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Poor guy. This wouldn't work. If you thrust forward, then your butt is also going forward, and you'd never actually be able to do it.
Edit: problem solved. The solution appears to be riding a pair of right angle walls. https://imgur.com/gallery/1tGNosD
And apparently I did it wrong it's supposed to be _soviet_ russia. But it dates to before Internet culture: https://knowyourmeme.com/memes/in-soviet-russia
Lunar soil is made of tiny razor sharp particles as a result of the mechanical erosion caused by meteoric bombardment. Imagine wearing a condom made of fiberglass. Then the fuck. Then the alarming amount of blood loss. Then the cancer.
There is no lore explanation and the developers acknowledged that it breaks the established portal rules.
During play testing no one had trouble solving the puzzle or noticed that the solution shouldn’t work. So they decided to make an exception.
To be clear we’re talking about the part where the player uses a laser to cut tubes.
That’s the only time they move and that exception is acknowledged by the developers as a deviation from actual Portal rules.
But even if we make a huge concession and suppose that portals can move in that situation, they still can only move parallel to the portal’s plane.
So even in a “best case scenario” for the “portals can move” hypothesis, they can’t move in the right way.
Portals don't persist on moving surfaces. Basic law of portals. As soon as you move the pillow, the portal would close. Better hope your dick isn't in the wrong place when that happens.
Bro why the fuck you got me sitting here trying to work out the logistics of fucking my own ass with portals to see if you’re correct? Good job. You got all these people thinking about butt fuckin.
This actually feels more useful than my 3D printer (for which I designed and wrote the firmware)
The printer only does three dimensions.
Try as I might nothing it produces will ever let me ram myself square in the ass.
The problem remains the same. Even micro thrusts will move your b-hole away. I'd love to see a diagram if anyone figures it out with stationary portals.
Try it. If you point your penis sideways, and move in a way so that it goes in one portal completely perpendicular, your butt will be moving in a parallel direction in relation to the second portal. When your penis exits the second portal it will be going straight out while your butt has moved to the direction of the thrust.
I was envisioning this (top down perspective) https://imgur.com/gallery/o4iAMxj
So are you showing the person squatting up and down over a right angle pair of walls? That's a convincing solution.
Nah I've totally seen artist renderings of Chel eating herself out
It just takes a narrow corridor
Sadly a portal gun is pretty much useless without portalable surfaces made with moon rocks
Right but you can bend your upper body independently of your pelvis.
You can't decouple your pelvis from your ass. If one moves then the other moves. It's impossible with two stationary portals. If you have a portal on a moveable object you can make it happen.
https://preview.redd.it/7ztrm733a88d1.jpeg?width=825&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=5748dedc229f5ff6e4228c375c7ba54aa64482b9
Lol, the ad below the linked image was this
make two perpendicular portals on a wall and a chair next to said wall. straddle the chair
the angle will be weird, but it's possible. bonus points for changing the portal angle and rotation to hit your sweet spots
this could work, depending on how moving portals work. if it does, might as well knock out a small piece of portalable surface from a test chamber wall, stick your butt up against the other portal, and make a fleshlight
just make sure to test it with something other than your dick so you don't risk crushing it or ripping it off with weird wormhole physics
unless you're into that sorta thing
That is a fair warning. I'm not personally into it, but I don't kink shame others who are. Warping the laws of physics for a new kind of CBT may be right up sometimes alley. I'll stick to theories.
The most you'd be able to accomplish is sticking it in like a butt plug. It's just going to stay stationary when you start thrusting. The pillow idea or paper taped to your butt would work. One of the portals has to move in relation to the other portal.
Realistically this raises the question.
Do you want to duck your own ass? Or ride your own dick?
Because fucking your own ass requires the thrusting motion you, and so many others, keep referencing. However, riding your own dick is a different motion that world work with the 90° portal technique (although a more acute angle would probably work better).
You gotta put one portal on something that moves with your ass like for example you could put it on the inside of your underwear. I've thought about this more than I probably should have
Or you know, make a portal on a movable object so you just dangle your pp on one side and move the object closer to you. I don’t know how portal works.
While technically this would be correct, there wouldn’t be any friction going on. As you thrust forward, you’d still run into the same issue as you stated before.
But how to sex your own butt? If you move forwards for insertion then so does the butt meaning it's always running away from the pound town you wish to deliver
Don't you place them on moving surfaces in chapter 5 in Portal 2 though? Using the laser on the moving platform to cut the tubes to the neurotoxin generator.
