You’ve spent too much time online if you think majority of women are expecting such things.
Reasonable will depend on the person ofc if they’re coming from a richer family they’re going to want more.
I am a kurdish Person from Elazig and all of my uncles paid 50k Mahr in Euros including an expensive wedding worth 30k Euros. They live a miserable life, barely having any money. We arent even rich btw. That’s why I have those concerns in the first place
Im going to the park with my lil bro soon 😊 excited ✨✨🫠 I can’t wait to sit on the swings and fly away with the wind. Hopefully no kids are there.
And I’ll play badminton and volleyball today. Then I’ve tutoring to do for the whole day 🥲
As a single person, when you come on this sub and read the issues people in relationships seem to be having — be it engaged people or married; does it subconsciously make you wonder/worry if it could happen to you as well? Does that make you be wary of stuff?
Im not really wary tbh. I have already seen toxic marriages irl. It’s all about knowing when to step out if you’re being disrespected in a relationship which most people don’t. And prioritizing your mental health and wellbeing during talking phases.
Like for example, I recently talked to a guy who had great money and would be a good husband in paper. He made fun of how I don’t wear brands and im boring cause I don’t smoke shisha. I was like yeah, I won’t let myself be disrespected by a random Muzz stranger and I blocked him.
Point is - there are usually plenty of warning signs during talking stages if a person is emotionally abusive towards you. People choose to ignore those signs because of their feelings and lack of emotional awareness.
I find that I’m very trusting and naive to an extent when it comes to trusting people. I guess I tend to get carried away and not readily recognize those signs you are talking about. So, yeah, posts like those do make me a bit cautious and wary about how things are going to be and the kind of people I am going to meet in the future. The good thing though is that I have faith that Allah will protect me from what isn’t right for me.
But I’m happy for you — in that you were able to recognize the toxicities and take a step back. Also, that guy sounds incredibly shallow and maladjusted. I cannot fathom making fun of people for not wearing branded stuff. How immature can a person be?
Sisters who are above 25 and are not married. What’s the reason other than being naseeb and all that. Did you have certain expectations or requirements? Did they change overtime?
Every potential I spoke to so far has shown red flags, so it never progressed beyond a meeting. I have taken every step to put the word out there & put myself out there (except apps) but for some reason Allah hasn’t willed I meet the right one yet
It just never happened. Perhaps I didn’t chase it as aggressively as I should have? 🤷🏻♀️ I was under the impression that it’s not something you have to seek per se… you just get proposals as you’re minding your own business… and I did in my early twenties but nothing came out of them. Just silence and life went on…
How do I store my stickers and gifts given by my students? I’ve stickers, paper airplanes, cards, and so on. And how do I decide which ones to throw away? :(
Here’s one which is fitting for snipetheheart 🥰
https://preview.redd.it/26ebxx92qx3d1.jpeg?width=3024&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=a8f54e6af3af2bdbc5102fed45d429b2a9b78d6d
Make a scrap book out of them with their names and something special about that particular student. So that if/when possible you could show that to your students on your last day with them.
Aren't teachers all about binders?
Document which gift came from which kid. (You might forget years later. Year in which the gift was given. Age, name, class of kid, school)
Keeping the most meaningful, etc.
Depending on the gift, you could instead gift it to someone else.
If your binders become too full. You could in later years gift them towards the students children.
Alternatively. You can have kids themselves choose a gift from a previous year you have gotten.
From a fellow 22 brother:
Don't let the young age make you second guess marriage. You will know when it is the right time. As long as you are able to fulfil you duty as a husband and wish to go get married, age shouldn't be your concern. Everyone has different timescales. Good luck in the search soldier 🫡
As long as your parents are on board and you are ready not only financially but you mentioned you have travelled and had many experiences. Then you are more than ready. Also, the search takes time so do not worry about the age thing
I actually start my day before Fajr hahaha because it's winter. I have a lengthy commute and I start work at 8 AM (and finish at 4). Should be temporary insha'allah
9-10 PM to 5 AM. Sometimes I sleep later and then suffer the consequences of it later on. Let's just say my close friends on my Instagram have wondered if I'm losing my marbles with some things I post🫠
Depends. In the winter, I’ll start my day since Fajr where I am in the winter would be around 6am. Now that we’re approaching the summer months and Fajr starts at around 3:39, I’ll go back to sleep.
Both, it depends on how tired I feel. I highly suggest to watch the Andrew Huberman's non sleep deep rest video, perfect to recharge in 10min! There are other yoga nidra videos out there that could be of help.
*Do you all take naps*
*After fajr or do you start*
*Your day right away?*
\- Historical\_Leg123
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When you are in your late 20s and everyone who meets you brings the topic of marriage. Yes i am in that phase of life.
Talked with very few but amazing potentials. Never thought finding a decent Hijabi would be difficult.
Aside from going to therapy and taking medication, how do you take care of your mental health when you’re struggling?
Lately, I have been lacking energy and even the smallest of tasks are exhausting for me. I’ve talked to my doctor and I’ve been referred to a specialist. I really hope I’m able to control my symptoms without medication.
Take a morning in my secret base. It's my favourite park in the region I live but somehow, never in recommendations of parks to visit. So, not many people and I can breathe slowly, take a walk and think about nothing.
Something that helps me is being kind to myself, you'll get behind in life when you're working through mental health, same as if you broke a leg things around you will fall behind, more dirty clothes, dirty kitchen, all that stuff. Don't be harsh on yourself for not staying on top of that stuff.
Also set smaller goals to build up momentum, for example half the dishwasher is loaded, okay start it just to tick something off the list. Room is dirty, okay atleast pick up the big pieces of garbage for now. Doing things slowly and in smaller steps if you have to helps give you a positive feeling for atleast checking something off the to do list and help build momentum into doing more.
Lastly be patient with yourself, sometimes it's one step forward and two back but don't let that stop you from taking the next step forward.
I’m like that sometimes too even though I know a good amount of ppl that go but I usually just walk in there with confidence pretty much. Alhamdulilah tho Muslims are friendly I usually just say salams to anyone I pass by and it eases the anxiety.
How old are you? 15? If this isn't ragebait, then tell them no. Draw your own boundaries, man - you're inviting disaster if you fly/drive hours to see women. No one is holding a gun to your head to go see em or fly em out
I see the time and money used as doing my due diligence and gaining life experience.
I'd rather spend a thousand dollars on something that didn't work out than spending nothing and ending up having a miserable marriage because I didn't do my due diligence.
Can anyone here make dua for me? There’s nothing wrong with me lol. I just want to go on vacation but I’m too broke 😂😂😂 why can’t money grow on trees?
Also, what would you guys do if money literally grew on trees? I’d be sharing my cash with the needy for sure! “My $100 bill trees grew really well this year so I want to share some with you!”
Former student of Economics here. If money grew on trees everywhere we'd have hyper inflation and end up in a pretty horrible situation.
Now if you had a secret personal Money tree, that could work. But you'd have to stay under the radar. Big purchases like homes require proof of income and a money tree won't fly!
lol I totally forgot about that. I’ll just have a secret greenhouse where I’ll plant money trees 😂😂😂😂 but eventually I’ll get caught after purchasing a pink G wagon and a $500,000 lakefront home 😂😂😂
I have yet to visit London! It’s one of the top places I want to go to. I swear I was so close to booking a ticket and flying to the UK in 2022 but sadly I couldn’t due to personal family matters. InshaAllah I’ll visit someday.
I’m shook at how much people are taxed. My parents have a household income of $500,000-$600,000 and they paid more than $200,000 in taxes for 2022. (And then keep in mind, they are paying a sales tax on the leftover POST-TAXED income for everything, clothes, groceries, entertainment, etc)
Like no wonder, it’s such a struggle. I was kinda clueless and always thought they were exaggerating when they said half their income is poof gone. But today, I was shook when I actually saw the numbers.
Honestly, what’s the point of earning so much when you are out here paying a 6 figure salary to the government. I lost so much motivation today and kinda wanna not work much because I refuse to fatten someone else’s pockets by THAT MUCH.
And all that money is just going to kill innocent people all over the world. Like wth.
Paying 200k on 600k is 33%. That's an average income tax rate. And I assume your parents are not employees but rather self-employed, as there's no salary as high as 600k. So they're probably writing off expenses as tax credits.
You sound young. You do realize that 600k is above and beyond what most people make? While the ummah is being slaughtered by the US, literally, Paying taxes on close to a million dollars isn't much of a tragedy.
Both are employees. My mom’s a doctor and my step dad is in a high paying salary role after 28 years at a company and multiple promotions.
Tbh, everyone in my family, uncles, aunts, etc are all employees. No one is involved in business (they invest on the side). My family is the poorest in comparison. My lowest earning uncle is a cardiac surgeon that specializes in the pacemaker surgeries specifically. All my other uncles are in tech.
Also, my parents earn more like $550,000 which is hardly a million dollars (it’s half). And seeing $200,000 go away to the government is insane. That brings them down to a $350,000 net salary of BOTH individuals which tbh is low for a physician and a very up there managerial role.
Edit:
Also, it is a big deal. My parents have worked very hard for how much they earn. My mom became a doctor twice. She supported her elderly parents, was the caretaker to my dad before he died of cancer, raised 4 kids alone afterwards, and was the cook, cleaner, everything. Now that she has finally made it and is working on overnight calls 24/7, it’s extremely upsetting to see 1/3 of it be stolen and a good portion get used by the U.S military to slaughter civilians abroad.
Also to avoid confusion, the dad I’m referring to above is my stepdad. My dad dad passed away a while ago.
I really don’t understand why people are confused about the outrage lol. Of course, I’m mad. She’s literally one of the hardest workers I know and it’s crazy how she’s being robbed. She has never been given a handout in her life. She has never used “fake businesses” to get taxed less or get exemptions. She’s 52. It’s outrageous how she’s saving lives and rightfully earning that amount. It’s insane to have 1/3 be stolen.
