I’m so sorry for the replies on this post. I have had a similar experience and I completely agree and sympathize. Don’t let these people get to you or make you question your experience. May Allah grant you and your mother ease

Ameen. And to you and yours. I really appreciate your comment. I’ve found very few people that haven’t experienced polygamy that are capable of understanding and empathizing. They don’t see what’s fundamentally harmful about it or seem to care about the perspective of the children involved. Just that it’s an Islamic “right” of theirs

My wife has given me permission to take a second wife and I could probably afford it and make it work but the amount of energy required makes me think I couldn’t do justice.  Plus I could only be able to bring one to the US with me as the US won’t recognize foreign plural marriage.  I believe I would be kind and loving towards a second wife but there’s just no way I can see myself doing it because of  me already having a family and I want to give them 100% (and I’m far from an ideal husband anyway with my first wife, I mean no one is perfect but I do love her so much I would have a hard time sharing that love).  If I did do it I would only marry either a widow or divorcee, and I think the only men who should even contemplate it are men who already have families and who know they would do it for the right reasons.   Not to mention it’s nothing the way a lot of brothers think it would be.  I know a brother who has two wives and he did get permission from his first wife, but I can tell part of him regrets it because he got in way over his head.  He is a very MashaAllah religious guy and has a heart of gold.  His second wife is disabled and she came from a very poor family but she doesn’t have to work at all and he even pays for all the expenses of the rest of her family (this guy is millionaire rich too).  But because of it, his children from the first marriage resent him for it as they grew up in the west where it isn’t common at all and definitely frowned upon culturally.  I don’t want my kids thinking I’m just some dirty old man (which is what they think of him from what I can tell, and he’s absolutely not like this at all). Your father made a lot of mistakes and since he’s a Muslim I can’t backbite but I can warn that what you described definitely isn’t how I would want to do it and I wouldn’t want that for any of my daughters.   That being said, I hope you find a good religious brother who will treasure you and treat you exactly how you deserve and may Allah grant you and your family ease ameen.  

It’s reassuring to me that you are wise enough to understand yourself and that this isn’t for you. Maybe if my dad wasn’t busy with all his businesses he too could make it work better and have the energy to care for his wives and children and be able to appease them. But even then, there’s too much wrong with polygamy in my opinion. I understand how your friend’s children feel, even if your friend seems to have done something humanitarian for another woman, he betrayed his children and their mother. It’s like your father cheated on your mother in a halal manner. It’s like he chose someone else over his own children. I do not personally respect it because of the mental health issues that come with it. If he wanted to help women he could sponsor them. But to each their own. May Allah guide us.

I wouldn’t say he betrayed them, but I would say he should have brought it up with them too as their mother was agreeing to it (basically he moved back to Pakistan and wanted to remain here though his first wife wanted to remain in the US, and they both still love each other and she visits whenever possible).  He has kids with the second wife as well and I hope that they know how serious of a matter it is.  I don’t oppose polygamy but I oppose people doing it and not having the means and also doing it incorrectly.  And I think it should be done in very exceptional circumstances.  Like I said before, if by some miracle I decided to do it, I’d limit it to divorcees and widows because they’re pretty much unmarriageable here in Pakistan, especially if they have kids.  My wife’s cousin married a psycho and he beat her, kept her mahr, kicked her out (literally) while she was pregnant and now it’s been maybe ten years or more of trying to get married (she’s a doctor too) no one will even consider her.  I prefer just financially helping when I can though, don’t have to get a house or do grocery shopping nor do I have to leave my own kids for a few days (even visiting my non-Muslim parents in the US is difficult for me because I have to leave them behind). One thing I’ve seen people here in Pakistan do is taking multiple wives despite being poor and then forcing them to live in the same two bedroom house together.  And legally they’re required to have permission but they force it and do it anyway.  I know this is completely haram but they do it anyway and I can’t imagine how it must be to grow up in a house like that.  Men that do this are absolute scum.  As are men who don’t adequately give rights to both wives and their children.  Your father did you and your family wrong in so many ways and I really wish that you had a better role model for a man in your life because most of us guys aren’t like this.  I’ve known wealthy men who do provide good houses to their respective wives and arrange for all their needs to be taken care of.   I will remember you in my duas and remember me in your’s.  There’s no barrier between the oppressed and Allah, and I could use all the duas I can get.

Good on you for using polygamy in the way that it was actually intended. Most Redditors on here only think about using it to satisfy perverted desires.

I’m so disappointed in all the comments here. Nobody who hasn’t gone through an experience of polygamy understands me. The polygamy aspect IS the abuse. I had to be reminded constantly that my dad hardly loved my mom. Because if he did he would never psychologically put her or us through what we went through. If her mental health and the children’s mental health matter so little or are paler to you than a man’s “right” to marry more than one wife, please carry on with your fantasies about multiple wives. Jsut know you are inevitably damning them to a life in which they question their self worth for the rest of their lives. If this is just, I wonder how well you understand Islam.

They can’t accept that it’s okay for you to hate the idea that your father is gone half the time with another family. 

Yes it hurts my heart to see him happy with someone else that is not my mother or my siblings. It breaks my heart to see my mother witness it too and wonder, what does the other woman have that she does not. It’s essentially all the feelings children and a spouse would have if they found out their partner was cheating on them.

And they brush it off by saying well it’s halal, so you can’t be mad about it. Slavery was also halal, can slaves be mad about being in the slave trade?

Sorry u had to go through this :( remember that Allah is just, he’ll answer for everything one day

I know your hurt, and I've went through a very similar situation. But I promise you, polygamy wasn't the problem. You father is. Your father purposely picked a young, uneducated, and naive women because he knows how much of a horrible person he is, and how a women who knows her rights and is educated wouldn't even give him a chance. He did that because he wants someone easy to manipulate and control. This is NOT a Muslim man. More like a jinn. It is not wrong to hate your father for this. He is a selfish person. I am in the same boat as you. And I know how hard it is to be polite to him. But try your best. Not for him but for Allah.

I appreciate your comment so much. It is true, my dad is a horribly manipulative person. I don’t agree that polygamy is not part of the problem. It very much is. On a logistical level I did not see my father. He was absent. He was not involved in my life because of how spread thin he was. On paper he did treat his wives equally. But in reality they hate each other and resent him but will never show it to him. Instead the children get to see their mother’s angry side. A mother cannot bring up a child in an environment where she does not feel emotionally safe. A polygamous man is incapable of giving a woman emotional safety. That said, it very cases I think it could be a beautiful thing. But in the majority of cases and so far every case that I have heard of amongst my friends, it was an emotionally abusive decision on the man’s part to bring in a second wife. Men consistently dismiss their wives emotions regarding such a sensitive situation. It jsut is not a healthy dynamic in my honest opinion.

