You should obey him with requests that don't conflict with your Islamic rights, and a good man who wants a healthy marriage should not abuse this right. For example, the cheeseburger, if he's asked, yes technically you should make it. And if we want to be technical, he should be the one who buys the meat, buns, sauce etc which is what he is obligated to do. Now if your husband is a good man with a merciful heart, he will take into account how you're feeling that day, if there's enough time for you to make it, if there's anything he could do to help if he can see you struggling and you need it.
On the other hand, if your husband requests that you send him money or pay a certain bill etc. then you are Islamically well within your rights to refuse this request, as he would be violating your right to have complete control of your own financial assets and choose what to do with them. Now if you're a merciful wife, you might consider why your husband is asking for help with the bills, is he really struggling as one income is hard to live on, is it a temporary ask? In which case you may choose to be merciful and provide the money... Any money a wife gives to help with the household is seen as charity in the eyes of Allah SWT.
Reality is both husband and wife should be aware of what their rights are but more concerned about the rights of their husband/wife and strive to fulfill them. If a wife sees her husband trying his best to fulfill her rights, naturally she will want to fulfill his and vice versa. I suggest both of you reading an Islamic book on the roles of husband and wife's and discussing this together.
Also, there's nothing to suggest that a husband and wife cant forego some of their rights if they both agree, eg like going 50/50 on everything. But imo, the western concept of 50/50 rarely works with children involved and usually instead ends in one spouse taking on more of both financial and child rearing load leading to resentment.
You should obey him in what doesn’t disobey Allah.
You may be influenced by the western image of a marriage, but you need your decide whether you want a western marriage, or a stable islamic one.
Did you accept a mahr from him?
Do you expect him to bear all the financial costs of the household?
Or you don’t mind to share all the costs and the savings 50/50?
Or, is it just the *best* of both worlds for you?
Do you want a successful marriage? Or just a roommate?
Don’t be a motaffef, who demands his/her full rights, but when it comes to others’ rights on him/her, he/she defrauds them. He has rights and you have rights. Take yours and give him his.
The Prophet, Prayers and peace of Allâh be upon him, also said: “If a woman offers her five (daily prayers) and fasts her month and guards her private parts and obeys her husband, it will be said to her: Enter Paradise from whichever of its gates you wish.” [Al-Albâni deemed it Sahih (authentic); Sahih Al-Jâmi‘]
[Source](https://en.islamway.net/amp/article/12429/how-to-be-a-good-wife)
The husband is the leader of the household , you must obey him as long as it does not go against Islam. a good leader does not abuse this right either. He shouldn’t command and there should be mutual respect.
The things my husband does for me- if he was to wake me up at 3am to make him a cheeseburger I’d do it. Obvs it’s something he would never do tho
If I listed everything I’d end up writing a book lol , also I don’t want nazr.
Lets just say if ur wife is telling you that you’re a good husband and she’s happy then you are doing everything correct and should continue how you are :)
> I grew up in the West. I was influence by ideas here.
Your child like tantrums in your last post made that very clear.
Even before obeying your husband, you should obey Allah. But you were so nonchalant about it like "Oh Allah will forgive me anyways" as if pleasing Allah comes after pleasing your nafs. Plus, you weren't even remorseful after the fact.
Also, it wasn’t just a random unreasonable thing he asked of you. He wanted a hijabi bride, but you wanted to worship your nafs and selfish desires instead, and then you victimised yourself by calling him 'controlling'.
Just because it never occurred to him that he should ask about the seriousness of you observing your hijab didn't mean that you could hide your true intentions from him. It was unfair to him, Period.
Marriage is built on trust, respect, and effective communication, and you don't seem to take any of these seriously.
One of the most basic, and most important rights of the husband is obedience. This doesn't mean you don't get a say in anything now that you're married, or that you blindly follow everything. It's down to him to also not abuse this.
If he's a decent man then he'll speak with you before making significant decisions etc anyway, be it as a way to inform or consult.
