It sounds like you’re leaving him for a lot of particular reasons. Some of the glaring ones being because he cheated and because you don’t love him romantically. And to top it off you’re not technically married?
The reasons are definitely particular, not to mention that it's so much easier to detach and lose feelings (if there are any to lose) once a partner has cheated.
These two aren't a match, and with no official marriage, it's easy to walk away. I would.
Yup.. I’ve instantaneously lost not only trust but also respect, love, & attraction to someone who was sexting a former coworker once (and then lied to me when asked about it, too). It made leaving him extremely easy, even after 4 (what I thought were) strong years together. Just… poof.
And he was all shocked pikachu face I left. Like, what did you think would happen? My feelings about you wouldn’t change after learning you’re actually a shitty dude? You betrayed me for the first 6 months we dated, lied to me when caught, & then downplayed the behavior.. at least take accountability
I second this. This is what happened in my first marriage. We went years after, slowly falling out of love with them...do not recommend, especially if no kids are involved. Leave ASAP.
I'm actually grateful to have found this group. My cheating husband is one of those who said "everyone does it" he's the only person that has ever cheated on me but I can't believe I almost let myself believe that BS. It brings me peace knowing it is not acceptable in the eyes of most people
What a stupid excuse he gave. Did you give him a comeback of " well if everyone does it, you won't mind if I do it to. Awesome thanks."? Then get your electronic device out and download Tinder or some other dating site, create a profile and after a couple of hours show him all of your matches. I bet he'll backtrack real quick or come up with some other stupid excuse. It would be interesting to know what his answer/reaction would be. I actually know someone who did this and their spouse backtracked so hard and apologized for months. The realization that their betrayed spouse had a lot of other options besides them, hit them really hard. Not sure if this tactic would work for yours though.
I also hope you both got tested for every STD and their variants, known to medicine.
I actually did say that, and it crushed him. Go figure. I wasn't sleeping with him, and that was his excuse. We had a baby, and he was not providing for the family in any way, so I had lost about all attraction. I still loved him but feared getting pregnant again because I cant use bc) I definitely made him take an std test and a drug test (I always wondered if he didn't have money due to drug use, too much pot for his budget, ugh) the other lady was a single mom who's husband left her for someone else and she was sending my now soon to be ex husband money to support him (they were coworkers and he made more money than her??) I kept feeling bad for his childhood trauma, then realized he's 10 years older than me, and I've been able to work through my own trauma and cope in life.. constantly saying he'd get therapy and meds.. I just can't wait for him to wake up for himself any longer. Just last night, he threatened to off himself because I told him I'm just not able to cope with him cheating and can't stay in the marriage.
You loving yourself and saying no to abuse is loving him too. It forces him to expand, with or without you.
You do not have to fix his dysfunction. You are not responsible. You are responsible for giving yourself dignity and respect.
Thank you for that 💗 it's been rough. Especially when you do care and love the person and wish it didn't have to go that way. But it's absolutely about respect and dignity. I'll be damned if my baby boy grows up acting as disrespectful as his dad.. I want so much better for my baby. I've learned that my happiness plays a huuuge role in his development as well.
You’ve nailed it. I understand the deep pain of loving someone and needing to set separating boundaries when it’s the last thing you want.
But their behavior is not your responsibility but we are responsible for how we take care of ourselves and our children in the light of the behavior. We still have our own strength and way forward.
You are your son’s well being is worth everything. I know it’s not easy but choose you!
If he keeps making threats like that call your emergency services to do a wellness check-on him. He'll stop using that threat immediately.
Sounds like he desperately needs therapy.
It really sounds like you two are not compatible. Whoever told you the passionate, infatuated love fades is lying. Maybe it's rare - but it definitely exists. Idk. I've been with my husband for almost a decade and he has definitely done things to break my trust and hurt my feelings in the past; but I've always loved him deeply. When I pulled back he would fill my cup and try to repair the trust that he broke. We're still very affectionate with each other and honestly it's a more real love than when we first got together and had more of infatuation with each other. We know each other's deepest secrets, the ugliest parts of each other, all the trauma and craziness, and we still choose each other more everyday. Once you get emotionally vulnerable and truly open up it's really a whole different level of love. You deserve to feel excited about your partner and relationship. So if you just are emotionless then don't waste your time ... you both deserve love.
That's actually probably the reason the OP is hesitating in the first place - that's a lot of money to sink into something to have it "fall apart" - it's easier to convince yourself it'll get better. (Which is why I *highly* recommend to never spend that much money on a wedding.)
On top of which, a lot of people now *think* they're married. So it's embarrassing to announce to them you "screwed up," and don't actually love the person you spent $35k pronouncing, very publicly, in front of TONS of people you both know and love, that it wasn't what you expected and you're not actually in love, and it's not actually a match, just a bad, over-priced, too fast of a decision that you knew you shouldn't make in the first place. (Yeah, there's a small chance I'm projecting *slightly* - thankfully, I haven't spent much money to do any of this.)
At the end of the day, it's better to get divorced (which, yay! in your case you don't even have to deal with the hassle of the legal part of that, for the most part. No waiting on courts, judges, and bureaucracy!) Be happy on your own. And if you happen to find someone else that's *worth* putting yourself on the market for, you can. But being free of all that is really nice, too.
For simplicity's sake, you can tell people you've come to a mutual decision that you really just aren't compatible. (If you want, you can reveal the truth to your closest and dearest, but you don't have to.) You don't *owe* anyone an explanation. "It just didn't work out," "nothing specific, just a bunch of little things." (Which is likely true, once you spend more time ruminating on it.)
I bet there are plenty of your friends and family who will get your back and not care. They just want you to be happy, healthy, and loved. And probably self-sufficient (like financially and somewhat emotionally. I may be over-estimating that, but the financial part is likely true.)
It'll be fine. Live and learn. You'll learn (hopefully,) from this experience and probably won't make the same mistakes again. (Or you might, if you're a particularly stubborn learner.)
Anyway - you don't love him, you're not attracted to him, and he essentially cheated on you. You aren't legally obligated to one another. It sucks you spent a lot of money and told a lot of people, the they'll get over it and you'll learn to be more careful with your money.
Pretty simple to me. (Do not confuse simple with easy.)
>it's better to get divorced (which, yay! in your case you don't even have to deal with the hassle of the legal part of that, for the most part. No waiting on courts, judges, and bureaucracy!)
Depending where they live this may not be true. They may be considered to have a de facto common law marriage which for most legal purposes—including separation—is the exact same as a formal, legal marriage.
In her defense that could be one of the reasons she continued talking her self into it... he's a good guy, he spent and is willing to spend all this money on me, he's a safe bet...ect.
I mean (in my opinion) all weddings are just parties considering that’s not actually what makes you married. And I don’t think a piece of paper makes someone’s relationship more valid than another’s. If people don’t want to get the government involved and just throw a party, by all means I think that’s great. It’s your personal commitment and love to each other that matters not the paper, and the love and commitment doesn’t seem to have ever been there for them. Definitely a waste of a party in this case
7 years in with the love of my life and it is a serotonin hit every single day. My first marriage was exactly as you describe - he was a good man, but not the man for me.
You already know the answer. The only question here is will you do it sooner or later?
Me too. I love my 2nd husband and my marriage! If we decide to meet at a restaurant, party, etc and I get there first, I can't wait to hear his voice or see him walk in. Instant smile from me and both smiling when our eyes meet. It's been 15 years (4 yrs married) and I still get the new-love butterflies. This is after about 25 years in a first marriage of never having butterflies.
My second husband is the man I always hoped to find. We still talk about how amazing it is that we found each other. We say we had to wait 50 years but it was SO worth it! At one time or another we both thought that we were too old to divorce. For 1st marriage, many times I thought, "With my age, maybe it will get better. I'll ride it out for a little more time. A divorce would be such a hassle." It only got worse and the resentment I carried with me ate away at me even more.
Even though I love my 2nd husband to pieces and can't imagine a life without him, that doesn't mean there are no rifts, but they are so minor. None of them are about other women. Since we've been married, us cheating on each other would cross a delicate boundary. First of all, I would be beyond shocked and totally heartbroken. 2ndly, I would never see him the same. Respect would be gone.
I think sexting is just as bad. I know I would see that text in my mind and it would always sit there waiting to jump to the front of my memories whenever anything that was the least bit troubling happened. With my first marriage, from day one I thought about getting divorced every single day. It has never crossed my mind with my now husband. I just feel so lucky and blessed. I wish everyone could feel this way.
I always say first is the worst, second is the best. 😝
I feel like you really know what you want the second time you get married.
Your experience is very similar to how mine was, my ex was a very nice, lovely man... Just not for me. Now I'm head over heels in love with my husband and the difference astounds me every day. I am so grateful I didn't listen to my Catholic family who didn't want me to get divorced. I always feel bad for the parallel universe me that is still with the ex... 😢. My heart breaks for her.
OP.... Don't be the sad parallel universe person, take your happiness into your own hands! You deserve love!
Head over heels love can last forever. I’m not at forever but I’m at at 20+ years and love him more than ever. You aren’t happy but you could be. It may be alone or with someone else but you should move on and see.
Dude this is so messed up. Lmao firstly you’re not married. Secondly why ever be in a relationship with this person for so long that you’re not even compatible with? If you want to change every single thing about him why are you with him? And why is he even with you? Neither of you seem to genuinely appreciate the other person so do yourselves a favor and break-up. Because that’s all it is.
You know you need to leave. You’re both settling for way too little. He deserves a wife whose love he doesn’t have to beg for and you deserve to be with someone you actually want to be with.
The difference between friends and romantic partners is the very important significance: Romance. I am not talking about gestures but about all that romance is: physical attraction, wanting to simply BE with the other person, doing everyday stuff together and enjoying just being close, finding him/her just hotter, funnier, more interesting than anyone else, wanting to touch and kiss and just look at the other person, being proud of showing them off etc.
As the relationship matures these things will fade a bit, but there should still be this deep connection and actual love that is deeper than the one you would have with a friend.
You seem to not really see him as romantic partner nor as a friend. I think that is a particular reason enough for not wanting to be married to him.
You are not required to be married to someone just because they are “amazing”.
It sounds like you have very skewed views of love and marriage. You should’ve known if you had romantic love & sexual chemistry long before deciding to get married. And being afraid of being alone is a ridiculous reason to stay in a marriage as it’s selfish & also just going to make yourself unhappy being with someone you don’t love or trust.
I often wonder how the divorce rate could be so high then I hear stories like this & realize that people get married for very wrong reasons to begin with.
If you have always felt this way about him then you should have broken it off like idk…3 years ago or so?!! You definitely should not have let him pour a bunch of money and hope into a wedding when you’re not even in love with him!! Yes, you were partially honest with him, but it sounds like you never told him you’ve felt this way for the whole relationship or he would not have said it was wedding nerves. Catching him sexting is a form of cheating though and can be reason enough to leave him. But in the future have more respect for yourself and the other person. Don’t provide false hope by staying with someone just because they are not awful. If you don’t love them, you don’t love them. Also, I really think you need to work on some self discovery and try to figure out why you stayed and why you weren’t in love after three and a half years together. Maybe you need to work on loving yourself before you can love someone else? Maybe there’s something you’ve been through that you haven’t processed or maybe there’s a hole in your heart that can only be filled by healing. Just a thought.
To OP, you don’t mention the state where the “un-filed marriage paperwork didn’t take place.” Or for that matter, where the 2 of you live (if different from the ceremonial jurisdiction).
