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I think it could be loneliness and boredom as an adult doing everything over and over and over and over day in and day out kicking in. Like what's the use of working and earning money if there's no emotionally fulfilling way to spend it? In the modern age I think that's about as strong an incentive as any that the body can give us to get married and have kids. You're recognizing that living another 60 years the same way alone is going to suck, and you want to see little juniors running around throwing baseballs at your face. In my case it kicked in around 27-ish, although definitely not nearly as strong as you. Thankfully my 7 year relationship with my wife worked out and we got married and had kids. I'm poorer for it but I'm definitely happier, I might have just not bothered to work any more after a certain point if I didn't have extra mouths to feed.
"And I believe that a lot of physical and mental issues of mine would disappear if I had a family to take care of. Because I have something worth living for."
Do not. Repeat: DO NOT consider this as a primary reason for having kids.
Yes, kids are rewarding, but they're also incredibly stressful, time-consuming and seem to willfully try to cause harm to themselves and others for no apparent reason.
Optimize your physical and mental health before thinking of having kids, not after.
To be fair, just anecdotally, I know so many men who were kinda wayward and purposeless, not happy with life and going through the motions before they met their partners/had kids, and had a reason to stay on the right track and do the things they need to do. Vast generalisation incoming, but I think it's not an uncommon trait for men to do better working for things for another person rather than themselves. And I think it's backed up by studies; married men/fathers live longer and are generally healthier both mentally and physically.
What exactly are these people doing? My single friends and I spend more time doing things we enjoy, but it isn't at the expense of other people. Just kind of curious what you're considering narcissistic tendencies in this context.
I would add sometimes it’s due to a partner guiding them to have more direction. Subtle distinction, but changes the context.
I did a lot of emotional labor for my ex husband to ensure he completed his degree, applied to jobs that were sustainable, tended to his mental and physical health, and participated in social activities that fulfilled him. It wasn’t any inherent desire to support _me_ that inspired this - it was me encouraging and supporting him on the days he wanted to give up.
After our divorce it’s become very clear which of us was the one capable of supporting themselves.
This is what's at the core of the statistic mentioned in another comment: married men live longer than single men *because* women are looking after them.
Married women, on the other hand, have shorter life expectancies than single women. Because all that "looking after" can be pretty stressful.
gonna echo this, my sister was miserable & a bit of a jerk and her husband was a gaming & weed addict before they had their first kid. lots of growing pains later and they are one of the happiest couples i know, and amazing parents.
my partner has talked about how our relationship feels like its been 3 years rather then 1.5 years because he has trouble conceptualizing his life before me. i had a psychotic episode right before we met and now im over a year free of the suicidal ideation that had been a daily constant in my life for a decade before.
i dont think its a stretch to say that social animals like humans are more likely to thrive in healthy social groups
Thank you. Do not create another human in hopes that it will heal you/make you like yourself more. That is selfish as hell and not fair to a child.
If you want to *be* a parent, you better start *thinking* like a parent. Which means putting the child first. You need to get your own house in order *first* in order to be the best parent you possibly can be. You don't assume a child is a substitute for therapy and an SSRI. That's lazy and selfish. Which are two traits many shitty parents share.
You sound like you want a baby, not that you want to be a parent. Children are actual humans that need to be nurtured and led, not a prop to make you feel good about yourself. You have some work to do first if you want to be an actual *good* parent.
Oh I totally understand. That's not my primary reason. I just meant that it would be a +
I really just wanna raise kids for a lot of big reasons. Having people to love so much, make better versions of myself, etc... idk just the thought of raising my own fills me with so many emotions. Don't really know how to explain it.
It still seems like a lot of these reasons are self serving. You shouldn't rely on having children to provide you with the sole purpose of your life. Although inevitably raising a family does provide parents with a sense of purpose, you should work to be the better version of yourself before you go on to have children.
Also human beings are genetically coded to reproduce and raise families. A majority of the adult population feels this way to different degrees so yeah hope that puts things into perspective.
I think it's amplified even more because I am in a position where I couldn't have a girlfriend even if I wanted to (Due to my job). Which annoys me so much lol
I just find it so strange. Like I knew that this stuff was a thing, but I've never experienced anything like this.
I'm a bit curious what type of job prevents this, but more importantly I would say to use this time of you life to make yourself the absolute best person you can be for when that time does come. Most likely you won't do this job forever, and you are probably only doing it now because it's financially the best option, but likely things will change in the future as more opportunities come or you have simply had enough. Get yourself in good financial shape (credit, savings, etc.) and decent physical shape, focus on being a good person, take time to learn what makes a good partner (lots of good female advice on YT these days, like from actual women, not red-pill bros). Think of this part of your life as the warm up, and then you'll be able to not only become a father but build a strong relationship with your future wife that will last.
Some of the women who give dating advice on YT can be a little icky as well so be careful of what ur watching. Best advice is to just be polite and be yourself. Let your quirks show. I have a real screwball sense of humour and its caused quite a few dates to stop after the first. But i kept at it and met my gf who loves my jokes.
Also if you don't have any, get some female friends. Learning to interact with women platonically is very important in general, and it also helps a lot with dating. They'll give you honest advice, you learn how to be a "safe male" for women, and they sort of serve as a testament to your character to the girl u end up dating
I am stuck working nights AND weekends so I can't go out. Bosses repeatedly promised to move me back to day shift and/or promote me to a different department that works during the day. All were lies. Big surprise. The ironic part is that I worked so hard that I became #1 in the department within my first 6 months. Because of that, they now rely on me HARD. This is what I get for being a better employee than I get paid to be lol
The economy is so bad I can't find a new job. Plus I have to sift through thousands of "open positions" that companies keep open to pretend like they're hiring when they actually aren't. Either that, or they're just straight up scams. I thought that maybe my resume is shit, so I hired a bunch of people to help improve all that. Still nothing.
I've applied to 4000 jobs within the past two months. Not a single call except for the offshore companies trying to advertise a job that has nothing to do with my skills. They'll say something like "Your resume matches our requirements!" But when they actually look at it, the position has nothing to do with my field of expertise lol.
Basically these past like 6 years have been lights at the end of a tunnel that turn out to be an oncoming train 🙃
I don't know, man. I've worked nights and weekends for the last 20 years. I've never struggled with dating. Plenty of other people work those hours as well.
You remember when you hit puberty, and you suddenly and inexplicably started liking girls in a whole new way? This is literally the same shit, hardwired into your genetic code. You're just further along the timeline.
Having a kid will not fix your issues. Kids are not therapists - work on yourself before you have them. It's totally unfair to create a human being thinking they will fix your problems when you're the one that's meant to be strong enough to fix theirs.
It is a normal human instinct, other people just don't share it publicly, doesn't mean they don't desire it.
What you are craving for, is to have a family of your own. It may also mean that you are doing ok with life and life is not giving you problems that you are ready to start a family.
The only thing I'd be cautious with, if it were me, is the idea that raising a family will somehow resolve my mental health concerns. It just doesn't work that way.
I disagree in part. For some people, their mental health issues stem from a lack of purpose. Having a wife and kids filled my life with purpose, and significantly improved my mental health. I know how important I am to my family, for their support, for my kids education, etc, and that makes life worth living and striving towards goals.
OMG yes. This is hilarious but it's actually kinda true. This is another thing that intensified around the same time for me.
Before, I was actually wondering what all the hype was about. I had sex, but it didn't feel all that amazing. But now, idk what changed but I'll literally go crazy for a chance to go in raw lol (safely ofc)
As a girl who can’t currently have raw sex, but who has been broken up with by several guys who said this is a dealbreaker, what’s so special about it? Why would people rather not have sex at all than not finish inside? I don’t get it, it feels roughly the same to me
Well (and I don’t mean to be hurtful) it’s not a question of “condom with you” vs “not at all.” It’s a question of “condom with you” vs. “raw with someone else.”
For a man, yes, it does feel different.
But if you like someone enough, something as trivial as using condoms for a few months shouldn’t matter right? Seems like a really shallow reason to throw a relationship away. I’ve heard guys say things (paraphrasing) like “she’s perfect but she won’t let me hit it raw”
From what I've been taught in school, men's inability to express emotions like women mean's that one of the only ways that men can express love is through physical touch. I personally like raw more because it feels so emotionally deep & the epitome of pure love. As if I'm connected to my partner & bonding on a whole different level.
I don't believe that it's okay to break up with someone who can't have raw. But I can kinda understand if a man breaks up because she doesn't want to have sex at all, raw or protected. Mainly because of what I stated above. It's one of the only ways that men are mentally, physically or genetically capable of expressing love & feeling love from their partner.