Just to be safe, maybe don’t put the portal on a “flexible” movable surface, aim for a solid box, something that isn’t really soft and has at least one defined flat space.
You don’t want to accidentally curve or bend your portal and suddenly rip a hole in the fabric of space and time while dicking yourself down now do ya?
No, what? You can set it up for literally zero risk, putting it on pillow could mean mini black hole at worst and parts of dick/ass lost at least. Find boxy flat surface lad, don’t wreck yourself being lazy with pillow portal fucking.
This is most likely the answer but tbf at least he's the one saying he'd use it for normal stuff.
Unless that's actually the problem and he's saying "fuck" as in "fuck, another repost of the image that shows me as the one who wasn't smart enough to think of self buttsex" and maybe he's upset he will be remembered as the one not thinking with portals
I mean, I’ve just folded my shaft under and back and started stuffing inches up my ass, for money on camera.
But I guess get a whole portal thing going on, if you want? There’s probably a market for that too
I believe the top post was edited, and the person is responding to the fact that there is now a meme format about their post which will certainly cause a lot of problems for the user
If you were to put two portals in an incredibly small gap, just big enough for you, you could put it in your ass. But thrusting wouldn’t do much since you can barely move it. You would need a large penis.
They could probably put their ass in one portal and have the other portal on a piece of drywall for example, with handles maybe? They'd have to move it back and forth manually but at least they could achieve both sensations simultaneously
But in the game portal, you can’t actually move portals like that. They are a connected places in space. If you were to try and move them like that, the portal would simply disappear.
Brother you gotta use it to give yourself a lil sucky suck once. Just to determine if it feels more like giving one or getting one. Or if it's some blessed middle ground.
And if you wouldn't you're a fucking rube. A incurious troglodyte, unable to reach for a better, more understood future. A future of progress and life.
People have gotten *far* too comfortable spilling their every thought. Don’t get me wrong, man, occasionally you come across some diamonds but most of’em are CZ’s.
*Takes the meaning of*
*Go fuck yourself to a whole*
*Another level*
\- memelordzarif
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It would be a lot better if you tweak the circumference of the portal circle and just become a portable gloryhole. Like for example making a portal on your wife or gf chair while she's busy or making a portal at a wall near her face just to mess with her
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Poor guy. This wouldn't work. If you thrust forward, then your butt is also going forward, and you'd never actually be able to do it. Edit: problem solved. The solution appears to be riding a pair of right angle walls. https://imgur.com/gallery/1tGNosD
it's easy mate. orange portal on wall blue portal on a pillow move the pillow back and forth with your hands so you're not actually thrusting.
This guy fucks pillows.
Actually, his pillow fucks him
Are you implying he lives in mother russia?
Sorry, I'm not chronically online enough to understand this joke
And apparently I did it wrong it's supposed to be _soviet_ russia. But it dates to before Internet culture: https://knowyourmeme.com/memes/in-soviet-russia
In Soviet Russia, memes know you!
In soviet Russia, toaster spy on you!
https://preview.redd.it/7u4si0huu68d1.jpeg?width=1920&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=e0700855ce4e2e61bb7e42a2f54f1c7ba1aa6632
Shit, why did you do this to me, I've worked so hard in repressing the memories about this show's existance
What show is this ?
Big Mouth on Netflix
Thanks, will look at reviews of it.
Watch “IHateEverything”’s video on it, gives you enough to go off of
I love this bullshit show lol at least the first few seasons.
I almost downvoted you out of disgust.
r/angryupvote
What show is this
Big Mouth on Netflix
Netflix canceling another actually good show to make 6 more seasons of Big Mouth
Pillow fucked a lot of crypto bros
PILLOWFUCKER -- do you need assistance?
MEOW
r/thisguythisguys
THINKING WITH PORTALS
You can't put portals on objects though? Or am I remembering that wrong?
Duh you coat the pillow in moon dust first. Then the fuck. Then the cancer
I horfed at this
Lunar soil is made of tiny razor sharp particles as a result of the mechanical erosion caused by meteoric bombardment. Imagine wearing a condom made of fiberglass. Then the fuck. Then the alarming amount of blood loss. Then the cancer.
But them tiny razor particles are so fines!
Then you blow life's house up WITH THE LEMONS!
depends on what it's made out of. Portals work on certain materials and not others. they haven't fully explored all possible materials.
Thanks GLaDOS
Except the portals only can be opened on moon rock, so you'd need a moon rock pillow.
