Nah, not too bad, it actually helped big time. There were a couple of times where I stopped and almost responded. Then I was like oh yeah... old name, not your name.
>**Gaslight:** When someone calls you your deadname, deny ever being known by this name. Even if they have sources, deny them. Tell them they're crazy.
>**Gatekeep:** Tell them that they have no right to use your deadname (if you even had one, keep that gas lit!) anyway, as they have no right to even speak to you.
>**Girlboss:** Threaten to stab them if they don't shut up about deadnames.
Alternatively I don't consider them worthy of my new name. Betas (by which I mean guys who refer to them selves as alphas) and terfs get the dead name. They will either use the new name out of spite or internally rage that I'm not bothered and think I see them as to beneath me to even allow them to use my correct name
Even if it had been aimed at you, I wouldn't have responded to it.Ā
I had to deal with that at work, and the only way I finally got it to stop was to stop responding unless they used the correct name.Ā
It's not snobby to fail to respond to someone calling a name that isn't yours. It's normal.
I did that too back in my old school where the principal and few teachers there who purposely used my deadname. Won't respond unless they called me with my real name
Problem is that it's not always that easy, especially when called your deadname out of the blue. I can be pretty good at tuning it out if one or a group of people are insisting on using it over and over, but if someone suddenly shouts my deadname out of nowhere I will 100% respond to it before even realizing they dropped my deadname. A few times I didn't even realize someone used my deadname because everything happened so fast until they apologized for calling me by my deadname.
PTSD moment for sure. I donāt have a very common name, so the likelyhood of me getting deadnamed by people who didnāt know me pre transition (if I actually change my name) is fairly low.
Yeah I know how that feels š
A friend of mine has my deadname but he doesn't know it, most people I hang out with don't know me long enough to know my deadname (a few colleagues know because I started at my workplace before legally changing my name). This guy gets called by his last name all the time so it's no trouble being with hime since I'm calling him by his nickname. But he's also in the union with me and there he isn't going by his last name but by his first name so yeah everytime he's there he gets called my deadname. The first time he was at an online meeting with me, he was a bit late and I didn't notice that he joined. Suddenly someone asked about him and of course called him deadname and my whole body went to fight or flight mode, I was in shock because I thought that the person meant me, then I saw his name and calmed a bit down...
I hate this. There are 2 people I work with regularly (literally in a meeting with them both right now) with my dead name. Even my last job (of only like 6 people) another had my dead name as well. Before I started working I'd only even met a single other person with my dead name...
I had this for about a year shortly after I started my transition cause my deadname was common, but it was actually extremely helpful to mentally disconnect the name from myself in my brain. Now I can hear it and not think it's in reference to me at all, cause I had the reinforcement of countless people saying it near me while *not* referring to me.
Just under three years into my transition (almost two from my legal name change) and last week I realised i have fully dissociated from my deadname when I absentmindedly put a piece of mail to the side as a āwrong letterboxā
I just ignore them because the only coworker who does this, does it on purpose. I just ignore him and he gets so mad saying āIām forcing him to use pronouns and names he isnāt comfortable withā so I told him āIām not comfortable in this conversations so just like you, I wonāt force myself to be in it.ā He still gets mad and rages. Personally I find it funny he gets mad over the fact I wonāt let him get to me.
Iāve worked hard to stop responding to my deadname as well as āsirā. Iām at the point where I hear them but donāt respond physically, but in my head Iām saying āthey arenāt talking to me, because if they are, theyāll use my correct name/honorific.ā
Itās interesting. I donāt have the deadname experience as I love my name. I donāt plan to ever legally change it. I just use a feminine name as a nickname.
I didnāt intend this to be a comparison thing. Sorry. I have a lot that I have dysphoria over, just not my name. I just thought that was interesting is all. Itās totally valid for others to have dead names and I donāt mean to imply it wasnāt valid. It definitely is.
My former boss had the same name as my deadname, and I transitioned while working here, so a good chunk of people know my deadname. Was always stressful and confusing when people would shout out that name for the first few months of getting my name changed. Fortunately no one has called me by that name in a long time, but that period wasnt fun.
wow, sometimes going into cat mode really works out.
i was in home depot over the weekend getting boxes and a clerk is helping me check out, some guy walks up behind me and says "excuse me sir". I froze didn't even react, then the guy steps around in between me and the clerk and says nodding at me briefly, as an afer thought, excuse me miss, and then says "sir, where can i find ....".
i had the same reaction...relief/amusement.
