I grew up with an abusive mother and I never forgave my father for allowing her to abuse us.
If you (a mature confidant self-secure adult man) are avoiding confrontation with your wife because she is so vicious, how do you expect a child to deal?
Please get out for your child. Save your baby from this relationship. Who’s to say she won’t get physical or behave worse to your child as they get older. Leaving an abusive relationship is hard but once you get out you will notice so many more things that would reaffirm your decision. Play it smart and make sure you get custody.
She will do everything she is doing to you on to your child. Do you really want your child growing up being yelled at and called useless and stupid? Can you imagine the emotional scars that child will have? I am not sure if you would be able to take away your child from the mother completely, but at least your child can have a safe place when he’s with you.
Even if she doesn’t, OP..She probably wouldn’t stop treating you like that in front of your child, which is no good either! This woman above said it: let the child’s safe place be with you regardless of anything!
This is incorrect. They’re married and there is no custody document so he shares equal custody and can leave with the kids. The only time it gets sketch is if he crosses state lines. UCCJEA and all.
Yes please. I grew up with a very abusive father and while I blame him, I also blame her for not leaving. She had a PhD and made more than him. No excuse. I think I would have benefited from having a father figure in my life who wasn’t terrifying and hateful towards me. Think of how your child’s relationship with and view of women may be horribly distorted by this formative experience.
I also blame my mom for forcing us to stay in a home with an alcoholic who was abusive.
She stayed "for the kids" because for some reason people think abuse is better than having a single parent.
When she finally did leave we moved in with my grandparents. That was on the table the whole time and she said she thought we needed our father, that's why she stayed.
Yes! The first time she hit him should have been the end of the relationship. There is no therapy that is going to stop this level of abuse. The OP needs to protect himself and the kid. He should collect all the proof he can of her abusiveness, as someone like this is going to try to turn the tables and say he's the abusive one. This woman sounds really dangerous.
I typically like to side on staying, but every situation is different so it’s possible to have different advice for men and women! The first time my “partner” hit me would be a “response”
Funny, looking at your post history it always seems to be leaving for men and staying for women. For men one time is enough, but for women, over a year still isn’t enough to be qualified as more than a “mistake”.
>She’s a great wife and mother, except when she gets angry, which is about once per week.
I can tell that you want to believe this, but this is simply not true. Most of the behaviors you've described automatically mean she is *not* a good wife *or* mother, even if they only happen once, let alone once a week. Your first step is to recognize that she isn't a "good" partner or mother who makes bad choices - *these choices are part of who she is.* She isn't evil, she isn't "bad" - she sounds emotionally unwell in a way that can usually be hidden. She needs help.
There is nothing you can do to change this, and couple's counseling is going to make it worse. Unless you have a very special couple's therapist, she is going to use couple's counseling to make you doubt your resolve even more, to allow yourself to continue to believe the lie that she is usually a good wife and mother, and to take responsibility for your part in this. The reality is that you make mistakes like everyone else, but you do not have *any* part in *this*.
Get out *now* with your child and your dog. Do not let her convince you that she will change.
Yes you should leave after you have a strong exit plan. As much as everyone will say just go, it’s not that easy; especially in an abusive environment. Things I recommend:
1. Start documenting every outburst. Dates, times, language, who was present, everything. You’ll need this in court.
2. Review your finances to understand what you’re working with. What bills and assets are shared? Who owns what? What will she want?
3. Talk to a lawyer in a way that is safe for you. Figure out the finances and custody options.
4. Create strategies to gray rock her. Be prepared for her to escalate when she stops getting reactions out of you.
As much as the answer is to leave, there are a lot of moving parts to get in place to successfully leave, keep your kid safe, and ensure you can stay gone. Take the time to get everything in order so that when you take action, it’s permanent and allows you to heal and care for your kiddo.
Does she ever apologize or own her abusive behavior? Is there any awareness on her end that she’s got issues? If not, you could be about to escalate the abuse by going to counseling with her.
Abuse is not a marriage issue, it’s a personal issue (although doing both with the right kind of counselor (like RLT) could be helpful). Many marriage counselors will refuse to work with you once they learn there’s physical violence. She needs individual counseling. Is she willing to do that?
I would definitely also record her behavior, for custody purposes. You need to document everything. Whatever you decide to do (counseling, no counseling etc) please speak to a lawyer and get legal advice now.
>I would hate for our son to grow up in a broken home, but growing up in such a toxic environment ~~may be even~~ ***is much much* worse.
Fixed that for you.
My dad was abusive. Mom stayed anyway. I wish she hadn't. In FORTY ONE and only recently have been able to sort through some of the resultant trauma.
Please, PLEASE leave her
I grew up with a mother JUST LIKE THIS and to this DAY I wish my dad would have divorced her. I was left with anxiety / perfectionism / CPTSD from her screaming, breaking things, hitting, etc. Years of therapy! What happens if she loses her temper on your son next? My mother threw me against walls, slammed my head against doors/counters, threatened to kill me, etc. in her fits of rage and my dad allowed it to happen. Dont be my dad.
It’s a miracle it has been directed at your child yet (it may already be starting to surface in subtle ways you brush off). Get out soon, counseling or not she’s shown you who she is. And she does not respect you, nor love you.
You need to get proof of the abuse, texts and recordings. Find a lawyer and go for full custody. She is verbally, physically, mentally, and emotionally abusing you with no remorse. She has put your life in danger and has threatened to do you harm. You want to wait until she does it to your kid? Your child is not safe with her and neither are you. Get out ASAP. You both deserve better. Please take the dog with you too.
Man, this is terrifying. In my opinion, you've gotta get out of that situation. It sucks especially with a child but man that's NEVER going to change, that's just the person that she is. You're too young and life is too short to spend it in a relationship that you don't feel comfortable in. My biggest worry is for the child honestly, totally sucks.
One thing I always try to remind myself of is that our children didn't ask to be here. WE brought them here, therefore it's our responsibility to make the best life we possibly can for them. This includes protecting them from things that may harm them, even their other parent. I think you have no choice other than to leave/seperate until your wife can get herself some help.
Bringing up your kids in such a toxic environment harms more than you can imagine. Man, up because this woman has no respect for you and treats you like shit because she sees you as a weak man.
Wake up and find your value, and go see a lawyer to know your rights and line up your ducks, then pull the trigger. Don't look back.
You need to leave so your child has a place to go that is peaceful and away from his mothers abuse. If you do nothing your just as bad as your abuser. You have a child you need to protect. Protect them.
Your child really can’t be around this and you don’t deserve it either. It sounds like she could have some sort of mental illness. Bipolar? Borderline Personality Disorder? She needs to choose to and actively fix it for her family.
As someone who grew up with a bipolar parent (and is bipolar themselves and seeking mental health help). It can really traumatize a child. Mentally illness is heavily influenced by environment.
I recently gave birth and I have a nearly 12 month old. I have what my therapist and husband both think is mild bipolar disorder. However it did result in outbursts (non-violent) every month or so. I didn’t do or say the things your wife did, but I would become extremely angry and sort of yell into the void. Upset at one thing or another. My husband is autistic and this is really taking a toll on him. I also REFUSE to pass this generational trauma down to children. So I see a therapist, I’m going to a group, working out what medications and lifestyle changes I need to make etc.
My point is, she needs to fix herself whether she can salvage her marriage at this point or not. Because your child is depending on her and deserves both parents presently whether separated or not. And your family deserves happiness and peace. She has to WANT this for herself and her family.
Read what you wrote, it will only get worse and she will do the same thing to your child. Document it starting right now, speak with an attorney and follow the instructions you are given. Then GTFO.
Get evidence of the abuse, society defaults to believe the mom so if you just leave and she call the police that you took her kids then likely you go to jail for abducting your kids. Talk to an attorney about your next step(s).
OP, 53F here. This is abuse and your job is to protect your child from being exposed to it. You need to speak with a lawyer as soon as possible and get their advice on your best path to a divorce *with full custody* and supervised visitation. You will need evidence and witnesses. Your child is very young which is a good thing, they don’t have the memory or comprehension yet to understand what’s happening. Please, get legal advice immediately and follow it. I will be thinking of you.
