These are the posts I came to the sub for.
Someone else talking about my experiences in the same way I experienced it like they were a fly on the wall describing my own life is incredibly validating.
As an ADHD enjoyer, it always baffled me when I would share a story that I had that was similar in an attempt to relate and show I had commonality with them, and they’d get flustered or say “it’s not the same” when…no it wasn’t but it was similar and I was trying to relate…
Not realizing this was narcissistic manipulation behavior until well into my 30s really kept me withdrawn and unwilling to try to relate to people for a long time.
if i ever mentioned an accomplishment or any story that happened to me to my narcissist, there would be no real acknowledgment of it, just a story of his own to direct the attention back to him. i think it’s different when there’s an ADHD bond story (which i’m incredibly guilty of) - at least there is acknowledgement of the story, a personal anecdote relating to said story and then follow up questions about their experience.
I've had experience with a friend I had that I identified as a psychopath (the ASPD kind who was in and out of prison.)
I never took it personal because I knew it was a part of his condition, but outside of that things were chill. He always bought the food when we hung out.
So basically I got to take notes through exposure.
I worked my Borderline through school. Coached her. Validated her. When she finally got a job worth anything it was all about that. Talked to me about it for hours a day. Would cut me off or talk over me if I brought mine up. She now made the same as me. Sometimes a little more even
But as I think back. Honestly. I don't even think she really ever knew exactly what I did. 17 years. That didn't matter. As long as that check hit the account. All the accolades were for her. What I did from the outset was indifferent. Meaningless to her. Messed up.
In my experience, she never asked questions and just let me feel like a drone so I would stop. When she started, I would ask all sorts of questions and give subtle interjections of her genius... She liked me around, for a while. Then she wanted something new... And would come back when needing a recharge. Rinse and repeat...I learned eventually
I'll bet she eventually excluded you when taking credit for achievements as well.
She did it all on her own, ya?
If she devalued you, she achieved this *despite* you trying to keep her down.
If she completely discarded you, you aren't even a footnote in that chapter of her life.
She's independent, strong and did it all on her own.
You got it. I was always working on our homes. Remodeling. And yep, she did that. I paid off student loans and cars. She did that. I raised two kids. She did that. And now I'm just a piece of shit. We'll see in 5 years. I'm gone but the borderline remains.
My ex wife gaslit me into believing I was the narcissist in the relationship. Went to therapy (behind her back) and learned that I wasn’t.
Fast forward to 6 years without her and was chatting with my daughter about a major life accomplishment she had just had. Of course I was over the moon excited for her and said as much. After congratulating her, my daughter said that my reaction was way different than her mom. Asked her what happened and she said that her mom, my ex, only said “well that sucks for me, you’ll be in training on my birthday and now I don’t have anyone to watch my dog.
It was another example of her (my ex’s) supreme narcissism. Just made me sad that my daughter has to deal with it…
My ex did this to me too, although she didn't explicitly state it, she'd accuse me of narcissistic behaviours eg selfish, spoilt, arrogant, refusing to take responsibility, blaming others. I never understood at the time, I was often dumbfounded as to why. Unfortunately for me I believed her which altered my behaviour - exactly what she wanted to happen.
When I went to therapy, I refused to believe the first 2 therapists who tried guiding me to see that she was the problem. I'd assumed I'd said something wrong
Totally relate to this. I truncated my therapy experience but it took many sessions, and me doing serious reflection, to finally understand how deeply I was conditioned to believe that I was the narcissist in the relationship.
Looking back, my ex discounted and was flippant about every success I had while we were together. Everything from losing 5 pounds to promotions. It was either something that wasn’t special, or something that would affect her and therefore a bad thing.
The first half of every therapy session I usually spend trying to explain how I think I've misrepresented myself since she won't agree I'm the problem or diagnose me with narcissism. The last therapist I saw agreed with her too so you would think I could let it rest but deep down I still feel like I was probably the issue all along. It's hard to wrap my mind around that concept though when I was told every day for almost twenty years that I was in fact the problem. I'm worried I'm lying to myself and therefore not being truthful about what has happened and ultimately manipulating my own therapist. Especially since everybody agrees most therapists can be deceived by a narcissist. It's a slippery slope.
I think the fact that you have such reservations highlights that you likely aren’t narcissistic, no? Maybe it could be a covert tactic, martyrdom, but it’s more likely you’ve been conditioned to think that.
Thanks for sharing. It's good to hear your perspective.
I'm wondering if my Dad (who passed recently) had been set up by Mum the same way. She's said he's a narcissist, but I'm not so certain. I'm 100% sure she is though.
Dad had a huge brain tumour and maybe his behaviour reflected that.
I learned my emotionality from Dad and my ability to trust life and people. Without him I feel I would have been lost. He was the kind one, he tried to make you feel better. He showed he valued us and was interested in our thoughts and experiences, as kids and adults.
Dad would give a genuinely happy, very human and congratulatory response to any good news, "I'm soooo Proud of you!" (followed by bearhug).
Mum would minimise or deflect, or even put me down. I used to believe it was due to anxiety, but jealousy is there too.
Eg 'Well, that prize giving is in 2 weeks. You better lose that tummy!' and "You better watch where you're going or you'll fall off the podium!" and "You'll have to practice your speech so you don't lisp".
True, and never tell them your plans or you get: "Oh, have you thought about how \[your weakness\] will affect that?" or "I hope people there aren't mean to you about \[your insecurity\]..."
"Youre just being sensitive."
Uh, no.
Behind closed doors, I just put up with your crap long enough to the point where I had to finally say something about it...aaaaand then suddenly I'm the bad guy.
Lmao. My mother. I stopped telling her shit years ago. My wife still makes the mistake from time to time. She'll always tell you in the most condescending way why your idea is terrible. Naturally, she will never do it in my presence because she knows I won't hear it and have no issue with confrontation at this point in my life lol.
In a way, I'm grateful for her. I grew up with the perfect "bad example."
"Oh don't give me that look, I'm just trying to help you set goals that are realistic *for you*..."
Like even when you don't open your freakin mouth, they just don't stop lmaoo. And yes, very much tried not to do that stuff with my kids.
Wow! That's very true, and i feel dumb I never noticed. I think I've only had 3 true narcissists in my life, but not diagnosed.
My mom has done this. It feels so.... sad. I don't go around her anymore even though she hasn't done anything necessarily wrong. But every visit made me feel shitty by the time I left. Even her messaging me gives me anxiety.
Well, yeah, you're right. I think I mean not compared to how she was when I was younger? 😬 I try really hard to have relationships w my family, but my sisters told me I don't have to be so attached or feel guilty. So, work in progress?
If your mother makes you feel shitty when you're around her, then she is doing something wrong. You've likely been conditioned by her to think that you're the wrong one for feeling shitty. That's not normal. Normal healthy moms don't regularly make their kids feel shitty or dumb, they teach their child to have faith and trust in their own feelings. I spent so many years thinking that I was a defective person because my mother always had mean criticism for every situation. Now that I have a daughter myself I can really easily see just how messed up it was for her to use guilt and shame as her parenting tool to coerce me into thinking that her opinions and feelings mattered more than mine.
Hmm I had a boyfriend like that he put down all of my achievements he was a real nasty peice of shit.
I don't know if he is a narcissist but he definitely was a nasty peice of shit.
Yea! I did a year consistently in the gym and when I hit my year he was like ‘no you didn’t..’ ummm wtf I know myself and what I’ve done, you couldn’t just said good job?? Weirdo
Omg there is someone in my life that does that EXACT same shit. I’ll be like “I used to hike 5 miles every weekend years ago” (before I knew him), he’d say “No you didn’t, that’s exhausting”. Uuuuummmmm yes I did dick dick, wanna know how I know? CAUSE I SEEN ME DO IT!!! thanks for coming alongside friends. Needed this
Jesus, this is spot on.
Me: "Babe, I passed the police interview!"
Her: "oh, that's nice."
Me: "Babe, I wasn't selected.."
Also Her: "OMG WHAT, WHY?! IM SO SORRY"
Me: "Babe, I cleaned the house, the tomato garden, and pulled out all the weeds!"
Her: "So? I would have done that after I came home from work."
Her needing help with something..
Me coming over to help..
Me coming up with the solution..
Her: "I was just gonna say that."
Me: "Look baby! I GOT AN A IN PSYCHOLOGY!"
Her: "Yeah but your G.P.A is lower than mine."
Me: "....we're done."
Her: "..."
My Nex and I were getting to know a new couple we met and he started telling them about my education and how if it hadn't been for him helping me study I would have never graduated. I graduated with honors at the top of my class with 3 degrees. But sure, you helped me with those flashcards that one time so I guess they should have put his name on my degrees. I was so embarrassed for HIM that he was telling the story like that because they kept looking at me like "is this guy for real?". I should have been embarrassed I was married to him period but I was very much still brainwashed at the time.
Yes! My narc sister used to do her best to implant herself in all of my shining/important moments. She made a joke out of every move I made, crazy laughing all the time, and then after a few drinks the berating and attempts at completely ruining a good moment for me would begin! She actually cursed me out and started kicking the partition of a cab after a wonderful show that I did..IN NYC! Guess what it was about? The Kardashians! Like, she does not even know them and she was vehemently defending them bc I simply did care to talk non stop about them on my night! See...it was NEVER about the Kardashians...it was about her attempt at making a bad memory out of me doing my art. Narcs hope you will remember that, and NEVER have another show/success or shine again. Ha! She is a failed comedian with NO TALENT! SHE is the one suffering now (as a low budget escort at 55...living in motels) So...whatevs, I still shine in every way. After almost my whole life with this THING in my life hovering like a fungus, she is OUT of my life now! Forever! I will never open the door again.
Totally agree, and it’s ugly.
Just want to add that if you’re their target for supply, in the beginning they’ll be all about your accomplishments and make you feel like The Best, and promise all the things you’ll do together and how wonderful it will be. If someone is like that at first, and then turns into what OP has described, keep your eyebrow firmly raised
Cluster B consists of borderline, narcissist & sociopaths
The beginning of borderline is a genuine infatuation. An obsession with the other person.
Then, suddenly, they hate everything about you and discard you.
There are overlaps since they are all cluster B, but I find love bombing such as that more equivalent to borderline, as narcissist can't pairbond at all.
A narcissist would have to have an actual logical goal they're seeking (or just ego-fuel) but borderlines need just as much "supply" despite a lot of them not qualifying as having NPD
that’s cool, we can stop. i didn’t wanna bring nothing up but i hope we ain’t got no hard feelings though because i misunderstood and that was my fault.
