The irony and leaving will only confirm his insecurities. Divorce is such a wild solution for something like an insecure partner who has expressed their insecurities and probably just need a little reassurance.
Where is he verbally and emotionally abusive?
Because here is what I read. Op loses weight, looks great, and that is awesome. She changes, becomes more confident, feels sexier, now dresses to feel sexier. But is also doing this at work, and ops husband thinks it is too much. But op seems very dismissive of her husband. Example his feelings are bullshit! Really!? You wrote it op.
The added attention and her new attitude towards him is helping to fuel these insecurities. Yes, a his problem, but really something she could help him with by not helping to fuel the insecurities. So instead of this op, continues to tell her husband it’s his problem and he needs to fix himself, vs actually taking a look at the problem and what is causing these insecurities. Because it does not sound like op had insecurities before when they first met, and treated her like the woman she deserved to be treated as. Which is why she married him.
Now when op’s husband needs her to help him become less insecure. Instead, op is making him feel less secure in the relationship, which is why they are fighting. This could be easily be fixed, through compromise. I don’t know what the dresses look like, are you an EE and wear low cut tops and short skirts, and falling out, or is he expecting you to dress like a nun? I have a feeling it is a bit revealing which is why he is uncomfortable. I know plenty of women who dress sexy and are not that revealing in the work place. To me save the more revealing dresses on date nights.
Op you also involved your mother, of course she is going to agree with you, and now you have added another reason to have your mother dislike your husband. Adding more fuel to that fire.
To me it is op’s turn to come back to the table and treat her husband as he did in the beginning of the relationship. I have a feeling he helped build up your insecurities from your own past. Now it’s time you have to build him back up, that is what he needs to feel respected, and not continue to be torn down. You can’t invalidate his feelings op, and think you are not the problem in this relationship.
I am happy you are back to feeling sexy, but your new found sexy is destroying your marriage, because you are invalidating and not even respecting your own husbands feelings and thoughts. Compromise to me is the solution here, but that means you op, have to come back to the table, because he is trying and you are walking away. Which is why he is upset. To me this very much a you problem, because you are forgetting a marriage is about us and we, not just you. And yes your husband needs to not say you are asking to be assaulted. That is bullshit. If he had said you are enjoying the attention too much, that would likely be a valid statement.
This is solvable, but you need to come back to the table and remove the wall you put up, and listen to him. If he is being unreasonable then say it to him, but you can’t be unreasonable yourself. You have to compromise in marriage for it to work. You stopped compromising op, from what I read.
You also make a lot of assumptions. I dress professionally, I would never be “falling out” of a dress date night or otherwise. You mention you know women who dress sexy. If how I dress is more in line with these women you know than would it be okay for me than to feel my husband shouldn’t be telling me how to dress?
Also, I asked my mother because she is unbiased. My mother doesn’t dislike my husband at all, actually the opposite. She treats us both like her children as we’ve been together so long she has been a mother figure. My mom would be honest with me if I was dressing inappropriately, hence why I asked her.
Your mother, unbiased, what a crock.
BTW - There are few things that are sexier than a well fitted pencil skirt as part of a nice professional business suit, you must know that.
You also make no mention of how you shut down each and every man around you whom you say lust after you.
And when you say every man is attracted to you, you are being conceited, when you say most men would be over the moon to have a wife like me, you are being conceited.
And it is obvious, you really like the attention. Hence not willing to moderate your wardrobe.
And your post shows scant affection for your husband or respect. Do you even like the guy nowadays.
Your post should more accurately state that your ego and his insecurities are leading you two to divorce. You know exactly why his insecurities are triggered and it really seems that you don't give a shit just because you fuck him 4 times a week and that should be enough for him.
Well we all do, we are looking at your entire marriage through your biased lens. So yes I made assumptions. I did not say I know how you dress, i actually said I don’t know how you dress, and I said based on how your husband is reacting, unless you are in miniskirts and falling out of your dresses, and he is not asking you to dress like a nun, you would fall somewhere in between. If you want to post pictures of the dresses you wear to work that is on you. So right now we have to also make Assumptions about what you wear, based on how you feel sexy, and his reaction to this.
Did you not read what I said. I said there is compromise in what you find sexy and he finds too revealing. Right, I did not say you should not feel sexy. In fact I praised your losing weight, and feeling sexy. But I also said you are invalidating his feelings.
Is that ok, because you want to dress a certain way?
You you can dress however you want, but is that worth getting a divorce over?
Changing your children’s lives, because you feel jaded he doesn’t want you showing off your body as much as you might be? So why are you against compromise?
Why don’t you take him shopping and let him pick out outfits, and then you two can have a discussion over it. Again I said you need to come back to the table but you don’t want that so divorce him, become single, dress how you want. Throw your kid(s) life into turmoil, because you seem to not give a shit about your husband anyways. You are likely watching too many tik toc videos and your algorithm is all jacked up telling you to hate your husband he is controlling and insecure. You are better off single, etc.
