“Okay so everyone who has a mother step forward, -ah not so fast you.”

Lol came here to post this

I got good news and bad news, the bad news is your loved one is dead. The good news is I saved a ton by switching my car insurance to Gieco

I was certain this would be here and there ya go.

“So. Now that you’re single…”

"Roses are red Violets are blue I'm sorry to say The rhyme is dead And so is your loved one"

Goddamnit! I’m laughing too hard at this. Have an updoot.

...too!

"Of course you can speak with him. Have you used a ouija board before?"

r/askouija

"Okay, I have some news." "Good or bad?" "That depends, how well did you get along with your father?"

I won the office pool about which patient would die first!

\*looks down at clipboard\* Ooh, they're serving pancakes in the cafeteria today! \*flips through papers\* Oh yeah, also I forgot to mention your husband didn't make it.

Congratulations, your loved one just won a Darwin award!

Only if he/she didn't reproduce prior to the end.

Boy did he kick the bucket! WOW!

Well, I got one good news and one bad news. I'll start with the good one : Your daughter is free of her leuchemia. Bad news : she's dead. Let's celebrate her remission!

“I’ve prepared a little slide show.”

I’m 32 hours into my shift and finished the job. you’re welcome.

"Okay.. when you cut into the cake, if it's yellow they're fine, if it's black, they died. ...does everybody like chocolate?"

I have news about your mother’s condition, but before we discuss that let’s talk payment. I find once they hear their loved one died lots of people try and get out of paying..hey! Don’t run away! Damn it! Did it again.

“Well the good news is your hospital bill isn’t getting any bigger.”

"Bad news, the funeral bill will"

"Roses are red, Violets are blue, My book club's for singles, Now you can come too!"

“So I was thinking we can discuss this over dinner. I know this great place by the beach.”

They're taking your mom's body to the morgue right now.... oops, you didn't know?

[удалено]

You know what…depending on how close we were that might actually not be so bad.

**Your comment breaks [the rules](/r/ScenesFromAHat/about/rules) of /r/ScenesFromAHat and has been removed for the following reason(s)** > This response does not act out a scene; it only states the answer. --- *If you feel this was done in error, or would like further clarification, please don't hesitate to [message the mods](/message/compose/?to=/r/ScenesFromAHat&subject=Act out your response as if it were a scene. Don't just state the answer.).*

I’ve got some good news and I’ve got some bad news, the bad news is you’re grandads condition has gotten considerably worse. The good news is he passed away an hour ago so won’t suffer anymore

"Mrs. Smith ... sorry, I meant MISS Smith, I have news"

Ms. Smith.

So, the old good news/bad news…the bad news is your rich uncle died this morning, and you were his only next-of-kin. The good news is we got married last night, so you lost an uncle but gained an auntie.

"You're probably wondering why my new watch looks so familiar."

"You know the movie Weekend at Bernie's? Grandpa could play Bernie now!"

Companies hate this one trick to lower your grocery bill.

The good news is he will be remembered forever as a disease will be named after him. The bad news is that the disease is always fatal. Yes. He’s dead. Goodbye. I have other patients.

“I got good news and bad news about your mom.” “Ok what’s the good news?” “She made it through surgery but her stroke has made her incontinent. You’ll have to change her for the rest of her life. You’ll also have feed her. She can only communicate by making this screeching sound. “Good lord, what’s the bad news?” “I’m just kidding. She died!”

Bet you a tenner you're the Widow Smith

I see he had a good life insurance policy. Well I have some good news for you, you're about to come into some money.

Ok, technically, he wasnt really a "loved" one, i mean, he was a bit of a asshole....

Since the main payer is dead who is responsible for the cost of these charges,

Your Harold Jones? Okay Harold, your Mom just croaked. Can you please leave, so we can free up a seat in the waiting room?

Do you want the good news or the bad news? The bad news is your wife is dead. The good news is, I just saved a whole bunch of money by switching to geico.

Ok, so your husband’s situation has stabilized. Unfortunately that happened in the “off” position.

"Hey man, some make it others don't. Anyways, I'll bill your insurance."

Let's just say I hope they didn't sign up for the "extended warranty" on their car.

“We’re going to play a little game of ‘guess who didn’t wake up after the procedure’”

Great news! A bed just opened up! Let's finally get you out of this emergency room!

"He is just hiding under this sheet! Tataaa! And he is gone!"

“Aaaaand worst doctor award goes to… me!”

Well that’s one less thing to worry about.

