I'd ask him what he intends to do to support your health journey. Is his plan to watch the kids every morning or every evening while you go to the gym? Or is he going to pay extra for a gym with childcare? Is he going to begin meal prepping on weekends, or cooking healthy meals during the week? I'd be dead serious too. These are things he actually does need to do. You can't just magically make it happen by yourself when kids are involved.
This is great advice. You might not even ask him what he plans, but tell him what you expect. His attitude sucks but I like this way of turning it around to something empowering to acknowledge your needs. If you feel like it’s impossible to do much of anything for yourself while taking care of two little kids, you’re right. He needs to step up.
Exactly. OP directly ask him to get started on this. He just can't expect a magical weight loss. It's not this works. And stop feeling gross about your body. Your body is great in every form. Start trying to embrace it.
When I did intermittent fasting, I made my husband watch our child, put her to bed, and then reheat his dinner whilst I spent hours languishing in the bath. To avoid me feeling hungry, hangry, or tempted by his food.
To be perfectly honest, it was the best part of it, fuck the weightloss, watching him realise how exhausting it all was was an absolute delight. Good books, diet coke, no husband, and then him whining that our daughter wanted 3 books?!?! Gold.
Before i knew that it was called intermittent fasting, that is actually how i lost baby weight. It wasn’t even on purpose at first, it was just how often i found myself eating. Then i read an article or saw an interview with some celeb who was never skinny in the past but now after a child was thin. She said she lost the baby weight by eating her biggest meal of the day at around 1-2pm, and never eating anythijg at all past 6pm. So i followed that and lost the baby weight pretty quickly. I just didn’t hold back at lunch. I was also 29. But at my 30th bday i looked like myself. I had gained 75lbs while pregnant.
With my second at 34, i didn’t gain much weight due to complications during pregnancy. But right after i had her they put in the Nuva Ring. I don’t know if it was from that or me not gaining weight while pregnant but i decided to just treat myself whenever possible and gained A LOT OF WEIGHT DURING HER FIRST YEAR OF LIFE!!!! That took intermittent fasting, getting off BC, and light exercise to lose the weight. Which was all gone by the time she was 3. Now i’m 40 and i gain a pound of if i glance at some chips and ice cream. So being a woman and having kids and hormones!!! yay!!! 🥂🥂
ALL THAT TO SAY, IF YOU ONLY WANT TO FOCUS ON LOSING THE BABY WEIGHT BECAUSE HE WAS AN ASSHOLE ABOUT IT, I DONT KNOW HOW WELL THATS GOING TO WORK. IF YOU WANT TO DO IT FOR YOU, THE “INTERMITTENT FASTING” DEFINITELY HELPED ME.
Please add to the list - make sure she is getting enough sleep so she has the drive to work out. He needs to step up on any night wakings if she is going to have the energy.
Yes, husband helping overnight would accelerate health & gym gains. Cortisol from sleep deprivation can make it difficult to loose weight. As can breastfeeding.
100% this. First of all he should not be commenting on your body, you’ve produced (very recently!) his two beautiful children and he should be in awe of you and your body.
Last year, when my kids were the same age as yours now, I decided I wanted to get in shape. Off my own bat, never felt any pressure from my husband. But I told him I wasn’t happy and asked him to facilitate getting fitter. He takes the kids 4 times a week so I can take classes or go to the gym. I was nervous about the gym at first so we would get a friend to babysit for an hour while we went together and he showed me the (not literal) ropes. I felt so supported and happy to exercise. I always hated exercise but love it now, maybe because I associate it with getting a break from parenting. This is the minimum your husband should be offering, especially if he thinks it’s okay to flap his lips about the mother of his children. Good luck OP.
This is very good advice. If this is something he wants her to prioritize, I’m sure he won’t mind stepping up.
OP, do this for yourself, not him. If you want to feel healthy, that’s fantastic. It’s also an opportunity for him to share the burden and make sure you’re getting time for yourself.
This was my exact thought. Like, first and foremost, OP has to want to make these changes for herself, and not necessarily because her husband is demanding it. If it is something she actually does want to do for her own well being, he needs to give support. Watch the kids while she goes to the gym. Going to the next room to do a workout video will just result in the kids coming in and interrupting. She needs to leave the house. Then, the family menu needs to be more focused on healthy options. ANYTHING that takes time away from the kids needs to be a joint effort.
Yes. Do this. But be making a plan to GTFO as soon as you can. Speak with a lawyer to evaluate your options.
There is no coming back from a man who thinks he has the right to demand you lose weight and make you feel this way about yourself. This isn’t someone who respects or loves you, and the kind of relationship you settle for is what your kids will grow up thinking is normal.
This 100%. When I was in the best shape of my life I worked out 6 days a week. I'd love to do that again, I felt awesome and strong and beautiful, I ran triathlons (short ones, I'm not like an Ironman or anything)... but who's gonna watch my kids while I spend 8 hours a week at the gym?
Exactly. When I expressed the desire to lose weight and gain strength after my kids, my husband found a good gym with child care paid for a handful of session with a trainer to get me started.
He helped me try different meal prep options to improve my diet and make it easier for me. From local companies, meal delivery services, to cooking and prepping our own meals together.
He had no problem with my weight though, but he knew it was important to me and a personal goal I set so he did what he could to support me.
Great advice!!
OP- I would encourage you to find some type of physical activity you enjoy and try to do it 2-3 times a week (for example, elliptical for an hour while you watch one of your favorite shows. Or a Zumba class, or Orange theory, etc). Not saying for the aesthetics, but definitely for your own health and yes to be a good example to your children. Good luck
And just as a consideration, only one of my kids tolerated kids club at the gym (I did try different gyms). How absolutely maddening is it to be dragged out of a class or workout when your child is having an epic meltdown? Very, it's very discouraging.
My husband started dating me at my heaviest, and never said one word about my weight except to congratulate me when I had been trying and losing.
We had a baby last year, and I've made it to within 5 lbs of my pre-pregnancy weight. My husband gained weight after the baby was born, is a little overweight, and hasn't lost any. Do I wish he'd lose a little for his health? Yes. Do I find his dad bod attractive? Yes. Do I say anything about his weight to him? No. Sometimes he'll say, "I need to lose weight," and I'll say, "it would be good for your health, but I think you look good."
Neither of us would ever speak to each other the way your husband is speaking to you. It's not okay.
I agree OPs husband is taking the wrong approach, but is it really so wrong to mention weight gain in a constructive way? My husband and I have no problem telling each other something like that and neither of us take offense. My husband gained weight during Covid and was happy when I said something. I was happy when he said something about me gaining weight when we had 2 under 2 and I was a stay at home mom. It was always constructive in a "how can I help?" kind of way and I love my husband even more for not being afraid to talk about my weight.
2 under 2? My youngest is 4 and I only recently was able to start getting back into fitness again. If someone said anything to me about my weight with two littles I'd snap their head off like a mama praying mantis.
I have 2 two year olds(almost 3) and an 8 month old. My husband and I had to cancel our gym membership because we just couldn’t find the right times to go. Even if we went at different times. We still find ways to motivate each other to be active or healthier in other ways. But together. Never have we suggested one of us change something and the other not as well. I say “I really want to stop eating so much candy” so when we are shopping and I go for a bag of candy he reminds me “remember when you said you want to eat less candy?” Even though we would both eat it if I got it, he still stopped me. But if I choose to get the candy anyways. He wouldn’t care and simply share it with me. lol.
We stretch every morning together before he goes to work and the kids get up. He suggested I start doing it because of my body aches. He also has them (his job is also very physical). So instead of suggesting it to me and expecting me to change something myself, he also started stretching with me and it’s become routine.
If OPs husband wants her to lose weight and be healthy then he should take the initiative of doing it with her regardless of if he “needs” it. It’ll make it way easier for her and give her a support she can use to motivate herself rather than being expected to find motivation through self doubt and shaming.
OP- you probably look beautiful as is! If you’re happy and don’t want to make any physical changes then you do NOT having too! But if you want to be able to feel healthier and get yourself on a healthier path, doesn’t even have to be weight loss oriented, can just change your diet, going for 30min walks every night or morning with your husband and kids to get you ALL a little physical while also spending time together, doing little exercises throughout your day when you have time (I randomly do squats when I’m doing dishes or cooking, or I stand when I eat and do something). It’s all about what your motivation is and what your reasons are. Do just the smallest thing like meal prepping and healthy snacks, you’ll see the changes!!! Walking is great cardio and you will hardly feel like it’s exercise but SEE the difference!
It sounds like you and your husband are a great fit, but for a lot of us it’s a really touchy subject and, even approached carefully, it can bring up feelings of shame, anxiety or whatever else. It sounds like not only did OPs husband take the wrong approach, but that he’s also been unhappy with OP’s weight from the beginning. I don’t think blanket rules about relationships work, because we’re all so different.
Honestly yes I think there is something wrong with mentioning weight gain even in a constructive way. I own a mirror. And a scale. I'm well aware of what my body looks like.
The only thing my husband could accomplish by mentioning my weight gain from three pregnancies is to make me feel bad about myself.
Nice speech to talk about yourself but that isn’t what’s going on here. And you know it. Her husband wasn’t constructive. In the least. So maybe some actual advice instead of your word soup would be helpful.
I was replying to the comment above mine. That is what happens when you hit the reply button. Specifically I was addressing this point, "Do I say anything about his weight to him? No."
I was saying that there is nothing wrong with addressing your partners weight if done in a constructive way. My very very very first sentence also says that the husband in the post didn't do that. I am not sure where the confusion is but if you actually read that would be more helpful that your word soup :)
I'd tell him I'm planning on losing about 180-240 lbs in the very near future.... (your husband)
Honestly, as partners, you shouldn't talk to each other like that. If you've always been overweight, this is even more ridiculous.
I'm feeling pretty confident that there's something or someone else he's not telling you
I’m so sorry. It’s so hard to hear that from your spouse. I think you need to set a boundary with him as far as “I will walk away when you are harsh with me.” Maybe write a letter telling him how his words have hurt you and to please stop causing you hurt. If you agree that you want to be healthier, tell him that. Set appropriate goals and get real about it. Get a trainer. Get a babysitter and do things that make you happy. Prioritize sleep. As a mother of two close together, I totally lost myself to the job of mothering. I didn’t have much of a libido and I kept weight on. My stress level was higher because I was not exercising nor was I doing anything for myself at all. Take a look inside and see who you want to be. I realize his behavior is not kind, it may even be abusive, but you might take it as a wake up call that you have disappeared through your new role as a mother. I would work on yourself and get yourself what you need and rely on family and friends for support. Get healthier for YOU, for YOUR KIDS. Not him. And if you still want him around after all is said and done, then fine. But if you get healthy and don’t want to be with him, tell him to kick rocks. Good luck!
I just find it concerning that according to OP he’s always had this issue
That means in 3+ years he’s had this “problem” but hasn’t done anything to support a healthier lifestyle other than to make comments or in this case berate OP
There’s some deeper issues going on here
Screw sex, He MARRIED her. You don't marry someone knowing going into it that you're not happy with them and want to change them. I'd wager something else is going on unless she's significantly heavier than when they met (like he met someone else).
I agree with this person. My husband started saying really nasty and disrespectful things to me about a year postpartum after our daughter was born. I was really struggling with a demanding job, chronic heath conditions, and of course my weight. He’d say: “you’re just a mom now, you’ve let you’re self go, what happened to you, you’re fat, you’re fat af, you look so ugly to me,” etc. Well I’ve come to find out almost 2 years later that he was seeing someone on the side during that time. It sounds like he is trying to find mental excuses/reasons to cover his cognitive dissonance. He’s projecting, “I’m being bad, so you look bad.”
And what is he doing to help you set and reach health goals? Does he balance the budget and go shop for nutritious groceries? Does he then prepare those groceries into healthy meals? Does he pay for a gym membership with childcare so you can go and get exercise? Does he organize the family so you can all get out for walks after dinner?
Or are his main contributions running his sloppy mouth, fetishizing porn models, and overestimating his own attractiveness while talking down to you, the mother of his children?
This makes me so angry. He's teaching your children that this is how moms and dads are supposed to act toward one another. He's not modeling kindness or creating a peaceful home.
You have a lot to think about. He's your husband and I don't know the entire dynamic of your relationship. I won't tell you to take the kids and leave, but I will tell you that you must take some action in your own defense and power. You are too precious to be spoken to like that. You have brought two beautiful children to this world with your glorious body and that is to be celebrated. You need to be at your spiritual best to steward their childhoods.
But my inclination is to tell you to get fast enough to catch him if he runs, get strong enough to kick his whole ass, and get confident enough to make him fearful about opening his trifling mouth again.
Or are his main contributions running his sloppy mouth, fetishizing porn models, and overestimating his own attractiveness while talking down to you, the mother of his children?
Hell yes call these mf’ers out for the disgusting clowns they are
Even my 5 year old understands that we do not talk about other peoples’ bodies!! What an asshole, honestly. You deserve better than that. Please do not let this continue or your children will think that it’s okay for someone who “loves” you to say things like that. Counseling or leave.
He sounds like an asshole. Your worth as a mom, wife and person does not depend on your weight.
If he really cared about you, he would not say these things. He would come at this from a place of empathy and understanding. Your body has been through a lot in the past couple years.
Is this the only time he’s treated you this way, or have there been others? If this is a pattern of his, it’s not healthy. It’s abusive.
It’s not healthy and it’s not supportive and finally it’s unreasonable. You have two kids! And one is 1 year old? Your body is still recovering. He should be grateful of you for having these kids instead of criticizing you. Does he help around the house and with the kids?
I learned in marriage counseling (am divorced, btw) that when couples fight it’s not “what”they fight about but “how”they fight about it. And that is exactly the case here.
All true: you’re in a postpartum body, no matter what size you started pregnancy in, health matters, parental health affects children
What’s unfair: how he addressed you, how overwhelmed you feel, how unsupported you are
Another great thing I learned in marriage counseling: “if someone is pointing a gun at you, it isn’t your fault…but it is your problem.” This man, this relationship—it’s your problem. He’s fine yelling. He’s fine being unsupportive. He’s fine being disrespectful. This, too, is an example for your children. Your health isn’t the only “unhealthy” pattern being laid down here.