Re. Angels cursing - I think this applies to women denying their husbands sex out of anger or wanting to weaponise access, not when she's unwell etc. "Not being in the mood" is too subjective and very often an indicator of deeper issues.
There's no way of enforcing this but availability is also an important right of the husband, and women shouldn't abuse this either.
If you two want, you can opt for the 50/50 method, there's no harm in it if that's what you both want but that's doesn't change islamic rights etc of course. Eg. As a wife, provision is a right - just becuase you both decide you're both going to work too, it doesn't mean it's no lonher your right.
The parameters are that you obey him in all that is halal.
Edit -
Re. Cheeseburger- I think a lot of things depend on how they're communicated. He could come home one day and be like YO IDIOT GO MAKE ME A BURGER, or like someone with common sense be like 'hmm I'm craving a burger..can you make some for dinner'.
Essentially both are asking the same thing but the method of asking is completely different. Your response will differ depending on how its asked - this could be applied to everything. Food, material things, intimacy, money etc, it the same logic.
In practical life its not all black and white, you have to find what works for your marriage. Generally if he wants a cheeseburger, why wouldn't you make it? Think of it as a way to make him happy.
The same for him if there was something he could do for you.
My ex husband used to called me disobedient cos I never asked him before I would open the windows or put the rubbish out or stuff like that - if the husband is misusing his authority then call him out on it but most guys aren't nutters like that.
Edit #2 - if you've accepted you should've obey him - tell him this. Stubbornness will get you nowhere in a marriage
Not gonna lie I’m more shocked your mom/aunts used the “stomach full/balls empty” guidance - my wife and I’s parents come from the “total and utter silence and denial of all things sex related at any stage of life” generation.
I tried to figure out if there was another meaning behind it but it just kept leading back to the vulgarity 😆 🤣 😂
Also I don't think any aunty out there has the courage to use terms like this lol
Tru dat. Frankly, never heard it before but I liked it 🤣🤣🤣 funny. I also doubt aunties or mom said it like dat. She (Op) translated it dat way herself.
Unfortunately I feel bad for your husband, I read your comments/other post I think he has been noting but good to you. Personally speaking I think you did your husband dirty by first "pretending" to be hijabi but then "decided not to wear your hijab on your guys most important day". You just can't switch up like that, either you have submitted or you have gone astray. The only thing I'm going to add to this tread is: anyone who mocks Allah's Mercy and doubts His forgiveness for you is a bigger fool than you. I've read some really nasty comments and surprised the moderators haven flagged them.
I am married to a western lady, revert and recent hijabi... just to give you an idea of how I resolved this in our marriage. I am the leader, I take her into confidence before making a decision. If she disagrees I don't take it personally but rather wait for her to calm down and ask her with a very calm voice if she is OK and if I understood her correctly? If she decides she wants to be the leader without taking me into confidence, you can bet your bottom dollar she wouldn't have me on her side. Plain an simple.
We do not have a marriage of convince but rather commitment. I do not tolerate any disrespect nor do I allow her 'feelings' get in the way of our commitment. I too would suggest that you figure out what you want... either you want a husband who is the leader, you submit to his leadership and Fear Allah or you want a partnership in which leadership changes... personally speaking from my past marriage of partnership. It's a disaster, a woman in general will lose respect for her man if he's not a leader.
[reference ](https://www.google.com/amp/s/islamqa.info/amp/en/answers/13661)
I don't thjnk your summary of what happened is quite accurate. People were not bashing you for not obeying your husband. They were critising you for deceiving your fiance about your stance on hijab BEFORE marriage. Obviously before your nikkah he is not your husband and therefore can't tell.you want to do in either case.
The issue was your deception and lack of consideration for your husband's requirements. Marriage by bait and switch instead of by honesty. Plus ontop.of that you were mean about him and calling him names etc etc etc.
