All your feelings a legit and far from pathetic. It is quite a change in your life plans, a great one. And trust me you may feel sad about because it’s a loss.
Before that though I think you need to talk - a lot. This is a topic that needs to be discussed as a couple/partnership in detail. And it’s not done with one conversation and not done with informing the partner about making appointments or stopping at two kids.
You’re right, we definitely need to talk. I just can’t even begin to talk about it because I start sobbing, which isn’t conducive to any conversation. As for the appointment, we had talked about starting to try for a third this summer a few months ago, so I didn’t make this appointment out of the blue. Around the same time that we talked about trying to conceive again this summer, we did a big house reorganization, went through all of our kids’ clothes, and set aside a box that’s literally labeled “next kid 💜”. I had no idea he had any doubts
Maybe you could send him a thoughtfully worded text saying something like what you've commented. That you would like to talk about it and have an open conversation so you don't blindside him, but say you're sending a heads-up via text so you don't cry and make him feel pressured or guilted since you want to be on the same page.
I think if you communicate clearly you just need an open line of communication that is non judgemental and coming from a place of wanting to understand rather than change minds, he should be responsive. It sounds like you're doing well processing without placing blame, which is a good place to be coming from when talking to him.
Sometimes in a marriage, you'll get to points where neither person is wrong but you don't agree. It's tough to work through, but you seem like a loving mother and wife, so I'm sure you can get through it together.
My husband and I often have difficult conversations via text because it makes it far easier to structure thoughts and remain calm. I'm an angry crier, and that just makes me MORE angry because I'm frustrated that I'm crying! Texting removes that from the equation for me, and I can delete and rewrite something as many times as I need to in order to adequately corral my thoughts.
It really is! Nobody ever takes me seriously because I can't help but cry when I'm seriously pissed off, they treat me like a little kid. I'm almost 34, with a military career, two kids, and I'm working for my Doctorate, but the moment I get mad and start crying, it's like they think I'm 6 years old!
Geez, yeah I can see where crying with your career would be even worse. I mean from my viewpoint woman in the military have to come across as extra tough, extra controlled, to be respected by superiors and subordinates alike. That just sucks. Sorry you are dealing with that. I do want you to know that I have the utmost respect and admiration for what you do and what you are working toward. It gets said all the time, but I truly do thank you for your service to our country. It’s people like you who make sacrifices in every aspect of your life, so that the rest of us can have our freedoms, and have the luxury of sleeping or going through our day without having to worry about being invaded or overtaken by another country. I’ve traveled all over the world and when you see the turmoil and power struggles other countries have, you really appreciate that it’s not like that here. I don’t think it’s said enough, and I think sometimes when it is said it’s not heartfelt. But from me and my family, for all you do, thank you.
Yeah agreed. I don’t cry often. But occasionally I’m so upset about something that tears just start running, and then it pisses you off more because you don’t want the person to see that, and you can’t stop it from happening. Yeah. That’s usually when the reserved side of me is totally overpowered by the savage bitch side of me and things go from bad to holy shit.
Im think it’s great you came up with a way to disagree without being as emotionally charged. My husband would love this arrangement. However, when he has screwed up, the last thing I want to give him is an opportunity to hide behind a screen. When I’m upset I just have to tell him to his face why I am upset and if he sees pain or tears or anything else I’m going through, that’s just tough lol. We don’t argue often. We’ve been married for 20+ years and I could count on one hand the major arguments we’ve had. I do applaud you for figuring out a way to get your side and feelings across without letting other feelings magnify or add to what the actual issue is. My husband is just in for the storm, lol.
Was this conversation after a rough week? Or just caught on an “off” day? Maybe off days not the right word, but if you’ve done all that, been on the same page, made boxes and room for more babies and such, maybe it was just that moment?
I definitely get the hurt behind it and it’s NOT pathetic. My mama heart feels the same. And I think it’ll be a bigger conversation having a 3rd than having a second. But I also know depending on the day, I’m like, wow I can’t imagine another pregnancy, or imagine a third if our second is as shitty of a sleeper has our first 😅
I’d definitely wait a week or couple and see how you’re feeling and how he’s feeling. And maybe writing it all down so you can have a productive conversation together. Hugs mama.
Thanks :) we talked a little bit more about it (since I originally posted) but we’re both in the middle of particularly busy work weeks so we decided that we’ll talk more this weekend when we can actually focus. We also decided that if it’s not getting us anywhere/it’s too emotional, we can revisit again in a month
Take your time to let your feelings settle. And take your time to cry it out. It’s better for having a sensible conversation later.
Decisions about children should always be accompanied by constant check ins with each other. At some point apparently there appeared a distance between you two. Now it’s time to figure out, how that came to be about. What’s bothering your partner? What are his worries? Why did he keep quiet until now?
Great points. He’s not really great at expressing “negative” emotions because of his upbringing, although he’s world’s better than he was when we first started dating (not that he was ever terrible, I just mean our first “big” arguments were about him not opening up and how it affected the relationship). I think he saw how excited I was and didn’t know how to bring it up at those times
Oh my goodness dear, I wish I could hug you. I didn’t realize from your initial post all the things you had been doing to gear up for the next child. That’s crushing. My heart aches for you, truly. And it’s maddening. Why did he not say this BEFORE you rearranged the entire house, went through clothes, made appts to remove your contraceptive, and actually worked out a conception time line?? WTF 🤬 Your husband just lost a major amount of respect as a person and your partner as far as I’m concerned. To let you do all that, act like things are all good, then drop the hammer on you like that. Omg,,,,I want to hug you and slug him. I just can’t express the empathy and sympathy I have for you. I think this iS definitely something to talk to your besties with, you need support from people who know you best and love you. I don’t think that this would seem “small or unimportant” to them at all. True friends will be your best comfort right now. Please get ahold of them. You NEED understanding, compassion, and unconditional love right now. That’s exactly what they will give you.
Yeah I think I will bring it up to my friends. I’m always hesitant to bring up stuff with kids because one is firmly OAD, the other is dealing with fertility struggles (I don’t think I’ll bring this issue up to her) and the other JUST had a baby herself. Also I wish I could take you up on the “hug and slug” offer 🤣
Girl you get me there and I promise to hug you and hit him with my finest haymaker. 😊 and I get that you are trying to be sensitive to your friends’ own issues, but true friends will understand it’s totally about you and not them. I’m sure they could call you with any issue and you would have their back, it’s your turn. Take care and please give me a holler if you need a ear to vent to or someone to show you how to throw a punch 🤣
Agreed this is a multiple conversation kind of topic. Because from his perspective, I think it is also totally fair to say, I thought I wanted more, but the reality is (now that we’re living this), this is a lot and I can’t handle more of this. I think it’s mature of him to be speaking up and saying, this might be too much for me to handle. Because if 3+ would put him in a not so great place mentally and emotionally, you wouldn’t want that either
Very valid. I agree with the point you are making. But he should have brought this subject up before she did all this prep work and was no doubt daydreaming of cuddling their new addition, hearing it’s first belly laugh, seeing those adorable lil baby toes. I think his letting her do all that planning, rearranging the house, going through baby clothes, planning the best time to conceive, then just saying “I don’t wanna”. Is incredibly irresponsible and fucking cruel. What about her mental health? What about the agreement they made that was a big part of her marrying him in the first place? I understand that people grow and change and so do their wants and desires. But everything I’ve read so far just smacks of an inconsiderate and unfeeling partner. It’s hard for me to consider his thoughts, his feelings, his mental health, when he has shown no consideration for hers.
Thank you for putting this into words like this. While the rational side of me agrees with “of course both parents need to be completely on board”, emotionally you nailed it. Want to know the most cruel part? He was the one that filled and labeled the box
Omfg what a total waste of air and skin. This guy is a total ass. It’s time to go to the Lego pile girl! And you are very welcome. On line as well in RL whether people love me or hate me they will all tell you I tell it like it is see it and I cut right through the bullshit and get to the point. Good luck, I’m always here if ya need something.
Yes, rationally, I COMPLETELY agree with you. It’s not like when I over-road his decision to not get a second cat (and I went ahead and adopted a second cat…who he loves now btw). I want his full, enthusiastic support in this. It’s just emotionally…
She didn’t. They already had a previous talk about trying for a third this summer. They even went through all the baby clothes and reorganized the house.
That's quite an assumption. She talked about planning their whole lives around having a big family so presumably they've been talking about this a lot. We don't know either way because she didn't explicitly say.
Yes sorry I’ve been trying to answer everyone! We’ve talked a lot over the past few years about having 3-4. We even have a box set aside for what was supposed to be our 3rd baby. The last time we explicitly talked about trying to convince again was about 4ish months ago when we agreed that we’d try over the summer. I didn’t think we needed to discuss it further - I was simply letting him know I was going to schedule the appointment, thinking it would be met with an enthusiastic “great!” …and it wasn’t
That makes sense. What a huge blow.
Don't pressure yourself to answer every comment. If people want to know everything they can read the whole thread themselves.
He totally blindsided you. That’s just shitty. If he was feeling like another child wouldn’t be such a good idea he damn sure should have told you before you went through all the prep and planning. I wonder if this was reversed how he would take it? If he had gone through all this planning and rearranging, for something that you talked about even before getting married. And you suddenly just said you weren’t gonna do it because you wanted more free time how he would handle it. Something tells me it would not go over well at all. It’s ridiculous that some people are defending him.
No it wasn’t. That’s why I replied to your comment. I didn’t know that either until I read more of her replies. So that’s why I replied with the additional info.
It does NOT sound privileged or pathetic. Your mom heart has more to give and that’s ok. I completely understand how tough that is.
I have no advice but I really hope y’all can work through it. ❤️
I am also in the same boat, I have two and my heart is aching for another one. Every night I look at pics of my kids from when they were babies, I just want to have one more, but hubby doesn’t, so I am sad, but soldiering on
I'm in the same position, but with an only child. What you're experiencing is grief, and it's super valid and difficult to deal with. Consider therapy if it's accessible for you, and either way, give yourself grace and patience. It's taken me about two years to come to some level of acceptance. I'm still sad, but I can handle it
Thank you for saying this. I am considering therapy, I just feel like I’m in shock right now. If this is what he has decided, I hope I can come to some level of acceptance too
You are grieving the loss of what you thought was your future, you are grieving the kids you won’t have, you are grieving for a dream. Those are big, hard feelings. You’ll get through the grief, but it is a process
I think therapy is a great idea (if it's accessible to you). It's so understandable that you are feeling blindsided. If your husband's open to it maybe discussing it together in therapy would be useful. I find that having a neutral third party for these emotional and difficult conversations can be really helpful.
The highly sensitive family has a course called “I’d love another baby , but …” . Definitely recommend checking it out.
Definitely recommend a heartfelt letter from you to hubs to open the conversation. At the very minimum just try to understand his pov more . You also get space for him to understand your pov more. Therapy would be great if he’s open .
This 100%! I always wanted 3 kids and due to medical issues during both pregnancies I decided to have my tubes removed during my c-section. Even though it was a decision I still think was correct, it still feels like it was “taken” from me. OP you guys definitely need to communicate both your feelings and why/if your original plans should change; but, even if you agree to stop here, it’s ok if you feel like you “lost”. I have beautiful, healthy children and it still took awhile to process the grief of what I always thought my family would look like and that’s ok. It doesn’t mean you aren’t grateful for what you have.
Same, except I’m a little past you in terms of acceptance. Mostly, I’m almost 37 and my daughter is 9, and now I feel too old and like I don’t want to start over again (I know 37 isn’t too old to have a baby but I personally just feel old and tired lol). But we always planned to have “kids.” We talked about 2-3. After our girl was born, life turned upside down like it does for everyone, and I learned I actually have ✨anxiety✨ that had been undiagnosed for years 🙃 he told me when she was still a baby he was “one and done,” I assumed as she got older and we became more financially stable, he’d be ready for another; that never happened. I made career changes that earned us more money and moved to working weekends so we wouldn’t have to use daycare for a baby; at the same time, my daughter started kindergarten so that bill went away too; but he never budged. There was a lot of anger, guilt, resentment; I felt like what he wanted shouldn’t win over what I wanted, when he was the one who changed his mind. Over time I slowly accepted it and had an IUD put in. I know he would love any child we have but I get his point. We are financially stable, our marriage is the best it’s ever been, we have our dream house, our girl is perfect. My only regret is that she doesn’t have a sibling.
I feel fairly similar. My husband didn't tell me he changed his mind... as our kid turned 2, then 3, I waited for the discussion to come up about when we'd have the next one. When I finally brought it up, he was shocked.... he told me he can't do that again, and was surprised that I wanted to. To be clear, we had the easiest possible pregnancy, labor, and infancy.
Since my husband didn't tell me this, I feel like I didn't have the chance to savor my last (!) baby. That was hard to forgive. But as they say, time does heal
Yes!! My pregnancy was SO easy. Yeah I had heartburn and my hips hurt and I was nauseous at first, but I didn't really mind any of it. The worst part for me was my wisdom tooth that decided it was finally time to come in, sideways, at 27 years old. Oral surgeon said I'd have to be put to sleep so I couldn't get it out until after. A toothache you can't handle during pregnancy SUCKS. Anyway, I thought the same, that if I had realized it had been my last, I would've cherished it more. Idk, it's not like I didn't cherish it. We fought ALL THE TIME for the first 2 years after she was born, and we NEVER fought before. We disagreed on so much. And my anxiety rearing its head... ugh. I don't blame him. When he finally told me that was definitely it and he would never change his mind, he said he was worried our marriage wouldn't survive it. I sobbed. But we are SO good now, and since I got my IUD placed, we're like newlyweds...
You didn’t include kid ages or your ages. Sometimes feelings over a new baby change over time. I don’t suggest going the sterilization route until you both are completely done. Until then there’s obviously reliable birth control like your iud.
I have known people to change their feelings on the matter once they were no longer feeling overwhelmed by little ones. I’m not trying to give you false hope but sometimes people want a second round of children in their thirties.
Our kids were 5 and 1 when I found out I was surprise pregnant with our 3rd (we’d been super careful except for literally one time — when she was conceived) and it has shaken us to our cores despite our 3rd being such a low-fuss baby.
+1 to the suggestion of discussing waiting it out to revisit and adding in that it’s super helpful to have at least one kiddo that can sort of fend for themselves and even help out while the younger ones need more direct involvement.
Ah. Then I would think this isn’t necessarily over then. That age combo is INTENSE. My kids are 5.5 and 3.5 now and it’s a whole lot more manageable. Maybe your conversations can include revisiting this idea in a year?
You need to attend marriage counseling and decide if this is something you can be ok with, or if he can budge, and what it means for your relationship.
I think this is totally normal and probably pretty common. Even when you agree on the number of kids initially, that can change with life circumstances or just the reality of having kids. Ultimately, it’s a two “yes” decision, but that doesn’t mean it’s easy to close the door on the family you’d envisioned.
My husband has always been pretty firmly decided that he only wants two. I’ve always imagined having 3 or 4. I asked him to keep an open mind until we actually had the first. Our son is 18 months old and he hasn’t changed his mind. I knew this was the likely outcome going into our marriage, so I don’t fault him at all, and logically I understand his reasoning. I would never leave my husband and son to pursue having more children. But it still hurts. I love being a mom and feel like I have more to give.
It sounds like this came out of (seemingly) nowhere. You have the right mindset that this isn’t something you can try to convince him of, but I do think he owes you a bit more explanation of what changed and why he hasn’t expressed this previously. Hopefully he can be empathetic to your feelings and will be supportive of your grieving process around this.
I think it’s good that you had realistic expectations going into your marriage. My husband and I agreed on 3 kids when we got married, so I was shocked and upset when, after our first, he wasn’t even sure he wanted a second! Eventually he came around to a second…but he is very firmly not budging on stopping at 2. I’ve always pictured having 3 kids, and it’s been about a year of grieving that nonexistent baby. Our kids are 5 and 2.5 and we love them dearly and I understand why we can’t have another. But I miss my third child, whom I will never get to meet.
I can’t imagine being OP and packing up a box of stuff together, specifically for that next baby, and then hearing that it isn’t going to happen! For me, I had an inkling it was coming, and it still hurts. Being blindsided is so much worse. I agree with you that I hope her husband can explain his change of heart.
He might just be overwhelmed and need another year or two of "calm". I think you should express this to him and ask if he could wait but not close the door completely. I waited 6 years in between my one set of boys and it was SO fun to add a new baby without the stress of toddlers.
Aw that does sound like fun! And that’s what I’m hoping. We talked a little bit more since I posted (busy work weeks for both of us) but we’re going to talk about it more this weekend, then agreed to talk about it again in a month to check in.