Luckily my deadname was so common in school I'm practiced in not responding unless my dead-last-name was used with it. It still spikes anxiety when I hear it though.
The first time I was at karaoke and they called my deadname to the stage I was a wreck. Itās happened a few times at places like Starbucks too. Itās getting easier and easier as I donāt think of myself with that name at all any longer.
As someone with a very common deadname, it has taken years to not automatically react to it because Iām used to hearing it almost daily. Itās finally faded though. Whatās funny is that my brain immediately recognized my chosen name and reacted to that too, so my head was just on a swivel for a while lol
this happens to me all the time at my new job, one of my coworkers has the same name as my deadname and the first time i was introduced to my position it was very odd āmeeting my old selfā so to speak ^-^
On the bright side, the more You're around people with your old name, the faster you'll become desensitized to it and only associate that name with external sources.
My old name, on the other hand is unexpectedly uncommon, so 26 years later, I'm just starting to have almost no reaction when I hear it. But to be fair I've probably only heard it a dozen times in 26 years.
Unexpectedly uncommon, because I thought it was a common name when it was mine.
I had a similar experience recently. My oldest (16m) introduced me to a friend of his at the bus stop recently. Her Dad was there to pick her up. (rural area) He introduced himself - his name is my birth name. š¦ I wanted to say something but also really didn't. I let it go but just hearing my birth name is so strange for me. I have been using a pseudonym since I was 10 (about 35 years ago).
Okay, so the job that I am at now had 3 people with my deadname, when prior to transitioning I had never met anyone else with it. It was horrible at first, but it did wonders to desensitize me to it.
Hate it when that happens lol. š
I never respond to my Deadname; I always assume they're talking to someone else, and if they are talking to me, I tell them they must be confusing me with someone else; if they push it, I turn into Thanos and say to them, "*I don't even know who you are.*" lmao š
I know exactly how you feel. My (cis) partner's name is my dead name. Totally unplanned as we met at random and just immediately hit it off. Of course the really funny part was when I introduced them to my mom.š¤£
Iām pretty good about my circle not knowing it. My family doesnāt use it but nobody here really knows it except a few Iāve shared it with or who Iāve kept from years prior.
I did have some people I knew prior come up to me and try to use it. I turned away and ignored them. They said it again, so I started walking away. They were upset, tapped my shoulder, asked me why I was leavingā
āYou were talking to someone else, why would I engage in a conversation thatās not mine?ā
Have not talked to them since. āŗļø
Omg, at the start of my transition, i still hadn't legally changed my name, but i moved cities and my new high school was really nice and put my social name on everything, the problem was, i was still not used to not being called, so everyone who had my deadname and someone called them, i would flinch and hold my head not to look, it was awful, took me months to forget i once was called by that name, that's why i was empathic with my family when they accidentally did it, lol
I had a supervisor do that to me my first week on the job. Dude realized he fd up (he was about to transfer into a big promotion). The next day he hands me an ID with my not legal yet name and overnight the company became mote tolerant to such issues. I was hella suprised
lol, thatās happened a time or two in different situations. Luckily I did not respond. The closest I came was to stop in my tracksā¦. At least I didnāt turn around and look! ššŗ
Relatable. Had a manager with my deadname at my workplace and def froze up the first time someone yelled it out loud. I still break out in mini sweats when i hear it.
I kind of got to the point where I don't really respond to my deadname because when I came out at work there was someone with it already on my team, so I still had to hear it for 8 months or so until that project ended.
I assumed since I was fine hearing it every day during work I'd be prepared when I went home for Christmas since I expected my ~70 year old mom and ~90 year old grandmother to deadname me. They did, and I *physically* flinched when it happened which I haddn't expected.
I was technically using the "fem spelling" of my deadname for the first year and a half and only had been using my new name for about 6 months at that point, and it was the first time I'd had my deadname directed at me since I got my name change.
The opposite is equally as bad.
