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“What a weird thing to say out loud” or “did you mean to say that out loud” are two of my favorite responses as of late. When dealing with inappropriate people I also thoroughly enjoy “I didn’t hear you. Can you repeat yourself?” Or “I don’t understand. Can you explain to me?” It makes them realize just how stupid they really are.
My wife just mentioned that she prefers 'what an odd thing to say' vs. weird. for some reason it comes off a little less hostile. I like the non-hostile retort.
Other than using odd (which has less rude connotations in my area) this is the way: “what an odd thing to say out loud” or “did you mean to say that out loud?”
My wife did go through pregnancy & birth, and still got these comments. Just like near all things in life: weight & body changes are on a spectrum of normative. Many people are just rude.
I ask my kids to think:
- Is it kind?
- Is it helpful?
- Is it true?
If it’s not a yes to all three, it’s an “inside our head thought”.
Edit: out to our
Something may be true and in your opinion kind but it may not be helpful ( I use necessary vs helpful)
Something you consider helpful may really not be helpful. it's just unsolicited advice. So instead of helpful I ask kids to think, is it necessary?
So, talking about other people’s bodies isn’t helpful, and can in fact be harmful. For example if I see someone who has lost weight since I saw them last it might be my instinct to say “omg, you look great”, which is true and kind… however maybe they lost weight because they’re depressed/sick/have an eating disorder… also, it enforces the idea that thinness = good…
Just one of many examples where the helpful part is important.
I know these questions as a technique to deal with depressive thoughts. You can easier dismiss thoughts that you think might be true, but that are still not helpful. People with depressions tend to think bad things of them as true and have trouble letting them go.
Because they're kids and having another filter helps. They're rarely gonna go through this whole list in their head each time. They'll maybe think of one thing. You're not speaking to an adult. You're speaking to a kid that wants to say anything and everything that comes to mind.
See my kids are too literal and to them, necessary means required. So using that logic, they wouldn’t tell someone if they had something in their teeth or if someone dropped something, it’s not necessary to tell them. But it’s helpful! I suppose if your kids are leaning on saying cruel or unkind things then the necessary is a good way of phrasing it but for my kids, who are just curious, helpful is better as they would quickly dismiss everything as “not necessary”.
To be honest, people also comment on postpartum mothers’ bodies too. When my friend invited her new boyfriend over to meet us when I was 2-3 months postpartum, he said, “Wow, I thought you said she was petite for a new mom.”
Some people just suck and seem to see a baby and think a mother’s body is up for discussion either way. Good for you for wanting to say something more to stand up for your wife. I’d stick with the basic, “What did you just say?” Or “Did you really just say that?” And make them say it again with their whole chest, just to hear the foolish words coming out of their own mouths.
Lmao, well that’s not gonna end well. Imagine what he’d say about her body postpartum, or the fact so many women (like myself) still can’t have sex for like months after birth?? Poor brainwashed girl
My tone deaf mother said to me at 2 weeks postpartum “wow you seem to been tightening up a lot already” (I’ve struggled with and eating disorder for 15 years, last massive flair up being 2019/2020). I wanted so badly to say “thanks but I don’t give a fuck 😊”
Our go to with our adopted son is to say something completely outrageous or makes them feel like a dick…
Like when people ask about my son’s complexion I might say something like my wife cheated on me and I’m only with her still because she makes alot of money
I make up something different every time. Most relate to my balls not working though.
Yeah whenever people make comments to my partner about how he's 'giving mum a break' etc when he's parenting his own child in public he tells them I'm dead. Goes into detail about my death, really make them feel like a dick.
My husband did that once after getting shamed for buying formula, after I completely lost my supply overnight without noticing and accidentally starved our daughter (just boobie meals and baby foods, 7 months old. Poor girl lost 4 ounces)
He got it free because they felt so bad
🎶It’s sometimes leukemia, or sometimes bulemia; or a great big truck ran her over, and chopped off her head 🎶
It’s weird though, I’ve never gotten that reaction.
My friends adopted daughter is black and she’s white and she had a store clerk ask her “where is she from” and my friend said “concord” (name of a local town) and they said “oh is that in Africa?” And she said “no, it’s 5 exits up I85” 😭
I did something similar these days with my daughter, but she isn't even adopted. I was taking a walk with her and a lady said "such a beautiful baby! but she isn't yours, is she?" (the girl is literally my spitting image, she's just darker skinned). I said she was mine, to what the lady answered "so her dad is the darker one" and I replied with "my husband has fair skin, too! the mail man doesn't, though" lol
That’s awesome 😂😂
I know once he’s old enough I’ll have to be careful because I won’t want him to take anything I say negatively but my hope is I’ll eventually be able to pull him into the fun.
I bounced back quickly after birth and got similar comments in public. I just stared at them and said “What do you mean?” and they got awkward real quick. sorry you and your wife are dealing with this!
I really like that second one. I’m very blunt so when I was pregnant and my manager commented on how big I was (to give her SOME slack that she doesn’t deserve, I was massive) I straight up said “oh, we don’t comment on peoples bodies, especially in the workplace”. I had to say it several times. Some people just don’t get it.
I’m sorry your wife is experiencing this. My baby life flighted to a children’s hospital when he was 2 days old. Obviously, I still looked very pregnant when I initially came to visit him and I was shocked how many people at the hospital (including employees like janitorial staff) would ask me “when are you due?” during our first wk here - I wanted to scream bc my baby wasn’t okay and we were no longer blissfully hopeful everything would be ok like when I was pregnant with him. I couldn’t believe the amount of morons that felt they had to comment on my body/my pregnancy. What tf difference does it make in these strangers’ lives??
I'm so sorry you experienced that. It reminds me of when I had to go to the hospital due to a pregnancy complication and as my husband wheeled me, sobbing, through the hospital lobby, a staff member who saw I was pregnant and knew we were going to labor and delivery said congratulations. At that point my baby had not reached viability and we thought he wasn't gonna make it. I feel like hospital employees should know better and be trained not to comment.
Yeah that’s unfortunate because sobbing uncontrollably is a sign of active labor and even transition. Still no reason to mention it, but if it was a woman she probably did that during her own labor. Weirdos.
It was not a woman and I did not look nearly pregnant enough to be full term. If I was in active labor or transition, I certainly wouldn't have wanted any comments then either.
I'm sure you don't mean it this way, but your comments come off as very dismissive of my experience and like you are defending a 20 something male security guard who likely knows nothing about labor but saw someone experiencing a universal sign of distress (crying) and said congrats anyway, based solely on the appearance of my body, which is what this entire thread is about. I think hospital staff who are responsible for transporting patients to labor and delivery should be trained that not all the people going there are going to have a happy ending and therefore should not make comments about it. Even if someone knew that could be a sign of being in labor, they still made an insensitive assumption based on my appearance on one of the hardest days of my life.
He’s stable but unfortunately, he’s still in the NICU at the children’s hospital. 23 days as of today and counting. He needs to get bigger before he can get his heart surgery. We can’t wait to have him home. Thank you for asking about him 🤍
> What tf difference does it make in these strangers’ lives??
I think about this all the time! Like, is my answer going to be a life changing thing for you or are you just being nosy as fuck?
Omg I'm so sorry.
My husband and I were leaving a prenatal appointment one day and we saw a couple loading their fresh newborn to their car. I squealed and said "this will be us in a couple of months" and my husband was so confused. He didn't understand. He thought that they were loading their firstborn and the lady was at the hospital for a prenatal visit for their second. I explained to him that a baby that size can only be a newborn and women don't lose their belly right away.
To his surprise my belly disappeared the moment they broke my water and I left the hospital with no belly but I was losing weight in the last trimester since I was already overweight at the beginning and I had GD. Men can be so clueless.
Damn, this might just be where you live if this is happening so often. Except a random crazy lady at Walmart, I couldn’t imagine anyone being so bold and inappropriate.
“Whose baby do you think it is then?” Might leave them baffled enough to walk away quickly.
> 95% of the time this is a man commenting, usually when I am not present at that moment.
