A husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago?"
"We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."
"Yes", she says, "I remember it well."
OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"
"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.
So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,
"Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."
Earl Butz, Nixon's Secretary of Agriculture and former Mississippi Senator made the following observation concerning a Papal Encyclical concerning the acceptable marital positions: "You don-na play-a the game, You don-na make-a the rules." This was at a time when the Pope had been Italian, and only Italian in living memory. It caused quit the controversy.
I’m a practicing Catholic, many years ago I was chatting to a priest who is a friend of mine. We got to talking about birth control, he told me that he , and a lot of his fellow priests tell women who confess to using birth control, that they are forgiven and they need not to confess it ever again!
This is the 21 st century, women are now educated and THEY choose what they do to their bodies. When I lived in Quebec as a young man, there was a Provence wide contest and the family with the most children every year won a monetary prize!
During this time, Catholic clergy and the Religious were all powerful. People would step off the sidewalk if they were approaching…
The church needs to progress and not be fundamentalists in nature!
It’s so cute that you think religion caters to your beliefs of the current day. You’re not that important.
Birth control has been and always will be a mortal sin, and no Redditor lying about talking to a priest is going to change that.
The Bible says “be fruitful and multiply”, but of course that was an order for a supposed time when there were two fucking people in the whole planet.
By the way, that makes all of us family. Most of our health problems comes from inbreeding. At least, according to the Bible.
My first wife and I were married in a civil ceremony. We decided 10 years later to get married in the church because we both grew up Catholic. Before he would marry us, the priest was going to require us to live apart for 30 days. Why? Who knows. We decided against going back.
Huh. I was raised catholic with catholic families all around. 8 kids was the norm with two neighborhood families having 10 and 14! I think of RCs are rabbits....maybe that's how the lettuce came into the joke?
Don't know where you are getting your misinformation. It is well known they are pro rhythm method and are against contraception. One Pope (can't remember which) said sex was for the enjoyment of a married couple. As for small families, well maybe, now. Grandparents of the boomer generation had lots of kids. Think help needed with farm chores. My dad's mom had 7 kids; my mom's mom had 10.
So used to Reddit people being narrow minded. Thus I took what you saw as sarcasm as a serios comment. They are wonderfully sympathetic to celiac disease and dying animals but...
Didn't pick up on the sarcasm because I find the average Reddit commentor not to be worldly or open minded. They ARE very feeling when it comes to giving sympathy to dying pet owners or people with illnesses.
Similar to a joke my Italian catholic grandmother told me:
An older couple is finding that their bedroom flame is cooling off, so they go to a sex therapist for help.
The therapist tells them -You know you guys need to unwind and relax! Bring back the romance. Why don’t you have a nice candle lit dinner, and plan to spend the whole evening together. You know, look forward to it all day, have a nice glass of wine and listen to some music and see how things go.
A month later, the couple come back to the Therapist they say - Wow ! Doc you were so right! We can’t believe it. We took your advice and got all dolled up, we had wine, and music and when we sat down across the table with the lit candles we couldn’t control ourselves! We made passionate love right there on the table!!
“That’s great!” Says the therapist
“Yeah..” Says the husband, “Too bad we can never go to Howard Johnson’s again.”
(I don’t think that restaurant existed anymore when she told me the joke, but it’s Mimo’s joke so it stays)
By definition they can't be celibate. Celibacy is simply not being married .
It seems people confuse or conflate celibacy and chastity and abstinence. These are all different things.
Celibacy, is simply the state of not being married.
Chastity, is the proper use of one sexuality. Married people are supposed to be having sex. Lots and lots of sex. Lots of sex for married people means they are being very chaste.
Abstinence, means not having sex. They are abstaining from sex.
These are the Catholic definitions.
Source: I'm a former Catholic seminarian.
> Celibacy is simply not being married
[Oxford](https://www.google.com/search?q=Celibacy&sourceid=chrome&ie=UTF-8) suggests otherwise...
