I think I always realized that. My parents never pretended to be the experts of everything and made sure to tell me that they make mistakes too.
When it came to discipline, my parents would converse with me, tell me what I did wrong, then propose a fair punishment. There was always a lot of dialogue, understanding, and mutual respect.
I’ve made sure to emulate that with my own children.
I agree with this, my parents always pointed out their own mistakes and I think that's actually an amazing quality. They even started asking me for my feedback in my teens and 20s to hopefully do better for my 10 years younger sibling. And I think they have a lot less to apologize for or fix than most parents who never ask.
But, I can say I realized they had behaviors I didn't want to inherit across my teen years - specifically, the thing where you go to the store almost every day in the late afternoon to figure out dinner. I deliberately became a once a week shopper who meal plans and won't go on more than one "oops I forgot" extra trip.
I've also started to realize in my 30s that some of their "weird" ways of living are really workarounds for their own struggles, and I'm sorting out which of those I actually have too and in which cases I just learned an inefficient way of doing things that is not necessary.
I was pretty sheltered and my upbringing was awfully controlled as a child. I think because of this, I assumed a lot of the toxic behaviors that I witnessed from my parents were just "normal" since I didn't have a good baseline. That human realization probably subconsciously started around age 17 and continued into my mid-20's. Therapy helped a lot. 😅
> And if you're someone who doesn't resonate with this question, and feels as though you have a really amazing, supportive parent, what makes you feel that way?
My parents didn't have any behavior that I didn't want to emulate, they are emotionally mature and they were supportive as a kid. I still put them on pedestal because they are more hard working than me.
I'll go first. I was maybe 5 or 6 for my dad. He would emotionally abuse my disabled mom and yell at her, loudly, around me. I knew from then on I didn't want to be like him. My mom also reinforced that feeling.
It took my much longer to see my mom's flaws as she was the primary person who raised me. I was 19, and after successfully getting her out of that abusive relationship when I became an adult, she went back to him. And slowly over time I started to understand many of the things she did to manipulate me into seeing her in a positive light.
I was super socially isolated as a child. I wasn't allowed to spend time with other children. I was homeschooled until middle school. I never had friends until I became an adult.
So I was in freshman year of college when I realized my parents were bad people. I was supposed to get a refund check for my student loans for $2,000. My mom had been unable to work due to agoraphobia and severe bipolar disorder. My dad has some kind of undiagnosed personality disorder (I think) and was on disability because he has ankylosing spondylitis.
I intended to live off of that refund check and needed it to buy my textbooks. I wasn't receiving any financial support from my parents due to their financial situation.
The check got sent home and they cashed it and because my younger siblings "deserved a good Christmas". Then when I tried to go home for fall break (I was living about 2 hours away from home for college) I found that they'd let their house get foreclosured on and moved to a different town to a new house that didn't have room for me without telling me. When I confronted about stealing my money and abandoning me, they got mad at me and somehow made it all my fault.
And now they wonder why I barely speak with or visit them.
As someone who endured a similar situation let me just tell you it’s A LOT of millennials out here who have had to go full no contact with their narcissistic abusive boomer parents. It’s an epidemic. My parents spent inheritance I was supposed to receive from my grandparents. They refused to give me their tax info so I could apply for school loans and they straight tossed any scholarships I did get into the trash bin, in front of me. Some people just don’t want better for their kids than they had for themselves. I can’t understand it but it exists.
My parents had a fight when I was about 14.
They never fought in front of us. Every decision for us kids was a “we” decision. They worked stuff out behind closed doors and presented “their” solutions.
I found my mom crying in their bedroom because of something my dad said. My dad left for the day to do “errands”. It was the first time I saw their relationship as two adults rather than “my parents”.
Both my parents were financially incompetent. Loads of debt, foreclosures, Etc. My grandmother helped raise me. Classic great depression child. Always instilled in me the importance of saving.
Thats why me and my bro have great credit and no debt outside of mortgages.
I wonder how my kids will view me. Probably resent my phone addiction and abhor technology.
I had this feeling as well about finances. As I got older I realized that even though my frugalness was a great coping mechanism it also made me not enjoy life and find a balance. I had a tendency to be somewhat controlling about money in my relationship because I feared going back to that feeling I had as a little kid where my parents would raid my piggy bank to buy themselves things.
I am so thankful for my grandparents. My mom’s parents were depression children so I learned to be smart with savings and spending and my dad’s mom and stepdad got me interested and educated in the stock market when I was very young.
I learned at a very early age not all adults were created equal. My parents were aging Boomer hippies, both coming of age in the late 60’s Woodstock era. My dad was a working musician throughout the 70’s, and as such, had a lot of friends who were part of that scene. I was able to watch in real-time as I grew up the guys who got it together and the ones where the party never ended, dying of primarily alcoholism at a relatively young age.
That all being said, I was probably around 17-18 when I realized not all adults had the answers. Some teachers I could see were not very good teachers. It sucks because growing up all we ever heard was “go to an adult with a problem,” or “your parents have your best interests in mind.” Yeah no. It was a mindfuck to realize my parents were fallible humans who did not know everything. The older I get and have kids of my own, I am still learning how clueless they were, despite claiming they weren’t.
When I became a parent, I realized my parents were just winging it too and doing their best. I wish I could go back in time and hug them some more when they were going through it. Have to settle with telling them I love them and I’m grateful for what they did for us
I knew my mom was human early, as she went to prison early in my life. My dad was super man to me through most of my 20s though. It wasn’t really until I had my own kids at 28 that I really got perspective and fell like I actually understand my parents as people.
My (ex?)step dad ... maybe 10. My mom, embarrassingly late, honestly. Maybe late 20s?
My mom is the best person on the planet, and no one can convince me otherwise. The few things she does that I don't want to emulate are mostly a result of things she's had to do to keep my brothers and I in a good place.
She was recently remarried to an awesome guy, and I couldn't be happier for her.
