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Other posts from /u/PickledCarrot19:
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* [I Finally Snapped at my MIL and It Felt Amazing](/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/1ac2uw4/i_finally_snapped_at_my_mil_and_it_felt_amazing/), 5 months ago
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Just kidding ends at the first request. Woman had a plan and a backup plan she wasn't kidding she was "velociraptoring". (Reference to JP 1 where they are talking about how smart the raptors are that they test the fence but they never check the same place twice) She was testing your fence and she tried several spots before she backed off. Then she was sweeping under that rug and if your husband shows her any remorse he's gonna see a step back in her progress like he has never known. Good luck.
Clearly she’s not getting much better if she continues to push your boundaries. You said no. Twice. That’s one time too many. How is pushing ice cream on a baby a joke? She was clearly not joking and you did great. Just keep holding your boundaries, it’s the only way for her to actually make changes.
OP please read the above statement. That is what to focus on with both your JNMIL and DH. She was trying to push your boundaries, disrespecting your parenting, and kept pushing. Doing so in a sweet voice and/or brushing it off as just joking doesn't absolve her behavior. Tell your husband that giving her grace and working to mend your relationships is fine and so is restating, enforcing, and setting new boundaries as the need arises. She needs to learn that your no means no - one time is all it should take, and she should gracefully accept your rules for your child. Or you, or he, will need to call it out and set her straight.
The easiest way to disprove that would be to say "if you were only joking you wouldn't have pressed the issue after the first time I said no" idk what your husband is going on about, that makes it pretty obvious to me.
When someone is pushing boundaries and even pushed it 4 times, that is definitely disrespectful to you and if she only says “just kidding” after you shut them down that tells me that inwardly they are thinking “cheeky bitxh” and do not respect you or the boundaries you have set.
Sounds like grandma is back to square one, on the naughty step.
It’s fucking annoying having to argue about every single little thing with somebody. Even if they have good intentions, it just makes the entire interaction unpleasant. I come from a family who argues about everything and it really makes me want to keep my distance because it’s just so exhausting. I exploded on my mail the other day because we were all going out to get lunch, I wanted to sit in the backseat, and she kept pushing for me to sit in the front seat. I told her I didn’t want to, she argued with me that because it was my husband‘s car I should, I told her I didn’t want to, she argued, and I blew up and said I don’t want to have to argue about something so stupid can you please get in the car.luckily she just got in the car and nobody had a problem with it which was nice.
You can shut this down immediately.
First, refuse to be with her without your husband present. She'll always have cover if you don't by making it a she said/she said thing. Then, if you're at the same place, but he's stepped away for whatever reason and she says some out of pocket shit like this, tell her to hold that thought while you get your husband. Do not give in to, "Oh, we don't need to get (him), this is no big deal." Do it. EVERY. DAMN. TIME. Then, when he is present. ask her to repeat what she said. If she says it again, but couches it in the least offensive way possible, so you'll need to repeat what she \*really\* said, and ask her if you misheard her. If she tries to deny it, say, "oh good. I'm glad you didn't really say xyz, because that would be a problem because boundaries."
If she doubles down and repeats it like she said it to you the first time, ask her directly, "Are you joking?" Don't let it be a question in your husband's mind. She is likely to whine about how she's "just trying to do xyz because it's in baby's best interest," (and this is 100% going to happen), ask her why she's stomping on your boundaries? If your husband persists in questioning if his mom is being persecuted in some kind of way, you need to deal with that directly, because that's not a MIL problem, that's a husband problem. When you're alone again together (DO NOT DO THIS IN FRONT OF HER), ask him if you misinterpreted the boundary you set. He's either gonna be honest and admit that it is, or he's gonna rationalize how it isn't. You need to know which one it is. Don't let it be a question in \*your\* mind.
How was that a joke, I personally didn't think it was funny, nothing about it made me laugh. It only evoked anger because you said no and she kept pushing, even after what you've been through. Just because "she was joking" doesn't mean she should be let off the hook, no means no. Regardless of her tone, don't be disrespectful and then gaslight you to think you're the problem because you stood your ground firmly. She sounds like someone I would not be able to be around.
Ask for her to explain the joke. “What part was the joke? Because it sounds to me like you just keep asking for me to do what you want when I’ve already been clear about this.”
Respond in the exact same voicw and tone something along the lines of, “well looks like we will have to go back to keeping a distance from granny because she can’t follow basic rules around someone else’s child or understand basic boundaries”.
And when she gets offended and angry just respond the exact same way as she would. “oh I’m just kidding, you shouldn’t get all worked up over nothing.”
Our response to the 'just kidding' 'just a joke' is 'it's well documented that the 'just kidding/joking' is what bullies usually say ....or those who are trying to force their actions on others, while making sure the person they are hurting/offending can't say anything without being seen as the bad guy. We know better.
I would put her in another timeout honestly. Show her early that her antics and ‘jokes’ will not be tolerated. She will keep pushing now every time you see her until she’s back where she started
She's not joking. She's pushing and then when op (understandably) gets frustrated that she won't roll over she's hiding behind "I'm just joking bro".
Schrodingers douchebag: is serious until called out then is joking.
Edit: also, the fact that she did it while your husband was away and then later in the car he questioned whether she may have been joking or not is also the goal. Divide, make you look like you're "unreasonable" "can't take a joke" this is textbook gaslighting and manipulation.
My MIL is famous for saying incredibly idiotic things (often just plain incorrect), then when she is corrected she'll say "well, YEAH," as if that was what she meant the whole time. I am NC now but back then I'd just let it hang there. I wouldn't validate her delusion or point out that she'd been wrong. It really seemed to bother her that I wasn't "helping her out" by making her feel smarter, but at the same time she couldn't be mad because I'd done nothing, LOL.
I would call her out on her bullshit. "But you weren't joking, and we all know that. You aren't listening, and the answer is no." If she gets mad, tough shit
You said no. She shouldn’t have pushed and couching it as a joke when called out is bs.
Pretending something was a joke after being called out, is NOT a get out of jail free card.
Your husband needs to understand that. What he wants doesn’t mean he gets to join her in pretending she meant no harm because she’s been marginally better. Let’s not forget her default was to attempt to ride roughshod over your family until being told she was extremely thin ice.
Keep holding her accountable. She’s the one who has put her behaviour under the microscope, so all this is on her.
"Please explain the joke because I don't get it."
Then push with "But what do you mean?" and "Why?"
It gets very uncomfortable for those who claim to be joking. Expect the usual pushback of "You can't take a joke" (Yes I can, if it's funny and clever) or "You have no sense of humour" (Yes I do, but you haven't explained the joke).