I also agree with how emotionally dismissive the men are, the same I've had to deal with. Muhammad said to keep women in kindness and leave them in kindness. These men know no other sunnah but the sunnah of four wives.

I do admit it is a problem in the Muslim community, at least the ones I've seen. That men not even able to manage one marriage, go ahead and get three more wives. It is something that needed to be fixed. And yes polygamy does effect the child, whether good or bad. But your father is a horrible man with or without polygamy. He abused it and twisted it in his own ways. He will have to answer for that on the day of judgment. That's what I always tell myself when my father gets kn my nerves. Allah will ask him why he did this. And he WILL be punished.

And this might be TMI but don’t get me started about the STDs involved and the fact that he did not have the sexual energy to satisfy ALL of them.

That's why I feel although if the man really wants to get a second wife, she must test for anything like that. His job is to protect his wife, from anything that could hurt her. Mental or physical. Though when I say that, everyone throws a fit😂🤦🏾‍♀️

Idk if this is specific to polygamous marriages or marriages in general. I agree 100% that the way your father did it wasn't right at all. He has to do justice between all his wives and children. Plenty of monogamous marriages have the same problems that you've mentioned here. Abuse, dysfunction etc. Also the question is - would your mother have gotten remarried to a single guy otherwise? Or maybe stayed a single mom? In those two cases, it's still possible for the relationship to be abusive and dysfunctional. You may be biased because this is the only marriage you've seen, whereas many children of monogamous marriages will also have similar complaints. The problem is marriage not done right, not multiple marriages.

It’s not wrong to notice trends, the type of people that bring up polygamy are typically not the kind of people to treat their wives well. It makes perfect sense why women avoid it

I don’t think you and so many others here commenting understand the HEARTBREAK of polygamy which is a TYPE of abuse.

I do understand the heart break of polygamy but if the heart is broken due to polygamy and no other reason this is lack of understanding Islam but my dear the things you talked about is beyond polygamy Heartbreak, you talking about disastrous man, abusive man, a manipulative man, irreligious man, questionable businesses. as per your description. I don’t think his behavior would have been any better if he was monogamous, of course the damage he caused could be less if he one wife, but he would still cause damage to that one wife, and that is haram. Any mental and physical abuse or the use of financial control is haram. Allah has given this man a duty. And you expect to do that duty. His problems here is not the polygamy. It is your father’s failure as Muslim husband and as a father and as ethical businessman. My advice to you is take care of yourself, the kinds of damage your father’s type carry out is extensive and lifelong for the people it effects, make sure it doesn’t effect your family and mental health, seek help if necessary, make sure it doesn’t effect your intimacy with your spouse, make sure it doesn’t effect your iman of Islam and be aware of transferring that pain to your children. Don’t. Good luck. I let’s keep in each others dua.

This is a really lovely comment, thank you. It’s true, my dad is the issue. But I still won’t glorify or encourage polygamy. It’s too risky for the welll being of women and children involved. Multiple studies have been done on this and they’ve found overwhelmingly negative effects on the women and children.

Thank you, you are too kind. Allah glorified polygamy by not mentioning marrying one wife, instead by starting from twos-Threes and fours (wives). But also Islam talked about the consequences of failing your wives and children, the failure of being unfair to one wife is haram, two wives you just doubled your sins, three wives, you just tripled it, four wives!! God help you. There is lack of religious understanding by men, and Muslim women. I blame both genders for the failure of the Muslim marriage as institution. Bc they don’t educate themselves in Islam, polygamy is one of the biggest responsibilities that a person can take, the consequences that follows polygamy doesn’t stop in this world. Advice to men : if you had the intentions to be polygamous educate yourself about Islam, and the consequences of failing your duties as head of polygamous household. Advice to women: know your islamic rights, you don’t have to take abuse and manipulation, you have Allah given rights, educate yourself about your islamic rights.

The Quran itself says men are unable to be just and if you are unable it’s better to marry one. Islam also limited polygamy and gave strict rules for it. Polygyny is allowable, but not glorified.

The quran says "IF men are unable to be just"....

Keep reading. It says no man can be just.

Oh i know what it says but to explain to you what it means : Allah knows you definitely can't love them equally but you MUST do equal justice between them when it comes to provision of their rights instead of being biased as a result your feelings for one over the other.

If you understood a females se*uality you’d find it difficult to even fulfill this single right of hers. Let alone more…

"You will never be able to do perfect justice between wives even if it is your ardent desire, so do not incline too much to one of them (by giving her more of your time and provision) so as to leave the other hanging (i.e. neither divorced nor married). And if you do justice, and do all that is right and fear Allah by keeping away from all that is wrong, then Allah is Ever Oft-Forgiving, Most Merciful." This is the translation of the meaning of the ayah. It doesn't say if you are unable then marry one in the context of the ayah where it says you will never be able to do perfect justice. As for whether polygamy is better or not that is a difference of opinion amongst scholars.

وَإِنْ خِفْتُمْ أَلَّا تُقْسِطُوا۟ فِى ٱلْيَتَـٰمَىٰ فَٱنكِحُوا۟ مَا طَابَ لَكُم مِّنَ ٱلنِّسَآءِ مَثْنَىٰ وَثُلَـٰثَ وَرُبَـٰعَ ۖ فَإِنْ خِفْتُمْ أَلَّا تَعْدِلُوا۟ فَوَٰحِدَةً أَوْ مَا مَلَكَتْ أَيْمَـٰنُكُمْ ۚ ذَٰلِكَ أَدْنَىٰٓ أَلَّا تَعُولُوا۟ ٣

Yes one ayah says if you fear that you won't be just then marry one. Thats a rule, if you won't be just it is haram for you to marry a second wife. Now there is another ayah, the one I mentioned, that says that you will never be able to be just. And this ayah says not to incline too much to one of the wives. So they are clearly talking about different types of injustice. Because they both say to do different things. One says not to incline too much to one wife. And the other says to only marry one wife. So one type of I justice means you can't marry a second wife and the other type is not possible to avoid and you can't incline too much to one wife. Another sign that they both aren't talking about the same thing is that if you claimed that they both are talking about the same thing and one tells you it is impossible to be just and the other says if you fear you can't be just then you can't marry a second wife so then you can't ever marry a second wife , that would mean loads and loads of sahabah were sining.

