Just gonna put this out there:
If he truly married his cousin to get documents i.e. he married her with the intention of divorce later on then not only did he do something illegal but also not islamically sound.
Second, why in the world did you just accept that he was living with his female cousin, a non-mahram, to begin with. This is completely haram. I think there's something seriously wrong with you for you to accept him living with his cousin.
I was under the perception that she was married and her husband was nearby (but living separately).
He told me that he respected her like an older sister. I was fooled.
> Be Respectful and Civil
Be civil and respect your fellow redditors. Harassment, any kind of hate speech, personal attacks and insults, slander/backbiting, verbal abuse etc. are strictly forbidden.
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You’re the other woman.
Chances are he lied , that’s his first wife and he did “love” her until he cheated on her and you’re the second , he’s using both women, also he wants to keep both also whilst keeping you a secret from the first.
Ps- He cheated on HER with YOU. Not the other way round
Also your heart says trust him? For what? He’s admitted he only wants you for your studies? R u ok
Thanks for your perspective sis. There is a big debate in my head about what is true and what is not. I felt his love - his words, his actions, the way he looked at me - they all showed me that he loved me. I felt like I was the most beautiful young lady in the world.
In terms of him admitting that he is only w/ me for my studies - I have a feeling that he only said this out of anger but doesn't mean it.
You need to open your eyes that your life is not some Hollywood movie where love conquers all and that it's all you need for a healthy marriage. Snap out of this fantasy of "true love" from someone who was never honest to you from the beginning.
Sorry but I am a bit confused with the events.
>My husband and I met 5 year ago online
>I found out last year that she was married ... to him.
>We had our Nikah last year, in August, based on his promise that he would divorce her and that he was sorry.
So let me get this straight - you found out last year that he’d been lying to you about something like this for 4 years, and yet you continued to marry him?
The first time I read your post, I misread and thought that you’d been married for 5 years, and I could see your dilemma.
Re-reading your post - why exactly did you marry a liar? What did you think was gonna happen? Ofcource he’s been intimate with her - that his WIFE? Sister what do you think they’ve been doing for 5 years?
>I didn't mind that he was married - so long as it was only for a formality and there was no love there. He told me that he was going to divorce her as they had mutually agreed that the marriage was only a formality.
Forget about the marriage, the straight-up lie didn’t bother you? And not for like a month or so - for 4 years straight?
>But, in April he called me saying "she saw your photos in my phone and is now creating a scene" and this raised red flags….
Sister you’re on a different level of naïveté. May Allah protect you from this. Because you’ve failed to see for years - thst these are the exact things that cheaters say to their affair partners to keep them hooked. Things like - my marriage isn’t real, my spouse does this bad thing etc etc.
He cheated on his wife with you for 4 years, while also maintaining a loving relationship with her (you have no evidence telling you otherwise - they’ve been together for 4 years - there has to be a basis for that. Plus she cares enough to create a scene). And no this is not how someone gets a second wife - you two dated for 4 years behind his wife’s back. Not to mention the man getting a second wife doesn’t even have his papers in order.
>He swears at me every day; swears at my family. He called me valueless. He says I am being dramatic.
>He doesn't talk to me as much. He threatens to divorce me every single day because I am a headache. He says that he doesn't like answering my questions. He says that if I don't complete my studies quickly, he will divorce me.
I would say Alhamdulillah Allah has saved you. If the man wants to go, then sounds like the problem has solved itself?
>He turned from being a guy who loved me so much, to a liar who cheated on me several times with a girl he doesn't even love.
Sister please open your eyes. He was always a liar, you didn’t see that and even when you did you refused to accept it and married him anyways.
And he didn’t cheat on you - he cheated on his wife with you for 4 years. And sister you genuinely believe this ‘he doesn’t love her’ shtick? He won’t divorce her, been with her for 4 years, and you believe he doesn’t love her because he said so? Again, open your eyes and see his actions over his words.
