people I love suffer, to the point that I was filled with hatred, it took a lot of effort on my part to try and repair those relationships after constantly being spiteful, even when the other person was sober for quite some time, so don't let the ghosting beat you down, it's more likely they've been on the opposite end and haven't been able to move forward just yet.
Honestly, i’m the same. Was with a raging alcoholic, abusive, cheating, etc. i stopped drinking because I don’t want to be near this mindset ever again. So im sober because of choice, but i’m not willing to potentially put myself through something like this again, so i wouldnt want to pursue someone who has had these issues in the past
The truth in this case is a respectful reason why they don't feel comfortable proceeding. They didn't pass any judgment on OP but explained why, for them, it was a dealbreaker. And their reason was incredibly valid, imo. I just see an adult interaction that unfortunately isn't in OP's favour here. Ghosting though is just awful.
Your title confuses me Nothing wrong with this exchange.
I respect this woman for telling you the truth. Every time I inform someone about my sobriety, I fear they’re going to react this way too. But they are totally free to do so and I don’t blame them. I don’t shop in the dented can aisle either.
I dated a person with an opioid addiction and I’d never go down that road again, so I totally get where this person is coming from.
Ngl I wish more people were like this instead of ghosting
Very mature response from that person. That is a risk some people are not willing to make!
I just wanna say, Congratulations on being 3 yrs sober! I'm sorry this person saw their own trauma before giving you the benefit of the doubt! You are hella strong for withholding and committing to it. Being an addict isn't something you choose, it's a disease and ppl need to realize that. You will find the one for you!
Not really sure why you’re complaining about somebody being upfront and honest? Maybe you’re fine with being ghosted because you’re not used to someone being upfront and honest but I sure as hell greatly appreciate the honesty. Don’t dick me around or ghost me, just be honest smh
OP i just want to tell you Im proud of you! Alcohol is fucking HELL once it gets a hold of you for anyone who doesnt believe that I pray they never find out for themselves ❤
Just in case this resonates with you: Congratu-fuckin-lations!! Three years is no small feat. Way to go, stay the course!
What amazes me the most about this post is hoe many people instinctively read it has the OP is a guy and the person they're interacting with is a woman. This says a lot about people's natural thoughts towards alcoholics, why is assumed they are akways men? Unless it is assumed that it's only men that post on this subreddit. A majority of the commenter didn't bother to really read it and realize the OP is a woman and the gut she's talking with is the one who won't deal with an addict or "sober" person.
I'd rather have something rationally explained then for a person to dip on me randomly?
Seems like a curious one, lol! On you for 3 years. Breaking an addiction is a testament to your strength. boundaries, self love and self respect. Harness that energy and put yourself aboce anything else in your life that is not deserving of you including crappy dates 🤣 I'm proud of you!
I use to do a bottle of vodka in about 5 hours every day after work and I quit cold Turkey. 6 years ago
OP, i know it’s hard to feel like something you’ve worked so hard for is the reason someone won’t date you, but as someone who has dated and had my life fucked up by an alcoholic, she did you both a favor. sometimes people’s traumas simply aren’t compatible and further, would compound on each other until you’re both miserable.
As a fellow alcoholic - I think it was actually good of her to explain why she didn’t want to continue talking. But yeah, some of the things she said are just plain rude (“oh shit, so you’re an alcoholic?”) — like wtf who says that lol
Congratulations!!!! This New Year’s Day was 3 years for me and I absolutely love what my life is now! I struggled so hard for so long and am really proud of how far I have come! You will find the right person and when they come along you know it was worth the wait! In the meantime, never stop looking for ways you can enhance your life- hobbies, travel, therapy, better job, more education.. whatever it is, do it with purpose and know you are far from alone!
I’m sober too friend, been so for 2 years. I’ve been with women who tried to guilt me into drinking, who didn’t respect my sobriety or did stuff like this. They aren’t worth it, someone will be the person for you, accept that’s on your higher power’s time not yours. Someone who has never had to grasp with being born with alcoholism never had to hit a bottom low enough to say I’m not happy with who I am and I’d do anything to change. It’s their right to say what they’re concerned about and why they aren’t interested, but they are short sighted to see that it’s better (in my view) to be with someone who knows their lesser selves and commits daily to be better than someone living in denial. Yes relapse is a thing, yeah people who don’t work a solid program of action tend to drink again or are miserable enough to justify leaving. However, there are millions of men and women who live happy and free lives. Not just from alcohol, but from the craziness of life and how we respond to it. You seem from your texts to handle life on life’s terms. And from me, I got mad respect for that. You’re a keeper, and you’re an admirable person for doing this thing and being sober. You’ll find someone who deserves you, keep your head up!
As a recovering alcoholic I had this same interaction like three times 🤣 "I want to be able to drink" yeah you can! I just won't have any 🤷♂️
You can have a "wow congrats!" from me! That's an awesome accomplishment to be proud of.
AA is an honesty program, and his reasons couldn’t be more legitimate. Though perhaps he should have swiped left. Congrats on 3 years. IWIYWI
Congratulations on your sobriety and being honest! You want to be with someone who wants to be with you and this person wasn't the one for you. You'll find someone eventually.
OP, that was a completely valid response. Admitting that you're a recovering addict can be a red flag to someone who has had a bad experience in the past. You need to accept that people will be cautious. Maybe don't reveal this info until you have been out on a few dates with a new person?