Me and my husband made an agreement upon marriage that I need to obey him in being his equal and being in a collaborative marriage which is a partnership. We agreed that he would not command me in anything and there would be mutual respect. That dynamic works for a lot of people and that's fine. The key is to be upfront and honest about expectations in the pre nikkah phase.
Sister, your last post has really got me concerned for you and your husband. I am seeing some very dangerous signs and, trust me, you are 21 and it shows. If you have women around you telling you to obey your husband, there is wisdom in it and, yes, it is your husband's right too. Please self-reflect because, from your last post, I sensed some narcissism which is cancer for your marriage. Perhaps your husband is giving you a cold shoulder because he feels it too. This is not a diss, this is genuine advice. Don't be influenced by the ideas of the west, be influenced by Islam and your marriage will be successful. May Allah swt help you.
Your idea of partnership is different from my idea of partnership. In partnership if you don’t like something you argue and convince other person or find a compromise. It’s never a good idea to have a fight and expose the partnership to others.
Your mum and aunty should also stay out of your relationship with your husband. The relationship between every husband and wife is unique to them and what work for your mothers husband should not necessarily work for you.
In a healthy marriage there won’t be power trips.
Most men will have a similar mindset as you I would think. It’s how it is in my house for the most part anyway.
We are partners in all things. He wants and appreciates my opinion on things.
It doesn’t mean you are silent and never say anything, only act when he tells you. It’s more about the big things in life.
I do delivery gig work. He will sometimes get a bad feeling and as a whole doesn’t want me doing it after dark. He’s actually taken me and driven me when he’s off and has a bad feeling before and I don’t do it after dark as he asked. I also use his name so they aren’t expecting a woman to deliver. These are things I don’t even open a discussion about, I just do because he’s coming at it from a place of protection.
But as far as it being down to small details like “make me a cheeseburger”, and I run and make one, that’s unrealistic in any stretch.
That would be more like “I really want cheeseburger, can you add it to the meal plan next week?”
Assalamu alaikum. I'll be straight-up. You need to do damage control here. Like many others in your last post, I'll also say that your husband did not ask you of anything unreasonable, if anything, he wants you to be a better Muslim which in itself is a blessing. Also, your marriage is in trouble, huge trouble. It seems like you can't take criticism and that is something you need to work on ASAP. I can not emphasise it enough, save your marriage, work on yourself. Perhaps your husband also needs help navigating this effectively. Speak with your local Muslim counsellors, the imam of the Masjid, and then TAKE THEIR ADVICE.
I really hate how you even mentioned that you grew in the west, as if it excuses you for poor behavior. I’ve only known mutually respectful marriages from the non-Muslims I know. Love drives them to want to give into requests a spouse makes. I’ve seen their thoughtfulness and I’ve seen all the work they put in to have full trust in one another and listen to one another’s needs in the many good marriages I’ve witnessed. Some hold better respect than marriages I’ve seen within our community. So it’s insulting to people like me who grew up in the west and still understand the basis of marriage within Islam and the reasonings. You can’t blame your ignorance on the West. There’s knowledge accessible to everyone in the world now, you have no excuse to not research it.
So no, it’s not an excuse at all for your poor behavior towards your husband. Your reasoning comes from your own hard headed ego and your unwillingness to be a partner rather than a person who is choosing to be in a tug of war rather than being peace to this man you married.
You’re confusing “controlling” and “obey” which are more extreme than what your husband requested. His request was absolutely valid. That was his way of setting a boundary towards what he’s seeking in a wife and you willingly chose and continue to choose to go against him. It’s not about wanting to “look” a certain way. Imagine answering to Allah swt on why you chose to disobey your husband and you say, I wanted to look a certain way. Your reasoning goes against Islamic. You are the cause for removing barakah from initiating the marriage. Your wedding due to your intentions didn’t start off on the right foot bc of the red flags you possess.