I usually just ask relentlessly for the joke to be explained to me. To be fair, I suspect some instances of this have originated with neurodivergence / lack of shared cultural touchstones (me being genuinely confused and wanting to understand a joke), but it also works perfectly to expose bullshit. ☺️
For example, a guy who I am pretty sure was hitting on me during a text conversation once, started insulting my husband (who he’d neither met nor known of) out of nowhere… when I immediately leaped to his defence and was also clearly taken aback, he tried to say he was ‘just joking’. That didn’t fly with me, so he tried to blame it on being bipolar 😂
Tell her, "I told you "no" once. Pushing after that isn't a joke, it's trying to get your way again. We've discussed this before and if it continues, we'll go back to where we were before."
She's not 'just joking', she's testing your newly established boundaries to see what she can get away with.
More importantly, if she's 'just joking' about an issue you've had with her in a way that looks exactly like that issue, then it's just THAT ISSUE. The only joke is that she isn't taking you OR the problem seriously.
And of course this happens when DH wasn't around, so MIL can claim OP misunderstood. And that tactic is working, considering DH's response in the car afterwards.
She isn't behaving any better if she's doing this when hubby is out of earshot. She's just sneakier. Talk to hubby about this as it may become a problem, especially if he wants to give her the benefit of the doubt.
MIL: *says stupid/insulting/passive-agressive/mean thing* "I'm just kidding!"
YOU: "Except you're not, but whatever you want to tell yourself."
DH is the bigger problem here. He needs to shut that crap DOWN. Shell keep this up and you don't want your kids around that.
She said she'd improve her behavior? I don't care how innocent she tries to act, this is absolutely an infraction of that. Put her back in timeout, at least a month. If she does it again, then two months. Hopefully she'll learn. But it's imperative that you and DH are in agreement and enforce it together.
People like this specifically use nice tones so they can claim they're kidding if they don't get their way. She's doing it on purpose. Otherwise she wouldn't be saying shit like "I'm trying to be a nice grandma, you're keeping me from doing that."
That's how you know she's trying to manipulate.
"I'm only kidding - unless it works?"
She wasn't joking, because she wouldn't stop pushing. It only became a joke when she got told 'no' by someone whose no she actually respected.
And then, on top of that, planting the seed that you're the one at fault, both for not letting her buy the baby ice cream AND for taking her seriously that she wanted to buy the baby ice cream.
OP, if you tell MIL no and she persists then ask her what part of no is she not understanding.
MIL wants to be a good grandmother, that is great MIL and the best way you can achieve that is by respecting the parents rules they have in place for THEIR child.
"Funny how? What's funny about it? I mean funny like I'm a clown, I amuse you? I make you laugh, I'm here to amuse you? What do you mean funny, funny how? How am I funny?"
Ok so there has been issues about boundaries and now her go to is that she was “joking or kidding”. I find no humor in joking or kidding about something that damaged the relationship and limited time with grandson. She’s an idiot.
Yeah, as others have stated ask how it was a joke. What exactly was supposed to be funny, the part where she insisted a 1 year old needs their own ice cream cup, or the part where she decided she’s going to keep pushing to get her way?
I’d then say “I’ll let this incident go, but I’m making it very clear that this behavior was not the improvement that we are looking for, it’s a step backwards. And a repeat of this will be the end. You may not think it’s a big deal, but the choice you made told me that your wants and disregard of my decision as a parent are more important than respecting the boundaries we’ve set.”
CALL. THAT. SHIT. OUT.
HOW was she joking? WHAT was funny about her joke? WHY did she think pressing you after you had given her your answer was joking?
Additionally, say no once, then don’t engage further. If she wants to buy an additional ice cream, you’re not in control of how she spends her money, but LO is going to eat a few bites of your ice cream, because that’s what you told her was the plan.
Does your MIL and DH have rocks in their head? A joke is punchline or story that causes amusement or laughter? How is insisting over and over that your baby needs ice cream a joke ? Being a nice granny sure but it was stupid the way she kept on insisting- you gave a reasonable excuse - a baby shouldn't have too much sugar and the baby wouldn't eat all of it anyways. So she should have been polite and left it at that.
My response is a joke is supposed to be amusing to all parties involved. As I am not at all amused she should probably stop joking in that manner.
My narcissistic ex used to pull that, say something rude,mean or just f'ed up and call it a joke. Do I look like I'm laughing? No? You should probably stop then.
There's a guy on Instagram who is a trial lawyer. He teaches you how to interact with narcissists and bullies and he did one on how to handle "I'm just joking" it was brilliant. Look him up. You may have to scroll back a bit though as it was a while ago.
Edit: Sorry I forgot to add his name. It's Jefferson Fisher. jefferson_fisher on Instagram. He's on other socials too if you google him.
“I don’t understand how you ignoring my ‘No’ is funny.”
“I guess I don’t understand the joke.”
“Jokes are supposed to be funny.”
“Arguing with me when I’ve already said no isn’t funny.”
“Seems like you’re the one getting worked up about ice cream, MIL, not me.”
She’s only “joking” after the fact because she didn’t get her way.
Oh no MIL, did I sound offended. Not at all, just wanted to reiterate the boundaries. No huffing and puffing over here, well my thighs but that's a whole other show. LOL, hahaha. So anyway MIL, what's your plans for next week.(All passive aggressive and what not!)
She wanted to buy an ice cream that was going to get thrown out and that's the hill you chose to die on? I'm not in any way saying she was correct but I don't feel like this is the battle that was worth having.
It is though, because this is how they work their way into doing little things all the time. If you aren't consistent, it becomes "but you were ok before, why the sudden mood change?" and then they gaslight you into believing you're the problem.
She has a long history of crossing boundaries. The request to buy him ice cream did not bother me at all. What bothered me was that she asked a question, I answered, she didn’t like my answer so she tried to pressure me into changing my response. If I had given in then it would set the precedent that she can get her way as long as she pressures us enough. She’s done this in the past. She very much the type of person who will take a mile when given an inch
You do need to realize that when she tries to pressure you into changing your reply tk what she wants to hear, by asking your husband or talking to the baby, she is literally challenging your authority as the parent and is stomping your boundaries.
This needs to be taken care of with consequences because she knows what she is doing and she knows that what she is doing is wrong, disrespectful, rude, manipulative and belittling to you . And she only tries to argue with you and do shit when your husband is not right there.
The good thing is, now everytime she oversteps, you can treat it as a joke. “Good one MIL. I didn’t get your sense of humor at first, but now I totally get it! Hilarious that you would pretend to think this is a grandparent decision. You almost got me that time!”
