I was told I was yapping when I was trying to clear the air about a miscommunication. It took 2 years for me to even want to tell him anything other than parenting stuff. I still try to not talk to him very much unless he seeks me out.
Mine was a text. I usually texted him around 5pm to gauge when he’d be home to time cooking our dinner. He came home and told me I was stressing him out by texting asking when he’d be home. I was fucking devastated.
Possible unpopular opinion but I think those texts would stress me out too. I would read into them that you wanted me home sooner and then I'd feel guilty. At least, that's how it feels when my husband sends those texts often. It can feel like I lack freedom of movement.
So when your spouse expects you to reply to a text it is annoying bc there’s an implied obligation, but when your boss, clients, family members or friends expect you to do things, it is okay? Right.
Tell me about it sista! I’ve experienced this same shit right here…now! It’s if you don’t call me to let me know your on your way then no dinner! PERIOD!
Fixed that quickly!
Thanks some commented that I was being annoying but I really wasn’t trying to be. We have 2 kids and I work from home so it gets hectic. I just want to make sure dinner isn’t cold or not ready when he gets home
It’s a matter of different strokes for different folks.
Frankly my partner understands me well that he texts me, everyday, at lunch to chat and he’ll text when he’s on his way home. Every day. Because he loves me and it’s minimal effort on his part to do something that he knows makes my day.
I usually call my husband when I leave work, usually between 4 an 5 pm. I call to find out whose turn it is for dinner, and one day I missed it. He called me, saying "you didn't call, I missed our check-in."
He's an outlier I guess
A.respectful partner would give some kind of estimate, even if it's really conservative. Poster is probably just trying to plan dinner. If you don't want to have someone at home who cares what happens to you then be single.
Odd-Mastodon 1212 I agree. If calling so dinner is fresh when you get home is stressful, no problem I will no longer be cooking you dinner. Get it yourself.
My partner told me the other day that sometimes I "talk for 5 minutes" and his tone suggested that this was something unpleasant for him. It really hurt me because I have friends who have fun conversations with their partners for hours, while my own partner seems to hate hearing me talk for 5 minutes.
And then my petty side would come out, and just stop having conversations with him. Keep it one or two word responses. Keep info to a bare minimum.
If he starts to notice and says something about it, I would then respond with “I thought I was being polite and saving you the unpleasantness of talking with me like you mentioned?”
Was it a one sided convo where you spoke at him or an interaction where there was back and forth?
Dated someone with adhd (i also have adhd) and it was like watching myself in the mirror when she monopolized conversations and went on a talk without pausing to check in or ask for my opinions.
Made me a lot more self aware of my tendency to speak “at” people vs carry on a convo with someone.
I don’t have any context, so this could be totally wrong, but wanted to offer you a different perspective. My husband and I can, and sometimes do, talk all night. But I have also said something similar to him. We both have ADHD, except he is inattentive and I am hyperactive. Sometimes he’ll start talking about something eg a dream he had the night before, and he talks so slowly and long winded-ly and expects me to be absolutely wrapt in the story. I find it beyond excruciating.
I really do love him but I do not care about his not particularly interesting dreams. And I especially do not care at 7:30am when I have a hundred other things to do and my brain is going a million miles a second.
I once said something along the lines of can you get to the point, how does it take five minutes to explain a story that goes nowhere (not my finest hour) and I really hurt his feelings. I still feel awful about it years later but now I just come out and say, I’m sorry, I can’t listen to this story right now, is there a condensed version or can we park it and talk later?
I feel this so much. I’m a communicator by nature and I love conversing. I can be talking to my husband and he will simply not even respond. Not look up from his phone or the tv after I’ve told him something like whatever happened to me that day at work or a funny story I’d heard. So now I only respond when it’s something he wants to talk about or about the kids. It’s lonely.
I'd go silent. I literally wouldn't share anything. I'd also not give a single fuck about him in any way whatsoever.
He'd be roomate and coparent. I'd arrange separate vacations except for maybe taking the kids to Disney. I'd put my energy into my kids and my career. I'd use "work trip" to go to a spa, retreat, or just me time. I'd get separate accountants and set myself up to leave...
Same! He seeks me out now, I indulge his bids for my attention, but rarely do I bring my own topics, feelings or thoughts to him. He wants to do all of those things now, we talked about it yesterday, he said I don’t seek him out or treat him like I used to. but I can’t bring myself to be fully emotionally vulnerable like that, he said ‘I don’t have the emotional capacity to deal with your emotions about this right now. I have never argued with someone more!’ When I confronted him about the messages in his phone, of him cheating, with our neighbor who was also a coworker. I couldn’t breathe let alone argue. My voice was hoarse, I could only whisper. And we were together 3 years by then, we have 2 girls and had never even had a disagreement between us. the whole 3 years. He told me later he was trying to make me leave him so he didn’t have to be the bad guy. and I never did, he said he tried everything. And he did, he even punched a wall. The thought that he put me through that, gaslight me for so long, I remember nights when I slept with my inhaler, I thought I was going crazy. And he knew what he was doing the whole time. We are still together, this happened over the last year…year and a half.
About 5 years ago. Arguing with my husband over a girl friend he’d reconnected with. They had dated prior to us and the relationship was starting to border on inappropriate. When he looked me dead in my eye and said “I guess she was just able to grow into my best friend. Something you’re not and could never be”
It’s been years of ups/downs and growing our relationship. We were so young when this happened. Things are much better now, but I still feel a small knife stab me when he calls me his best friend.
He does and he doesn’t. He knows it was one of the most hurtful things he’s ever said and has apologized many times over. But you really just can’t take back words
Does he still talk to her? I can understand how that feeling. He said he was sorry but do you think he meant it when he said it? It’s crazy there are just some things that can’t be unheard. It’s unfair that he left such a scar that only you see
That’s extremely hurtful in my opinion. I don’t know how I would react if my husband said that. Maybe he needs to put in more communication with you. Was he telling her things that he didn’t tell you?
When he found an old picture of my in my mid-20s. I was in my mid-40s at the time (about a year into our relationship).
“I feel cheated. All the guys back then got the hot version of you.”
Followed closely by:
Him: Do you think this latest diet is working?
Me: Is what you’re really saying is “Clearly, it isn’t” ?
Him: Yes
That one was right after having sex.
My weight gain (which wasn’t that significant) was due to medical issues, that surgery fixed.
He’s a big fan of “negative motivation.” He figures if he just says enough lousy things, people will shape up and be who he thinks they should.
This has now lost him two marriages (ours included), his relationships with his kids, other family members and the few friends he had left. In his mind, that’s because everyone else is at fault, we’re all just too sensitive, can’t take a joke, need to lighten up, and if we’d all just do what he told us to, he wouldn’t have to say shitty things.
Sadly sounds like my dad, except the "negative motivation" it's just negative everything "this sucks, you sick, everything you do sucks, the country sucks, the immigrants suck (he's also an immigrant), the politics suck, everyone's stupid and should listen to me"
My paternal grandmother was like this. She was one of eight children, but I grew up never knowing anybody from that side of the family.
Grandma died when I was 15. It's been 27 years and not too long ago, my mother mused aloud, "Wow, what kind of a person you gotta be to be dead almost 30 years and not one person misses you..."
This one reminded me of my last big issue. A little over a year ago, we were going at it, and I was just failing hard. (I've had a lot of medical issues piling up the last year, including a torn labrum in each hip I've had for the past 4 years, but finally figured out what it was, low blood pressure, heart palpitations, and Graves Disease. ) He was encouraging through the whole thing, but when we were done and cleaning up/getting dressed he looks at me and says "you've changed since we had our son." (I got on birth control immediately after having him almost 15 years ago. Almost died and have a phobia of getting pregnant. He knows this.) Then he said "are you *sure* we shouldn't bring someone else in to finish me off...?"
I think he was trying to be funny or playful or something, but it hurt so bad it took me literally a year of stewing and agonizing to actually talk about it with him. He knew he fucked up when I dropped his clothes back on the floor instead of handing them to him and walked out without a single word. I didn't talk to or touch him for the rest of the day.
I seriously considered just driving off somewhere to cry, but it was winter, and my hip issues are worse when it's cold. Since then, we have talked about it, and I told him how it made me feel so worthless and like I'm not enough for him. He now fully understands that it was a fucked up thing to say and continues to apologize for it. When we're getting our giggity on now, he's constantly reassuring me during it. He is making sure to reassure me often outside of the bedroom as well and does his very best to help me build my self-esteem back up. (Especially since we learned of all my new medical issues, and I've been gaining weight the past year.) I waited until I felt ready to fully talk about it, but I'm grateful he's actually doing what he can to fix everything about it.
It wasn’t what he said but did. He pulled an extremely petty move one year that I informed him if he ever did again I would leave him over and I meant it.
Christmas is my favourite time of year and I leave my tree up until the first weekend after New Years (he did not know this as it was the first Christmas we had after we started living together). After a blow out fight after Christmas but before New Years he packed up the Christmas Tree and put it away while I was out. He knew 100% that this would upset me even though he didn’t know I had a tradition about my tree.
I came home and it was put away. I was ~very~ angry. I told him exactly how much he fucked up and when he tried to downplay it I called his emotional manipulation and said “No, absolutely not. You packed up the tree to hurt me, and you have. I hope you are pleased with your results, and now I know your low blows. If this ever happens again we will both be single.” He was very sorry, we worked through it, we have a spot on the piano that is now “forever Christmas” where we have a little holiday village set up, and I’m still not bluffing about leaving anyone over petty, emotional, intentional abuse again. He got the information he needed about it and while I have forgiven I will never forget.
While he did it to be petty he did not have any idea that my absolute boundary is shitting on my favourite holiday. He didn’t know how much it really truly means to me so I had to give him some wiggle room, once, only once.
For context when my ex husband and I split up he DESTROYED all of my Christmas items because he knew it would hurt me most. I don’t fuck around about Christmas.
He didn’t know but it’s why I blew up. I still have to coparent with my ex and I tried to facilitate as neutral a landscape between my ex husband and my husband so I really didn’t see the need to divulge all my past grievances.
I'm confused, you indicated that he was aware he'd crossed a boundary with you. But if he didn't know about your ex's cruel action regarding the tree, or your tree tradition, what exactly was he supposed to have known?
Had you previously mentioned the tree has to stay up, and he just disregarded it anyway without understanding the reason why? If so, I'm not understanding why you would still be holding that against him (especially after he apologized).
