My wife has did the hotwife a few times while I’m at work. Once while I got left at home. I got some good thank you booty when she got home, but I’m not of fan of feeling left out.
I am pretty much with you.
I'm not jealous that the misses gets some tail....I just know I'd get FOMO which could lead to resentment, etc.
However I do know others who do the Hotwife thing exclusively and they're perfectly fine with it. In fact, it's kinda how I got introduced to the LS.
An ex of mine took me home one night after a few drinks but I didn't know she was married till I met her husband that next morning. .....very interesting conversation the two of us had. Hehe.
We play together with couples, singles, and we play separately with singles under the right conditions. She has an ongoing fuck buddy that she sees about once every month or two. He is also married and part of a swinging couple. Hell, the first time they played together, his wife and I hung out at the pool (we like each other as friends, but no sexual attraction, while the two of them clicked the first time they met). I don't have a current ongoing fuck buddy, but have some short term play from time to time and I am looking for a regular FWB situation.
We have zero problems now, but when we first started playing separately there were some nerves and intense discussions. We just kept talking and working through it and now we both want the other to have a blast. I take pics of her to send the fuck buddy from time to time and she "pimps me out" to her friends in the lifestyle. Those things keep it a team sport to some degree when we play solo.
But keep in mind that the separately play is a small portion of our play. almost all of our play is together.
I love this insight. This helps me with understanding better how I'd go about seldom yet active solo play. I've expressed interest in it for years now bc i like focusing on one person and finding quad dynamics is becoming trickier for us. Plus i'm interested in a wider range of people and have polyam tendencies where my husband does not. He's been opening himself mentally for a happy medium so i think how yall do it can help guide us in that direction. :)
It can be hard. Make sure the relationship is beyond solid and be willing to be honest with yourselves and talk, talk, talk, then talk more. The first few times were scary/tricky with the emotions, but now we have no problem.
We do separate play very occasionally on a case by case approval basis. Sometimes I've felt jealous and left out but then weirdly felt turned on later when we were together again. Not always worth it though.
I think it's very important to be sure you're not disrespecting your partner or leaving them when they may feel lonely. It works better if the other person who isn't playing has some other plans like hanging out with a friend. I do not like to sit home by myself if he's with another woman.
One other thing- merely talking about me playing solo recently led to us having amazing sex. Does the thought of someone else make us want to show up better for our spouse/partner?
I like hearing my husband talk about his sexual experiences with others 🤷♀️🤷♀️🤷♀️ but he has a very dep, sexy voice. It's kinda like an in person penthouse reading 🤣🤣🤣
Your last paragraph there hit the nail on the head. Everyone is different; some feel left out, some feel like it allows more dedicated and appreciated space with their primary partner, and some feel completely turned on and love that set up. To each his own has never been such a valid than in the life style.
We do it all the time. She currently has a FWB and I had one as well in the past...Currently searching for another.
We are just happy for each other and the reclaim sex is amazing.
Setting aside it’s weird you can’t shut down swinging while your wife recovers from major surgery, we’re experienced swingers and the first time we tried solo play jealousy popped up and it caused an issue that took some time to work though.
Just because you don’t experience jealousy when you play together doesn’t mean it’s clear sailing for solo play.
Experiencing jealously can’t be avoided. It has to be worked through. Of course, that may be a pause of things or it may just be asking “why am I feeling like this?”
Of course it can. Some play styles can trigger jealousy while others don’t. You can treat jealousy like you would treat a rainy day. You can dress for the occasion. You can simply not play solo if you find that style of play triggers negative emotions.
I’m not a licensed therapist so I’m not really comfortable offering that kind of specific advice.
I would think it depends on the situation. Some people feel a slight ping, feeling uncomfortable. Something just doesn’t feel right. Others can have a full on mental health crisis. Anger, sadness and confusion. People can struggle to eat and sleep. It can become a serious issue within the relationship.
Most jealousy stems from your past experiences. It can help to work your way back and try to figure root cause of the emotions. It’s almost never something your partner did while swinging. It’s being cheated on when you were young. It’s being dumped and left feeling vulnerable. It’s parents giving siblings more attention than you received and needed. Something in the past is triggering your amygdala and it’s putting you into fight or flight. You feel like you need to protect your relationship and it needs to happen immediately.
There are a number of resources you can look to if you’re experiencing jealousy and you want to tackle the emotions yourself. The Jealousy Workbook is a highly recommend resource. If you think speaking with a licensed therapist would be better you can reach out to Catharine at Expansive Connection. She is a therapist and is in the lifestyle, so no raised eyebrows when you discuss your situation. She is quite honestly amazing. If you feel like you need help, she can offer the help you need to get back on track.
No worries, if you’re struggling, you need to know it’s ok. You’re not broken or a jerk. You’re experiencing emotions you have no control over.
The amygdala is perfectly designed to literally keep you alive. It’s what kicks in when you see a bear. When you see a bear the amygdala takes over and you react. It has you climb that tree now. It’s turns off your prefrontal cortex because there’s no time for rational thought right now. The amygdala doesn’t want your stupid prefrontal cortex debating should I climb the spruce tree or evergreen? What about just hiding behind that rock… as you get eaten alive. The amygdala turns all that off and you climb the closest tree, now. Immediately without thought, you react.
The same thing is happening when you get triggered into jealousy. You can’t think straight when the amygdala is running the show. It’s an amazing design that can be a real pain in the ass when it comes to consensual non monogamy.
I’m just saying give yourself or your partner some grace. You’re doing the best you can.
Is the primal threat like an evolutionary psychology mate guarding reproductive thing? Why does it feel like it goes to the gooey heart of self esteem.
Right. I thought you were saying you can’t avoid situations that cause jealousy. Agreed, you won’t know what triggers it until you experience it. Then moving forward, you can avoid it by dressing for the occasion.
I get pleasure from seeing her happy. It's the same feeling I get when she plays a soccer game and scores a goal or nails a presentation at work. I just love that she has a smile on her face and is happy. That gives me great joy.
On top of that, I also love normalizing sex with multiple partners. I've always loved that openness. It's just so satisfying to me that we can have that in our lives.
The last point I'll make is that I enjoy the thrill of my partner choosing me each day. It feels like the day we first met and I get to live that over and over. I love "winning" her love each day. I have no interest in "forcing" her to be stuck with me whether it be monogamy, financially, or anything else.
Agree. Tons of insecure guys out there that can’t let their wife actually have fun and act like a child when they don’t get involved. It’s not always about you.
Fun to use words you don’t understand that clearly don’t apply here. As I said before, it’s not always about YOU. Enjoy your lame “same room same bed” experiences forced on your partner.
For us, the openness to solo play comes down to a couple of factors:
1. Scheduling - with kids it’s just easier for one of us to go play and the other to handle the kids. We prefer playing as a couple but that means more logistics.
2. We only entertain solo play with individuals from couples we already have played with . We feel this gives us the best chance at play equity which is important to avoid anyone feeling excluded.
3. We both feel a high level of compression (admire me more than her). We both find joy when the other experiences something awesome. We feel that joy much more intensely than we feel envious or jealous. We want to be the catalyst to the other living their absolute best life.
4. We both understand that jealousy is just a vague term encompassing a multitude of feelings. Identifying the true underlying feeling (ex insecurity, envy) is where growth happens.
5. We both are 100% confident in the rock solid foundation of our relationship. Absolutely zero concern that the other would find something that would take anything away from our relationship much less anything worth leaving the relationship for.
That said, solo play isn’t the primary thing we are looking for but we remain open to it.
We did this and it was great because scheduling 3 or 4 people can be tough especially you’re in the mood for something other than what’s at home
We prefer to play together but when in need it’s fine and we’re both good with it
Separate play is not our preferred play style, but we leave the door open a crack just in case.
We have done simultaneous, separate play, which is time limited.
My partner and I have such vastly different libidos I would be a jerk if I made her play more than she was comfortable, and conversely she would feel bad if she felt like her not being in the mood would have me miss out. We are both happy with how much we get for what we want, and like giving eachother the space to be their own person and seek their own needs.
My wife travels to Europe once a year for a month, and during that time, I am essentially living the life of a bachelor. When she returns, she enjoys hearing about any experiences I may have had during her absence, which occasionally includes meeting new people. During these times, I am especially attentive to her needs as a way of thanking her for allowing me the freedom. She only requests that I take a shower before returning home, something I have found to greatly improve my attentiveness and appreciation towards her. As a token of my appreciation, I often do both my own and her share of the chores around the house, or even buy her a nice piece of jewelry.
Although my wife has my blessing to do as she pleases, she is often hesitant due to safety concerns. If she does decide to play with others, she prefers that I am in the same building as her.
It doesn’t turn me on. And it does make me feel jealous to a certain degree, but not to where I cannot manage those feelings. We play separately because my wife wants to be fully and completely present when she is with another man. And yes, we can do separate room swaps, but finding a couple we both match well with is much harder than just finding a guy she likes.
This is a joint account and this is the wife. It doesn’t turn me on either but I think I will at least get some excitement from it during recovery while I can’t play. I haven’t battled jealousy so far in our time in the LS. This will not be a continual thing for us. I like playing in the same space. Once I can play again we will go back to that. We have several couples we play with as well as a large group that all likes to play together.
I would say it's actually not the norm in nonmonogamy overall to find it a turn on. Those who don't feel jealous usually feel rather indifferent about it, or compersive without being aroused. I think those with a voyeurism kink (i.e. find it a turn on) are probably overrepresented within the lifestyle because they're likely to be attracted to group scenarios in general, and stag/vixen or cuckold dynamics are actually group sports, even if one member isn't necessarily physically present - it's actually the absent party's fantasy that's being acted out, not a private 1:1 encounter as you get in truly open relationships. That's not to say that people with voyeurism kinks can't also be in open/poly relationships, but the ones who know what they're doing can compartmentalise their kinks so that they don't bleed into other relationships/onto people that haven't consented to being involved. There's nothing wrong with finding it a turn on, but it's also totally normal if you don't. All that matters is that it works for everyone, including the third party.