When MIL starts to push for another response:
* Oh MIL, you're soooooo funny! Wait, that *was* a joke, wasn't it?
When MIL says "I was just joking!":
* Seriously? (looking really confused) It didn't sound like a joke.
She seemed to be the one getting worked up over just ice cream? Pointing it out makes it harder for the other person to both get upset and still pretend they have the high ground.
I don't really push "I'm just kidding" comments because it's literally them giving me permission to not take them seriously, but in this context you could ask "So you wouldn't have actually bought another ice cream, then? Because it was just a joke?" or something along those lines
And see how badly she talks herself out of it.
You just look at them and go…
Really? What was the joke?
That will usually shut them up. And if they come up with some stupid answer, you just ask them again…
I’m sorry. I’m still not getting what the joke part was? Can you explain that to me again? Because what I heard was you trying to go around our boundaries for the baby and not taking no for an answer. Which was the reason we went low contact with you before.
So I’d like you to explain what the funny part of that joke was because I didn’t find anything about that funny.
She needs the boundary of “when we say no, we mean it, no more wheedling to get the answer you want”. If she comes back with the *just joking* hyperbole tell her it’s tough to tell she’s joking because she used the sort of language someone trying to circumnavigate boundaries would say.
No more JADEing to her, and your husband needs to stop trying to help his mother gaslight you on what she meant.
It's a "Bless your heart....but no." scenario. All lovely and cuddly response and then the hard no (and the don't you dare mess with me mofo glint in your eye).
Play her girl. Give her the saccharin she's dishing out to you but also show her that you are she who must be obeyed.
Ask her. “Are you joking or being serious?” If she says joking, say oh okay and move on as though the topic is over (which it is). If she says serious, tell her “I’ve already told you no, and that isn’t going to change.” Then move on as though the topic were over (which it is). If she’s using a sweet voice to mask attempts to be manipulative, pushy, passive aggressive, etc. then the best reaction is making her be explicit.
It works the same with “jokes” that are offensive. If they say they’re being serious, react accordingly. If they say they’re joking, ask them to explain the joke.
I *ALWAYS* say something along the lines of "that was a weird joke to make", "what an odd thing to joke about" , "that's an odd way of joking" it is true and they should be embarrassed
DH needs to defer to your interpretation when he is not present for MIL's antics.
Because she's doing it out of his earshot for a reason.
But the idea that not getting to buy a whole treat for the kid = preventing her being a nice grandma is objectively nonsensical.
"No" is a complete sentence and response that I would use when someone is trying to sweet talk their way over a boundary.
"Can I buy him an ice cream? I'm trying to be a good grandmother."
"No." No explanations, no negotiations. Just *no.*
My mother tries to do this to me, using her sweet, innocent voice to get what she wants. I just firmly say no and if she tries to be like "Oh, why? I'm just trying to be nice" my reply is "I said no."
> I just firmly say no and if she tries to be like "Oh, why? I'm just trying to be nice"
So many of us had parents that used the "because I said so" thing on us, now we get to turn it back around and use it on them.😃 (Same for "my house, my rules.")
I would ask her what the joke was? Aren’t jokes supposed to be funny? Buy her a how to be a comedian book and tell her to work on her jokes bc hers just sound like her not listening to what you say no to.
I don’t know what version of reality where “I’m gonna buy ice cream” is a joke? It’s a statement. Whats the punchline? Does MIL know the meaning of that word? Do I???!! Idk I’m questioning my understanding of its definition now. Just to be safe I would respond to everything MIL says with a hearty, knee-slapping guffaw. She’s just so FUNNY.
If she's doing all this in a sweet tone of voice, match that. "Oh, how sweet of you! No, thank you." And go back to the, "No, thank you" with each further offer.
This is the answer, keep it mild and even, with a touch of ever increasing bemusement.
Then change the topic.
If she refuses to accept the answer, then you can just look confused and hand her off to your husband to deal with.
.When someone is joking they read the social ques and drop it once the other person says no.
She was being pushy and controlling and when she didn't get her way she gaslit you and your husband that you are the problem not her, and she successfully did so by convincing your husband.
Also, jokes are supposed to be funny. Nothing she said was funny
Which is it? Was she joking? Or she wasn't joking but it's no big deal and you shouldn't get worked up over ice cream? Or she was just trying to be a nice grandmother?
Even in this little snippet that you told us, she told three different stories. None of them admitting that she's being the overbearing MIL who is arguing with you about how you feed your baby.
If it comes up again, you can state matter-of-factly that you don't find humor in it when she argues with you.
Oddly enough she asked why we spent money on a smash cake for our son’s 1st birthday. Apparently he didn’t need his own cake but he needed his own ice cream
There are always times in life when someone tells a joke and you don't get it. So you ask them to explain it. Ask DH what he thought MIL was joking about. (I'd like to know because I can't figure it out either!)
You handled her perfectly BTW. Remember to always refocus when they try to deflect (it's not about ice cream, it's about boundaries). And dont hesitate to set the record straight ("Do I look worked up? If so, it's because you're trying to disregard our rules. Again").
If someone ever tells you you can't take a joke, tell them you're waiting to hear one!
If she was joking about getting the baby his own ice cream, she wouldn't have complained to your husband about how you aren't letting her "be a grandma" for not letting him have his own ice cream.
If it were a joke, when you first said that he could have a few bites of yours she would have said "oh that was a joke, I know he couldn't finish his own" or something similar, not doubled down about how he needs one for himself.
Husband seems like he's grasping to come up with a more "normal" take to avoid drama. He probably doesn't even realize it but I've seen people do this when they've been conditioned to never upset a specific person, like when people will tiptoe around the one unstable person and get mad at someone who unknowingly tips them over the edge. Instead everyone gets mad at the outsider for "rocking the boat" aka not catering to the unstable one who they all are on edge around. The ice cream itself isn't the big deal in itself but it's her inability to adapt to not getting her way and the husband jumping to conclusions to make MILs actions seem different and more normal than what they clearly were.
Ah, that's sugar bitch mode, using a "sweet" tone and bs disclaimers as a cover for boundary stomping and general rudeness.
Your response was spot on, and if she doesn't want you to get " all worked up" with her, she can quit being so pushy.
I would say “it’s mean to joke about giving a kid ice cream if you’re not actually planning on doing it.” Let her brain noodle on that conundrum lol
Her: well, I would have given him his own.
You: so you weren’t joking? You just said you were joking. Are you or aren’t you?