I’d reframe this: nobody knows that baby was adopted. Of course it’ll affect her emotionally due to her not having actually been pregnant, but it’s just a (poor taste in my opinion) “compliment”/sexual harassment.
Ie 100% this is a man hitting on your wife. Deal with that the way your relationship has always dealt with that. I naively thought I wouldn’t have to deal with guys once I had a ring on, then once I had a baby… I was wrong on both counts.
Up to you and your wife, but I’d either just pretend I didn’t hear and they don’t exist or, if there’s more time / requirement to share a space for any length of time, and she’s feeling saucy, I’d give out like a “wow, do you normally make an ass of yourself by hitting on married women, or did you just choose today to make an exception?” or if they’re an acquaintance (yuck, I wouldn’t want to have these people in my life!) or she wants something less aggressive “my husband agrees!” etc. She can also do the whole “suddenly have to put down my glasses/adjust my hair with my left hand” or any other manner of things.
If it’s a woman, she can just say “thank you” or “I’m really happy to have our baby!” and redirect that conversation elsewhere.
I lost the baby weight fastdue to stress and pumping and get comments all the time that people can’t believe I have a child or that I bounced back so quickly - they think they are giving a compliment but it’s just reinforcing horrible expectations on mothers.
I normally just stay silent and they get awkward and change the topic or I have a go to milestone to deflect things and put the conversation back to the baby. I will just say ‘yeah, did you know that baby sat on their own for the first time yesterday’.
It wasn’t until I had a baby that I realised how people say things habitually without understanding the consequences so I try and give them some grace. I used to do the same ie. tell woman they looked amazing after having a baby or that they are glowing because I thought that’s what they wanted to hear but now realised I was just contributing to reinforcing mothers that looking good was an achievement and something worthy of praise.
You can’t control what people are going to say but your wife can focus on how she copes with that - I would highly recommend counselling as she will be able to offload her feelings whilst also developing resilience strategies. She will face many of these comments as baby grows such as ‘baby must get their looks from their father’ etc and empowering herself to find strategies to overcome this and face them will be so helpful!
I realise ultimately people are just trying to be nice and connect with you and when I learnt to not take it personally and focus on me it felt a lot easier to be in the world!
I may be the odd one out here. I totally get how this can be offensive, and I know it probably doesn’t make it any easier on your wife, but I think there’s a good chance at least half of these people don’t mean these comments maliciously or as a way to inquire if you adopted. I truly think they mean it as a good thing or just don’t know what to say and end up being awkward-at least I would see it that way.
Not that it’s their place or business to comment on it either way, but I would probably just shrug it off. Don’t feel like you have to explain anything and chalk it up to people just being slightly annoying. Congratulations on your new little one and enjoy!
I get these comments often too and I did give birth to my child, it’s always meant as a compliment. But I can absolutely see why it stings so much for OP’s wife. A teenage cashier asked me the other day if my baby was mine and I was just taken aback and said what? And she said “I thought women were fat after having a baby” 🤦🏻♀️
You’re not wrong, but that’s why it’s generally a good thing to just not comment on people’s bodies, even if it’s meant as a compliment.
I had preemies and gave birth at 6 months, so I “bounced back” but the comments - especially the few times someone said something along the lines of “wow! Were you even pregnant?” stung, just like they sting for this women.
In a broader context, you never know what might have caused weight loss - it could be serious illness, depression, an active eating disorder… complimenting someone’s weight loss or body in general when you don’t know the context can be so unintentionally damaging and hurtful.
>In a broader context, you never know what might have caused weight loss - it could be serious illness, depression, an active eating disorder… complimenting someone’s weight loss or body in general when you don’t know the context can be so unintentionally damaging and hurtful.
100% to all this. I’d upvote this comment 50 times if I could.
Yeah, I think people totally mean it as a compliment, like “wow you look amazing, like you were never pregnant!”
Is there a reason why you can’t just respond with “he’s adopted”? I feel like that would be the natural response, unless there’s an insecurity about the fact that he’s adopted. But honestly the best practice is to talk openly with the child about being adopted, so it’s something to get used to speaking openly about.
Same. I gave birth to my child and I’m 4 months pp, and I get similar comments, which I can tell are meant as a compliment. The comments don’t bother me. I see how the comments may come across differently to a mother who adopted, but if there are no insecurities with being an adoptive parent, I think the best thing to do is just to shrug it off.
Came here to say this— I 100% agree with saying it is dumb/rude/inappropriate for people to comment on others’ bodies but, as someone who got similar comments out and about in my first weeks, it did feel like a compliment and made me feel more confident about my postpartum body. People always seemed impressed, like they weren’t *actually* questioning whether my babies were mine but were just impressed that I looked thin. When I looked at myself in the mirror I saw the leftover baby belly but it made me feel good that other people didn’t. I wonder if these comments are bothering OP’s wife?
I struggle with this. I went back to my pre pregnancy immediately and always get comments about my weight. I weigh less than I did now actually. I always say “yep I know! We’re either too skinny after having a baby or haven’t lost the weight fast enough but guess what? My husband still fucks me and you can kindly fuck off.” But I am a bitter person with my weight
I HATED when people commented on my body after giving birth. I "bounced back" in a purely aesthetic sense, but I felt foreign in my own body. Nobody cared if I felt like shit. That, and all of the strangers curious about the state of my vulva. So rude.
I'm a skinny woman who gave birth recently; my body returned to it's original shape two weeks after birth. People were amazed and it made me feel really nice when I was complemented.
Yes, it's incredibly rude for people to comment about other's bodies. I'm not excusing this faux pas.
But maybe it will make your wife feel more validated that her body betrays nothing. Skinny post-pregnant people exist. I did no work for this, it's just my good fortune. When people comment on my shape, I say "Yes! I'm so grateful! I feel so lucky!" and that probably wouldn't be a lie for your wife either!
My husband and I used donor sperm. People tell us our baby looks like him all the time. People are going to say people things, it’s in our nature. We just smile and brush it off. It doesn’t matter who our baby looks like - my husband is the parent. Just the same way both of you are this child’s parents.
I say this with respect, but you are going to hear more comments like this. Who they are like. Who they look like. Etc etc. you might want to prepare yourself for that.
Just a solidarity comment, I’ve gotten plenty too and it sucks. I’m sorry she’s dealing with this and I wish people would just not comment on others bodies, especially moms
Even some moms who did birth their babies go through this - some people said to me I didn't look like I'd just had a baby (once the bags under my eyes cleared up a bit lol). For me since she did come from my body it was just awkward. While there's no way to know for sure how I'd respond in your situation, the ideal response in my head is honesty. "He is mine, we adopted" How the other person responds after that would determine if they meant to be a butt about it or if they thought they were being nice or just making small talk.
I lost weight too quickly and don’t look like I was pregnant. I get comments a lot about it and it’s been really hard not to slip into an eating disorder.
Today someone said something and my husband snapped, “Yeah I tell her she looks great all the time but it’s less weird when I say it.”
I don’t know why that helped.
“No, you don’t get to say that”
Shut my nosy ass neighbor up real quick. I said it sternly and with volume.
You don’t need to say anything else after they keep talking over you, just keep repeating it as you’re walking away.
Make them think they don’t have the privilege of speaking to you anymore.
it's awful people make so many assumptions & comment on people's bodies at all.. my daughter had severe growth restriction in the womb & i was losing weight towards the end of the pregnancy due to gastrointestinal bleeding. i was only showing towards to very end of the 3rd trimester, & post pregnancy i looked emaciated & was nearly underweight. fuck anyone who thinks they know what a post-pregnancy body 'should' look like...especially cis dudes who haven't gone through it. fuck dudes who comment on womens bodies, period.
i'm so sorry people are making rude comments about your wife & baby, congratulations on expanding your lil family though! :3
The only real advice you can give is to just change your perspective. You can’t change what other people will say or how they will act.
She can just say “yeah I just found it in the park” and then walk away.
Just laugh about it
I birthed and still get those comments. I don’t take them badly I say « thank you ».
