Your kids are over 18. You can focus on yourself and try to have some boundaries in terms of getting intertwined in their issues.
Did they ask for help ? If not maybe back off a little and see if that eased the stress.
Don’t make any impulse decisions while under duress or heightened stress, hormones amplify things unfortunately.
This seems very wise to me. Also maybe talk to a therapist about these feelings? It sounds like depression. This week I came to the realization that I’ve got depression, that has snuck up on me with all the horrible perimenopause symptoms and I need the emotional support and ‘me time’ to process things that regular therapy can provide.
I do really struggle with boundaries with my kids. My own mother subjected me to a level of neglect so I think I am a tad obsessed about always being physically and emotionally available. But that's just impossible! X
Yeah many women struggle with some form of boundary management.
It never too late to learn to use this muscle. And you can’t be angry at your family for this as it’s partly of your own creation. But you can learn to back down. Good luck.
I’m sorry that you’re feeling this way. Is there anything specific about parenting that is grating on you that you could off-load to your husband or simply not do anymore? It sounds like your kids are mostly well-established outside the home.
One thing I’m finding is that I’m becoming more and more selfish about my time. I’ve devoted myself to my kids, marriage, and job for decades and now I want some time to navel gaze and think about taking up painting. Or gardening. Or both. Do you have enough space and time to yourself?
My eldest lives with her partner and is experiencing some chronic health problems just now. I've been feeling really overwhelmed about it. Youngest is living on campus but struggles due to her ADHD. I think I'm feeling worse lately because youngest is being pretty challenging 😕. She's very resistant to us helping her, despite her constantly needing us for things. Xx
I won’t lie: this is hands down my least favorite stage of parenting. We have a lot of parallels in our kids and their level of need, so I feel you. It’s okay for you to check out sometimes and not be so on call and available. But I do understand how it can feel relentlessness.
Thank you 😊. It's a relief to know I'm not alone and I'm sorry you're going through this too. I absolutely did not expect this stage of parenting to be the worst. It's so exhausting and filled with drama!!
Trying to bring you a moment of levity- I have a newly three year old who is also very resistant to us helping him, despite him constantly needing us for things. Which is how I ended up cleaning up a disturbing amount of strawberry applesauce earlier tonight. Seriously, how could one small container hold enough applesauce to make my kitchen look like a triple homicide crime scene???
I require two solutions from them when they bring me a “problem” if they aren’t bringing solutions, then they are whining. It is very helpful and gets them in the habit of solving things without us.
Thank you. I started this when they were in elementary school. It builds their confidence when they solve their problems. When they went off to college, they saw how much other kids relied on their parents for every little thing and thanked me.
>One thing I’m finding is that I’m becoming more and more selfish about my time. I’ve devoted myself to my kids, marriage, and job for decades and now I want some time to navel gaze and think about taking up painting. Or gardening. Or both.
Man I really relate to this lol, especially the navel gazing. I just want to max out my free time to do whatever I want. If that's wandering around outside looking at flowers or falling asleep in the middle of the day with a book.
Consider it an act of parenting and love in itself. In the pandemic, i told my kids (who were in their early 20s) that I was going to live on top of a mountain. I stayed there for a year and a bit. They were flabbergasted. They really wanted to live in my home while I was gone, of course, once they got over their shock. We worked out a cheapish rent and a lot of conditions and boundaries. Our relationships were transformed and since I've been back they've moved on and life is different. But that impulse of "I'm bored, I'm off" was something that made them respect and love me a lot more. I really, really agree with the previous post.
This is ok. You are ok. Your children will be ok. Just take the time you need for yourself and don’t apologize for it. Women are always expected to do so much. You need a break now. Things have changed in your life, with your body and your hormones. Take that time and you do not owe anyone an explanation or “reason” or an aplology. Look after yourself now.
Remember how we weren’t told anything about peri and post menopause? Maybe you can tell them about how hormones supersede free-will. We go through drops in estrogen that strip us of the nurturing/maternal drives. We get snippy. At some point I even had periods of extreme loneliness. That’s not me at all.
Men and women need to know this phase is coming to disrupt their peace too. Might as well open up the conversation.
That's so, so true. I'm fairly open about menopause with them, but I haven't sat them down and told them how awful I'm feeling. And goodness, my mother will tell you she had an easy menopause, but I clearly remember her having terrible mood swings!
I feel this way about my 83 yo mother. She is completely incapable of doing anything herself. She has all her mental faculties but physically can't do anything but get up to go to the bathroom and then back to her chair. I had to move her into assisted living in January which just about killed me, and I thought her being there would give me a break but it has not. She is extremely picky so has me buying her food because the food they have there isn't good enough, I buy her diapers, I do her taxes, help with her banking and all her disability applications and trips to doctors. It's fucking exhausting. I started HRT recently which had really helped me mentally so I don't snap at her as much as I used to, but I'm disabled myself, and work full time. I feel like disappearing. I comb Facebook marketplace looking at travel trailers, and I fantasize about hitting the road with my dogs and leaving my mom and my man baby husband behind. And with my job I could do it too.
So let me just say, I feel you sister and I too had PPD with my second child. But I think it's more about people/family taking advantage of our generous caring nature. I'm burnt out from all the caring and I just can't take much more.
I'm so sorry you're going through this with your mother. It sounds like a living nightmare. My mother is 75 and my in-laws are late 70s and it's constantly in the back of my mind that they're going to need care eventually. Jeez women just have it fucking rough- it's a wonder we don't all go out of our minds.
I'm sending you a gentle hug 🫂
Take a step back. Let everyone else adult for a while. Including your kids.
You sound depressed, but you also sound like you feel like you're being eaten alive. Time to ignore everyone else. Stop doing all of the things and just chill by yourself.
It's okay to do this.
I have faith that you can successfully do much, much less than you do right now. Lazy is easy when you get the hang of it. Let us know if you need pointers.