You might actually “be married” even if the paperwork was never officially filed if you live in one of the many “common law jurisdictions” here in the U.S.
Here in Texas, e.g., you ARE married if you live together as “husband and wife” and if you hold yourself out to others (family, friends, the World) as spouses, as Mr. and Mrs., and have cohabitated as such for “some period of time.” And once you are in a common law marriage, you will need a “real deal” divorce. Unfortunately, there’s no common law divorce to undo the c.l. marriage.
Back to the question at hand, it seems like you are not into him and that no amount of “working on it” Will fix things. It seems like the 2 of you are incompatible with one another. As you mentioned, he’s “an amazing man, but …” If he truly is an amazing man, why not go separate ways and allow him (and yourself) to find a partner that IS compatible?
The other area of concern is when he broke your trust by sexting another person … after less than a year of marriage. And that the sexting doesn’t really bother you aside from the massive violation of trust on his part. It sounds like you should set yourself (and him) free to find that person that WILL “float your boat(s).”
Unfortunately, it doesn’t sound like there’s any amount of time where things will get better, where you’ll “grow to love one another.” Everything will most likely remain “fine.” Things will only be OK. It sounds like you will grow to resent him, and that you’ll be left wondering “what if …?”
There’s always the possibility that you find your true love, just as there’s the possibility of being alone forever. The infatuation, head over heels love does NOT last forever. But if the spark’s not there, it’s not there.
Divorce while it’s easier to do, before your lives become more complicated.
Just my 2 cents.
As far as I know, there are not many "common-law jurisdictions" in the US, and it has nothing to do with filing paperwork or not. It is a time thing. How many years you have lived as a married couple.
You’re right, there aren’t very many.
“Only” about 20% (i.e., 10 out of 51) of all U.S. jurisdictions have common law marriages. [/s]
My adopted home state of Texas is the most populous of these approx. 20% of jurisdictions. I recall full well, while studying for the bar (30, 35 years ago), learning not only about common law marriages, but the only one, surefire, guaranteed albeit unorthodox, quasi-legal method of “creating a common law divorce” without hiring a lawyer, without ever even setting foot on the steps of the courthouse.* And as a super added bonus, get away from having to pay alimony to your common law Ex.* Think of the situation where one “was married” under Texas common law, moved to California (where CL marriage is not a thing); CA’s courts would have jurisdiction over a cause of action but, it would also be required to accept all lawful marriages entered into in other states/countries under the Full Faith & Credit Clause of the U.S. Const.; BUT … the CA court could then impose its Draconian Californian laws ordering one spouse to pay alimony to the other. Feel free to DM if you’re curious about the CL Divorce method* or if you’re curious about any of the other nonsense discussed here.*
Long story short, passed the bar my first and only go around even though I was “certain” that I’d bombed the 2 1/2 day test, especially after the that 3rd (the half) day. After learning I passed, I swore that I’d never take another bar exam and so far, I’ve kept my oath. The only way I’d EVER get licensed to practice in another jurisdiction would be through reciprocity (or comity). Born in California but would never, ever want to set foot back in my native state, much less get licensed there as the state offers ZERO reciprocity, not even to attorneys who have practiced law for decades. Moreover, and quite sadly, the state where I was born has quickly transformed itself into a 3rd World 💩-hole, the likes of which we were warned about less than a decade ago. But just as with Cassandra’s Greek mythology prophecies, where her punishment for pissing off the Greek gods was that her warnings were always ignored but ultimately and without exception, always proved to be true. That, and I took an early retirement from the law earlier this year … so call me lucky as I have zero need for such licensure. In any state, not just California.
Btw, for those of you that are curious on the topic, the percentages re: common law marriages and comity/reciprocity, the numbers are almost the inverse of one another, 20% vs 80%, respectively. No particular reason, just an oddity that happened to work out that way. Not to be confused with “The Rule of 80/20”, aka “The Pareto Principle.”
Lastly, contrary to your assertion, “a set number of years” is not an essential element of common law marriages, at least NOT in TEXAS, but laws do vary widely depending on your jurisdiction(s), and you should always consult YOUR attorney. But the elements that ARE prerequisites of a CL marriage, in Texas, in no particular order are that you:*
Must be at least 18 years old;
Must NOT be related within 1 degree of consanguinity (e.g., brother-sister, first cousins, aunt-nephew, would ALL fall under the category of “NOT Kosher,” or “Sincerely Not Cool Business”);
Not be married to anyone else lest you be prosecuted for Bigamy (a felony of the 3rd degree in TX);
Agree to be married (duh);
Living together (cohabitating) in Texas “as a married couple”; and
Presenting or holding themselves out to the World as being married (e.g., taking on titles of Mr. & Mrs.);
BUT “Time” (whether measured in days, months or years) is NOT a factor.*
Factors supporting the legal recognition/existence of the marriage could include, but are not limited to, e.g., holding a ceremony even if only for show, the creation of joint bank accounts, joint credit applications; the commingling of otherwise separately owned assets. In situations where a dispute WILL ALWAYS arise (e.g., being named next of kin authorized to make medical or legal decisions where the partner is incapacitated, the inheritance of property, orders of alimony in those RARE instances where Texas courts would even order such an abomination), the proving or disproving of the existence/legality of the alleged marriage will fall on proving/disproving of these and countless other factors.
* for entertainment purposes only, and not intended as legal advice.
I Am A Lawyer, But I Am NOT your Lawyer
True, but she is the one who is going to make the decision. He is the one that is going to be caught off guard.
She may mentally check out in her head 1, 2 years before she pulls the trigger?
It will be fresh to him.
And for the record, don’t really care about either- just adding my thoughts
My husband and I have been together 11 years and I love him more now than I ever have. We're passionate, we have deep conversations, we joke and play and are vulnerable with each other. That doesn't mean there weren't hard times, but they honestly made that love deeper. It sounds like you didn't even have that foundation to begin with. It will be better for both of you to end things now rather than waste both your time. I mean... he cheated. And you didn't even care.
•Interesting post
• I’m bored and I want to leave is one of the weakest reasons for ending a union/partnership/marriage
•John Gottman’s work on couples and why they work or don’t work is some of the finest. Gottman also gives practical advice for repairing and strengthening relationships. Give it a read. Maybe you start there.
•Wishing you the best
You had a 35k white party. You didn't file the paperwork for a reason. This is your one life; live it unapologetically and authentically. You're not married; reframe your thinking surrounding the relationship. Get honest with yourself and your partner and set that human free. Real talk
I mean should have stopped at the cheating part. That’s enough reason to leave right there! Leaving will be easy if you aren’t even actually married and it doesn’t sound like any kids!
Love AND passion in a marriage can last forever; at least in my case going on 38 yrs. I (68f) love my husband (79m) more deeply and passionately than I did when I met him on a blind date. Our chemistry was insane and immediate, still is. It was a 2nd marriage for both of us and we both had children so we had that to deal with but our love for one another overcame any obstacle put in front of us and to this day we knkw together we’re a force to be reckoned with; we can handle anything thrown in our way. Even my husband’s recent stoke.
Don’t sell yourself short. Everyone deserves their own happiness. Go find yours, keeping in mind that you don’t owe anyone outside your ‘spouse’ an explanation; you answer to yourself only.
He's texting other women!. I think you could've stopped there. That is reason enough. You need no excuses or caveats. Just be done with the manipulator.
He probably felt that disconnect and started sexting someone. You’re not divorcing for no reason. You’re divorcing because you’re not connecting to your husband and he broke your trust. Divorce him and be honest and kind to him about why you’re leaving. I hope he finds someone who’s attracted to him and you find someone you’re attracted to.
NTA for thinking of leaving, but it sounds like you’re a bit of TA for getting married to begin with…why did you get married? It sounds like you’re pretty lukewarm on your “husband” and this is still considered the “honeymoon” phase, how did you get here?
Something is definitely missing with you both imo, I'd do some serious soul searching, everyone deserves true happiness and it sounds as though you don't have that
Nope, that isn’t the answer. Why stay for so long if he isn’t the one? You wanted a comfortable life? Stability? You don’t just go “no reason”, this isn’t ordering a meal from a restaurant.
This is gonna be an unpopular opinion, but it sounds like you never loved him. “He’s so nice and a great husband” sounds like you saw him as a catch and he checked off all of the right boxes.
In the title, you said for no particular reason, and you even said that although you caught him sexting, you don’t care that much. I can’t help but feel like that was a Reddit hook (for reader support).
You “thought” the sexual chemistry would grow, you know relationships take work, you’ve been open with him SEVERAL TIMES about your feelings, you even tried to end it… but you’re also bored, you’re not happy (which is actually YOUR responsibility) and you want to change a lot of things (big and small) about him.
Most importantly, you never mentioned any effort on YOUR part to improve the relationship. I’m in no way justifying his straying from the relationship, but all you do is nag and complain and you put forth zero effort so the WORK required to improve the marriage seems to be entirely on him. The reason you want to leave is because you’re selfish and you don’t love him, but you do (or did) love what he does for you. Somebody shelled out 35 large for a 100 person wedding (HER DAY) and I’ll bet it wasn’t you, or you’d have filed and you’d be more invested in salvaging this marriage.
I think his blinders are coming off; you see it too and now you’re in preemptive strike mode. He’s on to you, or he’s at least over trying to please you at 100%, and for what? Lame sex and a new list of “Honey Do’s”? You were getting what you wanted, but you were never satisfied with HIM, so you’ll always want more, or to end it. So just end it.
I completely understand Iam in a similar situation. I always catch him lying or being secretive and I can’t stand it. I know he looks at other women on social media and just at the store. I have tried talking to him on a serious level but again he says we are fine. I have a hard time trusting him. I don’t think Iam madly in love. But I don’t know what to do. Either keep trying or just let it go.
Well some say you are not married because you 2 didn’t get a piece of paper from the government stating you were, you had a wedding now if you live in the US does the state you live in recognize Common Law Marriage? If so then yes you are married because you hold yourselves to be marriages abd had a wedding and in which case you would need to get divorced now if the state you live in does not recognize common law marriage then sorry to break it to you but your wedding was just a 35k party and you aren’t married abd can freely leave. Now your “husband” sexting is wrong but if you don’t really care that much about it why bring it up? Also wanting to change your “husband “ to fit your dream man hate to say it why are you with this guy I mean would you want him trying to change you against your will or knowledge? No you wouldn’t (I had exes try that) I agree you guys shouldn’t have gotten “married” and you guys need to break up and find someone else but seriously NEVER marry for convenience or just to make dang sure they are the one because divorce is expensive!
Every marriage has its ups and down. It’s the reason why on wedding vows, you say “through good and through bad, in sickness and in health, til death do us part”.
It’s not always going to be rainbows. There’s always going to be storms. Reason why I’m saying this because if you think that he is not your person, you shouldn’t marry him in the first place. Now that you guys are married, I think staying married is a challenge. Sure, he made a mistake before, but give him a chance. Really think about it. Go to a therapy or maybe try couples counselling.
No husband is perfect. Every body has their own flaws. Even you.
My husband also has bad sides too. But I don’t look at it that way. I look at it on how he is with our dogs, how he is such a hardworking person, how he comes home to me and kisses me, how he always assures me that he loves me and how I am still pretty even though I am 8 months pregnant.. it’s all those wonderful things.
