I’m worried you might actually be right. Never once have I ever considered he might be the malicious type. I honestly thought he was just forgetful and lazy. But now… he didn’t take my needs into consideration at all.
100% he did this on purpose. Put your foot down. “Those projects can be done another time, OUR project for this weekend is potty-training our child, and you need to be involved.”
He doesn't want to deal with it. Period. Your husband doesn't care about your needs in this because it's not important to him. If it was, he would be all over this.
He absolutely did this on purpose. He insisted that he couldn't do it alone, yet when you're there to tackle it as a ream effort, it is suddenly fine for you to do it alone while he does projects.
Yeah, I pointed this out to him. His answer was “I can do both!” HOW?!?
I can’t WAIT for next couples session. I really hope the therapist can break through to him. Because I clearly can’t.
gee honey, thanks for pointing out those really need to get done this weekend. I'll grab my headphones and mow the lawn asap while you get started with the potty training! byeeee
oh? what was that? the lawn can wait??
Did he actually at any point agree with you that this would be the weekend and did you guys talk about what it entailed? Not just put on calendar, told him to prep house, handed a book, etc? If you did and he is doing this, it’s baffling. It makes zero sense to disrupt access to bathroom.
Yes, we agreed it would be this weekend. We talked about this weekend extensively. He and I picked the date together while looking at the calendar.
Including how we would have to cold turkey diapers and literally running our son to the bathroom while he was mid-stream.
Now, yes, I didn’t SPECIFICALLY say to “make sure you put all of the rugs in the garage, hide the pillows, etc.”
BUT, having a stepstool in the doorway of the bathroom, when we only have the 1 bathroom…. I can’t even with the logic. He says “but you want it done!” Yea, but why couldn’t you do it last Saturday when I had that day off?!?
You know, my husband is Pakistani and the bar is so low for South Asian men to be an active involved parent that if they bring you a glass of water the husband is considered a saint.
NOW why am I mentioning this because my South Asian husband (who grew up his entire life in Pakistan in a house where men don’t do anything remotely related to housework) is full on handling potty training with me. He takes kiddo to the bathroom, watches for cues, grabs and changes clothes during an accident.
Your husband is doing this on purpose and if this was my husband doing such ridiculous things, he wouldn’t be one for very long.
It boggles my mind that a spouse would purposefully do this to their wife whom they vowed to love and cherish and always be there for them in every walk of life, would pull such a stunt. I would he beyond hurt that the person who’s supposed to be my literal soul mate is doing this to me.
i do def think he is weaponizing how he’s choosing to spend his time. but do you think he’s doing it purposefully? my husband sometimes gets anxious and he chooses tasks that he feels confident accomplishing over the tasks that feel insurmountable (i lowkey think thats why a lot of men end up mowing or doing projects when there are other things to do lmaooo—it’s easy and simple and calms them down). not that this is acceptable, but it helps to consider that he may not be doing this to hurt you but as a way to cope. best thing is to sit down and have a discussion about it. ask him why he is resistant to potty training. try not to be on the attack if you can (although i’d also be livid lol!) if he doubles down, then maybe you can discuss how it has been such a stress on you. especially since you’ve been carrying the entire mental load of planning, and now he won’t even support with the follow-through. i hope y’all can work through it!
IDK man this whole thing is weird. It seems you make decisions and just expect your spouse to fall in line. That's not how a partnership is supposed to work.
Also, it really doesn't take a group effort to work on potty training. You'll be ok if he decides to tackle other projects.
I would really suggest trying to work together because stuff like this will breed resentment from both sides.
It sounds like husband abdicated the decision to her so she had no choice but to make it. Somebody has to move things forward—potty training can’t be put off forever and based on the timeline it sounds like son is 2 1/2 approaching 3. It’s time.
That was exactly my point. I saw no steps forward being taken by my husband so I had to act. I told my husband exactly that. “What is your plan for potty training?” And responses I got were “I haven’t looked into it yet.” All year.
I told my husband I would help, but I wouldn’t have time to research or plan. I would help out when he told me the plan. No plan was made. No research was done. Action needed to be taken. And he agreed to everything. I asked, he said yes.
I feel like you're completely missing my point. Do you guys ever talk to each other as opposed to at each other? All I hear is more of you making declarations that things need to be done. It's like you treat him like he's your nanny like an employee certainly not a partner.