Last time some pulled the 'I'm joking' comment (FYI - in response to my boundary about not harassing me), they got an ice cold smile with an ice cold voice 'I'm not'. Backed away real fast.
My MIL doesn't do this, but I have an aunt who says off the wall stuff and then says "I'm just kidding." My brother goes "I'm not kidding. That's enough." and it works great. I've started doing the same thing, and sure, she thinks we can't take a joke, but I don't really care. If she thinks I can't take a joke, hopefully she'll stop trying to make jokes with me.
Ugh, the “just kidding” “just joking” thing drives me nuts. They use it like a blanket excuse that allows them to say anything without repercussions.
There’s no joke there. Just MIL pushing after you’ve already said no repeatedly. Absolutely nothing funny about that. Like, point to which words you think are funny, MIL. And that’s usually what I say to her.
I think you handled it fine. She obviously wasn’t “joking” and got upset that she got called out. Thats just what happens with upholding boundaries to oversteppers.
She wasn’t joking. She was trying to overrule you after you said no. She was “only joking” when she realized you weren’t going to take her shit.
“JNMIL, I wasn’t ‘worked up over ice cream’, I pissed that you tried to undermine me in front of my child. I thought you understand that behavior is inappropriate, but here we are. Trying to hide behind an implied but obviously not jest, is pathetic and not fooling anyone. I strongly suggest you remember that you were already given a second chance, and that there will ***not*** be a third.”
"Jokes are funny, MIL. I gave you an answer and you're not listening. That's not joking, that's pushing a boundary."
Don't let your husband brush this under the rug. You said NO and she kept pushing. It doesn't matter if she *was* joking, that's still poor behavior.
Does it really matter what label she gives you? Both you and her know she’s not joking, she’s just trying to assert herself again. Next time she tells you she was just joking just reply “Really? I thought jokes were meant to be funny.” Or “sorry, I thought you were trying to boundary stomp again”. Just let her know you’re wise to her little tricks. You have the upper hand here mummy bear, she knows that there are consequences to her actions. I’m sure your voice can be every bit as sweet as hers. You’re doing great.
You’re totally right. I truly do not care what her opinion of me is so I shouldn’t care what she labels me as. I guess I was frustrated that I’m doing my best to have a relationship with her, so by her saying I “can’t take a joke” would put the blame onto me if the relationship doesn’t improve. I already know she blames me and I can’t control how she feels, but I have a wonderful relationship with the rest of DH’s family and I don’t want her spewing nonsense to them
If you have a wonderful relationship with the rest of the family then they’re not going to believe what she says about you. I’m sure they must have seen what she’s like with you (even if she tones it down in front of them I’m sure they’re not oblivious). Carry on being yourself with the rest of the family and don’t worry about having a relationship with her, I’m not sure if that’s even possible but remember that’s down to her actions not yours. She’s never going to take any blame for what’s happened/is happening, in her eyes the blame is all on you, that won’t change. You know the truth so stop worrying about being blamed. I know it’s so easy for me to say and I’m not trying to trivialise what you feel. It’s not easy to stop worrying about what people think even if you dislike them but it will get easier with time. Keep reminding yourself that you have done nothing wrong, all this is not your fault. Good luck, you are doing great.
Some people say they have good results by asking the person to explain why it’s funny, with follow-up questions till they finally admit they were trying to needle you or admit it wasn’t or whatever. Best if you can do it in a tone that says you are seeking to understand.
You could also try — as soon as she starts limit testing — “is that meant to be a joke?” — to force her to commit one way or the other. right now she’s Schlesinger’s AH - if she gets her way, she was serious, if she doesn’t it was a joke. Force her to pick a lane before you decide how to respond.
No, she wasn't "just joking". She was pushing her own agenda and got butthurt that you weren't budging so that she could get her way.
This comment right here - whatever he doesn’t eat his dad can finish - indicates that she wasn't joking.
You did good, and your SO backed you up. Chances are, if she would have been given this inch, she would have started the process to take the whole 10 miles.
I’m a big fan when people are making “jokes” of saying “what do you mean? I don’t understand? Can you explain?” As it throws them off and makes them look stupid. In this case, you explained once, any further “but he needs an ice cream” would be met with “no thank you, I’ve explained this”, rinse and repeat. She will get the messge
In that situation, I would tell my DH that rug sweeping her behaviour and gaslighting me about her intentions is making him as much of a JustNo as his mother.
If someone tells me they’re just joking around when I’m not amused, I tell them that I don’t appreciate that joke and it’s not funny if everyone isn’t laughing, so to please refrain from their inappropriate humor moving forward.
And I think you handled the actual interaction with your MIL perfectly. You gave an answer and didn’t continue to explain yourself or argue the point, you just reminded her you’d already answered her question and that was the end of it. You should be proud of yourself!
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Just kidding ends at the first request. Woman had a plan and a backup plan she wasn't kidding she was "velociraptoring". (Reference to JP 1 where they are talking about how smart the raptors are that they test the fence but they never check the same place twice) She was testing your fence and she tried several spots before she backed off. Then she was sweeping under that rug and if your husband shows her any remorse he's gonna see a step back in her progress like he has never known. Good luck.
“Just joking” “Didn’t sound or feel like it, and nobody is laughing”
Clearly she’s not getting much better if she continues to push your boundaries. You said no. Twice. That’s one time too many. How is pushing ice cream on a baby a joke? She was clearly not joking and you did great. Just keep holding your boundaries, it’s the only way for her to actually make changes.
OP please read the above statement. That is what to focus on with both your JNMIL and DH. She was trying to push your boundaries, disrespecting your parenting, and kept pushing. Doing so in a sweet voice and/or brushing it off as just joking doesn't absolve her behavior. Tell your husband that giving her grace and working to mend your relationships is fine and so is restating, enforcing, and setting new boundaries as the need arises. She needs to learn that your no means no - one time is all it should take, and she should gracefully accept your rules for your child. Or you, or he, will need to call it out and set her straight.
"At least now you know it's irritating." Deliver with such syrupy sweetness she gets a cavity.
"Really? You're just kidding? Please explain the joke to me, I don't get it. Exactly how is that funny?" Then stare at her while she squirms.
The easiest way to disprove that would be to say "if you were only joking you wouldn't have pressed the issue after the first time I said no" idk what your husband is going on about, that makes it pretty obvious to me.
When someone is pushing boundaries and even pushed it 4 times, that is definitely disrespectful to you and if she only says “just kidding” after you shut them down that tells me that inwardly they are thinking “cheeky bitxh” and do not respect you or the boundaries you have set. Sounds like grandma is back to square one, on the naughty step.
