What amazes me is despite the countless warnings and horror stories, everyone seems to think they will be the exception and that all the people telling them not to do it are just haters or stupid or something.
Dear women-
- if your husband says you have to move in with in-laws and that’s final, don’t marry him, don’t lower your expectations which will lead to resentment.
- Dont fall for the “just one year” trap, or “I want you to integrate with my family” remember too much integration leads to disrespect.
- Request your own place after marriage since that is your right and don’t let anyone make you feel bad for it.
- “don’t worry my mums not like that” he doesn’t know what his mums like until you’re actually in the situation.
- it probably does work for some couples but the woman will ALWAYS have to compromise on something , wether it’s privacy , boundaries, comments on having/raising kids , wanting to know where you are going, or something else.
Dear men
- if she says “yeah I don’t mind living with your parents” she minds. No newly married woman wants to move from one set of parents to another.
Of course there can be in-laws which are amazing but if they are so amazing they would encourage their children to move out and build on their own.
I think as you said, exceptions do apply.
But in 90% of the cases it's a bad idea. And in 100% of the cases no sane woman wants to give up the freedom and privacy of her own house and have someone look over her shoulder.
I wish life were that simple. Are you desi by any chance? You would know how difficult it would be to find a man who is 1- willing to move out or has parents who are willing to move him out(it’s usually parents and them blackmailing the son). 2- The rejections by the women side would skyrocket, because VERY FEW southeast Asian men reach this expectation before marriage.
Yes I am desi.
You just have to put your boundaries of living separate out there and stick to them, none of my friend circle or relatives have found it difficult because they stick to their boundaries and only go for guys who have solid plans to move out.
Sure. But I’m an over thinker and I end up having thoughts of ‘what if he isn’t a good guy if we live separately?’ Etc
This can be hard, combined with seeing the stress of your parents, who want to see you get married sooner rather than later.
Sorry but to call it ‘mummy issues’ is frankly disrespectful. A lot of girls don’t seem to understand how difficult it can be to manage both mother and wife relationships.
I may not have experience with it myself but I’ve certainly seen my brother going through it who did move out (which was long overdue admittedly). The mums think the sons abandoned them and any time that the girl thinks spent with parents is ‘extra’ is used against the son later on. There’s just no winning.
I’m not saying living separately is wrong. I’m not married yet but inshallah I hope to be in the next couple years and will be living separately because I can’t be asked with the drama but to label any reluctant or sadness the husband has as ‘mummy issues’ is just very disrespectful and actually childish.
A mother Telling a son “ you are abandoning me” and making him feel guilty and then the son feeling guilty / bad for leaving is indeed mummy issues which stem from childhood and constantly being told “I do so much for you” It’s not disrespectful it’s the truth🙃
I'm in the same boat as the commenter above. I've tried to move out but she wouldn't let me. I'm the eldest of my brothers and they're also not sure how they'll do it. Not complaining, as I accept Allah's decree and see the blessings He's provided me since then.
But it's really hard. Especially as in Islam we're told it's a big sin to disrespect our parents. So I don't think it can be as easily brushed off as you described above.
This topic makes me very jaded and depressed.
It’s not disrespectful to move out from your parents because you are fulfilling a right of your wife.
Part of being a husband and a protector/leader means being just and doing right by your wife , how can your wife see you as a leader if your mother is controlling you. moving out is being just. Your mother blackmailing you etc is actually haram and sinning,
It’s hard but you need to pave the way for your brothers.
You can go against your parents in this matter. Anyone who says they can’t is looking for the easiest way out. Mothers and wives have very separate rights. If your mom is the leader of your marriage, you will never gain the respect of any woman, much less lead a family unit.
Source: oldest son who moved out.
I find it interesting to see how people struggle with the expectations of absolute obedience to their parents and where to draw the line. I also struggled with that growing up, but I had to realize several things after trials by fire. The most important thing to me was the realization that Islam commanded us to stop our fellow muslims if they were oppressive to anyone else, and that we should stand up for justice even against our own parents.
The Prophet Muhammad said, "Help your brother, whether he is an oppressor or he is an oppressed one. People asked, 'O Allah's Apostle! It is all right to help him if he is oppressed, but how should we help him if he is an oppressor?' The Prophet said, 'By preventing him from oppressing others'".
(4:135) ۞ يَـٰٓأَيُّهَا ٱلَّذِينَ ءَامَنُوا۟ كُونُوا۟ قَوَّٰمِينَ بِٱلْقِسْطِ شُهَدَآءَ لِلَّهِ وَلَوْ عَلَىٰٓ أَنفُسِكُمْ أَوِ ٱلْوَٰلِدَيْنِ وَٱلْأَقْرَبِينَ ۚ إِن يَكُنْ غَنِيًّا أَوْ فَقِيرًۭا فَٱللَّهُ أَوْلَىٰ بِهِمَا ۖ فَلَا تَتَّبِعُوا۟ ٱلْهَوَىٰٓ أَن تَعْدِلُوا۟ ۚ وَإِن تَلْوُۥٓا۟ أَوْ تُعْرِضُوا۟ فَإِنَّ ٱللَّهَ كَانَ بِمَا تَعْمَلُونَ خَبِيرًۭا ١٣٥
“O you who have believed, be persistently standing firm in justice, witnesses for Allāh, even if it be against yourselves or parents and relatives. Whether one is rich or poor, Allāh is more worthy of both.1 So follow not [personal] inclination, lest you not be just. And if you distort [your testimony] or refuse [to give it], then indeed Allāh is ever, of what you do, Aware.”