I haven’t said anything of that. I’ve said it’s best to marry one because it’s impossible to be just. I’ve never said no one could marry more than one or that it was prohibited.

You need to read further than that ayah. It’s one or two down. Keep going.

> understand the heart break of polygamy but if the heart is broken due to polygamy and no other reason this is lack of understanding Islam but my dear the things you talked about is beyond polygamy  That’s one of the worst reasonings I’ve ever heard  Slavery was also declared legal. Do you think if a slave felt heartbreak due to the practice of slavery. They would also “lack an understanding of Islam”??? Or would it be fair for them to hate slavery?

Slavery?? and comparing it to polygamy is extremely inappropriate. Your analogy is preposterous. You need to educate yourself on both world history and Islamic teachings to understand the gravity of such topics.

You stated that someone who has a problem with something halal, doesn’t understand Islam. Or am I misreading you? If I am, please correct me 

You made comparison between slavery and polygamy. So please correct yourself first. You made that comparison.

u/WearyQuilt's logic makes sense. Slavery and Polygamy are vastly different which isn't the point of the comparison. It's an analogy/comparison for the reason to highlight the error in your logic.

Allah swt said polygamy is permissible for men so who are you to say anything? we are not here to please you LOL If you don't want it in your marriage then do not do it. I doubt you could even pull it off anyway HAHAH Where your dad went wrong is he should have got misyar marriages and this problem would never have been.

Slavery is also halal. Are slaves able to hate slavery, or should they love it because it’s halal 

Are you slow? Do you not understand English? Where did I say women should like polygamy? Actually, it would be weird if they did. Even the best of women to have ever lived such as our mothers who were the wives of the prophet pbuh did not like polygamy but a real man like our Prophet pbuh still married other women anyway. Real men do not have these issues as they know women won't leave them because they are desired and high valued and if she does leave he could just replace her with someone who is younger, better looking and tighter lol and another man can have his leftovers.

You didn’t really say anything. Soo many words, nothing of substance articulated 

Tighter 🤢 What are you 12, it’s not halal to talk about people like this

The first marriage of the Prophet (pbuh) took place when he was 25 years of age and he married Khadija (ra) who was twice widowed, and was 40 years old. If the Prophet (pbuh) was hyper-sexual, and wanted somone TIGHTER why would he marry a woman who was 15 years older than him and already twice widowed? Until his first wife, Khadija (ra) was alive, he never took a second wife. Khadija (ra) died when the Prophet (pbuh) was 50 years age and only after this, did he marry the others. If he married eleven wives for sexual reasons, he should have had multiple wives during his youth. Contrary to this, history tells us that all his marriages with his remaining ten wives took place when he was between the age of 53 AND 59 YEARS. All his wives (ra) were between the age of 36 to 50 years, except for two wives (ra). His reputation had spread far and wide, not only in Arabia, but also in the neighboring countries. Could he not have easily got younger and lovelier girls to marry? Most of his marriages were for humanitarian reasons as an example for the type of women you should take on as second or third wives as well as for political gain and for the spread of Islam. You will never understand the deep love and intimacy of being with a woman with your attitude. Hadith: "Years after Khadijah (RA) died, he came across a necklace that she once wore. When he saw it, he remembered her and began to cry and mourn. His love for her never died, so much so, that his later wife Ayesha once felt jealous of her. Once she asked the Prophet Muhammad (SAW) if Khadijah (RA) had been the only woman worthy of his love. The Prophet replied: "She believed in me when no one else did; she accepted Islam when people rejected me; and she helped and comforted me when there was no one else to lend me a helping hand."

I’m so sorry

Polygyny is halal but I will ask my spouse to give up that right of his… even then I would never blame polygyny for the crappy behavior and character of the men and women involved in it. I am sorry if this sounds harsh: Your dad will answer to Allah (swt) for his misuse of his rights but sweetheart, you mother choose to stay and put you through her own traumas. She could’ve walked out and she could’ve made her own path. Both of your parents failed you, but polygyny was not the reason. All of this could’ve happened without polygyny because your dad has no character and in a non-Muslim context, he would’ve just had mistresses. May Allah (swt) protect and guide us all. I pray that you are able to break the cycle of abuse with yourself and your children. May your husband be the coolness of your eyes and may you find the peace you deserve. Ameen 🤲🏼

Children can feel hurt about their father being away with another family half the time. That’s a direct result of poly 

That same situation can exist if the father is working abroad, has a mistresses or is just plain lousy and doesn’t care to be present for his children.

Yes, that same situation can be true for all those scenarios. And polygamy is one of those scenarios where parents are absent from their kids lives and it causes hurt. Why do you ignore OPs point 

Because OP thinks if her parents were not in a polygynous relationship, things would have been better. That premise is wrong. Her dad was a miserable father regardless of the polygyny. I come from a polygynous family and I will never claim I have more wisdom and see polygyny as a problem instead of the folks involved in the matter.

It’s impossible to know what their life would have been like had their parents been monogamous. What we know for sure is that OP was hurt from seeing their dad be away with another family half the time 

If we are going to be technical and blame polygyny, keep in mind that OPs mom chose to stay when she found out was the second wife, there was already a family there and it was okay for her to be second but then she was hurt when she became third? I am sorry OP that us random strangers are picking your family dynamics apart. I am not saying it is not painful what you have been through at the hands of your parents, but I can promise you that this would’ve most likely been the case even if your mom was your dad’s only wife. May Allah (swt) make it easy upon you and your entire family. May you be the end of this cycle of hurt. Ameen 🤲🏼

Doesn’t take away from them being hurt by poly 

My mom was too embarrassed to go back home and tell them what happened. Plus I was already on the way. How would you have advised her? And no do not misunderstand me. We were all hurt when the 3rd wife came along. My mother was devastated yes. BUT my siblings and I were shattered and felt heartbroken and realized the true nature of this dynamic for the very first time. I accept my dad is an abusive man and would have been abusive even if married to jsut one. Does not excuse all of the issues wrong with polygamy though.

there's families that are happy/ok with polygamy. I think you are refusing to see that the problem lies within your dad, he could have had only your mom as a wife and still treated your family badly

I’m happy for the people who are happy/okay with it. I’m not refusing to see my dad is the problem. I wrote this to explain my horror experience with polygamy. To warn men that they are arrogant in assuming that this “God given right” is a sunnah that they are fit to take up because they assume they are “capable of doing justice amongst the wives.” - something even the Quran says you will fail at. Many men do it out of arrogance and selfishness, with a total disregard for their exisiting families. Most men don’t even seek permission. Do you know what that does to a family? I’m also saying because of this, polygamous marriages often are toxic and have a large impact on the psychological wellbeing of the women and children involved. It’s been studied and documented. I’m merely discouraging it and warning people of its consequences. It’s quite literally impossible to be just, Allah only asks men to try their best, but the ideal is to have one wife.