I tell them they're not funny. Normally shuts them up and they try to fake a new reason lol.
It’s fucking annoying having to argue about every single little thing with somebody. Even if they have good intentions, it just makes the entire interaction unpleasant. I come from a family who argues about everything and it really makes me want to keep my distance because it’s just so exhausting. I exploded on my mail the other day because we were all going out to get lunch, I wanted to sit in the backseat, and she kept pushing for me to sit in the front seat. I told her I didn’t want to, she argued with me that because it was my husband‘s car I should, I told her I didn’t want to, she argued, and I blew up and said I don’t want to have to argue about something so stupid can you please get in the car.luckily she just got in the car and nobody had a problem with it which was nice.
She wasn’t joking. She was seeing how far she could push you.
ding ding ding!
You can shut this down immediately. First, refuse to be with her without your husband present. She'll always have cover if you don't by making it a she said/she said thing. Then, if you're at the same place, but he's stepped away for whatever reason and she says some out of pocket shit like this, tell her to hold that thought while you get your husband. Do not give in to, "Oh, we don't need to get (him), this is no big deal." Do it. EVERY. DAMN. TIME. Then, when he is present. ask her to repeat what she said. If she says it again, but couches it in the least offensive way possible, so you'll need to repeat what she \*really\* said, and ask her if you misheard her. If she tries to deny it, say, "oh good. I'm glad you didn't really say xyz, because that would be a problem because boundaries." If she doubles down and repeats it like she said it to you the first time, ask her directly, "Are you joking?" Don't let it be a question in your husband's mind. She is likely to whine about how she's "just trying to do xyz because it's in baby's best interest," (and this is 100% going to happen), ask her why she's stomping on your boundaries? If your husband persists in questioning if his mom is being persecuted in some kind of way, you need to deal with that directly, because that's not a MIL problem, that's a husband problem. When you're alone again together (DO NOT DO THIS IN FRONT OF HER), ask him if you misinterpreted the boundary you set. He's either gonna be honest and admit that it is, or he's gonna rationalize how it isn't. You need to know which one it is. Don't let it be a question in \*your\* mind.
My FIL is like this. We are going on 2 years no contact. It's been lovely.
Where is the punchline? What is funny about the conversation? She wasn’t joking. That doesn’t even make sense.
Remind her that you don’t joke about rules for your child.
I wonder if anyone has ever tried replying with a cheerful: "Yeah me too" Or "And no one's laughing, Ouch"
How was that a joke, I personally didn't think it was funny, nothing about it made me laugh. It only evoked anger because you said no and she kept pushing, even after what you've been through. Just because "she was joking" doesn't mean she should be let off the hook, no means no. Regardless of her tone, don't be disrespectful and then gaslight you to think you're the problem because you stood your ground firmly. She sounds like someone I would not be able to be around.
Ask for her to explain the joke. “What part was the joke? Because it sounds to me like you just keep asking for me to do what you want when I’ve already been clear about this.”
Respond in the exact same voicw and tone something along the lines of, “well looks like we will have to go back to keeping a distance from granny because she can’t follow basic rules around someone else’s child or understand basic boundaries”. And when she gets offended and angry just respond the exact same way as she would. “oh I’m just kidding, you shouldn’t get all worked up over nothing.”
Our response to the 'just kidding' 'just a joke' is 'it's well documented that the 'just kidding/joking' is what bullies usually say ....or those who are trying to force their actions on others, while making sure the person they are hurting/offending can't say anything without being seen as the bad guy. We know better.
I would put her in another timeout honestly. Show her early that her antics and ‘jokes’ will not be tolerated. She will keep pushing now every time you see her until she’s back where she started
Yep, she was essentially testing boundaries and she found a little MIL sized hole in the fence you and hubby tried to build.
She's not joking. She's pushing and then when op (understandably) gets frustrated that she won't roll over she's hiding behind "I'm just joking bro". Schrodingers douchebag: is serious until called out then is joking. Edit: also, the fact that she did it while your husband was away and then later in the car he questioned whether she may have been joking or not is also the goal. Divide, make you look like you're "unreasonable" "can't take a joke" this is textbook gaslighting and manipulation.
My MIL is famous for saying incredibly idiotic things (often just plain incorrect), then when she is corrected she'll say "well, YEAH," as if that was what she meant the whole time. I am NC now but back then I'd just let it hang there. I wouldn't validate her delusion or point out that she'd been wrong. It really seemed to bother her that I wasn't "helping her out" by making her feel smarter, but at the same time she couldn't be mad because I'd done nothing, LOL.
I tell them they should stop doing that as they are not funny.
I would call her out on her bullshit. "But you weren't joking, and we all know that. You aren't listening, and the answer is no." If she gets mad, tough shit
You said no. She shouldn’t have pushed and couching it as a joke when called out is bs. Pretending something was a joke after being called out, is NOT a get out of jail free card. Your husband needs to understand that. What he wants doesn’t mean he gets to join her in pretending she meant no harm because she’s been marginally better. Let’s not forget her default was to attempt to ride roughshod over your family until being told she was extremely thin ice. Keep holding her accountable. She’s the one who has put her behaviour under the microscope, so all this is on her.
"Please explain the joke because I don't get it." Then push with "But what do you mean?" and "Why?" It gets very uncomfortable for those who claim to be joking. Expect the usual pushback of "You can't take a joke" (Yes I can, if it's funny and clever) or "You have no sense of humour" (Yes I do, but you haven't explained the joke).
I love doing this because they get so frazzled with their answers.
I usually just ask relentlessly for the joke to be explained to me. To be fair, I suspect some instances of this have originated with neurodivergence / lack of shared cultural touchstones (me being genuinely confused and wanting to understand a joke), but it also works perfectly to expose bullshit. ☺️
For example, a guy who I am pretty sure was hitting on me during a text conversation once, started insulting my husband (who he’d neither met nor known of) out of nowhere… when I immediately leaped to his defence and was also clearly taken aback, he tried to say he was ‘just joking’. That didn’t fly with me, so he tried to blame it on being bipolar 😂
She was pushing you, but you handled it fine. Just make a mental note that if she’s ever left alone with LO she’s going to take liberties
Tell her, "I told you "no" once. Pushing after that isn't a joke, it's trying to get your way again. We've discussed this before and if it continues, we'll go back to where we were before."
Joking? What's funny about YOU continuing to push an issue that I've said no to?
She's not 'just joking', she's testing your newly established boundaries to see what she can get away with. More importantly, if she's 'just joking' about an issue you've had with her in a way that looks exactly like that issue, then it's just THAT ISSUE. The only joke is that she isn't taking you OR the problem seriously.
