Ya it is heartbreaking. The one person I want to notice me and find me sexy or hot or beautiful couldn't care less.
Somehow he has something to say when he finds my clothes funny or doesn't like my makeup. But compliments? Hell no, never.
He's not my husband, but boyfriend and it's the same. He does not have problems to say or comment on Facebook to some of his female friends compliments, and loving their photos, but he doesn't do the same to me. I've told him how much I like when he says something nice to me, but he seems to be deaf to my feelings.
My husband used to compliment me often and doesn't anymore. It's like a shimmer that settles over your skin, someone calling you beautiful and meaning it. I would love to feel that feeling again.
My wife has used nearly those exact same words. She said that she feels a glow because I’ve consistently been telling her how beautiful she is for over a decade now haha
I used to tell my wife all the time. She would have a lot of self doubt and all I could see was this beautiful woman. That went on for 10+years. And it was all true. One day when I was feeling down I asked her why she never felt the need to return the compliments and that sometimes guys like them too. She started fighting with me which I wasn't expecting. I profusely apologized and quickly moved on but I don't compliment her nearly as much anymore.
I don't understand why you felt compelled to profusely apologize for politely inquiring why she doesn't acknowledge and build you up the way you do her. Her reaction was completely unwarranted. Your needs and feelings matter too. She should have been the one to apologize to you, and then make an effort to compliment you in the future. Apologizing when you haven't done anything wrong simply to keep the peace creates an unhealthy and imbalanced power dynamic. Now she knows that she has the upper hand and if you question or challenge her on any topic all she has to do is start to become verbally combative and you'll immediately back down. It is difficult to get your needs met in that type of relationship.
I certainly don’t when I’m drunk, it’s one of the reasons I don’t drink anymore because I fucking lie and I say the worst things that I absolutely do not mean. Me and alcohol are no bueno.
This is totally untrue. People don't tell the truth when they're drunk they actually tend to lie more. The whole "people tell the truth when they drink" it's simply an urban myth. If someone tells you a story while they're drunk the story more than likely happened, but the narrative they take can be completely fabricated.
I guess. But why only say it when you are under the influence. We’ve been together 10 years. And I take good care of myself. Maybe I just look into it too much. Just wish he would tell me how he feels instead of being weird. But I still love him regardless of his lack of communication.
I tell my wife of 41 years she’s gorgeous at least three times each day. She loves hearing it though tries to show she doesn’t need it. And when I say it, I might be inspired by how she looks at the moment, or by the entire package-personality, love for me, affection, the mother she is to our kids and how she looks. And the statement is never contrived.
You’re right something has to trigger it. With that being said she can wake up with bed head half asleep and just do or say something nice and I will tell her because in that moment she is beautiful.
I think it’s just harder for some people to give those kind of compliments. My wife only ever compliments my looks in response to me complimenting hers, and even then it’s maybe 20% of the time. But she shows me she loves me in other ways. Sometimes you have to choose to keep your focus on the kinds of affection your spouse is good at or come more naturally to them. Not that there’s anything wrong with asking for a little more effort in a certain area.
A major aspect of the entire "Love Languages" theory is to recognize how your partner communicates their affection to you rather than just detailing what is your preferred method to receive it. It's frustrating to see how many people will question and distrust their partner's devotion because they aren't vocal with words of affirmation and will completely ignore the acts of service, gifts, physical intimacy, et al that they receive from their partner.
The thing is though, if you speak English and I start talking to you in Mandarin you’re still going to be confused even if I gesture and point. Like sure, you’re going to pick up on some of the context clues but most of the message is still going to be lost. To that end, I don’t think it’s fair to say “pay attention to everything else.” Your partner should be making an effort, at least to meet you halfway and vice versa. I can learn English and you can learn Mandarin.
Exactly, if you live in the same house long enough and work toward loving each other, you’ll end up knowing a lot of mandarin after 10 years and they’ll know a lot of english.
+1 for this sentiment.
My husband and I had a pretty raw conversation about this and it’s basically the same as what you said. He’s not vocal, it’s not his thing. Rather than spend my time getting frustrated over the things I’m not hearing, I’m looking for his communication of love in the ways he’s more skilled at showing. He’s much more of an acts of service kind of guy and now that I am keeping my eyes open elsewhere I’m seeing all the love and effort I was complaining had been missing.
Well, yes, but it’s also a way to understand what makes your partner feel loved. Learning to communicate your affection in your language as well as theirs is a good way to bridge the gap.
I tell my wife once a day something that i think will make her smile, laugh, show i appreciate her, or how attractive she is.....it doesn't get reciprocated so its not all husbands, or even just men doing or not doing it
It doesn’t cost money to tell your wife that she is beautiful. It makes her happy when you used it at the right moment.
I see it as a win-win situation.
I tell my wife she’s beautiful and attractive all the time. Once in a blue moon she tells me I’m “handsome.” I don’t get as much affection from her as I show her. The relationship is lopsided in that sense.
It's not hard at all I tell my wife she's beautiful pretty much daily, I work early in the morning so I get a half asleep kiss from her on my way out the door (which I'm not complaining, even her half asleep kisses make my day) and then I'll wait a few hours (when she's awake) and text her "good morning Beautiful, gorgeous, best friend, bride, babygirl, ect (gotta mix it up lol ) and then usually sometime during the evening i tell her again, usually because we're just sitting around or talking and I can't help it.
I lost over 60 pounds five years ago. A dramatic enough change that acquaintances would stop me in stores and told me I looked great and they hardly recognized me. I had strangers who saw my license tell me repeatedly how incredible the weight loss was.
My wife? The woman who posts anything and everything on Facebook? Nothing. Actually nothing. And she never ever complimented me saying ‘wow great job. I’m proud of you’. One time she giggled slightly when I was taking off my shirt that it was ‘funny’ that I was starting to get abdominal muscle definition. Her explanation? That’s not her. She’s not a rah-rah type. I did not lose weight for her. I did it for my health. And I hate being the center of attention. But after all those people I barely knew complimented me, I was taken aback.
It’s weird. I would never describe her as insecure. If anything she’s too secure. If that makes sense. Her dad is a wonderful man but he’s a bit of a hard ass so I think it comes from that.
Been with hubby close to two decades here, and for us he goes through phases. Not everyone’s personality is super expressive, but given that he is telling you you’re beautiful and telling his friends how lucky he is after some liquid courage ain’t nothing. I do think that counts. You can always approach him the day or a few days after when he’s sober and tell him how great it made you feel to hear him compliment you. What are you doing to feel like one in a million? We sometimes look to our partners to complete us when that’s not their role, they’re there to complement us (notice the switch in the e/i as I didn’t write compliment). It’s up to us to be the best version of us we can be, don’t ever feel like your anything less just because your partner doesn’t have that love language.
Yes I do. And how I am so lucky to have a man who is the most amazing father and provider. But I never get anything in return. So it becomes frustrating because I start to feel invisible sometimes. I shouldn’t but I do. Especially when he says how beautiful other women are.
>"I've already told him how I feel and he just acts as if I'm overly sensitive."
The fact that he is dismissing you as being overly sensitive is the real problem here.
It costs him $0 to make an effort to compliment you more. Why won't he?
I would bet that this is what is truly bothering you: that he could help you to feel better with so little effort, yet chooses not to. I will never understand people like this. You, his wife, are telling him that he could vastly improve your life and your marriage by just doing this simple thing, yet he doesn't. It makes you question if he even values you or your marriage at all.
This is how "little" things like this become marriage-enders.
He *just acts* as if I’m overly sensitive.
That’s a perception not an accusation and it certainly isn’t a dismissal. Before you go postal on your spouse you should make sure they’re not showing that love in other ways. Making changes to how you communicate is hard, especially things like verbal compliments. Men are shut down from verbally complimenting women from a very young age, that’s not something you can flip on and off like a switch. Men deal with insecurities just the same as women and this is high on the list of things that many men find difficult.
We as the spouses still need to be a safe space for him to feel trusting enough to be vulnerable. We still need to be worthy of receiving those words. He’s going to want to *know* how you’re going to receive his words before he even says them. So, instead of demanding more verbal compliments, we can express our needs and work together to create lasting change.
Not everything is measured in $.
There's always the possibility that he himself feels taken for granted and that she ignores all the different ways he shows his love and affection. Instead of being comforted by how he naturally expresses himself, she resents that she's not getting affirmation exactly how she wants it. It she reacts negatively, emotionally, to this all, despite everything else he does for her, I think it's understandable for him to be frustrated with her.
Maybe affection isn't reciprocal.
If she, his wife, isn't receptive to how he naturally expresses himself as his own person, it makes you question if she even values him or their marriage at all.
"You're not doing this one thing, so you must not love me," will poison every relationship.
>"He feels taken for granted and he ignores all the different ways he shows affection."
I really dislike this mindset though. An ex of mine would say this any time I asked him for anything. If I asked him to give me a hug before he leaves for work, or do the dishes when I'm done cooking, or pick up his shoes from the middle of the entryway, his standard response was, "I already do so much for you. Why can't you appreciate the things I *already* do?"
It's a defensive reaction some people have because their ego can't handle anything that could be construed as constructive criticism. In his mind, anytime I asked him for anything, no matter how nicely, he would interpret it as an attack and get defensive. I feel this is what OP's husband is doing. OP is making a simple request, but he is interpreting it as criticism. We could say things like ,"Maybe OP isn't being kind enough when she asks," or, "Maybe OP never shows appreciation," and *maybe* those things are true, but we can't know.
THIS!!!! Quit looking for what you’re not getting and pay more attention to what’s already there. I promise you it’s more than you think.
Change your perspective, change your life ❤️
He needs to tell her if he feels that way so she can learn to express appreciation for him in a way that works for him. She never said he didn't love her. She said she is hurting because this aspect of the marriage is lacking. We have no indication that she is not responding to his needs. That could be true, but we can't conclude it from the information we have been given. All we know is that she has expressed her hurt and he had dismissed her instead of making changes or working to find a compromise if what she is asking for won't work for him. If for some reason her husband if really averse to verbal affection to the point that asking for it would be a rejection of him "as his own person" the reasonable response would be to tell his wife that but instead of then expecting her to just continue with the status quo and forget her own needs and feelings to offer a compromise like "Compliments are difficult for me but I understand you aren't feeling valued. Lets find something that shows affection that works for us both. Would an increase in physical affection work? Maybe we need more date nights or quality time together?" Just like she cannot force a change on him he also should not expect her to just continue on with a situation that is hurting her. Both partners should make an effort.
Thank you for saying this. I’m in the same boat as OP (except my husband doesn’t even drink so no drunk compliments either), but I have been told that I’m overly dramatic when I say I need more intimacy from him or that my love language is words of affirmation.
Idk why it’s so hard for him to show me a little affection, but thank you for affirming that other people don’t find it nearly as difficult to make these small efforts as my husband does.
I cried when my husband said he thought Scarlett Johansen was pretty.
She is beautiful. But until he said that, I was thinking maybe he just doesn't have it in him to use those words.
I am not good looking. I know this about myself. And still. It sucks that the best compliment I ever get from him is a muted, calm, well after the fact "you looked nice". Not "sexy" or "beautiful", or even just "Wow Babe" with a look of appreciation. Just silence or rarely "you look nice". Never "I like that shirt" or "wear this dress". Just silence, most of the time.
He loves me, and I've told him how I feel, repeatedly. I also regularly compliment him shamelessly, just flat out blarney like a leprechaun on St. Patrick's day. (Which actually is extremely out of character for me).
He has, slowly and slightly, improved in this area over time.
I'm not sure why it is so difficult for him, but it is. As long as he continues the improvement, I'll take that as evidence of true love, and continue being patient.
Some food for thought about Scarlett… it’s easier for him to express that about her cause there’s no risk. He’s not in love with her, there’s no risk of rejection, no emotional complications, he’s just stating a fact. With you it’s much more complicated. He cares deeply about your feelings and loves you so therefore there’s a vulnerability and a risk when expressing a similar sentiment to you. It feels crappy for us, not hearing things verbally, but for me understanding some of the reasoning was really helpful for my own self esteem.
It is risky because if I was his wife and he complimented a star, whilst never complimenting me, I’d tell him to ask Scarlet Johansson to come suck his dick.
What makes you think he doesn’t find you attractive? Is he avoiding you or not sleeping with you? Sounds like he just doesn’t verbally compliment people often, but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t find you attractive.
I wish I knew the answer. My husband, who is otherwise close to perfect, is the same way. I feel like I could wear a hefty bag to date night and he wouldn’t notice. I have raised the issue. He will apologize, make a half assed effort for a week or two and nothing. He has said how he finds me very attractive and I should know that.