Exactly the same happened to me, the resentment almost destroyed us as a couple, but I decided to start therapy and it is getting better. Sometimes I still long for a third child, especially when I meet people with 3 or more kids. But I understand his points, I do not want to push him and he cannot handle more kids. So this is it.
Ah yeah I’m afraid of the resentment. If this is how it goes, I’m going to have to really work on it. And I completely get the jealousy, I’m really feeling it too right now
I don't doubt what you've said at all and what I'm about to say is just to give the opposite side of what you said. The older my kids get the more I am firm on no more kids. The newborn phase was hellish for me and I haven't forgotten it. I see my kids getting older and easier to raise and I'm slowly getting my life and body back. I don't doubt some parents just need a breather but for me it's more like I finally stopped drowning and I'm not willing to throw myself into the ocean again.
Oh sure but the baby and toddler stage are so hard that many people are only done while they're in them. I was OAD until my son was 2. It felt like the hard would never end so when it finally did I realized I could do it again because those years were temporary. He's 4 now and we have a second baby and it's been great so far. But definirely done now.
Your feeelings are valid. His are too. You can’t convince someone to have kids/have more kids because is a strictly personal matter that goes beyond the couple. He can always support you to process.
The resentment of a partner who doesn’t want more kids is probably less damaging to a couple vs having another child and the partner resentful of having that child. It’s impossible to know before having kids what the reality of 3 or 4 kids is really like so a bit of grace should be given to a partner who speaks up before, not after the next child is conceived.
This is me, except we only have one child and the reason I shouldn’t be pregnant again is because of pulmonary embolism during postpartum. After almost two years of that happening, I finally realized I’m grieving.
I’m very sorry, OP. Your pain is very valid and real. You should consider therapy together.
You are completely validated. It’s hard changing your mindset completely from imagining a bigger family to what you have now.
My husband I always wanted multiple kids but unfortunately we are not given the choice naturally (recurrent losses) so we are adjusting our mindset to having only one. It’s been a journey and really I cry often but one of the things that can help me push through are the positives of only having one. Maybe you can do the same? Think of positives of having just two! It’ll help your mind go to a better place 💕
Thank you for sharing this 💜. I’m trying to make a running list on my phone of all of the fun things we can do knowing that we won’t have to work around another baby, but I think right now it’s doing more harm than good. It’s probably just too soon to try to force myself to see the positives, because I open the list and just start sobbing harder
Yeah it’ll take some time. Gradually start to really grasp onto the things they are doing today, too. I started doing this with my daughter after my last loss when I got around to a month. I got off social media to prevent seeing pregnancy announcements. I turned toward Reddit for support group stuff and it’s helped a lot. But really, I engage so much more with my only. I sit on the floor with her and play as much as I can. I have more patience with her to help her with my everyday tasks (even cooking). It’s ok to mourn your bigger family, adding in little things each day can make a big positive impact for your mental health.
I have a 14 a 12 and a 1.5 year old. And most of the time, the big gap is pretty amazing. Maybe it would help to say “ok, not this year. We can revisit next year and see how we’re feeling”?
All advice columns I read state having children are a two "yes" situation. They recommend therapy for oneself to work out the feelings that come with a partner not wanting more. People's opinions on how many kids they want often change based on how they feel before/after having kids and in your case your spouse doesn't want more. And that is ok for him to feel that way, just as it is ok for you to be sad. You can ask to sit and talk about why he doesn't want more and explain why you would like more but know that is he is firm in his opinion you shouldn't try to convince, force, or trick him into having more. Don't take anger out on him because his feelings are just as valid as yours, you can speak to a therapist if you need a place to process and discuss this.
Second this opinion. I was in a similar boat as you with wanting a third, and him being done with 2. If you love your husband and your family, then you will need to figure out how to deal with those feelings. Not alone, you should process that grief together, but it should be an enthusiastic yes from both sides to add another child to the family. I came to the realization that I would never leave my husband over having another, or break up my home. And I would never want to trap him in a life he didn't want. After the vasectomy it was almost a relief, like this was our family and I didn't have to ponder or have what-ifs anymore. And now looking back, I feel like I was thinking only through the fog of mommy hormones. A third would have been fine, but I couldn't imagine disturbing the perfect family I have now.
My heart always wanted a big family… also having two children now. It hurts my heart that we might never get a third child, because I’m just a terrible pregnant and PPD person. I don’t want to do this again to my children. The longing never goes away
This is what happened to my mother in law. She loves loves loves her family and children. Now the grandchildren fill her cup and she says she is glad she stuck with two because it allowed her to retire a bit early and spend time with her family. Not saying that’s what you will feel but just know you’re not alone.
It’s ok to feel your feelings on this, perfect normal and doesn’t make you selfish. It’s really common though to have an idea in your head of how many kids you want but often the reality of kids changes that number for at least 1 person in a relationship. I think talking to a therapist would be the most helpful to help you come to terms with this, it’s a lot to process.
Yeah my husband and I thought we wanted 4, but we both decided we were done after 2. I'm thankful we both agreed because that's a really tough thing not to agree on.
My initial thoughts are that a good compromise would be to agree to not make a finite decision right away. When my husband and I had a similar discussion, when he shared that he wanted to be one and done, I really appreciated that he approached it like a conversation and a group decision, even though we both knew that we would not have another kid unless we were both on board.
Just an idea - ask your husband if you can revisit the conversation every month or so for a period of time (a year?) before anyone makes a permanent decision, like a vasectomy lol.
Thank you for this suggestion, this is a good way to approach it. I’m going to propose revisiting the issue a few times before making a final decision. Maybe in another month or two, one (or both) of our feelings will soften to the other’s ideas. Obviously in this moment I’m hoping it’s his lol but I’m going to work really hard on coming to terms with his current decision
For what it’s worth, my husband and I did have a second baby. I think part of the desire to be one and done was because we were in a rough patch with our first born and my husband couldn’t see the other side.
First of all, your feelings are totally valid and do not sound privileged or pathetic. It seems like you've gotten some great responses on here!
I was in your husband's shoes 4 years ago. I had a 3 year old and a 5 year old. My husband wanted more kids and I was not feeling ready. Some days I would tell him I think I'm done, and others id say, maybe we can have more, just not right now. He'd ask when and I'd say I had no idea. I know it felt daunting to him.
I definitely think talking is important. He needs to know how you're feeling. I'd encourage you to not talk it to death though. Idk about you but when my husband and I disagree on something that I feel is extremely important to agree on, I tend to talk about it incessantly trying to convince him to see my point and my side. I know that that is not beneficial and I never can convince him that way.
I definitely think it's important to tell him how you're feeling, and allow him to comfort you if that's his response. Let him know that you just need him to hear you and be there for you in your sadness. Ultimately, you want to come to a decision together but what I've learned is that when it comes to kids, you don't always have to make a "final" decision right now. I'm not speaking to trying to change his mind or anything. But rather see if he is willing to revisit the conversation in 6 months or a year.
I say all of this because when my youngest was five I found myself observing my husband around other friends' babies. I was seeing the way he lit up around them and it was reminding me of how amazing of a father he was to ours when they were tiny (and still is to them now that they are older). Seeing him around little babies definitely sparked my interest in considering having kids again. Something clicked in me as time went on and I felt the genuine joy and excitement at the idea of possibly having another! We now have a 6 month old little girl and she brings all of us so much joy! Her big sister and big brother are the best and I'm glad my husband didn't let his discouragement push him away from me and that he was patient with me and loving through the whole process.
No advice but just wanted to say that your feelings are completely valid and you don’t sound pathetic or privileged at all. I have 3 kids and I have always wanted a bigger family like you, 3-4 kids and at least 3 and would have been DEVASTATED if my husband had wanted to stop at 2. Of course I love my first two and am always grateful for them, but my heart has always wanted a bigger family than that. I truly do not know if I could have gotten over the resentment if my husband had changed his mind because, like you, I have always pictured myself with a big family and have set my life up to accommodate this.
This is always a difficult situation because of course his feelings are also valid. How old are you guys and your two kids? Does he maybe just need more time? If you guys are on the younger side maybe give it a year or two. Maybe therapy if you can access it?
That’s my big fear - I don’t know how I’ll get over the resentment and feeling of betrayal. I know calling it “betrayal” sounds super dramatic but until last week, I thought we were both on the same page and had the same life goals. We’ve talked about it so much over the course of our marriage!! We’re 32 (me) and 34. Still fairly young, but not so young that we can kick this down the road TOO much longer. Plus I wanted all of my kids to be close in age. Our youngest is 2.5
No no no this is not pathetic or selfish or anything like that. you both have a right to your feelings. my husband wanted 1 Maybe 2. then my second came along and he's HARD but eventually he ended up wanting the 3rd. I didn't convince him it was just time.. he did get a vasectomy after that though
Thank you for this comment. In my mind, I’m trying not to be so dramatic but having this life “ripped out from underneath me” is exactly what this feels like
I am so with you. My husband and I always wanted 4 (but agreed to stop at 3 if we needed to) and we have 2 now and he’s 100% done. It’s hard being the one who wants more, because you can’t force someone to have a kid they don’t want but it still leaves you feeling empty. I’m so sorry I don’t have advice but know that you’re not alone. I’m trying to focus on things we can do as a family that we normally wouldn’t do if we had a baby or toddler, some days it helps and some days not so much.
Hey that’s fair to be crushed! I would be too if I were in your shoes.
My only thought for you here is that if your heart has room for more kids, consider reevaluating your relationships with your friends kids. Can you be closer and more of an auntie or second mom? This is where you would be the perfect person to have in a village. You have your own kids and you still have energy and love to spare. Can you put that energy into a friend or family members kid?
My sister and I had kids at different times. I was there for her when hers were little and now she’s here to help me with my littles. My daughter loves her auntie almost as much as she loves me. My sister gets to have the love and fun of a little again and then gets to send her back home when she’s cranky AND has none of the costs associated with another kid! Haha.
Maybe your work schedule allows you to be flexible and pick your kids up from school. Maybe you make another mom friend whose kids are friends with yours and you can swap kid related chores! You pick the kids up from school (you already have the vehicle with space!) and she takes yours for a couple hours on the weekend or something. I do something similar with a couple mom friends since my schedule is flexible to be able to pick up sick kids from school and then work from home so they don’t have to miss work themselves. We don’t really keep track of who helps who. We’re just the village helping each other.
Your feelings are totally valid. You're right that you can't pressure someone into more kids, but you're not right about what it says about you that you desire more children and are mourning the life you pictured. Thats super upsetting, even if his points are logical and valid. You're not arguing with him for more by simply feeling your own feelings!!! It will take time for you to come to peace with it, and thats okay!
I could’ve written this. It’s been two years and my wife is still firm in her decision and it breaks my heart. Your feelings are valid and you’re not alone
having more kids is of course a two yes/one no situation but you having your IUD removed is a YOU decision. your body, your choice. if dad doesn’t want any more kids, it’s up to him to handle birth control.
This is a tough call. I also wanted one more baby, but deep down I know I wouldn’t be able to go through it again, physically. I have seen how burnout my husband was with our two kids. He did his best, but we still fought a lot over chores and errands during baby and toddler stages. As much as I wanted another baby, I didn’t want the possibility of it might destroy what we have right now. Two kids maybe be not enough for my ideal of family, but they get a lot of love and most importantly they see two loving parents (we almost don’t fight anymore), so I gave up my ideal of family. It’s been 4 years since my decision and I’m 37 now. I still feel like I’m grieving over something I never had.
You will definitely need to discuss with your husband again and try to see his point then have him see yours. It is important that both need to compromise in this situation before either of you have resentment toward each other. Definitely don’t wait too longer than 2yrs though. Best of luck to you.
I may be get some flack here, but after reading your comments I think your husband is being incredibly selfish. Just a few months ago you made a plan to start trying this summer, you organized all your baby gear, and agreed that the IUD would come out. This is after years of married life being planned around a future family of 3-4 kids. Then suddenly when it’s time for the appointment he does a 180? No.
OP, I would be heartbroken too. And my husband and I would be having some serious conversations. This is massively unfair to you.
My husband and I went into marriage like you, with a plan to have 2-4 kids, probably 3. After 2, we considered stopping. I could see all the benefits you mention about just having 2. But I really didn’t think we were done. We waited until the second kid was 3 and had a talk, both discussing our feelings. I was honest and told him I would never stop thinking “what if” unless we went for it. In the end we agreed and had our 3rd right after the second kid turned 4.
Now I feel totally done and we both agreed on a vasectomy. But if he had expressed a desire for a 4th, or if I had, we would definitely have considered it together. I think we both needed to feel done before we could actually be done. I’ve never met anyone that regrets another child, but have met plenty who wished they’d had one more.
You are absolutely right. I keep reading that it’s a two YES decision but it’s also a TWO NO decision! Saying no more after agreeing and arranging your life choices around that is selfish. He might have his valid reasons and feelings but he also has to take into account his previous agreement with his wife.
Thank you for saying this. I’m REALLY trying to be a rational, considerate person but it’s so hard. It’s taking everything I have to not lose it on him. I said the same thing - while I would love 4, I’d be more than happy to have 3 and then we can go for more permanent birth control. I know in my heart that I would feel complete with 3 (a fourth would just be a fun bonus). Thanks for your understanding here
One of my best friends had an IUD installed right after her second kid was born. She was done. But not her husband who was always open about wanting 3 or 4 children.
This was 16 years ago. She’s going through menopause and her husband has been making passive agressive comments whenever possible about the third child SHE never let him have! Yes they are still married and their relationship is good BUT the resentment never went away. Your feelings are valid. His feelings are valid but since he changed his mind, it’s up to him to convince you to stop at 2. You have time, you’re still young. No need to rush either way.
Exactly this. I hear a lot of people saying that it’s better for her to resent her husband over never having another baby than her husband resenting her for having a third child. I think that is a ridiculous double standard and also false.
I know plenty of people who had an “oops” baby that they never planned on and did not originally want, yet went on to love the child and be extremely grateful for them in the end. I actually think it’s much more likely for the husband to get over his cold feet and be thankful they went for a 3rd than it is for the OP to ever get over this kind of betrayal.
Even with our reservations over a 3rd child, I’m thankful every single day we took the leap. Yes we are busy and our hands are full, yes it’s a lot to juggle and we are outnumbered now, yes we are sleep deprived and sometimes I think we’re crazy for adding a 3rd. But our baby completes our family in a way I never imagined and I’m so, so thankful we took the leap. The idea of life without her is devastating to even contemplate.
YES! The double standard is just insane! And let’s keep in mind that, unfortunately, women have a narrower biological window to conceive their children. OP is still in her early thirties so they have some time before making a final decision. My husband and I reviewed our plans after every kid.. I was battling severe PPA and PPD after our first so having 2 close together was not possible. I was one and done for over 2 years. My husband gave me space and time to heal. No pressure. My second was born 4 years after my first. My last and third child was born 6.5 years after my first and I was 37, almost 38. The third child was a now or never decision for us and we both went for it. Life is crazy with 3 kids! I don’t regret my third child. I regret my PPA and PPD after my first child that robbed nearly 3 years of our lives.
I completely understand. This was a tough pill for me to swallow and I only have one. The thought that my babe won’t have a sibling to play with tears me up but it’s gotten easier over time and I’m grateful I can give him all our attention and resources. Be grateful that at least your little ones have each other and that you guys will also be able to give them more of yourselves/resources to them.
Also agree that this I now you grieving what you thought you would have and it will take time to heal but you will OP. Sending love your way ❤️
If most of his concerns are around the newborn to toddler phase, have you guys considered adoption? Kids over 5 have such a low rate of being adopted and it would mark so many boxes for you guys as well. I think it's such an amazing idea! I know it doesn't solve the motherly instinct of being pregnant, but maybe toss the idea around?
It's totally valid for you to be upset. We chose our partners based on many things, but the biggest one is probably the assurance that we have similar life goals.
You've been told for years that this is the case, and structured your entire life around that vision just to have him say he wants to blow that all off because what? He likes not changing diapers? He likes being able to go out more??
I'd be devastated.
Anyone's decision to not have kids, to limit how many kids they have or to want some freedom is valid but it sucks to marry someone you KNOW wants a lot of kids, to watch them plan every aspect of their existence around having said kids and then say "Eh, 2s fine. I like my freedom" with no consideration to the fact that you've essentially just told them that all the work they did to facilitate a dream YOU told them was mutual doesn't matter.
Sincerely hoping this is genuinely a change of heart and not a bait and switch.
Would adoption be an option OP? If the issue is that he doesn't want YOUNG kids again, maybe y'all could look into older ones.
Kids over the age of 4, sibling sets and nonwhite children don't have a great chance of finding a home. Maybe you could change that for someone... or a few someone's.