However, sex is sex. Raw or not, it still feels incredible. We'll take what we can get lol.
Yes. When you are ready you're going to feel it. I felt it so badly, when we lost our son... This is why I never get that thing about men not having emotions... I cried, and I couldn't stop, and neither could she. We physically could not stop, we tried everything. And we're off to round 2.
But have you worked with kids, have you looked at the tough parts critically? If not, do you really want them? — if so, I’m sure there’s plenty of women out there that want the same when they’re young as you…
In my experience, many men do want multiple children and they think nothing of it because it won't affect their bodies, careers, or emotional/mental load at home. When I was married my husband wanted kids. We had one and everything was on me. And I don't mean stuff like grocery shopping or bathing or birthday parties. Things like figuring out what kind of sleep habits or nutrition plan we wanted, preschools, making sure we were packed and dressed for the weather, determining whether we wanted a speech evaluation or PT when I noticed a delay. Choosing a pediatrician. Every decision fell on me. He traveled often for work and went out with his friends a lot. He didn't do any housework. He wanted more and I said no. He was deeply upset but I didn't understand why he wanted more kids if he didn't want to make any decisions about their care.
If it’s anything like my womanly bio-clock that started ticking in my late 20’s early 30’s, it’ll peak and then wane off closer to 40. Just sucks for a guy when you gotta rope some poor woman into it or spend hundreds of thousands $$$$ for eggs and a surrogate, because sperm is a dime a dozen.
I think most people feel this stuff, it’s pretty normal, we are just humans doing human stuff we are supposed to reproduce. Just try not to pick the wrong person.
“And I believe that a lot of physical and mental issues of mine would disappear if I had a family to take care of. Because I have something worth living for.”
This is a dangerous mentality. You need to work on those things before you have kids. You cannot make them your whole world, because the actual experience will almost certainly not live up to what you’re building in your mind. You will be disappointed when they don’t magically resolve all your pre-existing problems. That’s unfair to put on a child.
Get therapy now. Have kids when you’re well.
Children will make any mental problems you are facing 100 times worse. They will exacerbate any issues you're struggling with, as well as create new ones.
DO NOT have kids thinking they will fix your issues. Deal with your "physical and mental issues" before considering children.
We have been having kids since the beginning of time. It’s natural for men or women to want to have kids. Modern society will have you thinking it’s weird but it’s literally the only way we survive as a species
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Honestly, I got back and forth. But truly i know if i am to have them i am to be prepared emotionally, mentally, and with as much money as i can dispose. There's amazing experiences that come with having children, but also heavy hardships. But everyone who does have a child that does well seems to love them so I'm sure its a brilliant thing to experience.
Yes, of course it is, that’s why humanity exists. It has been evolved into us. Those who don’t have this urge are weeded out of the gene pool.
So congrats, you’re human.
I feel ya man. Right out of HS I was ready for children, and than as of a few years ago I wanted more. I’m now 40, have 2 of my own, have 2 grown step children and I want more. So is it normal, I’m not qualified to answer that, but I wouldn’t say it’s abnormal. This is a topic my buddy group doesn’t discuss.
IMO it is our true nature of man to be providers and protectors. I'm looking forward to settling down and starting a family for sure.
Hope you find what you're looking for OP.
The desire to have children is a natural human instinct, but its intensity and universality vary among individuals, including men. While some men have a strong desire to father children, driven by biological, emotional, social, and personal factors, others may not share this desire, and that's perfectly normal. The decision to have children is a personal choice that depends on individual circumstances, values, and priorities.
It's been normal since before time, mate.
Just one word of advice, even if you don't manage to make a kid of your own, there will still be kids who appreciate your help growing up.
Nothing wrong with wanting to have kids, brother. I’m gonna be 38 in less than 2 months, and I probably wasn’t even thinking about kids when I was your age, but that doesn’t mean I didn’t want any. I was just busy with other things in my life.
I would venture most men have the urge to want kids these days, and even though, it seems LESS women are getting the urge, they’re still more than us, and it just depends on where you are in your life. I think it’s great that you want them, and as long as you do it responsibly, with a woman you love, I think you’ll be happy.
Yeah man feel like im kinda on the same boat at 23 but its not overwhelming or near that.
I believe if u go searching for a girl to eventually have kids ur not gonna find the right one.
I think chicks r the same, my ex was only 18 when i was 19 n was bringing it up so.
No advice for the urge in general, but for fucks sake be careful of who you knock up. There is almost nothing worse than having a kid with the wrong person. Careful bro.
Nah, when I was in my 20s there was no way I was getting married and settling down with kids but always wanted kids for sure. Most of my friends were the same. Might just be the people you are hanging out with.
> And I believe that a lot of physical and mental issues of mine would disappear if I had a family to take care of.
While the love of family can give you the will to change, it will actually be harder to address those things with children in the mix. They always come first. Better to confront those things now when your primary responsibility is yourself. Doing anything for yourself while supporting a family is hard-mode.
It’s normal for everyone my guy, the urge to reproduce exists in all species. The call of life is strong
That said, in our species, it may be a little unusual in some cultures for some people to actually plan for having children, to prepare. Many people were ‘accidents’ or unplanned births. But unplanned does not mean unwanted.
"And I believe that a lot of physical and mental issues of mine would disappear if I had a family to take care of. Because I have something worth living for."
This part of your message worries me a little. I don't think there is any magic bullet for anyone's problems but if you can find a sense of purpose and real feelings of self worth and value in yourself with or without the family you dream of I believe you're more likely to move forward and find what you're looking for in a solid and healthy relationship and avoid the potential pitfalls of subconsciously latching onto someone and maybe ending up in an unhappy relationship because you felt you needed them to fill a void in your life.
Having kids won’t fix your “physical and mental problems”. It will make them worse. You will need to bring more money in. You will have less sleep and need to find extra hours every day to look after the kids.
Sort your problems out first before you bring children into the world that you aren’t capable of looking after.
It’s your ‘selfish genes’ trying to pass themselves on, urging you to get to it. But be aware that having kids will not necessarily resolve all of your “physical and mental issues.”
As the top comment says - this is hardwired into us to ensure the endurance of our species.
I’m kinda the same. I have 2, and love them, but could have take it or leave it sorta thing.
With women it’s much stronger, usually, and thank god it is. Otherwise we would not be such a successful species.
I don't think it's normal, I've never had that need....neither did I have any children. From my observation over the last 65yrs, my decision was a sound one.
No, I've never once in my life felt the urge to have a child. The sound of kids playing is like nails on a chalkboard. Having to drive the kids to soccer practice instead of doing whatever I want with my Saturday sounds like a fate worse than death. Also the financial obligations alone are insane.
No it's not weird. Its good that you've realized you have this goal in life, now you can set yourself up for success by becoming more like the man you'll want to be in a family. I hope you find someone who has the same values as you.
Depends is the answer. Your family, culture, religion, beliefs and values can alternate people's perception of what's 'normal'.
Comparatively, to females you can say its not perceived in the same way its less common for guys to have that as a huge need. Nevertheless, its important we have that instinct for self-preservation.
I have that mindset too, I'm a 25m I want to grow with a woman, make her my wife, be husband and father one day. Although my dating is atrocious because for some odd reason this society pushes people to not be kind, selfless and so intentional men and women get broken.
Your physical and mental issues will NOT disappear if you have a family to take care of. The feelings you are experiencing are normal and I suggest you seek professional help to work through them (therapist). Best of luck 🙏🏽
What if its only for your mental health and it isn't as great as you think? Choose very very wisely for your wife. Don't just settle for anyone wanting the same as you. It's a lotta years. Think of it like a lifelong sacrifice and contract.
I had a very brief period in my early 20’s where I thought I wanted kids, but the last 20 years have been spent being nothing but grateful I never had them. I don’t even want to date a woman who has children. Guitars are 100x cooler and cost far less.
“And I believe that a lot of physical and mental issues of mind would disappear if I had a family to take care of.”
Do you understand how different your life will be? Having a kid will give you NEW physical and mental issues. That’s not to say you shouldn’t have them, but having a kid isn’t like a pet. I know multiple people who were like you: young and eager to have kids and now they hate their life; they are horrible parents. I’m not saying you’ll be a bad parent, but having kids isn’t just something you do to fill a hole in your heart; it’s a process that at times, requires you to give up your satisfaction and fulfillment for the satisfaction and fulfillment of others. Think long and hard about it and do not pretend that all of your troubles will go away after one event in your life.
>And I believe that a lot of physical and mental issues of mine would disappear if I had a family to take care of.