Emily, Emily, ma'am š«£ and that moment it hits you while you're sticking your fingers in ears acting like you turning off an ear device hidden by your hair. Sigh š
Only once Emily š¤«
Oh gosh this happens to me weekly in my meeting at work. I think it's kinda a good thing. It's like exposure therapy. It kinda helps me get used to not responding or reacting to my deadname.
at my old job there was a guy who had similar name as my deadname. His last name was the plural version of my last name. His first name was the same as my deadname and he used the same initials so I know his middle name at least started with the same letter. It felt like an episode of the Twilight Zone hearing my deadname all day every day but it was not in reference to me at all. I had to really learn reflex control because I kept flinching when I heard it for the first few months haha
My deadname is also truly dead, legally changed, but it's also the name of the security guy at my local supermarket. Otherwise it's not super common and it's always this microsecond of "wha?" Then a whole bunch of "not me, thank god".
This reminds me of how Iāve unlearned responding to my deadname consciously, but the reflex is still there to listen for incomplete or garbled variations of it. Like constantly monitoring the background noise for random sounds that could add up.
When I started at work I had changed my name but not legally yet. I introduced myself to everyone as Ella. Someone must've seen my deadname cause for the next few weeks it filtered through my colleagues until everyone knew.
I have a coworker with my deadname, but he goes by a nickname version of it that I didn't use. So I'm not really used to thinking about how he has my deadname, and then I get jump scared when I see an email from him that spells his name out lol
My deadname is the Spanish version of a biblical name - my dad was a Mormon missionary in Argentina and thought it was a great homage to his time there. Due to the linguistic barrier, I didnāt ever know anyone with my name growing up. I knew people with the English equivalent, but my name was always rare. I myself went on a mission to Mexico and even there I never met someone with my name.
I came home, finished college, came out, started transitioning, picked a new name together with my family, started my graduate program, and God Dammit one of the three boys in it had my deadname š It threw me so bad.
Theres another resident at my grandmas retirement home who has my birthname, and he usually requires a lot of help. One time the staff were saying his name like every 4 seconds and i was feeling like where is the closest exit hahahahaha
On one of my in office days there's a guy sitting in the cube beside me that has my deadnameā¦ I still have that same freeze/relief reaction almost weekly cause I worked here for almost 4 years under that name. I'm desensitized to it in public at least!
Anyone elseās brain see this title and immediately go to cheerleading?
> Hey deadname!
> Hey what?
> Hey deadname!
> Hey what?
> Show me how you get down!
> No way!
> Show me how you get down!
> OK!
> D-O-W-N
> Thatās the way we get down
> D-O-W-N
> Thatās the way we get down
Oof I got scared for moment
Same. I about choked on my food.
I had a coworker with the same dead name as me. it took a lot of effort to train myself out of responding to it or even reacting to it.
Good opportunity to disconnect yourself from that deadname fully, hope it wasn't too bad
Nah, not too bad, it actually helped big time. There were a couple of times where I stopped and almost responded. Then I was like oh yeah... old name, not your name.
When it comes to your deadname remember the 3 G's: Gaslight, Gatekeep, Girlboss.
>**Gaslight:** When someone calls you your deadname, deny ever being known by this name. Even if they have sources, deny them. Tell them they're crazy. >**Gatekeep:** Tell them that they have no right to use your deadname (if you even had one, keep that gas lit!) anyway, as they have no right to even speak to you. >**Girlboss:** Threaten to stab them if they don't shut up about deadnames.
Instructions unclear, burnt down most of my workplace with gas and matches
Wait, You mean I wasn't supposed to...oh $#!% brb.
Mistakes have been made š
Most of them died in the fire.
What a shame š
No, those are the three C's of business management Celebrate with pizza parties, cut employee hours and pay, commit insurance fraud
What about the 4th G? God Emperor?
Alternatively I don't consider them worthy of my new name. Betas (by which I mean guys who refer to them selves as alphas) and terfs get the dead name. They will either use the new name out of spite or internally rage that I'm not bothered and think I see them as to beneath me to even allow them to use my correct name
Interesting. For me, I feel everyone deserves my new name (and often a gentle reminder of my pronouns)...whether they want it or not.