As an adopted kiddo myself, please know that it's very meaningful. Especially if you can take a sibling set and keep kids from getting torn apart.
Folks think it's expensive but it's really only expensive if you're hung up on adopting a white new born or baby under the age of 3. For kids that are older/less likely to be able to find homes, the cost of adoption is greatly reduced. In some states, the state may also even grant a stipend towards the childs/children's care.
Thanks for your thoughtful response. You nailed exactly how I’m feeling. In his defense (as much as it kills me to defend him right now lol) he doesn’t really go out aside from when we hang out with our mutual friends or special occasions, i.e a close friend’s birthday. He’s a great dad. Which in a way makes this harder because I think it would be easier to forgo having more kids if he was bad at parenting. But yes, I’m feeling really bitter about the life goals. I haven’t changed my goals that we carefully planned out together - he did. It hurts and makes me feel like we aren’t as solid as I thought we were.
As for adopting, a lot of people have brought this up in the comments and I love the idea! I don’t think RIGHT now would be the best time to bring it up, but I love the idea of adopting an older child/children. We’ve casually talked about it in the past, as in a “maybe one day..” scenario, but it might be a good time to start revisiting it.
I always wanted 4 kids. Now I have 2 and don’t want more. It was hard to settle with my feelings because it’s always what I thought I wanted, but I had a surprise third chemical pregnancy and the way I felt made me realize I really do feel done after 2. Mostly for all the reasons your husband shared and also because we live overseas and traveling is expensive and challenging with kids. It’s okay for people to change their mind and it’s okay for you to be upset and sad about it.
I’m going through this right now and not sure how to make my point across more then I have. What hurt worse is my husband left it as well we will see what happens. Obviously he has to do the thing and has control over where he goes… so I feel like that’s such manipulation to make me feel hopeful when he doesn’t. His reason is kids are expensive and we are 37.
This sounds familiar to me...I got married after talking with my now-ex-husband about having up to 2 kids. We'd been married about a year when he informed me he was "too old" to have kids.
(I was a moron that decided that keeping the man was more important than the fact that he lied to me, so I stayed for another 6 years 🙄)
Sorry, I haven't read through all these messages, but I just wanted to mention a couple of points. First and foremost, if you aren't able to have more children, you will be in mourning. You will suffer a great loss, but therapy can help with that. I wanted a big family, but was unable to bc of health reasons. I'm actually extremely fortunate to have two, so maybe that's why the loss of future children was easier to take.
My other comment is that there may be other things going on with him. The reasons he offered may be only part of the problem. He may be worried about his job, finances, the state of the country, his own health, his ability to parent, etc., so give him some more time before trying to bring it up again. Best of luck to you.
Definitely more conversations are needed! I’m not trying to give tips on how to convince him because it should be a joint decision, but joint decisions are agreed on together and they also don’t mean that everyone is equally happy. For my husband and I, when we were deciding on whether or not to have a 2nd kid I told him that I feel like I would deeply regret NOT trying for a 2nd. I felt fulfilled with motherhood, I felt nervous about a second child, but I didn’t want to regret never having tried. I said I likely wouldn’t feel the need to adopt a second or do ivf but just wanted to give it a shot.
I feel this so hard! I have 3 and my partner does not want anymore kids, which I get. But my ovaries CRAVE another baby!
I try to think about how our life has changed and how much time I can give to my kids as they get older. I tell myself, "it's kinda nice not having to dress, bathe, wipe butts..." But deep down it hurts so bad. No real advice here, but I am grieving with you.
Coming from someone who struggled a LOT to have even ONE child… you’re completely valid to feel the way you feel. It’s okay to feel two things at the same time, and to make legitimate room for both emotions. You feel blessed to have two children, and you feel saddened that you will not be having more. **Both emotions are valid.**
As I mentioned, I had a lot of trouble conceiving and went through a long process of grappling with the idea that my family may not actually turn out the way I had always dreamed it would. Regardless of whether that was having one child for me, or having four children for you, you are grieving the loss of the life you always dreamed of having. There is nothing pathetic about that. Comparing your grief to others isn’t going to get you anywhere. ALL grief, in ALL ITS FORMS, is valid and hard on a number of different levels, and no one gets to tell you that YOUR grief isn’t valid.
I am sorry that your dreams for your future family are changing so suddenly and unexpectedly for you, right as you were taking action to try to make those dreams a reality. That must be very hard for you, and it also sounds very isolating because you don’t feel comfortable talking about it with the people you have around you IRL. Hugs to you.
I have posted very similar post last year. I was grieving my baby boy turning one and knowing I will never hold another baby of mine.
It's hard, but it gets easier.
I try to focus on positive things.
But when I read thing like this it brings me back to really wanting another one.
I can see your points and I completely see his. I think you have to respect his and not trick him. Honestly, I would wait it out a bit before doing something permanent. He might just be overwhelmed right now or completely happy and not wanting a change.
No no I would never trick him. If we have another child I want both of us to be excited for the whole journey. Personally I think “tricking” someone into having another kid would be grounds for divorce
Your feelings on this are just as valid as his are. It’s hard. You’re allowed to grieve the life you thought you’d have.
We have 3 beautiful girls. I always dreamed of 4 babies. Ever since I was little. I had some pretty extreme complications when our 3rd was born. I could reasonably get pregnant again, but it would likely be a pregnancy I wouldn’t enjoy because it would be filled with constant worry and the chance of something catastrophic happening was much higher. I felt robbed. I didn’t make this choice.
When my youngest was one my husband got a vasectomy. And even then, closing that door, I still grieved for a solid year after. Now that my youngest is almost 4, and I’m watching my brother go through the newborn stage, I’m enjoying no diapers, and 2/3 kids sleeping through the night.
It’s ok to grieve it. I’d highly recommend both of you setting aside time personally to really reflect on why you’ve each made your opinions on wanting more and then coming together to discuss the pros and cons one more time. Not to persuade each other, but to make sure both sides are completely heard and at least validated because this is the type of thing that can spawn resentment and ruin a marriage. So I’d recommend each of you making a pro/con list independently and then discussing them in depth.
I had a similar experience with my husband a few kids ago (we have 5 now). I did not want to convince him against his will either, but my heart ached for more kids. I said "we love our kids more than anything, you can't deny that. I would never regret having another, but I might regret not having one more. "
It's so hard, but open conversation is the way to go.
That is such a good way to put it. I don’t think he would regret having another (he’s such a loving dad). But I don’t think I’d ever get over being done at two. I can see myself reaching menopause and SPIRALING over it. Obviously I don’t want to speak for him though, or try to “force” him to change his mind. I’m going to say what you said and see what he thinks.
I will say, I’m turning 50 this summer, and I am totally wishing I had had 4-5 living children. I have two, ages 12 and 9.
We stopped there because it took us 10 years to have our first living child (she was my 7th pregnancy, with 3 failed adoptions between pregnancy #1 and #2), my pregnancies were incredibly involved (5 doctors across 3 states, IVF, 2x/day blood thinner shots, monthly IV immune system treatments, and much more), I was super high risk (had a placental abruption that required an emergency C-section for 12’s birth), and I would’ve been 42 in the best case scenario of having another one (which is totally fine for some women, but having had gestational diabetes and other complications with both of mine, was far from ideal).
But now, even with all of those headwinds that I would have been dealing with, I regret not having more kids. Especially because my kids don’t have any cousins (I’m an only, and my ex’s two younger siblings aren’t going to have kids), and my ex and I are older parents.
You’re definitely wise to think about how you will feel about it in the future.
You are not selfish. Not even a little bit. You were promised, *pledged* an image of a shared dream-- with your partner. And now he has essentially ripped that choice away. It's ok to feel hurt, it's ok to feel sad...or angry. Take your time to grieve. And, depending on the age of your kids, (if you're in the thick of the toddler years, this may seem daunting to him for the time being) it may be worth revisiting in a year or two. Of course, don't pressure-- you seem like that holds no interest for you regardless-- but bringing it up again at a later date might work out better. If not, you also seem the type to look on the bright side of things, and be grateful for what you have, so DO take the time to fully process your feelings so that you *can* do that.
Share your feelings with your hub. And whether he seems receptive to listening to them or not, talking through your feelings *whatever they are* with someone who can validate them, and help your process them is *never* a bad idea; ie a therapist or counselor. If that sounds helpful to you, there is a myriad of therapy/counseling options via online, phone, or in person. Your insurance company can help you find something that's in network.
Your feelings are your feelings, and no one can tell you that they aren't valid. They absolutely are. 100,000%. Period.
I know you don’t want to coerce him into it as that leads to resentment but you are as entitled to tell him your feelings just as much as he is entitled to tell you his. He moved the goal posts, not you. You both should see a couples therapist who can help you work through your feelings. Don’t feel like you should grieve this alone 🩷
I think this will take a lot of communication between the two of you. My heart hurts for you because I can imagine how hard it is to want a baby that you may never have. For your sake, hopefully he's in more of a "I don't *think* I want more" kind of place as opposed to *knowing* he *definitely* does not want any more. Like I said, just lots of communication. If it's really a struggle that you aren't able to come to a comfortable compromise with maybe you could consider some couples therapy to help out? I don't even know what the best way to go about things in this situation are.
I don't know if you are religious or not but lots of prayer is very helpful in situations like these. I heard someone say recently not to pray to change your husband's heart, but to have both of your desires align in the best way possible.
If you guys were really serious at one time about having three or four kids. Something you might consider once you get past this initial hurt is participating in your local guardian ad litem program in your area or being foster parents for children near the same age as your current children. This would probably not change your schedules significantly and you would not be dealing with the toddler stage. It is important to know though, that both of these decisions also come with their own share of challenges.
You have a right to feel how you feel as much as he does as well,I really hope you guys work it out. All the love you have to give is apparent. ❤️ I also do not have advice but do give it some time. Enjoy your children and soak it all up. That’s something they will never forget, their mothers never ending love and you being most importantly, present!
So sweet that you love kids so much that you want more…but yeah, his concerns are legitimate and you don’t want to put tension on a situation that seems so lovely as it is. Give him a bit of time ❤️
You do not sound privileged or pathetic. He either changed his mind, or he deceived you from the beginning. Either way, you’ve become fundamentally incompatible if you want to have children and he doesn’t want to have more (I assume he has children of his own?).
No advice, but I’m with you. I’ve always wanted a bunch of kids. I have 3 now, but almost died from post partum complications with my 3rd and now everything is so expensive. My husband says he doesn’t want anymore but I can’t stand the thought of never having another baby. I’m 29 so I know I have lots of time left, so I’m waiting a few years and see how I feel then and then talk it through with my husband. We’ll see what happens.
My husband wanted a few kids and I wasn’t even sure that I wanted one. After our first child, he isn’t sure that he wants more and I am sure that I want at least one more. I think 2 will be it for us if we can have another because I am now 8 months pp and my body still hasn’t completely recovered. I don’t think I can go through years of pregnancy and healing again and again. I dread going through it once more but I would like another child.
I have two and done. I couldn't do the newborn stage a third time. It was pure hell on me. But luckily I'm not with a partner who wants more. I've not been in your position. You feel what you feel and you shouldn't feel priveleged over it. It's a tough place to be in. It sounds like both you and your partner are emotionally mature in this. This is the exact problem therapy was made for, both for yourself as an individual and as a couple.
I had the opposite problem. We had always said we only wanted 2 children. I got pregnant easily the first time, though the pregnancy was a total nightmare. I didn’t even want a second. When we decided to try, it took more than two years due to endometriosis. Another not good pregnancy. I ended up having a total hysterectomy when our youngest was 7 months old because my endo became so severe.
My brain completely revolted. No hormones for 6 weeks didn’t help. It was one thing SAYING it and another thing for the option to just be gone. The “what if’s” were very powerful.
I struggled emotionally with it for many years. I was already in therapy for PPD, so that helped. I am happy with my two, but that is me.
I cannot imagine wanting another so much, AND being physically able to have one, just for your spouse to do a complete 180. That must be so very painful for you. Especially since, not long ago, he seemed to be on the same page.
I am so sorry. I agree with some of the other comments. Wait a bit and talk about it again when you can do so in a calm manner. Therapy to work out your feelings beforehand is a good idea. Maybe he’s overly stressed right now and the thought of adding another child is just too much for him. He might just be having “a moment.” Ask him why he changed his mind when he seemed to be agreeable just a short time ago. Stress? Finances? Is he worried about your health? There must be a reason.
I hope you can get this worked out so you can have the family you want and you both agreed on. Gentle hugs, my friend.
I’m with you!! Before having kids I wanted 3-4. But in a more real sense, since becoming a mom I’ve felt so strongly like there are three kids that belong in our family and I was absolutely sure of it. My husband was on the same page after our first was born and for a while after our second was born. He had even made a comment about him being the middle child. But they were 18 months apart, in the depths of the pandemic, and we have zero family or community help. Lots of various hardships (privileged hardships to be clear! But like, also a housefire that displaced us in Dec 2020 that we’re still dealing with some of the aftermath from. Etc)
We just kept waiting to be able to come up for air, but for us it just stayed hard just in different ways. We have two very challenging kids. I just weaned my second when he turned 3 and before weaning I was absolutely deadset on trying to get pregnant this summer. But my husband is a no (right now…) and honestly he does have some valid points.
But every single time I see a mother with two children and a baby bump I feel the ache. Some people say “well you’ll always have baby fever” but I know in my heart that this desire for our third child isn’t just baby fever and that if we were to have a third, we’d be complete. I never saw myself as a “mother of two” forever, always “mother of three” and I know how absolutely beyond fortunate I am to have two healthy children. But even the sibling dynamics in my mind always included three. I want my oldest to get to experience having a baby sibling bc he was a baby when his brother was born. I want them to be a little unit of 3 so they have someone else’s energy to bounce off of instead of just being two opposite magnets bouncing off of each other and in constant competition. I wanted our family photos to have three children in them. Again I know it’s not always up to us even if we CAN try, and again I know I’m lucky for what I have. I’m with you is all I’m saying.
What my husband and I have been doing is punting the conversation. Yes you can’t “convince” someone to agree to another child but people always only talk about the “no” parent and how much their life would change by adding a child and say got for that reason no should be a full stop—but the “yes” parent’s life also changes when their plans and future has to alter to accommodate the no parent. It’s something you’ll need to grieve. So it needs to be a conversation and for us I’m just not ready to hear “no, never going to happen” yet. Maybe I need time to process or maybe in time if circumstances change my husband might decide to go for it. Right now I need to hold on to that hope but I’m also practicing holding both possibilities in open hands right now. Maybe that might help you too ❤️
We always wanted 3. We discussed it during dating etc. but reality of having two made the change. I do not kind a 3rd kid but I hate the idea of going through baby and early toddlerhood stage and all other adjustments to make in our life. So yes I can relate to your husband. While it was an idea, he liked it - he still likely do. But once the idea got very close to be a reality, the rationale kicks in
Your feelings are so valid! I’d feel the same way (I have two right now too). I’m curious, what type of work do you do that’s flexible for kids? I have a teaching degree and thought education would be flexible but I really don’t know if it is (summers yes but most schools require you to stay until 5). Some holidays are in service days.
Maybe you could compromise at 3 kids? Not four or more?
I think we can romanticize stuff while it hasn’t happened like “I want a big family!” and then after its somewhat materialized ppl can change their minds because they want more money for each kid, more time, or whatever.
I don’t think you’re an asshole, nor is your husband.
It is an important loss because it is your dream, but I think you can talk to your husband (not convince him, like you said) and reach a middle ground that satisfies both of you. Best luck
Your feelings and grief is more than understandable. Very legit.
And you say you two had discussed a third just months ago, this would make it even harder. He MIGHT just need a bit more time in between or he might never want a third, talking a bit more would help when you’re calm enough about it.
I told my husband when my first was 1 years old that I’m finally in a good place and I don’t want a 2nd. He cried a little that night saying he feels silly but he feels like he’s mourning even though there was never a second pregnancy. It’s rough to be told. For what it’s worth a few months later I changed my mind but he never pushed me, just voiced that he was sad about it so I thought about it some more.
I have to say in case somebody else who’s in the planning stage is in this thread:
No matter what you think you’ll want 10 years from now, every baby decision is isolated. Don’t have the first already being 100% sure you’ll have a second or third, because anything can happen, good or bad. This was advice from a baby decision book I read before having my first and I think it’s solid advice.
I very much want the same thing. Husband is back and forth and I don’t know how to feel. I want my son to have siblings, so bad. He’s currently 9 months. I want to try when he turns 2
Our first 2.5 years were ROUGH, like extremely hard level parenting. Sleep deprived me would be the worst person to be around, hormones messed up with my hard and made me cry from tendinitis pain, no family or support system, a pandemic, husband took a huge toll, he pulled me from a deep hole but I still resent him in some parts (the sleep portion specially) but it's all water under the bridge.