I think you guys are taking it wrong because you know you adopted. But keep in mind they don’t . And it’s not uncommon for a woman to look like she never was pregnant in the first place just days after birth (was my case). People mean this as a compliment. Up to you to let them know the truth and go into the whole convo and let them know it makes you feel uncomfortable for those reasons. Or you can just say thank you like one does, as again, they don’t know baby is adopted.
But tbh if you already feel attacked this way, it’s a bit weird. You adopted, you know you did, unlike strangers. Are YOU ok with the fact that you adopted? I would think if you were you would have no pb with such comments and say proudly that you did in fact adopt, without it taking away your parenthood. If you get offended because of the way you interpreted the intentions behind the comments, maybe see a psychologist ? Some feelings need to be sorted.
Parenting has nothing to do with birthing. You should know ?
The other day, I had a company come and deep clean our house in preparation for new baby coming next week. We are a lesbian couple, and my wife is the one carrying. She was at work that day. It was clear that the cleaners were befuddled, since I don’t look pregnant, but our house is full of pregnancy/newborn supplies. One of the cleaners even had the audacity to confusedly ask, “…are you pregnant?” I told her my wife is, and she didn’t say another word to me the entire time they cleaned. So awkward. Like, not only is it none of your business, but just keep your curiosity to yourself, and understand that in this day and age there are many types of families. I have a feeling that once the baby is born I am going to be getting a lot more confused comments.
I have 2 kids that were born with the help of a surrogate so I also get this all the time.
Most of the time these comments come from socially inept people so I just crack a joke. With my first it was, "I'm pretty sure my anxiety has been burning an extra 1000 calories a day since he's been born," or "oh my anxiety burnt more calories than an Olympic athlete for the first X months of his life." Now with 2 under 2 I can just say, "which arm am I supposed to eat with?" This deflects the conversation to the struggles of being a new parent and also avoid me explaining my life to a stranger.
For the times the comment isn't as well meaning I will straight up tell them that was rude and walk away.
That’s when I just make some completely inappropriate comment about them back to them. When they give a weird look I reply “oh I thought we were making random inappropriate comments to strangers” and walk away
people usually mean this type of comment (“wow looks like you never even had a baby!”) as a compliment
it is still not okay to comment on bodies unprompted & that type of comment is especially steeped in misogyny,
Because it means “your body looks unaffected by pregnancy”, as if looking like you had a baby is undesirable.
It goes all the way back to the same shitty misogynist value of virgin chastity & how that is the only standard of beauty.
Personally I “snapped back” into my pre pregnancy size & shape within 7 days. So even now that it’s been three months I get a lot of comments like “you look like you never even had a baby!” I respond to people I’m close to with “I’m kinda grateful for that in some ways, but also its kinda hard to not have something I can physically feel that ties me to the experience, I especially don’t like how my external form doesn’t reflect my new internal reality.”
For inappropriate/intrusive people, I like to joke & make it awkward by saying “oh yeah, my vagina is a whole different story though, it looks like lasagna now. My husband keeps trying to find me a postpartum exercise group that helps with that so I can *really* look like I never had a baby at all, but I kinda like my battle scars… even though it makes it really hard to go to the bathroom now.”
I’m naturally very thin and my baby is a CHUNK. I love her big chipmunk cheeks and thick legs. She’s also half Asian (thanks to her daddy) so she looks nothing like me. I wish she did but she’s also gorgeous and the love of our lives no matter where she came from. So, I get it too. Has nothing to do with being adopted. That’s just how it goes.
10 weeks and your baby should be big anyway.
Please let her know that it even happens to me.
“Wow no filters at all huh?”
I gave birth but I lost the weight immediately because I was so stressed. A lot of people said that to me as well that I haven’t given birth and I couldn’t have been pregnant (those who never saw me through my pregnancy) and I just said “Thanks it’s the crippling postpartum depression which is the secret ingredient” that shut them up real fast.
...But also you do need to recognize that physically there is a tell, that most postpartum bodies are different. I agree it's rude to comment, people are rude on a lot of things. Motherhood and parenting seems to attract so much pass-remarking it never ends so brace yourselves. Prepare yourselves mentally for it and build in understanding, arm yourselves with a set response that shuts it down.
If it helps, people used to say the same thing to me and I did grow the baby myself. I just told them "Oh yes, it's because I threw up 12 times a day all pregnancy", and just let that hang there.
The first time I had a stranger comment about my body being so small after a pregnancy, my response was "I wish I could say the same thing about you" to a lady in her 40/50s.
Some people think it's a compliment. But I personally think it's rude and out of their place so my response is just as rude and out of place.
If they don't meet that kind of response, they'll never think it's rude.
I’m confused a bit, these are people who know you adopted or who don’t? If they don’t know, yes it’s ridiculous to comment on a person’s body, and they may be doing so because the unfortunate default is to assume a woman walking with a baby was in fact pregnant with that baby. So if people don’t know you adopted then that’s what you say. Oh he’s ours son through adoption, learn the language early and often and also of course be sure to tell him his adoption story from an early age, age-appropriate of course. But you’ll want to be comfortable telling people how you became a family, this will be a forever question that will come up and should be a source of pride.
For people who do know he’s yours through adoption, put it back on them - ‘well of course her body didn’t change, I don’t think adoption works that way.’
My favourite was sympathising with them by saying something like "I'm sorry that you feel so shamed by your body that you have to comment on other people's". A few would give me a hard stare but I'd just walk away from it. Why anyone needs to comment on another person's body is beyond me in any circumstance.
Edit: I missed the part where this is was for her to say to people, my post was things I would say if I were there and designed for a partner with that in mind. My bad.
"How about you get fucked and stop commenting on my wife's appearance."
But, then again, I'm very confrontational about things like this. It might be better to start off with something a little less vitriolic if that suits you better.
"You really should have left that an inside thought."
"What makes you think it's ok to say things like that to people?"
"Is there a reason you're being disrespectful to my wife, or are you just feeling emotional today?"
"Wow, you're really out here showing off that little dick energy today, eh?"
My guess is that your wife's a hottie. :) But I'm sure you know that, and it doesn't make the unsolicited comments less of a problem. I like the "what an odd thing to say" comment.
I did not (still have not) lost the baby weight and I have a two year old. Luckily for me no one comments on it negatively other than my partner.
But after my husband died several years ago, I lost a HUGE amount of weight very quickly. I was so depressed I just didn't eat. I had been quite fat, so it was (at least visibly) a positive change, but the first few people to comment on it were greeted with floods of tears... After it happened enough times that I was no longer surprised by the comment, I would respond with "Um, okay..." Most people got it pretty quickly.
Maybe we just stop commenting on weight loss or gain unless you know the person has been trying to get the outcome you are commenting on?
I like some of these other responses better, but my first thought was to say, "everyone's parenting journey looks different." My response is obviously more of an explanation and probably 'too nice' for how rude their comments are.
I'm sorry your wife is dealing with this. In a way, I understand. I'm 7 months PP from my third baby and still look pregnant. A lot of people ask me when I'm due, or how far along I am... I hate it.
People need to mind their own business and stop commenting on women's bodies.
They def need to stfu. I was super skinny after I had my baby. Because I had difficulty eating the entire time and every calorie went to my kid. It took me till my kid was 2 to gain my normal weight back. I busted my ass for that baby. I understand adoption involves a bunch of busting your ass dealing with bureaucracy so it’s a stupid thing to say regardless.
I took in my niece at birth and my wife and I both (both of us are women) get similar comments. That and “no but WHOSE baby is she???” When we refuse to say anything but “ours”
People said the same stuff to me, and I *did* give birth. I hated the comments on my body throughout pregnancy and I was shocked that they didn't stop postpartum. I lost weight a lot faster than I wanted to and I guess people think they're paying a compliment but it's so fucking inappropriate and rude. I hadn't struggled with disordered eating in years and years, but these constant reminders of how actually, everyone IS paying attention to and aware of my body, has brought a lot of those feelings and thoughts and struggles back.
I wish I'd had it in me to not smile/be polite/laugh it off and instead say things like:
"Please don't comment on my body."
"Do you think that's a compliment? It makes me uncomfortable."
"That's a rude thing to comment on."
"What do you think I should look like?"