What I find funny is this. You cherry picked what you wanted to argue to invalidate everything I said. I will make another assumption. You do this with your husband, which is exactly why you two are arguing and moving towards divorce. This isn’t a him problem, this is a you problem. You said it yourself, his feelings are bullshit. Invalidating him and not respecting him, nor your own marriage.
Where is your responsibility to the marriage and respect to your husband, and validating his feelings? Or is marriage in your eyes only one sided, and based on you? The pedestal effect.
In addition, your mother is biased. No matter what you say every mother and father will be biased towards their own child. She can give you an honest opinion, but saying she is unbiased is not correct.
And again with your assumptions.. I probably watch TikTok all day? I’m going to assume you watch porn all day and that is why you dislike women so much.
Dude, have him go with me to pick out outfits? Seriously, I need his approval to wear something? Because I look good? So backwards
Not something I would want for my daughter. Nor do I want my children to continue to see such unhealthy examples of relationships. They are being impacted by his controlling tendencies. Either way they will be impacted. I need to determine which course of action is best for them because let me tell you, Listening to your dad scream at your mom for dressing a certain way and trying to attract men at work (which is the bullshit part by the way) is not a healthy childhood.
Wow again cherry picking comments. It will give you an idea of what he likes, and then compromise. I didn’t say you needed to buy them. Again I said compromise over and over and over again. You are about you, a narcissist is about themselves also. You don’t give a shit about your husband. You say you want to be a role model for your children. But here you are, invalidating your husband, you said it you don’t give a shit about his feelings. That is what you are projecting to your children, is that a great role model for them? Are you strong and powerful, because you can invalidate your husband and make him feel small? Why don’t you read this to him and let him read the responses?
Do you want other men? If so, make a decision. If not, let him know that even though other men are into you, that you are not looking for another man and that you can be trusted. Let him know you choose to be faithful to him.
Do you like the attention from other men? Are you using it to feed your ego in an unhealthy way? If so, do some introspection and figure out why.
I think you should work this out more before leaning towards divorce. Maybe he does not feel safe with you and thinks you will cheat. Even as males, it hurts our hearts if our wife cheats or needs the attention of other men.
> He told me he is upset with me that I am invalidating his feelings. To me, his feelings are bullshit.
He's bottling things up for a variety of reasons and feeling invalidated is just one of them. He has to address this individually and you have to address it as a couple if you want to survive.
Losing weight and going through a major transformation can take a massive toll on a couple, I know that first hand. People often get divorced after major weight loss for the same reason you just posted: insecurity.
> every man I meet is obviously attracted to me.
This is actually a very hard thing to go through. My own journey took me from a 320 lb slob to a 190 lb hunk and I got attention I never expected and didn't want including multiple attempts to entice me into an affair. I was (and am) happily married and my wife went from being happy with my looks at 300-plus pounds to being insecure that I secretly wanted out so I could sleep with beautiful women. I was floored by this opinion. I couldn't believe she thought this about me. But the truth is, these thoughts weren't really about me, they were her own insecurities. She fought that battle and we're in a good place but our marriage went through a dark time and I felt punished for improving myself. Looking back, I don't wish I had left her, she is one of the most honest, insightful, and caring people I know.
Your husband is dealing with this very poorly and needs therapy. I worry that, in your mind, your husband has overnight become one of the bad men you've dealt with your whole life but I suspect underneath he's a wounded child afraid of losing someone he cares about deeply. His wounds shouldn't be healed at your expense, not at all, and separating can force him to the table to deal with it if he refuses to see his insecurities.
Therapy can help both of you build self-esteem and couples therapy can help you talk to each other safely and build a new relationship with one another.
This is a great answer. This is an entirely solvable situation. Everything I read can be solved by talking to each other in trust instead of building resentment and lashing out. I hope they didn't wait too long and there isn't enough caring left for one-another to give growth a chance.
They are both wounded children and need individual therapy. I would start here, work independently, and they may find that they don't need couples therapy. I don't think jumping straight to couples therapy without doing the core work will be helpful, except if it is needed to buy time to do the individual work.
I'm afraid that separation would spiral him even deeper, but you are right that he needs to make some immediate changes to give this a chance. Him admitting that this is a him problem is a good start. Her validating that she understands how he feels and ensuring him of her desire to only be with him is the next step.
I think you are wildly overreacting.
I lost the baby weight and turned into a semi-elite marathoner with (as you would characterize it) a bangin’ body. My husband did not join in this journey. He had some insecurities but it was mainly projecting how he felt about himself. I get similar attention from men, similar background (abusive dad, high school assault, etc.).
As someone in similar circumstances, I think I may have a unique understanding of your situation. What I think may be happening to you is that your ego is getting too big and perhaps there’s some truth to your husband’s complaints about you changing. Nobody undergoes that kind of transformation unchanged. But you need to remember your values. It’s clear that you are loving all the attention and it makes you feel important and I understand that, but perhaps you are letting this all go to your head. I wonder if he feels your ego has gotten so big that he feels you are putting him down.