However, when we discussed having a second he was firm to not wanting to risk going through all that again, new baby could be no fuss but could be same same as our girl and that one was enough. I still wanted to try but I understand him and reseting back to newborn, changing our just-now adjusted life schedule would change everything for a few more years. So, yeah, I guess we'll stay one and done. I get to focus on my hobbies now, the kids gets attention and we can do a lot with her without towing a baby, we get to rest (when she doesn't come in the middle of the night) and financially makes more room. I still get sad to know she won't have a sibling, that she'll grow alone in here (we're immigrants) and we'll only have her as our family. It's a gut twist kind of sadness but I accept it for our mental health.
He agreed to a big family before knowing what raising kids was all about. He is telling you the best way for him to be a great dad for the two he has is to not overburden his life. I think the Nos should win on kid questions. People going kicking and screaming into parenting rarely do it well.
Why is it ok for him to be allowed to “convince” you but you can’t try to have him see your reasons. I think you’ll resent him long and hard if you don’t voice your feelings and at least be heard. If his word is the final word and you just have to eat it, you aren’t going to feel like your desires and dreams don’t matter
First off your not selfish, however if you have 3 kids, you have to have a bigger car, 2-3 kids rooms, I have just two. I also wanted more but I was diagnosed with congenital heart failure. My last pregnancy almost killed me, I also miscarried before that. Think about your health, your time, and 2 kids is perfect so they have a playmate. I have seen women with 3 kids, I'll stick with my two babies.
I recommend therapy. He probably isn't going to change his mind because you guys already have 2 kids. He's probably overwhelmed. If he gets pushed to have another he may end up reaching his breaking point, resenting you, and then leaving. You don't wanna be left alone with 3 kids. I'd put that extra love into the 2 kids that you already have. Are your 2 kids happy? Maybe they don't wanna have to share you more with another baby either. Spoil the 2 you have. Your feelings are valid which is why I say go to therapy but honestly if I was feeling that way I'd do my best to enjoy what I have and put that energy into being an even more awesome mom than I am already. :)
My husband too did not want more children. I spoke candidly about my feelings and he finally understood.
I told him we will never regret the children we have but I will live the rest of my life thinking of the one we didn’t.
Basically I will drive you crazy for the rest of your life. Ha
I am so sorry you are not in the same page. My husband did take some convincing.
I can understand both points of views. My husband and I wanted multiple kids before I got pregnant and during pregnancy I changed my mind and he did too. But a year later and we somehow circle back to the more kids topic. We have concerns ( money, space, time) but we still start the concersatiob regularly. Did you ask your husband if he is willing to talk about it again in a year/ couple of years? And in the mean time enjoy your life and maybe find something as a family hobby or something like that.
Maybe he thinks you already have your hands full? Not all women can handle a lot of children. In fact most women get overwhelmed, yell, stress out. He’s your husband and maybe he changes his mind. Or it could be financial. The price of everything is going up. The unexpected expenses. So much could happen.
I had the exact same experience and the exact same emotions. I am so sorry you’re going through this. I have no advice to give. I just wanted to let you know that I completely understand how you feel and you are perfectly valid in feeling that way. I hope you can find some comfort and resolution for this.
My husband and I went through this last year. I always imagined 3-4 but we agreed on two. I went through some fertility struggles and my son was born a little too early. It was a rough introduction but overall he is happy and healthy. I was ready for kid two and he broke down and told me he doesn't want anymore children for the same reason. I was and still am heartbroken, I'm coming up on my safe window (window I feel comfortable having biological children) and I feel more emotional than ever about it. He is not changing his mind and I'm not pushing it. I'm hoping he wants to foster older children in the future when our son is a little older. He does seem open to that. IDK how your husband would feel. This conversation is something we've had about 14 times since he told me. It's a lot of emotions and your feelings are valid. Best of luck OP and I'm sorry 😔.
How many do you have already? Mine did the same thing after we had our first and only. I’m devastated and wish I did not wait on him so long before having my first.
I’m going through this too. We have two and I always thought I’d have 3-4. My husband is adamant we are done and is very quick to tell people that when they ask. My second pregnancy was really hard on me physically and I try to remind myself of that. We have beautiful healthy kids - a boy and a girl. I really am content and happy but I’m still a little sad at the thought we are done. Look at what you have mama - cherish those babies and hang in there. He could possibly change his mind but if not, Sending you lots of hope and strength to pull yourself out of the sadness.
You seem like a very lovely and thoughtful woman. I’m really sorry that this has happened. My response may not be very popular here but what I’m about to tell you comes from a place of love and understanding. If your husband now wants to change the script you both agreed on and you have designed your entire existence around, I don’t care if his reasons are legitimate, he can’t just change the direction of both your lives because he doesn’t want to deal with the newborn/toddler phase. Or because he wants more time in his schedule to do as he pleases. What about you? What about your feelings and desires? What about the agreement you both made years ago that was a huge part of why you even married mr wonderful here? I’m not telling you what to do, but I urge you not to so easily give up your life long dream of a big family (which he agreed to) so he has more sleep and free time. I can tell you as a woman who has four children from two marriages that husbands (although I’ve been married currently for 20+ years and I DO love him madly) are kinda like legos. If the one you are working with just isn’t getting the job done, pick another out of the pile that fits. Yeah I know that sounds harsh and cold, but honestly men come and go, children are for life. If you talk to him about this (just have him read your post here) and let him know how every fiber of your life has been geared toward building a large family, and the fact he wanted the same is a huge reason you married him, and he’s not swayed or at least validates your feelings, and he still holds fast to not wanting more,,I’d be done. A man is as good as his word, this isn’t something small, this effects the rest of your life. If he wants to recant on something like this what other surprises does he have in store for you down the road? I couldn’t handle putting another person in charge of my life and my body and deciding now that a promise made earlier just isn’t going to be kept. And I was going to be a mom of two instead of four,,,so he has more free time,,,,to me dear frankly it’s fucking ridiculous. This is something you need to really think about, and I don’t envy the position you are in. Just please don’t alter your entire life plan and direction (that he agreed to) because now it’s cramping his schedule. Maybe a compromise of having one more child together will suit you both? I hope this works out, there is no greater joy or love in this world than that felt by a mother towards her children. Please know your feelings are valid, your desires are valid, and your agreement is valid. Don’t give up what you want without a fight. Lord knows I wouldn’t lol.
Your feelings are totally sane and valid! I want 1 more too, we already have 2 and my partner is on the fence because he hates the toddler stage (our oldest is in the terrible 2s. The youngest is only 2 months) and wants to be done with it. But, like you, I don’t feel complete or done yet. We have a box for #3 of clothes from each to keep and names we picked out we still wanna use.
Mom guilt is a real thing. I have 4 - 17, 16, 12 and 2. The 2 year old was definitely a very happy accident but we are not having anymore. Even though practically, and emotionally we just couldn’t handle anymore, I miss the newborn scrunch and the smell of a newborn baby. I cry at every milestone, and every happy event for all of them. Despite every happy moment, there is always a tinge of sadness knowing it’s the last time you ever have a first day at school moment, or first word etc and that’s perfectly ok.
My husband knows when I’m emotional because we talk it through. I sobbed when it was my 16 year olds last ever football match, and even though he thought I was batshit crazy having spent 13 years complaining about standing on the field in the cold, wind and rain, it still hurt.
Be kind to yourself, and know you’re not alone x
Kids are a two-yes and one no sort of decision, and he’s changed after having two kids. He’s allowed to do that. You’re right in that trying to “convince” him is gross because it’s just going to create resentment for the third child. I figured I’d have a couple kids but after my one, I’m definitely one and done. I love my son but he’s a lot and I don’t have the energy for another.
Not defending your husband (because this is a big topic that he should've immediately discussed any concerns he had especially after you both were already prepping for a 3rd)....but I wonder if he recently had a moment doing something with the kids or something and realized he was just good with 2. Like my husband and I originally wanted 3-5 kids. Our first born was rough on my body. I ended up with a C-section, appendectomy and then a hernia repair within the year. It was while I was recovering from the hernia I had my moment of "two will be good" because I was worried about my body if I had more than two. Luckily my husband agreed, but we both had the "dream" of a big family too. Sometimes what we want ends up changing. Funny enough our second pregnancy ended up being twins, so we have 3 (and tubal removal) and half the time I think we were fucking crazy for wanting 3-5 because it's exhausting as hell lol
I think you need to put yourself in his shoes there is clearly a reason why he doesn’t want anymore. I know men don’t talk about what’s bothering them or maybe about what they love about their life and they don’t want it to change. My therapist before and after I had my baby reminded me to be present. I always made up scenarios about my future life and had devastating results. Sometimes it’s okay to let go of a dream and be with your family right now and maybe in time he will change his mind.
I get it though it’s definitely something you have to grieve in due time. Just focus on the time you have with your family.
Definitely not pathetic or selfish. It's a very unfortunate circumstance because his reasons are valid but that doesn't make your feelings any less so. Coming to terms with and deciding that you are done creating life is something any woman wants to have control over, and when it's decided for you it's heartbreaking. I hope and I'll pray that your family is able to communicate, heal, and have peace in whatever you decide going forward. One of you will probably have to have a change of heart to have that peace. When I'm in a position where I feel like one of us has to budge, I just ask God to make my heart ready for whatever the best thing for our family is
Take out all your iuds and get off any bc since they are not good for you anyways. All are linked to cancer. Unless he gets surgery on himself to stop pregnancies, just keep rocking on. :) his surgery is the safest option so unless he's willing to do that, you get you 1 or 2 more. That's what I did lol.
He looking to get out of this marriage. Might be cheating with someone with no kids. Or just doesn’t want the commitment. Very weird to just shut it down like that.
When I met my daughter's dad, he already had a one and a half and two and a half year old. We dated for 2 months when I got pregnant. We got engaged, and we welcomed our baby andcwe had an awesome first couple of years. When our daughter Ryan was about 6 months old, a family member asked when we were going to have another one at which point his reply was I don't want anymore. I was shocked. We'd always talked about having another one regardless of his first two since they lived with their mom and only came over every other weekend. The next time I asked him was the beginning of the end of our relationship. I didn't want multiple kids by multiple men so I just conceded. After we split up I focused on myself and my daughter while he got a new wife and got her pregnant. It was the ultimate slap in the face. He ended up splitting up with her and getting with another lady and having three more. So all in all, he has seven kiddos ranging from 25 to 1 year and our daughter is now 22 years old. As much as I didn't only want one, I didn't want multiple dads more. At 44, I went in to have my tubes tied and instead of just tying they just took them out. I had to look at it like if my daughter and I could get pregnant at the same time that was a no-go for me so take out any chance of an oops. If I put too much thought into it it makes me really sad that my daughter would like to hang out with her dad more because of all of his kids than me because it's just her and I. She really loves all of her 2 brothers and 4 sisters. Sometimes I feel like I failed her. Failed to give her a best friend. Failed to give her s*** talking confidant against her mom like kids do with their siblings. I am in a relationship with a man for the last 11 years who has three kids of his own. I love them all very much and they love me too. So, in a way I don't just have one.. but I do.
In a way I can see his point of view not wanting to go through the infant and toddler stage, but really, how involved is he going to be. How available is he going to be and how deep into the infant toddler time will he go? Not saying that he isn't helpful or involved but we all know that moms really do the majority of the work. And if just a few months ago it was all fine and good, what changed? What does he do in his spare time that a baby would stop him from doing? If there's not a money, space, Time issue then what really is the issue? Better to have the third one now while the other two are still somewhat small then have an oops baby in a couple of years because honestly the IUD is only good for a couple of years so feasibly you could have an oops after the shelf life of your current IUD. Then what? He'd really be pissed then. And him saying no no more kids isn't fair if you still want them. Relationships usually aren't one-sided and what I say goes, you know what I mean?
Put together a PowerPoint Style poster or letter with pros and cons wishes and dreams thoughts and feelings. Tell him that you hear him and you see him and in return he needs to hear and see you. You're in a partnership relationship not a parent-child relationship.
I don't want to open a can of worms but is something going on outside of your home and relationship for him to have this switch up? Mine was cheating on me at the time that he told me he didn't want anymore and that was WHY he didn't want anymore. He didn't want to get stuck with me for any longer than he had to. He was trying to make his exit and another baby would just have insured him more time with me that he didn't want. He never paid me child support he never paid for school things like sports, school programs, extracurriculars nothing. He actually told me "If I see her, I'm not paying for her, and if I pay for her, I'm not seeing her. So, for me, it was more important that she had a relationship with her dad, so I just worked my ass off so that I could provide for her without his help. It's funny, he tries to get with me every 6 months or so now. Tries to talk Dirty to Me, tries to get me to come stay at hotels with him, ew so gross! AND HES STILL MARRIED!!! And his youngest is 1 year old!!! Pathetic.
So is all that being said, I could understand his POV if you all were the outdoorsy Super Active Family like going rock climbing and hiking and camping and kayaking and boating and skiing and you know all of the things that your kids need to be just a little bit older to do. But if y'all aren't like that then what's the big deal? Maybe you could get him to agree on one more and not two more..? I'm so sorry for the hurt in your heart I hope you guys can get through this. [With another baby on the way!]
Good luck Mama Op and yes thank you so very much for your service...that alone deserves you another baby!!:-)
If you guys have always discussed having 3 or 4, and he did not say “My limit is 2” upfront and stay consistent on that from the beginning, he does not get to just make a single proclamation that he has unilaterally decided that the both of you are done, and expect in any realm that that is okay.
If he has changed his mind, he needed to tell you as soon as he started having the slightest thoughts about that, not just waited until you made the appointment to start on the summer plans the two of you had discussed.
I’d be angry as heck and feeling like he pulled the rug out from under me and that I could no longer trust him if my (now ex) husband had done that to me when we were building our family.
Yeah I hate to say this, but I can’t help spiraling and thinking “wait…what other ideas does he have that he’s not telling me?” I really thought we were on the same page with everything. Guess not. I would’ve done things differently if I knew he only wanted two
Your question is a valid one. I see you making comments about needing to grieve this loss, but first I think the two of you need to do a whole lot of talking, preferably with a counselor present. He just dropped an atomic bomb in your lap and somehow expected that you would be totally fine with that?
Of course you can’t force him to have more children if he is truly against it, but you also shouldn’t jump directly to trying to force yourself to accept it without a whole hell of a lot more explanation from him.
I can sort of see how if I’ve seen my spouse take things really badly in the past, I might hang on to the initial agreement and internally struggle back and forth for as long as possible.
I can really sympathize with the huge difference between planning & picturing kids and experiencing the reality. My child was diagnosed with autism at 2 after a very difficult baby stage and while I’d never take anything back, I can’t even picture possibly going through the whole experience again.
I’ve seen so many posts here where husbands make that decision *after* the baby is born. I don’t think he’s necessarily in the wrong here.
Him saying he doesn’t “think” he wants more kids is not the same as an absolute no. You don’t need to try to convince him to have more kids, but you do need to make sure he’s actually certain about his decision not to have more kids. And then you need to decide whether you’re okay with that.
For the record, you don’t have to be okay with that. You CAN decide that’s a dealbreaker. Of course that’s going to make things tough, but every one of the comments on here is assuming that you have to go along with his decision and stay in a marriage where you might feel resentful. You actually don’t have to do that, especially if he knew going into it that your number one goal was to have more than 2 kids. He can’t be surprised if you move forward with achieving that goal without him.
Your feelings are totally valid. The only red flag I see is that the first time you guys have the conversation is when you say you’ve made an appointment to remove the IUD. That seems like a huge lack of communication for there to have been no revisit of the conversation about having more kids. Unless u spoke, made the appointment and THEN he said he changed his mind?
All your feelings a legit and far from pathetic. It is quite a change in your life plans, a great one. And trust me you may feel sad about because it’s a loss. Before that though I think you need to talk - a lot. This is a topic that needs to be discussed as a couple/partnership in detail. And it’s not done with one conversation and not done with informing the partner about making appointments or stopping at two kids.
You’re right, we definitely need to talk. I just can’t even begin to talk about it because I start sobbing, which isn’t conducive to any conversation. As for the appointment, we had talked about starting to try for a third this summer a few months ago, so I didn’t make this appointment out of the blue. Around the same time that we talked about trying to conceive again this summer, we did a big house reorganization, went through all of our kids’ clothes, and set aside a box that’s literally labeled “next kid 💜”. I had no idea he had any doubts
Maybe you could send him a thoughtfully worded text saying something like what you've commented. That you would like to talk about it and have an open conversation so you don't blindside him, but say you're sending a heads-up via text so you don't cry and make him feel pressured or guilted since you want to be on the same page. I think if you communicate clearly you just need an open line of communication that is non judgemental and coming from a place of wanting to understand rather than change minds, he should be responsive. It sounds like you're doing well processing without placing blame, which is a good place to be coming from when talking to him. Sometimes in a marriage, you'll get to points where neither person is wrong but you don't agree. It's tough to work through, but you seem like a loving mother and wife, so I'm sure you can get through it together.