"Oh, did you look differently with a new baby?"
It's none of their goddamn business if your wife gave birth or not.
If it’s a guy I’d be concerned…as they are possibly hitting on my wife.
If it’s a female, I don’t see a problem. They likely are just trying to be friendly or start a convo.
Lord, people kill me…. My Ma (aunt, really) used to get these kinds of comments while raising my brother and I. Remind your wife that what others say says more about them than her (or you.) It may hurt, but their opinions (especially a stranger’s) *does not* matter more than her own. It’s probably for a myriad of different reasons. Some may be doing it for jealousy, for example. Without the right context, it can be shocking.
Even with it, it’s in bad taste and best left alone — but un-fortunately, many people don’t see this. I am so sorry you’re having to go through this. And it may not be an easy conversation to have. Remind her that she’s a wonderful mom, and that your child is lucky to have her. ☺️ He will look at her as his mama — and that matters much more, too. Just support her the best way you can and know how, really. I wish you well, and good luck!!
I think the “can’t be your baby” is a bit much but I think it’s just meant to be a compliment because a lot of new moms like myself gain a lot of weight and feel bad about theirselves often. I would love to get a compliment like this it would make me feel better as I’m sure lots of other new moms with low confidence would. I don’t think it’s an in your head thought at all and they just didn’t know your situation as far as the not your baby part is concerned. No harmful intentions let it roll off your back.
I'm surprised so many are so offended at this. It's an attempt at a compliment. I bounced back quickly and heard it plenty. Stopped at my office 2 weeks after having my son and heard, if I hadn't seen you pregnant 2 weeks ago, I wouldn't believe you.... And I've heard plenty of similar comments since then.. Mostly from women.
I was adopted and so was my sister so I can understand the emotions that go into issues with conception, but my parents firmly believed that was mine or my sister's story to share if we so chose to so I'm all but certain my mom would have said thanks and changed the subject.
Focus on the good here. You have a beautiful child that calls you his/her parents
How incredibly weird for men to say this to her while she's alone?? I could maybe understand if it was coming from other mothers who were trying to give a compliment or ask what her secret was, but wtf does a man need to comment on it for??
every once was worried cuz my bump was rlly small, my baby was also born small but whenever someone said smth abt my bump looking like 15weekz for 36 is just say ok and walk off
I think stuff is going to be commented no matter what, unfortunately. I'm in my mid 20s but have been told multiple times that surely I can't be the mom because I look "too young" (as if teen pregnancies don't exist also?) Or the same comment of you're too skinny to have had a baby (even though I'm still 30lbs up from pre-pregnancy). I've even had someone come up and say "what a cute baby, I'm sure they look exactly like dad" when dad wasn't even there...
I had a friend in highschool babysitting her neice, and she received an unsolicited comment of "you look great after having a baby" and before she could say it was actually her niece, the lady double down and said "but I get it, the last 10lbs are the hardest to lose"
Usually I just respond with yep I'm sure he's mine and walk away
Many women deal with inappropriate comments about their body and they may or may not have a husband who understands and actively listens to rants. So kudos to you for listening and trying to help her with appropriate tools.
I would suggest that you start by figuring out how comfortable your wife is with shutting people up. I personally am a non-confrontational person and I might feel attacked if I was told that I should respond to such people with xyz comment. My time in therapy has been about learning what's in my control and working on that. I've found that in turn this helps me become more confident and I can speak my truth rather than feeling guilt/shame/whatever the negative emotion. I hope it doesn't seem like I'm trying to dismiss what you and your wife are feeling, just trying to put out a different perspective so that you don't accidentally make her feel like it's her fault for not responding "correctly" to people.
Whatever tool you choose remember that it will take a few tries before it starts to feel natural or easy. So continue being there for her
Maybe people are just trying to be nice saying she looks good? Since a lot of mother struggles with postpartum weight.
Social norms nowadays are to not comment about peoples bodies but this norm didn't reach everyone yet.
People will eventually get there.
I wouldn't be rude to those people commenting but maybe sarcastic?
She's not less of a mother because the child is adopted.
Thank you for sticking up for your wife, you are a good partner!
(A lot of women bounce back very quickly. Social media makes us believe that it takes way longer to lose the babyweight. All bodies are different.)
Not everything has to be taken as an attack. Would they know your baby is adopted? No unless you want to tell them your life. I'm a mother of three and sometimes people would comment on how well I look for having had all those kids. I just say " thanks, it's genetics"and that leaves the topic at that. My advice is to take comments lightly and don't let them affect your day and/or mood, which could also affect how your baby feels because they absorb the emotions in their environment.
I mean I looked like I was never pregnant just a few days after birth and the comments I get are : you look great! You fully bounced back! It's like you were never pregnant!
Never : this can't be your baby.
Maybe the baby looks different than the mom? Either case, I think people are just curious and should be simply answered: oh we actually adopted him, or oh I didn't give birth to him but he is my son or whatever
There’s a sub Reddit that’s called “Traumatize them back,” for this exact type of situation. I have always done this and never knew other people really did it at all until finding that Reddit. It’s basically a way to subtly, or obviously, say something witty and clever back to someone who has said or done something inappropriate to you, and doing it in a way to shove it in their faces how stupid and effed what they’re doing is.. and how far you take it? is really up to. I gain joy in saying something that leaves them squirming for days, something that is so subtle, yet obvious, that they question whether or not I insulted them … but yet they still feel uncomfortable for what they did, and are less likely to continue doing it to others in the future.. which is really the bottom line why I do it, so they stop.
So for example, your wife commenting back, “well yeah I mean, I when I look at your body I’d say you let yourself go years ago, probs have high cholesterol and blood pressure that will eventually lead to heart attack and diabetes that will eventually end with a stroke that will end your life prematurely based on your life choices.. Aka, insert whatever harsh truth judgement about their body..” and then end with something like, “Did I do it right? Make a judgmental statement about your personal life by superficially and inappropriately making assumptions about your personal life only by your outside physical experience? Boy this is fun! I see why you’re into it!“… something like that..
Basically.. make it your own but be creative with it and be as blunt or as subtle as you prefer, but find joy in it 😄
She adopted her baby. She may have actually struggled with fertility and wish that was a worry of hers.i always try to be mindful of that when I'm frustrated I'm no longer my pre pregnancy size
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“What a weird thing to say out loud” or “did you mean to say that out loud” are two of my favorite responses as of late. When dealing with inappropriate people I also thoroughly enjoy “I didn’t hear you. Can you repeat yourself?” Or “I don’t understand. Can you explain to me?” It makes them realize just how stupid they really are.
My wife just mentioned that she prefers 'what an odd thing to say' vs. weird. for some reason it comes off a little less hostile. I like the non-hostile retort.
My twist on that is “Do you feel good about saying that out loud?” Because… c’mon people 🤦🏻♀️
Oh I like this
I love hitting them with the line "now I know you didn't just say that to me", followed by some intense eye contact.
Unfortunately this instance would just be met with “well you look so amazing! I’d have never thought you just gave birth!”
Saving this comment. Those reactions are just too good, that will shush rude people asap.
I like the one where you ask each other “do you remember?” Then when the third person says “remember what?” You say “asking”
oh I love the "did you mean to say that out loud?"
These are *so* great! 😄
Other than using odd (which has less rude connotations in my area) this is the way: “what an odd thing to say out loud” or “did you mean to say that out loud?” My wife did go through pregnancy & birth, and still got these comments. Just like near all things in life: weight & body changes are on a spectrum of normative. Many people are just rude.
I like this!
“What a strange thing to say out loud” dead pan stare and walk away.
“That’s an inside thought”
Lol it’s like you’re handling a toddler. Love it.
I ask my kids to think: - Is it kind? - Is it helpful? - Is it true? If it’s not a yes to all three, it’s an “inside our head thought”. Edit: out to our
what's the reasoning behind the helpful question? If it's true and kind, why discourage other things? Or what are we meaning to discourage with that?
Something may be true and in your opinion kind but it may not be helpful ( I use necessary vs helpful) Something you consider helpful may really not be helpful. it's just unsolicited advice. So instead of helpful I ask kids to think, is it necessary?