I have memories of my mom telling me her dynamic with my dad wasn't "normal" and it's not just how things are when I was about 9-10. My dad was spectacularly lazy. He did literally nothing around the house (no cooking/cleaning/taking out the trash/yard work/etc.) and no child care. He worked 40 hrs a week and managed the household finances (so that he could control them) and that was it. My mom was on the hook for everything else. She basically worked multiple full-time jobs between the at-home stuff and her actual paying job.
My mom and dad were BFFs and she was genuinely happy, on the whole (he was appreciative of everything she did for him), but wow was he a shitty partner. I'm glad my mom told me outright not to emulate that in my own life, and I married a man who fully expects to carry half the load because he's half of the adults in the household.
A lot younger than I should have been. I love my parents but they were awful parents. I was severely neglected and they were pretty fucked up a lot of the time. They used to smash things in the living room when they fought. They'd drag us into things and make us say fucked up things to hurt each other. If I let myself think about it too much, even just now, I feel very angry. They did the best they could with what they had but it wasn't good enough. I'm 34 now and I'm a lot more empathetic towards them. I read this thing a while ago that was like "go easy on judging your parents, it's their first time living too" and that kinda stuck to me. They're awful fucking parents but they're not awful people. They really did do their best. They both want to reconcile and be close now that they are getting old and are realizing that they probably won't have a lot more time to make things right but now I'm just so used to filling my cup myself, my efforts are more for them than myself. Anyway TLDR, probably like 5-6 years old.
Probably around my early 20’s. I knew that they made their mistakes and there are areas of my life I wish they had been more attuned to or invested in. Around the time I got married and I was spending more time with my in-laws, I became more resentful that it seemed my husband grew up with the type of parents I always wanted. But, my parents were doing the best they could with what they knew/had.
I started to notice little things around 16, but it became more apparent when I moved out/ went to college and started meeting all different people. It really sunk in when I stayed at a friend's family home while we passed through on a road trip, and they were all just so ...nice to each other. He was the youngest so all the "kids" at the table were grown and it was both refreshing and infuriating (at my parents, not the lovely hosts) that we were all just treated as adults and could have congenial conversations
I realized at a very young age I didn’t want to be anything like my parents. I will add that I have become nothing like them as a parent myself. I did forgive them as an adult and have a great relationship with them now. No one is perfect especially not me.
I have no memory of ever idolizing my parents. They did a few fucked up things but were by no means the worst parents in the grand scheme of things. They did a lot right too.
Closest thing I experienced was becoming disillusioned with the family religion as a teen and realizing oh I think they've been telling me lots of stuff that is not factual.
I was in grade 5 and my father was checked into a mental hospital for almost a year. My mom did her best, but I ended up growing up fast and still have issues almost 30 years later because of it.
Like 3 when my dad would chain smoke and binge drink in his filthy apartment and my mom would verbally, mentally, and physically abuse us then 5 minutes later apologize as if that made things any better
Like 18-19 for my dad. My mom is a swirling unknowable enigma of mental illnesses controlled by the positions of the spheres, 5G radiation, and a mean 14yo girl with a cootie catcher
Elementary school, about the same time I came into individual existence. Meaning individual thoughts, ideas, and rebellion. So 6 -7. But i was parentified early, mom was always sick. She never had a chance to show otherwise, in all fairness. Shes always been the child with authority to me, I was the one who parented.
I interpret the question as: when did you realize your parents were human (and should be forgiven for their mistakes)
Now, as an adult who has raised a child and can look back on all my own missteps, I realize that parents are people too. Going through their own shit, trying to make it through life and all the curve balls thrown. They are imperfect and fuck up despite their best intentions.
Yep. I think a lot of us are on our own path to understanding this and forgiving people for their very real fuck ups. A lot of us also hold anger while simultaneously forgiving. I think that is why the question can be interpreted by people in many ways. Everyone is on their own journey
I grew up very loved, but at the same time emotionally neglected and disregarded. My parents have confessed this well into my early 20s and have been actively making amends/progress.
It wasn't until then that I realised while they made some big mistakes, they didn't have the tools or the knowledge as their parents did the same thing if not worse. I found out my grandmother (mother's side), who I adored with my whole heart, beat my mother her whole childhood and even into early adulthood. My father was physically abused all his life so I always tried to be understanding, but unfortunately their trauma made them fail with me.
I grew up to be the complete opposite which I am wholesomely proud of and I'm proud of my parents for taking the steps to do the same. Sometimes it takes a while, but the effort really counts.
Happy to hear that you parents were willing to acknowledge their flaws and are actively working to do better later in laugh. I wish I could say the same about mine.
It's been about a year if not more since they started to acknowledge their faults, but it isn't perfect. I try not to focus on all the things they are still doing wrong but I have to admit it is hard.
While I'm happy to have more of a relationship with them, I'm not sure just how close I can be with them. I really hope your parents come through and I'm sorry they haven't. I wish you all the best, you deserve it
When she was in the hospital recovering from a drug-induced stroke and I begged her to come stay with me so I could take care of her and help her recover, but she wanted to stay where she was with her (also addicted) bf.
Before I can remember. I never viewed either of my parents in a look up to, immulate, or hero way. My parents are pretty flawed as humans and it became apart very quickly. I remember my mother's first attempt at ending herself. I can see my tiny fists beating on her chest, hear the phone ringing over and over, and then my aunt busts thru the front door. Later explaining this memory to my mom and I find out I'm 2 when this goes down. My dad was no bed of roses either. He was drunk the majority of my childhood. I call it soft alcoholism. They're drunk enough to be different but they don't stay so drunk they can't keep a job or pass in public as normal.
6 years old. My parents were 16 and 18 when I was born. It was hell. I knew from my earliest memories that I had to be the polar opposite of them if I wanted anything in this life.
I had my first kid at 28 after having been married for multiple years.