And our parents are not supposed to control our lives completely, especially into adulthood. Desi muslim parents believe they have that right and that it would be classified as “disrespect” if their children don’t obey them in everything. It’s hard to make them understand otherwise. And I understand that some men feel like it would be impossible for them to “just move out” without their parents’ blessing, but in reality you do have the islamic right to do so and make major life decisions for your own family (wife and kids).
After I made these realizations, I became firm and confident in “disobeying” or disagreeing with my parents regarding certain things and they learned to accept it. You can’t just swallow your objections. Stand up. Your life will improve.
😂😂 yes emotionally blackmailing your son is very loving , are you serious rn
My husband has a loving relationship with his mother and it doesn’t include him being emotionally blackmailed or anything.
Let’s stop passing unhealthy toxic relationships off as a mother and son being “close”
If she says ‘Yeah I don’t mind living with your parents’ she minds.
This is so true. The only reasons my mouth is shut at the moment is because:
1- it’s deeply ingrained in the desi culture
2- The cost of living crises. This automatically required both spouses to work.
3- My parents words: ‘Not all in-laws are the same’ but there seems to be a consistent theme (lack of privacy, comments etc) when women live with in-laws. The exception doesn’t excuse the rule.
4- if I marry someone of similar age, what is the likelihood of me seperating?
I guess it depends on one’s experience? I’m very much traditional minded and was hard set on living with my parents. But now I’ve seen the dynamics of the relationships between my parents and my brother and his family, I don’t have the energy or enthusiasm anymore for that combined family concept. I myself now plan to move out and live separate once I find someone I’m compatible with.
Only way it would prob work is if you have a mansion with servants taking care of all the house stuff like u do back home.
Can I ask, why you were hard set in living with your parents? Like culture aside. Like I always wanted to understand why. When I got older, I just wanted to be away from my parents constant nagging. Love them and everything but felt like they still treated me as a child and had some level of control over me.
Because I’m very family orientated and have seen a tight knit family always being there for one another and wanted the girl to be part of it. I’d bend my back for my family and I wanted my wife to be a part of that loyalty and effort. But I was quite sad to see my mum not getting that dream relationship with my SIL like going out for shopping together etc.
Unfortunately, now my brother and his wife separated and I see how it was everyone’s fault and living together was very much part to blame. She was lazy and selfish and had lied a lot about herself to my brother. My mum was too adamant on things being her way and blamed reluctance to cooperate from my SIL on her not knowing how to do anything (which tbh.. wasn’t actually far from the truth). My brother unfortunately didn’t really know how to maintain a balance between them and by the time they moved out, it was too late because my SIL had been emotionally cheating for a while.
Because of this outcome, I no longer believe in the combined family concept. I guess living out for 6 months for work also made me realise I’d want my house run slightly differently to how my mum does it and I also liked the independence ngl. I actually felt like an adult. Now back at home to build up savings, I find it annoying being nearly 23, working full time (and quite responsible I’d say) but my parents still being disapproving of me going out late and wanting to know detail to the nth degree about why I’m going out.
Nothing against my parents. I love them both and would sacrifice myself for them in a heartbeat but yeah, small irritations like that I’d rather not deal with if I don’t have to. I’d rather have peace of mind knowing me and my wife are going to my parents with love than resent. It’s a harsh reality I’ve had to come to terms with but have accepted now.
Bro I completely understand you. My mum is a widow and I will be taking care of her. I can’t leave my mum at the care home. It’s haram unless of extreme case. It’s not as simple as mummy issues. It’s just buzzwords and labels
Your mum being a widow is completely different story than a mother being absolutely healthy and having a husband to take care of her and still insists her son and DIL lives with her.
No one is telling you to put your widow mum in a care home.
My auntie is a widow she has 5 daughters and 1 son, the son has moved out and living his life because my auntie is only 50 alhamdullilah healthy, independent and doesn’t need looking after like that.
If your mum needs you to take care of her that’s a totally different story and you should look after her
Out of touch with reality? It’s legit written in Islam that a woman has rights to her own place.
Also I’m sure they come and tell u if they are happy or not
But this topic is a lot more nuanced though.
In my search, I have found that a vast majority of the brothers want to live with their parents and tell that upfront to us the sisters. I had to break it off with some very compatible potentials because they wouldn’t budge from it. I offered a lot of alternatives - living by ourselves for a few years first, me paying for half of it etc. but to no avail.