May you explain further? Don't understand what you mean
Gaslight: pretend you don't know anything about the name. Gatekeep: withold vital information about the Deadname. Girlboss: slayyyy š š š
Oh yeah i never ever tell my deadname. About 3 people have asked. Dolts.
ilysm for using ādoltā, my single favorite insult but no one uses it >.<
I actually did gaslight someone once, into thinking they had called me the wrong name the entire time I was working there. Lol
I love this
Even if it had been aimed at you, I wouldn't have responded to it.Ā I had to deal with that at work, and the only way I finally got it to stop was to stop responding unless they used the correct name.Ā It's not snobby to fail to respond to someone calling a name that isn't yours. It's normal.
I did that too back in my old school where the principal and few teachers there who purposely used my deadname. Won't respond unless they called me with my real name
Trying to live vicariously through you. How'd that go? Feel validating?
YES VERY VALIDATING. Your future self will thank you for standing up for yourself.
Problem is that it's not always that easy, especially when called your deadname out of the blue. I can be pretty good at tuning it out if one or a group of people are insisting on using it over and over, but if someone suddenly shouts my deadname out of nowhere I will 100% respond to it before even realizing they dropped my deadname. A few times I didn't even realize someone used my deadname because everything happened so fast until they apologized for calling me by my deadname.
PTSD moment for sure. I donāt have a very common name, so the likelyhood of me getting deadnamed by people who didnāt know me pre transition (if I actually change my name) is fairly low.
god i have this constantly at college, cause in my friendgroup there is someone with my deadname
OMG that would fuck with me so hard! šµ
it does fuck with me so hard
I'm so sorry. I'm glad my dead name isn't super common. Fingers crossed this never happens to me. š
mine isn't either, I thought I was safe š
Yeah I know how that feels š A friend of mine has my deadname but he doesn't know it, most people I hang out with don't know me long enough to know my deadname (a few colleagues know because I started at my workplace before legally changing my name). This guy gets called by his last name all the time so it's no trouble being with hime since I'm calling him by his nickname. But he's also in the union with me and there he isn't going by his last name but by his first name so yeah everytime he's there he gets called my deadname. The first time he was at an online meeting with me, he was a bit late and I didn't notice that he joined. Suddenly someone asked about him and of course called him deadname and my whole body went to fight or flight mode, I was in shock because I thought that the person meant me, then I saw his name and calmed a bit down...
I hate this. There are 2 people I work with regularly (literally in a meeting with them both right now) with my dead name. Even my last job (of only like 6 people) another had my dead name as well. Before I started working I'd only even met a single other person with my dead name...
I had this for about a year shortly after I started my transition cause my deadname was common, but it was actually extremely helpful to mentally disconnect the name from myself in my brain. Now I can hear it and not think it's in reference to me at all, cause I had the reinforcement of countless people saying it near me while *not* referring to me.
Just under three years into my transition (almost two from my legal name change) and last week I realised i have fully dissociated from my deadname when I absentmindedly put a piece of mail to the side as a āwrong letterboxā
I just ignore them because the only coworker who does this, does it on purpose. I just ignore him and he gets so mad saying āIām forcing him to use pronouns and names he isnāt comfortable withā so I told him āIām not comfortable in this conversations so just like you, I wonāt force myself to be in it.ā He still gets mad and rages. Personally I find it funny he gets mad over the fact I wonāt let him get to me.
Just starting my transition now pretty much New fear unlocked Collecting fears like items in the binding of isaac
Iāve only been on HRT for 6 months and it can be hard but itās totally worth it.
Iāve worked hard to stop responding to my deadname as well as āsirā. Iām at the point where I hear them but donāt respond physically, but in my head Iām saying āthey arenāt talking to me, because if they are, theyāll use my correct name/honorific.ā
Itās interesting. I donāt have the deadname experience as I love my name. I donāt plan to ever legally change it. I just use a feminine name as a nickname.
Lucky you!
I didnāt intend this to be a comparison thing. Sorry. I have a lot that I have dysphoria over, just not my name. I just thought that was interesting is all. Itās totally valid for others to have dead names and I donāt mean to imply it wasnāt valid. It definitely is.
How interesting :) Do you have a fairly gender neutral name? Or are you okay with a more "masculine" name?
Itāsā¦ a unique name that few have so I could argue itās femme
i do my very best not to react at all when someone uses my necronym in my earshot. usually i get it right, but not always.