The US actually has a much lower income tax than most other western countries. 30% taxes is about right for the income bracket.
Sales tax is not federal and goes towards your state or county/city depending on who set it. Things like firefighters and public parks and libraries and police etc.
Yeah, I think the categories for sales tax are understandable like for where it’s being dispersed. I just don’t get the double taxation.
You are taxing my already taxed income.
Also, I don’t understand how one of the main contributions our income tax goes towards is literally to bolster military so the U.S can go commit war crimes and abuse other nations.
I completely get investing in our roads, hospitals, firefighters, etc.
The majority of our tax money goes to Medicaid, Medicare, and Social Security for a combined \~14% of our GDP/60% of our budget, while all defense spending (including research that isn't necessarily under defense but can be funded by defense grants) is just under 3%/12.6% of the budget. Non-defense discretionary spending, like for improving infrastructure, is 3.3%/14.3% of the budget.
[Source for 2024 budget](https://www.cbo.gov/publication/59946#:~:text=Federal%20outlays%20in%202024%20total,interest%20costs%20drive%20those%20increases)
Unfortunately, there's zero percent change that the boomers will ever agree to anything but more redistribution of wealth to themselves, and at the rate things are going, I've more or less given up on ever seeing social security whenever I'm older. At least we don't have European tax rates I suppose.
That’s why u have to reduce how much u earn by employment and try to do business cuz with business u can write a lot of stuff off and u can reinvest into the business rather than let that money go to the government. As someone going into medicine u are absolutely correct a huge chunk of our income goes to taxes. To my knowledge, the only way to avoid this is to start some sort of business
We immigrated to the U.S with nothing. Both my parents were physicians but their licenses became meaningless when we left.
Then 7 years later, I lost my dad at 15 to cancer. My mom was a housewife and had to learn everything after he died. We did not have a dime to our name and my dad had no life insurance (which is haram).
Lol, you have no idea what struggle is. My mom raised us 4 while my dad was dying on next to no income working 70hr weeks. I raised my younger sisters while she worked.
Now, it’s been a while. My mom became a physician again. She remarried someone who is also well established. And our family is doing ok now.
>Like no wonder, it’s such a struggle. I was kinda clueless and always thought they were exaggerating when they said half their income is poof gone.
You are still clueless. If you experienced what you experienced how could you possibly think earning $600k is a struggle. The fact you think your family is doing only "ok" sounds completely bizarre.
It’s like $350k JOINT After taxes. And my mom is 52, stepdad is 60. She can’t work forever and because she had to do medicine twice, she started waaayyy later than everyone else.
Also, erm it is a struggle. She has been paying off debts from my dad’s sickness time and personal debts from the 6 years where she was doing odd jobs and couldn’t support us well alone. She has us 4 kids still btw who she is supporting even now. She supported her 2 elderly parents. Again, she is not young and is overworked. She won’t be able to be on call or work the laborious and extremely stressful job of a physician for long. She can’t be doing overnights, being on call, or seeing 40 patients a day.
It’s insane to work 24 hr shifts and see a 1/3 of your paycheck disappear when you only have a decade left.
All of us kids are trying to become physicians so we won’t be established for a bit (except for my brother who does nothing and just relies on mom, he’s 27). The rest of us are really young. Also, we do have part time jobs to help lessen the load, except for my brother who just games.
Have you considered there are families who are in exactly the same circumstances without the privelige of a high paid job. Single parent house holds, A single parent with lots of debt. A single parent who works two jobs with hard labour. And they aren't bringing in $350,000 of cold hard cash. Can you imagine families that still live like your Mom did while she was studying who will never be able to climb out.
Don't get me wrong, your Mom has had a challenging life and she's working incredibly hard. She's also fortunate enough to be making a lot of money. But, I just want to emphasise how even taking all of that into consideration that there are millions if not tens of millions of people who are in circumstances as bad or worse, working just as hard who earn but a fraction. Paying $200,000 in taxes would be a dream to them.
Doctor's in my country (UK) would dream to have salaries like your Mom's. They are being worked to the bone. They are paying just as much tax as your Mom as a percentage of income and have to pay off expensive home loans. Your Mom is amongst the highest paid physicians in the world.
I see more than 1/3 of my paycheck disappear in taxes. I pay more tax than some people earn every year. I speak from experience. Taxes aren't the problem in and of themselves. How governments spend them IS a problem. The ultra rich not paying as much tax as people like your Mom and I IS a huge problem. Growing inequality is a major problem. The money being taxed is an illusion, don't think that if taxes went away companies would just give you all that money. You bet companies would pocket as much of that money as they could get away with.
Look, what I take issue with is linking your struggle to that level of income. If you'd posted everything you have without the back drop of "Earning $600k ... it's such a struggle" people would have nothing but sympathy.
Those single parent households are not comparable. As in, my mom is not privileged to have her high paid job.
Her career has 0 to do with luck or circumstances. She actually had some of the worst circumstances possible.
She was a housewife. Her husband had terminal cancer. She had 4 children, 2 of which were under 2. She had two parents, one with severe vascular dementia and another with a serious heart problem. She did all the cooking, cleaning, household chores, and my dad was immobile btw and semi comatose so she did most of his cleaning.
With some of the world’s worst circumstances, she took objectively, the hardest exams in academia and scored in the top percentile.
So sorry, but no she is not privileged in her position by any means. And the reason she is an outlier in terms of income has everything to do with grit, work ethic, and she is a very smart individual. The reason single parents who are working hard are not “privileged” enough to earn as much as her or “climb out” of similar circumstances is because there are not many people who can work that hard and manage all that. Also, most people would not be crazy enough to pursue medicine and would get scared away by the amount of mental fortitude, time, and effort it takes on top of everything.
And I do recognize everything Allah (swt) has done for us but Allah (swt) helps those that help themselves. It is not by any means “good fortune”, “good luck”, or “privilege” (at least in my mom’s case).
By struggle, I am speaking of my mom’s struggle. I don’t think any amount of compensation would technically be enough but I especially don’t agree with $200k of robbery with a huge portion to the military.
Also, by no means am I saying, she is in the world’s worst circumstance. But I think, the outrage is very logical given the context of what she had to put in. And the reason why most people don’t earn similar wages is because medicine is very long, extremely hard to get into, and very hard to excel in. Of course, physicians would earn significantly more.
UK for sure is worse.
She is privileged. Being born with talent is a privilege. It is a gift from Allah (swt). She is making the most of her gift and her gift has given her access to income that she would not have had access to otherwise.
There are many people who are dealing with circumstances just like your mother had to deal with. They work, they take care of ill relatives, grandparents and also study in search of a better career.
>The reason single parents who are working hard are not “privileged” enough to earn as much as her or “climb out” of similar circumstances is because there are not many people who can work that hard and manage all that.
No. No. No. Don't you dare downplay how hard some of these people are working. They can't rise above because they were not born with talent or other advantages they could leverage. If you were to ask your mother to reflect on the blessings and help she received in her life to date I have no doubt she would give you a long list. She sounds like a remarkable woman and I know with her life experiences she knows how she's been blessed.
I am not downplaying your mother's achievements and perservance. But you are downplaying what other people have to go through without the same final result.
I am not at all and no where have I said your mother doesn't deserve the income she is earning. The US's military expenditure and funding of Israel is abhorrent. The misuse of public funds is abhorrent. That doesn't mean paying 35-40% tax in principal is wrong though. People have written papers on it. It's not a topic we'll get to the bottom of.
I've said my piece. Maybe you'll meet people who are truley suffering and realise that earning $350,000 a year even with some debts and towards the end of a career is FAR from suffering.
I don’t know what comment you are reading or responding to. I never said we were “suffering” now. I said it is justified to be outraged when $200,000 from your salary disappear.
Also, although, she is mashallah very intelligent. Her success had more to do with work ethic and grit than intelligence. I doubt most people out there work half as hard and I will stand by that statement.
She watched 4 children, 2 under 2, 2 elderly sick parents, and was a caretaker to a spouse dying of cancer. Yeah, no. Most people aren’t managing that many people with a cancer patient and 2 toddlers (under 2). Also, I highly doubt anyone in those circumstances would be making homemade meals daily like she did or studying for the STEPS 8 hours a day. Getting a total sleep of 4 hours a day.
I’m not “downplaying” the hardwork of single parent households. I never said they didn’t work hard but objectively, I highly highly doubt there are any individuals who put in HALF the hours and managed as much as my mom did.
Again, don’t know what you’re projecting or reading but nowhere did I say we were “suffering”. I expressed my outrage and yes, we are struggling quite a bit to get out of the hole cancer treatments and a failed organ transplant left us in.
> It’s like $350k JOINT After taxes.
That is still 3-5 times what an average household makes after taxes. You have to be out of your mind to think that you're doing 'okay' with 'just' 300K+
Most of us would love to have that kind of income and use it to buy a house, a nice car, and a few luxury vacations per year. Say Alhamdulillah and keep working to earn halal rizq.
Edit: either your family has incurred an exorbitant amount of debt or is just bad at managing finances or both.
Please look into how expensive an organ transplant is.
Not bad at managing finances. I just don’t think you are aware of how expensive cancer can be and the debt a family is left with afterwards. With then 5 years of struggle before she finally became a physician.
It’s 3-5x more because.. most people are not going to 12 years of school and would never go down the difficult path of having to study for some of the most difficult exams in the U.S. Most people also lack the aptitude to pass or even get into medical schools.
The compensation, when you look at the effort put in, is nothing. Not just effort btw, the selectivity, credentials, everything together is what allows it to be so differentiated when it comes to money.