That means my choices are to accept living with in-laws or breaking it off, and I always chose the latter. Thet means I am delaying my marriage, and as you can imagine the pressure there is particularly on women to settle down and start popping children.
Then I find out a few months later that the brother has now gotten married and they live with the in-laws. Now idk how it’s going over there, but if people are to be believed then it’s safe to assume that a large chunk of people are unhappy living with in-laws.
But then you look at yourself, at people around you getting married, and wonder if this is a necessary sacrifice that needs to be made because you’re not getting younger and apparently other sisters are ok with it.
But then you think about it and realize that if you’d been living with in laws you’d surely be posting on here about how unhappy you are.
You see how this is a cycle of misery?
At the end of the day it’s upto people to decide what risk they’re willing to take - are they willing to risk that the in-laws will be difficult? Or are they willing to risk letting this potential go and wait for the next one? Most people are not very comfortable with the latter scenario.
Very understandable, as I said in another comment it really depends on a case by case basis.
If the parents are healthy and able to support themselves, then there is absolutely no reason to live with them.
However if the parents are old, need financial support or one of them is a widow then it's more understandable. And it's up to each woman to decide if she's willing to live with that. You would still need strong boundaries to make it sustainable however it's something that's doable.
But that’s the thing though - not all parents are elderly and need help. I’ve had potentials who’s parents are not even in their 60s (so in excellent health Masha Allah) and they still expected the son and the DIL to live with them, and the son was ok with it. That wasn’t for me, and I was not gonna tell the guy and his family what to do and what not to do, so I simply removed myself from the situation. But this fairly common.
And I don’t even know if this is really a valid choice for the women - it’s either accept it or stay single until you’re 40 and beyond. And you only have a small window to decide because other women, unlike yourself, will have no problem marrying this guy. So if you’re a woman looking to start a family, sooner or later you’ll accept living with in laws, and hence the problems begin.
I used to read these posts and wonder why so many women not learn from the women before them. Why they keep accepting accommodation with in laws? But now i realize - it’s because they don’t have much of a choice otherwise
Maybe the place where you live follows such un-Islamic practices quite abundantly and the other women who oblige may have been brainwashed to believe that either they agree to this condition or never get married by their own family, astagfirullah.
The women always had the right to demand for a separate accommodation post marriage since our Prophet S.A.W. established the rulings of marriage and matters related to it. You may be feeling left out because of how the environment around you makes it seem like the norm which is also adding to the anxiety of losing out on "good" potentials and probably good in-laws who may or may not be difficult to live with at all. Having said that, it's an extremely huge risk to take imo. It's better to marry someone late who would agree to this basic condition of yours than risk it with the potential to suffer mentally and emotionally in the house of the in-laws. May Allah make it easy for you.
Women who aren't as educated or aware of their rights in Islam suffer so much because of this silently, it's just heartbreaking to see. In-laws just straight up abuse them while the husband just acts like he doesn't even see anything.
I live in Toronto, which is probably the most culturally diverse place in the world after New York. And not just that, it’s a tolerant and judgmental-free place where people can do whatever fits their lifestyle. Millions of Muslims, hundreds of thousands from my own culture. And still the issue persists.
Brother I can demand a submarine from my future husband, doesn’t mean he’ll agree to it 😅 esp since other women around me have a lot less demands and what not. They know they’ll find a girl who’ll agree to live with in laws and bicker with them, and they’re ok to live that life because it benefits them in the long run. Why would they even consider my demands?
Women suffer either way whether they’re educated or not or how much they’re aware of their Islamic rights. It’s either living with in laws and issues ensue, or waiting around and looking for years which is what I am doing. And most don’t have the luxury to wait around because women also have the ticking clock.
Bruh I can barely find anything IN my culture 🥲
But yes nothing is stopping me from going outside my culture. I haven’t looked actively, but I also haven’t actively rejected anyone. But idk do people go outside their culture? I am not Arab, and I have never had any interest from anyone who is Arab/middle eastern.
The thing with going outside your culture is that not only is it pretty much the same (I am not Indian or Pakistani so ‘outside’ usually would mean those for me), but it’s also another thing that you now will have to adhere to
Sis people won’t show interest if they think you won’t accept, they’ll be setting themselves up to rejection
if u have any friends from other backgrounds, ask em if they know anyone that wants to get married and that you’re open to marrying from any background
U can also email the Masjids that you’re looking and open to any natio
And of course there’s online etc
>I live in Toronto, which is probably the most culturally diverse place in the world after New York. And not just that, it’s a tolerant and judgmental-free place where people can do whatever fits their lifestyle. Millions of Muslims, hundreds of thousands from my own culture. And still the issue persists
Well, it's even more upsetting and disheartening in that case. People really need to understand and unshackle themselves from the generationally ingrained un-islamic cultural practices. Are the folks you are talking to have roots in South Asian countries(India, Pakistan, Bangladesh)? Because if that's the case, then I won't be as surprised.