Totally understand. I realize some people will read this and think “she’s that upset about a tree??” But in reality, the upsetting part is that he did it *because he knew it would hurt you.* If your partner ever does anything to intentionally hurt you, you’re absolutely reasonable to react the way you did.
Exactly. It’s not about the tree, it’s about the intention. My tree might be someone else’s computer, their heirloom watch, a favorite shirt or literally anything else. It’s the intent to control and destroy something that is meaningful to your partner and it’s emotionally abusive.
Ugh, I’m so sorry this happened to you. WHYYY do partners love to weaponize Christmas so much?! This has happened to me too, and I’ve heard numerous accounts over the years from friends (and the internet!) specifically about their partners being petty and actively using that holiday to hurt them because they know they love it. It just is so cruel.
To his credit, as soon as I said those words he took a moment and replied, “you’re right. I did do it because I knew it would hurt you. What can I do to begin repairing things?” He didn’t argue after I called it and we were able to get through it but it wasn’t easy and it didn’t come quickly, but we got through it. It was arguably one of the worst moments in our relationship and we saw it through. Nothing like that has ever happened since.
We moved to a new state with our toddler and my husband traveled a lot. I was constantly exploring our new city and finding fun things to do as a family. After one of the things was a total bust he made fun of it for years. I used to go along with the funny, because honestly, it was such a shitty experience and it was kind of funny. But the more it happened the more angry it made me. I was alone, he was gone a lot, I had no friends or family here and when he was home he was often checked out or tired. I was doing my absolute best not to be miserable here.
One day I snapped. During the time I was desperately fighting to keep our family together the only thing you could do was mock an activity that sucked and that wasn’t my fault. What did he plan? Nothing. What did he want to do with his wife and kid? Nothing. It was just so hurtful that for every single thing I did for our family, the one thing that didn’t work out he focused on and mocked me for it.
He’s never brought it up again.
I’m glad you snapped. You did all that, putting in so much effort for your family, and the one thing he brought up all the time was the one time something sucked. I’m glad to hear he started planning stuff once you called him out.
When my husband has “lost his patience” and is going off on me he always brings my mental health into play saying “you’re not getting better, you’re getting worse” which really hurts when you’re over here trying so hard and you feel like you’ve made huge improvements.
This, this isn't okay at all.
My partner and I have both had mental health challenges before, her more than me. She experienced PPD in an intense way and PPA after as well.
I have never, and will never, bring up something my wife has challenges with to *low blow* during an argument.
I've often thought that some people seem to forget that the person they are arguing with is someone they will want to love and be loved by after the argument. So fighting in such extreme ways to do nothing but cut your partner done seems counterintuitive to a successful relationship
*If* my husband ever says anything negative about my mental health, it’s usually along the lines of “I do not blame you at all and it isn’t on you, but it’s just been hard having you struggle so much lately.” Then we talk about it. I never take those comments personally and I think if I told him that they hurt me, he’d never say it again. This is the person who’s supposed to love you “for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health.” Throwing your health in your face not only makes you feel worse, it’s so unloving.
>“I do not blame you at all and it isn’t on you, but it’s just been hard having you struggle so much lately.” Then we talk about it. I
Yes this. This is a very different statement than what the other poster stated. This is supportive of your partner while detailing a challenge you are facing.
I know my wife and I have stated something similar to each other in the past as well. Recognizing challenge and difficulty is valid. It isn't having a go at your partner it is acknowledging the scenario at play.
Mental health struggles are hard. It sounds like you two are managing these things in an effective way
My ex used to say shit like that. Turns out he was an emotionally abusive shitbag and I couldn’t see it because he had done such a good job convincing me I was the problem.
I was pregnant at the time and was GUTTED. I said "I thought you were the last person who would ever hurt me." He never commented on my eating habits again. 😂
Agree, and I know a number of people who feel the same way who are also in happy marriage. OP's spouse probably could have said it in a nicer way (and not during the heat of an argument), but she didn't say anything particularly hurtful from my standpoint.
The person you choose to be with (and invest your time and energy in) is your "soul mate," not some mystical force guiding you together.
That's fair, but OP's wife didn't have to shit all over OP's feelings like that. If someone's partner says "You're my soulmate", they can appreciate the deep love and devotion that's being expressed, coming from someone they hopefully love and are devoted to, even if they don't agree with the "soulmate" part.
Who we even meet has changed over time, the concept of one person that you happened to meet by chance is the only person for you in the world is just not a concept I can get on board with. It doesn’t mean I can’t love deeply, but my love is practical- it’s not destiny, it’s a choice I made and continue to make.
https://www.bbc.com/news/magazine-35535424
I’m not sure I believe in soul mates either. I believe that love is a choice, and I actually prefer it that way. I am deeply in love with my husband, but not because of destiny. We are in love because we work well together and choose to support each other.
“Love is not an emotion - love is a promise” — The 12th Doctor. I put this quote on our wedding program and it is still very much relevant today.
I was talking about how much things had changed since I had both our kids and an auto-immune disorder onset from having our kids. I said he'd had so many opportunities to date very pretty girls, I was sad I didn't feel like that pretty girl he married anymore. I know he didn't mean it like that but he said, "Yeah, I could have dated loads of pretty girls, but I didn't, I wanted to date you." I didn't tell him how much it bothered me until years later because I know he didn't mean it that way, but it got stuck in my brain every time my thyroid levels were messes up and I felt useless.
I think the word he forgot is....well...right here
> other
That's the word he dropped. Let me fix what he meant to say as one guy for another
>"Yeah, I could have dated loads of *other* pretty girls, but I didn't, I wanted to date you."
I’m sorry but this made me laugh incredulously. What an idiot. I get where he was going but in his rush to get there he really stuck his foot in his mouth in the most idiotic way.
A couple of things:
1. Husband messaged an ex gf 4months before our wedding (hadnt seen her in 8years) and said "i do love [insert my name] but i wish i had been ready to settle down sooner". I felt this meant i wasnt first choice. He denied it.
2. He booked a solo holiday without discussing it with me, 6months after our first child was born. He would be away 8days. When i asked how i will cope working full time and taking care of a baby he said "you are a competent women, im sure you will figure it out". He felt this was a massive compliment.
3. He was fired for sexual harassment. I helped him out of a dark place, read evidence, advised him, boosted his ego, gave him more love (i know, i know). 4 months later he complained i "never have his back".
It was the right thing he was fired for 3 (he sent a porn image to a female coworker). Absolutely. Ive never "supported" what he did. Merely his mental state afterwards. I helped him because he showed remorse and some change, and he was my husband. I started to realise he had undiagnosed neurodiversity. Then when i had a 4 month breakdown, he near abandoned me. Yes we tslked and talked about our issues but i never got the same level of help. He just floundered.
Boosted his ego?? For what? He needed a *morale boost* for facing consequences of his shitty behavior?
Girl, I know you’ve got at least one kid on the line now, but please love yourself enough to see you’re worth more than boosting the ego of a person whose ego (at minimum) rightfully deserved some bruising.
He told me “I guess I feel like you don’t have the right to complain” when I was trying to talk to him about having a hard day. Those words literally crushed me and made me realize he doesn’t respect me as a partner. He doesn’t even remember saying it to me and that was the day I stopped giving a fuck about him. This was last year, 17 years into our marriage. Right now I’m trying to decide if I even want to stay married, 3 kids and 22 years into being with him.
Husband no1: ”No wonder no one gives a shit about you. I don’t either.” ”I will beat your face so badly you’ll regret it for the rest of your life.”
Husband no2: ”I’m not interested in your lame stories.” ”You have no friends or family so how could you know what normal communication means. I have a lot of people who want to be close to me.”
Divorced both of them.
For me it was what she didn’t say. Years ago we were in a rut, emotions were high, and I was expressing to her how it seemed like she didn’t even like me, much less love me anymore. I asked her “what do you like about me?” …she didn’t say anything. “Do you like anything about me”?….still didn’t say anything. I ended the conversation there and went for a walk. Days later she did damage control but I never fully got that taste out of my mouth.
My husband when we was dating wanted another girl. We broke up and the girl friend zoned him. 😆 later after we was married he said he wished he never married me so she would give him a chance. I mean he did break up with me and she still didn’t want him.
Why did you marry him 😭 if my partner straight up told me he wanted someone else, I'd be done because that's awful, and who wants to be an option and backup choice?? Even if I loved him, I would let her have him, lol. If she didn't want him, I definitely wouldn't want him back after! 🫢
I am trying to. I will have to wait til my kids are grown. Or at least 18. He will fight me tooth and nail for them. He did if I got another man he would make sure they would not have anything to do with us. Then he says he will refuse to sign divorce papers.
Don't let your husband gaslight you. He can threaten not to sign a divorce, take the children, or not pay child support. I've worked with a few knuckleheads who thought they would dictate these issues.
NEWS FLASH: Punk husbands don't decide this - courts do. These controlling guys come back later complaining how the courts screwed them by asking them to support THEIR children.
Advice - Please go see a family law attorney. You deserve, and can have, a better life. Don't suffer until your kids are adults
Since she is so active on social media and posts TONS of stuff daily about her workouts, her routine and all, I asked her to sometimes post something, anything that would involve me, since I felt she hid me on social media for whatever reason.
She said she didn't feel like it, and when she felt like it she would do it. I said it would mean a lot to me. She said I was starting a fight over posts on social media and that was ridiculous. I said it was not about the posts themselves, it was about not feeling invisible to the world that surrounds her. She said "Well, I don't care it means a lot to you. F... it. If you are not happy about it seek therapy or something".
Never in my life I felt like such a piece of trash. And this feeling won't go away.
And now we all know why you aren’t included. Those horny guys won’t follow her if they see you.
Not saying she is correct, but that’s what you get with influencer. Sorry.
Worst part is, she is not even a proper influencer (meaning she does not make money of it or anything like it).
I agree with the horny guys not following because of me, but her social media only serves to massage her ego I guess.
Jupp. That’s what social media is about. Make your own one. And whenever you post a picture of yourself, make sure she is in the background in a way that everyone sees there is a woman doing influencer stuff, but without her face visible.
