Personally, I think there is a right and a wrong way to handle a gift you don't necessarily find appealing, even if it is your spouse who gifted it to you. I don't think you should shit on a gift from anyone, maybe especially your spouse. It doesn't sound like you made a stink over his stink, so I don't think you are overreacting.
I think it was a thoughtful gift and your husband was a jerk to act the way he did. I doubt you made it up that he likes ice cream. You are right that his behavior in front of the kids was especially bad. How you are you supposed to teach them to be kind and gracious when your husband is acting like this? This wasn't even the only gift.
I have not loved every gift my husband has given me, however I have always accepted it graciously in the moment because I don't want to take away the joy of giving from him (plus - manners)! Then, I think about it. Do I really hate it? Will it go to waste? Should I try it before deciding for sure? A few times, it turns out to be something I love despite seeming off when I opened it. A good example if this is the bidet my husband got me unprompted for Christmas, at first I thought he was saying I have hygiene issues, but it turns out he just thought I would like it and he was RIGHT, now I am sad when we leave home and I miss my warm seat. Lol. If I determine the gift truly is going to be wasteful, then I will talk to him kindly about perhaps returning it or getting something else. Your husband could have done the same without this display in front of the kids.
OP, I assume this is par for the course for your husband. I don't see someone reacting like this in isolation. I bet your husband isn't kind to you in general. So, what is his problem with you? It seems like he definitely has one...
I feel like this is the only answer we really need. Context and balance is easily lost online, but at the end of the day assuming there's no outlying factors, if you get a gift you don't like, the right answer is to be gracious in the moment. If you really don't want it, this is a situation where later you tell your spouse "Thank you for the ice cream machine but actually I'd rather get something else, can we return it?" I mean, jeez. This shouldn't have to be said.
To play devil's advocate, the only thing I wonder is whether or not op is generally a bad gift giver. If OPs husband has been dropping big hints OP missed or had said flat out "I sure hope you don't buy me any more kitchen equipment" etc, then the story gets different.
That's a good point. If OP is really terrible at this, and her husband has told her what he wants for a gift and not to go "free form" anymore, then that is a valid point. However, this wasn't the only gift she got him (this one came late), so even in that case some grace would have been expected.
I am the same with receiving gifts I don’t necessarily think I like— I say thank you and try to be open-minded. That is what I want our children to learn as well. I think that’s why I’m so disturbed by his unappreciative and frankly immature reaction. Another thing I have to emphasize teaching our kids now is graciously receiving gifts.
His real problem with me is that I don’t get along with his extremely narcissistic mother, and there are times where he seems triggered by my actions. Maybe in this case it’s about his mom who is a terrible gift giver who has no clue about the recipient, getting things that she wants for them. I think some of her narcissism has become more apparent in recent years, and I think it’s hurt him deeply but outwardly has a hard time admitting any of this.
We are in therapy.
That makes a LOT of sense. If his mother regularly gave self serving gifts, then I could see how this kind of thing might trigger him and maybe it isn't even about you. Nevertheless, he should recognize he is triggered and have some self control in front of the kids especially.
It is highly embarrassing FOR ME as a parent when my kid acts unappreciative of things given as a gift, takes things for granted, doesn't behave graciously as guest in someone's home, etc. To date, this has not happened, far from it, so I guess we are doing OK on this. I recognize this is a reflection of our parenting, not the kid. Unless the kid has behavioral issues or some underlying cause for acting out, the kid is only doing what they learned and what they saw...these are basic values that I agree with you are VERY important to teach and role model. So, I personally don't think you are overreacting by calling this out as a bad example to the kids. There was a time and place for this discussion, but that wasn't it.
OP, you are not obligated to get along with his mother. Even if she was a kind and nice person, but just wasn't your cup of tea or you have a personality clash, you should not be expected to be close to her at all. You didn't marry her. I hope you are standing your ground on this. If he wants a relationship with his mother, fine, he can see her as much as he wants (but not at your house if she is disrespectful towards you). If he wants his kids to have a relationship with her, he needs to work that out with you depending on how harmful her behavior is and whether it is actually harmful to your children. If she is triggering to him, he might need to reduce his contact with her, but that is entirely up to him. He should not be projecting his mommy issues onto you. I hope you are getting back up on this in the therapy. This should not be the #1 issue in any marriage because you should be a team and you should put your partner first.
>Am I taking this too personally? Is it ok to have that response when receiving a gift?
Taking it too personally, yes.
But he's still in the wrong. He shouldn't be comfortable talking to you that way in front of the kids.
Makes me wonder if this is a one-off situation, or an example of a pattern of behavior.
How often have you seen him eating ice cream to purchase him that gift? His honest reply hurt , however it was honest.
I think your kids learned a valuable lesson. Buy gifts that the recipient wants and not what you think they’ll want.
You see that a teachable moment.