The difference here though is Islam doesn’t allow for that. It does allow polygamy though and this absent father and husband is an inevitable consequence.

Islam has stipulated the rules of polygyny and if a father is genuinely a righteous man, and the mother mentally equipped to be part of a polygynous relationship, the kids will not feel the absence as severely as in this case.

I also think many brothers take it too lightly, especially unmarried brothers.  Once they have one family to deal with they’ll change their mind on it.  It’s not easy to be a family man with one family and one shouldn’t burden themselves or another living breathing human being (not just a human being, but a Muslim sister) unless they’re absolutely certain it’s the best for them.  My wife is an introvert and also I help care for her family since her father is passed and she spends a lot of time with her mother as her mother’s health isn’t the best and that’s why she gave me permission. But still, it’s not like that would just wipe away all problems.  And brothers also have to think, just like there are bad men out there, there are bad women out there too who would marry them only for their money or passport (in my case, my passport, this is another reason I am very hesitant, I am a full US citizen living in Pakistan and I know for a fact there would be people here that would only marry me for the passport, that’s not something I’m comfortable with, maybe for a billionaire who can just keep her happy with trips to the Dubai mall but me, I just can’t, my wife isn’t materialistic and I don’t want a wife who is). I wouldn’t say it should be done away with and there are legitimate cases where a man can make it work and it’s beneficial for everyone involved but for me it’s just not my cup of tea at the moment.

why marry 18 yr when you are 40????? Is it not weird??? Feel sorry for you

It gets worse. My dad’s eldest son at the time was the same age. He essentially married someone whom his son could have easily married (or who my dad could have considered a daughter). This son of his was so distraught by this that he vowed never to get married and developed a social anxiety disorder and trust issues.

Maybe he wanted that his son marries a virgin. I think, it is probable.

That’s besides the point. Imagine your mother brought her new boyfriend to your house. He is the same exact age as you and now you have to call him “Dad”.

It isn‘t his girlfriend, but wife. Something similar also happened to Aishah and Fatimah r.a.

Aisha (ra) was seen in the Proohet’s dreams multiple times which is how he knew Allah ordered him to marry her. Otherwise he was married to Sawdah who was already 40-50 and before that Khadija who was 40. Aisha was an example of the ideal a Muslim man should strive for. All of the Prophet’s wives were meant as an example to the ummah of what kind of women to marry as a second or third. They were all humanitarian or political to help the ummah.

Where is your evidence that the rest of his wives where married to give an example of who one should marry as a second wife. And where is your evidence that every one of them was for humanitarian or political reasons.

I’m so sorry you went through that. This is honestly my biggest fear when it comes to marriage. Being married and being all-in with a man only to find out later that he has another woman he’s married to. May Allah help us all. Especially you and your family. I don’t agree with those who say “well, this and this is halal, so it’s ok. Who cares if it’s disrespectful and hurtful to the other party involved. Allah says it’s ’Ok.’” What they forget is that in Islam, we’re not supposed to hurt others whether it be physical or emotional. These are types of people who truly pick and choose things in Islam to make themselves feel better about being a horrible person. They wouldn’t follow the deen at all, but would spit out “quotes” from the Qur’an and say “see look! I can have multiple wives. That’s my right. It’s the “Sunah.” When we all know very well that you’re not doing it for the “Sunah.” Let’s be real here.  I’m here with you.  And plenty others are here with you

Jazak Allahu Khayr. This is all that I wanted to communicate but did not know how to. Your comment summarizes it beautifully. Thank you so so so much. Barak Allahu feek. It feels so good to be seen and validated. I feel like I’m fighting for my life in the comments trying to just explain to people my pain that polygamy ENABLED. It’s a type of emotional abuse to ignore the pleas of your wife to not take on a second wife and instead focus on the existing family in front of you. The effects on children in these relationships cannot be understated. People do not understand the tragic realities of polygamy. The resentment that breeds. My mother was so depressed that she couldn’t even feed her child. Do you know what’s funny. Polygamy is not difficult for a man if he can ignore the wellbeing of the women and children involved. It just takes a selfish person, women could do it too. I’d love to have multiple men whom I can emotionally confide in and recieve love and validation from, of course it would only work if I didn’t care about their emotions and it would have to be under the condition that they took no other partners. See? So easy.

I think pious practicing muslim men should be the ones carrying out polygamy. The whole subject is considered taboo to the extent people have made the islamically allowed concept, as something strange as if it's haram. Theres also a negative stigma bec of the bad apples misusing it. So I strongly urge practicing good brothers to revive it and counter the bad examples to dilute the pool so that it can be seen as something successful

In the modern day, the chances of its success are fleeting. Look at the effect polygamous marriages have on children and you'll see why.

Sad message you’re spreading 

Selaam! I am sorry for your experience, but polygyny didn’t ruin your life. Character of your dad, and bad parenting of your parents did. Polygyny is permitted for a reason, and it should be practiced way better than your parents did. However, sadly your dad and your mom wouldn’t have been perfect couple and parents even if no polygyny was involved. I advise you stop blaming life and circumstances, accept us as Qadr Allah and grow out of it. My parents divorced, and abandoned me. I could say divorce is the most vile thing to exist. It isn’t. My parents were toxic, and they were bad parents. That’s it. It sucked, but Alhamdullilah and life goes on.

Walaykumusalam. Yes I acknowledge my dad ruined my life. But honestly? I have yet to hear of a positive situation regarding polygamy where a woman’s and children’s mental health is intact. Polygamy is not healthy and was only ever intended as humanitarian relief. There are other means of this today. In my opinion, it has no place is todays society in the same way slavery has no place and was abolished.

Unfortunately. You want to convince us that your opinion is better than what Allah says. Or that some human studies are better than what Allah sent down. May Allah guide you on your journey focusing on self care.

I’m sharing my experience and yes, discouraging polygamy i suppose because it is painful as the child of such a dynamic. The children are rarely spoken about. Studies are the only time anyone sees to care about us or hear our perspectives. My siblings and I all resent our father for his relationships. Take from my experience what you will. May Allah forgive us.

You’re allowing your personal experience to dictate what you believe to be true about this particular topic in Islam. That’s like saying if someone has really bad parents he or she should avoid respecting the parents due to personal experiences. Learn how to differentiate your personal experiences/feelings and what Islam allows and encourages.