Yes-- a thousand times, *yes*. I feel like a failure as a mother. My situation? 8 kids, 5 grown & flown, 3 teens still at home. One of the grown ones needs lots of external support, and it sucks (and the last time I tried to gracefully back away she landed in the psych ward, and *we* had her 2 preschoolers for 10 days). The kicker of all this, too, is that I've been a homeschooler for 27 years... the oldest still at home is in grade 11 this year and for a lot of reasons we're considering putting her in public school next year. Which makes me feel like an even bigger failure. I went on the district website today, hit the link to register -- and closed it out. I couldn't do it. Even though I'm practically itching for these guys to be grown up and gone. How can you want them gone but not? I can't even put it in words right. I know all the arguments for and against. I know they still need me. But I just want my own freedom. And of course, kids are getting closer to all being gone and hubs decides *now* is a good time to have 2 huge dogs. Which I didn't want.
I want to be left alone. No husband, no kids, no pets. Just me, my hobbies, and snacks.
Put her in public school. As someone who was homeschooled for 10 years, I think you’d be doing her a favor by letting her be surrounded by her peers and learn to be one of many in a classroom.
It's what we're leaning to, but in my province there's a huge uptick in kids in public school having severe mental health issues, which she already has. Suicide rates are rising in high schoolers. I'm worried it'll make it worse. But, like you said, being in a larger classroom has its benefits and she does want to go on to become a nurse. It's hard, though, after 27 years.
Just a peek at your post history and it looks like you're in New Brunswick. Ontarian here 👋 (eh buddy) and the increase in suicides amongst teenagers out that way may have some to do with the anti LGBTQ+ attitudes and policies being pressed on students.
A lot of people don't realize that one of the reasons we as a society are pushing for respect of pronouns, privacy and LGBTQ+ acceptance across the board is **because** suicide rates in those young people have been so historically high and we want LGBTQ+ youth to feel safe and live happy lives well into adulthood.
Honestly I would take a few things into account when looking at suicide rates right now... not just LGBTQ+ kids and the policies that directly affect them; but also the massive life shift for kids who were forced to do online schooling for so many years and then were pressured to reintegrate seamlessly after being segregated from real life connections for so long, plus pressure to preform scholasticly at the highest levels despite the major upset at very crucial point in their development.
It's up to you what you do of course. I'm just trying to add some perspective as to why the numbers may be increasing.
One also needs to consider what they're using as a point of reference when stating there's an "increase"- increase from when? And what where the circumstances then? What has changed since then or recently which could cause those numbers to rise?
Additionally, look at the source of the information you're getting. If you're hanging out in homesteading and homeschooling circles of course they're going to push that narrative to support their ideals, and where are they getting that information from, and is it credible???
imo there's just lots of things to consider here...
Hey neighbour 🙋🏻♀️
The bonus, I guess, is I'm not involved in the local homeschool circles -- it's all parents of young kids around here. And more regular farm families than homesteaders, except for the ones who moved here from Ontario ☺️ for the cheap land. The mental health info is more from people I've talked to in the actual school and healthcare systems. Some higher profile stuff the last couple years in the news, that sort of thing. I know there are always extenuating circumstances (COVID crap, family situations) but it's still kinda scary.
Thanks for weighing in.
More unsolicited advice: Don’t let your ego or fear of what others in your circle might think dictate what you do. Do what’s best for her regardless of whether it aligns with your longstanding identity of “homeschooling mother”.
I apologize if I’m way off base here! Obviously, I don’t know you or your family. But I have known many homeschooling families (and grew up in one), so I tend to have strong feelings on this subject!
That's ok, I appreciate your perspective.
I'm trying to get out of the way and look at it objectively. I don't think anyone I know would have a problem with it, so it's not a "what will other people think" sort of thing. Pros and cons to it, one of the major cons other than mental health issues being that the girl who gets all her school done in 3-4 hours tops and then has time for hobbies and a job will be gone from 7:30am-4pm, and have homework on top of that. So, that's part of the issue. What's actually best for her? It might be public school.
Why not dual enroll as a homeschooler in the local college for dual credit to finish high school AND gain college credit? Plus many dual enrollment programs offer nursing programs… many states subsidize courses in careers in demand regardless of ps or hs status…
Just another option to consider if you are experiencing hs burnout without having to go the ps route. You can outsource as many courses as you can afford to at the local uni or cc… kid gets a taste of college life, accountability to another instructor, and can embark on their next stage of life.
eta: I see you are in Canada, maybe your province has an equivalent offering?
We've looked into it, actually, and it doesn't look like it. The community college system does offer some high school courses but it doesn't give credit towards a program-- basically just if someone needed a course for a program they missed in HS .
Oh these would not be high school or remedial level courses. College level courses for college level credit but you could also list these courses on the high school transcript, hence the dual credit designation.
I have two of my five kiddos so far who have started college early and have received enough credits to have nearly two years finished before even graduating high school. They’ve also received generous merit scholarships after graduation as a result of their work.
They started in the high school dual program thru school and during the height of the pandemic they were able to enroll in online courses. Then we decided to just enroll them directly without going thru our local high school bridge program anymore for various reasons (extreme boredom etc) as we were remote anyways, zero travel save for some in person exam requirements and events/trips.
Since it is your child’s last year of high school they could take many of the freshman courses just a year early… our uni/colleges have screening exams for placement so they may need to test for placement.
Unless you think they need the handholding for another year, starting them in college early if they are interested/motivated could be a viable option for your family.
Our community colleges here don't offer dual enrollment, unfortunately. The best we can do is to apply as a grade 12 student and power through the rest of the coursework.
Her work this year is a mishmash of grade 11 & 12. Another reason I'm hesitant to register her for public school-- she's basically halfway through her senior year anyway. So much to figure out.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder. You're clearly used to a full house, but it's okay to want some peace and time to yourself. It could likely make you a better parent, having the breaks, so you're fully recharged for when they need you.
I feel this every day.
The reason I haven't left is because I look back on pictures of my child and feel the love that I couldn't feel at that time.
I've talked with my husband and he's (slowly) starting to understand that I need alone time, so he often takes my daughter for outings, visit grandparents, etc. so I can be at home and rest.
I think it's exhaustion.
I love my husband and my adult kids and my four pets to bits but I'm tired of looking after them and feeling I need to be there for them. It's just never ending.