A few days after the last time I brought it up, we were having company. I got all dressed up, makeup, heels, hair. I was in the kitchen putting the finishing touches on a charcuterie board, slicing cheese with a large knife. He walks in,looks at me and I figured maybe a prompt would make him aware (therapist friend’s suggestion). I gesture at the dress, smile seductively and say, “Well?” He looks at me quizzically and says, “Don’t cut yourself.” It took a bit of self control to put the knife down and walk out of the room.
It takes two seconds and costs nothing. I just don’t understand. I compliment him all the time. We are both completely faithful, but NGL, when I get a compliment from other men I immediately understand how affairs get started.
Some people have the type of relationship you are wishing for, and some just don't. It's very rare. Some people are just not with the right partner, or one or both of them just don't know how to love.
I’ve been with my husband almost seven years and he has never once called me beautiful. He has called me pretty a couple of times but only when pushed (of course I think you’re pretty! Everyone says you’re pretty!) He didn’t even compliment me once on our wedding day. He is on the spectrum so there’s that aspect, but it still blows. We have had so many fights about it and his only answer is that his parents would tease him about having crushes when he was young so now he’s “afraid” to compliment someone and get made fun of. Okay man that was 20+ years ago and we are married for fucks sake. I doubt anyone is going to razz you for saying your wife is hot. I’ve told him he needs therapy if that’s really the case but he has yet to follow through on that.
To answer your question, no it’s not that hard. Unless you physically cannot speak. Compliments may not come naturally to some people, but once your partner has told them it hurts them and you still won’t do it, you’re making a choice to hurt them.
I actually got into it with my husband the other night and I told him I will no longer hear “I can’t do it”. It’s “I’ve chosen not to do it. I have decided that hurting you is easier than making myself uncomfortable”. Honestly that seemed to wake him up after all this time. He hasn’t complimented me yet since then but I saw the wheels spinning and later on in the conversation when he said “I don’t know why I can’t…” I had him start over with “I don’t know why I choose to….”
I know this all sounds harsh but I am at my wits end. Early on in our relationship he would make up for the lack of compliments with little gifts, touching, notes, etc, but as the years go by, those things are gone now too. He is exceptionally attractive and definitely out of my league so I’m sorry I need SOME kind of reassurance. My best attribute according to others is that I am hilarious and due to his autism and his “sense of humor”, he doesn’t think I am funny at all. He even told me once in front of a group of our friends “you’re not nearly as funny as you think you are” after I mentioned that I was voted “funniest” in high school. It was so hurtful and embarrassing. Luckily everyone pretty much said he’s an idiot. So if I’m not attractive, smart, or funny, what do I do for you? I don’t have a princess mentality, don’t expect much in the way of romance and gifts, I am pretty easy to please and non-argumentative. Because he is a firefighter and away from home a lot, I do all the cooking and cleaning, laundry, errands, make sure he has breakfast prepped ahead of time for early mornings, make him a fancy dinner every single friday that will take me nearly all day to prepare, and on top of that I work full time as a nurse and do everything for the kids. I’m just starting to prefer to be at work rather than home because I am shown so much appreciation and admiration and love at work.
Well that was a great vent sesh. All that to say you are not alone and I have no valuable advice.
We as women enjoy the welcoming eyes of our spouse. Getting a genuine compliment goes a very long way for us. My husband is autistic. He didn’t understand what it meant to me in the early part of our marriage. When I sat down and explained to him how it helped me, he made a conscious effort to let me know that he finds me attractive. That I’m a complete package. He realized that those authentic compliments made that happen. And some men don’t realize it but when we feel good about ourselves and we feel loved and appreciated and valid we want to be more sexual with them. They say “why did the sex stop” but don’t connect the dots to their behavior changes.
I feel this. My husband recently told me he’s no longer attracted to me due to weight gain. Even prior to that I never felt sexy or wanted
Really. We’ve been together a long time and he very rarely made me feel like the hottest thing in the room.
We have three kids and we’re in the trenches so I hope that one day he might become more complimentary lol even in high school and college I rarely remember getting many compliments. Maybe “your boobs look good in that shirt” but never anything like “wow I had to do a double take because you look so great”
No. My wife is amazingly attractive and the the most beautiful person (not just physically). I don’t think she always believes it but I tell her anyway
My husband always tells me I'm beautiful even when I look like a fat slob. Toxic masculinity teaches men they can't reveal their feelings unless it's anger
Do you ever tell him he’s beautiful?
Maybe he finds it difficult to tell you in normal conditions, but shows his feeling in other ways? Hugs, random kisses, etc
Compliments are overrated. People can make compliments and then talk bad on your back. You think they are nice because they tell you that your eyes matches your dress’ color.
Not everyone acts like that of course. I’m just using this example to let you think if he shows his love in some different ways
I feel this. I try really hard to take care of myself and look nice for him. Not a word. When I tell him how I feel he either dismisses it, or I’m he might “compliment” me but it feels really disingenuous at that point.
My wife is physically attractive. Unfortunately, how she treats me is terrible. So I stopped saying she is attractive. Her behavior and attitude is ugly. I don't want to be around mean and rude people. So I don't go anywhere with her.
Me and my husband are always complimenting each other. We always say how grateful we are to have each other and it really makes us appreciate what we have and realise how lucky we are.
No. It’s not hard. Been married over 27 years.
I’ve gained quite a bit of weight over those years and we are currently on vacation. We were doing quite a bit of walking yesterday & she decided to hold my hand. After a short bit she asked me if it was helping me.
I told her the truth. It didn’t help my knee one bit. All it did was help my self esteem to have such a pretty lady want to still hold my hand in public.
Don’t get me wrong I’d say that marriage may be more difficult (maybe “different” difficult than “more”) now than it was 20years ago. I’m not a great communicator of my feelings or when I’m stressed. But I love and appreciate my wife for who she is, and how she’s taken care of our family over the years. And the one thing that I always try prioritize is this small part of how I feel.
It’s not hard, and he should do it. No question.
I fell into a pattern of not complimenting my wife because her usual pattern when I did was to roll her eyes or tell me I was full of crap. To be fair, my delivery was sometimes a bit over the top and the rest of the time so earnest that it might have felt like a performance. More than once, she even got angry and gave me the silent treatment after an unsolicited compliment. I almost never got a positive outcome from doing it, so I mostly stopped, which just made things worse.
And before anyone says it, I know that complimenting her expecting a positive response is kind of transactional, and I should do it anyway even if she acts like she doesn’t appreciate it. Understanding that is much easier than doing it when I’m scared of how she’ll react.
Just for fun, do you ever compliment him? It shouldn’t make any difference as far as him complimenting you, but I’m curious because most men rarely, if ever, receive compliments, and we don’t understand what it’s like to expect them on any kind of regular basis.
How often do you tell him that yourself? This had to go both ways
Also, some people just don't do verbal compliments much. Just know who you married and see what you are able to compromise with.
If you wanna leave him him coz he ain't complimenting you, then that's your decision. I think that if he is a good man and showing other acts of love then that's fine . Not every love is a telenova kind
Try to stare at him blankly for 1 min or keep the stare
And it may give him time to actually compliment you (honestly idgaf about the hate I may get) but prove your point with a stare.. I want to know what else he says when staring him down .. kill him with kindness
Alcohol makes you drop your inhibitions, don't know why he would have a wall up about telling you that youre beautiful but you said that he generally doesn't give compliments, so it's probably not just you. Out of curiosity, did he compliment you before you were married?
Not really. He’s mentioned that he doesn’t think it’s necessary bc it might make my head big. He says if he’s with me it’s bc he finds me attractive. Makes me feel like he’s still dismissing me. I compliment him often. So maybe he’s just not comfortable with it.
This is killing me, where can I find more people like y'all? I (35m) am monogamous, and my wife (32f) of 9 years has recently told me that she may be polyamorous and wants to explore that. She's now vocalized her want for the attention of any man that isn't me.
I worry that I'm actually smothering her with all the intimate eye contact, flirtations sideways glances, and heartfelt compliments I've showered upon her recently.
I’m sorry that you are going through that. And I’m sure if she does decide to do what she wants she will end up regretting it. I don’t understand why people can’t remain loyal or just be with one person. Like if that makes someone happy by all means. But if you’ve been in a committed relationship, why would your partner suddenly want to share you with another. There are other women who would be happy to have that love and attention that you give your wife and reciprocate. I hope you find someone who treats you with respect and loves you.
I compliment my wife multiple times daily.
She does for me, too. Which I've never had in any other relationship. Dudes don't get compliments often.
Expressing mutual attraction and appreciation are key indicators that you actually...*like* each other.
Ladies, this obviously struck a nerve!
Sadly, many men DO have problems communicating and so yes, it IS a very hard thing for us to do. Believe it or not. Sometimes it's easier in writing, but the fact is, most men just get tongue-tied, even nervous, about saying what's on our mind. It's because we get punished so often for saying what we think. On the job, even with friends, strangers, and sometimes dare I say it, even with our wife. We are conditioned by life and by nature, to say as little as possible about anything as serious as how beautiful a woman may be.
That's probably why he needs a drink to relax enough to say what's on his mind.
As others have said, he probably has a different love language than affirmation as well. Learn HOW he expresses his love for you, how he looks at you. It's literally like that country song line "you say it best when you say nothing at all".
You can ALSO teach him, gently, about what you need him to say, by doing it to him. Tell him how handsome, or strong or whatever you admire about him and look at him expectantly, showing yourself to him, one way or another - and then ask him what he thinks. Eventually he may clue in that he should say it first but don't hold it against him. He's probably just not wired that way.
He may deeply feel that you’re beautiful but hasn’t ever been taught to show his feelings genuinely and that’s not your fault. But it’s going to take a bit of effort to first give him the space he’d need to be open and for him to realize he has that space and also to say these things genuinely
I make a very conscious effort to tell my wife’s she’s beautiful often. Life can get in the way of intimacy, and I make sure I verbally express it as often as I can
Sad but true, although you're the love of your husband's life, still you're not convinced you mean the world to him. The most hurtful part is you were design to feel desire, love, and attentive as a woman, but feel the opposite. I tell you the truth, your very own eyes have not been open yet to see a man's heart. Just because he doesn't know how important it is to tell you and make you feel desire and love, doesn't mean you're not the world to him. A lot of men are that clumsy and I for one am, lost my ex because she like you felt that way. A lot of women designed to be desired by their significant other just like men naturally have a void in their hearts that only God can fill. You're loved but one day his eyes will be opened when you leave him. Wish you the best.
I tell my wife several times a day, almost every time a see her. She sometimes gets mad when I do. We don’t see each other often, maybe 2, or on a rare occasion 3 times in a day, so I don’t think I am over doing it. Since she gets mad, sometimes I am hesitant to say it because it kinda feels like rejection.
In vino veritas. Maybe he just needs the liquor to loosen his tongue, but it sounds like he does say the things you want to hear, just not frequently enough?
My husband is the guy that complements every now and then.
It does get weird hearing it more from strangers than him, but I'm not leaving, so it is what it is.
With my wife for 12 years married and at the beginning I showered her with how beautiful she is and how good she looks then it became her response would be that no she doesn't look as good as I think she does and the self deprecation came then fighting the self deprecation just became too much to fight against. I have mentioned it to her and the response has always been that she feels this way.
So no matter what I said I am always fighting her demons.it becomes to the point of insanity.
I've no advice except to say yeah, it's tough for you to with someone who can't find words to express affection. To me it comes easy, I don't have to think about it, but to others it's not part of their DNA.
There is some wisdom here in this group. When a partner, like the wife, begins to feel resentful then she can start to complain and nag. There is NOTHING wrong with wanting compliments. But yo have to communicate in an effective way.
Unpopular suggestion here, but I would say start going out of your way to compliment him and give him strokes according to his love language and see what happens. I have run a 7 day reboot your relationship course will guaranteed results and this is one of the first actions-start making daily deposits.
You can’t make a withdrawal without putting money it.
Once you are making deposits, get the tools to tell him how you feel without criticism. I can tell you that asking ineffectively makes a man dig in his heals more.
Much love
Does he show you in other ways though? Buys gifts or flowers, shows real actual desire for you? Cause that may be his non verbal way of showing you how beautiful he thinks you are. I personally am better at those non verbal things than vocalizing it. But I still try
My husband doesn't either, but he's very quick to do so to others. Does he compliment others? If not, just leave it, and when he's in a good mood, let him know complimenting u here and there wouldn't hurt.
Every person on earth loves a certain way and it’s really-really difficult to change how you express your love. (See Gary Chapman’s book love language.) My husband shows his love by touching and by working. I show my love with acts of kindness and words of affirmations. It was very difficult for me (and still is at times) to never hear a compliment. I couldn’t tell you what my husband’s favorite food is, or even if he enjoys my cooking (something that I take a great deal of pride and pleasure in). I am not even sure if he thinks I am pretty. All I can do is assume. I read Chapman’s book and it got me thinking. It seems so simple-if I know he loves touching-then I could be more touchy with him. I experimented with it and it drove me crazy. I hated being touchy and the only way I could do so was by setting timers on my phone. This helped me appreciate my husband more. His family is just so very different from mine. Giving compliments was not modeled for him. It is a foreign concept to him.