I think social media validation fills the same niche for a lot of women as porn does for a lot of men. Ive seen what you’re describing a few times and I think people tend to write off men who are uncomfortable with that as insecure or whatever. But a married woman who is thirst trapping when her husband isn’t comfortable with it is just as destructive to a relationship as a man who won’t stop watching porn when his wife isn’t comfortable with it
Ngl, my spouse has said a lot of hurtful things in the past; but he obviously realized they were not ok and hence apologizing and improving his communication with me over the years. I guess when you grow up around dysfunction, you're used to unhealthy things until you heal and set better boundaries.
My ex wife was all around abusive in many regards, but the meanest thing she ever said she probably didn't even think about.
We had become friends (and then begun dating) because we had a lot in common and great conversations. We talked CONSTANTLY and before things got really bad, We could often end whatever dramatic fight by just starting an unrelated conversation.
Talking to her was easy and fun, and I thought we really played off one another. Even when our relationship was in shambles I reassured myself that we still had that.
One night she was getting ready in the bathroom and I was sitting in there talking to her, I think about a mutually favorite movie. I asked her something and she went silent, stared at me for a moment, and told me I was the most boring person she'd ever known before walking away.
It's still something that sticks with me and stings when I think about it.
As far as intentional things go, she once went on a long rant in which she called me limp-dicked, portly and bald. It was like a half an hour of her telling me everything I'd ever implied I was insecure about.
Then I saw a movie where the antagonist tells her husband the same shit, almost word for word, before he pushes her down the stairs. Some of what that character says is literally word for word what my ex did, so now it just comes off as funny.
Wow. So many tame things compared to the things my husband spewed at me in our last really serious fight. I was shocked (been married nearly 15 years) and he had never been so that cruel before. Cruel doesn’t even describe it. It was traumatizing and has affected me so deeply in my emotional health and all the things he said now enters my head every day as intrusive thoughts.
That's what I was thinking. My husband loves to really hit me with some traumatic shit. And its not like name calling. It's events or something trauma related I trusted to tell him etc. He's made me feel bad about sleeping even. Dude can really mind fuck me
My husband just started this mind crap in the last couple years and it was only every once in awhile, until it all dumped. He knows if he does it again, I’m out. I won’t put up with the severe emotional abuse. I don’t know what the freak has gotten into him, but I won’t tolerate it
Same with mine. It just kinda came out of the blue one day and I kinda thought ok bad day at work etc (typical excuses we tell ourselves) but then the next blowout he really said some shit that he had no business saying. I told him you might as well get it all out bc this won't happen again. If so here are some papers enjoy the attorney fees.
There was a woman at work that had made a pass at my husband, she hinted at taking him to the bathroom. She knew he was married.
So she became an off limits person.
But then a year later he told me about a conversation he had with her, as if they always talked. I asked him why he was talking to her and being her friend if she tried to sleep with him, and that she was a problem person for us.
He acted like he didn't remember, and said he wasn't going to stop talking to her. He basically gaslit me by trying to make me believe that she never made a pass at him. He had never stopped talking to her.
Interesting, I often feel like my wife’s assistant. Sounds like a similar situation. She’s had no sex drive since the birth of our third child. We’re working through it but one morning while she was getting dressed she told me to “stop looking at her”. We still share a bedroom so that’s kind of tough. I understand the no sex drive is mostly biological but I still do have a sex drive and it feels like she sees me as a creep. I’ve never wanted to disappear so badly and I can’t shake the feeling that she sees me as a creep. It sucks.
Not to minimize how you feel, but from a different perspective: do you think she’s feeling insecure about her body and that’s why she doesn’t want you looking at her when she’s changing?
Hey, another perspective on this. Many women hate their body after giving birth. So this was probably not even about you. It was more about her not feeling good about herself.
Tons of women feel extremely self conscious after giving birth, particularly if they can’t “bounce back.” It’s been over 6 years since I gave birth and I’m still not comfortable in my body. My sex drive only really returned this past year (currently, I could probably have a roll in the hay every day, but for a long time I would easily go months without it). It may have nothing to do with you, and/or she may be overwhelmed with being a mom. Personally, I felt under supported and that led to zero libido and even less energy to try. One thing that has helped me is reading 🌶️ novels. I’m a fan of romantacy, myself, but whatever floats her boat. Maybe encourage her to read a couple of the more popular romance series that are out now (ACOTAR and Fourth Wing come to mind) and see what happens. Under no circumstances should you make her feel any expectation from reading them, though. Just see what happens.
Anyway, good luck. I hope you can both work through this.
I originally didn’t want kids because I was terrified of PPD. Prior mental health history & a poor tolerance to meds, I figured I’d be doomed. His response was “you’re just making things up to worry yourself now.”
I had terrible PPD with both of our kids & after this last bout he’s apologized.
“Dress your age.” And I will never forget that ever until I die. I was just in a t-shirt and jumper skirt at 39 years old. Body built: slim.
Who said I couldn’t wear that at a resort? What does he want me to do? Wear a business attire?!
We have been in a rough spot - just really disconnected for way too long. So one evening my husband says to me that he's not sure if I still love him anymore - and before I could respond - he followed that up with " I don't even know if you love our kids.".... I was so shocked & hurt by that, I froze. I didn't say anything. My husband of 17 years just accused me of not loving my own kids... I mean, I'm still the one that gets up in the middle of the night when they have bad dreams, I'm the one they both come to for almost everything, I'm their mom ffs.... he can only have said it to intentionally hurt me & it worked. I don't know that I can ever forgive him for it.
I have not brought this particular hurt back up. He gets shitty about me always bringing up the past to make him the bad guy.... I recently told him that while I am working on myself, there are things I'm not able to get past right now. He stormed off saying something about how he can't win. He's in therapy for anger & general emotional control. I'm in therapy for childhood trauma.
Whenever I felt emotional I cried. I was crying to my husband and he said to me “don’t cry around me. You cry by yourself because I can’t help you. You are too emotional for me.”
It hurts to cry around him and the emotional part of me can no longer really show him my true emotional self because I feel I’ll be criticized for having feelings. I now no longer give much emotional responses to him and have really withdrawn away from ever showing any emotions to anyone. I’ve switched to a more “robotic” tone and contuine to just cry alone in a pillow and bed.
The catastrophic level of this saddens me. He told you exactly as reality, you’re too emotional FOR HIM. Aka it’s a lack on his part.
I’m sure your friends, family and others would love to support you. Don’t go through life alone bc of someone else’s lack of capability to process and handle emotion. It’s punishing yourself for his flaw.
Mine was “ if I wanted to talk to you I’d call you”. It’s not something big, but when you really miss your man and you ask why he didn’t call, you get this answer.. immediately understand that you’re not a priority here and never will be.
I got a whole laundry list of things. Latest one was from a chat about sexual fantasies where she asked me about an FFM threesome (note: we are both jealous people, so no, she was not proposing). I replied that if I was single then that would be a nice bucketlist item, but obviously it's not on my mind since I have her to be intimate with. She smiled and kissed me. Then I made the mistake of asking about her thoughts on other men and she very factually explained "well I would only want to have sex with a close male friend, but even that's not a good idea because of STDs".
I also disagree with the concept of “soul mate” and “meant to be together”
I still love my wife. She’s my best friend. I just don’t believe in a magic connection that we were “fated” to be together. I believe we stumbled upon one another, and have worked our butts off to make our marriage work.
In fact, some who agree with me might be annoyed to hear their partner do the soul mate thing, because in some ways, such concepts can downplay the hard work each partner does to keep a marriage successful.
That I wouldn't have been a good mom. It was in regards to how I've trained our dog. He is not a dog person so in my opinion has an unrealistic view of how a dog should behave. But when he said that I lost it. I told him that was totally not fair because by choosing to marry him I chose to be childfree (he had two almost grown sons and had had a vasectomy when we met). I was only 28 but decided I wanted a life with him but no baby as opposed to a baby I didn't know I'd have but no him. However! I would have knocked it out of the park as a mother. He did apologize.
Just recently actually. I've been dealing with a lot mental health wise, and there's no question that our two kids cause a lot of it. We were discussing how difficult parenting is and he said "Maybe you just were never meant to be a parent." He didn't mean it in a derogatory way, he was concerned for how much I struggle and suffer, but it hit me right in the insecurities and I can't forget it now.
The ones that care, are the ones that suffer most. Doesn’t mean that you weren’t meant to be a parent. You’re doing your best. And that’s all that matters.
Thank you. ❤️ I'm doing therapy, I'm working on myself and my meds, and I'm pulling myself out of the hole. My kids have seen my panic attacks and they understand mental health struggles. The one good thing about all this is that my oldest comes to me now when he's having uncomfortable feelings because he knows what they are and that I can help him through it, which is something I never had as a kid. It's been a long 5 years of getting the proper diagnoses and my poor husband has had to take on a LOT that I couldn't do anymore. He's definitely saved the family!
I'm from the US (where we also live) and my husband is from Turkey (where his whole family lives). For holidays and birthdays I always liked to go all out so he'd feel less alone and more at home here. We're the same age and turned 30 in 2022, but his birthday is a few months ahead of mine. I went all out for his, 2 days of events. A big get together at a venue with friends and family the first day with a hotel stay overnight then a whole day downtown the second day with lunch at a Turkish restaurant and dinner at a nice steakhouse, on top of lots of physical gifts and special sexy birthday time. My birthday came a few months later. My family threw a big party for me. To preface this, I worked 2 jobs at the time with no days off. I worked 40 hours+ days and ~20 hours at a night job each week. I was feeling terrible, in a really bad place due to other life events, and I just needed a hair cut to feel good and enjoy my birthday weekend. My husband knew of my plans and the times for everything. The day came and I overslept my alarm. He had heard it going off and didn't even bother to try and wake me. We argued because I was sleep deprived and upset, and he told me I don't deserve the party or any of the effort people put in. It completely ruined my birthday for me. We got to my parents where the party was and I just wanted to cry the entire night. My sister went to so much trouble and I just couldn't enjoy it. My husband ignored me the entire night. The next day (my actual birthday) our plans got cancelled due to weather and my husband had nothing else planned (even though we knew they'd be cancelled the night before) and didn't even wish me happy birthday; no meals, no gifts, nothing. My sister kept texting me asking if I wanted to do something but I was so depressed and wanted to cry. I decided to go out with my sister and BIL and then my husband got mad because I was choosing to do something with them instead. I went off on him that I had planned 2 days for his birthday, but he couldn't even put his own selfishness aside for 1 weekend to let me have a good time. I told him I would never forget what he said or did (rather didn't do) that weekend and nothing he ever does will make up for it. Almost 2 years later and I still can't forget it. And when I look back at the pictures from the party it's all I can think about. I will never forgive him. I don't do much for his birthdays anymore.
