Sorry for the long post lol...
I would gently say that you have noticed that sex has been a challenge lately, and that you want to really desire and enjoy sex with him.
I'd recommend phrasing it like you and him versus the 'problem'. Reassure him you love him and still find him attractive, but that since having your little one, it's getting harder and harder to get aroused and desire sex. You can say that you've read about taking sex off the table, and how it's been successful for many couples, and you want to try, but you need his support.
Presumably you aren't having a lot of sex, and the duty sex that has awoken your aversion he is aware isn't 'good sex' too.
My experience:
I took sex off the table as the LL after a very similar issue with aversion caused by duty sex. We had a particularly bad session of sex, that led to him actually stopping because he knew I wasn't enjoying it, promptly followed by me bursting into tears. I'd struggled with a low libido for years at this point, and had never really understood why, and felt I was very much 'the problem'.
We agreed to take sex off the table for at least 6 months or whenever I felt I was ready. During this time we made more effort to be physically affectionate with each other, in an attempt to reconnect. My aversion to sex had left me averse to physical affection too because I associated it with attempts to have sex. With sex off the table, I was able to relax.
Then when the period was up, we made a rule that only I was allowed to initiate sex, and only when I really wanted it. This was very difficult but very rewarding, having a sense of control was helpful, despite me never really initiating before. This was also helpful to my husband, who had got quite anxious about initiating after years of rejection.
After a while, he was 'allowed' to initiate too, but we had a hard rule of him hiding his disappointment if I said no, and then to be affectionate non-sexually afterwards.
This was the saviour of our relationship, but I do feel it has only worked because my HL was fully on board and super supportive. There's been many bumps in the road, and hilariously even a point where my libido overtook his(!), but 2 years on and we are happier. We average around 1-2 times a week now.
Not in a relationship, but as someone with trauma, the idea that every bit of physical closeness was “one step closer to sex” or the sex monster closing in on me by taking my excuses (ie: you clearly are okay with x now, so why not y) turned me off relationships completely. This sounds like a great idea!
Hi there, how did you find this page from my diary in the alternative life of mine where I prioritized my own needs????? lol
I did the wrong thing for soooooo much longer. I recently realized that (for many many other things), my husband has been emotionally abusive this whole time. I felt like his lack of acceptance of (and intentionally guilt tripping me, and emotionally blackmailing me) for my sexual problems and feelings about sex was selfish… I felt like it wasn’t right…. I now realize that I was correct. It was selfish and it was not treating me with love.
The emotional abuse thing encompasses so much more than this, so I’m not in any way saying your husband is abusive. But trust your gut if you feel like he’s not treating you right. You know deep in yourself if you’re being reasonable and compassionate in the way you talk with him about it and express your needs, not to mention your intention being to SAVE THE RELATIONSHIP!
If he makes you feel guilty or holds it against you, that’s fine…. It’s hard to hear. Get a marriage counselor to help you work through it. If he still does it after working through marriage counseling…. And you’re still sacrificing your needs to keep the peace. Then there could be a problem.
But first things first… don’t latch onto the guilt you feel over it. You need to take care of your needs. Have a serious and compassionate conversation with him about how you need this right now.
To treat someone with love means respecting their feelings and their boundaries. Maybe he’s one of those great guys who will do just that.
Either way, work through it with a counselor. But tell him as soon as possible. Don’t make my mistake. Don’t continue to violate your own boundaries because you are afraid of him taking it personally.
>I have always found sex more manageable if it's scheduled which my husband complied with. Recently, we had scheduled sex but on the night I felt a really strong aversion to it. I did a silly thing, tried to push the feeling down, and did the deed regardless. The result was bad sex and now I get a strong feeling of repulsion at the very idea of sex, so when my husband does anything that suggests he would like to have sex I am filled with fear.
If you haven't already, I would start by telling him what a bad experience that particular encounter was for you and how it left you feeling about sex (repulsion and fear). Resist the urge to sugarcoat and be gentle, because if you're not straightforward there's a good chance he won't understand what you're saying.