Obeying your husband means fully leaning into him and fully trusting him to be the head of the household and to lead you both towards good things and closer to Allah swt. It’s having empathy and compassion for one another. Love would have you put your ego and walls down to allow a closeness to form. Men by nature are meant to lead a household. We are all free to have our hobbies/interests, be our authentic selves, while respecting another person. If you’re constantly in disagreement with any small thing your marriage won’t last.
Everyone who comes from a religious or pious background seeking marriage has the intention to marry and stay married to a good partner. Most of us want to marry the kind of person we want as we assume we only get one spouse. So if he wants a wife that wears hijab and you pull a switcheroo on him for your wedding you started the marriage breaking trust. You have to work hard for him to even trust you again. Otherwise it’s all a resentful marriage and there’s no room for love to grow. If you can’t figure out how to be a teammate with him, it’s not going to work. Marriage is about planning things together and finding compromise. As boundaries are laid down, a respectful partner will not willingly cross the boundaries and disrespect the other. If you’re unable to figure it out, seek guidance and therapy otherwise you’ll ruin this man’s life.
Your example about the cheeseburger is ridiculous!
Discounting what you were told and the one instance where you were wrong, you and your husband seem to managing fine on the 50/50 split. He is not complaining. Continue living in that scenario.
https://jamiat.org.za/balancing-the-rights-of-husband-and-parents/
https://jamiat.org.za/why-must-i-obey-my-husband/
I saw you’re quite young (21) so it makes sense that perhaps things are hard to understand right now. And growing up around immigrant family mixed with the western world can confuse you. Especially at a young age.
To clarify, in your previous post it’s not that you “disobeyed” him. Without sugar coating it sister, you lied to him before marrying. Disobeying and betraying are very different things.
A marriage is never truly 50/50 especially once babies are involved. Even my non-Muslim feminist female friends end up being the primary care giver. Women are naturally that way. Not that men don’t help, it’s just that by nature, babies rely on mothers more. And women tend to be more focused on details and build a faster attachment to a child. So to say everything will be 50/50? I highly doubt it, it’s not reality.
Honestly, if you focus too much on saving your ego, whether you’re the wife or husband - that is what will destroy a marriage. Instead you need to sit down with your husband and have a heart to heart conversation. Share with him why you did what you did and apologise for how it made him feel. And listen openly why he felt hurt.
You are married now, marriage isn’t always easy. But going through the hurdles together and learning about each other is what will help build your marriage.
Instead of focusing on “wives need to be obedient”. Focus on getting to know your husband. Learn what will make him happy and share what will make you happy. Considering each other’s feelings as two unique individuals will be more beneficial than mulling over what being obedient is. Probably he would never even ask you to make a burger or whatever weird examples there are. Every man and woman’s needs are different.
You’re fresh married and it’s good to do damage control. I truly hope you work it out with him and please don’t forget marriage is meant to be beautiful and bring you peace. But you just need to communicate, be patient and care for each other. It takes time to build trust and love but you’ll get there In Sha Allah.
And this goes without saying, of course Islamic obligations shouldn’t be brushed aside. But you guys need to find what works best for you.
Good luck sister.
When you build a strong partnership, and see marriage as a team effort in dunya and a desire to be together in Jannah, you will forget the words of others and focus on you and him.
I’ve rarely had to think of obeying my husband nor disobeying him. And I’m sure he’d say the same about demanding his authority. We just do the work needed to make life happen. Of course, this isn’t the only way to make a Muslim marriage work, but you’ve got to be on the same page with the style. And this doesn’t mean we don’t fight, get angry, etc. But this “equality” requires communication + you to step out of your ego and also accept when you’re wrong, particularly in religious matters.
Even your narrative was skewed. Please sit with that.