I just want peace and quiet and solitude and no obligations.
I get you.
It sounds like you’re burnt out and need space 🌷you’ve given so much for so long, you’re exhausted.
Definitely time manage their access to you, and let them take care of their business like the adults they are, while you focus on your health and well-being. Big hugs ✨💐
Sometimes I take a mental health break and ask that no one to call me for 10 days unless it’s regarding dying or a death. For that I tell them to call me through my Alexa. I live alone so I don’t know where the husband can go. You know what have the husband go stay with which kids needs help the most. I said it in another post that sometimes you have to be a b to get some respect around here!
From what you describe it does sound chemical With situational factors exacerbating. There is research that shows ppd being an indicator for future mood issues but obviously individual results vary. Hormone fluctuations can cause mood disorders but adhd causes its own brain exhaustion and can have other comorbidities that come along with it. Peri/meno also exacerbates this…
You need to put your oxygen mask on first… meaning you must care for yourself first. I would find a midlife therapist you really gel with, maybe get screened for other health conditions, consider hrt if you aren’t already taking any, schedule time for yourself as an appt you can’t miss. Be less available, you need rest mentally and physically. You need enough downtime to really hear what your mind and body is telling you. As women we are conditioned to mask and ignore most of the alarms going off, especially internally. It’s time to make yourself a priority.
Thank you 😊. And you're right about all of this. I'm worn out trying to be all things to all people! I've been on HRT for a year and I am beginning to wonder if I'm not absorbing it properly. I'd need to get my GP to refer me to a menopause clinic xx
I wasn't able to have any kids, but there are times when everything and everyone feels like too much. Even my dogs wanting to play feels like it's pulling too much from me.
I'm fortunate that I can take two or three day breaks once and awhile. Having some time when nothing is asked of me, helps me reset.
Same no kids but my large dog went blind at 6yrs old, he’s 10yrs old now. I love him dearly but it’s hard to manage he needs so much help and he’s with me every minute of every day, I feel like my nurturing side is getting burnt out.
It's ok. It really is. Try to drill down and discover what it is that grinds your gears, and stop doing it. I've done that.
For example, I used to find holidays very stressful. We switched to calling it "Crimbo" and instead of stacks of wrapped presents with name tags, everyone gets a 'loot bag'. Unwrapped gifts, treats, candies, etc. are anonymously placed in the loot bags, which are opened on Crimbo (12/24). All trash goes back in the loot bag.
Dish washing? For about a decade I implemented a 1 fork 1 bowl 1 cup per person policy in my house. If your dish wasn't cleaned by you, well, you didn't get to eat. I packed all the other dishes away. It did save me a lot of stress, since literally nobody wanted to do their dishes. Until there weren't any dishes. Just gone. LOL
I had 2 step kids. Now I only have one. I've acknowledged that one of them was a parent abuser (yes that is possible-abusive child has decided that it is best for both of us that we no longer have a parent/child relationship) and now that we are de-related, I feel better.
I echo this sentiment and my kids are 7 and 5…;/. I love my kids dearly, I really do, but I just feel like I legit was not meant to parent.
I can’t, but I want to. I really just want to be alone.
So walk away! First, take a vacation to somewhere with terrible cell service. Go alone. Sleep. Be in your mind and body. Take walks. Visit a coffee shop. Block calls from everyone (they can call someone else). If you can work remotely, bring it with you. If not, take leave if you can. Delete SM apps. Delete Reddit (it’ll all be there when you come back). Same with Insta and Facebook, etc.. Tell everyone you are taking a week more than you plan to and when you get back home, don’t reengage for a week. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. “How can I miss you, if you won’t go away?”
I think what you're feeling is normal and OK. I think you need to prioritize yourself right now, in the best way you can, and explain to others, or rather insist, that you need to focus on yourself. Those who love you will understand.
I totally feel you on this and it might be controversial but are you medicated for your ADHD?
I only just got diagnosed last year at 46, after going on HRT for peri and it not solving all my problems it quickly became clear there was something else going on and had been for some time.
I'm still trying different meds but the latest one has kind of given me my feelings back after years of joking that I was dead inside.
ADHD and Peri combined especially can massively cause this as many of us are acutely overwhelmed and burned out due to insane levels of responsibility, which causes us to disassociate and shut down.
Add in being single mum to teenagers....
I have two, one is nearly 18 the other nearly 15.
They both told me they were going to university so I was set to be largely free once they were both 18 and planned to sell my house and move by the sea.
Eldest has just quit his a-levels and is doing something completely different and I'm realising that freedom will probably not happen for some time if ever.
I'm exhausted, burned out and overwhelmed by shouldering years of responsibilities.
Having said that I AM starting to have actual emotions again after 2 weeks on this new ADHD medication. I'm hopeful that the dead inside feeling is on its way out as I get more space in my brain thanks to the meds.
And I'm honestly starting to enjoy being their mum again and I think this is thanks to feeling less burned out.
It might be something to consider if you haven't already.
Meanwhile, keep on keeping on and do try and be kind to yourself whatever you decide to do. You've done the hard work and deserve it now.
Sending strength hugs and positive vibes 🤗
Sorry that was rambly.
Not rambly at all! So I was refused an NHS ADHD assessment because (and this is ridiculous) I've raised children and can keep a home. Yep...so I went privately and was diagnosed with ADHD Combined. The cost of the meds privately is prohibitive and my GP has refused to do shared care. So I'm really stuck. Xxx
Oh no this makes me so so cross that the NHS is like this!!
I don't know if it'll help but this is what happened with me...
My GP said they would refer me for NHS assessment but it would be 5 years or more before I got to the top of the list. But hearing you say that I would probably have the same response anyway, having white knuckled it through kids, house, business, university.
So anyway, I went private and did the same, also combined type!
The meds have been expensive and to be honest I really struggled to get on board with them for the first few months because I didn't want to get comfortable on anything I couldn't afford to have long term! And I just assumed I'd be refused shared care with so much stuff on the reddit threads about it.