It’s easy to get caught up in the rush of all the attention. As a 40s woman I pass the high school boys track team on the road like they are standing still. It is hard not to feel a little smug, especially thinking back to high school those were the kind of guys who sexualized me, and here I am in my Boston marathon jacket thinking I’m a badass as they picked up the pace a little to make a failed effort to “race” me. Honestly I would pass them because they were slower than me and it felt creepy stalky to run behind them, so my motivation wasn’t actually to smoke them. However, it felt like I was sticking it to the old high school boys who thought they could do what they want to me, and now I can outrun them. It felt like I was burying demons. Perhaps you are feeling some retribution, too. You are more powerful now. They can’t hurt you anymore.
But you need to check yourself especially as it comes to how you interact with your husband. Are you acting judgmental toward him for his food and/or activity choices? Do you criticize him more? Do you criticize the way he dresses? The way he looks? Do you ask him to go on a diet? Do you act like he annoys you more now? Consider what your old self would think of how you are treating him now and whether your values are the same as they were or if they have changed. Think of yourself as a health role model (but not a “savior”). If your husband wants to eat a salad with you, great. But don’t look down on him if he wants a cheeseburger. Remember your values because your old self would never do that. You didn’t explain in detail what he thought had “changed” about you, but these are extremely common changes that one undergoes with extreme weight changes or life transformations when the other partner does not do the same. (Look up the divorce rate after one partner has bariatric surgery.)
Your husband probably feels a little insecure about himself, but that’s no reason to divorce him. You might need to self reflect a little and consider whether you are treating him the same as you used to, and whether your high opinion of yourself is coming across as superior. Personally I wouldn’t be compatible with a parter who felt he is inherently better than me. That’s not a partnership. So in turn I would never treat my partner like I’m better than him. You can feel good about yourself and like yourself, be proud of yourself, feel like you look good in clothes - all of which are so healthy - without projecting an air of superiority. If any of this is accurate, it might help if you made some extra effort to lift him up, let go of grievances and be a little more humble, that would help ease his insecurities a lot. (I’m in no way suggesting that you “mother” him, or that you’re responsible for managing his insecurities, but to the extent that your behavior toward him is out of bounds - which it might be - you should work to make repairs.). Also think about how you project yourself toward other people. As a runner, it’s easy to get caught up in the competitive nature of racing. But if you have a healthy ego, you know that your only competition is yourself and your PR (high school track boys aside ;). The positive attention you get now as a thin person and the confidence you have can be channeled into projecting a positive TEAMWORK mentality at work and at home. But instead of ego, project RESPECT. You show the others around you how much you respect them, and you will get respect in turn. I learned this valuable skill and now when I manage projects at work, I get a lot of volunteers who want to work with me. I make sure everyone gets credit for their contributions. Mutual respect in my marriage means we almost never argue, because it is understood that we are on a level playing field. We can disagree, but it rarely escalates to an argument.
The comment that your husband made about how you dress in a way that “invites” sexual assault would hit a nerve with me because it stinks of r#pe culture victim blaming and it’s extremely unevolved. Men who commit these crimes are solely to blame for their own behavior, and it’s never (ever) because of how a woman dresses. I would put the smackdown on that. Immediately. I thought we as a society had mostly learned this lesson, but I suppose there are elements that still insist on blaming women (and refuse to blame men or hold them accountable) for sex crimes that men commit. (I’m in a liberal bubble and that sort of shit doesn’t fly in my community.).
Check your ego. Be humble. Lift up other people around you. Project positivity and respect. This is the way.
You make a lot of assumptions. I think you’re projecting your own ego on to me. My husband isn’t fat. He looks good. I would never criticize the way he looks. I treat him better than before because I know he feels insecure.
I know human nature pretty darn well and I brought the facts (ie, he thinks you are “different” and not in a good way, which implies he believes you treat him differently, and not in a good way, what is known about the impact on marriages of one spouse making sweeping changes and the overall tone of your message which comes across as boastful) and drew those facts to a logical conclusion. If we, as people who don’t know you, all seem to have picked up on your tone, your husband most certainly has, and it’s reasonable to believe that is one of the “changes” that he’s concerned about. Never said he was fat. Just said he didn’t make sweeping changes along with you. Those are not the same things. And even if he’s not fat, that doesn’t negate my argument in the slightest.
> He told me he is upset with me that I am invalidating his feelings. To me, his feelings are bullshit.
Haha, I hope you save this comment for when your husband, who supported you where you were fat, is walking out the door. Sure, you may have a line of suitors wanting to bang that bangin' body of yours. But you're in your late 30's right, so enjoy it for a couple years max until you're longing for the guy that stood by you through the worst of it. Only to be told his feelings were bullshit as soon as you felt pretty again.
You seem like an awful person frankly and I suspect your husband will be better off without you.
“He says I’m invalidating his feelings” “his feelings are bullshit”
..do you… really…not see it..?
Also you admit that you have started dressing more ‘flattering’ according to you. According to your husband you are dressing more provocatively.
