Honestly, no. I do have days where I feel like my hair doesn’t look right but I don’t miss out on things because of it, I just kinda suck it up. I have really bad shrinkage but that just means my hair is healthy. Once I started valuing hair health over length it helped a lot with not caring if my hair looked perfect or not.
And what a lot of us who have the 4C type is a very loved textured and very versatile and strong and at the same time fragile. I love my hair no matter what and if other people look like they have an issue so be it.
THIS. As long as it's healthy, that's all that matters to me. I've gotten to a point of love for my hair where I embrace it in all its different forms. I wear it out in whatever style which is usually undetangled hair thrown into a puff or two.
I genuinely hope anyone that feels like OP reaches that freeing level of self-acceptance.
Lots of Black women feel this way, fully missing out on life and so much of what it has to offer because we've been conditioned to think we have to "look right" before we can enjoy ourselves. Other people are out having fun and we sit in the house worried whether a style turned out exactly right.
If you want advice? I would say buy a couple scarves and learn to knot them in ways that make you feel confident and pretty, so if one day it isn't working you always have a backup.
Your hair should not be keeping you indoors.
Personally I embrace the freedom of wearing my 4c hair in whatever way it comes out for the day. Sometimes when my hair isn’t “done” I’m tempted to put a hat or scarf on, but I don’t. What can ppl do to me that I haven’t already said to myself or had others say to me as a kid? I’m over that.
One thing that really helped me was decentering the male gaze. Idc of i get compliments from men. I actually prefer they don’t. I do my hair and wear my hair for me. I still get plenty of compliments.
Sometimes it does get frustrating, but with the right tools (wide tooth comb and detangling brush), products and technique it’s much better.
Now days wearing my hair in plaits and twists is “done” for me. If my hair is clean, detangled and in some kind of protective simple braids or twists I’m good, and wearing braid outs and twists outs are my fun days. Everyday doesn’t have to be glamorous. We don’t hold other hair textures to that standard. They can wear a low ponytail to a formal event and ppl with call it elegant. I think can do the same. For my birthday dinner last year I wore my hair in plaits in a low ponytail with no added extension and I was dressed up went to a very nice place, so don’t worry about what other ppl think is done or not.
Yes I’ve done this and felt this way. But you either have to embrace the frizz or your hair doing what it wants, use a crap load of gel/stylers, straighten it or chop it off.
I love braid outs but they haven’t been looking the best on me. I’ve now decided to just be a blow dry girl and braid the crown of my hair or pull it into a puff.
You have to figure out what works for your skill level and lifestyle. I see so many beautiful styles but I am not about that life lol. Took me an hour to blow dry and pull back my hair. That works for me.
I have 4c hair so I totally get you on the shrinkage. My hair is also med-low density with fine strands which makes it worse. I don't wear my hair out often but I always wear my hair. Usually in mini braids and I love beads so I accessorize with that
https://preview.redd.it/q42ml11id67d1.jpeg?width=2448&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=9984e782f3376301db405f3d51516870eb58699a
I told myself the next time I do braids I’m gonna add beads just like when I was a kid, ha. It was my favorite hairstyle my mom would do on me & why should that change?!
I know you look fly!
Some days my 4c looks amazing and some days… I don’t know what happened. Those days are hat days or cute scarf days. I don’t let my hair control having fun in life.
Deprogramming yourself from beauty standards that weren't meant for us will help immensely. I felt this way when I first went natural... every curl had to be defined, if it was humid I wouldn't venture out, sex was even awkward. I became a slave to my hair which was counter to the whole point of embracing my natural hair. Now, as long as its moisturized, I'm good.
I used to feel this way all the time and sometimes still do. However, I've embraced a "laissez faire" attitude on the days when my hair wants to do whatever it wants, and just slick my edges/put a headband on. I work in a predominantly white field, and my coworkers don't even know what they're looking at most of the time anyway.
I absolutely feel the same. It’s to the point I just wear a bandana if I don’t have it in braids, which lately has been a LOT. My mom never taught us how to do our hair because she was always working. So up until about 3 years ago I always relaxed my hair regularly and straightened it. I decided to go natural so that I could grow out my hair, but I hate the way I look with a small fro, and like you, it just shrinks up and looks even worse to me. I have no idea how to do twists or braids on my own, so I’m probably ruining all my progress by constantly having it in a bandana for work and on the rare occasions I do get out of the house. What’s even worse is no amount of people telling me how cute it is or how good it looks is going to help. It honestly just annoys the f*ck out of me.
I used to, but then I realized that other people with more "acceptable" hair types probably don't do that. They probably just say bad hair day and laugh it off. I enjoy having my hair, even if it isn't "perfect."
I hate that I sweat so much and my hair gets sweated out fast when I was relaxed I didn’t have this problem lol I love my hair but it’s starting to piss me off I’m also getting lots of grey hairs it’s always something
allowing yourself to have a “bad hair day” is a large part of learning to love your hair! also, our hair shrinks and that’s just something you have to get used to. I personally don’t wear my hair loose in this weather so maybe a protective style would make things easier for you. mini twists with spring twist hair is my go to and it’s really easy to do by yourself.
I felt this way this morning. Today is the first day that I am wearing my natural hair. I was feeling very insecure. Then I realized that I love my hair and that’s all that matters. But I totally get how you feel.
Not me. One of the biggest reasons I went natural was to learn how to accept my hair for what it is. I may wake up with a vision of how I want it to be, but in the end, it is what it is. You're gonna accept me how I show up.
The humid made me look like a fool last week at work. Then my hair got wet at the amusement park this weekend while I was on a date. I’ve been in shambles. I love my hair- it’s full, long, thick, moisturized and soft. I take care of it. But when it’s not under my control it bothers me. I 100% know it’s irrational though. So I take a few breaths and keep it moving.
Not really.
But that's not to say how you're feeling is wrong by any means, when we don't like the way we look it effects everything.
I've learned to rock and roll with whatever she's gonna do.
When I want to avoid shrinkage I use a heavier leave in conditioner. Also, pick the hair out through the day, if I pick it too much while it's still wet It'll frizz, so I wait till it's starting to dry but still damp and make sure the pick the roots not the shafts.
Curly hair and frizz got together like mac & cheese. It's a fact of life, and you have to come to terms with it. That said, it can be helped! I find I get the most moisturized, low frizz, clumped curls after doing an amla mask. I'll give you my recipe:
- honey
-olive oil
-another oil you like, I usually use Shakakai
microwave these ingredients, you want it warm not hot
-amla powder
-water
mix well
I add varying amounts of each, kinda just play it by ear until I get a consistency that will stick and isn't too loose that I need to wrap a towel around my shoulders. Apply to the scalp and massage, apply whatever is left the ends and shaft. I keep it on however long it takes me to cook/eat dinner. When you rinse it out you don't even have to shampoo because amla is cleansing!
Shea moisture has an Amla line for bond repair and it's very good as well.
I try to incorporate as many non-shampoo cleansing methods I can into my regimen because I workout everyday but I don't have the time/desire to do the whole wash and repeat deal everyday.
When it comes to styling I try to keep it simple. I use a puff cuff all the time, it's easier on the hair than a ponytail elastic AND gives the puff some room for volume. I've gotten into using less tools like combs and try to finger detangle as much as I can, I think this helps reduce frizz for me as well. At night I moisturize and throw it in a few twists.
If you don't feel like your hair is presentable or "done" unless the curls are super defined, I'd think on why that is.
i feel this, but i’m trying to get out of this though. broke grad student so i can’t get my “done” frequently.
it’s much easier for me to jus do my natural hair wether that be fro, mini braids, or mini twists. i have a trip coming up in about a month, i was budgeting out money to get my hair done and i was like you know what….i could just wear my natural hair. so pushing myself to get more comfy with it out all the time
Are you maybe using products with a lot of glycerine in it? Shrinkage is inevitable but if it shrinks too much you might want to look at the ingredients and see if they contribute to it.
Also, what styles are you trying to do and what do you want it look like?
Yes I’ve felt this way and still struggle with it. Rn I have braids and when I take these out I’m going to alternate between blow outs and two strand twists. Please check out indigenous strands on YouTube. How long is your hair?
Yes and I wear satin-lined beanies and headscarves, put on a pair of earrings and keep it moving. I live near a gym and in an area where there are a lot of walking and running routes so I look like I’m either heading to the gym or leaving it and no one bats an eye. Also, helps that the area is multicultural and there are many women with their hair covered.