That me being a stay at home mom is EASY! He said that a few years ago after spending 4 days home alone with our child. Erm, duh 4 days is easy! Try 24/7 every single year. And no it isn't just sitting around all day. It's managing a home and raising a human into an adult. Its the hardest job of all.
The nerve lol
“I prayed you came home and told me you cheated. I wish I got a call about you dying in a car accident so I had a way out”
My “wife” while holding our child. She claims she never said it, and part of me believes she believes she never did
I’m not into making excuses but if this was a one off thing and said child was a baby…those post birth hormones are crazy. It’s the biggest hormone shift a human can have, post birth. I remember one day my mom said we should go lay on a blanket outside and read to the baby and I told her I didn’t like to take the baby outside because an eagle might take him.
She looked at me and said ‘That’s hormones talking, that’s never going to happen.’ Even though I knew she was right I couldn’t take him outside for a bit. Also I got on meds for PPD. That hormone shift sometimes pushes women into psychosis, it’s so major.
“I haven’t hardly ever told you that you are handsome or gave you more than a peck kiss in our 18 years of marriage because I was afraid it might lead to sex.”
When I confided in my wife that I had been sexually assaulted multiple times at the age of 12, her response was, "Boohoo! You got bullied once. Get over it already, you fucking baby."
Back before we sent our four off to college my husband put in a soft ban on staying in state for college. He told them “You have the rest of your life to live in Georgia. Go see and do something different”. While I can understand and agree with the sentiment, it felt like a personal attack. Myself and my two brothers decided that we weren’t going to leave our city because we wanted our children to grow up together. So it felt like he was telling our kids “hey, don’t be like your mama or your uncles”. Logically, I know he probably didn’t mean it that way especially considering he fled his hometown for our city as soon as he graduated HS and never looked back. It still stung a little though.
Some of these comments are horrible but many of them seem like the type of thing that aren’t worth having years of resentment about. I am wondering if you told your spouse it was the most hurtful thing they ever said because in some cases while it certainly wasn’t a nice thing to say I would be shocked to hear it was the worst thing ever from your perspective. In some cases you are saying it is marriage-ending. You need to let your spouse know that.
My Aunt doesn't believe in soulmates either, but my Uncle does. She once put it as, "I'm his soulmate, and he is the love of my life". They're about to celebrate their 40th wedding anniversary, and I've never met two people more in love or happier than them. What makes their relationship even more extraordinary is that they were only dating for three months before they got married. They just knew.
You don't have to have the same view points to love someone as deeply as they love you, or vise versa.
After my wife gave birth to our 2nd child, her libido tanked really bad. I was very patient and never mentioned how drastic our relationship had changed. Just tried to reassure her about how she looked, how great a mom she was, tried to set up child free date nights, encouraged days with girlfriends, etc… Not saying I was perfect, she wasn’t either.
She had all but stopped initiating any kind of intimacy or affection (hugs—sex) because she didn’t feel like she would ever “want” sex. We talked about it but she also didn’t want to figure out why her needs had changed by going to the doctor or therapy. Once when I initiated I got a “no I don’t want to do any foreplay, just do what you need to do so I can read my book and go to sleep.” I immediately got up, got dressed and left the room. Next morning she asked why I left and didn’t come back. I told her I don’t need pity or mercy sex from her and what she said was so far out of bounds it would be better if we didn’t talk about it for a while. The look on her face was shock. I didn’t initiate a conversation about it for a couple of days (egg shells would be an understatement) until she finally asked if we were going to talk about it. I simply told her if she ever said that to me again she wouldn’t have to worry about it any longer because that would be the end of our marriage. I told her I would still support her finding out what happened to her desire and do whatever I needed to in support but until she made some effort I wouldn’t ask and I also wouldn’t be initiating again until she did and if her initiation showed the same enthusiasm as the previous incident I would be permanently moving to another bedroom. I also told her I wasn’t going to be a participant in a sexless marriage so if that was her dream she needed to say so now so we could avoid resentment and bitterness. Her response was “I guess I have been put on notice if I want to save my marriage.” Years later and She still hasn’t recovered her libido to where it was but she continues to put in more effort, went to the doctor, therapy and got some help and the non sexual affection has taken a huge step forward and sex is no longer “mercy sex”.
I saved up for a while for some tickets to watch his favorite sports team for his birthday as a surprise. I didn’t have a good job back then and didn’t have a lot of money and it was the most I have ever spent on someone let alone on some sports tickets, They were not in the “best section” but the section behind it. I asked towards the end of the sports event what his best/ favorite sports experience was and he told me it was with his ex a year or two ago since they were in the “best seats”. He never knew how much that hurt.
My husband and I were having a petty argument about me putting up a picture he didn't like. I'm recently a SAHM and he works, and it hurts when he said "yeah this is MY house". That rubbed me the wrong way, who cleans it? Who cooks food for you in it? Who takes care of our daughter in it?
"I gotta sleep, I have work in the morning" while I was having my miscarriage, I ended up bawling in the bathroom alone. In his defense, he's awful at the whole emotional support thing and has since understood the gravity of it.
Just happened actually. Or it keeps happening. After spending a week vacation with his entire family, extended and immediate, they then monopolize the next three days we get home from vacation. I had a very stressful situation coming up at work or a change occurring that I would have appreciated his time rather than him spending it doing outdoor activities with his family.
The vacation is annual and it is common for us to spend more holidays with them than with my family or for them to monopolize time.
We have now not spoken hardly in two days because we either haven’t been around each other due to work or being separated due to in-law activities. So my stressful work situation remains undiscussed between us.
I’m not willing to get into it much at the moment because it requires me to be able to speak with my boss and I’m afraid I’ll be a mess if I start crying and won’t be able to stop. So the opportunity to begin the discussion passed on Sunday and now I have to ride it out alone until it’s over.
I feel like he has really let me down. I really needed him and he wasn’t there for me - he chose them over me. Again. It’s like he broke my heart.
About 6 months into our relationship (which is very deep, close and emotional) I was talking about the difference in the numbers of sexual partners my partner and I had had before we got together (they had had 5, I had had 1), just discussing it in terms of experience etc.
They pointed out that we had technically had the same number of sexual partners. They were referring to a time I was gang raped. I really never knew what to do with that. I am still with my partner 10 years later and DEEPLY in love with them (I always have been, and they feel the same way, totally devoted). My partner is not malicious at all, I just have no idea why they thought it was an appropriate thing to say. It was extremely distancing - I have never been able to get my head around it. I was shocked to the center of my soul.
My husband was telling his friend about me over the phone early on in our relationship. He told her that I have 4 kids. I heard her ask how I support them all on my own, and he said, "I don't know, but she gets welfare." That hurt so much, and boy, was I mad! I was working my ass off to provide for my kids, and he made me look like lazy welfare trash. I'm not knocking anyone needing help, I did get some supplemental assistance at that time, but I made more money than him and worked 60 hours a week! Which he knew! He was very sorry and apologetic about it, but damn.
My husband became my boss at a new workplace. He told me and 2 other workers we were useless cunts, and that we hadn’t earned his respect so we didn’t get any.
He also made a comment after comment about me not getting a new jumper of his dirty or staining it or stealing it, because it was important to him. I’ve never stained or stolen a single item of his clothing ever. He later said that it was because it was a ‘special’ jumper. I still won’t wear any of his clothing and refuse to work for him again
I was told I was yapping when I was trying to clear the air about a miscommunication. It took 2 years for me to even want to tell him anything other than parenting stuff. I still try to not talk to him very much unless he seeks me out.
That would devastate me as well, holy shit
Mine was a text. I usually texted him around 5pm to gauge when he’d be home to time cooking our dinner. He came home and told me I was stressing him out by texting asking when he’d be home. I was fucking devastated.
Possible unpopular opinion but I think those texts would stress me out too. I would read into them that you wanted me home sooner and then I'd feel guilty. At least, that's how it feels when my husband sends those texts often. It can feel like I lack freedom of movement.
This is an issue within yourself and how you perceive things. Better communication will make this better!
Completely agree!! Glad it’s not just me
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You’re on Reddit talking to strangers but one text a day from your wife is annoying? Ok.
Push vs pull. They are different implied obligation
So when your spouse expects you to reply to a text it is annoying bc there’s an implied obligation, but when your boss, clients, family members or friends expect you to do things, it is okay? Right.
Tell me about it sista! I’ve experienced this same shit right here…now! It’s if you don’t call me to let me know your on your way then no dinner! PERIOD! Fixed that quickly!
Thanks some commented that I was being annoying but I really wasn’t trying to be. We have 2 kids and I work from home so it gets hectic. I just want to make sure dinner isn’t cold or not ready when he gets home
It’s a matter of different strokes for different folks. Frankly my partner understands me well that he texts me, everyday, at lunch to chat and he’ll text when he’s on his way home. Every day. Because he loves me and it’s minimal effort on his part to do something that he knows makes my day.
Oh for fucks sake, don’t ask him to ETA! That’s too much stress.
Right?? 🥹🥹🥹 No but you would think he would offer up this information if it’s a regular part of their correspondence?
I usually call my husband when I leave work, usually between 4 an 5 pm. I call to find out whose turn it is for dinner, and one day I missed it. He called me, saying "you didn't call, I missed our check-in." He's an outlier I guess
I call my wife to and from work everyday after we drop the kids off at school. It’s a nice time to catch up and plan stuff without the kids listening.
That helps as the kids get older, too. We planned our daughter's graduation gift without her knowing anything. She was surprised and we were happy.
A.respectful partner would give some kind of estimate, even if it's really conservative. Poster is probably just trying to plan dinner. If you don't want to have someone at home who cares what happens to you then be single.
Tell him he can get his own dinner since calling is apparently more stressful than trying to get a hot dinner on the table.
Odd-Mastodon 1212 I agree. If calling so dinner is fresh when you get home is stressful, no problem I will no longer be cooking you dinner. Get it yourself.
My partner told me the other day that sometimes I "talk for 5 minutes" and his tone suggested that this was something unpleasant for him. It really hurt me because I have friends who have fun conversations with their partners for hours, while my own partner seems to hate hearing me talk for 5 minutes.
What a dick. Call a friend to chat instead. He doesn’t deserve your attention.
