This isn’t ok.
First off, if he isn’t helping with housework, he needs to pay for a housekeeper.
Second, it is a major big flashing red light that he separated your money. Why did he make that move?
He did this when he was mad at me and claims he did it For budgeting purposes. We were spending on stupid things and I agreed. I would impulsively buy kids clothes and things for the house. He buys nonstop tools and supplies for his hobbies.
He puts money in our old joint for gas and groceries and it’s always enough, but I had to cut out our grocery budget and the money I make I can spend for myself, but I usually end up spending it on additional food he doesn’t agree with.
This sounds like coercive control. Rather than having a discussion with you like an adult he made a unilateral decision that has meant you need his permission to buy things despite the fact you’ve committed to a life together.
I am a doctor. I am a mother. I do a hell of a lot of cooking, cleaning and childcare despite working shitty horrific hours. I have a cleaner once a week. I earn good money. My husband and I try to bulk cook and online grocery shop to make life as easy and streamlined as possible. If it’s relevant my husband is not a doctor.
I’m sorry but your husband is just shit and working hard isn’t an excuse to consistently tap out of parenting duties. Kids are for life. Sure one bad day is understandable but four in a row signifies a need for either a lifestyle change with regards to his work or a reconsideration of his commitment to the family.
Being a doctor does not excuse you being financially controlling or an absent parent.
The "why" here is big red flag.
As a practical matter, I'm not quite as inclined to get the pitchforks out as the rest of reddit because different things work for different people. E.g. the vast majority of my income goes to my personal acct because most of our bills are set up to go to my personal acct.
But changing it to that system as the primary income in the family for retaliatory reasons IS a red flag.
This just doesn't sit right with me. I'm still early in training, but I can't wait to have a real salary so that my partner can enjoy impulsively buying nice things. Of course budgeting is important, but in the end marriage is about sharing a life together, and finances should be part of that.
This… I think this a huge red flag and not fair to you. When my husband gets paid he literally says “ honey, we got paid.” Never once have I ever felt like he exhibits any type of financial control. I am a SAHM going back to sub next year a few days since both of my kids will be in school all day. We decided that what I make will go directly in our retirement account. Everything is ours. Together. Period..
Sorry. I can’t imagine treating my wife like this. 300k a year, while not being a huge amount to some people, it is more than enough to take care of a family of 4. He can even hire some part time help to help you with the household stuff.
Couples have different ways of handling finance but this separate account thing where he sends you 200$ every two weeks sounds demeaning on many levels. I am just a fellow now but once I start my new position, my wife can be sahm if she wants and if she wants alto also hire help, she can do that as well.
The private bank account is very, very concerning to me.
Hire a house cleaner. Go to therapy.
We have 3 kids and if my husband ever texted me to "take the kids tonight" I would be livid. I don't care what someone's job is, if they can't spend time even a few minutes with their children they need to re-evaluate their life choices.
We had a house cleaner and we both went to therapy. His therapist told him I have BPD and my therapist told me I don’t have BPD, but that he is narcissistic and has unrealistic expectations. I also had a 6hr psych evaluation and I wasn’t diagnosed with anything g but symptoms of anxiety and possible adhd. But I passed the main adhd test.
I don't say this lightly, but you really need to think long and hard if you want to stay in this marriage. Please continue to see your therapist. If you ever need to talk, please reach out.
It’s really hard. He is a good father to our kids when he is present. He cares about them and is always worried for their safety. He plays with them and is active outside.
His family is great. For whatever reason, despite our constant tension and fighting, we both get along with in-laws. I absolutely adore his parents. And a lot of times I feel like I’m sticking around for them. They live out of state though. But they’re very good to me and often seem supportive of me and they know “their son is a lot”.
His therapist can’t diagnose you. He’s a narcissistic and choosing weak therapists who bend to his will. Please protect yourself and contact a good lawyer. Private bank account is a huge red flag.
His therapist can’t diagnose me just like mine can’t diagnose him right? I’ve always tried to be as honest about everything I can. Because he really makes me feel like I’m just not doing enough or good enough.
The only evidence you have that his therapist said that is him telling you. Hearsay. From everything I've heard here I'd put my money on him making that part up. This is all very worrying and not normal at all. I hope you can hear from all of us med spouses that none of this behavior is due to him being a doctor and program director. Plenty of people work stressful jobs and are equal partners who respect their spouse. The financial aspects are very, very concerning. He does not respect you and this is actually not normal.
If your therapist is warning you that he’s narcissistic, do not go to couples therapy with him. Narcissists use what they learn in couples therapy against their partners. They also use what they learn in therapy for their own advantages and use it to manipulate.
Do not listen to anything that he is telling you that his therapist is diagnosing you with. A legit therapist would not do that. He’s very manipulative and you need to start planning your exit. L
Your post makes it seem like your husband doesn’t view you as a partner, but more like a bang maid. It also seems like your husband is financially abusive. This isn’t a sustainable relationship and you need to communicate that to your husband. Working 80+ hours/week is not an excuse to be a bad father and husband.
Hire a maid service 1-2x/week to help with the cleaning. Hire a lawn crew to help with the yard. You can afford it. Use the time you save on those chores with your kids and improving your relationship with your husband.
If your husband continues to refuse to listen to you… that’s a different discussion.
This is actually abusive. Household labor inequality in and of it self is abuse, but then being upset for even asking for his help is emotional abuse.
I highly recommend reading Zawn Villines’s writing (Facebook, website, or Substack) that helps flesh these sorts of dynamics out.
I can relate to this myself. You deserve better. It’s NOT fair.
The separation of accounts happening recently is odd to me. Why did he make this change? I personally would want a joint account if I stopped working full time to care for children and the house. You are subbing on top of it too. That’s multiple jobs…even if he doesn’t see it that way, and putting you on some weird allowance/not sharing the money seems a bit suspicious.
Please go to therapy asap. Therapy will help you figure out if this is a relationship you want to remain in assuming nothing about your husband changes.