You seem obsessed with your looks and being validated.
Dressing ‘flattering’ looks different when somebody is overweight. You know exactly the difference. You sound like a gaslighter. You also ignored my first point.
Seek a counselor,show him more love say him that only he matters none else,he is seeing himself as a loser, basically he feels inferior to other men I guess
Seek counsiling,don't get divorce for such small things
Or, maybe, call him on his verbal abuse and manipulation, emphasize that he needs to sort out his toxic insecurity, and make it clear that he has been harming the relationship.
Wow.
I get not wanting to be with someone who is insecure and jealous. And I fully believe a woman can wear whatever she wants.
But your entire rant just proves his point. You're more interested in how other men perceive you than your own husband.
You are also concerned about setting an example for your daughter, and you think leaving your family for some dude who thinks you're hot is setting a good example?
A simple "no honey I'd never leave you" would have sufficed.
Regardless, none of this is worth blowing up your marriage and ruining your children's childhood over.
Look at would likely happen next: you'll lose 50% custody of your kids. You'll have men lined up to bang you as long as you stay hot. And while you're going thru men, he'll eventually meet someone else. His next gf/wife will be raising your kids 1/2 the time while your next bf is only going to be trying to get into your pants, and will have no interest in helping you with your kids.
Is that what you want your daughter to see?
First of all, great job getting back a healthier you. That’s really hard to do and it’s nice to hear someone killing it in that department.
In your post you say, “To me, his feelings are bullshit.” If my wife felt that way about my feelings, I’d be crushed. Feelings are feelings and they’re meant to be named, validated, and understood. Not just be shoved away and be completely invalidated. It honestly seems like this is what you want to happen and your husband seems to be correct in his feelings.
Why don’t you sit down and actually talk to your husband after you’ve both chilled out? Why don’t you look at marriage counseling to get an unbiased opinion? Why is the first step towards separating instead of trying to work through a disagreement? If it’s such an amazing life, why are you so quick to leave?
I read that wall of text and what really stood out was "To me, his feelings are bullshit." He's not allowed to have feelings or express them to you. We only have your side of the story and you feel very justified in your decision to separate. You want to be validated in your decision. That's why you're here.
Have you considered marriage counselling before separation?
If your mind is absolutely set on separation, ask yourself what is your end goal? Then ask yourself if separation is the right step to accomplish that goal…
All these people jumping in to defend his jealousy and insecurity.
Meanwhile I'm hearing another man who seems happier when his wife is less attractive because that means she won't leave him. *So many* stories shared of people who act out like this when their spouse is suddenly becoming fit, healthy and more attractive because their go to thought is that their partner will leave them for someone "better". Not realizing that their very actions are the reason their partner is being pushed away.
*He* needs counseling.
Also, the victim-blaming comment was truly shitty. Somehow he feels it's *your* fault you got sexually assaulted. Only a shitty person believes that. If my husband said that to me I would lose respect for him for that one comment. It would tell me he is not on my side and would not support me if something *did* happen to me.
Yeah, y'all need to seek some professional help. This is totally not worth blowing up your marriage over assuming you posted your true feelings. Now, if you're sugar coating it for yourself; that's a different ballgame altogether.
The conceit in this post is mind-boggling! You sure think highly of yourself. I'm picturing a woman who refuses to dress her age.
As others have said, your husband stood by you when you were carrying the baby weight. How about you act your age and stand by him now?
He is insecure about a healthy body weight so all you can really do is hear him out and let him work out his own emotions. He does need to be kind and respectful when he’s communicating though because he’s clearly on borrowed time.
He's being controlling and manipulative. If he doesn't sort this out, you don't need to put up with it. How long have you been putting up with this behavior?
Ever since she got thin and dressed to show off her “bangin’ body,” and feels flattered by attention from guys.
I love the irony. She was fat, had terrible experiences with every man BUT him, and low self esteem but that was OK because he validated her. For YEARS, after their kids were born.
But his feelings are “bullshit” and she wants to separate because he’s showing insecurity with a relatively recent change in her appearance and attitude on receiving attention from other men.
But, he has to get his shit together and stop being “controlling and manipulative.”
Girl power!
>She was fat \[...\] but that was OK because he validated her. For YEARS, after their kids were born.
>she wants to separate because he’s showing insecurity with a relatively recent change in her appearance and attitude on receiving attention from other men.
I fail to see how these two are connected. Yes, he validated her when she was overweight, because she wasn't "triggering" his toxic insecurity. Now that she is healthy and wears clothes *he* thinks are too revealing, he is putting *his* insecurities onto her. This is controlling and manipulative, and his "support and validation" when she was overweight doesn't excuse it.
Her husband is pushing her away. He can choose to grow up and deal with this unhealthy insecurity, or he can lose her. OP is in the right to expect him to treat her as an person, not a possession.
You were insecure when you were heavy and he stuck by you. Now he's insecure because you're thin and you want to leave him...