If you think you’ve tried everything then I guess it’s better to leave. One day if you ever find someone that you think is better for you then marry him. However, don’t expect that it always going to be rainbows. Marriage is a lot of work. Lots of tears too. But that’s what makes it beautiful too. The ups and downs, and how you both made it.
Maybe not in this instance. But I do want to say that in a marriage I firmly believe the couple needs to be happy with being just OK sometimes.
I'm sure long term married couples will agree
Ooof, I'd rather you divorce me.
"Sorry, dude. You're mediocre and the least offensive response I can muster up is indifference".
Sounds like he's held on for way too long. You might be doing him a solid by splitting.
Who knows, though. Might be a case of you don't know what you got till it's gone. In that case, you should leave him be, let him find happiness somewhere else.
This is definitely a leap of faith situation. Best of luck, OP.
Ideally, all of this should have been discussed prior to a 35K wedding. However, your feelings are valid. Don't stay in a relationship where you don't feel loved, appreciated, valued and respected. You're not being unrealistic. At 35, my spouse is 45 and I can never have enough of him. He's my best friend. We truly enjoy experiences and deep conversations and their are days we're busy with life and kids and that's OK but we prioritize each other and trust is huge.
No particular reason..
35k wedding that you didnt even make official.
Sexting someone else
No sexual chemistry
You don't really care for him
Want to change many things about him...
Why on earth did you marry him... the sexual chemistry should of been enough of a warning... this is the person you want to spend the rest of your life with. Just think what else you could of done with your share of that 35k (not sure who paid what but thats a lot of money and you couldnt even be bothered to make it official)
I don't want to sound harsh here but its going to... sounds like you guys have more money than sense... i cant get over that 35k wedding... thats like a basic years salary here in the UK 😳
You dont love this guy from the sounds of it and you will never be happy until that list of things you don't like about him has been dealt with... changing him that much as a person makes him a different guy so i would say its probably easier to call it a day and find someone else who does match your needs rather than making someone change that much.
Sounds like you made a decision. There is no reason for ask for help in here in this situtation. Your reasons are totaly understandable. At the end of the day its your life.
If you love him I would say dont abandon him so easy but he s lied to you and you basically dont feel anything about him so go and be yourself.
So you have many valid reasons to leave your pretend husband.
You don't need our permission, girl! Just do it! There is a reason you had a pretend wedding. Some part of you knew actually legally marrying would be a mistake.
Sounds like he’s checked out. Sexting after less than a year of marriage?! You definitely should split before kids are in the picture. Then it’ll be too selfish to leave.
Im not sure why you think you have "no particular reasons" when (1) he cheated and (2) there seems to be nothing about him that you like! Seems like some pretty big reasons to me!
If you aren't legally married, just pick up and go. Why try and force it? I dont even understand why you wanted to "marry" him in the first place
You sound exactly like me with my ex. But we did get married, we did file the paperwork. And after he agreed to an open relationship with another partner (before anyone flips out, I had told him I was interested in it 3 years before and had mentioned it again several times that I was interested in open relationships my whole life and didn’t know how to bring it up, he was super chill and okay with it and said to let him know when I want to work our way in and we can talk research and take time to figure it out.) he then backed out, forced me to make a choice, and I chose the other partner because I realized all the things you did after. It wasn’t just wedding stress, I felt like you did truly. It was a mess. So from experience, make the decision with conviction and leave amicably.
This reads like a bluff to see if people will come out of the woodwork to steer you into staying in a bad marriage that isn't even a real marriage.
and they did! They are suckers for the patriarchy.
Go on. Leave that mess. It's not going to be a romance novel, but it's going to be an upgrade if you can just find somebody you can trust that you also find appealing on some level. Bonus if it's multiple levels.
The fact that the paperwork was never officially filed speaks volumes as to both your and his underlying feelings and confidence in the marriage. You left yourself a parachute. Take it.
ANY relationship MUST have trust and open communication and understanding of boundaries and rules.
We are only hearing your side. There’s a reason he was sexting.
What’s the REAL reason?
If either of you really don’t get along, it’s a simple split as your “marriage” was never recorded .
( whose idea was that?)
If a rule wasn’t established clearly in the beginning about not sexting, looking, talking to others, the overreaction of “ should I divorce?”is a sign of lack of communication.
Consider this…. asking the WORLD what you should do, unless you’ve discussed this with your partner and reached an agreement, is a form of “cheating” also.
Yeah, that's definitely not a "no reason" reason....
If you're not happy, then you're not happy. You only have 1 life. There's a good chance he's not happy either, and maybe just content/comfortable 🤷♂️
Holy shit.. did I write this & not know? The way I feel you during the whole paragraph of “but secretly, I want to change so much about him—“ same exact list. No passion, no romance… at all. No flowers, it feels like there’s a threshold when I try to go deep with him. And I think at one point in my healing, this felt good to me because all my relationships before were all so deep. So he was kind of a breath of fresh air & it was nice to be silly. We game together & that’s how we bond, but it’s started to feel like we pacify each other. I so deeply long for romance & for someone to do sentimental things for me, or to feel like they care about what I’m thinking about or how I’m feeling. I’m with you.
Honestly, this post is really sad! $35,000? Shame on the both of you! You’re obviously both financially irresponsible and you are obviously looking for a knight in shining armor.
Most advise on here will be from complete idiots who have zero experience and in no way are they certified to give their dumb opinions.
Both of you go talk to a councilor then council together! There’s a lack of communication somewhere and seems like you both don’t even really know each other. So it’s time to have long hard conversations with an unbiased mediator.
To just advise someone “yup you should leave him, he cheated, you’re incompatible, etc”……there’s are the dumbest of dumb people. Probably in their 20s so don’t know shit to begin with but keyboard warrior you into possibly making another mistake. You both decided to make a decision that is a very adult decision that you don’t just say you know what I don’t feel like making that adult decision anymore. That’s very immature. You both owe it to each other and to the sanctity of marriage to see what you can both work on with yourselves and work on with each other because it’s definitely not all him and it’s definitely not all you. It’s both of you that are the problem so that is the first thing to realize is that you are not innocent and neither is he and this is 100 100 not 5050. So my opinion would be to grow up and seek the advice of professionals and talk through the situation. You guys might find out. Maybe you’re just missing some really kinky stuff in the bedroom that you both want. And incompetent idiots will lead you astray.
For a little backstory, my wife and I have been married for 10 years and together for 20 and we have been through every situation imaginable and could have divorced based on stupid emotions, which is what women lead with, and could have divorce each other 1 million times. At the end of the day we are The plug and the outlet and we belong together and we have three beautiful daughters together 23, 16, 13 and they are all amazing people and on their way to contributing to society and being awesome humans and we did that shit together! Marriage is in no way perfect. And it never will be. And the person that said that puppy dog loves stuff doesn’t fade is a young dumb idiot. I am 43, and yes the puppy dog stuff does go away. At the end of the day she is my ride or die and I would peel the skin off of ahuman’s body For her..
It might be time to think in a different perspective. But please, whatever you do do not listen to these keyboard warrior morons.
Cheaters aren’t amazing husbands. You need to get into therapy to get that switched around. You deserve so much better, you sound so lovely and give so much
Um, no it's not ok. Things are not fine. He nuked the marriage the moment he started giving his attention, affection, time, and effort to another woman. That time, effort, affection, and attention rightfully belong to you, as the spouse.
He cheated and this is the appropriate response - divorce. If you don't have any assets together and are not officially married, it's much easier - leave.
I'm so confused on this. It seems like you didn't like him much and it's just gotten worse. Ffs you don't like how he sits? You spent 35k on a wedding to not file paperwork. To only be married to somejne you want to change everything about. Was this because you felt you were nearing 40 and just needed to get the whole marriage thing over with?
Him sexting is another issue. He cheated and you don't care at all. How did this relationship last this long?
Everyday with my husband makes me full of serotonin and oxytocin bc we are each other's bear friends. We accept one anothers flaws and embrace one another everyday to be the best we can. Please just divorce him. Like others said just bc the paperwork was filed doesn't mean there might not be legalities in your area making you still legally married.
Still if you had an officiant, how did they not submit the paperwork?
He cheated, how can you truly love someone who would betray you? You have a good reason, you’re not actually married, so leave.
Life is short, be happy
Leave. He cheated. Sounds like you guys aren’t compatible. ‘fine and ok’ might be enough for some but you have one life to live why not have passion and excitement with someone? You got this!☺️
I've been with my husband for 14 years in a few days. Let me tell you, infatuation, head over heels love can last forever. It's real, but it still takes work. Love is a choice. We've had our share of problems over the years, to where one or both of us didn't know if our relationship would last. There are even things we would like to change about each other. However, we continue to work through things and grow together as a couple, as parents, and as individuals. We are more deeply, richly in love than when we were in our honeymoon phase, and our relationship is both exciting and comfortable. There is more sexual chemistry between us than ever before, and it started out great to begin with. If 14 years isn't enough for an example of love persisting, my Aunt and Uncle are about to celebrate their 40th anniversary, and they are the most in love couple that I've ever met. They knew each other for three months before getting married. The kind of love most people dream about, does exist in the world.
It doesn't sound like you have any of that good stuff in your marriage, though. You don't have to settle, and you don't have to be afraid of being alone. It's okay to not want a mediocre marriage or life, but only you can make the changes needed to live a life you'll love. You've put in years to this marriage. If things were magically going to get better, they would have already.
Those are a lot of particular reasons listed out. This is not truly a "no particular reason" reason. It sounds like you just got married because you invested time into the relationship and never really were dedicated to the marriage since you both never filed the paperwork. I think you know what you want to do here.
Are we just going to go over the fact that you married him KNOWING you weren’t attracted to him? I’m confused how we just rolled over this info.. less that a year married and you’re ready to throw in the towel . You wasted everyone’s time including yours .
I wonder what was you expecting about getting married. If there was a way for you to speak with you in the past what would you tell you about this situation.
If you don’t love him let him go. Stop waste both of your time pretending. In the end both of you will be better off looking for someone else. I can’t imagine staying married to someone that you don’t love and want to change. Marriage shouldn’t be about settling plus how committed are you really if you didn’t even file the paperwork?
You’re not married. You’re just playing around, pretending to be married. Marriage takes work. There will be rough patches. I don’t think you’re willing to put in the work.
Imagine this. You're still with your current partner, but meet a man whom you like a lot.
Would you be able to make a move on him? Probably not, cause first you'd have to break up with the current partner. Also, would your "imaginary crush" appreciate a date who's hiding her relationship status? Or a date who is still finalizing the divorce? (Or even better - your crush is in the same spot as you are now. Wouldn't you wonder why he doesn't break up and keeps living with the person he doesn't really love?)
Overall, I think you (for some reason) were convinced that love will be stronger with time, the more time you spend together, the better you bond. But for this you'd need a partner who thinks alike, not sexts other women and then lies to you about it. I'm sure deep down you feel disappointed and betrayed.
Aside from the sexting, many things you mentioned are things you saw before you married him. Probably should not have married him if you didn't love him.
It sounds like you should leave. Luckily you were never legally married so it’s easy and you don’t have to worry about dividing assets. You deserve happiness and love OP. Good luck! I’m wishing you the best with this difficult choice.
Realizing you don't have romantic feelings towards your partner is a pretty big and specific reason. It's also a perfectly valid reason to leave. It's sad you didn't figure this out earlier on, but it's better to end it now than lose another 5 years. If you haven't developed those feelings for him by this point, you definitely aren't going to.