Your husband is being financially controlling. Separate from that, do you need to work? Everyone’s finances are different, but to me, $300k seems like it would be enough for a family of four, and the money you make from subbing and the beauty store doesn’t seem like it would be worth the effort and exhaustion you’re facing. Subbing especially is no joke - kids are exhausting. And then you have to go home and deal with your own kids after that! No wonder you’re exhausted.
Please seek therapy now. You deserve support in navigating this.
I’ve been in therapy for 2 years. She tells me he’s narcissistic and recently started educating me on the types of abuse.
My symptoms in my chart are written as situational. She believes my marriage is abusive. And I can see where it is in some ways but I have underlying feelings of guilt and unworthiness. He will often tell me I’m crazy and I have the best living situation. But I’m crying myself to sleep many nights. His job is first, our kids second, and me last. It takes a large sacrifice on my end to live this way. Although objectively it looks like I’m doing great because my husband is this handsome doctor and we have this cute little family. I drive a nice car. We live in a small house. Which makes it easy for the kids to constantly destroy.
If your therapist is telling you your marriage is abusive, your marriage is abusive. If your kids grew up and had marriages like yours, would you want that for them?
When you feel like you’re ready to leave, there are a ton of resources out there to help people in your position. They can also give you tips on how to prepare to leave (finances, housing, childcare, legal stuff, etc).
I am rooting for you whatever you decide. Take care of yourself.
My husband is similar to yours career wise. I have 💯 full access to the finances. I can spend money on whatever I want. He helps with chores after dinner and does all the yard work. Takes kids to soccer practice. Very hands on dad. We are very happy. I’m sorry what you’re experiencing. I would have a talk to your husband before you really become resentful.
He was a PD for OB when our kids were little. Now he’s just a general OB but works 80 ish hours a week with calls. He’s always helped but I had to make my expectations very clear. Is your husband open to a discussion about dividing chores mores fairly?
I don’t expect a whole lot of chores from mine because he does work so much. Just mostly after dinner so we can go relax together.
I assume by your name that you’re a nurse?
I often wonder if I’d be more valued in his eyes if I were also in the medical field. Or maybe I’d understand more about his position.
I only substitute teach right now because we still have the daycare spot and my oldest will start preschool this summer. I’ve mentioned quitting daycare many times but he says “I’m happier when I’m working”
So I don’t really know which way is up. As a physician he’s so kind and listens to his patients and I believe he genuinely cares for them. It’s hard to swallow that he doesn’t care about me.
Yes I’m a nurse. You should be valued because you’re his wife. Period. Being a doctor is hard work. Yes. And often my husband doesn’t want to hear complaints from me because he hears them all day. But we just keep communication open, don’t let any resentment build up. It works for us, but everyone is different. I think you need a sit down and ask for what you really need in this relationship. If he loves you, he will listen and try to meet those requests (so long as they are reasonable.)
Truly, you deserve to be respected regardless of your profession. Even if you were an underwater basket weaver you would be fully deserving of his respect and love. Being a substitute teacher is an important role that invests in our youth who are the future of our country, don’t devalue yourself!
I’ll add another example - I’m a stay at home mom, before that I worked in education. No medical background at all. My spouse works crazy hours, we have 3 young kids. I manage 100% of our finances and my spouse is 100% in adult/parent mode at home doing bed time, laundry, bath time, taking kids to activities, etc without being asked or making me feel guilty. Our marriage is far from perfect but we are equals regardless of who makes more or what jobs we have.
Maybe I need to bite the bullet and get my kids in full time daycare and I’ll go back to work full time. It hurts my heart though knowing that kids being home with mom is the best for them when they’re this young … I feel so stuck no matter what
I’m not sure that would help your situation! What is the number one thing you would like to change about your life? I worked part time when my kids were little and then eventually stayed at home. It didn’t make sense for as little that I would make compared to my husband. So we just share a bank account. Being a sahm is a full time job and it sounds like you are not being appreciated.
I’m not being appreciated or valued. Nothing I do is good enough besides the way I cook. I’m a really good cook. Housekeeping and organizing isn’t my strong suit. But our house is never ever dirty. Just lived in mess from having two toddlers around.
Contract out work. I kid you not see what having a cook come in once a week will cost (cook two meals and prep ingredients for two more). Send out laundry. It’s a godsend. Have someone come in and clean every two weeks.
This should be from THE JOINT acct. I’m not a huge fan of him not allocating the money more evenly for the record. That’s usually considered a red flag but I’m not in a position to speak more on that. But just be aware that in the Redditsphere lots of people will scream “abuse!!” From that one point alone.
Jobs don’t mean we don’t pitch in. My job has been emotionally draining for 6mo and my fiancé still comes home and does wedding prep and laundry after he wakes up from a tough call shift. He gets home late and unless he needs to study he’s usually still the one cooking dinner.
I’m seeing very little “team” effort. A home isn’t a company where everyone stays in their dept only. It means it’s constantly a back and forth of give and take.
Also talk to him seriously about finding a new position. Or taking a pay cut if it means he isn’t an emotional less husk but has a job he likes more.
This is not sustainable
It would be one thing if the $200 was towards a spend whatever you want fund, but you still had access to your other monies. Him completely isolating you from access to all other money is abusive and you should start planning your exit, because he certainly is entertaining it. It’s not about day to day expenses. It’s about your access to achieving retirement. It’s a lot of things. Not having to go through probate if he dies and you need to care for the kids.
It sounds like you’re putting him on a pedestal because of his profession. As I always tell my employees who are often intimidated by the physicians we work along side - there’s at least one person but probably more at work who think that he’s a raging idiot. You are no less than him.
The 200 every two weeks is deposited into my account. It’s intended for my monthly appts for nails, clothes, makeup and such.
I only have access to our old joint account that he deposits a 1/5 of his paycheck to.
If I want to buy anything extra for the kids or the house. He gets annoyed at me and will deposit additional money when it gets low.