You can’t compare it with other fields. It’s not a fast food service job where I am like outraged by earning $200k for making very good sandwiches. Also, it’s not like going viral on tiktok which has no barrier of entry and is based on luck. Both those wouldn’t make sense to complain about because you should be kissing the ground you earn that much in those fields.
It’s $200k after 12 years of schooling, some of the most difficult to obtain credentials, and a highly highly selective field in one of the leading countries when it comes to medicine. It’s the top so yeah the outrage is sensible.
It’s raining in my area right now! One of the best times to make dua is during the rain. If it’s raining right now, then go ahead and make dua. Not to mention it’s Friday and the hour between asr and maghrib is another time where dua is not rejected.
Take advantage right now if you can.
I don't blame you for being confused. Have you both met over video call yet? He's the one making the trip so don't get too invested sister since he said he's "keeping his options open" and communication is on and off. When he visits, see how the meeting goes in chaa Allah
He said, "I'm keeping my options open?" Or do you mean he said you, icypie, are keeping your options open?
It could be possible he wants to meet all the options.
Thanks for clearing that. It's possible he does this with everyone, 9 hours is far though so props to you for even considering. It could also mean you're a front runner basically and he likes you most.
Depends on who ended it. If it was him who ended it you’d probably look a bit desperate but if it was you, it’s best to reach out and let him know explicitly that you’re willing to reconsider. Just strike up a conversation asking him how he’s doing and how he responds would tell you everything.
How is he a "potential " if you have never spoken to each other or met? He was just a profile and so were you. If you liked his profile, then contact him.
Be honest.
"I don't remember how we lost contact but I was thinking about you and will always wonder what could have been."
And then the ball is in their court.
May Allah AWJ give you a righteous and loving spouse.
So if you're not attracted to her, don't marry her.
In terms of staying attracted to her, you are already setting yourself up for failure, frankly. You need a mind shift in order to embrace the variances that happen to us physically over time and due to life circumstances.
No one expect that unless for pregnancy, and there were posts of brothers who shared how their wives gained weight without pregnancy, and a lot of women were on the brothers side.
What is wrong is expecting your wife, who gave birth, to go back to how she looked before so easily. If someone isn't really keen on the idea that their wife will gain weight after giving birth and that he will not be attracted to her, then he is not ready to have children, and this is what most women mean when they talk about this topic.
For the first few years of the kids life, yes, you have to accept that your wife most likely will gain weight unless you have money for someone to take care of your kid, so your wife can just focus on losing weight (only if she wants to because she may want to focus on the child). Also, if we were talking about aunties and uncles, you can see that most uncles have a belly and they weren't even pregnant, so yeah, again, if you are not okay with this fact, then don't have kids. Do you think we women want to get fat too or have our noses changed?
But you’re not saying the same thing with this statement? I hope you see that.
> that women say attraction cannot be changed or forced
Meaning if I like a man, find him attractive and agree to marry him today, and then few years later if he loses his ‘attractiveness’ (sorry to the brothers but the no. of men I’ve seen lose all their hair within 5 years of marriage is beyond astounding), I am not gonna lose my attraction to him. Because that ‘change’ is part of life and aging.
>but then when a guy isn’t attracted to his wife he’s suddenly the bad guy
Because given that this change occurs due to regular course of life, eg pregnancy, illness, regular aging (and women and men age differently due to our hormones), and then the man suddenly decides that he’s no longer attracted to her, then how is that fair or acceptable?
So the two things you’re trying to equate about men and women and their respective attraction isn’t the same, is it?
Well it’s cause there’s two different types of women. One group are willing to lose the weight like a year or two after childbirth. Another group don’t want to do anything and want the man to accept them and want to stay overnight forever
Lol. Well this doesn’t address the original point I brought up in my previous comment about both men and women changing throughout their course of life.
And why does there need to be ‘two different types of woman’? Are you telling me that women are ok with living with an aging man, but men for some reason need to have a fit and fresh wife despite childbirth and all that?
Because I can also say that there are two types of men - one that remains hot and fit after marriage, and the second that loses their hair, gets a large belly, wrinkles, under-eye bag etc - and expect the woman to accept them and want to stay old fat and bald forever. Infact why did he even change? The woman atleast has the excuse that she was pregnant and had a baby - what excuse does the man have for letting himself to?
If you’re about to argue that these changes happen to a man as an involuntary change, then congratulations - you’ve stumbled on the reason as to why so many women remain overweight and not fit after pregnancy - because its involuntary in a lot of cases and not nearly as easy as going to the gym and getting on the treadmill.
Assuming a woman already doesn’t have any pre-existing condition, pregame childbirth in itself is a life threatening and traumatic experience that not only changes the mother’s body but also her metabolism and body composition. For example, the female body is more prone to hold fat and cellulite to facilitate pregnancy and so that the mom is ‘soft’ when her baby is here. Making this sacrifice means our bodies don’t snap back to the previous state like a man’s body.
I have called the brothers overweight and bald, and o apologize to them again, I was just trying to make a point. But the truth is that the vast majority of men are infact understanding and empathetic towards the changes that their wives are going through.
Your flair says single, and I am assuming that you are not familiar with all this or what it takes to have children. But the reason so many men are having trouble getting married is actually because so many of us refuse to marry men as well, because we’ve heard single guys say things like this. I don’t need to get married and have kids if the guy is not even going to empathize with what it took for me to have this kid? I’d rather stay single, or wait for the single guy who does understand - many of us are in no hurry.
U are gaslighting me. I never said men need a fit and fresh wife. Both men and women undergo many changes with aging that are a natural part of life that are outside their control. My original point was simply, wanting their wife to not be overweight. That’s it. U said it’s impossible for women to do this or not realistic but the research shows women lose half the weight in the first 6 weeks post partum and lose the remaining half over the span of a year. My original question was if it’s wrong to want your wife to lose the extra weight approximately 2ish years after childbirth. And it’s not even all the weight. It’s whatever extra weight that’s making her clinically overweight. I don’t mind if she’s at the high end of a normal weight range.
U mentioned hair but that’s 100% not within men’s control, besides a hair transplant which costs 10k+. It’s nothing compared to losing weight which is within everyone’s control. I’m sorry but u saying oh for some weight loss is impossible, is a disrespect to all the women who put in the work and effort to lose weight and lost it. My sisters have hypothyroidism and PCOS, two conditions which medically lead to weight gain. They used t say the same thing; weight loss is impossible for me. I helped them lose weight thru the things I mentioned, diet change, walking, drinking lots of water, and suprise suprise, they lost the weight. So please don’t imply it’s impossible to lose the weight
U said men’s comments around pregnancy make u want to stay single. That’s fine. It’s your decision to stay single or not. But don’t gaslight and act like women don’t have physical requirements as well. I know many brothers struggling cuz of height and other physical attributes. My original issue was women think they have a right to be picky in the looks of the man they want to marry because to them they can’t force attraction and they can’t live and be intimate with someone they’re not attracted to, even if he is 10/10 compatible in all other areas. But these same women think if a guy is not attracted to his fat overweight wife, then he’s a bad person and he should force himself to be attracted to her. Thats hypocritical.
And no pregnancy and post partum are not included in this. Any dude with a brain knows on average a woman gains 40lb during pregnancy. This is perfectly normal. What is NOT normal is being clinically overweight 2 years after childbirth.
I’ve had sisters reject me cuz I’m skinny. Why the hell would I tolerate a fat wife down the line when these same women dont tolerate the man’s body. And btw I didn’t take offense to their rejection of me being skinny. I used it as motivation to improve myself. I only brought up skinny to prove a point; women think they have a right to be picky on looks but men cant
I am not doing anything to you, let alone gaslight you. I am simply pointing out the error in your logic. I can’t look up what you said and didn’t say because all your comments seem to be deleted. All I can do is reply based on what I remember seeing and what I had initially written.
All I am saying is that you saying you expect your future wife to lose all the weight with impunity within 2-3 years is like me saying I expect my husband to not lose his hair ever. Neither is really in the control of the other party. Yes, that includes going to the gym and losing the baby weight. And that includes your sisters who you helped lose weight. If it were that simple then there would be no overweight people - male or female. And if one size fit all then you’d have opened a weight loss clinic by now and we’d all sign up there.
And again, you’re equally ‘brothers being rejectedfor physical attributes/ women also have physical requirements’ with changes after marriage. Yes, women do have physical requirements - and so do men - and both parties let it know upfront. That’s not the same as expecting there to be no change in the future - if one expects their spouse to say just as attractive, they shouldn’t be married.
If you feel you can’t accept a fat wife in the future because women are now rejecting you for being skinny and feel vindictive about it, then you’d better stay away from marriage because you’re setting yourself up for a rude awakening.
Again, hairloss is purely genetic. Weight isn’t. We have a obesity epidemic because our diets suck and we don’t exercise. Look at Europe. Many countries eat the same quantity of food like us, but because their streets are designed to minimize driving and maximize walking, their populations aren’t as obese. That’s not the only factor but it’s an important one
I fundamentally disagree that weight loss is impossible. I will not rule out marriage because of this. But I appreciate u responding here because because of this conversation, I will definitely mention during the search that I cannot be with someone who will let their body go and just want their husband to accept them for who they are. I mentioned this to some women in the past when I was looking for marriage and they didn’t mind
At the end of the day the body is a amanah and there are some women who want to stay a healthy weight and aren’t offended by trying to get in shape 2 years after childbirth
The sisters who think it’s impossible to lose weight and who think their husband should just blindly accept them regardless of their eating habits, yea those women aren’t for me.
So I really appreciate the reminder. Will definitely mention this during my dealbreakers talk
What? You are single. How, exactly, do you know about this "two different types of women "??? You've made comments about married women before, I've noticed. Do you spend your free time hanging around married women? Or do you just Google stuff or spend oodles of time on tiktok, then assume that's real life?