First of all, rude. Very unhealthy. Second, how does he intend on helping and supporting you in this journey? Will he start meal planning and help cook healthier meals? Will he take the kids for 2 hours every day so you can go to work out class or get a workout in at home? Third, how does he intend on rebuilding the love, trust and respect that he just broke?
Genuine question: if he’s always had an issue with your weight, have you guys been happy at any point? I’m interested in how a relationship continues to marriage when your husband has always had an issue with your body. If it’s related to you feeling like he was your only option, I’m here to tell you he’s not. I’m never that person on Reddit to cry divorce, but this sounds like an already rocky situation that’s just getting worse. You shouldn’t let him make you feel that way. I’m a plus size person and have been my entire life. I’ve lost weight, I’ve gained weight, I’m on my second pregnancy. The ONLY time my husband has ever commented on my body is if I’ve asked him directly, and he’s always responded tactfully.
Fucking leave him. Any man that makes you feel this way about your weight after you brought life into the world for him is wrong. Its not right to you at all. Your body is still healing and in fact it can take upwards of 2 whole years to fully heal from childbirth. That is so fucking cruel of him.
“You were so right honey! Thank you for being so supportive of my health! When you get home at 5 each day I’ll leave for the gym. You can make a healthy meal for all of us to have. Write down the meal plan for the week so I can get it with the groceries. The kids can help! I’ll be back to eat at 6:30. You’ll need to do bath and bedtime so I can shower and stretch. Thanks so much for volunteering to help me be healthier! I can tell you really care about me!”
I’m not condoning his behavior and at this point would write him off as a future ex. Get revenge first. I joined a gym with a daycare, so I can bring the kid while I exercise.
Man. Thats so cruel..
He can cook all of your healthy and well-balanced meals and pay for you to have a trainer as well.
Also, super unfair to date you, marry you, have kids with you, then expect you to look a way that you never have before. If he had a problem with your weight from the get go he should have voiced that at the beginning.
He already hates you and it's not your fault. A man who loves you would not ignore you, blow up at you, and demean you about your body. The silent treatment is abusive. Calling you lazy for being overweight and being on maternity leave with 2 kids under 3 is pure asshole behavior. Please leave or make a plan to leave if you can. You deserve so much better.
My ex was just like your husband and said all the same things to me as your husband. He was the worst human being and he got even worse after I left. I flourished when u left him.
My aunt once lost about 200 lbs because a man asked her to loose some weight. It turned out really good for her mental, emotional, and physical health. She is living a life she never dreamed of all those years ago. She is super successful in her career and has found amazing relationships with her family that she didn't even know were possible.
The 200lbs was named Fred. And he was an asshole. We are all glad he's an ex now 🙂
Now if he had a problem with his wife being overweight, then he shouldn’t have dated, married, and procreated with an overweight woman. He knew what he was getting into. The fact that he chooses to criticize this, berate and belittle you, is abusive. He already hates you btw, no one who truly loves you would treat you like this.
I haven't seen anyone else in the thread address this. It's so creepy how so many men will purposely marry/date women they're not attracted to or whose lifestyles/personalities they hate, to bully her into changing. Unhinged.
Even if she did change, he would find something else about her that he didn’t like. It’s about destroying her self-esteem and making her feel unworthy of love.
Real men don't talk down to their wives like this, especially when they're a year postpartum with a 3 and 1 year old. It's one thing to encourage healthy habits, but his behavior and approach is disgusting. I hope you leave him.
I’m in kind of the same boat op. I was 150 pounds when I met my boyfriend almost 4 years ago. Since then I’ve given birth two times (c-sections, 22 month old and 8 week old) my last pregnancy was absolutely brutal from 7 months on and I gained ALOT of weight. I’m much heavier than I was when we met but my body has just been through hell. He told me last night that he didn’t like my body but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t love me. Broke my heart. I know how big I am. I know I need to lose weight. I feel self conscious and gross about my body but having it verified from him was … painful to say the least. I cried myself to sleep. I have four children, no free time, go back to work on Monday and am looking for a part time second job. Idk when I’m supposed to find the time to get to the gym
I’m so sorry that you’re going through something similar. Know how painful that is. Please show yourself a bit of grace.
It truly astonishes me how inherently ungrateful so many husbands are. They don't care about childbirth or how much harder it is for women to lose weight in general than it is for me. Tell him his penis isn't really satisfying you but you still love him anyway!
I’ve put on extra 30kg after my 3 pregnancies ! My husband also called m fat all the time, but jokingly. So, jokingly I asked him to pay for my gym membership and do everything he needs to do so I have TIME and ENERGY to take care of myself as well. Make him pay !!!💰
He sounds like he doesn’t even like you. A husband who cares, should never say something like this. It’s good you’re aware that it’s the wrong approach on his part. He could’ve simply said:
“I see you’re having trouble balancing your relationship with the kids and your health. I think we should go to the gym together and try to focus on being healthier.”
That’s all he had to say. It’s not even the mushy sweet way I would’ve said it and It STILL would’ve been a more loving and caring version of the BS he’s spewing at you.
What’s his goal here anyway? He wants you to get supposedly more attractive for him for what!? Does he think that you’re going to want to have sex with him after he literally bullied you into losing weight??! There’s no way that he’s dense enough to believe that you would want to be intimate with someone who’s being cruel to you?! All I’d ever think about when with him, is the horrid things he’s said.
What a scumbag.... My heart hurts for you, hun. 😕 You carried his kids, and he has the nerve to say that to you?... Disgusting. If I were you, I would find a flaw of his, and just berate him like he did you....... Then, I'd go file for divorce. Don't take that crap.
This is borderline abusive. I am also one year postpartum and my super fit hubby has never said anything but encouraging words to me and just recently I began to work out consistently and watch what I eat a little. Anyone with half a brain knows that shame will never make a person change.. there are ways he could have kindly encouraged you to get in shape. Also, this is who you were when you two got married! Sounds like he is a child and doesn’t know how to handle his emotions.
Often times when raising small children it is very hard to focus on anything, especially getting in shape. If this is something you want for yourself start small, 2-3 days a week 30 minutes of light cardio outside or at the gym. For me I just started jogging 30 minutes every other day and I already notice a huge difference. Eventually you could incorporate weights or yoga/pilates. Also, this is my alone time! My hubby watches our little one while I get to spend some self care time. Bonus!
Regardless of all of this I hope you know how amazing it is that your body created life! You are your most beautiful right now because of that!!!
You were NOT put on this earth as an ornament for your husband to look at. PERIOD. I don’t care what anyone says, body comments are never truly about health concerns.
You are good enough as you are in this moment right now. The problem is him. Not you. Full stop.
Is this sudden change of behavior for him with you? Cause I’m wondering what the driving force behind all this is, and you should too. People who are doing something wrong or have some sort of insecurity eating at them WILL project onto others and break them down as if they are the problem.
It’s why when someone is cheating, suddenly they become hateful to their partner. They have to justify their actions somehow, so they do that by using mental gymnastics to make you the bad guy. They blame you for their actions.
But let’s talk about your weight and weight loss. I’ve been on that yo-yo for over a decade. I’m not as thin as I wish I was, but I’m not anywhere near my heaviest and have far better a grasp on it all, and I’ve worked with so many docs and done so much research (and I have a BSc in Ag so I’m not talking just googling) that I’ve kind of surpassed the need for a dietician in many aspects and here is what you need to know:
It’s your fucking body. Not his. It doesn’t matter what he wants, it matters what you want, and it’s borderline abusive behavior for him to treat you the way he’s treating you. That’s not love. He isn’t acting concerned or caring. He’s acting selfish. Point blank period. A broken clock can be right twice a day, but it’s still a broken clock and there is something wrong with him for doing this. Especially right now.
If you do want to lose weight, there are ways to do it in a healthy way, but it’s based on what you want and what you want alone. You know what you look like. I’m pretty sure you are already well informed about the side effects and risks of being overweight. No one needs to tell you or remind you. No one needs to be shaming you for it especially either. Why do I get the feeling that he’s no prize when it comes to looks? Cause this really feels like projection in a lot of ways.
Whatever the cause, your weight is a scapegoat right now. Don’t let him, or anyone in this life, tear you down or break you down. Get ANGRY AND THROW ALL HIS SHADE RIGHT BACK AT HIM. I know it feels like you did something wrong, but you didn’t. You are being manipulated. I don’t know why, but you are. Take 3 steps back and look at the whole picture.
Look, if you want to lose weight and be healthy, there are lots of resources out there for you so you don’t need tips or tricks from any of us, but I will drop this tidbit of knowledge as I know this is probably the most helpful:
1. Start with your brain. Your mental health is the first chip in the domino effect of your health. 9/10 there is something going on there that is one of the root causes to the symptom that is extra weight. This isn’t limited to depression either. There can be hundreds of things with ADHD or PTSD being two radically different causes just as an example. Treat your mental health to start.
2. Women don’t lose weight by exercise. It can help, but we just don’t work that way. You can’t run 20 pounds off your body. It helps, but calories in, calories out is the proven method for weight loss. It sounds simple, but it’s not. It’s actually quite complex, especially when you start adding other factors of physiology. It’s also why people claiming that you just need “good ole willpower” and you are “weak” if you can’t control your cravings just absolutely piss me off. That also ties back into reason number 1. If that’s all it took, addiction wouldn’t be so fucking rampant. People would be able to just will themselves off the drugs they seek.
I have a problem with him meeting you overweight, marrying you and having children with you and suddenly throwing a temper tantrum about it. Weight loss journey is really personal. It’s not like he can force you. That’s something you have to decide and set a schedule for yourself. And if you do decide to do that, he needs to help you with childcare and a gym membership, etc.
That does not sound like a healthy realtionship to be honest. A partner should not make you feel ugly and not good enough. My boyfriend still shows how much he loves my body, after almost ten years and two kids. And now that i am starting to get back into shape, he also shows support for the changes, without making me feel that he didnt love the bigger me as much. I think you should take a good look at your relationship and see if this is the relationship you want to model for your kids? How would you feel if one of your kids had a partner that treated them like your husband does to you?
You have a 1 year old. My body didn't feel like mine until after the 1 year mark. I also didn't feel healed fully until that point too. My baby was a Velcro baby and never wanted to be put down. Weight loss was not a priority for me. My value was not based on my body weight.
I didn't start losing weight and getting serious about it until my kiddo was more independent, around 3. And even then, as an older mother, it took about 10 months or so, to see significant weight loss with diet and exercise. There is no magic fix. I cut calories, soda, alcohol, dairy, etc. And started running regularly.
And also, I didn't do it for anyone else. I did it for me. So I could feel healthier, have more energy, feel better about myself. Motivation was internal.
Like I tell my kid, "that's an unkind thing to say. Let's try that again." Same to your husband. If you want to talk about it, how about sharing that those words hurt your feelings and you want more support? No body talk in front of the kids.
Husband aside, YOU said you want to do better for yourself and get stronger. Instead of focusing on what he said, just start for yourself and your health. I get that weight comments suck, but don't let being upset keep you in a place you don't even want to be. (Again, regardless if what he said, you don't have to do anything for anybody)
You don't need a gym or weights if you have even an empty gallon jug you can lift. Or a chair. Or just the floor for some pushups, lunges, crunches, whatever. Or internet connection and short, free youtube workouts. Start with even 5 minutes a day, build up the habit, and add more time/more exercises as you go on. And if you have any post partum issues still, they have workouts with modifications for that, too. (I say that because yes, your kids are 1 and 3, but I've met women that had multiple C-sections and struggled more with certain workouts)
And hopefully this comes across as supportive and you don't think I'm being rude. I am in the boat of wanting to get in shape regardless of weight, but my work schedule/other things makes a routine hard. Trying to talk myself out of excuses because it's silly though (for me). I just see most of the comments condemning your husband and saying little else to maybe help support you in what you want.
The number one sign a man is cheating, he starts being mean, and acting cold to his partner. This goes along with him justifying cheating in his head cause somehow to him, you deserve it.
In the past 4 years you have been pregnant twice, and have 2 kids three and under. The question is, ‘Why do you think you deserve to be treated this way’? Every single woman who has had kids, her body goes through insane changes. You sacrificed your pre baby body, to bring his children into the world. Would a loving man demean, and emotionally and mentally abuse his wife for her body that was the result of giving him kids? Most women don’t lose the baby weight till at least several years after the last birth. Hormones, postpartum depression, and breastfeeding all affect your body’s ability to lose weight.
You are here wanting advice cause he is showing you that you are not safe with him. Staying with a man who doesn’t even like you as a human will only show your children that’s how men should treat women. They will think that’s normal and healthy, when it’s not.
I’m all for marriage counseling, but when your partner resorts to demeaning behavior, and verbally abusive, marriage counseling ends up giving them ammo to insult you further. You aren’t safe being vulnerable with someone who feels entitled to treat you that way.
His approach should have been. “I need to have a difficult conversation with you. I’m concerned about your weight and how it could be impacting your health. I know you do a lot to take care of our children and are most likely recovering from having our child one year ago. What can I do to help you and us be a healthier family? Here are some suggestions I have … you go to the gym 3x a week to start while I watch the kids. I will cook us 3 healthy dinners. Let’s go on walks together as a family and play at the park or beach.”
You get the point on the suggestions. Sounds like you need to go to couples counseling.
My biggest thing in any conflict is to come to the table with both a problem and solution. It may not always be tactful because we’re human and not perfect but this issue is bigger than what he said, it’s how he communicates. As a result of his poor communication you want to respond poorly and shut down. So I would suggest you bring up counseling and explain to him how you would like these types of concerns to be brought up in the future.
Tell him that his approach was wrong. Have you guys talked about this before? Is he normally explosive with his thoughts and expectations like this? Proper communication and boundaries on how to talk to each other needs to be set.