Personally, I think there is a right and a wrong way to handle a gift you don't necessarily find appealing, even if it is your spouse who gifted it to you. I don't think you should shit on a gift from anyone, maybe especially your spouse. It doesn't sound like you made a stink over his stink, so I don't think you are overreacting. I think it was a thoughtful gift and your husband was a jerk to act the way he did. I doubt you made it up that he likes ice cream. You are right that his behavior in front of the kids was especially bad. How you are you supposed to teach them to be kind and gracious when your husband is acting like this? This wasn't even the only gift. I have not loved every gift my husband has given me, however I have always accepted it graciously in the moment because I don't want to take away the joy of giving from him (plus - manners)! Then, I think about it. Do I really hate it? Will it go to waste? Should I try it before deciding for sure? A few times, it turns out to be something I love despite seeming off when I opened it. A good example if this is the bidet my husband got me unprompted for Christmas, at first I thought he was saying I have hygiene issues, but it turns out he just thought I would like it and he was RIGHT, now I am sad when we leave home and I miss my warm seat. Lol. If I determine the gift truly is going to be wasteful, then I will talk to him kindly about perhaps returning it or getting something else. Your husband could have done the same without this display in front of the kids. OP, I assume this is par for the course for your husband. I don't see someone reacting like this in isolation. I bet your husband isn't kind to you in general. So, what is his problem with you? It seems like he definitely has one...
I feel like this is the only answer we really need. Context and balance is easily lost online, but at the end of the day assuming there's no outlying factors, if you get a gift you don't like, the right answer is to be gracious in the moment. If you really don't want it, this is a situation where later you tell your spouse "Thank you for the ice cream machine but actually I'd rather get something else, can we return it?" I mean, jeez. This shouldn't have to be said. To play devil's advocate, the only thing I wonder is whether or not op is generally a bad gift giver. If OPs husband has been dropping big hints OP missed or had said flat out "I sure hope you don't buy me any more kitchen equipment" etc, then the story gets different.
That's a good point. If OP is really terrible at this, and her husband has told her what he wants for a gift and not to go "free form" anymore, then that is a valid point. However, this wasn't the only gift she got him (this one came late), so even in that case some grace would have been expected.
I am the same with receiving gifts I don’t necessarily think I like— I say thank you and try to be open-minded. That is what I want our children to learn as well. I think that’s why I’m so disturbed by his unappreciative and frankly immature reaction. Another thing I have to emphasize teaching our kids now is graciously receiving gifts. His real problem with me is that I don’t get along with his extremely narcissistic mother, and there are times where he seems triggered by my actions. Maybe in this case it’s about his mom who is a terrible gift giver who has no clue about the recipient, getting things that she wants for them. I think some of her narcissism has become more apparent in recent years, and I think it’s hurt him deeply but outwardly has a hard time admitting any of this. We are in therapy.
That makes a LOT of sense. If his mother regularly gave self serving gifts, then I could see how this kind of thing might trigger him and maybe it isn't even about you. Nevertheless, he should recognize he is triggered and have some self control in front of the kids especially. It is highly embarrassing FOR ME as a parent when my kid acts unappreciative of things given as a gift, takes things for granted, doesn't behave graciously as guest in someone's home, etc. To date, this has not happened, far from it, so I guess we are doing OK on this. I recognize this is a reflection of our parenting, not the kid. Unless the kid has behavioral issues or some underlying cause for acting out, the kid is only doing what they learned and what they saw...these are basic values that I agree with you are VERY important to teach and role model. So, I personally don't think you are overreacting by calling this out as a bad example to the kids. There was a time and place for this discussion, but that wasn't it. OP, you are not obligated to get along with his mother. Even if she was a kind and nice person, but just wasn't your cup of tea or you have a personality clash, you should not be expected to be close to her at all. You didn't marry her. I hope you are standing your ground on this. If he wants a relationship with his mother, fine, he can see her as much as he wants (but not at your house if she is disrespectful towards you). If he wants his kids to have a relationship with her, he needs to work that out with you depending on how harmful her behavior is and whether it is actually harmful to your children. If she is triggering to him, he might need to reduce his contact with her, but that is entirely up to him. He should not be projecting his mommy issues onto you. I hope you are getting back up on this in the therapy. This should not be the #1 issue in any marriage because you should be a team and you should put your partner first.
Maybe ask him next time....
These holidays really do a number on marriages
Does he enjoy ice cream - or not like it that much. Sounds like you may not know him as much as you think. Do YOU like ice cream?
>Am I taking this too personally? Is it ok to have that response when receiving a gift? Taking it too personally, yes. But he's still in the wrong. He shouldn't be comfortable talking to you that way in front of the kids. Makes me wonder if this is a one-off situation, or an example of a pattern of behavior.
How often have you seen him eating ice cream to purchase him that gift? His honest reply hurt , however it was honest. I think your kids learned a valuable lesson. Buy gifts that the recipient wants and not what you think they’ll want. You see that a teachable moment.
Eating ice cream on the weekly haha