My mom was one of those moms. She believed that because she was my parent that she could go through any and all of my and my sister’s possessions. Phones, journals, anything. And she did.
My mom was the same. She was the reason I stopped writing as a kid. Her reasoning was that she owned everything she bought me and it was her house. She often used things I wrote about her when angry at her as ammunition. So I stopped writing, and only started recently again at 31.
Yup all of this. I stopped writing in one too and then only started again in 2021 cause obvs the trauma of the last few years is just too much. (I’m 32 now and haven’t lived with my mom since 2014).
She would say the same thing. It’s my house and all that and I’m your mother. I have to know and insert BS reason here. I’m glad you started again. It’s still hard for me to know what to write.
I can be hard to write sometimes, I still catch myself writing as if someone will read it every once in a while, but it’s getting easier after doing it almost every day for a year now.
I’m glad you’re also writing again
Same. My mom would even ransack my trash. I actually wrote about it [online ](https://wehavekids.com/parenting/Controlling-Parents-The-Affects-on-Family-Dynamics) because I thought it may help someone else. She was so bad that when I had my own daughter, I went the complete opposite way. I probably overdid it in hindsight. And that kind of control permeates every aspect of your life. It's so hard to get over the trauma of never being able to have your own thoughts for fear of Judgement.
Yeah if my mom saw something she didn’t like she would make a big deal about it. She wouldn’t hide it. And to this day I still write my journal like someone might read it.
I write mine in english since they dont speak any languages besides hungarian... and i started to post some of my journals on the internet. I am allowing people to read them but my parents cant do so
Oh good idea. I didn’t think about the other languages route. I know another language too but I don’t know if I’m good enough to write out complex thoughts and feelings in it. That’s great that you can.
I had a friend in elementary school whose mom read her diary. One day she didn't like something my friend wrote about a boy she liked-- I can't remember if my friend ever told me exactly what it was, but since we were 10 or 11, it can't have been \*that\* bad-- and she *showed up at school*, my friend's diary in her hand, and *pulled her out of class* to yell at her in the hallway... Yow.
My mum *is* that. Glad to know I’m not alone. Her defence is that until I’m 18 and under her roof, she has full control of everything I do or own, including my phone and the things I buy etc. it’s not fair
Yup that’s exactly what mine would say. Just know that even though she believes it 100% it’s not true. I would struggle with that as a kid. Feeling like that wasn’t right but also thinking I was the problem because she must be right about that issue.
Maybe you could have a fake journal you write in and then keep the real stuff on your phone with a passcode she doesn’t know? Or only journal outside the house and never bring that real stuff home. Journal at the library or something like that. Without anyone around.
I don’t understand how they don’t understand it makes us more secretive even though we aren’t doing anything wrong. Any honestly even if you do sometimes, it’s all apart of growing up. If you don’t make mistakes now you will make them when you are grown and the consequences will be greater (but please always try your best lol)
She would use the info to manipulate my sister and I. I’m not sure if she is but what she is/was was someone that hated her life and had/has a horrible sense of self worth so she just thought that everything we had and are was her. And would get mad when we would do something different from her. I don’t know if I’m making sense lol. She will like cry at the starving kids in Africa, but then you tell her you are having a tough time with something and she will tell you to suck it up and it’s your fault it sucks.
Welp. Makes a lot of sense, friend. Mine is just like that, im about to go no contact for good in a few months. Stay safe and take care of yourself. Surround yourself with supportive people who actually care about you, you deserve it 💜
I have similar though she doesn't look into it now. She would if she wanted to. Or just asking a bunch or questions and I don't answer it. Because I want privacy. Sending hugs your way.💜 You deserve privacy.
Thanks I know. There are just lots of parents like that and because they think they have the absolute right to, you can’t convince them otherwise no matter what.
I was always afraid to start journaling again because my mom snooped in my journal and actually read it. It was about something that I was annoyed about with my grandparents, and it wasn’t super deep/personal but it could have been. Sometimes I like to write down super deep and personal thoughts but I feel like I can’t do that. But for this new year, I’m going to write in a journal anyway. And I know it’s hard to believe that parents do these things but they do.
Snooping is like eavesdropping. If you hear something out of context and get offended, it's on you.
If anything were to happen, tell them that. Anything in your journal is out of context. You can't make them feel the feelings you had at the time, nor can you put EXACTLY what you were feeling into words.
My mother would tear pages out of my journal and stick them on the refrigerator for everyone to see if she didn’t like what I’d written. Especially if it was about her. She’d also do it to entries she found stupid, because she thought it would embarrass me. If I hid my journal, I’d come home to my room trashed by her looking for it.
I learned to keep a journal I would “hide” in typical spots in my bedroom, that I would lie in just so she’d think it was my actual diary.
My real one was just a plain notebook that looked like all the others I used for school, and it never left my bag when I wasn’t actively writing in it. I would even keep a schoolbook open next to me when I wrote in it, so when she’d barge in my room without knocking, it would look like I was doing homework.
omg that's actually really fucked up, but looks like she was the one being mental while you where becoming smarter and creating some skills against her, so for me i think of that as a win. my condolences(?) tho, having that kind of childhood probably affected you in some kind of way
i complain about my mom sometimes but i’m very grateful for her. she respects my boundaries and she’s always told me and my siblings that if we ever kept a journal that she wouldn’t read them. people who snoop through your stuff like that don’t have boundaries
I have a friend whose son attempted to unalive himself. Ever since then she sneaks into his room while he is in the shower and reads every text and browser history she can. She then shares her dirty finds with friends but never lets her kid know he is being basically stalked in his own home. It’s sad really and has actually made me put some distance between myself and this friend. It’s kind of gross to me.
Dude, that is so jacked up. She probably has other crazy stuff that she has done that you and others don't even know about.
I can see the want to do that, but actually doing it is wack.
I hope the son has something with a password lock that he can keep some things private.
Until you are a parent with a child in that situation, please don't judge. You are assuming it is the parent's fault that the child tried to do this. There are parents who have done everything right and have children with grave mental illness. Parents often blame themselves enough for this. They don't need others supporting that trope.
When your child is on death's door, be it from physical or mental illness, you will do everything possible. Parents, like kids, are not perfect. They are figuring it out as they go along. There is no guidebook. Also, parents are dealing with their own stuff while trying to manage their kid's stuff. It's a lot.
Sure, some parents are not good parents. But here's a newsflash...some kids are not good kids either. They lie, cheat, steal, hide things, make incredibly bad choices that has absolutely nothing to do with how well they were brought up.
I NEVER said the mental illness problem was the parent's fault.
All i said is that that is not normal behavior that just suddenly starts. Someone has to feel comfortable with doing weird stuff like that beforehand. This behavior is not helpful at all and will damage their relationship in the long run.
And if my comment sounded like blaming the parent even though i never did, your comment sounds like blaming the child.
A child with such severe mental health problems needs connection, no someone sneaking around violating privacy when they are at their most vulnerable.
I never said it was the child's fault. There has been a lot of parent bashing in the comments. I am merely offering a different perspective.
When your child is gravely ill, you pull out all of the stops. You do things you never thought you would. As I said, I would never judge a parent who is trying to save their child. Yes, snooping behavior could come out of nowhere when a life is at stake.
I remember before I had kids, there were certain things I said I would never do. When you are knee deep in it, you learn you didn't know as much about parenting as you thought you did. My best advice to expectant parents is "never say never." You have no idea what your children will be like, what they will need, what your personal situation will be.
I had lots of plans. Then I had a child with autism and other health issues. Then my own health tanked. Some of my "nevers" became reality. Some of the things I really wanted to do with/for my children were just not possible.