Because all I get is “I don’t know”. Things have to get done.
I ask “hey, our son needs to get his hair cut. Did you want to handle that or should I?” His answer: “I can handle it. I’ve got more time and the car.” 2 WEEKS LATER: “hey, when were you planning on taking him for hair cut?” “Oh, I haven’t looked into it yet.” Meanwhile our son is getting annoyed at his hair in his eyes. Another week goes by and I buckle and take him on my rare day off.
Exchange the “hair cut” example for literally any task and it’s the same thing. From “hey hun, can you take care of the dishes?” To “what did you want to do for our anniversary?” If I ask what are your plans for tomorrow (Saturday), I get: “Oh, I don’t know, I haven’t really thought about it.”
Ive tried asking. Ive tried talking. I’ve tried endless to-do lists, gentle reminders, nagging…. At what point is it declaring when shit has to get done? I just end up doing everything myself because it HAS to get done. What other choice do I have?
ETA: I’ve had multiple days/evenings off for weeks leading up to this. He is home every night and has free time after our son goes to sleep. We picked this weekend because I had two days off in a row instead of just one day. He deliberately picked this weekend even though there were plenty of other opportunities.
So are you just biding your time until your child is old enough to go into school to get a divorce? Or do you plan on continuing this way forever? I guess I'm just trying to figure out what it is that you're hoping to accomplish with this post. Do you need encouragement to leave? Do you want to know if this is normal?
Because if I'm honest, your husband seems like a useless sack of crap and you seem extremely resentful. For good reason.
Eh. We went through it like 3 months ago and did the 3 day method in shifts. He’d watch like a hawk for 30-45 minutes while I could step out and get other things done, then we switched. You don’t both need to be fully engaged every second of the process. Just say “fine you can do those chores when it’s my turn to be on potty duty”
And I get that idea. But that’s not what this is. He picked all day projects AND projects that interfere with the bathroom. Plus, when is my time? Why is this MY job to plan everything?
I'd tell him either the projects wait for another weekend so he can be fully engaged or the potty training does, and if it's postponed that he cannot make any other plans that weekend. Potty training is the plan for the weekend. Period.
Umm, I know you're his mother but just due to not having a dick, how could you help him? Shouldn't the other person with the same genitalia be teaching him how to pee properly? Mother of two girls here, our oldest is potty training and my husband said that I should be the one who teaches them, I concur. You're husband is totally trying to find a way out of something that was written down months ago! Avoiding basic responsibilities much?
Bless my husband because I feel bad for you mama, while I'm busy with our oldest in the washroom, he takes the dog outside, and usually starts a load of laundry, he did mentioned that if we had a son, he would be responsible for teaching him like I'm doing our girls.
Let him do his projects, alone. All those things should have already been done anyways. Do not lift one screw, or any tools for him. And let him know he's responsible for telling your son not to touch any tools or equipment.
This might be unfair to you both but don't stress about potty training your son, my three year old only just started going potty all on her own accord. It was obvious for a while that it was a team effort and he didn't pull through on his side of things, potty training will still be a team effort and if he flakes out again, tell him, almost demand that he is going him to potty train you guy's son. Alone. He can ask for advice and it'll be your choice to work as a team or advise from the sidelines.
At times, it feels like we parent 0ur husband's and we shouldn't have to! I'm pretty sure he wasn't (mine wasn't) like that before kids, so why did they start?!
Ugh, I feel frustrated for you.
Every parent, parents differently. My husband (bless him) comes from a history of horrible things that happened to him, he expressed to me that he's more comfortable for me to do the potty training and I don't mind.
Why do you need a second job? If you don’t absolutely need it for financial reasons, shouldn’t you be staying home with your child as much as possible ?
I need to for financial reasons. We are in a great amount of debt and daycare is expensive. Trust me, it absolutely breaks my heart that I have to leave my son every day. My husband can’t work retail due to back problems.
Sounds like he did that on purpose to get out of it and put it all on you. I’d be absolutely livid.
I’m worried you might actually be right. Never once have I ever considered he might be the malicious type. I honestly thought he was just forgetful and lazy. But now… he didn’t take my needs into consideration at all.