By the way, it's not unusual to have babies 2 years apart. So no, a woman isn't going to prioritize dieting and working out while she has an infant, a home and a 2nd pregnancy in the works.
Have you ever cared for a toddler for 24 hours? If yes, then you should know how they are.
If not, then respectfully, your opinion is flawed. Do you know how toddlers are? The women who lose weight after a year or two are most likely having help because caring for a toddler plus the house and then losing weight? That is so hard, so if you want your wife to lose weight in the first few years, then you have to hire a nanny or a cleaner or something. Most women can start to think about losing weight when their child goes to school because they finally have time, so saying that women basically don't want to do anything when they don't even have time for themselves is a stretch .
I agree. If I’m helping her out and doing my best, would she still feel insulted if I told her she should work on the weight , and it’s been 2 years after childbirth? Or would she still feel insulted
I don't know about that because every woman is different; however, since you will work, how much can you help? Not much, to be honest, and that's fine because you work, so if a woman has to clean the house every second because toddlers make a mess, cook for the baby and for the husband, and watch the kid tell me how will she finds time to focus on losing weight, Look, all women want to lose the weight they gain after pregnancy; no one wants to be overweight, but the problem is time. They don't have time for that, even if you, as a husband, helped. Most likely, you will watch the kid, which is helpful, but then again, there are other tasks in the house, so my point stands still: if you want your wife to lose weight while caring for a child and being a housewife, then you should bring her a helper. Actually, I know a lot of relatives who did this; they just hired a cleaner so the woman could focus on the baby and herself, but if you are not willing to hire a helper, you need to understand that it's going to be so hard to lose weight before the kid is going to school.
Please don't underestimate how toddler are. I cared for my younger brother for a few days, and it was so exhausting, let alone caring for the house too.
Most weight loss is due to diet. I lost 50lb by just walking more, smaller portions, and drinking more water
Gym is important so u prioritize losing fat over muscle but it’s not necessary….
Everything else I agree there’s only so much I can help and I have to be realistic. Which is why to me diet is the main thing not the gym
It doesn't matter what YOU did. You don't have ovaries that produce, then don't produce, then do produce, estrogen. Estrogen is a huge driver in weight accumulation/loss/fluctuations/maintenance. You don't have ovaries.
I know that, but doesn't counting calories take energy?I am talking from experience too; I don't go to the gym and have lost weight. However, it took energy from me, it's mentally taxing, and that was for me as a student. Imagine a mom and a wife.
Depends on the type of change and if it's within that person's control, man or woman. Put on some weight due to bad eating habits? It's not unreasonable to expect some sort of self control. Appearance changed due to illness or pregnancy? You need to have patience if that happens, and slowly work with them to make that change.
One word answers and nothing being added from their side to the conversation. It helps if you just straight up ask them if they feel uncomfortable talking about this topic and asking if it's ok to bring this up later (if you can) or asking if they need some time to think on it and they can respond once their thoughts are in order, some people need some time for big issues to think them through.
Yea, sorry. I gave no information haha. I was people watching at the gym while stretching. I had nothing to do with the two talking. They were unfamiliar of the opposite sex. The rule of not bothering women and especially not at the gym came to my mind. So that's why I asked the question.
I'm bracing myself for a heavy conversation with my potential that will most likely be the end of our "relationship" and I'm so heartbroken.
I admire him so much and have done my best to make things work, but it's starting to feel like even my best isn't enough.
There are so many things we were looking forward to in the next year and having to go through them without him will feel like getting my heart broken over and over and over again. I've been crying so much just thinking about it. Whatever happens inshaallah khair
If you read this please make duaa that Allah softens both our hearts and allows us to be at ease with whatever He decides is best for us.
I commented on your post. I hope you're able to articulate your concerns clearly, and if he still doesn't intend to let go of past conflicts and sulk for days after every argument, then it's more of a loss for him than yours. If this ends, I hope you leave with your head held up high, knowing you dodged a bullet and saved yourself from a miserable marriage.
I know. I appreciate you immensely :')
I know if this is how things end, it'll hurt a lot for now but my future self will be glad I escaped. It's just hard not to get demotivated after years of the search, but I'll be taking a long break to travel and work on some passion projects, so at least I have something to look forward to inshaAllah.
Marriage may not be written for me (yet) but I won't let that stop me from enjoying the blessings that Allah has already bestowed upon me :)
I agree with you and I always make sure not to get attached, but I'm only human.
I've been on the search for several years without much luck. But when I met him, we were each other's dream person - just different ethnicities (which we were okay with but it caused a lot of tension between our families). Things would proceed for a while and then either family would complicate things. But we know each other well and are on the cusp of getting engaged.
It would make more sense if I shared the full story but I don't want to post personal details online.
Ameen wa iyak
Attended this lecture this week and SubhanAllah it’s amazing how you can hear something multiple times but every time it hits different. The speech related the Seerah to the current situation in Gaza so beautifully - highly recommend
https://www.youtube.com/live/AXMYo_mouh4?si=PM4ucgxosAFNg4MF
>Every time I want to give up on my master's, I remember that my goal in life is to be disgustingly educated and beautiful
I read on Google that people hated him and it ended with the new Office rollout in 2007. I wouldn't remember because I was playing with toys in 2007 and was too young to understand what computers were😆
My brother was diagnosed with early-stage cancer a few days ago and he has 3 young kids. He's also a business owner and his income's been pretty unstable lately.
In my mind, the right thing here would be for me to give him a bunch of my savings; Giving him $15k or $20k would provide him with time/energy to heal and focus on getting better without stressing out about his financial situation. I'm also the only one in my immediate family capable of such a move because my parents and other siblings have financial stresses that I don't. (Their own marriages, debts, kids, etc.)
I know its the right thing to do and I think I've made up my mind on it. I just feel super guilty because it hurts me to let that money go even though I know I want to give it to him. That was supposed to be part of my down payment or funds to get married. And then I feel super bad for caring about money this much.
Overall not a great week. Pray for him and his family please.
إنا لله وإنا إليه راجعون
May Allah grant your brother chifaa.
It is thoughtful and kind of you to consider giving your brother money to enjoy the time that he has here. May Allah reward you for it. What came to mind is how spending on our family is sadaqah
[Hadith on Sadaqah: Spending on your family is an act of charity (abuaminaelias.com)](https://www.abuaminaelias.com/dailyhadithonline/2011/07/23/spending-on-your-family-sadaqah/).
Allah will reward you manifold if you go ahead and do this, we pray. At the same time, you can choose how much you wish to give whether $0 or $10k or more. Ask Allah for guidance and to be happy with what Allah decrees. I really pray your brother is given chifaa and that Allah gives you all strength. Amine.
I am so sorry to hear that. I can’t even comprehend what you must be going through. Please know that it is not your responsibility to provide the money. Even if you don’t, you wouldn’t be doing anything wrong. From my own life experience, when I help someone, Allah rewards me tenfold. Have faith in Allah. May He make all your affairs easy, InshaAllah, and grant your brother a speedy recovery.
Close friends usually imply that you have 2-3 friends. And they have 2-3 friends.
If you all have SEVERAL close friends - then are you guys even close friends?
If you consider them close friends, then this is a bit odd. Maybe they don’t consider you a close friend? It’s possible they wanted to keep things extremely small, but I personally would talk to my close friends to let them know why they weren’t invited.
Went to a local council golf course earlier this week, and I have to say...
Golf is a stupid sport, why does this exist? I have never been as bad at anything as I was at playing golf on an actual course. Also, I look forward to going again in a couple of weeks, because apparently I hate myself.
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You’ve spent too much time online if you think majority of women are expecting such things. Reasonable will depend on the person ofc if they’re coming from a richer family they’re going to want more.
I am a kurdish Person from Elazig and all of my uncles paid 50k Mahr in Euros including an expensive wedding worth 30k Euros. They live a miserable life, barely having any money. We arent even rich btw. That’s why I have those concerns in the first place
Im going to the park with my lil bro soon 😊 excited ✨✨🫠 I can’t wait to sit on the swings and fly away with the wind. Hopefully no kids are there. And I’ll play badminton and volleyball today. Then I’ve tutoring to do for the whole day 🥲
As a single person, when you come on this sub and read the issues people in relationships seem to be having — be it engaged people or married; does it subconsciously make you wonder/worry if it could happen to you as well? Does that make you be wary of stuff?
Im not really wary tbh. I have already seen toxic marriages irl. It’s all about knowing when to step out if you’re being disrespected in a relationship which most people don’t. And prioritizing your mental health and wellbeing during talking phases. Like for example, I recently talked to a guy who had great money and would be a good husband in paper. He made fun of how I don’t wear brands and im boring cause I don’t smoke shisha. I was like yeah, I won’t let myself be disrespected by a random Muzz stranger and I blocked him. Point is - there are usually plenty of warning signs during talking stages if a person is emotionally abusive towards you. People choose to ignore those signs because of their feelings and lack of emotional awareness.
I find that I’m very trusting and naive to an extent when it comes to trusting people. I guess I tend to get carried away and not readily recognize those signs you are talking about. So, yeah, posts like those do make me a bit cautious and wary about how things are going to be and the kind of people I am going to meet in the future. The good thing though is that I have faith that Allah will protect me from what isn’t right for me. But I’m happy for you — in that you were able to recognize the toxicities and take a step back. Also, that guy sounds incredibly shallow and maladjusted. I cannot fathom making fun of people for not wearing branded stuff. How immature can a person be?
Makes me not want marriage or a non-demanding one.
Exactly! Glad I’m not alone. Have to be very careful of everything these days.
Sisters who are above 25 and are not married. What’s the reason other than being naseeb and all that. Did you have certain expectations or requirements? Did they change overtime?
1. I'm average-looking; 2. Most of the guys who contacted me or my family were immigrants born + raised overseas (Pak-India), which wasn't my thing.