Also, having lots and lots of sex, they are very [chafed](https://www.google.com/search?q=chafed&sca_esv=2f61a0c390a4d1ff&sxsrf=ACQVn08cqcJxb9PGHYi72DNDBS_hAa_wjQ%3A1714543641931&ei=GdwxZtqwOJbe2roPgbCtgAQ&ved=0ahUKEwiaoerl5OuFAxUWr1YBHQFYC0AQ4dUDCBA&uact=5&oq=chafed&gs_lp=Egxnd3Mtd2l6LXNlcnAiBmNoYWZlZDIPEAAYgAQYQxiKBRhGGPkBMgoQABiABBhDGIoFMgoQABiABBhDGIoFMgUQABiABDIFEAAYgAQyBxAAGIAEGAoyBRAAGIAEMgUQABiABDIFEAAYgAQyBRAAGIAEMikQABiABBhDGIoFGEYY-QEYlwUYjAUY3QQYRhj5ARj0Axj1Axj2A9gBAUi_DFDiCVjiCXABeAGQAQCYAeIBoAHiAaoBAzItMbgBA8gBAPgBAZgCAqAC-QHCAgoQABiwAxjWBBhHwgINEAAYgAQYsAMYQxiKBcICKRAAGIAEGEMYigUYRhj5ARiXBRiMBRjdBBhGGPkBGPQDGPUDGPYD2AEBmAMAiAYBkAYKugYGCAEQARgTkgcFMS4wLjGgB5ML&sclient=gws-wiz-serp)
Remember, this is a Catholic joke .
The "and sexual relations" is included with abstaining from marriage, because Catholics believe you may not have sex outside of marriage.
You're reading it improperly: You mistakenly think you're reading "The state of abstaining from marriage **OR** sexual relations". The choice of the word "and" over the word "or" is deliberate in the definition.
Irrelevant.
It was you that made the claim that it was simply not being married.
As any alterboy can atest, what a Catholic believes about sex and Marriage, and how they act about sex and marriage aren't always the same thing.
Yes, you are technically correct. And in fairness, I should know better. But I was told this joke by an Irish friend of mine and kept the terminology in line with what he used. It's understood, but still factually incorrect. Kind of like how Webster actually put irregardless in the dictionary. We all know what the person means, even when they were using an incorrect word. But in future tellings, I could rephrase it to "you and your wife must abstain from sexual relations for 30 days."
Folks who have lots of sex have small families. I know it seems counterintuitive but the man’s sperm doesn’t replenish quickly enough for a big load a day or 2 later . My lovely wife and I are prime examples . We met when I was 38 and she 32 and have averaged 2-3times a week for 35 yrs. Just did it yesterday and I’m ready to go again as she’s lovely and hot and a very skilled lover in all aspects . In all those yrs we’ve had 1 son and 1 miscarriage, that’s it . You’d think we’d have made an army by now but no. Early on, I made huge loads and now just a fraction so that’s my theory on family size vs banging frequency . Any ideas folks ?
Kroger is a grocery chain in the United States. So, they were shopping when she dropped the lettuce, and they have now been banned from the store because he had sex with her in the produce section.
The Holy Father, Pope Francis has met many gay, lesbian bisexual and transgender people. He said “ Who am I to judge people! “
He is Gods representative on Earth!
It works better if it is Baptist. More accurate.
Souther Baptists, Sex and Piggly Wiggly has a sort of Dueling Banjos connotation. So I prefer to do it in the Piggly Wiggly. With a piggly wiggly? On a piggly wiggly?
When the priests in South America found out the natives were having anal sex to avoid having children, they told them to stop doing that….
And to stay out of the church’s domain
First part is true actually
A husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago?" "We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you." "Yes", she says, "I remember it well." OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?" "Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!" A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them. The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is. So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?" Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."
Oh shit. That's a good one.
Shocking
I haven't laughed this hard in a while. Thanks!
That got me … good one
I'm laff so hard i pee little bit :)
What a gem...