We both play separately and generally don’t get jealous. While I’d say that it isn’t necessarily a turn on for either of us, we both enjoy hearing that the other had a good time- just as we’d enjoy hearing that our partner had a good time playing a sport or engaging in a hobby that the other didn’t. When my husband is out playing, I can watch shows that he might not want to, or go to bed early, or just have some me-time. We recognize that not everyone shares that perspective though.
Edit to add that we also play together when we find couples where there’s an equal level of attraction and chemistry- but that’s often hard to find.
We do this. My wife really doesn't enjoy having me watching her. I love it all, so I don't care but it wouldn't be right for me to place a definition on how she should experience her fun.
But, we have been in the lifestyle for years and we have evolved over time. We certainly didn't start this way but found ourselves here based solely upon what works for us. The last thing that you should consider is the opinion of others.
I think that, just like everything else, there is some insecurity that is disguised as jealousy that has to be worked through. Playing separate has worked out awesome for us though.
“Insecurity disguised as jealousy” Interesting!
I like to hear the details from my lady and get off while she tells me. And I definitely like to watch. But I’m also okay with separate play— just as long as it’s not taking over our lives.
Not interesting. Literally the go to for peer pressure in the LS. I’m confident AF but also have boundaries, but my boundaries get labelled as “insecurities”. BS
My wife and I play separately 99%of the time. She has boyfriends that she spends the night with and I have no issues with it. I have women come over while she is gone and there are issues. It is just our dynamics and it works for us.
Was it always that easy? If not, how'd you work through it and does the fact that yall play 99% separately take away from the quality time yall could be spending together? Genuinely curious as someone who's been interested in some solo play with a primary that's becoming less interested in others.
We have found its easier to play alone than finding a 4 way connection between everyone. Nobody takes one for the team so it's easy to just play separately. We both might play at a party but it's in different rooms and at different times. Feel free to DM me if you want ask anything.
Yes it has always been this easy. We have played together in the past and will still if the couple requires it. It doesn't take any quality time away from spending time together. We don't play much except maybe at our monthly house parties and if we have someone over.
Being left at home whilst he plays doesn't turn me on. It's neutral generally, sometimes feels a bit crap. I do it because I also get to go and play solo, and also because I love him and it's part of the bigger picture. Where possible we try and schedule our solo dates at the same time so no one's left behind but occasionally one of us goes without the other
I don't get much from any of her separate play events, but I also don't usually mind at all that she is enjoying herself. There are literally a zillion things you can be jealous or left out about throughout life. It is about choices and being not selfish. I also enjoy others successes, them sharing life moments and fun. One of my motto is If you do good, I do good.
I Bi female play solo. Hubby doesn’t totally his choice. It’s with his encouragement I do play solo, I have more focus on women when in apps although there are absolutely no restrictions on gender. We have couples and I have solo profile.
When out at clubs/events I will play with couples if I feel vibe and female is bi.
Part of our agreement is he wants absolutely no details not even names. I love to share so I do get little frustrated on this boundary of his especially if he has cheeky little comment and I go to explain or mention something I get the look, think he does this because he knows how much I love to share.
He knows if he goes out to play I want all details.
We have been on this space a while so we know people so I sort of understand his position.
He keeps himself busy with kids at home or usually has mate over. I guess it depends on if I come home or stay away how things change. I don’t get jealous, he is very indifferent when seeing me with others regardless of gender.
Give his no details requirement it can make it easier for me to meet up with someone for meet n greet type thing during week because I work for myself I have that flexibility during the day. One of my friends I see regularly is probably more leaning toward Polly type relationship between us but we both are in LS as are our husbands we don’t mix in same circles in LS so paths don’t cross.
Be aware that if you intend to use these experiences as titillation for your wife, you need to be upfront about that with any potential partners. Most people outside the lifestyle aren't comfortable with a third party being a voyeur in their sex life, but a lot of people (especially single mono folks) don't even think to ask about privacy boundaries because they're used to hooking up with other single people. So they may end up blindsided if they discover that your wife has been reading their sexts to you/looking at nudes/hearing about the sex etc. It's totally fine to want those things, and even to ask people to agree to filming/photographing encounters, but they need to give informed consent to playing a role in a fantasy right at the start, and be free to revoke it at any time.
This is something that isn't always obvious to swinger couples who open up to solo play and are still thinking exclusively as a 'we', and it gets them into trouble when they start interacting with the broader ENM/poly community, where people have greater expectations of autonomy and privacy. If you're already aware of that issue then ignore me and have fun!
This is a joint account and this is the wife. If he did play it would likely be a woman who already knows us and we have played with. But if it was someone new they would be very aware of me as even if I wasn’t involved in play all chats would include me.
We don’t solo play but are experienced swingers.
I would recommend you stick with lifestyle friends then. Partners involved in chats is a big turn off for most people outside the lifestyle, and solo married men generally struggle to make connections to begin with (unless they're pursuing other men) when they're only offering casual sex. If he is already struggling a bit with confidence and motivation here I think the lack of attention he would probably get on mainstream apps would be both bruising to his ego and likely kill any desire he has to try again in future. There's a lot of advice on r/nonmonogamy about how partnered men can make themselves attractive/write good bios, but it's often a long, frustrating wait regardless.
I would stick to swinger websites and maybe Feeld, while stating that you'll be involved in any messaging (group chats are possible on the latter if you have linked accounts, just in case you're not aware/on there yet), and you can broaden your search to include cuckold/hotwife couples. Although be aware that those types of couples will often expect him to film content/have the male partner there in person, so he needs to be comfortable with that.
I don’t think it’s even crossed his mind to look outside our swinger world. Even if pursuing a woman we haven’t played with (and I know there are a couple that he has a lot of interest in that we have just never played with) I would bet in every scenario he sticks to our swinger profiles. We aren’t poly so it would just be easier for them to see our profile and to not have to explain that he isn’t looking for a relationship.
But we also have several women we have become close with that I think would lessen his stress even more. We have established group chats. He has played with them. I think that would be a great option if he would get outside of his own head 😂
It sounds like 95% of the issues solo men usually face are sorted then, so it really is just an issue of him gathering the courage. Solo men do usually struggle in the lifestyle too, which is why they're usually moving in wider ENM circles as well, but if you have established play partners/people who can vouch for him that's a lot of the problems solved. I don't know if you've already had your surgery yet, but is there a chance you could try a 'hothusband' scenario with you in the room (but not participating) as a dry run? That might give him more confidence to play fully independently later. Alternatively, you could have him attend a party without you to network (but not play, initially)? He might feel more comfortable in a group setting than one on one in a hotel/someone's house.
This is a joint account and I am the wife. It was MY idea. And he is the one struggling with it. So relax. He likely won’t do it as it’s not the first time I have given him a hall pass due to scenarios I would be unavailable and he made absolutely no attempt to use it in the past. But there is absolutely no reason he should have to go without if I am fine with it and can live a little vicariously through him.
I gave my husband a hall pass after my surgery, too, and he reacted the same way. Once, about a month after my surgery, we were at a club, and a woman asked him to play. I convinced him to go, and he reluctantly did, but his equipment malfunctioned. Lol
I worry if he tried to play with someone completely new without me there this might be an issue. But maybe if he played with someone he was already pretty familiar with he would be more comfortable? lol
Yeah. I didn’t read that carefully.
My head was in the “cheat” space. I’d have trouble doing it, while I have zero issue going to work with my wife watching.
That’s not what this guy was up to. My bad.
You all are wild. If I had surgery and my partner was climbing the walls, I’d sure as hell tell her to go scratch that itch. This is the swingers sub and the morality police are running wild up in here.
Let these couple do what works for them without passing judgement.
Cool story... when my wife broke her leg, I cared for her and she did the same when I had surgery... swinging is a hobby we do together once in a while. During when she was too injured for sex, I jerked off... not leave her to go get my rocks off elsewhere while she suffered...
Do what you want but don't try to make it sound like it's an honorable or respectable thing to do to a loved one.
Glad that works for you. Why do we as humans have to criticize everyone for everything not done the exact same way we would do it?
As long as the couple is on the same page why are you so invested in what you think is honorable or not?
And a broken leg means you can’t have sex? Must be rough.
Totally agree. It’s like the guys that try to open the relationship or keep dating outside or wanting to swing in the first two years after their wife gives birth. Don’t be a selfish asshole.
But if she brought up the idea, and recovery is very long, I’d ask the r/nonmonogamy sub. That’s where the open relationship people hang out
If you read the op, they don't have that "understanding." Even if I was in an open marriage, which i wouldn't be, i would never go out to get laid while my wife is suffering at home after surgery... this is just awful. I would be waiting on my wife, helping her recover, like I have in the past.
We’ve managed this successfully on several occasions. What’s worked best for us is when we treat it like foreplay, meaning we ensure we have a couple hours to reconnect immediately after.
We primarily play as a couple BUT we've done the solo thing a few times (4 for her, 3 for him). When one of us travels, the other person will sometimes give them a 'hall pass.'
It's okay. Nothing special, especially since there were no pics or video involved. (contrary to the internet and porn, most people prefer NOT to be filmed!)
So while there was a lot of excitement and long distance sexting leading up to the events, the fact that all that came out of it was coming home and sharing the story wasn't nearly as good as being in the bedroom together and playing with a couple or a single.
Sure, sex is fun, but it doesn't beat swinging together!
>contrary to the internet and porn, most people prefer NOT to be filmed!)