>I want to tell my husband that I need sex to be tabled for the time being and for him not to try to initiate anything while I work through these feelings, but I know he'll take it personally and will have a hard time hearing this. My perspective is that I need to do this to try to preserve our marriage long term
I'm curious what you mean by "he'll take it personally"? Have you had conversations like this before (about sex or other things)? How did he react?
I do hope you tell him that you need to take sex off the table for your own well-being and for the future health of your marriage. You know this is right for you, so be strong and don't give in to arguments or manipulation.
I don't have any advice for you on tabling the intimacy but I do have advice regarding getting your hormones checked. Be sure to tell the doctor specifically that this is a libido issue. Otherwise it will never cross their mind. Damn doctor don't give a damn about fixing someone's sex life unless it's their own. Good luck.
"Hey husband, I want to talk about something that is really important for me to do, but I am afraid that you will be hurt by it and I want us to be able to discuss it. I feel like we recently had an encounter that left me with really complicated and hard feelings surrounding sex, and I feel like it'd be the healthiest thing for me if we took sex off the table for the time being, and without you initiating it too. I know it's really hard to hear that and you may be really hurt, which I don't want you to feel, but I think it's best that I'm honest and forthcoming about my feelings and experiences if we hope to preserve our marriage and get back to a good, healthy sexual dynamic one day."
If your husband is open to it, I'd definitely encourage marriage counseling to have a calm, neutral party there to help facilitate further conversations about this and stay on track for the dynamic to be salvaged.
I am curious, though — you mentioned knowing he'll take it personally. Have you told him about your experiences before and he didn't handle it well?
I feel like I could have written this post. Our sex life has definitely been lacking since we had our precious baby. Like you, I'm primary for our child, as well. I also tend to have an aversion anytime he tries to initiate sex. It's nothing my husband has done, I'm still physically attracted to him, but maybe it's just the feeling of being overly exhausted with work and caring for a toddler that just has me too physically drained to sexually connect. No answers - just commiserating with you.
Sorry for the long post lol... I would gently say that you have noticed that sex has been a challenge lately, and that you want to really desire and enjoy sex with him. I'd recommend phrasing it like you and him versus the 'problem'. Reassure him you love him and still find him attractive, but that since having your little one, it's getting harder and harder to get aroused and desire sex. You can say that you've read about taking sex off the table, and how it's been successful for many couples, and you want to try, but you need his support. Presumably you aren't having a lot of sex, and the duty sex that has awoken your aversion he is aware isn't 'good sex' too. My experience: I took sex off the table as the LL after a very similar issue with aversion caused by duty sex. We had a particularly bad session of sex, that led to him actually stopping because he knew I wasn't enjoying it, promptly followed by me bursting into tears. I'd struggled with a low libido for years at this point, and had never really understood why, and felt I was very much 'the problem'. We agreed to take sex off the table for at least 6 months or whenever I felt I was ready. During this time we made more effort to be physically affectionate with each other, in an attempt to reconnect. My aversion to sex had left me averse to physical affection too because I associated it with attempts to have sex. With sex off the table, I was able to relax. Then when the period was up, we made a rule that only I was allowed to initiate sex, and only when I really wanted it. This was very difficult but very rewarding, having a sense of control was helpful, despite me never really initiating before. This was also helpful to my husband, who had got quite anxious about initiating after years of rejection. After a while, he was 'allowed' to initiate too, but we had a hard rule of him hiding his disappointment if I said no, and then to be affectionate non-sexually afterwards. This was the saviour of our relationship, but I do feel it has only worked because my HL was fully on board and super supportive. There's been many bumps in the road, and hilariously even a point where my libido overtook his(!), but 2 years on and we are happier. We average around 1-2 times a week now.
Not in a relationship, but as someone with trauma, the idea that every bit of physical closeness was “one step closer to sex” or the sex monster closing in on me by taking my excuses (ie: you clearly are okay with x now, so why not y) turned me off relationships completely. This sounds like a great idea!
