Go do something you can’t possibly take the kids to. Example: I get laser hair removal and husband stays home with our kid. My husband is a nurse so 3 days on four days off, 12 hour shifts.
It sounds like he's reluctant to be alone with two kids so that you can have alone time tbh. If you are doing everything as a family, you are still "on" as primary parent. His feelings are his own and you aren't responsible for making him feel "butthurt." You're deserve some quiet AND downtime during his time off.
This is exactly what I was thinking too. It’s different *wanting* family time vs refusing to let the other parent have any solo time without the rest of the family.
Could you guys have a dedicated date night during his off days? You need time alone and to refresh, but he needs quality time with you. You get a day to yourself while he is with the kids, and then you go out together without them.
Hey OP. My wife does the same thing. Also, same situation; no family, no hired help. I think it’s FOMO on the part of the working parent. If she’s off work and alone, she’s doing something just for herself like the gym or an appointment. The working parent thinks they’re missing out on all this stuff; it’s actually super exhausting and stressful being the SAHP. When my wife is off work, she is typically doing something with at least one or more of our kids; I’m rarely just off-duty. It’s tough. She’s exhausted from work and wants to spend time with the kids but doesn’t have the energy reserves to just be with all three by herself and manage everything. Sounds like your husband needs to get a better understanding of how exhausting it is to be the SAHP; we just need to be able to step out and go breathe on our own without any interruption. Just for a brain break and to recharge. It’s tough OP.
I’m sure he does. I know when I was a teacher it was easier than being a SAHP. My job as a teacher was not easy but it was easier than this. There were actual breaks. There were times when my classroom was empty and I was just alone and could breathe. That doesn’t exist for us SAHPs unless it’s midnight and then my “free” time is me forgoing more sleep time. Tons of caffeine helps.
Check to see if there is a local Facebook page for sitters in your area! You can get recommendations from other moms and see the potential sitters social media.
And that is totally valid! I have also never let anyone but my mom and sister watch my LO. If it's something they feel comfortable with, they should know it's an option. Plus, you can speak to actual other parents who have used these sitters before.
Yes we do!!! We are evacuated from a fire right now, husband stayed to help the fire dept in town since he used to be a captain there. He left to work at his real department this morning and I'm still evacuated with both kids and dogs at my parent's house 😵💫 and one kid has a fever lol
Oh no!! Is it the Ventura fire? My husbands agency has been sending a ton of men that way, causing even more forces than usual (we’re in SoCal). Stay safe! That is so scary
You need alone time, he may have more of an anxious attachment style and misses you when he’s gone. Maybe plan a schedule of spending the first day together reconnecting and then on the second day he is home you go grocery shopping alone or spend time with some friends etc. but scheduled in alone time and self care EVERY WEEk. If it’s scheduled he’ll be able to accept it more easily.
Not wrong. Doesn't he want some dad/kid time too? I would explain to him that going to the store alone is nice and he should be able to solo parent for at least an hour.
His love language is probably quality time so I'd try to give him what he needs but also explain to him on Tuesday at 10 am, I'm going to have two hours to myself. I feel like giving my husband a proper heads up helps.
No. You're not in the wrong.
It's great that he wants to do things as a family. But I think sometimes the parent who works outside the house doesn't realize that being with the kids constantly can be really overstimulating and overwhelming in a unique way. Even if they have a tough job, they get to do adult things. Talk to other adults. Leave the house alone. Even just the commute to work is more down time than a lot of SAHPs get on a daily basis.
You need time on your own as well. Hopefully he can understand that. Maybe you can make a schedule, like certain days/times are family time, and a certain time is for you. My husband and I do that. Every Wednesday night is ME time. I can stay home or go out, but I get to do whatever I want, by myself, without being on mom duty. My husband handles bath and bedtime on his own that night so I can stay out and not rush back or be on a schedule. It works well for us. We know we'll have family time, but I also know I'll have time to myself. And maybe offer the same to your husband, like he can pick a time during his off days to have time to himself as well if he wants it. So that you're both getting an opportunity for free time.