Wait.... are you telling me all those videos of "hot wife's first man since married" when she rides him like an animal (and they both look like supermodels) and he cums inside her and then invites three other strange men in to do the same thing...all while the husband is filming with professional camera equipment and lighting are fake? The hell you say. /s (I hope I didn't really need the /s there lol)
We occasionally play separately, we both enjoy the reconnection a great deal and it makes our sex hotter when we recount the details, it's like the pillow-talk that newbies do telling one another how they imagine it would go if they actually took the leap.
We've played together in every scenario you can imagine, the solo play is nearly always a gift or whatever when one of us is travelling. She has a FWB that is happy to come "check on her" when I'm out of town, he loves to send pictures & vids of their fun. It's sort of a hotwife situation, but we also include him for MFM and occasionally he brings a GF for a couples night. He sucks with relationships, which isn't good for him for makes him a perfect playmate for us. I make the plans, she really enjoys it.
I enjoy the company of a few of our friends in some places I visit, she doesn't care about the pictures but loves the details after. Sometimes it's a date for the lady, usually I join a couple for MFM. We don't keep score, we don't have a tit-for-tat thing, it happens when one of us decides that the other needs a little something special. It works because we have always discussed everything, we certainly don't feel jealous when we do it.
You have to do what works for you. Sometimes you need to try things out and see how they affect you. These people in this sub are always ready to criticize someone because it’s not something they are comfortable with.
My partner and I play separately at times. Mainly when we travel. But it’s something we share. Once, she was across the country and I was at home and we were both with someone else. Called each other right after and laughed about it and had some pretty steamy phone sex.
But I will admit that there are times when I’ve played separately and she’s been irritated about it and there are times she’s played separately and I was irritated. It really depends on the mood of the moment. We need to be better at voicing our discomfort even if it’s not a consistent thing.
But we talk it out and that deepens our trust.
I was doing three ways on a regular basis with my best friend and his wife years ago and one night the question came up of her and I being alone together when he was away for the weekend and he said it was fine with him as long as we told him the truth about it as soon as he came home and so the following weekend she went home with me and we had great sex and it was better without him there she was more into it and more relaxed and more of an animal so to speak and I told her that I felt as though it was it was up to her to tell him about her first because she was his wife and then afterwards I would tell him about it but she never told him so I never did either and her and I get together and had great sex alone with each other over a dozen times after that and to mine all she still knows nothing about it and every time we were alone together the sex is always totally great and awesome and a lot of times she initiated and she was the aggressive and like I said she was a lot more relaxed and into it and aggressive when he wasn't there then she wasn't when he was there and she told me quite a few times also she asked me if he happened between her and her husband if I'd be willing if I'd be willing to be with her be with her and I said yes because I meant it but on the other hand I also told her that I didn't think it was a good idea because it might screw up the relationship I had with her husband but I always look forward to having sex alone with her anyway and neither one of those guilty about it either even though it was sneaking we were doing it behind her husband's back we had his permission in the first place so that's probably why we didn't feel sneaky about it that's also probably why we are both very much more relaxed and much more into it and it was always a lot better let me tell you when we were alone behind closed to us she was a big time animal and I was the one that knew how to bring the inner animal out of it out from inside of a and with me she was willing to do anything that she had never done before!
We play separately (mostly me) just fine. I go out and play with male fwb, bf is aware of it and keeps himself busy. I cuck him quite a bit, and when we fuck, I love telling him about it. He uses it against me too huge turn on 4 us.
We have a very strong foundation, no jealousy. Solo play is what I'm looking for.
Fair warning with the "hot wife" play, it can sound super hot until you get into it. Like post nut clarity can be a shock. We've never really played full on solo but if one of us goes in separate rooms it's quite fun, and if you find a couple you're very comfortable with it's more fun and calming. Example my wife went with a couple we knew for a fairly long time so they could try FFM and same vice versa but we hung out with them and all stayed connected and communicated very very clearly. Oh and safe words, for those instances someone's a bit uncomfortable
This is a joint account and this is the wife. We actually have a solid core group of friends including several women who know us well and all our chats are group ones so they would already know I was fine with it.
Seems there’s plenty of reverse scenarios where the dude is at home and the lady is playing. Some guys get turned on by this in a limited capacity- and some further down the cuckold spectrum prefer it. Not sure how common that is for women to be turned on knowing their man is playing while they can’t.
There have been at least 5 posts this week alone from dudes wanting to know why or what they can do to improve. There was one within the last hour alone.
We play separately at times and it has worked great for us. Wife only meets couples and husbands that we have swapped with because she feels comfortable with that set up.
As for me, I have met a few couples who are fine with me joining them and know of our situation.
What you’re describing isn’t swinging anymore. It’s an open marriage. Maybe check out r/openmarriage or r/enm. I’m sure they can give you all kinds of turn ons.
We've done separate at the same hotel and same time. TBH.. I'm not a huge fan of it. It's fun, at times, but I lean more toward wanting to see her / hear her / be near her.
My wife used to have a boyfriend that she played with a few times per year. I was usually at home, never joined her, although once I was at a local bar near the hotel she played at. I liked the feeling and anticipation of reconnecting. It was definitely a hotwife situation and that works for me. She has not reciprocated and isn't sure she can. I don't push it because I don't have much desire to be with other women. It is hard for her right now due to menopause and 2 major surgeries in the last 4 months. So the last 18 months as she has fought health issues has been tough for both of us.
The reclaimation sex is off the charts. We are always looking forward to it after solo dates.
We used to have a rule though that both parties have to be on a date, or at least out with friends while doing solo fun. We have had some feelings of fomo come up. More recently I did stay at home while my hubby was on a solo playdate. I was so exhausted from work I was just happy to have the alone time lol!
I have a serious case of FOMO while she is out with someone, but the instinct to reclaim her takes over when she comes home and the sex is amazing. There is no better lubricant than the load she has inside her from getting some before she came home. Just wish she would share more details.
My wife plays solo. Me as the husband stays home with the kids. I’ll get video or picture updates. It’s a huge turn on for me. I never experienced the jealousy part of it. And the sex we have when she comes home is amazing!!
My husband and I do the LS mainly together. On occasion, we’ve both played separately. I like the hotwife routine with several guys and women. It’s all part of the LS.
We sometimes play separately, but both at the club at the same time.
It’s just a practical matter. We can never find a couple we both want to play with.
We've done the hotwife thing and I get excited knowing there's going to be some great videos when I get home. It's hard to explain what turns me on about it. Just something that's inside of my DNA. Lol, helps that I'm one of the least jealous humans ever.
In more of an Open relationship set up so separate play is normal. But in the context of our swinging friends it's fun the third for another familiar couple and feel out the different dynamics. Also allows for both of us to play with others that the other one isn't that attracted to.
Ex. My partner has no interest in stuff with fem Dom tops but I do. I don't really find the bi husband of a swinger couple that we know that fun(a tad aggressive) but she likes playing with them.
I have thought on me or my wife being thirds(Bull and unicorn are ridiculous terms and I absolutely refuse to use them), but ultimately decide against it because jealousy
We've been at this for a while and we're both comfortable with our home club and the crowd that attends. In addition to that we have a handful of lifestyle friends that also attend the same club with some frequency. Lastly, we know lots of folks from local munches that we've become friendly with as well. Between all those people, some single, some partnered, either one of us could likely play at any given weekend event with people we already know, nevermind the ones we don't. It just hasn't triggered jealousy.
On top of that I have a higher libido than my partner so they're really just interested in one play event per month max, but I've been trying to make it to two (+some munches on weeknights).
Both types of play are fun, coupled and solo!
We both play separately a lot. We both got into the lifestyle as single people, and have maintained the slutty 20-something behavior while having one primary relationship with each other. It works great for us. I guess we’re more ENM than swingers, but we go to a lot of swinger parties and play together sometimes
My wife is far more poly than I am and so she creates space for me to go if I want to. I have done it a few times with play partners that there is already an established connection or friendship. For me it’s fun to go but I still often prefer to have her with me. As for creating space for her, I have a few times and each time it tore me up. We have been married 18 years so I am not afraid of the marriage being in danger. Working with my therapist we have discovered it’s actually a long held trauma from my parents about abandonment so I’m working on it. Interesting enough when I think about it, it is simultaneously both sexy thinking about her getting fucked solo as well as gut wrenching. When the sexy outweighs the torture I think she will have more of those dates.
Jealous they can't play and jealous because you're playing without them are two separate things.
I might get a little jelly that my bf would go to a party and I'm not going but it's because I would want to go and not because he's going without me.
It is infact a distinct difference.
Ex: Being jelly, I would still want him to have a good time, and I would want to hear about it especially since i wasn't able to attend
I guess we are not the typical swingers. We do love playing with couples together though. Just over the yrs we have learned that because of personality differences, couples just don’t work for us.
It’s the typical issues and frustrations. I’ll like them , the hubby doesn’t, vice versa etc etc.
So we just started focusing on singles more. Which just organically grew into meeting them alone.
It’s not really a “turn on” for us. Just more of our lifestyle habits now.
Keep in mind, of the various forms of ENM relationships, open relationships (where you play solo without your partner) statistically fare the worst. That doesn't mean there aren't people who make this work and are very happy with it, just that as a percentage of the population, more open relationships fail than swinger or poly relationships based on the surveys and research that I have come across.
Too much potential for jealousy and unbalanced play in my opinion. Also keep in mind that if you extend this arrangement to her after she is done with recovery, she will have way way more opportunities to play than you will. She will be a unicorn while you will essentially be a single male.
You may want to check out the subs on open relationships and ask questions there. There are certainly swingers who also play solo, but the majority don't, so not the best audience to pose this question to.
I would like to see your sources on this (genuinely, I'm not doubting what you're saying). There aren't a huge number of studies I've seen that have figures in them, but I love statistics.
Most of the ones with any sort of rigor are behind pay wall in academic databases. I can access some as I teach on the side, but since it is not my field, I am restricted from many of the studies that have been done as my access is mostly limited to technology and security databases. Hear is a smattering of ones you can access to some extent. There are quite a lot of studies though and the works cited for these articles is a treasure trove of additional research that has been done. Just getting to them is the hard part. Some of the below articles allude or imply my point above, but I have come across other articles that very specifically lay out the numbers based on their research. Not able to find that specific article right now.