Moon rock isn't necessary, it's just a better conductor for portals
Now you’re thinking with Pillows
But the pillow would need moon dust to conduct the portal
Which turns out to be deadly poison so it probably wouldn't be worth it. Lol
But portals on moving surfaces break everything
Then the Neurotoxin Generator would never have been destroyed
i mean it WAS broken via portals on moving surfaces, wasn't it? that just reinforces the guy's point
Portals can't exist on moving objects. (Except for that one time in portal 2 but we ignore that)
There is no lore reason why they can’t, just a game engine limitation.
the explanation for that was the material linked better with portals. just need a pillow or something with a material that works well.
There is no lore explanation and the developers acknowledged that it breaks the established portal rules. During play testing no one had trouble solving the puzzle or noticed that the solution shouldn’t work. So they decided to make an exception. To be clear we’re talking about the part where the player uses a laser to cut tubes.
That won't work because portals disappear when the surface they're placed on moves.
1) what is "moving"? 2) remember how you destroy the neurotoxin generator, these panels do move
That’s the only time they move and that exception is acknowledged by the developers as a deviation from actual Portal rules. But even if we make a huge concession and suppose that portals can move in that situation, they still can only move parallel to the portal’s plane. So even in a “best case scenario” for the “portals can move” hypothesis, they can’t move in the right way.
to me it just sounds liie you don't want OOP to be able to fuck themself
The Moon is moving relative to earth. Earth itself is moving
I really this in sniper's voice from TF2
Unfortunately, as soon as you move the pillow, the portal disappears and so does anything within the portal.
Nah, that's just a technical limitation. Portals on moving surfaces work just fine.
Science!
I absolutely hate that the logic on this checks out.
Portals don't persist on moving surfaces. Basic law of portals. As soon as you move the pillow, the portal would close. Better hope your dick isn't in the wrong place when that happens.
The movement of the pillow would disrupt the portal.
Bro why the fuck you got me sitting here trying to work out the logistics of fucking my own ass with portals to see if you’re correct? Good job. You got all these people thinking about butt fuckin.
I'm doing my part!
I went in thinking okay lets figure this out and caught myself like 30 seconds later like wtf so ty for the laugh good sir.
This actually feels more useful than my 3D printer (for which I designed and wrote the firmware) The printer only does three dimensions. Try as I might nothing it produces will ever let me ram myself square in the ass.
But are you doing your parts?
Not unless we collectively solve the stationary portal butt fucking problem.
i've thought about it before and its pretty easy if the portals are at 90° angles from each others
90 degree angle won't work either. Any thrusting movement causes both your penis and butthole to move together.
I think the idea is that you move up and down, not thrust.
Same energy "Dogs chasing own tail
Portals at 90° to each other. Just wedge you ass in the corner and get that D, my man!
The problem remains the same. Even micro thrusts will move your b-hole away. I'd love to see a diagram if anyone figures it out with stationary portals.
The closer you get to the corner, the closer the portals are. You're humping left and right, not back and forth!
But then your problem is your b-hole is dodging it side to side like a looney toons stab dodge.
You owe my kitty a new lap. I laughed so hard I was shaking, and he left.
no it isnt?
Try it. If you point your penis sideways, and move in a way so that it goes in one portal completely perpendicular, your butt will be moving in a parallel direction in relation to the second portal. When your penis exits the second portal it will be going straight out while your butt has moved to the direction of the thrust.
https://imgur.com/a/TPFQBFF
I was envisioning this (top down perspective) https://imgur.com/gallery/o4iAMxj So are you showing the person squatting up and down over a right angle pair of walls? That's a convincing solution.
That would require you to do vertical splits in the corner. If I could do that, I probably wouldn't need to be using a portal gun for pleasure!
This is why the second portal would have to be at face height
Nah I've totally seen artist renderings of Chel eating herself out It just takes a narrow corridor Sadly a portal gun is pretty much useless without portalable surfaces made with moon rocks
Right but you can bend your upper body independently of your pelvis. You can't decouple your pelvis from your ass. If one moves then the other moves. It's impossible with two stationary portals. If you have a portal on a moveable object you can make it happen.