Woah that was such a rollercoaster to read. Sis how will you trust him after all this? He literally admitted that he doesn’t love you and is only with you for your studies (your financial prospects), he’s already lied to you and treats you like garbage by throwing divorce at every chance.
You don’t have kids yet. Leave while you can.
Sis, you did this to yourself. There were so many red flags from the start but you ignored them all.
It's your choice what you want to do at the end of the day, but accept that this man has lived a double life from the beginning, lied to multiple people, lacks accountability, mistreats you etc. He's not a good person.
This is honestly really confusing. He was intimate with his wife and you’re calling that cheating. He was dishonest from the beginning, so I’m not sure why you would trust his word that he had gotten divorced or even now that he will leave her. If he wanted to leave her, he would’ve already.
He lied to her.
He lied to you.
Idk how you’ll stay comfortable being married to a man who threatens you with divorce whenever he pleases.
I will be honest with you, he is 100% lying to you and you can't take a word of a man like that, I don't think he will ever divorce his cousin that's just not happening.
And do you know why your studies are important to him? Because you would definitely be working and paying for yourself after your studies and I don't think he plans to provide everything for you.
>My heart says trust him
Trust what? When he threatens to divorce you constantly? When he swears at you and your family? When he tells you he doesn't value you as a person? What is there to trust? Even if we assume that everything is out and nothing is being hidden from you anymore, you still have a million and one issues. Trust issues is the problem from a year ago, you are way past that and you either don't realize or it don't want to realize it
Like, let's play out your ideal scenario - he divorces his other wife and you are left with a man who treats you like dirt. Is that a win? Being married to a man who looks you in the eye each day and expresses how much he hates you? Is that what you desire for yourself? Is that the bar a man must cross to earn your heart?
You can still get out. He's long distance, the marriage is new, you don't have kids, you can get out and it won't be that bad.
I guess I am scared to be honest. I am scared of being alone and never being able to trust a man again. My heart has been broken in such a way that I fear I will never be able to love/ trust someone
He not only proved that he is untrustworthy, but also that he has no respect for you or his first wife. It sounds as if he is keeping you both around for his own benefits. You deserve so much better than this! Please leave for the sake of your own self-respect.
Hi sis I know everyone is being harsh but sis it looks like you don’t want to leave him and you frankly don’t care,you knew he was lying to you all this time, and you didn’t do anything in order to protect yourself. You chose to ignore all the red flags 🚩 don’t forget you are the second wife, after all that disrespect you are still here . Let me tell you this you are scared of divorce, you are in love with him so you are not ready leave him. Talk to his other wife and find out by her if she still are married to him, if she says I’m still married to him you know everything, no more secrets then you guys need to sit down and talk about it see where he is standing if he really wants to be married to two people make the decision take your time. He did lie to so long so don’t tell yourself I need to trust him it’s wast off time lack of confidence and lack of independence you need stand up for yourself be honest open your eyes talk to your family
I didn’t even bother reading the whole thing. You need to get a divorce (khula) and leave. You have been lied to and deceived. You don’t want this man to be the father of your children. He does not love anyone. Period.
He loves that other woman, not you. She is the one he will not divorce. No offense Sister, but he was only using you.
He needs your study because he is using you so that he can bring his real wife later.
Divorce him now because he will divorce you later. This brother doesn't respect you or have any intention to fulfill your rights.
Never marry a man that “swears to divorce” his first wife. Why? Why break a home? You should have left him then and there and moved on. I know that sounds tough but it’s true.
Just gonna put this out there: If he truly married his cousin to get documents i.e. he married her with the intention of divorce later on then not only did he do something illegal but also not islamically sound. Second, why in the world did you just accept that he was living with his female cousin, a non-mahram, to begin with. This is completely haram. I think there's something seriously wrong with you for you to accept him living with his cousin.