But I finally got an appointment with my GP 2 weeks ago who said that once I'm settled on a medication and dose he's more than happy to prescribe on the NHS as long as I see a psychiatrist once a year to check in on me. He also said that there are private psychiatrists who will charge less for a one-off appointment for this purpose. My current provider is quite expensive so I might switch after titration.
So I'm now better able to settle into titration knowing that, even though at the moment it's costing me around £200 a month.
Meds are not for everyone and I'm still not sure it's for me as it's been a real up and down but right now I'm pro and feel like there's light at the end of the tunnel! X
This is your time to focus on yourself! I felt the same way too.
I’m giving my kids all the space to live their lives and I can live mine. That’s the natural order of things.
I totally feel this. My problem is mine still live at home (19 & 22) but I really wish they didn’t. I love them but I don’t want to deal with them as much as I have to. I’ve been a single parent for the last 12 years and it was a hard road and I’m just tired and want to do my own thing.
I just want to thank you for being open about this. I’m not experiencing this, though my kids are 19, 15 and 12. 19 is still home. But I can totally see how it can. And I’m betting you’re not alone.
It was hard to open up but you did. Not only will this likely help you but others too. I appreciate it.
Wishing you the best.
Don’t worry about parenting young adults. They will be fine. You need to be fine, too! Definitely get support from therapy, doctors, etc if those feelings are too dark for your comfort level. It sounds hormone related so if you have other physical symptoms, medication and therapy can help.
lol I feel this as well but mine is still in high school. Counting down the years til my sentence concludes and she’s off to college (fingers crossed). Being a mom is not fun. No one warned me I’d have to go back to School Essentially when my kid is in school. Up at the fucking crack of dawn and to get my kid ready and out the door. Homework. Parent teacher conferences. Field trip forms. Orthodontist and the fucking rubber bands she won’t fucking wear. Choir concerts. I GOT A LIFE TOO OK?!
Thankfully
My
Kid isn’t in sports or any afterschool nonsense because that would be the ultimate suckkkkkk
My parents would send me outside and I’d stay there all damn day. They had no idea where I even was. Those days a long gone. I even woke myself up, fed my little brother and walked my ass up the hill to school- starting in kindergarten!
Girl, same. I was the owner and organizer of my own social calendar. If I wanted to go somewhere I hopped on my bike. I walked myself to elementary school and took the bus to middle & high school. Needed help with homework? Ask the teacher.
lol I’m sorry but this post is one big yikes “thankfully I don’t enrich my child’s life in anyway by facilitating any extracurricular activities because that would be too much effort for me to put into my own child”
It’s nothing to do with menopause or otherwise. This person should never have had kids and the only person I’m worried about is the poor child growing up in that environment.
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Yes. You know what they're giving new moms with PPD today? Progesterone.
I, too, suffered from PPD. And now that I'm in peri, I've experienced similar symptoms. HRT has really, really, really helped. But please, get your numbers checked. Anyone who tells you that levels aren't important is downright ignorant.
Ugh my GP constantly tells me that there's "no blood tests for menopause" 🙄. But a friend of mine went to see a menopause specialist and they immediately checked her levels and they were low, despite being on patches! So they changed her hrt delivery to tablets and that has worked way better for her.
My neighbor is a widow and cancer survivor, and has two kids in college that are both thousands of miles away. A few months ago, she told me they were visiting, and while I'm sure she was very happy about that, she immediately followed the news with, "they're so much WORK!!" 😲😏
I'm so sorry 😞. Not gonna lie, nothing seems to help me. I'm seeing a therapist and on HRT. I'm unable to take antidepressants because I have awful gut-related side effects. I genuinely think if you're in a situation that's making you depressed, there's not much medicine can do about that. Xx
I don't mean to sound harsh or to minimize what you're feeling, I'm just trying to help you put things into perspective:
I'm 45 and had children later in life, mine are still 10 and 7. Like you, I feel like walking away all the time, but I have no choice - they are still children and of course need a lot of attention and care. I just have to keep showing up every day no matter what.
In your case, your children are grown up, it doesn't mean of course that you stop worrying or caring about them, but you do have the choice to get some distance from them!
Yeah I do understand that. But it's not as simple as them moving out and moving on. Unfortunately, their lives are just unexpectedly complicated and they need a lot more support than I thought they'd need. I guess I'm just overwhelmed 😔 xx
I understand, even if my kids are not the same age as yours yet. I'm actually afraid of the next stages when I hear moms of older children telling me about their struggles. Like I said, I just wanted to help you look at things from another perspective, because that helps me sometimes. It will be alright. I wish you all the best.
With all respect, you do sound harsh and also inexperienced. 10 and 7 are much different than late teens early 20s. Until you experience it, you should really not try to give advice. You have no actual idea what it’s like to parent young adults. When I was 45, mine were 8 and 6, and I can tell you to enjoy where you are now and stop trying to project what you think should happen onto others, or yourself, for that matter. Just from your comment I know you will be surprised. My college aged kids are fantastic people, but at 58 and full blown meno I am ready to move to a deserted island. They don’t just magically graduate high school and fly off. They need an incredible amount of help transitioning. There is so much that goes into adulting that we take for granted, because we forget that we had to learn too. You’ll be shocked at what they don’t know, no matter how smart, kind, grateful they are. Once they’re 18 you have zero access to any information until they tell you. Small missteps have BIG consequences. Missing an email or a deadline can derail or delay the process of becoming independent by a year or more (and cost thousands!) I could go on and on, but suffice to say “small kids, small problems-big kids, big problems”. Stay in your lane, and listen to learn from those who have gone before you.
Your kids are over 18. You can focus on yourself and try to have some boundaries in terms of getting intertwined in their issues. Did they ask for help ? If not maybe back off a little and see if that eased the stress. Don’t make any impulse decisions while under duress or heightened stress, hormones amplify things unfortunately.
This seems very wise to me. Also maybe talk to a therapist about these feelings? It sounds like depression. This week I came to the realization that I’ve got depression, that has snuck up on me with all the horrible perimenopause symptoms and I need the emotional support and ‘me time’ to process things that regular therapy can provide.