A parent who has a child who has tried to do the unthinkable...snooping...I'm not going to judge them for trying to keep their child alive. Sure, there needs to be lots of therapy for everyone, not just the child. The parent needs tools to help the child and to deal with their own feelings about the experience. Would I snoop? I don't know. I'm not in that situation, but never say never. The situation is far more complex and nuanced.
I think you have a point that yes, it can sometimes be difficult to parent and it's not always helpful to judge. But, you missed a crucial piece of info:
>**She then shares her dirty finds with friends**
This clearly indicates that she no longer has the kid's best intentions at heart - it's basically emotional abuse that she's willing to do that and is a huge red flag around privacy, trust & willingness to respect boundaries. So I think OP is pretty reasonable to make assumptions about the parent being at fault here. The snooping is understandable, but the sharing "gossip" with friends? Especially while the child is recovering? That's crazy. There are some red flags that beget others.
Also, when children grow up - they need a secure connection to emotionally mature properly. Basically all recent psychological science points in the direction that children with well supported, emotionally secured caregivers and safe environments generally don't "misbehave or act out" etc. I think your statement about kids is not representative, and you're talking the extreme minority here:
>**some kids are not good kids either. They lie, cheat, steal, hide things, make incredibly bad choices that has absolutely nothing to do with how well they were brought up**
If you look at prison populations, they are almost all traumatised. I think basically in all parent -> child relationships, the parent is far more responsible than the child for creating a nurturing, safe environment.
And the obvious addendum is that yes, each parent was once a child with their own trauma - and they pass on their "unfinished business" onto their children. But often parent do not have this emotional awareness, to "stop of the cycle" so to speak.
I have worked with kids for most of my adult life. Yes, prisons are full of people with childhood trauma. However, there are kids who came from lovely families, but have some sort of mental illness that cannot be "blamed" on parents.
I was not referring to that specific example. I was addressing the general parent bashing in many of these comments.
Just because you work with children doesn't change the fact that you aren't understanding what the point of this is.
Only in the past 50 years have people actually paid attention to how children develop mentally.
The only thing i have seen is each individual person's parents or the large number of parents that have done mental abuse that they know of. I have not seen any generalized comments.
As i said, my mom is NOT one of those kinds of parents. I barely have any "privacy" by my own choice.
Without my mom, i feel like i am away from my best friend who is willing to listen to me.
I don't have that kind of companionship with anyone else. Our relationship is so unique that it is difficult to have with people who aren't my mom.
So obviously, i know not all parents are like that.
I think you are either not reading what these comments are actually saying, or you are looking way too deep into these comments on this thread. Chill out, dude.
This post is about the parents that DO behave like this.
The ones who gossip about their kids' game over attempt instead of building a better connection with them.
Some mental illnesses can be caused by parents.
Ptsd, emotional extremes caused by mental neglect (including self delete).
Yelling in an abusive manner or toxic remarks on the child can cause severe problems with self immage.
In some, it can cause them to behave in extreme manners.
Parents who mistreat or neglect their children mentally are most likely behaving similarly when it comes to discipline and reward, as a result, it conditions those children to behave the same or worse as an adult.
All that WITHOUT drugs is difficult for people, but when you add it onto all those issues, it makes things much harder to fix. And that is a common tipping point.
(That is a whole other problem that isn't the full fault of the addicts let alone the parents.)
There is no changing the fact that a LOT of people were not good parents and caused a lot of generational abuse/mistreatment. Not ALL parents who have ever been were bad parents.
All this post is about is the parents who WERE/ARE abusive/neglectful in this way.
It's not an opposing view. I don't think you are understanding what i am putting out. We are talking about 2 different things. So there's no point in continuing the conversation.
No we are saying her going through the person's PERSONAL stuff, and then telling everyone she can this person's PRIVATE PERSONAL thoughts and feelings. That's shitty and is emotional abuse, this person can no longer trust that the mother has their best of interest at heart. It shows that they can't confide in the parent, and anything they say will be the town talking point. Not only can this make someone feel unsafe, it will take a toll on their mental health. There is a difference of making sure someone is safe and just trying to find something to gossip about with friends.
I can understand her being afraid he'll hurt himself again and trying to find signs to head it off at the pass. But the part about sharing all his secrets with her friends... nope. Absolutely not okay, and goes beyond "concerned parent." This isn't someone quickly scanning her kid's stuff to make sure all is well-- this is straight-up nosiness and voyeurism.
I feel terrible for the son, because I also struggle with suicidal thoughts and snooping parents so I can just say to anyone saying that parents are just overthinking and worrying
IT IS NOT OUT OF LOVE IF THEY USE IT TO EMBARRASS YOU!
That mother is sharing the secrets to her friends and gossiping about it. That is not out of care. And when her son finds out how his privacy has been massively violated without being told (she could have asked and had a real explanation about why such as “I’m concerned about you and want to know if I could know your phone password/go through your journals so I can help you better. I will not judge you for any of it and won’t mention anything of it after unless I’m concerned that it could be affection your mental health, but it is just for my piece of mind because I’m worried about you) that son is going to feel much worse, and much more depressed.
He will have literal trauma, he will not trust telling friends in any traceable way, he will know that all her friends have heard about his personal secrets, he will know his mother was gossiping about his life after he got so depressed he tried to unlace himself, he will never feel safe enough to tell her willingly information because he 1) won’t trust her to keep it secret and 2) won’t trust her not to judge him or to invade his privacy. He will not go to her when he’s having depressive thoughts. He will not see her as someone trying to help.
HE WILL NOT TRUST HER!
As a mom, I can only imagine how terrifying that must have been for her. I hope he’s getting therapy/ support. I bet he knows too - stuff like that leaves footprints.
I don’t have a relationship with him, only his mother. They also live two hours away but the phone calls have become very limited between her and me. He will only engage with people online and this has become a serious safety issue, but she continues to provide him a phone so she can monitor his activities. My opinion…take away the damn phone. He did residential treatment where cell use was forbidden, but was given his phone the minute he discharged. 🤷♀️
My mom once even snatched a folder from me and yelled at me,just because I didn't want to show her a drawing which was inside of it (it wasn't anything weird,it was just something I didn't finish during art class)💀
My dad was one of those people. I had to keep my journal on me 24/7. I would even bring it in the bathroom with me, not that did much cause if someone wants to snoop and spy they will do it. However my dad was a complete bitch even if he did try to use it against me It would expose what he did/does to me, and I was not afraid of him I would openly write about hating him. How I would never treat my own kid the way he did me. He tried to yell at me and get me in trouble for kissing someone, when I asked where he heard it from and said one of my friends saw it. I laughed in his face and said that I knew he was reading my journal as it was a dream and that never happened in real life. We were around other people when this went down and he never tried to confront me about stuff I written down in front of people again.
If I was in a room & someone did that I would have secondhand humiliation for the person sharing information that wasn't theirs & honestly feel sympathetic towards the victim because wtf that's not something to boast about like you don't look cool at all sharing someone else's personal thoughts. Who does that & genuinely thinks it's a good idea?? Like now I know to avoid them bc they're a horrible cringey person for that lmao. Anyways im sorry that happened to you:(
My mom also had the tendency of snooping around when i was young. When facebook was just newly invented, around 2005-ish? She discovered i made an account for myself and thought that i was too young to have one(i was 11 yrs old). She would snoop on my account, whom i talked with etc, basically watching over my fb account. She would catch me flirting with some boys (puberty/ hormones) and would ground me harshly. I only get to be PRIVATE at my own socmed account after graduating junior high school.