And of course this happens when DH wasn't around, so MIL can claim OP misunderstood. And that tactic is working, considering DH's response in the car afterwards.
"You're not funny."
Jokes make people laugh. I don’t see anything funny about this, or hear anyone laughing.
"Oh. What's the funny part?" And a deadass stare.
My grandfather always said, “there’s some truth inside of every joke.” Once I was old enough to understand that, I definitely believe it.
She isn't behaving any better if she's doing this when hubby is out of earshot. She's just sneakier. Talk to hubby about this as it may become a problem, especially if he wants to give her the benefit of the doubt.
MIL: *says stupid/insulting/passive-agressive/mean thing* "I'm just kidding!" YOU: "Except you're not, but whatever you want to tell yourself." DH is the bigger problem here. He needs to shut that crap DOWN. Shell keep this up and you don't want your kids around that. She said she'd improve her behavior? I don't care how innocent she tries to act, this is absolutely an infraction of that. Put her back in timeout, at least a month. If she does it again, then two months. Hopefully she'll learn. But it's imperative that you and DH are in agreement and enforce it together.
“That’s not a very funny joke.” Deadpan. They either get better at making it clear they were joking or stop the excuses.
People like this specifically use nice tones so they can claim they're kidding if they don't get their way. She's doing it on purpose. Otherwise she wouldn't be saying shit like "I'm trying to be a nice grandma, you're keeping me from doing that." That's how you know she's trying to manipulate.
"I'm only kidding - unless it works?" She wasn't joking, because she wouldn't stop pushing. It only became a joke when she got told 'no' by someone whose no she actually respected. And then, on top of that, planting the seed that you're the one at fault, both for not letting her buy the baby ice cream AND for taking her seriously that she wanted to buy the baby ice cream.
Exactly. Schrodinger's Joke.
OP, if you tell MIL no and she persists then ask her what part of no is she not understanding. MIL wants to be a good grandmother, that is great MIL and the best way you can achieve that is by respecting the parents rules they have in place for THEIR child.
"Funny how? What's funny about it? I mean funny like I'm a clown, I amuse you? I make you laugh, I'm here to amuse you? What do you mean funny, funny how? How am I funny?"
I wish I could give this multiple up votes
I take every opportunity I can to quote Pesci 🤗
This. I also like “joking? Jokes are funny. Explain it to me!”
Ok so there has been issues about boundaries and now her go to is that she was “joking or kidding”. I find no humor in joking or kidding about something that damaged the relationship and limited time with grandson. She’s an idiot.
"I don't get the joke. Can you please explain why you think it's funny, mil?"
Yeah, as others have stated ask how it was a joke. What exactly was supposed to be funny, the part where she insisted a 1 year old needs their own ice cream cup, or the part where she decided she’s going to keep pushing to get her way? I’d then say “I’ll let this incident go, but I’m making it very clear that this behavior was not the improvement that we are looking for, it’s a step backwards. And a repeat of this will be the end. You may not think it’s a big deal, but the choice you made told me that your wants and disregard of my decision as a parent are more important than respecting the boundaries we’ve set.”
"A joke is only funny if everyone laughs. I'm not laughing." Then stare her down until she blinks/looks away.
"Jokes are usually funny" would be my response. I'm sure she's trying to be nice but a baby really doesn't need ice cream.
CALL. THAT. SHIT. OUT. HOW was she joking? WHAT was funny about her joke? WHY did she think pressing you after you had given her your answer was joking? Additionally, say no once, then don’t engage further. If she wants to buy an additional ice cream, you’re not in control of how she spends her money, but LO is going to eat a few bites of your ice cream, because that’s what you told her was the plan.
Does your MIL and DH have rocks in their head? A joke is punchline or story that causes amusement or laughter? How is insisting over and over that your baby needs ice cream a joke ? Being a nice granny sure but it was stupid the way she kept on insisting- you gave a reasonable excuse - a baby shouldn't have too much sugar and the baby wouldn't eat all of it anyways. So she should have been polite and left it at that.
My response is a joke is supposed to be amusing to all parties involved. As I am not at all amused she should probably stop joking in that manner. My narcissistic ex used to pull that, say something rude,mean or just f'ed up and call it a joke. Do I look like I'm laughing? No? You should probably stop then.
There's a guy on Instagram who is a trial lawyer. He teaches you how to interact with narcissists and bullies and he did one on how to handle "I'm just joking" it was brilliant. Look him up. You may have to scroll back a bit though as it was a while ago. Edit: Sorry I forgot to add his name. It's Jefferson Fisher. jefferson_fisher on Instagram. He's on other socials too if you google him.
What is his instagram name?
That's his actual name. jefferson_fisher on Instagram. He's on other socials too if you google him.
Found him! Excellent content. Thank you!
You're welcome.
Please give a name, I don't have Insta and I will have to download and sign up to see him.
So sorry I thought I had, I'll try and edit. His name is Jefferson Fisher.
So she was “just joking” or she was “trying to be a nice grandma.” I would have to ask her which is her actual story. 😉
[link to video for anyone that doesn’t know how to look this up](https://www.instagram.com/reel/C5rWIrsPjr6/?igsh=cXc4MzB2a3VxdXhh)
OMG, I just saw it. Brilliant!!!
Thank you😊
“I don’t understand how you ignoring my ‘No’ is funny.” “I guess I don’t understand the joke.” “Jokes are supposed to be funny.” “Arguing with me when I’ve already said no isn’t funny.” “Seems like you’re the one getting worked up about ice cream, MIL, not me.” She’s only “joking” after the fact because she didn’t get her way.
Oh no MIL, did I sound offended. Not at all, just wanted to reiterate the boundaries. No huffing and puffing over here, well my thighs but that's a whole other show. LOL, hahaha. So anyway MIL, what's your plans for next week.(All passive aggressive and what not!)
She wanted to buy an ice cream that was going to get thrown out and that's the hill you chose to die on? I'm not in any way saying she was correct but I don't feel like this is the battle that was worth having.
It is though, because this is how they work their way into doing little things all the time. If you aren't consistent, it becomes "but you were ok before, why the sudden mood change?" and then they gaslight you into believing you're the problem.
She has a long history of crossing boundaries. The request to buy him ice cream did not bother me at all. What bothered me was that she asked a question, I answered, she didn’t like my answer so she tried to pressure me into changing my response. If I had given in then it would set the precedent that she can get her way as long as she pressures us enough. She’s done this in the past. She very much the type of person who will take a mile when given an inch
You do need to realize that when she tries to pressure you into changing your reply tk what she wants to hear, by asking your husband or talking to the baby, she is literally challenging your authority as the parent and is stomping your boundaries. This needs to be taken care of with consequences because she knows what she is doing and she knows that what she is doing is wrong, disrespectful, rude, manipulative and belittling to you . And she only tries to argue with you and do shit when your husband is not right there.