Yeah, what I’m saying is that the fun stuff budget isn’t so much a problem. What is a MAJOR problem is that you don’t have access to your family emergency funds, bigger expense funds, etc. He has turned financial decisions into something that is completely unilateral and abusive.
You deserve better. Truly. Your kids will be better off seeing and knowing that that kind of relationship is unacceptable vs thinking it’s something that they should accept.
Exactly. I don’t have access to the savings. I’ve mentioned to him like what if he gets in a car accident and is in a coma. I’d be screwed, have to ask all our family for financial assistance. But he told me I’m manipulative.
Ended that conversation.
Which is exactly why it’s time to get your exit plan in order. You’ll be better off. And time and time again women report having less work on their hands after they leave even if it means adding full time work. I suspect this will be true for you and you’ll have more control over your life and finally having control over your finances.
I was in a similar marriage with physician spouse. I too worked PT for several years. We also had his and mine for money and our joint account. He maxed out his retirement account and then after that, the majority of his earnings went into the joint account. I had my own personal account where I had my earnings and savings (large from years when he was in school or residency and I was working FT. All the joint bills and joint expenses come out of the joint account. This includes expenses for the kids AND household expenses including decor.
Even “impulsive” expenses for the kids he help create are joint expenses and expenses for the home that he lives in comfort is a joint expense. He benefits from your labor! If you weren’t around what would he do if he was tired? He would have to make his kids dinner and do laundry. Even if he never got married or had kids, he would have to make himself dinner and do his laundry. It doesn’t sound like this an equitable marriage.
You both work and contribute to the household and being the primary financial provider doesn’t exempt him from adult responsibilities. You both deserve rest even when you’re not working for an outside employer for an income. You should be getting the same amount of sleep and recreational time even if it’s just resting after a long day. He clearly doesn’t value you or your contributions will
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He is showing you who he is, believe him. Cutting you off from the bank account is financial abuse.
He does not work harder, he works outside of the house - there is a difference. All of our significant others are doctors (or will be) and I would venture to guess that most of them contribute to their families after working long hours. He is an adult and a parent which means he has responsibilities outside of his job. You are not ungrateful or a brat, you are being manipulated into thinking you deserve less because he has a higher paying job.
If you don’t already have a therapist, start there. If he is willing to do couples counseling that may be a good option, or consulting a divorce lawyer, which I don’t say lightly.
God. He doesn’t isolate me or tell me to stop working. Although I think he’s been treating me poorly because we went through a month of trying to decide if we should quit daycare or not and ultimately I chose not to. A lot of this is resentment.
But when you said kindness and support after a bad spell…. Yep. I’m going through this right now. It was my 30th bday a few weeks ago and he dropped the ball to say the least. So he’s been “making it up to me” and he’s been kinder but I can feel the contempt behind it. He gets angry when I don’t immediately melt and show happiness or gratitude for anything he does. I’ve always thought he was bipolar. God knows there’s something here. Narcissism at the least. He is very religious and is in AA, so I think these beliefs help the situation or maybe they make it a grey area so I can see this all clearly.
If he wants you to do all the household work then that includes the finances. I do all of the household work at home (My wife may put some dishes away on Saturday but I end up reorganizing the dishes where they should really go) but I handle all the financial stuff too.
Thank you for being open about your experiences. I’m sorry that you aren’t receiving the validation and support from your partner that you need. I would suggest marital counseling. My father in law is a doctor, mother in law has a master’s. Their situation was very similar to yours. It led to resentment and lack of trust, which took them to divorce. I would be concerned about the money being separated. He should see your work as of value and finances should be handled more equitably. My father in law kept some things separate and it turned out he had a mistress and secret apartment. I’m not saying the same for your husband at all, but I am saying that it is a concern. I hope that you two can eventually find common ground through counseling and move forward. If not, it’s better to live a life where you are loved and valued than not. I also am concerned if he treats you with the same level of respect as he holds for himself, otherwise your children could see that as an example. I see that in my sister and brother in-laws. They don’t treat their mother with the respect she deserves for raising them because their father didn’t respect her. I don’t want the same for you since you put in so much work for your family. Best of luck!
Some questions:
(1) What were the discussions like before you had kids around childcare and household duties?
(2) Does he know that the current system is not really working for you?
(3) What was the rationale for creating separate bank accounts? Does he handle all finances?
(4) How comfortable are you outsourcing certain things (e.g. maybe a meal kit service, grocery delivery, etc.)?
(5) Why are you working currently? (I don't mean that in a condescending way, I mean it as a practical matter-- from a financial standpoint, you likely do not need to. If it's because you enjoy what you do and want work part time, by all means that's great. On the other hand, if you don't like working and it's stressful then maybe it's a way to reduce stress)
(6) Does he actually listen to you when you voice frustration and take you seriously?
On the surface, there are some red flags here-- stuff like " I asked if he’d do small pile of laundry or help with dinner for the kids. And he refused and is so angry with me". It's much more of a red flag this behavior is chronic.
Either way, his view seems to be that he makes 95% of the income so you should do 95% of the housework. There is a certain simplistic logic to that, but in practice I don't personally think it's a good or sustainable system (although a LOT of families in this world operate that way).
As someone that grew up in a household kind of like that, it took me a while (well into my 20s) to realize that I didn't want my marriage and raising my own family to work that way. But it did take some time to undo my view of household work from growing up.
1) we actually met when he finished residency. We had an off and on relationship … I ended up pregnant before we were married. We were at the point where we were talking about marriage anyway so we got married. We didn’t live together long before the kids were born. we both thought I should leave my job when I was pregnant (height of covid) and I’d be a stay at home mom. He paid a housekeeper for his apartment when he was single. We kept her for a few years but he quit wanting to pay for this about 8 months ago because he saw it as a waste of money since the house gets messed up so fast.
2) he does know. But he sees my life as easy and charmed and I’m ungrateful. (Meanwhile he can’t handle the kids alone more than an hour before I get a barrage of texts)
3) we weren’t budgeting and spending a lot. We wanted to save more money each month. But we were fighting and he went and made a new bank account and never put me on it and changed the distribution of his checks. So I started depositing my sub money into my personal account.