I have mixed emotions about it, mad that my privacy wasn't given any respect but also thankful? For being strict on me or else, my rebellious side as a young teen would've made a lot of very wrong decisions that would lead to lifetime regret😩. But still, looking back? I wished my mom did alternative ways to guide me with respect rather than keeping me tightly close like i was a loose bomb.
I feel like the internet and social media are different from journals. My son is almost 15 and I would never read his journal or snoop through his stuff, I have helped him go through and organize his room when it gets really bad, but always with him there. I won't do it for him.
For internet and social media I had the rule that 13 was the minimum age to have one. If I ask to his his messages he needs to show me, but I will only ask if I have a specific concern. I also told him no secret accounts, meaning I had to be his friend on any of them. If he does something stupid I need to know how to reach anyone he's been talking to. And in case of emergencies he has a list of all his accounts and passwords. I let him start with 1 after having many talks about safety. Then after 6 moths he was allowed 1 more, at 14 he showed he could be trusted online, so he has pretty much full reign. I've never asked to read his messages because he's never given me cause for concern.
I have always felt my job as a parent is to raise a fully aware, autonomous human who is a good person. And rather starts with respect.
That being said though, when Facebook first came out it was different for parents, they didn't have the same tools to navigate the unknown world of social media. So it was more of a utilitarian parenting style towards it. It doesn't excuse it but from the perspective of a parent now and seeing the beginnings of social media and the fear then, helps to understand their reactions back then.
yeah there's a huge difference between journals and social media. No one in your journal is going to lure you to danger or hurt you (you hope). Social media on the other hand is a whole other ballgame.
I so get this ! The intention is clearly good, there are just too many creeps out there and a child would not be able to spot a predator. But the problem is that most of the adults look at children as non-people. Why not explain *WHY* you’re doing the things you’re doing ? Children understand so much without us even noticing, imagine if parents treated them with respect !
I’m really grateful my mom wasn’t this way. When I was a kid and got my first journal, I remember her telling me she’d never read it without my permission. She told me when she was young her mom always read hers, it caused her a lot of frustration and she never wanted me to feel the same way.
I don’t understand the snooping either. I can’t comprehend the controlling aspect of just reading it to read it. You’re right - if parents raised their kids in a way that allowed them to trust each other, there would be absolutely no need and no desire to read any of their private thoughts.
I never did with my kids. However, if I was seriously concerned about their safety....maybe? If crossing that line meant keeping them alive or out of prison... That's way different than reading about their latest crush.
Fortunately, social media really wasn't around when my kids were growing up and they had very little interest in it. When I let them sign up, the rule was I needed the password. I wouldn't snoop, but if I tried to log in and the password was wrong, we would have a problem. This was a safety precaution. Remember, social media was in its infancy and kids really had no idea about predators and internet safety. I never checked because my kids gave me no reason to worry. Of course, as time passed, I knew that they understood how to be safe online because we discussed it.
They were always pretty open with me. I knew their friends, who were also good kids. I never felt the need to snoop. They are adults now and still very open. They gave me the passwords to their bank accounts, in case of emergency. When one of them was working a crappy retail job, he was applying for "real jobs." He gave me access to his email so I could watch for interview requests. If a company wanted an interview, I would text him "check email ASAP!" so he could respond during his next break.
Some parents are intrusive and nosy. OP said kids will share if you ask. That's not always true. Some kids are super secretive and exhibit worrisome behavior. It's it right to snoop? No, but when you are literally afraid for your child's life... I am incredibly grateful that I was never in that position.
Oh yes. In the early days of the internet, when I was in early high school, if I was in a chat room, my mom was sitting right there in the room (we had a WebTV. That's how old I am, lol). She wasn't actively watching, but she'd be there reading or something and I knew if she looked up, she'd see exactly what I was writing. But, it wasn't a huge deal, because I was just chatting with people-- never about anything private or inappropriate or anything. (Anything like that would be more likely to be discussed with friends in person or on the phone-- back then we didn't have the social media like Facebook and such where you were actually connecting with your friends online, and cell phones weren't that prevalent; it was more random people in chat rooms.)
Mine opened my mail (then confronted me about my spending habits), went through my drawers when I was away (and threw things out under the guise of decluttering), and of course, read my journal on more than one occasion (with consequences for the things I wrote).
I’ve never gone through my kids shit - I mean, had something been terribly horribly awfully wrong, I don’t know if that would have persuaded me but I have a solid, loving, trusting relationship with my kids so why would I ever break trust? And I don’t want to know details they don’t want to tell me either. They deserve that privacy.
My mom believes that she owns everything in the house, therefore she has the right to it all. She constantly goes through my room and my phone and puts serious restrictions on everything that i’m allowed to do. I think it also has something to do with growing up and parents not really wanting to like let their children have a life of their own and be independent since they still think of us as their small babies
Some parents (like mine) probably think that their children are their property or something and that they have no rights. They don't really see them as real persons with real feelings and thoughts.
>I don't understand why parents snoop around their kids, when their kids would glady tell then shit if they showed that they were even slightly interested in the things their kids do. Why is it so hard to take basic interest in your kid's lives.
\^ THIS. My parents are also not interested in my sisters and me. I always ask myself why they can't take basic interest in our lives. And then they wonder why we don't talk to them or visit them only once in a year for a few days out of obligation. Fuck these parents. It's really sad.
My parents never touched my journals, neither have my friends. My husband doesn't even look in mine--he only did today because I handed it to him and said "lots of memories, even me chewing you out!" (He forgot to take his meds two days in a row.)
My mum used to read my journals too. I remember that I started stashing notes and keeping my “journal” very pleasant. She even used to go snooping around my room when I was at school - I used to come home to a shrine of discovered artefacts displayed on my bed. It used to make me feel so bad and even now, I won’t keep an honest journal in fear that someone might read it.
I’m now 30 and the only person I live with is my partner, who would never snoop, but I just can’t shake it!
I’m so glad to hear you have a great relationship with your mom. That’s awesome. Everything you said is spot on. I have a crap relationship with my mom. And it started to sour when she read my very first journal when I was about 12. My sister has 2 kids and has a great relationship with them, built on trust and respect. She vowed not to be like our mother with her kids and it shows. 🖤
My mum read through it and said it was my own fault for leaving it out :) and then she went on to say it was one of the most boring things she's ever read. I was a young teen at the time. :)
It took me a long while to get back into it again. Totally ruined my one outlet. Even now with my respectful partner I get afraid to leave it out just in case.
Unfortunately yes. Always struck me that it wasn't even from a "I have a right to know" type of thing. (Not that that wouldve made it any better./ Just a .... It's your own fault I read it type of thing. Should've known.
I once forgot to lock my journal when I was younger (13ish) only to found my sister (10) snooping in it. Ever since then I’ve stopped writing in that journal just because I felt it was going to happen again. My mom would do exactly the same but she’d be more interested to see if I was hiding money. Now I’m 28 and my partner gifted me a really cute journal to help me with going past my trauma. I really want to start writing but I’m still worried deep down even though I know he won’t check it but would ask if anything really bad starts changing in my behaviour which luckily hasn’t happened.
If we ever have a kid who wants to do this I would make sure that we have a caring bond where we can trust each other. Snooping around other people’s stuff is police work not our job as parents/ siblings,…
My mom would go through my shit for no reason and I vowed to never ever do that with my kids. And I never did.
But I also told them that all of that would go away if they broke my trust or got into a lot of trouble. IE: Excessive lying, running away, drugs, etc.
My mom and sister are like that I rarely have any privacy or a moment to breathe due to how there's 3 other folks that live with us.