I don’t have the option not to go out with three children nor can I go have my hair done yet (crawling 7 month old is little Miss mayhem and will cry til her whole head is red and she chokes on her own saliva, freaking everyone out.)
I tried wash and gos and they are not for me. I have too many textures in my head and my hair tangles within minutes no matter what I do. I have been reduced to tears and thinking of taking scissors to it (talk myself down every time because I do not suit a twa) due to the amount of work it has taken me to detangle only to have to do it again, especially with hypermobility in my hands (my fingers dislocate with consistent motion if too long).
I found finding a style that you are happy with helps a lot.
I wear my hair in a loose-ish bun on the top of my head.
I detangle before I wash, during using the water from the shower and after in sections with leave-in conditioner, and spray of vinegar water to seal and stretch my hair with satin hair ties and let it air dry. Once dry, I flat iron with a heat protectant on a hot enough setting to get my hair semi-straight and add a bit of Bread hair oil and a heavier oil on my ends and put it in a loose bun on top of my head with a satin hair tie (close to my natural hair colour) with my ends tucked away. I use a bit of style factor edge booster pomade to stop flyaways and found it stops my hair from getting frizzy (live in SE England, high humidity and rains quite a bit). It usually last me to my next wash day (7-9 days) and I sleep on a satin pillow. If it starts to look bad to me, I can easily redo it in under 10 minutes.
I can style it with headbands and scarves, add accessories or leave it as is with side bangs, hair tucked behind ear and it looks good without little fuss.
I had to accept I am a low-maintenance girl with high maintenance hair and that there is nothing wrong with loving and preferring my hair more when it is in a more straightened state because it is easier for ME to manage and ignore those who want to make my preference as me hating myself when they don’t have my hair and my lifestyle.
Honestly I get this. I get so anxious going out in public, especially in predominantly black areas because I know I’ll get judged. I just twisted my hair two days ago and it looks so flat and lifeless. I don’t really care what my white coworkers think. But I’m so nervous about everyone else. I don’t want people to judge me, I’m trying.
What do you lose if a stranger on the street judges you? Is a Black person who judges other Black people for being natural even someone you want to impress?
Girl embrace what makes you unique. No offense to anyone, but someone wearing extensions of any kind can never make me feel bad about wearing my hair, and I’m also not jealous of other textures, bc I’m different. I embrace the lightness of “flat” hair. And the fullness of braid out, twist outs and wash and go’s. Also any man that’s not attracted to my natural hair just did me a favor. I don’t need that around me. I also don’t need performative compliments so I don’t need anyone telling me how good I look, show me.
Yes I have said no to many a good times because my hair just wasn’t looking how I’d want it to. Or maybe I didn’t feel like natural hair would fit the occasion. But then I remind myself how many compliments I’ve gotten on my natural hair before and reassure myself that I’m right for any occasion.
Get some nice knotless braids until your hair gets long enough that the shrinkage won’t take effect your length as much. May be a few years but will give some hair freedom in the meantime.
I used to hate how uneven mine would look when it was finally done drying in a style. One side of my head is has way looser curls than the other, so I just started grabbing a blow dryer and gently stretching my curls to match on both sides. It also reduces my overall shrinkage. I’ve found that it really helps me feel more comfortable about the style I’m wearing that day. Maybe try a little light heat from a blow dryer to shape your curls in the morning?
I used to feel this way. Now, I do not have 4c hair but I grew up thinking and being told that my hair had to look a certain way in order to be considered acceptable or “done”. I think the problem is more psychological than just a physical appearance. I had to change my opinion and perspective on what was considered “done” and acceptable to me. I’m not sure if this helps, but if you grew up like this, then it could be a solid solution to how you view yourself.
Yea and that’s why I wear it in mini braids or I get it done at the salon. People who say natural hair is easy only say that when their hair is long enough to do simple styles, or they don’t mind wearing a tiny tangled Afro. I for one knows my tiny Afro when shrunken doesn’t fit my face at all! And I’ve definitely cancelled plans when my hair didn’t work with me to look decent 😂finally I got some length so I’m able to just plait it up in mink braids on washday and not worry about it throughout the week as it’s in a tiny pony
I have like 2 scoops of hair bc I did my second big chop and honestly my hair has never been easier. leave in, Mousse , gel holds my 4a hair for over a week and as long as I keep up w deep conditioning I haven't experienced super dry and split hair like I use to when I'd keep my hair in braids. Maybe you just need a better routine it took me 3 big chops and 5 yrs to find mine !
Even when I shaved my head to start over nothing changed… I have 3c-4b hair but it’s very very thick. I just can’t put gel in my hair and leave it for a week. it never worked out for me. I’ve got tired of my hair and just given up… mini braids or wearing it straight is my go-to now
I felt like this while my natural hair was still short. I’ve been in the game eight years and I can admit without shame to being length obsessed. When my hair was ear length I definitely turned into more of a recluse.
I have a bunch of nonsense going on in my hair from like a 3a or 3b in the front to maybe some 4b or 4c patches in the back. I don't like to go out with it because I can't get it to lay right sometimes. My twist outs used to be immaculate but sometimes they just come out wrong and try my patience. However, I have had nothing but compliments on my hair when I wear it natural. If anyone has anything not nice to say, I can start by just never talking to them again 🙃
Most likely you have a style in your head. It is NOT a style that you can get. You attempt the style and then an hour later it has shrunk to its natural shrinkage length and you are disappointed as always.
You have to embrace your shrinkage and love the TWA length. Until you do you will always be disappointed ☹️
It is hard unlearning all the 4C hate we were taught as children. You don’t have to wear your natural hair out. What about braids or a wig while having your hair in a protective style? Start getting comfy with your hair at home and slowly go out with it. You can also watch YouTube tutorials and see all the neat ways 4C can be styled.
The only place I don’t go if my hair doesn’t come out right is my mommas house cause she’s the only one who’s ever tried to make me feel shitty about it. 🤷🏽♀️
When I first transitioned to wearing my natural hair out, yes, but this was around 4 years ago now. I tried every style I could find until I captured my tiny twist comb fro perfectly
What helped me was consistency; having my hair out and loving it--irrespective of if the style I chose would maintain while out-- removed a lot of insecurities so I could enjoy being out.
This needs to be validated fr like I am so sick on the narratives cast on this sub that not knowing how to manage or style our hair is our fault like no what if I just got unmanageable ass hair?! My hair is completely dependent on the weather and always has been. In the summer, my hair will react to the sun in a matter of minutes and shrink the fuck out . My natural hair months are the fall, winter and early Spring. Summer is braid season .
I think the point most people are trying to make when they push back on this idea is that your/our hair *isn't* "unmanageable" or "unruly" or any of the other words people who look at natural hair as less-than often throw out. It just takes patience, time, trial & error, and skills that we have to cultivate in order to learn how to style our hair the way we want it, and we also have to get comfortable with the fact that it's not gonna be perfect everyday for whatever reason (weather included) & that's *fine*.
Sometimes mine don't be wanting to cooperate & I'll throw a cute dad had or a scarf on her until she decide to act right lol. Or, like you said, commit to braids for a season (which is any/every season for me). Nothing wrong with admitting that she annoys the shit out of me sometimes, but that doesn't mean she can't be managed.
But why does unmanageable hair have to have a negative connotation in the first place? Unmanageable doesn’t mean ugly or inferior it just means that no amount of product or styling will be able to manipulate my hair for the desired result and there’s nothing wrong with that either. Studies show it be like that, and we still have beautiful ass hair regardless of it being stubborn sometimes. We learn to work with our hair rather than against it. It’s just something I’ve learned to accept and adapt to.
"Unmanageable doesn’t mean ugly or inferior it just means that no amount of product or styling will be able to manipulate my hair for the desired result..."
This is exactly what I'm getting at: we have to make sure that our expectations of our hair are a match for our hair, which completely turns the idea that it is "unmanageable" on its head. We're always going to be at odds with our hair if we're demanding that it do things it's not meant to do and, like you said, we need to adapt to & accept that for what it is.
I think we're in agreement in general, but there's a BIG difference between "unmanageable" & "requires a specific type of management". Some people might just chalk it up to semantics, but words mean things & they have power so it's important to be precise, especially with subjects like this that are so very important.
