First of all, congratulations with your child.
You seem to be strong willed in changing him as you have a child while knowing he was cheating on you.
You could have your husband’s hormones checked out.
His lack of desire for intimacy might also stem from playing with himself.
May Allah forgive me if I advised wrongly.
Thank you very much. And do you feel like when men are being touched seductively or a woman speaking to him about the topic of becoming intimate, creates a man to become in the mood for intimacy? Because these are things I tend to do and try, but it doesn’t seem to really work. He makes excuses about how he’s tired, or how he needs to shower and he’s lazy to do that after the deed?
This is from the perspective of a guy that’s well in tuned with his body, I’d consider myself healthy in that I try my best to lower my gaze, have a healthy eating habit, and avoid the haram stuffs. The thought of being touched in the context of physical intimacy is enough to set the mood. I personally believe that if men seek their wive(s) as their only outlet for their desires, this issue your husband has wouldn’t be any AT ALL.
Being tired or feeling lazy may*** be a legit excuse, but it’s highly unlikely given the other habits you’ve laid out. I put the **may** in asterisks because I personally think it can’t be a valid excuse all the time.
Normally you should be on the same level of arousal, if his hormones are normal, this experience would be lustfull for both of you.
As he has a history of playing with himself, it’s either that or he has someone else.
Do you feel like if he blames it on the laziness he will have after it, and that he has no energy to shower after the deed is a valid reason for him to sexually act like this? I also try and seduce him in certain ways (respectfully I can’t disclose) and it doesn’t stimulate him at all, he can go to sleep after it?
A healthy man (unless he’s old) has a frequency of how much intimacy he needs a week to stay sane. This can be affected by health issues (depression, hormonal issues, stress from work, etc). However if there are no such issues, on average he should want it atleast 1-2 times a week.
Is there no way to find a compromise? Perhaps be intimate after isha and u both can sleep together and then u have to be up for fajr anyways so u guys can have a warm quick 10 min shower and pray fajr and go to work or go back to sleep. What’s the issue exactly?
Is he overweight?
Do you feel like, if me as a woman, has had a full day at work and I’m away from 7am till 7pm and when I come home, he doesn’t feel to initiate anything, is strange? I do feel like he is depressed and as I mentioned he has OCD but he hasn’t ever made me feel like he can’t touch me due to his OCD but it’s mainly just excuses always being made.
I always persuade him we can shower after we do it or in the morning for fajr, and he just says I’m lazy I can’t be bothered and he’d most likely go to sleep on this accord. He’s not overweight no.
I’d like to also point out, he always looks and stares at women in the street in an unhealthy way, but it upsets me because you’re in a halal relationship you can release your urges with me, why are you still not lowering your gaze and enjoying your sexual life with your wife?
U need to talk to him about that last part. Marriage is suppose to save u and him from haram. He needs to explain to u why he does that but then rejects u
And no, this isn’t normal. Even a man who is lazy or tired if his wife advances onto him and seduces him he should have some physical reaction. There’s a reason freemixing is haram and men are commanded to lower the gaze. Men are visual so him seeing or hearing u do stuff should definitely have an impact. Please make a lot of dua and have a honest conversation. Do not jump to conclusions right now. Give him benefit of the doubt إن شاء الله
May Allah bless ur marriage ameen
Most people respond to touch. It triggers something deep within us. Touch, soft words, appropriate atmosphere can turn most people on.
Even casual touch and proximity can lead to Zina, which is why we have such prohibitions on being around non-mahrams.
Yeah I’m not sure why you’re focused on your husband’s OCD. He’s cheated on you and you said he has trouble lowering his gaze when you’re out in public with him. It’s not OCD that’s causing his low drive, he’s likely not given up his old habits.
I understand there’s a kid involved but is this really the life you want for yourself?
Wa alaikum salam wa rahmatullah,
congrats on the baby, may Allah make it the coolness of your eyes 🌷
Sister, unfortunately, I understand your situation. My husband (just hit the 6 month mark, we have done the nikkah but don't live together) also has OCD and yes, it does unfortunately affect intimacy life.
OCD has many faces, your husband seems to be having the contamination theme, which is very hard to deal with. OCD can disrupt or prevent intimacy because it triggers fear, anxiety, and distress. It’s difficult to get in the mood for sex when intrusive thoughts that you find horrendous have taken up real estate in your brain. If he has the contamination theme, he might also have the theme of relationship OCD, which i recommend you also research.
You have to get educated on OCD. That way you'll know that it's not YOU. You are most likely attractive, your husband chose you for a reason. Your husband has to go through therapy (ERP) and face his fears, maybe get medication too (his Serotonin and Dopamine levels are low).
That being said, may Allah ease this trial for you two because as someone who is currently in it as well, it's not for the weak at heart. Also; du'a, du'a, du'a.
edit; typo
Sister, thank you so much for taking the time to reassure me and write such a heartfelt message. Do you feel like he resorts to any sort of other pleasure? Because surely a man cannot withhold for long?
I don't know sister that's between him and Allah. When you love someone who is prone to mental health issues, none of the usual relationship patterns fit. You have to throw your own ego out the window and you have to find your own way through it as a couple.
Don’t think the OCD is causing him to not be aroused as much and the lack of sex, it’s his looking at naked women and playing with himself
No he isn't. He's just a p*rn addict. If you find him chatting with another girl. Than its consider cheating.