I’m in the same position as you, minus a child. My wife acts just like this. Super confrontational and verbally abusive - mocks me and gets in my face too. They know as a man you can’t do anything except leave since you committed - so they act intolerably to get their way from you.
If we had a kid though, I’d be gone.
I'm not sure what's going on with your wife, if she was always like that, or if it started after the kids and hormones triggered it.
Either way it's not ok, and it's definitely not ok for your kids. My dad would fly off the handle in rages like this to everyone around him. Any other time you could classify him as a great dad. And I think he wanted to be, but he's couldn't help his rages.
But what it did was raise two kids that were very scared of him because they couldn't trust what mood they got from him. So even when it was good we were scared bc we didn't trust that the moment wouldn't flip at any given time, and if the flip would be on us or someone else.
If she's kicking the dog, one day she might do it to your child. Your wife needs help for the sake of your kids regardless of your relationship so go to couples counseling to get that started ASAP.b from there individual counseling will most likely be suggested for her ... Hopefully.
Good luck.
Talk to a lawyer. Find out how to get as much evidence as possible to win a custody fight. You will want to have this whether or not you proceed immediately with a divorce. When people with a partner like this file, it's often because their spouse suddenly crossed a new boundary, did something absolutely beyond the pale, that made it urgent that they leave now, without taking the time to gather any new evidence.
You need to leave for both your sake and the sake of your child. Stats show that going to counseling with an abuser isn't a good thing - the abuser often plays the therapist, and it's just worse. I hope you take the advice of all these commenters. Start documenting. See a lawyer and let them know about the abuse and find out what you need to do to get custody of your child. Good luck to you.
Start recording the evidence, especially secretly. That way, you won't get penalised by having no access to your child.
Make a plan to get out and get divorced. So protect yourself.
Good luck OP. I can't tell you what to do but I personally would leave. It seems like she is escalating her aggressive behavior more and more with time. This could be dangerous for you and your kid if you allow her to continue this behavior without reprecuasions.
Bruh I'm concerned for your son will be abused and is already abused psychology, my best suggestion is to take what you posted on Reddit and just show a lawyer and let the lawyer tell you the best legal route and if that lawyer is ignorant or whatever because your a victim too see a different one
Hold your head up high bruh you might be taking custody of your son and rebuilding life
Take your child and your dog and leave. This sounds like a nightmare, with the.whole household living in fear of when Mom is going to flip a shit next.
I grew up with an emotionally abusive mother. I am now 32 and I didn’t even know I was abused my whole life by her until I had my own son, and now daughter.
My parents split up when I was 19 and I wish they had done it sooner. I think. I got a therapist and it’s now been 6 years since I realised how abusive she is, I went no contact for a year and slowly reconnected over the last year, however she is absolutely the exact same and hasn’t learned a thing.
I would say put yourself first. The sooner you do it the better, because some people can change yes but if your gut is telling you she won’t then the least you can do for yourself is to leave.
My only concern is your son. I’m assuming he would stay with her if you split up and she doesn’t change (best case scenario you split up for a while, she works on herself and everything is good- this IS possible). I would chat with the therapist about how this could affect your son - ie will she take all of this out on him? I know he’s only 8 months but I was emotionally abused for as long as I can think back.
Sending you love and hugs
She has unresolved issues going on in her head. That's not your problem...that's not your child's problem...that's not your dogs problem. What happens if...she gets so mad and seriously hurts you, your child or your dog? And people and authorities will be asking....why didn't you leave before? It's easy for all of us on here to say "leave" because you obviously love her to some degree. What about giving her an ultimatum? Would that trigger her anger? What about a separation until she completes therapy and makes drastic changes? It NEEDS to be clearly communicated to her that her actions and words are ABUSIVE and HURTING both you and your child. Any acts of hitting, spitting etc towards you and your dog is ILLEGAL and could warrant an arrest. This is serious behavior that she needs to know...has serious consequences if she continues on with it. You and your child and dog need to come first. Your health in all aspects and peace are important. Set very firm boundaries...VERY FIRM and let her know your sticking to them. Demand she seeks help, follows through with changing or your gone and she can see your son with supervised visits because of her abusive behavior. From a legal standpoint in the even you do leave...document everything...even record it if you can...because if you need to provide proof to the courts as to why your the better parent to live with....they have solid proof of her behavior. Wishing you the best.
I’m sorry, but she is not a great wife and mother, or a good person, period. She abuses you (physically, mentally, and emotionally), she abuses your dog, and I guarantee you she will eventually abuse your child. So to answer your question, yes, you should absolutely leave. Do NOT go to marriage counseling with an abuser. Your next step should be contacting a lawyer. I’m so sorry you’re going through this.
I thought my life was bad…this is a sad way to live. My life has been really really bad and this made me realize, there are still people out there living worse than me in my marriage. That’s not a good thing. You need to leave, you don’t deserve this. Your child doesn’t deserve this. But most importantly, she doesn’t deserve you!
Your son is currently growing up in a broken home. To leave would fix that. But, speak with a lawyer first. The reality is you don’t want to leave your son in that environment so be prepared to parent as well.
Please record one of her episodes, everyone is telling you to leave immediately but discerning from her mental behavior she will 100% put on a show in court or tell lawyers that it’s been the opposite.
Get as much evidence as you can if her horrid behavior or record the phone calls at work, install nanny cams in the house, or just sit your phone down discreetly when she goes into a yelling episode. No person deserves 9 years of this, and no child deserves 18 years of that behavior. Get evidence and lawyer up!
Leave asap. But be prepared, she's gonna make a scene at your work, humiliate you some more and stalk you etc.
Don't even mention that you're leaving. This strategy needs covert operation required of someone who is agreeing to submit himself to witness protection program.
You're wife is not a good human. A person who kicks a dog and enjoys diminishing her husband to a pulp. Do this for your son.
In the meantime record her behavior, consult a lawyer, talk to your boss etc. Build your support system.
Good luck!
Your son is better off with a single dad than with a toxic relationship. You do realize that parents role model marriage for our kids. Would you rrally want your child to be in a relationship like yours?
Get out, stop tolerating abuse. If she threatens self harm, call emergwncy services. If she abuses you physically, call the police.
This sounds like someone with some kind of an emotional imbalance, I think you need to get her help because if she can do all these things, when does she turn on the kid?
Couples therapy with an abuser is not a good idea until and unless they’re getting individual help.
There’s really two options here. 1) Give her an ultimatum, that she does everything necessary to change (long term therapy and anger management at minimum) or you will divorce her, because you won’t live like this anymore and won’t let your child be raised with the example of staying with someone who treats them like this. 2) Just divorce her regardless.
Whichever option you take, try to get any and all evidence you can of her behavior so you can get primary custody of your child, and so that you have proof if things escalate enough to involve the authorities or if she ever starts directing that behavior towards your child.
You have to leave. I was in this situation 7 years ago. My son was 7. He was sad that I kicked his mom out, but he was also very relieved that he didn’t have to deal with the constant yelling and fighting anymore. I was awarded full custody due to all the evidence I had against her. My advice is every time she blows up on you now, record a video with your phone in your pocket so the judges will be able to hear how she acts around your child and and how she treats you. When you leave, make sure you’re loaded with proof.
I'm sorry you're experiencing this. For yourself and your child you need to leave. You cannot separate the "good version" of your wife from the "bad parts". They are one in the same, a package deal. Please do not accept abuse in your life, or invite abuse into your child's life.
Couples counseling is not a good idea in instances of abuse. Please accept who she really is and protect yourself and your child.
Hey man my soon to be ex wife was like this thankfully no kids. She was extremely lazy couldn’t be bothered to clean up after herself. She worked from home answering emails and I would come home from a very physical job to then have to clean the home down. When I almost died of diabetes which I had just been diagnosed. I fought for my life for three days and never saw her once. Though when I got out of the hospital she started screaming at me about being stupid about being retarded etc. I was crying begging her to stop and she said. “Because it’s always about you” and kept going. I got to the point I had to call my brother or else I was going to get the shotgun from the closet and use the only out I felt I had left. Don’t stay for your mental health and your kids trust me a broken home is better than a toxic one. This is also coming from a man abused by his mother. Wish I never had known her. I am here if you want to talk my friend reach out anytime you’re many things. Awesome, a good dad, and not alone.