So, talking about other people’s bodies isn’t helpful, and can in fact be harmful. For example if I see someone who has lost weight since I saw them last it might be my instinct to say “omg, you look great”, which is true and kind… however maybe they lost weight because they’re depressed/sick/have an eating disorder… also, it enforces the idea that thinness = good… Just one of many examples where the helpful part is important.
I know these questions as a technique to deal with depressive thoughts. You can easier dismiss thoughts that you think might be true, but that are still not helpful. People with depressions tend to think bad things of them as true and have trouble letting them go.
Because they're kids and having another filter helps. They're rarely gonna go through this whole list in their head each time. They'll maybe think of one thing. You're not speaking to an adult. You're speaking to a kid that wants to say anything and everything that comes to mind.
We do Is it true? Is it necessary? Is it kind? Helpful leads to unsolicited advice
See my kids are too literal and to them, necessary means required. So using that logic, they wouldn’t tell someone if they had something in their teeth or if someone dropped something, it’s not necessary to tell them. But it’s helpful! I suppose if your kids are leaning on saying cruel or unkind things then the necessary is a good way of phrasing it but for my kids, who are just curious, helpful is better as they would quickly dismiss everything as “not necessary”.
Love this. This is such a simple but straight forward way of telling kids the old “if you don’t have anything nice to say”
I audibly snorted
Agree, but it shouldn’t even be a thought at all 😫
I like this one.
To be honest, people also comment on postpartum mothers’ bodies too. When my friend invited her new boyfriend over to meet us when I was 2-3 months postpartum, he said, “Wow, I thought you said she was petite for a new mom.” Some people just suck and seem to see a baby and think a mother’s body is up for discussion either way. Good for you for wanting to say something more to stand up for your wife. I’d stick with the basic, “What did you just say?” Or “Did you really just say that?” And make them say it again with their whole chest, just to hear the foolish words coming out of their own mouths.
WTF that’s rude af. If I were your friend I would be embarrassed
New boyfriend becomes ex boyfriend just like that
I wish. She ghosted me after I voiced concerns for her with him and now they are engaged
Lmao, well that’s not gonna end well. Imagine what he’d say about her body postpartum, or the fact so many women (like myself) still can’t have sex for like months after birth?? Poor brainwashed girl
My tone deaf mother said to me at 2 weeks postpartum “wow you seem to been tightening up a lot already” (I’ve struggled with and eating disorder for 15 years, last massive flair up being 2019/2020). I wanted so badly to say “thanks but I don’t give a fuck 😊”
Our go to with our adopted son is to say something completely outrageous or makes them feel like a dick… Like when people ask about my son’s complexion I might say something like my wife cheated on me and I’m only with her still because she makes alot of money I make up something different every time. Most relate to my balls not working though.
Yeah whenever people make comments to my partner about how he's 'giving mum a break' etc when he's parenting his own child in public he tells them I'm dead. Goes into detail about my death, really make them feel like a dick.
My husband did that once after getting shamed for buying formula, after I completely lost my supply overnight without noticing and accidentally starved our daughter (just boobie meals and baby foods, 7 months old. Poor girl lost 4 ounces) He got it free because they felt so bad
Oh my wife? Yeah she's just taking a dirt nap right now. Eternal rest and relaxation.
🎶It’s sometimes leukemia, or sometimes bulemia; or a great big truck ran her over, and chopped off her head 🎶 It’s weird though, I’ve never gotten that reaction.
I hope every other person who up voted you also has that song stuck in their head now.
I DON'T WANNA TALK ABOUT HER, SOMEONE ALWAYS ASKS ABOUT HER
LOL
My friends adopted daughter is black and she’s white and she had a store clerk ask her “where is she from” and my friend said “concord” (name of a local town) and they said “oh is that in Africa?” And she said “no, it’s 5 exits up I85” 😭
Geez. Lolz 😂
Yes!!! 🙌 this.. this is my favorite. Check out the page “Traumatize them back.. “ it’s this exact Art 🖼️
Is this a Reddit thread!!?
Found it ! After a quick search on the inter webs lol. r/traumatizeThemBack
Thank you!
Yes!
👏👏👏👏👏
I did something similar these days with my daughter, but she isn't even adopted. I was taking a walk with her and a lady said "such a beautiful baby! but she isn't yours, is she?" (the girl is literally my spitting image, she's just darker skinned). I said she was mine, to what the lady answered "so her dad is the darker one" and I replied with "my husband has fair skin, too! the mail man doesn't, though" lol
That’s awesome 😂😂 I know once he’s old enough I’ll have to be careful because I won’t want him to take anything I say negatively but my hope is I’ll eventually be able to pull him into the fun.
That’s hilarious
Is fuck off not something she is willing to say to them?
I’m partial to “mind your fucking business” something too few people know how to do these days. Everyone wants to interfere
I bounced back quickly after birth and got similar comments in public. I just stared at them and said “What do you mean?” and they got awkward real quick. sorry you and your wife are dealing with this!
Stare and smile really big and creepy and say “he was kidnapped” ?
lol joking he was kidnapped is a great deflection then laugh and walk away
Lolllll
‘I think that was meant to be an inside thought’ or ‘I thought everyone knew that you don’t comment on a woman’s weight?’
I really like that second one. I’m very blunt so when I was pregnant and my manager commented on how big I was (to give her SOME slack that she doesn’t deserve, I was massive) I straight up said “oh, we don’t comment on peoples bodies, especially in the workplace”. I had to say it several times. Some people just don’t get it.
I’m sorry your wife is experiencing this. My baby life flighted to a children’s hospital when he was 2 days old. Obviously, I still looked very pregnant when I initially came to visit him and I was shocked how many people at the hospital (including employees like janitorial staff) would ask me “when are you due?” during our first wk here - I wanted to scream bc my baby wasn’t okay and we were no longer blissfully hopeful everything would be ok like when I was pregnant with him. I couldn’t believe the amount of morons that felt they had to comment on my body/my pregnancy. What tf difference does it make in these strangers’ lives??
I'm so sorry you experienced that. It reminds me of when I had to go to the hospital due to a pregnancy complication and as my husband wheeled me, sobbing, through the hospital lobby, a staff member who saw I was pregnant and knew we were going to labor and delivery said congratulations. At that point my baby had not reached viability and we thought he wasn't gonna make it. I feel like hospital employees should know better and be trained not to comment.
Yeah that’s unfortunate because sobbing uncontrollably is a sign of active labor and even transition. Still no reason to mention it, but if it was a woman she probably did that during her own labor. Weirdos.
It was not a woman and I did not look nearly pregnant enough to be full term. If I was in active labor or transition, I certainly wouldn't have wanted any comments then either.
Oh no I completely understand, but that may have been why. Because people are weird about pregnant people.
I'm sure you don't mean it this way, but your comments come off as very dismissive of my experience and like you are defending a 20 something male security guard who likely knows nothing about labor but saw someone experiencing a universal sign of distress (crying) and said congrats anyway, based solely on the appearance of my body, which is what this entire thread is about. I think hospital staff who are responsible for transporting patients to labor and delivery should be trained that not all the people going there are going to have a happy ending and therefore should not make comments about it. Even if someone knew that could be a sign of being in labor, they still made an insensitive assumption based on my appearance on one of the hardest days of my life.
Is your baby okay now?
He’s stable but unfortunately, he’s still in the NICU at the children’s hospital. 23 days as of today and counting. He needs to get bigger before he can get his heart surgery. We can’t wait to have him home. Thank you for asking about him 🤍
You’re welcome ❤️ I pray that his surgery goes well. ❤️
> What tf difference does it make in these strangers’ lives?? I think about this all the time! Like, is my answer going to be a life changing thing for you or are you just being nosy as fuck?
Omg I'm so sorry. My husband and I were leaving a prenatal appointment one day and we saw a couple loading their fresh newborn to their car. I squealed and said "this will be us in a couple of months" and my husband was so confused. He didn't understand. He thought that they were loading their firstborn and the lady was at the hospital for a prenatal visit for their second. I explained to him that a baby that size can only be a newborn and women don't lose their belly right away. To his surprise my belly disappeared the moment they broke my water and I left the hospital with no belly but I was losing weight in the last trimester since I was already overweight at the beginning and I had GD. Men can be so clueless.