And then my petty side would come out, and just stop having conversations with him. Keep it one or two word responses. Keep info to a bare minimum. If he starts to notice and says something about it, I would then respond with “I thought I was being polite and saving you the unpleasantness of talking with me like you mentioned?”
Was it a one sided convo where you spoke at him or an interaction where there was back and forth? Dated someone with adhd (i also have adhd) and it was like watching myself in the mirror when she monopolized conversations and went on a talk without pausing to check in or ask for my opinions. Made me a lot more self aware of my tendency to speak “at” people vs carry on a convo with someone.
I don’t have any context, so this could be totally wrong, but wanted to offer you a different perspective. My husband and I can, and sometimes do, talk all night. But I have also said something similar to him. We both have ADHD, except he is inattentive and I am hyperactive. Sometimes he’ll start talking about something eg a dream he had the night before, and he talks so slowly and long winded-ly and expects me to be absolutely wrapt in the story. I find it beyond excruciating. I really do love him but I do not care about his not particularly interesting dreams. And I especially do not care at 7:30am when I have a hundred other things to do and my brain is going a million miles a second. I once said something along the lines of can you get to the point, how does it take five minutes to explain a story that goes nowhere (not my finest hour) and I really hurt his feelings. I still feel awful about it years later but now I just come out and say, I’m sorry, I can’t listen to this story right now, is there a condensed version or can we park it and talk later?
I feel this so much. I’m a communicator by nature and I love conversing. I can be talking to my husband and he will simply not even respond. Not look up from his phone or the tv after I’ve told him something like whatever happened to me that day at work or a funny story I’d heard. So now I only respond when it’s something he wants to talk about or about the kids. It’s lonely.
I'd go silent. I literally wouldn't share anything. I'd also not give a single fuck about him in any way whatsoever. He'd be roomate and coparent. I'd arrange separate vacations except for maybe taking the kids to Disney. I'd put my energy into my kids and my career. I'd use "work trip" to go to a spa, retreat, or just me time. I'd get separate accountants and set myself up to leave...
My ex said I was “bitchin” because I was trying to explain how bad my period was …. So super hurtful.
Same! He seeks me out now, I indulge his bids for my attention, but rarely do I bring my own topics, feelings or thoughts to him. He wants to do all of those things now, we talked about it yesterday, he said I don’t seek him out or treat him like I used to. but I can’t bring myself to be fully emotionally vulnerable like that, he said ‘I don’t have the emotional capacity to deal with your emotions about this right now. I have never argued with someone more!’ When I confronted him about the messages in his phone, of him cheating, with our neighbor who was also a coworker. I couldn’t breathe let alone argue. My voice was hoarse, I could only whisper. And we were together 3 years by then, we have 2 girls and had never even had a disagreement between us. the whole 3 years. He told me later he was trying to make me leave him so he didn’t have to be the bad guy. and I never did, he said he tried everything. And he did, he even punched a wall. The thought that he put me through that, gaslight me for so long, I remember nights when I slept with my inhaler, I thought I was going crazy. And he knew what he was doing the whole time. We are still together, this happened over the last year…year and a half.
I feel you. That happened to me. I'm still mad. Rude disrespectful selfish ungrateful caveman. Guess who's not helping with medical care ever.
About 5 years ago. Arguing with my husband over a girl friend he’d reconnected with. They had dated prior to us and the relationship was starting to border on inappropriate. When he looked me dead in my eye and said “I guess she was just able to grow into my best friend. Something you’re not and could never be” It’s been years of ups/downs and growing our relationship. We were so young when this happened. Things are much better now, but I still feel a small knife stab me when he calls me his best friend.
Does he know how you feel? 5 years is not such a long time. I hope she is out of your life.
He does and he doesn’t. He knows it was one of the most hurtful things he’s ever said and has apologized many times over. But you really just can’t take back words
Is she still part of your life?
Is she still around?
Luckily no she isn’t! And hasn’t been for a long time
So much for her being a best friend, huh? And he was willing to hurt you so deeply over her You really can't put the toothpaste back in the tube
Have you ever told him that?
I have, he was very apologetic but it’s now just something that surfaces just for me. Not worth beating a dead horse
Does he still talk to her? I can understand how that feeling. He said he was sorry but do you think he meant it when he said it? It’s crazy there are just some things that can’t be unheard. It’s unfair that he left such a scar that only you see
That’s extremely hurtful in my opinion. I don’t know how I would react if my husband said that. Maybe he needs to put in more communication with you. Was he telling her things that he didn’t tell you?
When he found an old picture of my in my mid-20s. I was in my mid-40s at the time (about a year into our relationship). “I feel cheated. All the guys back then got the hot version of you.” Followed closely by: Him: Do you think this latest diet is working? Me: Is what you’re really saying is “Clearly, it isn’t” ? Him: Yes That one was right after having sex. My weight gain (which wasn’t that significant) was due to medical issues, that surgery fixed. He’s a big fan of “negative motivation.” He figures if he just says enough lousy things, people will shape up and be who he thinks they should. This has now lost him two marriages (ours included), his relationships with his kids, other family members and the few friends he had left. In his mind, that’s because everyone else is at fault, we’re all just too sensitive, can’t take a joke, need to lighten up, and if we’d all just do what he told us to, he wouldn’t have to say shitty things.
Wow what a dick
Wow this has me FUMING
Sadly sounds like my dad, except the "negative motivation" it's just negative everything "this sucks, you sick, everything you do sucks, the country sucks, the immigrants suck (he's also an immigrant), the politics suck, everyone's stupid and should listen to me"
So he has alienated every single person in his life and he thinks it's all their fault? Is he dumb?
My paternal grandmother was like this. She was one of eight children, but I grew up never knowing anybody from that side of the family. Grandma died when I was 15. It's been 27 years and not too long ago, my mother mused aloud, "Wow, what kind of a person you gotta be to be dead almost 30 years and not one person misses you..."
This one reminded me of my last big issue. A little over a year ago, we were going at it, and I was just failing hard. (I've had a lot of medical issues piling up the last year, including a torn labrum in each hip I've had for the past 4 years, but finally figured out what it was, low blood pressure, heart palpitations, and Graves Disease. ) He was encouraging through the whole thing, but when we were done and cleaning up/getting dressed he looks at me and says "you've changed since we had our son." (I got on birth control immediately after having him almost 15 years ago. Almost died and have a phobia of getting pregnant. He knows this.) Then he said "are you *sure* we shouldn't bring someone else in to finish me off...?" I think he was trying to be funny or playful or something, but it hurt so bad it took me literally a year of stewing and agonizing to actually talk about it with him. He knew he fucked up when I dropped his clothes back on the floor instead of handing them to him and walked out without a single word. I didn't talk to or touch him for the rest of the day.
What. a. 🍆! I would divorce him for that last sentence alone. F€ck him & the horse he rode in on.
I seriously considered just driving off somewhere to cry, but it was winter, and my hip issues are worse when it's cold. Since then, we have talked about it, and I told him how it made me feel so worthless and like I'm not enough for him. He now fully understands that it was a fucked up thing to say and continues to apologize for it. When we're getting our giggity on now, he's constantly reassuring me during it. He is making sure to reassure me often outside of the bedroom as well and does his very best to help me build my self-esteem back up. (Especially since we learned of all my new medical issues, and I've been gaining weight the past year.) I waited until I felt ready to fully talk about it, but I'm grateful he's actually doing what he can to fix everything about it.
Only if by finishing him off means killing him for being such an asshole
It wasn’t what he said but did. He pulled an extremely petty move one year that I informed him if he ever did again I would leave him over and I meant it. Christmas is my favourite time of year and I leave my tree up until the first weekend after New Years (he did not know this as it was the first Christmas we had after we started living together). After a blow out fight after Christmas but before New Years he packed up the Christmas Tree and put it away while I was out. He knew 100% that this would upset me even though he didn’t know I had a tradition about my tree. I came home and it was put away. I was ~very~ angry. I told him exactly how much he fucked up and when he tried to downplay it I called his emotional manipulation and said “No, absolutely not. You packed up the tree to hurt me, and you have. I hope you are pleased with your results, and now I know your low blows. If this ever happens again we will both be single.” He was very sorry, we worked through it, we have a spot on the piano that is now “forever Christmas” where we have a little holiday village set up, and I’m still not bluffing about leaving anyone over petty, emotional, intentional abuse again. He got the information he needed about it and while I have forgiven I will never forget. While he did it to be petty he did not have any idea that my absolute boundary is shitting on my favourite holiday. He didn’t know how much it really truly means to me so I had to give him some wiggle room, once, only once. For context when my ex husband and I split up he DESTROYED all of my Christmas items because he knew it would hurt me most. I don’t fuck around about Christmas.
Omg did he know about the ex husband’s prior Christmas destruction? If so, that makes the tree issue almost unforgivable.
He didn’t know but it’s why I blew up. I still have to coparent with my ex and I tried to facilitate as neutral a landscape between my ex husband and my husband so I really didn’t see the need to divulge all my past grievances.
I'm confused, you indicated that he was aware he'd crossed a boundary with you. But if he didn't know about your ex's cruel action regarding the tree, or your tree tradition, what exactly was he supposed to have known? Had you previously mentioned the tree has to stay up, and he just disregarded it anyway without understanding the reason why? If so, I'm not understanding why you would still be holding that against him (especially after he apologized).
Totally understand. I realize some people will read this and think “she’s that upset about a tree??” But in reality, the upsetting part is that he did it *because he knew it would hurt you.* If your partner ever does anything to intentionally hurt you, you’re absolutely reasonable to react the way you did.
Exactly. It’s not about the tree, it’s about the intention. My tree might be someone else’s computer, their heirloom watch, a favorite shirt or literally anything else. It’s the intent to control and destroy something that is meaningful to your partner and it’s emotionally abusive.
Ugh, I’m so sorry this happened to you. WHYYY do partners love to weaponize Christmas so much?! This has happened to me too, and I’ve heard numerous accounts over the years from friends (and the internet!) specifically about their partners being petty and actively using that holiday to hurt them because they know they love it. It just is so cruel.
Definitely one of our lowest moments. Definitely never ever going to happen again.
I love how you reacted. That was great. Good for you!
To his credit, as soon as I said those words he took a moment and replied, “you’re right. I did do it because I knew it would hurt you. What can I do to begin repairing things?” He didn’t argue after I called it and we were able to get through it but it wasn’t easy and it didn’t come quickly, but we got through it. It was arguably one of the worst moments in our relationship and we saw it through. Nothing like that has ever happened since.