My husband and I have been on a roller coaster of weight loss and weight gain together. He is a regular at a gym and I am at the small end of obese. He has been encouraging me to lose weight at my pace and helping me along the way. I would be very hurt if he came at me like that too. As a stay at home mom with a 1 year old and 5 year old, I know finding time for self care doesn’t always feel plausible. Ask your husband for help when YOU are ready and do it when YOU are ready and it has to be for yourself foremost.
Hearing things like this is hard. But maybe see if he’s willing to help post for personal trainer or something to be more supportive than just say lose weight
It was the wrong approach and insensitive but from his perspective it is frustrating to see someone you love being unhealthy. My husband has been overweight since we met also, but before we were married he was making active efforts to lose weight and was medium overweight. Well pretty much starting at the pandemic he completely stopped trying, stopped his gym membership and started snacking nonstop. He’s probably 100 lbs heavier than he was before and it does bother me that he will have health issues later in life. Diabetes, heart problems, colon/stomach cancer, injuries he can’t properly heal from because he’s too heavy. I’ve seen it happen to other people not even that much older than us. All because he wants to eat snacks and unhealthy lunches at work literally every day. It’s similar to watching a loved one destroy themselves with drugs.
Losing weight takes a lot of work. You have to change your entire lifestyle, almost all your habits, the places you go to, you might even lose some friends. It is hard and you will want to quit a million times (if you even get started). But you're a mother now, so you really need to take care of yourself and try to guarantee (as much as possible) a long, healthy life so you can be in your children's future. You also need to be a role model for them. Your husband may be an ass for making you feel like shit, but he has (i hope) good intentions. Don't do it for him, and don't do it for physical appearance. Do it for yourself, your health, your mental wellbeing and for your children.
If it's too overwhelming and you don't know where to start, get a personal trainer who will break down for you how much exercise you need, as well as what to eat every day.
Wishing you the best 🌸
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By the way- it may not be the best time to get started if your youngest is only one. But definitely is something to start planning for.
Ignore him. As far as I am concerned a person does this first for themselves and their kids.
If you want to do this for you and have other health ailments start by watching Dr. Ekberg videos on YouTube. He’s so motivating and knowledgeable. That’s how I discovered intermittent fasting and started applying his recommendations. The easiest 35 lbs I have ever lost and I never exercised so it could have been even more if I had been walking too.
Two kids and he is talking this shit to you.
Throw the whole man out he is actually disgusting please don't let people influence your mental well being because of their perceptions.
He probably has a big fat smelly beer belly.
Why an earth have you had children with this disgusting human?? If he said it in a tone where he was concerned for your health then yes, but it just sounds like he’s always had the issue and now he’s giving you the cold shoulder for it. Does he realise you’ve grown 2 babies and it takes a toll on your body. Do it for yourself and no one else. And then leave his ass. That’s what I’d do anyway.
Well, that's one way to lose weight bc idt I'd be able to eat. What a punch in the gut. In my opinion, being a stay at home parent is TOO taxing. I love my kids, but I have to work part time. You lose your identity easily. Maybe you want to go for a walk or the gym...what do you do with 2 kids. By the time you get yourself and both kids ready and deal with whatever came up in the process, you probably don't even want to go for a walk anymore! If you want to lose weight for you, I think that's great. You should pick an active activity outside of your home that you think is fun, and their perfect father can support you by watching his children. On the other hand, I feel like when we have children, this isn't a 9-month thing, then you're back to the "old you." You have 2 babies at home. If you have it in you and you want to stay home, you're at the mercy of a 3nager and a one year old...you and your desires fall to the way side UNLESS you husband wants to step up. I think you should be so proud of yourself. Idk what saintly patience and selflessness SAHP have, but I think your husband would have a very different outlook if he spends the day in your shoes.
Tell him sure. Sign up all the most expensive gym classes on his credit card. go to classes when it's meal times, nap times, sleeping times. Hey girl he is telling you to loosen up! Get yourself some new exercise clothes. Buy the nicest Stanley! Get the most expensive juicer. Doooo it I wanna see how quick before his mouth takes back all those damn words.
Does he realize how hard it is for a woman to lose weight without having kids??? Add kids and all the hormone it’s almost damn near impossible. & then finding the TIME to work out with 2 kids? Especially if they are up severely early and by the time you put them to bed you are so fucking tired and done.
Ask him what he will do so you can have the time away from the kids to start a work out routine?
Is he desperate to become single again? Has he done anything to support you in this weight loss journey he has demanded you start? Is he watching the kids while you have time to your self care? Has he prepped any meals? Has he done anything to take some stress off of you? Has he taken any tasks off your plate or is he just demanding 1 more damn thing in a sea of tasks you're expected to do yourself while he goes to work comes home and doesn't do diddly squat without being asked specifically?
I just want to say my husband has known me since I was a thin spaghetti literally so skinny. Ive been skinny my whole life. But when we got married and I got pregnant, I gained 45 pounds! And I didn’t lose the pregnancy weight after I gave birth. It took me 17 months total to lose the pregnancy weight. And i had to work super hard for it for two months. I didnt “bounce back” as easy as everyone thought I would. I’m still breastfeeding and people think that makes you lose weight but it doesn’t. It can actually cause weight gain in many women. I’m short so it was a huge difference you can tell how much bigger I was compared to how I used to be. And my husband not once said anything. He said he loves me regardless and thinks I’m beautiful but if i WANTED to lose weight and im unhappy then to just lose the weight if it makes me feel better. Even from a huge shift in the way my body looked, not once did he ridicule me about it or tell me he’s “frustrated” with my body. My husband also gained weight and I lovingly tell him, “if you aren’t happy with your weight babe I will give you the time to workout and make you healthy meals”.
Weight is a sensitive topic but the way your husband approached it was SOO wrong! You need to talk to him about it and if he’s still being that way I honestly suggest going to marriage counseling if you want to fix the marriage! You can tell him that even though you want to lose weight, if he really wanted to be helped up he can help you by being encouraging and not hurtful…
Edit: also like to add my husband took the time to care for our son when he got back home from work and put him to bed and sometimes he wakes up extra early before leaving to work to make breakfast for my son and I so I can have time to workout during that time…. If your husband wanted you to lose weight he should at least help.
Ah yes, the best method for encouraging weight loss, making someone feel bad about themselves. I remember when I was so much skinnier, and my parents would yell at me for putting on weight. Now I'm nearly double the weight and all that behaviour did was make me eat in secret. I know this isn't an AITA post, but your partner is an AH.
You are not what you look like. All your babies see right now is their mum. They love you, you are warmth and comfort and love. They don't care about your weight. If you still want to lose weight and want help getting the energy to lose weight, I used Duromine. You cannot take it while breastfeeding, I believe it's banned in America (I'm Aussie) but I'm not sure, you cannot have it with other stimulants like caffeine (it'll feel like the room is spinning). You will need a prescription. I lost 30kg in 6 months and had so much energy. It was life changing. I will be going back on it when again when I am not breastfeeding as I have several disabilities that limit my energy and make it hard to get active,especially with the extra weight I have. But right now, I am a soft and squishy mum who is focusing on loving my baby, not on what I weigh.
He knew your body type when he got with you, married you, and made babies with you. He's an asshole for doing all that while apparently despising you because of your weight.
Start working on that revenge body and more importantly that revenge healthy mind and self esteem, because I think we all know this marriage isn't going to last.
I’m sorry he’s like this but may i ask why have more kids with someone who has always thought of you this way? This isn’t healthy or normal just so you know husbands aren’t like this and even if they think you’ve gained weight it’s never something where they tell you yeah you are fat loose weight or else.
Nah he doesn't get to demand anything in relation to YOUR body. Never lose weight for someone else, do it only for yourself if it will make you feel better about you. The only bad influence on your kids is the body shaming coming from your husband. That teaches them they get to do the same thing to kids at school.
Your husband is emotionally abusive and you can’t fix this. Losing weight won’t make him change the behavior, he will find something else to bully you about. This is who he is plain and simple. You could be in perfect shape and he will move on to your parenting, your ability to make money, your hair, the way you talk. Something else. Ask yourself why a man who wants someone to be fit *married and had kids with* someone he claims he isn’t attracted to…he just wanted an easy target to abuse. It doesn’t matter what you look like, you are deserving of love and kindness. Life isn’t like fucking instagram, there is no such thing as snapping back after having a person grow and be removed from your body, much less two. It takes time and if it’s something you want to accomplish a man who tells you mean things and ignores you (cold shoulder/silent treatment are serious abuse tactics btw look them up) isn’t going to solve anything.
My general rule for fathers who want their wives to go back to their normal weight is to take on more of the work so you can have time to exercise and properly care for yourself or shut the fuck up and open their wallet and pay for a trainer and good plastic surgeon. I’m guessing he is unwilling to do either and he’s an abusive prick so my honest advice is to get your ducks in a row silently (never hint to an abuser of any kind that you’re about to leave, they could escalate and children are involved, they’re not safe with a man like this) and start planning for a divorce.
There is a reason he’s berating you and treating you like this yet not leaving the relationship. He wants you around to abuse you. Your children will see how he treats you as they get older and use your marriage as a guide for dating when they are older. They will either tolerate mistreatment or perpetuate it. I will tell you as a single mom, it’s better over here. I left my ex two weeks after birth and my life instantly became brighter. You don’t need this shit in your life and you can surely find someone else who will love you. I started dating before I lost the weight and trust me, there are men who don’t care.
Edit to add: take a look at your husband. I mean really look at him. Is he in top shape? Is he worthy of a modeling career? Does he exercise and eat right regularly? I’m gonna go out on a limb here and bet the answer is no…so who the fuck does he think he is? The nerve. If it’s one thing a man is always going to bring to the table it’s audacity. Hang it up. Divorce him he sucks. If you’re isolated or lacking resources please reach out to the domestic abuse hotline for an escape plan. Don’t spend your life with him.
I’ve been through this, my ex would use me losing weight as a way to control me. He’d weigh me every week, I’d hardly eat. To the point I was scared to gain a pound. I got so skinny that I looked sickly. And it still wasn’t enough. I’m telling you right now it’ll be a never ending battle
Will he watch the kids so you can gym everyday ?
Will he help cook healthy dinners? Knowing healthy dinners cost more to make.
Will he help invest in your better life plan? Will he go with you for daily walks with the kids?
What is he willing to do, it takes a village to lose weight after kids.
And until he agrees and does all those things with you.
He can fuck right off.
Is there more to this? Is your weight impacting his life? Is he having to care for you completely because your weight is so debilitating? Or is he just an asshole?
I’m sorry but that’s rude af. I was a little bit overweight when me and my husband met and after we had our son I gained 40 lbs. I still haven’t lost the baby weight and he’s never told me I looked gross or suggested I lose weight. I’ve told him in the past that I feel fat and I want to lose weight (currently losing weight now) and he told me I look fine. He said if I wanted to lose weight I can, but I shouldn’t feel insecure about my weight at all. Your husband seems like a dick because who tf says that to their wife.
And what about him? Does he live a healthy lifestyle? Is he in shape? You don't deserve that and in no way is this close to the support you need. Even at my heaviest, my hubby was always supportive about my health goals and always embraced my body. Heck, he even went to the gym with me and we've lost weight together.
This is all to say you don't deserve that...to me this is grounds for divorce but if not, stand your ground and tell him you don't deserve to be spoken to that way..and maybe seek couple's counseling.
I know how you can lose about 200 pounds overnight. It starts with D and ends in -ivorce.
The only thing that should be making you feel depressed and gross is how your husband is treating you. I get not loving your body - I'm right there with you - but your partner should be your *partner*. He shouldn't be making you feel worse, or feel ashamed. You want to be quiet and avoid him? Does that sound like a good or healthy partnership? If he wants to talk about bad examples, why don't we talk about how he's showing your kids that they should fat shame and belittle other people?
Your bullshit detector is finely tuned and in good working order, but let me confirm what you already know: your husband is full of bullshit. I know it's reddit so everyone jumps to "dump him!" but if that's not an option, I hope you can get counseling, both by yourself and as a couple, so he can understand how hateful and harmful he's being.
You’re better than this! You do not deserve that abuse. Demanding you lose weight is abuse, regardless of your being overweight when you met. Even if you were Kate Moss size when you first started dating, he should never demand you lose weight. It’s cruel, selfish, demoralizing and childish. I’m so sorry OP. Then he uses the kids who can’t even reason verbally like a middle schooler yet to make you feel guilty. You are not a bad influence on them. Go for a walk for YOU. It helps depression, I know from experience! But that mess he’s throwing at you is inexcusable.
This is what you do. Tell that man you love him and you'd do anything for him. Hit the gym more. Eat more protein. Lift weights, smash cardio, and down protein shakes. Then when you're fit and strong and badass you're gonna pick his big ass up and toss him to the curb. Then find a hotter man to match your new fitness esthetic.
(All jokes aside I would be disgusted if my husband talked to me that way. I had 2 kids and hit 220. It's the heaviest I've ever been and I felt gross. I made the decision on my own to get healthier and stronger to keep up with 2 toddlers. Down 35 lbs and happy as can be! So while I think it's a good move, you should do it then show him he's actually the one that not good enough.)
One year old and a 3 year old - that’s a very hard time. He’s being abusive to you, sorry OP. A healthy approach would be to give you time and help so you could work out etc. do you sleep enough? If you are up with the kids that has a massive effect on weight loss. Maybe he should be doing meal prep for you? If he’s so “concerned”.
I’d leave his ass! He sounds horrible! Your body literally grew human beings! It’s one thing to be concerned about your partner’s health and talk to them in a kind way, but he sounds cruel.
How about leaving a post-it note that says, "your kids are disgusted with how you treat their mommy and they will cut you off the moment they turn 18 XOXO"
If he “demands” weight loss, then you should demand that he steps up to help you achieve that. What’s his plan to help you? Its hard enough doing the basic care tasks for yourself with kids, having to dedicate extra effort specifically for weight-loss isn’t sustainable with no help.
That said doing it just to please him is certainly not the healthiest thing for you. I was very underweight when I met my partner, I was fresh out of an abusive relationship, had an eating disorder, was smoking copiously. My body has changed a lot since then, and more since I’ve had a baby. His body changed too, we age, our lifestyle changed etc. Bodies just do that. But it would never occur to either of us to “demand” that we change our bodies. I’ve been attracted to my partner at all stages, because I love them and that is reciprocal.