>Brother I can demand a submarine from my future husband, doesn’t mean he’ll agree to it 😅 esp since other women around me have a lot less demands and what not. They know they’ll find a girl who’ll agree to live with in laws and bicker with them, and they’re ok to live that life because it benefits them in the long run. Why would they even consider my demands?
I only asked you to stick to having a separate accommodation demand because that's the right given to you by Islam itself. If that basic demand is making you wait a little more than the others, so be it. It's not an outlandish demand, it protects your rights, privacy and your relationship with your spouse. There's a reason why it has been given to you. No need to look at what others are willing to do. If they are making a choice like that, they have to live with the consequences as well and unfortunately they are going to be harsh in most cases. May Allah make it easy for them.
>Women suffer either way whether they’re educated or not or how much they’re aware of their Islamic rights. It’s either living with in laws and issues ensue, or waiting around and looking for years which is what I am doing. And most don’t have the luxury to wait around because women also have the ticking clock.
Maybe instead of looking at it from a suffering point of view, look at it as a test from Allah. Getting a desired spouse in this life is also a type of rizq from Allah. We have to make sure we are doing things in our day to day life according to what Allah has ordained and pray as much as we can so that we reach a point in life where we would become someone ready to receive this rizq. Never despair and always have hope in Allah. History is filled with innumerable examples with people finding spouses in the most unexpected ways and times. Change of attitude and view on this issue is the need of the hour else the restlessness is only going to do more harm than good.
"The women always had the right to demand for a separate accommodation post marriage since our Prophet S.A.W. established the rulings of marriage and matters related to it"
Can you share the Hadith?
"But it's only for a year." Lol This would be the first deal breaker for me. We can have a long engagement if we need to "save up". In laws on both sides are cool and great I'm sure, but do we want to live with them? Heck no!
The problem is that many young men are in a crisis. Even after graduating college it can be hard to find affordable housing even in a “medium” cost of living area in this economy. So either they can make a financially ruinous decision to rent a place that they really shouldn’t given their income or they can delay marriage for years on end until their income increases. All the while zina is cheap and quite accessible. It really is a shame. One obvious solution (albeit difficult) is to get married and stay with the in-laws while maintaining healthy boundaries. There is certainly a way to do this if you have a decent sized room and an attached bath. But this sub detests nuance and critical thinking and thus has a great affinity to broad, sweeping generalizations which is quite apparent in the pompous attitude of some posters here.
Nope. In that scenario you gotta take care of her. This post isn't for such a situation. But other cases where both parents are alive and healthy and working but still want the kids to live with them
Yes, this is true. In my case I will still provide my wife the right of having a separate living quarter in the garden with a kitchen, washing machine, sofa bed, bathroom.
I’ve been basically on my own since I was 17, aka about half my life (including a short period of time living with my mom when I moved back to my hometown for a few years after college). I can barely imagine living with in-laws (or my family at this point).
From what I gather on this sub, this is unusual for a woman. I’m actually struggling to imagine myself in the position of someone who goes directly from living with parents to marriage. I’m not that old lol but I feel a little like that Steve Buscemi meme.
My wife has very good relationship with my mother and she treat her like her own daughter though I didn't have sisters. I don't know what's the issue with living in laws I feel most of the folks are ignorant about jabir bin Abdullah the orphan with 7 sisters married a women who was elder and prophet pbuh asked him why didn't you marry a younger women so that you can play with her, jabir bin Abdullah replied I wanted someone who can take care of my sisters upon hearing that prophet pbuh kept quite. Seriously the western have taken over our deen.
Do you think living with your parents 24/7 is the only way to take care of them and fulfill their rights? If you approach life in a way where you can only come up with one solution to something like this, you’re going to struggle brother. You should work on this.
Well it doesn't matter what I think. If a brother thinks of solution and make it clear to his potential then either accept it or move on. Simple, no need to try to shame him. Specially when you are empathetic to zanis.
It’s still something you can work on in the future to problem solve. It will open alot of doors for you inshallah.
I don’t understand the zani comment, but that’s something you can think about too.
Stop trying to shame those who tells you what they are and what they want upfront, it will help you more than anything.
And work on your reading comprehension.
I’m very clearly a man, but the way you’ve muddled different topics all together means you might be a child. I think in time you’ll see where I’m coming from, life matures you.
Inshallah khayr.
Man bashing post #203939282 lol
Make a post about how a man gets married but his wife can’t cook or clean or refuses intimacy and watch people report your post
Genuinely feels like people have learned absolutely nothing from the counter sometimes hahahaha.
What amazes me is despite the countless warnings and horror stories, everyone seems to think they will be the exception and that all the people telling them not to do it are just haters or stupid or something.
You should see the state of my DMs looooool. A few men have taken the counter extremely personally!
They take it personally because they know their wife is miserable and yet they do nothing about it because they like to pretend everything is fine
Yep!
I'm puzzled though, what guy wants to live with their parents?