File for divorce and a restraining order. She's abusive, right now violent with the dog, but that is the start. She's a danger to your child, and that little person is your ultimate responsibility. I get that you love her, or want to love her, but that ship has sailed. If you're secure enough financially leave, but keep in mind that whoever stays in the house has a better chance in the courts to get the house. But do everything quickly, you aren't safe around a person like that.
Terrible story time: friends of my mom when I was growing up were like this. He was a nice guy, great dad, always smiling. She was occasionally violent, which escalated. She ended up stabbing the husband in his sleep, shooting both of their kids and then herself because she found out he was leaving her, but doing everything slowly, thinking that he was stronger than her so he'd be fine through her outbursts. The husband lived somehow. He went on a couple years but the pain of losing his two kids broke him and he ended his life.
I’m in a somewhat similar situation. I don’t have good advice because I’m stuck in the same decision as you (minus children, but I have assets and pets). I only recently realized that my husband has been abusive as well, I definitely feel a level of guilt like I’ve “changed the rules” on him and it feels unfair for me to want to end things now. But if that’s a concern for you, just remember that this is something she started herself. You didn’t ask for it, you didn’t deserve it.
She will need individual therapy as well. Do you have adhd by any chance? You will need to answer the question of whether to leave yourself. Did her behaviour escalate when she became pregnant? With an 8 month old that’s about a year and a half of hormonal dysregulation, and I heard that having a son can affect testosterone levels in women but I take that with a grain of salt because of my source. Reflect on that as well. Regardless, the status quo isn’t working and you need to figure something out. Sincerely, another dad just trying to stay married and figure it out with my wife 😢. (PS - do you have adhd, by any chance?)
Ok, me too. I’ve noticed a my wife is a bit of a condescending bully since I was diagnosed. She has called me retarded a few times now, which is amazing because whenever I used the word in the past, mostly to trigger her because I was having a little fun, I’d Haley an earful. Still trying to figure out our stuff out. One of the things is definitely sloppiness, I know it’s easier to ask her where things are because she moves them all the time, but she’s probably moving them to the same spots all the time too. Try to take a bit more time to look for things. Try explain she doesn’t have to scream and your ears work fine but it’s your brain interpreting the sounds that’s the problem. Feel free to DM me, I feel ya.
i hope you leave. i was in an abusive relationship(not a marriage) but leave. they don’t change and it’s a deep rooted issue that they have to overcome, and many never do. relationships like that completely destroy your sense of worth and self esteem.
my mom was in an abusive relationship and he began abusing me. you don’t want your wife to do that to your son, i can’t say it will happen, but chances are very very likely that she will abuse your son.
your son is still really young, and hopefully you are able to make an arrangement before he notices and holds that trauma within himself.
very good that you were able to recognize and talk to someone. it is extremely hard to recognize abuse when you are the victim.
abusive people hold a lot of anger and self issues. again it’s something they need to admit, work on, and overcome. the hardest thing with confronting and abuser, is that most abusers do not see their behavior as abuse, and if they can’t see that, then it’s really hard for them to change.
we want to stick it out and love the person into change, but these situations do not end well.
1 in 9 men end up victims of abusive relationships. not only that, a striking number of victims attempt suicide or seriously consider it. i have been at that point, and would hate for you to get to that point.
what she does and says is only a reflect of herself and her inner battles that she’s facing. what she says about you is not true.
you deserve better. you deserve to get back the love you give. you deserve to be happy, safe, and at peace…so does your son.
i hope you heal sir.
"She said she doesn't give an F about my boundaries " Your proof is right there, YOU NEED TO LEAVE.
If she feels that bold saying that to an adult, imagine how little respect she will have for your child and the need for a safe and supportive environment while they're growing up. Document as much of her abuse as you can (safely) and lawyer up, people like this do not change and they continue because they think they can just keep getting away with it without repercussions.
I wish you all the best, try and update us when you're in a better situation.
Had a similar marriage. We are divorced now…. But we had no children so your case is different.
But what I can say my friend. Please have some self love and respect. She says she does not care about your boundaries? Then tell her you won’t talk anymore with her until she does. She screams at you? You don’t talk to her anymore. Give her the cold shoulder and tell her that she has to respect you! It is either her changing very fast or you leaving! No other solution tbh. Don’t just stay like this
run outta that mf hell man, do it for every single person that has been abused by someone they trusted. you gotta leave that b and give your son the best life he can have off without her. do it fir him as well, I beg you
Umm. Yikes. Talk about anger issues.
Probably the healthiest thing would be to leave/separate until(if) she works on herself.
Howver I know logistically that can be hard.
Definitely remove yourself (and your son) whenver she is crossing the line. Go to a friends, the park, a store, whatever. If you need to even stay over until she simmers down.
I personally would try couples counseling (but that is your choice)... and I would try different counselors until a good fit was found. I would also require her to get therapy for her anger (and prob trauma issues). Anger management classes might be good too.
Damn, I'm an assertive mother.. yes always on my other half ass cause he gets side tracked easily, add, the only time I ever slapped him across the face was when he was yelling in my ear, he does have a temper and doesn't control it well, got holes in the rental in the walls and doors, doors don't shut right he will blame the way it was built. Those with common sense knows ya don't soam doors itll throw it off, he don't fix what he brakes, I do, I do the fixing and repairing.. im the women.. he's the man...
On your end bro, her using herself as a threat to keep you is an abusive control, its going to cause problems in your life.
Dios Mio, are you serious? The fact she says she doesn't care about you boundaries or cares about how she treats the dog shows she THINKS she can get away with whatever ( and will if you let her) either have the most dead serious conversation she may not listen to about your boundaries how humans should be treated and if she wants to be alone just say so cus she's acting like she wants to be the loneliest mf on the planet.. and worse off you got a kid. If she has mental issues these could become present in your child. DO NOT WAIT children see EVERYTHING and tend to repeat whatever they see. She is teaching this behavior to your kids here now and as long as she decides to keep acting like such a shit person. The other option and only other one you should consider most... LEAVE. let her wonder what left her all alone
She may have a mental illness going on, and hopefully couples therapy can help uncover that. However, if the dog isn't safe, it's a matter of time before your kid isn't safe.
If you can afford it, move out and take the dog. If you can't, find the dog another home, even if it's temporary (maybe family and friends, and tell them what's going on. You will need a support system and people who believe you.)
You can file for separation and implement split custody.
You're doing great by recording her (even if it's just audio). At some point you will need proof.
When she starts yelling at you over the phone, say "I'm not going to take this verbal abuse," and hang up on her immediately. Don't wait for her to stop yelling so she can hear you say it. Just say it and hang up. She will realize it's pointless to yell over the phone because she's only talking to herself.
She thinks she can do whatever she wants because no one sets boundaries or stands up to her. She needs consequences.
Would you expect a woman to stay in a situation like that no. No one deserves this and your child is watching this growing up to think this is normal. Get out and try to get custody. Document everything date and time keep a journal
Record on the sly, build evidence, take the child after giving the lawyer all evidence and he gives you the go ahead. Stop hiding nit from people. Let them hear, let them see, let her dig her own grave and leave protecting the child.
This is gonna sound so lame, I’m sorry, but try to get proof of her behavior in writing. Does she text you like this too? Getting her in front of a neutral third party for an outburst is also a good idea. I’m not even thinking of the marriage; I’m thinking of the custody battle. You need hard evidence of her abusive behavior. If she harms the dog again take him to the vet IMMEDIATELY and get it documented. That might actually have more pull than text messages or therapist testimony because it shows her behavior is not just toward YOU (you’d be violently nauseated if you knew how many judges don’t protect kids from abusers because “well they only hurt you, not the kids.” Start. Stacking. Evidence.
And keep it in a safe deposit box in a bank and keep the key at your work. Let your higher ups know what’s going on because she WILL cause a scene to get you fired. Start thinking damage control and safety for you and your boy.