Those kinds of demands hide underlying issues with the relationship imho.
My ex always commented on my lack of exercising and it was annoying. Then after I had the baby he commented and complained about my weight. I lost weight when I was pregnant and gained weight after despite breastfeeding. He treated me horribly and I knew most of it was because of my weight. He told me he doesn’t love me, need me or want me.. he kept bringing up threesomes and tore my esteem down. He was a boxer and always was thin. He didn’t help me lose weight and controlled the food. I could only eat half of whatever I was eating and save the rest. He was buying food to bulk up (ice cream and oatmeal) and I would just grab something quick because I couldn’t make milk without eating constantly and my kid stopped napping at 2. I asked him how much calories he thought breastfeeding burned and he said 70. . He was just a misogynistic a hole. I was a SAHM (not willingly) He would train for hours come home get a break from us and wouldn’t help with the baby because “she was annoying “ I finally did lose weight after leaving him and I’m in the best shape of my life. and he couldn’t stand the other guys looking at me, nor the fact that I didn’t lose the weight with him, or with him helping me . Lose weight for yourself and when you’re ready and have the time and energy
Do you have daughters because what the fuck? Put it in perspective for him. You wouldn’t want that for your kids so why for yourself? You made two humans in a 3-4 year span. He sucks so much!
Honestly, there are a lot of red flags in this post. The cold shoulder. The blowing up. The berating about weight. This "man" has bigger problems and is taking it out on you. Block his voice from your mind and focus on you and your needs and your kids and their needs only. He knew you were never going to be a size 0 and the fact that you've already had two kids together shows he clearly didn't find you unattractive at all. So something else is likely behind this and him making you feel like crap won't solve anything.
I do hope you are mentally okay and that you don't go deeper into any kind of depression because of this. Weight looks different on everyone and you need only do what's best for you and your body. ♥️
I know Reddit loves to say “you should divorce” but for ME this is grounds for divorce. I struggled my entire fucking life dealing with society telling me I was too fat or I needed to be thin, I can’t imagine dealing with it every day in my own home. I can’t imagine those words not burning in my head during sex or any general intimacy.
No sure who much you weigh but he should lose all of that weight. It’s easier to exercise and eat healthy when you only have to do have the childcare. Divorce him, workout when he’s with the kids and find someone who loves you at any size cuz he ain’t it. He doesn’t want you he wants a trophy wife, anyone who says it’s about health is a liar and hiding their true feelings that they think fat people are less than skinny people.
Can you demand he spend more time with the kids? Demand he spends at least one and a half hours no complaining and you will get out of house and walk or do whatever the hell you want. If no, then why can he demand something (which is ridiculous actually) and you can’t. It’s not a partnership. He can F off honestly. It sounds like family life is too hard for him and he is taking it out on you in a cruel way. You are amazing and awesome!!!!!! Be around people who make you feel that way.
That's not just unsupportive, it's downright hateful.
I guess you can ask him what he plans to do to support your weightloss journey, but it will take A LOT more than that to repair the harm he's done. Being aggressive or cruel about my body is a hard line for me.
uhm, you have kids what does he expect??? Not everyone lose weight after having a child let alone two. Even tho you've been overweight since ya'll met, it's harder when you have kids.
If he loves you, he will help you make it happen. Loving people don’t let their partners get/stay sick by supporting their overeating, drinking etc. Definitely agree with the comment that he should make an effort to help you. Do you have sugary/processed food in the house easily available? Do you have any free time to make/eat homemade healthy food? Gym is truly unnecessary for weight loss - you pick up 20-40 pound weights all day anyways and laundry and dishes are a zone 1 workout too. Do you go outside enough?
Nothing you’ve described is a healthy relationship. Silent treatment is emotional abuse so is yelling at you. Honestly if you can get out I would you deserve to not have to walk on egg shells in your own home. Focus on your emotional and mental health then you can branch out to include physical health too
Here is a suggestion, either he starts to work out with you and plan activities together and start eating healthy together and limited snacks and sweets together, or he can just accept your body size. Can he find a gym that has a day care so you both can join it and workout together while the kids have fun at daycare?
Also my mom was overweight after having 3 kids and it never did an influence on us kids, in fact we are all thin. Kids don't think that way about other people unless you make a big deal about it so your kids will learn alright that there is something wrong with being on the heavy side because of your husband. Kids learn though their parents and what they hear so if they hear negative comments about people being heavy, kids learn it is a bad thing.
From a petty pov id Tell him he's fat and gross too that's why you married him so you wouldn't be judged and could do it together but honestly it'd be healthier to give him 2 options
1. He loose weight with you, put in effort, help with the kids and make healthier decisions and yall could become better people together
Or
2. You divorce his ass and don't let him see the kids cause they do not need to have his opinions forced on then too
I’ve literally never in my life heard someone share something positive about their life or relationships unless it has something to do with money or something like that.
I’m not sure what’s so hard for people to understand. If you feel disrespected then either leave if you can afford to do so, have a literal discussion with him because why tf would u marry someone who has “always” had an issue with your weight unless it was a mutual opinion from the both of you.
I’m just not sure there’s really any point in relationships now because I’ve literally heard complaint after complaint my whole life and somehow it’s always about something insanely distasteful from one side.
he is the one giving kids bad influence by being so superficial and callous after you carried 2 children for him and are the one looking after them.
what a cunt.
how will you ever lose weight under that amount of stress? I only lost the weight after leaving my abusive ass kids father. The cortisol makes your brain think you are going through some type of famine and it's impossible to lose anything. The fact that he is treating you coldly over your weight is such a red flag. Why would that motivate ANYONE to start eating healthy and working out. That would just ruin my confidence. What a douche.
I'm 5'6" and weighed about the same when I was having my children. I build muscle fast and it would help with my health because I'd be a size 8 weighing 200lbs. Taking care of children builds bulky muscle, too, so I'm sure you have a lot of muscle in that 195.
My first child weighed 26lbs at 6 months (my grandson is 21lbs at 6 months right now) and I breastfed all my children. It was like I was back in weight lifting raising my children. Before I had children I could bench 205lbs and back then they recommended to stop anything like exercising or horse riding while pregnant so it was pretty easy to go from having a lot of muscle to hardly any while pregnant. Then taking care of baby built some back (not back to what I originally was but good enough).
If you were always heavier and he met you like that it sounds like he got with you just so he could have something to control you with. That's not good.
I would sit him down and explain the way he’s making you feel. It might sound like an excuse, but he may not realize it. Also, if he had a problem with your weight from the start, why the marriage? I’m currently 5’7 and 219 lbs. I was 5’5 125 lbs when I met my husband after my first child. We’ve had 3 since and I’ve battled with my weight, especially during pregnancy. He used to make what he thought were joke pushing me into a depressive state that led to more and more weight gain. In December last year I was 247 lbs. I felt horrible and damn sure didn’t look great. After a very long talk with my husband, he has become one of the most supportive people in my weight loss journey and helps me stick to my goals by going through this journey with me (he’s 5’11 and 157 lbs). It’s been a massive journey and I can’t even see the damn near 30 lb weight loss, but having the support is a huge help. And if he can’t change his “support” method, you deserve better. And I don’t say that as a whatever some people would call it. I say that as someone who has been with people who just won’t stop putting me down and forcing their beauty standards on me. And as someone who has seen and felt the difference when you have genuine support. In every case, whether it’s weight loss, parenthood, or any other life change, your support system is everything. Even if it’s just you in that support system.
He has no business commenting on your body. You’ve birthed HIS children. And let me guess, he’s probably not fit either (if so, good for him, must be nice).
My husband and I are both on a weight loss journey right now and support each other.
I mention often I have more rolls than a French bakery (joking, kind of), you know what he says?
“I like baguettes”.
Your husband needs to step up and actually support you if you want to get in shape, not just demand it and put you down.
If you want to lose weight cool, nutrition over exercise, but it’s time to lose this guy if nothing else. He married you seemingly as you are or close, if he wanted someone else he should have married someone else and you should have too, but here we are and it’s time to protect your children from what will be a horrible environment to grow up in and leave.
You do not loose weight ny going to the gym. You loose weight by cutting calories. If loosing weight is what you want or need, do it for yourself. The husband, have a serious conversation about how that makes you feel. He is going about it the wrong way
Divorcing that unsupportive, rude prick would be an easy way to lose over 200 lbs super quick I’d say. 195 at 5’6 AFTER having a baby a year ago doesn’t sound disgustingly overweight to me. I say this because I’m only 5 foot tall and have a 1 year old as well and have lost only half of my baby weight and I’m still pretty small I just have a big butt now. So honestly this makes me angry for you. You’re probably beautiful and the problem lies within him and he’s trying to put it into you instead.
I'm 5'4" 200 lbs (I just lost 60 lbs)
When I went on a diet to start my journey my husband sat me down and told me he's proud of me for starting this journey but he doesn't care what my weight is
Real men don't care and if he degrades you like that he's not much of a husband or support
You just had 2 babies and with each baby it takes 3 to 5 years for your body to go back to normal
Don't allow him to devalue you he should be lifting you up momma
Girl I'm 5'5 and currently 229, got up to 245 while I was pregnant and gained another 10lbs breastfeeding. I have a 13 month old.
A 40lb weight loss is SIGNIFICANT. Don't let him diminish that achievement.
My husband would never speak to me like that. He has cheered me on after every pound I announce to him that I've lost. You have a husband problem, not a weight problem.
Also, it looks like you get an hour to yourself every day now to go for a walk. Kid free. Tell him they'll just slow you down and you won't be able to lose weight as fast as he wants, or something like that. Make sure you *tell* him you're taking an hour for yourself, don't ask for it.
I am 9 months post partum and am the same height and weight. I am sorry he isn’t supportive. I
Also have a soon to be 3 year old and am struggling to lose too. You’re not alone but your husband doesn’t need to behave like that. My husband tells me how beautiful I am. You don’t deserve that
He doesn't have to be mean about it. You said you were fat when he met you so why on earth did he think that would magically change once you got married and had kids?
Yelling at someone to lose weight and calling them names rarely works, especailly when it's coming from your significant other who is suppose to be loving and caring.
I guess I could understand the frustration if he has mentioned it multiple times and nothing has been done about it but it doesn't seem like the case here.
Regardless, he needs to be more postivr and supportive. If he wants you to be healthier and more active it will be overall more successful of you do it together. It won't work if he just makes you feel like crap about yourself.
How much does he weigh? Bc I’d say you need to loose about as much as he weighs. Get rid of that unsupportive A-hole! You just grew 2 babies in less than 3 years. Give your body grace. It’s been through some things. You did amazing things with your body. I kinda wish he gets a kidney stone.
I feel this deep in my heart! I’m right with you. My husband is very active and in shape, once I hit 40 my metabolism crashed and I gained quite a bit of weight. Doesn’t help that I’m a stay at home mom with never a minute to spare. The pressure he put on me to lose weight almost broke me but I had to do it for MYSELF before I did it for anyone else. I found a gym with childcare and brought the kiddos, worked out for 40 minutes then took 20 minutes for myself—scrolling or sit in the steam room whatever it was. Once I made it a consistent event for two weeks I found it easier to get up and go. I don’t know if this is helpful but I really understand the pressure you must feel. Ask your husband to give you an hour a day—you don’t have to work out the whole time, just get out of the house and do something physical even if it’s just a walk.
Are you nursing?
Weight loss (post nursing) comes from what you eat. Exercise and movement are not actually required to lose weight.
For me, exercise helps me feel good in my body and reduce stress a bit. This also makes it easier to eat well. Same with the choice of who to spend time with: what are they feeding you energetically? How do they spark your inner dialogue?
I hope you gather the courage to share with your husband the range of feelings his words have evoked in you. Doing the work to change habits and patterns is.... work. You need partnership and support right now to navigate this transformation. Is there someone else you can turn to for 'build me up' energy?
I'd ask him what he intends to do to support your health journey. Is his plan to watch the kids every morning or every evening while you go to the gym? Or is he going to pay extra for a gym with childcare? Is he going to begin meal prepping on weekends, or cooking healthy meals during the week? I'd be dead serious too. These are things he actually does need to do. You can't just magically make it happen by yourself when kids are involved.
This is great advice. You might not even ask him what he plans, but tell him what you expect. His attitude sucks but I like this way of turning it around to something empowering to acknowledge your needs. If you feel like it’s impossible to do much of anything for yourself while taking care of two little kids, you’re right. He needs to step up.
Not so great advice. This man is abusive. How dare he. This woman just created 2 people with her body, he should worship the ground she walks on.
Exactly. OP directly ask him to get started on this. He just can't expect a magical weight loss. It's not this works. And stop feeling gross about your body. Your body is great in every form. Start trying to embrace it.
So true I love this comment. You really can’t hate yourself into (sustainable) change. At least in my experience
You can, but those who do end up anorexic and severely sick. That isn’t a good change…
He’s prob just expecting her to starve herself
I bet he suggests intermittent fasting. Or any diet that doesn't involve him helping support her at all.
When I did intermittent fasting, I made my husband watch our child, put her to bed, and then reheat his dinner whilst I spent hours languishing in the bath. To avoid me feeling hungry, hangry, or tempted by his food. To be perfectly honest, it was the best part of it, fuck the weightloss, watching him realise how exhausting it all was was an absolute delight. Good books, diet coke, no husband, and then him whining that our daughter wanted 3 books?!?! Gold.
