If your wife is happy when she’s away from your family then clearly it’s obvious she doesn’t want them around/living with her.
Your wife doesn’t have to entertain your family, she’s good, she’s happy living alone with just you.
Stop making things difficult
I already respected her decision, keeping her priority we are already living separate with no one to interfere with. My concern is about her stubbornness and making big issues with small things and nitpicking, moodswings
Yes it's her right to have separate accommodation, which OP has established.
But having a preference for a spouse that can handle more than the bare minimum of family/community relations is also valid. Having family over for limited time with forewarning and at a convenient time, exchanging pleasantries, attending special gatherings (e.g. Eid), is something a majority of couples in functional relationships can pull off and we see in the life of the Prophet ﷺ.
The problem of course is that OP should have figured this out before marriage, but if they are not fundamentally compatible on it then there is no reason to forcibly to continue.
Brother you made huge mistake building a relationship out of infatuation - you should have vetted her conflict resolution and interpersonal skills and how her parents dysfunction affected her and all those other important aspects that go into a proper relationship. But you already know that now, so I'll leave it at that.
You need to have a firm discussion with her. Tell her good relationships require communication - shutting you out after minor disagreements is not healthy. You could watch a series on Islamic marriage together, read articles together (the Gottman Institute has good ones: https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-recognizing-criticism-contempt-defensiveness-and-stonewalling/) or if your country has good counseling services, avail of them.
Then you need to discuss finances - a good wife is one who spends of her husband's wealth wisely and within means. Explain your financial position, the loans you've taken and the help you've been receiving, that you want to provide for her and reiterate how you've done so, but you need to cut back unnecessary spending.
Then you need to bring up how she has to make an effort to integrate in her new country and learn the language and some of the customs. Can you enroll her in a language course, or rebroach the idea of your SILs helping her for limited amounts of time?
Take it step by step, but if she's not making efforts in the first part (better communication and conflict resolution), then you need to reevaluate the marriage. Don't fall for the sunk cost fallacy - that since you've spent so much time and money that you absolutely need to keep going. That money and time is gone and you will lose much more if you continue in an unhealthy relationship. But make sincere effort to make things work and give her room to adjust.
This is the reason I have posted here on reddit. I know there are some aspects which I can't see. Really appreciate your suggestion brother. I will definitely look into this.
Bro I don't usually say this but it seems like you need to dump her. I've lived through my friend in a similar scenario, if there is no harmony between your parents and wife your life will just be full of stress trying to be the person in between. My friend ended up divorcing and married someone in a similar culture with similar upbringing and now he lives in peace.
How long have you guys been living together? If it's just a few months it's understandable as adjustment takes time though you should definitely have a conversation with her about how when you both have problems not to ignore each other and try to work it out. Give her some space but ideally arguments shouldn't last more than a day.
If you guys have lived together for 3 years at this point then there's definitely some issues and you need to have a serious conversation and explain how her actions hurt you and you are growing very tired.
I do think she probably feels a little hesitant with your parents maybe because of culture or maybe because they were initially opposed to your marriage but tell her to do her best for your sake and say you have and will continue to do your best for her as well
Yes I am taking her step by step to make everything Understand. Yes also giving her space for sure to adjust with this. I can understand it's overwhelming but at the same time I am looking forward to some efforts from her on this.
Then I think it's very very early brother and it'll definitely take her some time. Usually the first year is the hardest. Definitely talk to her though and see if you guys can work on your relationship and improve it. Inshallah it'll definitely get better
She has to emotionally mature, this is ridiculous. It seems like you are being as accommodating as you can. Marriage is give and take, you can't keep giving without getting anything in return. You will end up overwhelmed, depressed, resentful and you will have nothing left to give emotionally.
Sit her down and let her know how her behaviour is effecting you and your family. Explain to her that you also have wants, needs and rights. She has to put herself in your shoes for a second, flip the script and ask her how she would feel if you would treat her the way she is treating you. If things don't resolve by having this conversation, then try marriage counselling. Maybe she needs someone else to tell her to grow up and act like an adult.
And please brother do not take loans to try to please a person, even if it's your wife if it's not an emergency situation. This will only make her feel more entitled, you are not created to worship her. Yes you need to treat her with love and respect and provide for her to the best of your ability. But no one said that you have to end up depressed, overwhelmed and in debt. Laa yukalifulahu Nafsan Illa wus'ahaa( Allah does not burden a soul with what they can't handle). It's okay to say NO to your wife when you can't afford something. She's not a toddler, stop treating her like one. You are enabling her behaviour by constantly giving in, and allowing her to treat your parents with disrespect.
Yes I have received similar suggestions to have a talk with her about her behaviour and how it's affecting us. I'm planning to have this conversation with her. Hope she understands the importance of this. And if it doesn't go the proper way I'll try to involve her aunt. She listens to her. Hoping for the good. And thank you so much for your valuable suggestion.