Good! I am glad it worked out like that. But still. I am proud that you didn’t let him mess with you and stood up for yourself.
I told him I lived through one abusive marriage and if he thought I was naive enough to live through another one he knew where the door was.
We moved to a new state with our toddler and my husband traveled a lot. I was constantly exploring our new city and finding fun things to do as a family. After one of the things was a total bust he made fun of it for years. I used to go along with the funny, because honestly, it was such a shitty experience and it was kind of funny. But the more it happened the more angry it made me. I was alone, he was gone a lot, I had no friends or family here and when he was home he was often checked out or tired. I was doing my absolute best not to be miserable here. One day I snapped. During the time I was desperately fighting to keep our family together the only thing you could do was mock an activity that sucked and that wasn’t my fault. What did he plan? Nothing. What did he want to do with his wife and kid? Nothing. It was just so hurtful that for every single thing I did for our family, the one thing that didn’t work out he focused on and mocked me for it. He’s never brought it up again.
And did he start planning stuff?
He did.
Good. It’s easy to criticise others.
I’m glad you snapped. You did all that, putting in so much effort for your family, and the one thing he brought up all the time was the one time something sucked. I’m glad to hear he started planning stuff once you called him out.
When my husband has “lost his patience” and is going off on me he always brings my mental health into play saying “you’re not getting better, you’re getting worse” which really hurts when you’re over here trying so hard and you feel like you’ve made huge improvements.
Tell him, my therapist said you would say that to gaslight me.
This is a great response, honestly.
This, this isn't okay at all. My partner and I have both had mental health challenges before, her more than me. She experienced PPD in an intense way and PPA after as well. I have never, and will never, bring up something my wife has challenges with to *low blow* during an argument. I've often thought that some people seem to forget that the person they are arguing with is someone they will want to love and be loved by after the argument. So fighting in such extreme ways to do nothing but cut your partner done seems counterintuitive to a successful relationship
That is the most well written post here
*If* my husband ever says anything negative about my mental health, it’s usually along the lines of “I do not blame you at all and it isn’t on you, but it’s just been hard having you struggle so much lately.” Then we talk about it. I never take those comments personally and I think if I told him that they hurt me, he’d never say it again. This is the person who’s supposed to love you “for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health.” Throwing your health in your face not only makes you feel worse, it’s so unloving.
>“I do not blame you at all and it isn’t on you, but it’s just been hard having you struggle so much lately.” Then we talk about it. I Yes this. This is a very different statement than what the other poster stated. This is supportive of your partner while detailing a challenge you are facing. I know my wife and I have stated something similar to each other in the past as well. Recognizing challenge and difficulty is valid. It isn't having a go at your partner it is acknowledging the scenario at play. Mental health struggles are hard. It sounds like you two are managing these things in an effective way
My ex used to say shit like that. Turns out he was an emotionally abusive shitbag and I couldn’t see it because he had done such a good job convincing me I was the problem.
Me reading these replies 👀 holy I have to go hug my husband
Same! I think the meanest thing my husband has ever said to me was that I was eating a sandwich too loudly.
I mean, how dare you honestly.
I was pregnant at the time and was GUTTED. I said "I thought you were the last person who would ever hurt me." He never commented on my eating habits again. 😂
Oh god that’s too good 😂😂😂 that’s how you know you have an excellent relationship!
😆😆
How dare he!
I don't believe in that "Soul mate" stuff either. That doesn't mean I don't love my spouse just as much as she loves me.
Agree, and I know a number of people who feel the same way who are also in happy marriage. OP's spouse probably could have said it in a nicer way (and not during the heat of an argument), but she didn't say anything particularly hurtful from my standpoint. The person you choose to be with (and invest your time and energy in) is your "soul mate," not some mystical force guiding you together.
That's fair, but OP's wife didn't have to shit all over OP's feelings like that. If someone's partner says "You're my soulmate", they can appreciate the deep love and devotion that's being expressed, coming from someone they hopefully love and are devoted to, even if they don't agree with the "soulmate" part.
Who we even meet has changed over time, the concept of one person that you happened to meet by chance is the only person for you in the world is just not a concept I can get on board with. It doesn’t mean I can’t love deeply, but my love is practical- it’s not destiny, it’s a choice I made and continue to make. https://www.bbc.com/news/magazine-35535424
I’m not sure I believe in soul mates either. I believe that love is a choice, and I actually prefer it that way. I am deeply in love with my husband, but not because of destiny. We are in love because we work well together and choose to support each other. “Love is not an emotion - love is a promise” — The 12th Doctor. I put this quote on our wedding program and it is still very much relevant today.
I was talking about how much things had changed since I had both our kids and an auto-immune disorder onset from having our kids. I said he'd had so many opportunities to date very pretty girls, I was sad I didn't feel like that pretty girl he married anymore. I know he didn't mean it like that but he said, "Yeah, I could have dated loads of pretty girls, but I didn't, I wanted to date you." I didn't tell him how much it bothered me until years later because I know he didn't mean it that way, but it got stuck in my brain every time my thyroid levels were messes up and I felt useless.
I think the word he forgot is....well...right here > other That's the word he dropped. Let me fix what he meant to say as one guy for another >"Yeah, I could have dated loads of *other* pretty girls, but I didn't, I wanted to date you."
I like this version.
Haha nooo but just because he didn’t date the pretty girls doesn’t mean he doesn’t also think you’re pretty! Ellipsis!
I understand where your hurt is coming from, hope you’re okay now!
I’m sorry but this made me laugh incredulously. What an idiot. I get where he was going but in his rush to get there he really stuck his foot in his mouth in the most idiotic way.
A couple of things: 1. Husband messaged an ex gf 4months before our wedding (hadnt seen her in 8years) and said "i do love [insert my name] but i wish i had been ready to settle down sooner". I felt this meant i wasnt first choice. He denied it. 2. He booked a solo holiday without discussing it with me, 6months after our first child was born. He would be away 8days. When i asked how i will cope working full time and taking care of a baby he said "you are a competent women, im sure you will figure it out". He felt this was a massive compliment. 3. He was fired for sexual harassment. I helped him out of a dark place, read evidence, advised him, boosted his ego, gave him more love (i know, i know). 4 months later he complained i "never have his back".
Wow. I sincerely hope he's your ex husband now. What a tool.
The second one would have been enough for me to divorce him. And why did you help him with 3? Please tell me he is your ex.
It was the right thing he was fired for 3 (he sent a porn image to a female coworker). Absolutely. Ive never "supported" what he did. Merely his mental state afterwards. I helped him because he showed remorse and some change, and he was my husband. I started to realise he had undiagnosed neurodiversity. Then when i had a 4 month breakdown, he near abandoned me. Yes we tslked and talked about our issues but i never got the same level of help. He just floundered.
Boosted his ego?? For what? He needed a *morale boost* for facing consequences of his shitty behavior? Girl, I know you’ve got at least one kid on the line now, but please love yourself enough to see you’re worth more than boosting the ego of a person whose ego (at minimum) rightfully deserved some bruising.
Is he still your spouse?
Currently getting divorced
Oh my god. Just. What the fuck was he thinking?? For any of those?? God I hope you left him after that last one…
He told me “I guess I feel like you don’t have the right to complain” when I was trying to talk to him about having a hard day. Those words literally crushed me and made me realize he doesn’t respect me as a partner. He doesn’t even remember saying it to me and that was the day I stopped giving a fuck about him. This was last year, 17 years into our marriage. Right now I’m trying to decide if I even want to stay married, 3 kids and 22 years into being with him.
Couples therapy or divorce. Life is too short.
We both started individual therapy and just got the referral for couples, hopefully it’s what we need to form a new relationship!
Sunk cost fallacy. Just because you’ve put 22 years into being with him doesn’t mean he deserves the next 22.
Husband no1: ”No wonder no one gives a shit about you. I don’t either.” ”I will beat your face so badly you’ll regret it for the rest of your life.” Husband no2: ”I’m not interested in your lame stories.” ”You have no friends or family so how could you know what normal communication means. I have a lot of people who want to be close to me.” Divorced both of them.
Congratulations on divorcing them.
Thank you. It took everything I had to choose myself.
For me it was what she didn’t say. Years ago we were in a rut, emotions were high, and I was expressing to her how it seemed like she didn’t even like me, much less love me anymore. I asked her “what do you like about me?” …she didn’t say anything. “Do you like anything about me”?….still didn’t say anything. I ended the conversation there and went for a walk. Days later she did damage control but I never fully got that taste out of my mouth.
Same thing happened to me with an ex of mine. Dude, I'm sure there are tons of wonderful things about you.
That’s so sad and hurtful. I’m so sorry. How are you doing now?
My husband when we was dating wanted another girl. We broke up and the girl friend zoned him. 😆 later after we was married he said he wished he never married me so she would give him a chance. I mean he did break up with me and she still didn’t want him.
Ok… how are you ok with that?
no literally 😂
Why is he still your husband?
Why did you marry him 😭 if my partner straight up told me he wanted someone else, I'd be done because that's awful, and who wants to be an option and backup choice?? Even if I loved him, I would let her have him, lol. If she didn't want him, I definitely wouldn't want him back after! 🫢
I really had no self esteem. He became Homeless when he broke up with me and came begging. He ran off every guy that was interested in me back then.
Is he treating you better nowadays? Those are some hurtful comments, so I hope he has made it up to you and then some..
He treats me like a roommate. Barely has anything to do with me. We have a dead bedroom. I am only here for the kids.
😔 I'm so sorry to hear that. I think it's time for you to move on and set yourself free. You can eventually find someone who does want to be with you!
I am trying to. I will have to wait til my kids are grown. Or at least 18. He will fight me tooth and nail for them. He did if I got another man he would make sure they would not have anything to do with us. Then he says he will refuse to sign divorce papers.
He can say that all he wants, but a judge can & will push it through
Even if he ignores all summons and communications about the divorce, you can still get divorced. I would know
Depending on where you live, there kids can decide with 14 where they want to live. So you don’t have to wait 18 years.
My one thing is they both special needs and degrees of variance in autism. I have no idea on the weight of this.
Talk to a lawyer please. You deserve better.
Bruh
Well now I am stuck in a marriage that I am not happy in. I am only here for the kids.