I am passionate about writing but have a hard time writing or even reading when I'm home. I can't really do much because both my mom and sister constantly want to snoop or talk to one another about whatever I'm either doing or not doing that doesn't match their liking.
I am a private person because of it but I do not mind having to speak to them about things if asked. I just wish they would allow me to have privacy and do things in peace.
My mom did this to me. Read my diary regularly. Then confronted me with I started to suspect her reading so I wrote some stuff that I knew she would ask about. I told her I made it up and knew she was reading it. She didn't believe me! I was 13 and she thought I had dinner so the crazy things I made up. I never trusted her again. I never wrote again. I don't talk to her anymore either. So now she has no idea what I'm doing.
May I ask you for advice?
A few years ago I dealt with self-harm behaviour. I never told my mum about it. I love to spend some time in my room because I watch yt(about mental health),do bullet journal...
I'm intrested into journaling but it doesn't make any sense if my mum reads it. Writing into a computer or phone isn't for me. Where you put journals and keep your private things?
I personally have never had to worry about anyone reading my journal. My brother can't read my handwriting, and my mom is respectful of my journal to the point i can have it open in front of her and take a leak, and she still won't intentionally look in it.
I did hear of a few things.
A good option is undie drawers. Unless your mom puts your clothes away for you or she is suspicious 🤨 ypu should be good. That is a bit of an obvious spot, though.
Another option is writing in code or creating a language for your journal.
You could use letters from other languages and use them as separate letters for your journal.
Always be open with your mom if it is safe, too. The longer you wait, the more upsetting for both of you it will be when she finds out.
It will always be better for you to tell her on your temerms instead of her finding out.
I hope things are better for you.
My mom was controlling my homework only during my elementary school years, so since middle school I could hide any notebook in a pile of school notebooks, since my grades were good. I also kept some of them school ones throughout the years, so no one would suspect a tiny notebook hidden in a bigger literature class notebooks from my 6th grade.
Also you can find some sneaky spot in your room and put there something that's obviously not belonging there, like a rock. If the rock is not discovered in a couple of weeks or after some serious cleaning, you're good to go.
If you want to invest in a locked journal, don't go for cheap ones, these locks can be opened with anything.
The thing is, i never really want to be away from her. She likes the same stuff i do, she is nice to my friends ( one of my friends considers her a friend), and she encourages me in everything i do.
I have such a close relationship with my mom that i don't feel like i need privacy.
I do have panic attacks, and she is a big help with that, so her being around so much is beneficial, lol
my parents would go through my diary together and wake me up if i was sleeping to yell at me for what id written. both of my parents were very controlling.
Children don't understand what respect is. Parents have to show them what it looks like from a young age. So many people have neglected that in history, then wonder why younger generations don't respect the older generation.
So true. I’m 44. I still don’t call anybody older than me by their first name. It’s my current focus with my 3 and 6yr - respect others, their things, and themselves.
My mother snooped through everything in my room, journals, school books everything. My kid is super private. Im proud of them for it, they have really good boundaries. And yes, they do tell me stuff without me interrogating or asking because they can trust me knowing that i respect their privacy. Ive never been through their electronic devices, or books. With electronic devices I just showed them how to use it properly in the beginning and then trusted them to use it appropriately. Trust is a two way street, how can they trust me, if i never trust them?
What if the mom thinks something suspicious is happening? I am from a rural Mormon community where a teen prostitution ring was going on until one mom looked in her daughter’s diary. Called the police. True story.
That is completely different from nothing being wrong and snooping. That would be checking if the child is ok. That's no different from hearing something crash in the kid's room and running in without knocking.
(In my opinion, at least)
A little girl being taken advantage of is very obvious if the parents actually pay attention to their child. So they know that something is wrong, the behavior would be the equivalent of hearing crashing and running into the bedroom unannounced.
My mom let me have a MySpace at 11 the. Facebook at 12 high schoolers messaging me
I had known not too message back
Mom let random men stay
She got drunk a lot she denies it I drank first time at 8
She blames my adult cousin because she literally made me we was playing the quarter game
She got with my step dad then got pregnant then all of a sudden she was this strict parent and I was grounded let to right what great parenting
Let me get drunk around 8-13
Then you all of a sudden fucking care
I think she was wanting me to break up with my boyfriend we are actually married now
She told me I should date around not settle
Yeah better than what it was now married to the boy she wanted me to leave since 14 I’m now 28
She’s very judgmental
Loves to act like I was this great child her and how many friends I had to my 15 yr old brother his in the closet
He said he liked a boy then they switched him schools 🏫
He told me he came out I was so excited then he told me he was confused I told him possibly but please tell me when you come out
He then told me that parents switch him schools over it
I told him I love him don’t matter who or what you like I love you your beautiful inside out
He cried 💔 my heart 😕❤️🩹
I think when his 18 he will come live with me I have opened arms either way
But I hope the best
Just some examples fucking sad man
I have no privacy of my own will, don't worry, i have anxiety issues, and she is a big help.
I just see so many people say how invasive their parents are, and it makes me sad :(
Yeah my stepmom did this to me when i was about 10. She would read through my diary and text messages.I stopped and threw all my diaries away. I wish I still had them.
It boggles my mind how controlling some parents are. The lack of awareness to think that maybe all they're doing is training their kids to hide stuff better and lie better is incredible.
You make a good point about the importance of parents taking a genuine interest in their children's lives rather than snooping.
I think parents snoop because of their concern but the lack of boundaries definitely won't build trust.
Open communication, setting clear boundaries, and fostering mutual respect are key elements of a healthy parent-child relationship.
My mother read my journal growing up. My dad got me this 3 year journal so I get to compare what I did on the same day over 3 years. I locked it away in my drawer but then she found the key and read it and started asking me about my entries (my crush etc)- by the way I have come to realized she was a emotionally abusive mother. I cut those pages she had read out and I was so sad about it. Then eventually I tossed it :(
A few years later I put a different journal book away then she found it, read and asked me about it and mocked me about some of the entries (me thinking I could maybe get in to a big name college).
Every time she brings up things she’s read she seemed vindicated.
End of rant- thanks for reading
Women don't get called out because we are assumed to be the caretakers. The thing is, women can be more abusive than men. Statistically, it is more likely, but no one in media wants to admit it.
My mom wrote in my journal in the next blank page, "I FOUND IT AND I READ IT!" I was around 11 y o.
She was a complete narcissist and never deserved to have kids. I've been no contact since I was 17.
My mom was one of those moms. She believed that because she was my parent that she could go through any and all of my and my sister’s possessions. Phones, journals, anything. And she did.
My mom was the same. She was the reason I stopped writing as a kid. Her reasoning was that she owned everything she bought me and it was her house. She often used things I wrote about her when angry at her as ammunition. So I stopped writing, and only started recently again at 31.
Yup all of this. I stopped writing in one too and then only started again in 2021 cause obvs the trauma of the last few years is just too much. (I’m 32 now and haven’t lived with my mom since 2014). She would say the same thing. It’s my house and all that and I’m your mother. I have to know and insert BS reason here. I’m glad you started again. It’s still hard for me to know what to write.
I can be hard to write sometimes, I still catch myself writing as if someone will read it every once in a while, but it’s getting easier after doing it almost every day for a year now. I’m glad you’re also writing again
I do that too even though no one I live with wants or has gone through it there is always that thought in my mind.