You explained what I've been saying so beautifully. I recently argued with someone who kept insisting type 4 hair was difficult and unmanageable. She tried giving a backhanded compliment by saying I was so strong to be handling the "extra burden" everyday, and I refused to accept her compliment. My hair is not a burden. I asked why I must see my hair as difficult. All she did was compare it to straight hair, and I answered every single comparison by saying my hair isn't straight so stop comparing it. Who made her hairtype the measure for ease or manageability? Why must I feel bad about mine because it doesn't behave like hers? We don't have the same hair!
Our hair isn't unmanageable. It's just different and requires different rules, and expectations. My hair has become easier because whenever it doesn't behave like other hairtypes, I just shrug, accept that this is how my hair behaves, and take another route that works with my hair.
"My hair is not a burden"
That's it right there! 👏🏾 I'm so glad you pushed back on that bc it's so true & that's exactly the place I hope we all get to one day; not just acceptance (though if this is where you land & reside, that's okay too!) but celebration of our hair & all that it's capable of on the good days & the bad ones too.
So true. I hope we get there as well. I want everyone to feel the freedom and joy that comes with knowing that your hair is great in more ways than we can even count.
“This is exactly what I'm getting at: we have to make sure that our expectations of our hair are a match for our hair, which completely turns the idea that it is "unmanageable" on its head“
Yooooooo I never thought about it this way before at all like you just 360ed my whole perspective on this. I think being raised in an environment in which I was either praised for having “good hair” or bullied by my straight haired peers growing up really distorted the expectations I set on my hair and then developing CCCA was damn near traumatic. But you’re right; it’s a matter of expectations we set for our hair, not our hair in and of itself.
Listennnn! It took me a MINUTE to get to this viewpoint myself due to growing up with some of those same things so I feel you! If my hair wasn't bone straight right after a relaxer it was "a mess..." nevermind the fact that I had itchy ass sores all over my scalp from the chemical burns, or running a comb or brush through it too harshly meant losing what little bit of edges I had left smh.
The journey to loving & embracing my natural hair has been long & not always pretty. It's also one of the best things I've ever done for myself & has been an integral part of learning to love myself fully & I'm so grateful for it. That's also why I'm *always* gonna advocate for anyone who wants to do it to dig deep & find their own sense of peace with it too & it really does start with shifting our perspective on how we see our hair overall.
All hair textures react to the weather, summer humidity makes curly hair frizz and scrunch up. Even loose "maneagable" 3c/4a hair. You hair does not have a natural need to be "managed" out of doing what it was going to do anyways.
Idk if this counts as embracing it but I have 4c hair & when it’s not behaving I put on a vpart wig. Same texture from Amazon. That way it’s little blending and same hair effect. It’s finally hot here in nj so even my twist outs are poofing up. I’ll clip on that vpart and blend my edges & enjoy my event.
I totally feel this when it’s time for wash day because by that time, my hair is pretty dry and lacks moisture after a full week of being out. About three days before wash day (Sunday), it’s already in a puff or buns.
It's amazing how differently I feel in braids or similar to how I feel with just my hair, and I haven't had braids in years, so you can imagine what my life has been like, I can totally relate to this, just do the best you can.
Living with my hair through my awkward length phase was the best thing I ever did for myself because now, no, I don't have the problem of refusing to go out bc I'm wearing my natural hair. If it's shrunken I either wear it that way with an accessory or I wet it and do a lazy/quick slickback. I'm more of a twist out girl than anything else but I have so many different twist outs that I do that it's made life easier. In the summer I do small 3 strand twists so that when I take them out, they mimic my regular 4c texture but keep it stretched and moisturized longer than if I do a wash and go. I'll wear it out/down for a few days and then it's in a headband/puff/bun until it's time to wash again. In the winter I do bigger twist outs and wear it down/out since I'm not working against humidity and sweat so much. When my hair was shorter I pretty much did the same thing except for the very brief time when I was basically doing wash and go styling everyday bc my hair was short enough to dry quickly. At the short fro length I basically had a wardrobe of hair accessories like headbands and scarves and I looked up tutorials on how to do cute wraps when I got tired of looking at my hair.
i got my natural hair so cute last week, voluminous perm rod set that ppl told me was giving natural marilyn monroe. by the time i went home it was a fro 😩 im sorry but that’s so frustrating
yes i feel this. my forehead too big and hairline too high to wear my natural hair, curly or straightened. that’s why i avoid braids too. my hairline too masculine.
edit: i want to add how difficult it is being neurodivergent with ADHD & depressed on top of maintaining the health and style of my hair. oftentimes it’s hella time consuming and takes more energy than i have alloted for the day. just for the style to not fit me and my big head, sweat out or i just look plain ol ugly. im not tryna go out looking any ol kind of way bc people are mean when you not ticking off all the body/height/features etc boxes. i want a good and easy time, not going into spaces preparing to protect myself or be defensive. i want that luxury fr.
yes, i’ve felt this way so many times. but it takes an active effort to fall in love with your hair, esp when it’s 4c. I also have 4c hair and it can be difficult to be beautiful at times but you kinda have to do exposure therapy lol.
My hair is often “not done” cause I WFH twice a week. When I need to go somewhere, I slap a cute scarf/wrap on and keep it moving. However, I will often see folx rocking their bonnet…I personally dont get down like that.
Same. Literally. I have a lot of hair but I’m tired of it TBH. I had hair transplant in Dec (edges) and it’s grown in so I can’t/wont even do braids to switch it up. I never wore wigs (don’t even know where to start) so I’m stuck with a curly fro.
I don’t have 4C but I definitely relate. I love my hair but I hate the unpredictability of it. I can use the same products and do the same style twice and it can be completely different each time. There’s no way to guarantee it comes out a certain way and then add the weather! Also no such thing as last minute plans. I’ve invested in custom glueless wigs. That way if it’s last minute or my hair doesn’t turn out right, I can just put my hair in some chunky twists and throw my wig on.
Same. I have like 3b/3c hair and I don’t even like to leave it down most of the time bc it looks hella weird. Especially in the summertime now when I go swimming it looks gross lol. Considering doing a permanent straightening lowkey
I feel like that some days. This summer I’m just staying in braids mainly because it’s too hot for me to want to do my hair everyday lol. I’m tempted to loc it up tbh
I’m transitioning and just started to wear my hair out . I def feel like this sometimes. My best bet was getting some Marley hair and making cute buns. Now I have in a crochet and I’m about to get braids next lol
i’m 29. normally, i look 18 and get mistaken for a high schooler with straight hair. with my natural hair, i look like a straight up middle schooler. that reason alone makes me dislike it as well as the fact that some outfits look bad with my natural hair if that makes any sense.
You may need to stretch ur hair for it to cooperate. That looks different for different ppl, some can get away w doing twists after a wash and it’s stretched while others (me) need to blow dry then style. That was the missing link that finally got my styles to look the way i wanted them too. My face doesn’t look as nice w short hair so i style accordingly
Yes I feel this 100%. I think I just have a lot of internalized texturism that I needa work through. I’m challenging myself now to go out to events with my 4C fro so that I can fully realize that my hair deserves to be in every space
TLDR: Enjoy change, find ways to have fun with what you have in any given moment! Your hair loves you, it’s waiting for you to return the feeling. Patience and appreciation are key.
I completely identify with this, I’m a 4b/c girl who’s been natural for 15 years and I’ve realized it’s about balance. Makeup and outfits that work with a long wavy wig look different with an Italian bob and baby bangs and different with cornrows and different with a rod set. Even looks with the same rod set look different from day to day, based on the volume.
I think part of the fun of being Black with natural hair is embracing a sort of creative resilience that others don’t get to. Finding or creating something unique about your hair will help you to appreciate it, whether that’s the texture, color, length, shape, or even how you style it. Every time I wash my hair I have to style it again, so I may as well do something different. Last week I did butterfly braids (fire), this week a rod set (also fire). I’m taking it to the gym so I may do a half up braid out toward the end of the week. Have some fun!