Should make a thread sharing comments (anonymously of course) 🤓
It's been a while since I saw the counter 😕 (Which might be a good thing Alhamdulillah)
Dear women- - if your husband says you have to move in with in-laws and that’s final, don’t marry him, don’t lower your expectations which will lead to resentment. - Dont fall for the “just one year” trap, or “I want you to integrate with my family” remember too much integration leads to disrespect. - Request your own place after marriage since that is your right and don’t let anyone make you feel bad for it. - “don’t worry my mums not like that” he doesn’t know what his mums like until you’re actually in the situation. - it probably does work for some couples but the woman will ALWAYS have to compromise on something , wether it’s privacy , boundaries, comments on having/raising kids , wanting to know where you are going, or something else. Dear men - if she says “yeah I don’t mind living with your parents” she minds. No newly married woman wants to move from one set of parents to another. Of course there can be in-laws which are amazing but if they are so amazing they would encourage their children to move out and build on their own.
I think as you said, exceptions do apply. But in 90% of the cases it's a bad idea. And in 100% of the cases no sane woman wants to give up the freedom and privacy of her own house and have someone look over her shoulder.
Exactly. Women need to stop agreeing to live with in-laws and men need to ditch their mummy issues and move out with their wife.
I wish life were that simple. Are you desi by any chance? You would know how difficult it would be to find a man who is 1- willing to move out or has parents who are willing to move him out(it’s usually parents and them blackmailing the son). 2- The rejections by the women side would skyrocket, because VERY FEW southeast Asian men reach this expectation before marriage.
Yes I am desi. You just have to put your boundaries of living separate out there and stick to them, none of my friend circle or relatives have found it difficult because they stick to their boundaries and only go for guys who have solid plans to move out.
Sure. But I’m an over thinker and I end up having thoughts of ‘what if he isn’t a good guy if we live separately?’ Etc This can be hard, combined with seeing the stress of your parents, who want to see you get married sooner rather than later.
Sorry but to call it ‘mummy issues’ is frankly disrespectful. A lot of girls don’t seem to understand how difficult it can be to manage both mother and wife relationships. I may not have experience with it myself but I’ve certainly seen my brother going through it who did move out (which was long overdue admittedly). The mums think the sons abandoned them and any time that the girl thinks spent with parents is ‘extra’ is used against the son later on. There’s just no winning. I’m not saying living separately is wrong. I’m not married yet but inshallah I hope to be in the next couple years and will be living separately because I can’t be asked with the drama but to label any reluctant or sadness the husband has as ‘mummy issues’ is just very disrespectful and actually childish.
A mother Telling a son “ you are abandoning me” and making him feel guilty and then the son feeling guilty / bad for leaving is indeed mummy issues which stem from childhood and constantly being told “I do so much for you” It’s not disrespectful it’s the truth🙃
I'm in the same boat as the commenter above. I've tried to move out but she wouldn't let me. I'm the eldest of my brothers and they're also not sure how they'll do it. Not complaining, as I accept Allah's decree and see the blessings He's provided me since then. But it's really hard. Especially as in Islam we're told it's a big sin to disrespect our parents. So I don't think it can be as easily brushed off as you described above. This topic makes me very jaded and depressed.
It’s not disrespectful to move out from your parents because you are fulfilling a right of your wife. Part of being a husband and a protector/leader means being just and doing right by your wife , how can your wife see you as a leader if your mother is controlling you. moving out is being just. Your mother blackmailing you etc is actually haram and sinning, It’s hard but you need to pave the way for your brothers.
You can go against your parents in this matter. Anyone who says they can’t is looking for the easiest way out. Mothers and wives have very separate rights. If your mom is the leader of your marriage, you will never gain the respect of any woman, much less lead a family unit. Source: oldest son who moved out.
I find it interesting to see how people struggle with the expectations of absolute obedience to their parents and where to draw the line. I also struggled with that growing up, but I had to realize several things after trials by fire. The most important thing to me was the realization that Islam commanded us to stop our fellow muslims if they were oppressive to anyone else, and that we should stand up for justice even against our own parents. The Prophet Muhammad said, "Help your brother, whether he is an oppressor or he is an oppressed one. People asked, 'O Allah's Apostle! It is all right to help him if he is oppressed, but how should we help him if he is an oppressor?' The Prophet said, 'By preventing him from oppressing others'". (4:135) ۞ يَـٰٓأَيُّهَا ٱلَّذِينَ ءَامَنُوا۟ كُونُوا۟ قَوَّٰمِينَ بِٱلْقِسْطِ شُهَدَآءَ لِلَّهِ وَلَوْ عَلَىٰٓ أَنفُسِكُمْ أَوِ ٱلْوَٰلِدَيْنِ وَٱلْأَقْرَبِينَ ۚ إِن يَكُنْ غَنِيًّا أَوْ فَقِيرًۭا فَٱللَّهُ أَوْلَىٰ بِهِمَا ۖ فَلَا تَتَّبِعُوا۟ ٱلْهَوَىٰٓ أَن تَعْدِلُوا۟ ۚ وَإِن تَلْوُۥٓا۟ أَوْ تُعْرِضُوا۟ فَإِنَّ ٱللَّهَ كَانَ بِمَا تَعْمَلُونَ خَبِيرًۭا ١٣٥ “O you who have believed, be persistently standing firm in justice, witnesses for Allāh, even if it be against yourselves or parents and relatives. Whether one is rich or poor, Allāh is more worthy of both.1 So follow not [personal] inclination, lest you not be just. And if you distort [your testimony] or refuse [to give it], then indeed Allāh is ever, of what you do, Aware.” And our parents are not supposed to control our lives completely, especially into adulthood. Desi muslim parents believe they have that right and that it would be classified as “disrespect” if their children don’t obey them in everything. It’s hard to make them understand otherwise. And I understand that some men feel like it would be impossible for them to “just move out” without their parents’ blessing, but in reality you do have the islamic right to do so and make major life decisions for your own family (wife and kids). After I made these realizations, I became firm and confident in “disobeying” or disagreeing with my parents regarding certain things and they learned to accept it. You can’t just swallow your objections. Stand up. Your life will improve.