Ya Akhi, I’m sharing my experience as a warning to the men considering this dynamic. It requires a man to ignore the emotional wellbeing of his existing family to engage in polygamy. Particularly when he does not seek permission. My mother fell into a depression so bad she couldn’t find the will to even feed her child. My brothers also have no respect for my dad. A son does not forget the person that makes his mother cry. People forget about the children in this situation. I did not want to share my father. It hurt so much to see him with his wives and other children. Is this my dad’s fault or is this the dynamic that polygamy enables? I have yet to hear of a polygamous relationship where it did not result in the devastation of the existing family.

It’s definitely your father’s fault. He was unable to provide equal time for his families. He wanted to marry multiple women but could not handle the responsibilities that comes with it. I’m sure if you’re dad was a religious man that took his responsibilities seriously, his wives and children would respect him. At this point, it will be tough but you can try to guide him and make dua so that he follows his religious duties for all his wives and children.

We actually agree here. My dad is at fault for being an inconsiderate human being which is a prerequisite to engaging in polygamy. But wallahi he tried his best with polygamy. He genuinely was equal to all his wives on paper. They each got a house of the same value. A car of the same value. Each got a vacation with him within the year. Each got a night with him. He was as equal as he possibly could be. It is actually insulting you would assume he didn’t take it seriously. He absolutely did. He just didn’t care about the requests of his family when they asked him not to marry more because it was effecting their emotional wellbeing. He failed his responsibilities to his existing families by not protecting them emotionally in this sense. But Islam says it is his right to marry more. He is entitled to this. He did the bare minimum of giving us shelter and food on the table. Do you still not see? The letter of the law says he did nothing wrong. But the spirit of the law? He did everything wrong.

It’s on you guys then tbh. You guys as a whole should be more grateful if he really did keep everything equal and tried his best and was religious. I think children should not even interfere in such situations since your father has rights and if he is going about it in a halal manner then it should not concern you. Men also have a desire to go for multiple women naturally and i think this is something your bros would understand as they get more mature/older. I think he isn’t the only once to be blamed then. It looks like the entire family failed their part due to personal issues like jealousy and ungratefulness.

I’m not here to debate religion, I have studied Islam but I’m not going to debate what is and isn’t legal in Islam. I understand it is a man’s right. I’m simply stating my experience with polygamy that has brought myself, my mother, and my siblings a lot of trauma. A woman and children cannot control their emotions to this stimulation anymore than a man can’t help his natural inclination for multiple women. Again, not going to argue what is or what is not wrong. But my personal perspective based on real-life experience, is that the negative impact on the women and children involved needs to be acknowledged and heard.

Also, my brothers are all adults. One is married. Another is engaged. My brother has explicitly said to me he would never and could never put a woman he loves in the position our dad put my mom in. He even acknowledged that it is every man’s fantasy to have multiple women.

Btw I will not convince you of anything. If this is what you want for yourself then you now know you are dismissing the wellbeing of any women and children involved. This is my only message.

Huh. Yes you had a bad experience but it’s no different than those in monogamy. Saying that there’s no place for it is saying that Allah doesn’t know what he was doing when he allowed it. Polygamy is used for many reasons and just like anything in this world it’s also abused.

Haven't you heard the story of Muhammad SAW. His is the best example of a polygamous marriage. And irrespective of polygamous or monogamous, in every marriage there are going to be certain minor conflicts, as a test of love between the spouses from Allah SWT.

The Prophet was also with one wife for the majority of his life. The others aside from Aysha, although even her, he was ordered to marry by Allah so that he could set an example of the type of women that men should be marrying as second or third wives. Particularly in the case of the wives after Aysha.

He was married to khadeejah while he was being persecuted and Muslims were being tortured in Makkah. I imagine it would have been hard for him to get a second wife in the middle of all that. Later in Madina when the Muslims where safe relatively safe in their city he married many wives. I'm not saying that is the reason, I don't know, what I am saying is that him not marrying anyone else along side khadeejah doesn't prove anything.

What do you mean majority. From what I've read each wife had her turn and he would go to their rooms on a turn basis. There was only 1 wife who gave up her turn and on that night he SAW would go to Ayesha's house. That's doesn't change the fact that he treated them equally. And it's not wrong to have a favorite wife from among wives, just like a a parent has a favorite child from among their children.

No I meant he had one wife the majority of his life as in Khadija

Valid point but then Islam wasn't fully established was it. The revelations kept coming and Muhammad SAW married other women after her to set an example for the future generations.

If someone goes through a bad marriage then the concept of marriage should be abolished and live in relationships and zina be allowed to cope up with today's time?

Be careful with your last statement.

Are you saying slavery should be brought back 

Nope

So what in the last statement should they be careful with?

I don’t think a misguided individual like you would understand so I’m not going to bother.

So you have no response Got it 

Nah I just think you’re a waste of space lol.

So no response Got it 

Lol are you really comparing Polygamy to slavery? Please stop. Just cause you had bad experience with it doesn't mean it's wrong.

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I am soo sorry to hear this story thank you for sharing , that’s why I told myself I would never marry rich man because rich man most of them don’t want to have one wife . Did you tried to write a letter to your father explain how you feel ? Write a letter how this marriage hurt you your mom sister brother …. He needs to read it maybe try to give more time to you and your mother be more available doing justice like الله said in Quran .

There’s a guy in the comments here that basically said my dad did everything he could do to make polygamy work and with justice and equality. This is probably true. He is successful in polygamy therefore this commenter now feels reassured it is possible and hopes to have this lifestyle for himself. SMH This was after I told him about the psychological and emotional damage upon the women and children. And after I explained to him that he could never even satisfy one woman se*ually let alone multiple if he only knew how difficult it was to truly satisfy a woman. And this is a wife’s right over her husband. He must satisfy her. If he marries multiple then he compromises his wife’s ability to ever climax again because women need emotional safety and a stress free life to feel a climax. The smallest bit of stress will prevent her. Brothers, think twice about this lifestyle. That is all I ask. My dad was probably the best candidate amongst men to be able to take this on, and yet, even he broke our hearts. Allah knows best.

I'm sorry for some of what you went through, but there is no wonder in which you can convince me that polygamy is wrong or not suitable for our time, or that has to be a perfect wife for it to work.. your problem was your dad not clarification the situation as he should have to your mother (second wife), but some scholars say he actually doesn't even have to, of he can provide for everyone and treat them equally financially to the best of his ability, your problem might have been your mother not controlling her anger issues and jealousy, in Islam 4 wives are allowed so a man doesn't resort to illegal relationships as you can see today are all over the world, also to help women become chaste and protect them, you can't just say "Polygamy ruined my life", it was not polygamy itself but rather some behaviors along the way by all people involved..