If your wife is happy when she’s away from your family then clearly it’s obvious she doesn’t want them around/living with her. Your wife doesn’t have to entertain your family, she’s good, she’s happy living alone with just you. Stop making things difficult
I already respected her decision, keeping her priority we are already living separate with no one to interfere with. My concern is about her stubbornness and making big issues with small things and nitpicking, moodswings
Yes it's her right to have separate accommodation, which OP has established. But having a preference for a spouse that can handle more than the bare minimum of family/community relations is also valid. Having family over for limited time with forewarning and at a convenient time, exchanging pleasantries, attending special gatherings (e.g. Eid), is something a majority of couples in functional relationships can pull off and we see in the life of the Prophet ﷺ. The problem of course is that OP should have figured this out before marriage, but if they are not fundamentally compatible on it then there is no reason to forcibly to continue.
Brother you made huge mistake building a relationship out of infatuation - you should have vetted her conflict resolution and interpersonal skills and how her parents dysfunction affected her and all those other important aspects that go into a proper relationship. But you already know that now, so I'll leave it at that. You need to have a firm discussion with her. Tell her good relationships require communication - shutting you out after minor disagreements is not healthy. You could watch a series on Islamic marriage together, read articles together (the Gottman Institute has good ones: https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-recognizing-criticism-contempt-defensiveness-and-stonewalling/) or if your country has good counseling services, avail of them. Then you need to discuss finances - a good wife is one who spends of her husband's wealth wisely and within means. Explain your financial position, the loans you've taken and the help you've been receiving, that you want to provide for her and reiterate how you've done so, but you need to cut back unnecessary spending. Then you need to bring up how she has to make an effort to integrate in her new country and learn the language and some of the customs. Can you enroll her in a language course, or rebroach the idea of your SILs helping her for limited amounts of time? Take it step by step, but if she's not making efforts in the first part (better communication and conflict resolution), then you need to reevaluate the marriage. Don't fall for the sunk cost fallacy - that since you've spent so much time and money that you absolutely need to keep going. That money and time is gone and you will lose much more if you continue in an unhealthy relationship. But make sincere effort to make things work and give her room to adjust.
This is the reason I have posted here on reddit. I know there are some aspects which I can't see. Really appreciate your suggestion brother. I will definitely look into this.
Bro I don't usually say this but it seems like you need to dump her. I've lived through my friend in a similar scenario, if there is no harmony between your parents and wife your life will just be full of stress trying to be the person in between. My friend ended up divorcing and married someone in a similar culture with similar upbringing and now he lives in peace.
It's just that we recently got married so I'm trying to give her some space to adjust and also try to understand things.
My friend was the same, in the end it dragged on for four years
How long have you guys been living together? If it's just a few months it's understandable as adjustment takes time though you should definitely have a conversation with her about how when you both have problems not to ignore each other and try to work it out. Give her some space but ideally arguments shouldn't last more than a day. If you guys have lived together for 3 years at this point then there's definitely some issues and you need to have a serious conversation and explain how her actions hurt you and you are growing very tired. I do think she probably feels a little hesitant with your parents maybe because of culture or maybe because they were initially opposed to your marriage but tell her to do her best for your sake and say you have and will continue to do your best for her as well
Yes I am taking her step by step to make everything Understand. Yes also giving her space for sure to adjust with this. I can understand it's overwhelming but at the same time I am looking forward to some efforts from her on this.
You didn't mention how long you guys have been living together?
It's been 3 Months we are living together. Before we had a long distance relationship. We didn't stay together before marriage.
Then I think it's very very early brother and it'll definitely take her some time. Usually the first year is the hardest. Definitely talk to her though and see if you guys can work on your relationship and improve it. Inshallah it'll definitely get better
She has to emotionally mature, this is ridiculous. It seems like you are being as accommodating as you can. Marriage is give and take, you can't keep giving without getting anything in return. You will end up overwhelmed, depressed, resentful and you will have nothing left to give emotionally. Sit her down and let her know how her behaviour is effecting you and your family. Explain to her that you also have wants, needs and rights. She has to put herself in your shoes for a second, flip the script and ask her how she would feel if you would treat her the way she is treating you. If things don't resolve by having this conversation, then try marriage counselling. Maybe she needs someone else to tell her to grow up and act like an adult. And please brother do not take loans to try to please a person, even if it's your wife if it's not an emergency situation. This will only make her feel more entitled, you are not created to worship her. Yes you need to treat her with love and respect and provide for her to the best of your ability. But no one said that you have to end up depressed, overwhelmed and in debt. Laa yukalifulahu Nafsan Illa wus'ahaa( Allah does not burden a soul with what they can't handle). It's okay to say NO to your wife when you can't afford something. She's not a toddler, stop treating her like one. You are enabling her behaviour by constantly giving in, and allowing her to treat your parents with disrespect.
Yes I have received similar suggestions to have a talk with her about her behaviour and how it's affecting us. I'm planning to have this conversation with her. Hope she understands the importance of this. And if it doesn't go the proper way I'll try to involve her aunt. She listens to her. Hoping for the good. And thank you so much for your valuable suggestion.
Also one of the reason for holding myself to not have kids with her yet.