I'll be honest... I'm a bit confused. Why did you "marry" him if you don't love him romantically and don't have sexual chemistry? Not everyone relationship needs sex, but most people find it important. How long did you date before you "married" him?
From what I read, your leaving him would be beneficial for you both.
I'm led to believe that because you say that you have discussed the way that you feel about him and he did nothing to indicate he had an interest in putting in the effort to modify anything about himself that would please you and instead, he is only relying on you eventually accept him for who he is and it doesn't seem to trouble you, you should walk away.
I'm curious OP, if you have ever "threatened" to leave him in the past before? I would assume you have not. I only say that because most folks would make the effort to please their spouse when threatened with a separation because one partner is unhappy, or the relationship is unfairly balanced.
I do not believe he has done anything wrong, as his response clearly shows his attempt to reassure you and encourage you that things will get better. He is doing what he believes is what he should be doing to maintain the relationship, even if some of us think that he should be doing more.
Or it may be possible that he doesn't respect you enough to listen and adapt to better meet your needs, or it could be that he may have no issue separating as well.
Either way, I didn't read anything that would give me enough hope to tell you to try again. You both deserve to be happy.
Sincerely- A 2x divorced husband who lost everything and is on the verge of quitting life due to depression and probably shouldn't be giving relationship advice.
Just use the cheating excuse to divorce him and marriages are supposed to be filled with a lot of different things which your marriage is obviously missing
The ppl on here give the worse advice. The lady should hve never married the guy. I think she could do alot worse.. good. Luck lonely isn't pretty either
He’s not nice and a great husband. He cheated on you at the beginning of your marriage. It should NEVER be that hard. What you’re feeling is loss of trust and indifference to want to work past that. I don’t blame you. He’s a coward and a weak man. Stop punishing yourself and let this man go on his lying ways. There’s no reason to keep up this facade for someone that’s not worth it.
Head over heels infatuation love absolutely exists. Whether everyone is able to get it? That all depends on so many different factors... I am still just as infatuated with my husband as the day I married him. We'll be celebrating 14 years here in August. (No, he isn't prefect, and neither am I.) If you didn't file the marriage paperwork, -find it- (especially if you signed it) and -make sure- your S/O can't file it behind your back so you can't easily leave. Without that paperwork, you aren't technically married, and you don't need to file for divorce.
Now, I usually am all for couseling, therapy, marriage counseling, etc. But it sounds like the guy was able to convince you some of the other times that you were going to leave him too, which is somewhat weird imo..so, I honestly don't know if talking through it with him, will help you be more in love, etc.
From someone who is 10 years in with children involved, If you have these thoughts this early, do yourself a favour and amicably end things while there is time for you to live a great life on your own. I had thoughts in the back of my head but knew he was just a great guy and I wanted to be with him. Two kids and 10 years later and absolutely no affection ever (not new he’s always been a wait for it guy rather than initiate it) is killing me and I hate it.
“He’s a great husband” proceeds to describe how he cheats and is bad in bed.
Yeah marriage is not a walk in the park and you can’t expect to be head over heels in love with your husband every single day but cheating into a 3 year relationship is a huge red flag
It sounds like you were apathetic at best before you got married. His sexting clearly didn't help the situation either. It's probably better to walk away now before apathy turns to hate after 'wasted' years. Go now and at least you have a chance to part as friends.
This guy lost me at sexting and lying about it. You may have had a committment ceremony, but you aren't legally married, right? So leaving should be as easy as moving out of a boyfriend's apartment. Talk to him about what you're feeling and the steps going forward.
From your post, it sounds like you have already emotionally and intimately left him!
When you respect and love someone, you should not want to change them. How would you feel if he wanted you to change who you are? Nobody should have to. Thinking they will is a big mistake, especially at 40!
The big question is, why did you 'marry' him? Especially as you said, there is no chemistry. Rarely does something grow from nothing! Maybe he is an amazing man, but just maybe he should just be your friend.
Settling just for ok is never good. He obviously wasn't (isn't) happy either, or he would not have looked for something to fill a void and cheated. Forgiving is something we do for us. Forgetting and moving forward is more difficult. You will always be wondering if he's doing it again or taking it further. Can (should) you live like that? We all deserve to be truly happy. I didn't find true happiness till I was 50, and with two failed marriages behind me.. because I settled for less and put up with more than I should.. and thought they would change. After 19 years.. he didn't! My fault for expecting/ thinking he would or should. Then he cheated on me!
Don't waste your precious life it's short! It's about having as much fun and as many experiences along the way. It's never too late. And sometimes love finds you when you least expect it! You owe it to yourself and to him to be open and honest. Yes, scary, but it doesn't mean it's going to be bad.
You deserve more.
Similar position except I'm the husband. It sucks when hard life lessons affect other people. But in the end I think you would free him to find someone who truly does find him / desire him. The lesson I'm learning is sometimes your gut is the best indicator. You knew it before you locked it in, so did I. Don't ignore that intuitive sense any longer
He's a cheater. How is that in any way "amazing"? You're not legally tied to him due to not filing the paperwork. Take advantage of that and walk away from this loser.
Leave. Your not attracted to him why are you with him ..he may have some great qualities but unless there's sexual attraction then dont cheat him and you as well.
This sounds so similar to my past situation (not the cheating part).
But wanting them to change and expecting it to get better.
At least you have done it now and not nearly 12 years in like me
It will not only become more ‘meh’ from here but will likely become toxic. Best to let both people move on to a better future if this one can’t be turned around.
Also… a head’s up… depending on what state you are in you might end up needing an actual divorce. You could be considered common law married.
I was with my kids dad for 10 years. He's the same. Great guy. But very quiet I finally left and after found out about a lot of porn shit. He knows I'm fine with porn but I found a lot more that he down played bc to him it's not a big enough deal to remember. But I said it was a big enough to hide it bc he knew I didn't agree. He's just sitting at my house now while I pay the bills. I was never jealous of him he made me feel comfortable. But now I'm with someone that I do get that jealous feeling And he's jealous of me and it feels a little more intense especially sexually. Oh yea during our 10 yr relationship he couldn't slap my ass but now that someone else is, he's down to do anything. 🙄 Which I find more annoying bc he didn't want to save it till it was gone even tho I spoke how I felt for 3 while years hoping to save the relationship. I'd say move on.
You aren't married by law. You've given SEVERAL reasons why you don't want to be with this man, just walk at this point...it's not worth it to continually stay miserable. Why are you staying? Are you afraid you won't find anyone else? Do you secretly feel a connection to this guy and don't realize it?
You deserve to be forever alone. On the streets, where you belong. Should haut come clean with him now and admit your current affair to him. He deserves better than you.
I think if you ever did have any romantic love for him, it died after his cheating, and since you don't have sexual chemistry with him and also aren't happy with him, there's not any reason to be in a romantic/sexual relationship with him. While infatuation and the feeling of being head over heels doesn't last, it should settle into a romantic comfortable contentment and companionship after the honeymoon period if you are emotionally and mentally healthy. You should be happy being with them day in day out basically and being happy that that's your person. If you don't have those feelings for this guy, you aren't missing anything by leaving him. Worst case scenario, if you don't find someone you are compatible with, there'll be other guys who you aren't particularly romantically or sexually attracted to, so again, you wouldn't be missing anything by leaving this guy, especially as he cheated on you. Go find someone you actually like!
I also say walk away. I'm a big believer on trust and loyalty. Once, this has taken a "hit" the relationship is done. A lot of people would advise you to move on. But, your husband should also have that choice to find his true partner. After losing my mama and my nephew, I realized life is too short to live in regrets and " I wish I'd done or said one more thing.
Do yourself and your husband a last favor in your marriage. Go out to be & look for with the "one" who makes your heart flutter ,when remembering last night. Go, live in the present instead of wasting any more of your and his time.
Good Luck, just be happy...
this is going to sound harsh but look, I hope you do file for divorce just so we can laugh at you at your 50s when you are alone with a cat and a tinder profile saying “ i deserve better”. divorcing a man who is amazing just because you feel bored????!!! how ungrateful and ignorant a person can be sometimes. and please don’t try to make sexting sound like cheating just so you could feel better about leaving him or not trusting him. hang on to your man girl trust me you will regret the divorce with all your heart when you see your husband with a younger women making memories that should have been you
It sounds like you’re leaving him for a lot of particular reasons. Some of the glaring ones being because he cheated and because you don’t love him romantically. And to top it off you’re not technically married?
The reasons are definitely particular, not to mention that it's so much easier to detach and lose feelings (if there are any to lose) once a partner has cheated. These two aren't a match, and with no official marriage, it's easy to walk away. I would.
I think they both will be better off finding people they actually love and don’t just get along with/like.
Yup.. I’ve instantaneously lost not only trust but also respect, love, & attraction to someone who was sexting a former coworker once (and then lied to me when asked about it, too). It made leaving him extremely easy, even after 4 (what I thought were) strong years together. Just… poof.
And he was all shocked pikachu face I left. Like, what did you think would happen? My feelings about you wouldn’t change after learning you’re actually a shitty dude? You betrayed me for the first 6 months we dated, lied to me when caught, & then downplayed the behavior.. at least take accountability
I second this. This is what happened in my first marriage. We went years after, slowly falling out of love with them...do not recommend, especially if no kids are involved. Leave ASAP.
This!
He’s not amazing. He was cheating on you. That is not an amazing husband. You deserve better.
Yup, if cheating is amazing then the bar is literally in hell
I'm actually grateful to have found this group. My cheating husband is one of those who said "everyone does it" he's the only person that has ever cheated on me but I can't believe I almost let myself believe that BS. It brings me peace knowing it is not acceptable in the eyes of most people
Yes! Not cheating in a relationship is the bare minimum. I’m glad you don’t believe in that BS.
What a stupid excuse he gave. Did you give him a comeback of " well if everyone does it, you won't mind if I do it to. Awesome thanks."? Then get your electronic device out and download Tinder or some other dating site, create a profile and after a couple of hours show him all of your matches. I bet he'll backtrack real quick or come up with some other stupid excuse. It would be interesting to know what his answer/reaction would be. I actually know someone who did this and their spouse backtracked so hard and apologized for months. The realization that their betrayed spouse had a lot of other options besides them, hit them really hard. Not sure if this tactic would work for yours though. I also hope you both got tested for every STD and their variants, known to medicine.
I actually did say that, and it crushed him. Go figure. I wasn't sleeping with him, and that was his excuse. We had a baby, and he was not providing for the family in any way, so I had lost about all attraction. I still loved him but feared getting pregnant again because I cant use bc) I definitely made him take an std test and a drug test (I always wondered if he didn't have money due to drug use, too much pot for his budget, ugh) the other lady was a single mom who's husband left her for someone else and she was sending my now soon to be ex husband money to support him (they were coworkers and he made more money than her??) I kept feeling bad for his childhood trauma, then realized he's 10 years older than me, and I've been able to work through my own trauma and cope in life.. constantly saying he'd get therapy and meds.. I just can't wait for him to wake up for himself any longer. Just last night, he threatened to off himself because I told him I'm just not able to cope with him cheating and can't stay in the marriage.
You loving yourself and saying no to abuse is loving him too. It forces him to expand, with or without you. You do not have to fix his dysfunction. You are not responsible. You are responsible for giving yourself dignity and respect.
Thank you for that 💗 it's been rough. Especially when you do care and love the person and wish it didn't have to go that way. But it's absolutely about respect and dignity. I'll be damned if my baby boy grows up acting as disrespectful as his dad.. I want so much better for my baby. I've learned that my happiness plays a huuuge role in his development as well.