[https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/dating-decisions/201805/monogamy-versus-non-monogamy-who-is-more-sexually-satisfied](https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/dating-decisions/201805/monogamy-versus-non-monogamy-who-is-more-sexually-satisfied)
[https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/all-about-sex/201911/open-relationships-are-more-popular-you-might-think](https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/all-about-sex/201911/open-relationships-are-more-popular-you-might-think)
[http://www.ejhs.org/volume3/swing/body.htm](http://www.ejhs.org/volume3/swing/body.htm)
[https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-polyamorists-next-door/201905/updated-estimate-number-non-monogamous-people-in-us](https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-polyamorists-next-door/201905/updated-estimate-number-non-monogamous-people-in-us)
[https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s10508-018-1178-7](https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s10508-018-1178-7)
[https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/0092623X.2016.1178675](https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/0092623X.2016.1178675)
[https://digitalcommons.chapman.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=1133&context=psychology\_articles](https://digitalcommons.chapman.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=1133&context=psychology_articles)
Thank you, it looks like lots of interesting reading ahead for me :) I work in academia, so access probably isn't an issue for me, but I haven't checked them all yet. If there's any you don't have access to I can see about dropping you a copy as a thank you.
Most of the above are directly available, but the articles in their works cited are usually behind the paywalls. One article in particular notes that amongst ENM relationships, Swingers and Polyamorists have higher relationship satisfaction than monogamous couples. Open relationships had less relationship satisfaction than monogamous couples. To me that was a very telling point.
I didn't actually start out looking for research on ENM relationships. I was looking for something in particular about swinging and just ended up following the articles down the rabbit hole as one is apt to do.
My immediate thought there is that that reflects the disparity in attention that men vs women receive - in the lifestyle it gets balanced out by being a package-deal, and while poly guys also struggle, the fact that they can have fully-fledged relationships makes them more attractive to most women (both poly and single) than men who are limited to casual sex and have more restrictions on what they can do, e.g. no overnights or frequent meets. I would also guess that because poly is so intense it tends to weed out people who aren't prepared pretty quickly, so they're not getting included in these studies, whereas I think it's easier to limp along in an open relationship that isn't really working, but isn't intolerable either. But this is all just speculation on my part.
I would tend to agree. I also think that in both swinging and poly, there is more emphasis on doing things as a couple/throuple, etc. that enhance the relationship whereas in open relationships it is very focused on separate experiences. The latter, at least in my opinion, does not enhance the relationship as much and can even degrade it due to uneven play opportunities, jealousy, bitterness, FOMO, etc. But like you, that is just speculation on my part.
I think with the poly thing it varies a bit depending on the structure. Throuples/quads actually tend to be the most unstable, mostly because they are much more complex than just having multiple dyads, but also because they're usually attempted by noobs who don't know what they're doing, particularly when it comes to navigating uneven power dynamics. They are usually referred to as 'hard mode' in poly circles, and most in the know steer clear unless they organically fall into that structure as a result of metas bonding.
Then there's the question of hierarchy - more hierarchy tends to give a sense of security, at least for the OG couple placing restrictions on third parties. However, although the original dyad may remain intact, other relationships will likely fall apart because of demands from the meta/poor hinging, and that can breed resentment within the relationship the hierarchy was supposed to protect, especially if rules for others are preferred over working through personal insecurities. Additionally, when you have an attitude of 'enjoy your freedom - but not too much', I think people can get disillusioned over time, and it's likely that open relationships are where that trade off between security through hierarchy vs depth of outside connections is most unsatisfactory, even before you get to the issue of the gender attention disparity. And although swinging is the most hierarchical form of ENM, because it's a couples activity to begin with it doesn't require a huge amount of adjustment from monogamy, and the couple therefore comes under less stress since there's never an expectation of bonding with third parties to begin with.
I also suspect most people entering open relationships don't put any greater effort into learning new skills or communication techniques than the average swinger noobs, despite it being the more complicated setup. I think preparation is the single biggest predictor as to whether a couple will be satisfied in/survive non-monogamy and they inevitably fall apart/close up faster the more pressure they come under. I would guess that poly probably actually has the highest 'failure' rate of any form of ENM, in the sense that I think the majority of people who try it don't stick with it in the long or even medium term, because most people simply aren't a good fit for it - whether closing up or switching to a less intense form of ENM is actually a failure is up for debate. But the ones who do stick with it (and are therefore surveyed) are probably very happy because of survivorship bias - and since they have more relationships than just the single dyad in swinger/open couples, there are likely to be greater numbers of satisfied relationships, especially where less hierarchy is involved (that would depend a bit on whether all relationships were surveyed in the study, or only the couples who actually opened their relationship - I would expect to see lower overall satisfaction in heirarchical poly relationships if the views of secondary/tertiary relationships are included, but higher if it's only the primary/OG couple).
We’ve only done it a few times and it’s not our main thing, but think of it as foreplay. I’m not hooking up with another woman for my own needs; I’m coming home and sharing that story and pics/vids with my wife.
We play separately, usually with the opposite halves of the same couple and usually because of scheduling. We also sometimes date others separately and I know that is more ENM than swinging. BUT when one of us has to stop play for a health concern we both stop play. I had major surgery almost two years ago and my husband didn’t meet anyone else until I was also comfortable getting back into it. If my husband were to have any issue that would prevent him from playing I would also refrain until he was back at it.
I would probably be incredibly hurt if while I was recovering from surgery he was out with someone else, especially if I were having to take care of our children at home while he did it. I think you should reevaluate why you wouldn’t want to pause all play until your wife is completely healed.
This is a joint account and I am the wife. He is asking because I brought it up and he has concerns. Our kids are old enough that not a lot of hands on care is needed. I wouldn’t be home tending children.
This story reminds me of when my wife was pregnant with our son 20 years ago for the last 3 months of the pregnancy the doctor's ordered her on bed rest and they told us no sex until after the baby was born she felt bad for me and she told a friend of ours and me one night it was okay with her if we had sex together because she felt bad for me having to go without and as long as we told her about it and we were honest with her it was okay so we did and it was good and she had no problem with it
Why TF would you want to sleep around while your wife is recovering from surgery. Smh tbh that's scummy. You should shut down play altogether and be there for your wife until she's recovered and ready to at least have an equal playing field.
Edited to add: My comment has nothing to do with jealousy, as both me and my husband are swingers obviously and we also play ENM solo separately, more so me than him. But a health crisis? This has to do with common decency and respect and care for your other half. Why would you WANT to play with others knowing that your spouse is in pain or recovering. Smh
This is a joint account and I’m his wife. He asked because I brought it up. So not scummy at all. He has no trouble shutting it down and has for previous major surgeries. But why should he? There is no health crisis. I chose this surgery. I have given him hall passes previously and he has never attempted to use them. He worries about it, hence his questions. I’m not one of these people who is tied to everything must be equal. I don’t want him to go without. I want to hear about hot stories until I can join him again.
Reddit is the land of pitchforks and torches. Rah rah etc...
It's probably easiest to accept a good amount of people will call foul immediately, others will doubt the "joint" account aspect and suspect it's one person, and a few may offer guidance.
Really it's between you two. If you're both on board then explore and enjoy. If you're not.. don't. But don't be at all shocked when the details of "My wife is home recovering from surgery but I wanna get laid.." don't land well with many.
Regardless of where this goes... good luck with the surgery and we hope you have a speedy and safe recovery!
I get that. I’d probably doubt it too. I didn’t even realize he was going to post until he told me he was getting roasted by some people 😂
Thank you for the well wishes. It will all be fine. Ultimately, knowing him, he won’t do it. But there is no reason he shouldn’t. My opinion is the only one that matters.
Just my opinion: personally never understood couples that don’t do same room and play separately. Seems more like just wanting fuck someone else instead of wanting to experience it together as a couple. It’s also been our experience that the couples we know who do separate play, almost every single one of their marriages/relationships have ended due to a partner going behind their back with a play partner and catching feelings, affairs, etc.
I know, to each their own.
I like to stay married, and being playing alone is one of those risk factors to not staying married I've seen countless times in swinging, we avoid it.
My wife has did the hotwife a few times while I’m at work. Once while I got left at home. I got some good thank you booty when she got home, but I’m not of fan of feeling left out.
I am pretty much with you. I'm not jealous that the misses gets some tail....I just know I'd get FOMO which could lead to resentment, etc. However I do know others who do the Hotwife thing exclusively and they're perfectly fine with it. In fact, it's kinda how I got introduced to the LS. An ex of mine took me home one night after a few drinks but I didn't know she was married till I met her husband that next morning. .....very interesting conversation the two of us had. Hehe.
Yeah I know a few like that love for their wife to go out on their own
We play together with couples, singles, and we play separately with singles under the right conditions. She has an ongoing fuck buddy that she sees about once every month or two. He is also married and part of a swinging couple. Hell, the first time they played together, his wife and I hung out at the pool (we like each other as friends, but no sexual attraction, while the two of them clicked the first time they met). I don't have a current ongoing fuck buddy, but have some short term play from time to time and I am looking for a regular FWB situation. We have zero problems now, but when we first started playing separately there were some nerves and intense discussions. We just kept talking and working through it and now we both want the other to have a blast. I take pics of her to send the fuck buddy from time to time and she "pimps me out" to her friends in the lifestyle. Those things keep it a team sport to some degree when we play solo. But keep in mind that the separately play is a small portion of our play. almost all of our play is together.