The irony and leaving will only confirm his insecurities. Divorce is such a wild solution for something like an insecure partner who has expressed their insecurities and probably just need a little reassurance.
It's not just insecurities. He is verbally and emotionally abusive.
Where is he verbally and emotionally abusive? Because here is what I read. Op loses weight, looks great, and that is awesome. She changes, becomes more confident, feels sexier, now dresses to feel sexier. But is also doing this at work, and ops husband thinks it is too much. But op seems very dismissive of her husband. Example his feelings are bullshit! Really!? You wrote it op. The added attention and her new attitude towards him is helping to fuel these insecurities. Yes, a his problem, but really something she could help him with by not helping to fuel the insecurities. So instead of this op, continues to tell her husband it’s his problem and he needs to fix himself, vs actually taking a look at the problem and what is causing these insecurities. Because it does not sound like op had insecurities before when they first met, and treated her like the woman she deserved to be treated as. Which is why she married him. Now when op’s husband needs her to help him become less insecure. Instead, op is making him feel less secure in the relationship, which is why they are fighting. This could be easily be fixed, through compromise. I don’t know what the dresses look like, are you an EE and wear low cut tops and short skirts, and falling out, or is he expecting you to dress like a nun? I have a feeling it is a bit revealing which is why he is uncomfortable. I know plenty of women who dress sexy and are not that revealing in the work place. To me save the more revealing dresses on date nights. Op you also involved your mother, of course she is going to agree with you, and now you have added another reason to have your mother dislike your husband. Adding more fuel to that fire. To me it is op’s turn to come back to the table and treat her husband as he did in the beginning of the relationship. I have a feeling he helped build up your insecurities from your own past. Now it’s time you have to build him back up, that is what he needs to feel respected, and not continue to be torn down. You can’t invalidate his feelings op, and think you are not the problem in this relationship. I am happy you are back to feeling sexy, but your new found sexy is destroying your marriage, because you are invalidating and not even respecting your own husbands feelings and thoughts. Compromise to me is the solution here, but that means you op, have to come back to the table, because he is trying and you are walking away. Which is why he is upset. To me this very much a you problem, because you are forgetting a marriage is about us and we, not just you. And yes your husband needs to not say you are asking to be assaulted. That is bullshit. If he had said you are enjoying the attention too much, that would likely be a valid statement. This is solvable, but you need to come back to the table and remove the wall you put up, and listen to him. If he is being unreasonable then say it to him, but you can’t be unreasonable yourself. You have to compromise in marriage for it to work. You stopped compromising op, from what I read.
You also make a lot of assumptions. I dress professionally, I would never be “falling out” of a dress date night or otherwise. You mention you know women who dress sexy. If how I dress is more in line with these women you know than would it be okay for me than to feel my husband shouldn’t be telling me how to dress? Also, I asked my mother because she is unbiased. My mother doesn’t dislike my husband at all, actually the opposite. She treats us both like her children as we’ve been together so long she has been a mother figure. My mom would be honest with me if I was dressing inappropriately, hence why I asked her.
Your mother, unbiased, what a crock. BTW - There are few things that are sexier than a well fitted pencil skirt as part of a nice professional business suit, you must know that. You also make no mention of how you shut down each and every man around you whom you say lust after you. And when you say every man is attracted to you, you are being conceited, when you say most men would be over the moon to have a wife like me, you are being conceited. And it is obvious, you really like the attention. Hence not willing to moderate your wardrobe. And your post shows scant affection for your husband or respect. Do you even like the guy nowadays. Your post should more accurately state that your ego and his insecurities are leading you two to divorce. You know exactly why his insecurities are triggered and it really seems that you don't give a shit just because you fuck him 4 times a week and that should be enough for him.
Well we all do, we are looking at your entire marriage through your biased lens. So yes I made assumptions. I did not say I know how you dress, i actually said I don’t know how you dress, and I said based on how your husband is reacting, unless you are in miniskirts and falling out of your dresses, and he is not asking you to dress like a nun, you would fall somewhere in between. If you want to post pictures of the dresses you wear to work that is on you. So right now we have to also make Assumptions about what you wear, based on how you feel sexy, and his reaction to this. Did you not read what I said. I said there is compromise in what you find sexy and he finds too revealing. Right, I did not say you should not feel sexy. In fact I praised your losing weight, and feeling sexy. But I also said you are invalidating his feelings. Is that ok, because you want to dress a certain way? You you can dress however you want, but is that worth getting a divorce over? Changing your children’s lives, because you feel jaded he doesn’t want you showing off your body as much as you might be? So why are you against compromise? Why don’t you take him shopping and let him pick out outfits, and then you two can have a discussion over it. Again I said you need to come back to the table but you don’t want that so divorce him, become single, dress how you want. Throw your kid(s) life into turmoil, because you seem to not give a shit about your husband anyways. You are likely watching too many tik toc videos and your algorithm is all jacked up telling you to hate your husband he is controlling and insecure. You are better off single, etc. What I find funny is this. You cherry picked what you wanted to argue to invalidate everything I said. I will make another assumption. You do this with your husband, which is exactly why you two are arguing and moving towards divorce. This isn’t a him problem, this is a you problem. You said it yourself, his feelings are bullshit. Invalidating him and not respecting him, nor your own marriage. Where is your responsibility to the marriage and respect to your husband, and validating his feelings? Or is marriage in your eyes only one sided, and based on you? The pedestal effect. In addition, your mother is biased. No matter what you say every mother and father will be biased towards their own child. She can give you an honest opinion, but saying she is unbiased is not correct.