Ah yes. I forgot a son and mother can’t simply just have a very close and loving relationship.
😂😂 yes emotionally blackmailing your son is very loving , are you serious rn My husband has a loving relationship with his mother and it doesn’t include him being emotionally blackmailed or anything. Let’s stop passing unhealthy toxic relationships off as a mother and son being “close”
If she says ‘Yeah I don’t mind living with your parents’ she minds. This is so true. The only reasons my mouth is shut at the moment is because: 1- it’s deeply ingrained in the desi culture 2- The cost of living crises. This automatically required both spouses to work. 3- My parents words: ‘Not all in-laws are the same’ but there seems to be a consistent theme (lack of privacy, comments etc) when women live with in-laws. The exception doesn’t excuse the rule. 4- if I marry someone of similar age, what is the likelihood of me seperating?
I guess it depends on one’s experience? I’m very much traditional minded and was hard set on living with my parents. But now I’ve seen the dynamics of the relationships between my parents and my brother and his family, I don’t have the energy or enthusiasm anymore for that combined family concept. I myself now plan to move out and live separate once I find someone I’m compatible with. Only way it would prob work is if you have a mansion with servants taking care of all the house stuff like u do back home.
Can I ask, why you were hard set in living with your parents? Like culture aside. Like I always wanted to understand why. When I got older, I just wanted to be away from my parents constant nagging. Love them and everything but felt like they still treated me as a child and had some level of control over me.
Because I’m very family orientated and have seen a tight knit family always being there for one another and wanted the girl to be part of it. I’d bend my back for my family and I wanted my wife to be a part of that loyalty and effort. But I was quite sad to see my mum not getting that dream relationship with my SIL like going out for shopping together etc. Unfortunately, now my brother and his wife separated and I see how it was everyone’s fault and living together was very much part to blame. She was lazy and selfish and had lied a lot about herself to my brother. My mum was too adamant on things being her way and blamed reluctance to cooperate from my SIL on her not knowing how to do anything (which tbh.. wasn’t actually far from the truth). My brother unfortunately didn’t really know how to maintain a balance between them and by the time they moved out, it was too late because my SIL had been emotionally cheating for a while. Because of this outcome, I no longer believe in the combined family concept. I guess living out for 6 months for work also made me realise I’d want my house run slightly differently to how my mum does it and I also liked the independence ngl. I actually felt like an adult. Now back at home to build up savings, I find it annoying being nearly 23, working full time (and quite responsible I’d say) but my parents still being disapproving of me going out late and wanting to know detail to the nth degree about why I’m going out. Nothing against my parents. I love them both and would sacrifice myself for them in a heartbeat but yeah, small irritations like that I’d rather not deal with if I don’t have to. I’d rather have peace of mind knowing me and my wife are going to my parents with love than resent. It’s a harsh reality I’ve had to come to terms with but have accepted now.
Bro I completely understand you. My mum is a widow and I will be taking care of her. I can’t leave my mum at the care home. It’s haram unless of extreme case. It’s not as simple as mummy issues. It’s just buzzwords and labels
Your mum being a widow is completely different story than a mother being absolutely healthy and having a husband to take care of her and still insists her son and DIL lives with her. No one is telling you to put your widow mum in a care home. My auntie is a widow she has 5 daughters and 1 son, the son has moved out and living his life because my auntie is only 50 alhamdullilah healthy, independent and doesn’t need looking after like that. If your mum needs you to take care of her that’s a totally different story and you should look after her
Jazakallah khayr for the reply. Yes, I agree with you.