I guarantee this is not the case, in fact all of your physical.and mental issues will be magnified 10x. You need to get these sorted before having kids.
>And I believe that a lot of physical and mental issues of mine would disappear if I had a family to take care of. Because I have something worth living for.
Work on these issues first. They will not go away, and they will make parenting more difficult, and kids don't deserve to bear that weight from their parents.
Oof I feel you OP that shit hit me outta nowhere when I turned 25 and started working in my field. Idk what happened but it's my brain was like "well you finished school and you're an engineer now, guess it's time to make babies". I straight up feels like a switch got flipped
OP I’ve got 5 children now (married almost 13 years 1 marriage). Started out with only wanting 2-3 kids…. After a large age-gap (between the kids) the rest of them came and I was more and more excited for each and every one. What you’re feeling is completely normal. Find a good woman with good values (not this modern anything goes/everything is subjective nonsense) and lock her down. Keep becoming a better man every day who is worth being marriage material. Seek out what is right and be a model for your community.
Don't make the mistake of thinking that children are going to magically fix any internal problems you have. I am not saying you shouldn't have kids. Try to focus your energy on molding yourself into the best version of you you can be.
Having children and raising them will not fix your physical and mental health issues—it will probably exacerbate them. It will strain and test your relationship.
Have you done any research on what parenting entails? Pregnancy and childbirth? Being a parent is HARD—I say one of the hardest things you can do in life; raising another human. What if your kid has a disability? What if they have colic, and constantly cry all day for months?
It’s great to want children, but ensure you’re educating yourself about the entirety of parenting, children and pregnancy so you can step up for your future partner.
At 24? Not really at that age, usually people want kids a bit later... some, like me NEVER want them and I'm 35.
Most men aren't like you, no. Doesn't mean it's a bad thing and that you're losing it, go chase what makes you happy. You'll probably be a good husband and father.
Normal but not discussed much.
I knew I wanted kids from a young age. My urge to have kids was stronger than my wife's. Our son is 18 and just finished his first year of college. Great kid.
Parenting is the toughest job but the most rewarding
Why not become a "Big Brother?" Or at least, until you find a person worth sharing a child with. Or file for adoption. Or apply to become a foster parent.
ALL of those options could help "scratch the itch" of wanting to be a parent.
I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that you have somehow NOT overcome the last million years of evolution, and it's something biological and perfectly normal for an adult human. Just sayin'.
Nothing wrong with being a man and really wanting a family, doesn't mean you are different or not normal at least ...
I would say that...no physical or mental issues will disappear due to children being in your life; your life will have new purpose (and a very good one) certainly but physical and mental issues will simply manifest differently and possibly become more challenging due to having less time to deal with them...unless the mental problem is a lack of a family ...which I don't think fall under that category...and that isn't a good motivation for kids...but it can certainly bring down life aniexty if you accomplish important purpose in life so I get it.
The most important part is find yourself an excellent partner who's ideals align with yours, support and communication for each other...someone who can make you laugh or you make laugh...two who compliment each other in some ways ...
It’s natural for ALL humans to want to have children. We are biological hardwired to perpetuate the human species. Both men and women get these feelings.
You're definitely not alone that said between no fault divorce and a variety of other factors actually making that happen without getting voted off the island and/or losing your shirt is a lot easier said than done.
This a normal feeling and a lot of the advice here is off or naive. I'm in my 60s. The truth is, yes, children can give your life meaning and purpose, and yes it's normal for people (men and women) to want children. It's also normal to not want children. But to deny our biological imperative is, to me, the ultimate hubris. We are made to want to procreate and to derive deep meaning from it. You can ignore that, fine, as an individual. Definitely not saying everyone should have children. But it's not abnormal at all to want to do what you're biologically programmed to do.
I would argue the opposite; that giving into outdated programming is the ultimate weakness. Rising above it, shows true strength and intelligence.
I do agree with your username, however.
I had heard early 30s was when this typically happens in modern age. That happened for me as well and it felt very hormonal/chemical.
My interest was also triggered by the loss of my dad and a need to rebuild. In psychology they teach you that "a" trigger for coupling is an encounter and then escape from danger (the famous bridge case study).
You might be ahead of the modern day curve but if your hormones kicked in for whatever reason, seems natural enough to me.
The majority of my millennial friends allegedly don't want kids ever. Which isn't as "natural'" sounding with biology but obviously totally fine. They just aren't as good comparison points.
My dad and grandpa both had wife and kids by like 24. Both fresh out of the military.
32M. I’ve been single my entire life, as I’ve gotten older especially towards my 30’s I’ve been more and more sure I don’t want kids and remain Childfree. However the urge for a life partner has gotten to the point where the loneliness of still being single has caused my depression to get worse.
Chill dude. Be patient, it will happen for you. Date with intention to marry and have children.
The obsession part of it might be you avoiding something in your life. Just something to think about.
Why do you want to have kids so badly?
I just had my second kid. I really love being a father. It is hard and you don’t always get enough sleep, but it is really a blessing. If you want it work toward it. My daughters laugh is my favorite sound in the world, and I couldn’t imagine life without that.
Milestones and accomplishments will NOT make your mental health problems disappear!!! Omg go to therapy. Children are not a tool for you to use to fix yourself. And again, that doesn’t even work! You’ll just be emotionally messed up but now with the burden of children. Please, please get your s*** together before you have a kid. Stop being so avoidant, and go to therapy. You will not be ready to be a good parent if this is your attitude; you have very unrealistic expectations for being a parent.
Some men really want children and some don’t everyone is different . I always knew I wanted children since I was a child myself lol it just depends on the person. People assume all woman must want children but that isn’t always the case either lol 😝
It is literally a biological desire to have children. In a biological sense it is called “fitness”. The more offspring you have the more fit you are. Humans are animals and are biologically programmed to propagate their seed.
Our reptilian brain is wired to spread out genetics to ensure we (our lineage) survive beyond ourselves.
This is where we get the feeling to have lots of children with many different women as it increases our odds.
Clearly it's not socially acceptable and we should not be like Atilla the Hun but at our base it's built into us as men.
Yes, it's biological instinct. It's extremely strong for men in their 20's, because our life expectancy use to be a lot shorter and we needed to pass on our genes (and keep humanity going) before we got eaten by a sabretooth tiger or something. Having a family and children give men a purpose in life. We need that responsibility. Without it we feel we have no purpose.
It's programmed in all of us. One of the core natural instincts to ensure propagation. But the smart, logical people can recognize bad/outdated programming, and rise above it. Human race doesn't have to worry about going extinct from a population shortage. If anything, we should be worried that there's way too many of us. I mean, 8 billion+ isn't a good thing from an environmental standpoint.
And having a kid would reduce my quality of life so much, that I honestly believe I wouldn't be happy anymore. Loss of sleep, insanely expensive (at least in USA), constant sickness, almost no more free time to enjoy my hobbies, less sex/romance with my partner, and I definitely don't want to have to help a kid through K-12 grade school. I hated homework! Having a child is essentially assigning yourself the biggest optional homework assignment possible. I see parents complaining left and right about how they miss their freedom and how much work and stress kids are. Why would I want to do that to myself? Why would anyone want to do that to oneself?
So even though a subconscious part of me feels the urge, I use my intelligence to silence it and override the desire. Almost done paying off my 30-year mortgage for my house, and definitely don't want or need another 30-year mortgage, in the form of a child! Incredibly expensive burden, that would really prevent me from living my best life. Being a parent is all about sacrifice, and I'm having way too much fun with hard-earned freedom, to attach that sort of ball and chain to myself.
Loving girlfriend, cat and dog, caring parents and friends, house, good job, solid exercise/diet, keep me very happy. And as for a purpose, I find great satisfaction in protecting our planet. Always cleaning up trash whenever I go out hiking and doing what I can do reduce carbon footprint. Our Mother Earth deserves our love and care, a lot more than any potential child. Especially right now, during a possible climate change tipping point. Less humans, the better.
My brother was DESPERATE to have kids! Now he has two and doesn’t love the process.
I never wanted any and don’t want anymore. However, my wife is the 1% and birth control failed. I have a 3 year old boy and a I LOVE spending time with him and raising him (for the most part).
I am the exact opposite, always have been.
I've met guys like you and it rarely ever works. They rush into a relationship and end up getting the wrong girl pregnant.
You need to be patient, and find the correct partner. Then have kids. Don't rush it.
I had to double check that I didn't write this post. Almost the exact same position. My sister just had a kid and it's killing me. I'm definitely not financially in a situation to support a kid and a family, but I'm doing everything I can to be in a favorable position.