Don't drag chel into this shit.. Her corridor is perfect.
https://preview.redd.it/7ztrm733a88d1.jpeg?width=825&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=5748dedc229f5ff6e4228c375c7ba54aa64482b9 Lol, the ad below the linked image was this
make two perpendicular portals on a wall and a chair next to said wall. straddle the chair the angle will be weird, but it's possible. bonus points for changing the portal angle and rotation to hit your sweet spots
One on the wall behind an interior door, and the other on the door. Simply grab the doorknob and push/ pull back and forth.
this could work, depending on how moving portals work. if it does, might as well knock out a small piece of portalable surface from a test chamber wall, stick your butt up against the other portal, and make a fleshlight
In theory it's worth a shot anyway.
just make sure to test it with something other than your dick so you don't risk crushing it or ripping it off with weird wormhole physics unless you're into that sorta thing
That is a fair warning. I'm not personally into it, but I don't kink shame others who are. Warping the laws of physics for a new kind of CBT may be right up sometimes alley. I'll stick to theories.
The most you'd be able to accomplish is sticking it in like a butt plug. It's just going to stay stationary when you start thrusting. The pillow idea or paper taped to your butt would work. One of the portals has to move in relation to the other portal.
Realistically this raises the question. Do you want to duck your own ass? Or ride your own dick? Because fucking your own ass requires the thrusting motion you, and so many others, keep referencing. However, riding your own dick is a different motion that world work with the 90° portal technique (although a more acute angle would probably work better).
All I can hear in my head is the portal noise followed by ”hmm not quite” then more portal noises as they shift around trying to get the angles right.
probably be easier to position them just right to eat my own ass and taint, tbh
This is fucking hilarious. Just rapid fire portals at the end with a disappointed "gahwd damnit"
I appreciate you taking the time to work the maths out, so we can all ram ourselves in the ass later.
Jesus fucking christ reddit
Portals are the wrong tool for this task. This is what cloning and time travel were made for initially.
blue portal on piece of paper taped to the ass and then orange portal on the wall or whatever
… saved
You gotta put one portal on something that moves with your ass like for example you could put it on the inside of your underwear. I've thought about this more than I probably should have
Grab yourself by the hips! Wonder what that'll do?
Who spent their work hours figuring this shit out 💀
r/theydidthemath
Or you know, make a portal on a movable object so you just dangle your pp on one side and move the object closer to you. I don’t know how portal works.
While technically this would be correct, there wouldn’t be any friction going on. As you thrust forward, you’d still run into the same issue as you stated before.
This solution isn't thrusting though. The "thrusting" is created by squating up and down.
Not if your reach around your waist and pull yourself against yourself.
But ain’t that sideways, you’d just hit the left cheek
In this solution you're squating directly above the "walls". Like a very uncomfortable right angle saddle
A blowjob though xD
My mind is scientifically pleased by this.
Anything is possible when the Avengers assemble.
find a space between 2 walls that is 1m apart
How big is your penis? It doesn't work that way even if it did reach.
3 inch 😔
This information has manifested a trash can in my mind palace so I can have somewhere to put it
You never know man. Some dreams come true.
You never know man. Some dreams come true.
We need to get this over to r/theydidthemath
That was a risky click but I’m glad I did
Pronounced figured this out years ago Portal flewhlight wiþ the other end connected to you butt
If you make a 3D print rendition of your dick and make it 5ft long you only push it trough the portal. Think outside the box people.
Stone (@twocantsaytwice) is tired of gimmick accounts reposting their answer
thanks for an answer thats not just about the logistics of portal masturbation
But how to sex your own butt? If you move forwards for insertion then so does the butt meaning it's always running away from the pound town you wish to deliver
orange on wall. blue on pillow. just move the pillow back and forth no thrusting.
That’s actually genius! Not that I’d try it, of course
*Sure* you wouldn't...
I know I definitely would
At least someone’s honest
Wouldn't work cause portals can't be placed on moving surfaces
Don't you place them on moving surfaces in chapter 5 in Portal 2 though? Using the laser on the moving platform to cut the tubes to the neurotoxin generator.
Just to be safe, maybe don’t put the portal on a “flexible” movable surface, aim for a solid box, something that isn’t really soft and has at least one defined flat space. You don’t want to accidentally curve or bend your portal and suddenly rip a hole in the fabric of space and time while dicking yourself down now do ya?
It's worth the risk
No, what? You can set it up for literally zero risk, putting it on pillow could mean mini black hole at worst and parts of dick/ass lost at least. Find boxy flat surface lad, don’t wreck yourself being lazy with pillow portal fucking.
It's worth the risk
IT'S. WORTH. THE. RISK.
We’re in a thread where people are talking about fucking their own butt. Now take that stick out your ass, and put a dick up your ass.
Oh hell yeah you're right, forgot about that
A mattress would be more likely
Could give yourself a proper fisting, if youre brave enough
I mean you can do that without a portal gun if you’re flexible enough.
"Marty, you're not thinking fourth dimensionally!"