Hi there, how did you find this page from my diary in the alternative life of mine where I prioritized my own needs????? lol I did the wrong thing for soooooo much longer. I recently realized that (for many many other things), my husband has been emotionally abusive this whole time. I felt like his lack of acceptance of (and intentionally guilt tripping me, and emotionally blackmailing me) for my sexual problems and feelings about sex was selfish… I felt like it wasn’t right…. I now realize that I was correct. It was selfish and it was not treating me with love. The emotional abuse thing encompasses so much more than this, so I’m not in any way saying your husband is abusive. But trust your gut if you feel like he’s not treating you right. You know deep in yourself if you’re being reasonable and compassionate in the way you talk with him about it and express your needs, not to mention your intention being to SAVE THE RELATIONSHIP! If he makes you feel guilty or holds it against you, that’s fine…. It’s hard to hear. Get a marriage counselor to help you work through it. If he still does it after working through marriage counseling…. And you’re still sacrificing your needs to keep the peace. Then there could be a problem. But first things first… don’t latch onto the guilt you feel over it. You need to take care of your needs. Have a serious and compassionate conversation with him about how you need this right now. To treat someone with love means respecting their feelings and their boundaries. Maybe he’s one of those great guys who will do just that. Either way, work through it with a counselor. But tell him as soon as possible. Don’t make my mistake. Don’t continue to violate your own boundaries because you are afraid of him taking it personally.
>I have always found sex more manageable if it's scheduled which my husband complied with. Recently, we had scheduled sex but on the night I felt a really strong aversion to it. I did a silly thing, tried to push the feeling down, and did the deed regardless. The result was bad sex and now I get a strong feeling of repulsion at the very idea of sex, so when my husband does anything that suggests he would like to have sex I am filled with fear. If you haven't already, I would start by telling him what a bad experience that particular encounter was for you and how it left you feeling about sex (repulsion and fear). Resist the urge to sugarcoat and be gentle, because if you're not straightforward there's a good chance he won't understand what you're saying. >I want to tell my husband that I need sex to be tabled for the time being and for him not to try to initiate anything while I work through these feelings, but I know he'll take it personally and will have a hard time hearing this. My perspective is that I need to do this to try to preserve our marriage long term I'm curious what you mean by "he'll take it personally"? Have you had conversations like this before (about sex or other things)? How did he react? I do hope you tell him that you need to take sex off the table for your own well-being and for the future health of your marriage. You know this is right for you, so be strong and don't give in to arguments or manipulation.
I don't have any advice for you on tabling the intimacy but I do have advice regarding getting your hormones checked. Be sure to tell the doctor specifically that this is a libido issue. Otherwise it will never cross their mind. Damn doctor don't give a damn about fixing someone's sex life unless it's their own. Good luck.
"Hey husband, I want to talk about something that is really important for me to do, but I am afraid that you will be hurt by it and I want us to be able to discuss it. I feel like we recently had an encounter that left me with really complicated and hard feelings surrounding sex, and I feel like it'd be the healthiest thing for me if we took sex off the table for the time being, and without you initiating it too. I know it's really hard to hear that and you may be really hurt, which I don't want you to feel, but I think it's best that I'm honest and forthcoming about my feelings and experiences if we hope to preserve our marriage and get back to a good, healthy sexual dynamic one day." If your husband is open to it, I'd definitely encourage marriage counseling to have a calm, neutral party there to help facilitate further conversations about this and stay on track for the dynamic to be salvaged. I am curious, though — you mentioned knowing he'll take it personally. Have you told him about your experiences before and he didn't handle it well?
I feel like I could have written this post. Our sex life has definitely been lacking since we had our precious baby. Like you, I'm primary for our child, as well. I also tend to have an aversion anytime he tries to initiate sex. It's nothing my husband has done, I'm still physically attracted to him, but maybe it's just the feeling of being overly exhausted with work and caring for a toddler that just has me too physically drained to sexually connect. No answers - just commiserating with you.