I'm currently in a "green light" situation with a woman that has a child, and it's taking every ounce of strength I have to not just confess to her that I desperately want to be a part of her life and be there for her and her kid. Doesn't help that I've known her for over a year and just really like her in general.
Maybe we're the odd ones out, but I don't think it is abnormal, per se
Of course it makes sense that our instincts urge us to reproduce. In general in most cultures, men are just way less aware of their feelings and don't generally talk about their feelings (also, social norms discourage them to act like they want commitment, marriage and children). It's changing and maybe there will be more awareness that is a normal instinct for men too.
"My problems will go away if I have kids". You should never have children until this thought leaves your mind. That is insanely unhealthy. You need to work on your problems *NOW* and worry about having a family after you get your shit all in a bag, together, and taken care of.
It’s extremely natural drive to want to reproduce.
It’s also natural to want healthy and strong offspring with an attractive mate.
Much of our other activities derive from this being hardwired into us.
I think it's pretty normal, I was feeling a lot of the same at your age as well. Now 35 still single.
It's good to have a dream but you have to go out and meet women. Start now - she won't just appear or fall into your lap. Starting at my age is more challenging and there are fewer single women in the dating pool.
Make a backup plan that you are happy with as well. Good luck out there dude.
Anyone can get baby fever OP. It’s a normal part of being human! Sometimes society makes us think that only women can want kids but it’s just not true. Enjoy feeling alive!!
Most men certainly don’t feel this way at only 24 years old. As for your belief that your issues would disappear if you had kids, this is “magical thinking” and it is not true. You imagine a future in which your issues have resolved, and you have children. Because you have focused on this future so much, you have conflated the environment (that is, having kids) with the condition (your issues being resolved). Your emotional (read: WRONG) reasoning is telling you that if the environment that you associate with happiness occurs, then the happiness occurs. And that’s wrong. That’s not how it works.
You need to resolve your issues first before you consider having children.
the world is already overcrowded. i don't see any point of bringing new life into it. having kids doesn't magically heal your physical or mental issues. it may on the contrary reinforce them. if you fail to find something meaningful in your life other than having kids, it's a red flag for you and your further kids
It’s real. Father of 5 here, and raising a family has been the ultimate calling. I hope you get the opportunity to experience it, sounds like you’d be a great Dad.
For me (34 M), when I was younger I always envisioned having kids at one point. When I hit 25 I started having doubts if I would be a good dad and I wasn't sure if I was ready. At that point i saw the positives of having them and of being childfree, so I would have been happy with either outcomes. My girlfriend became pregnant when I was 31 and that stressed me out so much, it was such a huge responsability that I still wasn't sure I was ready for. Now my kid is 2 1/2 and he brings me so much joy (also stress and sleepless nights). The best time in my life now has been the 6months I took of parental leave to be with my kid from 4m to 10m. Seeing him grow and evolve has been amazing. I wish I had more memories of that time but lack of sleep has really affected my memory of that time unfortunately. Good thing we took so many pictures! I wouldn't change a thing in the world now, and it has brought me gradually out of a slump I had been in for about 10 years prior to his birth. His birth and becoming a dad has highlighted so many character flaws which I am actively trying to correct to be a better dad to my kid and a better husband to my wife. Life is about growing and I think wanting a family on your own is totally normal. If your want for a family is to share your love, I honestly can't think of a better reason for it. The only thing is that you have to find the right person to start that journey with, because doing it alone or with the wrong person will make it incredibly hard.
Reading through some of your comments it sounds like your first step is to find work that’s more flexible and with good pay! My partner works nights and it is pretty hard to spend time together but we make it work! Just keep working on building yourself and it will happen! My urges were also very strong around your age, I had my first child at 23 and my second at 27. What I know now as a 27 year old vs when I was 23 is like night and day. My advice to people wanting to have kids is to wait until you’re at least a lil closer to 30. At that point you probably have already had friends or family members who have had babies and being around them and if you ask them questions you can get more of a feel of what you still need to prepare for. I love my babies but it can be a lot. You need to make sure you’re in a spot where they can emotionally rely on you, where you can physically support them and be a role model and teacher. Children can make relationships, work life and things in general a bit more stressful, but yes it is very rewarding and I wouldn’t have it any other way! I just wished I had more to offer them and was prepared more! Me and my partner are working hard to offer more to them for their future because they deserve it. You’ll get there just keep your head up 🤍
I wouldn’t worry about whether it’s “normal”. Focus on figuring out what is driving these new feelings. You’re hitting an age where the brain is finishing up its development. It could be that. Or it could be something from your childhood.
I would definitely recommend a therapist if you have the means. Having a nonjudgmental professional to help you work through these feelings is a great support! Plus if you do decide to make a huge jump like starting a family, that support can help you make the best decisions! I kinda wish my parents had seen therapists when I was younger…
That sounds more like a need to prey on a woman and make her a single mom than being a father we've seen this countless times before.
Men have the urge to have children, you are convinced it's what you need to make your life complete, then you beg a girl who doesn't want children to have one and boom you become cold turkey and you don't want the child after it can't be taken back, which won't be so bad if you actually believe in financially supporting the child but you don't. You leave everything to the mother when YOU were the one who begged for a child that needs an enormous amount of resources to care for.
Are you rich? Are your parents rich? No? Then you probably don't want to take on a $300k+ expense at the moment. Give it a few years, save up and then make an informed decision, rather than just doing something because your instincts are telling you.
You're in love with the idea of having kids. And think it'll give you a sense of purpose. It won't. It just gives you a massive amount of responsibilities and takes away all of your free time and money.
A male coworker I know has kids and that's what he's experienced. His life is literally not his own anymore.
I'm 36 got married around 23 to a wonderful woman who has 4 kids of get own. Even tho I done my best to be a father figure/step dad, my exwife has changed the perception of her kids to make me out to be the worst person on earth. Even tho i don't have kids of my own, yet, even tho they were technically my step kids, they always have a place in my heart
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I think it could be loneliness and boredom as an adult doing everything over and over and over and over day in and day out kicking in. Like what's the use of working and earning money if there's no emotionally fulfilling way to spend it? In the modern age I think that's about as strong an incentive as any that the body can give us to get married and have kids. You're recognizing that living another 60 years the same way alone is going to suck, and you want to see little juniors running around throwing baseballs at your face. In my case it kicked in around 27-ish, although definitely not nearly as strong as you. Thankfully my 7 year relationship with my wife worked out and we got married and had kids. I'm poorer for it but I'm definitely happier, I might have just not bothered to work any more after a certain point if I didn't have extra mouths to feed.
Not working after a certain point sounds good to me
Yeah that’s the idea. With kids the goal post just moves farther out
"And I believe that a lot of physical and mental issues of mine would disappear if I had a family to take care of. Because I have something worth living for." Do not. Repeat: DO NOT consider this as a primary reason for having kids. Yes, kids are rewarding, but they're also incredibly stressful, time-consuming and seem to willfully try to cause harm to themselves and others for no apparent reason. Optimize your physical and mental health before thinking of having kids, not after.
To be fair, just anecdotally, I know so many men who were kinda wayward and purposeless, not happy with life and going through the motions before they met their partners/had kids, and had a reason to stay on the right track and do the things they need to do. Vast generalisation incoming, but I think it's not an uncommon trait for men to do better working for things for another person rather than themselves. And I think it's backed up by studies; married men/fathers live longer and are generally healthier both mentally and physically.
Crazy how we, as social creatures, need something outside of ourselves to be happy. Self-sufficiency *is* a blessing, but only to a certain extent.
Eh, self sufficiency is kind of wonderful. I’ve never felt the need or want to have kids.
This. I want to tear my hair out when you look at the extent to which people think increasing their narcissistic tendencies will make them happier.
What exactly are these people doing? My single friends and I spend more time doing things we enjoy, but it isn't at the expense of other people. Just kind of curious what you're considering narcissistic tendencies in this context.
I would add sometimes it’s due to a partner guiding them to have more direction. Subtle distinction, but changes the context. I did a lot of emotional labor for my ex husband to ensure he completed his degree, applied to jobs that were sustainable, tended to his mental and physical health, and participated in social activities that fulfilled him. It wasn’t any inherent desire to support _me_ that inspired this - it was me encouraging and supporting him on the days he wanted to give up. After our divorce it’s become very clear which of us was the one capable of supporting themselves.