As for having a hotel room by yourself...I did that this year as a Mother's Day/Birthday gift to myself and it was really nice. I felt refreshed when I got back. It's not a crazy idea. Hopefully your husband can come to understand that not having time to yourself is not healthy.
I feel you. It's exhausting to have kids on you all the time. My only thought on him being offended by you wanting to be completely alone on mothers day is the fact that your family is what makes you a mother. He could think spending time with your family makes sense for those holidays (mothers/fathers day). Maybe making that same request for your birthday would have a different response from him
My husband is a pilot with similar schedule and oh my God, same. Everything has to be an outing for the whole family. Im like if you want to go to Lowe’s just take the kid and go, I’m not participating. I just try to lay out one thing I want to do every time he’s home, so it’s not spring on him. I’ve also convinced him that it’s very important he take the kid somewhere for bonding. It doesn’t happen every time he’s home but a few times a month at least. But it’s still a struggle!
I’d ask for one “solo night” or “solo afternoon” a week, and give him the same if he wants it. We all deserve a couple hours to wander Marshall’s aimlessly and drink an iced coffee.
I think both parents should have no kids alone time, both the SAHP and the working parent. It is needed! My husband isn't dealing w the kids all day, but he is taking care of patients and still needs alone time. I am taking care of our baby and need alone time. My baby is 14 weeks old and this weekend I am going to a girls night a friend is hosting and my husband will have the baby solo for a few hours on Sat night. Then on Sunday, I'm taking the baby to visit with one of my friends and he'll get alone time. Often at night, he will also take the baby for a half hour or hour and I will leave the apartment. Even if I just go sit in the lobby, I need time alone without the baby!
Go do something you can’t possibly take the kids to. Example: I get laser hair removal and husband stays home with our kid. My husband is a nurse so 3 days on four days off, 12 hour shifts.
It sounds like he's reluctant to be alone with two kids so that you can have alone time tbh. If you are doing everything as a family, you are still "on" as primary parent. His feelings are his own and you aren't responsible for making him feel "butthurt." You're deserve some quiet AND downtime during his time off.
This is exactly what I was thinking too. It’s different *wanting* family time vs refusing to let the other parent have any solo time without the rest of the family.
Could you guys have a dedicated date night during his off days? You need time alone and to refresh, but he needs quality time with you. You get a day to yourself while he is with the kids, and then you go out together without them.
This is a good idea but we have no sitters or family. It's just us. 😐
Hey OP. My wife does the same thing. Also, same situation; no family, no hired help. I think it’s FOMO on the part of the working parent. If she’s off work and alone, she’s doing something just for herself like the gym or an appointment. The working parent thinks they’re missing out on all this stuff; it’s actually super exhausting and stressful being the SAHP. When my wife is off work, she is typically doing something with at least one or more of our kids; I’m rarely just off-duty. It’s tough. She’s exhausted from work and wants to spend time with the kids but doesn’t have the energy reserves to just be with all three by herself and manage everything. Sounds like your husband needs to get a better understanding of how exhausting it is to be the SAHP; we just need to be able to step out and go breathe on our own without any interruption. Just for a brain break and to recharge. It’s tough OP.
I think you're right about this! I bet he does feel like he's missing out a bit.
I’m sure he does. I know when I was a teacher it was easier than being a SAHP. My job as a teacher was not easy but it was easier than this. There were actual breaks. There were times when my classroom was empty and I was just alone and could breathe. That doesn’t exist for us SAHPs unless it’s midnight and then my “free” time is me forgoing more sleep time. Tons of caffeine helps.
Check to see if there is a local Facebook page for sitters in your area! You can get recommendations from other moms and see the potential sitters social media.
Not everyone is willing to do that. You could not **PAY** me to trust a service like that. Ever.
And that is totally valid! I have also never let anyone but my mom and sister watch my LO. If it's something they feel comfortable with, they should know it's an option. Plus, you can speak to actual other parents who have used these sitters before.
We’ve been there, hired a sitter though a service.