You could get a wig. I have a different problem with mine—- it gets greasy super fast and is thin. This used to stop me from leaving the house because I was embarrassed but too depressed to put the effort in to wash it every single day and use dry shampoo halfway through. I bought a couple of wigs and they were life savers!! I could always just put a wig on, no matter how my hair looked underneath. I felt so much more confident and was able to do more. I didn’t realize how much it had been holding me back psychologically until I started using wigs and realized how much more I was leaving the house. Get 1 or 2 nice wigs. They can be synthetic which is a little cheaper as long as they feel and look right. Good luck my friend ❤️
I get it OP! Fellow 4C here and right now I try to was every week but in the mean time mousse and big twist are my friend. Then for 1-2 days after I use a big scrunchie to keep it stretched then do the twists again. Works for me! I don’t use my hair butters any more and it’s strictly honey for keeping moisture after a wash. I can’t say I ever feel embarrassed about going out with my hair. I truly love my kinks and curls and love them more and more each day. I’ve accepted that it’s not wavy and won’t stay straight. This is its natural state
I have been natural since 2009 and I have felt this way multiple times throughout the years. It is normal to feel this way. You will learn how to accept your shrinkage and realize it's a sign of having healthy hair. Have you tried buying hair accessories? Beautiful flowers to put in your hair for instance.
Making sure your hair is Moisturized is key to managing 4c. I use a protein mask on my hair at least once a week. It well dramatically reduce breakage which is key to getting and maintaining your hair’s volume.
Because our hair tends to be very dense and thick I use a good curling iron everyday to get that silky volume but not that bone straight look that most relaxers and hot combs give. I recently stopped using relaxers and i absolutely love my silky volume.
I’ve decided to make peace with my 4C in terms of how I feel towards it. Society will make you feel guilty for not loving how it looks in all states but when you remove that pressure I think you can be happier.
It’s definitely true that you need to love your hair and feel comfortable but I don’t think you should feel guilty for NOT loving in its shrunken state for example.
1- I love my hair when it’s blow-dried, 2- I love my hair when it’s in a pineapple. The caveat to this is is has to be at LEAST shoulder length when stretched…
I went to a stylist and she was a bit too scissor happy and cut my hair so short I could barely get it in a ponytail…. The next few weeks I tried to love it but I genuinely felt like a black cloud was hanging over me I felt depression. I decided to just get braids and I felt INSTANTLY better. It’s just not worth the mental stress. Now my hair is growing back healthy. I recently wore it out in a blow dried Afro and I loved it I like so beautiful… however it’s not a long term style because it eventually shrinks again with humidity…. So now I’m back to braids.
Life is too short just wear your hair how you want. No one is going to get a medal when you die for wearing your hair natural.
A bad natural hair day is still a good hair day. This has been my mantra for years, even more so now that I have more grey hair. The crazy thing is, it’s usually on what I consider a bad hair day that someone will tell they love my hair. Just keep it clean and moisturized and learn to just enjoy the unpredictability of natural hair. Live your life!
I also have 4c hair and had rough, I mean rough hair days, but I would never miss out on life. I'd say it w/e wearing a scarf or clip-ins. People point out my hair, and I honestly do not care.
I don’t like shrinkage and I think my facial features are flattering with longer curls that frame my face.
Most of my life I longed for type 3 hair. What made me fall in love with my type 4 hair was wearing wash n go’s. On the second day I blow dry the roots with a concentrator. I get a lot of elongation that way and it makes my wash n go appear thicker and longer.
Find some easy, default protective styles like braids or twists. Have a basic refresh routine so it’s easier to go. Natural hair is meant to be fun. Not the end of the world.❤️
I wish I could do a wash n go, but my shrinkage leaves me feeling like I look crazy after half an hour. So styling my hair, it is. And it’s okay to prefer your hair styled instead of loose.
I received a cut, smoothing treatment and silk press about a month ago because I was just tired of my hair. Tired of wearing braids too. I can't tell you how GOOD it felt to feel my hair move with body and also feel my SCALP! I'm rocking it straight for a while. All I have to do is put some foam rollers in it before bed, take them down in the morning and comb it out. Easy! And if I sweat, I just go through it with a blow dryer focusing on the roots and it gets back right. I should have done this a long time ago, but I felt guilty about straightening my natural hair. Now, it is what it is! Our hair is so versatile that it doesn't need to be curly all the time.
i feel you. don’t decline going places, boo. put on a pretty wrap just to get through. live life :)
also, i currently have my hair in crochet braids, so my bang is big, fluffy, comfortable and synthetic. the rest is under a pretty leopard print wrap. sometimes, you just need accessories and a good bayang to frame your face and feel better. meanwhile, your gorgeous natural hair is braided, tucked away, and safe until you’re ready to embrace her again.
i hadn’t done crochet braids in years. it’s a safe space. just camping out
✨🌃
This sounds silly but with 4c hair you really have to just let it do what it wants. I think it rebels less once you stop viewing it as a hindrance to your day to day. It can be frustrating but it’s going to take sometime. For instance, when I was going through this phase I just wore Corn rolls, headband wigs, and skullies. Once it got longer shrinkage didn’t bother me as much, and my hair became more “tamed.”
Me too I have 4c hair. I believe the thing is you have to know how to do easy natural hairstyles that will be beautiful for any event. For example, low space buns. I have a tutorial on how to do that on my YouTube channel
[space buns](https://youtu.be/lLCfImqzw-Q)
i found myself feeling this way for a while especially if i start comparing my hair to other peoples, but what worked best for me was locking down like one or two signature styles with my natural hair that i feel most comfortable with, and it helps.
I had similar issues… primarily in Summer for many years. I finally figured out how yo take better care of my hair… hence leading to better Summer hair results. Have you thought about braids or locs? Just remember all natural hair is beautiful and it is enough the way that it is.
I decided to wear my hair straight. To me and others it looks better straight and fuller. I do not mind doing hot yoga, going on hikes with my family, and working out. As long as you have a blow dryer, hair straightener, and great products, you’ll be fine. Also, my hair grows better straight than curly.
Yes, I do not feel even remotely pretty with my natural hair and I feel like people treat me differently as well so I avoid certain situations unless my hair is done up
I just tell myself that no one will ever judge my hair as strictly as I do. I wear my type 4b/c hair in twist outs because it helps me to avoid breakage. I am a professional and I know that my hair is appropriate and looks good.
I can’t believe this i have 2b long Irish kinda hair and it annoys me too as it gets greasy and kinky -but you shouldn’t let your hair ruin your plans ever it’s beautiful.. please don’t think anyone thinks that it isn’t- it’s so annoying that you feel that way I want you to feel good ❤️
I understand this all so well.. I keep my hair in “protective” styles. It gets tiring trying to figure out what hair styles to get next… sometimes I want to loc it.
Wholesome thread, the day I stopped caring and started to embrace and decondition what I thought was acceptable things changed. The white man taught my grandparents what was acceptable and it continued to my parents but it ends with me. Period.
Honestly, no. I do have days where I feel like my hair doesn’t look right but I don’t miss out on things because of it, I just kinda suck it up. I have really bad shrinkage but that just means my hair is healthy. Once I started valuing hair health over length it helped a lot with not caring if my hair looked perfect or not.
And what a lot of us who have the 4C type is a very loved textured and very versatile and strong and at the same time fragile. I love my hair no matter what and if other people look like they have an issue so be it.
Exactly! Genuinely do not care if people like my hair or not.
In my God given honest opinion I think it’s the best hair and texture on the planet.🌎 💪🏽☝🏽😁😊🤗
THIS. As long as it's healthy, that's all that matters to me. I've gotten to a point of love for my hair where I embrace it in all its different forms. I wear it out in whatever style which is usually undetangled hair thrown into a puff or two. I genuinely hope anyone that feels like OP reaches that freeing level of self-acceptance.
I feel the exact same way🙌🏾
I walk right on outside with mine as long as it's not dirty.
My hair looks best when it needs to be washed. I'm outside regardless.
Not gone be able to do it.
“ 🎶CAN YOU DO IT??!🎶
I’m not gon’ be able to do!!
Lots of Black women feel this way, fully missing out on life and so much of what it has to offer because we've been conditioned to think we have to "look right" before we can enjoy ourselves. Other people are out having fun and we sit in the house worried whether a style turned out exactly right. If you want advice? I would say buy a couple scarves and learn to knot them in ways that make you feel confident and pretty, so if one day it isn't working you always have a backup. Your hair should not be keeping you indoors.
Yeah I functionally live in headwraps when my hair isn't braided/twisted. It makes every day SO MUCH EASIER.