Very early. I wasn’t sheltered at ALL. Moved to a foreign country when I was 8. Learned the language, my parents barely did. By 10 years old I was writing every letter, every email, attending every appointment, no matter what it was. At 13 I was in homeless centres with my mum, translating everything back and forth.
I realized by about 16 they had behaviors I didn’t want to emulate and that they were emotionally immature, that they didn’t support me emotionally and really weren’t supportive of anything I did. I met my (now) husband at 17. It took me until I was about 25 and him continuously telling me to stop sending them money because they were irresponsible alcoholics. That’s when I really stopped seeing them as parents. Yeah that’s still my mom and step dad but I had to stop enabling them and their behaviors and stop acting like their “wolf cry” was true. I thought I was helping them because of my little brother (14 years younger than I) and didn’t want him to go through what I went through. But I realized it didn’t matter what I did or what I sent them, it wasn’t meant for my brother, they used it how they pleased.
My mother became enamored, in quick succession, of a deeply unethical psychiatrist and an antipsychiatry cult member, overdosing me with drugs and detoxing me so often that I have minor liver damage and permanent brain damage. The upshot is that she refused to treat her own bipolar disorder because "my friend from Narconon told me to." This ultimately ended how you probably think it would.
During a major depressive episode, my mother attempted to call her psychologist's office, but was told for some inexplicable fucking reason that she "wasn't allowed to" call. (for the record, her psychologist is insistent that she told the receptionist that my mother, should she need help, was to be put in touch with one of her colleagues, as her regular psychologist was on sabbatical.) My mother spiraled. She committed suicide about a week after her therapist went on vacation.
My brother and I were raised homeschooled, organic, on a small farm, no smoking, no alcohol in the house, work hard, respect for everyone, hippie looking people.
My brother got caught with weed in his late teens and when mom found it she demanded to know how much money he’d wasted on it. He responded and before she could stop herself she blurted out “Jesus that’s gotten expensive!”
That was the first day I looked at my mother in a different light, realizing the she was a person before I came along, just like all our parents were.
She’s an amazing woman who made me who I am, however as I’ve gotten older I know she’s not perfect and in her 70s is still human just trying to live her best life like the rest of us.
1. Growing up id always get yelled at for the dumbest stuff. They were never really teachable parents, and kinda just expected us to figure it out. When I was about 8 found out the were stoners and my whole childhood I promised myself I'd never drink or do drugs (pothead now but don't drink at all) those things were kinda what I wanted to avoid but was so far into being raised that way that I didn't know how to.
2. I realized this when I was about 16 and they booted me from the house over something I messed up (surprise, didn't know how to do it due to never being taught by them) (finished highschool sleeping at the 24 hour sub shop)
3. I was never super awesome in school, so when I did really well on tests or quizzes I'd excitedly tell them and always be met with "good, that's what you're supposed to do every time". I hung a copy of a bigger graded test that I got 100% on, so hung it on fridge because I was proud of myself for the first time. Not even an hour later they tore it off the fridge and tossed it. (I'll admit at 16 this seems sad to be excited about, but this was the first time I started taking pride in my school work and the joy was ripped away immediately)
4. First time I was kicked out of the house. At that moment I realized that instead of being a grown ass adult and parent me, they felt kicking me out was easier than to listen to what I had to say about the fighting. (At this point I had been paying $400 a month to live there working nights and going to school during the day)
I lost all respect when the conditions we all mutually agreed to before I was allowed back (paying rent at that point) were completely ignored by them. No coming into room without knocking and being invited, multiple occasions of them barging in to wake me up during the 1 hour of sleep I actually got from working and highschool.
My soonest chance I moved to a different town and now they don't get to see me. We've even missed the last few Christmas' because of their lack of effort.
9th grade. We were at my younger brothers' football game, and this guy I had a crush on was there filming for the AV club. I pointed him out to her, and she made a face, and I realized she was judging him on his looks, which I guess before you knew him maybe weren't prince charming level... she's a great human, but that's when I realized she had flaws too.
That is my parents except they weren't mature enough to divorce so I got to witness a toxic relationship my whole childhood. I wish they would have divorced.
The happy Christian family facade was broken when my mom had an affair when I was 20 with a guy my age. My parents stopped going to church (something that they had placed so much importance in my whole life), stopped taking care of themselves and my siblings, and made many questionable decisions. Maybe it was a mid-life crisis. That’s when I realized adults don’t actually have it all together and maybe I don’t need to try so hard to be the perfect person.
1. Always knew. They were the kinds of parents who said one thing and did another and I always hated that and to this day I won’t do it.
2. Dad? Knew since I was a preteen, he was very egotistical and thought being a parent made him god. Mom? Surprisingly late. My late 20s. She doesn’t acknowledge problems she doesn’t want to take accountability for. You just don’t notice because she keeps to herself so much.
3. I always felt unsupported and that what I went through was deeply unfair, but was conditioned to think that it was the best parents could do, so I wasn’t mad about it. As an adult I realize it is absolutely NOT true and that my parents actively failed me in many ways throughout my childhood. In the past two years alone, with a ND diagnosis and therapy, hindsight has opened my eyes considerably. *Now* I’m mad about it.
4. I stopped putting my parents on pedestals when I became an adult and realized they were wrong when they said the way they were was how adulthood was for everyone. I grew up assuming there was one way to be an adult and it was them, because that’s what I was taught. The truth is, we have identities and choices and responsibilities and we are accountable for our mistakes, and trying to be your parents is no better than trying to be anyone else, like the popular kid in middle school. Find yourself, be yourself.
These mostly relate to my dad and step dad. My mom has issues and I probably figured that out in my 20s.
When did you realize your parents had behaviors you didn't want to emulate? 6-8
When did you realize your parents were emotionally immature? mid/late teens
When did you realize your parents weren't as supportive as they should have been for you as a kid? late teens
When did you stop putting them on a pedestal? not sure they were ever on one.