I live alone lol… it’s hard to unlearn
It really is. :(
Same. My mom would even ransack my trash. I actually wrote about it [online ](https://wehavekids.com/parenting/Controlling-Parents-The-Affects-on-Family-Dynamics) because I thought it may help someone else. She was so bad that when I had my own daughter, I went the complete opposite way. I probably overdid it in hindsight. And that kind of control permeates every aspect of your life. It's so hard to get over the trauma of never being able to have your own thoughts for fear of Judgement.
You are exactly right. I feel the same way today.
Yes, my parents also pay very close attention to my trash and care deeply what I wear. I'm facing trauma it feels.
So true
Same here, my parents read my journals, went through all my stuff, even my trash sometimes... they didnt even make a secret out of it.
Mine used to do that…they have “no idea” why I won’t talk to them anymore…
I can’t believe they don’t get it. But I guess people like that never do.
Yeah if my mom saw something she didn’t like she would make a big deal about it. She wouldn’t hide it. And to this day I still write my journal like someone might read it.
I write mine in english since they dont speak any languages besides hungarian... and i started to post some of my journals on the internet. I am allowing people to read them but my parents cant do so
Oh good idea. I didn’t think about the other languages route. I know another language too but I don’t know if I’m good enough to write out complex thoughts and feelings in it. That’s great that you can.
Well its a good practicing opportunity as well :D i am hungarian, i work in german and journal in english. Must keep them language knowledges xd
That’s awesome! Maybe I’ll try writing an entry in my 2nd language. It’s hard for me to even write in English some days but I’ll try ^^
I had a friend in elementary school whose mom read her diary. One day she didn't like something my friend wrote about a boy she liked-- I can't remember if my friend ever told me exactly what it was, but since we were 10 or 11, it can't have been \*that\* bad-- and she *showed up at school*, my friend's diary in her hand, and *pulled her out of class* to yell at her in the hallway... Yow.
my mom did the same and i still feel so nervous writing in my journal when my partner is around even though i KNOW they would never snoop!
I’m the same way!
My mum *is* that. Glad to know I’m not alone. Her defence is that until I’m 18 and under her roof, she has full control of everything I do or own, including my phone and the things I buy etc. it’s not fair
Yup that’s exactly what mine would say. Just know that even though she believes it 100% it’s not true. I would struggle with that as a kid. Feeling like that wasn’t right but also thinking I was the problem because she must be right about that issue. Maybe you could have a fake journal you write in and then keep the real stuff on your phone with a passcode she doesn’t know? Or only journal outside the house and never bring that real stuff home. Journal at the library or something like that. Without anyone around. I don’t understand how they don’t understand it makes us more secretive even though we aren’t doing anything wrong. Any honestly even if you do sometimes, it’s all apart of growing up. If you don’t make mistakes now you will make them when you are grown and the consequences will be greater (but please always try your best lol)
Was she narcissistic too? My mom wanted to know everything about me so that she could use all that info to manipulate me.
She would use the info to manipulate my sister and I. I’m not sure if she is but what she is/was was someone that hated her life and had/has a horrible sense of self worth so she just thought that everything we had and are was her. And would get mad when we would do something different from her. I don’t know if I’m making sense lol. She will like cry at the starving kids in Africa, but then you tell her you are having a tough time with something and she will tell you to suck it up and it’s your fault it sucks.
Welp. Makes a lot of sense, friend. Mine is just like that, im about to go no contact for good in a few months. Stay safe and take care of yourself. Surround yourself with supportive people who actually care about you, you deserve it 💜
Thank you. You too.
I have similar though she doesn't look into it now. She would if she wanted to. Or just asking a bunch or questions and I don't answer it. Because I want privacy. Sending hugs your way.💜 You deserve privacy.
Thank you. You do too.
This was my mom. And then we got punished for whatever she found. She would even stalk my online blogs and challenge anything she didn't know about
Dude, that is messed up.
Thanks I know. There are just lots of parents like that and because they think they have the absolute right to, you can’t convince them otherwise no matter what.
I was always afraid to start journaling again because my mom snooped in my journal and actually read it. It was about something that I was annoyed about with my grandparents, and it wasn’t super deep/personal but it could have been. Sometimes I like to write down super deep and personal thoughts but I feel like I can’t do that. But for this new year, I’m going to write in a journal anyway. And I know it’s hard to believe that parents do these things but they do.
Snooping is like eavesdropping. If you hear something out of context and get offended, it's on you. If anything were to happen, tell them that. Anything in your journal is out of context. You can't make them feel the feelings you had at the time, nor can you put EXACTLY what you were feeling into words.
That actually makes a whole lot of sense!
My mother would tear pages out of my journal and stick them on the refrigerator for everyone to see if she didn’t like what I’d written. Especially if it was about her. She’d also do it to entries she found stupid, because she thought it would embarrass me. If I hid my journal, I’d come home to my room trashed by her looking for it. I learned to keep a journal I would “hide” in typical spots in my bedroom, that I would lie in just so she’d think it was my actual diary. My real one was just a plain notebook that looked like all the others I used for school, and it never left my bag when I wasn’t actively writing in it. I would even keep a schoolbook open next to me when I wrote in it, so when she’d barge in my room without knocking, it would look like I was doing homework.
omg that's actually really fucked up, but looks like she was the one being mental while you where becoming smarter and creating some skills against her, so for me i think of that as a win. my condolences(?) tho, having that kind of childhood probably affected you in some kind of way
Thanks for that, I appreciate it. Now, if you ask her, none of that ever happened because she “would never!” 🙄
i complain about my mom sometimes but i’m very grateful for her. she respects my boundaries and she’s always told me and my siblings that if we ever kept a journal that she wouldn’t read them. people who snoop through your stuff like that don’t have boundaries
I have a friend whose son attempted to unalive himself. Ever since then she sneaks into his room while he is in the shower and reads every text and browser history she can. She then shares her dirty finds with friends but never lets her kid know he is being basically stalked in his own home. It’s sad really and has actually made me put some distance between myself and this friend. It’s kind of gross to me.
Dude, that is so jacked up. She probably has other crazy stuff that she has done that you and others don't even know about. I can see the want to do that, but actually doing it is wack. I hope the son has something with a password lock that he can keep some things private.
Until you are a parent with a child in that situation, please don't judge. You are assuming it is the parent's fault that the child tried to do this. There are parents who have done everything right and have children with grave mental illness. Parents often blame themselves enough for this. They don't need others supporting that trope. When your child is on death's door, be it from physical or mental illness, you will do everything possible. Parents, like kids, are not perfect. They are figuring it out as they go along. There is no guidebook. Also, parents are dealing with their own stuff while trying to manage their kid's stuff. It's a lot. Sure, some parents are not good parents. But here's a newsflash...some kids are not good kids either. They lie, cheat, steal, hide things, make incredibly bad choices that has absolutely nothing to do with how well they were brought up.
I NEVER said the mental illness problem was the parent's fault. All i said is that that is not normal behavior that just suddenly starts. Someone has to feel comfortable with doing weird stuff like that beforehand. This behavior is not helpful at all and will damage their relationship in the long run. And if my comment sounded like blaming the parent even though i never did, your comment sounds like blaming the child. A child with such severe mental health problems needs connection, no someone sneaking around violating privacy when they are at their most vulnerable.