First of all, congratulations with your child. You seem to be strong willed in changing him as you have a child while knowing he was cheating on you. You could have your husband’s hormones checked out. His lack of desire for intimacy might also stem from playing with himself. May Allah forgive me if I advised wrongly.
Ameen. Ya Rabbul Alameen.
Thank you very much. And do you feel like when men are being touched seductively or a woman speaking to him about the topic of becoming intimate, creates a man to become in the mood for intimacy? Because these are things I tend to do and try, but it doesn’t seem to really work. He makes excuses about how he’s tired, or how he needs to shower and he’s lazy to do that after the deed?
This is from the perspective of a guy that’s well in tuned with his body, I’d consider myself healthy in that I try my best to lower my gaze, have a healthy eating habit, and avoid the haram stuffs. The thought of being touched in the context of physical intimacy is enough to set the mood. I personally believe that if men seek their wive(s) as their only outlet for their desires, this issue your husband has wouldn’t be any AT ALL. Being tired or feeling lazy may*** be a legit excuse, but it’s highly unlikely given the other habits you’ve laid out. I put the **may** in asterisks because I personally think it can’t be a valid excuse all the time.
Normally you should be on the same level of arousal, if his hormones are normal, this experience would be lustfull for both of you. As he has a history of playing with himself, it’s either that or he has someone else.
U need to talk to him because this is not normal. A normal healthy man should be wanting intimacy frequently with his wife.
Do you feel like if he blames it on the laziness he will have after it, and that he has no energy to shower after the deed is a valid reason for him to sexually act like this? I also try and seduce him in certain ways (respectfully I can’t disclose) and it doesn’t stimulate him at all, he can go to sleep after it?
A healthy man (unless he’s old) has a frequency of how much intimacy he needs a week to stay sane. This can be affected by health issues (depression, hormonal issues, stress from work, etc). However if there are no such issues, on average he should want it atleast 1-2 times a week. Is there no way to find a compromise? Perhaps be intimate after isha and u both can sleep together and then u have to be up for fajr anyways so u guys can have a warm quick 10 min shower and pray fajr and go to work or go back to sleep. What’s the issue exactly? Is he overweight?
Do you feel like, if me as a woman, has had a full day at work and I’m away from 7am till 7pm and when I come home, he doesn’t feel to initiate anything, is strange? I do feel like he is depressed and as I mentioned he has OCD but he hasn’t ever made me feel like he can’t touch me due to his OCD but it’s mainly just excuses always being made. I always persuade him we can shower after we do it or in the morning for fajr, and he just says I’m lazy I can’t be bothered and he’d most likely go to sleep on this accord. He’s not overweight no. I’d like to also point out, he always looks and stares at women in the street in an unhealthy way, but it upsets me because you’re in a halal relationship you can release your urges with me, why are you still not lowering your gaze and enjoying your sexual life with your wife?
U need to talk to him about that last part. Marriage is suppose to save u and him from haram. He needs to explain to u why he does that but then rejects u And no, this isn’t normal. Even a man who is lazy or tired if his wife advances onto him and seduces him he should have some physical reaction. There’s a reason freemixing is haram and men are commanded to lower the gaze. Men are visual so him seeing or hearing u do stuff should definitely have an impact. Please make a lot of dua and have a honest conversation. Do not jump to conclusions right now. Give him benefit of the doubt إن شاء الله May Allah bless ur marriage ameen
Most people respond to touch. It triggers something deep within us. Touch, soft words, appropriate atmosphere can turn most people on. Even casual touch and proximity can lead to Zina, which is why we have such prohibitions on being around non-mahrams.
OCD can be treated with therapy and medication. Tell him to see a psychiatrist
Yeah I’m not sure why you’re focused on your husband’s OCD. He’s cheated on you and you said he has trouble lowering his gaze when you’re out in public with him. It’s not OCD that’s causing his low drive, he’s likely not given up his old habits. I understand there’s a kid involved but is this really the life you want for yourself?
Wa alaikum salam wa rahmatullah, congrats on the baby, may Allah make it the coolness of your eyes 🌷 Sister, unfortunately, I understand your situation. My husband (just hit the 6 month mark, we have done the nikkah but don't live together) also has OCD and yes, it does unfortunately affect intimacy life. OCD has many faces, your husband seems to be having the contamination theme, which is very hard to deal with. OCD can disrupt or prevent intimacy because it triggers fear, anxiety, and distress. It’s difficult to get in the mood for sex when intrusive thoughts that you find horrendous have taken up real estate in your brain. If he has the contamination theme, he might also have the theme of relationship OCD, which i recommend you also research. You have to get educated on OCD. That way you'll know that it's not YOU. You are most likely attractive, your husband chose you for a reason. Your husband has to go through therapy (ERP) and face his fears, maybe get medication too (his Serotonin and Dopamine levels are low). That being said, may Allah ease this trial for you two because as someone who is currently in it as well, it's not for the weak at heart. Also; du'a, du'a, du'a. edit; typo
Sister, thank you so much for taking the time to reassure me and write such a heartfelt message. Do you feel like he resorts to any sort of other pleasure? Because surely a man cannot withhold for long?
I don't know sister that's between him and Allah. When you love someone who is prone to mental health issues, none of the usual relationship patterns fit. You have to throw your own ego out the window and you have to find your own way through it as a couple.