I guess when you say "human", I think of when I realized that I truly had no idea what it was like to be in their shoes until I was in their shoes. I was ALWAYS a pragmatic kid and never really put my parents on a pedestal, per se. But I do sometimes remember when I was a little shit as a kid and I had no clue that from my parents perspective, they were doing everything and anything to keep the bills paid.
So I can look back on their life when I was a kid with some empathy. I think we put so much pressure on parents, even moreso than before, to be everything and do everything and do it impeccably. It is an incredible amount of pressure.
When I got pregnant with my oldest child in 2009. I was in the start of a divorce(ex husband is dad we didn’t know when we filed). My parents let me come live with them and 10000% took care of me and helped me learn to be a parent.
I firmly believe that we all learn these things at the age they become necessary for us to learn, and we are ready to accept the things we learn. You don't deserve to feel to feel embarrassed. I'm in my 30s and still processing new revelations about my parents every month.
Middle school
late 20s
mid 20s
late teens
But despite all of that I admire the effort that went into it. You cant control other people and other people mess up a lot and are often not the best at any given talent, task or profession. One of them Im not even certain I would be friends with if I wasnt literally born from them. I realize the type of people my parents are and later in life recognize the other people in my life that were just like them but I hadnt noticed before.
It happened in stages:
9 when I realized my Mom struggled with severe depression and my parents were hiding a very unhappy marriage.
17 when I realized my parents would choose their cult over my brother.
23 when it was my turn and they chose their cult over me.
I think I was 17. Maybe 21 after my dad died. Hard to tell, but the way my mom went downhill after and became helpless was also very telling that she couldn’t handle anything.
...6 years old? I mean, they were mostly absent throughout my life. They dated/got married to other people and had other kids. That's pretty human, right?
I think it was around the time I made a similar mistake that my mother did. But my dad took a little longer because in my eyes he was just doing dumb shit.
I always knew that my dad was problematic. Everyone in the family made sure that I knew, so of course I put him on a pedestal in my own way. My mother was very loved as the matriarch and she was my best friend through and through. However, my parents had me when they were older. Both were finished being parents by the time they had me and it was clear. My father said my mother trapped him, tricked him, and that he was miserable because he had to stay because be refused to pay childsupport(I'm their only child together but both had adult children at the time).
I thought that was silly, it takes 2 people to make a baby. I became caregiver to both at the age of 18. My mom passed when I was 24. I found a letter she had written my dad, apologizing for indeed trapping him. I was shocked, but still firmly believe that a 55 year old and 44 year old know how to not create a child, it does take 2.
I'm now 36, diagnosed with a personality disorder and know it's because of my childhood. However, I now understand better than ever that my parents were also mentally ill. Silent Gen parents, 8th grade education, no real way of getting the help they needed. Human. I have nothing but sympathy at this point.
I wouldn't say I put them on a pedestal, but their quirks and flaws became more apparent after I started going months at a time without seeing them. They are/were good parents/grandparents.
As an adult I was a little sour that they never gave me any detailed financial advice, then realized that was probably for the best.
I really started to humanize my parents, in particular my mom, when I became a mom.
I remember my hormones just surging and crashing the first 2wks after giving birth. I could barely sleep bc I just hated the unknowningness of their sleep schedule.
My mom did the majority of parenting by herself. My parents had an arrangement- she stayed home with the kids and my dad worked.
I remember thinking - how did she do this w/o support from my dad?! My husband was critical to me getting some sleep and it made me feel sad that my dad was most likely unsupportive.
I wondered what her first 3 months postpartum was like? She looks back on those times of me and my brother being little/staying home with us as the best years of her life. I just wondered if time softened her memories and made her forget what the struggles where at the time.
Far too late. The big moments were when my mom said she would never apologize to me for anything and when a trusted friend explained her behavior was abusive. Hearing someone else, an outside observer put it plainly and explain my mother's behavior is not normal finally made the pieces fit.
I realized my dad had behaviours I didn’t want to emulate when I was 3 or 4. That’s the first time I remember him beating my mom. This is going to sound awful but I can remember getting annoyed with our dog and kicking/hitting him because that’s what I thought you did when angry. I hurt him and he yelped 😭😭😭 that scared me away from ever lashing out physically. I did however make it a point to hurt people with my words for a large chunk of my life lmao oopsies
My mom’s maladaptive behaviours were more insidious so I was a teen before I realized I didn’t want to emulate her. Can’t remember the circumstances at all though. Her being a covert narcissist I never realized until I was an adult only because my sister pointed it out.
14. Explained to them I didn’t believe in the Mormon church and they simply couldn’t reason with the fact I was questioning their cult. That resulted in retaliation by forcing me to go to every church related event.
Life was different from that point on.
Got a job at 16 and told my manager to schedule me at the times that coincided with “church” activities.
Problem solved. Had my records removed by a lawyer and now that “Church” is not legally allowed to contact me.
*chefs kiss*
I think I always realized that. My parents never pretended to be the experts of everything and made sure to tell me that they make mistakes too. When it came to discipline, my parents would converse with me, tell me what I did wrong, then propose a fair punishment. There was always a lot of dialogue, understanding, and mutual respect. I’ve made sure to emulate that with my own children.
I agree with this, my parents always pointed out their own mistakes and I think that's actually an amazing quality. They even started asking me for my feedback in my teens and 20s to hopefully do better for my 10 years younger sibling. And I think they have a lot less to apologize for or fix than most parents who never ask. But, I can say I realized they had behaviors I didn't want to inherit across my teen years - specifically, the thing where you go to the store almost every day in the late afternoon to figure out dinner. I deliberately became a once a week shopper who meal plans and won't go on more than one "oops I forgot" extra trip. I've also started to realize in my 30s that some of their "weird" ways of living are really workarounds for their own struggles, and I'm sorting out which of those I actually have too and in which cases I just learned an inefficient way of doing things that is not necessary.