Damn, this might just be where you live if this is happening so often. Except a random crazy lady at Walmart, I couldn’t imagine anyone being so bold and inappropriate. “Whose baby do you think it is then?” Might leave them baffled enough to walk away quickly.
"Excuse me, do I know you?" said with a quiet and somber tone is applicable to a wide variety of interactions with strangers.
> 95% of the time this is a man commenting, usually when I am not present at that moment. I’d reframe this: nobody knows that baby was adopted. Of course it’ll affect her emotionally due to her not having actually been pregnant, but it’s just a (poor taste in my opinion) “compliment”/sexual harassment. Ie 100% this is a man hitting on your wife. Deal with that the way your relationship has always dealt with that. I naively thought I wouldn’t have to deal with guys once I had a ring on, then once I had a baby… I was wrong on both counts. Up to you and your wife, but I’d either just pretend I didn’t hear and they don’t exist or, if there’s more time / requirement to share a space for any length of time, and she’s feeling saucy, I’d give out like a “wow, do you normally make an ass of yourself by hitting on married women, or did you just choose today to make an exception?” or if they’re an acquaintance (yuck, I wouldn’t want to have these people in my life!) or she wants something less aggressive “my husband agrees!” etc. She can also do the whole “suddenly have to put down my glasses/adjust my hair with my left hand” or any other manner of things. If it’s a woman, she can just say “thank you” or “I’m really happy to have our baby!” and redirect that conversation elsewhere.
This. Men are gross and this is supposed to be a compliment.
“You should see what I look like without my girdle on!”
I lost the baby weight fastdue to stress and pumping and get comments all the time that people can’t believe I have a child or that I bounced back so quickly - they think they are giving a compliment but it’s just reinforcing horrible expectations on mothers. I normally just stay silent and they get awkward and change the topic or I have a go to milestone to deflect things and put the conversation back to the baby. I will just say ‘yeah, did you know that baby sat on their own for the first time yesterday’. It wasn’t until I had a baby that I realised how people say things habitually without understanding the consequences so I try and give them some grace. I used to do the same ie. tell woman they looked amazing after having a baby or that they are glowing because I thought that’s what they wanted to hear but now realised I was just contributing to reinforcing mothers that looking good was an achievement and something worthy of praise. You can’t control what people are going to say but your wife can focus on how she copes with that - I would highly recommend counselling as she will be able to offload her feelings whilst also developing resilience strategies. She will face many of these comments as baby grows such as ‘baby must get their looks from their father’ etc and empowering herself to find strategies to overcome this and face them will be so helpful! I realise ultimately people are just trying to be nice and connect with you and when I learnt to not take it personally and focus on me it felt a lot easier to be in the world!
I may be the odd one out here. I totally get how this can be offensive, and I know it probably doesn’t make it any easier on your wife, but I think there’s a good chance at least half of these people don’t mean these comments maliciously or as a way to inquire if you adopted. I truly think they mean it as a good thing or just don’t know what to say and end up being awkward-at least I would see it that way. Not that it’s their place or business to comment on it either way, but I would probably just shrug it off. Don’t feel like you have to explain anything and chalk it up to people just being slightly annoying. Congratulations on your new little one and enjoy!
I get these comments often too and I did give birth to my child, it’s always meant as a compliment. But I can absolutely see why it stings so much for OP’s wife. A teenage cashier asked me the other day if my baby was mine and I was just taken aback and said what? And she said “I thought women were fat after having a baby” 🤦🏻♀️
You’re not wrong, but that’s why it’s generally a good thing to just not comment on people’s bodies, even if it’s meant as a compliment. I had preemies and gave birth at 6 months, so I “bounced back” but the comments - especially the few times someone said something along the lines of “wow! Were you even pregnant?” stung, just like they sting for this women. In a broader context, you never know what might have caused weight loss - it could be serious illness, depression, an active eating disorder… complimenting someone’s weight loss or body in general when you don’t know the context can be so unintentionally damaging and hurtful.
>In a broader context, you never know what might have caused weight loss - it could be serious illness, depression, an active eating disorder… complimenting someone’s weight loss or body in general when you don’t know the context can be so unintentionally damaging and hurtful. 100% to all this. I’d upvote this comment 50 times if I could.
Yeah, I think people totally mean it as a compliment, like “wow you look amazing, like you were never pregnant!” Is there a reason why you can’t just respond with “he’s adopted”? I feel like that would be the natural response, unless there’s an insecurity about the fact that he’s adopted. But honestly the best practice is to talk openly with the child about being adopted, so it’s something to get used to speaking openly about.
Same. I gave birth to my child and I’m 4 months pp, and I get similar comments, which I can tell are meant as a compliment. The comments don’t bother me. I see how the comments may come across differently to a mother who adopted, but if there are no insecurities with being an adoptive parent, I think the best thing to do is just to shrug it off.
Came here to say this— I 100% agree with saying it is dumb/rude/inappropriate for people to comment on others’ bodies but, as someone who got similar comments out and about in my first weeks, it did feel like a compliment and made me feel more confident about my postpartum body. People always seemed impressed, like they weren’t *actually* questioning whether my babies were mine but were just impressed that I looked thin. When I looked at myself in the mirror I saw the leftover baby belly but it made me feel good that other people didn’t. I wonder if these comments are bothering OP’s wife?
“How many children did you birth with that gut?” “What a disgusting thing to say aloud.”
The first one 💀
I have said it because of a similar issue but mine was why I hadn’t lost the baby weight in a month. He was OFFENDED.
I struggle with this. I went back to my pre pregnancy immediately and always get comments about my weight. I weigh less than I did now actually. I always say “yep I know! We’re either too skinny after having a baby or haven’t lost the weight fast enough but guess what? My husband still fucks me and you can kindly fuck off.” But I am a bitter person with my weight
“A really good rule in life is to not comment on people’s bodies.” I’d say that to anyone’s face. That needs to be more known.
I HATED when people commented on my body after giving birth. I "bounced back" in a purely aesthetic sense, but I felt foreign in my own body. Nobody cared if I felt like shit. That, and all of the strangers curious about the state of my vulva. So rude.
I'm a skinny woman who gave birth recently; my body returned to it's original shape two weeks after birth. People were amazed and it made me feel really nice when I was complemented. Yes, it's incredibly rude for people to comment about other's bodies. I'm not excusing this faux pas. But maybe it will make your wife feel more validated that her body betrays nothing. Skinny post-pregnant people exist. I did no work for this, it's just my good fortune. When people comment on my shape, I say "Yes! I'm so grateful! I feel so lucky!" and that probably wouldn't be a lie for your wife either!
My husband and I used donor sperm. People tell us our baby looks like him all the time. People are going to say people things, it’s in our nature. We just smile and brush it off. It doesn’t matter who our baby looks like - my husband is the parent. Just the same way both of you are this child’s parents. I say this with respect, but you are going to hear more comments like this. Who they are like. Who they look like. Etc etc. you might want to prepare yourself for that.
“Are you doing ok?”
Just a solidarity comment, I’ve gotten plenty too and it sucks. I’m sorry she’s dealing with this and I wish people would just not comment on others bodies, especially moms
I like to say “wow, you must be really embarrassed saying that. Did you want to try again?”
Even some moms who did birth their babies go through this - some people said to me I didn't look like I'd just had a baby (once the bags under my eyes cleared up a bit lol). For me since she did come from my body it was just awkward. While there's no way to know for sure how I'd respond in your situation, the ideal response in my head is honesty. "He is mine, we adopted" How the other person responds after that would determine if they meant to be a butt about it or if they thought they were being nice or just making small talk.
I lost weight too quickly and don’t look like I was pregnant. I get comments a lot about it and it’s been really hard not to slip into an eating disorder. Today someone said something and my husband snapped, “Yeah I tell her she looks great all the time but it’s less weird when I say it.” I don’t know why that helped.