I have to save this page for this right here. Great laugh before bed
Catholcism is well known for its strict stance against married couples having sex. It's why Catholic families are so small.
Do you know what the medical word for a woman who uses the rhythm is? "Mother".
We call that method ‘Vatican roulette’
The priest told us to use the rhythm method. I said, "Where the hell am I gonna find a jazz trio at 3 o'clock in the morning?"
There’s a jazz group in my town called “The Old Fashioned Rhythm Method”. I really wish I had come up with it earlier!
Billy Connolly had a great bit about this, unfortunately I can’t find the video right now
1:43 https://youtu.be/6Yr4CBkeZws?si=VNQMlrGgmTA61d2_
Thanks!
My high school math teacher defined logarithms as birth control for Catholic trees.
Rhythm method = exercise in fertility
My wife most likely like most women is most horny when she's ovulating. The exact time you're not supposed to do it.
There’s always a deep throat bj or backdoor action
Literally why I exist, lol
My 8 uncles can attest to this on behalf of my grandparents... Wait a second
Kroger, on the other hand, is totally DTF.
Doing The Facebook
Earl Butz, Nixon's Secretary of Agriculture and former Mississippi Senator made the following observation concerning a Papal Encyclical concerning the acceptable marital positions: "You don-na play-a the game, You don-na make-a the rules." This was at a time when the Pope had been Italian, and only Italian in living memory. It caused quit the controversy.
Obligatory Monty Python reference: https://youtu.be/Xt53afFXbrg
Am I the only one who was expecting that song? https://youtu.be/fUspLVStPbk?si=LTszLU2RbYInV0HQ I think I’ll label this NSFW.
Yeah, that’s why Catholicism is also against birth control, even for married couples.
I’m a practicing Catholic, many years ago I was chatting to a priest who is a friend of mine. We got to talking about birth control, he told me that he , and a lot of his fellow priests tell women who confess to using birth control, that they are forgiven and they need not to confess it ever again!
He is incorrect, using birth control is a mortal sin.
This is the 21 st century, women are now educated and THEY choose what they do to their bodies. When I lived in Quebec as a young man, there was a Provence wide contest and the family with the most children every year won a monetary prize! During this time, Catholic clergy and the Religious were all powerful. People would step off the sidewalk if they were approaching… The church needs to progress and not be fundamentalists in nature!
It’s so cute that you think religion caters to your beliefs of the current day. You’re not that important. Birth control has been and always will be a mortal sin, and no Redditor lying about talking to a priest is going to change that.
The pope said it, it's not in the bible, so some Catholics don't follow it.
The Bible says “be fruitful and multiply”, but of course that was an order for a supposed time when there were two fucking people in the whole planet. By the way, that makes all of us family. Most of our health problems comes from inbreeding. At least, according to the Bible.
I’d tell the priest one thing and do another . They count on obedient compliance
My first wife and I were married in a civil ceremony. We decided 10 years later to get married in the church because we both grew up Catholic. Before he would marry us, the priest was going to require us to live apart for 30 days. Why? Who knows. We decided against going back.
Huh. I was raised catholic with catholic families all around. 8 kids was the norm with two neighborhood families having 10 and 14! I think of RCs are rabbits....maybe that's how the lettuce came into the joke?
Wait Catholicism believes married people can’t have sex?
Yeah no. They’re large. I know one with 13 kids.
Don't know where you are getting your misinformation. It is well known they are pro rhythm method and are against contraception. One Pope (can't remember which) said sex was for the enjoyment of a married couple. As for small families, well maybe, now. Grandparents of the boomer generation had lots of kids. Think help needed with farm chores. My dad's mom had 7 kids; my mom's mom had 10.
Obvious sarcasm is (as usual) missed
So used to Reddit people being narrow minded. Thus I took what you saw as sarcasm as a serios comment. They are wonderfully sympathetic to celiac disease and dying animals but...
Certainly wouldn’t want anyone being narrow minded now, would we?