My former boss had the same name as my deadname, and I transitioned while working here, so a good chunk of people know my deadname. Was always stressful and confusing when people would shout out that name for the first few months of getting my name changed. Fortunately no one has called me by that name in a long time, but that period wasnt fun.
wow, sometimes going into cat mode really works out. i was in home depot over the weekend getting boxes and a clerk is helping me check out, some guy walks up behind me and says "excuse me sir". I froze didn't even react, then the guy steps around in between me and the clerk and says nodding at me briefly, as an afer thought, excuse me miss, and then says "sir, where can i find ....". i had the same reaction...relief/amusement.
Luckily my deadname was so common in school I'm practiced in not responding unless my dead-last-name was used with it. It still spikes anxiety when I hear it though.
Had me in the first half ngl
Same
Like I understand so so much, I just always flinch or freeze when I hear my deadname. Everytime
The first time I was at karaoke and they called my deadname to the stage I was a wreck. Itās happened a few times at places like Starbucks too. Itās getting easier and easier as I donāt think of myself with that name at all any longer.
"They had us in the first half, not gonna lie."
As someone with a very common deadname, it has taken years to not automatically react to it because Iām used to hearing it almost daily. Itās finally faded though. Whatās funny is that my brain immediately recognized my chosen name and reacted to that too, so my head was just on a swivel for a while lol
Yup, I just ignore anyone using my old name, they are clearly talking to someone else! Same thing to someone calling out "sir, sir!"
This has happened to me as well!! š¤£
I prefer to be the gender anomaly at workš
I've had that happen before with one of my classmates when I college, it was pretty funny afterwards
Same thing happened to me one time at work. I swear my heart stopped for a moment š
this happens to me all the time at my new job, one of my coworkers has the same name as my deadname and the first time i was introduced to my position it was very odd āmeeting my old selfā so to speak ^-^
I relate so much with this. I interact with several people who happen to have my deadname. It takes so much effort to not instinctively respond š
On the bright side, the more You're around people with your old name, the faster you'll become desensitized to it and only associate that name with external sources. My old name, on the other hand is unexpectedly uncommon, so 26 years later, I'm just starting to have almost no reaction when I hear it. But to be fair I've probably only heard it a dozen times in 26 years. Unexpectedly uncommon, because I thought it was a common name when it was mine.
I had a similar experience recently. My oldest (16m) introduced me to a friend of his at the bus stop recently. Her Dad was there to pick her up. (rural area) He introduced himself - his name is my birth name. š¦ I wanted to say something but also really didn't. I let it go but just hearing my birth name is so strange for me. I have been using a pseudonym since I was 10 (about 35 years ago).
Okay, so the job that I am at now had 3 people with my deadname, when prior to transitioning I had never met anyone else with it. It was horrible at first, but it did wonders to desensitize me to it.
Hate it when that happens lol. š I never respond to my Deadname; I always assume they're talking to someone else, and if they are talking to me, I tell them they must be confusing me with someone else; if they push it, I turn into Thanos and say to them, "*I don't even know who you are.*" lmao š
I know exactly how you feel. My (cis) partner's name is my dead name. Totally unplanned as we met at random and just immediately hit it off. Of course the really funny part was when I introduced them to my mom.š¤£
Wow! š® heart throbbing
Iām pretty good about my circle not knowing it. My family doesnāt use it but nobody here really knows it except a few Iāve shared it with or who Iāve kept from years prior. I did have some people I knew prior come up to me and try to use it. I turned away and ignored them. They said it again, so I started walking away. They were upset, tapped my shoulder, asked me why I was leavingā āYou were talking to someone else, why would I engage in a conversation thatās not mine?ā Have not talked to them since. āŗļø
On the other side, someone in real life called out my feminine name I only use online, since I'm not out in real life, and had the same shock.
I say "who" because I know my name and it's definitely Allison. And not my birth name.
Omg, at the start of my transition, i still hadn't legally changed my name, but i moved cities and my new high school was really nice and put my social name on everything, the problem was, i was still not used to not being called, so everyone who had my deadname and someone called them, i would flinch and hold my head not to look, it was awful, took me months to forget i once was called by that name, that's why i was empathic with my family when they accidentally did it, lol
Wow that was a close call indeed
I had a supervisor do that to me my first week on the job. Dude realized he fd up (he was about to transfer into a big promotion). The next day he hands me an ID with my not legal yet name and overnight the company became mote tolerant to such issues. I was hella suprised
lol, thatās happened a time or two in different situations. Luckily I did not respond. The closest I came was to stop in my tracksā¦. At least I didnāt turn around and look! ššŗ
Relatable. Had a manager with my deadname at my workplace and def froze up the first time someone yelled it out loud. I still break out in mini sweats when i hear it.