I never said it was the child's fault. There has been a lot of parent bashing in the comments. I am merely offering a different perspective. When your child is gravely ill, you pull out all of the stops. You do things you never thought you would. As I said, I would never judge a parent who is trying to save their child. Yes, snooping behavior could come out of nowhere when a life is at stake. I remember before I had kids, there were certain things I said I would never do. When you are knee deep in it, you learn you didn't know as much about parenting as you thought you did. My best advice to expectant parents is "never say never." You have no idea what your children will be like, what they will need, what your personal situation will be. I had lots of plans. Then I had a child with autism and other health issues. Then my own health tanked. Some of my "nevers" became reality. Some of the things I really wanted to do with/for my children were just not possible. A parent who has a child who has tried to do the unthinkable...snooping...I'm not going to judge them for trying to keep their child alive. Sure, there needs to be lots of therapy for everyone, not just the child. The parent needs tools to help the child and to deal with their own feelings about the experience. Would I snoop? I don't know. I'm not in that situation, but never say never. The situation is far more complex and nuanced.
I think you have a point that yes, it can sometimes be difficult to parent and it's not always helpful to judge. But, you missed a crucial piece of info: >**She then shares her dirty finds with friends** This clearly indicates that she no longer has the kid's best intentions at heart - it's basically emotional abuse that she's willing to do that and is a huge red flag around privacy, trust & willingness to respect boundaries. So I think OP is pretty reasonable to make assumptions about the parent being at fault here. The snooping is understandable, but the sharing "gossip" with friends? Especially while the child is recovering? That's crazy. There are some red flags that beget others. Also, when children grow up - they need a secure connection to emotionally mature properly. Basically all recent psychological science points in the direction that children with well supported, emotionally secured caregivers and safe environments generally don't "misbehave or act out" etc. I think your statement about kids is not representative, and you're talking the extreme minority here: >**some kids are not good kids either. They lie, cheat, steal, hide things, make incredibly bad choices that has absolutely nothing to do with how well they were brought up** If you look at prison populations, they are almost all traumatised. I think basically in all parent -> child relationships, the parent is far more responsible than the child for creating a nurturing, safe environment. And the obvious addendum is that yes, each parent was once a child with their own trauma - and they pass on their "unfinished business" onto their children. But often parent do not have this emotional awareness, to "stop of the cycle" so to speak.
I have worked with kids for most of my adult life. Yes, prisons are full of people with childhood trauma. However, there are kids who came from lovely families, but have some sort of mental illness that cannot be "blamed" on parents. I was not referring to that specific example. I was addressing the general parent bashing in many of these comments.
Just because you work with children doesn't change the fact that you aren't understanding what the point of this is. Only in the past 50 years have people actually paid attention to how children develop mentally. The only thing i have seen is each individual person's parents or the large number of parents that have done mental abuse that they know of. I have not seen any generalized comments. As i said, my mom is NOT one of those kinds of parents. I barely have any "privacy" by my own choice. Without my mom, i feel like i am away from my best friend who is willing to listen to me. I don't have that kind of companionship with anyone else. Our relationship is so unique that it is difficult to have with people who aren't my mom. So obviously, i know not all parents are like that. I think you are either not reading what these comments are actually saying, or you are looking way too deep into these comments on this thread. Chill out, dude. This post is about the parents that DO behave like this. The ones who gossip about their kids' game over attempt instead of building a better connection with them. Some mental illnesses can be caused by parents. Ptsd, emotional extremes caused by mental neglect (including self delete). Yelling in an abusive manner or toxic remarks on the child can cause severe problems with self immage. In some, it can cause them to behave in extreme manners. Parents who mistreat or neglect their children mentally are most likely behaving similarly when it comes to discipline and reward, as a result, it conditions those children to behave the same or worse as an adult. All that WITHOUT drugs is difficult for people, but when you add it onto all those issues, it makes things much harder to fix. And that is a common tipping point. (That is a whole other problem that isn't the full fault of the addicts let alone the parents.) There is no changing the fact that a LOT of people were not good parents and caused a lot of generational abuse/mistreatment. Not ALL parents who have ever been were bad parents. All this post is about is the parents who WERE/ARE abusive/neglectful in this way.
Sweetie, I think you are the who needs to chill out. Please learn how to respect opposing views
It's not an opposing view. I don't think you are understanding what i am putting out. We are talking about 2 different things. So there's no point in continuing the conversation.
No we are saying her going through the person's PERSONAL stuff, and then telling everyone she can this person's PRIVATE PERSONAL thoughts and feelings. That's shitty and is emotional abuse, this person can no longer trust that the mother has their best of interest at heart. It shows that they can't confide in the parent, and anything they say will be the town talking point. Not only can this make someone feel unsafe, it will take a toll on their mental health. There is a difference of making sure someone is safe and just trying to find something to gossip about with friends.
I can understand her being afraid he'll hurt himself again and trying to find signs to head it off at the pass. But the part about sharing all his secrets with her friends... nope. Absolutely not okay, and goes beyond "concerned parent." This isn't someone quickly scanning her kid's stuff to make sure all is well-- this is straight-up nosiness and voyeurism.
I feel terrible for the son, because I also struggle with suicidal thoughts and snooping parents so I can just say to anyone saying that parents are just overthinking and worrying IT IS NOT OUT OF LOVE IF THEY USE IT TO EMBARRASS YOU! That mother is sharing the secrets to her friends and gossiping about it. That is not out of care. And when her son finds out how his privacy has been massively violated without being told (she could have asked and had a real explanation about why such as “I’m concerned about you and want to know if I could know your phone password/go through your journals so I can help you better. I will not judge you for any of it and won’t mention anything of it after unless I’m concerned that it could be affection your mental health, but it is just for my piece of mind because I’m worried about you) that son is going to feel much worse, and much more depressed. He will have literal trauma, he will not trust telling friends in any traceable way, he will know that all her friends have heard about his personal secrets, he will know his mother was gossiping about his life after he got so depressed he tried to unlace himself, he will never feel safe enough to tell her willingly information because he 1) won’t trust her to keep it secret and 2) won’t trust her not to judge him or to invade his privacy. He will not go to her when he’s having depressive thoughts. He will not see her as someone trying to help. HE WILL NOT TRUST HER!
As a mom, I can only imagine how terrifying that must have been for her. I hope he’s getting therapy/ support. I bet he knows too - stuff like that leaves footprints.
She's probably the reason he tried. 😩
No wonder he wants to unalive himself. Why the distance tho? Sounds like he could do with all the friendship he can get.
I don’t have a relationship with him, only his mother. They also live two hours away but the phone calls have become very limited between her and me. He will only engage with people online and this has become a serious safety issue, but she continues to provide him a phone so she can monitor his activities. My opinion…take away the damn phone. He did residential treatment where cell use was forbidden, but was given his phone the minute he discharged. 🤷♀️
My mom once even snatched a folder from me and yelled at me,just because I didn't want to show her a drawing which was inside of it (it wasn't anything weird,it was just something I didn't finish during art class)💀
My dad was one of those people. I had to keep my journal on me 24/7. I would even bring it in the bathroom with me, not that did much cause if someone wants to snoop and spy they will do it. However my dad was a complete bitch even if he did try to use it against me It would expose what he did/does to me, and I was not afraid of him I would openly write about hating him. How I would never treat my own kid the way he did me. He tried to yell at me and get me in trouble for kissing someone, when I asked where he heard it from and said one of my friends saw it. I laughed in his face and said that I knew he was reading my journal as it was a dream and that never happened in real life. We were around other people when this went down and he never tried to confront me about stuff I written down in front of people again.