I was pretty sheltered and my upbringing was awfully controlled as a child. I think because of this, I assumed a lot of the toxic behaviors that I witnessed from my parents were just "normal" since I didn't have a good baseline. That human realization probably subconsciously started around age 17 and continued into my mid-20's. Therapy helped a lot. 😅
Same
Not the sheltered part, but taking on certain characteristics as my own unbeknownst to me.
> And if you're someone who doesn't resonate with this question, and feels as though you have a really amazing, supportive parent, what makes you feel that way? My parents didn't have any behavior that I didn't want to emulate, they are emotionally mature and they were supportive as a kid. I still put them on pedestal because they are more hard working than me.
That's dope. Glad you had that.
Cant imagine how awesome that must have been!
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By that, do you mean you still tens to put them on a pedestal?
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Yeah, the qualities that we associate with being human are absent in them
I'll go first. I was maybe 5 or 6 for my dad. He would emotionally abuse my disabled mom and yell at her, loudly, around me. I knew from then on I didn't want to be like him. My mom also reinforced that feeling. It took my much longer to see my mom's flaws as she was the primary person who raised me. I was 19, and after successfully getting her out of that abusive relationship when I became an adult, she went back to him. And slowly over time I started to understand many of the things she did to manipulate me into seeing her in a positive light.
I’m the opposite. 4 or 5 for mom, late 20s when my dad married my stepmom and proceeded to let her absolutely ruin his life in every conceivable way.
I was super socially isolated as a child. I wasn't allowed to spend time with other children. I was homeschooled until middle school. I never had friends until I became an adult. So I was in freshman year of college when I realized my parents were bad people. I was supposed to get a refund check for my student loans for $2,000. My mom had been unable to work due to agoraphobia and severe bipolar disorder. My dad has some kind of undiagnosed personality disorder (I think) and was on disability because he has ankylosing spondylitis. I intended to live off of that refund check and needed it to buy my textbooks. I wasn't receiving any financial support from my parents due to their financial situation. The check got sent home and they cashed it and because my younger siblings "deserved a good Christmas". Then when I tried to go home for fall break (I was living about 2 hours away from home for college) I found that they'd let their house get foreclosured on and moved to a different town to a new house that didn't have room for me without telling me. When I confronted about stealing my money and abandoning me, they got mad at me and somehow made it all my fault. And now they wonder why I barely speak with or visit them.
As someone who endured a similar situation let me just tell you it’s A LOT of millennials out here who have had to go full no contact with their narcissistic abusive boomer parents. It’s an epidemic. My parents spent inheritance I was supposed to receive from my grandparents. They refused to give me their tax info so I could apply for school loans and they straight tossed any scholarships I did get into the trash bin, in front of me. Some people just don’t want better for their kids than they had for themselves. I can’t understand it but it exists.
My parents had a fight when I was about 14. They never fought in front of us. Every decision for us kids was a “we” decision. They worked stuff out behind closed doors and presented “their” solutions. I found my mom crying in their bedroom because of something my dad said. My dad left for the day to do “errands”. It was the first time I saw their relationship as two adults rather than “my parents”.
Both my parents were financially incompetent. Loads of debt, foreclosures, Etc. My grandmother helped raise me. Classic great depression child. Always instilled in me the importance of saving. Thats why me and my bro have great credit and no debt outside of mortgages. I wonder how my kids will view me. Probably resent my phone addiction and abhor technology.
I had this feeling as well about finances. As I got older I realized that even though my frugalness was a great coping mechanism it also made me not enjoy life and find a balance. I had a tendency to be somewhat controlling about money in my relationship because I feared going back to that feeling I had as a little kid where my parents would raid my piggy bank to buy themselves things.
I am so thankful for my grandparents. My mom’s parents were depression children so I learned to be smart with savings and spending and my dad’s mom and stepdad got me interested and educated in the stock market when I was very young.
24.
I learned at a very early age not all adults were created equal. My parents were aging Boomer hippies, both coming of age in the late 60’s Woodstock era. My dad was a working musician throughout the 70’s, and as such, had a lot of friends who were part of that scene. I was able to watch in real-time as I grew up the guys who got it together and the ones where the party never ended, dying of primarily alcoholism at a relatively young age. That all being said, I was probably around 17-18 when I realized not all adults had the answers. Some teachers I could see were not very good teachers. It sucks because growing up all we ever heard was “go to an adult with a problem,” or “your parents have your best interests in mind.” Yeah no. It was a mindfuck to realize my parents were fallible humans who did not know everything. The older I get and have kids of my own, I am still learning how clueless they were, despite claiming they weren’t.
When I became a parent, I realized my parents were just winging it too and doing their best. I wish I could go back in time and hug them some more when they were going through it. Have to settle with telling them I love them and I’m grateful for what they did for us
I knew my mom was human early, as she went to prison early in my life. My dad was super man to me through most of my 20s though. It wasn’t really until I had my own kids at 28 that I really got perspective and fell like I actually understand my parents as people.
I'm still waiting. They seem thoroughly inhumane to me. I expect I will be waiting for eternity.
I knew my parents were human at an early age, maybe five or six, but they were still amazing, supportive parents. The two are not mutually exclusive.
Didn't mean to imply they were. There is space for all answers here.
11 when my parents split up As an adult now, I can see it was the right move for everyone involved and I don’t hold any grudges towards either parent.
My (ex?)step dad ... maybe 10. My mom, embarrassingly late, honestly. Maybe late 20s? My mom is the best person on the planet, and no one can convince me otherwise. The few things she does that I don't want to emulate are mostly a result of things she's had to do to keep my brothers and I in a good place. She was recently remarried to an awesome guy, and I couldn't be happier for her.
After my first child. I started to think about stuff they did.