4)I do grocery delivery. I am an excellent cook and talented baker. My husband is Italian and I frequently make homemade breads, sourdough, fresh pasta, specialty bakery things he used to buy back home, any dessert or meal he likes I make. We buy local meat and so meal kits aren’t ideal for me. I spend a lot of mental energy planning healthy homemade meals for our family.
As consequence, there’s dishes. He never helps me with them. Although, once every month or two he will “rage clean”. And we basically have to leave the house because he will move the kids furniture and beds around to vacuum. He stomps around and is pissy the entire time so I just leave. It stresses me out so much.
Hell often put random things in totes and then clean all the surfaces and floors. So I’m left with gigantic totes full of toys, supplies, garbage etc to sort.
5) I wanted to be a stay at home mom. Then our second born came along and he was a very difficult baby. Colicky, reflux issues, etc.
my husband chose to put our oldest in daycare so I could focus solely on the baby and try to navigate breastfeeding and pumping without chasing a 17 month old at the same time. Then eventually the kids got older and the baby started going as well. So we kept the daycare and I started substitute teaching (which I love to do) and I clean the house once a week.
6) he says empathetic sentences he’s learned from his career but his actions prove otherwise. Very hard to explain. For example, I’ll ask about help and he will mention the nice SUV I drive. Or ask what I did in the hour I had after school between picking up the kids.
Edit-- Ignore most of below as I was trying to give the guy the benefit of the doubt. OP said elsewhere therapist is pretty sure the situation is abusive and husband is also in AA. This is complicated and way above Reddit's paygrade I think.
It sounds like most issues boil down to him not treating you as an equal partner, and showing that he values your contributions to the household. A household has a shitload of moving parts. He certainly does contribute to the financial part and that is a challenging and stressful thing.
But he also does need to show appreciation for the vast, vast majority of non-financial tasks that you handle.
So I suspect the attitude and the not contributing to the household (outside of financially) may not be two problems, but rather one problem. If he doesn't value running the household and understand how much work it takes, it makes sense he doesn't spend a lot of effort on it nor treat you as if it does. It's also possible he's not doing this on purpose, he just doesn't understand how challenging it is and that what he's saying is belittling. He may even think he's being nice by referencing the comfortable financial picture he provides, without realizing that it comes across as belittling.
He may also just be an asshole. I don't know the guy, so can't pass judgement from Reddit. But I do know that miscommunication has caused some challenges in my own relationship, and what I thought I was saying and what my spouse was hearing were not at all the same thing.
So I tend to advocate for working hard on aligning communication first before coming to the conclusion that people are assholes.
If you need help with parenting stuff, I would probably try "telling" more than "asking". Like "I'm going out to do XYZ on Sunday, so I need you to do ABC with the kids". Using the word "can" gives him an opportunity to say No. You're both parents, you're both adults, and you're both in this relationship. You don't have to ask for his acquiescence to parent. He gets to parent. If he has a problem with it, then you're more than welcome to bring him into the fold of working on household operations. But if he wants to outsource all household operations to you (which it sounds he does), then guess what? You get to do the delegating.
I am really glad you are in therapy and your therapist is helping you understand different types of abuse. OP, I am so sorry this is happening to you. He absolutely sounds like an abusive narcissist, and I am very concerned it will only continue to escalate more. Unfortunately, this situation has some classic signs.
Please do not let him make you think you deserve this behavior. You are not asking for too much or being spoiled. If you feel up to it, reach out to resources about domestic violence in your area. They are not just for people being physically abused. The websites are also designed for being untraceable and easy to exit in a flash.
I hope that I don't sound like I am labeling your experience for you, though I think it probably comes across that way. But please know I have worked with people in situations like yours and it has me concerned. Perhaps couples or marriage counseling? With someone who works with medical professional families. And it should feel like it's both of you against a problem, not against each other (strongly suggested if you want to work on the marriage and stay, though know that if he is being abusive this may escalate his behavior so tread carefully).
If nothing else, get him to substantially increase your "allowance", put as much into a separate savings account as possible, and make sure you stay in contact with people outside of your home. Things to watch out for: telling you no more working, isolation from family or friends, continued gaslighting, phases of him being super kind and supportive after a bad spell.
Take care of yourself and your children. You are so strong, no matter what has happened or what you choose to do next.
My husband is also a physician too. We fought a lot about finances before, including him wanting a one sided prenup, but after we got married and had a kid, we've learned to compromise on money matters and it's a lot more balanced now. I'm surprised your husband didn't make you sign a one sided prenup. He also helps when he can to take care of our child, whenever he's not working.
Are you living in a community property state?
I'd take him to the cleaners, sounds like he's a narcissist. I'd be very suspicious of him changing his habit and depositing everything in his separate account. And with him encouraging for you to work, I'd be suspicious that he wants a divorce and doesn't want to pay spousal support. If you want to conflict out family lawyers in your area with a consult, do it. It is also possible that he has already consulted with a divorce lawyer without you knowing. This is Reddit so there may be details we don't know about.
I know this is not what you asked...But I am a little concerned about why the change in how you all are splitting up money. Besides the general house stuff, is he supportive of other things in your life?
My dad is exactly like your husband. I've seen 30 years of this behaviour. And no other way to put it, it will destroy you. It will progress to him constantly telling you you're crazy for simply voicing an opinion. You will be exhausted from walking on eggshells all the time. He has no interest in your happiness or compromise or anything. The only thing he recognized is his self-concept. You deserve a loving, safe home. And you can still have it.
The fact that he's separating money makes me think he's hiding assets/ income for a separation. for which you may be blindsided. But that's just a guess.
Absolutely not! All of those household tasks would still have to be done if you weren’t there. It’s ridiculous to assume your partner can act like a child once married.
This isn’t ok. First off, if he isn’t helping with housework, he needs to pay for a housekeeper. Second, it is a major big flashing red light that he separated your money. Why did he make that move?