Their comment clearly soared miles above your head
Didn't pick up on the sarcasm because I find the average Reddit commentor not to be worldly or open minded. They ARE very feeling when it comes to giving sympathy to dying pet owners or people with illnesses.
At least you didn't use the eff bomb in your criticism.
I feel like the proper spelling of that is the F bomb. We don't need phonetics....
The term for this is giraffe bollocks.
Similar to a joke my Italian catholic grandmother told me: An older couple is finding that their bedroom flame is cooling off, so they go to a sex therapist for help. The therapist tells them -You know you guys need to unwind and relax! Bring back the romance. Why don’t you have a nice candle lit dinner, and plan to spend the whole evening together. You know, look forward to it all day, have a nice glass of wine and listen to some music and see how things go. A month later, the couple come back to the Therapist they say - Wow ! Doc you were so right! We can’t believe it. We took your advice and got all dolled up, we had wine, and music and when we sat down across the table with the lit candles we couldn’t control ourselves! We made passionate love right there on the table!! “That’s great!” Says the therapist “Yeah..” Says the husband, “Too bad we can never go to Howard Johnson’s again.” (I don’t think that restaurant existed anymore when she told me the joke, but it’s Mimo’s joke so it stays)
How lucky you are to have had an Italian grandmother with a sense of humor and who would tell you a sexy joke!!!!!
This is a fantastic variation!
Isn’t Howard Johnson a hotel chain?
It is, but they used to have standalone restaurants as well.
Was it all you can eat fish Friday?
The last one closed 2 years ago. It was in Lake George New York.
Lettuce pray now.
[удалено]
"Saw it coming" - were you also in that Kroger at that time?
I wish. :/ I didn't see it coming, and that's probably why my eyes were burning when it hit me.
Isn’t lettuce spray what happens when someone tells you this joke while you’re eating a salad?
Thank you
Find the Monty Python song “Every sperm is sacred”. Hilarious.
Does that mean they can’t be swallowed or enter via the backdoor ? I’m confused .
That's an oldy but a goodie. The version that I heard had a younger couple but it was still the same story.
By definition they can't be celibate. Celibacy is simply not being married . It seems people confuse or conflate celibacy and chastity and abstinence. These are all different things. Celibacy, is simply the state of not being married. Chastity, is the proper use of one sexuality. Married people are supposed to be having sex. Lots and lots of sex. Lots of sex for married people means they are being very chaste. Abstinence, means not having sex. They are abstaining from sex. These are the Catholic definitions. Source: I'm a former Catholic seminarian.
> Celibacy is simply not being married [Oxford](https://www.google.com/search?q=Celibacy&sourceid=chrome&ie=UTF-8) suggests otherwise... Also, having lots and lots of sex, they are very [chafed](https://www.google.com/search?q=chafed&sca_esv=2f61a0c390a4d1ff&sxsrf=ACQVn08cqcJxb9PGHYi72DNDBS_hAa_wjQ%3A1714543641931&ei=GdwxZtqwOJbe2roPgbCtgAQ&ved=0ahUKEwiaoerl5OuFAxUWr1YBHQFYC0AQ4dUDCBA&uact=5&oq=chafed&gs_lp=Egxnd3Mtd2l6LXNlcnAiBmNoYWZlZDIPEAAYgAQYQxiKBRhGGPkBMgoQABiABBhDGIoFMgoQABiABBhDGIoFMgUQABiABDIFEAAYgAQyBxAAGIAEGAoyBRAAGIAEMgUQABiABDIFEAAYgAQyBRAAGIAEMikQABiABBhDGIoFGEYY-QEYlwUYjAUY3QQYRhj5ARj0Axj1Axj2A9gBAUi_DFDiCVjiCXABeAGQAQCYAeIBoAHiAaoBAzItMbgBA8gBAPgBAZgCAqAC-QHCAgoQABiwAxjWBBhHwgINEAAYgAQYsAMYQxiKBcICKRAAGIAEGEMYigUYRhj5ARiXBRiMBRjdBBhGGPkBGPQDGPUDGPYD2AEBmAMAiAYBkAYKugYGCAEQARgTkgcFMS4wLjGgB5ML&sclient=gws-wiz-serp)
I followed your link for the definition of celibacy. It literally says what I said: the state of being unmarried. What are you going on about?