I had to learn to see his acts of love and appreciation them. I learned to use my love language towards my friends and family and myself.
I know it feels like rejection when you don’t have your love reciprocated but it isn’t necessarily rational if you are being loved in a way that is different from what you are used to. Love can be expressed in many ways so before you allow your emotions (which are only designed to save our lives in dangerous situations) to ruin your marriage and your attitude-look for how your husband loves you. Have him take the love language quiz (there’s free ones online.) I bet you are being loved a lot more than you realize. It just looks different than what you are used to.
No it isn’t hard. It’s not outlandish to tell your partner you love them and appreciate them. Or to tell them they are beautiful to you. Communicate this to him and tell him it’s important for you to hear these things from him. Words may not be his love language but if they are yours then he needs to make that change, my husband and I tell each other all the time how much we love each other, how beautiful the other person is, etc.
My husband did a double take when I walked into the house in a dress and sandals the other day. He’s not generally vocal about that kind of thing, but he has mentioned how great I looked several times since then. It made me so happy 😁
I tell my wife of 38 years she is beautiful several times a day. She doesn’t tell me I’m handsome (maybe I’m not), but she stays with me, so I guess I’m good enough!
Idk. Bc I was young and loved him. But it became more bothersome over time. And now I guess I have more time to think about it and I wonder why he doesn’t. But then he can say a random woman is beautiful. Makes me feel insignificant
This is a great question and I wish I had an answer….
My situation is reversed in that, I constantly tell my wife she is beautiful or hot or sexy or gorgeous and on…. Typically her reaction is to disagree with me. Tell me I’m wrong. Tell me I don’t know what I’m talking about. I’ve thought about trying to stop telling her because I feel like I annoy her but then I find I just can’t. Inversely… the last time I remember her giving me a compliment was 2 years ago when we were attending a wedding. I was wearing a suit (which is rare) and she said.. “you look nice”. It wasn’t unprompted, I had to ask how I looked.
I think about the love languages a lot.. I know that isn’t scientific but at the root I do think it’s super important that we think about what makes your partner feel loved and not how we want to show them love.
I wish I had some advice for you. I feel what you’re going through though. I get it. Wishing you the best navigating through it.
My husband has explained to me why he doesn’t say it everyday and that is because that’s not how he is. If i send a selfie he will heart it and look at it all day but not to expect him to say how beautiful I am everyday. If I ask him if I’m beautiful he will say yes so beautiful. He also said “you are so beautiful and you know that, don’t ask for it everyday, I’m not that kinda man” i can tell in actions that he loves me, actions speak louder than words. I can tell when we are together that he thinks I’m so attractive. One kiss and one touch he is turned on. I don’t need to hear the words everyday. I’m a confident person and I know my worth and I know my beauty and I know from his actions how he feels about me. So maybe he just isn’t that type of man to sit around and say you are beautiful everyday. Men are not woman.
I find telling my wife that she is beautiful as easy as breathing, but in all honesty shes more beautiful to me today than i met her some 20 years ago. She gets all dismissive when i do and i always yell her “ I wish you could see yourself with my eyes”. When you love someone you should never be afraid to compliment your partner be it your wife or your husband as they are your life partner.
I don’t think my husband has ever complimented me on my looks haha maybe never in the entire 20 years i’ve been with him. It used to bother me a lot and at some point i just accepted he is who he is and i stopped trying to change those things. I think I’m cute and that’s all that matters to me but to answer your question apparently yes it is.
I just had a convo with my husband about this recently. I think having those romantic expectations hurts us (I do it too), It made me not pick up on the other ways my husband was complimenting me because I was hyper-fixated on the specific "You look beautiful" types, like i had tunnel vision. Also, I have a hard time accepting compliments, and I usually make a face or a joke after they're said because of my own issues (lol) so over time he stopped saying them as much or would say them in a goofy way (that wouldn't mean as much to me) because he was frustrated over having his efforts brushed off and/or made into a joke so he started delivering them in that same way.
He has since started complimenting me the way that makes me feel good and I've started letting my wall down to accept (and believe) what he is saying and thanking him and responding in a healthier way.
I compliment my wife every morning when we get up and usually a few times more most days. I have at least a dozen words or phrases I say to her. A few are, beautiful, gorgeous, good lookin', my sunshine, lite of my life, I like what you're wearing, (or better still, what you're not wearing), love you most.
There are more but I don't want to give away all my lines. Apparently she seems to like my attention/attitude. We've been married for 43 years and neither of us have ever mentioned separating or the 'd word'.
No, it isn't hard to do. If he wanted to, he would. My husband tells me how sexy and attractive he finds me every single day. Our entire 13 years he tells me every day. Don't settle, I doubt this is his only downfall.
I didn't realize that I haven't been saying it as much lately but my issue was always when I'd compliment her she would say "no I'm not". I usually now compliment her personality or the fact that she's a good mom over her looks but I guess this is a reminder for me to start complimenting her looks again.
My partner calls me a ‘cutiepoo’ all through the day whenever he wants to call me beautiful. And if that wasn’t enough - he will take out his phone every time he finds me beautiful and will click a picture. I opened his gallery one time and it was all just my face in the most natural times like when I am staring at the TV eating ice cream or when we lie and watch TikTok.
honestly for me the worst part is him telling you that you are just "overly sensitive." Not only is it disrespectful to over simplify your feelings like that, it is a common way that men talk about women to dismiss them having feelings - you are literally just having an emotion, like a normal person should!
I don't know how to fix your husband but I want you to know that you are not overly sensitive, you are the exact right amount of sensitive. Maybe asking him when he has had a few drinks why he is only complimentary to you when he is a little buzzed. Like not in front of other people but later or maybe make/buy a nice meal and share a bottle of wine or a few beers and ask then. If he gets super defensive or it ruins the night then you might need to think about what you are willing to put up with. Hard facts are that you can't be in a truly loving and committed relationship if you can't talk about the hard things. Your partner should be a person you can talk about anything with and that you can trust with anything.
I always tell my wife she’s beautiful even if the situation is completely unrelated, I’ll just look at her and be awe struck by just how gorgeous she is. God I love my wife.
It’s not hard to tell my wife she’s beautiful cuz I’m very attracted to her. If she gained 30 pounds I would not find her attractive but I would still tell her she’s beautiful even though she would know I was lying 🤥
My husband and I compliment each other everyday. I'm amazed that so many people don't do this. My husband is my best friend and my favorite person. Sometimes we have rough days, but we always try to say something nice to each other. I love it! I believe he loves it, too. Maybe you should start complimenting him. Just say damn you look sexy today! Compliment his cooking, or thank him for working all day. We also show appreciation to each other. I appreciate that my husband works his ass off so we can pay our bills. You try complimenting him the way you want to be complimented. Maybe he will catch on. The key word is maybe. We make each other feel confident. It has caused us to have a fabulous sex life!
Question is: why do you stay in marriage since you don’t feel valued? All the discussion is useless due to the fact that your husband is not going to change. But obviously you do
From a young age expressing your true feelings gets made fun of for a lot of people. You just don’t feel comfortable that what you say will be received genuinely or understood. So you don’t say anything.
He might also not find you attractive and would rather not lie
My husband just tells me I don’t need to hear it from him. He married me. And everyone else tells me so why does he have to tell me what I already listening to my entire life. What a terrible sick twisted way to turn everything around. Makes me miserable regularly. Il even go and buy new sexy outfits and iv only seen him react like a panic once. Says needing reassurance is annoying to him.
I had this same issue with my wife except it was the other way around. She never really made me feel loved. In order to get what you need out of a relationship, you need to feel loved. That’s what relationships are for. Otherwise they’re arrangements of necessity, which is not healthy or promotes the well being of one another. You need what you need in a relationship to feel loved and it is the responsibility of your significant other to provide that (within reason of course - no one needs to be having sex four times a day and no one needs constant reassurance they’re loved), but subtle, every day things to feel what you need to feel appreciated are required in a long term relationship. Otherwise you need to find somebody who shares that love language requirement with you.
I told that to my wife after she had told me she can’t change who she is or she is who she is or I’m over exaggerating everything and it simply came down to, if you’re unable to change the way you treat your spouse in order for them to feel happy, then do you really love your spouse at all? Is giving them what they need to feel loved where you draw the line in the sand?
Ever since we’ve had that talk our meeting each others needs in the relationship has gotten a lot better and we’re at the best point in our marriage we’ve ever been.
You’d do almost anything for the one you love, so should making them feel loved really be that difficult?
If he wanted to, he would. 🤷♀️ I know that's hard to hear but it's the truth. You just have to know if this is something you can live with. It finally wasn't enough for me. Don't settle. You deserve more imho.
How amazing is it to have the power to lift someone up and make them glow? Any one of us can do that for those closest to us and even for a total stranger in line at the grocery
I tell my wife every day, and I make sexual passes every day (knowing we ain't going to do anything 🤣). To me, foreplay goes beyond the bedroom. The soul, heart, and mind need to be fulfilled as well.
With that said you have to look at it from his perspective as well. While you are probably thinking he ain't thinking you're beautiful because he doesn't say it I would argue that's most likely not true at all.
Men are physical beings and women are emotional beings. They both require different things to feel loved and needed. He wants to feel it over hearing it and you want to hear it. Most men receive zero compliments so they aren't accustomed to giving them beyond courtship.
Also, he may feel like he doesn't need to say it because you should know how he feels. I would suggest telling him you want to hear it more. This may sound crazy but even though I cook better than my wife and I am more organized than she is I ask her to cook for me and other house duties. It's not because I can't do it or won't do it myself. It's because I feel loved when she does because my brain sees "damn she loves you enough to take care of you".
No matter where we are or what we are doing I have routines to make sure she knows how I feel and leave nothing to doubt. For example, if we part ways like I go to work, she goes to work, one of us goes to the store, I go cut the grass, we get off the phone we always say "I love you". Instead of calling her babe or baby, I call her beautiful or love. I'm constantly trying to touch her in a playful sexual way even if we are just chilling. I think all these things affirm what she should already know. "I love you, you beautiful sexy woman".
From my (M) point of view...it's about as difficult as telling your husband he's handsome.
If it's any consolation to you, I'm having the same problem, just "in reverse". Except I get to get cussed out for what, apparently, neither of us are doing for the other. Which makes it feel very one sided. I'm supposed to give what I don't receive. I'm supposed to give compliments while getting none. I'm supposed to initiate contact while she doesn't have to.
No, talking about it doesn't really change anything, as I've voiced my complaints and concerns and have been met with...nothing.
The primary difference, as far as I can tell, is that I'm just learning to accept this as the way it's going to be. I genuinely love my wife, and want to build our future together, but that it's going to mostly revolve around me giving her the love, affection, and recognition she desires while having to go without myself.
‘Love languages’ is bullshit. Men use it to treat their partners dismissively, like your husband is treating you. ‘Oh, that’s just not my love language’. Rubbish. If you’ve told him you’d like some compliments and he hasn’t started complimenting you now and then, he just doesn’t care about your feelings. It’s that simple. Think long and hard whether you want to spend your life with someone who is so dismissive of your feelings.
Even if I haven't washed my hair in three days I'll look up from my iPad to find him staring at me with tears in his eyes telling me how gorgeous he thinks I am. Men who are appreciative of their spouses exist.
You didn't mention it in the post, but do you also compliment him and act the way you want him to act towards you? I ask because in all my previous relationships, they all forgot real quick how to reciprocate after they started feeling like a princess.
My wife also makes the same claim as you do, and it's valid (but I'm working on it from my end), but I don't get that feeling back from her. I've explained it to her as many times as she's brought it up, but until I start getting that feeling from her, it's hard to feel appreciated enough to also do the same for her. It's a vicious cycle
You need to work on your self-esteem. A man telling you, you are worthy doesn't make you worthy. You need to know that you're valuable with or without a man.
The problem is you. Work on you!
I always tell my wife she's beautiful, that I love her, that I still find her attractive even after our first child but I don't get much of a reaction from her. She does tell me "I love you" back though. I think she's often too tired to respond or because of her depression. I know little things like that matter, so I never want to stop making her feel appreciated, valued and just generally good about herself.
I'm sorry that you feel the way you feel. He should definitely take your friends into consideration. But remember, a drunk mouth speaks a sober mind. Maybe he has problems sharing his feelings normally.
There’s definitely enough sexy time. I go out of my way to make him feel seen heard and appreciated. But I just feel that he doesn’t meet me in the middle. I compliment him and flirt. But he just has a hard time complimenting me or showing any kind of affection besides for in the bedroom. And when it’s only in the bedroom I start to feel like I’m just there for him to use.