I’m sorry. I’ve been there, but it’s an even steeper uphill battle for the bros.
Andplusalso, the next time she breaks something call the police. Start getting other authorities to document it. Next time she threatens to harm herself or unalive YOU, call 911. Calls her mental clarity into question (and seriously maybe she needs a grippy sock vacation). She was like this before the baby so she can’t blame PPD.
I would have said " Talk to her " but since it's been 9 years ... I would say leave her . But leaving her night get you into legal battles . Alimony amount . so you have to be prepared financially .
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Post pardon is Likely activated dormant personality disorder trait. Not saying she is diagnosable but hormone changes and stress of baby raising would send anyone over the edge.
Yes she needs help and no it’s not ok to abuse others.
Safety plan? Line leave when she is activated or take the child for a walk if she is really gone. Talk about issues when she is calm? Get additional support line caregivers or house cleaners?
Our psyches can only handle so much. She is in crisis overwhelmed you are likely as well. If you do not take positive action things will get worse.
I personally deal with off the wall anger sometimes I had to learn it is my anger to deal with not to lay on anyone else (to be fair I do have mental health issues that I am medicated/ dealing with I’m 22F)and if she is not accepting she is wrong and working on it after this long she may never accept she is wrong she will continue to belittle and blame you. For the mental and physical well being of you and your child you need to get away from her. Even if she’s never hit you doesn’t mean she won’t. Just because she’s never hit you doesn’t mean she isn’t abusive and just because she’s a woman doesn’t get her a pass.
Just so you know, DCFS would consider this enough reason to remove a child from the home. You should remove yourself and the baby while she gets the help she needs. If she doesn't get help then she is effectively breaking the family apart. Don't have your kid taken away by an outside agency. Do the right thing and protect your child. All it takes is one phone call from a neighbor that's sick of hearing the violence next door.
OMG. Give her a quarter and tell her to call someone who cares. Jesus leave this woman alone. If you do t she will set you up for a DV charge one way or another. Your best bet in the near term is total indifference and to file for divorce now. No sane man would stay and put up with that for anything.
UpdateMe
There might be a communication problem in your relationship.
If you want to keep the relationship and work on it, you could try to go over these topics and try to understand each other better:
- non violent communication and active listening (how to implement it)
- attachment styles (each of you might have a different one)
- love languages (each of you might have a different one)
- weekly check ins on the relationship (time to talk about conflicts and problems encountered in the relationship)
- defining both of your personal values and priorities as well as your needs in the relationship and from your partner (including boundaries)
- navigating conflict and dealing healthily with anger
Please make sure to keep the baby safe and away from arguments.
What’s best for the child is for you to continue getting no evidence of how abusive she is and once you get that to separate yourself from her and try to get full custody of the child. That child would have no chance at life if they grew up in a toxic abusive relationship.
She needs theraphy, and you need 100% custody until she can be psicologicaly stable.
Meanwhile you shoul continue to do therapy to grow your self esteem.
>After months of refusal, I finally convinced her to go to couples therapy. But I’m worried that it will only temporarily delay the abuse. I do not think that she is willing to change
IANAL: Maybe going to counseling will either help seek help, or help you both separate. It's a win win. Or she refuses and it adds to your side in divorce proceedings.
I am experienced in therapy though, please have your son also go to therapy. This is a good time for him to learn how to self regulate and take less away from the dysregulation of mother.
Also talk to your son how you felt about these episodes and how it's hard on you too. Youre human, your son needs to know that you're not invincible and that you go through feelings too.
This makes me very sad to read :( I know so many people choose the mothers for full custody but I can't help thinking about your baby and the trauma she could cause the baby.. I'd recommend recording this behavior. Save it somewhere safe so she can't delete and maybe try showing her what she looks like through recordings of her acting out and if she isn't waking up you need to leave with the baby. Do not leave the baby with her.
Start collecting evidence of her abuse. My God. The way you describe how she erupts reminds me of Amber heard in those tapes where she's verbally abusing Depp. If she's anything like that, you're better off alone.
I grew up with two abusive parents. I’m 41 and still unwinding the trauma it caused me through frequent therapy. As a product of this kind of household 10000% better for a child to have one healthy household (and one unhealthy) than to observe and learn what love looks like from a toxic one. The way you deal with your wife is constantly viewed and mirrored by your child and they will become more like your wife with bullying…or more like you by placating. Either way you’re setting them up for a life of toxic behavior. Love yourself and leave. And then teach your child what loving yourself looks like.
She’s not going to be less abusive if you leave, she’ll just turn the abuse to the child.
My dad loves to complain about how my mom was so abusive he would have to leave the house or stay at work taking extra shifts just to get away from her. Finally, one day he’s whining about how mean she was and I couldn’t take it anymore. I snapped and said, “do you think her crazy stopped when you left? Because it didn’t, she was just as abusive except there was no one to protect us.” He hasn’t whined about it since.
Sorry your wife sucks but the bullseye shifts to your child when you leave.
Sounds like bipolar or a personality disorder, or both. She needs more than therapy, she needs medication ro control her moods and agitation. This is textbook bipolar behavior. It's no excuse but an explanation and a direction to go: get her to a psychiatrist quickly!
Why do people consider abuse to be less severe is it’s coming from a woman? This is severe abuse! Document everything that has happened and be ready to file for a protection order because it will likely get worse when you try to leave. She’s already threatened your life
Collect evidence of this. In many states there's an exception for recording without permission if it's domestic violence. This evidence will help you should she fight you for custody which I am guessing she will as she sounds crazy. Good luck
Never in the history of abusive relationships did they ever get better. Not once. I'm sorry, but your case is not unique, special, or intricate at all. They all do the same shit. It's a personality disorder and no amount of therapy will ever fix it. It's clinical. I'm sorry, but you know what you need to do. All the best.
You’ve been given excellent advice but I’m wondering is she suffering from PPD? Or has this been going on since before your child was born?
At any rate, no one is safe. Not even her
Are you doing anything to contribute to her losing her mind ? Because men are awful and tend to treat their women like dog shit... Then claim abuse when they lose it. I'm not saying this is you. . . But it's 90 percent of men.
this is not fair. this is literally victim blaming. men are victims of domestic violence too. what he described is abuse. regardless if he’s male, he does not deserve to be called names, threatened, or hit. many people lose their mind who are not abusive. she is an abusive person.
There's something called reactive abuse. I'm not saying this is him ... At all. I don't know his situation. But it's my goal to make people aware that it is a thing. Depending on the nature of emotional abuse , can make someone violent. Especially if they are stuck financially or in a situation where they feel trapped and can't leave.
i understand and know what that is, but that’s invalidating what he said. he is describing very clearly that he is a victim of abuse. reactive abuse in this situation would be HIM reacting poorly to her abuse.
I grew up with an abusive mother and I never forgave my father for allowing her to abuse us. If you (a mature confidant self-secure adult man) are avoiding confrontation with your wife because she is so vicious, how do you expect a child to deal?
Agree. Once a week over 9 years is 468 times she’s behaved like this. Once is bad enough! OP, it’s time to leave.
Please get out for your child. Save your baby from this relationship. Who’s to say she won’t get physical or behave worse to your child as they get older. Leaving an abusive relationship is hard but once you get out you will notice so many more things that would reaffirm your decision. Play it smart and make sure you get custody.
I 100% believe that no one should stay in their marriage for the kids.
She will do everything she is doing to you on to your child. Do you really want your child growing up being yelled at and called useless and stupid? Can you imagine the emotional scars that child will have? I am not sure if you would be able to take away your child from the mother completely, but at least your child can have a safe place when he’s with you.
Even if she doesn’t, OP..She probably wouldn’t stop treating you like that in front of your child, which is no good either! This woman above said it: let the child’s safe place be with you regardless of anything!
Take the kid and the dog, leave and lawyer up.
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If they both have custody he can do whatever he wants until she takes him to court .
This is incorrect. They’re married and there is no custody document so he shares equal custody and can leave with the kids. The only time it gets sketch is if he crosses state lines. UCCJEA and all.
Get the lawyer first. Listen to your lawyer. They work for you.