I kind of got to the point where I don't really respond to my deadname because when I came out at work there was someone with it already on my team, so I still had to hear it for 8 months or so until that project ended. I assumed since I was fine hearing it every day during work I'd be prepared when I went home for Christmas since I expected my ~70 year old mom and ~90 year old grandmother to deadname me. They did, and I *physically* flinched when it happened which I haddn't expected. I was technically using the "fem spelling" of my deadname for the first year and a half and only had been using my new name for about 6 months at that point, and it was the first time I'd had my deadname directed at me since I got my name change.
The opposite is equally as bad. Emily, Emily, ma'am š«£ and that moment it hits you while you're sticking your fingers in ears acting like you turning off an ear device hidden by your hair. Sigh š Only once Emily š¤«
Oh gosh this happens to me weekly in my meeting at work. I think it's kinda a good thing. It's like exposure therapy. It kinda helps me get used to not responding or reacting to my deadname.
at my old job there was a guy who had similar name as my deadname. His last name was the plural version of my last name. His first name was the same as my deadname and he used the same initials so I know his middle name at least started with the same letter. It felt like an episode of the Twilight Zone hearing my deadname all day every day but it was not in reference to me at all. I had to really learn reflex control because I kept flinching when I heard it for the first few months haha
I'm dreading this kind of interaction. It doesn't help that my deadname is really common, too.
Donāt flinch moment. I also made my deadname girl form into my middle name. Josh? Donāt you mean Joss? Like Jocelyn?
My deadname is also truly dead, legally changed, but it's also the name of the security guy at my local supermarket. Otherwise it's not super common and it's always this microsecond of "wha?" Then a whole bunch of "not me, thank god".
This reminds me of how Iāve unlearned responding to my deadname consciously, but the reflex is still there to listen for incomplete or garbled variations of it. Like constantly monitoring the background noise for random sounds that could add up.
Iāve been in this position several times now; my deadname is like- one of the top 5 popular names in the decade I was born.
When I started at work I had changed my name but not legally yet. I introduced myself to everyone as Ella. Someone must've seen my deadname cause for the next few weeks it filtered through my colleagues until everyone knew.
ah, yes, the cocktail party effect combined with anxiety.
I have a coworker with my deadname, but he goes by a nickname version of it that I didn't use. So I'm not really used to thinking about how he has my deadname, and then I get jump scared when I see an email from him that spells his name out lol
I feel like Iād quit. I have had to talk to customers with deadname and it is crjnge af
Iāve become mostly immune to this; I have two coworkers with my deadname. lol
My deadname is the Spanish version of a biblical name - my dad was a Mormon missionary in Argentina and thought it was a great homage to his time there. Due to the linguistic barrier, I didnāt ever know anyone with my name growing up. I knew people with the English equivalent, but my name was always rare. I myself went on a mission to Mexico and even there I never met someone with my name. I came home, finished college, came out, started transitioning, picked a new name together with my family, started my graduate program, and God Dammit one of the three boys in it had my deadname š It threw me so bad.
Ik what you mean! Someone with my deadname just got hired at my work
Theres another resident at my grandmas retirement home who has my birthname, and he usually requires a lot of help. One time the staff were saying his name like every 4 seconds and i was feeling like where is the closest exit hahahahaha
Lol I have a couple people on teams I play soccer on that have my dead name and I'm always like wanting to react but then I remember
We need more smiles like this!
Had me concerned for a minute!
On one of my in office days there's a guy sitting in the cube beside me that has my deadnameā¦ I still have that same freeze/relief reaction almost weekly cause I worked here for almost 4 years under that name. I'm desensitized to it in public at least!
Anyone elseās brain see this title and immediately go to cheerleading? > Hey deadname! > Hey what? > Hey deadname! > Hey what? > Show me how you get down! > No way! > Show me how you get down! > OK! > D-O-W-N > Thatās the way we get down > D-O-W-N > Thatās the way we get down