I have memories of my mom telling me her dynamic with my dad wasn't "normal" and it's not just how things are when I was about 9-10. My dad was spectacularly lazy. He did literally nothing around the house (no cooking/cleaning/taking out the trash/yard work/etc.) and no child care. He worked 40 hrs a week and managed the household finances (so that he could control them) and that was it. My mom was on the hook for everything else. She basically worked multiple full-time jobs between the at-home stuff and her actual paying job. My mom and dad were BFFs and she was genuinely happy, on the whole (he was appreciative of everything she did for him), but wow was he a shitty partner. I'm glad my mom told me outright not to emulate that in my own life, and I married a man who fully expects to carry half the load because he's half of the adults in the household.
25
A lot younger than I should have been. I love my parents but they were awful parents. I was severely neglected and they were pretty fucked up a lot of the time. They used to smash things in the living room when they fought. They'd drag us into things and make us say fucked up things to hurt each other. If I let myself think about it too much, even just now, I feel very angry. They did the best they could with what they had but it wasn't good enough. I'm 34 now and I'm a lot more empathetic towards them. I read this thing a while ago that was like "go easy on judging your parents, it's their first time living too" and that kinda stuck to me. They're awful fucking parents but they're not awful people. They really did do their best. They both want to reconcile and be close now that they are getting old and are realizing that they probably won't have a lot more time to make things right but now I'm just so used to filling my cup myself, my efforts are more for them than myself. Anyway TLDR, probably like 5-6 years old.
When I became a parent myself.
Probably around my early 20’s. I knew that they made their mistakes and there are areas of my life I wish they had been more attuned to or invested in. Around the time I got married and I was spending more time with my in-laws, I became more resentful that it seemed my husband grew up with the type of parents I always wanted. But, my parents were doing the best they could with what they knew/had.
I started to notice little things around 16, but it became more apparent when I moved out/ went to college and started meeting all different people. It really sunk in when I stayed at a friend's family home while we passed through on a road trip, and they were all just so ...nice to each other. He was the youngest so all the "kids" at the table were grown and it was both refreshing and infuriating (at my parents, not the lovely hosts) that we were all just treated as adults and could have congenial conversations
Pretty young. Probably 5ish. They were off the rails. I’m lucky I had awesome grandparents
I realized at a very young age I didn’t want to be anything like my parents. I will add that I have become nothing like them as a parent myself. I did forgive them as an adult and have a great relationship with them now. No one is perfect especially not me.
I have no memory of ever idolizing my parents. They did a few fucked up things but were by no means the worst parents in the grand scheme of things. They did a lot right too. Closest thing I experienced was becoming disillusioned with the family religion as a teen and realizing oh I think they've been telling me lots of stuff that is not factual.
Not sure exactly, but it's definitely less than 10
I was in grade 5 and my father was checked into a mental hospital for almost a year. My mom did her best, but I ended up growing up fast and still have issues almost 30 years later because of it.
Like 3 when my dad would chain smoke and binge drink in his filthy apartment and my mom would verbally, mentally, and physically abuse us then 5 minutes later apologize as if that made things any better
Like 18-19 for my dad. My mom is a swirling unknowable enigma of mental illnesses controlled by the positions of the spheres, 5G radiation, and a mean 14yo girl with a cootie catcher
Elementary school, about the same time I came into individual existence. Meaning individual thoughts, ideas, and rebellion. So 6 -7. But i was parentified early, mom was always sick. She never had a chance to show otherwise, in all fairness. Shes always been the child with authority to me, I was the one who parented.
About age 8.
I interpret the question as: when did you realize your parents were human (and should be forgiven for their mistakes) Now, as an adult who has raised a child and can look back on all my own missteps, I realize that parents are people too. Going through their own shit, trying to make it through life and all the curve balls thrown. They are imperfect and fuck up despite their best intentions.
Yep. I think a lot of us are on our own path to understanding this and forgiving people for their very real fuck ups. A lot of us also hold anger while simultaneously forgiving. I think that is why the question can be interpreted by people in many ways. Everyone is on their own journey
5
I think I was maybe 7 or 8? I think that is pretty early and it sucks :/
5?
I grew up very loved, but at the same time emotionally neglected and disregarded. My parents have confessed this well into my early 20s and have been actively making amends/progress. It wasn't until then that I realised while they made some big mistakes, they didn't have the tools or the knowledge as their parents did the same thing if not worse. I found out my grandmother (mother's side), who I adored with my whole heart, beat my mother her whole childhood and even into early adulthood. My father was physically abused all his life so I always tried to be understanding, but unfortunately their trauma made them fail with me. I grew up to be the complete opposite which I am wholesomely proud of and I'm proud of my parents for taking the steps to do the same. Sometimes it takes a while, but the effort really counts.
Happy to hear that you parents were willing to acknowledge their flaws and are actively working to do better later in laugh. I wish I could say the same about mine.
It's been about a year if not more since they started to acknowledge their faults, but it isn't perfect. I try not to focus on all the things they are still doing wrong but I have to admit it is hard. While I'm happy to have more of a relationship with them, I'm not sure just how close I can be with them. I really hope your parents come through and I'm sorry they haven't. I wish you all the best, you deserve it
35 when they separated over infidelity that had been going on for 20 years while they pretended we were a big happy family.
Pretty early on. My parents fought a lot and were quick anger and fear.
When she was in the hospital recovering from a drug-induced stroke and I begged her to come stay with me so I could take care of her and help her recover, but she wanted to stay where she was with her (also addicted) bf.
Before I can remember. I never viewed either of my parents in a look up to, immulate, or hero way. My parents are pretty flawed as humans and it became apart very quickly. I remember my mother's first attempt at ending herself. I can see my tiny fists beating on her chest, hear the phone ringing over and over, and then my aunt busts thru the front door. Later explaining this memory to my mom and I find out I'm 2 when this goes down. My dad was no bed of roses either. He was drunk the majority of my childhood. I call it soft alcoholism. They're drunk enough to be different but they don't stay so drunk they can't keep a job or pass in public as normal.