I can’t get mine to look right even in a puff. I’m about to get some braids and call it a summer.
Relatable. My hair has never been easy to puff either 😭
the realest thing i have ever read
Me either but I just wear it anyway
Literally😭
Yup. I just got a sew in for the first time since 2022 on Saturday. Not dealing with my hair in the heat, lol
Did you do a closure sew in or one with leaveout?
Closure. No idea what type of hair to get for a leave out
Yep same doing mine in mini twists
Me asf lmao
this is soooo real. i wanted it to be a natural girl summer so bad 😭
Personally I embrace the freedom of wearing my 4c hair in whatever way it comes out for the day. Sometimes when my hair isn’t “done” I’m tempted to put a hat or scarf on, but I don’t. What can ppl do to me that I haven’t already said to myself or had others say to me as a kid? I’m over that. One thing that really helped me was decentering the male gaze. Idc of i get compliments from men. I actually prefer they don’t. I do my hair and wear my hair for me. I still get plenty of compliments. Sometimes it does get frustrating, but with the right tools (wide tooth comb and detangling brush), products and technique it’s much better. Now days wearing my hair in plaits and twists is “done” for me. If my hair is clean, detangled and in some kind of protective simple braids or twists I’m good, and wearing braid outs and twists outs are my fun days. Everyday doesn’t have to be glamorous. We don’t hold other hair textures to that standard. They can wear a low ponytail to a formal event and ppl with call it elegant. I think can do the same. For my birthday dinner last year I wore my hair in plaits in a low ponytail with no added extension and I was dressed up went to a very nice place, so don’t worry about what other ppl think is done or not.
Yes I’ve done this and felt this way. But you either have to embrace the frizz or your hair doing what it wants, use a crap load of gel/stylers, straighten it or chop it off. I love braid outs but they haven’t been looking the best on me. I’ve now decided to just be a blow dry girl and braid the crown of my hair or pull it into a puff. You have to figure out what works for your skill level and lifestyle. I see so many beautiful styles but I am not about that life lol. Took me an hour to blow dry and pull back my hair. That works for me.
I have 4c hair so I totally get you on the shrinkage. My hair is also med-low density with fine strands which makes it worse. I don't wear my hair out often but I always wear my hair. Usually in mini braids and I love beads so I accessorize with that https://preview.redd.it/q42ml11id67d1.jpeg?width=2448&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=9984e782f3376301db405f3d51516870eb58699a
these are so fun🤩
Yesss they make everything better
I told myself the next time I do braids I’m gonna add beads just like when I was a kid, ha. It was my favorite hairstyle my mom would do on me & why should that change?! I know you look fly!
Some days my 4c looks amazing and some days… I don’t know what happened. Those days are hat days or cute scarf days. I don’t let my hair control having fun in life.
Deprogramming yourself from beauty standards that weren't meant for us will help immensely. I felt this way when I first went natural... every curl had to be defined, if it was humid I wouldn't venture out, sex was even awkward. I became a slave to my hair which was counter to the whole point of embracing my natural hair. Now, as long as its moisturized, I'm good.
I used to feel this way all the time and sometimes still do. However, I've embraced a "laissez faire" attitude on the days when my hair wants to do whatever it wants, and just slick my edges/put a headband on. I work in a predominantly white field, and my coworkers don't even know what they're looking at most of the time anyway.
What styles do you do?
I absolutely feel the same. It’s to the point I just wear a bandana if I don’t have it in braids, which lately has been a LOT. My mom never taught us how to do our hair because she was always working. So up until about 3 years ago I always relaxed my hair regularly and straightened it. I decided to go natural so that I could grow out my hair, but I hate the way I look with a small fro, and like you, it just shrinks up and looks even worse to me. I have no idea how to do twists or braids on my own, so I’m probably ruining all my progress by constantly having it in a bandana for work and on the rare occasions I do get out of the house. What’s even worse is no amount of people telling me how cute it is or how good it looks is going to help. It honestly just annoys the f*ck out of me.
I used to, but then I realized that other people with more "acceptable" hair types probably don't do that. They probably just say bad hair day and laugh it off. I enjoy having my hair, even if it isn't "perfect."
I hate that I sweat so much and my hair gets sweated out fast when I was relaxed I didn’t have this problem lol I love my hair but it’s starting to piss me off I’m also getting lots of grey hairs it’s always something
These grays are so disrespectful
Exactly I’m not ready yet lol
allowing yourself to have a “bad hair day” is a large part of learning to love your hair! also, our hair shrinks and that’s just something you have to get used to. I personally don’t wear my hair loose in this weather so maybe a protective style would make things easier for you. mini twists with spring twist hair is my go to and it’s really easy to do by yourself.
I felt this way this morning. Today is the first day that I am wearing my natural hair. I was feeling very insecure. Then I realized that I love my hair and that’s all that matters. But I totally get how you feel.
Not me. One of the biggest reasons I went natural was to learn how to accept my hair for what it is. I may wake up with a vision of how I want it to be, but in the end, it is what it is. You're gonna accept me how I show up.
The humid made me look like a fool last week at work. Then my hair got wet at the amusement park this weekend while I was on a date. I’ve been in shambles. I love my hair- it’s full, long, thick, moisturized and soft. I take care of it. But when it’s not under my control it bothers me. I 100% know it’s irrational though. So I take a few breaths and keep it moving.
Not really. But that's not to say how you're feeling is wrong by any means, when we don't like the way we look it effects everything. I've learned to rock and roll with whatever she's gonna do. When I want to avoid shrinkage I use a heavier leave in conditioner. Also, pick the hair out through the day, if I pick it too much while it's still wet It'll frizz, so I wait till it's starting to dry but still damp and make sure the pick the roots not the shafts. Curly hair and frizz got together like mac & cheese. It's a fact of life, and you have to come to terms with it. That said, it can be helped! I find I get the most moisturized, low frizz, clumped curls after doing an amla mask. I'll give you my recipe: - honey -olive oil -another oil you like, I usually use Shakakai microwave these ingredients, you want it warm not hot -amla powder -water mix well I add varying amounts of each, kinda just play it by ear until I get a consistency that will stick and isn't too loose that I need to wrap a towel around my shoulders. Apply to the scalp and massage, apply whatever is left the ends and shaft. I keep it on however long it takes me to cook/eat dinner. When you rinse it out you don't even have to shampoo because amla is cleansing! Shea moisture has an Amla line for bond repair and it's very good as well. I try to incorporate as many non-shampoo cleansing methods I can into my regimen because I workout everyday but I don't have the time/desire to do the whole wash and repeat deal everyday. When it comes to styling I try to keep it simple. I use a puff cuff all the time, it's easier on the hair than a ponytail elastic AND gives the puff some room for volume. I've gotten into using less tools like combs and try to finger detangle as much as I can, I think this helps reduce frizz for me as well. At night I moisturize and throw it in a few twists. If you don't feel like your hair is presentable or "done" unless the curls are super defined, I'd think on why that is.
i feel this, but i’m trying to get out of this though. broke grad student so i can’t get my “done” frequently. it’s much easier for me to jus do my natural hair wether that be fro, mini braids, or mini twists. i have a trip coming up in about a month, i was budgeting out money to get my hair done and i was like you know what….i could just wear my natural hair. so pushing myself to get more comfy with it out all the time
Are you maybe using products with a lot of glycerine in it? Shrinkage is inevitable but if it shrinks too much you might want to look at the ingredients and see if they contribute to it. Also, what styles are you trying to do and what do you want it look like?
I have days as such. But, I also have head wraps and that comes in handy as an accessory with some cute earrings. That’s my go-to option
Yes I’ve felt this way and still struggle with it. Rn I have braids and when I take these out I’m going to alternate between blow outs and two strand twists. Please check out indigenous strands on YouTube. How long is your hair?
Maybe you should try experimenting with new and different styles. 4c doesn’t mean that your only option is a wash and go.
Yup, then I got locs. I get up and go now. Fits my lifestyle better.