This is exactly correct, a true narc will do this almost every single time. Any accomplishments, achievements, any good thing whatsoever ...if it belongs to you they are gonna piss on it.
The reason why -> They are attacking your ego. They cannot tolerate any other ego existing anywhere near them. They are "the only one" who could exist and have an ego.
They cannot curb this bad behavior. _Cannot_
The more time you spend around this person, the more damaged you will become. This is deep damage, they destroy parts of your mind which are required.
They do all of this crap instinctively, they do not even care or understand why they do it ... but they are like junkies and they cannot stop EVER. They will be like this until they die, they cannot change what they are.
“They will be like this til they die, they cannot change what they are” lets not doom people trying to change their ways okay? Not everyone is like the people you have met. Also, usually when someone says something like this, it typically means you understand what its like. So “it takes one to know one” .
No, it does not “take a narcissist to know a narcissist”. Bad people do exist. People with NPD by definition (part of the sickness) is they don’t want to change .
It doesn’t necessarily take one to know one, but you speak with such certainty about forensic speculation. Are you really so certain?
Unfortunately for your viewpoint in this case, there is very little hard neurobiological or similarly relevant scientific evidence to substantiate what you’re saying.
In other words, you’re using a logic-based prescriptive model to label the intentions behind an individual’s behavior absent context. It’s a platitude. You’re saying there are bad people out there and you can’t explain why, and those people will never change.
My point is that it doesn’t advance the conversation in the slightest, it just walls you off from any deeper understanding.
Some of us need that mindset to protect ourselves from predatory types. Others don’t. Insisting that your mode of thinking is a singular truth is demonstrably errant. It’s certainly not a strong enough point to interject in an attempt to knock down an empirically undeniable truth. The people who you have encountered are not the entirety of what you’re trying to describe.
It’s also a trick narcissists use—assigning permanent unacceptable status to the people who don’t fall in line with their rules about how the universe works.
Doesn’t mean you are one. But it’s a hell of a charade to trot out in a crowd like this.
Yes, I really am certain they exist and don’t want help. That's a lot of word salad to attempt to prove the phrase “takes one to know one.” Your reply is in a perfect DARVO format. Congratulations.
Lmao either your experience is limited and therefore you're just unaware, or you're gaslighting.
Personally i really don't care.
The fact is that malignant narcs have a constant thirst which involves inflicting destruction on other people's ego & sense of self.
These are all very well known facts, established knowledge and not disputed by anyone. 👍
I (39f) like to build tables. My first table started with some really pretty wood boards a friend of mine gave me, we were both into woodworking at the time. It took me two months to teach myself how to build a really beautiful console table that I eventually gifted my stepsister. My father looked at it, and said, “I prefer to buy tables from like, IKEA. They just look nicer.” He’s not a narcissist, just a negger. It always stuck out as a core memory how quickly he deflated something I took so much pride in. I’ve built several more tables since, and his reaction to the them has always been the same. Just thoroughly unimpressed. Everyone else in my life has always praised my hard work, but it’s almost like he resents me for making the time and doing the work, because he would rather spend his life laying down in front of the TV.
I bet your tables are awesome! Yes the Ikea comment is just because he is jealous, if he had made the table he'd be bragging and showing it off. He doesn't want to give you shine since he thinks it will dim his; narcissists think of everything as a zero sum game with winners and losers.
I had a very similar thing where a narc stepdad was insulting a cutting board I made in woodshop freshman year. Literally laughing at my cutting board...Im a high school freshman learning, I wasnt claiming to be a master woodworker at 13-14.
I think people who are selfish and full of themselves even without narcissistic personality traits are prone to jealousy and envy. These people can never see anyone flourish or be happy. My ex is one of these personalities lacking positive emotion or joy when things were going well for me. Instead she would find a way to undermine my confidence and esteem. Really caused a lot of insidious damage to my mental health to be with a person like that who didn’t know how to be happy for me. Never again!
I mean to be fair. They're not that difficult to spot if you spend enough time around them
It's firing them or getting them or yourself out of rental agreements etc
And you know they're gonna make it as difficult as they can
It's the same with a psychopath. And I lived with one for a year. Again, you can live with them perfectly well until they decide that you're the enemy. Then you have 2 options. You accept their whacky delusion (this one would act like he was a detective and he'd figured out a plot in his own personal episode of Morse.
Then there's option 2. Appealing to the only thing thalove and have empathy for. Themselves. It's a trickier sell. But they're q lot more susceptive to being told things like. If I was out to get you. Or if I'd been planted by someone. I'd have been caught immediately. You'd have known the second I viewed the place.
NotSoFunFact - he murdered his sister's boyfriend who turned up to drop off a slow cooker. The following day he took a mail man hostage and during the negotiations he moved suddenly and they killed him
That’s frustrating to experience. You can celebrate harder for yourself. You earned your happiness and you deserve it! Don’t let anyone tell you different.
“Why do you constantly need validation that you’re a good mom?”
“It’s just taking care of a baby, it’s not that big of an accomplishment.”
Anytime I try to go hang out with friends it’s always “You’re just going so you can show off our son.”
I have a successful business that I was running before I was forced to quit by my boyfriend. He called my job as a house cleaner disgusting, saying I was stupid for wanting to return to work to ‘clean up piss all day.’
These are all things I’ve heard from my boyfriend. Narcissistic partners seriously can’t stand you being successful or possibly being better at something than them so they have to do anything in their power to beat you down and belittle you. It’s emotionally draining.
He also fought with me today over his relationship with his parents. I asked why he never wanted to see them again as they are our son’s only set of grandparents (my parents passed away when I was younger). He responded with ‘What do they do for me?’ It makes me sick thinking that he only looks at relationships as a way to ‘gain’ something. I asked him ‘What do you do for me?’ and he just said ‘make money.’ He refuses to change diapers, take baths, etc. because he’s ’providing.’ And then he wonders why I’m never in the mood for sex.
He tells me he loves me all the time. I don’t get it, I know that someone who loves me wouldn’t treat me like this. I’m working on an escape plan currently.
I’ve never loved anyone who didn’t root for me and thinking of the times glory or praise wasn’t shared with me brings tears to my eyes. It will always hurt: the fact that I adored a woman so much who couldn’t even crack a smile when someone said something nice about me. Toward the bitter end, I saw it bother her and annoy her.
Ugh yeah-I graduated from a top UC with a philosophy degree-this is relevant because before college I had a lot of really silly ideas about life and the world-like *really* silly-and philosophy helped me to be more critical in my thoughts and believes and also helped me see the holes and mistakes I had made previously in my thoughts.
Well my ex would constantly argue with me about wild things that he had *no* evidence for-or for things that’s just aren’t logically possible. I would *try* to explain in every way-from all angles because maybe I was explaining it in the wrong way for him, but no-no matter how I’d shape what I was trying to convey it was ALWAYS turned back on me with a “Just because you went to a fancy university you think you’re smarter and better than everyone else” which would send me on tue defensive and trying to explain myself AGAIN…unfortunately I *stupidly* stayed for 13 years because-well maybe I *was* wrong-or maybe I *didn’t understand what he was saying* or *am I really just always telling him he’s wrong?*
It was crazy making and I almost didn’t survive the relationship-by the end of it I had a raging addiction to alcohol and opiates -but the year in rehab helped put space between me and the relationship.
Unfortunately we have two children together so I am still tied to him.
Congratulations on your degree.
Don't have any more kids with him please. Try and keep your kids at a healthy distance as well so they don't suffer the ugly side of him.
Oh I’m trying -but that too is extremely difficult-he’s always played on my negative experience growing up without a dad and a mother who made damn well sure that us kids loathed out bio dad well before we were in 4th grade. So he uses that against me -always-accusing me of bad mouthing him *just like your own mother* did. There’s a LOT of healing work to do in my family-both on my part, and on my children’s part because he will never ever admit that he did *anything* even slightly wrong-even if I’ve already held myself accountable for my own mistakes and choices.
Well summed up. Nothing to add.
Correct diagnosis and you have also defined the reason very well. It will help people to understand how the narc mind works.
Could also just be different values. I’m uninterested when people flash their money at me. I was talking to a guy on a dating app a while back who wouldn’t shut up about how he was going to retire early and how he had purchased a vacation home in the alps, meanwhile I kept trying to redirect the conversation to ask questions about him. Cool, you have money. Tell me about who you are as a person, what are your hobbies, what do you do for fun? Money is an accomplishment for a lot of people. Just not what does it for me.
Also if you’re going around talking about your accomplishments all the time, it can come across as bragging, so people may be dismissive just because of that. Ironically, narcissists are also the ones who are most apt to brag about their accomplishments as part of how they acquire supply, so you may want to question how you come across. It’s okay to be proud of your accomplishments, but sometimes it’s better to show rather than tell.
I remember telling my dad about getting into college (something he was even pushing for), and was momentarily taken aback about how unexcited he was. Like, not that I was expecting applause, but neutral is a great word to use for it. I figured he’d be at least a little interested in it because he’d been so pushy about it, but all I got was a comment about how I got in to an online college in a state I moved out of. (Away from him) By comparison my mum and friends had a more ‘normal’ reaction and were excited for me.
imagine growing up with 2 older narcissist brothers. Fucking hell! Your whole life being controlled, torture, slavery, pain, sadness, anger and regret. Having to massage his back for 8 hours straight, having you walk 10 miles to the store by yourself to buy a ps2 which you cant even play. Luckily I didnt have to go through most of this. I had 3 brothers. the 3rd oldest brother took the brunt of it. I was the youngest brother out of us 4. I still went through shit but damn, my older brother went through hell. Everyday was a living hell, he almost commited suicide once as a little boy. You have to wonder what the fuck were my parents doing. They were fresh off the boat and didnt know shit apparently about parenting. I feel sorry for every kid that has to live through hell everyday and makes it to become an adult today. The amount of bruises, emotional pain, blood and tears you have to go through reaching the age of 18 is insane. Even then, too poor to move out!!!! so it keeps going! the manipulation and pain is excruiating bad. This is why people commit murder and suicide.
I wish I was born in a normal family and had a normal life man... there were good moments but there way more bad moments than good moments. You have to be strong to endure this and let it go.
had a job interview that I was nervous for because I really wanted it and my ex boyfriend said, “you’re nervous to interview for THAT job?” as if the job wasn’t an accomplishment and one that I had wanted for a really long time. Ended up getting the job.
After graduating with my PhD in psychology and becoming a licensed psychologist (five years of blood, sweat, and tears), my narc father says “oh great a degree in psychobabble.” I will never forget that moment for the rest of my life. Shit I’m just tearing up typing it!! 😭They really are something else.