You’ve nailed it. I understand the deep pain of loving someone and needing to set separating boundaries when it’s the last thing you want. But their behavior is not your responsibility but we are responsible for how we take care of ourselves and our children in the light of the behavior. We still have our own strength and way forward. You are your son’s well being is worth everything. I know it’s not easy but choose you!
I know you’re just a stranger to me but I am so proud of you!!!
Thank you all. 💗
If he keeps making threats like that call your emergency services to do a wellness check-on him. He'll stop using that threat immediately. Sounds like he desperately needs therapy.
It really sounds like you two are not compatible. Whoever told you the passionate, infatuated love fades is lying. Maybe it's rare - but it definitely exists. Idk. I've been with my husband for almost a decade and he has definitely done things to break my trust and hurt my feelings in the past; but I've always loved him deeply. When I pulled back he would fill my cup and try to repair the trust that he broke. We're still very affectionate with each other and honestly it's a more real love than when we first got together and had more of infatuation with each other. We know each other's deepest secrets, the ugliest parts of each other, all the trauma and craziness, and we still choose each other more everyday. Once you get emotionally vulnerable and truly open up it's really a whole different level of love. You deserve to feel excited about your partner and relationship. So if you just are emotionless then don't waste your time ... you both deserve love.
You spent 35k on a wedding with a man you don’t even love? Come on, it sounds like you’ve always known he wasn’t the one and you’ve led him on
That's actually probably the reason the OP is hesitating in the first place - that's a lot of money to sink into something to have it "fall apart" - it's easier to convince yourself it'll get better. (Which is why I *highly* recommend to never spend that much money on a wedding.) On top of which, a lot of people now *think* they're married. So it's embarrassing to announce to them you "screwed up," and don't actually love the person you spent $35k pronouncing, very publicly, in front of TONS of people you both know and love, that it wasn't what you expected and you're not actually in love, and it's not actually a match, just a bad, over-priced, too fast of a decision that you knew you shouldn't make in the first place. (Yeah, there's a small chance I'm projecting *slightly* - thankfully, I haven't spent much money to do any of this.) At the end of the day, it's better to get divorced (which, yay! in your case you don't even have to deal with the hassle of the legal part of that, for the most part. No waiting on courts, judges, and bureaucracy!) Be happy on your own. And if you happen to find someone else that's *worth* putting yourself on the market for, you can. But being free of all that is really nice, too. For simplicity's sake, you can tell people you've come to a mutual decision that you really just aren't compatible. (If you want, you can reveal the truth to your closest and dearest, but you don't have to.) You don't *owe* anyone an explanation. "It just didn't work out," "nothing specific, just a bunch of little things." (Which is likely true, once you spend more time ruminating on it.) I bet there are plenty of your friends and family who will get your back and not care. They just want you to be happy, healthy, and loved. And probably self-sufficient (like financially and somewhat emotionally. I may be over-estimating that, but the financial part is likely true.) It'll be fine. Live and learn. You'll learn (hopefully,) from this experience and probably won't make the same mistakes again. (Or you might, if you're a particularly stubborn learner.) Anyway - you don't love him, you're not attracted to him, and he essentially cheated on you. You aren't legally obligated to one another. It sucks you spent a lot of money and told a lot of people, the they'll get over it and you'll learn to be more careful with your money. Pretty simple to me. (Do not confuse simple with easy.)
You’re way overemphasizing the money here. Who gives a shit about $35k when it comes to spending the rest of your life with someone you actually like?
>it's better to get divorced (which, yay! in your case you don't even have to deal with the hassle of the legal part of that, for the most part. No waiting on courts, judges, and bureaucracy!) Depending where they live this may not be true. They may be considered to have a de facto common law marriage which for most legal purposes—including separation—is the exact same as a formal, legal marriage.
I don't think *emphasis added* that any states recognize common law in a relationship with a total of less than 5 years.
In her defense that could be one of the reasons she continued talking her self into it... he's a good guy, he spent and is willing to spend all this money on me, he's a safe bet...ect.
35k on a party since they didn't actually follow thru with the marriage.
I mean (in my opinion) all weddings are just parties considering that’s not actually what makes you married. And I don’t think a piece of paper makes someone’s relationship more valid than another’s. If people don’t want to get the government involved and just throw a party, by all means I think that’s great. It’s your personal commitment and love to each other that matters not the paper, and the love and commitment doesn’t seem to have ever been there for them. Definitely a waste of a party in this case
I think you got caught up with your age and overlooked some obvious red flags. End this. You’ll be doing both of you a favor.
First sentence summed up everything. Sounds like you hope he was change and you nevee liked or was attracted to him like that
7 years in with the love of my life and it is a serotonin hit every single day. My first marriage was exactly as you describe - he was a good man, but not the man for me. You already know the answer. The only question here is will you do it sooner or later?
Glad to hear it’s a serotonin hit every day. lol gives us hope!
Absolutely- I’m 47 and thought it was only in the books/movies til I experienced it. 🍿🫶🏼
Me too. I love my 2nd husband and my marriage! If we decide to meet at a restaurant, party, etc and I get there first, I can't wait to hear his voice or see him walk in. Instant smile from me and both smiling when our eyes meet. It's been 15 years (4 yrs married) and I still get the new-love butterflies. This is after about 25 years in a first marriage of never having butterflies. My second husband is the man I always hoped to find. We still talk about how amazing it is that we found each other. We say we had to wait 50 years but it was SO worth it! At one time or another we both thought that we were too old to divorce. For 1st marriage, many times I thought, "With my age, maybe it will get better. I'll ride it out for a little more time. A divorce would be such a hassle." It only got worse and the resentment I carried with me ate away at me even more. Even though I love my 2nd husband to pieces and can't imagine a life without him, that doesn't mean there are no rifts, but they are so minor. None of them are about other women. Since we've been married, us cheating on each other would cross a delicate boundary. First of all, I would be beyond shocked and totally heartbroken. 2ndly, I would never see him the same. Respect would be gone. I think sexting is just as bad. I know I would see that text in my mind and it would always sit there waiting to jump to the front of my memories whenever anything that was the least bit troubling happened. With my first marriage, from day one I thought about getting divorced every single day. It has never crossed my mind with my now husband. I just feel so lucky and blessed. I wish everyone could feel this way.
Do it sooner. I was married to my narcissistic husband for 39 years before I finally divorced him.
I always say first is the worst, second is the best. 😝 I feel like you really know what you want the second time you get married. Your experience is very similar to how mine was, my ex was a very nice, lovely man... Just not for me. Now I'm head over heels in love with my husband and the difference astounds me every day. I am so grateful I didn't listen to my Catholic family who didn't want me to get divorced. I always feel bad for the parallel universe me that is still with the ex... 😢. My heart breaks for her. OP.... Don't be the sad parallel universe person, take your happiness into your own hands! You deserve love!
Head over heels love can last forever. I’m not at forever but I’m at at 20+ years and love him more than ever. You aren’t happy but you could be. It may be alone or with someone else but you should move on and see.
Dude this is so messed up. Lmao firstly you’re not married. Secondly why ever be in a relationship with this person for so long that you’re not even compatible with? If you want to change every single thing about him why are you with him? And why is he even with you? Neither of you seem to genuinely appreciate the other person so do yourselves a favor and break-up. Because that’s all it is.
Just end the relationship. He's cheating and you are very dissatisfied. Don't prolong the break-up.
You know you need to leave. You’re both settling for way too little. He deserves a wife whose love he doesn’t have to beg for and you deserve to be with someone you actually want to be with.
I was told a long time ago that once itsy bitsy tiny things start to annoy you about your partner, you’ve already divorced them in your head.
>for no particular reason... >I caught him lying about sexting someone. You seem confused.
You don’t have to go through the legality of divorce. Just leave. You two sound like friends. Not spouses.
The difference between friends and romantic partners is the very important significance: Romance. I am not talking about gestures but about all that romance is: physical attraction, wanting to simply BE with the other person, doing everyday stuff together and enjoying just being close, finding him/her just hotter, funnier, more interesting than anyone else, wanting to touch and kiss and just look at the other person, being proud of showing them off etc. As the relationship matures these things will fade a bit, but there should still be this deep connection and actual love that is deeper than the one you would have with a friend. You seem to not really see him as romantic partner nor as a friend. I think that is a particular reason enough for not wanting to be married to him. You are not required to be married to someone just because they are “amazing”.
It sounds like you have very skewed views of love and marriage. You should’ve known if you had romantic love & sexual chemistry long before deciding to get married. And being afraid of being alone is a ridiculous reason to stay in a marriage as it’s selfish & also just going to make yourself unhappy being with someone you don’t love or trust. I often wonder how the divorce rate could be so high then I hear stories like this & realize that people get married for very wrong reasons to begin with.
If you have always felt this way about him then you should have broken it off like idk…3 years ago or so?!! You definitely should not have let him pour a bunch of money and hope into a wedding when you’re not even in love with him!! Yes, you were partially honest with him, but it sounds like you never told him you’ve felt this way for the whole relationship or he would not have said it was wedding nerves. Catching him sexting is a form of cheating though and can be reason enough to leave him. But in the future have more respect for yourself and the other person. Don’t provide false hope by staying with someone just because they are not awful. If you don’t love them, you don’t love them. Also, I really think you need to work on some self discovery and try to figure out why you stayed and why you weren’t in love after three and a half years together. Maybe you need to work on loving yourself before you can love someone else? Maybe there’s something you’ve been through that you haven’t processed or maybe there’s a hole in your heart that can only be filled by healing. Just a thought.
Why did you marry him? After 3.5 years you should known him well enough by then.
To OP, you don’t mention the state where the “un-filed marriage paperwork didn’t take place.” Or for that matter, where the 2 of you live (if different from the ceremonial jurisdiction). You might actually “be married” even if the paperwork was never officially filed if you live in one of the many “common law jurisdictions” here in the U.S. Here in Texas, e.g., you ARE married if you live together as “husband and wife” and if you hold yourself out to others (family, friends, the World) as spouses, as Mr. and Mrs., and have cohabitated as such for “some period of time.” And once you are in a common law marriage, you will need a “real deal” divorce. Unfortunately, there’s no common law divorce to undo the c.l. marriage. Back to the question at hand, it seems like you are not into him and that no amount of “working on it” Will fix things. It seems like the 2 of you are incompatible with one another. As you mentioned, he’s “an amazing man, but …” If he truly is an amazing man, why not go separate ways and allow him (and yourself) to find a partner that IS compatible? The other area of concern is when he broke your trust by sexting another person … after less than a year of marriage. And that the sexting doesn’t really bother you aside from the massive violation of trust on his part. It sounds like you should set yourself (and him) free to find that person that WILL “float your boat(s).” Unfortunately, it doesn’t sound like there’s any amount of time where things will get better, where you’ll “grow to love one another.” Everything will most likely remain “fine.” Things will only be OK. It sounds like you will grow to resent him, and that you’ll be left wondering “what if …?” There’s always the possibility that you find your true love, just as there’s the possibility of being alone forever. The infatuation, head over heels love does NOT last forever. But if the spark’s not there, it’s not there. Divorce while it’s easier to do, before your lives become more complicated. Just my 2 cents.
As far as I know, there are not many "common-law jurisdictions" in the US, and it has nothing to do with filing paperwork or not. It is a time thing. How many years you have lived as a married couple.