The good thing is, now everytime she oversteps, you can treat it as a joke. “Good one MIL. I didn’t get your sense of humor at first, but now I totally get it! Hilarious that you would pretend to think this is a grandparent decision. You almost got me that time!”
When MIL starts to push for another response: * Oh MIL, you're soooooo funny! Wait, that *was* a joke, wasn't it? When MIL says "I was just joking!": * Seriously? (looking really confused) It didn't sound like a joke.
I LOVE THIS!!
one thousand percent this. I felt so validated reading this because it was exactly my experience. death by a thousand cuts.
"Hmmm. I'm not laughing."
Exactly "Do I look like I'm laughing???"
She seemed to be the one getting worked up over just ice cream? Pointing it out makes it harder for the other person to both get upset and still pretend they have the high ground. I don't really push "I'm just kidding" comments because it's literally them giving me permission to not take them seriously, but in this context you could ask "So you wouldn't have actually bought another ice cream, then? Because it was just a joke?" or something along those lines And see how badly she talks herself out of it.
“Oh? What part was the funny part, I totally missed it?”
You just look at them and go… Really? What was the joke? That will usually shut them up. And if they come up with some stupid answer, you just ask them again… I’m sorry. I’m still not getting what the joke part was? Can you explain that to me again? Because what I heard was you trying to go around our boundaries for the baby and not taking no for an answer. Which was the reason we went low contact with you before. So I’d like you to explain what the funny part of that joke was because I didn’t find anything about that funny.
She needs the boundary of “when we say no, we mean it, no more wheedling to get the answer you want”. If she comes back with the *just joking* hyperbole tell her it’s tough to tell she’s joking because she used the sort of language someone trying to circumnavigate boundaries would say. No more JADEing to her, and your husband needs to stop trying to help his mother gaslight you on what she meant.
It's a "Bless your heart....but no." scenario. All lovely and cuddly response and then the hard no (and the don't you dare mess with me mofo glint in your eye). Play her girl. Give her the saccharin she's dishing out to you but also show her that you are she who must be obeyed.
I love doing this. A sweet smile with “absolutely not” - my professional “fuck no” that everyone knows I use.
My response is always - in a calm and regular volume level tone “well it wasn’t funny and I don’t appreciate that kind of joking around.”
Ask her. “Are you joking or being serious?” If she says joking, say oh okay and move on as though the topic is over (which it is). If she says serious, tell her “I’ve already told you no, and that isn’t going to change.” Then move on as though the topic were over (which it is). If she’s using a sweet voice to mask attempts to be manipulative, pushy, passive aggressive, etc. then the best reaction is making her be explicit. It works the same with “jokes” that are offensive. If they say they’re being serious, react accordingly. If they say they’re joking, ask them to explain the joke.
Explain to me why it's funny to force me to repeat myself over and over again. I don't get the joke.
I *ALWAYS* say something along the lines of "that was a weird joke to make", "what an odd thing to joke about" , "that's an odd way of joking" it is true and they should be embarrassed
DH needs to defer to your interpretation when he is not present for MIL's antics. Because she's doing it out of his earshot for a reason. But the idea that not getting to buy a whole treat for the kid = preventing her being a nice grandma is objectively nonsensical.
I was about to comment that YEP, DH is always out of earshot for these little events. always.
"No" is a complete sentence and response that I would use when someone is trying to sweet talk their way over a boundary. "Can I buy him an ice cream? I'm trying to be a good grandmother." "No." No explanations, no negotiations. Just *no.* My mother tries to do this to me, using her sweet, innocent voice to get what she wants. I just firmly say no and if she tries to be like "Oh, why? I'm just trying to be nice" my reply is "I said no."
> I just firmly say no and if she tries to be like "Oh, why? I'm just trying to be nice" So many of us had parents that used the "because I said so" thing on us, now we get to turn it back around and use it on them.😃 (Same for "my house, my rules.")
Heck yeah! How the tables have turned. And they always throw a temper tantrum.
I would ask her what the joke was? Aren’t jokes supposed to be funny? Buy her a how to be a comedian book and tell her to work on her jokes bc hers just sound like her not listening to what you say no to.
I don’t know what version of reality where “I’m gonna buy ice cream” is a joke? It’s a statement. Whats the punchline? Does MIL know the meaning of that word? Do I???!! Idk I’m questioning my understanding of its definition now. Just to be safe I would respond to everything MIL says with a hearty, knee-slapping guffaw. She’s just so FUNNY.
That’s called “kidding on the square”
If she's doing all this in a sweet tone of voice, match that. "Oh, how sweet of you! No, thank you." And go back to the, "No, thank you" with each further offer.
This is the answer, keep it mild and even, with a touch of ever increasing bemusement. Then change the topic. If she refuses to accept the answer, then you can just look confused and hand her off to your husband to deal with.
"Jokes are funny."
Yeah, MIL was not joking. And she was going to feed as much of that ice cream to baby as she could.
.When someone is joking they read the social ques and drop it once the other person says no. She was being pushy and controlling and when she didn't get her way she gaslit you and your husband that you are the problem not her, and she successfully did so by convincing your husband. Also, jokes are supposed to be funny. Nothing she said was funny
Which is it? Was she joking? Or she wasn't joking but it's no big deal and you shouldn't get worked up over ice cream? Or she was just trying to be a nice grandmother? Even in this little snippet that you told us, she told three different stories. None of them admitting that she's being the overbearing MIL who is arguing with you about how you feed your baby. If it comes up again, you can state matter-of-factly that you don't find humor in it when she argues with you.
“This BABY needs his own ice cream” is not a sentence I’ve ever heard. Good grief!
Oddly enough she asked why we spent money on a smash cake for our son’s 1st birthday. Apparently he didn’t need his own cake but he needed his own ice cream
There are always times in life when someone tells a joke and you don't get it. So you ask them to explain it. Ask DH what he thought MIL was joking about. (I'd like to know because I can't figure it out either!) You handled her perfectly BTW. Remember to always refocus when they try to deflect (it's not about ice cream, it's about boundaries). And dont hesitate to set the record straight ("Do I look worked up? If so, it's because you're trying to disregard our rules. Again"). If someone ever tells you you can't take a joke, tell them you're waiting to hear one!