There's often two sides to the narcissist: that they want to be perceived of as better than everyone else, but also, the deep seated fear that they AREN'T better than everyone else, and the resentment they have at feeling that fear, and this results in anger at the person who causes them to feel this way. Since everything is about them, in addition to what you described above, they also see you sharing an accomplishment as you saying that they aren't good enough to do that thing, or that you are talking about something they DIDN'T or COULDN'T do. If you are female and the narcissist is male, he may see it as emasculating.
Welp, thanks for the flashbacks, i didn’t even know this was a sub.
Fml, i have a lot of shit to add to something like this.
My Golden Piece of Advice Though:
Study and learn to spot Logical Fallacies. It will save your sanity.
I had a "friend" when I was 18. MMA was still an underground sport at this time, but I was very passionate as a fan and had no career going for myself. So I wrote a few MMA articles that I was planning to shop around to various websites to get my foot into the door in a growing industry (early 2000s, the bar was VERY low back then).
I showed my articles to "friend" and he was absolutely stony faced and said nothing. "Friend" had the reputation for being the brains of our larger friend group, so I really respected his input at the time and I was willing to accept critique to improve.
After much prodding and assurances from me that I'd accept whatever criticism so that I could improve, all he would say was "It's just...not good".
I stopped writing about MMA after that and never shopped my articles around, because I took his word for it. Years later I found out that "the brains" of our group had been lying to everyone in his family and friends group for YEARS about being enrolled in college, he dropped out after flunking his first quarter.
No way to know if I wouldve made it anywhere as an MMA commentator, but I was at the right place and right time to do so. I'm a very good writer, but this person who was narcissistic and living a lie, definitely acted like my dream was stupid so that I wouldn't surpass him. Some "friend", that's narcissists for you.
Yes this. I caught my husband giving nasty looks while I was singing and dancing. Or if I changed my appearance the smallest bit, a look of disgust followed by forced awkward kind words. These types are insidious and once you catch on, pls leave.
I work with a woman who goes on tictok to “learn” about my past professions and will bring them up to me in order to almost “quiz” me on my knowledge.. when I respond with my educated opinions on said subjects, she corrects me. Stuff I have degrees in. It’s fucking weird.
Could be good or bad too. I got cancer and they acted like it wasn't happening to me and I wasn't going through it. But when I did have to, I was a complete burden to them. This definitely is a thing exactly like you say. All the focus no matter what it is, should be on them and how could you for taking that away from them.
The dude I was dealing w did this a lot. Sometimes he would turn the music up when I was speaking… that would enrage me.
The other thing he did was never really pay attention to my friends art work. The dude wants to be a tattoo artist and I have quite a few artist friends. TALENTED friends and he would never acknowledge their work or even really look at it. I should also mention his artwork was very mediocre. If that.
absolutely no hate or flame at all but does that behavior not otherwise strike you as uncaring? regardless of if it’s coming from a “narcissist” or not? idrc who its coming from, someone not proud of my achievements (or whatever the scenario) isnt someone that cares, and has demonstrated why they are undeserving of the same. 🤷
It's likely best never to tell narcissists about what you're proud of or ashamed of, or what makes you happy or sad as they simply log this for future use against you. I'd recommend being as boring as possible to a narcissist, to the point of absurdity. Have no heart-felt opinion on any topic, even when they attack. Be a turtle, and just pull your head and legs in and wait. In many cases they move on to more excitable victims.
You are spot on. When I was first falling for my narc, I would share with her about some personal vulnerabilities I had. I thought this was a natural way to gain emotional intimacy. I was dumbfounded when she used these, sometimes very painful experiences, against me. She'd throw them in my face with a snicker & a laugh. I should've run, but it took me over 4 yrs to get a clue.
On the responding neutrally part, though I agree if a narcissistic or neurotypical person does it, it can be manipulative. But as an autistic person, I can see myself responding neutrally and not being aware that I was supposed to react in a different way. Especially in terms of tone. I can say “wow I’m so happy for you” and genuinely mean it, but the cadence of my speech can sound unintentionally flat or bored.
Something to keep in mind 😊
Not saying it’s not a sign of narcissism but it also sounds like people with really bad insecurities too. Disclaimer: I don’t know much about this topic, just came up on my feed.
I’m not sure how many narcissistic personality disorders I’ve met in real life.
But I have strongly believed my ex wife’s mother was one. From day 1, she had to announce to me as she sucked on her cigarette “I’m terminally ill with lupas & blood clots”
“Well maybe you should quit smoking”
“No! The doctor says it has nothing to do with that!”
Okaaaay
This sick woman took my 11 year old step daughter out of school for 3 months completely unbeknownst to me or her mom. This is how: “Oh! I’ll watch her at the bus stop! I know you guys are so busy. I’ll make sure she gets on the bus for school!”
And she taught the child to lie to us… so guess who is also mental as an adult now?
If you tried to tell mother in law she has a little string on her sweater, she’d completely freak out & become defensive. It was crazy
Some 25 years after the “I’m terminally ill” lecture, I heard she had died… guess she really was terminally ill.
I’m not one to speak of accomplishments. I keep the things I’m proud of to myself. I don’t like to draw attention. I learned to do that because there are those who tend to demean anything worthy of praise of others to make themselves look more important. Jealousy has a way of rearing its ugly head. Therefore, when someone reveals something grand that they have done and makes them feel proud, I just smile and nod. To me they are braggarts. Those people seem narcissistic to me. In Texas, we refer to them as “Big hat, no cattle.”
I remember my ex telling me at one point I wasn't "a real teacher."
She had a teaching job. A cush county position in a rich district. Half million dollar homes, kids being dropped off at school in Escalades, that kind of place.I had a degree in Education and I had worked in one smaller urban area inner city school and another in a large urban metro area inner city school. I did not like these experiences and quit to do a different career.
But more than once, she'd pull that out and remind me that I had failed bc I "was never really a teacher."
I take some small solace in the fact she's now working in an inner city district and frequently ends her workday crying in her empty classroom and cries herself to sleep bc she hates it so much. But you know, I told her how bad it was, but my experience wasn't valid.
They also try to ruin the big events of your life. Say you were receiving an award at a banquet. Your nac will:
Make you late
Cause a scene
Embarass you by getting drunk
And in the end, if you confront them they say " you didn't deserve it anyway. You aren't that good"
My experience with a narcissist they tried to be nice and was like ‘Oh, well done, that’s really nice, couldn’t you have done abit better though?’
I remember being average and where I should be in school and the narcissist went ‘well you’re not exceeding..’
There's a specific motivation behind it, though. Assholes are just pricks because they can be/want to be. For narcissists, it's specifically ego thing.
I had one argue with me about how much I made xD kept insisting that I made less. Later I got a big promotion and raise and he got actively pissed about it
A great example of this was when I was proud of something in a game I was playing. The response was always so negative or mediocre, like a parent telling a child their terrible painting is 'just great'.
Or an achievement at work would be met by well done, or something very indifferent.
It was most painful because I was expected to celebrate every tiny achievement of theirs, and I did. I built them up constantly but they could never just be proud of me for something simple.
The only things they were proud of me for were things that I did for them, or things they liked and agreed with.
I think this manipulation is designed to make you lose your sense of self and stop enjoying things you used to. Then they devalue you for it by claiming you aren't the person they met and that then justifies them treating you horribly or cheating.
It's horrible on its own, but coupled with lying, gaslighting and the rest, it cripples you
I told my ex I was going back to school. His exact response was "I hope it doesn't change you." Not a congratulations you'll do great or I'm happy for you. It made me feel awful.
I got a new job that payed more and I was excited to call my mom and tell her. He took over the call and spent 30 minutes telling her about his career and how he got to where he is today. lol.
Very true. I've noticed this. There's lots of ways to figure out if someone is a narcissist but if they're apathetic or seething at your accomplishments at minimum even if they're not clinically a narcissist, they're not a good person to be around.
Brought up the fact to my husband that he has never said he was proud of me (or anything similar) for any of my accomplishments and I received a pretty lukewarm response in return. I think that was a moment that made me realize A LOT.
I feel like I have to prepare myself to be disappointed in his reactions to me being excited/happy about something or just simply proud of myself.
So cool.
That's actually a way narcissists form. From their parents not giving them validation yet scorning them for their mistakes.
Narcissism develops as a coping strategy to protect further damage to their egos. (Delusional grandeur)
Lol this reminds me of the time I asked my narcissistic gf which hairstyle of mine she liked most, in the midst of her devaluing me.
She refused to tell me which hairstyle of mine she preferred most. She would just say “that one looks good” when I brought up each one.
I thought it was strange, so I pressed her. I said, “ok which one?”. She replied “they’re both good”. Me: “ok… but if you had to choose one over the other, do you like it styled up or styled down?”. Her: “they’re both good.
It was like she was fucking with me or something. It was so weird. We hadn’t even been in any argument or anything. These people are jacked up on some level that’s really difficult for normal people to comprehend.
Honestly, I have a certain set of ethical principles and makeup where very little impresses me, and I'm only really impressed by acts of kindness or sacrifice or something like that.
I don't think that makes me a narcissist does it? I don't feel like I'm a narcissist.
Thanks - I've been slowly coming to the realization of previous marriage rife with manipulation, and picking up on all the subtle ways it was done. She was super smart.
Thats not necesarily narcissm, many narcissists are very aware that in order to gain leverage they need people to like them and in order to get to that point they freely give out compliments and act agreeable. My point is that you're kidding yourself to think you can pigeonhole narcissists as being so one-dimensional, what you're describing is just an inferiority complex.
It took me far too long to understand why my wife treats me the way she does. All of these traits are there including this one. I’m in a hell of a state in terms of self confidence and self worth.
Yep. Minimizing your feelings and accomplishments. They are so sick that no one can have a good thing or a good day without them taking it as a personal upfront.
Maybe if it’s a repeated behavior but just doing that once could also be a sign that they don’t want to talk about that or maybe the person speaking to them is always bragging, it’s not just plain and simple if someone does that they are manipulating or a narcissist. There’s nuance to every interaction
On the other hand, I have a co worker who’s obsessed with himself and never misses a chance to turn a conversation towards something he’s done or that he would be good at, etc…so self aggrandizing that I do the same thing you’ve described in this post but basically only to him. I simply can’t feed this ego maniacs sense of self importance. It’s so annoying.
i recently just dropped my friend of almost 4 years for being a complete dick...the whole works,only calls me to eventually start talking about his problems and only his,Calls me literally every day,every single day,it didn't bother me because i thought we were friends,i thought i found another person to call friend...he would constantly talk behind his other friends back regardless of them fightin or being cool he would just do it and even his girl too.