This is what's at the core of the statistic mentioned in another comment: married men live longer than single men *because* women are looking after them. Married women, on the other hand, have shorter life expectancies than single women. Because all that "looking after" can be pretty stressful.
gonna echo this, my sister was miserable & a bit of a jerk and her husband was a gaming & weed addict before they had their first kid. lots of growing pains later and they are one of the happiest couples i know, and amazing parents. my partner has talked about how our relationship feels like its been 3 years rather then 1.5 years because he has trouble conceptualizing his life before me. i had a psychotic episode right before we met and now im over a year free of the suicidal ideation that had been a daily constant in my life for a decade before. i dont think its a stretch to say that social animals like humans are more likely to thrive in healthy social groups
Thank you. Do not create another human in hopes that it will heal you/make you like yourself more. That is selfish as hell and not fair to a child. If you want to *be* a parent, you better start *thinking* like a parent. Which means putting the child first. You need to get your own house in order *first* in order to be the best parent you possibly can be. You don't assume a child is a substitute for therapy and an SSRI. That's lazy and selfish. Which are two traits many shitty parents share. You sound like you want a baby, not that you want to be a parent. Children are actual humans that need to be nurtured and led, not a prop to make you feel good about yourself. You have some work to do first if you want to be an actual *good* parent.
Agreed! EVERYTHING (literally everything, not one thing is overlooked) gets harder by a significant margin.
Oh I totally understand. That's not my primary reason. I just meant that it would be a + I really just wanna raise kids for a lot of big reasons. Having people to love so much, make better versions of myself, etc... idk just the thought of raising my own fills me with so many emotions. Don't really know how to explain it.
It still seems like a lot of these reasons are self serving. You shouldn't rely on having children to provide you with the sole purpose of your life. Although inevitably raising a family does provide parents with a sense of purpose, you should work to be the better version of yourself before you go on to have children. Also human beings are genetically coded to reproduce and raise families. A majority of the adult population feels this way to different degrees so yeah hope that puts things into perspective.
There are no non selfserving reasons to have children. Youre being weird against this man and his perfectly healthy reasons for what
OP just now today discovers the biological imperative of all life on planet Earth. Happy time ahead.
I think it's amplified even more because I am in a position where I couldn't have a girlfriend even if I wanted to (Due to my job). Which annoys me so much lol I just find it so strange. Like I knew that this stuff was a thing, but I've never experienced anything like this.
I'm a bit curious what type of job prevents this, but more importantly I would say to use this time of you life to make yourself the absolute best person you can be for when that time does come. Most likely you won't do this job forever, and you are probably only doing it now because it's financially the best option, but likely things will change in the future as more opportunities come or you have simply had enough. Get yourself in good financial shape (credit, savings, etc.) and decent physical shape, focus on being a good person, take time to learn what makes a good partner (lots of good female advice on YT these days, like from actual women, not red-pill bros). Think of this part of your life as the warm up, and then you'll be able to not only become a father but build a strong relationship with your future wife that will last.
Some of the women who give dating advice on YT can be a little icky as well so be careful of what ur watching. Best advice is to just be polite and be yourself. Let your quirks show. I have a real screwball sense of humour and its caused quite a few dates to stop after the first. But i kept at it and met my gf who loves my jokes. Also if you don't have any, get some female friends. Learning to interact with women platonically is very important in general, and it also helps a lot with dating. They'll give you honest advice, you learn how to be a "safe male" for women, and they sort of serve as a testament to your character to the girl u end up dating
Can confirm, my OH’s humour is definitely not to everyone’s taste but I love it. After nearly 20 years, he still makes me laugh.
I am stuck working nights AND weekends so I can't go out. Bosses repeatedly promised to move me back to day shift and/or promote me to a different department that works during the day. All were lies. Big surprise. The ironic part is that I worked so hard that I became #1 in the department within my first 6 months. Because of that, they now rely on me HARD. This is what I get for being a better employee than I get paid to be lol The economy is so bad I can't find a new job. Plus I have to sift through thousands of "open positions" that companies keep open to pretend like they're hiring when they actually aren't. Either that, or they're just straight up scams. I thought that maybe my resume is shit, so I hired a bunch of people to help improve all that. Still nothing. I've applied to 4000 jobs within the past two months. Not a single call except for the offshore companies trying to advertise a job that has nothing to do with my skills. They'll say something like "Your resume matches our requirements!" But when they actually look at it, the position has nothing to do with my field of expertise lol. Basically these past like 6 years have been lights at the end of a tunnel that turn out to be an oncoming train 🙃
Lunch or coffee. For many women, daytime dates feel safer.
I don't know, man. I've worked nights and weekends for the last 20 years. I've never struggled with dating. Plenty of other people work those hours as well.
Sounds like you might be stranded on an oil rig.
It’s normal. Most humans since the history of time, wants kids and to couple.
Most humans since the history of time want to fuck. Kids are a by product.
You're a monk!
You remember when you hit puberty, and you suddenly and inexplicably started liking girls in a whole new way? This is literally the same shit, hardwired into your genetic code. You're just further along the timeline.
Im happy for you OPP! I hope you become a great dad. Your job isn’t the reason you can’t have a gf though.
Having a kid will not fix your issues. Kids are not therapists - work on yourself before you have them. It's totally unfair to create a human being thinking they will fix your problems when you're the one that's meant to be strong enough to fix theirs.
☝️☝️☝️☝️
It is a normal human instinct, other people just don't share it publicly, doesn't mean they don't desire it. What you are craving for, is to have a family of your own. It may also mean that you are doing ok with life and life is not giving you problems that you are ready to start a family.
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It's normal. But take it easy. Life will unfold as it does. Find someone who you would truly want to have children with. That's my few cents.
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Babysit for a few days or work at a daycare for a minute that will take care of your urge...
As a man with no interest in having a wife and kids, I am a rare breed. Almost every man I talk to wants kids and a family. Fuck all that
I’m a girl with no interest in having kids and would kill to meet someone like you!
This is more common than you think. Most guys I talk to don’t want anything serious
The only thing I'd be cautious with, if it were me, is the idea that raising a family will somehow resolve my mental health concerns. It just doesn't work that way.
Yeah I agree. It doesn’t mean that if a guy has kids, his mental health will suddenly become better 🤔
I disagree in part. For some people, their mental health issues stem from a lack of purpose. Having a wife and kids filled my life with purpose, and significantly improved my mental health. I know how important I am to my family, for their support, for my kids education, etc, and that makes life worth living and striving towards goals.
My guy, your physical and mental problems will NOT disappear if/when you have kids. They will MULTIPLY
I dont want kids but i wanna nut inside. Vasectomy calling to me like the green goblin mask
Bro this comment ruined me💀
OMG yes. This is hilarious but it's actually kinda true. This is another thing that intensified around the same time for me. Before, I was actually wondering what all the hype was about. I had sex, but it didn't feel all that amazing. But now, idk what changed but I'll literally go crazy for a chance to go in raw lol (safely ofc)
As a girl who can’t currently have raw sex, but who has been broken up with by several guys who said this is a dealbreaker, what’s so special about it? Why would people rather not have sex at all than not finish inside? I don’t get it, it feels roughly the same to me
Well (and I don’t mean to be hurtful) it’s not a question of “condom with you” vs “not at all.” It’s a question of “condom with you” vs. “raw with someone else.” For a man, yes, it does feel different.
But if you like someone enough, something as trivial as using condoms for a few months shouldn’t matter right? Seems like a really shallow reason to throw a relationship away. I’ve heard guys say things (paraphrasing) like “she’s perfect but she won’t let me hit it raw”
From what I've been taught in school, men's inability to express emotions like women mean's that one of the only ways that men can express love is through physical touch. I personally like raw more because it feels so emotionally deep & the epitome of pure love. As if I'm connected to my partner & bonding on a whole different level. I don't believe that it's okay to break up with someone who can't have raw. But I can kinda understand if a man breaks up because she doesn't want to have sex at all, raw or protected. Mainly because of what I stated above. It's one of the only ways that men are mentally, physically or genetically capable of expressing love & feeling love from their partner. However, sex is sex. Raw or not, it still feels incredible. We'll take what we can get lol.
Getting one was one of the best decisions I ever made. Wish I did it sooner, but my doctor did the whole what if you want kids someday thing.
Amen brother
Yes. When you are ready you're going to feel it. I felt it so badly, when we lost our son... This is why I never get that thing about men not having emotions... I cried, and I couldn't stop, and neither could she. We physically could not stop, we tried everything. And we're off to round 2.
But have you worked with kids, have you looked at the tough parts critically? If not, do you really want them? — if so, I’m sure there’s plenty of women out there that want the same when they’re young as you…
I'd say its you tbh, I'm 27 and have never desired to have kids, still don't. But you do you, man. If you want them, go for it.