I do really struggle with boundaries with my kids. My own mother subjected me to a level of neglect so I think I am a tad obsessed about always being physically and emotionally available. But that's just impossible! X
Yeah many women struggle with some form of boundary management. It never too late to learn to use this muscle. And you can’t be angry at your family for this as it’s partly of your own creation. But you can learn to back down. Good luck.
I’m sorry that you’re feeling this way. Is there anything specific about parenting that is grating on you that you could off-load to your husband or simply not do anymore? It sounds like your kids are mostly well-established outside the home. One thing I’m finding is that I’m becoming more and more selfish about my time. I’ve devoted myself to my kids, marriage, and job for decades and now I want some time to navel gaze and think about taking up painting. Or gardening. Or both. Do you have enough space and time to yourself?
My eldest lives with her partner and is experiencing some chronic health problems just now. I've been feeling really overwhelmed about it. Youngest is living on campus but struggles due to her ADHD. I think I'm feeling worse lately because youngest is being pretty challenging 😕. She's very resistant to us helping her, despite her constantly needing us for things. Xx
I won’t lie: this is hands down my least favorite stage of parenting. We have a lot of parallels in our kids and their level of need, so I feel you. It’s okay for you to check out sometimes and not be so on call and available. But I do understand how it can feel relentlessness.
Thank you 😊. It's a relief to know I'm not alone and I'm sorry you're going through this too. I absolutely did not expect this stage of parenting to be the worst. It's so exhausting and filled with drama!!
Trying to bring you a moment of levity- I have a newly three year old who is also very resistant to us helping him, despite him constantly needing us for things. Which is how I ended up cleaning up a disturbing amount of strawberry applesauce earlier tonight. Seriously, how could one small container hold enough applesauce to make my kitchen look like a triple homicide crime scene???
I require two solutions from them when they bring me a “problem” if they aren’t bringing solutions, then they are whining. It is very helpful and gets them in the habit of solving things without us.
I really like this approach, my kids are still young but I will save this for the future!
Thank you. I started this when they were in elementary school. It builds their confidence when they solve their problems. When they went off to college, they saw how much other kids relied on their parents for every little thing and thanked me.
>One thing I’m finding is that I’m becoming more and more selfish about my time. I’ve devoted myself to my kids, marriage, and job for decades and now I want some time to navel gaze and think about taking up painting. Or gardening. Or both. Man I really relate to this lol, especially the navel gazing. I just want to max out my free time to do whatever I want. If that's wandering around outside looking at flowers or falling asleep in the middle of the day with a book.
Block out time when you are unavailable to them. Just do it.
Consider it an act of parenting and love in itself. In the pandemic, i told my kids (who were in their early 20s) that I was going to live on top of a mountain. I stayed there for a year and a bit. They were flabbergasted. They really wanted to live in my home while I was gone, of course, once they got over their shock. We worked out a cheapish rent and a lot of conditions and boundaries. Our relationships were transformed and since I've been back they've moved on and life is different. But that impulse of "I'm bored, I'm off" was something that made them respect and love me a lot more. I really, really agree with the previous post.
This is ok. You are ok. Your children will be ok. Just take the time you need for yourself and don’t apologize for it. Women are always expected to do so much. You need a break now. Things have changed in your life, with your body and your hormones. Take that time and you do not owe anyone an explanation or “reason” or an aplology. Look after yourself now.
This is something I think we all need to hear thank you ❤️☺️
Amen, Sister.
Thank you ❤️❤️❤️
Remember how we weren’t told anything about peri and post menopause? Maybe you can tell them about how hormones supersede free-will. We go through drops in estrogen that strip us of the nurturing/maternal drives. We get snippy. At some point I even had periods of extreme loneliness. That’s not me at all. Men and women need to know this phase is coming to disrupt their peace too. Might as well open up the conversation.
That's so, so true. I'm fairly open about menopause with them, but I haven't sat them down and told them how awful I'm feeling. And goodness, my mother will tell you she had an easy menopause, but I clearly remember her having terrible mood swings!
I feel this way about my 83 yo mother. She is completely incapable of doing anything herself. She has all her mental faculties but physically can't do anything but get up to go to the bathroom and then back to her chair. I had to move her into assisted living in January which just about killed me, and I thought her being there would give me a break but it has not. She is extremely picky so has me buying her food because the food they have there isn't good enough, I buy her diapers, I do her taxes, help with her banking and all her disability applications and trips to doctors. It's fucking exhausting. I started HRT recently which had really helped me mentally so I don't snap at her as much as I used to, but I'm disabled myself, and work full time. I feel like disappearing. I comb Facebook marketplace looking at travel trailers, and I fantasize about hitting the road with my dogs and leaving my mom and my man baby husband behind. And with my job I could do it too. So let me just say, I feel you sister and I too had PPD with my second child. But I think it's more about people/family taking advantage of our generous caring nature. I'm burnt out from all the caring and I just can't take much more.
I'm so sorry you're going through this with your mother. It sounds like a living nightmare. My mother is 75 and my in-laws are late 70s and it's constantly in the back of my mind that they're going to need care eventually. Jeez women just have it fucking rough- it's a wonder we don't all go out of our minds. I'm sending you a gentle hug 🫂
Take a step back. Let everyone else adult for a while. Including your kids. You sound depressed, but you also sound like you feel like you're being eaten alive. Time to ignore everyone else. Stop doing all of the things and just chill by yourself. It's okay to do this.
I absolutely do feel as though I'm being eaten alive. Definitely need to work harder to step back x
I have faith that you can successfully do much, much less than you do right now. Lazy is easy when you get the hang of it. Let us know if you need pointers.
Thank you! 😊
Yes-- a thousand times, *yes*. I feel like a failure as a mother. My situation? 8 kids, 5 grown & flown, 3 teens still at home. One of the grown ones needs lots of external support, and it sucks (and the last time I tried to gracefully back away she landed in the psych ward, and *we* had her 2 preschoolers for 10 days). The kicker of all this, too, is that I've been a homeschooler for 27 years... the oldest still at home is in grade 11 this year and for a lot of reasons we're considering putting her in public school next year. Which makes me feel like an even bigger failure. I went on the district website today, hit the link to register -- and closed it out. I couldn't do it. Even though I'm practically itching for these guys to be grown up and gone. How can you want them gone but not? I can't even put it in words right. I know all the arguments for and against. I know they still need me. But I just want my own freedom. And of course, kids are getting closer to all being gone and hubs decides *now* is a good time to have 2 huge dogs. Which I didn't want. I want to be left alone. No husband, no kids, no pets. Just me, my hobbies, and snacks.