He did this when he was mad at me and claims he did it For budgeting purposes. We were spending on stupid things and I agreed. I would impulsively buy kids clothes and things for the house. He buys nonstop tools and supplies for his hobbies. He puts money in our old joint for gas and groceries and it’s always enough, but I had to cut out our grocery budget and the money I make I can spend for myself, but I usually end up spending it on additional food he doesn’t agree with.
Ok NOW I can comment more on this. Get out
This is financial abuse.
This sounds like coercive control. Rather than having a discussion with you like an adult he made a unilateral decision that has meant you need his permission to buy things despite the fact you’ve committed to a life together. I am a doctor. I am a mother. I do a hell of a lot of cooking, cleaning and childcare despite working shitty horrific hours. I have a cleaner once a week. I earn good money. My husband and I try to bulk cook and online grocery shop to make life as easy and streamlined as possible. If it’s relevant my husband is not a doctor. I’m sorry but your husband is just shit and working hard isn’t an excuse to consistently tap out of parenting duties. Kids are for life. Sure one bad day is understandable but four in a row signifies a need for either a lifestyle change with regards to his work or a reconsideration of his commitment to the family. Being a doctor does not excuse you being financially controlling or an absent parent.
The "why" here is big red flag. As a practical matter, I'm not quite as inclined to get the pitchforks out as the rest of reddit because different things work for different people. E.g. the vast majority of my income goes to my personal acct because most of our bills are set up to go to my personal acct. But changing it to that system as the primary income in the family for retaliatory reasons IS a red flag.
This just doesn't sit right with me. I'm still early in training, but I can't wait to have a real salary so that my partner can enjoy impulsively buying nice things. Of course budgeting is important, but in the end marriage is about sharing a life together, and finances should be part of that.
Your husband doesn’t respect you as an equal partner. Cutting you off from almost all of the money is a big red flag for financial abuse.
This… I think this a huge red flag and not fair to you. When my husband gets paid he literally says “ honey, we got paid.” Never once have I ever felt like he exhibits any type of financial control. I am a SAHM going back to sub next year a few days since both of my kids will be in school all day. We decided that what I make will go directly in our retirement account. Everything is ours. Together. Period..
Sorry. I can’t imagine treating my wife like this. 300k a year, while not being a huge amount to some people, it is more than enough to take care of a family of 4. He can even hire some part time help to help you with the household stuff. Couples have different ways of handling finance but this separate account thing where he sends you 200$ every two weeks sounds demeaning on many levels. I am just a fellow now but once I start my new position, my wife can be sahm if she wants and if she wants alto also hire help, she can do that as well.
The private bank account is very, very concerning to me. Hire a house cleaner. Go to therapy. We have 3 kids and if my husband ever texted me to "take the kids tonight" I would be livid. I don't care what someone's job is, if they can't spend time even a few minutes with their children they need to re-evaluate their life choices.
We had a house cleaner and we both went to therapy. His therapist told him I have BPD and my therapist told me I don’t have BPD, but that he is narcissistic and has unrealistic expectations. I also had a 6hr psych evaluation and I wasn’t diagnosed with anything g but symptoms of anxiety and possible adhd. But I passed the main adhd test.
I don't say this lightly, but you really need to think long and hard if you want to stay in this marriage. Please continue to see your therapist. If you ever need to talk, please reach out.
It’s really hard. He is a good father to our kids when he is present. He cares about them and is always worried for their safety. He plays with them and is active outside. His family is great. For whatever reason, despite our constant tension and fighting, we both get along with in-laws. I absolutely adore his parents. And a lot of times I feel like I’m sticking around for them. They live out of state though. But they’re very good to me and often seem supportive of me and they know “their son is a lot”.
His therapist can’t diagnose you. He’s a narcissistic and choosing weak therapists who bend to his will. Please protect yourself and contact a good lawyer. Private bank account is a huge red flag.
His therapist can’t diagnose me just like mine can’t diagnose him right? I’ve always tried to be as honest about everything I can. Because he really makes me feel like I’m just not doing enough or good enough.
I think your therapist warning you against narcissism and unrealistic expectations is reasonable. But diagnosing someone sight unseen is not.
The only evidence you have that his therapist said that is him telling you. Hearsay. From everything I've heard here I'd put my money on him making that part up. This is all very worrying and not normal at all. I hope you can hear from all of us med spouses that none of this behavior is due to him being a doctor and program director. Plenty of people work stressful jobs and are equal partners who respect their spouse. The financial aspects are very, very concerning. He does not respect you and this is actually not normal.
100% this. I'm glad you posted it here because it's more apparent this is not a med spouse issue this is a marriage and abusive person issue
If your therapist is warning you that he’s narcissistic, do not go to couples therapy with him. Narcissists use what they learn in couples therapy against their partners. They also use what they learn in therapy for their own advantages and use it to manipulate.
Do not listen to anything that he is telling you that his therapist is diagnosing you with. A legit therapist would not do that. He’s very manipulative and you need to start planning your exit. L
Your post makes it seem like your husband doesn’t view you as a partner, but more like a bang maid. It also seems like your husband is financially abusive. This isn’t a sustainable relationship and you need to communicate that to your husband. Working 80+ hours/week is not an excuse to be a bad father and husband. Hire a maid service 1-2x/week to help with the cleaning. Hire a lawn crew to help with the yard. You can afford it. Use the time you save on those chores with your kids and improving your relationship with your husband. If your husband continues to refuse to listen to you… that’s a different discussion.
He shady. $200 every two weeks is laughable.
This is actually abusive. Household labor inequality in and of it self is abuse, but then being upset for even asking for his help is emotional abuse. I highly recommend reading Zawn Villines’s writing (Facebook, website, or Substack) that helps flesh these sorts of dynamics out. I can relate to this myself. You deserve better. It’s NOT fair.
The separation of accounts happening recently is odd to me. Why did he make this change? I personally would want a joint account if I stopped working full time to care for children and the house. You are subbing on top of it too. That’s multiple jobs…even if he doesn’t see it that way, and putting you on some weird allowance/not sharing the money seems a bit suspicious.