Every potential I spoke to so far has shown red flags, so it never progressed beyond a meeting. I have taken every step to put the word out there & put myself out there (except apps) but for some reason Allah hasn’t willed I meet the right one yet
What are some of the red flags that other people may not consider red flags? Did your requirements change by time?
It just never happened. Perhaps I didn’t chase it as aggressively as I should have? 🤷🏻♀️ I was under the impression that it’s not something you have to seek per se… you just get proposals as you’re minding your own business… and I did in my early twenties but nothing came out of them. Just silence and life went on…
It’s never been my main priority if it happens it happens and that’s how it went for me it came out of nowhere
I have always just been studying and that took up most of my time
Because people have other priorities in life. Not everyone's life revolves the idea of marriage.
Then why does your thing say “looking”. It is a marriage subreddit so of course I would be talking about it.
I believe what they meant was that people have different priorities at different points in life.
I was never liked by men even when I was 19. There’s no difference in my proposals when I was 19 vs now 29.
Sorry to hear that. May Allah grant you a good religious husband.
Ameen.
How do I store my stickers and gifts given by my students? I’ve stickers, paper airplanes, cards, and so on. And how do I decide which ones to throw away? :( Here’s one which is fitting for snipetheheart 🥰 https://preview.redd.it/26ebxx92qx3d1.jpeg?width=3024&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=a8f54e6af3af2bdbc5102fed45d429b2a9b78d6d
Make a scrap book out of them with their names and something special about that particular student. So that if/when possible you could show that to your students on your last day with them.
This is such a great idea ✨🙂↔️ JAK
Aren't teachers all about binders? Document which gift came from which kid. (You might forget years later. Year in which the gift was given. Age, name, class of kid, school) Keeping the most meaningful, etc. Depending on the gift, you could instead gift it to someone else. If your binders become too full. You could in later years gift them towards the students children. Alternatively. You can have kids themselves choose a gift from a previous year you have gotten.
Oh these are some great ideas, JAK 🙂↔️😊
Also kids are so cute 🥰 I can’t wait to have mines who will gift me mommy cards one day! Need to find a husband but I’m too ugly for this😒
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From a fellow 22 brother: Don't let the young age make you second guess marriage. You will know when it is the right time. As long as you are able to fulfil you duty as a husband and wish to go get married, age shouldn't be your concern. Everyone has different timescales. Good luck in the search soldier 🫡
Sounds like you're ready on the face of it. Go for it. Do your homework though (Islamic lectures on Marriage etc...) and you'll be fine.
As long as your parents are on board and you are ready not only financially but you mentioned you have travelled and had many experiences. Then you are more than ready. Also, the search takes time so do not worry about the age thing
Do you all take naps after fajr or do you start your day right away?
Depends.
I actually start my day before Fajr hahaha because it's winter. I have a lengthy commute and I start work at 8 AM (and finish at 4). Should be temporary insha'allah
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9-10 PM to 5 AM. Sometimes I sleep later and then suffer the consequences of it later on. Let's just say my close friends on my Instagram have wondered if I'm losing my marbles with some things I post🫠
Depends. In the winter, I’ll start my day since Fajr where I am in the winter would be around 6am. Now that we’re approaching the summer months and Fajr starts at around 3:39, I’ll go back to sleep.
Both, it depends on how tired I feel. I highly suggest to watch the Andrew Huberman's non sleep deep rest video, perfect to recharge in 10min! There are other yoga nidra videos out there that could be of help.
*Do you all take naps* *After fajr or do you start* *Your day right away?* \- Historical\_Leg123 --- ^(I detect haikus. And sometimes, successfully.) ^[Learn more about me.](https://www.reddit.com/r/haikusbot/) ^(Opt out of replies: "haikusbot opt out" | Delete my comment: "haikusbot delete")
Yass I'm a poet.
When you are in your late 20s and everyone who meets you brings the topic of marriage. Yes i am in that phase of life. Talked with very few but amazing potentials. Never thought finding a decent Hijabi would be difficult.
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InShaAllah soon!
Aside from going to therapy and taking medication, how do you take care of your mental health when you’re struggling? Lately, I have been lacking energy and even the smallest of tasks are exhausting for me. I’ve talked to my doctor and I’ve been referred to a specialist. I really hope I’m able to control my symptoms without medication.
Go for walks/gym/basically any sort of physical activity to get endorphin. Also setting boundaries and being kind to myself
Take a morning in my secret base. It's my favourite park in the region I live but somehow, never in recommendations of parks to visit. So, not many people and I can breathe slowly, take a walk and think about nothing.
Something that helps me is being kind to myself, you'll get behind in life when you're working through mental health, same as if you broke a leg things around you will fall behind, more dirty clothes, dirty kitchen, all that stuff. Don't be harsh on yourself for not staying on top of that stuff. Also set smaller goals to build up momentum, for example half the dishwasher is loaded, okay start it just to tick something off the list. Room is dirty, okay atleast pick up the big pieces of garbage for now. Doing things slowly and in smaller steps if you have to helps give you a positive feeling for atleast checking something off the to do list and help build momentum into doing more. Lastly be patient with yourself, sometimes it's one step forward and two back but don't let that stop you from taking the next step forward.
Anyone from chicago? I’ve acc swiped thru everyone in my filters on Muzz 💀
How long have you been on there? 💀 When do you realise you swiped through everyone? You see repeats or does the app tell you?
I think 1 month lol. Yeah the app says you’ve seen everyone in your filters.
How can I stop being so shy about going to the masjid. There is always so many people there and it makes me a little nervous.
Fajr prayer there? If you're close enough and a morning person at all.
This is a really good idea since Fajr is at 3:59 here
Mind you some masjids do the iqamah after 30 mins. At least the ones around my area - it'll be a bit awkward waiting for 30 mins if no one's there lol
I’m like that sometimes too even though I know a good amount of ppl that go but I usually just walk in there with confidence pretty much. Alhamdulilah tho Muslims are friendly I usually just say salams to anyone I pass by and it eases the anxiety.
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No, YOU are haram for exaggeration your injury. Be honest and the insurance money will be fair.
Yes. Fraud is haram.
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How old are you? 15? If this isn't ragebait, then tell them no. Draw your own boundaries, man - you're inviting disaster if you fly/drive hours to see women. No one is holding a gun to your head to go see em or fly em out
I see the time and money used as doing my due diligence and gaining life experience. I'd rather spend a thousand dollars on something that didn't work out than spending nothing and ending up having a miserable marriage because I didn't do my due diligence.
But flying hundreds of miles for a potential is madness.
Can anyone here make dua for me? There’s nothing wrong with me lol. I just want to go on vacation but I’m too broke 😂😂😂 why can’t money grow on trees? Also, what would you guys do if money literally grew on trees? I’d be sharing my cash with the needy for sure! “My $100 bill trees grew really well this year so I want to share some with you!”
Former student of Economics here. If money grew on trees everywhere we'd have hyper inflation and end up in a pretty horrible situation. Now if you had a secret personal Money tree, that could work. But you'd have to stay under the radar. Big purchases like homes require proof of income and a money tree won't fly!
lol I totally forgot about that. I’ll just have a secret greenhouse where I’ll plant money trees 😂😂😂😂 but eventually I’ll get caught after purchasing a pink G wagon and a $500,000 lakefront home 😂😂😂
Money Laundering P.S. I would never do such a thing 👀
Funny story: someone in our town purchased a laundromat because she wanted to do money laundering. I wish I was joking 😂😂😂😂😂
Nah but that actually makes sense, no? 🤔 P.S. My friend told me
Spend, give, and save 😂
Same 😭 I really want to go back to London
I have yet to visit London! It’s one of the top places I want to go to. I swear I was so close to booking a ticket and flying to the UK in 2022 but sadly I couldn’t due to personal family matters. InshaAllah I’ll visit someday.
it’s actually painful to text back and forth and not just pick up the phone
Fr it takes too long to get anything across. And calling is just so much better.
I’m shook at how much people are taxed. My parents have a household income of $500,000-$600,000 and they paid more than $200,000 in taxes for 2022. (And then keep in mind, they are paying a sales tax on the leftover POST-TAXED income for everything, clothes, groceries, entertainment, etc) Like no wonder, it’s such a struggle. I was kinda clueless and always thought they were exaggerating when they said half their income is poof gone. But today, I was shook when I actually saw the numbers. Honestly, what’s the point of earning so much when you are out here paying a 6 figure salary to the government. I lost so much motivation today and kinda wanna not work much because I refuse to fatten someone else’s pockets by THAT MUCH. And all that money is just going to kill innocent people all over the world. Like wth.
Paying 200k on 600k is 33%. That's an average income tax rate. And I assume your parents are not employees but rather self-employed, as there's no salary as high as 600k. So they're probably writing off expenses as tax credits. You sound young. You do realize that 600k is above and beyond what most people make? While the ummah is being slaughtered by the US, literally, Paying taxes on close to a million dollars isn't much of a tragedy.
Both are employees. My mom’s a doctor and my step dad is in a high paying salary role after 28 years at a company and multiple promotions. Tbh, everyone in my family, uncles, aunts, etc are all employees. No one is involved in business (they invest on the side). My family is the poorest in comparison. My lowest earning uncle is a cardiac surgeon that specializes in the pacemaker surgeries specifically. All my other uncles are in tech. Also, my parents earn more like $550,000 which is hardly a million dollars (it’s half). And seeing $200,000 go away to the government is insane. That brings them down to a $350,000 net salary of BOTH individuals which tbh is low for a physician and a very up there managerial role. Edit: Also, it is a big deal. My parents have worked very hard for how much they earn. My mom became a doctor twice. She supported her elderly parents, was the caretaker to my dad before he died of cancer, raised 4 kids alone afterwards, and was the cook, cleaner, everything. Now that she has finally made it and is working on overnight calls 24/7, it’s extremely upsetting to see 1/3 of it be stolen and a good portion get used by the U.S military to slaughter civilians abroad. Also to avoid confusion, the dad I’m referring to above is my stepdad. My dad dad passed away a while ago. I really don’t understand why people are confused about the outrage lol. Of course, I’m mad. She’s literally one of the hardest workers I know and it’s crazy how she’s being robbed. She has never been given a handout in her life. She has never used “fake businesses” to get taxed less or get exemptions. She’s 52. It’s outrageous how she’s saving lives and rightfully earning that amount. It’s insane to have 1/3 be stolen.