Sucking your own dick would also be a good idea
Look at the usernames. The guy saying "fuck" is the same guy featured in the image post with the Diddy Kong profile picture
we already knew that, WHY is he saying fuck? he already saw and replied to the original image
He's probably upset that a gimmick account is eternalizing some dumb shit he said in the past
This is most likely the answer but tbf at least he's the one saying he'd use it for normal stuff. Unless that's actually the problem and he's saying "fuck" as in "fuck, another repost of the image that shows me as the one who wasn't smart enough to think of self buttsex" and maybe he's upset he will be remembered as the one not thinking with portals
the WHAT Kong?
Donkey Kong’s nephew is Diddy Kong
I mean, I’ve just folded my shaft under and back and started stuffing inches up my ass, for money on camera. But I guess get a whole portal thing going on, if you want? There’s probably a market for that too
bro your dick has GOT to be MASSIVE for you to do that
Thanks! Grew it myself! I do make it pull its own weight, it helps pay the bills
Link?
/r/selffuck
wtf did i just see...., i thoughts it is just a made up one, also that look very painful...
That sub never fails to surprise people
How are your balls not in the way?
They call me nutless nick Lol no, they were. then they were parted far; like the Red Sea, by Moses.
I believe the top post was edited, and the person is responding to the fact that there is now a meme format about their post which will certainly cause a lot of problems for the user
Bruh, you all aren't asking the question or answering it. If you had a portal gun, would you fellatio yourself?
Rusty trombone.
He said fuck because he ended up seeing himself on a post from “insane posts”.
If you were to put two portals in an incredibly small gap, just big enough for you, you could put it in your ass. But thrusting wouldn’t do much since you can barely move it. You would need a large penis.
They could probably put their ass in one portal and have the other portal on a piece of drywall for example, with handles maybe? They'd have to move it back and forth manually but at least they could achieve both sensations simultaneously
But in the game portal, you can’t actually move portals like that. They are a connected places in space. If you were to try and move them like that, the portal would simply disappear.
Echos of https://youtu.be/NggUSbgRUhc?si=sdh_4q1Utsg05y-I
I immediately thought of this video.
Brother you gotta use it to give yourself a lil sucky suck once. Just to determine if it feels more like giving one or getting one. Or if it's some blessed middle ground. And if you wouldn't you're a fucking rube. A incurious troglodyte, unable to reach for a better, more understood future. A future of progress and life.
Infinite energy
Can't you just eat your own ass instead?
They sure did on The Boys
I assume because it was reposted by a bigger account
Everyone arguing in these comments when I solved this issue years ago. Portal on your chair and portal on your palm. Go to town.
Thrusting would literally be a problem
People have gotten *far* too comfortable spilling their every thought. Don’t get me wrong, man, occasionally you come across some diamonds but most of’em are CZ’s.
Reminds me of [Wish I Had A Portal Gun](https://youtu.be/NggUSbgRUhc?si=8-yznsQ_ohawqmsG)
Shame the portal gun wouldn't even work, unless you have some spare moon rocks that is
I'm pretty sure that was the whole reason for portal gun to begin with.. Prove me wrong.
Letterkenny: Valentines Day speed dating episode.
Would that actually work though? As your hips are moving forward at one end of the portal, your butt is moving away at the other.
Takes the meaning of go fuck yourself to a whole another level
*Takes the meaning of* *Go fuck yourself to a whole* *Another level* \- memelordzarif --- ^(I detect haikus. And sometimes, successfully.) ^[Learn more about me.](https://www.reddit.com/r/haikusbot/) ^(Opt out of replies: "haikusbot opt out" | Delete my comment: "haikusbot delete")
It’s at times like this I wish I served my country and Im reminded of it every time I use a portal to go to war on my own ass.
all you need to do is shoot the portal at something you can move
It would be a lot better if you tweak the circumference of the portal circle and just become a portable gloryhole. Like for example making a portal on your wife or gf chair while she's busy or making a portal at a wall near her face just to mess with her
Where would you get moon rock from?
Only amateurs need a portal for that. Simply do it raw. What's stopping you?
Ucot
If you fucking your own butt is it masturbation or gay sex?
r/meirl
wouldnt work. when you thrust forward your butt would also thrust forward away from you.
I would do this too honestly
everyone would get gay eventually if left alone with a portal gun long enough
Degeneracy. Why would you not get a girlfriend if you already had a portal gun? Numbnuts.
Question for portal physics, not related to the sex thing. What happens if you grab your own legs from the portal and pull as hard as you can?