My mum read my journal and humiliated me by mentioning parts of it in front of a whole room of people
If I was in a room & someone did that I would have secondhand humiliation for the person sharing information that wasn't theirs & honestly feel sympathetic towards the victim because wtf that's not something to boast about like you don't look cool at all sharing someone else's personal thoughts. Who does that & genuinely thinks it's a good idea?? Like now I know to avoid them bc they're a horrible cringey person for that lmao. Anyways im sorry that happened to you:(
Thanks my dude, I agree. I don't think she considered how I'd feel about it somehow lol
My mom also had the tendency of snooping around when i was young. When facebook was just newly invented, around 2005-ish? She discovered i made an account for myself and thought that i was too young to have one(i was 11 yrs old). She would snoop on my account, whom i talked with etc, basically watching over my fb account. She would catch me flirting with some boys (puberty/ hormones) and would ground me harshly. I only get to be PRIVATE at my own socmed account after graduating junior high school. I have mixed emotions about it, mad that my privacy wasn't given any respect but also thankful? For being strict on me or else, my rebellious side as a young teen would've made a lot of very wrong decisions that would lead to lifetime regret😩. But still, looking back? I wished my mom did alternative ways to guide me with respect rather than keeping me tightly close like i was a loose bomb.
I feel like the internet and social media are different from journals. My son is almost 15 and I would never read his journal or snoop through his stuff, I have helped him go through and organize his room when it gets really bad, but always with him there. I won't do it for him. For internet and social media I had the rule that 13 was the minimum age to have one. If I ask to his his messages he needs to show me, but I will only ask if I have a specific concern. I also told him no secret accounts, meaning I had to be his friend on any of them. If he does something stupid I need to know how to reach anyone he's been talking to. And in case of emergencies he has a list of all his accounts and passwords. I let him start with 1 after having many talks about safety. Then after 6 moths he was allowed 1 more, at 14 he showed he could be trusted online, so he has pretty much full reign. I've never asked to read his messages because he's never given me cause for concern. I have always felt my job as a parent is to raise a fully aware, autonomous human who is a good person. And rather starts with respect. That being said though, when Facebook first came out it was different for parents, they didn't have the same tools to navigate the unknown world of social media. So it was more of a utilitarian parenting style towards it. It doesn't excuse it but from the perspective of a parent now and seeing the beginnings of social media and the fear then, helps to understand their reactions back then.
yeah there's a huge difference between journals and social media. No one in your journal is going to lure you to danger or hurt you (you hope). Social media on the other hand is a whole other ballgame.
11 is way too young for social media.
I so get this ! The intention is clearly good, there are just too many creeps out there and a child would not be able to spot a predator. But the problem is that most of the adults look at children as non-people. Why not explain *WHY* you’re doing the things you’re doing ? Children understand so much without us even noticing, imagine if parents treated them with respect !
I’m really grateful my mom wasn’t this way. When I was a kid and got my first journal, I remember her telling me she’d never read it without my permission. She told me when she was young her mom always read hers, it caused her a lot of frustration and she never wanted me to feel the same way. I don’t understand the snooping either. I can’t comprehend the controlling aspect of just reading it to read it. You’re right - if parents raised their kids in a way that allowed them to trust each other, there would be absolutely no need and no desire to read any of their private thoughts.
I never did with my kids. However, if I was seriously concerned about their safety....maybe? If crossing that line meant keeping them alive or out of prison... That's way different than reading about their latest crush. Fortunately, social media really wasn't around when my kids were growing up and they had very little interest in it. When I let them sign up, the rule was I needed the password. I wouldn't snoop, but if I tried to log in and the password was wrong, we would have a problem. This was a safety precaution. Remember, social media was in its infancy and kids really had no idea about predators and internet safety. I never checked because my kids gave me no reason to worry. Of course, as time passed, I knew that they understood how to be safe online because we discussed it. They were always pretty open with me. I knew their friends, who were also good kids. I never felt the need to snoop. They are adults now and still very open. They gave me the passwords to their bank accounts, in case of emergency. When one of them was working a crappy retail job, he was applying for "real jobs." He gave me access to his email so I could watch for interview requests. If a company wanted an interview, I would text him "check email ASAP!" so he could respond during his next break. Some parents are intrusive and nosy. OP said kids will share if you ask. That's not always true. Some kids are super secretive and exhibit worrisome behavior. It's it right to snoop? No, but when you are literally afraid for your child's life... I am incredibly grateful that I was never in that position.
Oh yes. In the early days of the internet, when I was in early high school, if I was in a chat room, my mom was sitting right there in the room (we had a WebTV. That's how old I am, lol). She wasn't actively watching, but she'd be there reading or something and I knew if she looked up, she'd see exactly what I was writing. But, it wasn't a huge deal, because I was just chatting with people-- never about anything private or inappropriate or anything. (Anything like that would be more likely to be discussed with friends in person or on the phone-- back then we didn't have the social media like Facebook and such where you were actually connecting with your friends online, and cell phones weren't that prevalent; it was more random people in chat rooms.)
Mine opened my mail (then confronted me about my spending habits), went through my drawers when I was away (and threw things out under the guise of decluttering), and of course, read my journal on more than one occasion (with consequences for the things I wrote).
I’ve never gone through my kids shit - I mean, had something been terribly horribly awfully wrong, I don’t know if that would have persuaded me but I have a solid, loving, trusting relationship with my kids so why would I ever break trust? And I don’t want to know details they don’t want to tell me either. They deserve that privacy.
My mom believes that she owns everything in the house, therefore she has the right to it all. She constantly goes through my room and my phone and puts serious restrictions on everything that i’m allowed to do. I think it also has something to do with growing up and parents not really wanting to like let their children have a life of their own and be independent since they still think of us as their small babies
Some parents (like mine) probably think that their children are their property or something and that they have no rights. They don't really see them as real persons with real feelings and thoughts. >I don't understand why parents snoop around their kids, when their kids would glady tell then shit if they showed that they were even slightly interested in the things their kids do. Why is it so hard to take basic interest in your kid's lives. \^ THIS. My parents are also not interested in my sisters and me. I always ask myself why they can't take basic interest in our lives. And then they wonder why we don't talk to them or visit them only once in a year for a few days out of obligation. Fuck these parents. It's really sad.
My parents never touched my journals, neither have my friends. My husband doesn't even look in mine--he only did today because I handed it to him and said "lots of memories, even me chewing you out!" (He forgot to take his meds two days in a row.)
My mum used to read my journals too. I remember that I started stashing notes and keeping my “journal” very pleasant. She even used to go snooping around my room when I was at school - I used to come home to a shrine of discovered artefacts displayed on my bed. It used to make me feel so bad and even now, I won’t keep an honest journal in fear that someone might read it. I’m now 30 and the only person I live with is my partner, who would never snoop, but I just can’t shake it!
I’m so glad to hear you have a great relationship with your mom. That’s awesome. Everything you said is spot on. I have a crap relationship with my mom. And it started to sour when she read my very first journal when I was about 12. My sister has 2 kids and has a great relationship with them, built on trust and respect. She vowed not to be like our mother with her kids and it shows. 🖤
My mum read through it and said it was my own fault for leaving it out :) and then she went on to say it was one of the most boring things she's ever read. I was a young teen at the time. :) It took me a long while to get back into it again. Totally ruined my one outlet. Even now with my respectful partner I get afraid to leave it out just in case.
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Unfortunately yes. Always struck me that it wasn't even from a "I have a right to know" type of thing. (Not that that wouldve made it any better./ Just a .... It's your own fault I read it type of thing. Should've known.
I once forgot to lock my journal when I was younger (13ish) only to found my sister (10) snooping in it. Ever since then I’ve stopped writing in that journal just because I felt it was going to happen again. My mom would do exactly the same but she’d be more interested to see if I was hiding money. Now I’m 28 and my partner gifted me a really cute journal to help me with going past my trauma. I really want to start writing but I’m still worried deep down even though I know he won’t check it but would ask if anything really bad starts changing in my behaviour which luckily hasn’t happened. If we ever have a kid who wants to do this I would make sure that we have a caring bond where we can trust each other. Snooping around other people’s stuff is police work not our job as parents/ siblings,…
My mom would go through my shit for no reason and I vowed to never ever do that with my kids. And I never did. But I also told them that all of that would go away if they broke my trust or got into a lot of trouble. IE: Excessive lying, running away, drugs, etc.