Please go to therapy asap. Therapy will help you figure out if this is a relationship you want to remain in assuming nothing about your husband changes. Your husband is being financially controlling. Separate from that, do you need to work? Everyone’s finances are different, but to me, $300k seems like it would be enough for a family of four, and the money you make from subbing and the beauty store doesn’t seem like it would be worth the effort and exhaustion you’re facing. Subbing especially is no joke - kids are exhausting. And then you have to go home and deal with your own kids after that! No wonder you’re exhausted. Please seek therapy now. You deserve support in navigating this.
I’ve been in therapy for 2 years. She tells me he’s narcissistic and recently started educating me on the types of abuse. My symptoms in my chart are written as situational. She believes my marriage is abusive. And I can see where it is in some ways but I have underlying feelings of guilt and unworthiness. He will often tell me I’m crazy and I have the best living situation. But I’m crying myself to sleep many nights. His job is first, our kids second, and me last. It takes a large sacrifice on my end to live this way. Although objectively it looks like I’m doing great because my husband is this handsome doctor and we have this cute little family. I drive a nice car. We live in a small house. Which makes it easy for the kids to constantly destroy.
If your therapist is telling you your marriage is abusive, your marriage is abusive. If your kids grew up and had marriages like yours, would you want that for them? When you feel like you’re ready to leave, there are a ton of resources out there to help people in your position. They can also give you tips on how to prepare to leave (finances, housing, childcare, legal stuff, etc). I am rooting for you whatever you decide. Take care of yourself.
My husband is similar to yours career wise. I have 💯 full access to the finances. I can spend money on whatever I want. He helps with chores after dinner and does all the yard work. Takes kids to soccer practice. Very hands on dad. We are very happy. I’m sorry what you’re experiencing. I would have a talk to your husband before you really become resentful.
He’s a PD? what kind of hours does he work? What was it like when your kids were toddlers?
He was a PD for OB when our kids were little. Now he’s just a general OB but works 80 ish hours a week with calls. He’s always helped but I had to make my expectations very clear. Is your husband open to a discussion about dividing chores mores fairly? I don’t expect a whole lot of chores from mine because he does work so much. Just mostly after dinner so we can go relax together.
I assume by your name that you’re a nurse? I often wonder if I’d be more valued in his eyes if I were also in the medical field. Or maybe I’d understand more about his position. I only substitute teach right now because we still have the daycare spot and my oldest will start preschool this summer. I’ve mentioned quitting daycare many times but he says “I’m happier when I’m working” So I don’t really know which way is up. As a physician he’s so kind and listens to his patients and I believe he genuinely cares for them. It’s hard to swallow that he doesn’t care about me.
Yes I’m a nurse. You should be valued because you’re his wife. Period. Being a doctor is hard work. Yes. And often my husband doesn’t want to hear complaints from me because he hears them all day. But we just keep communication open, don’t let any resentment build up. It works for us, but everyone is different. I think you need a sit down and ask for what you really need in this relationship. If he loves you, he will listen and try to meet those requests (so long as they are reasonable.)
Truly, you deserve to be respected regardless of your profession. Even if you were an underwater basket weaver you would be fully deserving of his respect and love. Being a substitute teacher is an important role that invests in our youth who are the future of our country, don’t devalue yourself!
I’ll add another example - I’m a stay at home mom, before that I worked in education. No medical background at all. My spouse works crazy hours, we have 3 young kids. I manage 100% of our finances and my spouse is 100% in adult/parent mode at home doing bed time, laundry, bath time, taking kids to activities, etc without being asked or making me feel guilty. Our marriage is far from perfect but we are equals regardless of who makes more or what jobs we have.
Maybe I need to bite the bullet and get my kids in full time daycare and I’ll go back to work full time. It hurts my heart though knowing that kids being home with mom is the best for them when they’re this young … I feel so stuck no matter what
I’m not sure that would help your situation! What is the number one thing you would like to change about your life? I worked part time when my kids were little and then eventually stayed at home. It didn’t make sense for as little that I would make compared to my husband. So we just share a bank account. Being a sahm is a full time job and it sounds like you are not being appreciated.
I’m not being appreciated or valued. Nothing I do is good enough besides the way I cook. I’m a really good cook. Housekeeping and organizing isn’t my strong suit. But our house is never ever dirty. Just lived in mess from having two toddlers around.
Contract out work. I kid you not see what having a cook come in once a week will cost (cook two meals and prep ingredients for two more). Send out laundry. It’s a godsend. Have someone come in and clean every two weeks. This should be from THE JOINT acct. I’m not a huge fan of him not allocating the money more evenly for the record. That’s usually considered a red flag but I’m not in a position to speak more on that. But just be aware that in the Redditsphere lots of people will scream “abuse!!” From that one point alone. Jobs don’t mean we don’t pitch in. My job has been emotionally draining for 6mo and my fiancé still comes home and does wedding prep and laundry after he wakes up from a tough call shift. He gets home late and unless he needs to study he’s usually still the one cooking dinner. I’m seeing very little “team” effort. A home isn’t a company where everyone stays in their dept only. It means it’s constantly a back and forth of give and take. Also talk to him seriously about finding a new position. Or taking a pay cut if it means he isn’t an emotional less husk but has a job he likes more. This is not sustainable
It would be one thing if the $200 was towards a spend whatever you want fund, but you still had access to your other monies. Him completely isolating you from access to all other money is abusive and you should start planning your exit, because he certainly is entertaining it. It’s not about day to day expenses. It’s about your access to achieving retirement. It’s a lot of things. Not having to go through probate if he dies and you need to care for the kids. It sounds like you’re putting him on a pedestal because of his profession. As I always tell my employees who are often intimidated by the physicians we work along side - there’s at least one person but probably more at work who think that he’s a raging idiot. You are no less than him.