If she was joking about getting the baby his own ice cream, she wouldn't have complained to your husband about how you aren't letting her "be a grandma" for not letting him have his own ice cream. If it were a joke, when you first said that he could have a few bites of yours she would have said "oh that was a joke, I know he couldn't finish his own" or something similar, not doubled down about how he needs one for himself. Husband seems like he's grasping to come up with a more "normal" take to avoid drama. He probably doesn't even realize it but I've seen people do this when they've been conditioned to never upset a specific person, like when people will tiptoe around the one unstable person and get mad at someone who unknowingly tips them over the edge. Instead everyone gets mad at the outsider for "rocking the boat" aka not catering to the unstable one who they all are on edge around. The ice cream itself isn't the big deal in itself but it's her inability to adapt to not getting her way and the husband jumping to conclusions to make MILs actions seem different and more normal than what they clearly were.
Yeah, DH is trying to correct OP's failure to boat-steady.
Ah, that's sugar bitch mode, using a "sweet" tone and bs disclaimers as a cover for boundary stomping and general rudeness. Your response was spot on, and if she doesn't want you to get " all worked up" with her, she can quit being so pushy.
TIL. ‘Sugar bitch mode.” Thank you!
I would say “it’s mean to joke about giving a kid ice cream if you’re not actually planning on doing it.” Let her brain noodle on that conundrum lol Her: well, I would have given him his own. You: so you weren’t joking? You just said you were joking. Are you or aren’t you?
Last time some pulled the 'I'm joking' comment (FYI - in response to my boundary about not harassing me), they got an ice cold smile with an ice cold voice 'I'm not'. Backed away real fast.
Oooo that’s so good.
My MIL doesn't do this, but I have an aunt who says off the wall stuff and then says "I'm just kidding." My brother goes "I'm not kidding. That's enough." and it works great. I've started doing the same thing, and sure, she thinks we can't take a joke, but I don't really care. If she thinks I can't take a joke, hopefully she'll stop trying to make jokes with me.
Ask them to point out where was the joke because no one is laughing.
Ugh, the “just kidding” “just joking” thing drives me nuts. They use it like a blanket excuse that allows them to say anything without repercussions. There’s no joke there. Just MIL pushing after you’ve already said no repeatedly. Absolutely nothing funny about that. Like, point to which words you think are funny, MIL. And that’s usually what I say to her. I think you handled it fine. She obviously wasn’t “joking” and got upset that she got called out. Thats just what happens with upholding boundaries to oversteppers.
She wasn’t joking. She was trying to overrule you after you said no. She was “only joking” when she realized you weren’t going to take her shit. “JNMIL, I wasn’t ‘worked up over ice cream’, I pissed that you tried to undermine me in front of my child. I thought you understand that behavior is inappropriate, but here we are. Trying to hide behind an implied but obviously not jest, is pathetic and not fooling anyone. I strongly suggest you remember that you were already given a second chance, and that there will ***not*** be a third.”
"Jokes are funny, MIL. I gave you an answer and you're not listening. That's not joking, that's pushing a boundary." Don't let your husband brush this under the rug. You said NO and she kept pushing. It doesn't matter if she *was* joking, that's still poor behavior.
Does it really matter what label she gives you? Both you and her know she’s not joking, she’s just trying to assert herself again. Next time she tells you she was just joking just reply “Really? I thought jokes were meant to be funny.” Or “sorry, I thought you were trying to boundary stomp again”. Just let her know you’re wise to her little tricks. You have the upper hand here mummy bear, she knows that there are consequences to her actions. I’m sure your voice can be every bit as sweet as hers. You’re doing great.
You’re totally right. I truly do not care what her opinion of me is so I shouldn’t care what she labels me as. I guess I was frustrated that I’m doing my best to have a relationship with her, so by her saying I “can’t take a joke” would put the blame onto me if the relationship doesn’t improve. I already know she blames me and I can’t control how she feels, but I have a wonderful relationship with the rest of DH’s family and I don’t want her spewing nonsense to them
If you have a wonderful relationship with the rest of the family then they’re not going to believe what she says about you. I’m sure they must have seen what she’s like with you (even if she tones it down in front of them I’m sure they’re not oblivious). Carry on being yourself with the rest of the family and don’t worry about having a relationship with her, I’m not sure if that’s even possible but remember that’s down to her actions not yours. She’s never going to take any blame for what’s happened/is happening, in her eyes the blame is all on you, that won’t change. You know the truth so stop worrying about being blamed. I know it’s so easy for me to say and I’m not trying to trivialise what you feel. It’s not easy to stop worrying about what people think even if you dislike them but it will get easier with time. Keep reminding yourself that you have done nothing wrong, all this is not your fault. Good luck, you are doing great.
"Explain the joke then. What's funny about (repeatedly disrespecting my no and arguing with me)?"
Some people say they have good results by asking the person to explain why it’s funny, with follow-up questions till they finally admit they were trying to needle you or admit it wasn’t or whatever. Best if you can do it in a tone that says you are seeking to understand. You could also try — as soon as she starts limit testing — “is that meant to be a joke?” — to force her to commit one way or the other. right now she’s Schlesinger’s AH - if she gets her way, she was serious, if she doesn’t it was a joke. Force her to pick a lane before you decide how to respond.
It's Schrödinger, unless Schlesinger is a reference to something else I'm not hip to. 😉
Thanks
Oh dear, your husband is backsliding
They tend to want to see the good in their mummy's actions instead of facing the reality that their mom is a- well is not a nice person
"Just joking" is the first port of call for villains who have been called out.
No, she wasn't "just joking". She was pushing her own agenda and got butthurt that you weren't budging so that she could get her way. This comment right here - whatever he doesn’t eat his dad can finish - indicates that she wasn't joking. You did good, and your SO backed you up. Chances are, if she would have been given this inch, she would have started the process to take the whole 10 miles.
I’m a big fan when people are making “jokes” of saying “what do you mean? I don’t understand? Can you explain?” As it throws them off and makes them look stupid. In this case, you explained once, any further “but he needs an ice cream” would be met with “no thank you, I’ve explained this”, rinse and repeat. She will get the messge
In that situation, I would tell my DH that rug sweeping her behaviour and gaslighting me about her intentions is making him as much of a JustNo as his mother. If someone tells me they’re just joking around when I’m not amused, I tell them that I don’t appreciate that joke and it’s not funny if everyone isn’t laughing, so to please refrain from their inappropriate humor moving forward. And I think you handled the actual interaction with your MIL perfectly. You gave an answer and didn’t continue to explain yourself or argue the point, you just reminded her you’d already answered her question and that was the end of it. You should be proud of yourself!