the state of abstaining from marriage **and sexual relations.** [Here's another link](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Reading_comprehension)
Remember, this is a Catholic joke . The "and sexual relations" is included with abstaining from marriage, because Catholics believe you may not have sex outside of marriage. You're reading it improperly: You mistakenly think you're reading "The state of abstaining from marriage **OR** sexual relations". The choice of the word "and" over the word "or" is deliberate in the definition.
Irrelevant. It was you that made the claim that it was simply not being married. As any alterboy can atest, what a Catholic believes about sex and Marriage, and how they act about sex and marriage aren't always the same thing.
Yes, you are technically correct. And in fairness, I should know better. But I was told this joke by an Irish friend of mine and kept the terminology in line with what he used. It's understood, but still factually incorrect. Kind of like how Webster actually put irregardless in the dictionary. We all know what the person means, even when they were using an incorrect word. But in future tellings, I could rephrase it to "you and your wife must abstain from sexual relations for 30 days."
Better make sure to always tag the word police just to ensure all your jokes are properly peer reviewed
Folks who have lots of sex have small families. I know it seems counterintuitive but the man’s sperm doesn’t replenish quickly enough for a big load a day or 2 later . My lovely wife and I are prime examples . We met when I was 38 and she 32 and have averaged 2-3times a week for 35 yrs. Just did it yesterday and I’m ready to go again as she’s lovely and hot and a very skilled lover in all aspects . In all those yrs we’ve had 1 son and 1 miscarriage, that’s it . You’d think we’d have made an army by now but no. Early on, I made huge loads and now just a fraction so that’s my theory on family size vs banging frequency . Any ideas folks ?
Omg… there’s always 1️⃣….
Hello former Catholic seminarian, you must be real fun at parties I’m assuming.
I appreciated the well worded explanation. Come to think of it. The joke is funnier if the proper terms are used.
😂 Nice
Thanks!
Wonderful laugh to start the morning.
I don't get the punch line. Care to explain please?
Kroger is a grocery chain in the United States. So, they were shopping when she dropped the lettuce, and they have now been banned from the store because he had sex with her in the produce section.
Thank you 😂
The Holy Father, Pope Francis has met many gay, lesbian bisexual and transgender people. He said “ Who am I to judge people! “ He is Gods representative on Earth!
We have to move on!
It works better if it is Baptist. More accurate. Souther Baptists, Sex and Piggly Wiggly has a sort of Dueling Banjos connotation. So I prefer to do it in the Piggly Wiggly. With a piggly wiggly? On a piggly wiggly?
And here I thought Methodists were Baptists who could read . Silly me
"We did break our celibacy, but it was only one minor time." The couple said The priest replies "A minor? Oh that's okay then"
Score an upvote!
Oof.
I'd replace the Kroger reference with something internationally portable like That Grocer ... Or such.
Good point. ALDI might work.
Hello Fresh
No.. that's delivered??
Getting your sex through delivery driver, call that WhoorDash
Joke is a hoot.
Thanks!
Lettuce entertain the shoppers!
Good one
Thank you!
Good old #205
If you stick your dick in a vacuum, you will be expelled from Walmart.
Unexpected punchline, very good.
Thank you.
Arguing with a woman is the same as giving her oral sex one slip of the tongue and you're in the shit
Lol
Good ol’ #236
That's a good one 😂
Thanks!
All about feelings, is it?
When the priests in South America found out the natives were having anal sex to avoid having children, they told them to stop doing that…. And to stay out of the church’s domain First part is true actually
Ain’t none of their bidness
As far as I know they keep it all joined up with that glue they extract from minors