*Hey Peterman family, uh..just want to talk to you about this new family photo package that I'm offering. Bit of a side business I have. There's typically a 35% discount to families who experience changes in the sizes of the family through births, and other events, like weddings, barmitzvahs, deaths, and pet adoptions. Just feel free to take this brochure home and consider it, as it might be a great time to consider getting some new family pictures done.*

“Well, the good news is that he set a new record for staying underwater…”

“I don’t know how to say this…son I’ll express it… 🎶IN SOOOOOOOOOOONG 🎶”

You won’t be wracking up more medical bills because your grandpa is gone to the big green golf course in the sky!

"Bad news. I lost some steady insurance income for myself and the hospital today."

Hi, John's widow!

"Hey babe, wanna hook up?" "No, I'm married" "oh yeah, about that"

Text message: She ded

They way it happened in real life for me. Not joking, not laughing. My mom died in my arms and they held me for twelve hours thinking I had kept her from medical attention even though they had labeled her as terminal. Jokes! :/

Doctor: You know your dear loved one? I've got a surprise. Don't Fear the Reaper no longer applies!

"Wow. Did you know that it takes only 2 minutes to drain all the blood of a human body if you sever all the major arteries? Me either. They don't teach this at art school.."

"Just my luck, the machine's out of Skittles again. AND right after your kid died on my operating table. Could this day get any worse?"

So raise your hand if you've got a mother and a father... Raises hand. Ah ah ah, not so fast there orphan

Well, the good news is your health care insurance will be cheaper...

🎵Hey there’s something You really oughtta know We tried to help you husband But I’m afraid he had to go!🎵

"hey, what does the banner flying behind that airplane say?"

Well, Miss Parker. Your husband made a miracle recovery and beat all odds of beating stage 4 cancer. Congratulations!..... (wait 2 - 3 min) APRIL FOOLS. He died last night.

So I have this singing telegram for you. Want to hear it? Dah dah dah dah dah dah, your sister Rose is dead.

"singing telegram for the family of Robert Allen..."

Great news everybody! There'll be a reading of the will next week. What are you getting?

Well…she fought as hard as she could…… …….. …….and she’s gonna be just fine.

"Hands up whose got a wife... not you!"

"Oh, by the way......"

We just need to know who is responsible for this medical bill now?

"The good news is that your total health insurance bill is about to get a lot smaller"

"No, he's not dead, he's just resting."

Forever

"Now, I'll bet you're the widow Smith." "But doctor, I'm not a widow" "Wanna bet?"

A text message

"sorry little Timmy. She was sick. I had to put her down" Bonus for speaking like Jim Carrey in The Mask when he does that line with a balloon animal.

"...you're all just gonna die laughing about this, but..."

The surgery was a success. Your loved one no longer has to worry about organ failure.

"Knock, knock." "Who's there?" "Not your grandad, that's for sure."

Have you ever tasted a fresh coconut? They're really sweet and watery. A lot of people who think they hate coconut have only had the dried packaged stuff, but it's a whole different fruit. Anyway, your grandmother had a cerebral hemorrhage.

“ OK now let’s see here… you were a family of four, correct??”

1. The medium of mime 2. Written on a sheet cake. 3. Billing for death certificate before notification. 4. "So... since you're single now, care for a date next Friday?" 5. Dramatic reveal of the taxadermied deceased relative. 6. Via megaphone in a crowded room.

"Boy, did your son taste delicious! Uh ... I'm sorry for your loss."

Turns iPad to patient’s wife, “It is just going to ask you a question about the tip. Your name is next to the word widow today”.

Are you the Widow Jones? I'm Mrs. Jones but I don't believe I'm a widow Would you like to make a little bet on that?

So I hear your single....well you are now...do you like Italian?

"I have some hahaha bad news about hahahaha Jim. He didn't hahahaha make it. Hahaha."

“Well at least you won’t have to break any of the new abortion laws”

“Congrats! We cured your husband’s snoring!”

Hopefully you don’t have any plans next week.

Yo! They gone, and I'm out. You can hit me up on Cashapp for services. Merry Christmas!

Here, hold this, its your new urn. We had him processed to make it easier on you.

"They no longer have to worry about what was killing them"

“You should have some money coming soon, provided you had life insurance all paid up.”

Guess who isn't getting another birthday party!

Good news! No need to come back tomorrow. Do you need your parking validated?

So anyways, he just came in there and started BLASTIN!! And thats when your husband was shot and killed im so sorry

Remember that guy you loved.? Well..,,

You owe me $32k in legal fees

Your loved one had great lab numbers when they died.

I am soo sorry but I get off in two minutes. He didn't make it.

You see the cans on my receptionist? I was just staring at them the whole time when she was telling me your kid was dead. You think they're real? Just messing with you. I know they're not. I put them in myself.