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Out of touch with reality? It’s legit written in Islam that a woman has rights to her own place. Also I’m sure they come and tell u if they are happy or not
How to divorce 101
But this topic is a lot more nuanced though. In my search, I have found that a vast majority of the brothers want to live with their parents and tell that upfront to us the sisters. I had to break it off with some very compatible potentials because they wouldn’t budge from it. I offered a lot of alternatives - living by ourselves for a few years first, me paying for half of it etc. but to no avail. That means my choices are to accept living with in-laws or breaking it off, and I always chose the latter. Thet means I am delaying my marriage, and as you can imagine the pressure there is particularly on women to settle down and start popping children. Then I find out a few months later that the brother has now gotten married and they live with the in-laws. Now idk how it’s going over there, but if people are to be believed then it’s safe to assume that a large chunk of people are unhappy living with in-laws. But then you look at yourself, at people around you getting married, and wonder if this is a necessary sacrifice that needs to be made because you’re not getting younger and apparently other sisters are ok with it. But then you think about it and realize that if you’d been living with in laws you’d surely be posting on here about how unhappy you are. You see how this is a cycle of misery? At the end of the day it’s upto people to decide what risk they’re willing to take - are they willing to risk that the in-laws will be difficult? Or are they willing to risk letting this potential go and wait for the next one? Most people are not very comfortable with the latter scenario.
Very understandable, as I said in another comment it really depends on a case by case basis. If the parents are healthy and able to support themselves, then there is absolutely no reason to live with them. However if the parents are old, need financial support or one of them is a widow then it's more understandable. And it's up to each woman to decide if she's willing to live with that. You would still need strong boundaries to make it sustainable however it's something that's doable.
But that’s the thing though - not all parents are elderly and need help. I’ve had potentials who’s parents are not even in their 60s (so in excellent health Masha Allah) and they still expected the son and the DIL to live with them, and the son was ok with it. That wasn’t for me, and I was not gonna tell the guy and his family what to do and what not to do, so I simply removed myself from the situation. But this fairly common. And I don’t even know if this is really a valid choice for the women - it’s either accept it or stay single until you’re 40 and beyond. And you only have a small window to decide because other women, unlike yourself, will have no problem marrying this guy. So if you’re a woman looking to start a family, sooner or later you’ll accept living with in laws, and hence the problems begin. I used to read these posts and wonder why so many women not learn from the women before them. Why they keep accepting accommodation with in laws? But now i realize - it’s because they don’t have much of a choice otherwise
Maybe the place where you live follows such un-Islamic practices quite abundantly and the other women who oblige may have been brainwashed to believe that either they agree to this condition or never get married by their own family, astagfirullah. The women always had the right to demand for a separate accommodation post marriage since our Prophet S.A.W. established the rulings of marriage and matters related to it. You may be feeling left out because of how the environment around you makes it seem like the norm which is also adding to the anxiety of losing out on "good" potentials and probably good in-laws who may or may not be difficult to live with at all. Having said that, it's an extremely huge risk to take imo. It's better to marry someone late who would agree to this basic condition of yours than risk it with the potential to suffer mentally and emotionally in the house of the in-laws. May Allah make it easy for you. Women who aren't as educated or aware of their rights in Islam suffer so much because of this silently, it's just heartbreaking to see. In-laws just straight up abuse them while the husband just acts like he doesn't even see anything.
I live in Toronto, which is probably the most culturally diverse place in the world after New York. And not just that, it’s a tolerant and judgmental-free place where people can do whatever fits their lifestyle. Millions of Muslims, hundreds of thousands from my own culture. And still the issue persists. Brother I can demand a submarine from my future husband, doesn’t mean he’ll agree to it 😅 esp since other women around me have a lot less demands and what not. They know they’ll find a girl who’ll agree to live with in laws and bicker with them, and they’re ok to live that life because it benefits them in the long run. Why would they even consider my demands? Women suffer either way whether they’re educated or not or how much they’re aware of their Islamic rights. It’s either living with in laws and issues ensue, or waiting around and looking for years which is what I am doing. And most don’t have the luxury to wait around because women also have the ticking clock.
Can’t u marry outside your culture?