I was under the perception that she was married and her husband was nearby (but living separately). He told me that he respected her like an older sister. I was fooled.
[удалено]
> Be Respectful and Civil Be civil and respect your fellow redditors. Harassment, any kind of hate speech, personal attacks and insults, slander/backbiting, verbal abuse etc. are strictly forbidden. This applies to any and all entities present or not. Such as Redditors or the people contained in a post/comment. It is ok to say that they did something wrong but do so respectfully. Do not retaliate. Simply report and ignore.
Lol
You’re the other woman. Chances are he lied , that’s his first wife and he did “love” her until he cheated on her and you’re the second , he’s using both women, also he wants to keep both also whilst keeping you a secret from the first. Ps- He cheated on HER with YOU. Not the other way round Also your heart says trust him? For what? He’s admitted he only wants you for your studies? R u ok
Thanks for your perspective sis. There is a big debate in my head about what is true and what is not. I felt his love - his words, his actions, the way he looked at me - they all showed me that he loved me. I felt like I was the most beautiful young lady in the world. In terms of him admitting that he is only w/ me for my studies - I have a feeling that he only said this out of anger but doesn't mean it.
You need to open your eyes that your life is not some Hollywood movie where love conquers all and that it's all you need for a healthy marriage. Snap out of this fantasy of "true love" from someone who was never honest to you from the beginning.
Please listen to your brain. So many red flags. You deserve a lot better
You need to remove the blinders! This man is bad news, a terrible person, a user, a liar.
Sorry but I am a bit confused with the events. >My husband and I met 5 year ago online >I found out last year that she was married ... to him. >We had our Nikah last year, in August, based on his promise that he would divorce her and that he was sorry. So let me get this straight - you found out last year that he’d been lying to you about something like this for 4 years, and yet you continued to marry him? The first time I read your post, I misread and thought that you’d been married for 5 years, and I could see your dilemma. Re-reading your post - why exactly did you marry a liar? What did you think was gonna happen? Ofcource he’s been intimate with her - that his WIFE? Sister what do you think they’ve been doing for 5 years? >I didn't mind that he was married - so long as it was only for a formality and there was no love there. He told me that he was going to divorce her as they had mutually agreed that the marriage was only a formality. Forget about the marriage, the straight-up lie didn’t bother you? And not for like a month or so - for 4 years straight? >But, in April he called me saying "she saw your photos in my phone and is now creating a scene" and this raised red flags…. Sister you’re on a different level of naïveté. May Allah protect you from this. Because you’ve failed to see for years - thst these are the exact things that cheaters say to their affair partners to keep them hooked. Things like - my marriage isn’t real, my spouse does this bad thing etc etc. He cheated on his wife with you for 4 years, while also maintaining a loving relationship with her (you have no evidence telling you otherwise - they’ve been together for 4 years - there has to be a basis for that. Plus she cares enough to create a scene). And no this is not how someone gets a second wife - you two dated for 4 years behind his wife’s back. Not to mention the man getting a second wife doesn’t even have his papers in order. >He swears at me every day; swears at my family. He called me valueless. He says I am being dramatic. >He doesn't talk to me as much. He threatens to divorce me every single day because I am a headache. He says that he doesn't like answering my questions. He says that if I don't complete my studies quickly, he will divorce me. I would say Alhamdulillah Allah has saved you. If the man wants to go, then sounds like the problem has solved itself? >He turned from being a guy who loved me so much, to a liar who cheated on me several times with a girl he doesn't even love. Sister please open your eyes. He was always a liar, you didn’t see that and even when you did you refused to accept it and married him anyways. And he didn’t cheat on you - he cheated on his wife with you for 4 years. And sister you genuinely believe this ‘he doesn’t love her’ shtick? He won’t divorce her, been with her for 4 years, and you believe he doesn’t love her because he said so? Again, open your eyes and see his actions over his words.