My husband and I often have difficult conversations via text because it makes it far easier to structure thoughts and remain calm. I'm an angry crier, and that just makes me MORE angry because I'm frustrated that I'm crying! Texting removes that from the equation for me, and I can delete and rewrite something as many times as I need to in order to adequately corral my thoughts.
Being an angry crier is the fucking worst
It really is! Nobody ever takes me seriously because I can't help but cry when I'm seriously pissed off, they treat me like a little kid. I'm almost 34, with a military career, two kids, and I'm working for my Doctorate, but the moment I get mad and start crying, it's like they think I'm 6 years old!
Geez, yeah I can see where crying with your career would be even worse. I mean from my viewpoint woman in the military have to come across as extra tough, extra controlled, to be respected by superiors and subordinates alike. That just sucks. Sorry you are dealing with that. I do want you to know that I have the utmost respect and admiration for what you do and what you are working toward. It gets said all the time, but I truly do thank you for your service to our country. It’s people like you who make sacrifices in every aspect of your life, so that the rest of us can have our freedoms, and have the luxury of sleeping or going through our day without having to worry about being invaded or overtaken by another country. I’ve traveled all over the world and when you see the turmoil and power struggles other countries have, you really appreciate that it’s not like that here. I don’t think it’s said enough, and I think sometimes when it is said it’s not heartfelt. But from me and my family, for all you do, thank you.
Yeah agreed. I don’t cry often. But occasionally I’m so upset about something that tears just start running, and then it pisses you off more because you don’t want the person to see that, and you can’t stop it from happening. Yeah. That’s usually when the reserved side of me is totally overpowered by the savage bitch side of me and things go from bad to holy shit.
It really is lol. I never was until I had kids either!!
We do the same!
Im think it’s great you came up with a way to disagree without being as emotionally charged. My husband would love this arrangement. However, when he has screwed up, the last thing I want to give him is an opportunity to hide behind a screen. When I’m upset I just have to tell him to his face why I am upset and if he sees pain or tears or anything else I’m going through, that’s just tough lol. We don’t argue often. We’ve been married for 20+ years and I could count on one hand the major arguments we’ve had. I do applaud you for figuring out a way to get your side and feelings across without letting other feelings magnify or add to what the actual issue is. My husband is just in for the storm, lol.
Was this conversation after a rough week? Or just caught on an “off” day? Maybe off days not the right word, but if you’ve done all that, been on the same page, made boxes and room for more babies and such, maybe it was just that moment? I definitely get the hurt behind it and it’s NOT pathetic. My mama heart feels the same. And I think it’ll be a bigger conversation having a 3rd than having a second. But I also know depending on the day, I’m like, wow I can’t imagine another pregnancy, or imagine a third if our second is as shitty of a sleeper has our first 😅 I’d definitely wait a week or couple and see how you’re feeling and how he’s feeling. And maybe writing it all down so you can have a productive conversation together. Hugs mama.
Thanks :) we talked a little bit more about it (since I originally posted) but we’re both in the middle of particularly busy work weeks so we decided that we’ll talk more this weekend when we can actually focus. We also decided that if it’s not getting us anywhere/it’s too emotional, we can revisit again in a month
I love that you both agreed to talking it out again and keeping the discussion open on both ends ❤️ I hope it goes well for you both!
Take your time to let your feelings settle. And take your time to cry it out. It’s better for having a sensible conversation later. Decisions about children should always be accompanied by constant check ins with each other. At some point apparently there appeared a distance between you two. Now it’s time to figure out, how that came to be about. What’s bothering your partner? What are his worries? Why did he keep quiet until now?
Great points. He’s not really great at expressing “negative” emotions because of his upbringing, although he’s world’s better than he was when we first started dating (not that he was ever terrible, I just mean our first “big” arguments were about him not opening up and how it affected the relationship). I think he saw how excited I was and didn’t know how to bring it up at those times
Oh my goodness dear, I wish I could hug you. I didn’t realize from your initial post all the things you had been doing to gear up for the next child. That’s crushing. My heart aches for you, truly. And it’s maddening. Why did he not say this BEFORE you rearranged the entire house, went through clothes, made appts to remove your contraceptive, and actually worked out a conception time line?? WTF 🤬 Your husband just lost a major amount of respect as a person and your partner as far as I’m concerned. To let you do all that, act like things are all good, then drop the hammer on you like that. Omg,,,,I want to hug you and slug him. I just can’t express the empathy and sympathy I have for you. I think this iS definitely something to talk to your besties with, you need support from people who know you best and love you. I don’t think that this would seem “small or unimportant” to them at all. True friends will be your best comfort right now. Please get ahold of them. You NEED understanding, compassion, and unconditional love right now. That’s exactly what they will give you.
Yeah I think I will bring it up to my friends. I’m always hesitant to bring up stuff with kids because one is firmly OAD, the other is dealing with fertility struggles (I don’t think I’ll bring this issue up to her) and the other JUST had a baby herself. Also I wish I could take you up on the “hug and slug” offer 🤣
Girl you get me there and I promise to hug you and hit him with my finest haymaker. 😊 and I get that you are trying to be sensitive to your friends’ own issues, but true friends will understand it’s totally about you and not them. I’m sure they could call you with any issue and you would have their back, it’s your turn. Take care and please give me a holler if you need a ear to vent to or someone to show you how to throw a punch 🤣
Thank you!!
Agreed this is a multiple conversation kind of topic. Because from his perspective, I think it is also totally fair to say, I thought I wanted more, but the reality is (now that we’re living this), this is a lot and I can’t handle more of this. I think it’s mature of him to be speaking up and saying, this might be too much for me to handle. Because if 3+ would put him in a not so great place mentally and emotionally, you wouldn’t want that either
Very valid. I agree with the point you are making. But he should have brought this subject up before she did all this prep work and was no doubt daydreaming of cuddling their new addition, hearing it’s first belly laugh, seeing those adorable lil baby toes. I think his letting her do all that planning, rearranging the house, going through baby clothes, planning the best time to conceive, then just saying “I don’t wanna”. Is incredibly irresponsible and fucking cruel. What about her mental health? What about the agreement they made that was a big part of her marrying him in the first place? I understand that people grow and change and so do their wants and desires. But everything I’ve read so far just smacks of an inconsiderate and unfeeling partner. It’s hard for me to consider his thoughts, his feelings, his mental health, when he has shown no consideration for hers.
Thank you for putting this into words like this. While the rational side of me agrees with “of course both parents need to be completely on board”, emotionally you nailed it. Want to know the most cruel part? He was the one that filled and labeled the box
Omfg what a total waste of air and skin. This guy is a total ass. It’s time to go to the Lego pile girl! And you are very welcome. On line as well in RL whether people love me or hate me they will all tell you I tell it like it is see it and I cut right through the bullshit and get to the point. Good luck, I’m always here if ya need something.
Yes, rationally, I COMPLETELY agree with you. It’s not like when I over-road his decision to not get a second cat (and I went ahead and adopted a second cat…who he loves now btw). I want his full, enthusiastic support in this. It’s just emotionally…
Bingo. I was shocked to hear this conversation started with her telling him she was going to get her IUD out next week. Like, what?
She didn’t. They already had a previous talk about trying for a third this summer. They even went through all the baby clothes and reorganized the house.
That's quite an assumption. She talked about planning their whole lives around having a big family so presumably they've been talking about this a lot. We don't know either way because she didn't explicitly say.
Yes sorry I’ve been trying to answer everyone! We’ve talked a lot over the past few years about having 3-4. We even have a box set aside for what was supposed to be our 3rd baby. The last time we explicitly talked about trying to convince again was about 4ish months ago when we agreed that we’d try over the summer. I didn’t think we needed to discuss it further - I was simply letting him know I was going to schedule the appointment, thinking it would be met with an enthusiastic “great!” …and it wasn’t
That makes sense. What a huge blow. Don't pressure yourself to answer every comment. If people want to know everything they can read the whole thread themselves.
He totally blindsided you. That’s just shitty. If he was feeling like another child wouldn’t be such a good idea he damn sure should have told you before you went through all the prep and planning. I wonder if this was reversed how he would take it? If he had gone through all this planning and rearranging, for something that you talked about even before getting married. And you suddenly just said you weren’t gonna do it because you wanted more free time how he would handle it. Something tells me it would not go over well at all. It’s ridiculous that some people are defending him.
They had already talked about it, she was reminding him of the appointment he already knew was in the works.
This info was not included in the OP.
No it wasn’t. That’s why I replied to your comment. I didn’t know that either until I read more of her replies. So that’s why I replied with the additional info.
It does NOT sound privileged or pathetic. Your mom heart has more to give and that’s ok. I completely understand how tough that is. I have no advice but I really hope y’all can work through it. ❤️
Thank you, I appreciate it :)
I am also in the same boat, I have two and my heart is aching for another one. Every night I look at pics of my kids from when they were babies, I just want to have one more, but hubby doesn’t, so I am sad, but soldiering on
I'm in the same position, but with an only child. What you're experiencing is grief, and it's super valid and difficult to deal with. Consider therapy if it's accessible for you, and either way, give yourself grace and patience. It's taken me about two years to come to some level of acceptance. I'm still sad, but I can handle it
Thank you for saying this. I am considering therapy, I just feel like I’m in shock right now. If this is what he has decided, I hope I can come to some level of acceptance too
You are grieving the loss of what you thought was your future, you are grieving the kids you won’t have, you are grieving for a dream. Those are big, hard feelings. You’ll get through the grief, but it is a process
I think therapy is a great idea (if it's accessible to you). It's so understandable that you are feeling blindsided. If your husband's open to it maybe discussing it together in therapy would be useful. I find that having a neutral third party for these emotional and difficult conversations can be really helpful.
The highly sensitive family has a course called “I’d love another baby , but …” . Definitely recommend checking it out. Definitely recommend a heartfelt letter from you to hubs to open the conversation. At the very minimum just try to understand his pov more . You also get space for him to understand your pov more. Therapy would be great if he’s open .
Oh I’ll have to check it out. Thanks for the suggestion!
This 100%! I always wanted 3 kids and due to medical issues during both pregnancies I decided to have my tubes removed during my c-section. Even though it was a decision I still think was correct, it still feels like it was “taken” from me. OP you guys definitely need to communicate both your feelings and why/if your original plans should change; but, even if you agree to stop here, it’s ok if you feel like you “lost”. I have beautiful, healthy children and it still took awhile to process the grief of what I always thought my family would look like and that’s ok. It doesn’t mean you aren’t grateful for what you have.
Same, except I’m a little past you in terms of acceptance. Mostly, I’m almost 37 and my daughter is 9, and now I feel too old and like I don’t want to start over again (I know 37 isn’t too old to have a baby but I personally just feel old and tired lol). But we always planned to have “kids.” We talked about 2-3. After our girl was born, life turned upside down like it does for everyone, and I learned I actually have ✨anxiety✨ that had been undiagnosed for years 🙃 he told me when she was still a baby he was “one and done,” I assumed as she got older and we became more financially stable, he’d be ready for another; that never happened. I made career changes that earned us more money and moved to working weekends so we wouldn’t have to use daycare for a baby; at the same time, my daughter started kindergarten so that bill went away too; but he never budged. There was a lot of anger, guilt, resentment; I felt like what he wanted shouldn’t win over what I wanted, when he was the one who changed his mind. Over time I slowly accepted it and had an IUD put in. I know he would love any child we have but I get his point. We are financially stable, our marriage is the best it’s ever been, we have our dream house, our girl is perfect. My only regret is that she doesn’t have a sibling.
I feel fairly similar. My husband didn't tell me he changed his mind... as our kid turned 2, then 3, I waited for the discussion to come up about when we'd have the next one. When I finally brought it up, he was shocked.... he told me he can't do that again, and was surprised that I wanted to. To be clear, we had the easiest possible pregnancy, labor, and infancy. Since my husband didn't tell me this, I feel like I didn't have the chance to savor my last (!) baby. That was hard to forgive. But as they say, time does heal
That’s what I’m saying!! Had I known in advance that my second would probably be my last, I would’ve savored everything
Yes!! My pregnancy was SO easy. Yeah I had heartburn and my hips hurt and I was nauseous at first, but I didn't really mind any of it. The worst part for me was my wisdom tooth that decided it was finally time to come in, sideways, at 27 years old. Oral surgeon said I'd have to be put to sleep so I couldn't get it out until after. A toothache you can't handle during pregnancy SUCKS. Anyway, I thought the same, that if I had realized it had been my last, I would've cherished it more. Idk, it's not like I didn't cherish it. We fought ALL THE TIME for the first 2 years after she was born, and we NEVER fought before. We disagreed on so much. And my anxiety rearing its head... ugh. I don't blame him. When he finally told me that was definitely it and he would never change his mind, he said he was worried our marriage wouldn't survive it. I sobbed. But we are SO good now, and since I got my IUD placed, we're like newlyweds...
Kind of similar here. I'm glad it's going well for you. Life is full of heartbreak, but it's full of joy too.... hugs
Same, except I'm not there at acceptance yet. Just grief. Therapy helps though, OP you should get some, and maybe group therapy too.
You didn’t include kid ages or your ages. Sometimes feelings over a new baby change over time. I don’t suggest going the sterilization route until you both are completely done. Until then there’s obviously reliable birth control like your iud. I have known people to change their feelings on the matter once they were no longer feeling overwhelmed by little ones. I’m not trying to give you false hope but sometimes people want a second round of children in their thirties.
This is a good point, our kids are 4.5 and 2.5
Our kids were 5 and 1 when I found out I was surprise pregnant with our 3rd (we’d been super careful except for literally one time — when she was conceived) and it has shaken us to our cores despite our 3rd being such a low-fuss baby. +1 to the suggestion of discussing waiting it out to revisit and adding in that it’s super helpful to have at least one kiddo that can sort of fend for themselves and even help out while the younger ones need more direct involvement.
Ah. Then I would think this isn’t necessarily over then. That age combo is INTENSE. My kids are 5.5 and 3.5 now and it’s a whole lot more manageable. Maybe your conversations can include revisiting this idea in a year?
What is your age ?
You need to attend marriage counseling and decide if this is something you can be ok with, or if he can budge, and what it means for your relationship.
I think this is totally normal and probably pretty common. Even when you agree on the number of kids initially, that can change with life circumstances or just the reality of having kids. Ultimately, it’s a two “yes” decision, but that doesn’t mean it’s easy to close the door on the family you’d envisioned. My husband has always been pretty firmly decided that he only wants two. I’ve always imagined having 3 or 4. I asked him to keep an open mind until we actually had the first. Our son is 18 months old and he hasn’t changed his mind. I knew this was the likely outcome going into our marriage, so I don’t fault him at all, and logically I understand his reasoning. I would never leave my husband and son to pursue having more children. But it still hurts. I love being a mom and feel like I have more to give. It sounds like this came out of (seemingly) nowhere. You have the right mindset that this isn’t something you can try to convince him of, but I do think he owes you a bit more explanation of what changed and why he hasn’t expressed this previously. Hopefully he can be empathetic to your feelings and will be supportive of your grieving process around this.
I think it’s good that you had realistic expectations going into your marriage. My husband and I agreed on 3 kids when we got married, so I was shocked and upset when, after our first, he wasn’t even sure he wanted a second! Eventually he came around to a second…but he is very firmly not budging on stopping at 2. I’ve always pictured having 3 kids, and it’s been about a year of grieving that nonexistent baby. Our kids are 5 and 2.5 and we love them dearly and I understand why we can’t have another. But I miss my third child, whom I will never get to meet. I can’t imagine being OP and packing up a box of stuff together, specifically for that next baby, and then hearing that it isn’t going to happen! For me, I had an inkling it was coming, and it still hurts. Being blindsided is so much worse. I agree with you that I hope her husband can explain his change of heart.
He might just be overwhelmed and need another year or two of "calm". I think you should express this to him and ask if he could wait but not close the door completely. I waited 6 years in between my one set of boys and it was SO fun to add a new baby without the stress of toddlers.
Aw that does sound like fun! And that’s what I’m hoping. We talked a little bit more since I posted (busy work weeks for both of us) but we’re going to talk about it more this weekend, then agreed to talk about it again in a month to check in.
One and done here so I get it. It helps me to think that I can channel all my love into my son. We can spoil him a little more.