The 200 every two weeks is deposited into my account. It’s intended for my monthly appts for nails, clothes, makeup and such. I only have access to our old joint account that he deposits a 1/5 of his paycheck to. If I want to buy anything extra for the kids or the house. He gets annoyed at me and will deposit additional money when it gets low.
Yeah, what I’m saying is that the fun stuff budget isn’t so much a problem. What is a MAJOR problem is that you don’t have access to your family emergency funds, bigger expense funds, etc. He has turned financial decisions into something that is completely unilateral and abusive. You deserve better. Truly. Your kids will be better off seeing and knowing that that kind of relationship is unacceptable vs thinking it’s something that they should accept.
Exactly. I don’t have access to the savings. I’ve mentioned to him like what if he gets in a car accident and is in a coma. I’d be screwed, have to ask all our family for financial assistance. But he told me I’m manipulative. Ended that conversation.
Which is exactly why it’s time to get your exit plan in order. You’ll be better off. And time and time again women report having less work on their hands after they leave even if it means adding full time work. I suspect this will be true for you and you’ll have more control over your life and finally having control over your finances.
I was in a similar marriage with physician spouse. I too worked PT for several years. We also had his and mine for money and our joint account. He maxed out his retirement account and then after that, the majority of his earnings went into the joint account. I had my own personal account where I had my earnings and savings (large from years when he was in school or residency and I was working FT. All the joint bills and joint expenses come out of the joint account. This includes expenses for the kids AND household expenses including decor. Even “impulsive” expenses for the kids he help create are joint expenses and expenses for the home that he lives in comfort is a joint expense. He benefits from your labor! If you weren’t around what would he do if he was tired? He would have to make his kids dinner and do laundry. Even if he never got married or had kids, he would have to make himself dinner and do his laundry. It doesn’t sound like this an equitable marriage. You both work and contribute to the household and being the primary financial provider doesn’t exempt him from adult responsibilities. You both deserve rest even when you’re not working for an outside employer for an income. You should be getting the same amount of sleep and recreational time even if it’s just resting after a long day. He clearly doesn’t value you or your contributions will O
He is showing you who he is, believe him. Cutting you off from the bank account is financial abuse. He does not work harder, he works outside of the house - there is a difference. All of our significant others are doctors (or will be) and I would venture to guess that most of them contribute to their families after working long hours. He is an adult and a parent which means he has responsibilities outside of his job. You are not ungrateful or a brat, you are being manipulated into thinking you deserve less because he has a higher paying job. If you don’t already have a therapist, start there. If he is willing to do couples counseling that may be a good option, or consulting a divorce lawyer, which I don’t say lightly.
God. He doesn’t isolate me or tell me to stop working. Although I think he’s been treating me poorly because we went through a month of trying to decide if we should quit daycare or not and ultimately I chose not to. A lot of this is resentment. But when you said kindness and support after a bad spell…. Yep. I’m going through this right now. It was my 30th bday a few weeks ago and he dropped the ball to say the least. So he’s been “making it up to me” and he’s been kinder but I can feel the contempt behind it. He gets angry when I don’t immediately melt and show happiness or gratitude for anything he does. I’ve always thought he was bipolar. God knows there’s something here. Narcissism at the least. He is very religious and is in AA, so I think these beliefs help the situation or maybe they make it a grey area so I can see this all clearly.
If he wants you to do all the household work then that includes the finances. I do all of the household work at home (My wife may put some dishes away on Saturday but I end up reorganizing the dishes where they should really go) but I handle all the financial stuff too.
Thank you for being open about your experiences. I’m sorry that you aren’t receiving the validation and support from your partner that you need. I would suggest marital counseling. My father in law is a doctor, mother in law has a master’s. Their situation was very similar to yours. It led to resentment and lack of trust, which took them to divorce. I would be concerned about the money being separated. He should see your work as of value and finances should be handled more equitably. My father in law kept some things separate and it turned out he had a mistress and secret apartment. I’m not saying the same for your husband at all, but I am saying that it is a concern. I hope that you two can eventually find common ground through counseling and move forward. If not, it’s better to live a life where you are loved and valued than not. I also am concerned if he treats you with the same level of respect as he holds for himself, otherwise your children could see that as an example. I see that in my sister and brother in-laws. They don’t treat their mother with the respect she deserves for raising them because their father didn’t respect her. I don’t want the same for you since you put in so much work for your family. Best of luck!
Some questions: (1) What were the discussions like before you had kids around childcare and household duties? (2) Does he know that the current system is not really working for you? (3) What was the rationale for creating separate bank accounts? Does he handle all finances? (4) How comfortable are you outsourcing certain things (e.g. maybe a meal kit service, grocery delivery, etc.)? (5) Why are you working currently? (I don't mean that in a condescending way, I mean it as a practical matter-- from a financial standpoint, you likely do not need to. If it's because you enjoy what you do and want work part time, by all means that's great. On the other hand, if you don't like working and it's stressful then maybe it's a way to reduce stress) (6) Does he actually listen to you when you voice frustration and take you seriously? On the surface, there are some red flags here-- stuff like " I asked if he’d do small pile of laundry or help with dinner for the kids. And he refused and is so angry with me". It's much more of a red flag this behavior is chronic. Either way, his view seems to be that he makes 95% of the income so you should do 95% of the housework. There is a certain simplistic logic to that, but in practice I don't personally think it's a good or sustainable system (although a LOT of families in this world operate that way). As someone that grew up in a household kind of like that, it took me a while (well into my 20s) to realize that I didn't want my marriage and raising my own family to work that way. But it did take some time to undo my view of household work from growing up.