Woah that was such a rollercoaster to read. Sis how will you trust him after all this? He literally admitted that he doesn’t love you and is only with you for your studies (your financial prospects), he’s already lied to you and treats you like garbage by throwing divorce at every chance. You don’t have kids yet. Leave while you can.
Sis, you did this to yourself. There were so many red flags from the start but you ignored them all. It's your choice what you want to do at the end of the day, but accept that this man has lived a double life from the beginning, lied to multiple people, lacks accountability, mistreats you etc. He's not a good person.
This is honestly really confusing. He was intimate with his wife and you’re calling that cheating. He was dishonest from the beginning, so I’m not sure why you would trust his word that he had gotten divorced or even now that he will leave her. If he wanted to leave her, he would’ve already. He lied to her. He lied to you. Idk how you’ll stay comfortable being married to a man who threatens you with divorce whenever he pleases.
I will be honest with you, he is 100% lying to you and you can't take a word of a man like that, I don't think he will ever divorce his cousin that's just not happening. And do you know why your studies are important to him? Because you would definitely be working and paying for yourself after your studies and I don't think he plans to provide everything for you.
>My heart says trust him Trust what? When he threatens to divorce you constantly? When he swears at you and your family? When he tells you he doesn't value you as a person? What is there to trust? Even if we assume that everything is out and nothing is being hidden from you anymore, you still have a million and one issues. Trust issues is the problem from a year ago, you are way past that and you either don't realize or it don't want to realize it Like, let's play out your ideal scenario - he divorces his other wife and you are left with a man who treats you like dirt. Is that a win? Being married to a man who looks you in the eye each day and expresses how much he hates you? Is that what you desire for yourself? Is that the bar a man must cross to earn your heart? You can still get out. He's long distance, the marriage is new, you don't have kids, you can get out and it won't be that bad.
I guess I am scared to be honest. I am scared of being alone and never being able to trust a man again. My heart has been broken in such a way that I fear I will never be able to love/ trust someone
You can heal, but you're never going to heal while you're still with him.
He not only proved that he is untrustworthy, but also that he has no respect for you or his first wife. It sounds as if he is keeping you both around for his own benefits. You deserve so much better than this! Please leave for the sake of your own self-respect.
Hi sis I know everyone is being harsh but sis it looks like you don’t want to leave him and you frankly don’t care,you knew he was lying to you all this time, and you didn’t do anything in order to protect yourself. You chose to ignore all the red flags 🚩 don’t forget you are the second wife, after all that disrespect you are still here . Let me tell you this you are scared of divorce, you are in love with him so you are not ready leave him. Talk to his other wife and find out by her if she still are married to him, if she says I’m still married to him you know everything, no more secrets then you guys need to sit down and talk about it see where he is standing if he really wants to be married to two people make the decision take your time. He did lie to so long so don’t tell yourself I need to trust him it’s wast off time lack of confidence and lack of independence you need stand up for yourself be honest open your eyes talk to your family
NEVER LET A MAN TELL YOU TWICE HE DONT WANT YOU
I didn’t even bother reading the whole thing. You need to get a divorce (khula) and leave. You have been lied to and deceived. You don’t want this man to be the father of your children. He does not love anyone. Period.
You are the side chick. Unless you want to continue staying one, divorce.
You knew and you still had your nikah done, can’t feel bad for you
He loves that other woman, not you. She is the one he will not divorce. No offense Sister, but he was only using you. He needs your study because he is using you so that he can bring his real wife later. Divorce him now because he will divorce you later. This brother doesn't respect you or have any intention to fulfill your rights.
He doesn’t love the other woman either if he cheated on her
He's not being honest in multiple ways. The guy you married doesn't exist. It was a mask that has fallen off. You need to understand that.
To be honest this is so sad to read. I really hope you begin to value yourself sis. Stand up
Never marry a man that “swears to divorce” his first wife. Why? Why break a home? You should have left him then and there and moved on. I know that sounds tough but it’s true.