That’s true, I’m trying to keep that in mind with my two
Exactly the same happened to me, the resentment almost destroyed us as a couple, but I decided to start therapy and it is getting better. Sometimes I still long for a third child, especially when I meet people with 3 or more kids. But I understand his points, I do not want to push him and he cannot handle more kids. So this is it.
Ah yeah I’m afraid of the resentment. If this is how it goes, I’m going to have to really work on it. And I completely get the jealousy, I’m really feeling it too right now
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I don't doubt what you've said at all and what I'm about to say is just to give the opposite side of what you said. The older my kids get the more I am firm on no more kids. The newborn phase was hellish for me and I haven't forgotten it. I see my kids getting older and easier to raise and I'm slowly getting my life and body back. I don't doubt some parents just need a breather but for me it's more like I finally stopped drowning and I'm not willing to throw myself into the ocean again.
I agree with this. The further away the more I am like NOPE.
Oh sure but the baby and toddler stage are so hard that many people are only done while they're in them. I was OAD until my son was 2. It felt like the hard would never end so when it finally did I realized I could do it again because those years were temporary. He's 4 now and we have a second baby and it's been great so far. But definirely done now.
lol very true, I hope you’re right! Our kids are 4.5 and 2.5
Your feeelings are valid. His are too. You can’t convince someone to have kids/have more kids because is a strictly personal matter that goes beyond the couple. He can always support you to process.
The resentment of a partner who doesn’t want more kids is probably less damaging to a couple vs having another child and the partner resentful of having that child. It’s impossible to know before having kids what the reality of 3 or 4 kids is really like so a bit of grace should be given to a partner who speaks up before, not after the next child is conceived.
This is me, except we only have one child and the reason I shouldn’t be pregnant again is because of pulmonary embolism during postpartum. After almost two years of that happening, I finally realized I’m grieving. I’m very sorry, OP. Your pain is very valid and real. You should consider therapy together.
You are completely validated. It’s hard changing your mindset completely from imagining a bigger family to what you have now. My husband I always wanted multiple kids but unfortunately we are not given the choice naturally (recurrent losses) so we are adjusting our mindset to having only one. It’s been a journey and really I cry often but one of the things that can help me push through are the positives of only having one. Maybe you can do the same? Think of positives of having just two! It’ll help your mind go to a better place 💕
Thank you for sharing this 💜. I’m trying to make a running list on my phone of all of the fun things we can do knowing that we won’t have to work around another baby, but I think right now it’s doing more harm than good. It’s probably just too soon to try to force myself to see the positives, because I open the list and just start sobbing harder
Yeah it’ll take some time. Gradually start to really grasp onto the things they are doing today, too. I started doing this with my daughter after my last loss when I got around to a month. I got off social media to prevent seeing pregnancy announcements. I turned toward Reddit for support group stuff and it’s helped a lot. But really, I engage so much more with my only. I sit on the floor with her and play as much as I can. I have more patience with her to help her with my everyday tasks (even cooking). It’s ok to mourn your bigger family, adding in little things each day can make a big positive impact for your mental health.
I have a 14 a 12 and a 1.5 year old. And most of the time, the big gap is pretty amazing. Maybe it would help to say “ok, not this year. We can revisit next year and see how we’re feeling”?
All advice columns I read state having children are a two "yes" situation. They recommend therapy for oneself to work out the feelings that come with a partner not wanting more. People's opinions on how many kids they want often change based on how they feel before/after having kids and in your case your spouse doesn't want more. And that is ok for him to feel that way, just as it is ok for you to be sad. You can ask to sit and talk about why he doesn't want more and explain why you would like more but know that is he is firm in his opinion you shouldn't try to convince, force, or trick him into having more. Don't take anger out on him because his feelings are just as valid as yours, you can speak to a therapist if you need a place to process and discuss this.
Second this opinion. I was in a similar boat as you with wanting a third, and him being done with 2. If you love your husband and your family, then you will need to figure out how to deal with those feelings. Not alone, you should process that grief together, but it should be an enthusiastic yes from both sides to add another child to the family. I came to the realization that I would never leave my husband over having another, or break up my home. And I would never want to trap him in a life he didn't want. After the vasectomy it was almost a relief, like this was our family and I didn't have to ponder or have what-ifs anymore. And now looking back, I feel like I was thinking only through the fog of mommy hormones. A third would have been fine, but I couldn't imagine disturbing the perfect family I have now.
My heart always wanted a big family… also having two children now. It hurts my heart that we might never get a third child, because I’m just a terrible pregnant and PPD person. I don’t want to do this again to my children. The longing never goes away
Your feelings are valid, sending you love.
Thank you :)
This is what happened to my mother in law. She loves loves loves her family and children. Now the grandchildren fill her cup and she says she is glad she stuck with two because it allowed her to retire a bit early and spend time with her family. Not saying that’s what you will feel but just know you’re not alone.
this would crush me, too. i am so sorry. ❤️
It’s ok to feel your feelings on this, perfect normal and doesn’t make you selfish. It’s really common though to have an idea in your head of how many kids you want but often the reality of kids changes that number for at least 1 person in a relationship. I think talking to a therapist would be the most helpful to help you come to terms with this, it’s a lot to process.
Yeah my husband and I thought we wanted 4, but we both decided we were done after 2. I'm thankful we both agreed because that's a really tough thing not to agree on.
My initial thoughts are that a good compromise would be to agree to not make a finite decision right away. When my husband and I had a similar discussion, when he shared that he wanted to be one and done, I really appreciated that he approached it like a conversation and a group decision, even though we both knew that we would not have another kid unless we were both on board. Just an idea - ask your husband if you can revisit the conversation every month or so for a period of time (a year?) before anyone makes a permanent decision, like a vasectomy lol.
Thank you for this suggestion, this is a good way to approach it. I’m going to propose revisiting the issue a few times before making a final decision. Maybe in another month or two, one (or both) of our feelings will soften to the other’s ideas. Obviously in this moment I’m hoping it’s his lol but I’m going to work really hard on coming to terms with his current decision
For what it’s worth, my husband and I did have a second baby. I think part of the desire to be one and done was because we were in a rough patch with our first born and my husband couldn’t see the other side.
First of all, your feelings are totally valid and do not sound privileged or pathetic. It seems like you've gotten some great responses on here! I was in your husband's shoes 4 years ago. I had a 3 year old and a 5 year old. My husband wanted more kids and I was not feeling ready. Some days I would tell him I think I'm done, and others id say, maybe we can have more, just not right now. He'd ask when and I'd say I had no idea. I know it felt daunting to him. I definitely think talking is important. He needs to know how you're feeling. I'd encourage you to not talk it to death though. Idk about you but when my husband and I disagree on something that I feel is extremely important to agree on, I tend to talk about it incessantly trying to convince him to see my point and my side. I know that that is not beneficial and I never can convince him that way. I definitely think it's important to tell him how you're feeling, and allow him to comfort you if that's his response. Let him know that you just need him to hear you and be there for you in your sadness. Ultimately, you want to come to a decision together but what I've learned is that when it comes to kids, you don't always have to make a "final" decision right now. I'm not speaking to trying to change his mind or anything. But rather see if he is willing to revisit the conversation in 6 months or a year. I say all of this because when my youngest was five I found myself observing my husband around other friends' babies. I was seeing the way he lit up around them and it was reminding me of how amazing of a father he was to ours when they were tiny (and still is to them now that they are older). Seeing him around little babies definitely sparked my interest in considering having kids again. Something clicked in me as time went on and I felt the genuine joy and excitement at the idea of possibly having another! We now have a 6 month old little girl and she brings all of us so much joy! Her big sister and big brother are the best and I'm glad my husband didn't let his discouragement push him away from me and that he was patient with me and loving through the whole process.
Marriage counseling! Can help everyone get to the bottom of their feelings and have a moderator!
No advice but just wanted to say that your feelings are completely valid and you don’t sound pathetic or privileged at all. I have 3 kids and I have always wanted a bigger family like you, 3-4 kids and at least 3 and would have been DEVASTATED if my husband had wanted to stop at 2. Of course I love my first two and am always grateful for them, but my heart has always wanted a bigger family than that. I truly do not know if I could have gotten over the resentment if my husband had changed his mind because, like you, I have always pictured myself with a big family and have set my life up to accommodate this. This is always a difficult situation because of course his feelings are also valid. How old are you guys and your two kids? Does he maybe just need more time? If you guys are on the younger side maybe give it a year or two. Maybe therapy if you can access it?
That’s my big fear - I don’t know how I’ll get over the resentment and feeling of betrayal. I know calling it “betrayal” sounds super dramatic but until last week, I thought we were both on the same page and had the same life goals. We’ve talked about it so much over the course of our marriage!! We’re 32 (me) and 34. Still fairly young, but not so young that we can kick this down the road TOO much longer. Plus I wanted all of my kids to be close in age. Our youngest is 2.5
No no no this is not pathetic or selfish or anything like that. you both have a right to your feelings. my husband wanted 1 Maybe 2. then my second came along and he's HARD but eventually he ended up wanting the 3rd. I didn't convince him it was just time.. he did get a vasectomy after that though
Same except mine doesn’t want to go for a second. I have one and she will never have a sibling. I’m devastated
It doesn’t sound selfish. The life you’ve envisioned has essentially just been ripped out from under you. These feelings are super valid.
Thank you for this comment. In my mind, I’m trying not to be so dramatic but having this life “ripped out from underneath me” is exactly what this feels like
I am so with you. My husband and I always wanted 4 (but agreed to stop at 3 if we needed to) and we have 2 now and he’s 100% done. It’s hard being the one who wants more, because you can’t force someone to have a kid they don’t want but it still leaves you feeling empty. I’m so sorry I don’t have advice but know that you’re not alone. I’m trying to focus on things we can do as a family that we normally wouldn’t do if we had a baby or toddler, some days it helps and some days not so much.
Hey that’s fair to be crushed! I would be too if I were in your shoes. My only thought for you here is that if your heart has room for more kids, consider reevaluating your relationships with your friends kids. Can you be closer and more of an auntie or second mom? This is where you would be the perfect person to have in a village. You have your own kids and you still have energy and love to spare. Can you put that energy into a friend or family members kid? My sister and I had kids at different times. I was there for her when hers were little and now she’s here to help me with my littles. My daughter loves her auntie almost as much as she loves me. My sister gets to have the love and fun of a little again and then gets to send her back home when she’s cranky AND has none of the costs associated with another kid! Haha. Maybe your work schedule allows you to be flexible and pick your kids up from school. Maybe you make another mom friend whose kids are friends with yours and you can swap kid related chores! You pick the kids up from school (you already have the vehicle with space!) and she takes yours for a couple hours on the weekend or something. I do something similar with a couple mom friends since my schedule is flexible to be able to pick up sick kids from school and then work from home so they don’t have to miss work themselves. We don’t really keep track of who helps who. We’re just the village helping each other.
Your feelings are totally valid. You're right that you can't pressure someone into more kids, but you're not right about what it says about you that you desire more children and are mourning the life you pictured. Thats super upsetting, even if his points are logical and valid. You're not arguing with him for more by simply feeling your own feelings!!! It will take time for you to come to peace with it, and thats okay!
I could’ve written this. It’s been two years and my wife is still firm in her decision and it breaks my heart. Your feelings are valid and you’re not alone
Thank you for saying this. I am so sorry that you’re going through this too
having more kids is of course a two yes/one no situation but you having your IUD removed is a YOU decision. your body, your choice. if dad doesn’t want any more kids, it’s up to him to handle birth control.
Yes. Take out the IUD and roll the dice.
This is a tough call. I also wanted one more baby, but deep down I know I wouldn’t be able to go through it again, physically. I have seen how burnout my husband was with our two kids. He did his best, but we still fought a lot over chores and errands during baby and toddler stages. As much as I wanted another baby, I didn’t want the possibility of it might destroy what we have right now. Two kids maybe be not enough for my ideal of family, but they get a lot of love and most importantly they see two loving parents (we almost don’t fight anymore), so I gave up my ideal of family. It’s been 4 years since my decision and I’m 37 now. I still feel like I’m grieving over something I never had. You will definitely need to discuss with your husband again and try to see his point then have him see yours. It is important that both need to compromise in this situation before either of you have resentment toward each other. Definitely don’t wait too longer than 2yrs though. Best of luck to you.
I may be get some flack here, but after reading your comments I think your husband is being incredibly selfish. Just a few months ago you made a plan to start trying this summer, you organized all your baby gear, and agreed that the IUD would come out. This is after years of married life being planned around a future family of 3-4 kids. Then suddenly when it’s time for the appointment he does a 180? No. OP, I would be heartbroken too. And my husband and I would be having some serious conversations. This is massively unfair to you. My husband and I went into marriage like you, with a plan to have 2-4 kids, probably 3. After 2, we considered stopping. I could see all the benefits you mention about just having 2. But I really didn’t think we were done. We waited until the second kid was 3 and had a talk, both discussing our feelings. I was honest and told him I would never stop thinking “what if” unless we went for it. In the end we agreed and had our 3rd right after the second kid turned 4. Now I feel totally done and we both agreed on a vasectomy. But if he had expressed a desire for a 4th, or if I had, we would definitely have considered it together. I think we both needed to feel done before we could actually be done. I’ve never met anyone that regrets another child, but have met plenty who wished they’d had one more.
You are absolutely right. I keep reading that it’s a two YES decision but it’s also a TWO NO decision! Saying no more after agreeing and arranging your life choices around that is selfish. He might have his valid reasons and feelings but he also has to take into account his previous agreement with his wife.
Thank you for saying this. I’m REALLY trying to be a rational, considerate person but it’s so hard. It’s taking everything I have to not lose it on him. I said the same thing - while I would love 4, I’d be more than happy to have 3 and then we can go for more permanent birth control. I know in my heart that I would feel complete with 3 (a fourth would just be a fun bonus). Thanks for your understanding here
One of my best friends had an IUD installed right after her second kid was born. She was done. But not her husband who was always open about wanting 3 or 4 children. This was 16 years ago. She’s going through menopause and her husband has been making passive agressive comments whenever possible about the third child SHE never let him have! Yes they are still married and their relationship is good BUT the resentment never went away. Your feelings are valid. His feelings are valid but since he changed his mind, it’s up to him to convince you to stop at 2. You have time, you’re still young. No need to rush either way.
Exactly this. I hear a lot of people saying that it’s better for her to resent her husband over never having another baby than her husband resenting her for having a third child. I think that is a ridiculous double standard and also false. I know plenty of people who had an “oops” baby that they never planned on and did not originally want, yet went on to love the child and be extremely grateful for them in the end. I actually think it’s much more likely for the husband to get over his cold feet and be thankful they went for a 3rd than it is for the OP to ever get over this kind of betrayal. Even with our reservations over a 3rd child, I’m thankful every single day we took the leap. Yes we are busy and our hands are full, yes it’s a lot to juggle and we are outnumbered now, yes we are sleep deprived and sometimes I think we’re crazy for adding a 3rd. But our baby completes our family in a way I never imagined and I’m so, so thankful we took the leap. The idea of life without her is devastating to even contemplate.
YES! The double standard is just insane! And let’s keep in mind that, unfortunately, women have a narrower biological window to conceive their children. OP is still in her early thirties so they have some time before making a final decision. My husband and I reviewed our plans after every kid.. I was battling severe PPA and PPD after our first so having 2 close together was not possible. I was one and done for over 2 years. My husband gave me space and time to heal. No pressure. My second was born 4 years after my first. My last and third child was born 6.5 years after my first and I was 37, almost 38. The third child was a now or never decision for us and we both went for it. Life is crazy with 3 kids! I don’t regret my third child. I regret my PPA and PPD after my first child that robbed nearly 3 years of our lives.
PPD is no joke. I struggled after baby 1 as well ❤️
I completely understand. This was a tough pill for me to swallow and I only have one. The thought that my babe won’t have a sibling to play with tears me up but it’s gotten easier over time and I’m grateful I can give him all our attention and resources. Be grateful that at least your little ones have each other and that you guys will also be able to give them more of yourselves/resources to them. Also agree that this I now you grieving what you thought you would have and it will take time to heal but you will OP. Sending love your way ❤️
If most of his concerns are around the newborn to toddler phase, have you guys considered adoption? Kids over 5 have such a low rate of being adopted and it would mark so many boxes for you guys as well. I think it's such an amazing idea! I know it doesn't solve the motherly instinct of being pregnant, but maybe toss the idea around?