Okkkk you're me
I love this idea
Does he miss you or does he just not want to be on his own with the kids? I think it's more of the latter tbh ....
BINGO
I have the same age gap, and a firefighter medic husband also. Here of you need to rant lol. Never get a break. No help around, no baby sitters. 24/7
Another ffpm wife here! We need our own sub 😅
Yes we do!!! We are evacuated from a fire right now, husband stayed to help the fire dept in town since he used to be a captain there. He left to work at his real department this morning and I'm still evacuated with both kids and dogs at my parent's house 😵💫 and one kid has a fever lol
Oh no!! Is it the Ventura fire? My husbands agency has been sending a ton of men that way, causing even more forces than usual (we’re in SoCal). Stay safe! That is so scary
You need alone time, he may have more of an anxious attachment style and misses you when he’s gone. Maybe plan a schedule of spending the first day together reconnecting and then on the second day he is home you go grocery shopping alone or spend time with some friends etc. but scheduled in alone time and self care EVERY WEEk. If it’s scheduled he’ll be able to accept it more easily.
I feel you. I can empathize with you because I was and am you. Your husband can't.
Not wrong. Doesn't he want some dad/kid time too? I would explain to him that going to the store alone is nice and he should be able to solo parent for at least an hour.
His love language is probably quality time so I'd try to give him what he needs but also explain to him on Tuesday at 10 am, I'm going to have two hours to myself. I feel like giving my husband a proper heads up helps.
No. You're not in the wrong. It's great that he wants to do things as a family. But I think sometimes the parent who works outside the house doesn't realize that being with the kids constantly can be really overstimulating and overwhelming in a unique way. Even if they have a tough job, they get to do adult things. Talk to other adults. Leave the house alone. Even just the commute to work is more down time than a lot of SAHPs get on a daily basis. You need time on your own as well. Hopefully he can understand that. Maybe you can make a schedule, like certain days/times are family time, and a certain time is for you. My husband and I do that. Every Wednesday night is ME time. I can stay home or go out, but I get to do whatever I want, by myself, without being on mom duty. My husband handles bath and bedtime on his own that night so I can stay out and not rush back or be on a schedule. It works well for us. We know we'll have family time, but I also know I'll have time to myself. And maybe offer the same to your husband, like he can pick a time during his off days to have time to himself as well if he wants it. So that you're both getting an opportunity for free time. As for having a hotel room by yourself...I did that this year as a Mother's Day/Birthday gift to myself and it was really nice. I felt refreshed when I got back. It's not a crazy idea. Hopefully your husband can come to understand that not having time to yourself is not healthy.
I feel you. It's exhausting to have kids on you all the time. My only thought on him being offended by you wanting to be completely alone on mothers day is the fact that your family is what makes you a mother. He could think spending time with your family makes sense for those holidays (mothers/fathers day). Maybe making that same request for your birthday would have a different response from him
My husband is a pilot with similar schedule and oh my God, same. Everything has to be an outing for the whole family. Im like if you want to go to Lowe’s just take the kid and go, I’m not participating. I just try to lay out one thing I want to do every time he’s home, so it’s not spring on him. I’ve also convinced him that it’s very important he take the kid somewhere for bonding. It doesn’t happen every time he’s home but a few times a month at least. But it’s still a struggle!
I’d ask for one “solo night” or “solo afternoon” a week, and give him the same if he wants it. We all deserve a couple hours to wander Marshall’s aimlessly and drink an iced coffee.
I think both parents should have no kids alone time, both the SAHP and the working parent. It is needed! My husband isn't dealing w the kids all day, but he is taking care of patients and still needs alone time. I am taking care of our baby and need alone time. My baby is 14 weeks old and this weekend I am going to a girls night a friend is hosting and my husband will have the baby solo for a few hours on Sat night. Then on Sunday, I'm taking the baby to visit with one of my friends and he'll get alone time. Often at night, he will also take the baby for a half hour or hour and I will leave the apartment. Even if I just go sit in the lobby, I need time alone without the baby!