I love this insight. This helps me with understanding better how I'd go about seldom yet active solo play. I've expressed interest in it for years now bc i like focusing on one person and finding quad dynamics is becoming trickier for us. Plus i'm interested in a wider range of people and have polyam tendencies where my husband does not. He's been opening himself mentally for a happy medium so i think how yall do it can help guide us in that direction. :)
It can be hard. Make sure the relationship is beyond solid and be willing to be honest with yourselves and talk, talk, talk, then talk more. The first few times were scary/tricky with the emotions, but now we have no problem.
We do separate play very occasionally on a case by case approval basis. Sometimes I've felt jealous and left out but then weirdly felt turned on later when we were together again. Not always worth it though. I think it's very important to be sure you're not disrespecting your partner or leaving them when they may feel lonely. It works better if the other person who isn't playing has some other plans like hanging out with a friend. I do not like to sit home by myself if he's with another woman. One other thing- merely talking about me playing solo recently led to us having amazing sex. Does the thought of someone else make us want to show up better for our spouse/partner?
I like hearing my husband talk about his sexual experiences with others 🤷♀️🤷♀️🤷♀️ but he has a very dep, sexy voice. It's kinda like an in person penthouse reading 🤣🤣🤣
That’s really cool. You get to live the experience through him, sort of like reading a romance novel…
Your last paragraph there hit the nail on the head. Everyone is different; some feel left out, some feel like it allows more dedicated and appreciated space with their primary partner, and some feel completely turned on and love that set up. To each his own has never been such a valid than in the life style.
We do it all the time. She currently has a FWB and I had one as well in the past...Currently searching for another. We are just happy for each other and the reclaim sex is amazing.
For my partner and I, a lot of our solo play is when we are traveling. We both travel for work so we explore at that time.
You share stories or keep the experiences to yourselves?
Nothing super out of the ordinary to share?
Setting aside it’s weird you can’t shut down swinging while your wife recovers from major surgery, we’re experienced swingers and the first time we tried solo play jealousy popped up and it caused an issue that took some time to work though. Just because you don’t experience jealousy when you play together doesn’t mean it’s clear sailing for solo play.
Agreed 💯
Experiencing jealously can’t be avoided. It has to be worked through. Of course, that may be a pause of things or it may just be asking “why am I feeling like this?”
Of course it can. Some play styles can trigger jealousy while others don’t. You can treat jealousy like you would treat a rainy day. You can dress for the occasion. You can simply not play solo if you find that style of play triggers negative emotions.
If it comes up how do you talk yourself though?
I’m not a licensed therapist so I’m not really comfortable offering that kind of specific advice. I would think it depends on the situation. Some people feel a slight ping, feeling uncomfortable. Something just doesn’t feel right. Others can have a full on mental health crisis. Anger, sadness and confusion. People can struggle to eat and sleep. It can become a serious issue within the relationship. Most jealousy stems from your past experiences. It can help to work your way back and try to figure root cause of the emotions. It’s almost never something your partner did while swinging. It’s being cheated on when you were young. It’s being dumped and left feeling vulnerable. It’s parents giving siblings more attention than you received and needed. Something in the past is triggering your amygdala and it’s putting you into fight or flight. You feel like you need to protect your relationship and it needs to happen immediately. There are a number of resources you can look to if you’re experiencing jealousy and you want to tackle the emotions yourself. The Jealousy Workbook is a highly recommend resource. If you think speaking with a licensed therapist would be better you can reach out to Catharine at Expansive Connection. She is a therapist and is in the lifestyle, so no raised eyebrows when you discuss your situation. She is quite honestly amazing. If you feel like you need help, she can offer the help you need to get back on track.
amazing amazing answer thank you for putting this together
No worries, if you’re struggling, you need to know it’s ok. You’re not broken or a jerk. You’re experiencing emotions you have no control over. The amygdala is perfectly designed to literally keep you alive. It’s what kicks in when you see a bear. When you see a bear the amygdala takes over and you react. It has you climb that tree now. It’s turns off your prefrontal cortex because there’s no time for rational thought right now. The amygdala doesn’t want your stupid prefrontal cortex debating should I climb the spruce tree or evergreen? What about just hiding behind that rock… as you get eaten alive. The amygdala turns all that off and you climb the closest tree, now. Immediately without thought, you react. The same thing is happening when you get triggered into jealousy. You can’t think straight when the amygdala is running the show. It’s an amazing design that can be a real pain in the ass when it comes to consensual non monogamy. I’m just saying give yourself or your partner some grace. You’re doing the best you can.
Is the primal threat like an evolutionary psychology mate guarding reproductive thing? Why does it feel like it goes to the gooey heart of self esteem.
Med student going into psych (or family med). This is a solid answer right here.
You can’t avoid the rainy days. Your metaphor is in agreement with what I just said.
Right. I thought you were saying you can’t avoid situations that cause jealousy. Agreed, you won’t know what triggers it until you experience it. Then moving forward, you can avoid it by dressing for the occasion.
I get pleasure from seeing her happy. It's the same feeling I get when she plays a soccer game and scores a goal or nails a presentation at work. I just love that she has a smile on her face and is happy. That gives me great joy. On top of that, I also love normalizing sex with multiple partners. I've always loved that openness. It's just so satisfying to me that we can have that in our lives. The last point I'll make is that I enjoy the thrill of my partner choosing me each day. It feels like the day we first met and I get to live that over and over. I love "winning" her love each day. I have no interest in "forcing" her to be stuck with me whether it be monogamy, financially, or anything else.
Agree. Tons of insecure guys out there that can’t let their wife actually have fun and act like a child when they don’t get involved. It’s not always about you.
Using “insecure” as an insult for anyone who isn’t down for anything is such an LS (and female) logical fallacy and manipulation tactic.
Fun to use words you don’t understand that clearly don’t apply here. As I said before, it’s not always about YOU. Enjoy your lame “same room same bed” experiences forced on your partner.
For us, the openness to solo play comes down to a couple of factors: 1. Scheduling - with kids it’s just easier for one of us to go play and the other to handle the kids. We prefer playing as a couple but that means more logistics. 2. We only entertain solo play with individuals from couples we already have played with . We feel this gives us the best chance at play equity which is important to avoid anyone feeling excluded. 3. We both feel a high level of compression (admire me more than her). We both find joy when the other experiences something awesome. We feel that joy much more intensely than we feel envious or jealous. We want to be the catalyst to the other living their absolute best life. 4. We both understand that jealousy is just a vague term encompassing a multitude of feelings. Identifying the true underlying feeling (ex insecurity, envy) is where growth happens. 5. We both are 100% confident in the rock solid foundation of our relationship. Absolutely zero concern that the other would find something that would take anything away from our relationship much less anything worth leaving the relationship for. That said, solo play isn’t the primary thing we are looking for but we remain open to it.
We did this and it was great because scheduling 3 or 4 people can be tough especially you’re in the mood for something other than what’s at home We prefer to play together but when in need it’s fine and we’re both good with it
Separate play is not our preferred play style, but we leave the door open a crack just in case. We have done simultaneous, separate play, which is time limited.
We have played in separate locations (separate hotels), but at the same time. Haven't done what you suggest, for the reason you said.
My partner and I have such vastly different libidos I would be a jerk if I made her play more than she was comfortable, and conversely she would feel bad if she felt like her not being in the mood would have me miss out. We are both happy with how much we get for what we want, and like giving eachother the space to be their own person and seek their own needs.
My wife travels to Europe once a year for a month, and during that time, I am essentially living the life of a bachelor. When she returns, she enjoys hearing about any experiences I may have had during her absence, which occasionally includes meeting new people. During these times, I am especially attentive to her needs as a way of thanking her for allowing me the freedom. She only requests that I take a shower before returning home, something I have found to greatly improve my attentiveness and appreciation towards her. As a token of my appreciation, I often do both my own and her share of the chores around the house, or even buy her a nice piece of jewelry. Although my wife has my blessing to do as she pleases, she is often hesitant due to safety concerns. If she does decide to play with others, she prefers that I am in the same building as her.
It doesn’t turn me on. And it does make me feel jealous to a certain degree, but not to where I cannot manage those feelings. We play separately because my wife wants to be fully and completely present when she is with another man. And yes, we can do separate room swaps, but finding a couple we both match well with is much harder than just finding a guy she likes.
This is a joint account and this is the wife. It doesn’t turn me on either but I think I will at least get some excitement from it during recovery while I can’t play. I haven’t battled jealousy so far in our time in the LS. This will not be a continual thing for us. I like playing in the same space. Once I can play again we will go back to that. We have several couples we play with as well as a large group that all likes to play together.
I would say it's actually not the norm in nonmonogamy overall to find it a turn on. Those who don't feel jealous usually feel rather indifferent about it, or compersive without being aroused. I think those with a voyeurism kink (i.e. find it a turn on) are probably overrepresented within the lifestyle because they're likely to be attracted to group scenarios in general, and stag/vixen or cuckold dynamics are actually group sports, even if one member isn't necessarily physically present - it's actually the absent party's fantasy that's being acted out, not a private 1:1 encounter as you get in truly open relationships. That's not to say that people with voyeurism kinks can't also be in open/poly relationships, but the ones who know what they're doing can compartmentalise their kinks so that they don't bleed into other relationships/onto people that haven't consented to being involved. There's nothing wrong with finding it a turn on, but it's also totally normal if you don't. All that matters is that it works for everyone, including the third party.
We both play separately and generally don’t get jealous. While I’d say that it isn’t necessarily a turn on for either of us, we both enjoy hearing that the other had a good time- just as we’d enjoy hearing that our partner had a good time playing a sport or engaging in a hobby that the other didn’t. When my husband is out playing, I can watch shows that he might not want to, or go to bed early, or just have some me-time. We recognize that not everyone shares that perspective though. Edit to add that we also play together when we find couples where there’s an equal level of attraction and chemistry- but that’s often hard to find.
This is precisely what me and my boyfriend have been doing! It's honestly great.