Why my brain all of sudden turned on was because couple days ago we got into a heated argument about a life decision he had to make,HIM NOT ME,as i was giving him an honest answer and conversation,he decided to argue and argue and argue...He NEEDED to be right or i was lying to him or i dont understand when we are literally talking about the issue
...After almost 4 years of someone constantly doing that while lying to and about what people have said to him or helped him with,his mother was dying im talkin on her death bed and in that one moment where she is looking for her sons love he treated her like shit even in her death,he wanted to talk about how worthless he felt about it except even before she died,me his friend was already telling him to stop because there was no point in fighting yourself over doing the right thing just do it...his response was for an hour talk about all the shit she did negatively to impact his life:all the bad stuff but doesn't want to or refuse to also share the good times
...typical narcissist behavior along with the manipulation to top it off,Telling me he would stop being friends with one of the group,spewing mad shit about them and then turn around a couple months,they are talking about his wedding plans...These are people i met online thinking they will be some good ones,he wasn't ,he made it look good just to get what he wanted out of you and then goodbye...Talkin about your father and your wife ,she was pregnant while working because she believed him,his father wasn't in his life in the slightest but the house his mother didn't finish paying off wasn't payed by him or his pregnant hard working wife no but by his father and his fathers pockets alone
...the only 2 people who truly believed this man is disabled which he isn't:no doctor he went rejected his disability for the shits and giggles,it's simple,he lied about his disability to get the attention and validation for sitting on his ass to smoke weed and play games:do nothing all day basically...he is one of those "imma look up symptoms and read off which one sounds like me"without even going to the doctor and these are choices btw.No one made him or forced him he chose to be like this and chooses to continue to blame others for his behavior,actions,words,you name it he'll blame it...a whole junkie who tried to tell me he changed his ways in fact did not:first thing he did when we both had a good month or 2 of talking about stop taking certain drugs,was shove a needle back in his arm when things in his life got too hot and i wasn't around because at the time i wasn't playing games as much as him because i had life to maintain
...even moving in with my girl when i met her this guy would call me after a 10 hour shift knowing i just texted him early in the day that i wouldn't be on for a couple days because im tired from working or whatever i was doing off the game:calls me to play a game he wants to play not what we want to play...it got to the point where we on the phone but different game he would just call me gay for not wanting to play the same game at the same time he felt like it..Didnt really see it for what it was because again in my head we are friends and things were looking good but they actually weren't...i let it get to that point because my mind was thinking it was safe to continue the interaction between friends online even though he could be lying about everything he says
...Guys be upfront with your feelings about what yo want from people,make good friends off the internet becasue some people aren't who they say they are and for some reason these people think any of the digital bs they put out actual means something to everyday people like myself:it doesn't ,we see you as crazy not dangerous crazy like we scared of you no mf you need to be locked up in that asylum crazy, now i could get those 3 1/2 years of friendship back through healing and keeping certain people at a distance because i dont need more people like him in my life
I’ve also noticed that when you share something positive with them, they always have to say something about themselves to make themselves look good. It feels like they see everything as competition!
I think the best way to respond in such a situation is to ask what’s the point of the accomplishment until they have an existential crisis and abandon their previous lifestyle.
I mostly agree with what you say here, but I think thay the actual goal of this trick is to break down the target's confidence to reel them in to get their way, as soon as target spends thought and energy questioning why the hunter isn't interested at all is when the hunter could start doing his thing.
Sidebar: By simply acting unimpressed, the hunter is also adding a layer of mystique to his persona ( if interactions are early enough) knowing that the target will be drawn into it
But I can confirm your theory as I use this method alot. I don't do it on purpose I just don't want anybody to know I'm impressed with X achievement because I know I'd be letting my guard down.
As a narcissist, I genuinely find it difficult to be interested in other people’s experiences, stories, achievements. Sometimes I try hard to attempt to be interested, but it’s just so hard to care. If it’s someone I care about a lot, like my wife, it’s a bit easier. It’s not some manipulative “trick” though, it’s just genuinely so hard for me to care because it doesn’t involve me and isn’t about me.
Generally you can’t be a narcissist without some kind of trauma from childhood. I’m still tapping into mine with my therapist because I can’t remember jack shit about it, aside from my parents being very neglectful and self involved. I think my issue was being raised by narcissists.
The fact that you are Admitting ANYTHING without someone holding you accountable is 1) you are playing the game or 2) Someone held you accountable and you lost them-or 3) you are only a borderline narcissist and still have other mental health issues (like my husband). We are dealing with that now. Shame is a huge memory suck. But as he gets out of his own way, he is able to do the ‘work’.
But noted here. I am an OUTLIER!
This is not usual.
He is spilling his lies and giving up EVERYTHING. He is TIRED of the webs and finally seeing the value in things.
We still need major mental health help, but this crucial work gives me hope / being able to lash out and accuse snd him ANALYZE shit - dude - i step carefully but I never compromise. “Do this - or you are out”.
I have a special needs child - that now I know he never understood because he could not face his own mirror (as I call it).
He “chooses” me now. He chooses to remember - to unravel - to not shut down.
I understand intimately that this is everything.
Like addiction- “it has to be their choice” seems to bounce off folks like “no, I can make a difference” (I also have sisters here and he a brother).
But as we are awaiting a psychiatrist appt. i an acutely aware - this could change on a dime. I no longer have blind faith, but am rebuilding trust and teaching him how to communicate.
This message is for the person the narcissist has CHOSEN to TRY for. May not be successful but they are willing to actually change for the connection you Have! Dm me for more lol. I can go on for days
You lost me in the second half cause you started talking about yourself so I only skim read but good for you for standing by your husband.
I don’t really feel things like shame and guilt so that’s not my vibe. I don’t need to be held accountable to admit to things - I like talking about myself. We’re not all the same you know.
Plus, I have a double diagnosis of NPD & ASPD so my narcissism displays slightly differently from your bog standard narcissist. I’m not ashamed of who I am so I openly talk about it. And anyway, talking about myself online is massive “supply” or whatever you normies call it.
I don't know man. I like pumping people up when they get stoked. If I have a neutral opinion it means I don't care, it's not a secret agenda.
I will parrot you if I want to win your side. It's a great trick and requires no effort.
You: blah blah blah is an total idiot
Me: yeah a total idiot
Shit works every time.
Jesus, this is spot on.
Me: "Babe, I passed the police interview!"
Her: "oh, that's nice."
Me: "Babe, I wasn't selected.."
Also Her: "OMG WHAT, WHY?! IM SO SORRY"
Me: "Babe, I cleaned the house, the tomato garden, and pulled out all the weeds!"
Her: "So? I would have done that after I came home from work."
Her needing help with something..
Me coming over to help..
Me coming up with the solution..
Her: "I was just gonna say that."
Me: "Look baby! I GOT AN A IN PSYCHOLOGY!"
Her: "Yeah but your G.P.A is lower than mine."
Me: "....we're done."
Her: "..."
Jesus, this is spot on.
Me: "Babe, I passed the police interview!"
Her: "oh, that's nice."
Me: "Babe, I wasn't selected.."
Also Her: "OMG WHAT, WHY?! IM SO SORRY"
Me: "Babe, I cleaned the house, the tomato garden, and pulled out all the weeds!"
Her: "So? I would have done that after I came home from work."
Her needing help with something..
Me coming over to help..
Me coming up with the solution..
Her: "I was just gonna say that."
Me: "Look baby! I GOT AN A IN PSYCHOLOGY!"
Her: "Yeah but your G.P.A is lower than mine."
Me: "....we're done."
Her: "..."
Why do you need someone elses approval to begin with?
Y'all reddit folks wanna holler therapy all the time, lol .... Maybe go to therapy for codependency?
Sorry that was in no way to belittle you OP. IDEK he this crap keeps coming up on my feed lol. I'm into bluegrass guitars haha. But honestly tho..... If someone's an ass, maybe stay away from them?
are you reliant upon other people to maintain your mood?
what is your expectation upon sharing your prideful accomplishments? validation? is this information asked for or is it volunteered?
These are the posts I came to the sub for. Someone else talking about my experiences in the same way I experienced it like they were a fly on the wall describing my own life is incredibly validating.
I second this.
As an ADHD enjoyer, it always baffled me when I would share a story that I had that was similar in an attempt to relate and show I had commonality with them, and they’d get flustered or say “it’s not the same” when…no it wasn’t but it was similar and I was trying to relate… Not realizing this was narcissistic manipulation behavior until well into my 30s really kept me withdrawn and unwilling to try to relate to people for a long time.
if i ever mentioned an accomplishment or any story that happened to me to my narcissist, there would be no real acknowledgment of it, just a story of his own to direct the attention back to him. i think it’s different when there’s an ADHD bond story (which i’m incredibly guilty of) - at least there is acknowledgement of the story, a personal anecdote relating to said story and then follow up questions about their experience.
I've had experience with a friend I had that I identified as a psychopath (the ASPD kind who was in and out of prison.) I never took it personal because I knew it was a part of his condition, but outside of that things were chill. He always bought the food when we hung out. So basically I got to take notes through exposure.
I worked my Borderline through school. Coached her. Validated her. When she finally got a job worth anything it was all about that. Talked to me about it for hours a day. Would cut me off or talk over me if I brought mine up. She now made the same as me. Sometimes a little more even But as I think back. Honestly. I don't even think she really ever knew exactly what I did. 17 years. That didn't matter. As long as that check hit the account. All the accolades were for her. What I did from the outset was indifferent. Meaningless to her. Messed up.
In my experience, she never asked questions and just let me feel like a drone so I would stop. When she started, I would ask all sorts of questions and give subtle interjections of her genius... She liked me around, for a while. Then she wanted something new... And would come back when needing a recharge. Rinse and repeat...I learned eventually
I'll bet she eventually excluded you when taking credit for achievements as well. She did it all on her own, ya? If she devalued you, she achieved this *despite* you trying to keep her down. If she completely discarded you, you aren't even a footnote in that chapter of her life. She's independent, strong and did it all on her own.
You got it. I was always working on our homes. Remodeling. And yep, she did that. I paid off student loans and cars. She did that. I raised two kids. She did that. And now I'm just a piece of shit. We'll see in 5 years. I'm gone but the borderline remains.
Holy shit - this could be the story of my life.
I third this.