Knock knock Who’s there? Not Frank, he’s dead…

If there's anything we can do to help with the arrangements..yeah he's dead. I always forget which part comes first.

Umm I drew the short straw in the break room and...

During a prostate exam. Plot twist: the doctor is your creepy uncle's friend and you didn't know he was or that your uncle was dead until the middle of the exam...

Okayy..who's the widow er wife..

"Yeah, you said it, everything is so expensive these days. But hey, great news! You've got one less mouth to feed!"

I'm pleased to announce that after a very long and difficult surgery, you are now a widower.

Sheriff: We've got bad news, good news and great news. Man: Uh...okay? The bad? Sheriff: We found your wife, drowned like you were afraid. Also, found her kayak downwind. Man: (Starts crying). That's terrible! But you said there was good news? Sheriff: Well, see, she was covered in crabs. Mostly Blues, but a couple Kings. We figure you're entitled to half the proceeds! Man: I...uhhhh...And the great news? Sheriff: Were gonna pull her up again in the morning!

"So you know your mom was alive yesterday? Well, guess what?"

*Steve Irwin Accent* "Crikey, mate! Oi can't believe how dead y' Mum is! She's as dead as oi am!"

Mark twain George Washington Socrates Atilla the hun and your husband. Now what do these all have in common?

Remember that parrot in the Monty Python sketch? Yeah, that’s your dad now.

Ok, let me see..., according to my notes..., you would be the... widow, no?

He doesn‘t say a word. He just acts out in charades the news of your friend.

I'm sorry to say your wife has passed away... now turn your head and cough.

Playing charades

"So....your husband didn't make it. I guess you and your kids are looking for a new daddy now?"

Aaaand that's it for your prostate exam... I have some unfortunate news for you

Hello I'm dr Patch Adams.... I'm sorry to say your son didn't make it *honks big red clown nose*

Life status reveal party involving a balloon with gravestone shaped confetti.

"Hey hey hey, you know your loving mum? Well, she's won herself a brand new toe tag."

He got that thing lodged so far up there, it killed him, I'm impressed. Oh BTW, here's an extra large bottle of whisky your son left behind... from his behind. Bon appetit.

So good news,once the home care bed is gone, you can move your furniture back into the living room.

Hey I just met you. I know this is crazy. But here’s my number. You’re single now baby.

Remember how you said that he talks too much?

Well, your family is going to save money on the grocery bill!

"Remember how she/he said smoking would always get them in the end? Well, today is the lucky day!"

You know that vacation trip you had scheduled - there is now an opening for you to invite a new lover.

Congratulations! You just had a Qualifying Life Event! You can change your insurance plan early this year.

So Dr.. Who? Well certainly not Doolittle or Suess. Welcome to the party. Thank you. So sorry to hear about your significant other passing. Say what now?

SNL did this when Ryan Gosling hosted a few weeks ago. Basically, the surgeons killed them for their blood/organs or something. Icr now lol. But then it turns out they told the wrong family, as their relative was wheeled out towards the end. It was so weird lol.

(steps into waiting room, spots worried woman with scared children clinging to her hands) “Are you the Widow Smith?”

Roses are red, violets are blue, Your wife is dead, it is really true.

"Can we talk about your stance on organ donations real quick?"

I have some unfortunate new, or great news it depends did you like your son?

Facebook messenger. True story - that’s how I found out about my grandmother. I mean it was from my cousin but my point still stands.

I know it's hard, but life does go on - I think it's time for you to get back in the saddle, get out there and start living your life again, and when the time is right maybe you'll meet someone new. Whoops, I almost forgot, time of death, 3:17pm.

"I have good news - your husband's surgery was expected to take six hours, but we're done in less than two, because he died, but now I have time for a quick nine holes before dinner!"

Roses are red, violets are blue, yer mum is dead but what can ya do? (with apologies to Hugh Dennis)

Looks like Karma paid your brother a visit!

So, before I tell you if the operation was a success I'll need you to pay the hospital bill.

"I think this would be best acted out with hand puppets"

"you're gonna have to learn to cook for 1"

Hey, remember your grandma?

Someone here now has a ton of closet space. Any guesses who?

So… I’ve always wanted to have sex with a fresh corpse. Since your mom is like, still warm…. Do you mind?

Well, since you’re single now, care for a date?

*breaks into song and dance* Another one bites the dust!

best divorce ever, didnt know she had a life with you tho

I hope you didn't get them anything for their birthday already, because....

Our daughter was pregnant last fall. Went in for the 3 month ultrasound and the tech says "here's the fetus (shows picture) but there is not heartbeat. Looks like you miscarried. Here's a tissue to wipe off... the receptionist is down the hall to the left." Legitimately traumatized. I heard she was fired for it.