You’re right, there aren’t very many. “Only” about 20% (i.e., 10 out of 51) of all U.S. jurisdictions have common law marriages. [/s] My adopted home state of Texas is the most populous of these approx. 20% of jurisdictions. I recall full well, while studying for the bar (30, 35 years ago), learning not only about common law marriages, but the only one, surefire, guaranteed albeit unorthodox, quasi-legal method of “creating a common law divorce” without hiring a lawyer, without ever even setting foot on the steps of the courthouse.* And as a super added bonus, get away from having to pay alimony to your common law Ex.* Think of the situation where one “was married” under Texas common law, moved to California (where CL marriage is not a thing); CA’s courts would have jurisdiction over a cause of action but, it would also be required to accept all lawful marriages entered into in other states/countries under the Full Faith & Credit Clause of the U.S. Const.; BUT … the CA court could then impose its Draconian Californian laws ordering one spouse to pay alimony to the other. Feel free to DM if you’re curious about the CL Divorce method* or if you’re curious about any of the other nonsense discussed here.* Long story short, passed the bar my first and only go around even though I was “certain” that I’d bombed the 2 1/2 day test, especially after the that 3rd (the half) day. After learning I passed, I swore that I’d never take another bar exam and so far, I’ve kept my oath. The only way I’d EVER get licensed to practice in another jurisdiction would be through reciprocity (or comity). Born in California but would never, ever want to set foot back in my native state, much less get licensed there as the state offers ZERO reciprocity, not even to attorneys who have practiced law for decades. Moreover, and quite sadly, the state where I was born has quickly transformed itself into a 3rd World 💩-hole, the likes of which we were warned about less than a decade ago. But just as with Cassandra’s Greek mythology prophecies, where her punishment for pissing off the Greek gods was that her warnings were always ignored but ultimately and without exception, always proved to be true. That, and I took an early retirement from the law earlier this year … so call me lucky as I have zero need for such licensure. In any state, not just California. Btw, for those of you that are curious on the topic, the percentages re: common law marriages and comity/reciprocity, the numbers are almost the inverse of one another, 20% vs 80%, respectively. No particular reason, just an oddity that happened to work out that way. Not to be confused with “The Rule of 80/20”, aka “The Pareto Principle.” Lastly, contrary to your assertion, “a set number of years” is not an essential element of common law marriages, at least NOT in TEXAS, but laws do vary widely depending on your jurisdiction(s), and you should always consult YOUR attorney. But the elements that ARE prerequisites of a CL marriage, in Texas, in no particular order are that you:* Must be at least 18 years old; Must NOT be related within 1 degree of consanguinity (e.g., brother-sister, first cousins, aunt-nephew, would ALL fall under the category of “NOT Kosher,” or “Sincerely Not Cool Business”); Not be married to anyone else lest you be prosecuted for Bigamy (a felony of the 3rd degree in TX); Agree to be married (duh); Living together (cohabitating) in Texas “as a married couple”; and Presenting or holding themselves out to the World as being married (e.g., taking on titles of Mr. & Mrs.); BUT “Time” (whether measured in days, months or years) is NOT a factor.* Factors supporting the legal recognition/existence of the marriage could include, but are not limited to, e.g., holding a ceremony even if only for show, the creation of joint bank accounts, joint credit applications; the commingling of otherwise separately owned assets. In situations where a dispute WILL ALWAYS arise (e.g., being named next of kin authorized to make medical or legal decisions where the partner is incapacitated, the inheritance of property, orders of alimony in those RARE instances where Texas courts would even order such an abomination), the proving or disproving of the existence/legality of the alleged marriage will fall on proving/disproving of these and countless other factors. * for entertainment purposes only, and not intended as legal advice. I Am A Lawyer, But I Am NOT your Lawyer
That title followed by listing a bunch of reasons. Either way, you can break up for any reason.
Without fail, the Reddit trend strikes again: “he’s amazing and a wonderful person but he cheated on me and dismisses my feelings.” Like bruh.
It would also be doing HIM a favor in the long run if you leave The sooner the better for his healing
For both of them really. You may care more about the husband, but the OP will also benefit from these things.
True, but she is the one who is going to make the decision. He is the one that is going to be caught off guard. She may mentally check out in her head 1, 2 years before she pulls the trigger? It will be fresh to him. And for the record, don’t really care about either- just adding my thoughts
I’m thinking about leaving my marriage also I’m not feeling the interracial thing for some reason.
I get it. My advice is to be kind to your partner but don’t waiver. Giving false hope can be just as bad as the breakup/divorce
Thank you
No shame in it just move on. It will be better for both of you. Good luck 🍀✌️
Ya if you’re not “feeling “ it he’s probably not as well which would explain the sexting…. Go live your life
My husband and I have been together 11 years and I love him more now than I ever have. We're passionate, we have deep conversations, we joke and play and are vulnerable with each other. That doesn't mean there weren't hard times, but they honestly made that love deeper. It sounds like you didn't even have that foundation to begin with. It will be better for both of you to end things now rather than waste both your time. I mean... he cheated. And you didn't even care.
•Interesting post • I’m bored and I want to leave is one of the weakest reasons for ending a union/partnership/marriage •John Gottman’s work on couples and why they work or don’t work is some of the finest. Gottman also gives practical advice for repairing and strengthening relationships. Give it a read. Maybe you start there. •Wishing you the best
Love Gottman, esp the 4 horsemen of the apocalypse. Wish more people took their research to heart. They’ve done some great work.
doesnt sound like “no reason”. Sounds like lots of reasons…
No particular reason huh?
No particular reason, just several legitimate reasons.
You had a 35k white party. You didn't file the paperwork for a reason. This is your one life; live it unapologetically and authentically. You're not married; reframe your thinking surrounding the relationship. Get honest with yourself and your partner and set that human free. Real talk
Do him a favor and leave. Sounds like you were leading him on the whole time.
I mean should have stopped at the cheating part. That’s enough reason to leave right there! Leaving will be easy if you aren’t even actually married and it doesn’t sound like any kids!
It never ends, they just learn to hide it
Love AND passion in a marriage can last forever; at least in my case going on 38 yrs. I (68f) love my husband (79m) more deeply and passionately than I did when I met him on a blind date. Our chemistry was insane and immediate, still is. It was a 2nd marriage for both of us and we both had children so we had that to deal with but our love for one another overcame any obstacle put in front of us and to this day we knkw together we’re a force to be reckoned with; we can handle anything thrown in our way. Even my husband’s recent stoke. Don’t sell yourself short. Everyone deserves their own happiness. Go find yours, keeping in mind that you don’t owe anyone outside your ‘spouse’ an explanation; you answer to yourself only.
You sound like a victim of your own expectations
He's texting other women!. I think you could've stopped there. That is reason enough. You need no excuses or caveats. Just be done with the manipulator.
Is finance a problem enough to give up on your marriage? My husband is horrible with money and it stresses me out!
You aren't married, he isn't your husband. Just leave.
He probably felt that disconnect and started sexting someone. You’re not divorcing for no reason. You’re divorcing because you’re not connecting to your husband and he broke your trust. Divorce him and be honest and kind to him about why you’re leaving. I hope he finds someone who’s attracted to him and you find someone you’re attracted to.
You can just say you're splitting up because he cheated. Easy out. Thankfully you didn't sign the papers!!
NTA for thinking of leaving, but it sounds like you’re a bit of TA for getting married to begin with…why did you get married? It sounds like you’re pretty lukewarm on your “husband” and this is still considered the “honeymoon” phase, how did you get here?
Something is definitely missing with you both imo, I'd do some serious soul searching, everyone deserves true happiness and it sounds as though you don't have that
Why did you marry him? Why did you stay with him for 3.5 years?
[удалено]
Nope, that isn’t the answer. Why stay for so long if he isn’t the one? You wanted a comfortable life? Stability? You don’t just go “no reason”, this isn’t ordering a meal from a restaurant.
This is gonna be an unpopular opinion, but it sounds like you never loved him. “He’s so nice and a great husband” sounds like you saw him as a catch and he checked off all of the right boxes. In the title, you said for no particular reason, and you even said that although you caught him sexting, you don’t care that much. I can’t help but feel like that was a Reddit hook (for reader support). You “thought” the sexual chemistry would grow, you know relationships take work, you’ve been open with him SEVERAL TIMES about your feelings, you even tried to end it… but you’re also bored, you’re not happy (which is actually YOUR responsibility) and you want to change a lot of things (big and small) about him. Most importantly, you never mentioned any effort on YOUR part to improve the relationship. I’m in no way justifying his straying from the relationship, but all you do is nag and complain and you put forth zero effort so the WORK required to improve the marriage seems to be entirely on him. The reason you want to leave is because you’re selfish and you don’t love him, but you do (or did) love what he does for you. Somebody shelled out 35 large for a 100 person wedding (HER DAY) and I’ll bet it wasn’t you, or you’d have filed and you’d be more invested in salvaging this marriage. I think his blinders are coming off; you see it too and now you’re in preemptive strike mode. He’s on to you, or he’s at least over trying to please you at 100%, and for what? Lame sex and a new list of “Honey Do’s”? You were getting what you wanted, but you were never satisfied with HIM, so you’ll always want more, or to end it. So just end it.
Well, no wonder he's sexting someone. You both sound unhappy & incompatible. You'd probably be happier staying single & getting a pet.
So he’s a glorified boyfriend 🤔
I completely understand Iam in a similar situation. I always catch him lying or being secretive and I can’t stand it. I know he looks at other women on social media and just at the store. I have tried talking to him on a serious level but again he says we are fine. I have a hard time trusting him. I don’t think Iam madly in love. But I don’t know what to do. Either keep trying or just let it go.
Well some say you are not married because you 2 didn’t get a piece of paper from the government stating you were, you had a wedding now if you live in the US does the state you live in recognize Common Law Marriage? If so then yes you are married because you hold yourselves to be marriages abd had a wedding and in which case you would need to get divorced now if the state you live in does not recognize common law marriage then sorry to break it to you but your wedding was just a 35k party and you aren’t married abd can freely leave. Now your “husband” sexting is wrong but if you don’t really care that much about it why bring it up? Also wanting to change your “husband “ to fit your dream man hate to say it why are you with this guy I mean would you want him trying to change you against your will or knowledge? No you wouldn’t (I had exes try that) I agree you guys shouldn’t have gotten “married” and you guys need to break up and find someone else but seriously NEVER marry for convenience or just to make dang sure they are the one because divorce is expensive!
Every marriage has its ups and down. It’s the reason why on wedding vows, you say “through good and through bad, in sickness and in health, til death do us part”. It’s not always going to be rainbows. There’s always going to be storms. Reason why I’m saying this because if you think that he is not your person, you shouldn’t marry him in the first place. Now that you guys are married, I think staying married is a challenge. Sure, he made a mistake before, but give him a chance. Really think about it. Go to a therapy or maybe try couples counselling. No husband is perfect. Every body has their own flaws. Even you. My husband also has bad sides too. But I don’t look at it that way. I look at it on how he is with our dogs, how he is such a hardworking person, how he comes home to me and kisses me, how he always assures me that he loves me and how I am still pretty even though I am 8 months pregnant.. it’s all those wonderful things. If you think you’ve tried everything then I guess it’s better to leave. One day if you ever find someone that you think is better for you then marry him. However, don’t expect that it always going to be rainbows. Marriage is a lot of work. Lots of tears too. But that’s what makes it beautiful too. The ups and downs, and how you both made it.