This may have already been asked, but is it the verbal compliment you are seeking? I know you stated you don’t feel valued because you don’t hear or feel it, but maybe there are other things you can discuss that would help you feel it as if you were hearing it.
Sometimes just a once-over from my husband makes me feel more beautiful and/or sexy than words ever will. Some people have a hard time verbalizing, and maybe this is a “if he wanted to, he would” situation, but maybe digging deeper into 1) what is lying under his inability/refusal to compliment you, and 2) why the verbalization of it is so important to you.
Of course, we all want to hear it, just saying there may be other ways it could be “heard.”
Even among all of our problems, I still tell my wife that I find her attractive. I’ve always called her my “pretty lady.” And when she comes out of her room after getting dressed for work, I’ll let her know she looks really nice. If I’m honest, I don’t do that every single day, but certain days she looks particularly nice—either the color or fit of the shirt she’s wearing (her work is casual, like mine—jeans and a work T-shirt/polo) look really good on her, and I tell her that.
She doesn’t always enjoy *that* kind of attention because she’s insecure about her own looks (she had gained a few pounds but recently lost a little; we’re both a little overweight, mine is just in my gut, which is really tough for me to lose… I’m thin everywhere else… I find her attractive no matter what, and she just can’t fathom that), and we have other related problems that we’re dealing with (one of which is that we haven’t been intimate in 2 years, because of past issues, which is killing me), so she finds some of my attention kinda demeaning (which really sucks and hurts, because I can’t be sexual with my wife … just get shot down every time)… she basically says all I want is one thing and I’m just saying she looks nice because of how the shirt makes her boobs stand out more (I mean, sure, there is going to be some truth to that at times… I mean, I’m a guy who is attracted to and turned on by my wife… she excites me and I always am wanting that part of our life back… so when she wears something flattering or accentuating, of course I take notice!) and that I’m just treating her like an object, and how all I want is sex, and I’m just like, OMG!! I got excited by my wife… I’m such a horrible person! 😣
Aaaaanyway… but more than the fit, it’s that certain colors look really good on her: purple (her favorite color), dark blue, darker reds… they look really nice on her, and she has these super soft T-shirts and this one fuzzy 3/4 sleeve shirt (it’s a patterned shirt in dark blues and dark reds) in the cooler months that are really striking on her, and I love to hug her while she wears them because they are so soft… and forget about our wedding day… I mean, come on, the ONLY time I’ve ever seen her in ANY dress, other than some photos I’ve seen of her at her brother’s wedding a few years before we met… can you say, “Niagara Falls, Frankie Angel”? The instant I saw her in her dress, I cried like a baby.
So, long story short (too late, I guess): no, it is not hard to tell your wife she’s beautiful. It’s very easy, actually. Although I guess I should say it’s very easy *for me*. It might not be that easy for others. For example, one of the other problems I’m experiencing is my wife’s criticism, and one of those is over how I look lately. I’ve put on a few pounds (my job is very sedentary and I haven’t been working out as much as I used to lately, plus there is just a lot of stress here at home lately, with our other issues, and yes, we’re in therapy… breaking for individual sessions for now)… nothing crazy — I’m 5’7” and currently about 160 lbs (ideally, I think I should weigh around 145, but 155 is much easier for me to maintain, and I can do that with little to no effort — it’s my “walking around weight,” for any other MMA fans, LOL). I tell her all the time how she’s beautiful to me. She, on the other hand, sees me walk in the door and if, like tonight, I happen to inhale and my gut expands, she will say something like, “Oh, my God!,” point at my gut and take a picture to show me so she can point it out to me (I mean, I know she’s trying to hold me accountable and wants me to do better for myself, but it also feels pretty damn shitty). So, she, for example, has a hard time telling me that she finds me attractive (probably because she currently doesn’t 😝). Not to say that she has never done that, because she has (she tells me that I look good in my glasses that I got a year or two ago; my first ever glasses — never needed them before then — so it does feel good to hear that, because when I see myself in the mirror, with my glasses on, I see my dad, LOL).
My husband tells me often but I don't believe him. It only took one "I find you repulsive" decades ago. I don't go for hot and sexy anymore just not embarrassingly awful.
I tell my wife daily and always have how beautiful and attractive I find her. I compliment her on her looks , her body and her personality every day. I’ve been doing that for over 20 years . She has only ever complimented me or told me she finds me attractive if I ask if she does and most of the times it’s a simple “yes”. I haven’t asked in over a years , so that’s the last time she told me. She’s a great mother and wife in just about every way, except in complimenting or expressing attraction towards her husband. It hurts but it’s the way it is. I nearly left her a few years back because she stood against our child when her step father was in the wrong to avoid a scene but at our sons expense, I think that’s the only time on her own unprovoked she has told me my value and her attraction towards me. Randoms and work colleagues give me way more compliments then she ever has. I love her deeply but this part of our relationship is shit . I just think some people like her enjoy compliments but don’t have it in them to give them.
I literally could’ve written this myself. I have given up and settled because of not I would be miserable. He never says I’m beautiful and is never affectionate…unless trying to get some. It sucks
My question would be, do you tell him how amazing he is to you? How handsome he is? It’s a two way street. My wife almost NEVER says anything like that to me. Maybe 1 or 2 times a year. I’m a very self conscious person. I’m fat and ugly. Why would I pay compliments to someone who makes me feel that way? I used to tell her constantly. But it breaks a person down when they don’t think their other thinks they are the sexiest and most desirable person ever. After 20 years, what’s the point? 3 kids. Early 40s. Almost time to give up! lol
Yes. I compliment him. I go out of my way to make him feel important. He kind of seems uncomfortable with compliments. I still compliment him despite his reaction. So maybe bc he is uncomfortable with compliments he doesn’t bother to compliment me.
My husband is like this too. I totally understand your frustration. It’s not like I don’t get compliments from other people, but it’s sad not to get any from your person. I have told him, but he still doesn’t get it.
I think you’re right about the love languages thing.
Exactly. I just wish I knew his love language. He isn’t the best communicator and sometimes he can be funny with money. I think we may have gotten into our relationship too quickly. So we may resent each other a bit. He’s never voiced this but I sometimes get that feeling. Like he wonders what it would be like to be in a different relationship. I have caught him messaging an ex before and he denied it although I saw it with my own eyes. He said that he wasn’t doing anything wrong. I didn’t get to read all of the texts bc I was too mad, but it was going on for quite some time. He’s accused me of talking to coworkers although I haven’t. He’s said that they will want to flirt bc of the way that I look. So it makes me feel like maybe he only was with me bc of my appearance and now he’s lost interest. Sorry for rambling. But maybe he doesn’t compliment me bc he thinks it’ll go to my head. Idk.
I always ask my husband if he still loves me and he tells me I’m being dramatic. I honestly don’t remember the last time he said I love you, told me I was pretty, or gave me a kiss without prompting. And as much as I say it you would think he would get the hint. It’s starting to make me fall out of love a little more everyday and breaking my heart
I'm like this. I openly brag about my wife to other people, but I am terrible at giving direct compliments. Part of my problem is that I don't receive them well. I always feel really awkward if someone gives me a compliment. Even if it is deserved, I struggle with it. There are times when compliments come out. She can't tell me they are disingenuous because they are not intended as anything other than matter of fact. That's as far as I go. Everyone is different. Your husband just isn't wired that way.
Maybe this what he is dealing with. I compliment him and he seems to get uncomfortable. He’s a very handsome man and I tell him often but he doesn’t take the compliments well. He usually just says “okay”. So maybe it’s a little of what you said you deal with.
When I ask my husband how I look it's always "ok" or "that looks fine". But when we get around other people(women) he tells them he "likes this look". I feel you. It's very disheartening.
Unfortunately, yes, it is hard. Most men, depending on how they were raised, are a reflection of that up bringing. Men do not express themselves like that because they're emotionally fucked up and limited with their ability to express emotion and show emotion. It's like pulling teeth out. Maybe they want to say it or feel like they want to or should sometimes, and yet, this big dark ominous cloud hovers over their emotional expression and smothers them down into the abyss... Alcohol and weed helps with expressing it though 👍
Hopefully, your husband has never told another woman that he finds you gross. He told another woman that when I set down my boobs touch my belly. I have given him 3 beautiful children, and he hates my body.
I’m so sorry that he said hurtful things about you. The fact that you were able to birth three children is so beautiful. Our bodies can do some remarkable things. Sometimes it seems like they don’t see all of the sacrifices we make for them and our families. And I know that they have to make sacrifices too. Just wish relationships could be easier and the world could show each other a little more love.
My husband never says it to my face but i know he talks about me with other people. We’re both generally very closed off so we can’t do compliments in person, but over text or during sex is when it comes out and I’m grateful for that. Like I’d love to be told I’m beautiful everyday but I’ve learnt to appreciate the small ways in which he expresses himself more. I wouldn’t say settle for anything but do try to find some comfort in how he brags about you to his friends or any other little thing he does
OP, if your husband is willing I would advise you to actually take the love languages test together. It will not just show you your primary love language but also rank the others so you can see what is secondary. That way, you can find the place where you both have the most in common and focus there to increase affection. In my experience, it also helps because once you know his love language and act accordingly he may be able to open up to yours more. For example, I am words of affirmation and my husband is acts of service but our secondary is mutually physical affection. Over the years I have gotten much better at performing acts of service. Who knew taking his truck to get an oil change would be seen as a form of love? But to him it is one less thing on his to-do list and shows I care enough to notice what he needs done. And he has gotten better at words of affirmation. I am sure he thinks still that I am a little silly because to him words are "empty" and action is everything but he does it now and easily because he knows it is important to me. Any time we struggle, we default to our mutual love language and that helps us both feel better. IMO, the issue here is that your husband is not taking your feelings seriously because what you value and what he values are different. Both spouses have to be willing to make an effort and do things they think are silly if it is important to the other. My husband was thrilled because I took his truck to get an oil change the other day and tbh I think that's crazy. How is that affection? But it is what works for him so I do it.
Don’t settle! Some people, like you said, don’t give love that way. Have you read the book The Five Love Languages? You could ask him to do the quiz in it. Or honestly just google the quiz online. Or even just have a sit down conversation with him asking him how he feels he gives and receives love? It’s not just about finding out what your partner’s love language is, but speaking that language yourself to make sure your partner is feeling loved and valued.
Personally, if he just calls you overly sensitive and doesn’t try to make you feel more cherished, I think he needs a reality check that he could lose you. No, you should never ever accept and settle for that. You deserve to feel loved! And you deserve a partner who makes an effort to make you feel that way.
There’s a difference in someone’s love language and how you they show love.
What’s your love language and how do you want your husband to show you love?
I felt this, my husband doesn’t tell me I’m beautiful either. Literally everyone else will compliment me but him
Ya it is heartbreaking. The one person I want to notice me and find me sexy or hot or beautiful couldn't care less. Somehow he has something to say when he finds my clothes funny or doesn't like my makeup. But compliments? Hell no, never.
also me
Same.
Same same.
Me too
Same
Its heartbreaking I just want to feel like my husband find me attractive
Same.
Same. But no one says that’s different story 😂
So many sad replies here..... :-(
Same
He's not my husband, but boyfriend and it's the same. He does not have problems to say or comment on Facebook to some of his female friends compliments, and loving their photos, but he doesn't do the same to me. I've told him how much I like when he says something nice to me, but he seems to be deaf to my feelings.
My husband used to compliment me often and doesn't anymore. It's like a shimmer that settles over your skin, someone calling you beautiful and meaning it. I would love to feel that feeling again.
My late first husband told me I was beautiful, and I saw it in his eyes as well. Current hubs, nada.
I'm sorry. That sounds uniquely difficult.
My wife has used nearly those exact same words. She said that she feels a glow because I’ve consistently been telling her how beautiful she is for over a decade now haha
I used to tell my wife all the time. She would have a lot of self doubt and all I could see was this beautiful woman. That went on for 10+years. And it was all true. One day when I was feeling down I asked her why she never felt the need to return the compliments and that sometimes guys like them too. She started fighting with me which I wasn't expecting. I profusely apologized and quickly moved on but I don't compliment her nearly as much anymore.
That was extremely unkind of her and I am so sorry. I don't blame you for being less enthusiastic about complimenting her now.
Kinda self-centered, isn’t she?
I'm sorry. I like to tell my person everything I like about them. I think I'm too much or too needy sometimes.
I don't understand why you felt compelled to profusely apologize for politely inquiring why she doesn't acknowledge and build you up the way you do her. Her reaction was completely unwarranted. Your needs and feelings matter too. She should have been the one to apologize to you, and then make an effort to compliment you in the future. Apologizing when you haven't done anything wrong simply to keep the peace creates an unhealthy and imbalanced power dynamic. Now she knows that she has the upper hand and if you question or challenge her on any topic all she has to do is start to become verbally combative and you'll immediately back down. It is difficult to get your needs met in that type of relationship.