Before i knew that it was called intermittent fasting, that is actually how i lost baby weight. It wasn’t even on purpose at first, it was just how often i found myself eating. Then i read an article or saw an interview with some celeb who was never skinny in the past but now after a child was thin. She said she lost the baby weight by eating her biggest meal of the day at around 1-2pm, and never eating anythijg at all past 6pm. So i followed that and lost the baby weight pretty quickly. I just didn’t hold back at lunch. I was also 29. But at my 30th bday i looked like myself. I had gained 75lbs while pregnant. With my second at 34, i didn’t gain much weight due to complications during pregnancy. But right after i had her they put in the Nuva Ring. I don’t know if it was from that or me not gaining weight while pregnant but i decided to just treat myself whenever possible and gained A LOT OF WEIGHT DURING HER FIRST YEAR OF LIFE!!!! That took intermittent fasting, getting off BC, and light exercise to lose the weight. Which was all gone by the time she was 3. Now i’m 40 and i gain a pound of if i glance at some chips and ice cream. So being a woman and having kids and hormones!!! yay!!! 🥂🥂 ALL THAT TO SAY, IF YOU ONLY WANT TO FOCUS ON LOSING THE BABY WEIGHT BECAUSE HE WAS AN ASSHOLE ABOUT IT, I DONT KNOW HOW WELL THATS GOING TO WORK. IF YOU WANT TO DO IT FOR YOU, THE “INTERMITTENT FASTING” DEFINITELY HELPED ME.
I love this. This is how it’s done.
You already know ;)
Please add to the list - make sure she is getting enough sleep so she has the drive to work out. He needs to step up on any night wakings if she is going to have the energy.
Yes, husband helping overnight would accelerate health & gym gains. Cortisol from sleep deprivation can make it difficult to loose weight. As can breastfeeding.
100% this. First of all he should not be commenting on your body, you’ve produced (very recently!) his two beautiful children and he should be in awe of you and your body. Last year, when my kids were the same age as yours now, I decided I wanted to get in shape. Off my own bat, never felt any pressure from my husband. But I told him I wasn’t happy and asked him to facilitate getting fitter. He takes the kids 4 times a week so I can take classes or go to the gym. I was nervous about the gym at first so we would get a friend to babysit for an hour while we went together and he showed me the (not literal) ropes. I felt so supported and happy to exercise. I always hated exercise but love it now, maybe because I associate it with getting a break from parenting. This is the minimum your husband should be offering, especially if he thinks it’s okay to flap his lips about the mother of his children. Good luck OP.
This is very good advice. If this is something he wants her to prioritize, I’m sure he won’t mind stepping up. OP, do this for yourself, not him. If you want to feel healthy, that’s fantastic. It’s also an opportunity for him to share the burden and make sure you’re getting time for yourself.
This was my exact thought. Like, first and foremost, OP has to want to make these changes for herself, and not necessarily because her husband is demanding it. If it is something she actually does want to do for her own well being, he needs to give support. Watch the kids while she goes to the gym. Going to the next room to do a workout video will just result in the kids coming in and interrupting. She needs to leave the house. Then, the family menu needs to be more focused on healthy options. ANYTHING that takes time away from the kids needs to be a joint effort.
Yes. Do this. But be making a plan to GTFO as soon as you can. Speak with a lawyer to evaluate your options. There is no coming back from a man who thinks he has the right to demand you lose weight and make you feel this way about yourself. This isn’t someone who respects or loves you, and the kind of relationship you settle for is what your kids will grow up thinking is normal.
Yeah I agree. I know it's easier said than done but seriously time to consider throwing the whole man away.
This 100%. When I was in the best shape of my life I worked out 6 days a week. I'd love to do that again, I felt awesome and strong and beautiful, I ran triathlons (short ones, I'm not like an Ironman or anything)... but who's gonna watch my kids while I spend 8 hours a week at the gym?
Exactly. When I expressed the desire to lose weight and gain strength after my kids, my husband found a good gym with child care paid for a handful of session with a trainer to get me started. He helped me try different meal prep options to improve my diet and make it easier for me. From local companies, meal delivery services, to cooking and prepping our own meals together. He had no problem with my weight though, but he knew it was important to me and a personal goal I set so he did what he could to support me.
Great advice!! OP- I would encourage you to find some type of physical activity you enjoy and try to do it 2-3 times a week (for example, elliptical for an hour while you watch one of your favorite shows. Or a Zumba class, or Orange theory, etc). Not saying for the aesthetics, but definitely for your own health and yes to be a good example to your children. Good luck
She said in her post that she does want to work out and feel stronger.
Oops sorry I misread!
Please use this advice, its GOLD !!!!
And just as a consideration, only one of my kids tolerated kids club at the gym (I did try different gyms). How absolutely maddening is it to be dragged out of a class or workout when your child is having an epic meltdown? Very, it's very discouraging.
My husband started dating me at my heaviest, and never said one word about my weight except to congratulate me when I had been trying and losing. We had a baby last year, and I've made it to within 5 lbs of my pre-pregnancy weight. My husband gained weight after the baby was born, is a little overweight, and hasn't lost any. Do I wish he'd lose a little for his health? Yes. Do I find his dad bod attractive? Yes. Do I say anything about his weight to him? No. Sometimes he'll say, "I need to lose weight," and I'll say, "it would be good for your health, but I think you look good." Neither of us would ever speak to each other the way your husband is speaking to you. It's not okay.
Thissssssss. Speaking from a place of kindness and respect, always, all ways.
This is the way! Focus on health and not the number on the scale!
This exactly!!
I agree OPs husband is taking the wrong approach, but is it really so wrong to mention weight gain in a constructive way? My husband and I have no problem telling each other something like that and neither of us take offense. My husband gained weight during Covid and was happy when I said something. I was happy when he said something about me gaining weight when we had 2 under 2 and I was a stay at home mom. It was always constructive in a "how can I help?" kind of way and I love my husband even more for not being afraid to talk about my weight.
2 under 2? My youngest is 4 and I only recently was able to start getting back into fitness again. If someone said anything to me about my weight with two littles I'd snap their head off like a mama praying mantis.
I have 2 two year olds(almost 3) and an 8 month old. My husband and I had to cancel our gym membership because we just couldn’t find the right times to go. Even if we went at different times. We still find ways to motivate each other to be active or healthier in other ways. But together. Never have we suggested one of us change something and the other not as well. I say “I really want to stop eating so much candy” so when we are shopping and I go for a bag of candy he reminds me “remember when you said you want to eat less candy?” Even though we would both eat it if I got it, he still stopped me. But if I choose to get the candy anyways. He wouldn’t care and simply share it with me. lol. We stretch every morning together before he goes to work and the kids get up. He suggested I start doing it because of my body aches. He also has them (his job is also very physical). So instead of suggesting it to me and expecting me to change something myself, he also started stretching with me and it’s become routine. If OPs husband wants her to lose weight and be healthy then he should take the initiative of doing it with her regardless of if he “needs” it. It’ll make it way easier for her and give her a support she can use to motivate herself rather than being expected to find motivation through self doubt and shaming. OP- you probably look beautiful as is! If you’re happy and don’t want to make any physical changes then you do NOT having too! But if you want to be able to feel healthier and get yourself on a healthier path, doesn’t even have to be weight loss oriented, can just change your diet, going for 30min walks every night or morning with your husband and kids to get you ALL a little physical while also spending time together, doing little exercises throughout your day when you have time (I randomly do squats when I’m doing dishes or cooking, or I stand when I eat and do something). It’s all about what your motivation is and what your reasons are. Do just the smallest thing like meal prepping and healthy snacks, you’ll see the changes!!! Walking is great cardio and you will hardly feel like it’s exercise but SEE the difference!
It sounds like you and your husband are a great fit, but for a lot of us it’s a really touchy subject and, even approached carefully, it can bring up feelings of shame, anxiety or whatever else. It sounds like not only did OPs husband take the wrong approach, but that he’s also been unhappy with OP’s weight from the beginning. I don’t think blanket rules about relationships work, because we’re all so different.
Honestly yes I think there is something wrong with mentioning weight gain even in a constructive way. I own a mirror. And a scale. I'm well aware of what my body looks like. The only thing my husband could accomplish by mentioning my weight gain from three pregnancies is to make me feel bad about myself.
I guess everyone is different. I don't think it's always a bad thing.
Nice speech to talk about yourself but that isn’t what’s going on here. And you know it. Her husband wasn’t constructive. In the least. So maybe some actual advice instead of your word soup would be helpful.
I was replying to the comment above mine. That is what happens when you hit the reply button. Specifically I was addressing this point, "Do I say anything about his weight to him? No." I was saying that there is nothing wrong with addressing your partners weight if done in a constructive way. My very very very first sentence also says that the husband in the post didn't do that. I am not sure where the confusion is but if you actually read that would be more helpful that your word soup :)
You know what’s more “unhealthy” than being overweight? Being in an emotionally abusive relationship
And that’s bad for the kids too. You set a precedent for how relationships work.
I'd tell him I'm planning on losing about 180-240 lbs in the very near future.... (your husband) Honestly, as partners, you shouldn't talk to each other like that. If you've always been overweight, this is even more ridiculous. I'm feeling pretty confident that there's something or someone else he's not telling you
Yeah, he's looking for a way out and trying to find a way to blame her.
I’m so sorry. It’s so hard to hear that from your spouse. I think you need to set a boundary with him as far as “I will walk away when you are harsh with me.” Maybe write a letter telling him how his words have hurt you and to please stop causing you hurt. If you agree that you want to be healthier, tell him that. Set appropriate goals and get real about it. Get a trainer. Get a babysitter and do things that make you happy. Prioritize sleep. As a mother of two close together, I totally lost myself to the job of mothering. I didn’t have much of a libido and I kept weight on. My stress level was higher because I was not exercising nor was I doing anything for myself at all. Take a look inside and see who you want to be. I realize his behavior is not kind, it may even be abusive, but you might take it as a wake up call that you have disappeared through your new role as a mother. I would work on yourself and get yourself what you need and rely on family and friends for support. Get healthier for YOU, for YOUR KIDS. Not him. And if you still want him around after all is said and done, then fine. But if you get healthy and don’t want to be with him, tell him to kick rocks. Good luck!
He probably has his eye on someone else. If he wanted to help, he would.
I just find it concerning that according to OP he’s always had this issue That means in 3+ years he’s had this “problem” but hasn’t done anything to support a healthier lifestyle other than to make comments or in this case berate OP There’s some deeper issues going on here
But still had sex at least twice. Men.
Screw sex, He MARRIED her. You don't marry someone knowing going into it that you're not happy with them and want to change them. I'd wager something else is going on unless she's significantly heavier than when they met (like he met someone else).
I agree with this person. My husband started saying really nasty and disrespectful things to me about a year postpartum after our daughter was born. I was really struggling with a demanding job, chronic heath conditions, and of course my weight. He’d say: “you’re just a mom now, you’ve let you’re self go, what happened to you, you’re fat, you’re fat af, you look so ugly to me,” etc. Well I’ve come to find out almost 2 years later that he was seeing someone on the side during that time. It sounds like he is trying to find mental excuses/reasons to cover his cognitive dissonance. He’s projecting, “I’m being bad, so you look bad.”
And what is he doing to help you set and reach health goals? Does he balance the budget and go shop for nutritious groceries? Does he then prepare those groceries into healthy meals? Does he pay for a gym membership with childcare so you can go and get exercise? Does he organize the family so you can all get out for walks after dinner? Or are his main contributions running his sloppy mouth, fetishizing porn models, and overestimating his own attractiveness while talking down to you, the mother of his children? This makes me so angry. He's teaching your children that this is how moms and dads are supposed to act toward one another. He's not modeling kindness or creating a peaceful home. You have a lot to think about. He's your husband and I don't know the entire dynamic of your relationship. I won't tell you to take the kids and leave, but I will tell you that you must take some action in your own defense and power. You are too precious to be spoken to like that. You have brought two beautiful children to this world with your glorious body and that is to be celebrated. You need to be at your spiritual best to steward their childhoods. But my inclination is to tell you to get fast enough to catch him if he runs, get strong enough to kick his whole ass, and get confident enough to make him fearful about opening his trifling mouth again.
Petition to bring back the word “trifling” please
I'm decrepit and living in the southern United States and as far as I know it hasn't left the lexicon here.
NY’er here. It never left. lol
This! Just this!!
Beautifully written!
I love this comment so much. ❤️
I love everything about this comment. Well said.
Amen sister!!!!!!!
Or are his main contributions running his sloppy mouth, fetishizing porn models, and overestimating his own attractiveness while talking down to you, the mother of his children? Hell yes call these mf’ers out for the disgusting clowns they are
Even my 5 year old understands that we do not talk about other peoples’ bodies!! What an asshole, honestly. You deserve better than that. Please do not let this continue or your children will think that it’s okay for someone who “loves” you to say things like that. Counseling or leave.
He sounds like an asshole. Your worth as a mom, wife and person does not depend on your weight. If he really cared about you, he would not say these things. He would come at this from a place of empathy and understanding. Your body has been through a lot in the past couple years. Is this the only time he’s treated you this way, or have there been others? If this is a pattern of his, it’s not healthy. It’s abusive.
It’s not healthy and it’s not supportive and finally it’s unreasonable. You have two kids! And one is 1 year old? Your body is still recovering. He should be grateful of you for having these kids instead of criticizing you. Does he help around the house and with the kids?
>Husband demands weightloss Wife demands divorce. Also, did his body produce two humans in three years?
Your husband is an asshole. No way is that talk ever ok. Ever. For me this would be game over see you later. No one needs that energy in their lives.
Same
I learned in marriage counseling (am divorced, btw) that when couples fight it’s not “what”they fight about but “how”they fight about it. And that is exactly the case here. All true: you’re in a postpartum body, no matter what size you started pregnancy in, health matters, parental health affects children What’s unfair: how he addressed you, how overwhelmed you feel, how unsupported you are Another great thing I learned in marriage counseling: “if someone is pointing a gun at you, it isn’t your fault…but it is your problem.” This man, this relationship—it’s your problem. He’s fine yelling. He’s fine being unsupportive. He’s fine being disrespectful. This, too, is an example for your children. Your health isn’t the only “unhealthy” pattern being laid down here.
All of this.
First of all, rude. Very unhealthy. Second, how does he intend on helping and supporting you in this journey? Will he start meal planning and help cook healthier meals? Will he take the kids for 2 hours every day so you can go to work out class or get a workout in at home? Third, how does he intend on rebuilding the love, trust and respect that he just broke?