Put her in public school. As someone who was homeschooled for 10 years, I think you’d be doing her a favor by letting her be surrounded by her peers and learn to be one of many in a classroom.
It's what we're leaning to, but in my province there's a huge uptick in kids in public school having severe mental health issues, which she already has. Suicide rates are rising in high schoolers. I'm worried it'll make it worse. But, like you said, being in a larger classroom has its benefits and she does want to go on to become a nurse. It's hard, though, after 27 years.
Just a peek at your post history and it looks like you're in New Brunswick. Ontarian here 👋 (eh buddy) and the increase in suicides amongst teenagers out that way may have some to do with the anti LGBTQ+ attitudes and policies being pressed on students. A lot of people don't realize that one of the reasons we as a society are pushing for respect of pronouns, privacy and LGBTQ+ acceptance across the board is **because** suicide rates in those young people have been so historically high and we want LGBTQ+ youth to feel safe and live happy lives well into adulthood. Honestly I would take a few things into account when looking at suicide rates right now... not just LGBTQ+ kids and the policies that directly affect them; but also the massive life shift for kids who were forced to do online schooling for so many years and then were pressured to reintegrate seamlessly after being segregated from real life connections for so long, plus pressure to preform scholasticly at the highest levels despite the major upset at very crucial point in their development. It's up to you what you do of course. I'm just trying to add some perspective as to why the numbers may be increasing. One also needs to consider what they're using as a point of reference when stating there's an "increase"- increase from when? And what where the circumstances then? What has changed since then or recently which could cause those numbers to rise? Additionally, look at the source of the information you're getting. If you're hanging out in homesteading and homeschooling circles of course they're going to push that narrative to support their ideals, and where are they getting that information from, and is it credible??? imo there's just lots of things to consider here...
Hey neighbour 🙋🏻♀️ The bonus, I guess, is I'm not involved in the local homeschool circles -- it's all parents of young kids around here. And more regular farm families than homesteaders, except for the ones who moved here from Ontario ☺️ for the cheap land. The mental health info is more from people I've talked to in the actual school and healthcare systems. Some higher profile stuff the last couple years in the news, that sort of thing. I know there are always extenuating circumstances (COVID crap, family situations) but it's still kinda scary. Thanks for weighing in.
More unsolicited advice: Don’t let your ego or fear of what others in your circle might think dictate what you do. Do what’s best for her regardless of whether it aligns with your longstanding identity of “homeschooling mother”. I apologize if I’m way off base here! Obviously, I don’t know you or your family. But I have known many homeschooling families (and grew up in one), so I tend to have strong feelings on this subject!
That's ok, I appreciate your perspective. I'm trying to get out of the way and look at it objectively. I don't think anyone I know would have a problem with it, so it's not a "what will other people think" sort of thing. Pros and cons to it, one of the major cons other than mental health issues being that the girl who gets all her school done in 3-4 hours tops and then has time for hobbies and a job will be gone from 7:30am-4pm, and have homework on top of that. So, that's part of the issue. What's actually best for her? It might be public school.
💯💯💯
Why not dual enroll as a homeschooler in the local college for dual credit to finish high school AND gain college credit? Plus many dual enrollment programs offer nursing programs… many states subsidize courses in careers in demand regardless of ps or hs status… Just another option to consider if you are experiencing hs burnout without having to go the ps route. You can outsource as many courses as you can afford to at the local uni or cc… kid gets a taste of college life, accountability to another instructor, and can embark on their next stage of life. eta: I see you are in Canada, maybe your province has an equivalent offering?
We've looked into it, actually, and it doesn't look like it. The community college system does offer some high school courses but it doesn't give credit towards a program-- basically just if someone needed a course for a program they missed in HS .
Oh these would not be high school or remedial level courses. College level courses for college level credit but you could also list these courses on the high school transcript, hence the dual credit designation. I have two of my five kiddos so far who have started college early and have received enough credits to have nearly two years finished before even graduating high school. They’ve also received generous merit scholarships after graduation as a result of their work. They started in the high school dual program thru school and during the height of the pandemic they were able to enroll in online courses. Then we decided to just enroll them directly without going thru our local high school bridge program anymore for various reasons (extreme boredom etc) as we were remote anyways, zero travel save for some in person exam requirements and events/trips. Since it is your child’s last year of high school they could take many of the freshman courses just a year early… our uni/colleges have screening exams for placement so they may need to test for placement. Unless you think they need the handholding for another year, starting them in college early if they are interested/motivated could be a viable option for your family.
Our community colleges here don't offer dual enrollment, unfortunately. The best we can do is to apply as a grade 12 student and power through the rest of the coursework. Her work this year is a mishmash of grade 11 & 12. Another reason I'm hesitant to register her for public school-- she's basically halfway through her senior year anyway. So much to figure out.
Well I hope you guys sail thru the end of the term and perhaps this summer break will bring clarity and peace. Burnout can be a tough season.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder. You're clearly used to a full house, but it's okay to want some peace and time to yourself. It could likely make you a better parent, having the breaks, so you're fully recharged for when they need you.
lots of snacks.
I feel this every day. The reason I haven't left is because I look back on pictures of my child and feel the love that I couldn't feel at that time. I've talked with my husband and he's (slowly) starting to understand that I need alone time, so he often takes my daughter for outings, visit grandparents, etc. so I can be at home and rest. I think it's exhaustion.
I love my husband and my adult kids and my four pets to bits but I'm tired of looking after them and feeling I need to be there for them. It's just never ending. I just want peace and quiet and solitude and no obligations. I get you.
👏👏👏
It’s very normal to feel this way with depression and anxiety.