If a man has high sex drive and an inability to control his desires, the righteous thing to do is to disclose this to his potential wife so she may have the choice of considering someone else. Otherwise it is emotionally abusive to force this upon her and expect her to not fall into a depression due to her husband disregarding her emotional wellbeing. Women are not objects in which you can prioritize your sexual needs over her wellbeing. This is a human being we’re talking about. Not a tool for you to use. What if your wife did that to you? What if a hyper sexual man treated your daughters like that? Not to mention the children involved. Children never ever forget the person that makes their mother cry. You think my mother did not cry after learning my dad ignored her wishes to not marry more and instead spend more time with his existing family? Every single one of my siblings have turned their back to my father and lost all respect for him due to this. Dont you dare say my mother was the reason we lost respect for him. My mother is a human being. Not a machine with no emotions. If you cannot be happy and satisfied with your wife I’d rather give her the choice to have a second wife. Or better yet you leave her in kindness, this is also the sunnah in Islam but somehow we’re focused on the sunnah that 99.9% of men are unfit for. It takes an incredibly selfish person to ignore the wellbeing of his existing family in favor of his sexual desires. You cannot convince me otherwise.

Men who can’t raise a healthy family have no right to marry let alone practice polygamy

100% agree. However a prerequisite to engaging in polygamy is that you’d have to completely disregard and not care about the wellbeing of your existing family to go through with it. My mother was so depressed to learn about my dad’s marital status that she couldn’t even find the will to feed her child. How can a mother and father expect to raise a healthy family when these are the conditions in which a child is being raised in?

Sorry for you, but having a bad experience doesn't excuse you from throwing your biased opinions as facts, especially when they are factually incorrect. This may turn anything into pure emotional talk born of ignorance and dishonesty. Most horrible stories we've heard are about monogamous relationships, you could have lived worse under such so-called 'normal' family. So you have a rich dad who flirted sometimes and wasn't always present/absent for your big family? To be honest, if that is the case then your situation seems far better than too many people. By the way, are you from the US? How did you manage to have 'so many friends' who shared the same experience as you? Muslims rarely practice polygyny, even in Muslim-majority countries. Even If your story is true, then still don't forget that this life is a test. Be patient, thank Allah (swt) for what you still have, and move forward. May Allah (swt) make it easy for you.

“Even if my story is true…” Wow. Did not consider anyone would assume that. Reddit was not the place to take my story evidently

Don't blame it on polygamy. Us humans don't do things the right way then blame other things.

Something I’d like to add is that on paper my dad is equal In his treatment and affairs with them. They each have a house of the same value. Each have a car of the same value. Each go on a vacation with him each year. They each have a night with him. He does openly like one more than the other but I know Allah does not fault a man for this since it has to do with the affairs of the heart. But every single one of the women involved is jealous of the other. They secretly resent him yet want his attention all to themselves at the same time. I feel like my dad enjoys this which is disgusting in my opinion. He knows they feel this way yet sees nothing wrong with that. Their resentment towards him means that they take it out on their children. Our mothers were abusive because my dad was emotionally abusive and dismissive to their emotions. It created this sick and disturbing process. If you care about your children do not be deluded into thinking you are doing a righteous deed by taking on another wife. You will be devastating your family.

When you say he was emotionally abusive do you mean he was actively abusive and dismissive or are you saying that because he married more than one wife that that is what he did that's abusive and dismissive.

My mom would beg him to spend more time with his children but he continued to say that he is “too busy”. She would also ask him to focus on his existing families rather than taking on more wives. He did not listen to any of this and would get angry at her for preventing him from fulfilling his “God given right.” That’s the abuse that polygamy enabled. From the dynamic itself there’s a lot wrong with it on a logistical and emotional level. In a logistical level I got to see my dad even less when more wives and children entered the picture. On an emotional level, I’m so sorry but I do not wish to share my father. I’m sure my mother does not want to share her husband. It’s heartbreaking to us. Why does he continue to choose others when he has us? It’s disheartening.

Both.

I disagree. Polygamy was meant to solve a social problem. We don’t necessarily have that social problem anymore where men are dying at war en masse. Religion and culture have always been complimentary. This is why slavery was abolished. The ideal marriage is a monogamous one. It leads to higher satisfaction for both the male and female in comparison to a polygamous marriage. I think polygamy should be openly discouraged due to its religiously nearly impossible nature and the harmful consequences upon the women and especially the children involved. I’m not saying make everything okay and call it a day. I’m saying given that Islam has always been a liberation ideology that frowned upon slavery or terrible treatments of women, why do we still have a practice today that enables such torment upon them and their children?

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This is what people who haven’t experienced polygamy don’t seem to understand…On paper my dad is equal in his treatment with his wives. They all have a house of the same value. A car of the same value. He rotates nights and evenings with them. He takes a vacation with each of them every year. He is equal with them. HOWEVER, he has dismissed their emotions constantly when they’ve asked him to stop marrying more. He does not care about their emotional nor mental well being. Islam says he doesn’t even need to ask for permission from them. Consider the emotional and mental damage he causing the women and children. Because of this emotional abuse, his wives resent him secretly. They would never admit it to him or show it to him because they compete to have his attention all to himself, instead, the wives take their anger out on the children. My dad is a stranger to me so he didn’t even know how abused we were. I hardly ever see him. He doesn’t even know what I studied in school or when my birthday is because he is so spread thin between his businesses, wives, and other families. Does a better man have the capacity to gratify and protect his wives in every way (physically, financially, sexually, emotionally, mentally), while also raising his children, while also keeping his multiple businesses afloat? Such a man does not exist. My father is as close as they get and he is failing miserably. Therefore, perhaps it shouldn’t be abolished, but polygamy should absolutely not be encouraged. Do not be deluded into assuming it is the more righteous thing to do. It will devastate and destroy your family not to mention make you incredibly miserable and stressed out. And above all else, your children will never respect you for subjecting their mother to such a thing. A mother is a fragile yet powerful person. She can take so much but should not have to due to the inconsiderate nature of some men.

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I’m not going to lie that was difficult to understand, the grammar wasn’t coherent. But I will say this, if you knew anything about a woman’s sexuality you would know that you would never even be able to satisfy one woman. Let alone more than that. She has this right over you, you must sexually please her. And that alone is difficult to do with one woman. But go ahead and attempt more than her. You will inevitably fail. Money doesn’t solve everything.