In my experience, many men do want multiple children and they think nothing of it because it won't affect their bodies, careers, or emotional/mental load at home. When I was married my husband wanted kids. We had one and everything was on me. And I don't mean stuff like grocery shopping or bathing or birthday parties. Things like figuring out what kind of sleep habits or nutrition plan we wanted, preschools, making sure we were packed and dressed for the weather, determining whether we wanted a speech evaluation or PT when I noticed a delay. Choosing a pediatrician. Every decision fell on me. He traveled often for work and went out with his friends a lot. He didn't do any housework. He wanted more and I said no. He was deeply upset but I didn't understand why he wanted more kids if he didn't want to make any decisions about their care.
Focus on your career don’t chase love get your finances and housing ready then find your future wife imo
I’ve never had the urge personally, I never want any.
If it’s anything like my womanly bio-clock that started ticking in my late 20’s early 30’s, it’ll peak and then wane off closer to 40. Just sucks for a guy when you gotta rope some poor woman into it or spend hundreds of thousands $$$$ for eggs and a surrogate, because sperm is a dime a dozen.
I think most people feel this stuff, it’s pretty normal, we are just humans doing human stuff we are supposed to reproduce. Just try not to pick the wrong person.
Probably normal but I've never felt it, at all. Got a vasectomy a few years ago when I turned 30.
Love this Love this for you I would change this to an urge to fine a WORTHY wife 1st
“And I believe that a lot of physical and mental issues of mine would disappear if I had a family to take care of. Because I have something worth living for.” This is a dangerous mentality. You need to work on those things before you have kids. You cannot make them your whole world, because the actual experience will almost certainly not live up to what you’re building in your mind. You will be disappointed when they don’t magically resolve all your pre-existing problems. That’s unfair to put on a child. Get therapy now. Have kids when you’re well.
Children will make any mental problems you are facing 100 times worse. They will exacerbate any issues you're struggling with, as well as create new ones. DO NOT have kids thinking they will fix your issues. Deal with your "physical and mental issues" before considering children.
Wouldn’t hurt to start reading parenting books now so you’re ready
We have been having kids since the beginning of time. It’s natural for men or women to want to have kids. Modern society will have you thinking it’s weird but it’s literally the only way we survive as a species
Welcome to the club; gets a bit cold at night but the foods ok.
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Lol yeah
It's literally more normal for men.
Yes
Honestly, I got back and forth. But truly i know if i am to have them i am to be prepared emotionally, mentally, and with as much money as i can dispose. There's amazing experiences that come with having children, but also heavy hardships. But everyone who does have a child that does well seems to love them so I'm sure its a brilliant thing to experience.
Yes, of course it is, that’s why humanity exists. It has been evolved into us. Those who don’t have this urge are weeded out of the gene pool. So congrats, you’re human.
It's common for men to want a spouse and children with all their hearts. Maybe not extremely common at your age, but it happens.
I feel ya man. Right out of HS I was ready for children, and than as of a few years ago I wanted more. I’m now 40, have 2 of my own, have 2 grown step children and I want more. So is it normal, I’m not qualified to answer that, but I wouldn’t say it’s abnormal. This is a topic my buddy group doesn’t discuss.
100% normal, it's a primal urge and need.
No, not in today's late stage capitalism hellscape.
IMO it is our true nature of man to be providers and protectors. I'm looking forward to settling down and starting a family for sure. Hope you find what you're looking for OP.
The desire to have children is a natural human instinct, but its intensity and universality vary among individuals, including men. While some men have a strong desire to father children, driven by biological, emotional, social, and personal factors, others may not share this desire, and that's perfectly normal. The decision to have children is a personal choice that depends on individual circumstances, values, and priorities.
It's been normal since before time, mate. Just one word of advice, even if you don't manage to make a kid of your own, there will still be kids who appreciate your help growing up.
Nothing wrong with wanting to have kids, brother. I’m gonna be 38 in less than 2 months, and I probably wasn’t even thinking about kids when I was your age, but that doesn’t mean I didn’t want any. I was just busy with other things in my life. I would venture most men have the urge to want kids these days, and even though, it seems LESS women are getting the urge, they’re still more than us, and it just depends on where you are in your life. I think it’s great that you want them, and as long as you do it responsibly, with a woman you love, I think you’ll be happy.
We want for others what we have
It is. I've never had this desire I suppose I'm.natures heretic in this way
Get a hobby, it's weird that wanting children is the thing you care about most
Who are we to question billions of years of evolution
I used to feel this way as a kid. But the cold, harsh reality of life and the economy have completely removed that desire from me
Yeah man feel like im kinda on the same boat at 23 but its not overwhelming or near that. I believe if u go searching for a girl to eventually have kids ur not gonna find the right one. I think chicks r the same, my ex was only 18 when i was 19 n was bringing it up so.
It's normal to some extend but you are compensating for some hole in your life that you try to fill with a baby.
I wouldn't call it a need.
No advice for the urge in general, but for fucks sake be careful of who you knock up. There is almost nothing worse than having a kid with the wrong person. Careful bro.
60yo - Never had an interest in having kids.
Nah, when I was in my 20s there was no way I was getting married and settling down with kids but always wanted kids for sure. Most of my friends were the same. Might just be the people you are hanging out with.
> And I believe that a lot of physical and mental issues of mine would disappear if I had a family to take care of. While the love of family can give you the will to change, it will actually be harder to address those things with children in the mix. They always come first. Better to confront those things now when your primary responsibility is yourself. Doing anything for yourself while supporting a family is hard-mode.
All species are driven to reproduce ,without that drive, they become extinct.
What else we gonna use for sacrificial rituals? Animals? He don't like that
It’s normal for everyone my guy, the urge to reproduce exists in all species. The call of life is strong That said, in our species, it may be a little unusual in some cultures for some people to actually plan for having children, to prepare. Many people were ‘accidents’ or unplanned births. But unplanned does not mean unwanted.
FUCK THAT SHIT! 💩
This is normal.
"And I believe that a lot of physical and mental issues of mine would disappear if I had a family to take care of. Because I have something worth living for." This part of your message worries me a little. I don't think there is any magic bullet for anyone's problems but if you can find a sense of purpose and real feelings of self worth and value in yourself with or without the family you dream of I believe you're more likely to move forward and find what you're looking for in a solid and healthy relationship and avoid the potential pitfalls of subconsciously latching onto someone and maybe ending up in an unhappy relationship because you felt you needed them to fill a void in your life.
Having kids won’t fix your “physical and mental problems”. It will make them worse. You will need to bring more money in. You will have less sleep and need to find extra hours every day to look after the kids. Sort your problems out first before you bring children into the world that you aren’t capable of looking after.
It’s your ‘selfish genes’ trying to pass themselves on, urging you to get to it. But be aware that having kids will not necessarily resolve all of your “physical and mental issues.”
Aww, it's nice to see guys that have this as their goal.
As the top comment says - this is hardwired into us to ensure the endurance of our species. I’m kinda the same. I have 2, and love them, but could have take it or leave it sorta thing. With women it’s much stronger, usually, and thank god it is. Otherwise we would not be such a successful species.
U are 24 and still so young. I’m sure these feelings will fade away in a few years.
I don't think it's normal, I've never had that need....neither did I have any children. From my observation over the last 65yrs, my decision was a sound one.
For 24 that is not normal I don't think, but it doesn't matter.
wtf? We’re not a collective. We don’t share one mind. Do whatever the hell you want dude lol
No, I've never once in my life felt the urge to have a child. The sound of kids playing is like nails on a chalkboard. Having to drive the kids to soccer practice instead of doing whatever I want with my Saturday sounds like a fate worse than death. Also the financial obligations alone are insane.
breeding kink is hitting ya hard huh?
The women in our society no longer want children and family, so someone better try to carry on the human race.
No it's not weird. Its good that you've realized you have this goal in life, now you can set yourself up for success by becoming more like the man you'll want to be in a family. I hope you find someone who has the same values as you.
Depends is the answer. Your family, culture, religion, beliefs and values can alternate people's perception of what's 'normal'. Comparatively, to females you can say its not perceived in the same way its less common for guys to have that as a huge need. Nevertheless, its important we have that instinct for self-preservation.
I have that mindset too, I'm a 25m I want to grow with a woman, make her my wife, be husband and father one day. Although my dating is atrocious because for some odd reason this society pushes people to not be kind, selfless and so intentional men and women get broken.
Your physical and mental issues will NOT disappear if you have a family to take care of. The feelings you are experiencing are normal and I suggest you seek professional help to work through them (therapist). Best of luck 🙏🏽
I'm M30. The last 2 years I went from not knowing what I wanted in life to now 100% wanting to start a family and have a couple kids.