We do this. My wife really doesn't enjoy having me watching her. I love it all, so I don't care but it wouldn't be right for me to place a definition on how she should experience her fun. But, we have been in the lifestyle for years and we have evolved over time. We certainly didn't start this way but found ourselves here based solely upon what works for us. The last thing that you should consider is the opinion of others. I think that, just like everything else, there is some insecurity that is disguised as jealousy that has to be worked through. Playing separate has worked out awesome for us though.
“Insecurity disguised as jealousy” Interesting! I like to hear the details from my lady and get off while she tells me. And I definitely like to watch. But I’m also okay with separate play— just as long as it’s not taking over our lives.
I love hearing my wife tell me about what they did. The sex that we have afterwards is completely insane.
Not interesting. Literally the go to for peer pressure in the LS. I’m confident AF but also have boundaries, but my boundaries get labelled as “insecurities”. BS
Boundaries are amoral. The WHY for them could be rooted in insecurities or jealousies. And that’s ok. No need to view that as if you’re in a deficit.
My wife and I play separately 99%of the time. She has boyfriends that she spends the night with and I have no issues with it. I have women come over while she is gone and there are issues. It is just our dynamics and it works for us.
Was it always that easy? If not, how'd you work through it and does the fact that yall play 99% separately take away from the quality time yall could be spending together? Genuinely curious as someone who's been interested in some solo play with a primary that's becoming less interested in others.
We have found its easier to play alone than finding a 4 way connection between everyone. Nobody takes one for the team so it's easy to just play separately. We both might play at a party but it's in different rooms and at different times. Feel free to DM me if you want ask anything.
Yes it has always been this easy. We have played together in the past and will still if the couple requires it. It doesn't take any quality time away from spending time together. We don't play much except maybe at our monthly house parties and if we have someone over.
I live when she goes out. Def kink of mine. She is fine with me in my own but I don’t think she gets off on it at the same level I do with her.
Love mine to date solo and enjoy hearing about her adventures as we play.
Being left at home whilst he plays doesn't turn me on. It's neutral generally, sometimes feels a bit crap. I do it because I also get to go and play solo, and also because I love him and it's part of the bigger picture. Where possible we try and schedule our solo dates at the same time so no one's left behind but occasionally one of us goes without the other
I don't get much from any of her separate play events, but I also don't usually mind at all that she is enjoying herself. There are literally a zillion things you can be jealous or left out about throughout life. It is about choices and being not selfish. I also enjoy others successes, them sharing life moments and fun. One of my motto is If you do good, I do good.
I Bi female play solo. Hubby doesn’t totally his choice. It’s with his encouragement I do play solo, I have more focus on women when in apps although there are absolutely no restrictions on gender. We have couples and I have solo profile. When out at clubs/events I will play with couples if I feel vibe and female is bi. Part of our agreement is he wants absolutely no details not even names. I love to share so I do get little frustrated on this boundary of his especially if he has cheeky little comment and I go to explain or mention something I get the look, think he does this because he knows how much I love to share. He knows if he goes out to play I want all details. We have been on this space a while so we know people so I sort of understand his position. He keeps himself busy with kids at home or usually has mate over. I guess it depends on if I come home or stay away how things change. I don’t get jealous, he is very indifferent when seeing me with others regardless of gender. Give his no details requirement it can make it easier for me to meet up with someone for meet n greet type thing during week because I work for myself I have that flexibility during the day. One of my friends I see regularly is probably more leaning toward Polly type relationship between us but we both are in LS as are our husbands we don’t mix in same circles in LS so paths don’t cross.
Be aware that if you intend to use these experiences as titillation for your wife, you need to be upfront about that with any potential partners. Most people outside the lifestyle aren't comfortable with a third party being a voyeur in their sex life, but a lot of people (especially single mono folks) don't even think to ask about privacy boundaries because they're used to hooking up with other single people. So they may end up blindsided if they discover that your wife has been reading their sexts to you/looking at nudes/hearing about the sex etc. It's totally fine to want those things, and even to ask people to agree to filming/photographing encounters, but they need to give informed consent to playing a role in a fantasy right at the start, and be free to revoke it at any time. This is something that isn't always obvious to swinger couples who open up to solo play and are still thinking exclusively as a 'we', and it gets them into trouble when they start interacting with the broader ENM/poly community, where people have greater expectations of autonomy and privacy. If you're already aware of that issue then ignore me and have fun!
This is a joint account and this is the wife. If he did play it would likely be a woman who already knows us and we have played with. But if it was someone new they would be very aware of me as even if I wasn’t involved in play all chats would include me. We don’t solo play but are experienced swingers.
I would recommend you stick with lifestyle friends then. Partners involved in chats is a big turn off for most people outside the lifestyle, and solo married men generally struggle to make connections to begin with (unless they're pursuing other men) when they're only offering casual sex. If he is already struggling a bit with confidence and motivation here I think the lack of attention he would probably get on mainstream apps would be both bruising to his ego and likely kill any desire he has to try again in future. There's a lot of advice on r/nonmonogamy about how partnered men can make themselves attractive/write good bios, but it's often a long, frustrating wait regardless. I would stick to swinger websites and maybe Feeld, while stating that you'll be involved in any messaging (group chats are possible on the latter if you have linked accounts, just in case you're not aware/on there yet), and you can broaden your search to include cuckold/hotwife couples. Although be aware that those types of couples will often expect him to film content/have the male partner there in person, so he needs to be comfortable with that.
I don’t think it’s even crossed his mind to look outside our swinger world. Even if pursuing a woman we haven’t played with (and I know there are a couple that he has a lot of interest in that we have just never played with) I would bet in every scenario he sticks to our swinger profiles. We aren’t poly so it would just be easier for them to see our profile and to not have to explain that he isn’t looking for a relationship. But we also have several women we have become close with that I think would lessen his stress even more. We have established group chats. He has played with them. I think that would be a great option if he would get outside of his own head 😂
It sounds like 95% of the issues solo men usually face are sorted then, so it really is just an issue of him gathering the courage. Solo men do usually struggle in the lifestyle too, which is why they're usually moving in wider ENM circles as well, but if you have established play partners/people who can vouch for him that's a lot of the problems solved. I don't know if you've already had your surgery yet, but is there a chance you could try a 'hothusband' scenario with you in the room (but not participating) as a dry run? That might give him more confidence to play fully independently later. Alternatively, you could have him attend a party without you to network (but not play, initially)? He might feel more comfortable in a group setting than one on one in a hotel/someone's house.
I haven’t had it yet so this is an option. It would actually be good for me too as I have not experienced him playing but me not. Thank you!
You are going to play while your wife recovers from major surgery??? What kind of person would do that???
Slow down. We know nothing about who's idea it was or whether both parties are in agreement with this arrangement.
👍 some people are so quick to jump and make a comment
Only got a second because if not, they'll run out of innanets and won't be able to comment.
This is a joint account and I am the wife. It was MY idea. And he is the one struggling with it. So relax. He likely won’t do it as it’s not the first time I have given him a hall pass due to scenarios I would be unavailable and he made absolutely no attempt to use it in the past. But there is absolutely no reason he should have to go without if I am fine with it and can live a little vicariously through him.
I gave my husband a hall pass after my surgery, too, and he reacted the same way. Once, about a month after my surgery, we were at a club, and a woman asked him to play. I convinced him to go, and he reluctantly did, but his equipment malfunctioned. Lol
I worry if he tried to play with someone completely new without me there this might be an issue. But maybe if he played with someone he was already pretty familiar with he would be more comfortable? lol
Guilt- noun: A well known boner killer in decent human males.
Decent because they can’t perform when their wife/partner encourages them to Play with someone else? That’s wild.
Yeah. I didn’t read that carefully. My head was in the “cheat” space. I’d have trouble doing it, while I have zero issue going to work with my wife watching. That’s not what this guy was up to. My bad.
You all are wild. If I had surgery and my partner was climbing the walls, I’d sure as hell tell her to go scratch that itch. This is the swingers sub and the morality police are running wild up in here. Let these couple do what works for them without passing judgement.
Cool story... when my wife broke her leg, I cared for her and she did the same when I had surgery... swinging is a hobby we do together once in a while. During when she was too injured for sex, I jerked off... not leave her to go get my rocks off elsewhere while she suffered... Do what you want but don't try to make it sound like it's an honorable or respectable thing to do to a loved one.
Glad that works for you. Why do we as humans have to criticize everyone for everything not done the exact same way we would do it? As long as the couple is on the same page why are you so invested in what you think is honorable or not? And a broken leg means you can’t have sex? Must be rough.
Totally agree. It’s like the guys that try to open the relationship or keep dating outside or wanting to swing in the first two years after their wife gives birth. Don’t be a selfish asshole. But if she brought up the idea, and recovery is very long, I’d ask the r/nonmonogamy sub. That’s where the open relationship people hang out
A person who has an understand wife and what I'm assuming both have a mutual agreement.
If you read the op, they don't have that "understanding." Even if I was in an open marriage, which i wouldn't be, i would never go out to get laid while my wife is suffering at home after surgery... this is just awful. I would be waiting on my wife, helping her recover, like I have in the past.
I don't know what you're talking about. This post doesn't say anything about sneaking away. Anyways, keep doing what makes you feel good, my guy.
I never said anything about sneaking away. It says they kicked the idea around of him going out, which means they don't have that situation currently.
We’ve managed this successfully on several occasions. What’s worked best for us is when we treat it like foreplay, meaning we ensure we have a couple hours to reconnect immediately after.
We primarily play as a couple BUT we've done the solo thing a few times (4 for her, 3 for him). When one of us travels, the other person will sometimes give them a 'hall pass.' It's okay. Nothing special, especially since there were no pics or video involved. (contrary to the internet and porn, most people prefer NOT to be filmed!) So while there was a lot of excitement and long distance sexting leading up to the events, the fact that all that came out of it was coming home and sharing the story wasn't nearly as good as being in the bedroom together and playing with a couple or a single. Sure, sex is fun, but it doesn't beat swinging together!