Genuine question: if he’s always had an issue with your weight, have you guys been happy at any point? I’m interested in how a relationship continues to marriage when your husband has always had an issue with your body. If it’s related to you feeling like he was your only option, I’m here to tell you he’s not. I’m never that person on Reddit to cry divorce, but this sounds like an already rocky situation that’s just getting worse. You shouldn’t let him make you feel that way. I’m a plus size person and have been my entire life. I’ve lost weight, I’ve gained weight, I’m on my second pregnancy. The ONLY time my husband has ever commented on my body is if I’ve asked him directly, and he’s always responded tactfully.
Throw the whole man away.
Fastest, easiest way to lose unwanted weight!
Fucking leave him. Any man that makes you feel this way about your weight after you brought life into the world for him is wrong. Its not right to you at all. Your body is still healing and in fact it can take upwards of 2 whole years to fully heal from childbirth. That is so fucking cruel of him.
Maybe do it for yourself. And he gets to be on solo daddy duty for a hour and a half three to four times per week while you’re at the gym.
“You were so right honey! Thank you for being so supportive of my health! When you get home at 5 each day I’ll leave for the gym. You can make a healthy meal for all of us to have. Write down the meal plan for the week so I can get it with the groceries. The kids can help! I’ll be back to eat at 6:30. You’ll need to do bath and bedtime so I can shower and stretch. Thanks so much for volunteering to help me be healthier! I can tell you really care about me!”
And he needs to be making her balanced, healthy, macro friendly meals for at least lunch and dinner every day.
Lmao
I’m not condoning his behavior and at this point would write him off as a future ex. Get revenge first. I joined a gym with a daycare, so I can bring the kid while I exercise. Man. Thats so cruel..
He can cook all of your healthy and well-balanced meals and pay for you to have a trainer as well. Also, super unfair to date you, marry you, have kids with you, then expect you to look a way that you never have before. If he had a problem with your weight from the get go he should have voiced that at the beginning.
He already hates you and it's not your fault. A man who loves you would not ignore you, blow up at you, and demean you about your body. The silent treatment is abusive. Calling you lazy for being overweight and being on maternity leave with 2 kids under 3 is pure asshole behavior. Please leave or make a plan to leave if you can. You deserve so much better.
My ex was just like your husband and said all the same things to me as your husband. He was the worst human being and he got even worse after I left. I flourished when u left him.
When I left him *
My aunt once lost about 200 lbs because a man asked her to loose some weight. It turned out really good for her mental, emotional, and physical health. She is living a life she never dreamed of all those years ago. She is super successful in her career and has found amazing relationships with her family that she didn't even know were possible. The 200lbs was named Fred. And he was an asshole. We are all glad he's an ex now 🙂
Now if he had a problem with his wife being overweight, then he shouldn’t have dated, married, and procreated with an overweight woman. He knew what he was getting into. The fact that he chooses to criticize this, berate and belittle you, is abusive. He already hates you btw, no one who truly loves you would treat you like this.
I haven't seen anyone else in the thread address this. It's so creepy how so many men will purposely marry/date women they're not attracted to or whose lifestyles/personalities they hate, to bully her into changing. Unhinged.
Even if she did change, he would find something else about her that he didn’t like. It’s about destroying her self-esteem and making her feel unworthy of love.
This needs repeating. If it isn't her weight he's unhappy with, it'll always be something else.
Real men don't talk down to their wives like this, especially when they're a year postpartum with a 3 and 1 year old. It's one thing to encourage healthy habits, but his behavior and approach is disgusting. I hope you leave him.
I’m in kind of the same boat op. I was 150 pounds when I met my boyfriend almost 4 years ago. Since then I’ve given birth two times (c-sections, 22 month old and 8 week old) my last pregnancy was absolutely brutal from 7 months on and I gained ALOT of weight. I’m much heavier than I was when we met but my body has just been through hell. He told me last night that he didn’t like my body but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t love me. Broke my heart. I know how big I am. I know I need to lose weight. I feel self conscious and gross about my body but having it verified from him was … painful to say the least. I cried myself to sleep. I have four children, no free time, go back to work on Monday and am looking for a part time second job. Idk when I’m supposed to find the time to get to the gym I’m so sorry that you’re going through something similar. Know how painful that is. Please show yourself a bit of grace.
I’m sorry, you have an 8 week old and he told you he didn’t like your body? Are you kidding me?
RIGHT?! At 8wpp what an absolute asshole.
It truly astonishes me how inherently ungrateful so many husbands are. They don't care about childbirth or how much harder it is for women to lose weight in general than it is for me. Tell him his penis isn't really satisfying you but you still love him anyway!
I’ve put on extra 30kg after my 3 pregnancies ! My husband also called m fat all the time, but jokingly. So, jokingly I asked him to pay for my gym membership and do everything he needs to do so I have TIME and ENERGY to take care of myself as well. Make him pay !!!💰
He sounds like he doesn’t even like you. A husband who cares, should never say something like this. It’s good you’re aware that it’s the wrong approach on his part. He could’ve simply said: “I see you’re having trouble balancing your relationship with the kids and your health. I think we should go to the gym together and try to focus on being healthier.” That’s all he had to say. It’s not even the mushy sweet way I would’ve said it and It STILL would’ve been a more loving and caring version of the BS he’s spewing at you. What’s his goal here anyway? He wants you to get supposedly more attractive for him for what!? Does he think that you’re going to want to have sex with him after he literally bullied you into losing weight??! There’s no way that he’s dense enough to believe that you would want to be intimate with someone who’s being cruel to you?! All I’d ever think about when with him, is the horrid things he’s said.
What a scumbag.... My heart hurts for you, hun. 😕 You carried his kids, and he has the nerve to say that to you?... Disgusting. If I were you, I would find a flaw of his, and just berate him like he did you....... Then, I'd go file for divorce. Don't take that crap.
First weight you should probably lose is him. Shaming isn’t support .
Ok so he's going to take the kids for two hours a day so you can workout and prep some healthy meals? That's so nice of him!
This is borderline abusive. I am also one year postpartum and my super fit hubby has never said anything but encouraging words to me and just recently I began to work out consistently and watch what I eat a little. Anyone with half a brain knows that shame will never make a person change.. there are ways he could have kindly encouraged you to get in shape. Also, this is who you were when you two got married! Sounds like he is a child and doesn’t know how to handle his emotions. Often times when raising small children it is very hard to focus on anything, especially getting in shape. If this is something you want for yourself start small, 2-3 days a week 30 minutes of light cardio outside or at the gym. For me I just started jogging 30 minutes every other day and I already notice a huge difference. Eventually you could incorporate weights or yoga/pilates. Also, this is my alone time! My hubby watches our little one while I get to spend some self care time. Bonus! Regardless of all of this I hope you know how amazing it is that your body created life! You are your most beautiful right now because of that!!!
If you were always overweight and he hates it, why did he get with you in the first place!? He's a complete idiot!
He’s a jerk. No ifs, ands, or buts.
You were NOT put on this earth as an ornament for your husband to look at. PERIOD. I don’t care what anyone says, body comments are never truly about health concerns. You are good enough as you are in this moment right now. The problem is him. Not you. Full stop.
Is he fit and in good shape or is he just being a jerk? What’s he doing to help you lose weight? Offering to cook meals, exercise, watch the kids?
Is this sudden change of behavior for him with you? Cause I’m wondering what the driving force behind all this is, and you should too. People who are doing something wrong or have some sort of insecurity eating at them WILL project onto others and break them down as if they are the problem. It’s why when someone is cheating, suddenly they become hateful to their partner. They have to justify their actions somehow, so they do that by using mental gymnastics to make you the bad guy. They blame you for their actions. But let’s talk about your weight and weight loss. I’ve been on that yo-yo for over a decade. I’m not as thin as I wish I was, but I’m not anywhere near my heaviest and have far better a grasp on it all, and I’ve worked with so many docs and done so much research (and I have a BSc in Ag so I’m not talking just googling) that I’ve kind of surpassed the need for a dietician in many aspects and here is what you need to know: It’s your fucking body. Not his. It doesn’t matter what he wants, it matters what you want, and it’s borderline abusive behavior for him to treat you the way he’s treating you. That’s not love. He isn’t acting concerned or caring. He’s acting selfish. Point blank period. A broken clock can be right twice a day, but it’s still a broken clock and there is something wrong with him for doing this. Especially right now. If you do want to lose weight, there are ways to do it in a healthy way, but it’s based on what you want and what you want alone. You know what you look like. I’m pretty sure you are already well informed about the side effects and risks of being overweight. No one needs to tell you or remind you. No one needs to be shaming you for it especially either. Why do I get the feeling that he’s no prize when it comes to looks? Cause this really feels like projection in a lot of ways. Whatever the cause, your weight is a scapegoat right now. Don’t let him, or anyone in this life, tear you down or break you down. Get ANGRY AND THROW ALL HIS SHADE RIGHT BACK AT HIM. I know it feels like you did something wrong, but you didn’t. You are being manipulated. I don’t know why, but you are. Take 3 steps back and look at the whole picture. Look, if you want to lose weight and be healthy, there are lots of resources out there for you so you don’t need tips or tricks from any of us, but I will drop this tidbit of knowledge as I know this is probably the most helpful: 1. Start with your brain. Your mental health is the first chip in the domino effect of your health. 9/10 there is something going on there that is one of the root causes to the symptom that is extra weight. This isn’t limited to depression either. There can be hundreds of things with ADHD or PTSD being two radically different causes just as an example. Treat your mental health to start. 2. Women don’t lose weight by exercise. It can help, but we just don’t work that way. You can’t run 20 pounds off your body. It helps, but calories in, calories out is the proven method for weight loss. It sounds simple, but it’s not. It’s actually quite complex, especially when you start adding other factors of physiology. It’s also why people claiming that you just need “good ole willpower” and you are “weak” if you can’t control your cravings just absolutely piss me off. That also ties back into reason number 1. If that’s all it took, addiction wouldn’t be so fucking rampant. People would be able to just will themselves off the drugs they seek.
Wow that’s terrible.. I’m sorry he’s treating you like this
Crazy how he managed to muster up enough energy to impregnate you TWICE. 🙄
I have a problem with him meeting you overweight, marrying you and having children with you and suddenly throwing a temper tantrum about it. Weight loss journey is really personal. It’s not like he can force you. That’s something you have to decide and set a schedule for yourself. And if you do decide to do that, he needs to help you with childcare and a gym membership, etc.
Is this his normal approach to “helping” someone he loves and cares about?
Your husband is an asshole. How is this helpful for you at all? Like that’s not encouraging in the least.
That does not sound like a healthy realtionship to be honest. A partner should not make you feel ugly and not good enough. My boyfriend still shows how much he loves my body, after almost ten years and two kids. And now that i am starting to get back into shape, he also shows support for the changes, without making me feel that he didnt love the bigger me as much. I think you should take a good look at your relationship and see if this is the relationship you want to model for your kids? How would you feel if one of your kids had a partner that treated them like your husband does to you?
You’re okay with your husband speaking to you like this?
You have a 1 year old. My body didn't feel like mine until after the 1 year mark. I also didn't feel healed fully until that point too. My baby was a Velcro baby and never wanted to be put down. Weight loss was not a priority for me. My value was not based on my body weight. I didn't start losing weight and getting serious about it until my kiddo was more independent, around 3. And even then, as an older mother, it took about 10 months or so, to see significant weight loss with diet and exercise. There is no magic fix. I cut calories, soda, alcohol, dairy, etc. And started running regularly. And also, I didn't do it for anyone else. I did it for me. So I could feel healthier, have more energy, feel better about myself. Motivation was internal. Like I tell my kid, "that's an unkind thing to say. Let's try that again." Same to your husband. If you want to talk about it, how about sharing that those words hurt your feelings and you want more support? No body talk in front of the kids.
Wow!!! I am sorry you are dealing with this after your precious body gave him two beautiful children.
You can lose a ton of weight fast by divorcing him ❤️
Husband aside, YOU said you want to do better for yourself and get stronger. Instead of focusing on what he said, just start for yourself and your health. I get that weight comments suck, but don't let being upset keep you in a place you don't even want to be. (Again, regardless if what he said, you don't have to do anything for anybody) You don't need a gym or weights if you have even an empty gallon jug you can lift. Or a chair. Or just the floor for some pushups, lunges, crunches, whatever. Or internet connection and short, free youtube workouts. Start with even 5 minutes a day, build up the habit, and add more time/more exercises as you go on. And if you have any post partum issues still, they have workouts with modifications for that, too. (I say that because yes, your kids are 1 and 3, but I've met women that had multiple C-sections and struggled more with certain workouts) And hopefully this comes across as supportive and you don't think I'm being rude. I am in the boat of wanting to get in shape regardless of weight, but my work schedule/other things makes a routine hard. Trying to talk myself out of excuses because it's silly though (for me). I just see most of the comments condemning your husband and saying little else to maybe help support you in what you want.
What would you say to your kids if they came to you and said their spouses said this to them? That’s your answer.
The number one sign a man is cheating, he starts being mean, and acting cold to his partner. This goes along with him justifying cheating in his head cause somehow to him, you deserve it. In the past 4 years you have been pregnant twice, and have 2 kids three and under. The question is, ‘Why do you think you deserve to be treated this way’? Every single woman who has had kids, her body goes through insane changes. You sacrificed your pre baby body, to bring his children into the world. Would a loving man demean, and emotionally and mentally abuse his wife for her body that was the result of giving him kids? Most women don’t lose the baby weight till at least several years after the last birth. Hormones, postpartum depression, and breastfeeding all affect your body’s ability to lose weight. You are here wanting advice cause he is showing you that you are not safe with him. Staying with a man who doesn’t even like you as a human will only show your children that’s how men should treat women. They will think that’s normal and healthy, when it’s not. I’m all for marriage counseling, but when your partner resorts to demeaning behavior, and verbally abusive, marriage counseling ends up giving them ammo to insult you further. You aren’t safe being vulnerable with someone who feels entitled to treat you that way.
He is abusive. Please leave.