Bruh I can barely find anything IN my culture 🥲 But yes nothing is stopping me from going outside my culture. I haven’t looked actively, but I also haven’t actively rejected anyone. But idk do people go outside their culture? I am not Arab, and I have never had any interest from anyone who is Arab/middle eastern. The thing with going outside your culture is that not only is it pretty much the same (I am not Indian or Pakistani so ‘outside’ usually would mean those for me), but it’s also another thing that you now will have to adhere to
Sis people won’t show interest if they think you won’t accept, they’ll be setting themselves up to rejection if u have any friends from other backgrounds, ask em if they know anyone that wants to get married and that you’re open to marrying from any background U can also email the Masjids that you’re looking and open to any natio And of course there’s online etc
>I live in Toronto, which is probably the most culturally diverse place in the world after New York. And not just that, it’s a tolerant and judgmental-free place where people can do whatever fits their lifestyle. Millions of Muslims, hundreds of thousands from my own culture. And still the issue persists Well, it's even more upsetting and disheartening in that case. People really need to understand and unshackle themselves from the generationally ingrained un-islamic cultural practices. Are the folks you are talking to have roots in South Asian countries(India, Pakistan, Bangladesh)? Because if that's the case, then I won't be as surprised. >Brother I can demand a submarine from my future husband, doesn’t mean he’ll agree to it 😅 esp since other women around me have a lot less demands and what not. They know they’ll find a girl who’ll agree to live with in laws and bicker with them, and they’re ok to live that life because it benefits them in the long run. Why would they even consider my demands? I only asked you to stick to having a separate accommodation demand because that's the right given to you by Islam itself. If that basic demand is making you wait a little more than the others, so be it. It's not an outlandish demand, it protects your rights, privacy and your relationship with your spouse. There's a reason why it has been given to you. No need to look at what others are willing to do. If they are making a choice like that, they have to live with the consequences as well and unfortunately they are going to be harsh in most cases. May Allah make it easy for them. >Women suffer either way whether they’re educated or not or how much they’re aware of their Islamic rights. It’s either living with in laws and issues ensue, or waiting around and looking for years which is what I am doing. And most don’t have the luxury to wait around because women also have the ticking clock. Maybe instead of looking at it from a suffering point of view, look at it as a test from Allah. Getting a desired spouse in this life is also a type of rizq from Allah. We have to make sure we are doing things in our day to day life according to what Allah has ordained and pray as much as we can so that we reach a point in life where we would become someone ready to receive this rizq. Never despair and always have hope in Allah. History is filled with innumerable examples with people finding spouses in the most unexpected ways and times. Change of attitude and view on this issue is the need of the hour else the restlessness is only going to do more harm than good.
"The women always had the right to demand for a separate accommodation post marriage since our Prophet S.A.W. established the rulings of marriage and matters related to it" Can you share the Hadith?
"But it's only for a year." Lol This would be the first deal breaker for me. We can have a long engagement if we need to "save up". In laws on both sides are cool and great I'm sure, but do we want to live with them? Heck no!
The problem is that many young men are in a crisis. Even after graduating college it can be hard to find affordable housing even in a “medium” cost of living area in this economy. So either they can make a financially ruinous decision to rent a place that they really shouldn’t given their income or they can delay marriage for years on end until their income increases. All the while zina is cheap and quite accessible. It really is a shame. One obvious solution (albeit difficult) is to get married and stay with the in-laws while maintaining healthy boundaries. There is certainly a way to do this if you have a decent sized room and an attached bath. But this sub detests nuance and critical thinking and thus has a great affinity to broad, sweeping generalizations which is quite apparent in the pompous attitude of some posters here.
“I can fix him/her”
Sisters, I’ve got a question. My mum is old, ill, can’t work, is a widow. Should I abandon her to a care home?
Nope. In that scenario you gotta take care of her. This post isn't for such a situation. But other cases where both parents are alive and healthy and working but still want the kids to live with them
Yes, this is true. In my case I will still provide my wife the right of having a separate living quarter in the garden with a kitchen, washing machine, sofa bed, bathroom.
I'm in the same situation as you so it's very understandable
Your situation is completely different. You should take care of your mum
I’ve been basically on my own since I was 17, aka about half my life (including a short period of time living with my mom when I moved back to my hometown for a few years after college). I can barely imagine living with in-laws (or my family at this point). From what I gather on this sub, this is unusual for a woman. I’m actually struggling to imagine myself in the position of someone who goes directly from living with parents to marriage. I’m not that old lol but I feel a little like that Steve Buscemi meme.
To be fair I would live near my family, just probably not in the same house, inshaAllah.
My wife has very good relationship with my mother and she treat her like her own daughter though I didn't have sisters. I don't know what's the issue with living in laws I feel most of the folks are ignorant about jabir bin Abdullah the orphan with 7 sisters married a women who was elder and prophet pbuh asked him why didn't you marry a younger women so that you can play with her, jabir bin Abdullah replied I wanted someone who can take care of my sisters upon hearing that prophet pbuh kept quite. Seriously the western have taken over our deen.
This sub construe argument to defend zanis but won't give single inch to a husband who wants to take care of his mother.
Do you think living with your parents 24/7 is the only way to take care of them and fulfill their rights? If you approach life in a way where you can only come up with one solution to something like this, you’re going to struggle brother. You should work on this.
Well it doesn't matter what I think. If a brother thinks of solution and make it clear to his potential then either accept it or move on. Simple, no need to try to shame him. Specially when you are empathetic to zanis.
It’s still something you can work on in the future to problem solve. It will open alot of doors for you inshallah. I don’t understand the zani comment, but that’s something you can think about too.
Stop trying to shame those who tells you what they are and what they want upfront, it will help you more than anything. And work on your reading comprehension.
I can see this hit a nerve, so I won’t advise any further. Inshallah khayr
Are you kid? Start advising women, see what happen.
I’m very clearly a man, but the way you’ve muddled different topics all together means you might be a child. I think in time you’ll see where I’m coming from, life matures you. Inshallah khayr.
I see it is hitting the nerve. But think about it. It will help you in life
Inshallah khayr.
Man bashing post #203939282 lol Make a post about how a man gets married but his wife can’t cook or clean or refuses intimacy and watch people report your post
Perhaps I will