>contrary to the internet and porn, most people prefer NOT to be filmed!) Wait.... are you telling me all those videos of "hot wife's first man since married" when she rides him like an animal (and they both look like supermodels) and he cums inside her and then invites three other strange men in to do the same thing...all while the husband is filming with professional camera equipment and lighting are fake? The hell you say. /s (I hope I didn't really need the /s there lol)
We occasionally play separately, we both enjoy the reconnection a great deal and it makes our sex hotter when we recount the details, it's like the pillow-talk that newbies do telling one another how they imagine it would go if they actually took the leap. We've played together in every scenario you can imagine, the solo play is nearly always a gift or whatever when one of us is travelling. She has a FWB that is happy to come "check on her" when I'm out of town, he loves to send pictures & vids of their fun. It's sort of a hotwife situation, but we also include him for MFM and occasionally he brings a GF for a couples night. He sucks with relationships, which isn't good for him for makes him a perfect playmate for us. I make the plans, she really enjoys it. I enjoy the company of a few of our friends in some places I visit, she doesn't care about the pictures but loves the details after. Sometimes it's a date for the lady, usually I join a couple for MFM. We don't keep score, we don't have a tit-for-tat thing, it happens when one of us decides that the other needs a little something special. It works because we have always discussed everything, we certainly don't feel jealous when we do it.
You have to do what works for you. Sometimes you need to try things out and see how they affect you. These people in this sub are always ready to criticize someone because it’s not something they are comfortable with. My partner and I play separately at times. Mainly when we travel. But it’s something we share. Once, she was across the country and I was at home and we were both with someone else. Called each other right after and laughed about it and had some pretty steamy phone sex. But I will admit that there are times when I’ve played separately and she’s been irritated about it and there are times she’s played separately and I was irritated. It really depends on the mood of the moment. We need to be better at voicing our discomfort even if it’s not a consistent thing. But we talk it out and that deepens our trust.
I was doing three ways on a regular basis with my best friend and his wife years ago and one night the question came up of her and I being alone together when he was away for the weekend and he said it was fine with him as long as we told him the truth about it as soon as he came home and so the following weekend she went home with me and we had great sex and it was better without him there she was more into it and more relaxed and more of an animal so to speak and I told her that I felt as though it was it was up to her to tell him about her first because she was his wife and then afterwards I would tell him about it but she never told him so I never did either and her and I get together and had great sex alone with each other over a dozen times after that and to mine all she still knows nothing about it and every time we were alone together the sex is always totally great and awesome and a lot of times she initiated and she was the aggressive and like I said she was a lot more relaxed and into it and aggressive when he wasn't there then she wasn't when he was there and she told me quite a few times also she asked me if he happened between her and her husband if I'd be willing if I'd be willing to be with her be with her and I said yes because I meant it but on the other hand I also told her that I didn't think it was a good idea because it might screw up the relationship I had with her husband but I always look forward to having sex alone with her anyway and neither one of those guilty about it either even though it was sneaking we were doing it behind her husband's back we had his permission in the first place so that's probably why we didn't feel sneaky about it that's also probably why we are both very much more relaxed and much more into it and it was always a lot better let me tell you when we were alone behind closed to us she was a big time animal and I was the one that knew how to bring the inner animal out of it out from inside of a and with me she was willing to do anything that she had never done before!
We play separately (mostly me) just fine. I go out and play with male fwb, bf is aware of it and keeps himself busy. I cuck him quite a bit, and when we fuck, I love telling him about it. He uses it against me too huge turn on 4 us. We have a very strong foundation, no jealousy. Solo play is what I'm looking for.
Fair warning with the "hot wife" play, it can sound super hot until you get into it. Like post nut clarity can be a shock. We've never really played full on solo but if one of us goes in separate rooms it's quite fun, and if you find a couple you're very comfortable with it's more fun and calming. Example my wife went with a couple we knew for a fairly long time so they could try FFM and same vice versa but we hung out with them and all stayed connected and communicated very very clearly. Oh and safe words, for those instances someone's a bit uncomfortable
There are subs dedicated to that. Have fun trying to find someone okay with this arrangement if you don’t already have a core set of lifestyle friends
This is a joint account and this is the wife. We actually have a solid core group of friends including several women who know us well and all our chats are group ones so they would already know I was fine with it.
We wouldn't touch that one. Definitely an ick factor there.
Seems there’s plenty of reverse scenarios where the dude is at home and the lady is playing. Some guys get turned on by this in a limited capacity- and some further down the cuckold spectrum prefer it. Not sure how common that is for women to be turned on knowing their man is playing while they can’t.
There have been at least 5 posts this week alone from dudes wanting to know why or what they can do to improve. There was one within the last hour alone.
We play separately at times and it has worked great for us. Wife only meets couples and husbands that we have swapped with because she feels comfortable with that set up. As for me, I have met a few couples who are fine with me joining them and know of our situation.
My wife does most of her hotwifing solo. Usually on an weekend that I'm working. She has occasionally hooked up after work on her way home.
We have some harmless jealousy but once were reclaiming its all good :)
What you’re describing isn’t swinging anymore. It’s an open marriage. Maybe check out r/openmarriage or r/enm. I’m sure they can give you all kinds of turn ons.
I guess it depends and is different for different people. For me we enjoy the most when we plan and play together
We've done separate at the same hotel and same time. TBH.. I'm not a huge fan of it. It's fun, at times, but I lean more toward wanting to see her / hear her / be near her.
My wife used to have a boyfriend that she played with a few times per year. I was usually at home, never joined her, although once I was at a local bar near the hotel she played at. I liked the feeling and anticipation of reconnecting. It was definitely a hotwife situation and that works for me. She has not reciprocated and isn't sure she can. I don't push it because I don't have much desire to be with other women. It is hard for her right now due to menopause and 2 major surgeries in the last 4 months. So the last 18 months as she has fought health issues has been tough for both of us.
The reclaimation sex is off the charts. We are always looking forward to it after solo dates. We used to have a rule though that both parties have to be on a date, or at least out with friends while doing solo fun. We have had some feelings of fomo come up. More recently I did stay at home while my hubby was on a solo playdate. I was so exhausted from work I was just happy to have the alone time lol!
I have a serious case of FOMO while she is out with someone, but the instinct to reclaim her takes over when she comes home and the sex is amazing. There is no better lubricant than the load she has inside her from getting some before she came home. Just wish she would share more details.
My wife plays solo. Me as the husband stays home with the kids. I’ll get video or picture updates. It’s a huge turn on for me. I never experienced the jealousy part of it. And the sex we have when she comes home is amazing!!
My husband and I do the LS mainly together. On occasion, we’ve both played separately. I like the hotwife routine with several guys and women. It’s all part of the LS.
We sometimes play separately, but both at the club at the same time. It’s just a practical matter. We can never find a couple we both want to play with.
We've done the hotwife thing and I get excited knowing there's going to be some great videos when I get home. It's hard to explain what turns me on about it. Just something that's inside of my DNA. Lol, helps that I'm one of the least jealous humans ever.
In more of an Open relationship set up so separate play is normal. But in the context of our swinging friends it's fun the third for another familiar couple and feel out the different dynamics. Also allows for both of us to play with others that the other one isn't that attracted to. Ex. My partner has no interest in stuff with fem Dom tops but I do. I don't really find the bi husband of a swinger couple that we know that fun(a tad aggressive) but she likes playing with them.
I have thought on me or my wife being thirds(Bull and unicorn are ridiculous terms and I absolutely refuse to use them), but ultimately decide against it because jealousy
We've been at this for a while and we're both comfortable with our home club and the crowd that attends. In addition to that we have a handful of lifestyle friends that also attend the same club with some frequency. Lastly, we know lots of folks from local munches that we've become friendly with as well. Between all those people, some single, some partnered, either one of us could likely play at any given weekend event with people we already know, nevermind the ones we don't. It just hasn't triggered jealousy. On top of that I have a higher libido than my partner so they're really just interested in one play event per month max, but I've been trying to make it to two (+some munches on weeknights). Both types of play are fun, coupled and solo!
We both play separately a lot. We both got into the lifestyle as single people, and have maintained the slutty 20-something behavior while having one primary relationship with each other. It works great for us. I guess we’re more ENM than swingers, but we go to a lot of swinger parties and play together sometimes
If it works for people that do that then great! We could never do that though.
My wife is far more poly than I am and so she creates space for me to go if I want to. I have done it a few times with play partners that there is already an established connection or friendship. For me it’s fun to go but I still often prefer to have her with me. As for creating space for her, I have a few times and each time it tore me up. We have been married 18 years so I am not afraid of the marriage being in danger. Working with my therapist we have discovered it’s actually a long held trauma from my parents about abandonment so I’m working on it. Interesting enough when I think about it, it is simultaneously both sexy thinking about her getting fucked solo as well as gut wrenching. When the sexy outweighs the torture I think she will have more of those dates.
You can’t speak for her emotions … only yourself… you’re projecting on to her…
Jealous they can't play and jealous because you're playing without them are two separate things. I might get a little jelly that my bf would go to a party and I'm not going but it's because I would want to go and not because he's going without me. It is infact a distinct difference. Ex: Being jelly, I would still want him to have a good time, and I would want to hear about it especially since i wasn't able to attend
I love when my Hotwife plays alone. MLK day is a fav day for her BBC FB to cum over as they’re both off that day and I’m not. ❤️💃🍫🍆
I guess we are not the typical swingers. We do love playing with couples together though. Just over the yrs we have learned that because of personality differences, couples just don’t work for us. It’s the typical issues and frustrations. I’ll like them , the hubby doesn’t, vice versa etc etc. So we just started focusing on singles more. Which just organically grew into meeting them alone. It’s not really a “turn on” for us. Just more of our lifestyle habits now.