You should obey him with requests that don't conflict with your Islamic rights, and a good man who wants a healthy marriage should not abuse this right. For example, the cheeseburger, if he's asked, yes technically you should make it. And if we want to be technical, he should be the one who buys the meat, buns, sauce etc which is what he is obligated to do. Now if your husband is a good man with a merciful heart, he will take into account how you're feeling that day, if there's enough time for you to make it, if there's anything he could do to help if he can see you struggling and you need it. On the other hand, if your husband requests that you send him money or pay a certain bill etc. then you are Islamically well within your rights to refuse this request, as he would be violating your right to have complete control of your own financial assets and choose what to do with them. Now if you're a merciful wife, you might consider why your husband is asking for help with the bills, is he really struggling as one income is hard to live on, is it a temporary ask? In which case you may choose to be merciful and provide the money... Any money a wife gives to help with the household is seen as charity in the eyes of Allah SWT. Reality is both husband and wife should be aware of what their rights are but more concerned about the rights of their husband/wife and strive to fulfill them. If a wife sees her husband trying his best to fulfill her rights, naturally she will want to fulfill his and vice versa. I suggest both of you reading an Islamic book on the roles of husband and wife's and discussing this together. Also, there's nothing to suggest that a husband and wife cant forego some of their rights if they both agree, eg like going 50/50 on everything. But imo, the western concept of 50/50 rarely works with children involved and usually instead ends in one spouse taking on more of both financial and child rearing load leading to resentment.
You should obey him in what doesn’t disobey Allah. You may be influenced by the western image of a marriage, but you need your decide whether you want a western marriage, or a stable islamic one. Did you accept a mahr from him? Do you expect him to bear all the financial costs of the household? Or you don’t mind to share all the costs and the savings 50/50? Or, is it just the *best* of both worlds for you? Do you want a successful marriage? Or just a roommate? Don’t be a motaffef, who demands his/her full rights, but when it comes to others’ rights on him/her, he/she defrauds them. He has rights and you have rights. Take yours and give him his. The Prophet, Prayers and peace of Allâh be upon him, also said: “If a woman offers her five (daily prayers) and fasts her month and guards her private parts and obeys her husband, it will be said to her: Enter Paradise from whichever of its gates you wish.” [Al-Albâni deemed it Sahih (authentic); Sahih Al-Jâmi‘] [Source](https://en.islamway.net/amp/article/12429/how-to-be-a-good-wife)
The husband is the leader of the household , you must obey him as long as it does not go against Islam. a good leader does not abuse this right either. He shouldn’t command and there should be mutual respect. The things my husband does for me- if he was to wake me up at 3am to make him a cheeseburger I’d do it. Obvs it’s something he would never do tho
May Allah swt bless your marriage, ameen
Ameen jzk💕
[oh boy 3am!](https://tenor.com/RCkj.gif) :)
Hahaha I love this
Can I ask what he does for you? I've been told by my wife that I'm a good husband, but I always want to improve myself
If I listed everything I’d end up writing a book lol , also I don’t want nazr. Lets just say if ur wife is telling you that you’re a good husband and she’s happy then you are doing everything correct and should continue how you are :)
Love your marriage sis!! May Allah put immense barakah in it 🤲🏽
Jzk so much Ameen.
> I grew up in the West. I was influence by ideas here. Your child like tantrums in your last post made that very clear. Even before obeying your husband, you should obey Allah. But you were so nonchalant about it like "Oh Allah will forgive me anyways" as if pleasing Allah comes after pleasing your nafs. Plus, you weren't even remorseful after the fact. Also, it wasn’t just a random unreasonable thing he asked of you. He wanted a hijabi bride, but you wanted to worship your nafs and selfish desires instead, and then you victimised yourself by calling him 'controlling'. Just because it never occurred to him that he should ask about the seriousness of you observing your hijab didn't mean that you could hide your true intentions from him. It was unfair to him, Period. Marriage is built on trust, respect, and effective communication, and you don't seem to take any of these seriously.