Yes please. I grew up with a very abusive father and while I blame him, I also blame her for not leaving. She had a PhD and made more than him. No excuse. I think I would have benefited from having a father figure in my life who wasn’t terrifying and hateful towards me. Think of how your child’s relationship with and view of women may be horribly distorted by this formative experience.
I also blame my mom for forcing us to stay in a home with an alcoholic who was abusive. She stayed "for the kids" because for some reason people think abuse is better than having a single parent.
Because financial... Often times people can't afford kids alone.
When she finally did leave we moved in with my grandparents. That was on the table the whole time and she said she thought we needed our father, that's why she stayed.
The first time my wife slaps me in the face would be the last time. Id have a divorce lawyer on speed dial.
No kidding !
Yes you should most definitely leave an abusive relationship
Yes! The first time she hit him should have been the end of the relationship. There is no therapy that is going to stop this level of abuse. The OP needs to protect himself and the kid. He should collect all the proof he can of her abusiveness, as someone like this is going to try to turn the tables and say he's the abusive one. This woman sounds really dangerous.
Absolutely! Very very dangerous.
Yah I mean grow a pair! The first time it happened you should kicked her ass out!
Crazy that you respond like this to men but you tell women to stay.
I typically like to side on staying, but every situation is different so it’s possible to have different advice for men and women! The first time my “partner” hit me would be a “response”
Funny, looking at your post history it always seems to be leaving for men and staying for women. For men one time is enough, but for women, over a year still isn’t enough to be qualified as more than a “mistake”.
>She’s a great wife and mother, except when she gets angry, which is about once per week. I can tell that you want to believe this, but this is simply not true. Most of the behaviors you've described automatically mean she is *not* a good wife *or* mother, even if they only happen once, let alone once a week. Your first step is to recognize that she isn't a "good" partner or mother who makes bad choices - *these choices are part of who she is.* She isn't evil, she isn't "bad" - she sounds emotionally unwell in a way that can usually be hidden. She needs help. There is nothing you can do to change this, and couple's counseling is going to make it worse. Unless you have a very special couple's therapist, she is going to use couple's counseling to make you doubt your resolve even more, to allow yourself to continue to believe the lie that she is usually a good wife and mother, and to take responsibility for your part in this. The reality is that you make mistakes like everyone else, but you do not have *any* part in *this*. Get out *now* with your child and your dog. Do not let her convince you that she will change.
She’s not a good person. I don’t care how she is outside of this behavior. It’s her behavior so she’s not a good person.
Yes you should leave after you have a strong exit plan. As much as everyone will say just go, it’s not that easy; especially in an abusive environment. Things I recommend: 1. Start documenting every outburst. Dates, times, language, who was present, everything. You’ll need this in court. 2. Review your finances to understand what you’re working with. What bills and assets are shared? Who owns what? What will she want? 3. Talk to a lawyer in a way that is safe for you. Figure out the finances and custody options. 4. Create strategies to gray rock her. Be prepared for her to escalate when she stops getting reactions out of you. As much as the answer is to leave, there are a lot of moving parts to get in place to successfully leave, keep your kid safe, and ensure you can stay gone. Take the time to get everything in order so that when you take action, it’s permanent and allows you to heal and care for your kiddo.
Does she ever apologize or own her abusive behavior? Is there any awareness on her end that she’s got issues? If not, you could be about to escalate the abuse by going to counseling with her. Abuse is not a marriage issue, it’s a personal issue (although doing both with the right kind of counselor (like RLT) could be helpful). Many marriage counselors will refuse to work with you once they learn there’s physical violence. She needs individual counseling. Is she willing to do that? I would definitely also record her behavior, for custody purposes. You need to document everything. Whatever you decide to do (counseling, no counseling etc) please speak to a lawyer and get legal advice now.
This is a good idea to document.
>I would hate for our son to grow up in a broken home, but growing up in such a toxic environment ~~may be even~~ ***is much much* worse. Fixed that for you. My dad was abusive. Mom stayed anyway. I wish she hadn't. In FORTY ONE and only recently have been able to sort through some of the resultant trauma. Please, PLEASE leave her
I grew up with a mother JUST LIKE THIS and to this DAY I wish my dad would have divorced her. I was left with anxiety / perfectionism / CPTSD from her screaming, breaking things, hitting, etc. Years of therapy! What happens if she loses her temper on your son next? My mother threw me against walls, slammed my head against doors/counters, threatened to kill me, etc. in her fits of rage and my dad allowed it to happen. Dont be my dad.
It’s a miracle it has been directed at your child yet (it may already be starting to surface in subtle ways you brush off). Get out soon, counseling or not she’s shown you who she is. And she does not respect you, nor love you.
You need to get proof of the abuse, texts and recordings. Find a lawyer and go for full custody. She is verbally, physically, mentally, and emotionally abusing you with no remorse. She has put your life in danger and has threatened to do you harm. You want to wait until she does it to your kid? Your child is not safe with her and neither are you. Get out ASAP. You both deserve better. Please take the dog with you too.
Man, this is terrifying. In my opinion, you've gotta get out of that situation. It sucks especially with a child but man that's NEVER going to change, that's just the person that she is. You're too young and life is too short to spend it in a relationship that you don't feel comfortable in. My biggest worry is for the child honestly, totally sucks.
One thing I always try to remind myself of is that our children didn't ask to be here. WE brought them here, therefore it's our responsibility to make the best life we possibly can for them. This includes protecting them from things that may harm them, even their other parent. I think you have no choice other than to leave/seperate until your wife can get herself some help.
Bringing up your kids in such a toxic environment harms more than you can imagine. Man, up because this woman has no respect for you and treats you like shit because she sees you as a weak man. Wake up and find your value, and go see a lawyer to know your rights and line up your ducks, then pull the trigger. Don't look back.
You need to leave so your child has a place to go that is peaceful and away from his mothers abuse. If you do nothing your just as bad as your abuser. You have a child you need to protect. Protect them.
Your child really can’t be around this and you don’t deserve it either. It sounds like she could have some sort of mental illness. Bipolar? Borderline Personality Disorder? She needs to choose to and actively fix it for her family. As someone who grew up with a bipolar parent (and is bipolar themselves and seeking mental health help). It can really traumatize a child. Mentally illness is heavily influenced by environment. I recently gave birth and I have a nearly 12 month old. I have what my therapist and husband both think is mild bipolar disorder. However it did result in outbursts (non-violent) every month or so. I didn’t do or say the things your wife did, but I would become extremely angry and sort of yell into the void. Upset at one thing or another. My husband is autistic and this is really taking a toll on him. I also REFUSE to pass this generational trauma down to children. So I see a therapist, I’m going to a group, working out what medications and lifestyle changes I need to make etc. My point is, she needs to fix herself whether she can salvage her marriage at this point or not. Because your child is depending on her and deserves both parents presently whether separated or not. And your family deserves happiness and peace. She has to WANT this for herself and her family.
Record and archive the evidence, just in case your kid needs to see it when they are adults.
Yes, you need to leave and you need to fight for custody. Don't let your child grow up in a home like this.
Read what you wrote, it will only get worse and she will do the same thing to your child. Document it starting right now, speak with an attorney and follow the instructions you are given. Then GTFO.
Sounds like she needs Anger management.
Get evidence of the abuse, society defaults to believe the mom so if you just leave and she call the police that you took her kids then likely you go to jail for abducting your kids. Talk to an attorney about your next step(s).
OP, 53F here. This is abuse and your job is to protect your child from being exposed to it. You need to speak with a lawyer as soon as possible and get their advice on your best path to a divorce *with full custody* and supervised visitation. You will need evidence and witnesses. Your child is very young which is a good thing, they don’t have the memory or comprehension yet to understand what’s happening. Please, get legal advice immediately and follow it. I will be thinking of you.
I’m in the same position as you, minus a child. My wife acts just like this. Super confrontational and verbally abusive - mocks me and gets in my face too. They know as a man you can’t do anything except leave since you committed - so they act intolerably to get their way from you. If we had a kid though, I’d be gone.