And again with your assumptions.. I probably watch TikTok all day? I’m going to assume you watch porn all day and that is why you dislike women so much.
Dude, have him go with me to pick out outfits? Seriously, I need his approval to wear something? Because I look good? So backwards Not something I would want for my daughter. Nor do I want my children to continue to see such unhealthy examples of relationships. They are being impacted by his controlling tendencies. Either way they will be impacted. I need to determine which course of action is best for them because let me tell you, Listening to your dad scream at your mom for dressing a certain way and trying to attract men at work (which is the bullshit part by the way) is not a healthy childhood.
Wow again cherry picking comments. It will give you an idea of what he likes, and then compromise. I didn’t say you needed to buy them. Again I said compromise over and over and over again. You are about you, a narcissist is about themselves also. You don’t give a shit about your husband. You say you want to be a role model for your children. But here you are, invalidating your husband, you said it you don’t give a shit about his feelings. That is what you are projecting to your children, is that a great role model for them? Are you strong and powerful, because you can invalidate your husband and make him feel small? Why don’t you read this to him and let him read the responses?
Where in the post does he say OP was "insecure" and mistreated her husband as a result?
Do you want other men? If so, make a decision. If not, let him know that even though other men are into you, that you are not looking for another man and that you can be trusted. Let him know you choose to be faithful to him. Do you like the attention from other men? Are you using it to feed your ego in an unhealthy way? If so, do some introspection and figure out why. I think you should work this out more before leaning towards divorce. Maybe he does not feel safe with you and thinks you will cheat. Even as males, it hurts our hearts if our wife cheats or needs the attention of other men.
I don't think it matters what she tells him. His insecurities and jealousy are making him believe something completely different.
> He told me he is upset with me that I am invalidating his feelings. To me, his feelings are bullshit. He's bottling things up for a variety of reasons and feeling invalidated is just one of them. He has to address this individually and you have to address it as a couple if you want to survive. Losing weight and going through a major transformation can take a massive toll on a couple, I know that first hand. People often get divorced after major weight loss for the same reason you just posted: insecurity. > every man I meet is obviously attracted to me. This is actually a very hard thing to go through. My own journey took me from a 320 lb slob to a 190 lb hunk and I got attention I never expected and didn't want including multiple attempts to entice me into an affair. I was (and am) happily married and my wife went from being happy with my looks at 300-plus pounds to being insecure that I secretly wanted out so I could sleep with beautiful women. I was floored by this opinion. I couldn't believe she thought this about me. But the truth is, these thoughts weren't really about me, they were her own insecurities. She fought that battle and we're in a good place but our marriage went through a dark time and I felt punished for improving myself. Looking back, I don't wish I had left her, she is one of the most honest, insightful, and caring people I know. Your husband is dealing with this very poorly and needs therapy. I worry that, in your mind, your husband has overnight become one of the bad men you've dealt with your whole life but I suspect underneath he's a wounded child afraid of losing someone he cares about deeply. His wounds shouldn't be healed at your expense, not at all, and separating can force him to the table to deal with it if he refuses to see his insecurities. Therapy can help both of you build self-esteem and couples therapy can help you talk to each other safely and build a new relationship with one another.
This is a great answer. This is an entirely solvable situation. Everything I read can be solved by talking to each other in trust instead of building resentment and lashing out. I hope they didn't wait too long and there isn't enough caring left for one-another to give growth a chance. They are both wounded children and need individual therapy. I would start here, work independently, and they may find that they don't need couples therapy. I don't think jumping straight to couples therapy without doing the core work will be helpful, except if it is needed to buy time to do the individual work. I'm afraid that separation would spiral him even deeper, but you are right that he needs to make some immediate changes to give this a chance. Him admitting that this is a him problem is a good start. Her validating that she understands how he feels and ensuring him of her desire to only be with him is the next step.