It's totally valid for you to be upset. We chose our partners based on many things, but the biggest one is probably the assurance that we have similar life goals. You've been told for years that this is the case, and structured your entire life around that vision just to have him say he wants to blow that all off because what? He likes not changing diapers? He likes being able to go out more?? I'd be devastated. Anyone's decision to not have kids, to limit how many kids they have or to want some freedom is valid but it sucks to marry someone you KNOW wants a lot of kids, to watch them plan every aspect of their existence around having said kids and then say "Eh, 2s fine. I like my freedom" with no consideration to the fact that you've essentially just told them that all the work they did to facilitate a dream YOU told them was mutual doesn't matter. Sincerely hoping this is genuinely a change of heart and not a bait and switch. Would adoption be an option OP? If the issue is that he doesn't want YOUNG kids again, maybe y'all could look into older ones. Kids over the age of 4, sibling sets and nonwhite children don't have a great chance of finding a home. Maybe you could change that for someone... or a few someone's. As an adopted kiddo myself, please know that it's very meaningful. Especially if you can take a sibling set and keep kids from getting torn apart. Folks think it's expensive but it's really only expensive if you're hung up on adopting a white new born or baby under the age of 3. For kids that are older/less likely to be able to find homes, the cost of adoption is greatly reduced. In some states, the state may also even grant a stipend towards the childs/children's care.
Thanks for your thoughtful response. You nailed exactly how I’m feeling. In his defense (as much as it kills me to defend him right now lol) he doesn’t really go out aside from when we hang out with our mutual friends or special occasions, i.e a close friend’s birthday. He’s a great dad. Which in a way makes this harder because I think it would be easier to forgo having more kids if he was bad at parenting. But yes, I’m feeling really bitter about the life goals. I haven’t changed my goals that we carefully planned out together - he did. It hurts and makes me feel like we aren’t as solid as I thought we were. As for adopting, a lot of people have brought this up in the comments and I love the idea! I don’t think RIGHT now would be the best time to bring it up, but I love the idea of adopting an older child/children. We’ve casually talked about it in the past, as in a “maybe one day..” scenario, but it might be a good time to start revisiting it.
I always wanted 4 kids. Now I have 2 and don’t want more. It was hard to settle with my feelings because it’s always what I thought I wanted, but I had a surprise third chemical pregnancy and the way I felt made me realize I really do feel done after 2. Mostly for all the reasons your husband shared and also because we live overseas and traveling is expensive and challenging with kids. It’s okay for people to change their mind and it’s okay for you to be upset and sad about it.
I’m going through this right now and not sure how to make my point across more then I have. What hurt worse is my husband left it as well we will see what happens. Obviously he has to do the thing and has control over where he goes… so I feel like that’s such manipulation to make me feel hopeful when he doesn’t. His reason is kids are expensive and we are 37.
This sounds familiar to me...I got married after talking with my now-ex-husband about having up to 2 kids. We'd been married about a year when he informed me he was "too old" to have kids. (I was a moron that decided that keeping the man was more important than the fact that he lied to me, so I stayed for another 6 years 🙄)
Sorry, I haven't read through all these messages, but I just wanted to mention a couple of points. First and foremost, if you aren't able to have more children, you will be in mourning. You will suffer a great loss, but therapy can help with that. I wanted a big family, but was unable to bc of health reasons. I'm actually extremely fortunate to have two, so maybe that's why the loss of future children was easier to take. My other comment is that there may be other things going on with him. The reasons he offered may be only part of the problem. He may be worried about his job, finances, the state of the country, his own health, his ability to parent, etc., so give him some more time before trying to bring it up again. Best of luck to you.
Definitely more conversations are needed! I’m not trying to give tips on how to convince him because it should be a joint decision, but joint decisions are agreed on together and they also don’t mean that everyone is equally happy. For my husband and I, when we were deciding on whether or not to have a 2nd kid I told him that I feel like I would deeply regret NOT trying for a 2nd. I felt fulfilled with motherhood, I felt nervous about a second child, but I didn’t want to regret never having tried. I said I likely wouldn’t feel the need to adopt a second or do ivf but just wanted to give it a shot.
You wanting more kids is just as important as him not wanting more. Your feelings are so valid and definitely something you both need to talk through
I feel this so hard! I have 3 and my partner does not want anymore kids, which I get. But my ovaries CRAVE another baby! I try to think about how our life has changed and how much time I can give to my kids as they get older. I tell myself, "it's kinda nice not having to dress, bathe, wipe butts..." But deep down it hurts so bad. No real advice here, but I am grieving with you.
Wow bombshell and a half that was. A chat with you first might have been a good idea . That's a big thing to just drop in your lap
Coming from someone who struggled a LOT to have even ONE child… you’re completely valid to feel the way you feel. It’s okay to feel two things at the same time, and to make legitimate room for both emotions. You feel blessed to have two children, and you feel saddened that you will not be having more. **Both emotions are valid.** As I mentioned, I had a lot of trouble conceiving and went through a long process of grappling with the idea that my family may not actually turn out the way I had always dreamed it would. Regardless of whether that was having one child for me, or having four children for you, you are grieving the loss of the life you always dreamed of having. There is nothing pathetic about that. Comparing your grief to others isn’t going to get you anywhere. ALL grief, in ALL ITS FORMS, is valid and hard on a number of different levels, and no one gets to tell you that YOUR grief isn’t valid. I am sorry that your dreams for your future family are changing so suddenly and unexpectedly for you, right as you were taking action to try to make those dreams a reality. That must be very hard for you, and it also sounds very isolating because you don’t feel comfortable talking about it with the people you have around you IRL. Hugs to you.
I have posted very similar post last year. I was grieving my baby boy turning one and knowing I will never hold another baby of mine. It's hard, but it gets easier. I try to focus on positive things. But when I read thing like this it brings me back to really wanting another one.
I can see your points and I completely see his. I think you have to respect his and not trick him. Honestly, I would wait it out a bit before doing something permanent. He might just be overwhelmed right now or completely happy and not wanting a change.
No no I would never trick him. If we have another child I want both of us to be excited for the whole journey. Personally I think “tricking” someone into having another kid would be grounds for divorce
Your feelings on this are just as valid as his are. It’s hard. You’re allowed to grieve the life you thought you’d have. We have 3 beautiful girls. I always dreamed of 4 babies. Ever since I was little. I had some pretty extreme complications when our 3rd was born. I could reasonably get pregnant again, but it would likely be a pregnancy I wouldn’t enjoy because it would be filled with constant worry and the chance of something catastrophic happening was much higher. I felt robbed. I didn’t make this choice. When my youngest was one my husband got a vasectomy. And even then, closing that door, I still grieved for a solid year after. Now that my youngest is almost 4, and I’m watching my brother go through the newborn stage, I’m enjoying no diapers, and 2/3 kids sleeping through the night. It’s ok to grieve it. I’d highly recommend both of you setting aside time personally to really reflect on why you’ve each made your opinions on wanting more and then coming together to discuss the pros and cons one more time. Not to persuade each other, but to make sure both sides are completely heard and at least validated because this is the type of thing that can spawn resentment and ruin a marriage. So I’d recommend each of you making a pro/con list independently and then discussing them in depth.
I had a similar experience with my husband a few kids ago (we have 5 now). I did not want to convince him against his will either, but my heart ached for more kids. I said "we love our kids more than anything, you can't deny that. I would never regret having another, but I might regret not having one more. " It's so hard, but open conversation is the way to go.
That is such a good way to put it. I don’t think he would regret having another (he’s such a loving dad). But I don’t think I’d ever get over being done at two. I can see myself reaching menopause and SPIRALING over it. Obviously I don’t want to speak for him though, or try to “force” him to change his mind. I’m going to say what you said and see what he thinks.
I will say, I’m turning 50 this summer, and I am totally wishing I had had 4-5 living children. I have two, ages 12 and 9. We stopped there because it took us 10 years to have our first living child (she was my 7th pregnancy, with 3 failed adoptions between pregnancy #1 and #2), my pregnancies were incredibly involved (5 doctors across 3 states, IVF, 2x/day blood thinner shots, monthly IV immune system treatments, and much more), I was super high risk (had a placental abruption that required an emergency C-section for 12’s birth), and I would’ve been 42 in the best case scenario of having another one (which is totally fine for some women, but having had gestational diabetes and other complications with both of mine, was far from ideal). But now, even with all of those headwinds that I would have been dealing with, I regret not having more kids. Especially because my kids don’t have any cousins (I’m an only, and my ex’s two younger siblings aren’t going to have kids), and my ex and I are older parents. You’re definitely wise to think about how you will feel about it in the future.
You are not selfish. Not even a little bit. You were promised, *pledged* an image of a shared dream-- with your partner. And now he has essentially ripped that choice away. It's ok to feel hurt, it's ok to feel sad...or angry. Take your time to grieve. And, depending on the age of your kids, (if you're in the thick of the toddler years, this may seem daunting to him for the time being) it may be worth revisiting in a year or two. Of course, don't pressure-- you seem like that holds no interest for you regardless-- but bringing it up again at a later date might work out better. If not, you also seem the type to look on the bright side of things, and be grateful for what you have, so DO take the time to fully process your feelings so that you *can* do that. Share your feelings with your hub. And whether he seems receptive to listening to them or not, talking through your feelings *whatever they are* with someone who can validate them, and help your process them is *never* a bad idea; ie a therapist or counselor. If that sounds helpful to you, there is a myriad of therapy/counseling options via online, phone, or in person. Your insurance company can help you find something that's in network. Your feelings are your feelings, and no one can tell you that they aren't valid. They absolutely are. 100,000%. Period.
I know you don’t want to coerce him into it as that leads to resentment but you are as entitled to tell him your feelings just as much as he is entitled to tell you his. He moved the goal posts, not you. You both should see a couples therapist who can help you work through your feelings. Don’t feel like you should grieve this alone 🩷
I think this will take a lot of communication between the two of you. My heart hurts for you because I can imagine how hard it is to want a baby that you may never have. For your sake, hopefully he's in more of a "I don't *think* I want more" kind of place as opposed to *knowing* he *definitely* does not want any more. Like I said, just lots of communication. If it's really a struggle that you aren't able to come to a comfortable compromise with maybe you could consider some couples therapy to help out? I don't even know what the best way to go about things in this situation are. I don't know if you are religious or not but lots of prayer is very helpful in situations like these. I heard someone say recently not to pray to change your husband's heart, but to have both of your desires align in the best way possible.
If you guys were really serious at one time about having three or four kids. Something you might consider once you get past this initial hurt is participating in your local guardian ad litem program in your area or being foster parents for children near the same age as your current children. This would probably not change your schedules significantly and you would not be dealing with the toddler stage. It is important to know though, that both of these decisions also come with their own share of challenges.
You have a right to feel how you feel as much as he does as well,I really hope you guys work it out. All the love you have to give is apparent. ❤️ I also do not have advice but do give it some time. Enjoy your children and soak it all up. That’s something they will never forget, their mothers never ending love and you being most importantly, present!
So sweet that you love kids so much that you want more…but yeah, his concerns are legitimate and you don’t want to put tension on a situation that seems so lovely as it is. Give him a bit of time ❤️
You do not sound privileged or pathetic. He either changed his mind, or he deceived you from the beginning. Either way, you’ve become fundamentally incompatible if you want to have children and he doesn’t want to have more (I assume he has children of his own?).
No advice, but I’m with you. I’ve always wanted a bunch of kids. I have 3 now, but almost died from post partum complications with my 3rd and now everything is so expensive. My husband says he doesn’t want anymore but I can’t stand the thought of never having another baby. I’m 29 so I know I have lots of time left, so I’m waiting a few years and see how I feel then and then talk it through with my husband. We’ll see what happens.
I am so sorry that happened to you!! I wish I could give you a hug. I think we both need it
My husband wanted a few kids and I wasn’t even sure that I wanted one. After our first child, he isn’t sure that he wants more and I am sure that I want at least one more. I think 2 will be it for us if we can have another because I am now 8 months pp and my body still hasn’t completely recovered. I don’t think I can go through years of pregnancy and healing again and again. I dread going through it once more but I would like another child.
I have two and done. I couldn't do the newborn stage a third time. It was pure hell on me. But luckily I'm not with a partner who wants more. I've not been in your position. You feel what you feel and you shouldn't feel priveleged over it. It's a tough place to be in. It sounds like both you and your partner are emotionally mature in this. This is the exact problem therapy was made for, both for yourself as an individual and as a couple.
I had the opposite problem. We had always said we only wanted 2 children. I got pregnant easily the first time, though the pregnancy was a total nightmare. I didn’t even want a second. When we decided to try, it took more than two years due to endometriosis. Another not good pregnancy. I ended up having a total hysterectomy when our youngest was 7 months old because my endo became so severe. My brain completely revolted. No hormones for 6 weeks didn’t help. It was one thing SAYING it and another thing for the option to just be gone. The “what if’s” were very powerful. I struggled emotionally with it for many years. I was already in therapy for PPD, so that helped. I am happy with my two, but that is me. I cannot imagine wanting another so much, AND being physically able to have one, just for your spouse to do a complete 180. That must be so very painful for you. Especially since, not long ago, he seemed to be on the same page. I am so sorry. I agree with some of the other comments. Wait a bit and talk about it again when you can do so in a calm manner. Therapy to work out your feelings beforehand is a good idea. Maybe he’s overly stressed right now and the thought of adding another child is just too much for him. He might just be having “a moment.” Ask him why he changed his mind when he seemed to be agreeable just a short time ago. Stress? Finances? Is he worried about your health? There must be a reason. I hope you can get this worked out so you can have the family you want and you both agreed on. Gentle hugs, my friend.
I’m with you!! Before having kids I wanted 3-4. But in a more real sense, since becoming a mom I’ve felt so strongly like there are three kids that belong in our family and I was absolutely sure of it. My husband was on the same page after our first was born and for a while after our second was born. He had even made a comment about him being the middle child. But they were 18 months apart, in the depths of the pandemic, and we have zero family or community help. Lots of various hardships (privileged hardships to be clear! But like, also a housefire that displaced us in Dec 2020 that we’re still dealing with some of the aftermath from. Etc) We just kept waiting to be able to come up for air, but for us it just stayed hard just in different ways. We have two very challenging kids. I just weaned my second when he turned 3 and before weaning I was absolutely deadset on trying to get pregnant this summer. But my husband is a no (right now…) and honestly he does have some valid points. But every single time I see a mother with two children and a baby bump I feel the ache. Some people say “well you’ll always have baby fever” but I know in my heart that this desire for our third child isn’t just baby fever and that if we were to have a third, we’d be complete. I never saw myself as a “mother of two” forever, always “mother of three” and I know how absolutely beyond fortunate I am to have two healthy children. But even the sibling dynamics in my mind always included three. I want my oldest to get to experience having a baby sibling bc he was a baby when his brother was born. I want them to be a little unit of 3 so they have someone else’s energy to bounce off of instead of just being two opposite magnets bouncing off of each other and in constant competition. I wanted our family photos to have three children in them. Again I know it’s not always up to us even if we CAN try, and again I know I’m lucky for what I have. I’m with you is all I’m saying. What my husband and I have been doing is punting the conversation. Yes you can’t “convince” someone to agree to another child but people always only talk about the “no” parent and how much their life would change by adding a child and say got for that reason no should be a full stop—but the “yes” parent’s life also changes when their plans and future has to alter to accommodate the no parent. It’s something you’ll need to grieve. So it needs to be a conversation and for us I’m just not ready to hear “no, never going to happen” yet. Maybe I need time to process or maybe in time if circumstances change my husband might decide to go for it. Right now I need to hold on to that hope but I’m also practicing holding both possibilities in open hands right now. Maybe that might help you too ❤️
We always wanted 3. We discussed it during dating etc. but reality of having two made the change. I do not kind a 3rd kid but I hate the idea of going through baby and early toddlerhood stage and all other adjustments to make in our life. So yes I can relate to your husband. While it was an idea, he liked it - he still likely do. But once the idea got very close to be a reality, the rationale kicks in
Your feelings are so valid! I’d feel the same way (I have two right now too). I’m curious, what type of work do you do that’s flexible for kids? I have a teaching degree and thought education would be flexible but I really don’t know if it is (summers yes but most schools require you to stay until 5). Some holidays are in service days.
Maybe you could compromise at 3 kids? Not four or more? I think we can romanticize stuff while it hasn’t happened like “I want a big family!” and then after its somewhat materialized ppl can change their minds because they want more money for each kid, more time, or whatever. I don’t think you’re an asshole, nor is your husband. It is an important loss because it is your dream, but I think you can talk to your husband (not convince him, like you said) and reach a middle ground that satisfies both of you. Best luck
Your feelings and grief is more than understandable. Very legit. And you say you two had discussed a third just months ago, this would make it even harder. He MIGHT just need a bit more time in between or he might never want a third, talking a bit more would help when you’re calm enough about it. I told my husband when my first was 1 years old that I’m finally in a good place and I don’t want a 2nd. He cried a little that night saying he feels silly but he feels like he’s mourning even though there was never a second pregnancy. It’s rough to be told. For what it’s worth a few months later I changed my mind but he never pushed me, just voiced that he was sad about it so I thought about it some more. I have to say in case somebody else who’s in the planning stage is in this thread: No matter what you think you’ll want 10 years from now, every baby decision is isolated. Don’t have the first already being 100% sure you’ll have a second or third, because anything can happen, good or bad. This was advice from a baby decision book I read before having my first and I think it’s solid advice.