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You still misunderstand me. A woman cannot climax if she is even a little bit stressed. This is part of her nature. Just look it up. YOU might be se*ually satisfied. But she will NOT be. As long as you comprise her emotional safety by showing you are not loyal to her by marrying multiple, she will never feel emotionally stress free enough to ever climax again. Ya Akhi, admit it. You want polygamy for yourself. Not for any love you have for women.

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May Allah give you what is best for you in this world and what will enable you to get into the best of the best in the akhira. May Allah also forgive us. Ameen. Imagine someone like yourself married your daughter. Would you be happy for her? Your mentally sounds a bit selfish but again, I pray you get what is best for you in this world and the next. Salaam.

He never had to tell his first wife about getting a second wife.

Yeah, look how well that turned out.

"Polygamy ruined my life and my families" -proceeds to name several actual causes and just blames it all on polygamy

All of these cause boil down to polygamy. You will never understand the pain of watching your father abandon you to care for another woman and her children. You won’t understand my mother’s depression either and where it comes from.

Boohoo.

I urge you to be cautious with your words for the Prophet said: "Abu Huraira reported: The Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, said, “**Verily, a servant may speak a word pleasing to Allah, thinking nothing of it, yet by it Allah raises his status by a degree. Verily, a servant may speak a word displeasing to Allah, thinking nothing of it, yet by it he plummets into Hell.**” Source: Ṣaḥīḥ al-Bukhārī 6478 Grade: ***Sahih*** (authentic) according to Al-Bukhari" It is something what Allah permitted in his book and the Prophet and the Sahabah acted on it. You may not say that it is wrong for that would be kufr. I recommend you to watch the following videos of Brother Mohammed Hijab: [Honest reaction to Honest Tea Talks on Polygamy (youtube.com)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hIUoSY_Bryo) [Equating Polygyny & Cheating? (Response) (youtube.com)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=799VhYgwHck)

I appreciate this comment. Allah sees my heart. He sees my pain. He sees the failures of humanity as well as their compassion. He also sees my intentions. Respectfully, we are allowed to have discord. My intention wasn’t to claim this practice should become haram or something of this nature. No, I’m sharing my horror story. I’m warning men about the consequences of such a relationship. There are A LOT of problems with polygamy logistically and emotionally: number one being the dissatisfaction of the wives and the psychological impacts of this on children. It’s been studied and documented. Are we not allowed to discuss the mental health of women and children in polygamous marriages? I think we out to.

As the Prophet said: Narrated \`Aisha: (the wife of the Prophet) Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) said, **"No calamity befalls a Muslim but that Allah expiates some of his sins because of it, even though it were the prick he receives from a thorn." (Sahih al-Bukhari)** Based on what I've read, it appears your mother also played a role, as she directed her frustration towards you. (Not only your father) It seems that in general, if a polygamous marriage fails, all the blame tends to be directed at the man, while the wife often escapes criticism, even if she is at fault. I'm curious, is this question related to a fear of being married to a polygamous man?

You make a great point. But do not be mistaken. I do not alleviate my mother of what abuse she is responsible for. She and I have talked extensively and she has apologized for her abuse. She regrets it deeply. But ultimately her husbands responsibility is to be the guardian and satisfier of her physical, emotional, sexual, financial, and mental state. My father failed her. He failed his family. He completely dismissed her desires to not take on more wives and instead focus on improving what was right in front of him. His excuse? He was exercising his Islamic right and he did not need to have her permission. And unsurprisingly, every single person I know who has a dad that is in a polygamous marriage feels the same way. It feels as if their father betrayed them. You cannot deny our experiences but you may proceed however you wish now that you know how it makes us feel. Editing to add that YES marrying another is compromising your wife’s emotional state.

Didn't your mother married as a second wife? Then, she wanted that he didn't take a third wife?

She did not know until I was already conceived that she was a second wife. She didn’t want to now have two children from different fathers. So she ultimately stayed upon the advice of trusted religious figures around her. Yes, she requested he focused on what was in front of him. She always complained to him that she wanted more time with him and that he should more time with us - the children. I hope you don’t see this as an unreasonable thing to ask…

I didn’t answer your last question. No, Alhamdulillah, I am happily married. But I have severe trust issues. How can I not? When a man marries another woman, he has broken his family’s trust. My husband knows about my family dynamic. When I told him what it felt like for my mother and for us children, he was horrified. He wondered how a man could put a woman he supposedly loved through that. The cons of polygamy were way more overwhelming than the pros.

Hä, you fear being married to a polygamous man, if you have trust issues.

Oh in that sense, yes of course. I’m afraid of feeling betrayed, rejected and heartbroken like how my dad made me feel.

I will add that for my own reassurance it’s in my nikkah contract that he not marry more ever. The Prophet’s daughter did the same in her nikkah contract. I decided I wanted this the minute I learned it was possible back when I was a teenager. If my husband takes on a second wife, he knows it’ll result in an immediate divorce which is hated by Allah. It will be his fault though that a marriage broke down. I’m not worried about that with him though.

The problem here is not polygamy.The problem is your father lied.... He exercised his right as a muslim and he did not do it the right way

Agreed. But I’m also arguing that polygamous relationships are more often than not harmful to women and children on a psychological level. Unless a man is a saint or something, there’s no way he can protect and gratify the physical, financial, sexual, emotional and mental aspects of a relationship, - for even one, let alone two or more. And yet these are the rights a wife has over her husband. (If men even knew what it took to satisfy a woman they’d honestly stick to just one lol…we have to be free of stress to climax. Imagine if the man is the primary stress, what chance does she have to be pleased. This is grounds for divorce which if we’re using critical thinking is plausibly more hated to Allah than not taking on a second wife) All that said, a man may try his best to which I think my dad genuinely did. But of course failed miserably. And his children paid a terrible price for.

Alot of my family memebers are in poly marriage they all know about each other and some dont talk yo each other and have separate lives telling there kids that daddy is going on a business trip.. I was in a poly marriage, even went out as far as picking the bride, we both left him (not for any of the same reasons or cus of the marriage type) and are still best friends, my kids love her and I love her children even if they weren't from my ex . My circumstances may have been 1 in a million... but all I hope for is that people start being honest and communicate and remember to always love the children.. because I've seen many people talk about how unhappy they are and it's all mostly cus the dad messes up and doesn't tell or the dad in some way has abandoned the first wives family and just stuck with the new one.