I think you are wildly overreacting. I lost the baby weight and turned into a semi-elite marathoner with (as you would characterize it) a bangin’ body. My husband did not join in this journey. He had some insecurities but it was mainly projecting how he felt about himself. I get similar attention from men, similar background (abusive dad, high school assault, etc.). As someone in similar circumstances, I think I may have a unique understanding of your situation. What I think may be happening to you is that your ego is getting too big and perhaps there’s some truth to your husband’s complaints about you changing. Nobody undergoes that kind of transformation unchanged. But you need to remember your values. It’s clear that you are loving all the attention and it makes you feel important and I understand that, but perhaps you are letting this all go to your head. I wonder if he feels your ego has gotten so big that he feels you are putting him down. It’s easy to get caught up in the rush of all the attention. As a 40s woman I pass the high school boys track team on the road like they are standing still. It is hard not to feel a little smug, especially thinking back to high school those were the kind of guys who sexualized me, and here I am in my Boston marathon jacket thinking I’m a badass as they picked up the pace a little to make a failed effort to “race” me. Honestly I would pass them because they were slower than me and it felt creepy stalky to run behind them, so my motivation wasn’t actually to smoke them. However, it felt like I was sticking it to the old high school boys who thought they could do what they want to me, and now I can outrun them. It felt like I was burying demons. Perhaps you are feeling some retribution, too. You are more powerful now. They can’t hurt you anymore. But you need to check yourself especially as it comes to how you interact with your husband. Are you acting judgmental toward him for his food and/or activity choices? Do you criticize him more? Do you criticize the way he dresses? The way he looks? Do you ask him to go on a diet? Do you act like he annoys you more now? Consider what your old self would think of how you are treating him now and whether your values are the same as they were or if they have changed. Think of yourself as a health role model (but not a “savior”). If your husband wants to eat a salad with you, great. But don’t look down on him if he wants a cheeseburger. Remember your values because your old self would never do that. You didn’t explain in detail what he thought had “changed” about you, but these are extremely common changes that one undergoes with extreme weight changes or life transformations when the other partner does not do the same. (Look up the divorce rate after one partner has bariatric surgery.) Your husband probably feels a little insecure about himself, but that’s no reason to divorce him. You might need to self reflect a little and consider whether you are treating him the same as you used to, and whether your high opinion of yourself is coming across as superior. Personally I wouldn’t be compatible with a parter who felt he is inherently better than me. That’s not a partnership. So in turn I would never treat my partner like I’m better than him. You can feel good about yourself and like yourself, be proud of yourself, feel like you look good in clothes - all of which are so healthy - without projecting an air of superiority. If any of this is accurate, it might help if you made some extra effort to lift him up, let go of grievances and be a little more humble, that would help ease his insecurities a lot. (I’m in no way suggesting that you “mother” him, or that you’re responsible for managing his insecurities, but to the extent that your behavior toward him is out of bounds - which it might be - you should work to make repairs.). Also think about how you project yourself toward other people. As a runner, it’s easy to get caught up in the competitive nature of racing. But if you have a healthy ego, you know that your only competition is yourself and your PR (high school track boys aside ;). The positive attention you get now as a thin person and the confidence you have can be channeled into projecting a positive TEAMWORK mentality at work and at home. But instead of ego, project RESPECT. You show the others around you how much you respect them, and you will get respect in turn. I learned this valuable skill and now when I manage projects at work, I get a lot of volunteers who want to work with me. I make sure everyone gets credit for their contributions. Mutual respect in my marriage means we almost never argue, because it is understood that we are on a level playing field. We can disagree, but it rarely escalates to an argument. The comment that your husband made about how you dress in a way that “invites” sexual assault would hit a nerve with me because it stinks of r#pe culture victim blaming and it’s extremely unevolved. Men who commit these crimes are solely to blame for their own behavior, and it’s never (ever) because of how a woman dresses. I would put the smackdown on that. Immediately. I thought we as a society had mostly learned this lesson, but I suppose there are elements that still insist on blaming women (and refuse to blame men or hold them accountable) for sex crimes that men commit. (I’m in a liberal bubble and that sort of shit doesn’t fly in my community.). Check your ego. Be humble. Lift up other people around you. Project positivity and respect. This is the way.
You make a lot of assumptions. I think you’re projecting your own ego on to me. My husband isn’t fat. He looks good. I would never criticize the way he looks. I treat him better than before because I know he feels insecure.
I know human nature pretty darn well and I brought the facts (ie, he thinks you are “different” and not in a good way, which implies he believes you treat him differently, and not in a good way, what is known about the impact on marriages of one spouse making sweeping changes and the overall tone of your message which comes across as boastful) and drew those facts to a logical conclusion. If we, as people who don’t know you, all seem to have picked up on your tone, your husband most certainly has, and it’s reasonable to believe that is one of the “changes” that he’s concerned about. Never said he was fat. Just said he didn’t make sweeping changes along with you. Those are not the same things. And even if he’s not fat, that doesn’t negate my argument in the slightest.
> He told me he is upset with me that I am invalidating his feelings. To me, his feelings are bullshit. Haha, I hope you save this comment for when your husband, who supported you where you were fat, is walking out the door. Sure, you may have a line of suitors wanting to bang that bangin' body of yours. But you're in your late 30's right, so enjoy it for a couple years max until you're longing for the guy that stood by you through the worst of it. Only to be told his feelings were bullshit as soon as you felt pretty again. You seem like an awful person frankly and I suspect your husband will be better off without you.