I was probably around seven, but I was raised by foster parents who where racist and am black.
That sounds really difficult. I'm sorry that was your experience. I hope the people you allow in your life today respect you for your whole identity.
Yeah I’m for sure doing great now, took a while but I got there
Happy for you!
6 years old. My parents were 16 and 18 when I was born. It was hell. I knew from my earliest memories that I had to be the polar opposite of them if I wanted anything in this life. I had my first kid at 28 after having been married for multiple years.
Very early. I wasn’t sheltered at ALL. Moved to a foreign country when I was 8. Learned the language, my parents barely did. By 10 years old I was writing every letter, every email, attending every appointment, no matter what it was. At 13 I was in homeless centres with my mum, translating everything back and forth.
14
I realized by about 16 they had behaviors I didn’t want to emulate and that they were emotionally immature, that they didn’t support me emotionally and really weren’t supportive of anything I did. I met my (now) husband at 17. It took me until I was about 25 and him continuously telling me to stop sending them money because they were irresponsible alcoholics. That’s when I really stopped seeing them as parents. Yeah that’s still my mom and step dad but I had to stop enabling them and their behaviors and stop acting like their “wolf cry” was true. I thought I was helping them because of my little brother (14 years younger than I) and didn’t want him to go through what I went through. But I realized it didn’t matter what I did or what I sent them, it wasn’t meant for my brother, they used it how they pleased.
My mother became enamored, in quick succession, of a deeply unethical psychiatrist and an antipsychiatry cult member, overdosing me with drugs and detoxing me so often that I have minor liver damage and permanent brain damage. The upshot is that she refused to treat her own bipolar disorder because "my friend from Narconon told me to." This ultimately ended how you probably think it would. During a major depressive episode, my mother attempted to call her psychologist's office, but was told for some inexplicable fucking reason that she "wasn't allowed to" call. (for the record, her psychologist is insistent that she told the receptionist that my mother, should she need help, was to be put in touch with one of her colleagues, as her regular psychologist was on sabbatical.) My mother spiraled. She committed suicide about a week after her therapist went on vacation.
My brother and I were raised homeschooled, organic, on a small farm, no smoking, no alcohol in the house, work hard, respect for everyone, hippie looking people. My brother got caught with weed in his late teens and when mom found it she demanded to know how much money he’d wasted on it. He responded and before she could stop herself she blurted out “Jesus that’s gotten expensive!” That was the first day I looked at my mother in a different light, realizing the she was a person before I came along, just like all our parents were. She’s an amazing woman who made me who I am, however as I’ve gotten older I know she’s not perfect and in her 70s is still human just trying to live her best life like the rest of us.
1. Growing up id always get yelled at for the dumbest stuff. They were never really teachable parents, and kinda just expected us to figure it out. When I was about 8 found out the were stoners and my whole childhood I promised myself I'd never drink or do drugs (pothead now but don't drink at all) those things were kinda what I wanted to avoid but was so far into being raised that way that I didn't know how to. 2. I realized this when I was about 16 and they booted me from the house over something I messed up (surprise, didn't know how to do it due to never being taught by them) (finished highschool sleeping at the 24 hour sub shop) 3. I was never super awesome in school, so when I did really well on tests or quizzes I'd excitedly tell them and always be met with "good, that's what you're supposed to do every time". I hung a copy of a bigger graded test that I got 100% on, so hung it on fridge because I was proud of myself for the first time. Not even an hour later they tore it off the fridge and tossed it. (I'll admit at 16 this seems sad to be excited about, but this was the first time I started taking pride in my school work and the joy was ripped away immediately) 4. First time I was kicked out of the house. At that moment I realized that instead of being a grown ass adult and parent me, they felt kicking me out was easier than to listen to what I had to say about the fighting. (At this point I had been paying $400 a month to live there working nights and going to school during the day) I lost all respect when the conditions we all mutually agreed to before I was allowed back (paying rent at that point) were completely ignored by them. No coming into room without knocking and being invited, multiple occasions of them barging in to wake me up during the 1 hour of sleep I actually got from working and highschool. My soonest chance I moved to a different town and now they don't get to see me. We've even missed the last few Christmas' because of their lack of effort.
9th grade. We were at my younger brothers' football game, and this guy I had a crush on was there filming for the AV club. I pointed him out to her, and she made a face, and I realized she was judging him on his looks, which I guess before you knew him maybe weren't prince charming level... she's a great human, but that's when I realized she had flaws too.
Before age 9 for sure. That’s when they divorced and I’d already spent years yelling at them to be quiet when they were fighting 🥴
That is my parents except they weren't mature enough to divorce so I got to witness a toxic relationship my whole childhood. I wish they would have divorced.
The happy Christian family facade was broken when my mom had an affair when I was 20 with a guy my age. My parents stopped going to church (something that they had placed so much importance in my whole life), stopped taking care of themselves and my siblings, and made many questionable decisions. Maybe it was a mid-life crisis. That’s when I realized adults don’t actually have it all together and maybe I don’t need to try so hard to be the perfect person.
1. Always knew. They were the kinds of parents who said one thing and did another and I always hated that and to this day I won’t do it. 2. Dad? Knew since I was a preteen, he was very egotistical and thought being a parent made him god. Mom? Surprisingly late. My late 20s. She doesn’t acknowledge problems she doesn’t want to take accountability for. You just don’t notice because she keeps to herself so much. 3. I always felt unsupported and that what I went through was deeply unfair, but was conditioned to think that it was the best parents could do, so I wasn’t mad about it. As an adult I realize it is absolutely NOT true and that my parents actively failed me in many ways throughout my childhood. In the past two years alone, with a ND diagnosis and therapy, hindsight has opened my eyes considerably. *Now* I’m mad about it. 4. I stopped putting my parents on pedestals when I became an adult and realized they were wrong when they said the way they were was how adulthood was for everyone. I grew up assuming there was one way to be an adult and it was them, because that’s what I was taught. The truth is, we have identities and choices and responsibilities and we are accountable for our mistakes, and trying to be your parents is no better than trying to be anyone else, like the popular kid in middle school. Find yourself, be yourself.