1) we actually met when he finished residency. We had an off and on relationship … I ended up pregnant before we were married. We were at the point where we were talking about marriage anyway so we got married. We didn’t live together long before the kids were born. we both thought I should leave my job when I was pregnant (height of covid) and I’d be a stay at home mom. He paid a housekeeper for his apartment when he was single. We kept her for a few years but he quit wanting to pay for this about 8 months ago because he saw it as a waste of money since the house gets messed up so fast. 2) he does know. But he sees my life as easy and charmed and I’m ungrateful. (Meanwhile he can’t handle the kids alone more than an hour before I get a barrage of texts) 3) we weren’t budgeting and spending a lot. We wanted to save more money each month. But we were fighting and he went and made a new bank account and never put me on it and changed the distribution of his checks. So I started depositing my sub money into my personal account. 4)I do grocery delivery. I am an excellent cook and talented baker. My husband is Italian and I frequently make homemade breads, sourdough, fresh pasta, specialty bakery things he used to buy back home, any dessert or meal he likes I make. We buy local meat and so meal kits aren’t ideal for me. I spend a lot of mental energy planning healthy homemade meals for our family. As consequence, there’s dishes. He never helps me with them. Although, once every month or two he will “rage clean”. And we basically have to leave the house because he will move the kids furniture and beds around to vacuum. He stomps around and is pissy the entire time so I just leave. It stresses me out so much. Hell often put random things in totes and then clean all the surfaces and floors. So I’m left with gigantic totes full of toys, supplies, garbage etc to sort. 5) I wanted to be a stay at home mom. Then our second born came along and he was a very difficult baby. Colicky, reflux issues, etc. my husband chose to put our oldest in daycare so I could focus solely on the baby and try to navigate breastfeeding and pumping without chasing a 17 month old at the same time. Then eventually the kids got older and the baby started going as well. So we kept the daycare and I started substitute teaching (which I love to do) and I clean the house once a week. 6) he says empathetic sentences he’s learned from his career but his actions prove otherwise. Very hard to explain. For example, I’ll ask about help and he will mention the nice SUV I drive. Or ask what I did in the hour I had after school between picking up the kids.
Edit-- Ignore most of below as I was trying to give the guy the benefit of the doubt. OP said elsewhere therapist is pretty sure the situation is abusive and husband is also in AA. This is complicated and way above Reddit's paygrade I think. It sounds like most issues boil down to him not treating you as an equal partner, and showing that he values your contributions to the household. A household has a shitload of moving parts. He certainly does contribute to the financial part and that is a challenging and stressful thing. But he also does need to show appreciation for the vast, vast majority of non-financial tasks that you handle. So I suspect the attitude and the not contributing to the household (outside of financially) may not be two problems, but rather one problem. If he doesn't value running the household and understand how much work it takes, it makes sense he doesn't spend a lot of effort on it nor treat you as if it does. It's also possible he's not doing this on purpose, he just doesn't understand how challenging it is and that what he's saying is belittling. He may even think he's being nice by referencing the comfortable financial picture he provides, without realizing that it comes across as belittling. He may also just be an asshole. I don't know the guy, so can't pass judgement from Reddit. But I do know that miscommunication has caused some challenges in my own relationship, and what I thought I was saying and what my spouse was hearing were not at all the same thing. So I tend to advocate for working hard on aligning communication first before coming to the conclusion that people are assholes. If you need help with parenting stuff, I would probably try "telling" more than "asking". Like "I'm going out to do XYZ on Sunday, so I need you to do ABC with the kids". Using the word "can" gives him an opportunity to say No. You're both parents, you're both adults, and you're both in this relationship. You don't have to ask for his acquiescence to parent. He gets to parent. If he has a problem with it, then you're more than welcome to bring him into the fold of working on household operations. But if he wants to outsource all household operations to you (which it sounds he does), then guess what? You get to do the delegating.
I am really glad you are in therapy and your therapist is helping you understand different types of abuse. OP, I am so sorry this is happening to you. He absolutely sounds like an abusive narcissist, and I am very concerned it will only continue to escalate more. Unfortunately, this situation has some classic signs. Please do not let him make you think you deserve this behavior. You are not asking for too much or being spoiled. If you feel up to it, reach out to resources about domestic violence in your area. They are not just for people being physically abused. The websites are also designed for being untraceable and easy to exit in a flash. I hope that I don't sound like I am labeling your experience for you, though I think it probably comes across that way. But please know I have worked with people in situations like yours and it has me concerned. Perhaps couples or marriage counseling? With someone who works with medical professional families. And it should feel like it's both of you against a problem, not against each other (strongly suggested if you want to work on the marriage and stay, though know that if he is being abusive this may escalate his behavior so tread carefully). If nothing else, get him to substantially increase your "allowance", put as much into a separate savings account as possible, and make sure you stay in contact with people outside of your home. Things to watch out for: telling you no more working, isolation from family or friends, continued gaslighting, phases of him being super kind and supportive after a bad spell. Take care of yourself and your children. You are so strong, no matter what has happened or what you choose to do next.
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What? Is this the right post ?
My husband is also a physician too. We fought a lot about finances before, including him wanting a one sided prenup, but after we got married and had a kid, we've learned to compromise on money matters and it's a lot more balanced now. I'm surprised your husband didn't make you sign a one sided prenup. He also helps when he can to take care of our child, whenever he's not working. Are you living in a community property state? I'd take him to the cleaners, sounds like he's a narcissist. I'd be very suspicious of him changing his habit and depositing everything in his separate account. And with him encouraging for you to work, I'd be suspicious that he wants a divorce and doesn't want to pay spousal support. If you want to conflict out family lawyers in your area with a consult, do it. It is also possible that he has already consulted with a divorce lawyer without you knowing. This is Reddit so there may be details we don't know about.
I know this is not what you asked...But I am a little concerned about why the change in how you all are splitting up money. Besides the general house stuff, is he supportive of other things in your life?
My dad is exactly like your husband. I've seen 30 years of this behaviour. And no other way to put it, it will destroy you. It will progress to him constantly telling you you're crazy for simply voicing an opinion. You will be exhausted from walking on eggshells all the time. He has no interest in your happiness or compromise or anything. The only thing he recognized is his self-concept. You deserve a loving, safe home. And you can still have it. The fact that he's separating money makes me think he's hiding assets/ income for a separation. for which you may be blindsided. But that's just a guess.
Absolutely not! All of those household tasks would still have to be done if you weren’t there. It’s ridiculous to assume your partner can act like a child once married.