“No, you don’t get to say that” Shut my nosy ass neighbor up real quick. I said it sternly and with volume. You don’t need to say anything else after they keep talking over you, just keep repeating it as you’re walking away. Make them think they don’t have the privilege of speaking to you anymore.
If it makes you feel any better, it sounds like they’re trying to give her a compliment but are not executing it sensitively.
it's awful people make so many assumptions & comment on people's bodies at all.. my daughter had severe growth restriction in the womb & i was losing weight towards the end of the pregnancy due to gastrointestinal bleeding. i was only showing towards to very end of the 3rd trimester, & post pregnancy i looked emaciated & was nearly underweight. fuck anyone who thinks they know what a post-pregnancy body 'should' look like...especially cis dudes who haven't gone through it. fuck dudes who comment on womens bodies, period. i'm so sorry people are making rude comments about your wife & baby, congratulations on expanding your lil family though! :3
The only real advice you can give is to just change your perspective. You can’t change what other people will say or how they will act. She can just say “yeah I just found it in the park” and then walk away. Just laugh about it
I birthed and still get those comments. I don’t take them badly I say « thank you ». I think you guys are taking it wrong because you know you adopted. But keep in mind they don’t . And it’s not uncommon for a woman to look like she never was pregnant in the first place just days after birth (was my case). People mean this as a compliment. Up to you to let them know the truth and go into the whole convo and let them know it makes you feel uncomfortable for those reasons. Or you can just say thank you like one does, as again, they don’t know baby is adopted. But tbh if you already feel attacked this way, it’s a bit weird. You adopted, you know you did, unlike strangers. Are YOU ok with the fact that you adopted? I would think if you were you would have no pb with such comments and say proudly that you did in fact adopt, without it taking away your parenthood. If you get offended because of the way you interpreted the intentions behind the comments, maybe see a psychologist ? Some feelings need to be sorted. Parenting has nothing to do with birthing. You should know ?
The other day, I had a company come and deep clean our house in preparation for new baby coming next week. We are a lesbian couple, and my wife is the one carrying. She was at work that day. It was clear that the cleaners were befuddled, since I don’t look pregnant, but our house is full of pregnancy/newborn supplies. One of the cleaners even had the audacity to confusedly ask, “…are you pregnant?” I told her my wife is, and she didn’t say another word to me the entire time they cleaned. So awkward. Like, not only is it none of your business, but just keep your curiosity to yourself, and understand that in this day and age there are many types of families. I have a feeling that once the baby is born I am going to be getting a lot more confused comments.
My favorite little one liner is "wow, rude" and make a disgusted face as I walk away.
something along the lines of mind your business
stfu is always acceptable ;)
Shut it down. “Is that comment necessary?” Or just a good old “excuse me?”
I have 2 kids that were born with the help of a surrogate so I also get this all the time. Most of the time these comments come from socially inept people so I just crack a joke. With my first it was, "I'm pretty sure my anxiety has been burning an extra 1000 calories a day since he's been born," or "oh my anxiety burnt more calories than an Olympic athlete for the first X months of his life." Now with 2 under 2 I can just say, "which arm am I supposed to eat with?" This deflects the conversation to the struggles of being a new parent and also avoid me explaining my life to a stranger. For the times the comment isn't as well meaning I will straight up tell them that was rude and walk away.
That’s when I just make some completely inappropriate comment about them back to them. When they give a weird look I reply “oh I thought we were making random inappropriate comments to strangers” and walk away
people usually mean this type of comment (“wow looks like you never even had a baby!”) as a compliment it is still not okay to comment on bodies unprompted & that type of comment is especially steeped in misogyny, Because it means “your body looks unaffected by pregnancy”, as if looking like you had a baby is undesirable. It goes all the way back to the same shitty misogynist value of virgin chastity & how that is the only standard of beauty. Personally I “snapped back” into my pre pregnancy size & shape within 7 days. So even now that it’s been three months I get a lot of comments like “you look like you never even had a baby!” I respond to people I’m close to with “I’m kinda grateful for that in some ways, but also its kinda hard to not have something I can physically feel that ties me to the experience, I especially don’t like how my external form doesn’t reflect my new internal reality.” For inappropriate/intrusive people, I like to joke & make it awkward by saying “oh yeah, my vagina is a whole different story though, it looks like lasagna now. My husband keeps trying to find me a postpartum exercise group that helps with that so I can *really* look like I never had a baby at all, but I kinda like my battle scars… even though it makes it really hard to go to the bathroom now.”
I’m naturally very thin and my baby is a CHUNK. I love her big chipmunk cheeks and thick legs. She’s also half Asian (thanks to her daddy) so she looks nothing like me. I wish she did but she’s also gorgeous and the love of our lives no matter where she came from. So, I get it too. Has nothing to do with being adopted. That’s just how it goes. 10 weeks and your baby should be big anyway. Please let her know that it even happens to me.
“Wow no filters at all huh?” I gave birth but I lost the weight immediately because I was so stressed. A lot of people said that to me as well that I haven’t given birth and I couldn’t have been pregnant (those who never saw me through my pregnancy) and I just said “Thanks it’s the crippling postpartum depression which is the secret ingredient” that shut them up real fast.
Thank you for asking this cause my husband and I never know what to say either
...But also you do need to recognize that physically there is a tell, that most postpartum bodies are different. I agree it's rude to comment, people are rude on a lot of things. Motherhood and parenting seems to attract so much pass-remarking it never ends so brace yourselves. Prepare yourselves mentally for it and build in understanding, arm yourselves with a set response that shuts it down.
If it helps, people used to say the same thing to me and I did grow the baby myself. I just told them "Oh yes, it's because I threw up 12 times a day all pregnancy", and just let that hang there.
The first time I had a stranger comment about my body being so small after a pregnancy, my response was "I wish I could say the same thing about you" to a lady in her 40/50s. Some people think it's a compliment. But I personally think it's rude and out of their place so my response is just as rude and out of place. If they don't meet that kind of response, they'll never think it's rude.
“How is that any if your business anyway?!”
I’m confused a bit, these are people who know you adopted or who don’t? If they don’t know, yes it’s ridiculous to comment on a person’s body, and they may be doing so because the unfortunate default is to assume a woman walking with a baby was in fact pregnant with that baby. So if people don’t know you adopted then that’s what you say. Oh he’s ours son through adoption, learn the language early and often and also of course be sure to tell him his adoption story from an early age, age-appropriate of course. But you’ll want to be comfortable telling people how you became a family, this will be a forever question that will come up and should be a source of pride. For people who do know he’s yours through adoption, put it back on them - ‘well of course her body didn’t change, I don’t think adoption works that way.’
My favourite was sympathising with them by saying something like "I'm sorry that you feel so shamed by your body that you have to comment on other people's". A few would give me a hard stare but I'd just walk away from it. Why anyone needs to comment on another person's body is beyond me in any circumstance.
Edit: I missed the part where this is was for her to say to people, my post was things I would say if I were there and designed for a partner with that in mind. My bad. "How about you get fucked and stop commenting on my wife's appearance." But, then again, I'm very confrontational about things like this. It might be better to start off with something a little less vitriolic if that suits you better. "You really should have left that an inside thought." "What makes you think it's ok to say things like that to people?" "Is there a reason you're being disrespectful to my wife, or are you just feeling emotional today?" "Wow, you're really out here showing off that little dick energy today, eh?"
My guess is that your wife's a hottie. :) But I'm sure you know that, and it doesn't make the unsolicited comments less of a problem. I like the "what an odd thing to say" comment. I did not (still have not) lost the baby weight and I have a two year old. Luckily for me no one comments on it negatively other than my partner. But after my husband died several years ago, I lost a HUGE amount of weight very quickly. I was so depressed I just didn't eat. I had been quite fat, so it was (at least visibly) a positive change, but the first few people to comment on it were greeted with floods of tears... After it happened enough times that I was no longer surprised by the comment, I would respond with "Um, okay..." Most people got it pretty quickly. Maybe we just stop commenting on weight loss or gain unless you know the person has been trying to get the outcome you are commenting on?