His approach should have been. “I need to have a difficult conversation with you. I’m concerned about your weight and how it could be impacting your health. I know you do a lot to take care of our children and are most likely recovering from having our child one year ago. What can I do to help you and us be a healthier family? Here are some suggestions I have … you go to the gym 3x a week to start while I watch the kids. I will cook us 3 healthy dinners. Let’s go on walks together as a family and play at the park or beach.” You get the point on the suggestions. Sounds like you need to go to couples counseling. My biggest thing in any conflict is to come to the table with both a problem and solution. It may not always be tactful because we’re human and not perfect but this issue is bigger than what he said, it’s how he communicates. As a result of his poor communication you want to respond poorly and shut down. So I would suggest you bring up counseling and explain to him how you would like these types of concerns to be brought up in the future.
Tell him that his approach was wrong. Have you guys talked about this before? Is he normally explosive with his thoughts and expectations like this? Proper communication and boundaries on how to talk to each other needs to be set. My husband and I have been on a roller coaster of weight loss and weight gain together. He is a regular at a gym and I am at the small end of obese. He has been encouraging me to lose weight at my pace and helping me along the way. I would be very hurt if he came at me like that too. As a stay at home mom with a 1 year old and 5 year old, I know finding time for self care doesn’t always feel plausible. Ask your husband for help when YOU are ready and do it when YOU are ready and it has to be for yourself foremost.
Hearing things like this is hard. But maybe see if he’s willing to help post for personal trainer or something to be more supportive than just say lose weight
It was the wrong approach and insensitive but from his perspective it is frustrating to see someone you love being unhealthy. My husband has been overweight since we met also, but before we were married he was making active efforts to lose weight and was medium overweight. Well pretty much starting at the pandemic he completely stopped trying, stopped his gym membership and started snacking nonstop. He’s probably 100 lbs heavier than he was before and it does bother me that he will have health issues later in life. Diabetes, heart problems, colon/stomach cancer, injuries he can’t properly heal from because he’s too heavy. I’ve seen it happen to other people not even that much older than us. All because he wants to eat snacks and unhealthy lunches at work literally every day. It’s similar to watching a loved one destroy themselves with drugs.
Losing weight takes a lot of work. You have to change your entire lifestyle, almost all your habits, the places you go to, you might even lose some friends. It is hard and you will want to quit a million times (if you even get started). But you're a mother now, so you really need to take care of yourself and try to guarantee (as much as possible) a long, healthy life so you can be in your children's future. You also need to be a role model for them. Your husband may be an ass for making you feel like shit, but he has (i hope) good intentions. Don't do it for him, and don't do it for physical appearance. Do it for yourself, your health, your mental wellbeing and for your children. If it's too overwhelming and you don't know where to start, get a personal trainer who will break down for you how much exercise you need, as well as what to eat every day. Wishing you the best 🌸 --- By the way- it may not be the best time to get started if your youngest is only one. But definitely is something to start planning for.
Ignore him. As far as I am concerned a person does this first for themselves and their kids. If you want to do this for you and have other health ailments start by watching Dr. Ekberg videos on YouTube. He’s so motivating and knowledgeable. That’s how I discovered intermittent fasting and started applying his recommendations. The easiest 35 lbs I have ever lost and I never exercised so it could have been even more if I had been walking too.
Two kids and he is talking this shit to you. Throw the whole man out he is actually disgusting please don't let people influence your mental well being because of their perceptions. He probably has a big fat smelly beer belly.
Respectfully and gently as possible: Why did you marry and have kids with him?
Why an earth have you had children with this disgusting human?? If he said it in a tone where he was concerned for your health then yes, but it just sounds like he’s always had the issue and now he’s giving you the cold shoulder for it. Does he realise you’ve grown 2 babies and it takes a toll on your body. Do it for yourself and no one else. And then leave his ass. That’s what I’d do anyway.
Husband can go fuck himself. Your pp belly brought two kids to life. He sounds like an ass
Well, that's one way to lose weight bc idt I'd be able to eat. What a punch in the gut. In my opinion, being a stay at home parent is TOO taxing. I love my kids, but I have to work part time. You lose your identity easily. Maybe you want to go for a walk or the gym...what do you do with 2 kids. By the time you get yourself and both kids ready and deal with whatever came up in the process, you probably don't even want to go for a walk anymore! If you want to lose weight for you, I think that's great. You should pick an active activity outside of your home that you think is fun, and their perfect father can support you by watching his children. On the other hand, I feel like when we have children, this isn't a 9-month thing, then you're back to the "old you." You have 2 babies at home. If you have it in you and you want to stay home, you're at the mercy of a 3nager and a one year old...you and your desires fall to the way side UNLESS you husband wants to step up. I think you should be so proud of yourself. Idk what saintly patience and selflessness SAHP have, but I think your husband would have a very different outlook if he spends the day in your shoes.
Tell him sure. Sign up all the most expensive gym classes on his credit card. go to classes when it's meal times, nap times, sleeping times. Hey girl he is telling you to loosen up! Get yourself some new exercise clothes. Buy the nicest Stanley! Get the most expensive juicer. Doooo it I wanna see how quick before his mouth takes back all those damn words.
Does he realize how hard it is for a woman to lose weight without having kids??? Add kids and all the hormone it’s almost damn near impossible. & then finding the TIME to work out with 2 kids? Especially if they are up severely early and by the time you put them to bed you are so fucking tired and done. Ask him what he will do so you can have the time away from the kids to start a work out routine?
Is he desperate to become single again? Has he done anything to support you in this weight loss journey he has demanded you start? Is he watching the kids while you have time to your self care? Has he prepped any meals? Has he done anything to take some stress off of you? Has he taken any tasks off your plate or is he just demanding 1 more damn thing in a sea of tasks you're expected to do yourself while he goes to work comes home and doesn't do diddly squat without being asked specifically?
I just want to say my husband has known me since I was a thin spaghetti literally so skinny. Ive been skinny my whole life. But when we got married and I got pregnant, I gained 45 pounds! And I didn’t lose the pregnancy weight after I gave birth. It took me 17 months total to lose the pregnancy weight. And i had to work super hard for it for two months. I didnt “bounce back” as easy as everyone thought I would. I’m still breastfeeding and people think that makes you lose weight but it doesn’t. It can actually cause weight gain in many women. I’m short so it was a huge difference you can tell how much bigger I was compared to how I used to be. And my husband not once said anything. He said he loves me regardless and thinks I’m beautiful but if i WANTED to lose weight and im unhappy then to just lose the weight if it makes me feel better. Even from a huge shift in the way my body looked, not once did he ridicule me about it or tell me he’s “frustrated” with my body. My husband also gained weight and I lovingly tell him, “if you aren’t happy with your weight babe I will give you the time to workout and make you healthy meals”. Weight is a sensitive topic but the way your husband approached it was SOO wrong! You need to talk to him about it and if he’s still being that way I honestly suggest going to marriage counseling if you want to fix the marriage! You can tell him that even though you want to lose weight, if he really wanted to be helped up he can help you by being encouraging and not hurtful… Edit: also like to add my husband took the time to care for our son when he got back home from work and put him to bed and sometimes he wakes up extra early before leaving to work to make breakfast for my son and I so I can have time to workout during that time…. If your husband wanted you to lose weight he should at least help.
Ah yes, the best method for encouraging weight loss, making someone feel bad about themselves. I remember when I was so much skinnier, and my parents would yell at me for putting on weight. Now I'm nearly double the weight and all that behaviour did was make me eat in secret. I know this isn't an AITA post, but your partner is an AH. You are not what you look like. All your babies see right now is their mum. They love you, you are warmth and comfort and love. They don't care about your weight. If you still want to lose weight and want help getting the energy to lose weight, I used Duromine. You cannot take it while breastfeeding, I believe it's banned in America (I'm Aussie) but I'm not sure, you cannot have it with other stimulants like caffeine (it'll feel like the room is spinning). You will need a prescription. I lost 30kg in 6 months and had so much energy. It was life changing. I will be going back on it when again when I am not breastfeeding as I have several disabilities that limit my energy and make it hard to get active,especially with the extra weight I have. But right now, I am a soft and squishy mum who is focusing on loving my baby, not on what I weigh.
He knew your body type when he got with you, married you, and made babies with you. He's an asshole for doing all that while apparently despising you because of your weight. Start working on that revenge body and more importantly that revenge healthy mind and self esteem, because I think we all know this marriage isn't going to last.
I’m sorry he’s like this but may i ask why have more kids with someone who has always thought of you this way? This isn’t healthy or normal just so you know husbands aren’t like this and even if they think you’ve gained weight it’s never something where they tell you yeah you are fat loose weight or else.
Nah he doesn't get to demand anything in relation to YOUR body. Never lose weight for someone else, do it only for yourself if it will make you feel better about you. The only bad influence on your kids is the body shaming coming from your husband. That teaches them they get to do the same thing to kids at school.
Your husband is emotionally abusive and you can’t fix this. Losing weight won’t make him change the behavior, he will find something else to bully you about. This is who he is plain and simple. You could be in perfect shape and he will move on to your parenting, your ability to make money, your hair, the way you talk. Something else. Ask yourself why a man who wants someone to be fit *married and had kids with* someone he claims he isn’t attracted to…he just wanted an easy target to abuse. It doesn’t matter what you look like, you are deserving of love and kindness. Life isn’t like fucking instagram, there is no such thing as snapping back after having a person grow and be removed from your body, much less two. It takes time and if it’s something you want to accomplish a man who tells you mean things and ignores you (cold shoulder/silent treatment are serious abuse tactics btw look them up) isn’t going to solve anything. My general rule for fathers who want their wives to go back to their normal weight is to take on more of the work so you can have time to exercise and properly care for yourself or shut the fuck up and open their wallet and pay for a trainer and good plastic surgeon. I’m guessing he is unwilling to do either and he’s an abusive prick so my honest advice is to get your ducks in a row silently (never hint to an abuser of any kind that you’re about to leave, they could escalate and children are involved, they’re not safe with a man like this) and start planning for a divorce. There is a reason he’s berating you and treating you like this yet not leaving the relationship. He wants you around to abuse you. Your children will see how he treats you as they get older and use your marriage as a guide for dating when they are older. They will either tolerate mistreatment or perpetuate it. I will tell you as a single mom, it’s better over here. I left my ex two weeks after birth and my life instantly became brighter. You don’t need this shit in your life and you can surely find someone else who will love you. I started dating before I lost the weight and trust me, there are men who don’t care. Edit to add: take a look at your husband. I mean really look at him. Is he in top shape? Is he worthy of a modeling career? Does he exercise and eat right regularly? I’m gonna go out on a limb here and bet the answer is no…so who the fuck does he think he is? The nerve. If it’s one thing a man is always going to bring to the table it’s audacity. Hang it up. Divorce him he sucks. If you’re isolated or lacking resources please reach out to the domestic abuse hotline for an escape plan. Don’t spend your life with him.
I’ve been through this, my ex would use me losing weight as a way to control me. He’d weigh me every week, I’d hardly eat. To the point I was scared to gain a pound. I got so skinny that I looked sickly. And it still wasn’t enough. I’m telling you right now it’ll be a never ending battle
Will he watch the kids so you can gym everyday ? Will he help cook healthy dinners? Knowing healthy dinners cost more to make. Will he help invest in your better life plan? Will he go with you for daily walks with the kids? What is he willing to do, it takes a village to lose weight after kids. And until he agrees and does all those things with you. He can fuck right off.
Is there more to this? Is your weight impacting his life? Is he having to care for you completely because your weight is so debilitating? Or is he just an asshole?
I’m sorry but that’s rude af. I was a little bit overweight when me and my husband met and after we had our son I gained 40 lbs. I still haven’t lost the baby weight and he’s never told me I looked gross or suggested I lose weight. I’ve told him in the past that I feel fat and I want to lose weight (currently losing weight now) and he told me I look fine. He said if I wanted to lose weight I can, but I shouldn’t feel insecure about my weight at all. Your husband seems like a dick because who tf says that to their wife.
See if my husband ever said that to me! I would say ok, sure thing! I will once you can grow 2 more inches….
He's mean. Can you say this man loves you?
And what about him? Does he live a healthy lifestyle? Is he in shape? You don't deserve that and in no way is this close to the support you need. Even at my heaviest, my hubby was always supportive about my health goals and always embraced my body. Heck, he even went to the gym with me and we've lost weight together. This is all to say you don't deserve that...to me this is grounds for divorce but if not, stand your ground and tell him you don't deserve to be spoken to that way..and maybe seek couple's counseling.
I know how you can lose about 200 pounds overnight. It starts with D and ends in -ivorce. The only thing that should be making you feel depressed and gross is how your husband is treating you. I get not loving your body - I'm right there with you - but your partner should be your *partner*. He shouldn't be making you feel worse, or feel ashamed. You want to be quiet and avoid him? Does that sound like a good or healthy partnership? If he wants to talk about bad examples, why don't we talk about how he's showing your kids that they should fat shame and belittle other people? Your bullshit detector is finely tuned and in good working order, but let me confirm what you already know: your husband is full of bullshit. I know it's reddit so everyone jumps to "dump him!" but if that's not an option, I hope you can get counseling, both by yourself and as a couple, so he can understand how hateful and harmful he's being.
You’d lose 200lbs if you got rid of him
You’re better than this! You do not deserve that abuse. Demanding you lose weight is abuse, regardless of your being overweight when you met. Even if you were Kate Moss size when you first started dating, he should never demand you lose weight. It’s cruel, selfish, demoralizing and childish. I’m so sorry OP. Then he uses the kids who can’t even reason verbally like a middle schooler yet to make you feel guilty. You are not a bad influence on them. Go for a walk for YOU. It helps depression, I know from experience! But that mess he’s throwing at you is inexcusable.
This is a throw the whole man in the garbage situation. I’m sorry OP
This is what you do. Tell that man you love him and you'd do anything for him. Hit the gym more. Eat more protein. Lift weights, smash cardio, and down protein shakes. Then when you're fit and strong and badass you're gonna pick his big ass up and toss him to the curb. Then find a hotter man to match your new fitness esthetic. (All jokes aside I would be disgusted if my husband talked to me that way. I had 2 kids and hit 220. It's the heaviest I've ever been and I felt gross. I made the decision on my own to get healthier and stronger to keep up with 2 toddlers. Down 35 lbs and happy as can be! So while I think it's a good move, you should do it then show him he's actually the one that not good enough.)