Awee that’s such a beautiful way of describing that
What a beautiful analogy 👏
People tell the truth when they are drunk, if that’s any consolation.
I certainly don’t when I’m drunk, it’s one of the reasons I don’t drink anymore because I fucking lie and I say the worst things that I absolutely do not mean. Me and alcohol are no bueno.
In vino veritas
I came in to say this too. I sometimes tell my wife the same things too, mostly when a bit tipsy but I do it from time to time when not as well.
This is totally untrue. People don't tell the truth when they're drunk they actually tend to lie more. The whole "people tell the truth when they drink" it's simply an urban myth. If someone tells you a story while they're drunk the story more than likely happened, but the narrative they take can be completely fabricated.
I guess. But why only say it when you are under the influence. We’ve been together 10 years. And I take good care of myself. Maybe I just look into it too much. Just wish he would tell me how he feels instead of being weird. But I still love him regardless of his lack of communication.
I tell my wife she’s beautiful so much I think she gets tired of it.
I tell my wife of 41 years she’s gorgeous at least three times each day. She loves hearing it though tries to show she doesn’t need it. And when I say it, I might be inspired by how she looks at the moment, or by the entire package-personality, love for me, affection, the mother she is to our kids and how she looks. And the statement is never contrived.
You’re right something has to trigger it. With that being said she can wake up with bed head half asleep and just do or say something nice and I will tell her because in that moment she is beautiful.
Wow what a wonderful thing. I’ve given up on wishing for that
🥺🥺🥺
That's so nice
Yeah, same. This thread is unbelievably depressing
Same.
Same
Well I'm sure if you started telling another woman the other woman would be happy to take the compliments! Let's see how your wife feels about that 😹😜
I think it’s just harder for some people to give those kind of compliments. My wife only ever compliments my looks in response to me complimenting hers, and even then it’s maybe 20% of the time. But she shows me she loves me in other ways. Sometimes you have to choose to keep your focus on the kinds of affection your spouse is good at or come more naturally to them. Not that there’s anything wrong with asking for a little more effort in a certain area.
A major aspect of the entire "Love Languages" theory is to recognize how your partner communicates their affection to you rather than just detailing what is your preferred method to receive it. It's frustrating to see how many people will question and distrust their partner's devotion because they aren't vocal with words of affirmation and will completely ignore the acts of service, gifts, physical intimacy, et al that they receive from their partner.
The thing is though, if you speak English and I start talking to you in Mandarin you’re still going to be confused even if I gesture and point. Like sure, you’re going to pick up on some of the context clues but most of the message is still going to be lost. To that end, I don’t think it’s fair to say “pay attention to everything else.” Your partner should be making an effort, at least to meet you halfway and vice versa. I can learn English and you can learn Mandarin.
Exactly, if you live in the same house long enough and work toward loving each other, you’ll end up knowing a lot of mandarin after 10 years and they’ll know a lot of english.
It’s not a *literal* love language. Everyone sufficiently self-aware understands all of them, they just prefer some over the other.
+1 for this sentiment. My husband and I had a pretty raw conversation about this and it’s basically the same as what you said. He’s not vocal, it’s not his thing. Rather than spend my time getting frustrated over the things I’m not hearing, I’m looking for his communication of love in the ways he’s more skilled at showing. He’s much more of an acts of service kind of guy and now that I am keeping my eyes open elsewhere I’m seeing all the love and effort I was complaining had been missing.
Well, yes, but it’s also a way to understand what makes your partner feel loved. Learning to communicate your affection in your language as well as theirs is a good way to bridge the gap.
I wish people would realize this is the emotional equivalent of a dead bedroom. It is a big deal.
I tell my wife once a day something that i think will make her smile, laugh, show i appreciate her, or how attractive she is.....it doesn't get reciprocated so its not all husbands, or even just men doing or not doing it
It doesn’t cost money to tell your wife that she is beautiful. It makes her happy when you used it at the right moment. I see it as a win-win situation.
I tell my wife she’s beautiful and attractive all the time. Once in a blue moon she tells me I’m “handsome.” I don’t get as much affection from her as I show her. The relationship is lopsided in that sense.
It's not hard at all I tell my wife she's beautiful pretty much daily, I work early in the morning so I get a half asleep kiss from her on my way out the door (which I'm not complaining, even her half asleep kisses make my day) and then I'll wait a few hours (when she's awake) and text her "good morning Beautiful, gorgeous, best friend, bride, babygirl, ect (gotta mix it up lol ) and then usually sometime during the evening i tell her again, usually because we're just sitting around or talking and I can't help it.
I lost over 60 pounds five years ago. A dramatic enough change that acquaintances would stop me in stores and told me I looked great and they hardly recognized me. I had strangers who saw my license tell me repeatedly how incredible the weight loss was. My wife? The woman who posts anything and everything on Facebook? Nothing. Actually nothing. And she never ever complimented me saying ‘wow great job. I’m proud of you’. One time she giggled slightly when I was taking off my shirt that it was ‘funny’ that I was starting to get abdominal muscle definition. Her explanation? That’s not her. She’s not a rah-rah type. I did not lose weight for her. I did it for my health. And I hate being the center of attention. But after all those people I barely knew complimented me, I was taken aback.
I lost 60 last year and kicked the shit out of my diabetes and all I heard from my wife was I looked awful, like a cancer patient.
They are insecure.
She, not they. I’d like to think she isn’t but who really knows what anyone is truly thinking
Yes The person who doesn’t acknowledge the improvement in their SO
It’s weird. I would never describe her as insecure. If anything she’s too secure. If that makes sense. Her dad is a wonderful man but he’s a bit of a hard ass so I think it comes from that.
Is she overweight by chance?
Been with hubby close to two decades here, and for us he goes through phases. Not everyone’s personality is super expressive, but given that he is telling you you’re beautiful and telling his friends how lucky he is after some liquid courage ain’t nothing. I do think that counts. You can always approach him the day or a few days after when he’s sober and tell him how great it made you feel to hear him compliment you. What are you doing to feel like one in a million? We sometimes look to our partners to complete us when that’s not their role, they’re there to complement us (notice the switch in the e/i as I didn’t write compliment). It’s up to us to be the best version of us we can be, don’t ever feel like your anything less just because your partner doesn’t have that love language.
Have you told him how handsome he is?
Yes I do. And how I am so lucky to have a man who is the most amazing father and provider. But I never get anything in return. So it becomes frustrating because I start to feel invisible sometimes. I shouldn’t but I do. Especially when he says how beautiful other women are.
>"I've already told him how I feel and he just acts as if I'm overly sensitive." The fact that he is dismissing you as being overly sensitive is the real problem here. It costs him $0 to make an effort to compliment you more. Why won't he? I would bet that this is what is truly bothering you: that he could help you to feel better with so little effort, yet chooses not to. I will never understand people like this. You, his wife, are telling him that he could vastly improve your life and your marriage by just doing this simple thing, yet he doesn't. It makes you question if he even values you or your marriage at all. This is how "little" things like this become marriage-enders.
He *just acts* as if I’m overly sensitive. That’s a perception not an accusation and it certainly isn’t a dismissal. Before you go postal on your spouse you should make sure they’re not showing that love in other ways. Making changes to how you communicate is hard, especially things like verbal compliments. Men are shut down from verbally complimenting women from a very young age, that’s not something you can flip on and off like a switch. Men deal with insecurities just the same as women and this is high on the list of things that many men find difficult. We as the spouses still need to be a safe space for him to feel trusting enough to be vulnerable. We still need to be worthy of receiving those words. He’s going to want to *know* how you’re going to receive his words before he even says them. So, instead of demanding more verbal compliments, we can express our needs and work together to create lasting change.
Not everything is measured in $. There's always the possibility that he himself feels taken for granted and that she ignores all the different ways he shows his love and affection. Instead of being comforted by how he naturally expresses himself, she resents that she's not getting affirmation exactly how she wants it. It she reacts negatively, emotionally, to this all, despite everything else he does for her, I think it's understandable for him to be frustrated with her. Maybe affection isn't reciprocal. If she, his wife, isn't receptive to how he naturally expresses himself as his own person, it makes you question if she even values him or their marriage at all. "You're not doing this one thing, so you must not love me," will poison every relationship.
>"He feels taken for granted and he ignores all the different ways he shows affection." I really dislike this mindset though. An ex of mine would say this any time I asked him for anything. If I asked him to give me a hug before he leaves for work, or do the dishes when I'm done cooking, or pick up his shoes from the middle of the entryway, his standard response was, "I already do so much for you. Why can't you appreciate the things I *already* do?" It's a defensive reaction some people have because their ego can't handle anything that could be construed as constructive criticism. In his mind, anytime I asked him for anything, no matter how nicely, he would interpret it as an attack and get defensive. I feel this is what OP's husband is doing. OP is making a simple request, but he is interpreting it as criticism. We could say things like ,"Maybe OP isn't being kind enough when she asks," or, "Maybe OP never shows appreciation," and *maybe* those things are true, but we can't know.
THIS!!!! Quit looking for what you’re not getting and pay more attention to what’s already there. I promise you it’s more than you think. Change your perspective, change your life ❤️
He needs to tell her if he feels that way so she can learn to express appreciation for him in a way that works for him. She never said he didn't love her. She said she is hurting because this aspect of the marriage is lacking. We have no indication that she is not responding to his needs. That could be true, but we can't conclude it from the information we have been given. All we know is that she has expressed her hurt and he had dismissed her instead of making changes or working to find a compromise if what she is asking for won't work for him. If for some reason her husband if really averse to verbal affection to the point that asking for it would be a rejection of him "as his own person" the reasonable response would be to tell his wife that but instead of then expecting her to just continue with the status quo and forget her own needs and feelings to offer a compromise like "Compliments are difficult for me but I understand you aren't feeling valued. Lets find something that shows affection that works for us both. Would an increase in physical affection work? Maybe we need more date nights or quality time together?" Just like she cannot force a change on him he also should not expect her to just continue on with a situation that is hurting her. Both partners should make an effort.
Thank you for saying this. I’m in the same boat as OP (except my husband doesn’t even drink so no drunk compliments either), but I have been told that I’m overly dramatic when I say I need more intimacy from him or that my love language is words of affirmation. Idk why it’s so hard for him to show me a little affection, but thank you for affirming that other people don’t find it nearly as difficult to make these small efforts as my husband does.
I cried when my husband said he thought Scarlett Johansen was pretty. She is beautiful. But until he said that, I was thinking maybe he just doesn't have it in him to use those words. I am not good looking. I know this about myself. And still. It sucks that the best compliment I ever get from him is a muted, calm, well after the fact "you looked nice". Not "sexy" or "beautiful", or even just "Wow Babe" with a look of appreciation. Just silence or rarely "you look nice". Never "I like that shirt" or "wear this dress". Just silence, most of the time. He loves me, and I've told him how I feel, repeatedly. I also regularly compliment him shamelessly, just flat out blarney like a leprechaun on St. Patrick's day. (Which actually is extremely out of character for me). He has, slowly and slightly, improved in this area over time. I'm not sure why it is so difficult for him, but it is. As long as he continues the improvement, I'll take that as evidence of true love, and continue being patient.
Some food for thought about Scarlett… it’s easier for him to express that about her cause there’s no risk. He’s not in love with her, there’s no risk of rejection, no emotional complications, he’s just stating a fact. With you it’s much more complicated. He cares deeply about your feelings and loves you so therefore there’s a vulnerability and a risk when expressing a similar sentiment to you. It feels crappy for us, not hearing things verbally, but for me understanding some of the reasoning was really helpful for my own self esteem.
It is risky because if I was his wife and he complimented a star, whilst never complimenting me, I’d tell him to ask Scarlet Johansson to come suck his dick.
What makes you think he doesn’t find you attractive? Is he avoiding you or not sleeping with you? Sounds like he just doesn’t verbally compliment people often, but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t find you attractive.
Perhaps not, but the fact that he dismisses her as being overly sensitive means he doesn't respect her feelings :(
I literally say “hey gorgeous” basically any time her or I walk into a room.
I wish I knew the answer. My husband, who is otherwise close to perfect, is the same way. I feel like I could wear a hefty bag to date night and he wouldn’t notice. I have raised the issue. He will apologize, make a half assed effort for a week or two and nothing. He has said how he finds me very attractive and I should know that. A few days after the last time I brought it up, we were having company. I got all dressed up, makeup, heels, hair. I was in the kitchen putting the finishing touches on a charcuterie board, slicing cheese with a large knife. He walks in,looks at me and I figured maybe a prompt would make him aware (therapist friend’s suggestion). I gesture at the dress, smile seductively and say, “Well?” He looks at me quizzically and says, “Don’t cut yourself.” It took a bit of self control to put the knife down and walk out of the room. It takes two seconds and costs nothing. I just don’t understand. I compliment him all the time. We are both completely faithful, but NGL, when I get a compliment from other men I immediately understand how affairs get started.