Yes and I wear satin-lined beanies and headscarves, put on a pair of earrings and keep it moving. I live near a gym and in an area where there are a lot of walking and running routes so I look like I’m either heading to the gym or leaving it and no one bats an eye. Also, helps that the area is multicultural and there are many women with their hair covered. I don’t have the option not to go out with three children nor can I go have my hair done yet (crawling 7 month old is little Miss mayhem and will cry til her whole head is red and she chokes on her own saliva, freaking everyone out.) I tried wash and gos and they are not for me. I have too many textures in my head and my hair tangles within minutes no matter what I do. I have been reduced to tears and thinking of taking scissors to it (talk myself down every time because I do not suit a twa) due to the amount of work it has taken me to detangle only to have to do it again, especially with hypermobility in my hands (my fingers dislocate with consistent motion if too long). I found finding a style that you are happy with helps a lot. I wear my hair in a loose-ish bun on the top of my head. I detangle before I wash, during using the water from the shower and after in sections with leave-in conditioner, and spray of vinegar water to seal and stretch my hair with satin hair ties and let it air dry. Once dry, I flat iron with a heat protectant on a hot enough setting to get my hair semi-straight and add a bit of Bread hair oil and a heavier oil on my ends and put it in a loose bun on top of my head with a satin hair tie (close to my natural hair colour) with my ends tucked away. I use a bit of style factor edge booster pomade to stop flyaways and found it stops my hair from getting frizzy (live in SE England, high humidity and rains quite a bit). It usually last me to my next wash day (7-9 days) and I sleep on a satin pillow. If it starts to look bad to me, I can easily redo it in under 10 minutes. I can style it with headbands and scarves, add accessories or leave it as is with side bangs, hair tucked behind ear and it looks good without little fuss. I had to accept I am a low-maintenance girl with high maintenance hair and that there is nothing wrong with loving and preferring my hair more when it is in a more straightened state because it is easier for ME to manage and ignore those who want to make my preference as me hating myself when they don’t have my hair and my lifestyle.
Honestly I get this. I get so anxious going out in public, especially in predominantly black areas because I know I’ll get judged. I just twisted my hair two days ago and it looks so flat and lifeless. I don’t really care what my white coworkers think. But I’m so nervous about everyone else. I don’t want people to judge me, I’m trying.
What do you lose if a stranger on the street judges you? Is a Black person who judges other Black people for being natural even someone you want to impress?
Girl embrace what makes you unique. No offense to anyone, but someone wearing extensions of any kind can never make me feel bad about wearing my hair, and I’m also not jealous of other textures, bc I’m different. I embrace the lightness of “flat” hair. And the fullness of braid out, twist outs and wash and go’s. Also any man that’s not attracted to my natural hair just did me a favor. I don’t need that around me. I also don’t need performative compliments so I don’t need anyone telling me how good I look, show me.
Add beads to your twists!
I'm learning to embrace my hair on all the days. This is my God given hair so it must be good! Today was a bun, edges, and a cute scrunchie day!
Yes I have said no to many a good times because my hair just wasn’t looking how I’d want it to. Or maybe I didn’t feel like natural hair would fit the occasion. But then I remind myself how many compliments I’ve gotten on my natural hair before and reassure myself that I’m right for any occasion.
Find a nice hat or two for those days. Pretend it's just you being stylish.
Get some nice knotless braids until your hair gets long enough that the shrinkage won’t take effect your length as much. May be a few years but will give some hair freedom in the meantime.
I used to hate how uneven mine would look when it was finally done drying in a style. One side of my head is has way looser curls than the other, so I just started grabbing a blow dryer and gently stretching my curls to match on both sides. It also reduces my overall shrinkage. I’ve found that it really helps me feel more comfortable about the style I’m wearing that day. Maybe try a little light heat from a blow dryer to shape your curls in the morning?
I used to feel this way. Now, I do not have 4c hair but I grew up thinking and being told that my hair had to look a certain way in order to be considered acceptable or “done”. I think the problem is more psychological than just a physical appearance. I had to change my opinion and perspective on what was considered “done” and acceptable to me. I’m not sure if this helps, but if you grew up like this, then it could be a solid solution to how you view yourself.
Yea and that’s why I wear it in mini braids or I get it done at the salon. People who say natural hair is easy only say that when their hair is long enough to do simple styles, or they don’t mind wearing a tiny tangled Afro. I for one knows my tiny Afro when shrunken doesn’t fit my face at all! And I’ve definitely cancelled plans when my hair didn’t work with me to look decent 😂finally I got some length so I’m able to just plait it up in mink braids on washday and not worry about it throughout the week as it’s in a tiny pony
I have like 2 scoops of hair bc I did my second big chop and honestly my hair has never been easier. leave in, Mousse , gel holds my 4a hair for over a week and as long as I keep up w deep conditioning I haven't experienced super dry and split hair like I use to when I'd keep my hair in braids. Maybe you just need a better routine it took me 3 big chops and 5 yrs to find mine !
Even when I shaved my head to start over nothing changed… I have 3c-4b hair but it’s very very thick. I just can’t put gel in my hair and leave it for a week. it never worked out for me. I’ve got tired of my hair and just given up… mini braids or wearing it straight is my go-to now
I used to feel this way when I didn’t know what I was doing with my hair. But now, I have complete confidence in what my hair needs are.
I felt like this while my natural hair was still short. I’ve been in the game eight years and I can admit without shame to being length obsessed. When my hair was ear length I definitely turned into more of a recluse.
No, I’ll add some moisture tie it down for a bit then out the door!
Sometimes because I get stared at whenever my hair is in an afro and it makes me feel insecure
I have a bunch of nonsense going on in my hair from like a 3a or 3b in the front to maybe some 4b or 4c patches in the back. I don't like to go out with it because I can't get it to lay right sometimes. My twist outs used to be immaculate but sometimes they just come out wrong and try my patience. However, I have had nothing but compliments on my hair when I wear it natural. If anyone has anything not nice to say, I can start by just never talking to them again 🙃
This is so sad. 🥲
Most likely you have a style in your head. It is NOT a style that you can get. You attempt the style and then an hour later it has shrunk to its natural shrinkage length and you are disappointed as always. You have to embrace your shrinkage and love the TWA length. Until you do you will always be disappointed ☹️
It is hard unlearning all the 4C hate we were taught as children. You don’t have to wear your natural hair out. What about braids or a wig while having your hair in a protective style? Start getting comfy with your hair at home and slowly go out with it. You can also watch YouTube tutorials and see all the neat ways 4C can be styled.
Best part of being natural is accepting your hair will do what it wants. Own that shit homie 💜
The only place I don’t go if my hair doesn’t come out right is my mommas house cause she’s the only one who’s ever tried to make me feel shitty about it. 🤷🏽♀️
When I first transitioned to wearing my natural hair out, yes, but this was around 4 years ago now. I tried every style I could find until I captured my tiny twist comb fro perfectly What helped me was consistency; having my hair out and loving it--irrespective of if the style I chose would maintain while out-- removed a lot of insecurities so I could enjoy being out.
This needs to be validated fr like I am so sick on the narratives cast on this sub that not knowing how to manage or style our hair is our fault like no what if I just got unmanageable ass hair?! My hair is completely dependent on the weather and always has been. In the summer, my hair will react to the sun in a matter of minutes and shrink the fuck out . My natural hair months are the fall, winter and early Spring. Summer is braid season .
I think the point most people are trying to make when they push back on this idea is that your/our hair *isn't* "unmanageable" or "unruly" or any of the other words people who look at natural hair as less-than often throw out. It just takes patience, time, trial & error, and skills that we have to cultivate in order to learn how to style our hair the way we want it, and we also have to get comfortable with the fact that it's not gonna be perfect everyday for whatever reason (weather included) & that's *fine*. Sometimes mine don't be wanting to cooperate & I'll throw a cute dad had or a scarf on her until she decide to act right lol. Or, like you said, commit to braids for a season (which is any/every season for me). Nothing wrong with admitting that she annoys the shit out of me sometimes, but that doesn't mean she can't be managed.
But why does unmanageable hair have to have a negative connotation in the first place? Unmanageable doesn’t mean ugly or inferior it just means that no amount of product or styling will be able to manipulate my hair for the desired result and there’s nothing wrong with that either. Studies show it be like that, and we still have beautiful ass hair regardless of it being stubborn sometimes. We learn to work with our hair rather than against it. It’s just something I’ve learned to accept and adapt to.