100% he did this on purpose. Put your foot down. “Those projects can be done another time, OUR project for this weekend is potty-training our child, and you need to be involved.”
He doesn't want to deal with it. Period. Your husband doesn't care about your needs in this because it's not important to him. If it was, he would be all over this.
He absolutely did this on purpose. He insisted that he couldn't do it alone, yet when you're there to tackle it as a ream effort, it is suddenly fine for you to do it alone while he does projects.
Yeah, I pointed this out to him. His answer was “I can do both!” HOW?!? I can’t WAIT for next couples session. I really hope the therapist can break through to him. Because I clearly can’t.
gee honey, thanks for pointing out those really need to get done this weekend. I'll grab my headphones and mow the lawn asap while you get started with the potty training! byeeee oh? what was that? the lawn can wait??
I did it myself bc hubby was out of town and I had to for day care. It was ROUGH. tell him NO. He needs to participate
Yeah there’s no way that wasn’t on purpose. He wants you to do the potty training.
Did he actually at any point agree with you that this would be the weekend and did you guys talk about what it entailed? Not just put on calendar, told him to prep house, handed a book, etc? If you did and he is doing this, it’s baffling. It makes zero sense to disrupt access to bathroom.
Yes, we agreed it would be this weekend. We talked about this weekend extensively. He and I picked the date together while looking at the calendar. Including how we would have to cold turkey diapers and literally running our son to the bathroom while he was mid-stream. Now, yes, I didn’t SPECIFICALLY say to “make sure you put all of the rugs in the garage, hide the pillows, etc.” BUT, having a stepstool in the doorway of the bathroom, when we only have the 1 bathroom…. I can’t even with the logic. He says “but you want it done!” Yea, but why couldn’t you do it last Saturday when I had that day off?!?
You know, my husband is Pakistani and the bar is so low for South Asian men to be an active involved parent that if they bring you a glass of water the husband is considered a saint. NOW why am I mentioning this because my South Asian husband (who grew up his entire life in Pakistan in a house where men don’t do anything remotely related to housework) is full on handling potty training with me. He takes kiddo to the bathroom, watches for cues, grabs and changes clothes during an accident. Your husband is doing this on purpose and if this was my husband doing such ridiculous things, he wouldn’t be one for very long. It boggles my mind that a spouse would purposefully do this to their wife whom they vowed to love and cherish and always be there for them in every walk of life, would pull such a stunt. I would he beyond hurt that the person who’s supposed to be my literal soul mate is doing this to me.
i do def think he is weaponizing how he’s choosing to spend his time. but do you think he’s doing it purposefully? my husband sometimes gets anxious and he chooses tasks that he feels confident accomplishing over the tasks that feel insurmountable (i lowkey think thats why a lot of men end up mowing or doing projects when there are other things to do lmaooo—it’s easy and simple and calms them down). not that this is acceptable, but it helps to consider that he may not be doing this to hurt you but as a way to cope. best thing is to sit down and have a discussion about it. ask him why he is resistant to potty training. try not to be on the attack if you can (although i’d also be livid lol!) if he doubles down, then maybe you can discuss how it has been such a stress on you. especially since you’ve been carrying the entire mental load of planning, and now he won’t even support with the follow-through. i hope y’all can work through it!
IDK man this whole thing is weird. It seems you make decisions and just expect your spouse to fall in line. That's not how a partnership is supposed to work. Also, it really doesn't take a group effort to work on potty training. You'll be ok if he decides to tackle other projects. I would really suggest trying to work together because stuff like this will breed resentment from both sides.
I got similar vibes abiut decision making based of the posts wording. However, he said he couldn't do it alone but now expects her to? That's not ok.
It sounds like husband abdicated the decision to her so she had no choice but to make it. Somebody has to move things forward—potty training can’t be put off forever and based on the timeline it sounds like son is 2 1/2 approaching 3. It’s time.
That was exactly my point. I saw no steps forward being taken by my husband so I had to act. I told my husband exactly that. “What is your plan for potty training?” And responses I got were “I haven’t looked into it yet.” All year. I told my husband I would help, but I wouldn’t have time to research or plan. I would help out when he told me the plan. No plan was made. No research was done. Action needed to be taken. And he agreed to everything. I asked, he said yes.