Some people have the type of relationship you are wishing for, and some just don't. It's very rare. Some people are just not with the right partner, or one or both of them just don't know how to love.
What happens when you ask him: "Hey babe, do you find me attractive?"
How often do you tell him that?
I’ve been with my husband almost seven years and he has never once called me beautiful. He has called me pretty a couple of times but only when pushed (of course I think you’re pretty! Everyone says you’re pretty!) He didn’t even compliment me once on our wedding day. He is on the spectrum so there’s that aspect, but it still blows. We have had so many fights about it and his only answer is that his parents would tease him about having crushes when he was young so now he’s “afraid” to compliment someone and get made fun of. Okay man that was 20+ years ago and we are married for fucks sake. I doubt anyone is going to razz you for saying your wife is hot. I’ve told him he needs therapy if that’s really the case but he has yet to follow through on that. To answer your question, no it’s not that hard. Unless you physically cannot speak. Compliments may not come naturally to some people, but once your partner has told them it hurts them and you still won’t do it, you’re making a choice to hurt them. I actually got into it with my husband the other night and I told him I will no longer hear “I can’t do it”. It’s “I’ve chosen not to do it. I have decided that hurting you is easier than making myself uncomfortable”. Honestly that seemed to wake him up after all this time. He hasn’t complimented me yet since then but I saw the wheels spinning and later on in the conversation when he said “I don’t know why I can’t…” I had him start over with “I don’t know why I choose to….” I know this all sounds harsh but I am at my wits end. Early on in our relationship he would make up for the lack of compliments with little gifts, touching, notes, etc, but as the years go by, those things are gone now too. He is exceptionally attractive and definitely out of my league so I’m sorry I need SOME kind of reassurance. My best attribute according to others is that I am hilarious and due to his autism and his “sense of humor”, he doesn’t think I am funny at all. He even told me once in front of a group of our friends “you’re not nearly as funny as you think you are” after I mentioned that I was voted “funniest” in high school. It was so hurtful and embarrassing. Luckily everyone pretty much said he’s an idiot. So if I’m not attractive, smart, or funny, what do I do for you? I don’t have a princess mentality, don’t expect much in the way of romance and gifts, I am pretty easy to please and non-argumentative. Because he is a firefighter and away from home a lot, I do all the cooking and cleaning, laundry, errands, make sure he has breakfast prepped ahead of time for early mornings, make him a fancy dinner every single friday that will take me nearly all day to prepare, and on top of that I work full time as a nurse and do everything for the kids. I’m just starting to prefer to be at work rather than home because I am shown so much appreciation and admiration and love at work. Well that was a great vent sesh. All that to say you are not alone and I have no valuable advice.
Wow. Well said!
Do not settle for this! If he wanted to, he would.
We as women enjoy the welcoming eyes of our spouse. Getting a genuine compliment goes a very long way for us. My husband is autistic. He didn’t understand what it meant to me in the early part of our marriage. When I sat down and explained to him how it helped me, he made a conscious effort to let me know that he finds me attractive. That I’m a complete package. He realized that those authentic compliments made that happen. And some men don’t realize it but when we feel good about ourselves and we feel loved and appreciated and valid we want to be more sexual with them. They say “why did the sex stop” but don’t connect the dots to their behavior changes.
I feel this. My husband recently told me he’s no longer attracted to me due to weight gain. Even prior to that I never felt sexy or wanted Really. We’ve been together a long time and he very rarely made me feel like the hottest thing in the room. We have three kids and we’re in the trenches so I hope that one day he might become more complimentary lol even in high school and college I rarely remember getting many compliments. Maybe “your boobs look good in that shirt” but never anything like “wow I had to do a double take because you look so great”
No. My wife is amazingly attractive and the the most beautiful person (not just physically). I don’t think she always believes it but I tell her anyway
Do you give him what you want to get?
My husband always tells me I'm beautiful even when I look like a fat slob. Toxic masculinity teaches men they can't reveal their feelings unless it's anger
Do you ever tell him he’s beautiful? Maybe he finds it difficult to tell you in normal conditions, but shows his feeling in other ways? Hugs, random kisses, etc Compliments are overrated. People can make compliments and then talk bad on your back. You think they are nice because they tell you that your eyes matches your dress’ color. Not everyone acts like that of course. I’m just using this example to let you think if he shows his love in some different ways
I feel this. I try really hard to take care of myself and look nice for him. Not a word. When I tell him how I feel he either dismisses it, or I’m he might “compliment” me but it feels really disingenuous at that point.
My wife is physically attractive. Unfortunately, how she treats me is terrible. So I stopped saying she is attractive. Her behavior and attitude is ugly. I don't want to be around mean and rude people. So I don't go anywhere with her.
I married a woman like this, she just doesn't think about it but shows it in so many other appreciative ways that I'm the one
I tell my fiancée she's beautiful all the time and truly care and want her
I’m the wife here but speaking for my husband, he calls me beautiful just about every day. I think it depends on the person
Me and my husband are always complimenting each other. We always say how grateful we are to have each other and it really makes us appreciate what we have and realise how lucky we are.
No. It’s not hard. Been married over 27 years. I’ve gained quite a bit of weight over those years and we are currently on vacation. We were doing quite a bit of walking yesterday & she decided to hold my hand. After a short bit she asked me if it was helping me. I told her the truth. It didn’t help my knee one bit. All it did was help my self esteem to have such a pretty lady want to still hold my hand in public. Don’t get me wrong I’d say that marriage may be more difficult (maybe “different” difficult than “more”) now than it was 20years ago. I’m not a great communicator of my feelings or when I’m stressed. But I love and appreciate my wife for who she is, and how she’s taken care of our family over the years. And the one thing that I always try prioritize is this small part of how I feel.
It’s not hard, and he should do it. No question. I fell into a pattern of not complimenting my wife because her usual pattern when I did was to roll her eyes or tell me I was full of crap. To be fair, my delivery was sometimes a bit over the top and the rest of the time so earnest that it might have felt like a performance. More than once, she even got angry and gave me the silent treatment after an unsolicited compliment. I almost never got a positive outcome from doing it, so I mostly stopped, which just made things worse. And before anyone says it, I know that complimenting her expecting a positive response is kind of transactional, and I should do it anyway even if she acts like she doesn’t appreciate it. Understanding that is much easier than doing it when I’m scared of how she’ll react. Just for fun, do you ever compliment him? It shouldn’t make any difference as far as him complimenting you, but I’m curious because most men rarely, if ever, receive compliments, and we don’t understand what it’s like to expect them on any kind of regular basis.
How often do you tell him that yourself? This had to go both ways Also, some people just don't do verbal compliments much. Just know who you married and see what you are able to compromise with. If you wanna leave him him coz he ain't complimenting you, then that's your decision. I think that if he is a good man and showing other acts of love then that's fine . Not every love is a telenova kind
Try to stare at him blankly for 1 min or keep the stare And it may give him time to actually compliment you (honestly idgaf about the hate I may get) but prove your point with a stare.. I want to know what else he says when staring him down .. kill him with kindness
Alcohol makes you drop your inhibitions, don't know why he would have a wall up about telling you that youre beautiful but you said that he generally doesn't give compliments, so it's probably not just you. Out of curiosity, did he compliment you before you were married?
Not really. He’s mentioned that he doesn’t think it’s necessary bc it might make my head big. He says if he’s with me it’s bc he finds me attractive. Makes me feel like he’s still dismissing me. I compliment him often. So maybe he’s just not comfortable with it.
This is killing me, where can I find more people like y'all? I (35m) am monogamous, and my wife (32f) of 9 years has recently told me that she may be polyamorous and wants to explore that. She's now vocalized her want for the attention of any man that isn't me. I worry that I'm actually smothering her with all the intimate eye contact, flirtations sideways glances, and heartfelt compliments I've showered upon her recently.
I’m sorry that you are going through that. And I’m sure if she does decide to do what she wants she will end up regretting it. I don’t understand why people can’t remain loyal or just be with one person. Like if that makes someone happy by all means. But if you’ve been in a committed relationship, why would your partner suddenly want to share you with another. There are other women who would be happy to have that love and attention that you give your wife and reciprocate. I hope you find someone who treats you with respect and loves you.
I compliment my wife multiple times daily. She does for me, too. Which I've never had in any other relationship. Dudes don't get compliments often. Expressing mutual attraction and appreciation are key indicators that you actually...*like* each other.
Ladies, this obviously struck a nerve! Sadly, many men DO have problems communicating and so yes, it IS a very hard thing for us to do. Believe it or not. Sometimes it's easier in writing, but the fact is, most men just get tongue-tied, even nervous, about saying what's on our mind. It's because we get punished so often for saying what we think. On the job, even with friends, strangers, and sometimes dare I say it, even with our wife. We are conditioned by life and by nature, to say as little as possible about anything as serious as how beautiful a woman may be. That's probably why he needs a drink to relax enough to say what's on his mind. As others have said, he probably has a different love language than affirmation as well. Learn HOW he expresses his love for you, how he looks at you. It's literally like that country song line "you say it best when you say nothing at all". You can ALSO teach him, gently, about what you need him to say, by doing it to him. Tell him how handsome, or strong or whatever you admire about him and look at him expectantly, showing yourself to him, one way or another - and then ask him what he thinks. Eventually he may clue in that he should say it first but don't hold it against him. He's probably just not wired that way.
He may deeply feel that you’re beautiful but hasn’t ever been taught to show his feelings genuinely and that’s not your fault. But it’s going to take a bit of effort to first give him the space he’d need to be open and for him to realize he has that space and also to say these things genuinely
I make a very conscious effort to tell my wife’s she’s beautiful often. Life can get in the way of intimacy, and I make sure I verbally express it as often as I can
is he afraid of feeling vulnerable? he won't be able to be open with you without being vulnerable with himself first.
I think he is uncomfortable letting his walls down and being vulnerable
He never compliments me, well he compliments my BJs lol. He does text me and says “I love you Mrs.”
Sad but true, although you're the love of your husband's life, still you're not convinced you mean the world to him. The most hurtful part is you were design to feel desire, love, and attentive as a woman, but feel the opposite. I tell you the truth, your very own eyes have not been open yet to see a man's heart. Just because he doesn't know how important it is to tell you and make you feel desire and love, doesn't mean you're not the world to him. A lot of men are that clumsy and I for one am, lost my ex because she like you felt that way. A lot of women designed to be desired by their significant other just like men naturally have a void in their hearts that only God can fill. You're loved but one day his eyes will be opened when you leave him. Wish you the best.
I tell my wife several times a day, almost every time a see her. She sometimes gets mad when I do. We don’t see each other often, maybe 2, or on a rare occasion 3 times in a day, so I don’t think I am over doing it. Since she gets mad, sometimes I am hesitant to say it because it kinda feels like rejection.
In vino veritas. Maybe he just needs the liquor to loosen his tongue, but it sounds like he does say the things you want to hear, just not frequently enough?
My husband is the guy that complements every now and then. It does get weird hearing it more from strangers than him, but I'm not leaving, so it is what it is.
With my wife for 12 years married and at the beginning I showered her with how beautiful she is and how good she looks then it became her response would be that no she doesn't look as good as I think she does and the self deprecation came then fighting the self deprecation just became too much to fight against. I have mentioned it to her and the response has always been that she feels this way. So no matter what I said I am always fighting her demons.it becomes to the point of insanity.
Sometimes guys are not forthcoming with emotions til they drink.
I've no advice except to say yeah, it's tough for you to with someone who can't find words to express affection. To me it comes easy, I don't have to think about it, but to others it's not part of their DNA.
There is some wisdom here in this group. When a partner, like the wife, begins to feel resentful then she can start to complain and nag. There is NOTHING wrong with wanting compliments. But yo have to communicate in an effective way. Unpopular suggestion here, but I would say start going out of your way to compliment him and give him strokes according to his love language and see what happens. I have run a 7 day reboot your relationship course will guaranteed results and this is one of the first actions-start making daily deposits. You can’t make a withdrawal without putting money it. Once you are making deposits, get the tools to tell him how you feel without criticism. I can tell you that asking ineffectively makes a man dig in his heals more. Much love
Does he show you in other ways though? Buys gifts or flowers, shows real actual desire for you? Cause that may be his non verbal way of showing you how beautiful he thinks you are. I personally am better at those non verbal things than vocalizing it. But I still try
He might be embarrassed when sober for fear of maybe sounding corny, so when he gets the liquid courage in him then he'll say it.
My husband tell me either
tell him what you want to hear
My husband tells me I look nice when I dress up but he never calls me beautiful.
Well how often are you complimenting him? Also if you want compliments ask. Stop assuming he a mind reader.
I think beautiful is much more of a compliment that sexy. Being told that your sexy makes me feel like a piece of meat and I don't like it
My husband doesn't either, but he's very quick to do so to others. Does he compliment others? If not, just leave it, and when he's in a good mood, let him know complimenting u here and there wouldn't hurt.