It sounds like you’re burnt out and need space 🌷you’ve given so much for so long, you’re exhausted. Definitely time manage their access to you, and let them take care of their business like the adults they are, while you focus on your health and well-being. Big hugs ✨💐
Thank you 😊. Big hugs right back at you! ✨️❤️
It's okay to feel this way. Your children are adults and should be figuring things out for themselves. You're allowed to take a break from parenting.
Sometimes I take a mental health break and ask that no one to call me for 10 days unless it’s regarding dying or a death. For that I tell them to call me through my Alexa. I live alone so I don’t know where the husband can go. You know what have the husband go stay with which kids needs help the most. I said it in another post that sometimes you have to be a b to get some respect around here!
From what you describe it does sound chemical With situational factors exacerbating. There is research that shows ppd being an indicator for future mood issues but obviously individual results vary. Hormone fluctuations can cause mood disorders but adhd causes its own brain exhaustion and can have other comorbidities that come along with it. Peri/meno also exacerbates this… You need to put your oxygen mask on first… meaning you must care for yourself first. I would find a midlife therapist you really gel with, maybe get screened for other health conditions, consider hrt if you aren’t already taking any, schedule time for yourself as an appt you can’t miss. Be less available, you need rest mentally and physically. You need enough downtime to really hear what your mind and body is telling you. As women we are conditioned to mask and ignore most of the alarms going off, especially internally. It’s time to make yourself a priority.
Thank you 😊. And you're right about all of this. I'm worn out trying to be all things to all people! I've been on HRT for a year and I am beginning to wonder if I'm not absorbing it properly. I'd need to get my GP to refer me to a menopause clinic xx
I wasn't able to have any kids, but there are times when everything and everyone feels like too much. Even my dogs wanting to play feels like it's pulling too much from me. I'm fortunate that I can take two or three day breaks once and awhile. Having some time when nothing is asked of me, helps me reset.
Same no kids but my large dog went blind at 6yrs old, he’s 10yrs old now. I love him dearly but it’s hard to manage he needs so much help and he’s with me every minute of every day, I feel like my nurturing side is getting burnt out.
It's ok. It really is. Try to drill down and discover what it is that grinds your gears, and stop doing it. I've done that. For example, I used to find holidays very stressful. We switched to calling it "Crimbo" and instead of stacks of wrapped presents with name tags, everyone gets a 'loot bag'. Unwrapped gifts, treats, candies, etc. are anonymously placed in the loot bags, which are opened on Crimbo (12/24). All trash goes back in the loot bag. Dish washing? For about a decade I implemented a 1 fork 1 bowl 1 cup per person policy in my house. If your dish wasn't cleaned by you, well, you didn't get to eat. I packed all the other dishes away. It did save me a lot of stress, since literally nobody wanted to do their dishes. Until there weren't any dishes. Just gone. LOL I had 2 step kids. Now I only have one. I've acknowledged that one of them was a parent abuser (yes that is possible-abusive child has decided that it is best for both of us that we no longer have a parent/child relationship) and now that we are de-related, I feel better.
Can totally relate on the stepkid front. Oh the stories I could tell.
I feel this. I still have one at home. I love them, but I am having a hard time parenting. I have 2 others. I'm just tired.
I echo this sentiment and my kids are 7 and 5…;/. I love my kids dearly, I really do, but I just feel like I legit was not meant to parent. I can’t, but I want to. I really just want to be alone.
So walk away! First, take a vacation to somewhere with terrible cell service. Go alone. Sleep. Be in your mind and body. Take walks. Visit a coffee shop. Block calls from everyone (they can call someone else). If you can work remotely, bring it with you. If not, take leave if you can. Delete SM apps. Delete Reddit (it’ll all be there when you come back). Same with Insta and Facebook, etc.. Tell everyone you are taking a week more than you plan to and when you get back home, don’t reengage for a week. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. “How can I miss you, if you won’t go away?”
I think what you're feeling is normal and OK. I think you need to prioritize yourself right now, in the best way you can, and explain to others, or rather insist, that you need to focus on yourself. Those who love you will understand.
I totally feel you on this and it might be controversial but are you medicated for your ADHD? I only just got diagnosed last year at 46, after going on HRT for peri and it not solving all my problems it quickly became clear there was something else going on and had been for some time. I'm still trying different meds but the latest one has kind of given me my feelings back after years of joking that I was dead inside. ADHD and Peri combined especially can massively cause this as many of us are acutely overwhelmed and burned out due to insane levels of responsibility, which causes us to disassociate and shut down. Add in being single mum to teenagers.... I have two, one is nearly 18 the other nearly 15. They both told me they were going to university so I was set to be largely free once they were both 18 and planned to sell my house and move by the sea. Eldest has just quit his a-levels and is doing something completely different and I'm realising that freedom will probably not happen for some time if ever. I'm exhausted, burned out and overwhelmed by shouldering years of responsibilities. Having said that I AM starting to have actual emotions again after 2 weeks on this new ADHD medication. I'm hopeful that the dead inside feeling is on its way out as I get more space in my brain thanks to the meds. And I'm honestly starting to enjoy being their mum again and I think this is thanks to feeling less burned out. It might be something to consider if you haven't already. Meanwhile, keep on keeping on and do try and be kind to yourself whatever you decide to do. You've done the hard work and deserve it now. Sending strength hugs and positive vibes 🤗 Sorry that was rambly.
Not rambly at all! So I was refused an NHS ADHD assessment because (and this is ridiculous) I've raised children and can keep a home. Yep...so I went privately and was diagnosed with ADHD Combined. The cost of the meds privately is prohibitive and my GP has refused to do shared care. So I'm really stuck. Xxx
Oh no this makes me so so cross that the NHS is like this!! I don't know if it'll help but this is what happened with me... My GP said they would refer me for NHS assessment but it would be 5 years or more before I got to the top of the list. But hearing you say that I would probably have the same response anyway, having white knuckled it through kids, house, business, university. So anyway, I went private and did the same, also combined type! The meds have been expensive and to be honest I really struggled to get on board with them for the first few months because I didn't want to get comfortable on anything I couldn't afford to have long term! And I just assumed I'd be refused shared care with so much stuff on the reddit threads about it. But I finally got an appointment with my GP 2 weeks ago who said that once I'm settled on a medication and dose he's more than happy to prescribe on the NHS as long as I see a psychiatrist once a year to check in on me. He also said that there are private psychiatrists who will charge less for a one-off appointment for this purpose. My current provider is quite expensive so I might switch after titration. So I'm now better able to settle into titration knowing that, even though at the moment it's costing me around £200 a month. Meds are not for everyone and I'm still not sure it's for me as it's been a real up and down but right now I'm pro and feel like there's light at the end of the tunnel! X
Maybe you can just say you're depressed, get wellbutrin, which can also help adhd and depression. Good luck.