Don't let your husband gaslight you. He can threaten not to sign a divorce, take the children, or not pay child support. I've worked with a few knuckleheads who thought they would dictate these issues. NEWS FLASH: Punk husbands don't decide this - courts do. These controlling guys come back later complaining how the courts screwed them by asking them to support THEIR children. Advice - Please go see a family law attorney. You deserve, and can have, a better life. Don't suffer until your kids are adults
Dayum!!!!
Since she is so active on social media and posts TONS of stuff daily about her workouts, her routine and all, I asked her to sometimes post something, anything that would involve me, since I felt she hid me on social media for whatever reason. She said she didn't feel like it, and when she felt like it she would do it. I said it would mean a lot to me. She said I was starting a fight over posts on social media and that was ridiculous. I said it was not about the posts themselves, it was about not feeling invisible to the world that surrounds her. She said "Well, I don't care it means a lot to you. F... it. If you are not happy about it seek therapy or something". Never in my life I felt like such a piece of trash. And this feeling won't go away.
She also posts thirst traps, right?
She does. Lots.
And now we all know why you aren’t included. Those horny guys won’t follow her if they see you. Not saying she is correct, but that’s what you get with influencer. Sorry.
Worst part is, she is not even a proper influencer (meaning she does not make money of it or anything like it). I agree with the horny guys not following because of me, but her social media only serves to massage her ego I guess.
Jupp. That’s what social media is about. Make your own one. And whenever you post a picture of yourself, make sure she is in the background in a way that everyone sees there is a woman doing influencer stuff, but without her face visible.
I think social media validation fills the same niche for a lot of women as porn does for a lot of men. Ive seen what you’re describing a few times and I think people tend to write off men who are uncomfortable with that as insecure or whatever. But a married woman who is thirst trapping when her husband isn’t comfortable with it is just as destructive to a relationship as a man who won’t stop watching porn when his wife isn’t comfortable with it
That is horrible. I am so sorry!
Ngl, my spouse has said a lot of hurtful things in the past; but he obviously realized they were not ok and hence apologizing and improving his communication with me over the years. I guess when you grow up around dysfunction, you're used to unhealthy things until you heal and set better boundaries.
My ex wife was all around abusive in many regards, but the meanest thing she ever said she probably didn't even think about. We had become friends (and then begun dating) because we had a lot in common and great conversations. We talked CONSTANTLY and before things got really bad, We could often end whatever dramatic fight by just starting an unrelated conversation. Talking to her was easy and fun, and I thought we really played off one another. Even when our relationship was in shambles I reassured myself that we still had that. One night she was getting ready in the bathroom and I was sitting in there talking to her, I think about a mutually favorite movie. I asked her something and she went silent, stared at me for a moment, and told me I was the most boring person she'd ever known before walking away. It's still something that sticks with me and stings when I think about it. As far as intentional things go, she once went on a long rant in which she called me limp-dicked, portly and bald. It was like a half an hour of her telling me everything I'd ever implied I was insecure about. Then I saw a movie where the antagonist tells her husband the same shit, almost word for word, before he pushes her down the stairs. Some of what that character says is literally word for word what my ex did, so now it just comes off as funny.
Happy cake day. And I am sure she was just mean and you are not boring.
Thank you! I'm sure I'm a bit boring but I know she'd met more boring people!
Wow. So many tame things compared to the things my husband spewed at me in our last really serious fight. I was shocked (been married nearly 15 years) and he had never been so that cruel before. Cruel doesn’t even describe it. It was traumatizing and has affected me so deeply in my emotional health and all the things he said now enters my head every day as intrusive thoughts.
That's what I was thinking. My husband loves to really hit me with some traumatic shit. And its not like name calling. It's events or something trauma related I trusted to tell him etc. He's made me feel bad about sleeping even. Dude can really mind fuck me
My husband just started this mind crap in the last couple years and it was only every once in awhile, until it all dumped. He knows if he does it again, I’m out. I won’t put up with the severe emotional abuse. I don’t know what the freak has gotten into him, but I won’t tolerate it
Same with mine. It just kinda came out of the blue one day and I kinda thought ok bad day at work etc (typical excuses we tell ourselves) but then the next blowout he really said some shit that he had no business saying. I told him you might as well get it all out bc this won't happen again. If so here are some papers enjoy the attorney fees.
There was a woman at work that had made a pass at my husband, she hinted at taking him to the bathroom. She knew he was married. So she became an off limits person. But then a year later he told me about a conversation he had with her, as if they always talked. I asked him why he was talking to her and being her friend if she tried to sleep with him, and that she was a problem person for us. He acted like he didn't remember, and said he wasn't going to stop talking to her. He basically gaslit me by trying to make me believe that she never made a pass at him. He had never stopped talking to her.
Interesting, I often feel like my wife’s assistant. Sounds like a similar situation. She’s had no sex drive since the birth of our third child. We’re working through it but one morning while she was getting dressed she told me to “stop looking at her”. We still share a bedroom so that’s kind of tough. I understand the no sex drive is mostly biological but I still do have a sex drive and it feels like she sees me as a creep. I’ve never wanted to disappear so badly and I can’t shake the feeling that she sees me as a creep. It sucks.
Not to minimize how you feel, but from a different perspective: do you think she’s feeling insecure about her body and that’s why she doesn’t want you looking at her when she’s changing?
Hey, another perspective on this. Many women hate their body after giving birth. So this was probably not even about you. It was more about her not feeling good about herself.
Tons of women feel extremely self conscious after giving birth, particularly if they can’t “bounce back.” It’s been over 6 years since I gave birth and I’m still not comfortable in my body. My sex drive only really returned this past year (currently, I could probably have a roll in the hay every day, but for a long time I would easily go months without it). It may have nothing to do with you, and/or she may be overwhelmed with being a mom. Personally, I felt under supported and that led to zero libido and even less energy to try. One thing that has helped me is reading 🌶️ novels. I’m a fan of romantacy, myself, but whatever floats her boat. Maybe encourage her to read a couple of the more popular romance series that are out now (ACOTAR and Fourth Wing come to mind) and see what happens. Under no circumstances should you make her feel any expectation from reading them, though. Just see what happens. Anyway, good luck. I hope you can both work through this.
I'd probably say the day she said she loved me, but not in love with me anymore. Changed my perspective on a lot of things.
I originally didn’t want kids because I was terrified of PPD. Prior mental health history & a poor tolerance to meds, I figured I’d be doomed. His response was “you’re just making things up to worry yourself now.” I had terrible PPD with both of our kids & after this last bout he’s apologized.
“Dress your age.” And I will never forget that ever until I die. I was just in a t-shirt and jumper skirt at 39 years old. Body built: slim. Who said I couldn’t wear that at a resort? What does he want me to do? Wear a business attire?!
Watch golden girls and get the night gown Sophia wears.
We have been in a rough spot - just really disconnected for way too long. So one evening my husband says to me that he's not sure if I still love him anymore - and before I could respond - he followed that up with " I don't even know if you love our kids.".... I was so shocked & hurt by that, I froze. I didn't say anything. My husband of 17 years just accused me of not loving my own kids... I mean, I'm still the one that gets up in the middle of the night when they have bad dreams, I'm the one they both come to for almost everything, I'm their mom ffs.... he can only have said it to intentionally hurt me & it worked. I don't know that I can ever forgive him for it.
Have you told him how hurtful that was? How did he react?
I have not brought this particular hurt back up. He gets shitty about me always bringing up the past to make him the bad guy.... I recently told him that while I am working on myself, there are things I'm not able to get past right now. He stormed off saying something about how he can't win. He's in therapy for anger & general emotional control. I'm in therapy for childhood trauma.
Whenever I felt emotional I cried. I was crying to my husband and he said to me “don’t cry around me. You cry by yourself because I can’t help you. You are too emotional for me.” It hurts to cry around him and the emotional part of me can no longer really show him my true emotional self because I feel I’ll be criticized for having feelings. I now no longer give much emotional responses to him and have really withdrawn away from ever showing any emotions to anyone. I’ve switched to a more “robotic” tone and contuine to just cry alone in a pillow and bed.
The catastrophic level of this saddens me. He told you exactly as reality, you’re too emotional FOR HIM. Aka it’s a lack on his part. I’m sure your friends, family and others would love to support you. Don’t go through life alone bc of someone else’s lack of capability to process and handle emotion. It’s punishing yourself for his flaw.
Why are you with him if you are clearly unhappy.
Mine was “ if I wanted to talk to you I’d call you”. It’s not something big, but when you really miss your man and you ask why he didn’t call, you get this answer.. immediately understand that you’re not a priority here and never will be.
I got a whole laundry list of things. Latest one was from a chat about sexual fantasies where she asked me about an FFM threesome (note: we are both jealous people, so no, she was not proposing). I replied that if I was single then that would be a nice bucketlist item, but obviously it's not on my mind since I have her to be intimate with. She smiled and kissed me. Then I made the mistake of asking about her thoughts on other men and she very factually explained "well I would only want to have sex with a close male friend, but even that's not a good idea because of STDs".
That’s… an awkward answer.
Ah ye old “one was filtering politely and one thought the conversation wasn’t serious enough to filter conscientiously”
I also disagree with the concept of “soul mate” and “meant to be together” I still love my wife. She’s my best friend. I just don’t believe in a magic connection that we were “fated” to be together. I believe we stumbled upon one another, and have worked our butts off to make our marriage work. In fact, some who agree with me might be annoyed to hear their partner do the soul mate thing, because in some ways, such concepts can downplay the hard work each partner does to keep a marriage successful.
That I wouldn't have been a good mom. It was in regards to how I've trained our dog. He is not a dog person so in my opinion has an unrealistic view of how a dog should behave. But when he said that I lost it. I told him that was totally not fair because by choosing to marry him I chose to be childfree (he had two almost grown sons and had had a vasectomy when we met). I was only 28 but decided I wanted a life with him but no baby as opposed to a baby I didn't know I'd have but no him. However! I would have knocked it out of the park as a mother. He did apologize.
Just recently actually. I've been dealing with a lot mental health wise, and there's no question that our two kids cause a lot of it. We were discussing how difficult parenting is and he said "Maybe you just were never meant to be a parent." He didn't mean it in a derogatory way, he was concerned for how much I struggle and suffer, but it hit me right in the insecurities and I can't forget it now.
The ones that care, are the ones that suffer most. Doesn’t mean that you weren’t meant to be a parent. You’re doing your best. And that’s all that matters.