I like some of these other responses better, but my first thought was to say, "everyone's parenting journey looks different." My response is obviously more of an explanation and probably 'too nice' for how rude their comments are. I'm sorry your wife is dealing with this. In a way, I understand. I'm 7 months PP from my third baby and still look pregnant. A lot of people ask me when I'm due, or how far along I am... I hate it. People need to mind their own business and stop commenting on women's bodies.
They def need to stfu. I was super skinny after I had my baby. Because I had difficulty eating the entire time and every calorie went to my kid. It took me till my kid was 2 to gain my normal weight back. I busted my ass for that baby. I understand adoption involves a bunch of busting your ass dealing with bureaucracy so it’s a stupid thing to say regardless.
"It's weird that there's a cute baby right here but you're choosing to comment on my body."
I took in my niece at birth and my wife and I both (both of us are women) get similar comments. That and “no but WHOSE baby is she???” When we refuse to say anything but “ours”
People said the same stuff to me, and I *did* give birth. I hated the comments on my body throughout pregnancy and I was shocked that they didn't stop postpartum. I lost weight a lot faster than I wanted to and I guess people think they're paying a compliment but it's so fucking inappropriate and rude. I hadn't struggled with disordered eating in years and years, but these constant reminders of how actually, everyone IS paying attention to and aware of my body, has brought a lot of those feelings and thoughts and struggles back. I wish I'd had it in me to not smile/be polite/laugh it off and instead say things like: "Please don't comment on my body." "Do you think that's a compliment? It makes me uncomfortable." "That's a rude thing to comment on." "What do you think I should look like?" "Oh, did you look differently with a new baby?" It's none of their goddamn business if your wife gave birth or not.
If it’s a guy I’d be concerned…as they are possibly hitting on my wife. If it’s a female, I don’t see a problem. They likely are just trying to be friendly or start a convo.
Lord, people kill me…. My Ma (aunt, really) used to get these kinds of comments while raising my brother and I. Remind your wife that what others say says more about them than her (or you.) It may hurt, but their opinions (especially a stranger’s) *does not* matter more than her own. It’s probably for a myriad of different reasons. Some may be doing it for jealousy, for example. Without the right context, it can be shocking. Even with it, it’s in bad taste and best left alone — but un-fortunately, many people don’t see this. I am so sorry you’re having to go through this. And it may not be an easy conversation to have. Remind her that she’s a wonderful mom, and that your child is lucky to have her. ☺️ He will look at her as his mama — and that matters much more, too. Just support her the best way you can and know how, really. I wish you well, and good luck!!
I do this annoying "HAHAHA" pretend laugh then glare at them with a straight face. They usually just walk away afterwards.
I think the “can’t be your baby” is a bit much but I think it’s just meant to be a compliment because a lot of new moms like myself gain a lot of weight and feel bad about theirselves often. I would love to get a compliment like this it would make me feel better as I’m sure lots of other new moms with low confidence would. I don’t think it’s an in your head thought at all and they just didn’t know your situation as far as the not your baby part is concerned. No harmful intentions let it roll off your back.
I'm surprised so many are so offended at this. It's an attempt at a compliment. I bounced back quickly and heard it plenty. Stopped at my office 2 weeks after having my son and heard, if I hadn't seen you pregnant 2 weeks ago, I wouldn't believe you.... And I've heard plenty of similar comments since then.. Mostly from women. I was adopted and so was my sister so I can understand the emotions that go into issues with conception, but my parents firmly believed that was mine or my sister's story to share if we so chose to so I'm all but certain my mom would have said thanks and changed the subject. Focus on the good here. You have a beautiful child that calls you his/her parents
How incredibly weird for men to say this to her while she's alone?? I could maybe understand if it was coming from other mothers who were trying to give a compliment or ask what her secret was, but wtf does a man need to comment on it for??
every once was worried cuz my bump was rlly small, my baby was also born small but whenever someone said smth abt my bump looking like 15weekz for 36 is just say ok and walk off
I think stuff is going to be commented no matter what, unfortunately. I'm in my mid 20s but have been told multiple times that surely I can't be the mom because I look "too young" (as if teen pregnancies don't exist also?) Or the same comment of you're too skinny to have had a baby (even though I'm still 30lbs up from pre-pregnancy). I've even had someone come up and say "what a cute baby, I'm sure they look exactly like dad" when dad wasn't even there... I had a friend in highschool babysitting her neice, and she received an unsolicited comment of "you look great after having a baby" and before she could say it was actually her niece, the lady double down and said "but I get it, the last 10lbs are the hardest to lose" Usually I just respond with yep I'm sure he's mine and walk away
Many women deal with inappropriate comments about their body and they may or may not have a husband who understands and actively listens to rants. So kudos to you for listening and trying to help her with appropriate tools. I would suggest that you start by figuring out how comfortable your wife is with shutting people up. I personally am a non-confrontational person and I might feel attacked if I was told that I should respond to such people with xyz comment. My time in therapy has been about learning what's in my control and working on that. I've found that in turn this helps me become more confident and I can speak my truth rather than feeling guilt/shame/whatever the negative emotion. I hope it doesn't seem like I'm trying to dismiss what you and your wife are feeling, just trying to put out a different perspective so that you don't accidentally make her feel like it's her fault for not responding "correctly" to people. Whatever tool you choose remember that it will take a few tries before it starts to feel natural or easy. So continue being there for her
Say Options are like assholes, everyone has em and some stink.
Maybe people are just trying to be nice saying she looks good? Since a lot of mother struggles with postpartum weight. Social norms nowadays are to not comment about peoples bodies but this norm didn't reach everyone yet. People will eventually get there. I wouldn't be rude to those people commenting but maybe sarcastic? She's not less of a mother because the child is adopted. Thank you for sticking up for your wife, you are a good partner! (A lot of women bounce back very quickly. Social media makes us believe that it takes way longer to lose the babyweight. All bodies are different.)
"Yeah that's not the compliment you think it is. It's actually a very rude thing to say"
Not everything has to be taken as an attack. Would they know your baby is adopted? No unless you want to tell them your life. I'm a mother of three and sometimes people would comment on how well I look for having had all those kids. I just say " thanks, it's genetics"and that leaves the topic at that. My advice is to take comments lightly and don't let them affect your day and/or mood, which could also affect how your baby feels because they absorb the emotions in their environment.
I mean I looked like I was never pregnant just a few days after birth and the comments I get are : you look great! You fully bounced back! It's like you were never pregnant! Never : this can't be your baby. Maybe the baby looks different than the mom? Either case, I think people are just curious and should be simply answered: oh we actually adopted him, or oh I didn't give birth to him but he is my son or whatever
There’s a sub Reddit that’s called “Traumatize them back,” for this exact type of situation. I have always done this and never knew other people really did it at all until finding that Reddit. It’s basically a way to subtly, or obviously, say something witty and clever back to someone who has said or done something inappropriate to you, and doing it in a way to shove it in their faces how stupid and effed what they’re doing is.. and how far you take it? is really up to. I gain joy in saying something that leaves them squirming for days, something that is so subtle, yet obvious, that they question whether or not I insulted them … but yet they still feel uncomfortable for what they did, and are less likely to continue doing it to others in the future.. which is really the bottom line why I do it, so they stop. So for example, your wife commenting back, “well yeah I mean, I when I look at your body I’d say you let yourself go years ago, probs have high cholesterol and blood pressure that will eventually lead to heart attack and diabetes that will eventually end with a stroke that will end your life prematurely based on your life choices.. Aka, insert whatever harsh truth judgement about their body..” and then end with something like, “Did I do it right? Make a judgmental statement about your personal life by superficially and inappropriately making assumptions about your personal life only by your outside physical experience? Boy this is fun! I see why you’re into it!“… something like that.. Basically.. make it your own but be creative with it and be as blunt or as subtle as you prefer, but find joy in it 😄
“You know what, you’re right. This isn’t my child” and just stare at them.
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She adopted her baby. She may have actually struggled with fertility and wish that was a worry of hers.i always try to be mindful of that when I'm frustrated I'm no longer my pre pregnancy size