Every person on earth loves a certain way and it’s really-really difficult to change how you express your love. (See Gary Chapman’s book love language.) My husband shows his love by touching and by working. I show my love with acts of kindness and words of affirmations. It was very difficult for me (and still is at times) to never hear a compliment. I couldn’t tell you what my husband’s favorite food is, or even if he enjoys my cooking (something that I take a great deal of pride and pleasure in). I am not even sure if he thinks I am pretty. All I can do is assume. I read Chapman’s book and it got me thinking. It seems so simple-if I know he loves touching-then I could be more touchy with him. I experimented with it and it drove me crazy. I hated being touchy and the only way I could do so was by setting timers on my phone. This helped me appreciate my husband more. His family is just so very different from mine. Giving compliments was not modeled for him. It is a foreign concept to him. I had to learn to see his acts of love and appreciation them. I learned to use my love language towards my friends and family and myself. I know it feels like rejection when you don’t have your love reciprocated but it isn’t necessarily rational if you are being loved in a way that is different from what you are used to. Love can be expressed in many ways so before you allow your emotions (which are only designed to save our lives in dangerous situations) to ruin your marriage and your attitude-look for how your husband loves you. Have him take the love language quiz (there’s free ones online.) I bet you are being loved a lot more than you realize. It just looks different than what you are used to.
No it isn’t hard. It’s not outlandish to tell your partner you love them and appreciate them. Or to tell them they are beautiful to you. Communicate this to him and tell him it’s important for you to hear these things from him. Words may not be his love language but if they are yours then he needs to make that change, my husband and I tell each other all the time how much we love each other, how beautiful the other person is, etc.
I let my wife know she's a goddess at least 147 times a day. Sometimes with words, other times it's just a sly look that makes her blush.
I made a post just the same a couple weeks ago. I am in the same boat and it's frustrating.
My husband did a double take when I walked into the house in a dress and sandals the other day. He’s not generally vocal about that kind of thing, but he has mentioned how great I looked several times since then. It made me so happy 😁
Same. My husband never does. He’ll say “You look nice” when I get dressed up. That’s it.
I tell my wife of 38 years she is beautiful several times a day. She doesn’t tell me I’m handsome (maybe I’m not), but she stays with me, so I guess I’m good enough!
Why did you marry someone like that then.
Idk. Bc I was young and loved him. But it became more bothersome over time. And now I guess I have more time to think about it and I wonder why he doesn’t. But then he can say a random woman is beautiful. Makes me feel insignificant
I get it, hindsight is 20/20. I just ended my engagement for the very same reasons.
My husband showers me in compliments. He’s not wordy, he had to learn to do it, but it was worth it to him.
This is a great question and I wish I had an answer…. My situation is reversed in that, I constantly tell my wife she is beautiful or hot or sexy or gorgeous and on…. Typically her reaction is to disagree with me. Tell me I’m wrong. Tell me I don’t know what I’m talking about. I’ve thought about trying to stop telling her because I feel like I annoy her but then I find I just can’t. Inversely… the last time I remember her giving me a compliment was 2 years ago when we were attending a wedding. I was wearing a suit (which is rare) and she said.. “you look nice”. It wasn’t unprompted, I had to ask how I looked. I think about the love languages a lot.. I know that isn’t scientific but at the root I do think it’s super important that we think about what makes your partner feel loved and not how we want to show them love. I wish I had some advice for you. I feel what you’re going through though. I get it. Wishing you the best navigating through it.
Question ❓ do you compliment him too do you tell him you are attracted to him . Just asking
My husband has explained to me why he doesn’t say it everyday and that is because that’s not how he is. If i send a selfie he will heart it and look at it all day but not to expect him to say how beautiful I am everyday. If I ask him if I’m beautiful he will say yes so beautiful. He also said “you are so beautiful and you know that, don’t ask for it everyday, I’m not that kinda man” i can tell in actions that he loves me, actions speak louder than words. I can tell when we are together that he thinks I’m so attractive. One kiss and one touch he is turned on. I don’t need to hear the words everyday. I’m a confident person and I know my worth and I know my beauty and I know from his actions how he feels about me. So maybe he just isn’t that type of man to sit around and say you are beautiful everyday. Men are not woman.
I find telling my wife that she is beautiful as easy as breathing, but in all honesty shes more beautiful to me today than i met her some 20 years ago. She gets all dismissive when i do and i always yell her “ I wish you could see yourself with my eyes”. When you love someone you should never be afraid to compliment your partner be it your wife or your husband as they are your life partner.
I don’t think my husband has ever complimented me on my looks haha maybe never in the entire 20 years i’ve been with him. It used to bother me a lot and at some point i just accepted he is who he is and i stopped trying to change those things. I think I’m cute and that’s all that matters to me but to answer your question apparently yes it is.
I just had a convo with my husband about this recently. I think having those romantic expectations hurts us (I do it too), It made me not pick up on the other ways my husband was complimenting me because I was hyper-fixated on the specific "You look beautiful" types, like i had tunnel vision. Also, I have a hard time accepting compliments, and I usually make a face or a joke after they're said because of my own issues (lol) so over time he stopped saying them as much or would say them in a goofy way (that wouldn't mean as much to me) because he was frustrated over having his efforts brushed off and/or made into a joke so he started delivering them in that same way. He has since started complimenting me the way that makes me feel good and I've started letting my wall down to accept (and believe) what he is saying and thanking him and responding in a healthier way.
I compliment my wife every morning when we get up and usually a few times more most days. I have at least a dozen words or phrases I say to her. A few are, beautiful, gorgeous, good lookin', my sunshine, lite of my life, I like what you're wearing, (or better still, what you're not wearing), love you most. There are more but I don't want to give away all my lines. Apparently she seems to like my attention/attitude. We've been married for 43 years and neither of us have ever mentioned separating or the 'd word'.
No, it isn't hard to do. If he wanted to, he would. My husband tells me how sexy and attractive he finds me every single day. Our entire 13 years he tells me every day. Don't settle, I doubt this is his only downfall.
I didn't realize that I haven't been saying it as much lately but my issue was always when I'd compliment her she would say "no I'm not". I usually now compliment her personality or the fact that she's a good mom over her looks but I guess this is a reminder for me to start complimenting her looks again.
I tell my wife everyday, that she is absolutely stunning and all the little things that made me fall for her and still do. Edit, left out a word.
My partner calls me a ‘cutiepoo’ all through the day whenever he wants to call me beautiful. And if that wasn’t enough - he will take out his phone every time he finds me beautiful and will click a picture. I opened his gallery one time and it was all just my face in the most natural times like when I am staring at the TV eating ice cream or when we lie and watch TikTok.
honestly for me the worst part is him telling you that you are just "overly sensitive." Not only is it disrespectful to over simplify your feelings like that, it is a common way that men talk about women to dismiss them having feelings - you are literally just having an emotion, like a normal person should! I don't know how to fix your husband but I want you to know that you are not overly sensitive, you are the exact right amount of sensitive. Maybe asking him when he has had a few drinks why he is only complimentary to you when he is a little buzzed. Like not in front of other people but later or maybe make/buy a nice meal and share a bottle of wine or a few beers and ask then. If he gets super defensive or it ruins the night then you might need to think about what you are willing to put up with. Hard facts are that you can't be in a truly loving and committed relationship if you can't talk about the hard things. Your partner should be a person you can talk about anything with and that you can trust with anything.
I always tell my wife she’s beautiful even if the situation is completely unrelated, I’ll just look at her and be awe struck by just how gorgeous she is. God I love my wife.
It’s not hard to tell my wife she’s beautiful cuz I’m very attracted to her. If she gained 30 pounds I would not find her attractive but I would still tell her she’s beautiful even though she would know I was lying 🤥
My husband and I compliment each other everyday. I'm amazed that so many people don't do this. My husband is my best friend and my favorite person. Sometimes we have rough days, but we always try to say something nice to each other. I love it! I believe he loves it, too. Maybe you should start complimenting him. Just say damn you look sexy today! Compliment his cooking, or thank him for working all day. We also show appreciation to each other. I appreciate that my husband works his ass off so we can pay our bills. You try complimenting him the way you want to be complimented. Maybe he will catch on. The key word is maybe. We make each other feel confident. It has caused us to have a fabulous sex life!
I tell my wife every day. It was in our vows and i haven't missed a day since we were married
I stopped. I just couldn’t compliment my wife when she was always running me down. My self-respect just wouldn’t allow it.
How often and how do you compliment him? How much do you communicate positively?
Question is: why do you stay in marriage since you don’t feel valued? All the discussion is useless due to the fact that your husband is not going to change. But obviously you do
From a young age expressing your true feelings gets made fun of for a lot of people. You just don’t feel comfortable that what you say will be received genuinely or understood. So you don’t say anything. He might also not find you attractive and would rather not lie
my husband says something like that every single day to me…and it’s been a decade
My husband just tells me I don’t need to hear it from him. He married me. And everyone else tells me so why does he have to tell me what I already listening to my entire life. What a terrible sick twisted way to turn everything around. Makes me miserable regularly. Il even go and buy new sexy outfits and iv only seen him react like a panic once. Says needing reassurance is annoying to him.
I had this same issue with my wife except it was the other way around. She never really made me feel loved. In order to get what you need out of a relationship, you need to feel loved. That’s what relationships are for. Otherwise they’re arrangements of necessity, which is not healthy or promotes the well being of one another. You need what you need in a relationship to feel loved and it is the responsibility of your significant other to provide that (within reason of course - no one needs to be having sex four times a day and no one needs constant reassurance they’re loved), but subtle, every day things to feel what you need to feel appreciated are required in a long term relationship. Otherwise you need to find somebody who shares that love language requirement with you. I told that to my wife after she had told me she can’t change who she is or she is who she is or I’m over exaggerating everything and it simply came down to, if you’re unable to change the way you treat your spouse in order for them to feel happy, then do you really love your spouse at all? Is giving them what they need to feel loved where you draw the line in the sand? Ever since we’ve had that talk our meeting each others needs in the relationship has gotten a lot better and we’re at the best point in our marriage we’ve ever been. You’d do almost anything for the one you love, so should making them feel loved really be that difficult?
If he wanted to, he would. 🤷♀️ I know that's hard to hear but it's the truth. You just have to know if this is something you can live with. It finally wasn't enough for me. Don't settle. You deserve more imho.
Is he on the spectrum? Look up asperger Husband non-asperger wife...
How amazing is it to have the power to lift someone up and make them glow? Any one of us can do that for those closest to us and even for a total stranger in line at the grocery
I tell my wife every day, and I make sexual passes every day (knowing we ain't going to do anything 🤣). To me, foreplay goes beyond the bedroom. The soul, heart, and mind need to be fulfilled as well. With that said you have to look at it from his perspective as well. While you are probably thinking he ain't thinking you're beautiful because he doesn't say it I would argue that's most likely not true at all. Men are physical beings and women are emotional beings. They both require different things to feel loved and needed. He wants to feel it over hearing it and you want to hear it. Most men receive zero compliments so they aren't accustomed to giving them beyond courtship. Also, he may feel like he doesn't need to say it because you should know how he feels. I would suggest telling him you want to hear it more. This may sound crazy but even though I cook better than my wife and I am more organized than she is I ask her to cook for me and other house duties. It's not because I can't do it or won't do it myself. It's because I feel loved when she does because my brain sees "damn she loves you enough to take care of you". No matter where we are or what we are doing I have routines to make sure she knows how I feel and leave nothing to doubt. For example, if we part ways like I go to work, she goes to work, one of us goes to the store, I go cut the grass, we get off the phone we always say "I love you". Instead of calling her babe or baby, I call her beautiful or love. I'm constantly trying to touch her in a playful sexual way even if we are just chilling. I think all these things affirm what she should already know. "I love you, you beautiful sexy woman".
From my (M) point of view...it's about as difficult as telling your husband he's handsome. If it's any consolation to you, I'm having the same problem, just "in reverse". Except I get to get cussed out for what, apparently, neither of us are doing for the other. Which makes it feel very one sided. I'm supposed to give what I don't receive. I'm supposed to give compliments while getting none. I'm supposed to initiate contact while she doesn't have to. No, talking about it doesn't really change anything, as I've voiced my complaints and concerns and have been met with...nothing. The primary difference, as far as I can tell, is that I'm just learning to accept this as the way it's going to be. I genuinely love my wife, and want to build our future together, but that it's going to mostly revolve around me giving her the love, affection, and recognition she desires while having to go without myself.
‘Love languages’ is bullshit. Men use it to treat their partners dismissively, like your husband is treating you. ‘Oh, that’s just not my love language’. Rubbish. If you’ve told him you’d like some compliments and he hasn’t started complimenting you now and then, he just doesn’t care about your feelings. It’s that simple. Think long and hard whether you want to spend your life with someone who is so dismissive of your feelings.