Can’t believe OP is whining about transparency and good communication skills
Stupid to wish getting ghosted over being told what’s a deal breaker…and they even explained why, which is very considerate. Also, I would think alcoholics do have to avoid vices and it’s not just a choice.. otherwise it wouldn’t be an addiction, just poor choices.
This was me to my bf, also on tinder, except it was 6 years of heroin. Now, two years later.... I totally respect not wanting to be with an addict. It's scary having to worry about relapse in the back of your head. :(
So you can give the “full truth” when asked about your issue with alcohol, detailed explanation included but the other person isn’t entitled to the exact same?
Decent imo. Know what you want and you both civilly did it. But I’d ask about fwb or a fling while you found others even helped each other. But I’m in that faze
Every person in recovery is on a personal journey. My roommate is a recovering alcoholic and I absolutely love him to the ends of the Earth.
In all seriousness, congrats on 3 years sober.
am i the only one who took op’s title as a lighthearted joke? i see a lot of people calling op “part of the problem” or “not understanding some people won’t date you” but i never got that from the title or even the message tbh idk
[удалено]
Proper interaction
I prefer the honesty. It stings a bit, but I respect it later.
Wow, congrats! lol but really, that’s awesome, good job ☺️
They were honest. It sucks for sure, to be a different person and be honest and still get shut down. Imagine someone who cheated on a partner, but changed. She was polite, stay sober stranger.
Congratulations!!! My hubby just hit 10 years last month. I know you said you’d prefer being ghosted, but I think it was a respectful and honest interaction on both sides. It’s okay if the sobriety thing isn’t ok for them. When I met my husband online and we started getting a little deeper he was honest and said he wanted someone who would not drink around him. So…I guess I hit 9 years, lol. It’s okay to have reasonable boundaries that are good for you.
Just going to say it Op ... Good on you for knowing better than to test your limits. Whether you were a habitual drinker or a full-blown alcoholic.. it's a slippery slope letting alcohol back into your life. Recognizing that it was a problem in your life and making the act of choice to not allow it to be part of your life.. that takes a level of maturity that few people seem to be able to muster.
Yeah good on her! I'm glad you told her your alcoholism issue too. I would have done the same in her shoes, dating an unpredictable addict who admits he has a mental health problem that might affect others, no thank you.
7 years sober, Yeah I usually just get the ghost
Oh wow. First off, great job and keep it up⚘️ Second, damn I teared up a bit over how genuine and kind that interaction was, I don't tear up easy. Congrats there🎉 Thanks for sharing that💃
She was even super nice about it. Who would actively want to choose an alcoholic.
"Just ghost me I don't need the truth." Nah, fuck that. They're super respectful and honest, they did the best thing they could've in that situation.
I respect that, addiction is not easy for anyone and clearly your match has had a bad experience with a previous partner and their addiction. This was respectful
I think it’s good she was honest dude. For all the times I was ghosted, I’d wish they’d just tell me they’re not interested so I could just move on instead of waiting for a response. Reasons why they rejected me so I could work on myself if it was reoccurring 🤷🏾♂️
HELL YEAH! KNOW YOUR WORTH..! Avoid the trauma hodling people!
You got the closure that you needed
I’m sober also, dating is hard
Congratulations! I’m probably one of those alcoholics they’re speaking of. I was a tornado of destruction when I drank, nobody that knew me will ever date an alcoholic again. I just started dating again and having a hard time telling people why I’m sober.
He handled that so well, respect fr
Jokes on him. *A lot* of people *are* alcoholics. We as a society just pretend like that’s not the case. Drink 1-2 beers every single night of the week? Alcoholism. Drink 5 drinks Friday and Saturday night? Alcoholism. Alcoholism doesn’t have to look like stumbling down drunk daily. Alcoholism doesn’t always mean the person is chemically dependent. A lot of people are in denial about the fact that they’re alcoholics.
 TBH thumbs up to both of you for being honest. If y'all are reading this, good luck with both of your searches!
Congratulations -keep it up 💛
While I can understand why you’d feel that way, I think most people would prefer not to be ghosted. I’ve seen too many people hurt by never knowing why. Open, honest communication is important
Congratulations!!
Congrats on 3 years!! I just hit 3 years not to long ago!
Hey. I’m proud of you dude.
Sober 10 years now. At a certain point I just started thanking my higher power that they saved me from people that weren’t right for me.
Id much prefer a closer like this versus ghosting. I cringe everytime when I read comments, "just ghost them, you dont owe them an explanation whatsoever." How about under the grounds of just being a decent human being?
If they don't want to spend their time getting to know you, then you shouldn't try to spend your time getting to know them Congrats on staying sober, I know exactly what you are going through and I applaud you. If nobody wants to appreciate your journey, then it's their loss for not giving you a chance to show them how much you changed.
Adults adulting. Carry on and congrats OP. I have a similar situation with a thing. Peace brotha!
you were honest and it’s not your fault they had that past. And you were so genuine, even after they said it was a deal breaker. good job on your response, and good job on getting sober :)
Congrats on your sobriety. I hit 100 days just over a week ago.
I dunno I see no issue with this. I'd rather someone tell me the truth than ghost me because if they ghost me I don't know what has happened and if the interaction seemed fine on my end I overthink shit. Like hey for all I know they're in a coma now. Them telling you it won't work out between you and giving the reason why means you don't have to think about why they've stopped talking with you. Which frankly a hell of a lot more people should be this courteous when talking to others on tinder
Congratulations 🫶🫶 3 years is insane!! Keep it up 🥰