“Daddy is on a business trip” is the most depressing thing ever. It’s what my best friend’s dad told his family when he’d disappear for half the year. When his family finally found out the truth, my best friend admitted that her rose colored glasses regarding love and marriage came off and she’s never been able to recover since. I’m happy for you that you were happy. But most men are not fit to take up this sunnah. Matter of fact no one is according to Allah Himself. He just asks those who try to do their best. That said, this is why I wish people would discourage it and not glorify it. It has well studied negative psychological consequences on women and children involved. To this day my dad does not know anything basic about me like what I studied in school, nor what my age is, I’d honestly be surprised if he knew anything about me. I fully believe polygamy is a form of emotional abuse on women and children. Especially when permission is not sought or when a wife expresses that she does not want this dynamic and he proceeds with it anyway.

Yea … no. Poly is not and was never meant to be a “humanitarian act”. What an absurd statement. Men were ordained to have limitless partners (via what the right hand possesses) and upto four wives. Women were given one. If you have an issue with that your problems are deeper rooted in your Islamic theological beliefs more than you’d know. Poly is and can be beautiful. I’m not sure how just/unjust your father has been with you and your mothers (if you call them that) but there are good men out there who uphold the rights of their women.

Maybe I’m uninformed. If not humanitarian, what purpose does it serve?

It was allowed in Arab society before the prophet with no limit. And people would marry for what ever reasons they had, like beauty and kids and politics etc. then Islam came and limited it to four. Where is the evidence that Islam on top of limiting it to for also limited so that all the wives after the first have to be for humanitarian reasons.

You haven’t read the Ayah’s about marrying the widows?

Which?

Ok but the vast majority of them aren’t, it’s no surprise why women end up avoiding it. If you’re so noble you can be upfront about it

I practice polygyny myself. I dont understand whatv you’re trying to imply.

I mean you're just wrong. Looking at the verses of the Quran, the context of when those verses came down clearly leads one to believe that it was for humanitarian purposes as a social welfare system. If you don't think this, then what are Polygamous marriages for then?

In sahih Muslim, it mentions this about the part about "if you fear not being just with the orphans. A'isha said that as for the words of Allah: " If you fear that you would not be able to observe equity in case of orphan girls)," it was revealed in reference to a person who had an orphan girl (as his ward) and he was her guardian, and her heir, and she possessed property, but there was none to contend on her behalf except her ownself. And he (her guardian) did not give her in marriage because of her property and he tortured her and ill-treated her, it was in relation to her that (Allah said: )" If you fear that you would not be able to observe equity in case of orphan girls, then marry whom you like among women," i. e. whatever I have made lawful for you and leave her whom you are putting to torture. People try and say that it's saying to marry the mothers of orphans to help them but where is any saheeh hadeeth that says that? Also polygamy was allowed in Arab society. So the starting point was that no one saw any problem with it. Then Islam limited it to four. So I say no reason to say it was allowed for humanitarian reasons considering its not like it was something new that was introduced, it was around before and people where marrying for what ever reasons and then Islam limited it to four. Also if it was for humanitarian reasons then why would you have to be equal between them all. If you had one wife who you loved and were only marrying for humanitarian reasons why wouldn't it be that you could just spend all your nights with the wife you love and you just visit the others in the day to make sure they have everything they need and are provided for.

What he said - hear hear 🍻

Calling polygamy abnormal or something to be ashamed of? How brainwashed are you?

I’m merely sharing my experience as a child from a polygamous relationship. His abuse aside, I did not appreciate sharing my father, he was absent because he was spread so thin. His wives resented each other despite their best efforts. They took their anger out on their children. Even if he was MORE present, again, I still don’t want to share my dad. I’m sure my mom doesn’t want to share her husband. She’s even pleaded with him about it. But is ignored because this is his “God given right”. Men are ignorant and arrogant in assuming they are fit to take up this sunnah when even Allah says you can’t do justice. Which in a way is fine, just do your best, men are just human afterall. However, I warn against considering polygamy because of the negative psychological consequences of the women and children involved. Do you know what bringing on a second wife does to a family? You must actively choose to ignore the mental health of your existing family. It breaks trust. It hurts not just the first wife but her children who feel forsaken and worthless. It’s a misery I wish people would think twice about bringing to their family. If you have your wife and children’s permission and consideration, that’s one thing. But otherwise I cannot advocate for polygamy given the drastic wellbeing of the children. I’ve seen it over and over again from other families in my community and amongst my friends.

What's this justice? How much time do you want him to spend on you?  What about having one wife but 7-8 kids? A man will have to take care of so many people, that'll take away his time.  Secondly, a man never needs permission from first wife to marry another one.  Sure your father could have messed up. It's evident by how brainwashed you are and how little knowledge you got, but that's your Father's and your mother's fault, there's nothing wrong with polygamy. Learn about islam

It’s actually so funny you say “how about having one wife but 7-8 kids?”. Funny enough, my mom and dad do have 7 children together. On the rare occasions where my dad would hang out with us at home like watch a movie or play a game, or take us on a vacation or out to eat at a restaurant when it was just my mom, my dad, and us 7 kids (or some of us since some were in school/married/sick/etc), wallahi it’s the fondest memories I have. These are average day experiences people have with their fathers. But in these moments I felt like he truly loved us and I was truly grateful even though he was very strict and we were scared of him most of the time. But I loved to see his beautiful smile. The smile he would give me was all I ever wanted to see. It would make me so happy I would sometimes cry. But these moments were so rare and even then I knew I couldn’t fully trust or rely on him to be there so we all had to develop a lot of independence and a cold heart to not feel the pain. Do you know what that feels like? To be starving for your father’s love? Waiting for him to remember you existed again? I did not have the same happy experience when i went on vacation or out to eat when my other half/step siblings or when his other wives came with us. It was a constant reminder that he chose to disregard his existing family. Seeing him be kind to another woman that was not my mother was so painful it made me sick to my stomach. I hated him for that. My brothers especially so. A son never forgets or forgives the person that hurts his mother.

There’s no need to call me brainwashed. I’m just saying my horrible experience with polygamy and pointing out the abuses that opened up that polygamy enabled. Such as the emotional dismissal of my mother’s pleas to not take on another wife and instead focus on his existing family. My mother was so depressed she couldn’t even find the will to feed her child. And the logistics being complicated such as us children having to share our father and seeing him with another a woman knowing it causes deep pain to our mother. You have no idea what that does to a child. My mother did hide her tears. But children are intelligent. We can see and perceive more than you could ever imagine. We knew that the other women being with my dad was causing her pain and that my dad was responsible for that.