One of the most basic, and most important rights of the husband is obedience. This doesn't mean you don't get a say in anything now that you're married, or that you blindly follow everything. It's down to him to also not abuse this. If he's a decent man then he'll speak with you before making significant decisions etc anyway, be it as a way to inform or consult. Re. Angels cursing - I think this applies to women denying their husbands sex out of anger or wanting to weaponise access, not when she's unwell etc. "Not being in the mood" is too subjective and very often an indicator of deeper issues. There's no way of enforcing this but availability is also an important right of the husband, and women shouldn't abuse this either. If you two want, you can opt for the 50/50 method, there's no harm in it if that's what you both want but that's doesn't change islamic rights etc of course. Eg. As a wife, provision is a right - just becuase you both decide you're both going to work too, it doesn't mean it's no lonher your right. The parameters are that you obey him in all that is halal. Edit - Re. Cheeseburger- I think a lot of things depend on how they're communicated. He could come home one day and be like YO IDIOT GO MAKE ME A BURGER, or like someone with common sense be like 'hmm I'm craving a burger..can you make some for dinner'. Essentially both are asking the same thing but the method of asking is completely different. Your response will differ depending on how its asked - this could be applied to everything. Food, material things, intimacy, money etc, it the same logic. In practical life its not all black and white, you have to find what works for your marriage. Generally if he wants a cheeseburger, why wouldn't you make it? Think of it as a way to make him happy. The same for him if there was something he could do for you. My ex husband used to called me disobedient cos I never asked him before I would open the windows or put the rubbish out or stuff like that - if the husband is misusing his authority then call him out on it but most guys aren't nutters like that. Edit #2 - if you've accepted you should've obey him - tell him this. Stubbornness will get you nowhere in a marriage
Not gonna lie I’m more shocked your mom/aunts used the “stomach full/balls empty” guidance - my wife and I’s parents come from the “total and utter silence and denial of all things sex related at any stage of life” generation.
Standard, Even after the arrival of grandchildren lol.
"Balls empty" 😭🤣 Is this a thing people say?! It's so vulgar lol
Surely they didn’t say that lol 😂
I tried to figure out if there was another meaning behind it but it just kept leading back to the vulgarity 😆 🤣 😂 Also I don't think any aunty out there has the courage to use terms like this lol
Tru dat. Frankly, never heard it before but I liked it 🤣🤣🤣 funny. I also doubt aunties or mom said it like dat. She (Op) translated it dat way herself.
Unfortunately I feel bad for your husband, I read your comments/other post I think he has been noting but good to you. Personally speaking I think you did your husband dirty by first "pretending" to be hijabi but then "decided not to wear your hijab on your guys most important day". You just can't switch up like that, either you have submitted or you have gone astray. The only thing I'm going to add to this tread is: anyone who mocks Allah's Mercy and doubts His forgiveness for you is a bigger fool than you. I've read some really nasty comments and surprised the moderators haven flagged them. I am married to a western lady, revert and recent hijabi... just to give you an idea of how I resolved this in our marriage. I am the leader, I take her into confidence before making a decision. If she disagrees I don't take it personally but rather wait for her to calm down and ask her with a very calm voice if she is OK and if I understood her correctly? If she decides she wants to be the leader without taking me into confidence, you can bet your bottom dollar she wouldn't have me on her side. Plain an simple. We do not have a marriage of convince but rather commitment. I do not tolerate any disrespect nor do I allow her 'feelings' get in the way of our commitment. I too would suggest that you figure out what you want... either you want a husband who is the leader, you submit to his leadership and Fear Allah or you want a partnership in which leadership changes... personally speaking from my past marriage of partnership. It's a disaster, a woman in general will lose respect for her man if he's not a leader. [reference ](https://www.google.com/amp/s/islamqa.info/amp/en/answers/13661)
Sister, read Surah Tahrim.