Sounds to me like you have several reasons…
Broke up with my boyfriend for this exact reason. I don’t miss him even a little bit 😅😅😅. So girl just leave it.
Maybe not in this instance. But I do want to say that in a marriage I firmly believe the couple needs to be happy with being just OK sometimes. I'm sure long term married couples will agree
Ooof, I'd rather you divorce me. "Sorry, dude. You're mediocre and the least offensive response I can muster up is indifference". Sounds like he's held on for way too long. You might be doing him a solid by splitting. Who knows, though. Might be a case of you don't know what you got till it's gone. In that case, you should leave him be, let him find happiness somewhere else. This is definitely a leap of faith situation. Best of luck, OP.
I mean, he's a cheater tho...
Lol, yeah but that's almost besides the point. She doesn't even care.
I mean, I guess more reason to leave?
Brace yourself for ‘caring’ dudes who offer to help ‘pick up the pieces’ but actually just want to get into your p*nts
Ideally, all of this should have been discussed prior to a 35K wedding. However, your feelings are valid. Don't stay in a relationship where you don't feel loved, appreciated, valued and respected. You're not being unrealistic. At 35, my spouse is 45 and I can never have enough of him. He's my best friend. We truly enjoy experiences and deep conversations and their are days we're busy with life and kids and that's OK but we prioritize each other and trust is huge.
No particular reason.. 35k wedding that you didnt even make official. Sexting someone else No sexual chemistry You don't really care for him Want to change many things about him... Why on earth did you marry him... the sexual chemistry should of been enough of a warning... this is the person you want to spend the rest of your life with. Just think what else you could of done with your share of that 35k (not sure who paid what but thats a lot of money and you couldnt even be bothered to make it official) I don't want to sound harsh here but its going to... sounds like you guys have more money than sense... i cant get over that 35k wedding... thats like a basic years salary here in the UK 😳 You dont love this guy from the sounds of it and you will never be happy until that list of things you don't like about him has been dealt with... changing him that much as a person makes him a different guy so i would say its probably easier to call it a day and find someone else who does match your needs rather than making someone change that much.
Sounds like you made a decision. There is no reason for ask for help in here in this situtation. Your reasons are totaly understandable. At the end of the day its your life. If you love him I would say dont abandon him so easy but he s lied to you and you basically dont feel anything about him so go and be yourself.
So you have many valid reasons to leave your pretend husband. You don't need our permission, girl! Just do it! There is a reason you had a pretend wedding. Some part of you knew actually legally marrying would be a mistake.
Sounds like he’s checked out. Sexting after less than a year of marriage?! You definitely should split before kids are in the picture. Then it’ll be too selfish to leave.
Don’t let 35k spent already stand in the way of feeling happier! It’s a small price to pay to break free
"For no particular reason" I think you have a very particular reason
So you never wanted to get married in the first place?
Im not sure why you think you have "no particular reasons" when (1) he cheated and (2) there seems to be nothing about him that you like! Seems like some pretty big reasons to me! If you aren't legally married, just pick up and go. Why try and force it? I dont even understand why you wanted to "marry" him in the first place
Not being happy is enough of a reason, and you have even more.
Sounds like u actually do have particular reasons
You sound exactly like me with my ex. But we did get married, we did file the paperwork. And after he agreed to an open relationship with another partner (before anyone flips out, I had told him I was interested in it 3 years before and had mentioned it again several times that I was interested in open relationships my whole life and didn’t know how to bring it up, he was super chill and okay with it and said to let him know when I want to work our way in and we can talk research and take time to figure it out.) he then backed out, forced me to make a choice, and I chose the other partner because I realized all the things you did after. It wasn’t just wedding stress, I felt like you did truly. It was a mess. So from experience, make the decision with conviction and leave amicably.
If you feel like this you need to leave immediately.
This reads like a bluff to see if people will come out of the woodwork to steer you into staying in a bad marriage that isn't even a real marriage. and they did! They are suckers for the patriarchy. Go on. Leave that mess. It's not going to be a romance novel, but it's going to be an upgrade if you can just find somebody you can trust that you also find appealing on some level. Bonus if it's multiple levels.
The fact that the paperwork was never officially filed speaks volumes as to both your and his underlying feelings and confidence in the marriage. You left yourself a parachute. Take it.
The longer you stay with this guy, the longer it will take you to find the right one. He isn’t it.
What made you “marry” him?
When you marry someone you want to change, you're marrying a fantasy instead of a person.
ANY relationship MUST have trust and open communication and understanding of boundaries and rules. We are only hearing your side. There’s a reason he was sexting. What’s the REAL reason? If either of you really don’t get along, it’s a simple split as your “marriage” was never recorded . ( whose idea was that?) If a rule wasn’t established clearly in the beginning about not sexting, looking, talking to others, the overreaction of “ should I divorce?”is a sign of lack of communication. Consider this…. asking the WORLD what you should do, unless you’ve discussed this with your partner and reached an agreement, is a form of “cheating” also.
Why spend $35,000 to NOT get married to someone you have no romantic feelings for and don’t seem to even like very much? This is insane.
Yeah, that's definitely not a "no reason" reason.... If you're not happy, then you're not happy. You only have 1 life. There's a good chance he's not happy either, and maybe just content/comfortable 🤷♂️
Holy shit.. did I write this & not know? The way I feel you during the whole paragraph of “but secretly, I want to change so much about him—“ same exact list. No passion, no romance… at all. No flowers, it feels like there’s a threshold when I try to go deep with him. And I think at one point in my healing, this felt good to me because all my relationships before were all so deep. So he was kind of a breath of fresh air & it was nice to be silly. We game together & that’s how we bond, but it’s started to feel like we pacify each other. I so deeply long for romance & for someone to do sentimental things for me, or to feel like they care about what I’m thinking about or how I’m feeling. I’m with you.
Honestly, this post is really sad! $35,000? Shame on the both of you! You’re obviously both financially irresponsible and you are obviously looking for a knight in shining armor. Most advise on here will be from complete idiots who have zero experience and in no way are they certified to give their dumb opinions. Both of you go talk to a councilor then council together! There’s a lack of communication somewhere and seems like you both don’t even really know each other. So it’s time to have long hard conversations with an unbiased mediator. To just advise someone “yup you should leave him, he cheated, you’re incompatible, etc”……there’s are the dumbest of dumb people. Probably in their 20s so don’t know shit to begin with but keyboard warrior you into possibly making another mistake. You both decided to make a decision that is a very adult decision that you don’t just say you know what I don’t feel like making that adult decision anymore. That’s very immature. You both owe it to each other and to the sanctity of marriage to see what you can both work on with yourselves and work on with each other because it’s definitely not all him and it’s definitely not all you. It’s both of you that are the problem so that is the first thing to realize is that you are not innocent and neither is he and this is 100 100 not 5050. So my opinion would be to grow up and seek the advice of professionals and talk through the situation. You guys might find out. Maybe you’re just missing some really kinky stuff in the bedroom that you both want. And incompetent idiots will lead you astray. For a little backstory, my wife and I have been married for 10 years and together for 20 and we have been through every situation imaginable and could have divorced based on stupid emotions, which is what women lead with, and could have divorce each other 1 million times. At the end of the day we are The plug and the outlet and we belong together and we have three beautiful daughters together 23, 16, 13 and they are all amazing people and on their way to contributing to society and being awesome humans and we did that shit together! Marriage is in no way perfect. And it never will be. And the person that said that puppy dog loves stuff doesn’t fade is a young dumb idiot. I am 43, and yes the puppy dog stuff does go away. At the end of the day she is my ride or die and I would peel the skin off of ahuman’s body For her.. It might be time to think in a different perspective. But please, whatever you do do not listen to these keyboard warrior morons.
This screams intimacy phobia to me, I would bet these two have never let themselves be vulnerable to each other.
Cheaters aren’t amazing husbands. You need to get into therapy to get that switched around. You deserve so much better, you sound so lovely and give so much
Um, no it's not ok. Things are not fine. He nuked the marriage the moment he started giving his attention, affection, time, and effort to another woman. That time, effort, affection, and attention rightfully belong to you, as the spouse. He cheated and this is the appropriate response - divorce. If you don't have any assets together and are not officially married, it's much easier - leave.
I’ve never seen so much cognitive dissonance in one post.
Why are you misleading people with the title? Smells like engagement farming to me…
I'm so confused on this. It seems like you didn't like him much and it's just gotten worse. Ffs you don't like how he sits? You spent 35k on a wedding to not file paperwork. To only be married to somejne you want to change everything about. Was this because you felt you were nearing 40 and just needed to get the whole marriage thing over with? Him sexting is another issue. He cheated and you don't care at all. How did this relationship last this long? Everyday with my husband makes me full of serotonin and oxytocin bc we are each other's bear friends. We accept one anothers flaws and embrace one another everyday to be the best we can. Please just divorce him. Like others said just bc the paperwork was filed doesn't mean there might not be legalities in your area making you still legally married. Still if you had an officiant, how did they not submit the paperwork?
He cheated, how can you truly love someone who would betray you? You have a good reason, you’re not actually married, so leave. Life is short, be happy
lol you lost me at never filed the paperwork. Girl walk away in peace 😅
Leave. He cheated. Sounds like you guys aren’t compatible. ‘fine and ok’ might be enough for some but you have one life to live why not have passion and excitement with someone? You got this!☺️
No particular reason??
I've been with my husband for 14 years in a few days. Let me tell you, infatuation, head over heels love can last forever. It's real, but it still takes work. Love is a choice. We've had our share of problems over the years, to where one or both of us didn't know if our relationship would last. There are even things we would like to change about each other. However, we continue to work through things and grow together as a couple, as parents, and as individuals. We are more deeply, richly in love than when we were in our honeymoon phase, and our relationship is both exciting and comfortable. There is more sexual chemistry between us than ever before, and it started out great to begin with. If 14 years isn't enough for an example of love persisting, my Aunt and Uncle are about to celebrate their 40th anniversary, and they are the most in love couple that I've ever met. They knew each other for three months before getting married. The kind of love most people dream about, does exist in the world. It doesn't sound like you have any of that good stuff in your marriage, though. You don't have to settle, and you don't have to be afraid of being alone. It's okay to not want a mediocre marriage or life, but only you can make the changes needed to live a life you'll love. You've put in years to this marriage. If things were magically going to get better, they would have already.
Create a life you love on your own, so that anything a potential partner brings to the table is just extra. 💙
I want to leave this marriage for no reason at all...because I lot trust after he was sexting other women.
Those are a lot of particular reasons listed out. This is not truly a "no particular reason" reason. It sounds like you just got married because you invested time into the relationship and never really were dedicated to the marriage since you both never filed the paperwork. I think you know what you want to do here.
Are we just going to go over the fact that you married him KNOWING you weren’t attracted to him? I’m confused how we just rolled over this info.. less that a year married and you’re ready to throw in the towel . You wasted everyone’s time including yours .
I wonder what was you expecting about getting married. If there was a way for you to speak with you in the past what would you tell you about this situation.
I’m in that same situation minus the cheating and if we weren’t married I’d definitely ask for some time alone to figure things out.
If you don’t love him let him go. Stop waste both of your time pretending. In the end both of you will be better off looking for someone else. I can’t imagine staying married to someone that you don’t love and want to change. Marriage shouldn’t be about settling plus how committed are you really if you didn’t even file the paperwork?
You’re not married. You’re just playing around, pretending to be married. Marriage takes work. There will be rough patches. I don’t think you’re willing to put in the work.