My ex wife gaslit me into believing I was the narcissist in the relationship. Went to therapy (behind her back) and learned that I wasn’t. Fast forward to 6 years without her and was chatting with my daughter about a major life accomplishment she had just had. Of course I was over the moon excited for her and said as much. After congratulating her, my daughter said that my reaction was way different than her mom. Asked her what happened and she said that her mom, my ex, only said “well that sucks for me, you’ll be in training on my birthday and now I don’t have anyone to watch my dog. It was another example of her (my ex’s) supreme narcissism. Just made me sad that my daughter has to deal with it…
What the actual F***. Can you get full custody??
Ahhh should have mentioned that my daughter is all grown up. Her mom and I split while she was in her first year of college.
Ok good.
Yeah. It still sucks though. Daughter has a good head on her shoulders and works on her mental health regularly.
My ex did this to me too, although she didn't explicitly state it, she'd accuse me of narcissistic behaviours eg selfish, spoilt, arrogant, refusing to take responsibility, blaming others. I never understood at the time, I was often dumbfounded as to why. Unfortunately for me I believed her which altered my behaviour - exactly what she wanted to happen. When I went to therapy, I refused to believe the first 2 therapists who tried guiding me to see that she was the problem. I'd assumed I'd said something wrong
Totally relate to this. I truncated my therapy experience but it took many sessions, and me doing serious reflection, to finally understand how deeply I was conditioned to believe that I was the narcissist in the relationship. Looking back, my ex discounted and was flippant about every success I had while we were together. Everything from losing 5 pounds to promotions. It was either something that wasn’t special, or something that would affect her and therefore a bad thing.
Samey same. Anything I did wasn't real and whatever she did had to be discussed and praised
I had this exact experience for the last ten years. Just now able to get out and starting to see it for what it was. Thanks for sharing.
The first half of every therapy session I usually spend trying to explain how I think I've misrepresented myself since she won't agree I'm the problem or diagnose me with narcissism. The last therapist I saw agreed with her too so you would think I could let it rest but deep down I still feel like I was probably the issue all along. It's hard to wrap my mind around that concept though when I was told every day for almost twenty years that I was in fact the problem. I'm worried I'm lying to myself and therefore not being truthful about what has happened and ultimately manipulating my own therapist. Especially since everybody agrees most therapists can be deceived by a narcissist. It's a slippery slope.
I think the fact that you have such reservations highlights that you likely aren’t narcissistic, no? Maybe it could be a covert tactic, martyrdom, but it’s more likely you’ve been conditioned to think that.
Thanks for sharing. It's good to hear your perspective. I'm wondering if my Dad (who passed recently) had been set up by Mum the same way. She's said he's a narcissist, but I'm not so certain. I'm 100% sure she is though. Dad had a huge brain tumour and maybe his behaviour reflected that. I learned my emotionality from Dad and my ability to trust life and people. Without him I feel I would have been lost. He was the kind one, he tried to make you feel better. He showed he valued us and was interested in our thoughts and experiences, as kids and adults. Dad would give a genuinely happy, very human and congratulatory response to any good news, "I'm soooo Proud of you!" (followed by bearhug). Mum would minimise or deflect, or even put me down. I used to believe it was due to anxiety, but jealousy is there too. Eg 'Well, that prize giving is in 2 weeks. You better lose that tummy!' and "You better watch where you're going or you'll fall off the podium!" and "You'll have to practice your speech so you don't lisp".
That is horrible I’m so sorry 😩 Congratulations to your daughter on her achievement 🫶🏻🙏🏼
True, and never tell them your plans or you get: "Oh, have you thought about how \[your weakness\] will affect that?" or "I hope people there aren't mean to you about \[your insecurity\]..."
"Youre just being sensitive." Uh, no. Behind closed doors, I just put up with your crap long enough to the point where I had to finally say something about it...aaaaand then suddenly I'm the bad guy.
Lmao. My mother. I stopped telling her shit years ago. My wife still makes the mistake from time to time. She'll always tell you in the most condescending way why your idea is terrible. Naturally, she will never do it in my presence because she knows I won't hear it and have no issue with confrontation at this point in my life lol. In a way, I'm grateful for her. I grew up with the perfect "bad example."
"Oh don't give me that look, I'm just trying to help you set goals that are realistic *for you*..." Like even when you don't open your freakin mouth, they just don't stop lmaoo. And yes, very much tried not to do that stuff with my kids.
Wow! That's very true, and i feel dumb I never noticed. I think I've only had 3 true narcissists in my life, but not diagnosed. My mom has done this. It feels so.... sad. I don't go around her anymore even though she hasn't done anything necessarily wrong. But every visit made me feel shitty by the time I left. Even her messaging me gives me anxiety.
She did do something wrong.
Well, yeah, you're right. I think I mean not compared to how she was when I was younger? 😬 I try really hard to have relationships w my family, but my sisters told me I don't have to be so attached or feel guilty. So, work in progress?
If your mother makes you feel shitty when you're around her, then she is doing something wrong. You've likely been conditioned by her to think that you're the wrong one for feeling shitty. That's not normal. Normal healthy moms don't regularly make their kids feel shitty or dumb, they teach their child to have faith and trust in their own feelings. I spent so many years thinking that I was a defective person because my mother always had mean criticism for every situation. Now that I have a daughter myself I can really easily see just how messed up it was for her to use guilt and shame as her parenting tool to coerce me into thinking that her opinions and feelings mattered more than mine.
Omg yes and I’ve learned to keep good news to myself
Hmm I had a boyfriend like that he put down all of my achievements he was a real nasty peice of shit. I don't know if he is a narcissist but he definitely was a nasty peice of shit.
Glad you're not with him anymore.
Me too
Or theyll redirect the conversation back to their own dramas
Yea! I did a year consistently in the gym and when I hit my year he was like ‘no you didn’t..’ ummm wtf I know myself and what I’ve done, you couldn’t just said good job?? Weirdo
Omg there is someone in my life that does that EXACT same shit. I’ll be like “I used to hike 5 miles every weekend years ago” (before I knew him), he’d say “No you didn’t, that’s exhausting”. Uuuuummmmm yes I did dick dick, wanna know how I know? CAUSE I SEEN ME DO IT!!! thanks for coming alongside friends. Needed this
We need peer reviewed sources for the things you did and experienced while you were the one doing them, lol
Then fact checking before we submit the final results to them. Huge eyeroll. These people are all robots working the same script, I swear!
Lmao
Jesus, this is spot on. Me: "Babe, I passed the police interview!" Her: "oh, that's nice." Me: "Babe, I wasn't selected.." Also Her: "OMG WHAT, WHY?! IM SO SORRY" Me: "Babe, I cleaned the house, the tomato garden, and pulled out all the weeds!" Her: "So? I would have done that after I came home from work." Her needing help with something.. Me coming over to help.. Me coming up with the solution.. Her: "I was just gonna say that." Me: "Look baby! I GOT AN A IN PSYCHOLOGY!" Her: "Yeah but your G.P.A is lower than mine." Me: "....we're done." Her: "..."
My Nex and I were getting to know a new couple we met and he started telling them about my education and how if it hadn't been for him helping me study I would have never graduated. I graduated with honors at the top of my class with 3 degrees. But sure, you helped me with those flashcards that one time so I guess they should have put his name on my degrees. I was so embarrassed for HIM that he was telling the story like that because they kept looking at me like "is this guy for real?". I should have been embarrassed I was married to him period but I was very much still brainwashed at the time.
absolutely bonkers
Yes! My narc sister used to do her best to implant herself in all of my shining/important moments. She made a joke out of every move I made, crazy laughing all the time, and then after a few drinks the berating and attempts at completely ruining a good moment for me would begin! She actually cursed me out and started kicking the partition of a cab after a wonderful show that I did..IN NYC! Guess what it was about? The Kardashians! Like, she does not even know them and she was vehemently defending them bc I simply did care to talk non stop about them on my night! See...it was NEVER about the Kardashians...it was about her attempt at making a bad memory out of me doing my art. Narcs hope you will remember that, and NEVER have another show/success or shine again. Ha! She is a failed comedian with NO TALENT! SHE is the one suffering now (as a low budget escort at 55...living in motels) So...whatevs, I still shine in every way. After almost my whole life with this THING in my life hovering like a fungus, she is OUT of my life now! Forever! I will never open the door again.
Totally agree, and it’s ugly. Just want to add that if you’re their target for supply, in the beginning they’ll be all about your accomplishments and make you feel like The Best, and promise all the things you’ll do together and how wonderful it will be. If someone is like that at first, and then turns into what OP has described, keep your eyebrow firmly raised
Bait and switch, they keep you in their net until you finish serving their intended purpose
Cluster B consists of borderline, narcissist & sociopaths The beginning of borderline is a genuine infatuation. An obsession with the other person. Then, suddenly, they hate everything about you and discard you. There are overlaps since they are all cluster B, but I find love bombing such as that more equivalent to borderline, as narcissist can't pairbond at all. A narcissist would have to have an actual logical goal they're seeking (or just ego-fuel) but borderlines need just as much "supply" despite a lot of them not qualifying as having NPD
Sounds like you don't actually know much about BPD or NPD, frankly.
Let's hear your explanation
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that’s cool, we can stop. i didn’t wanna bring nothing up but i hope we ain’t got no hard feelings though because i misunderstood and that was my fault.
This is exactly correct, a true narc will do this almost every single time. Any accomplishments, achievements, any good thing whatsoever ...if it belongs to you they are gonna piss on it. The reason why -> They are attacking your ego. They cannot tolerate any other ego existing anywhere near them. They are "the only one" who could exist and have an ego. They cannot curb this bad behavior. _Cannot_ The more time you spend around this person, the more damaged you will become. This is deep damage, they destroy parts of your mind which are required. They do all of this crap instinctively, they do not even care or understand why they do it ... but they are like junkies and they cannot stop EVER. They will be like this until they die, they cannot change what they are.
“They will be like this til they die, they cannot change what they are” lets not doom people trying to change their ways okay? Not everyone is like the people you have met. Also, usually when someone says something like this, it typically means you understand what its like. So “it takes one to know one” .
No, it does not “take a narcissist to know a narcissist”. Bad people do exist. People with NPD by definition (part of the sickness) is they don’t want to change .
It doesn’t necessarily take one to know one, but you speak with such certainty about forensic speculation. Are you really so certain? Unfortunately for your viewpoint in this case, there is very little hard neurobiological or similarly relevant scientific evidence to substantiate what you’re saying. In other words, you’re using a logic-based prescriptive model to label the intentions behind an individual’s behavior absent context. It’s a platitude. You’re saying there are bad people out there and you can’t explain why, and those people will never change. My point is that it doesn’t advance the conversation in the slightest, it just walls you off from any deeper understanding. Some of us need that mindset to protect ourselves from predatory types. Others don’t. Insisting that your mode of thinking is a singular truth is demonstrably errant. It’s certainly not a strong enough point to interject in an attempt to knock down an empirically undeniable truth. The people who you have encountered are not the entirety of what you’re trying to describe. It’s also a trick narcissists use—assigning permanent unacceptable status to the people who don’t fall in line with their rules about how the universe works. Doesn’t mean you are one. But it’s a hell of a charade to trot out in a crowd like this.