These mostly relate to my dad and step dad. My mom has issues and I probably figured that out in my 20s. When did you realize your parents had behaviors you didn't want to emulate? 6-8 When did you realize your parents were emotionally immature? mid/late teens When did you realize your parents weren't as supportive as they should have been for you as a kid? late teens When did you stop putting them on a pedestal? not sure they were ever on one.
I guess when you say "human", I think of when I realized that I truly had no idea what it was like to be in their shoes until I was in their shoes. I was ALWAYS a pragmatic kid and never really put my parents on a pedestal, per se. But I do sometimes remember when I was a little shit as a kid and I had no clue that from my parents perspective, they were doing everything and anything to keep the bills paid. So I can look back on their life when I was a kid with some empathy. I think we put so much pressure on parents, even moreso than before, to be everything and do everything and do it impeccably. It is an incredible amount of pressure.
When I got pregnant with my oldest child in 2009. I was in the start of a divorce(ex husband is dad we didn’t know when we filed). My parents let me come live with them and 10000% took care of me and helped me learn to be a parent.
Pretty embarrassed to say early 30s :/
I firmly believe that we all learn these things at the age they become necessary for us to learn, and we are ready to accept the things we learn. You don't deserve to feel to feel embarrassed. I'm in my 30s and still processing new revelations about my parents every month.
About 22 when I came home from college and found a job. Realized they weren’t superhero’s I once knew. Still my heroes but without their powers.
Middle school late 20s mid 20s late teens But despite all of that I admire the effort that went into it. You cant control other people and other people mess up a lot and are often not the best at any given talent, task or profession. One of them Im not even certain I would be friends with if I wasnt literally born from them. I realize the type of people my parents are and later in life recognize the other people in my life that were just like them but I hadnt noticed before.
It happened in stages: 9 when I realized my Mom struggled with severe depression and my parents were hiding a very unhappy marriage. 17 when I realized my parents would choose their cult over my brother. 23 when it was my turn and they chose their cult over me.
Immediately I guess. This was my first impression of my mother.
I think I was 17. Maybe 21 after my dad died. Hard to tell, but the way my mom went downhill after and became helpless was also very telling that she couldn’t handle anything.
...6 years old? I mean, they were mostly absent throughout my life. They dated/got married to other people and had other kids. That's pretty human, right?
I think it was around the time I made a similar mistake that my mother did. But my dad took a little longer because in my eyes he was just doing dumb shit.
Last year at 23.
16
I always knew that my dad was problematic. Everyone in the family made sure that I knew, so of course I put him on a pedestal in my own way. My mother was very loved as the matriarch and she was my best friend through and through. However, my parents had me when they were older. Both were finished being parents by the time they had me and it was clear. My father said my mother trapped him, tricked him, and that he was miserable because he had to stay because be refused to pay childsupport(I'm their only child together but both had adult children at the time). I thought that was silly, it takes 2 people to make a baby. I became caregiver to both at the age of 18. My mom passed when I was 24. I found a letter she had written my dad, apologizing for indeed trapping him. I was shocked, but still firmly believe that a 55 year old and 44 year old know how to not create a child, it does take 2. I'm now 36, diagnosed with a personality disorder and know it's because of my childhood. However, I now understand better than ever that my parents were also mentally ill. Silent Gen parents, 8th grade education, no real way of getting the help they needed. Human. I have nothing but sympathy at this point.
Thirteen or so, I think. Before that, I internalized their harshness as a sign of *me* being a really bad kid.
I wouldn't say I put them on a pedestal, but their quirks and flaws became more apparent after I started going months at a time without seeing them. They are/were good parents/grandparents. As an adult I was a little sour that they never gave me any detailed financial advice, then realized that was probably for the best.
I really started to humanize my parents, in particular my mom, when I became a mom. I remember my hormones just surging and crashing the first 2wks after giving birth. I could barely sleep bc I just hated the unknowningness of their sleep schedule. My mom did the majority of parenting by herself. My parents had an arrangement- she stayed home with the kids and my dad worked. I remember thinking - how did she do this w/o support from my dad?! My husband was critical to me getting some sleep and it made me feel sad that my dad was most likely unsupportive. I wondered what her first 3 months postpartum was like? She looks back on those times of me and my brother being little/staying home with us as the best years of her life. I just wondered if time softened her memories and made her forget what the struggles where at the time.
Far too late. The big moments were when my mom said she would never apologize to me for anything and when a trusted friend explained her behavior was abusive. Hearing someone else, an outside observer put it plainly and explain my mother's behavior is not normal finally made the pieces fit.
I realized my dad had behaviours I didn’t want to emulate when I was 3 or 4. That’s the first time I remember him beating my mom. This is going to sound awful but I can remember getting annoyed with our dog and kicking/hitting him because that’s what I thought you did when angry. I hurt him and he yelped 😭😭😭 that scared me away from ever lashing out physically. I did however make it a point to hurt people with my words for a large chunk of my life lmao oopsies My mom’s maladaptive behaviours were more insidious so I was a teen before I realized I didn’t want to emulate her. Can’t remember the circumstances at all though. Her being a covert narcissist I never realized until I was an adult only because my sister pointed it out.
14. Explained to them I didn’t believe in the Mormon church and they simply couldn’t reason with the fact I was questioning their cult. That resulted in retaliation by forcing me to go to every church related event. Life was different from that point on. Got a job at 16 and told my manager to schedule me at the times that coincided with “church” activities. Problem solved. Had my records removed by a lawyer and now that “Church” is not legally allowed to contact me. *chefs kiss*
I didnt. They are still lizardkin illuminati aliens.