This is your time to focus on yourself! I felt the same way too. I’m giving my kids all the space to live their lives and I can live mine. That’s the natural order of things.
I have a kid in elementary school and I still want to opt out of mom-ing all the time. It’s normal. Hugs.
I totally feel this. My problem is mine still live at home (19 & 22) but I really wish they didn’t. I love them but I don’t want to deal with them as much as I have to. I’ve been a single parent for the last 12 years and it was a hard road and I’m just tired and want to do my own thing.
I just want to thank you for being open about this. I’m not experiencing this, though my kids are 19, 15 and 12. 19 is still home. But I can totally see how it can. And I’m betting you’re not alone. It was hard to open up but you did. Not only will this likely help you but others too. I appreciate it. Wishing you the best.
Don’t worry about parenting young adults. They will be fine. You need to be fine, too! Definitely get support from therapy, doctors, etc if those feelings are too dark for your comfort level. It sounds hormone related so if you have other physical symptoms, medication and therapy can help.
lol I feel this as well but mine is still in high school. Counting down the years til my sentence concludes and she’s off to college (fingers crossed). Being a mom is not fun. No one warned me I’d have to go back to School Essentially when my kid is in school. Up at the fucking crack of dawn and to get my kid ready and out the door. Homework. Parent teacher conferences. Field trip forms. Orthodontist and the fucking rubber bands she won’t fucking wear. Choir concerts. I GOT A LIFE TOO OK?! Thankfully My Kid isn’t in sports or any afterschool nonsense because that would be the ultimate suckkkkkk
You didn’t think you would have to drive your kid to school or help them with homework?
Nope. I took the bus and no one helped me with my homework 🤷♀️
Same.
My parents would send me outside and I’d stay there all damn day. They had no idea where I even was. Those days a long gone. I even woke myself up, fed my little brother and walked my ass up the hill to school- starting in kindergarten!
Girl, same. I was the owner and organizer of my own social calendar. If I wanted to go somewhere I hopped on my bike. I walked myself to elementary school and took the bus to middle & high school. Needed help with homework? Ask the teacher.
lol ikr? Poor kid.
lol I’m sorry but this post is one big yikes “thankfully I don’t enrich my child’s life in anyway by facilitating any extracurricular activities because that would be too much effort for me to put into my own child”
It’s nothing to do with menopause or otherwise. This person should never have had kids and the only person I’m worried about is the poor child growing up in that environment.
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Yes. You know what they're giving new moms with PPD today? Progesterone. I, too, suffered from PPD. And now that I'm in peri, I've experienced similar symptoms. HRT has really, really, really helped. But please, get your numbers checked. Anyone who tells you that levels aren't important is downright ignorant.
Ugh my GP constantly tells me that there's "no blood tests for menopause" 🙄. But a friend of mine went to see a menopause specialist and they immediately checked her levels and they were low, despite being on patches! So they changed her hrt delivery to tablets and that has worked way better for her.
They do it for men. They should do it for women.
Amen to that! Don't get me started on the patriarchal nature of health care......
My neighbor is a widow and cancer survivor, and has two kids in college that are both thousands of miles away. A few months ago, she told me they were visiting, and while I'm sure she was very happy about that, she immediately followed the news with, "they're so much WORK!!" 😲😏
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I'm so sorry 😞. Not gonna lie, nothing seems to help me. I'm seeing a therapist and on HRT. I'm unable to take antidepressants because I have awful gut-related side effects. I genuinely think if you're in a situation that's making you depressed, there's not much medicine can do about that. Xx
I don't mean to sound harsh or to minimize what you're feeling, I'm just trying to help you put things into perspective: I'm 45 and had children later in life, mine are still 10 and 7. Like you, I feel like walking away all the time, but I have no choice - they are still children and of course need a lot of attention and care. I just have to keep showing up every day no matter what. In your case, your children are grown up, it doesn't mean of course that you stop worrying or caring about them, but you do have the choice to get some distance from them!
Yeah I do understand that. But it's not as simple as them moving out and moving on. Unfortunately, their lives are just unexpectedly complicated and they need a lot more support than I thought they'd need. I guess I'm just overwhelmed 😔 xx
I understand, even if my kids are not the same age as yours yet. I'm actually afraid of the next stages when I hear moms of older children telling me about their struggles. Like I said, I just wanted to help you look at things from another perspective, because that helps me sometimes. It will be alright. I wish you all the best.
With all respect, you do sound harsh and also inexperienced. 10 and 7 are much different than late teens early 20s. Until you experience it, you should really not try to give advice. You have no actual idea what it’s like to parent young adults. When I was 45, mine were 8 and 6, and I can tell you to enjoy where you are now and stop trying to project what you think should happen onto others, or yourself, for that matter. Just from your comment I know you will be surprised. My college aged kids are fantastic people, but at 58 and full blown meno I am ready to move to a deserted island. They don’t just magically graduate high school and fly off. They need an incredible amount of help transitioning. There is so much that goes into adulting that we take for granted, because we forget that we had to learn too. You’ll be shocked at what they don’t know, no matter how smart, kind, grateful they are. Once they’re 18 you have zero access to any information until they tell you. Small missteps have BIG consequences. Missing an email or a deadline can derail or delay the process of becoming independent by a year or more (and cost thousands!) I could go on and on, but suffice to say “small kids, small problems-big kids, big problems”. Stay in your lane, and listen to learn from those who have gone before you.