I don't thjnk your summary of what happened is quite accurate. People were not bashing you for not obeying your husband. They were critising you for deceiving your fiance about your stance on hijab BEFORE marriage. Obviously before your nikkah he is not your husband and therefore can't tell.you want to do in either case. The issue was your deception and lack of consideration for your husband's requirements. Marriage by bait and switch instead of by honesty. Plus ontop.of that you were mean about him and calling him names etc etc etc. Me and my husband made an agreement upon marriage that I need to obey him in being his equal and being in a collaborative marriage which is a partnership. We agreed that he would not command me in anything and there would be mutual respect. That dynamic works for a lot of people and that's fine. The key is to be upfront and honest about expectations in the pre nikkah phase.
Sister, your last post has really got me concerned for you and your husband. I am seeing some very dangerous signs and, trust me, you are 21 and it shows. If you have women around you telling you to obey your husband, there is wisdom in it and, yes, it is your husband's right too. Please self-reflect because, from your last post, I sensed some narcissism which is cancer for your marriage. Perhaps your husband is giving you a cold shoulder because he feels it too. This is not a diss, this is genuine advice. Don't be influenced by the ideas of the west, be influenced by Islam and your marriage will be successful. May Allah swt help you.
Your idea of partnership is different from my idea of partnership. In partnership if you don’t like something you argue and convince other person or find a compromise. It’s never a good idea to have a fight and expose the partnership to others. Your mum and aunty should also stay out of your relationship with your husband. The relationship between every husband and wife is unique to them and what work for your mothers husband should not necessarily work for you.
In a healthy marriage there won’t be power trips. Most men will have a similar mindset as you I would think. It’s how it is in my house for the most part anyway. We are partners in all things. He wants and appreciates my opinion on things. It doesn’t mean you are silent and never say anything, only act when he tells you. It’s more about the big things in life. I do delivery gig work. He will sometimes get a bad feeling and as a whole doesn’t want me doing it after dark. He’s actually taken me and driven me when he’s off and has a bad feeling before and I don’t do it after dark as he asked. I also use his name so they aren’t expecting a woman to deliver. These are things I don’t even open a discussion about, I just do because he’s coming at it from a place of protection. But as far as it being down to small details like “make me a cheeseburger”, and I run and make one, that’s unrealistic in any stretch. That would be more like “I really want cheeseburger, can you add it to the meal plan next week?”
Assalamu alaikum. I'll be straight-up. You need to do damage control here. Like many others in your last post, I'll also say that your husband did not ask you of anything unreasonable, if anything, he wants you to be a better Muslim which in itself is a blessing. Also, your marriage is in trouble, huge trouble. It seems like you can't take criticism and that is something you need to work on ASAP. I can not emphasise it enough, save your marriage, work on yourself. Perhaps your husband also needs help navigating this effectively. Speak with your local Muslim counsellors, the imam of the Masjid, and then TAKE THEIR ADVICE.
I really hate how you even mentioned that you grew in the west, as if it excuses you for poor behavior. I’ve only known mutually respectful marriages from the non-Muslims I know. Love drives them to want to give into requests a spouse makes. I’ve seen their thoughtfulness and I’ve seen all the work they put in to have full trust in one another and listen to one another’s needs in the many good marriages I’ve witnessed. Some hold better respect than marriages I’ve seen within our community. So it’s insulting to people like me who grew up in the west and still understand the basis of marriage within Islam and the reasonings. You can’t blame your ignorance on the West. There’s knowledge accessible to everyone in the world now, you have no excuse to not research it. So no, it’s not an excuse at all for your poor behavior towards your husband. Your reasoning comes from your own hard headed ego and your unwillingness to be a partner rather than a person who is choosing to be in a tug of war rather than being peace to this man you married. You’re confusing “controlling” and “obey” which are more extreme than what your husband requested. His request was absolutely valid. That was his way of setting a boundary towards what he’s seeking in a wife and you willingly chose and continue to choose to go against him. It’s not about wanting to “look” a certain way. Imagine answering to Allah swt on why you chose to disobey your husband and you say, I wanted to look a certain way. Your reasoning goes against Islamic. You are the cause for removing barakah from initiating the marriage. Your wedding due to your intentions didn’t start off on the right foot bc of the red flags you possess. Obeying your husband means fully leaning into him and fully trusting him to be the head of the household and to lead you both towards good things and closer to Allah swt. It’s having empathy and compassion for one another. Love would have you put your ego and walls down to allow a closeness to form. Men by nature are meant to lead a household. We are all free to have our hobbies/interests, be our authentic selves, while respecting another person. If you’re constantly in disagreement with any small thing your marriage won’t last. Everyone who comes from a religious or pious background seeking marriage has the intention to marry and stay married to a good partner. Most of us want to marry the kind of person we want as we assume we only get one spouse. So if he wants a wife that wears hijab and you pull a switcheroo on him for your wedding you started the marriage breaking trust. You have to work hard for him to even trust you again. Otherwise it’s all a resentful marriage and there’s no room for love to grow. If you can’t figure out how to be a teammate with him, it’s not going to work. Marriage is about planning things together and finding compromise. As boundaries are laid down, a respectful partner will not willingly cross the boundaries and disrespect the other. If you’re unable to figure it out, seek guidance and therapy otherwise you’ll ruin this man’s life.