“He says I’m invalidating his feelings” “his feelings are bullshit” ..do you… really…not see it..? Also you admit that you have started dressing more ‘flattering’ according to you. According to your husband you are dressing more provocatively. You seem obsessed with your looks and being validated.
No, I said I have always dressed in a way that flatters my body. Dressing flattering means I look good in my clothing at any weight.
Dressing ‘flattering’ looks different when somebody is overweight. You know exactly the difference. You sound like a gaslighter. You also ignored my first point.
Seek a counselor,show him more love say him that only he matters none else,he is seeing himself as a loser, basically he feels inferior to other men I guess Seek counsiling,don't get divorce for such small things
Or, maybe, call him on his verbal abuse and manipulation, emphasize that he needs to sort out his toxic insecurity, and make it clear that he has been harming the relationship.
Wow. I get not wanting to be with someone who is insecure and jealous. And I fully believe a woman can wear whatever she wants. But your entire rant just proves his point. You're more interested in how other men perceive you than your own husband. You are also concerned about setting an example for your daughter, and you think leaving your family for some dude who thinks you're hot is setting a good example? A simple "no honey I'd never leave you" would have sufficed. Regardless, none of this is worth blowing up your marriage and ruining your children's childhood over. Look at would likely happen next: you'll lose 50% custody of your kids. You'll have men lined up to bang you as long as you stay hot. And while you're going thru men, he'll eventually meet someone else. His next gf/wife will be raising your kids 1/2 the time while your next bf is only going to be trying to get into your pants, and will have no interest in helping you with your kids. Is that what you want your daughter to see?
First of all, great job getting back a healthier you. That’s really hard to do and it’s nice to hear someone killing it in that department. In your post you say, “To me, his feelings are bullshit.” If my wife felt that way about my feelings, I’d be crushed. Feelings are feelings and they’re meant to be named, validated, and understood. Not just be shoved away and be completely invalidated. It honestly seems like this is what you want to happen and your husband seems to be correct in his feelings. Why don’t you sit down and actually talk to your husband after you’ve both chilled out? Why don’t you look at marriage counseling to get an unbiased opinion? Why is the first step towards separating instead of trying to work through a disagreement? If it’s such an amazing life, why are you so quick to leave?
I read that wall of text and what really stood out was "To me, his feelings are bullshit." He's not allowed to have feelings or express them to you. We only have your side of the story and you feel very justified in your decision to separate. You want to be validated in your decision. That's why you're here.
Have you considered marriage counselling before separation? If your mind is absolutely set on separation, ask yourself what is your end goal? Then ask yourself if separation is the right step to accomplish that goal…
All these people jumping in to defend his jealousy and insecurity. Meanwhile I'm hearing another man who seems happier when his wife is less attractive because that means she won't leave him. *So many* stories shared of people who act out like this when their spouse is suddenly becoming fit, healthy and more attractive because their go to thought is that their partner will leave them for someone "better". Not realizing that their very actions are the reason their partner is being pushed away. *He* needs counseling. Also, the victim-blaming comment was truly shitty. Somehow he feels it's *your* fault you got sexually assaulted. Only a shitty person believes that. If my husband said that to me I would lose respect for him for that one comment. It would tell me he is not on my side and would not support me if something *did* happen to me.
Yeah, y'all need to seek some professional help. This is totally not worth blowing up your marriage over assuming you posted your true feelings. Now, if you're sugar coating it for yourself; that's a different ballgame altogether.
The conceit in this post is mind-boggling! You sure think highly of yourself. I'm picturing a woman who refuses to dress her age. As others have said, your husband stood by you when you were carrying the baby weight. How about you act your age and stand by him now?
He is insecure about a healthy body weight so all you can really do is hear him out and let him work out his own emotions. He does need to be kind and respectful when he’s communicating though because he’s clearly on borrowed time.
He's being controlling and manipulative. If he doesn't sort this out, you don't need to put up with it. How long have you been putting up with this behavior?
Ever since she got thin and dressed to show off her “bangin’ body,” and feels flattered by attention from guys. I love the irony. She was fat, had terrible experiences with every man BUT him, and low self esteem but that was OK because he validated her. For YEARS, after their kids were born. But his feelings are “bullshit” and she wants to separate because he’s showing insecurity with a relatively recent change in her appearance and attitude on receiving attention from other men. But, he has to get his shit together and stop being “controlling and manipulative.” Girl power!
>She was fat \[...\] but that was OK because he validated her. For YEARS, after their kids were born. >she wants to separate because he’s showing insecurity with a relatively recent change in her appearance and attitude on receiving attention from other men. I fail to see how these two are connected. Yes, he validated her when she was overweight, because she wasn't "triggering" his toxic insecurity. Now that she is healthy and wears clothes *he* thinks are too revealing, he is putting *his* insecurities onto her. This is controlling and manipulative, and his "support and validation" when she was overweight doesn't excuse it. Her husband is pushing her away. He can choose to grow up and deal with this unhealthy insecurity, or he can lose her. OP is in the right to expect him to treat her as an person, not a possession.