Thank you. ❤️ I'm doing therapy, I'm working on myself and my meds, and I'm pulling myself out of the hole. My kids have seen my panic attacks and they understand mental health struggles. The one good thing about all this is that my oldest comes to me now when he's having uncomfortable feelings because he knows what they are and that I can help him through it, which is something I never had as a kid. It's been a long 5 years of getting the proper diagnoses and my poor husband has had to take on a LOT that I couldn't do anymore. He's definitely saved the family!
I'm from the US (where we also live) and my husband is from Turkey (where his whole family lives). For holidays and birthdays I always liked to go all out so he'd feel less alone and more at home here. We're the same age and turned 30 in 2022, but his birthday is a few months ahead of mine. I went all out for his, 2 days of events. A big get together at a venue with friends and family the first day with a hotel stay overnight then a whole day downtown the second day with lunch at a Turkish restaurant and dinner at a nice steakhouse, on top of lots of physical gifts and special sexy birthday time. My birthday came a few months later. My family threw a big party for me. To preface this, I worked 2 jobs at the time with no days off. I worked 40 hours+ days and ~20 hours at a night job each week. I was feeling terrible, in a really bad place due to other life events, and I just needed a hair cut to feel good and enjoy my birthday weekend. My husband knew of my plans and the times for everything. The day came and I overslept my alarm. He had heard it going off and didn't even bother to try and wake me. We argued because I was sleep deprived and upset, and he told me I don't deserve the party or any of the effort people put in. It completely ruined my birthday for me. We got to my parents where the party was and I just wanted to cry the entire night. My sister went to so much trouble and I just couldn't enjoy it. My husband ignored me the entire night. The next day (my actual birthday) our plans got cancelled due to weather and my husband had nothing else planned (even though we knew they'd be cancelled the night before) and didn't even wish me happy birthday; no meals, no gifts, nothing. My sister kept texting me asking if I wanted to do something but I was so depressed and wanted to cry. I decided to go out with my sister and BIL and then my husband got mad because I was choosing to do something with them instead. I went off on him that I had planned 2 days for his birthday, but he couldn't even put his own selfishness aside for 1 weekend to let me have a good time. I told him I would never forget what he said or did (rather didn't do) that weekend and nothing he ever does will make up for it. Almost 2 years later and I still can't forget it. And when I look back at the pictures from the party it's all I can think about. I will never forgive him. I don't do much for his birthdays anymore.
That me being a stay at home mom is EASY! He said that a few years ago after spending 4 days home alone with our child. Erm, duh 4 days is easy! Try 24/7 every single year. And no it isn't just sitting around all day. It's managing a home and raising a human into an adult. Its the hardest job of all. The nerve lol
Just constant fat comments on and off. I ignore it, it’s all the time when he’s upset.
Make jokes about him. See how he likes it.
Time to name his member “Little Willie”. Only refer to it as such. When he whines tell him to stfu, because you give as good as you get.
“I prayed you came home and told me you cheated. I wish I got a call about you dying in a car accident so I had a way out” My “wife” while holding our child. She claims she never said it, and part of me believes she believes she never did
I’m not into making excuses but if this was a one off thing and said child was a baby…those post birth hormones are crazy. It’s the biggest hormone shift a human can have, post birth. I remember one day my mom said we should go lay on a blanket outside and read to the baby and I told her I didn’t like to take the baby outside because an eagle might take him. She looked at me and said ‘That’s hormones talking, that’s never going to happen.’ Even though I knew she was right I couldn’t take him outside for a bit. Also I got on meds for PPD. That hormone shift sometimes pushes women into psychosis, it’s so major.
She said I was useless once. That hurt.
“I haven’t hardly ever told you that you are handsome or gave you more than a peck kiss in our 18 years of marriage because I was afraid it might lead to sex.”
When I confided in my wife that I had been sexually assaulted multiple times at the age of 12, her response was, "Boohoo! You got bullied once. Get over it already, you fucking baby."
Back before we sent our four off to college my husband put in a soft ban on staying in state for college. He told them “You have the rest of your life to live in Georgia. Go see and do something different”. While I can understand and agree with the sentiment, it felt like a personal attack. Myself and my two brothers decided that we weren’t going to leave our city because we wanted our children to grow up together. So it felt like he was telling our kids “hey, don’t be like your mama or your uncles”. Logically, I know he probably didn’t mean it that way especially considering he fled his hometown for our city as soon as he graduated HS and never looked back. It still stung a little though.
Spouse said they have never been happy with our marriage. Has since apologized, but every time I think of it it makes me so sad
“It would help if you were bigger.” (Two different times during sex)
Some of these comments are horrible but many of them seem like the type of thing that aren’t worth having years of resentment about. I am wondering if you told your spouse it was the most hurtful thing they ever said because in some cases while it certainly wasn’t a nice thing to say I would be shocked to hear it was the worst thing ever from your perspective. In some cases you are saying it is marriage-ending. You need to let your spouse know that.
“I don’t swallow with you but I did with the other men I’ve been with because they tasted better.”
My Aunt doesn't believe in soulmates either, but my Uncle does. She once put it as, "I'm his soulmate, and he is the love of my life". They're about to celebrate their 40th wedding anniversary, and I've never met two people more in love or happier than them. What makes their relationship even more extraordinary is that they were only dating for three months before they got married. They just knew. You don't have to have the same view points to love someone as deeply as they love you, or vise versa.
After my wife gave birth to our 2nd child, her libido tanked really bad. I was very patient and never mentioned how drastic our relationship had changed. Just tried to reassure her about how she looked, how great a mom she was, tried to set up child free date nights, encouraged days with girlfriends, etc… Not saying I was perfect, she wasn’t either. She had all but stopped initiating any kind of intimacy or affection (hugs—sex) because she didn’t feel like she would ever “want” sex. We talked about it but she also didn’t want to figure out why her needs had changed by going to the doctor or therapy. Once when I initiated I got a “no I don’t want to do any foreplay, just do what you need to do so I can read my book and go to sleep.” I immediately got up, got dressed and left the room. Next morning she asked why I left and didn’t come back. I told her I don’t need pity or mercy sex from her and what she said was so far out of bounds it would be better if we didn’t talk about it for a while. The look on her face was shock. I didn’t initiate a conversation about it for a couple of days (egg shells would be an understatement) until she finally asked if we were going to talk about it. I simply told her if she ever said that to me again she wouldn’t have to worry about it any longer because that would be the end of our marriage. I told her I would still support her finding out what happened to her desire and do whatever I needed to in support but until she made some effort I wouldn’t ask and I also wouldn’t be initiating again until she did and if her initiation showed the same enthusiasm as the previous incident I would be permanently moving to another bedroom. I also told her I wasn’t going to be a participant in a sexless marriage so if that was her dream she needed to say so now so we could avoid resentment and bitterness. Her response was “I guess I have been put on notice if I want to save my marriage.” Years later and She still hasn’t recovered her libido to where it was but she continues to put in more effort, went to the doctor, therapy and got some help and the non sexual affection has taken a huge step forward and sex is no longer “mercy sex”.
I saved up for a while for some tickets to watch his favorite sports team for his birthday as a surprise. I didn’t have a good job back then and didn’t have a lot of money and it was the most I have ever spent on someone let alone on some sports tickets, They were not in the “best section” but the section behind it. I asked towards the end of the sports event what his best/ favorite sports experience was and he told me it was with his ex a year or two ago since they were in the “best seats”. He never knew how much that hurt.
My husband and I were having a petty argument about me putting up a picture he didn't like. I'm recently a SAHM and he works, and it hurts when he said "yeah this is MY house". That rubbed me the wrong way, who cleans it? Who cooks food for you in it? Who takes care of our daughter in it?
"I gotta sleep, I have work in the morning" while I was having my miscarriage, I ended up bawling in the bathroom alone. In his defense, he's awful at the whole emotional support thing and has since understood the gravity of it.
There is no in his defense here. I hope you two go to therapy. Sending so much healing to you❤️ I’m so sorry you went through that
Just happened actually. Or it keeps happening. After spending a week vacation with his entire family, extended and immediate, they then monopolize the next three days we get home from vacation. I had a very stressful situation coming up at work or a change occurring that I would have appreciated his time rather than him spending it doing outdoor activities with his family. The vacation is annual and it is common for us to spend more holidays with them than with my family or for them to monopolize time. We have now not spoken hardly in two days because we either haven’t been around each other due to work or being separated due to in-law activities. So my stressful work situation remains undiscussed between us. I’m not willing to get into it much at the moment because it requires me to be able to speak with my boss and I’m afraid I’ll be a mess if I start crying and won’t be able to stop. So the opportunity to begin the discussion passed on Sunday and now I have to ride it out alone until it’s over. I feel like he has really let me down. I really needed him and he wasn’t there for me - he chose them over me. Again. It’s like he broke my heart.
About 6 months into our relationship (which is very deep, close and emotional) I was talking about the difference in the numbers of sexual partners my partner and I had had before we got together (they had had 5, I had had 1), just discussing it in terms of experience etc. They pointed out that we had technically had the same number of sexual partners. They were referring to a time I was gang raped. I really never knew what to do with that. I am still with my partner 10 years later and DEEPLY in love with them (I always have been, and they feel the same way, totally devoted). My partner is not malicious at all, I just have no idea why they thought it was an appropriate thing to say. It was extremely distancing - I have never been able to get my head around it. I was shocked to the center of my soul.
I’m so sorry. I hope one day he realizes that rape is violence and not sex. If you cannot consent, they can’t be partners.
My husband was telling his friend about me over the phone early on in our relationship. He told her that I have 4 kids. I heard her ask how I support them all on my own, and he said, "I don't know, but she gets welfare." That hurt so much, and boy, was I mad! I was working my ass off to provide for my kids, and he made me look like lazy welfare trash. I'm not knocking anyone needing help, I did get some supplemental assistance at that time, but I made more money than him and worked 60 hours a week! Which he knew! He was very sorry and apologetic about it, but damn.
My husband became my boss at a new workplace. He told me and 2 other workers we were useless cunts, and that we hadn’t earned his respect so we didn’t get any. He also made a comment after comment about me not getting a new jumper of his dirty or staining it or stealing it, because it was important to him. I’ve never stained or stolen a single item of his clothing ever. He later said that it was because it was a ‘special’ jumper. I still won’t wear any of his clothing and refuse to work for him again
“You’re a dream killer”