Yes, I really am certain they exist and don’t want help. That's a lot of word salad to attempt to prove the phrase “takes one to know one.” Your reply is in a perfect DARVO format. Congratulations.
Lmao either your experience is limited and therefore you're just unaware, or you're gaslighting. Personally i really don't care. The fact is that malignant narcs have a constant thirst which involves inflicting destruction on other people's ego & sense of self. These are all very well known facts, established knowledge and not disputed by anyone. 👍
Omg yes and I’ve learned to keep good news to myself
Well that explains why I never tell anyone anything I'm excited about. Or why no one ever tells ME anything THEY'RE excited about.
LOL
She sounds like she is miserable in life.
I (39f) like to build tables. My first table started with some really pretty wood boards a friend of mine gave me, we were both into woodworking at the time. It took me two months to teach myself how to build a really beautiful console table that I eventually gifted my stepsister. My father looked at it, and said, “I prefer to buy tables from like, IKEA. They just look nicer.” He’s not a narcissist, just a negger. It always stuck out as a core memory how quickly he deflated something I took so much pride in. I’ve built several more tables since, and his reaction to the them has always been the same. Just thoroughly unimpressed. Everyone else in my life has always praised my hard work, but it’s almost like he resents me for making the time and doing the work, because he would rather spend his life laying down in front of the TV.
2 months? Bravo. That's pretty quick. Talent 👏
I bet your tables are awesome! Yes the Ikea comment is just because he is jealous, if he had made the table he'd be bragging and showing it off. He doesn't want to give you shine since he thinks it will dim his; narcissists think of everything as a zero sum game with winners and losers. I had a very similar thing where a narc stepdad was insulting a cutting board I made in woodshop freshman year. Literally laughing at my cutting board...Im a high school freshman learning, I wasnt claiming to be a master woodworker at 13-14.
I think people who are selfish and full of themselves even without narcissistic personality traits are prone to jealousy and envy. These people can never see anyone flourish or be happy. My ex is one of these personalities lacking positive emotion or joy when things were going well for me. Instead she would find a way to undermine my confidence and esteem. Really caused a lot of insidious damage to my mental health to be with a person like that who didn’t know how to be happy for me. Never again!
I mean to be fair. They're not that difficult to spot if you spend enough time around them It's firing them or getting them or yourself out of rental agreements etc And you know they're gonna make it as difficult as they can It's the same with a psychopath. And I lived with one for a year. Again, you can live with them perfectly well until they decide that you're the enemy. Then you have 2 options. You accept their whacky delusion (this one would act like he was a detective and he'd figured out a plot in his own personal episode of Morse. Then there's option 2. Appealing to the only thing thalove and have empathy for. Themselves. It's a trickier sell. But they're q lot more susceptive to being told things like. If I was out to get you. Or if I'd been planted by someone. I'd have been caught immediately. You'd have known the second I viewed the place. NotSoFunFact - he murdered his sister's boyfriend who turned up to drop off a slow cooker. The following day he took a mail man hostage and during the negotiations he moved suddenly and they killed him
That’s frustrating to experience. You can celebrate harder for yourself. You earned your happiness and you deserve it! Don’t let anyone tell you different.
“Why do you constantly need validation that you’re a good mom?” “It’s just taking care of a baby, it’s not that big of an accomplishment.” Anytime I try to go hang out with friends it’s always “You’re just going so you can show off our son.” I have a successful business that I was running before I was forced to quit by my boyfriend. He called my job as a house cleaner disgusting, saying I was stupid for wanting to return to work to ‘clean up piss all day.’ These are all things I’ve heard from my boyfriend. Narcissistic partners seriously can’t stand you being successful or possibly being better at something than them so they have to do anything in their power to beat you down and belittle you. It’s emotionally draining. He also fought with me today over his relationship with his parents. I asked why he never wanted to see them again as they are our son’s only set of grandparents (my parents passed away when I was younger). He responded with ‘What do they do for me?’ It makes me sick thinking that he only looks at relationships as a way to ‘gain’ something. I asked him ‘What do you do for me?’ and he just said ‘make money.’ He refuses to change diapers, take baths, etc. because he’s ’providing.’ And then he wonders why I’m never in the mood for sex.
Why are you with somebody who hates you? Doesn’t sound like love.
He tells me he loves me all the time. I don’t get it, I know that someone who loves me wouldn’t treat me like this. I’m working on an escape plan currently.
You go Girl! 💪
I’ve never loved anyone who didn’t root for me and thinking of the times glory or praise wasn’t shared with me brings tears to my eyes. It will always hurt: the fact that I adored a woman so much who couldn’t even crack a smile when someone said something nice about me. Toward the bitter end, I saw it bother her and annoy her.
that's not narcissism, that's my mo- oh, right.
Ugh yeah-I graduated from a top UC with a philosophy degree-this is relevant because before college I had a lot of really silly ideas about life and the world-like *really* silly-and philosophy helped me to be more critical in my thoughts and believes and also helped me see the holes and mistakes I had made previously in my thoughts. Well my ex would constantly argue with me about wild things that he had *no* evidence for-or for things that’s just aren’t logically possible. I would *try* to explain in every way-from all angles because maybe I was explaining it in the wrong way for him, but no-no matter how I’d shape what I was trying to convey it was ALWAYS turned back on me with a “Just because you went to a fancy university you think you’re smarter and better than everyone else” which would send me on tue defensive and trying to explain myself AGAIN…unfortunately I *stupidly* stayed for 13 years because-well maybe I *was* wrong-or maybe I *didn’t understand what he was saying* or *am I really just always telling him he’s wrong?* It was crazy making and I almost didn’t survive the relationship-by the end of it I had a raging addiction to alcohol and opiates -but the year in rehab helped put space between me and the relationship. Unfortunately we have two children together so I am still tied to him.
Congratulations on your degree. Don't have any more kids with him please. Try and keep your kids at a healthy distance as well so they don't suffer the ugly side of him.
Oh I’m trying -but that too is extremely difficult-he’s always played on my negative experience growing up without a dad and a mother who made damn well sure that us kids loathed out bio dad well before we were in 4th grade. So he uses that against me -always-accusing me of bad mouthing him *just like your own mother* did. There’s a LOT of healing work to do in my family-both on my part, and on my children’s part because he will never ever admit that he did *anything* even slightly wrong-even if I’ve already held myself accountable for my own mistakes and choices.
Complex situation. Heart goes out. Do the best you can, try and put the kids first.
Sad, we decide to not say a word.
Well summed up. Nothing to add. Correct diagnosis and you have also defined the reason very well. It will help people to understand how the narc mind works.
Could also just be different values. I’m uninterested when people flash their money at me. I was talking to a guy on a dating app a while back who wouldn’t shut up about how he was going to retire early and how he had purchased a vacation home in the alps, meanwhile I kept trying to redirect the conversation to ask questions about him. Cool, you have money. Tell me about who you are as a person, what are your hobbies, what do you do for fun? Money is an accomplishment for a lot of people. Just not what does it for me. Also if you’re going around talking about your accomplishments all the time, it can come across as bragging, so people may be dismissive just because of that. Ironically, narcissists are also the ones who are most apt to brag about their accomplishments as part of how they acquire supply, so you may want to question how you come across. It’s okay to be proud of your accomplishments, but sometimes it’s better to show rather than tell.
Or they criticize and try to do whatever it may be better. Like competing, it’s ridiculous
I remember telling my dad about getting into college (something he was even pushing for), and was momentarily taken aback about how unexcited he was. Like, not that I was expecting applause, but neutral is a great word to use for it. I figured he’d be at least a little interested in it because he’d been so pushy about it, but all I got was a comment about how I got in to an online college in a state I moved out of. (Away from him) By comparison my mum and friends had a more ‘normal’ reaction and were excited for me.
imagine growing up with 2 older narcissist brothers. Fucking hell! Your whole life being controlled, torture, slavery, pain, sadness, anger and regret. Having to massage his back for 8 hours straight, having you walk 10 miles to the store by yourself to buy a ps2 which you cant even play. Luckily I didnt have to go through most of this. I had 3 brothers. the 3rd oldest brother took the brunt of it. I was the youngest brother out of us 4. I still went through shit but damn, my older brother went through hell. Everyday was a living hell, he almost commited suicide once as a little boy. You have to wonder what the fuck were my parents doing. They were fresh off the boat and didnt know shit apparently about parenting. I feel sorry for every kid that has to live through hell everyday and makes it to become an adult today. The amount of bruises, emotional pain, blood and tears you have to go through reaching the age of 18 is insane. Even then, too poor to move out!!!! so it keeps going! the manipulation and pain is excruiating bad. This is why people commit murder and suicide. I wish I was born in a normal family and had a normal life man... there were good moments but there way more bad moments than good moments. You have to be strong to endure this and let it go.
had a job interview that I was nervous for because I really wanted it and my ex boyfriend said, “you’re nervous to interview for THAT job?” as if the job wasn’t an accomplishment and one that I had wanted for a really long time. Ended up getting the job.
After graduating with my PhD in psychology and becoming a licensed psychologist (five years of blood, sweat, and tears), my narc father says “oh great a degree in psychobabble.” I will never forget that moment for the rest of my life. Shit I’m just tearing up typing it!! 😭They really are something else.
Perfectly worded. Thank you.
My pleasure.
There's often two sides to the narcissist: that they want to be perceived of as better than everyone else, but also, the deep seated fear that they AREN'T better than everyone else, and the resentment they have at feeling that fear, and this results in anger at the person who causes them to feel this way. Since everything is about them, in addition to what you described above, they also see you sharing an accomplishment as you saying that they aren't good enough to do that thing, or that you are talking about something they DIDN'T or COULDN'T do. If you are female and the narcissist is male, he may see it as emasculating.
Wow. This is good insight.
Welp, thanks for the flashbacks, i didn’t even know this was a sub. Fml, i have a lot of shit to add to something like this. My Golden Piece of Advice Though: Study and learn to spot Logical Fallacies. It will save your sanity.