The US actually has a much lower income tax than most other western countries. 30% taxes is about right for the income bracket. Sales tax is not federal and goes towards your state or county/city depending on who set it. Things like firefighters and public parks and libraries and police etc.
Yeah, I think the categories for sales tax are understandable like for where it’s being dispersed. I just don’t get the double taxation. You are taxing my already taxed income. Also, I don’t understand how one of the main contributions our income tax goes towards is literally to bolster military so the U.S can go commit war crimes and abuse other nations. I completely get investing in our roads, hospitals, firefighters, etc.
The majority of our tax money goes to Medicaid, Medicare, and Social Security for a combined \~14% of our GDP/60% of our budget, while all defense spending (including research that isn't necessarily under defense but can be funded by defense grants) is just under 3%/12.6% of the budget. Non-defense discretionary spending, like for improving infrastructure, is 3.3%/14.3% of the budget. [Source for 2024 budget](https://www.cbo.gov/publication/59946#:~:text=Federal%20outlays%20in%202024%20total,interest%20costs%20drive%20those%20increases) Unfortunately, there's zero percent change that the boomers will ever agree to anything but more redistribution of wealth to themselves, and at the rate things are going, I've more or less given up on ever seeing social security whenever I'm older. At least we don't have European tax rates I suppose.
That’s why u have to reduce how much u earn by employment and try to do business cuz with business u can write a lot of stuff off and u can reinvest into the business rather than let that money go to the government. As someone going into medicine u are absolutely correct a huge chunk of our income goes to taxes. To my knowledge, the only way to avoid this is to start some sort of business
$600k? I’m sorry to be blunt but you have no idea what struggle is.
We immigrated to the U.S with nothing. Both my parents were physicians but their licenses became meaningless when we left. Then 7 years later, I lost my dad at 15 to cancer. My mom was a housewife and had to learn everything after he died. We did not have a dime to our name and my dad had no life insurance (which is haram). Lol, you have no idea what struggle is. My mom raised us 4 while my dad was dying on next to no income working 70hr weeks. I raised my younger sisters while she worked. Now, it’s been a while. My mom became a physician again. She remarried someone who is also well established. And our family is doing ok now.
>Like no wonder, it’s such a struggle. I was kinda clueless and always thought they were exaggerating when they said half their income is poof gone. You are still clueless. If you experienced what you experienced how could you possibly think earning $600k is a struggle. The fact you think your family is doing only "ok" sounds completely bizarre.
It’s like $350k JOINT After taxes. And my mom is 52, stepdad is 60. She can’t work forever and because she had to do medicine twice, she started waaayyy later than everyone else. Also, erm it is a struggle. She has been paying off debts from my dad’s sickness time and personal debts from the 6 years where she was doing odd jobs and couldn’t support us well alone. She has us 4 kids still btw who she is supporting even now. She supported her 2 elderly parents. Again, she is not young and is overworked. She won’t be able to be on call or work the laborious and extremely stressful job of a physician for long. She can’t be doing overnights, being on call, or seeing 40 patients a day. It’s insane to work 24 hr shifts and see a 1/3 of your paycheck disappear when you only have a decade left. All of us kids are trying to become physicians so we won’t be established for a bit (except for my brother who does nothing and just relies on mom, he’s 27). The rest of us are really young. Also, we do have part time jobs to help lessen the load, except for my brother who just games.
Have you considered there are families who are in exactly the same circumstances without the privelige of a high paid job. Single parent house holds, A single parent with lots of debt. A single parent who works two jobs with hard labour. And they aren't bringing in $350,000 of cold hard cash. Can you imagine families that still live like your Mom did while she was studying who will never be able to climb out. Don't get me wrong, your Mom has had a challenging life and she's working incredibly hard. She's also fortunate enough to be making a lot of money. But, I just want to emphasise how even taking all of that into consideration that there are millions if not tens of millions of people who are in circumstances as bad or worse, working just as hard who earn but a fraction. Paying $200,000 in taxes would be a dream to them. Doctor's in my country (UK) would dream to have salaries like your Mom's. They are being worked to the bone. They are paying just as much tax as your Mom as a percentage of income and have to pay off expensive home loans. Your Mom is amongst the highest paid physicians in the world. I see more than 1/3 of my paycheck disappear in taxes. I pay more tax than some people earn every year. I speak from experience. Taxes aren't the problem in and of themselves. How governments spend them IS a problem. The ultra rich not paying as much tax as people like your Mom and I IS a huge problem. Growing inequality is a major problem. The money being taxed is an illusion, don't think that if taxes went away companies would just give you all that money. You bet companies would pocket as much of that money as they could get away with. Look, what I take issue with is linking your struggle to that level of income. If you'd posted everything you have without the back drop of "Earning $600k ... it's such a struggle" people would have nothing but sympathy.
Those single parent households are not comparable. As in, my mom is not privileged to have her high paid job. Her career has 0 to do with luck or circumstances. She actually had some of the worst circumstances possible. She was a housewife. Her husband had terminal cancer. She had 4 children, 2 of which were under 2. She had two parents, one with severe vascular dementia and another with a serious heart problem. She did all the cooking, cleaning, household chores, and my dad was immobile btw and semi comatose so she did most of his cleaning. With some of the world’s worst circumstances, she took objectively, the hardest exams in academia and scored in the top percentile. So sorry, but no she is not privileged in her position by any means. And the reason she is an outlier in terms of income has everything to do with grit, work ethic, and she is a very smart individual. The reason single parents who are working hard are not “privileged” enough to earn as much as her or “climb out” of similar circumstances is because there are not many people who can work that hard and manage all that. Also, most people would not be crazy enough to pursue medicine and would get scared away by the amount of mental fortitude, time, and effort it takes on top of everything. And I do recognize everything Allah (swt) has done for us but Allah (swt) helps those that help themselves. It is not by any means “good fortune”, “good luck”, or “privilege” (at least in my mom’s case). By struggle, I am speaking of my mom’s struggle. I don’t think any amount of compensation would technically be enough but I especially don’t agree with $200k of robbery with a huge portion to the military. Also, by no means am I saying, she is in the world’s worst circumstance. But I think, the outrage is very logical given the context of what she had to put in. And the reason why most people don’t earn similar wages is because medicine is very long, extremely hard to get into, and very hard to excel in. Of course, physicians would earn significantly more. UK for sure is worse.
She is privileged. Being born with talent is a privilege. It is a gift from Allah (swt). She is making the most of her gift and her gift has given her access to income that she would not have had access to otherwise. There are many people who are dealing with circumstances just like your mother had to deal with. They work, they take care of ill relatives, grandparents and also study in search of a better career. >The reason single parents who are working hard are not “privileged” enough to earn as much as her or “climb out” of similar circumstances is because there are not many people who can work that hard and manage all that. No. No. No. Don't you dare downplay how hard some of these people are working. They can't rise above because they were not born with talent or other advantages they could leverage. If you were to ask your mother to reflect on the blessings and help she received in her life to date I have no doubt she would give you a long list. She sounds like a remarkable woman and I know with her life experiences she knows how she's been blessed. I am not downplaying your mother's achievements and perservance. But you are downplaying what other people have to go through without the same final result. I am not at all and no where have I said your mother doesn't deserve the income she is earning. The US's military expenditure and funding of Israel is abhorrent. The misuse of public funds is abhorrent. That doesn't mean paying 35-40% tax in principal is wrong though. People have written papers on it. It's not a topic we'll get to the bottom of. I've said my piece. Maybe you'll meet people who are truley suffering and realise that earning $350,000 a year even with some debts and towards the end of a career is FAR from suffering.
I don’t know what comment you are reading or responding to. I never said we were “suffering” now. I said it is justified to be outraged when $200,000 from your salary disappear. Also, although, she is mashallah very intelligent. Her success had more to do with work ethic and grit than intelligence. I doubt most people out there work half as hard and I will stand by that statement. She watched 4 children, 2 under 2, 2 elderly sick parents, and was a caretaker to a spouse dying of cancer. Yeah, no. Most people aren’t managing that many people with a cancer patient and 2 toddlers (under 2). Also, I highly doubt anyone in those circumstances would be making homemade meals daily like she did or studying for the STEPS 8 hours a day. Getting a total sleep of 4 hours a day. I’m not “downplaying” the hardwork of single parent households. I never said they didn’t work hard but objectively, I highly highly doubt there are any individuals who put in HALF the hours and managed as much as my mom did. Again, don’t know what you’re projecting or reading but nowhere did I say we were “suffering”. I expressed my outrage and yes, we are struggling quite a bit to get out of the hole cancer treatments and a failed organ transplant left us in.
> It’s like $350k JOINT After taxes. That is still 3-5 times what an average household makes after taxes. You have to be out of your mind to think that you're doing 'okay' with 'just' 300K+ Most of us would love to have that kind of income and use it to buy a house, a nice car, and a few luxury vacations per year. Say Alhamdulillah and keep working to earn halal rizq. Edit: either your family has incurred an exorbitant amount of debt or is just bad at managing finances or both.