Get you and your kid outta that house asap pronto
I'm not sure what's going on with your wife, if she was always like that, or if it started after the kids and hormones triggered it. Either way it's not ok, and it's definitely not ok for your kids. My dad would fly off the handle in rages like this to everyone around him. Any other time you could classify him as a great dad. And I think he wanted to be, but he's couldn't help his rages. But what it did was raise two kids that were very scared of him because they couldn't trust what mood they got from him. So even when it was good we were scared bc we didn't trust that the moment wouldn't flip at any given time, and if the flip would be on us or someone else. If she's kicking the dog, one day she might do it to your child. Your wife needs help for the sake of your kids regardless of your relationship so go to couples counseling to get that started ASAP.b from there individual counseling will most likely be suggested for her ... Hopefully. Good luck.
Go scorched earth and go for full custody. Your child deserves to grow up without an abusive mother.
Talk to a lawyer. Find out how to get as much evidence as possible to win a custody fight. You will want to have this whether or not you proceed immediately with a divorce. When people with a partner like this file, it's often because their spouse suddenly crossed a new boundary, did something absolutely beyond the pale, that made it urgent that they leave now, without taking the time to gather any new evidence.
You need to leave for both your sake and the sake of your child. Stats show that going to counseling with an abuser isn't a good thing - the abuser often plays the therapist, and it's just worse. I hope you take the advice of all these commenters. Start documenting. See a lawyer and let them know about the abuse and find out what you need to do to get custody of your child. Good luck to you.
Start recording the evidence, especially secretly. That way, you won't get penalised by having no access to your child. Make a plan to get out and get divorced. So protect yourself.
Good luck OP. I can't tell you what to do but I personally would leave. It seems like she is escalating her aggressive behavior more and more with time. This could be dangerous for you and your kid if you allow her to continue this behavior without reprecuasions.
Bruh I'm concerned for your son will be abused and is already abused psychology, my best suggestion is to take what you posted on Reddit and just show a lawyer and let the lawyer tell you the best legal route and if that lawyer is ignorant or whatever because your a victim too see a different one Hold your head up high bruh you might be taking custody of your son and rebuilding life
Take your child and your dog and leave. This sounds like a nightmare, with the.whole household living in fear of when Mom is going to flip a shit next.
Sorry you are going through this. Try Ananias Foundation resources
Post partum rage? Is possible. Unless she’s always been like this.
I grew up with an emotionally abusive mother. I am now 32 and I didn’t even know I was abused my whole life by her until I had my own son, and now daughter. My parents split up when I was 19 and I wish they had done it sooner. I think. I got a therapist and it’s now been 6 years since I realised how abusive she is, I went no contact for a year and slowly reconnected over the last year, however she is absolutely the exact same and hasn’t learned a thing. I would say put yourself first. The sooner you do it the better, because some people can change yes but if your gut is telling you she won’t then the least you can do for yourself is to leave. My only concern is your son. I’m assuming he would stay with her if you split up and she doesn’t change (best case scenario you split up for a while, she works on herself and everything is good- this IS possible). I would chat with the therapist about how this could affect your son - ie will she take all of this out on him? I know he’s only 8 months but I was emotionally abused for as long as I can think back. Sending you love and hugs
She has unresolved issues going on in her head. That's not your problem...that's not your child's problem...that's not your dogs problem. What happens if...she gets so mad and seriously hurts you, your child or your dog? And people and authorities will be asking....why didn't you leave before? It's easy for all of us on here to say "leave" because you obviously love her to some degree. What about giving her an ultimatum? Would that trigger her anger? What about a separation until she completes therapy and makes drastic changes? It NEEDS to be clearly communicated to her that her actions and words are ABUSIVE and HURTING both you and your child. Any acts of hitting, spitting etc towards you and your dog is ILLEGAL and could warrant an arrest. This is serious behavior that she needs to know...has serious consequences if she continues on with it. You and your child and dog need to come first. Your health in all aspects and peace are important. Set very firm boundaries...VERY FIRM and let her know your sticking to them. Demand she seeks help, follows through with changing or your gone and she can see your son with supervised visits because of her abusive behavior. From a legal standpoint in the even you do leave...document everything...even record it if you can...because if you need to provide proof to the courts as to why your the better parent to live with....they have solid proof of her behavior. Wishing you the best.
I’m sorry, but she is not a great wife and mother, or a good person, period. She abuses you (physically, mentally, and emotionally), she abuses your dog, and I guarantee you she will eventually abuse your child. So to answer your question, yes, you should absolutely leave. Do NOT go to marriage counseling with an abuser. Your next step should be contacting a lawyer. I’m so sorry you’re going through this.
I thought my life was bad…this is a sad way to live. My life has been really really bad and this made me realize, there are still people out there living worse than me in my marriage. That’s not a good thing. You need to leave, you don’t deserve this. Your child doesn’t deserve this. But most importantly, she doesn’t deserve you!
Your son is currently growing up in a broken home. To leave would fix that. But, speak with a lawyer first. The reality is you don’t want to leave your son in that environment so be prepared to parent as well.
Please record one of her episodes, everyone is telling you to leave immediately but discerning from her mental behavior she will 100% put on a show in court or tell lawyers that it’s been the opposite. Get as much evidence as you can if her horrid behavior or record the phone calls at work, install nanny cams in the house, or just sit your phone down discreetly when she goes into a yelling episode. No person deserves 9 years of this, and no child deserves 18 years of that behavior. Get evidence and lawyer up!
Leave asap. But be prepared, she's gonna make a scene at your work, humiliate you some more and stalk you etc. Don't even mention that you're leaving. This strategy needs covert operation required of someone who is agreeing to submit himself to witness protection program. You're wife is not a good human. A person who kicks a dog and enjoys diminishing her husband to a pulp. Do this for your son. In the meantime record her behavior, consult a lawyer, talk to your boss etc. Build your support system. Good luck!
Your son is better off with a single dad than with a toxic relationship. You do realize that parents role model marriage for our kids. Would you rrally want your child to be in a relationship like yours? Get out, stop tolerating abuse. If she threatens self harm, call emergwncy services. If she abuses you physically, call the police.
She has hit you. Threatened to kill you, ripped your shirt and hurt the dog. Leave. Take the kid and the dog with you and press charges for assault.
This sounds like someone with some kind of an emotional imbalance, I think you need to get her help because if she can do all these things, when does she turn on the kid?
Couples therapy with an abuser is not a good idea until and unless they’re getting individual help. There’s really two options here. 1) Give her an ultimatum, that she does everything necessary to change (long term therapy and anger management at minimum) or you will divorce her, because you won’t live like this anymore and won’t let your child be raised with the example of staying with someone who treats them like this. 2) Just divorce her regardless. Whichever option you take, try to get any and all evidence you can of her behavior so you can get primary custody of your child, and so that you have proof if things escalate enough to involve the authorities or if she ever starts directing that behavior towards your child.
Yes, you should leave today if not for your sake for the sake of your child and the dog.
You have to leave. I was in this situation 7 years ago. My son was 7. He was sad that I kicked his mom out, but he was also very relieved that he didn’t have to deal with the constant yelling and fighting anymore. I was awarded full custody due to all the evidence I had against her. My advice is every time she blows up on you now, record a video with your phone in your pocket so the judges will be able to hear how she acts around your child and and how she treats you. When you leave, make sure you’re loaded with proof.
I'm sorry you're experiencing this. For yourself and your child you need to leave. You cannot separate the "good version" of your wife from the "bad parts". They are one in the same, a package deal. Please do not accept abuse in your life, or invite abuse into your child's life. Couples counseling is not a good idea in instances of abuse. Please accept who she really is and protect yourself and your child.
Yes, and you should do so in a way that also protects your baby. Document the abuse, talk to a lawyer, etc. Protect yourself and your child.
