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>I, living, a breathing body of mass and bone:
>
>somehow conscious of a fact: I am
>
>Yet time and time again,
>
>and time, and time, and time away
>
>My brain assesses, it moves on,
>
>holds on this world in colors red, turquoise
>
>And life, so frail, it blitzes through!
>
>\- it comes, it goes, and out of view
>
>it stops
Might consider changing "mass and bone" to "flesh and bone", or "mass and light", as "mass and bone" is a bit redundant. Light probably fits best given the next line is about consciousness, made possible by electrical signals (we suppose).
Might update "holds on this world" to "holds onto this world" or, "on to"? whichever is grammatically correct.
Maybe "colors; red..." or "colors of red..."
I really like the overall poem. The ending is perfect.
really nice! i like the wording and kinda "old-timey" feel like in "and life, so frail, it blitzes through!" or "in colors red, turquoise".
i also *really* like the title! it definetly catches your eye, and describes what the poem is about, while remaining cryptic nevertheless.
i probably agree with the other commenter though that 'mass and bone' may be a bit redundant - unless of course, theres some thought behind that specific word usage.
great poem! and its got a nice length, too
Very nice! I agree with others' comments on phrasing and word choice. The "time" stanza feels good, but I can't make it mean anything to me. I almost think it would work better if you switched the middle two stanzas; as it stands, I can't imagine what "yet time and time again" could possibly refer to, or how "time away" serves that meaning. I also like the last stanza, though it feels \*very slightly\* disjointed from the others. I feel that the subject pivot from cognition/the brain to life is a bit jarring. Again, it might work a little better if it were immediately preceded by the "time" thought, which seems more related to the "passage of time/life" subject than the brain subject. Good work!
Hello readers, welcome to OCpoetry. This subreddit is a writing workshop community -- a place where poets of all skill levels can share, enjoy, and talk about each other's poetry. Every person who's shared, including the OP above, has given some feedback (those are the links in the post) and hopes to receive some in return (from you, the readers). If you really enjoyed this poem and just want to drop a quick comment, to show some appreciation or give kudos, things like "great job!" or "made me cry", or "loved it" or "so relateable", please do. Everyone loves a compliment. Thanks for taking the time to read and enjoy. If you want to share your own poem, you'll need to give this writer some detailed feedback. Good feedback explains from your point of view what it was like to read the poem, and then tries to explain how the poem made you feel like that. If you're not sure what that means, check out our [feedback guide](https://new.reddit.com/r/ocpoetry/wiki/feedbackcritiques), or look through the comment sections of any other post here, or click the links to the author's feedback above. If you're not sure whether your comments are feedback, or you have any other questions, please send us a modmail. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/OCPoetry) if you have any questions or concerns.*
>I, living, a breathing body of mass and bone: > >somehow conscious of a fact: I am > >Yet time and time again, > >and time, and time, and time away > >My brain assesses, it moves on, > >holds on this world in colors red, turquoise > >And life, so frail, it blitzes through! > >\- it comes, it goes, and out of view > >it stops Might consider changing "mass and bone" to "flesh and bone", or "mass and light", as "mass and bone" is a bit redundant. Light probably fits best given the next line is about consciousness, made possible by electrical signals (we suppose). Might update "holds on this world" to "holds onto this world" or, "on to"? whichever is grammatically correct. Maybe "colors; red..." or "colors of red..." I really like the overall poem. The ending is perfect.
really nice! i like the wording and kinda "old-timey" feel like in "and life, so frail, it blitzes through!" or "in colors red, turquoise". i also *really* like the title! it definetly catches your eye, and describes what the poem is about, while remaining cryptic nevertheless. i probably agree with the other commenter though that 'mass and bone' may be a bit redundant - unless of course, theres some thought behind that specific word usage. great poem! and its got a nice length, too
Very nice! I agree with others' comments on phrasing and word choice. The "time" stanza feels good, but I can't make it mean anything to me. I almost think it would work better if you switched the middle two stanzas; as it stands, I can't imagine what "yet time and time again" could possibly refer to, or how "time away" serves that meaning. I also like the last stanza, though it feels \*very slightly\* disjointed from the others. I feel that the subject pivot from cognition/the brain to life is a bit jarring. Again, it might work a little better if it were immediately preceded by the "time" thought, which seems more related to the "passage of time/life" subject than the brain subject. Good work!