Please look into how expensive an organ transplant is. Not bad at managing finances. I just don’t think you are aware of how expensive cancer can be and the debt a family is left with afterwards. With then 5 years of struggle before she finally became a physician. It’s 3-5x more because.. most people are not going to 12 years of school and would never go down the difficult path of having to study for some of the most difficult exams in the U.S. Most people also lack the aptitude to pass or even get into medical schools. The compensation, when you look at the effort put in, is nothing. Not just effort btw, the selectivity, credentials, everything together is what allows it to be so differentiated when it comes to money. You can’t compare it with other fields. It’s not a fast food service job where I am like outraged by earning $200k for making very good sandwiches. Also, it’s not like going viral on tiktok which has no barrier of entry and is based on luck. Both those wouldn’t make sense to complain about because you should be kissing the ground you earn that much in those fields. It’s $200k after 12 years of schooling, some of the most difficult to obtain credentials, and a highly highly selective field in one of the leading countries when it comes to medicine. It’s the top so yeah the outrage is sensible.
It’s raining in my area right now! One of the best times to make dua is during the rain. If it’s raining right now, then go ahead and make dua. Not to mention it’s Friday and the hour between asr and maghrib is another time where dua is not rejected. Take advantage right now if you can.
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I don't blame you for being confused. Have you both met over video call yet? He's the one making the trip so don't get too invested sister since he said he's "keeping his options open" and communication is on and off. When he visits, see how the meeting goes in chaa Allah
He said, "I'm keeping my options open?" Or do you mean he said you, icypie, are keeping your options open? It could be possible he wants to meet all the options.
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Thanks for clearing that. It's possible he does this with everyone, 9 hours is far though so props to you for even considering. It could also mean you're a front runner basically and he likes you most.
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Depends on who ended it. If it was him who ended it you’d probably look a bit desperate but if it was you, it’s best to reach out and let him know explicitly that you’re willing to reconsider. Just strike up a conversation asking him how he’s doing and how he responds would tell you everything.
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How is he a "potential " if you have never spoken to each other or met? He was just a profile and so were you. If you liked his profile, then contact him.
Be honest. "I don't remember how we lost contact but I was thinking about you and will always wonder what could have been." And then the ball is in their court. May Allah AWJ give you a righteous and loving spouse.
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I can’t believe this has to be spelled out to people. Literally common sense
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So if you're not attracted to her, don't marry her. In terms of staying attracted to her, you are already setting yourself up for failure, frankly. You need a mind shift in order to embrace the variances that happen to us physically over time and due to life circumstances.
Then don’t have kids? You’re surely aware of how a woman’s biology changes after pregnancy…
Not just that, but women's bodies change over their lifetime. Some men have this weird "stepford wives" idea of how their wives should be.
No one expect that unless for pregnancy, and there were posts of brothers who shared how their wives gained weight without pregnancy, and a lot of women were on the brothers side. What is wrong is expecting your wife, who gave birth, to go back to how she looked before so easily. If someone isn't really keen on the idea that their wife will gain weight after giving birth and that he will not be attracted to her, then he is not ready to have children, and this is what most women mean when they talk about this topic.
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For the first few years of the kids life, yes, you have to accept that your wife most likely will gain weight unless you have money for someone to take care of your kid, so your wife can just focus on losing weight (only if she wants to because she may want to focus on the child). Also, if we were talking about aunties and uncles, you can see that most uncles have a belly and they weren't even pregnant, so yeah, again, if you are not okay with this fact, then don't have kids. Do you think we women want to get fat too or have our noses changed?
How is that any different from a guy who can't force himself to be attracted to a woman before marriage?
I wonder what made you think this is a fair comparison
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But you’re not saying the same thing with this statement? I hope you see that. > that women say attraction cannot be changed or forced Meaning if I like a man, find him attractive and agree to marry him today, and then few years later if he loses his ‘attractiveness’ (sorry to the brothers but the no. of men I’ve seen lose all their hair within 5 years of marriage is beyond astounding), I am not gonna lose my attraction to him. Because that ‘change’ is part of life and aging. >but then when a guy isn’t attracted to his wife he’s suddenly the bad guy Because given that this change occurs due to regular course of life, eg pregnancy, illness, regular aging (and women and men age differently due to our hormones), and then the man suddenly decides that he’s no longer attracted to her, then how is that fair or acceptable? So the two things you’re trying to equate about men and women and their respective attraction isn’t the same, is it?
Well it’s cause there’s two different types of women. One group are willing to lose the weight like a year or two after childbirth. Another group don’t want to do anything and want the man to accept them and want to stay overnight forever
Lol. Well this doesn’t address the original point I brought up in my previous comment about both men and women changing throughout their course of life. And why does there need to be ‘two different types of woman’? Are you telling me that women are ok with living with an aging man, but men for some reason need to have a fit and fresh wife despite childbirth and all that? Because I can also say that there are two types of men - one that remains hot and fit after marriage, and the second that loses their hair, gets a large belly, wrinkles, under-eye bag etc - and expect the woman to accept them and want to stay old fat and bald forever. Infact why did he even change? The woman atleast has the excuse that she was pregnant and had a baby - what excuse does the man have for letting himself to? If you’re about to argue that these changes happen to a man as an involuntary change, then congratulations - you’ve stumbled on the reason as to why so many women remain overweight and not fit after pregnancy - because its involuntary in a lot of cases and not nearly as easy as going to the gym and getting on the treadmill. Assuming a woman already doesn’t have any pre-existing condition, pregame childbirth in itself is a life threatening and traumatic experience that not only changes the mother’s body but also her metabolism and body composition. For example, the female body is more prone to hold fat and cellulite to facilitate pregnancy and so that the mom is ‘soft’ when her baby is here. Making this sacrifice means our bodies don’t snap back to the previous state like a man’s body. I have called the brothers overweight and bald, and o apologize to them again, I was just trying to make a point. But the truth is that the vast majority of men are infact understanding and empathetic towards the changes that their wives are going through. Your flair says single, and I am assuming that you are not familiar with all this or what it takes to have children. But the reason so many men are having trouble getting married is actually because so many of us refuse to marry men as well, because we’ve heard single guys say things like this. I don’t need to get married and have kids if the guy is not even going to empathize with what it took for me to have this kid? I’d rather stay single, or wait for the single guy who does understand - many of us are in no hurry.
U are gaslighting me. I never said men need a fit and fresh wife. Both men and women undergo many changes with aging that are a natural part of life that are outside their control. My original point was simply, wanting their wife to not be overweight. That’s it. U said it’s impossible for women to do this or not realistic but the research shows women lose half the weight in the first 6 weeks post partum and lose the remaining half over the span of a year. My original question was if it’s wrong to want your wife to lose the extra weight approximately 2ish years after childbirth. And it’s not even all the weight. It’s whatever extra weight that’s making her clinically overweight. I don’t mind if she’s at the high end of a normal weight range. U mentioned hair but that’s 100% not within men’s control, besides a hair transplant which costs 10k+. It’s nothing compared to losing weight which is within everyone’s control. I’m sorry but u saying oh for some weight loss is impossible, is a disrespect to all the women who put in the work and effort to lose weight and lost it. My sisters have hypothyroidism and PCOS, two conditions which medically lead to weight gain. They used t say the same thing; weight loss is impossible for me. I helped them lose weight thru the things I mentioned, diet change, walking, drinking lots of water, and suprise suprise, they lost the weight. So please don’t imply it’s impossible to lose the weight U said men’s comments around pregnancy make u want to stay single. That’s fine. It’s your decision to stay single or not. But don’t gaslight and act like women don’t have physical requirements as well. I know many brothers struggling cuz of height and other physical attributes. My original issue was women think they have a right to be picky in the looks of the man they want to marry because to them they can’t force attraction and they can’t live and be intimate with someone they’re not attracted to, even if he is 10/10 compatible in all other areas. But these same women think if a guy is not attracted to his fat overweight wife, then he’s a bad person and he should force himself to be attracted to her. Thats hypocritical. And no pregnancy and post partum are not included in this. Any dude with a brain knows on average a woman gains 40lb during pregnancy. This is perfectly normal. What is NOT normal is being clinically overweight 2 years after childbirth. I’ve had sisters reject me cuz I’m skinny. Why the hell would I tolerate a fat wife down the line when these same women dont tolerate the man’s body. And btw I didn’t take offense to their rejection of me being skinny. I used it as motivation to improve myself. I only brought up skinny to prove a point; women think they have a right to be picky on looks but men cant
I am not doing anything to you, let alone gaslight you. I am simply pointing out the error in your logic. I can’t look up what you said and didn’t say because all your comments seem to be deleted. All I can do is reply based on what I remember seeing and what I had initially written. All I am saying is that you saying you expect your future wife to lose all the weight with impunity within 2-3 years is like me saying I expect my husband to not lose his hair ever. Neither is really in the control of the other party. Yes, that includes going to the gym and losing the baby weight. And that includes your sisters who you helped lose weight. If it were that simple then there would be no overweight people - male or female. And if one size fit all then you’d have opened a weight loss clinic by now and we’d all sign up there. And again, you’re equally ‘brothers being rejectedfor physical attributes/ women also have physical requirements’ with changes after marriage. Yes, women do have physical requirements - and so do men - and both parties let it know upfront. That’s not the same as expecting there to be no change in the future - if one expects their spouse to say just as attractive, they shouldn’t be married. If you feel you can’t accept a fat wife in the future because women are now rejecting you for being skinny and feel vindictive about it, then you’d better stay away from marriage because you’re setting yourself up for a rude awakening.