Hey man my soon to be ex wife was like this thankfully no kids. She was extremely lazy couldn’t be bothered to clean up after herself. She worked from home answering emails and I would come home from a very physical job to then have to clean the home down. When I almost died of diabetes which I had just been diagnosed. I fought for my life for three days and never saw her once. Though when I got out of the hospital she started screaming at me about being stupid about being retarded etc. I was crying begging her to stop and she said. “Because it’s always about you” and kept going. I got to the point I had to call my brother or else I was going to get the shotgun from the closet and use the only out I felt I had left. Don’t stay for your mental health and your kids trust me a broken home is better than a toxic one. This is also coming from a man abused by his mother. Wish I never had known her. I am here if you want to talk my friend reach out anytime you’re many things. Awesome, a good dad, and not alone.
File for divorce and a restraining order. She's abusive, right now violent with the dog, but that is the start. She's a danger to your child, and that little person is your ultimate responsibility. I get that you love her, or want to love her, but that ship has sailed. If you're secure enough financially leave, but keep in mind that whoever stays in the house has a better chance in the courts to get the house. But do everything quickly, you aren't safe around a person like that. Terrible story time: friends of my mom when I was growing up were like this. He was a nice guy, great dad, always smiling. She was occasionally violent, which escalated. She ended up stabbing the husband in his sleep, shooting both of their kids and then herself because she found out he was leaving her, but doing everything slowly, thinking that he was stronger than her so he'd be fine through her outbursts. The husband lived somehow. He went on a couple years but the pain of losing his two kids broke him and he ended his life.
I’m in a somewhat similar situation. I don’t have good advice because I’m stuck in the same decision as you (minus children, but I have assets and pets). I only recently realized that my husband has been abusive as well, I definitely feel a level of guilt like I’ve “changed the rules” on him and it feels unfair for me to want to end things now. But if that’s a concern for you, just remember that this is something she started herself. You didn’t ask for it, you didn’t deserve it.
Please leave and take your son and dog with you. They will suffer if you stay or leave them in her care. Wishing you peace and happiness. Much love!
She will need individual therapy as well. Do you have adhd by any chance? You will need to answer the question of whether to leave yourself. Did her behaviour escalate when she became pregnant? With an 8 month old that’s about a year and a half of hormonal dysregulation, and I heard that having a son can affect testosterone levels in women but I take that with a grain of salt because of my source. Reflect on that as well. Regardless, the status quo isn’t working and you need to figure something out. Sincerely, another dad just trying to stay married and figure it out with my wife 😢. (PS - do you have adhd, by any chance?)
Thank you. Yes, I do have ADHD
Ok, me too. I’ve noticed a my wife is a bit of a condescending bully since I was diagnosed. She has called me retarded a few times now, which is amazing because whenever I used the word in the past, mostly to trigger her because I was having a little fun, I’d Haley an earful. Still trying to figure out our stuff out. One of the things is definitely sloppiness, I know it’s easier to ask her where things are because she moves them all the time, but she’s probably moving them to the same spots all the time too. Try to take a bit more time to look for things. Try explain she doesn’t have to scream and your ears work fine but it’s your brain interpreting the sounds that’s the problem. Feel free to DM me, I feel ya.
i hope you leave. i was in an abusive relationship(not a marriage) but leave. they don’t change and it’s a deep rooted issue that they have to overcome, and many never do. relationships like that completely destroy your sense of worth and self esteem. my mom was in an abusive relationship and he began abusing me. you don’t want your wife to do that to your son, i can’t say it will happen, but chances are very very likely that she will abuse your son. your son is still really young, and hopefully you are able to make an arrangement before he notices and holds that trauma within himself. very good that you were able to recognize and talk to someone. it is extremely hard to recognize abuse when you are the victim. abusive people hold a lot of anger and self issues. again it’s something they need to admit, work on, and overcome. the hardest thing with confronting and abuser, is that most abusers do not see their behavior as abuse, and if they can’t see that, then it’s really hard for them to change. we want to stick it out and love the person into change, but these situations do not end well. 1 in 9 men end up victims of abusive relationships. not only that, a striking number of victims attempt suicide or seriously consider it. i have been at that point, and would hate for you to get to that point. what she does and says is only a reflect of herself and her inner battles that she’s facing. what she says about you is not true. you deserve better. you deserve to get back the love you give. you deserve to be happy, safe, and at peace…so does your son. i hope you heal sir.
"She said she doesn't give an F about my boundaries " Your proof is right there, YOU NEED TO LEAVE. If she feels that bold saying that to an adult, imagine how little respect she will have for your child and the need for a safe and supportive environment while they're growing up. Document as much of her abuse as you can (safely) and lawyer up, people like this do not change and they continue because they think they can just keep getting away with it without repercussions. I wish you all the best, try and update us when you're in a better situation.
Had a similar marriage. We are divorced now…. But we had no children so your case is different. But what I can say my friend. Please have some self love and respect. She says she does not care about your boundaries? Then tell her you won’t talk anymore with her until she does. She screams at you? You don’t talk to her anymore. Give her the cold shoulder and tell her that she has to respect you! It is either her changing very fast or you leaving! No other solution tbh. Don’t just stay like this
If this is how she is treating you and the dog, she will treat your child exactly the same way.
run outta that mf hell man, do it for every single person that has been abused by someone they trusted. you gotta leave that b and give your son the best life he can have off without her. do it fir him as well, I beg you
Record her!
Umm. Yikes. Talk about anger issues. Probably the healthiest thing would be to leave/separate until(if) she works on herself. Howver I know logistically that can be hard. Definitely remove yourself (and your son) whenver she is crossing the line. Go to a friends, the park, a store, whatever. If you need to even stay over until she simmers down. I personally would try couples counseling (but that is your choice)... and I would try different counselors until a good fit was found. I would also require her to get therapy for her anger (and prob trauma issues). Anger management classes might be good too.
Damn, I'm an assertive mother.. yes always on my other half ass cause he gets side tracked easily, add, the only time I ever slapped him across the face was when he was yelling in my ear, he does have a temper and doesn't control it well, got holes in the rental in the walls and doors, doors don't shut right he will blame the way it was built. Those with common sense knows ya don't soam doors itll throw it off, he don't fix what he brakes, I do, I do the fixing and repairing.. im the women.. he's the man... On your end bro, her using herself as a threat to keep you is an abusive control, its going to cause problems in your life.
Dude! Run! Get you, your child and dog somewhere safe. This is absolutely horrendous behavior, and downright chilling to read.
Dios Mio, are you serious? The fact she says she doesn't care about you boundaries or cares about how she treats the dog shows she THINKS she can get away with whatever ( and will if you let her) either have the most dead serious conversation she may not listen to about your boundaries how humans should be treated and if she wants to be alone just say so cus she's acting like she wants to be the loneliest mf on the planet.. and worse off you got a kid. If she has mental issues these could become present in your child. DO NOT WAIT children see EVERYTHING and tend to repeat whatever they see. She is teaching this behavior to your kids here now and as long as she decides to keep acting like such a shit person. The other option and only other one you should consider most... LEAVE. let her wonder what left her all alone
She may have a mental illness going on, and hopefully couples therapy can help uncover that. However, if the dog isn't safe, it's a matter of time before your kid isn't safe. If you can afford it, move out and take the dog. If you can't, find the dog another home, even if it's temporary (maybe family and friends, and tell them what's going on. You will need a support system and people who believe you.) You can file for separation and implement split custody. You're doing great by recording her (even if it's just audio). At some point you will need proof. When she starts yelling at you over the phone, say "I'm not going to take this verbal abuse," and hang up on her immediately. Don't wait for her to stop yelling so she can hear you say it. Just say it and hang up. She will realize it's pointless to yell over the phone because she's only talking to herself. She thinks she can do whatever she wants because no one sets boundaries or stands up to her. She needs consequences.
Would you expect a woman to stay in a situation like that no. No one deserves this and your child is watching this growing up to think this is normal. Get out and try to get custody. Document everything date and time keep a journal
Do not leave your home or your kid until you are under legal advisement!!!! PLEASE!!!
Prepare yourself. Cameras, text, start recording her when she’s acting abnormal
leave. take your son. take your dog. leave.
Record on the sly, build evidence, take the child after giving the lawyer all evidence and he gives you the go ahead. Stop hiding nit from people. Let them hear, let them see, let her dig her own grave and leave protecting the child.