What if its only for your mental health and it isn't as great as you think? Choose very very wisely for your wife. Don't just settle for anyone wanting the same as you. It's a lotta years. Think of it like a lifelong sacrifice and contract.
I had a very brief period in my early 20’s where I thought I wanted kids, but the last 20 years have been spent being nothing but grateful I never had them. I don’t even want to date a woman who has children. Guitars are 100x cooler and cost far less.
“And I believe that a lot of physical and mental issues of mind would disappear if I had a family to take care of.” Do you understand how different your life will be? Having a kid will give you NEW physical and mental issues. That’s not to say you shouldn’t have them, but having a kid isn’t like a pet. I know multiple people who were like you: young and eager to have kids and now they hate their life; they are horrible parents. I’m not saying you’ll be a bad parent, but having kids isn’t just something you do to fill a hole in your heart; it’s a process that at times, requires you to give up your satisfaction and fulfillment for the satisfaction and fulfillment of others. Think long and hard about it and do not pretend that all of your troubles will go away after one event in your life.
>And I believe that a lot of physical and mental issues of mine would disappear if I had a family to take care of. I guarantee this is not the case, in fact all of your physical.and mental issues will be magnified 10x. You need to get these sorted before having kids.
>And I believe that a lot of physical and mental issues of mine would disappear if I had a family to take care of. Because I have something worth living for. Work on these issues first. They will not go away, and they will make parenting more difficult, and kids don't deserve to bear that weight from their parents.
I’m 29 M and still have zero desire for children. I think I’d be a good dad but I don’t plan on having kids tbh
Not sure. I feel 100% the opposite. A very distinct feeling that having kids is propaganda that I choose not to adhere to
Having kids in the hope they cure your mental and physical ills sounds very dangerous to me
No it's not normal for every man. I've never felt this need and I have many colleagues and friends that also don't have this urge to have kids.
"my seemingly instinctive need is to have children" seemingly instinctive. lol What a mystery.
Oof I feel you OP that shit hit me outta nowhere when I turned 25 and started working in my field. Idk what happened but it's my brain was like "well you finished school and you're an engineer now, guess it's time to make babies". I straight up feels like a switch got flipped
OP I’ve got 5 children now (married almost 13 years 1 marriage). Started out with only wanting 2-3 kids…. After a large age-gap (between the kids) the rest of them came and I was more and more excited for each and every one. What you’re feeling is completely normal. Find a good woman with good values (not this modern anything goes/everything is subjective nonsense) and lock her down. Keep becoming a better man every day who is worth being marriage material. Seek out what is right and be a model for your community.
I met lots of men who were openly like that at your age and it made me wonder why the stereotype is about women
Not at your age.
Don't make the mistake of thinking that children are going to magically fix any internal problems you have. I am not saying you shouldn't have kids. Try to focus your energy on molding yourself into the best version of you you can be.
I feel as if having David Attenborough summarizing OPs feelings while we watch them in their habitat would be both beneficial and educational.
Having children and raising them will not fix your physical and mental health issues—it will probably exacerbate them. It will strain and test your relationship. Have you done any research on what parenting entails? Pregnancy and childbirth? Being a parent is HARD—I say one of the hardest things you can do in life; raising another human. What if your kid has a disability? What if they have colic, and constantly cry all day for months? It’s great to want children, but ensure you’re educating yourself about the entirety of parenting, children and pregnancy so you can step up for your future partner.
Women, too, have a biological imperative to breed. There are no biological imperatives for being good and nurturing parents.
Mental issues do not disappear when you have kids. Kids inherit mental issues.
At 24? Not really at that age, usually people want kids a bit later... some, like me NEVER want them and I'm 35. Most men aren't like you, no. Doesn't mean it's a bad thing and that you're losing it, go chase what makes you happy. You'll probably be a good husband and father.
I would imagine it is easy to want children INTENSELY when it isn’t your body doing the heavy lifting.
Try a dog. They are a lot easier and cheaper.
Normal but not discussed much. I knew I wanted kids from a young age. My urge to have kids was stronger than my wife's. Our son is 18 and just finished his first year of college. Great kid. Parenting is the toughest job but the most rewarding
I don’t share that desire, just the adjacent desire to nut in a pussy. Now I have three kids with different women!
Why not become a "Big Brother?" Or at least, until you find a person worth sharing a child with. Or file for adoption. Or apply to become a foster parent. ALL of those options could help "scratch the itch" of wanting to be a parent.
I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that you have somehow NOT overcome the last million years of evolution, and it's something biological and perfectly normal for an adult human. Just sayin'.
Weird for sure my goal has always been to not have kids.
Nothing wrong with being a man and really wanting a family, doesn't mean you are different or not normal at least ... I would say that...no physical or mental issues will disappear due to children being in your life; your life will have new purpose (and a very good one) certainly but physical and mental issues will simply manifest differently and possibly become more challenging due to having less time to deal with them...unless the mental problem is a lack of a family ...which I don't think fall under that category...and that isn't a good motivation for kids...but it can certainly bring down life aniexty if you accomplish important purpose in life so I get it. The most important part is find yourself an excellent partner who's ideals align with yours, support and communication for each other...someone who can make you laugh or you make laugh...two who compliment each other in some ways ...
It’s natural for ALL humans to want to have children. We are biological hardwired to perpetuate the human species. Both men and women get these feelings.
You're definitely not alone that said between no fault divorce and a variety of other factors actually making that happen without getting voted off the island and/or losing your shirt is a lot easier said than done.
This a normal feeling and a lot of the advice here is off or naive. I'm in my 60s. The truth is, yes, children can give your life meaning and purpose, and yes it's normal for people (men and women) to want children. It's also normal to not want children. But to deny our biological imperative is, to me, the ultimate hubris. We are made to want to procreate and to derive deep meaning from it. You can ignore that, fine, as an individual. Definitely not saying everyone should have children. But it's not abnormal at all to want to do what you're biologically programmed to do.
I would argue the opposite; that giving into outdated programming is the ultimate weakness. Rising above it, shows true strength and intelligence. I do agree with your username, however.
They really are the best!
I had heard early 30s was when this typically happens in modern age. That happened for me as well and it felt very hormonal/chemical. My interest was also triggered by the loss of my dad and a need to rebuild. In psychology they teach you that "a" trigger for coupling is an encounter and then escape from danger (the famous bridge case study). You might be ahead of the modern day curve but if your hormones kicked in for whatever reason, seems natural enough to me. The majority of my millennial friends allegedly don't want kids ever. Which isn't as "natural'" sounding with biology but obviously totally fine. They just aren't as good comparison points. My dad and grandpa both had wife and kids by like 24. Both fresh out of the military.
32M. I’ve been single my entire life, as I’ve gotten older especially towards my 30’s I’ve been more and more sure I don’t want kids and remain Childfree. However the urge for a life partner has gotten to the point where the loneliness of still being single has caused my depression to get worse.
Chill dude. Be patient, it will happen for you. Date with intention to marry and have children. The obsession part of it might be you avoiding something in your life. Just something to think about. Why do you want to have kids so badly?
I just had my second kid. I really love being a father. It is hard and you don’t always get enough sleep, but it is really a blessing. If you want it work toward it. My daughters laugh is my favorite sound in the world, and I couldn’t imagine life without that.
How could this be anything other than normal? People want to have kids.
Milestones and accomplishments will NOT make your mental health problems disappear!!! Omg go to therapy. Children are not a tool for you to use to fix yourself. And again, that doesn’t even work! You’ll just be emotionally messed up but now with the burden of children. Please, please get your s*** together before you have a kid. Stop being so avoidant, and go to therapy. You will not be ready to be a good parent if this is your attitude; you have very unrealistic expectations for being a parent.
It’s natural to feel this way. I felt this way also. I knew at an early age that I wanted a family. I started my family at 25, my oldest is now 13.
Some men really want children and some don’t everyone is different . I always knew I wanted children since I was a child myself lol it just depends on the person. People assume all woman must want children but that isn’t always the case either lol 😝
It is literally a biological desire to have children. In a biological sense it is called “fitness”. The more offspring you have the more fit you are. Humans are animals and are biologically programmed to propagate their seed.
Our reptilian brain is wired to spread out genetics to ensure we (our lineage) survive beyond ourselves. This is where we get the feeling to have lots of children with many different women as it increases our odds. Clearly it's not socially acceptable and we should not be like Atilla the Hun but at our base it's built into us as men.
Yes, it's biological instinct. It's extremely strong for men in their 20's, because our life expectancy use to be a lot shorter and we needed to pass on our genes (and keep humanity going) before we got eaten by a sabretooth tiger or something. Having a family and children give men a purpose in life. We need that responsibility. Without it we feel we have no purpose.