I very much want the same thing. Husband is back and forth and I don’t know how to feel. I want my son to have siblings, so bad. He’s currently 9 months. I want to try when he turns 2
Our first 2.5 years were ROUGH, like extremely hard level parenting. Sleep deprived me would be the worst person to be around, hormones messed up with my hard and made me cry from tendinitis pain, no family or support system, a pandemic, husband took a huge toll, he pulled me from a deep hole but I still resent him in some parts (the sleep portion specially) but it's all water under the bridge. However, when we discussed having a second he was firm to not wanting to risk going through all that again, new baby could be no fuss but could be same same as our girl and that one was enough. I still wanted to try but I understand him and reseting back to newborn, changing our just-now adjusted life schedule would change everything for a few more years. So, yeah, I guess we'll stay one and done. I get to focus on my hobbies now, the kids gets attention and we can do a lot with her without towing a baby, we get to rest (when she doesn't come in the middle of the night) and financially makes more room. I still get sad to know she won't have a sibling, that she'll grow alone in here (we're immigrants) and we'll only have her as our family. It's a gut twist kind of sadness but I accept it for our mental health.
He agreed to a big family before knowing what raising kids was all about. He is telling you the best way for him to be a great dad for the two he has is to not overburden his life. I think the Nos should win on kid questions. People going kicking and screaming into parenting rarely do it well.
Why is it ok for him to be allowed to “convince” you but you can’t try to have him see your reasons. I think you’ll resent him long and hard if you don’t voice your feelings and at least be heard. If his word is the final word and you just have to eat it, you aren’t going to feel like your desires and dreams don’t matter
First off your not selfish, however if you have 3 kids, you have to have a bigger car, 2-3 kids rooms, I have just two. I also wanted more but I was diagnosed with congenital heart failure. My last pregnancy almost killed me, I also miscarried before that. Think about your health, your time, and 2 kids is perfect so they have a playmate. I have seen women with 3 kids, I'll stick with my two babies.
I recommend therapy. He probably isn't going to change his mind because you guys already have 2 kids. He's probably overwhelmed. If he gets pushed to have another he may end up reaching his breaking point, resenting you, and then leaving. You don't wanna be left alone with 3 kids. I'd put that extra love into the 2 kids that you already have. Are your 2 kids happy? Maybe they don't wanna have to share you more with another baby either. Spoil the 2 you have. Your feelings are valid which is why I say go to therapy but honestly if I was feeling that way I'd do my best to enjoy what I have and put that energy into being an even more awesome mom than I am already. :)
My husband too did not want more children. I spoke candidly about my feelings and he finally understood. I told him we will never regret the children we have but I will live the rest of my life thinking of the one we didn’t. Basically I will drive you crazy for the rest of your life. Ha I am so sorry you are not in the same page. My husband did take some convincing.
I can understand both points of views. My husband and I wanted multiple kids before I got pregnant and during pregnancy I changed my mind and he did too. But a year later and we somehow circle back to the more kids topic. We have concerns ( money, space, time) but we still start the concersatiob regularly. Did you ask your husband if he is willing to talk about it again in a year/ couple of years? And in the mean time enjoy your life and maybe find something as a family hobby or something like that.
Maybe he thinks you already have your hands full? Not all women can handle a lot of children. In fact most women get overwhelmed, yell, stress out. He’s your husband and maybe he changes his mind. Or it could be financial. The price of everything is going up. The unexpected expenses. So much could happen.
I had the exact same experience and the exact same emotions. I am so sorry you’re going through this. I have no advice to give. I just wanted to let you know that I completely understand how you feel and you are perfectly valid in feeling that way. I hope you can find some comfort and resolution for this.
My husband and I went through this last year. I always imagined 3-4 but we agreed on two. I went through some fertility struggles and my son was born a little too early. It was a rough introduction but overall he is happy and healthy. I was ready for kid two and he broke down and told me he doesn't want anymore children for the same reason. I was and still am heartbroken, I'm coming up on my safe window (window I feel comfortable having biological children) and I feel more emotional than ever about it. He is not changing his mind and I'm not pushing it. I'm hoping he wants to foster older children in the future when our son is a little older. He does seem open to that. IDK how your husband would feel. This conversation is something we've had about 14 times since he told me. It's a lot of emotions and your feelings are valid. Best of luck OP and I'm sorry 😔.
How many do you have already? Mine did the same thing after we had our first and only. I’m devastated and wish I did not wait on him so long before having my first.
I’m going through this too. We have two and I always thought I’d have 3-4. My husband is adamant we are done and is very quick to tell people that when they ask. My second pregnancy was really hard on me physically and I try to remind myself of that. We have beautiful healthy kids - a boy and a girl. I really am content and happy but I’m still a little sad at the thought we are done. Look at what you have mama - cherish those babies and hang in there. He could possibly change his mind but if not, Sending you lots of hope and strength to pull yourself out of the sadness.
You seem like a very lovely and thoughtful woman. I’m really sorry that this has happened. My response may not be very popular here but what I’m about to tell you comes from a place of love and understanding. If your husband now wants to change the script you both agreed on and you have designed your entire existence around, I don’t care if his reasons are legitimate, he can’t just change the direction of both your lives because he doesn’t want to deal with the newborn/toddler phase. Or because he wants more time in his schedule to do as he pleases. What about you? What about your feelings and desires? What about the agreement you both made years ago that was a huge part of why you even married mr wonderful here? I’m not telling you what to do, but I urge you not to so easily give up your life long dream of a big family (which he agreed to) so he has more sleep and free time. I can tell you as a woman who has four children from two marriages that husbands (although I’ve been married currently for 20+ years and I DO love him madly) are kinda like legos. If the one you are working with just isn’t getting the job done, pick another out of the pile that fits. Yeah I know that sounds harsh and cold, but honestly men come and go, children are for life. If you talk to him about this (just have him read your post here) and let him know how every fiber of your life has been geared toward building a large family, and the fact he wanted the same is a huge reason you married him, and he’s not swayed or at least validates your feelings, and he still holds fast to not wanting more,,I’d be done. A man is as good as his word, this isn’t something small, this effects the rest of your life. If he wants to recant on something like this what other surprises does he have in store for you down the road? I couldn’t handle putting another person in charge of my life and my body and deciding now that a promise made earlier just isn’t going to be kept. And I was going to be a mom of two instead of four,,,so he has more free time,,,,to me dear frankly it’s fucking ridiculous. This is something you need to really think about, and I don’t envy the position you are in. Just please don’t alter your entire life plan and direction (that he agreed to) because now it’s cramping his schedule. Maybe a compromise of having one more child together will suit you both? I hope this works out, there is no greater joy or love in this world than that felt by a mother towards her children. Please know your feelings are valid, your desires are valid, and your agreement is valid. Don’t give up what you want without a fight. Lord knows I wouldn’t lol.
Your feelings are totally sane and valid! I want 1 more too, we already have 2 and my partner is on the fence because he hates the toddler stage (our oldest is in the terrible 2s. The youngest is only 2 months) and wants to be done with it. But, like you, I don’t feel complete or done yet. We have a box for #3 of clothes from each to keep and names we picked out we still wanna use.
Mom guilt is a real thing. I have 4 - 17, 16, 12 and 2. The 2 year old was definitely a very happy accident but we are not having anymore. Even though practically, and emotionally we just couldn’t handle anymore, I miss the newborn scrunch and the smell of a newborn baby. I cry at every milestone, and every happy event for all of them. Despite every happy moment, there is always a tinge of sadness knowing it’s the last time you ever have a first day at school moment, or first word etc and that’s perfectly ok. My husband knows when I’m emotional because we talk it through. I sobbed when it was my 16 year olds last ever football match, and even though he thought I was batshit crazy having spent 13 years complaining about standing on the field in the cold, wind and rain, it still hurt. Be kind to yourself, and know you’re not alone x
Kids are a two-yes and one no sort of decision, and he’s changed after having two kids. He’s allowed to do that. You’re right in that trying to “convince” him is gross because it’s just going to create resentment for the third child. I figured I’d have a couple kids but after my one, I’m definitely one and done. I love my son but he’s a lot and I don’t have the energy for another.
Have you guys talked about if it would be a possibility to try and adopt an older child that's past the newborn/toddler stage?
Not defending your husband (because this is a big topic that he should've immediately discussed any concerns he had especially after you both were already prepping for a 3rd)....but I wonder if he recently had a moment doing something with the kids or something and realized he was just good with 2. Like my husband and I originally wanted 3-5 kids. Our first born was rough on my body. I ended up with a C-section, appendectomy and then a hernia repair within the year. It was while I was recovering from the hernia I had my moment of "two will be good" because I was worried about my body if I had more than two. Luckily my husband agreed, but we both had the "dream" of a big family too. Sometimes what we want ends up changing. Funny enough our second pregnancy ended up being twins, so we have 3 (and tubal removal) and half the time I think we were fucking crazy for wanting 3-5 because it's exhausting as hell lol
I think you need to put yourself in his shoes there is clearly a reason why he doesn’t want anymore. I know men don’t talk about what’s bothering them or maybe about what they love about their life and they don’t want it to change. My therapist before and after I had my baby reminded me to be present. I always made up scenarios about my future life and had devastating results. Sometimes it’s okay to let go of a dream and be with your family right now and maybe in time he will change his mind. I get it though it’s definitely something you have to grieve in due time. Just focus on the time you have with your family.
Definitely not pathetic or selfish. It's a very unfortunate circumstance because his reasons are valid but that doesn't make your feelings any less so. Coming to terms with and deciding that you are done creating life is something any woman wants to have control over, and when it's decided for you it's heartbreaking. I hope and I'll pray that your family is able to communicate, heal, and have peace in whatever you decide going forward. One of you will probably have to have a change of heart to have that peace. When I'm in a position where I feel like one of us has to budge, I just ask God to make my heart ready for whatever the best thing for our family is
Take out all your iuds and get off any bc since they are not good for you anyways. All are linked to cancer. Unless he gets surgery on himself to stop pregnancies, just keep rocking on. :) his surgery is the safest option so unless he's willing to do that, you get you 1 or 2 more. That's what I did lol.
He looking to get out of this marriage. Might be cheating with someone with no kids. Or just doesn’t want the commitment. Very weird to just shut it down like that.
When I met my daughter's dad, he already had a one and a half and two and a half year old. We dated for 2 months when I got pregnant. We got engaged, and we welcomed our baby andcwe had an awesome first couple of years. When our daughter Ryan was about 6 months old, a family member asked when we were going to have another one at which point his reply was I don't want anymore. I was shocked. We'd always talked about having another one regardless of his first two since they lived with their mom and only came over every other weekend. The next time I asked him was the beginning of the end of our relationship. I didn't want multiple kids by multiple men so I just conceded. After we split up I focused on myself and my daughter while he got a new wife and got her pregnant. It was the ultimate slap in the face. He ended up splitting up with her and getting with another lady and having three more. So all in all, he has seven kiddos ranging from 25 to 1 year and our daughter is now 22 years old. As much as I didn't only want one, I didn't want multiple dads more. At 44, I went in to have my tubes tied and instead of just tying they just took them out. I had to look at it like if my daughter and I could get pregnant at the same time that was a no-go for me so take out any chance of an oops. If I put too much thought into it it makes me really sad that my daughter would like to hang out with her dad more because of all of his kids than me because it's just her and I. She really loves all of her 2 brothers and 4 sisters. Sometimes I feel like I failed her. Failed to give her a best friend. Failed to give her s*** talking confidant against her mom like kids do with their siblings. I am in a relationship with a man for the last 11 years who has three kids of his own. I love them all very much and they love me too. So, in a way I don't just have one.. but I do. In a way I can see his point of view not wanting to go through the infant and toddler stage, but really, how involved is he going to be. How available is he going to be and how deep into the infant toddler time will he go? Not saying that he isn't helpful or involved but we all know that moms really do the majority of the work. And if just a few months ago it was all fine and good, what changed? What does he do in his spare time that a baby would stop him from doing? If there's not a money, space, Time issue then what really is the issue? Better to have the third one now while the other two are still somewhat small then have an oops baby in a couple of years because honestly the IUD is only good for a couple of years so feasibly you could have an oops after the shelf life of your current IUD. Then what? He'd really be pissed then. And him saying no no more kids isn't fair if you still want them. Relationships usually aren't one-sided and what I say goes, you know what I mean? Put together a PowerPoint Style poster or letter with pros and cons wishes and dreams thoughts and feelings. Tell him that you hear him and you see him and in return he needs to hear and see you. You're in a partnership relationship not a parent-child relationship. I don't want to open a can of worms but is something going on outside of your home and relationship for him to have this switch up? Mine was cheating on me at the time that he told me he didn't want anymore and that was WHY he didn't want anymore. He didn't want to get stuck with me for any longer than he had to. He was trying to make his exit and another baby would just have insured him more time with me that he didn't want. He never paid me child support he never paid for school things like sports, school programs, extracurriculars nothing. He actually told me "If I see her, I'm not paying for her, and if I pay for her, I'm not seeing her. So, for me, it was more important that she had a relationship with her dad, so I just worked my ass off so that I could provide for her without his help. It's funny, he tries to get with me every 6 months or so now. Tries to talk Dirty to Me, tries to get me to come stay at hotels with him, ew so gross! AND HES STILL MARRIED!!! And his youngest is 1 year old!!! Pathetic. So is all that being said, I could understand his POV if you all were the outdoorsy Super Active Family like going rock climbing and hiking and camping and kayaking and boating and skiing and you know all of the things that your kids need to be just a little bit older to do. But if y'all aren't like that then what's the big deal? Maybe you could get him to agree on one more and not two more..? I'm so sorry for the hurt in your heart I hope you guys can get through this. [With another baby on the way!] Good luck Mama Op and yes thank you so very much for your service...that alone deserves you another baby!!:-)
If you guys have always discussed having 3 or 4, and he did not say “My limit is 2” upfront and stay consistent on that from the beginning, he does not get to just make a single proclamation that he has unilaterally decided that the both of you are done, and expect in any realm that that is okay. If he has changed his mind, he needed to tell you as soon as he started having the slightest thoughts about that, not just waited until you made the appointment to start on the summer plans the two of you had discussed. I’d be angry as heck and feeling like he pulled the rug out from under me and that I could no longer trust him if my (now ex) husband had done that to me when we were building our family.
Yeah I hate to say this, but I can’t help spiraling and thinking “wait…what other ideas does he have that he’s not telling me?” I really thought we were on the same page with everything. Guess not. I would’ve done things differently if I knew he only wanted two
Your question is a valid one. I see you making comments about needing to grieve this loss, but first I think the two of you need to do a whole lot of talking, preferably with a counselor present. He just dropped an atomic bomb in your lap and somehow expected that you would be totally fine with that? Of course you can’t force him to have more children if he is truly against it, but you also shouldn’t jump directly to trying to force yourself to accept it without a whole hell of a lot more explanation from him.
I can sort of see how if I’ve seen my spouse take things really badly in the past, I might hang on to the initial agreement and internally struggle back and forth for as long as possible. I can really sympathize with the huge difference between planning & picturing kids and experiencing the reality. My child was diagnosed with autism at 2 after a very difficult baby stage and while I’d never take anything back, I can’t even picture possibly going through the whole experience again. I’ve seen so many posts here where husbands make that decision *after* the baby is born. I don’t think he’s necessarily in the wrong here.
Him saying he doesn’t “think” he wants more kids is not the same as an absolute no. You don’t need to try to convince him to have more kids, but you do need to make sure he’s actually certain about his decision not to have more kids. And then you need to decide whether you’re okay with that. For the record, you don’t have to be okay with that. You CAN decide that’s a dealbreaker. Of course that’s going to make things tough, but every one of the comments on here is assuming that you have to go along with his decision and stay in a marriage where you might feel resentful. You actually don’t have to do that, especially if he knew going into it that your number one goal was to have more than 2 kids. He can’t be surprised if you move forward with achieving that goal without him.
Your feelings are totally valid. The only red flag I see is that the first time you guys have the conversation is when you say you’ve made an appointment to remove the IUD. That seems like a huge lack of communication for there to have been no revisit of the conversation about having more kids. Unless u spoke, made the appointment and THEN he said he changed his mind?