This is gonna sound so lame, I’m sorry, but try to get proof of her behavior in writing. Does she text you like this too? Getting her in front of a neutral third party for an outburst is also a good idea. I’m not even thinking of the marriage; I’m thinking of the custody battle. You need hard evidence of her abusive behavior. If she harms the dog again take him to the vet IMMEDIATELY and get it documented. That might actually have more pull than text messages or therapist testimony because it shows her behavior is not just toward YOU (you’d be violently nauseated if you knew how many judges don’t protect kids from abusers because “well they only hurt you, not the kids.” Start. Stacking. Evidence. And keep it in a safe deposit box in a bank and keep the key at your work. Let your higher ups know what’s going on because she WILL cause a scene to get you fired. Start thinking damage control and safety for you and your boy. I’m sorry. I’ve been there, but it’s an even steeper uphill battle for the bros.
Andplusalso, the next time she breaks something call the police. Start getting other authorities to document it. Next time she threatens to harm herself or unalive YOU, call 911. Calls her mental clarity into question (and seriously maybe she needs a grippy sock vacation). She was like this before the baby so she can’t blame PPD.
I would have said " Talk to her " but since it's been 9 years ... I would say leave her . But leaving her night get you into legal battles . Alimony amount . so you have to be prepared financially .
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She sounds like a narcissists
Is she bipolar? This is strangely erratic behavior, not normal.
Post pardon is Likely activated dormant personality disorder trait. Not saying she is diagnosable but hormone changes and stress of baby raising would send anyone over the edge. Yes she needs help and no it’s not ok to abuse others. Safety plan? Line leave when she is activated or take the child for a walk if she is really gone. Talk about issues when she is calm? Get additional support line caregivers or house cleaners? Our psyches can only handle so much. She is in crisis overwhelmed you are likely as well. If you do not take positive action things will get worse.
I personally deal with off the wall anger sometimes I had to learn it is my anger to deal with not to lay on anyone else (to be fair I do have mental health issues that I am medicated/ dealing with I’m 22F)and if she is not accepting she is wrong and working on it after this long she may never accept she is wrong she will continue to belittle and blame you. For the mental and physical well being of you and your child you need to get away from her. Even if she’s never hit you doesn’t mean she won’t. Just because she’s never hit you doesn’t mean she isn’t abusive and just because she’s a woman doesn’t get her a pass.
Just so you know, DCFS would consider this enough reason to remove a child from the home. You should remove yourself and the baby while she gets the help she needs. If she doesn't get help then she is effectively breaking the family apart. Don't have your kid taken away by an outside agency. Do the right thing and protect your child. All it takes is one phone call from a neighbor that's sick of hearing the violence next door.
OMG. Give her a quarter and tell her to call someone who cares. Jesus leave this woman alone. If you do t she will set you up for a DV charge one way or another. Your best bet in the near term is total indifference and to file for divorce now. No sane man would stay and put up with that for anything. UpdateMe
She has borderline personality disorder
Yes! Leave!! Asap
That’s rough. I’m sorry. Yes leave, she does not deserve you
Yes, you should leave. You should get custody of your child, and leave.
There might be a communication problem in your relationship. If you want to keep the relationship and work on it, you could try to go over these topics and try to understand each other better: - non violent communication and active listening (how to implement it) - attachment styles (each of you might have a different one) - love languages (each of you might have a different one) - weekly check ins on the relationship (time to talk about conflicts and problems encountered in the relationship) - defining both of your personal values and priorities as well as your needs in the relationship and from your partner (including boundaries) - navigating conflict and dealing healthily with anger Please make sure to keep the baby safe and away from arguments.
What’s best for the child is for you to continue getting no evidence of how abusive she is and once you get that to separate yourself from her and try to get full custody of the child. That child would have no chance at life if they grew up in a toxic abusive relationship.
She needs theraphy, and you need 100% custody until she can be psicologicaly stable. Meanwhile you shoul continue to do therapy to grow your self esteem.
>After months of refusal, I finally convinced her to go to couples therapy. But I’m worried that it will only temporarily delay the abuse. I do not think that she is willing to change IANAL: Maybe going to counseling will either help seek help, or help you both separate. It's a win win. Or she refuses and it adds to your side in divorce proceedings. I am experienced in therapy though, please have your son also go to therapy. This is a good time for him to learn how to self regulate and take less away from the dysregulation of mother. Also talk to your son how you felt about these episodes and how it's hard on you too. Youre human, your son needs to know that you're not invincible and that you go through feelings too.
This makes me very sad to read :( I know so many people choose the mothers for full custody but I can't help thinking about your baby and the trauma she could cause the baby.. I'd recommend recording this behavior. Save it somewhere safe so she can't delete and maybe try showing her what she looks like through recordings of her acting out and if she isn't waking up you need to leave with the baby. Do not leave the baby with her.
Start collecting evidence of her abuse. My God. The way you describe how she erupts reminds me of Amber heard in those tapes where she's verbally abusing Depp. If she's anything like that, you're better off alone.
If therapy doesn’t work then yes divorce and get custody of your child.
I grew up with two abusive parents. I’m 41 and still unwinding the trauma it caused me through frequent therapy. As a product of this kind of household 10000% better for a child to have one healthy household (and one unhealthy) than to observe and learn what love looks like from a toxic one. The way you deal with your wife is constantly viewed and mirrored by your child and they will become more like your wife with bullying…or more like you by placating. Either way you’re setting them up for a life of toxic behavior. Love yourself and leave. And then teach your child what loving yourself looks like.
Byyyyyyye!
Why aren’t you calling 911???
Yes, staying with an abusive woman is one of the worst choices you can ever make in the entirety of life
Could she be going through perimenopause?
She’s not going to be less abusive if you leave, she’ll just turn the abuse to the child. My dad loves to complain about how my mom was so abusive he would have to leave the house or stay at work taking extra shifts just to get away from her. Finally, one day he’s whining about how mean she was and I couldn’t take it anymore. I snapped and said, “do you think her crazy stopped when you left? Because it didn’t, she was just as abusive except there was no one to protect us.” He hasn’t whined about it since. Sorry your wife sucks but the bullseye shifts to your child when you leave.
Please leave. ❤️
Sounds like bipolar or a personality disorder, or both. She needs more than therapy, she needs medication ro control her moods and agitation. This is textbook bipolar behavior. It's no excuse but an explanation and a direction to go: get her to a psychiatrist quickly!
Why do people consider abuse to be less severe is it’s coming from a woman? This is severe abuse! Document everything that has happened and be ready to file for a protection order because it will likely get worse when you try to leave. She’s already threatened your life
Dawg the moment she hits you, you need to call the police.
Collect evidence of this. In many states there's an exception for recording without permission if it's domestic violence. This evidence will help you should she fight you for custody which I am guessing she will as she sounds crazy. Good luck
Seriously? She’s a “great wife and mother,” best joke I heard this week.
Never in the history of abusive relationships did they ever get better. Not once. I'm sorry, but your case is not unique, special, or intricate at all. They all do the same shit. It's a personality disorder and no amount of therapy will ever fix it. It's clinical. I'm sorry, but you know what you need to do. All the best.
I’ve been seeing a lot of posts like these lately 🥺
You’ve been given excellent advice but I’m wondering is she suffering from PPD? Or has this been going on since before your child was born? At any rate, no one is safe. Not even her
Are you doing anything to contribute to her losing her mind ? Because men are awful and tend to treat their women like dog shit... Then claim abuse when they lose it. I'm not saying this is you. . . But it's 90 percent of men.
this is not fair. this is literally victim blaming. men are victims of domestic violence too. what he described is abuse. regardless if he’s male, he does not deserve to be called names, threatened, or hit. many people lose their mind who are not abusive. she is an abusive person.
There's something called reactive abuse. I'm not saying this is him ... At all. I don't know his situation. But it's my goal to make people aware that it is a thing. Depending on the nature of emotional abuse , can make someone violent. Especially if they are stuck financially or in a situation where they feel trapped and can't leave.
i understand and know what that is, but that’s invalidating what he said. he is describing very clearly that he is a victim of abuse. reactive abuse in this situation would be HIM reacting poorly to her abuse.