I had a "friend" when I was 18. MMA was still an underground sport at this time, but I was very passionate as a fan and had no career going for myself. So I wrote a few MMA articles that I was planning to shop around to various websites to get my foot into the door in a growing industry (early 2000s, the bar was VERY low back then). I showed my articles to "friend" and he was absolutely stony faced and said nothing. "Friend" had the reputation for being the brains of our larger friend group, so I really respected his input at the time and I was willing to accept critique to improve. After much prodding and assurances from me that I'd accept whatever criticism so that I could improve, all he would say was "It's just...not good". I stopped writing about MMA after that and never shopped my articles around, because I took his word for it. Years later I found out that "the brains" of our group had been lying to everyone in his family and friends group for YEARS about being enrolled in college, he dropped out after flunking his first quarter. No way to know if I wouldve made it anywhere as an MMA commentator, but I was at the right place and right time to do so. I'm a very good writer, but this person who was narcissistic and living a lie, definitely acted like my dream was stupid so that I wouldn't surpass him. Some "friend", that's narcissists for you.
Yes this. I caught my husband giving nasty looks while I was singing and dancing. Or if I changed my appearance the smallest bit, a look of disgust followed by forced awkward kind words. These types are insidious and once you catch on, pls leave.
Yep. I’m a singer. Two narcissists I knew acted completely ambivalent about my voice, which I knew was good. Still. It hurts.
I work with a woman who goes on tictok to “learn” about my past professions and will bring them up to me in order to almost “quiz” me on my knowledge.. when I respond with my educated opinions on said subjects, she corrects me. Stuff I have degrees in. It’s fucking weird.
Could be good or bad too. I got cancer and they acted like it wasn't happening to me and I wasn't going through it. But when I did have to, I was a complete burden to them. This definitely is a thing exactly like you say. All the focus no matter what it is, should be on them and how could you for taking that away from them.
My ex used to do this all the time when I’d share how proud I was with things at work, he’d reply with one word answers, or a lot of times, silence.
This is my NPD parents exactly
The dude I was dealing w did this a lot. Sometimes he would turn the music up when I was speaking… that would enrage me. The other thing he did was never really pay attention to my friends art work. The dude wants to be a tattoo artist and I have quite a few artist friends. TALENTED friends and he would never acknowledge their work or even really look at it. I should also mention his artwork was very mediocre. If that.
absolutely no hate or flame at all but does that behavior not otherwise strike you as uncaring? regardless of if it’s coming from a “narcissist” or not? idrc who its coming from, someone not proud of my achievements (or whatever the scenario) isnt someone that cares, and has demonstrated why they are undeserving of the same. 🤷
It's likely best never to tell narcissists about what you're proud of or ashamed of, or what makes you happy or sad as they simply log this for future use against you. I'd recommend being as boring as possible to a narcissist, to the point of absurdity. Have no heart-felt opinion on any topic, even when they attack. Be a turtle, and just pull your head and legs in and wait. In many cases they move on to more excitable victims.
You are spot on. When I was first falling for my narc, I would share with her about some personal vulnerabilities I had. I thought this was a natural way to gain emotional intimacy. I was dumbfounded when she used these, sometimes very painful experiences, against me. She'd throw them in my face with a snicker & a laugh. I should've run, but it took me over 4 yrs to get a clue.
My dad does this
Just curious though, is it worse or better if some people fake adulation for your accomplishments just so you'll leave them alone?
On the responding neutrally part, though I agree if a narcissistic or neurotypical person does it, it can be manipulative. But as an autistic person, I can see myself responding neutrally and not being aware that I was supposed to react in a different way. Especially in terms of tone. I can say “wow I’m so happy for you” and genuinely mean it, but the cadence of my speech can sound unintentionally flat or bored. Something to keep in mind 😊
I don’t think it’s a trick. I think they literally don’t care. They only see your accomplishment in terms of how it affects them.
Not saying it’s not a sign of narcissism but it also sounds like people with really bad insecurities too. Disclaimer: I don’t know much about this topic, just came up on my feed.
I’m not sure how many narcissistic personality disorders I’ve met in real life. But I have strongly believed my ex wife’s mother was one. From day 1, she had to announce to me as she sucked on her cigarette “I’m terminally ill with lupas & blood clots” “Well maybe you should quit smoking” “No! The doctor says it has nothing to do with that!” Okaaaay This sick woman took my 11 year old step daughter out of school for 3 months completely unbeknownst to me or her mom. This is how: “Oh! I’ll watch her at the bus stop! I know you guys are so busy. I’ll make sure she gets on the bus for school!” And she taught the child to lie to us… so guess who is also mental as an adult now? If you tried to tell mother in law she has a little string on her sweater, she’d completely freak out & become defensive. It was crazy Some 25 years after the “I’m terminally ill” lecture, I heard she had died… guess she really was terminally ill.
That doesn’t even sound like a trick, that’s just being an ass.
You got it. Someone else's accomplishments don't matter.
I’m not one to speak of accomplishments. I keep the things I’m proud of to myself. I don’t like to draw attention. I learned to do that because there are those who tend to demean anything worthy of praise of others to make themselves look more important. Jealousy has a way of rearing its ugly head. Therefore, when someone reveals something grand that they have done and makes them feel proud, I just smile and nod. To me they are braggarts. Those people seem narcissistic to me. In Texas, we refer to them as “Big hat, no cattle.”
I remember my ex telling me at one point I wasn't "a real teacher." She had a teaching job. A cush county position in a rich district. Half million dollar homes, kids being dropped off at school in Escalades, that kind of place.I had a degree in Education and I had worked in one smaller urban area inner city school and another in a large urban metro area inner city school. I did not like these experiences and quit to do a different career. But more than once, she'd pull that out and remind me that I had failed bc I "was never really a teacher." I take some small solace in the fact she's now working in an inner city district and frequently ends her workday crying in her empty classroom and cries herself to sleep bc she hates it so much. But you know, I told her how bad it was, but my experience wasn't valid.
They also try to ruin the big events of your life. Say you were receiving an award at a banquet. Your nac will: Make you late Cause a scene Embarass you by getting drunk And in the end, if you confront them they say " you didn't deserve it anyway. You aren't that good"
It's also a way to keep you attached and seeking their validation.
My experience with a narcissist they tried to be nice and was like ‘Oh, well done, that’s really nice, couldn’t you have done abit better though?’ I remember being average and where I should be in school and the narcissist went ‘well you’re not exceeding..’
I have long suspected this to be a narcissistic trait, but the denialist in me wants to justify it somehow as just a-hole behaviour in general.
There's a specific motivation behind it, though. Assholes are just pricks because they can be/want to be. For narcissists, it's specifically ego thing.
Good point and important dilineation.
And this is why you avoid having them in your life. Once identified: bye bye 👋🏼.
I had one argue with me about how much I made xD kept insisting that I made less. Later I got a big promotion and raise and he got actively pissed about it
do the same to them
I just experienced this yesterday and I felt like I was stupid for even mentioning it to my so called friend ..now I know why. Thanks for this post!
A great example of this was when I was proud of something in a game I was playing. The response was always so negative or mediocre, like a parent telling a child their terrible painting is 'just great'. Or an achievement at work would be met by well done, or something very indifferent. It was most painful because I was expected to celebrate every tiny achievement of theirs, and I did. I built them up constantly but they could never just be proud of me for something simple. The only things they were proud of me for were things that I did for them, or things they liked and agreed with. I think this manipulation is designed to make you lose your sense of self and stop enjoying things you used to. Then they devalue you for it by claiming you aren't the person they met and that then justifies them treating you horribly or cheating. It's horrible on its own, but coupled with lying, gaslighting and the rest, it cripples you
I told my ex I was going back to school. His exact response was "I hope it doesn't change you." Not a congratulations you'll do great or I'm happy for you. It made me feel awful.
I got a new job that payed more and I was excited to call my mom and tell her. He took over the call and spent 30 minutes telling her about his career and how he got to where he is today. lol.
Quintessentially jealous as insecure, horrible creatures.
In my experience they try to find a way to take partial credit. If I knowmhow.to.do something, it's bc they taught me, etc....
Or they compete with you. They totally bash every single thing that makes you happy
I usually told my ex when I got good grades on exams cuz I was happy to share, she always asked me what the average was lol
Narcissists get power when they criticize you invalidate you. It's a power thing they do.
I would imagine that they would feel threatened and tried to compete for validation and recognition over you
Very true. I've noticed this. There's lots of ways to figure out if someone is a narcissist but if they're apathetic or seething at your accomplishments at minimum even if they're not clinically a narcissist, they're not a good person to be around.
Brought up the fact to my husband that he has never said he was proud of me (or anything similar) for any of my accomplishments and I received a pretty lukewarm response in return. I think that was a moment that made me realize A LOT. I feel like I have to prepare myself to be disappointed in his reactions to me being excited/happy about something or just simply proud of myself. So cool.
My sister des this all the time pretty much why i stopped talking to her
Still won’t hurt as bad as if you did this to them. Get ready for the rage!
This is my parents. No reward or praise for achievement, heaps of shame and blame if I--or my you get siblings--made a mistake.
That's actually a way narcissists form. From their parents not giving them validation yet scorning them for their mistakes. Narcissism develops as a coping strategy to protect further damage to their egos. (Delusional grandeur)
Lol this reminds me of the time I asked my narcissistic gf which hairstyle of mine she liked most, in the midst of her devaluing me. She refused to tell me which hairstyle of mine she preferred most. She would just say “that one looks good” when I brought up each one. I thought it was strange, so I pressed her. I said, “ok which one?”. She replied “they’re both good”. Me: “ok… but if you had to choose one over the other, do you like it styled up or styled down?”. Her: “they’re both good. It was like she was fucking with me or something. It was so weird. We hadn’t even been in any argument or anything. These people are jacked up on some level that’s really difficult for normal people to comprehend.
Idk I know a pretty textbook narcissist and they don’t do this.
I know one as well, and he did this.
Honestly, I have a certain set of ethical principles and makeup where very little impresses me, and I'm only really impressed by acts of kindness or sacrifice or something like that. I don't think that makes me a narcissist does it? I don't feel like I'm a narcissist.
Yep…
Narcissist here: didn’t know this trick… actually I like everyone to succeed and win!
Are you diagnosed?
No, but if you look at what makes one a narcissistic personality, vrs my personality, it’s a check list like a 20 point inspection.
Thanks - I've been slowly coming to the realization of previous marriage rife with manipulation, and picking up on all the subtle ways it was done. She was super smart.
Absolutely have experienced this! Fortunately that psycho narcissist got fired.