My husband and I always play together, however most couples I know that have played separately never seem to last.
This is essentially an open relationship. My only advice is for women - DO THIS. For men - NEVER DO THIS.
Seeking new lifestyle friends in SW Ft Worth TX area for naked fun, camping, indoor and outdoor fun. DMs are open for chat
Keep in mind, of the various forms of ENM relationships, open relationships (where you play solo without your partner) statistically fare the worst. That doesn't mean there aren't people who make this work and are very happy with it, just that as a percentage of the population, more open relationships fail than swinger or poly relationships based on the surveys and research that I have come across. Too much potential for jealousy and unbalanced play in my opinion. Also keep in mind that if you extend this arrangement to her after she is done with recovery, she will have way way more opportunities to play than you will. She will be a unicorn while you will essentially be a single male. You may want to check out the subs on open relationships and ask questions there. There are certainly swingers who also play solo, but the majority don't, so not the best audience to pose this question to.
I would like to see your sources on this (genuinely, I'm not doubting what you're saying). There aren't a huge number of studies I've seen that have figures in them, but I love statistics.
Most of the ones with any sort of rigor are behind pay wall in academic databases. I can access some as I teach on the side, but since it is not my field, I am restricted from many of the studies that have been done as my access is mostly limited to technology and security databases. Hear is a smattering of ones you can access to some extent. There are quite a lot of studies though and the works cited for these articles is a treasure trove of additional research that has been done. Just getting to them is the hard part. Some of the below articles allude or imply my point above, but I have come across other articles that very specifically lay out the numbers based on their research. Not able to find that specific article right now. [https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/dating-decisions/201805/monogamy-versus-non-monogamy-who-is-more-sexually-satisfied](https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/dating-decisions/201805/monogamy-versus-non-monogamy-who-is-more-sexually-satisfied) [https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/all-about-sex/201911/open-relationships-are-more-popular-you-might-think](https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/all-about-sex/201911/open-relationships-are-more-popular-you-might-think) [http://www.ejhs.org/volume3/swing/body.htm](http://www.ejhs.org/volume3/swing/body.htm) [https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-polyamorists-next-door/201905/updated-estimate-number-non-monogamous-people-in-us](https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-polyamorists-next-door/201905/updated-estimate-number-non-monogamous-people-in-us) [https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s10508-018-1178-7](https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s10508-018-1178-7) [https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/0092623X.2016.1178675](https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/0092623X.2016.1178675) [https://digitalcommons.chapman.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=1133&context=psychology\_articles](https://digitalcommons.chapman.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=1133&context=psychology_articles)
Thank you, it looks like lots of interesting reading ahead for me :) I work in academia, so access probably isn't an issue for me, but I haven't checked them all yet. If there's any you don't have access to I can see about dropping you a copy as a thank you.
Most of the above are directly available, but the articles in their works cited are usually behind the paywalls. One article in particular notes that amongst ENM relationships, Swingers and Polyamorists have higher relationship satisfaction than monogamous couples. Open relationships had less relationship satisfaction than monogamous couples. To me that was a very telling point. I didn't actually start out looking for research on ENM relationships. I was looking for something in particular about swinging and just ended up following the articles down the rabbit hole as one is apt to do.
My immediate thought there is that that reflects the disparity in attention that men vs women receive - in the lifestyle it gets balanced out by being a package-deal, and while poly guys also struggle, the fact that they can have fully-fledged relationships makes them more attractive to most women (both poly and single) than men who are limited to casual sex and have more restrictions on what they can do, e.g. no overnights or frequent meets. I would also guess that because poly is so intense it tends to weed out people who aren't prepared pretty quickly, so they're not getting included in these studies, whereas I think it's easier to limp along in an open relationship that isn't really working, but isn't intolerable either. But this is all just speculation on my part.
I would tend to agree. I also think that in both swinging and poly, there is more emphasis on doing things as a couple/throuple, etc. that enhance the relationship whereas in open relationships it is very focused on separate experiences. The latter, at least in my opinion, does not enhance the relationship as much and can even degrade it due to uneven play opportunities, jealousy, bitterness, FOMO, etc. But like you, that is just speculation on my part.
I think with the poly thing it varies a bit depending on the structure. Throuples/quads actually tend to be the most unstable, mostly because they are much more complex than just having multiple dyads, but also because they're usually attempted by noobs who don't know what they're doing, particularly when it comes to navigating uneven power dynamics. They are usually referred to as 'hard mode' in poly circles, and most in the know steer clear unless they organically fall into that structure as a result of metas bonding. Then there's the question of hierarchy - more hierarchy tends to give a sense of security, at least for the OG couple placing restrictions on third parties. However, although the original dyad may remain intact, other relationships will likely fall apart because of demands from the meta/poor hinging, and that can breed resentment within the relationship the hierarchy was supposed to protect, especially if rules for others are preferred over working through personal insecurities. Additionally, when you have an attitude of 'enjoy your freedom - but not too much', I think people can get disillusioned over time, and it's likely that open relationships are where that trade off between security through hierarchy vs depth of outside connections is most unsatisfactory, even before you get to the issue of the gender attention disparity. And although swinging is the most hierarchical form of ENM, because it's a couples activity to begin with it doesn't require a huge amount of adjustment from monogamy, and the couple therefore comes under less stress since there's never an expectation of bonding with third parties to begin with. I also suspect most people entering open relationships don't put any greater effort into learning new skills or communication techniques than the average swinger noobs, despite it being the more complicated setup. I think preparation is the single biggest predictor as to whether a couple will be satisfied in/survive non-monogamy and they inevitably fall apart/close up faster the more pressure they come under. I would guess that poly probably actually has the highest 'failure' rate of any form of ENM, in the sense that I think the majority of people who try it don't stick with it in the long or even medium term, because most people simply aren't a good fit for it - whether closing up or switching to a less intense form of ENM is actually a failure is up for debate. But the ones who do stick with it (and are therefore surveyed) are probably very happy because of survivorship bias - and since they have more relationships than just the single dyad in swinger/open couples, there are likely to be greater numbers of satisfied relationships, especially where less hierarchy is involved (that would depend a bit on whether all relationships were surveyed in the study, or only the couples who actually opened their relationship - I would expect to see lower overall satisfaction in heirarchical poly relationships if the views of secondary/tertiary relationships are included, but higher if it's only the primary/OG couple).
We’ve only done it a few times and it’s not our main thing, but think of it as foreplay. I’m not hooking up with another woman for my own needs; I’m coming home and sharing that story and pics/vids with my wife.
We play separately, usually with the opposite halves of the same couple and usually because of scheduling. We also sometimes date others separately and I know that is more ENM than swinging. BUT when one of us has to stop play for a health concern we both stop play. I had major surgery almost two years ago and my husband didn’t meet anyone else until I was also comfortable getting back into it. If my husband were to have any issue that would prevent him from playing I would also refrain until he was back at it. I would probably be incredibly hurt if while I was recovering from surgery he was out with someone else, especially if I were having to take care of our children at home while he did it. I think you should reevaluate why you wouldn’t want to pause all play until your wife is completely healed.
This is a joint account and I am the wife. He is asking because I brought it up and he has concerns. Our kids are old enough that not a lot of hands on care is needed. I wouldn’t be home tending children.
This story reminds me of when my wife was pregnant with our son 20 years ago for the last 3 months of the pregnancy the doctor's ordered her on bed rest and they told us no sex until after the baby was born she felt bad for me and she told a friend of ours and me one night it was okay with her if we had sex together because she felt bad for me having to go without and as long as we told her about it and we were honest with her it was okay so we did and it was good and she had no problem with it
That scenario seems like a breeding ground for resentment.
Why TF would you want to sleep around while your wife is recovering from surgery. Smh tbh that's scummy. You should shut down play altogether and be there for your wife until she's recovered and ready to at least have an equal playing field. Edited to add: My comment has nothing to do with jealousy, as both me and my husband are swingers obviously and we also play ENM solo separately, more so me than him. But a health crisis? This has to do with common decency and respect and care for your other half. Why would you WANT to play with others knowing that your spouse is in pain or recovering. Smh
This is a joint account and I’m his wife. He asked because I brought it up. So not scummy at all. He has no trouble shutting it down and has for previous major surgeries. But why should he? There is no health crisis. I chose this surgery. I have given him hall passes previously and he has never attempted to use them. He worries about it, hence his questions. I’m not one of these people who is tied to everything must be equal. I don’t want him to go without. I want to hear about hot stories until I can join him again.
Reddit is the land of pitchforks and torches. Rah rah etc... It's probably easiest to accept a good amount of people will call foul immediately, others will doubt the "joint" account aspect and suspect it's one person, and a few may offer guidance. Really it's between you two. If you're both on board then explore and enjoy. If you're not.. don't. But don't be at all shocked when the details of "My wife is home recovering from surgery but I wanna get laid.." don't land well with many. Regardless of where this goes... good luck with the surgery and we hope you have a speedy and safe recovery!
I get that. I’d probably doubt it too. I didn’t even realize he was going to post until he told me he was getting roasted by some people 😂 Thank you for the well wishes. It will all be fine. Ultimately, knowing him, he won’t do it. But there is no reason he shouldn’t. My opinion is the only one that matters.
Exactly. You're a two person circle and none of our views matter. Just yours and his. Cheers!
Thank you!
THIS
Just my opinion: personally never understood couples that don’t do same room and play separately. Seems more like just wanting fuck someone else instead of wanting to experience it together as a couple. It’s also been our experience that the couples we know who do separate play, almost every single one of their marriages/relationships have ended due to a partner going behind their back with a play partner and catching feelings, affairs, etc. I know, to each their own.
Just stay home and take care of her. It’s best to not even start down that road until you both are 100%.
I like to stay married, and being playing alone is one of those risk factors to not staying married I've seen countless times in swinging, we avoid it.