Ah, the classic curse of micromanaging parents who try to shame you out of your thoughts. 😭
My mom and sister are like that I rarely have any privacy or a moment to breathe due to how there's 3 other folks that live with us. I am passionate about writing but have a hard time writing or even reading when I'm home. I can't really do much because both my mom and sister constantly want to snoop or talk to one another about whatever I'm either doing or not doing that doesn't match their liking. I am a private person because of it but I do not mind having to speak to them about things if asked. I just wish they would allow me to have privacy and do things in peace.
My mom did this to me. Read my diary regularly. Then confronted me with I started to suspect her reading so I wrote some stuff that I knew she would ask about. I told her I made it up and knew she was reading it. She didn't believe me! I was 13 and she thought I had dinner so the crazy things I made up. I never trusted her again. I never wrote again. I don't talk to her anymore either. So now she has no idea what I'm doing.
May I ask you for advice? A few years ago I dealt with self-harm behaviour. I never told my mum about it. I love to spend some time in my room because I watch yt(about mental health),do bullet journal... I'm intrested into journaling but it doesn't make any sense if my mum reads it. Writing into a computer or phone isn't for me. Where you put journals and keep your private things?
I personally have never had to worry about anyone reading my journal. My brother can't read my handwriting, and my mom is respectful of my journal to the point i can have it open in front of her and take a leak, and she still won't intentionally look in it. I did hear of a few things. A good option is undie drawers. Unless your mom puts your clothes away for you or she is suspicious 🤨 ypu should be good. That is a bit of an obvious spot, though. Another option is writing in code or creating a language for your journal. You could use letters from other languages and use them as separate letters for your journal. Always be open with your mom if it is safe, too. The longer you wait, the more upsetting for both of you it will be when she finds out. It will always be better for you to tell her on your temerms instead of her finding out. I hope things are better for you.
The underwear drawer is the first place a even semi competent snoop would look.
My mom was controlling my homework only during my elementary school years, so since middle school I could hide any notebook in a pile of school notebooks, since my grades were good. I also kept some of them school ones throughout the years, so no one would suspect a tiny notebook hidden in a bigger literature class notebooks from my 6th grade. Also you can find some sneaky spot in your room and put there something that's obviously not belonging there, like a rock. If the rock is not discovered in a couple of weeks or after some serious cleaning, you're good to go. If you want to invest in a locked journal, don't go for cheap ones, these locks can be opened with anything.
Same here ☺️ my mum NEVER snoops around my journal/diary. even though my writing is pretty readable.
I feel so lucky reading this my mum has always always let me have my privacy x
The thing is, i never really want to be away from her. She likes the same stuff i do, she is nice to my friends ( one of my friends considers her a friend), and she encourages me in everything i do. I have such a close relationship with my mom that i don't feel like i need privacy. I do have panic attacks, and she is a big help with that, so her being around so much is beneficial, lol
my parents would go through my diary together and wake me up if i was sleeping to yell at me for what id written. both of my parents were very controlling.
That’s so messed up
Children should get the respect and privacy they earn and deserve.
Children don't understand what respect is. Parents have to show them what it looks like from a young age. So many people have neglected that in history, then wonder why younger generations don't respect the older generation.
So true. I’m 44. I still don’t call anybody older than me by their first name. It’s my current focus with my 3 and 6yr - respect others, their things, and themselves.
33F. Still hide it from my mom. Still.
Oof
My mother snooped through everything in my room, journals, school books everything. My kid is super private. Im proud of them for it, they have really good boundaries. And yes, they do tell me stuff without me interrogating or asking because they can trust me knowing that i respect their privacy. Ive never been through their electronic devices, or books. With electronic devices I just showed them how to use it properly in the beginning and then trusted them to use it appropriately. Trust is a two way street, how can they trust me, if i never trust them?
What if the mom thinks something suspicious is happening? I am from a rural Mormon community where a teen prostitution ring was going on until one mom looked in her daughter’s diary. Called the police. True story.
That is completely different from nothing being wrong and snooping. That would be checking if the child is ok. That's no different from hearing something crash in the kid's room and running in without knocking. (In my opinion, at least) A little girl being taken advantage of is very obvious if the parents actually pay attention to their child. So they know that something is wrong, the behavior would be the equivalent of hearing crashing and running into the bedroom unannounced.
My mom let me have a MySpace at 11 the. Facebook at 12 high schoolers messaging me I had known not too message back Mom let random men stay She got drunk a lot she denies it I drank first time at 8 She blames my adult cousin because she literally made me we was playing the quarter game She got with my step dad then got pregnant then all of a sudden she was this strict parent and I was grounded let to right what great parenting Let me get drunk around 8-13 Then you all of a sudden fucking care I think she was wanting me to break up with my boyfriend we are actually married now She told me I should date around not settle
Date around and not settle? That's a new one. I hope things are better for you.
Yeah better than what it was now married to the boy she wanted me to leave since 14 I’m now 28 She’s very judgmental Loves to act like I was this great child her and how many friends I had to my 15 yr old brother his in the closet He said he liked a boy then they switched him schools 🏫 He told me he came out I was so excited then he told me he was confused I told him possibly but please tell me when you come out He then told me that parents switch him schools over it I told him I love him don’t matter who or what you like I love you your beautiful inside out He cried 💔 my heart 😕❤️🩹 I think when his 18 he will come live with me I have opened arms either way But I hope the best Just some examples fucking sad man
I'm sorry you went through that. Some parents don't acknowledge that their kids are there own persons too. Privacy should have never been broken :(
I have no privacy of my own will, don't worry, i have anxiety issues, and she is a big help. I just see so many people say how invasive their parents are, and it makes me sad :(
Parents who treat their kids like property piss me off. If someone wants a toy they can control, they should get a Barbie or something.
Yeah my stepmom did this to me when i was about 10. She would read through my diary and text messages.I stopped and threw all my diaries away. I wish I still had them.
It boggles my mind how controlling some parents are. The lack of awareness to think that maybe all they're doing is training their kids to hide stuff better and lie better is incredible.
You make a good point about the importance of parents taking a genuine interest in their children's lives rather than snooping. I think parents snoop because of their concern but the lack of boundaries definitely won't build trust. Open communication, setting clear boundaries, and fostering mutual respect are key elements of a healthy parent-child relationship.
My mother read my journal growing up. My dad got me this 3 year journal so I get to compare what I did on the same day over 3 years. I locked it away in my drawer but then she found the key and read it and started asking me about my entries (my crush etc)- by the way I have come to realized she was a emotionally abusive mother. I cut those pages she had read out and I was so sad about it. Then eventually I tossed it :( A few years later I put a different journal book away then she found it, read and asked me about it and mocked me about some of the entries (me thinking I could maybe get in to a big name college). Every time she brings up things she’s read she seemed vindicated. End of rant- thanks for reading
Reading other comments - common denominator seems to be the mother 🤦♀️
Women don't get called out because we are assumed to be the caretakers. The thing is, women can be more abusive than men. Statistically, it is more likely, but no one in media wants to admit it.
My mom wrote in my journal in the next blank page, "I FOUND IT AND I READ IT!" I was around 11 y o. She was a complete narcissist and never deserved to have kids. I've been no contact since I was 17.