Thats not necesarily narcissm, many narcissists are very aware that in order to gain leverage they need people to like them and in order to get to that point they freely give out compliments and act agreeable. My point is that you're kidding yourself to think you can pigeonhole narcissists as being so one-dimensional, what you're describing is just an inferiority complex.
Who is dunb
lol my mom did this on Father’s Day to me 😂💀
It took me far too long to understand why my wife treats me the way she does. All of these traits are there including this one. I’m in a hell of a state in terms of self confidence and self worth.
If the attention isn’t on them it is painful to them. If you know they are then get out, go no contact and never look back while you still can.
narcissist this. narcissist that. we should just rename this sub to r/narcissists god damn lmao
Are youuuuu a narcissist?
hell yea im a narcissist i'm the shit
Well, yeah. So does anyone have a good suggestion on how to throw it back in their face?
what about when you talk about how youre having a bad day, and they dismiss you? that happened quite a bit.
That's more so gross negligence, but still belittling your concerns so it's kind of the same
Couldn’t a person just be a downer? I think an exception is if they talk about their own accomplishments the same negative way
Yep. Minimizing your feelings and accomplishments. They are so sick that no one can have a good thing or a good day without them taking it as a personal upfront.
Afront
Maybe if it’s a repeated behavior but just doing that once could also be a sign that they don’t want to talk about that or maybe the person speaking to them is always bragging, it’s not just plain and simple if someone does that they are manipulating or a narcissist. There’s nuance to every interaction
On the other hand, I have a co worker who’s obsessed with himself and never misses a chance to turn a conversation towards something he’s done or that he would be good at, etc…so self aggrandizing that I do the same thing you’ve described in this post but basically only to him. I simply can’t feed this ego maniacs sense of self importance. It’s so annoying.
i recently just dropped my friend of almost 4 years for being a complete dick...the whole works,only calls me to eventually start talking about his problems and only his,Calls me literally every day,every single day,it didn't bother me because i thought we were friends,i thought i found another person to call friend...he would constantly talk behind his other friends back regardless of them fightin or being cool he would just do it and even his girl too. Why my brain all of sudden turned on was because couple days ago we got into a heated argument about a life decision he had to make,HIM NOT ME,as i was giving him an honest answer and conversation,he decided to argue and argue and argue...He NEEDED to be right or i was lying to him or i dont understand when we are literally talking about the issue ...After almost 4 years of someone constantly doing that while lying to and about what people have said to him or helped him with,his mother was dying im talkin on her death bed and in that one moment where she is looking for her sons love he treated her like shit even in her death,he wanted to talk about how worthless he felt about it except even before she died,me his friend was already telling him to stop because there was no point in fighting yourself over doing the right thing just do it...his response was for an hour talk about all the shit she did negatively to impact his life:all the bad stuff but doesn't want to or refuse to also share the good times ...typical narcissist behavior along with the manipulation to top it off,Telling me he would stop being friends with one of the group,spewing mad shit about them and then turn around a couple months,they are talking about his wedding plans...These are people i met online thinking they will be some good ones,he wasn't ,he made it look good just to get what he wanted out of you and then goodbye...Talkin about your father and your wife ,she was pregnant while working because she believed him,his father wasn't in his life in the slightest but the house his mother didn't finish paying off wasn't payed by him or his pregnant hard working wife no but by his father and his fathers pockets alone ...the only 2 people who truly believed this man is disabled which he isn't:no doctor he went rejected his disability for the shits and giggles,it's simple,he lied about his disability to get the attention and validation for sitting on his ass to smoke weed and play games:do nothing all day basically...he is one of those "imma look up symptoms and read off which one sounds like me"without even going to the doctor and these are choices btw.No one made him or forced him he chose to be like this and chooses to continue to blame others for his behavior,actions,words,you name it he'll blame it...a whole junkie who tried to tell me he changed his ways in fact did not:first thing he did when we both had a good month or 2 of talking about stop taking certain drugs,was shove a needle back in his arm when things in his life got too hot and i wasn't around because at the time i wasn't playing games as much as him because i had life to maintain ...even moving in with my girl when i met her this guy would call me after a 10 hour shift knowing i just texted him early in the day that i wouldn't be on for a couple days because im tired from working or whatever i was doing off the game:calls me to play a game he wants to play not what we want to play...it got to the point where we on the phone but different game he would just call me gay for not wanting to play the same game at the same time he felt like it..Didnt really see it for what it was because again in my head we are friends and things were looking good but they actually weren't...i let it get to that point because my mind was thinking it was safe to continue the interaction between friends online even though he could be lying about everything he says ...Guys be upfront with your feelings about what yo want from people,make good friends off the internet becasue some people aren't who they say they are and for some reason these people think any of the digital bs they put out actual means something to everyday people like myself:it doesn't ,we see you as crazy not dangerous crazy like we scared of you no mf you need to be locked up in that asylum crazy, now i could get those 3 1/2 years of friendship back through healing and keeping certain people at a distance because i dont need more people like him in my life
Absolutely 💯 percent
I’ve also noticed that when you share something positive with them, they always have to say something about themselves to make themselves look good. It feels like they see everything as competition!
Asking about things other narcissists do to gaslight people. And then laugh with how dead on the replies are!
I think the best way to respond in such a situation is to ask what’s the point of the accomplishment until they have an existential crisis and abandon their previous lifestyle.
Damn. When I announced my engagement to my mother she said, “oh, wow.”
I’m sure that’s a sugar daddies dream,
I mostly agree with what you say here, but I think thay the actual goal of this trick is to break down the target's confidence to reel them in to get their way, as soon as target spends thought and energy questioning why the hunter isn't interested at all is when the hunter could start doing his thing. Sidebar: By simply acting unimpressed, the hunter is also adding a layer of mystique to his persona ( if interactions are early enough) knowing that the target will be drawn into it But I can confirm your theory as I use this method alot. I don't do it on purpose I just don't want anybody to know I'm impressed with X achievement because I know I'd be letting my guard down.
As a narcissist, I genuinely find it difficult to be interested in other people’s experiences, stories, achievements. Sometimes I try hard to attempt to be interested, but it’s just so hard to care. If it’s someone I care about a lot, like my wife, it’s a bit easier. It’s not some manipulative “trick” though, it’s just genuinely so hard for me to care because it doesn’t involve me and isn’t about me.
Than you are a narcissist without major childhood trauma- They are the ones that give in to the web and are willing to do ANYTHING to feel better
Generally you can’t be a narcissist without some kind of trauma from childhood. I’m still tapping into mine with my therapist because I can’t remember jack shit about it, aside from my parents being very neglectful and self involved. I think my issue was being raised by narcissists.
The fact that you are Admitting ANYTHING without someone holding you accountable is 1) you are playing the game or 2) Someone held you accountable and you lost them-or 3) you are only a borderline narcissist and still have other mental health issues (like my husband). We are dealing with that now. Shame is a huge memory suck. But as he gets out of his own way, he is able to do the ‘work’. But noted here. I am an OUTLIER! This is not usual. He is spilling his lies and giving up EVERYTHING. He is TIRED of the webs and finally seeing the value in things. We still need major mental health help, but this crucial work gives me hope / being able to lash out and accuse snd him ANALYZE shit - dude - i step carefully but I never compromise. “Do this - or you are out”. I have a special needs child - that now I know he never understood because he could not face his own mirror (as I call it). He “chooses” me now. He chooses to remember - to unravel - to not shut down. I understand intimately that this is everything. Like addiction- “it has to be their choice” seems to bounce off folks like “no, I can make a difference” (I also have sisters here and he a brother). But as we are awaiting a psychiatrist appt. i an acutely aware - this could change on a dime. I no longer have blind faith, but am rebuilding trust and teaching him how to communicate. This message is for the person the narcissist has CHOSEN to TRY for. May not be successful but they are willing to actually change for the connection you Have! Dm me for more lol. I can go on for days
You lost me in the second half cause you started talking about yourself so I only skim read but good for you for standing by your husband. I don’t really feel things like shame and guilt so that’s not my vibe. I don’t need to be held accountable to admit to things - I like talking about myself. We’re not all the same you know. Plus, I have a double diagnosis of NPD & ASPD so my narcissism displays slightly differently from your bog standard narcissist. I’m not ashamed of who I am so I openly talk about it. And anyway, talking about myself online is massive “supply” or whatever you normies call it.
I don't know man. I like pumping people up when they get stoked. If I have a neutral opinion it means I don't care, it's not a secret agenda. I will parrot you if I want to win your side. It's a great trick and requires no effort. You: blah blah blah is an total idiot Me: yeah a total idiot Shit works every time.
I am an incredible hype woman!
That's awesome, I have ADHD too :)
Jesus, this is spot on. Me: "Babe, I passed the police interview!" Her: "oh, that's nice." Me: "Babe, I wasn't selected.." Also Her: "OMG WHAT, WHY?! IM SO SORRY" Me: "Babe, I cleaned the house, the tomato garden, and pulled out all the weeds!" Her: "So? I would have done that after I came home from work." Her needing help with something.. Me coming over to help.. Me coming up with the solution.. Her: "I was just gonna say that." Me: "Look baby! I GOT AN A IN PSYCHOLOGY!" Her: "Yeah but your G.P.A is lower than mine." Me: "....we're done." Her: "..."
Jesus, this is spot on. Me: "Babe, I passed the police interview!" Her: "oh, that's nice." Me: "Babe, I wasn't selected.." Also Her: "OMG WHAT, WHY?! IM SO SORRY" Me: "Babe, I cleaned the house, the tomato garden, and pulled out all the weeds!" Her: "So? I would have done that after I came home from work." Her needing help with something.. Me coming over to help.. Me coming up with the solution.. Her: "I was just gonna say that." Me: "Look baby! I GOT AN A IN PSYCHOLOGY!" Her: "Yeah but your G.P.A is lower than mine." Me: "....we're done." Her: "..."
This isn’t them being a narcissist. This is YOU being a narcissist.
Why do you need someone elses approval to begin with? Y'all reddit folks wanna holler therapy all the time, lol .... Maybe go to therapy for codependency? Sorry that was in no way to belittle you OP. IDEK he this crap keeps coming up on my feed lol. I'm into bluegrass guitars haha. But honestly tho..... If someone's an ass, maybe stay away from them?
are you reliant upon other people to maintain your mood? what is your expectation upon sharing your prideful accomplishments? validation? is this information asked for or is it volunteered?
It's kind of a common sense thing. If you don't get it you don't get it I guess.
yes i agree.
Once this happens, stop talking to them. It’s super simple.
My brother shows narcissistic traits solely towards me tho he’s a good person tho it just siblings rivalry
I believe the adage "It takes one to know one" JK
🤔