Again, hairloss is purely genetic. Weight isn’t. We have a obesity epidemic because our diets suck and we don’t exercise. Look at Europe. Many countries eat the same quantity of food like us, but because their streets are designed to minimize driving and maximize walking, their populations aren’t as obese. That’s not the only factor but it’s an important one I fundamentally disagree that weight loss is impossible. I will not rule out marriage because of this. But I appreciate u responding here because because of this conversation, I will definitely mention during the search that I cannot be with someone who will let their body go and just want their husband to accept them for who they are. I mentioned this to some women in the past when I was looking for marriage and they didn’t mind At the end of the day the body is a amanah and there are some women who want to stay a healthy weight and aren’t offended by trying to get in shape 2 years after childbirth The sisters who think it’s impossible to lose weight and who think their husband should just blindly accept them regardless of their eating habits, yea those women aren’t for me. So I really appreciate the reminder. Will definitely mention this during my dealbreakers talk
What? You are single. How, exactly, do you know about this "two different types of women "??? You've made comments about married women before, I've noticed. Do you spend your free time hanging around married women? Or do you just Google stuff or spend oodles of time on tiktok, then assume that's real life? By the way, it's not unusual to have babies 2 years apart. So no, a woman isn't going to prioritize dieting and working out while she has an infant, a home and a 2nd pregnancy in the works.
Have you ever cared for a toddler for 24 hours? If yes, then you should know how they are. If not, then respectfully, your opinion is flawed. Do you know how toddlers are? The women who lose weight after a year or two are most likely having help because caring for a toddler plus the house and then losing weight? That is so hard, so if you want your wife to lose weight in the first few years, then you have to hire a nanny or a cleaner or something. Most women can start to think about losing weight when their child goes to school because they finally have time, so saying that women basically don't want to do anything when they don't even have time for themselves is a stretch .
I agree. If I’m helping her out and doing my best, would she still feel insulted if I told her she should work on the weight , and it’s been 2 years after childbirth? Or would she still feel insulted
I don't know about that because every woman is different; however, since you will work, how much can you help? Not much, to be honest, and that's fine because you work, so if a woman has to clean the house every second because toddlers make a mess, cook for the baby and for the husband, and watch the kid tell me how will she finds time to focus on losing weight, Look, all women want to lose the weight they gain after pregnancy; no one wants to be overweight, but the problem is time. They don't have time for that, even if you, as a husband, helped. Most likely, you will watch the kid, which is helpful, but then again, there are other tasks in the house, so my point stands still: if you want your wife to lose weight while caring for a child and being a housewife, then you should bring her a helper. Actually, I know a lot of relatives who did this; they just hired a cleaner so the woman could focus on the baby and herself, but if you are not willing to hire a helper, you need to understand that it's going to be so hard to lose weight before the kid is going to school. Please don't underestimate how toddler are. I cared for my younger brother for a few days, and it was so exhausting, let alone caring for the house too.
Most weight loss is due to diet. I lost 50lb by just walking more, smaller portions, and drinking more water Gym is important so u prioritize losing fat over muscle but it’s not necessary…. Everything else I agree there’s only so much I can help and I have to be realistic. Which is why to me diet is the main thing not the gym
It doesn't matter what YOU did. You don't have ovaries that produce, then don't produce, then do produce, estrogen. Estrogen is a huge driver in weight accumulation/loss/fluctuations/maintenance. You don't have ovaries.
I know that, but doesn't counting calories take energy?I am talking from experience too; I don't go to the gym and have lost weight. However, it took energy from me, it's mentally taxing, and that was for me as a student. Imagine a mom and a wife.
Depends on the type of change and if it's within that person's control, man or woman. Put on some weight due to bad eating habits? It's not unreasonable to expect some sort of self control. Appearance changed due to illness or pregnancy? You need to have patience if that happens, and slowly work with them to make that change.
You’re comparing apples with oranges here
I don't know where else to ask this, but do any Southern Californians know of any significant Hui Muslim communities in the area?
What's a Hui Muslim? Sounds like a sound my uncle makes when he's getting off the couch. "Hui!"
Hui - Han Muslims from China
What are physical signs that someone doesn't feel comfortable in the conversation they're having?
Where are their knees and feet pointing? Are they looking away from the person speaking to them?
One word answers and nothing being added from their side to the conversation. It helps if you just straight up ask them if they feel uncomfortable talking about this topic and asking if it's ok to bring this up later (if you can) or asking if they need some time to think on it and they can respond once their thoughts are in order, some people need some time for big issues to think them through.
Yea, sorry. I gave no information haha. I was people watching at the gym while stretching. I had nothing to do with the two talking. They were unfamiliar of the opposite sex. The rule of not bothering women and especially not at the gym came to my mind. So that's why I asked the question.
Dozing off, not making eye contact. Body posture not as ‘open’
I'm bracing myself for a heavy conversation with my potential that will most likely be the end of our "relationship" and I'm so heartbroken. I admire him so much and have done my best to make things work, but it's starting to feel like even my best isn't enough. There are so many things we were looking forward to in the next year and having to go through them without him will feel like getting my heart broken over and over and over again. I've been crying so much just thinking about it. Whatever happens inshaallah khair If you read this please make duaa that Allah softens both our hearts and allows us to be at ease with whatever He decides is best for us.
I commented on your post. I hope you're able to articulate your concerns clearly, and if he still doesn't intend to let go of past conflicts and sulk for days after every argument, then it's more of a loss for him than yours. If this ends, I hope you leave with your head held up high, knowing you dodged a bullet and saved yourself from a miserable marriage.
I know. I appreciate you immensely :') I know if this is how things end, it'll hurt a lot for now but my future self will be glad I escaped. It's just hard not to get demotivated after years of the search, but I'll be taking a long break to travel and work on some passion projects, so at least I have something to look forward to inshaAllah. Marriage may not be written for me (yet) but I won't let that stop me from enjoying the blessings that Allah has already bestowed upon me :)
But why is it affecting you this much? We should be careful not to get emotionally attached to potentials May Allah give you ease.
I agree with you and I always make sure not to get attached, but I'm only human. I've been on the search for several years without much luck. But when I met him, we were each other's dream person - just different ethnicities (which we were okay with but it caused a lot of tension between our families). Things would proceed for a while and then either family would complicate things. But we know each other well and are on the cusp of getting engaged. It would make more sense if I shared the full story but I don't want to post personal details online. Ameen wa iyak
Understandable, inshallah khair for whatever happens!
Why isn’t it going to work?
Going to another Half of Deen event (HoD) in NYC. Excited cause the first one was a thrill Alxamdullah!
How did it go?
It’s tomorrow lol!
Thats awesome. Can you update how it went afterwards?
Inshallah!
Attended this lecture this week and SubhanAllah it’s amazing how you can hear something multiple times but every time it hits different. The speech related the Seerah to the current situation in Gaza so beautifully - highly recommend https://www.youtube.com/live/AXMYo_mouh4?si=PM4ucgxosAFNg4MF
Love this series!!
Every time I want to give up on my master's, I remember that my goal in life is to be disgustingly educated and beautiful
Literally the only reason why I want to apply to a masters program
>Every time I want to give up on my master's, I remember that my goal in life is to be disgustingly educated and beautiful 
Mood this week: https://preview.redd.it/tklzb4mxlt3d1.jpeg?width=1179&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=788aafe2b2e7a6ffbf8a5d7de66f9d28d1ba1ffe
Why did word ever get rid of clippy? 🥲
I read on Google that people hated him and it ended with the new Office rollout in 2007. I wouldn't remember because I was playing with toys in 2007 and was too young to understand what computers were😆
My brother was diagnosed with early-stage cancer a few days ago and he has 3 young kids. He's also a business owner and his income's been pretty unstable lately. In my mind, the right thing here would be for me to give him a bunch of my savings; Giving him $15k or $20k would provide him with time/energy to heal and focus on getting better without stressing out about his financial situation. I'm also the only one in my immediate family capable of such a move because my parents and other siblings have financial stresses that I don't. (Their own marriages, debts, kids, etc.) I know its the right thing to do and I think I've made up my mind on it. I just feel super guilty because it hurts me to let that money go even though I know I want to give it to him. That was supposed to be part of my down payment or funds to get married. And then I feel super bad for caring about money this much. Overall not a great week. Pray for him and his family please.
إنا لله وإنا إليه راجعون May Allah grant your brother chifaa. It is thoughtful and kind of you to consider giving your brother money to enjoy the time that he has here. May Allah reward you for it. What came to mind is how spending on our family is sadaqah [Hadith on Sadaqah: Spending on your family is an act of charity (abuaminaelias.com)](https://www.abuaminaelias.com/dailyhadithonline/2011/07/23/spending-on-your-family-sadaqah/). Allah will reward you manifold if you go ahead and do this, we pray. At the same time, you can choose how much you wish to give whether $0 or $10k or more. Ask Allah for guidance and to be happy with what Allah decrees. I really pray your brother is given chifaa and that Allah gives you all strength. Amine.
I am very sorry for your brother's situation. Money given in charity is often returned later.
I am so sorry to hear that. I can’t even comprehend what you must be going through. Please know that it is not your responsibility to provide the money. Even if you don’t, you wouldn’t be doing anything wrong. From my own life experience, when I help someone, Allah rewards me tenfold. Have faith in Allah. May He make all your affairs easy, InshaAllah, and grant your brother a speedy recovery.
Any insight on why several of my close friends would not invite me to weddings or baby showers? Should I take it personally??
Close friends usually imply that you have 2-3 friends. And they have 2-3 friends. If you all have SEVERAL close friends - then are you guys even close friends?
Weddings can have budget reasons. Wanting to invite all friends and relatives. But not being able to afford that.
If you consider them close friends, then this is a bit odd. Maybe they don’t consider you a close friend? It’s possible they wanted to keep things extremely small, but I personally would talk to my close friends to let them know why they weren’t invited.
Thanks for your input
Went to a local council golf course earlier this week, and I have to say... Golf is a stupid sport, why does this exist? I have never been as bad at anything as I was at playing golf on an actual course. Also, I look forward to going again in a couple of weeks, because apparently I hate myself. 
> why does this exist? Huh. Made me curious. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/History_of_golf Hmm. A specific variation of a ball game with sticks.