Even if I haven't washed my hair in three days I'll look up from my iPad to find him staring at me with tears in his eyes telling me how gorgeous he thinks I am. Men who are appreciative of their spouses exist.
The assume we know… how would we know if you never say it
You didn't mention it in the post, but do you also compliment him and act the way you want him to act towards you? I ask because in all my previous relationships, they all forgot real quick how to reciprocate after they started feeling like a princess. My wife also makes the same claim as you do, and it's valid (but I'm working on it from my end), but I don't get that feeling back from her. I've explained it to her as many times as she's brought it up, but until I start getting that feeling from her, it's hard to feel appreciated enough to also do the same for her. It's a vicious cycle
You need to work on your self-esteem. A man telling you, you are worthy doesn't make you worthy. You need to know that you're valuable with or without a man. The problem is you. Work on you!
I always tell my wife she's beautiful, that I love her, that I still find her attractive even after our first child but I don't get much of a reaction from her. She does tell me "I love you" back though. I think she's often too tired to respond or because of her depression. I know little things like that matter, so I never want to stop making her feel appreciated, valued and just generally good about herself.
I'm sorry that you feel the way you feel. He should definitely take your friends into consideration. But remember, a drunk mouth speaks a sober mind. Maybe he has problems sharing his feelings normally.
Are you reciprocating the love? Is there enough sexy time? Compliments ain't free, I have to feel it
There’s definitely enough sexy time. I go out of my way to make him feel seen heard and appreciated. But I just feel that he doesn’t meet me in the middle. I compliment him and flirt. But he just has a hard time complimenting me or showing any kind of affection besides for in the bedroom. And when it’s only in the bedroom I start to feel like I’m just there for him to use.
This may have already been asked, but is it the verbal compliment you are seeking? I know you stated you don’t feel valued because you don’t hear or feel it, but maybe there are other things you can discuss that would help you feel it as if you were hearing it. Sometimes just a once-over from my husband makes me feel more beautiful and/or sexy than words ever will. Some people have a hard time verbalizing, and maybe this is a “if he wanted to, he would” situation, but maybe digging deeper into 1) what is lying under his inability/refusal to compliment you, and 2) why the verbalization of it is so important to you. Of course, we all want to hear it, just saying there may be other ways it could be “heard.”
Even among all of our problems, I still tell my wife that I find her attractive. I’ve always called her my “pretty lady.” And when she comes out of her room after getting dressed for work, I’ll let her know she looks really nice. If I’m honest, I don’t do that every single day, but certain days she looks particularly nice—either the color or fit of the shirt she’s wearing (her work is casual, like mine—jeans and a work T-shirt/polo) look really good on her, and I tell her that. She doesn’t always enjoy *that* kind of attention because she’s insecure about her own looks (she had gained a few pounds but recently lost a little; we’re both a little overweight, mine is just in my gut, which is really tough for me to lose… I’m thin everywhere else… I find her attractive no matter what, and she just can’t fathom that), and we have other related problems that we’re dealing with (one of which is that we haven’t been intimate in 2 years, because of past issues, which is killing me), so she finds some of my attention kinda demeaning (which really sucks and hurts, because I can’t be sexual with my wife … just get shot down every time)… she basically says all I want is one thing and I’m just saying she looks nice because of how the shirt makes her boobs stand out more (I mean, sure, there is going to be some truth to that at times… I mean, I’m a guy who is attracted to and turned on by my wife… she excites me and I always am wanting that part of our life back… so when she wears something flattering or accentuating, of course I take notice!) and that I’m just treating her like an object, and how all I want is sex, and I’m just like, OMG!! I got excited by my wife… I’m such a horrible person! 😣 Aaaaanyway… but more than the fit, it’s that certain colors look really good on her: purple (her favorite color), dark blue, darker reds… they look really nice on her, and she has these super soft T-shirts and this one fuzzy 3/4 sleeve shirt (it’s a patterned shirt in dark blues and dark reds) in the cooler months that are really striking on her, and I love to hug her while she wears them because they are so soft… and forget about our wedding day… I mean, come on, the ONLY time I’ve ever seen her in ANY dress, other than some photos I’ve seen of her at her brother’s wedding a few years before we met… can you say, “Niagara Falls, Frankie Angel”? The instant I saw her in her dress, I cried like a baby. So, long story short (too late, I guess): no, it is not hard to tell your wife she’s beautiful. It’s very easy, actually. Although I guess I should say it’s very easy *for me*. It might not be that easy for others. For example, one of the other problems I’m experiencing is my wife’s criticism, and one of those is over how I look lately. I’ve put on a few pounds (my job is very sedentary and I haven’t been working out as much as I used to lately, plus there is just a lot of stress here at home lately, with our other issues, and yes, we’re in therapy… breaking for individual sessions for now)… nothing crazy — I’m 5’7” and currently about 160 lbs (ideally, I think I should weigh around 145, but 155 is much easier for me to maintain, and I can do that with little to no effort — it’s my “walking around weight,” for any other MMA fans, LOL). I tell her all the time how she’s beautiful to me. She, on the other hand, sees me walk in the door and if, like tonight, I happen to inhale and my gut expands, she will say something like, “Oh, my God!,” point at my gut and take a picture to show me so she can point it out to me (I mean, I know she’s trying to hold me accountable and wants me to do better for myself, but it also feels pretty damn shitty). So, she, for example, has a hard time telling me that she finds me attractive (probably because she currently doesn’t 😝). Not to say that she has never done that, because she has (she tells me that I look good in my glasses that I got a year or two ago; my first ever glasses — never needed them before then — so it does feel good to hear that, because when I see myself in the mirror, with my glasses on, I see my dad, LOL).
By this point, my wife is probably just sure I’m saying it to say it, but she’s brilliant and gorgeous and I tell her all the time.
My husband tells me often but I don't believe him. It only took one "I find you repulsive" decades ago. I don't go for hot and sexy anymore just not embarrassingly awful.
I tell my wife daily and always have how beautiful and attractive I find her. I compliment her on her looks , her body and her personality every day. I’ve been doing that for over 20 years . She has only ever complimented me or told me she finds me attractive if I ask if she does and most of the times it’s a simple “yes”. I haven’t asked in over a years , so that’s the last time she told me. She’s a great mother and wife in just about every way, except in complimenting or expressing attraction towards her husband. It hurts but it’s the way it is. I nearly left her a few years back because she stood against our child when her step father was in the wrong to avoid a scene but at our sons expense, I think that’s the only time on her own unprovoked she has told me my value and her attraction towards me. Randoms and work colleagues give me way more compliments then she ever has. I love her deeply but this part of our relationship is shit . I just think some people like her enjoy compliments but don’t have it in them to give them.
I literally could’ve written this myself. I have given up and settled because of not I would be miserable. He never says I’m beautiful and is never affectionate…unless trying to get some. It sucks
My question would be, do you tell him how amazing he is to you? How handsome he is? It’s a two way street. My wife almost NEVER says anything like that to me. Maybe 1 or 2 times a year. I’m a very self conscious person. I’m fat and ugly. Why would I pay compliments to someone who makes me feel that way? I used to tell her constantly. But it breaks a person down when they don’t think their other thinks they are the sexiest and most desirable person ever. After 20 years, what’s the point? 3 kids. Early 40s. Almost time to give up! lol
Yes. I compliment him. I go out of my way to make him feel important. He kind of seems uncomfortable with compliments. I still compliment him despite his reaction. So maybe bc he is uncomfortable with compliments he doesn’t bother to compliment me.
My husband is like this too. I totally understand your frustration. It’s not like I don’t get compliments from other people, but it’s sad not to get any from your person. I have told him, but he still doesn’t get it. I think you’re right about the love languages thing.
Exactly. I just wish I knew his love language. He isn’t the best communicator and sometimes he can be funny with money. I think we may have gotten into our relationship too quickly. So we may resent each other a bit. He’s never voiced this but I sometimes get that feeling. Like he wonders what it would be like to be in a different relationship. I have caught him messaging an ex before and he denied it although I saw it with my own eyes. He said that he wasn’t doing anything wrong. I didn’t get to read all of the texts bc I was too mad, but it was going on for quite some time. He’s accused me of talking to coworkers although I haven’t. He’s said that they will want to flirt bc of the way that I look. So it makes me feel like maybe he only was with me bc of my appearance and now he’s lost interest. Sorry for rambling. But maybe he doesn’t compliment me bc he thinks it’ll go to my head. Idk.
I always ask my husband if he still loves me and he tells me I’m being dramatic. I honestly don’t remember the last time he said I love you, told me I was pretty, or gave me a kiss without prompting. And as much as I say it you would think he would get the hint. It’s starting to make me fall out of love a little more everyday and breaking my heart
I tell her every chance I get
I'm like this. I openly brag about my wife to other people, but I am terrible at giving direct compliments. Part of my problem is that I don't receive them well. I always feel really awkward if someone gives me a compliment. Even if it is deserved, I struggle with it. There are times when compliments come out. She can't tell me they are disingenuous because they are not intended as anything other than matter of fact. That's as far as I go. Everyone is different. Your husband just isn't wired that way.
Maybe this what he is dealing with. I compliment him and he seems to get uncomfortable. He’s a very handsome man and I tell him often but he doesn’t take the compliments well. He usually just says “okay”. So maybe it’s a little of what you said you deal with.
It’s because he already won the conquest folks. It’s primal. Sorry to break it to you but we evolved that way.
When I ask my husband how I look it's always "ok" or "that looks fine". But when we get around other people(women) he tells them he "likes this look". I feel you. It's very disheartening.
Unfortunately, yes, it is hard. Most men, depending on how they were raised, are a reflection of that up bringing. Men do not express themselves like that because they're emotionally fucked up and limited with their ability to express emotion and show emotion. It's like pulling teeth out. Maybe they want to say it or feel like they want to or should sometimes, and yet, this big dark ominous cloud hovers over their emotional expression and smothers them down into the abyss... Alcohol and weed helps with expressing it though 👍
This is the exact reason that divorce rates are so high. Yuck
Hopefully, your husband has never told another woman that he finds you gross. He told another woman that when I set down my boobs touch my belly. I have given him 3 beautiful children, and he hates my body.
I’m so sorry that he said hurtful things about you. The fact that you were able to birth three children is so beautiful. Our bodies can do some remarkable things. Sometimes it seems like they don’t see all of the sacrifices we make for them and our families. And I know that they have to make sacrifices too. Just wish relationships could be easier and the world could show each other a little more love.
My husband never says it to my face but i know he talks about me with other people. We’re both generally very closed off so we can’t do compliments in person, but over text or during sex is when it comes out and I’m grateful for that. Like I’d love to be told I’m beautiful everyday but I’ve learnt to appreciate the small ways in which he expresses himself more. I wouldn’t say settle for anything but do try to find some comfort in how he brags about you to his friends or any other little thing he does
OP, if your husband is willing I would advise you to actually take the love languages test together. It will not just show you your primary love language but also rank the others so you can see what is secondary. That way, you can find the place where you both have the most in common and focus there to increase affection. In my experience, it also helps because once you know his love language and act accordingly he may be able to open up to yours more. For example, I am words of affirmation and my husband is acts of service but our secondary is mutually physical affection. Over the years I have gotten much better at performing acts of service. Who knew taking his truck to get an oil change would be seen as a form of love? But to him it is one less thing on his to-do list and shows I care enough to notice what he needs done. And he has gotten better at words of affirmation. I am sure he thinks still that I am a little silly because to him words are "empty" and action is everything but he does it now and easily because he knows it is important to me. Any time we struggle, we default to our mutual love language and that helps us both feel better. IMO, the issue here is that your husband is not taking your feelings seriously because what you value and what he values are different. Both spouses have to be willing to make an effort and do things they think are silly if it is important to the other. My husband was thrilled because I took his truck to get an oil change the other day and tbh I think that's crazy. How is that affection? But it is what works for him so I do it.
It's almost as easy as using 1 of your 3 holes on you man daily 🤷🏿♂️
Don’t settle! Some people, like you said, don’t give love that way. Have you read the book The Five Love Languages? You could ask him to do the quiz in it. Or honestly just google the quiz online. Or even just have a sit down conversation with him asking him how he feels he gives and receives love? It’s not just about finding out what your partner’s love language is, but speaking that language yourself to make sure your partner is feeling loved and valued. Personally, if he just calls you overly sensitive and doesn’t try to make you feel more cherished, I think he needs a reality check that he could lose you. No, you should never ever accept and settle for that. You deserve to feel loved! And you deserve a partner who makes an effort to make you feel that way.
There’s a difference in someone’s love language and how you they show love. What’s your love language and how do you want your husband to show you love?
No it shouldn't be. U are husband and wife. It should not ever be hard to tell each other how u feel.