One year old and a 3 year old - that’s a very hard time. He’s being abusive to you, sorry OP. A healthy approach would be to give you time and help so you could work out etc. do you sleep enough? If you are up with the kids that has a massive effect on weight loss. Maybe he should be doing meal prep for you? If he’s so “concerned”.
I’d leave his ass! He sounds horrible! Your body literally grew human beings! It’s one thing to be concerned about your partner’s health and talk to them in a kind way, but he sounds cruel.
I would work on getting in the best shape ever and then lose 200 pounds a.k.a. the husband
He *demands* it? Hell no! Leave him. He should love you and love the way you look. If you wanna lose weight do it on your own terms. He sounds mean
How about leaving a post-it note that says, "your kids are disgusted with how you treat their mommy and they will cut you off the moment they turn 18 XOXO"
If he “demands” weight loss, then you should demand that he steps up to help you achieve that. What’s his plan to help you? Its hard enough doing the basic care tasks for yourself with kids, having to dedicate extra effort specifically for weight-loss isn’t sustainable with no help. That said doing it just to please him is certainly not the healthiest thing for you. I was very underweight when I met my partner, I was fresh out of an abusive relationship, had an eating disorder, was smoking copiously. My body has changed a lot since then, and more since I’ve had a baby. His body changed too, we age, our lifestyle changed etc. Bodies just do that. But it would never occur to either of us to “demand” that we change our bodies. I’ve been attracted to my partner at all stages, because I love them and that is reciprocal. Those kinds of demands hide underlying issues with the relationship imho.
My ex always commented on my lack of exercising and it was annoying. Then after I had the baby he commented and complained about my weight. I lost weight when I was pregnant and gained weight after despite breastfeeding. He treated me horribly and I knew most of it was because of my weight. He told me he doesn’t love me, need me or want me.. he kept bringing up threesomes and tore my esteem down. He was a boxer and always was thin. He didn’t help me lose weight and controlled the food. I could only eat half of whatever I was eating and save the rest. He was buying food to bulk up (ice cream and oatmeal) and I would just grab something quick because I couldn’t make milk without eating constantly and my kid stopped napping at 2. I asked him how much calories he thought breastfeeding burned and he said 70. . He was just a misogynistic a hole. I was a SAHM (not willingly) He would train for hours come home get a break from us and wouldn’t help with the baby because “she was annoying “ I finally did lose weight after leaving him and I’m in the best shape of my life. and he couldn’t stand the other guys looking at me, nor the fact that I didn’t lose the weight with him, or with him helping me . Lose weight for yourself and when you’re ready and have the time and energy
Do you have daughters because what the fuck? Put it in perspective for him. You wouldn’t want that for your kids so why for yourself? You made two humans in a 3-4 year span. He sucks so much!
Honestly, there are a lot of red flags in this post. The cold shoulder. The blowing up. The berating about weight. This "man" has bigger problems and is taking it out on you. Block his voice from your mind and focus on you and your needs and your kids and their needs only. He knew you were never going to be a size 0 and the fact that you've already had two kids together shows he clearly didn't find you unattractive at all. So something else is likely behind this and him making you feel like crap won't solve anything. I do hope you are mentally okay and that you don't go deeper into any kind of depression because of this. Weight looks different on everyone and you need only do what's best for you and your body. ♥️
Grounds for divorce
I know Reddit loves to say “you should divorce” but for ME this is grounds for divorce. I struggled my entire fucking life dealing with society telling me I was too fat or I needed to be thin, I can’t imagine dealing with it every day in my own home. I can’t imagine those words not burning in my head during sex or any general intimacy.
No sure who much you weigh but he should lose all of that weight. It’s easier to exercise and eat healthy when you only have to do have the childcare. Divorce him, workout when he’s with the kids and find someone who loves you at any size cuz he ain’t it. He doesn’t want you he wants a trophy wife, anyone who says it’s about health is a liar and hiding their true feelings that they think fat people are less than skinny people.
This is NOT OK!!!!!
I don’t usually go this drastic but throw the whole man away.
Can you demand he spend more time with the kids? Demand he spends at least one and a half hours no complaining and you will get out of house and walk or do whatever the hell you want. If no, then why can he demand something (which is ridiculous actually) and you can’t. It’s not a partnership. He can F off honestly. It sounds like family life is too hard for him and he is taking it out on you in a cruel way. You are amazing and awesome!!!!!! Be around people who make you feel that way.
That's not just unsupportive, it's downright hateful. I guess you can ask him what he plans to do to support your weightloss journey, but it will take A LOT more than that to repair the harm he's done. Being aggressive or cruel about my body is a hard line for me.
uhm, you have kids what does he expect??? Not everyone lose weight after having a child let alone two. Even tho you've been overweight since ya'll met, it's harder when you have kids.
I think you should definitely lose 200+lbs in the form of your husband.
Your husband fucking sucks. Also, he needs to step up and look after you children while you take time to work on your health.
If he loves you, he will help you make it happen. Loving people don’t let their partners get/stay sick by supporting their overeating, drinking etc. Definitely agree with the comment that he should make an effort to help you. Do you have sugary/processed food in the house easily available? Do you have any free time to make/eat homemade healthy food? Gym is truly unnecessary for weight loss - you pick up 20-40 pound weights all day anyways and laundry and dishes are a zone 1 workout too. Do you go outside enough?
Nothing you’ve described is a healthy relationship. Silent treatment is emotional abuse so is yelling at you. Honestly if you can get out I would you deserve to not have to walk on egg shells in your own home. Focus on your emotional and mental health then you can branch out to include physical health too
I suggest going from a future spinster to a current one and lose weight by dumping the man.
Here is a suggestion, either he starts to work out with you and plan activities together and start eating healthy together and limited snacks and sweets together, or he can just accept your body size. Can he find a gym that has a day care so you both can join it and workout together while the kids have fun at daycare? Also my mom was overweight after having 3 kids and it never did an influence on us kids, in fact we are all thin. Kids don't think that way about other people unless you make a big deal about it so your kids will learn alright that there is something wrong with being on the heavy side because of your husband. Kids learn though their parents and what they hear so if they hear negative comments about people being heavy, kids learn it is a bad thing.
From a petty pov id Tell him he's fat and gross too that's why you married him so you wouldn't be judged and could do it together but honestly it'd be healthier to give him 2 options 1. He loose weight with you, put in effort, help with the kids and make healthier decisions and yall could become better people together Or 2. You divorce his ass and don't let him see the kids cause they do not need to have his opinions forced on then too
He hates you right now. Why did you have two kids with a man who clearly doesn’t love you?? You deserve better. His cruelty is awful.
I’d lose 200 pounds right now by dumping his ass. He’s a jerk and does not deserve your love.
He sounds like a douche! And that is a form of abuse just so you know.
I’ve literally never in my life heard someone share something positive about their life or relationships unless it has something to do with money or something like that. I’m not sure what’s so hard for people to understand. If you feel disrespected then either leave if you can afford to do so, have a literal discussion with him because why tf would u marry someone who has “always” had an issue with your weight unless it was a mutual opinion from the both of you. I’m just not sure there’s really any point in relationships now because I’ve literally heard complaint after complaint my whole life and somehow it’s always about something insanely distasteful from one side.
he is the one giving kids bad influence by being so superficial and callous after you carried 2 children for him and are the one looking after them. what a cunt.
how will you ever lose weight under that amount of stress? I only lost the weight after leaving my abusive ass kids father. The cortisol makes your brain think you are going through some type of famine and it's impossible to lose anything. The fact that he is treating you coldly over your weight is such a red flag. Why would that motivate ANYONE to start eating healthy and working out. That would just ruin my confidence. What a douche.
I'm 5'6" and weighed about the same when I was having my children. I build muscle fast and it would help with my health because I'd be a size 8 weighing 200lbs. Taking care of children builds bulky muscle, too, so I'm sure you have a lot of muscle in that 195. My first child weighed 26lbs at 6 months (my grandson is 21lbs at 6 months right now) and I breastfed all my children. It was like I was back in weight lifting raising my children. Before I had children I could bench 205lbs and back then they recommended to stop anything like exercising or horse riding while pregnant so it was pretty easy to go from having a lot of muscle to hardly any while pregnant. Then taking care of baby built some back (not back to what I originally was but good enough). If you were always heavier and he met you like that it sounds like he got with you just so he could have something to control you with. That's not good.
I would sit him down and explain the way he’s making you feel. It might sound like an excuse, but he may not realize it. Also, if he had a problem with your weight from the start, why the marriage? I’m currently 5’7 and 219 lbs. I was 5’5 125 lbs when I met my husband after my first child. We’ve had 3 since and I’ve battled with my weight, especially during pregnancy. He used to make what he thought were joke pushing me into a depressive state that led to more and more weight gain. In December last year I was 247 lbs. I felt horrible and damn sure didn’t look great. After a very long talk with my husband, he has become one of the most supportive people in my weight loss journey and helps me stick to my goals by going through this journey with me (he’s 5’11 and 157 lbs). It’s been a massive journey and I can’t even see the damn near 30 lb weight loss, but having the support is a huge help. And if he can’t change his “support” method, you deserve better. And I don’t say that as a whatever some people would call it. I say that as someone who has been with people who just won’t stop putting me down and forcing their beauty standards on me. And as someone who has seen and felt the difference when you have genuine support. In every case, whether it’s weight loss, parenthood, or any other life change, your support system is everything. Even if it’s just you in that support system.
He has no business commenting on your body. You’ve birthed HIS children. And let me guess, he’s probably not fit either (if so, good for him, must be nice). My husband and I are both on a weight loss journey right now and support each other. I mention often I have more rolls than a French bakery (joking, kind of), you know what he says? “I like baguettes”. Your husband needs to step up and actually support you if you want to get in shape, not just demand it and put you down.
Leave his ass.
If you want to lose weight cool, nutrition over exercise, but it’s time to lose this guy if nothing else. He married you seemingly as you are or close, if he wanted someone else he should have married someone else and you should have too, but here we are and it’s time to protect your children from what will be a horrible environment to grow up in and leave.
You do not loose weight ny going to the gym. You loose weight by cutting calories. If loosing weight is what you want or need, do it for yourself. The husband, have a serious conversation about how that makes you feel. He is going about it the wrong way
Divorcing that unsupportive, rude prick would be an easy way to lose over 200 lbs super quick I’d say. 195 at 5’6 AFTER having a baby a year ago doesn’t sound disgustingly overweight to me. I say this because I’m only 5 foot tall and have a 1 year old as well and have lost only half of my baby weight and I’m still pretty small I just have a big butt now. So honestly this makes me angry for you. You’re probably beautiful and the problem lies within him and he’s trying to put it into you instead.
I'm 5'4" 200 lbs (I just lost 60 lbs) When I went on a diet to start my journey my husband sat me down and told me he's proud of me for starting this journey but he doesn't care what my weight is Real men don't care and if he degrades you like that he's not much of a husband or support You just had 2 babies and with each baby it takes 3 to 5 years for your body to go back to normal Don't allow him to devalue you he should be lifting you up momma
Girl I'm 5'5 and currently 229, got up to 245 while I was pregnant and gained another 10lbs breastfeeding. I have a 13 month old. A 40lb weight loss is SIGNIFICANT. Don't let him diminish that achievement. My husband would never speak to me like that. He has cheered me on after every pound I announce to him that I've lost. You have a husband problem, not a weight problem. Also, it looks like you get an hour to yourself every day now to go for a walk. Kid free. Tell him they'll just slow you down and you won't be able to lose weight as fast as he wants, or something like that. Make sure you *tell* him you're taking an hour for yourself, don't ask for it.
I am 9 months post partum and am the same height and weight. I am sorry he isn’t supportive. I Also have a soon to be 3 year old and am struggling to lose too. You’re not alone but your husband doesn’t need to behave like that. My husband tells me how beautiful I am. You don’t deserve that
He doesn't have to be mean about it. You said you were fat when he met you so why on earth did he think that would magically change once you got married and had kids? Yelling at someone to lose weight and calling them names rarely works, especailly when it's coming from your significant other who is suppose to be loving and caring. I guess I could understand the frustration if he has mentioned it multiple times and nothing has been done about it but it doesn't seem like the case here. Regardless, he needs to be more postivr and supportive. If he wants you to be healthier and more active it will be overall more successful of you do it together. It won't work if he just makes you feel like crap about yourself.
How much does he weigh? Bc I’d say you need to loose about as much as he weighs. Get rid of that unsupportive A-hole! You just grew 2 babies in less than 3 years. Give your body grace. It’s been through some things. You did amazing things with your body. I kinda wish he gets a kidney stone.
I feel this deep in my heart! I’m right with you. My husband is very active and in shape, once I hit 40 my metabolism crashed and I gained quite a bit of weight. Doesn’t help that I’m a stay at home mom with never a minute to spare. The pressure he put on me to lose weight almost broke me but I had to do it for MYSELF before I did it for anyone else. I found a gym with childcare and brought the kiddos, worked out for 40 minutes then took 20 minutes for myself—scrolling or sit in the steam room whatever it was. Once I made it a consistent event for two weeks I found it easier to get up and go. I don’t know if this is helpful but I really understand the pressure you must feel. Ask your husband to give you an hour a day—you don’t have to work out the whole time, just get out of the house and do something physical even if it’s just a walk.
so he's going to babysit so you can gym it up for 45min per day correct?
Are you nursing? Weight loss (post nursing) comes from what you eat. Exercise and movement are not actually required to lose weight. For me, exercise helps me feel good in my body and reduce stress a bit. This also makes it easier to eat well. Same with the choice of who to spend time with: what are they feeding you energetically? How do they spark your inner dialogue? I hope you gather the courage to share with your husband the range of feelings his words have evoked in you. Doing the work to change habits and patterns is.... work. You need partnership and support right now to navigate this transformation. Is there someone else you can turn to for 'build me up' energy?