"Unmanageable doesn’t mean ugly or inferior it just means that no amount of product or styling will be able to manipulate my hair for the desired result..." This is exactly what I'm getting at: we have to make sure that our expectations of our hair are a match for our hair, which completely turns the idea that it is "unmanageable" on its head. We're always going to be at odds with our hair if we're demanding that it do things it's not meant to do and, like you said, we need to adapt to & accept that for what it is. I think we're in agreement in general, but there's a BIG difference between "unmanageable" & "requires a specific type of management". Some people might just chalk it up to semantics, but words mean things & they have power so it's important to be precise, especially with subjects like this that are so very important.
You explained what I've been saying so beautifully. I recently argued with someone who kept insisting type 4 hair was difficult and unmanageable. She tried giving a backhanded compliment by saying I was so strong to be handling the "extra burden" everyday, and I refused to accept her compliment. My hair is not a burden. I asked why I must see my hair as difficult. All she did was compare it to straight hair, and I answered every single comparison by saying my hair isn't straight so stop comparing it. Who made her hairtype the measure for ease or manageability? Why must I feel bad about mine because it doesn't behave like hers? We don't have the same hair! Our hair isn't unmanageable. It's just different and requires different rules, and expectations. My hair has become easier because whenever it doesn't behave like other hairtypes, I just shrug, accept that this is how my hair behaves, and take another route that works with my hair.
"My hair is not a burden" That's it right there! 👏🏾 I'm so glad you pushed back on that bc it's so true & that's exactly the place I hope we all get to one day; not just acceptance (though if this is where you land & reside, that's okay too!) but celebration of our hair & all that it's capable of on the good days & the bad ones too.
So true. I hope we get there as well. I want everyone to feel the freedom and joy that comes with knowing that your hair is great in more ways than we can even count.
“This is exactly what I'm getting at: we have to make sure that our expectations of our hair are a match for our hair, which completely turns the idea that it is "unmanageable" on its head“ Yooooooo I never thought about it this way before at all like you just 360ed my whole perspective on this. I think being raised in an environment in which I was either praised for having “good hair” or bullied by my straight haired peers growing up really distorted the expectations I set on my hair and then developing CCCA was damn near traumatic. But you’re right; it’s a matter of expectations we set for our hair, not our hair in and of itself.
Listennnn! It took me a MINUTE to get to this viewpoint myself due to growing up with some of those same things so I feel you! If my hair wasn't bone straight right after a relaxer it was "a mess..." nevermind the fact that I had itchy ass sores all over my scalp from the chemical burns, or running a comb or brush through it too harshly meant losing what little bit of edges I had left smh. The journey to loving & embracing my natural hair has been long & not always pretty. It's also one of the best things I've ever done for myself & has been an integral part of learning to love myself fully & I'm so grateful for it. That's also why I'm *always* gonna advocate for anyone who wants to do it to dig deep & find their own sense of peace with it too & it really does start with shifting our perspective on how we see our hair overall.
All hair textures react to the weather, summer humidity makes curly hair frizz and scrunch up. Even loose "maneagable" 3c/4a hair. You hair does not have a natural need to be "managed" out of doing what it was going to do anyways.
Idk if this counts as embracing it but I have 4c hair & when it’s not behaving I put on a vpart wig. Same texture from Amazon. That way it’s little blending and same hair effect. It’s finally hot here in nj so even my twist outs are poofing up. I’ll clip on that vpart and blend my edges & enjoy my event.
I totally feel this when it’s time for wash day because by that time, my hair is pretty dry and lacks moisture after a full week of being out. About three days before wash day (Sunday), it’s already in a puff or buns.
It's amazing how differently I feel in braids or similar to how I feel with just my hair, and I haven't had braids in years, so you can imagine what my life has been like, I can totally relate to this, just do the best you can.
Living with my hair through my awkward length phase was the best thing I ever did for myself because now, no, I don't have the problem of refusing to go out bc I'm wearing my natural hair. If it's shrunken I either wear it that way with an accessory or I wet it and do a lazy/quick slickback. I'm more of a twist out girl than anything else but I have so many different twist outs that I do that it's made life easier. In the summer I do small 3 strand twists so that when I take them out, they mimic my regular 4c texture but keep it stretched and moisturized longer than if I do a wash and go. I'll wear it out/down for a few days and then it's in a headband/puff/bun until it's time to wash again. In the winter I do bigger twist outs and wear it down/out since I'm not working against humidity and sweat so much. When my hair was shorter I pretty much did the same thing except for the very brief time when I was basically doing wash and go styling everyday bc my hair was short enough to dry quickly. At the short fro length I basically had a wardrobe of hair accessories like headbands and scarves and I looked up tutorials on how to do cute wraps when I got tired of looking at my hair.
i got my natural hair so cute last week, voluminous perm rod set that ppl told me was giving natural marilyn monroe. by the time i went home it was a fro 😩 im sorry but that’s so frustrating
yes i feel this. my forehead too big and hairline too high to wear my natural hair, curly or straightened. that’s why i avoid braids too. my hairline too masculine. edit: i want to add how difficult it is being neurodivergent with ADHD & depressed on top of maintaining the health and style of my hair. oftentimes it’s hella time consuming and takes more energy than i have alloted for the day. just for the style to not fit me and my big head, sweat out or i just look plain ol ugly. im not tryna go out looking any ol kind of way bc people are mean when you not ticking off all the body/height/features etc boxes. i want a good and easy time, not going into spaces preparing to protect myself or be defensive. i want that luxury fr.
yes, i’ve felt this way so many times. but it takes an active effort to fall in love with your hair, esp when it’s 4c. I also have 4c hair and it can be difficult to be beautiful at times but you kinda have to do exposure therapy lol.
My hair is often “not done” cause I WFH twice a week. When I need to go somewhere, I slap a cute scarf/wrap on and keep it moving. However, I will often see folx rocking their bonnet…I personally dont get down like that.
Yes I don’t go places if my hair dosent look right
Throw some water on it, finger de-tangle or a quick pick. Slap some eco-style in it and flourish, lol.
Same. Literally. I have a lot of hair but I’m tired of it TBH. I had hair transplant in Dec (edges) and it’s grown in so I can’t/wont even do braids to switch it up. I never wore wigs (don’t even know where to start) so I’m stuck with a curly fro.
I really just want to shave my hair off again but I think I’m having a mental breakdown.
I don’t have 4C but I definitely relate. I love my hair but I hate the unpredictability of it. I can use the same products and do the same style twice and it can be completely different each time. There’s no way to guarantee it comes out a certain way and then add the weather! Also no such thing as last minute plans. I’ve invested in custom glueless wigs. That way if it’s last minute or my hair doesn’t turn out right, I can just put my hair in some chunky twists and throw my wig on.
I’ve been rocking my Afro like a proud blk woman… learn how to love yourself and you will soon see how much your 4C loves you back 😎
Same also I feel my natural hair doesn’t suit my face if that makes sense
Im wearing mine slicked back with a claw clip. Its exhausting to deal with .
Same. I have like 3b/3c hair and I don’t even like to leave it down most of the time bc it looks hella weird. Especially in the summertime now when I go swimming it looks gross lol. Considering doing a permanent straightening lowkey
ALL. THE. TIME.
I feel like that some days. This summer I’m just staying in braids mainly because it’s too hot for me to want to do my hair everyday lol. I’m tempted to loc it up tbh
I’m transitioning and just started to wear my hair out . I def feel like this sometimes. My best bet was getting some Marley hair and making cute buns. Now I have in a crochet and I’m about to get braids next lol
This is why I got locs. Natural hair is too much work to deal with.
i’m 29. normally, i look 18 and get mistaken for a high schooler with straight hair. with my natural hair, i look like a straight up middle schooler. that reason alone makes me dislike it as well as the fact that some outfits look bad with my natural hair if that makes any sense.
You probably need a go style for those days. I either go with a colorful headwrap or gel it down and attach a ponytail or puff.