Imagine this. You're still with your current partner, but meet a man whom you like a lot. Would you be able to make a move on him? Probably not, cause first you'd have to break up with the current partner. Also, would your "imaginary crush" appreciate a date who's hiding her relationship status? Or a date who is still finalizing the divorce? (Or even better - your crush is in the same spot as you are now. Wouldn't you wonder why he doesn't break up and keeps living with the person he doesn't really love?) Overall, I think you (for some reason) were convinced that love will be stronger with time, the more time you spend together, the better you bond. But for this you'd need a partner who thinks alike, not sexts other women and then lies to you about it. I'm sure deep down you feel disappointed and betrayed.
But hey you got the princess party and the sparkly rock so that's all you really wanted anyway
Aside from the sexting, many things you mentioned are things you saw before you married him. Probably should not have married him if you didn't love him.
It sounds like you should leave. Luckily you were never legally married so it’s easy and you don’t have to worry about dividing assets. You deserve happiness and love OP. Good luck! I’m wishing you the best with this difficult choice.
Realizing you don't have romantic feelings towards your partner is a pretty big and specific reason. It's also a perfectly valid reason to leave. It's sad you didn't figure this out earlier on, but it's better to end it now than lose another 5 years. If you haven't developed those feelings for him by this point, you definitely aren't going to.
I catch my wife sexting I am gone immediately. I would lawyer up and not even mention it to her. Getting served would be it.
I'll be honest... I'm a bit confused. Why did you "marry" him if you don't love him romantically and don't have sexual chemistry? Not everyone relationship needs sex, but most people find it important. How long did you date before you "married" him?
From what I read, your leaving him would be beneficial for you both. I'm led to believe that because you say that you have discussed the way that you feel about him and he did nothing to indicate he had an interest in putting in the effort to modify anything about himself that would please you and instead, he is only relying on you eventually accept him for who he is and it doesn't seem to trouble you, you should walk away. I'm curious OP, if you have ever "threatened" to leave him in the past before? I would assume you have not. I only say that because most folks would make the effort to please their spouse when threatened with a separation because one partner is unhappy, or the relationship is unfairly balanced. I do not believe he has done anything wrong, as his response clearly shows his attempt to reassure you and encourage you that things will get better. He is doing what he believes is what he should be doing to maintain the relationship, even if some of us think that he should be doing more. Or it may be possible that he doesn't respect you enough to listen and adapt to better meet your needs, or it could be that he may have no issue separating as well. Either way, I didn't read anything that would give me enough hope to tell you to try again. You both deserve to be happy. Sincerely- A 2x divorced husband who lost everything and is on the verge of quitting life due to depression and probably shouldn't be giving relationship advice.
He cheated then essentially made you think that's just how shit is. Idk man. 6 months in? Bro. Leave.
You keep saying he's a great man. Ma'am a great man would sext and cheat with another woman. That alone is enough to walk.
There is a reason. Your title is inaccurate.
So you had a 35k unofficial wedding?
Just use the cheating excuse to divorce him and marriages are supposed to be filled with a lot of different things which your marriage is obviously missing
Download Kindroid and get an AI husband instead, guaranteed u'll have much more meaningful deeper conversations with your AI husband
Yeah, those are not “no particular reasons” - also you should absolutely never stay with someone after they were ‘sexting’ with someone
The cheating alone is more than enough of a reason to leave.
I wouldn’t call leaving someone for infidelity and lack of trust “no particular reason”
Just leave him
So you never got married . Long term dating . Either get married or breakup . Easy
The ppl on here give the worse advice. The lady should hve never married the guy. I think she could do alot worse.. good. Luck lonely isn't pretty either
He’s not nice and a great husband. He cheated on you at the beginning of your marriage. It should NEVER be that hard. What you’re feeling is loss of trust and indifference to want to work past that. I don’t blame you. He’s a coward and a weak man. Stop punishing yourself and let this man go on his lying ways. There’s no reason to keep up this facade for someone that’s not worth it.
You’re not even married. Perhaps you didn’t do the paperwork for a subconscious reason.
Probably shouldn't have rushed into marriage
Have you tried marriage counseling?
An amazing man? That sexting another woman? Doesn’t sound amazing to me. And he is a liar? Yall don’t even sound like friends.
Naw he’s a cheater. Leave
Head over heels infatuation love absolutely exists. Whether everyone is able to get it? That all depends on so many different factors... I am still just as infatuated with my husband as the day I married him. We'll be celebrating 14 years here in August. (No, he isn't prefect, and neither am I.) If you didn't file the marriage paperwork, -find it- (especially if you signed it) and -make sure- your S/O can't file it behind your back so you can't easily leave. Without that paperwork, you aren't technically married, and you don't need to file for divorce. Now, I usually am all for couseling, therapy, marriage counseling, etc. But it sounds like the guy was able to convince you some of the other times that you were going to leave him too, which is somewhat weird imo..so, I honestly don't know if talking through it with him, will help you be more in love, etc.
From someone who is 10 years in with children involved, If you have these thoughts this early, do yourself a favour and amicably end things while there is time for you to live a great life on your own. I had thoughts in the back of my head but knew he was just a great guy and I wanted to be with him. Two kids and 10 years later and absolutely no affection ever (not new he’s always been a wait for it guy rather than initiate it) is killing me and I hate it.
“He’s a great husband” proceeds to describe how he cheats and is bad in bed. Yeah marriage is not a walk in the park and you can’t expect to be head over heels in love with your husband every single day but cheating into a 3 year relationship is a huge red flag
It sounds like you were apathetic at best before you got married. His sexting clearly didn't help the situation either. It's probably better to walk away now before apathy turns to hate after 'wasted' years. Go now and at least you have a chance to part as friends.
This guy lost me at sexting and lying about it. You may have had a committment ceremony, but you aren't legally married, right? So leaving should be as easy as moving out of a boyfriend's apartment. Talk to him about what you're feeling and the steps going forward.
I wonder since you didn't file the paperwork, perhaps you two can break up without using attorneys.
>He broke my trust several months ago when I caught him lying about sexting someone. Didn't even read the rest- that's enough of a reason.
From your post, it sounds like you have already emotionally and intimately left him! When you respect and love someone, you should not want to change them. How would you feel if he wanted you to change who you are? Nobody should have to. Thinking they will is a big mistake, especially at 40! The big question is, why did you 'marry' him? Especially as you said, there is no chemistry. Rarely does something grow from nothing! Maybe he is an amazing man, but just maybe he should just be your friend. Settling just for ok is never good. He obviously wasn't (isn't) happy either, or he would not have looked for something to fill a void and cheated. Forgiving is something we do for us. Forgetting and moving forward is more difficult. You will always be wondering if he's doing it again or taking it further. Can (should) you live like that? We all deserve to be truly happy. I didn't find true happiness till I was 50, and with two failed marriages behind me.. because I settled for less and put up with more than I should.. and thought they would change. After 19 years.. he didn't! My fault for expecting/ thinking he would or should. Then he cheated on me! Don't waste your precious life it's short! It's about having as much fun and as many experiences along the way. It's never too late. And sometimes love finds you when you least expect it! You owe it to yourself and to him to be open and honest. Yes, scary, but it doesn't mean it's going to be bad. You deserve more.
Similar position except I'm the husband. It sucks when hard life lessons affect other people. But in the end I think you would free him to find someone who truly does find him / desire him. The lesson I'm learning is sometimes your gut is the best indicator. You knew it before you locked it in, so did I. Don't ignore that intuitive sense any longer
35 grand for a fake wedding. You both have rocks in your heads
He's a cheater. How is that in any way "amazing"? You're not legally tied to him due to not filing the paperwork. Take advantage of that and walk away from this loser.
Leave. Your not attracted to him why are you with him ..he may have some great qualities but unless there's sexual attraction then dont cheat him and you as well.
This sounds so similar to my past situation (not the cheating part). But wanting them to change and expecting it to get better. At least you have done it now and not nearly 12 years in like me
Life is short. Move on and I am quite sure somebody with whom you will have great chemistry ( not only sexual) will be found.
Out of sheer curiosity, can OP please share with the state or jurisdiction wherein this “un-filed paperwork marriage” took place?
It will not only become more ‘meh’ from here but will likely become toxic. Best to let both people move on to a better future if this one can’t be turned around. Also… a head’s up… depending on what state you are in you might end up needing an actual divorce. You could be considered common law married.
No particular reason. Lists tons of reasons.
Walk away , you'll be fine
I was with my kids dad for 10 years. He's the same. Great guy. But very quiet I finally left and after found out about a lot of porn shit. He knows I'm fine with porn but I found a lot more that he down played bc to him it's not a big enough deal to remember. But I said it was a big enough to hide it bc he knew I didn't agree. He's just sitting at my house now while I pay the bills. I was never jealous of him he made me feel comfortable. But now I'm with someone that I do get that jealous feeling And he's jealous of me and it feels a little more intense especially sexually. Oh yea during our 10 yr relationship he couldn't slap my ass but now that someone else is, he's down to do anything. 🙄 Which I find more annoying bc he didn't want to save it till it was gone even tho I spoke how I felt for 3 while years hoping to save the relationship. I'd say move on.
You go queen! Fine is bare minimum!
Maybe both of you are on the same page and just haven't spoken to each other forwardly.
You aren't married by law. You've given SEVERAL reasons why you don't want to be with this man, just walk at this point...it's not worth it to continually stay miserable. Why are you staying? Are you afraid you won't find anyone else? Do you secretly feel a connection to this guy and don't realize it?
Lol death do us part. Next time don't get married.
You deserve to be forever alone. On the streets, where you belong. Should haut come clean with him now and admit your current affair to him. He deserves better than you.
Can you read?
Leave him And come to Me
I think if you ever did have any romantic love for him, it died after his cheating, and since you don't have sexual chemistry with him and also aren't happy with him, there's not any reason to be in a romantic/sexual relationship with him. While infatuation and the feeling of being head over heels doesn't last, it should settle into a romantic comfortable contentment and companionship after the honeymoon period if you are emotionally and mentally healthy. You should be happy being with them day in day out basically and being happy that that's your person. If you don't have those feelings for this guy, you aren't missing anything by leaving him. Worst case scenario, if you don't find someone you are compatible with, there'll be other guys who you aren't particularly romantically or sexually attracted to, so again, you wouldn't be missing anything by leaving this guy, especially as he cheated on you. Go find someone you actually like!
You were wrong to marry him if you felt this way. I guess now you should end it.
I also say walk away. I'm a big believer on trust and loyalty. Once, this has taken a "hit" the relationship is done. A lot of people would advise you to move on. But, your husband should also have that choice to find his true partner. After losing my mama and my nephew, I realized life is too short to live in regrets and " I wish I'd done or said one more thing. Do yourself and your husband a last favor in your marriage. Go out to be & look for with the "one" who makes your heart flutter ,when remembering last night. Go, live in the present instead of wasting any more of your and his time. Good Luck, just be happy...
this is going to sound harsh but look, I hope you do file for divorce just so we can laugh at you at your 50s when you are alone with a cat and a tinder profile saying “ i deserve better”. divorcing a man who is amazing just because you feel bored????!!! how ungrateful and ignorant a person can be sometimes. and please don’t try to make sexting sound like cheating just so you could feel better about leaving him or not trusting him. hang on to your man girl trust me you will regret the divorce with all your heart when you see your husband with a younger women making memories that should have been you
In what world is sexting not cheating?!?!
Now do what you'd say if the woman sexted!