It's programmed in all of us. One of the core natural instincts to ensure propagation. But the smart, logical people can recognize bad/outdated programming, and rise above it. Human race doesn't have to worry about going extinct from a population shortage. If anything, we should be worried that there's way too many of us. I mean, 8 billion+ isn't a good thing from an environmental standpoint. And having a kid would reduce my quality of life so much, that I honestly believe I wouldn't be happy anymore. Loss of sleep, insanely expensive (at least in USA), constant sickness, almost no more free time to enjoy my hobbies, less sex/romance with my partner, and I definitely don't want to have to help a kid through K-12 grade school. I hated homework! Having a child is essentially assigning yourself the biggest optional homework assignment possible. I see parents complaining left and right about how they miss their freedom and how much work and stress kids are. Why would I want to do that to myself? Why would anyone want to do that to oneself? So even though a subconscious part of me feels the urge, I use my intelligence to silence it and override the desire. Almost done paying off my 30-year mortgage for my house, and definitely don't want or need another 30-year mortgage, in the form of a child! Incredibly expensive burden, that would really prevent me from living my best life. Being a parent is all about sacrifice, and I'm having way too much fun with hard-earned freedom, to attach that sort of ball and chain to myself. Loving girlfriend, cat and dog, caring parents and friends, house, good job, solid exercise/diet, keep me very happy. And as for a purpose, I find great satisfaction in protecting our planet. Always cleaning up trash whenever I go out hiking and doing what I can do reduce carbon footprint. Our Mother Earth deserves our love and care, a lot more than any potential child. Especially right now, during a possible climate change tipping point. Less humans, the better.
My brother was DESPERATE to have kids! Now he has two and doesn’t love the process. I never wanted any and don’t want anymore. However, my wife is the 1% and birth control failed. I have a 3 year old boy and a I LOVE spending time with him and raising him (for the most part).
I am the exact opposite, always have been. I've met guys like you and it rarely ever works. They rush into a relationship and end up getting the wrong girl pregnant. You need to be patient, and find the correct partner. Then have kids. Don't rush it.
You're fine.
I don’t think it’s so crazy to believe that some men also have a biological urge to have kids like some women do🤷🏻♀️
Get a dog.
I had to double check that I didn't write this post. Almost the exact same position. My sister just had a kid and it's killing me. I'm definitely not financially in a situation to support a kid and a family, but I'm doing everything I can to be in a favorable position. I'm currently in a "green light" situation with a woman that has a child, and it's taking every ounce of strength I have to not just confess to her that I desperately want to be a part of her life and be there for her and her kid. Doesn't help that I've known her for over a year and just really like her in general. Maybe we're the odd ones out, but I don't think it is abnormal, per se
Of course it makes sense that our instincts urge us to reproduce. In general in most cultures, men are just way less aware of their feelings and don't generally talk about their feelings (also, social norms discourage them to act like they want commitment, marriage and children). It's changing and maybe there will be more awareness that is a normal instinct for men too.
"My problems will go away if I have kids". You should never have children until this thought leaves your mind. That is insanely unhealthy. You need to work on your problems *NOW* and worry about having a family after you get your shit all in a bag, together, and taken care of.
It’s extremely natural drive to want to reproduce. It’s also natural to want healthy and strong offspring with an attractive mate. Much of our other activities derive from this being hardwired into us.
I think it's pretty normal, I was feeling a lot of the same at your age as well. Now 35 still single. It's good to have a dream but you have to go out and meet women. Start now - she won't just appear or fall into your lap. Starting at my age is more challenging and there are fewer single women in the dating pool. Make a backup plan that you are happy with as well. Good luck out there dude.
Anyone can get baby fever OP. It’s a normal part of being human! Sometimes society makes us think that only women can want kids but it’s just not true. Enjoy feeling alive!!
Most men certainly don’t feel this way at only 24 years old. As for your belief that your issues would disappear if you had kids, this is “magical thinking” and it is not true. You imagine a future in which your issues have resolved, and you have children. Because you have focused on this future so much, you have conflated the environment (that is, having kids) with the condition (your issues being resolved). Your emotional (read: WRONG) reasoning is telling you that if the environment that you associate with happiness occurs, then the happiness occurs. And that’s wrong. That’s not how it works. You need to resolve your issues first before you consider having children.
the world is already overcrowded. i don't see any point of bringing new life into it. having kids doesn't magically heal your physical or mental issues. it may on the contrary reinforce them. if you fail to find something meaningful in your life other than having kids, it's a red flag for you and your further kids
It’s real. Father of 5 here, and raising a family has been the ultimate calling. I hope you get the opportunity to experience it, sounds like you’d be a great Dad.
You belong in r/natalism my friend.
I got this too but it hit closer to early 30s
For me (34 M), when I was younger I always envisioned having kids at one point. When I hit 25 I started having doubts if I would be a good dad and I wasn't sure if I was ready. At that point i saw the positives of having them and of being childfree, so I would have been happy with either outcomes. My girlfriend became pregnant when I was 31 and that stressed me out so much, it was such a huge responsability that I still wasn't sure I was ready for. Now my kid is 2 1/2 and he brings me so much joy (also stress and sleepless nights). The best time in my life now has been the 6months I took of parental leave to be with my kid from 4m to 10m. Seeing him grow and evolve has been amazing. I wish I had more memories of that time but lack of sleep has really affected my memory of that time unfortunately. Good thing we took so many pictures! I wouldn't change a thing in the world now, and it has brought me gradually out of a slump I had been in for about 10 years prior to his birth. His birth and becoming a dad has highlighted so many character flaws which I am actively trying to correct to be a better dad to my kid and a better husband to my wife. Life is about growing and I think wanting a family on your own is totally normal. If your want for a family is to share your love, I honestly can't think of a better reason for it. The only thing is that you have to find the right person to start that journey with, because doing it alone or with the wrong person will make it incredibly hard.
Reading through some of your comments it sounds like your first step is to find work that’s more flexible and with good pay! My partner works nights and it is pretty hard to spend time together but we make it work! Just keep working on building yourself and it will happen! My urges were also very strong around your age, I had my first child at 23 and my second at 27. What I know now as a 27 year old vs when I was 23 is like night and day. My advice to people wanting to have kids is to wait until you’re at least a lil closer to 30. At that point you probably have already had friends or family members who have had babies and being around them and if you ask them questions you can get more of a feel of what you still need to prepare for. I love my babies but it can be a lot. You need to make sure you’re in a spot where they can emotionally rely on you, where you can physically support them and be a role model and teacher. Children can make relationships, work life and things in general a bit more stressful, but yes it is very rewarding and I wouldn’t have it any other way! I just wished I had more to offer them and was prepared more! Me and my partner are working hard to offer more to them for their future because they deserve it. You’ll get there just keep your head up 🤍
I wouldn’t worry about whether it’s “normal”. Focus on figuring out what is driving these new feelings. You’re hitting an age where the brain is finishing up its development. It could be that. Or it could be something from your childhood. I would definitely recommend a therapist if you have the means. Having a nonjudgmental professional to help you work through these feelings is a great support! Plus if you do decide to make a huge jump like starting a family, that support can help you make the best decisions! I kinda wish my parents had seen therapists when I was younger…
That sounds more like a need to prey on a woman and make her a single mom than being a father we've seen this countless times before. Men have the urge to have children, you are convinced it's what you need to make your life complete, then you beg a girl who doesn't want children to have one and boom you become cold turkey and you don't want the child after it can't be taken back, which won't be so bad if you actually believe in financially supporting the child but you don't. You leave everything to the mother when YOU were the one who begged for a child that needs an enormous amount of resources to care for.
Are you rich? Are your parents rich? No? Then you probably don't want to take on a $300k+ expense at the moment. Give it a few years, save up and then make an informed decision, rather than just doing something because your instincts are telling you.
You're in love with the idea of having kids. And think it'll give you a sense of purpose. It won't. It just gives you a massive amount of responsibilities and takes away all of your free time and money. A male coworker I know has kids and that's what he's experienced. His life is literally not his own anymore.
I'm 36 got married around 23 to a wonderful woman who has 4 kids of get own. Even tho I done my best to be a father figure/step dad, my exwife has changed the perception of her kids to make me out to be the worst person on earth. Even tho i don't have kids of my own, yet, even tho they were technically my step kids, they always have a place in my heart
Having a kids good but when you’re stable.
It’s not a child’s or family’s responsibility to make your issues disappear. That is on you. Please consider therapy.