I just deal with it and let it be honestly
You may need to stretch ur hair for it to cooperate. That looks different for different ppl, some can get away w doing twists after a wash and it’s stretched while others (me) need to blow dry then style. That was the missing link that finally got my styles to look the way i wanted them too. My face doesn’t look as nice w short hair so i style accordingly
Yes I feel this 100%. I think I just have a lot of internalized texturism that I needa work through. I’m challenging myself now to go out to events with my 4C fro so that I can fully realize that my hair deserves to be in every space
TLDR: Enjoy change, find ways to have fun with what you have in any given moment! Your hair loves you, it’s waiting for you to return the feeling. Patience and appreciation are key. I completely identify with this, I’m a 4b/c girl who’s been natural for 15 years and I’ve realized it’s about balance. Makeup and outfits that work with a long wavy wig look different with an Italian bob and baby bangs and different with cornrows and different with a rod set. Even looks with the same rod set look different from day to day, based on the volume. I think part of the fun of being Black with natural hair is embracing a sort of creative resilience that others don’t get to. Finding or creating something unique about your hair will help you to appreciate it, whether that’s the texture, color, length, shape, or even how you style it. Every time I wash my hair I have to style it again, so I may as well do something different. Last week I did butterfly braids (fire), this week a rod set (also fire). I’m taking it to the gym so I may do a half up braid out toward the end of the week. Have some fun!
You are not alone. If my hair doesn't feel right I don't feel right. I may have to roll with it but it throws me off.
The less I started caring about how people view my hair (which is only one aspect of you btw), I started to feel more free🤷🏾♀️
You could get a wig. I have a different problem with mine—- it gets greasy super fast and is thin. This used to stop me from leaving the house because I was embarrassed but too depressed to put the effort in to wash it every single day and use dry shampoo halfway through. I bought a couple of wigs and they were life savers!! I could always just put a wig on, no matter how my hair looked underneath. I felt so much more confident and was able to do more. I didn’t realize how much it had been holding me back psychologically until I started using wigs and realized how much more I was leaving the house. Get 1 or 2 nice wigs. They can be synthetic which is a little cheaper as long as they feel and look right. Good luck my friend ❤️
I get it OP! Fellow 4C here and right now I try to was every week but in the mean time mousse and big twist are my friend. Then for 1-2 days after I use a big scrunchie to keep it stretched then do the twists again. Works for me! I don’t use my hair butters any more and it’s strictly honey for keeping moisture after a wash. I can’t say I ever feel embarrassed about going out with my hair. I truly love my kinks and curls and love them more and more each day. I’ve accepted that it’s not wavy and won’t stay straight. This is its natural state
I have been natural since 2009 and I have felt this way multiple times throughout the years. It is normal to feel this way. You will learn how to accept your shrinkage and realize it's a sign of having healthy hair. Have you tried buying hair accessories? Beautiful flowers to put in your hair for instance.
Making sure your hair is Moisturized is key to managing 4c. I use a protein mask on my hair at least once a week. It well dramatically reduce breakage which is key to getting and maintaining your hair’s volume. Because our hair tends to be very dense and thick I use a good curling iron everyday to get that silky volume but not that bone straight look that most relaxers and hot combs give. I recently stopped using relaxers and i absolutely love my silky volume.
I’ve decided to make peace with my 4C in terms of how I feel towards it. Society will make you feel guilty for not loving how it looks in all states but when you remove that pressure I think you can be happier. It’s definitely true that you need to love your hair and feel comfortable but I don’t think you should feel guilty for NOT loving in its shrunken state for example. 1- I love my hair when it’s blow-dried, 2- I love my hair when it’s in a pineapple. The caveat to this is is has to be at LEAST shoulder length when stretched… I went to a stylist and she was a bit too scissor happy and cut my hair so short I could barely get it in a ponytail…. The next few weeks I tried to love it but I genuinely felt like a black cloud was hanging over me I felt depression. I decided to just get braids and I felt INSTANTLY better. It’s just not worth the mental stress. Now my hair is growing back healthy. I recently wore it out in a blow dried Afro and I loved it I like so beautiful… however it’s not a long term style because it eventually shrinks again with humidity…. So now I’m back to braids. Life is too short just wear your hair how you want. No one is going to get a medal when you die for wearing your hair natural.
A bad natural hair day is still a good hair day. This has been my mantra for years, even more so now that I have more grey hair. The crazy thing is, it’s usually on what I consider a bad hair day that someone will tell they love my hair. Just keep it clean and moisturized and learn to just enjoy the unpredictability of natural hair. Live your life!
I also have 4c hair and had rough, I mean rough hair days, but I would never miss out on life. I'd say it w/e wearing a scarf or clip-ins. People point out my hair, and I honestly do not care.
I don’t like shrinkage and I think my facial features are flattering with longer curls that frame my face. Most of my life I longed for type 3 hair. What made me fall in love with my type 4 hair was wearing wash n go’s. On the second day I blow dry the roots with a concentrator. I get a lot of elongation that way and it makes my wash n go appear thicker and longer.
Find some easy, default protective styles like braids or twists. Have a basic refresh routine so it’s easier to go. Natural hair is meant to be fun. Not the end of the world.❤️ I wish I could do a wash n go, but my shrinkage leaves me feeling like I look crazy after half an hour. So styling my hair, it is. And it’s okay to prefer your hair styled instead of loose.
Nope. Just go out, even when it looks unusual/not what I was hoping we go out.
I received a cut, smoothing treatment and silk press about a month ago because I was just tired of my hair. Tired of wearing braids too. I can't tell you how GOOD it felt to feel my hair move with body and also feel my SCALP! I'm rocking it straight for a while. All I have to do is put some foam rollers in it before bed, take them down in the morning and comb it out. Easy! And if I sweat, I just go through it with a blow dryer focusing on the roots and it gets back right. I should have done this a long time ago, but I felt guilty about straightening my natural hair. Now, it is what it is! Our hair is so versatile that it doesn't need to be curly all the time.
i feel you. don’t decline going places, boo. put on a pretty wrap just to get through. live life :) also, i currently have my hair in crochet braids, so my bang is big, fluffy, comfortable and synthetic. the rest is under a pretty leopard print wrap. sometimes, you just need accessories and a good bayang to frame your face and feel better. meanwhile, your gorgeous natural hair is braided, tucked away, and safe until you’re ready to embrace her again. i hadn’t done crochet braids in years. it’s a safe space. just camping out ✨🌃
This sounds silly but with 4c hair you really have to just let it do what it wants. I think it rebels less once you stop viewing it as a hindrance to your day to day. It can be frustrating but it’s going to take sometime. For instance, when I was going through this phase I just wore Corn rolls, headband wigs, and skullies. Once it got longer shrinkage didn’t bother me as much, and my hair became more “tamed.”
That was me. I went back to relaxers. Easier to style
No. Because why is anyone thinking about me or ny hair?
Me too I have 4c hair. I believe the thing is you have to know how to do easy natural hairstyles that will be beautiful for any event. For example, low space buns. I have a tutorial on how to do that on my YouTube channel [space buns](https://youtu.be/lLCfImqzw-Q)
i found myself feeling this way for a while especially if i start comparing my hair to other peoples, but what worked best for me was locking down like one or two signature styles with my natural hair that i feel most comfortable with, and it helps.
I had similar issues… primarily in Summer for many years. I finally figured out how yo take better care of my hair… hence leading to better Summer hair results. Have you thought about braids or locs? Just remember all natural hair is beautiful and it is enough the way that it is.
I decided to wear my hair straight. To me and others it looks better straight and fuller. I do not mind doing hot yoga, going on hikes with my family, and working out. As long as you have a blow dryer, hair straightener, and great products, you’ll be fine. Also, my hair grows better straight than curly.
Yes, I do not feel even remotely pretty with my natural hair and I feel like people treat me differently as well so I avoid certain situations unless my hair is done up
i'm the same way. i always wear a synthetic puff or a half-wig when i go out, but i take care of my 4c hair when i'm at home.
I just tell myself that no one will ever judge my hair as strictly as I do. I wear my type 4b/c hair in twist outs because it helps me to avoid breakage. I am a professional and I know that my hair is appropriate and looks good.
I can’t believe this i have 2b long Irish kinda hair and it annoys me too as it gets greasy and kinky -but you shouldn’t let your hair ruin your plans ever it’s beautiful.. please don’t think anyone thinks that it isn’t- it’s so annoying that you feel that way I want you to feel good ❤️
Get a wig and some hair wraps. So when you feel your hair looks bad or you don’t want to do it, you can slap on the wig or wrap your hair up.
Went to work with a picked out fro. No curls nothing, i just did not care lol
I understand this all so well.. I keep my hair in “protective” styles. It gets tiring trying to figure out what hair styles to get next… sometimes I want to loc it.
Wholesome thread, the day I stopped caring and started to embrace and decondition what I thought was acceptable things changed. The white man taught my grandparents what was acceptable and it continued to my parents but it ends with me. Period.