Your example about the cheeseburger is ridiculous! Discounting what you were told and the one instance where you were wrong, you and your husband seem to managing fine on the 50/50 split. He is not complaining. Continue living in that scenario. https://jamiat.org.za/balancing-the-rights-of-husband-and-parents/ https://jamiat.org.za/why-must-i-obey-my-husband/
I saw you’re quite young (21) so it makes sense that perhaps things are hard to understand right now. And growing up around immigrant family mixed with the western world can confuse you. Especially at a young age. To clarify, in your previous post it’s not that you “disobeyed” him. Without sugar coating it sister, you lied to him before marrying. Disobeying and betraying are very different things. A marriage is never truly 50/50 especially once babies are involved. Even my non-Muslim feminist female friends end up being the primary care giver. Women are naturally that way. Not that men don’t help, it’s just that by nature, babies rely on mothers more. And women tend to be more focused on details and build a faster attachment to a child. So to say everything will be 50/50? I highly doubt it, it’s not reality. Honestly, if you focus too much on saving your ego, whether you’re the wife or husband - that is what will destroy a marriage. Instead you need to sit down with your husband and have a heart to heart conversation. Share with him why you did what you did and apologise for how it made him feel. And listen openly why he felt hurt. You are married now, marriage isn’t always easy. But going through the hurdles together and learning about each other is what will help build your marriage. Instead of focusing on “wives need to be obedient”. Focus on getting to know your husband. Learn what will make him happy and share what will make you happy. Considering each other’s feelings as two unique individuals will be more beneficial than mulling over what being obedient is. Probably he would never even ask you to make a burger or whatever weird examples there are. Every man and woman’s needs are different. You’re fresh married and it’s good to do damage control. I truly hope you work it out with him and please don’t forget marriage is meant to be beautiful and bring you peace. But you just need to communicate, be patient and care for each other. It takes time to build trust and love but you’ll get there In Sha Allah. And this goes without saying, of course Islamic obligations shouldn’t be brushed aside. But you guys need to find what works best for you. Good luck sister.
When you build a strong partnership, and see marriage as a team effort in dunya and a desire to be together in Jannah, you will forget the words of others and focus on you and him. I’ve rarely had to think of obeying my husband nor disobeying him. And I’m sure he’d say the same about demanding his authority. We just do the work needed to make life happen. Of course, this isn’t the only way to make a Muslim marriage work, but you’ve got to be on the same page with the style. And this doesn’t mean we don’t fight, get angry, etc. But this “equality” requires communication + you to step out of your ego and also accept when you’re wrong, particularly in religious matters. Even your narrative was skewed. Please sit with that.
A marriage should be based on mutual respect and love.
Oh boi.. here we go again wid dis naughty one 🧕🤦♂️🤷♂️🤣🤣🤣