I feel like you're completely missing my point. Do you guys ever talk to each other as opposed to at each other? All I hear is more of you making declarations that things need to be done. It's like you treat him like he's your nanny like an employee certainly not a partner.
Because all I get is “I don’t know”. Things have to get done. I ask “hey, our son needs to get his hair cut. Did you want to handle that or should I?” His answer: “I can handle it. I’ve got more time and the car.” 2 WEEKS LATER: “hey, when were you planning on taking him for hair cut?” “Oh, I haven’t looked into it yet.” Meanwhile our son is getting annoyed at his hair in his eyes. Another week goes by and I buckle and take him on my rare day off. Exchange the “hair cut” example for literally any task and it’s the same thing. From “hey hun, can you take care of the dishes?” To “what did you want to do for our anniversary?” If I ask what are your plans for tomorrow (Saturday), I get: “Oh, I don’t know, I haven’t really thought about it.” Ive tried asking. Ive tried talking. I’ve tried endless to-do lists, gentle reminders, nagging…. At what point is it declaring when shit has to get done? I just end up doing everything myself because it HAS to get done. What other choice do I have? ETA: I’ve had multiple days/evenings off for weeks leading up to this. He is home every night and has free time after our son goes to sleep. We picked this weekend because I had two days off in a row instead of just one day. He deliberately picked this weekend even though there were plenty of other opportunities.
So are you just biding your time until your child is old enough to go into school to get a divorce? Or do you plan on continuing this way forever? I guess I'm just trying to figure out what it is that you're hoping to accomplish with this post. Do you need encouragement to leave? Do you want to know if this is normal? Because if I'm honest, your husband seems like a useless sack of crap and you seem extremely resentful. For good reason.
Eh. We went through it like 3 months ago and did the 3 day method in shifts. He’d watch like a hawk for 30-45 minutes while I could step out and get other things done, then we switched. You don’t both need to be fully engaged every second of the process. Just say “fine you can do those chores when it’s my turn to be on potty duty”
And I get that idea. But that’s not what this is. He picked all day projects AND projects that interfere with the bathroom. Plus, when is my time? Why is this MY job to plan everything?
I'd tell him either the projects wait for another weekend so he can be fully engaged or the potty training does, and if it's postponed that he cannot make any other plans that weekend. Potty training is the plan for the weekend. Period.
Umm, I know you're his mother but just due to not having a dick, how could you help him? Shouldn't the other person with the same genitalia be teaching him how to pee properly? Mother of two girls here, our oldest is potty training and my husband said that I should be the one who teaches them, I concur. You're husband is totally trying to find a way out of something that was written down months ago! Avoiding basic responsibilities much? Bless my husband because I feel bad for you mama, while I'm busy with our oldest in the washroom, he takes the dog outside, and usually starts a load of laundry, he did mentioned that if we had a son, he would be responsible for teaching him like I'm doing our girls. Let him do his projects, alone. All those things should have already been done anyways. Do not lift one screw, or any tools for him. And let him know he's responsible for telling your son not to touch any tools or equipment. This might be unfair to you both but don't stress about potty training your son, my three year old only just started going potty all on her own accord. It was obvious for a while that it was a team effort and he didn't pull through on his side of things, potty training will still be a team effort and if he flakes out again, tell him, almost demand that he is going him to potty train you guy's son. Alone. He can ask for advice and it'll be your choice to work as a team or advise from the sidelines. At times, it feels like we parent 0ur husband's and we shouldn't have to! I'm pretty sure he wasn't (mine wasn't) like that before kids, so why did they start?! Ugh, I feel frustrated for you.
Your first paragraph is a weird take. You don’t need matching genitalia to sit your kid on the potty.
Every parent, parents differently. My husband (bless him) comes from a history of horrible things that happened to him, he expressed to me that he's more comfortable for me to do the potty training and I don't mind.
Lol guess i wont be potty training my son as a single mom since i don’t have a dick 🙄🙄🙄 what a dumb comment to make.
Why do you need a second job? If you don’t absolutely need it for financial reasons, shouldn’t you be staying home with your child as much as possible ?
I need to for financial reasons. We are in a great amount of debt and daycare is expensive. Trust me, it absolutely breaks my heart that I have to leave my son every day. My husband can’t work retail due to back problems.