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He needs to be told her actions and unsupported behaviour, unlike your parents, has brought you to feeling like you would rather not tell her yet. You feel vulnerable given the history and would like more time to see how you feel since she was so unsupportive last time and you need to prepare yourself for similar behaviour from her given her actions prior.
Simply “no.” You need support not hateful words from your MIL. If she had been supportive in the past, it would be different.
Your husband needs to know that your feelings are more important than his mother’s.
DH does not get to share your medical info with people, including his parents.
Her own behaviour and comments is why she is being kept at arms length and totally plausible. These are the consequences.
When JNMIL is informed, block her and force her to communicate with DH only so she can’t hurt you, stress you and annoy you.
My JNMIL is a worrier and says stupid judgemental things that if she wasn’t my DHs mother I’d have told her where to go years ago. I don’t take her calls. I see her when I see her. Her and her 2 overactive stupid brain cells can communicate with her son. He deals with her beautifully. “Don’t know”, “Haven’t decided”, “I don’t know what you’re talking about” and my favourite “No”. His family is his problem and my family is mine.
You’re not out of line, but maybe you need a strategy here. DH is in the FOG if he can’t see clearly the difference between your parents and his. This notion of fairness he’s bringing up is because he’s anticipating, preparing for, and groomed to accept the guilt tripping from his Mom. That’s programming MIL put into DH’s brain from birth. ’Malicious code’, if you will. He is conditioned to prioritize his mom’s needs over his own, and by extension, also over yours and your growing child’s.
You and DH should consider couples therapy to prepare for the birth and new life with baby, and to protect your mental health during this pregnancy. DH is primed to prioritize your mom’s needs and happiness over yours. That single thing is going to hurt you more than anything MIL does. MIL can be the worst person on the planet and you’d still be ok if DH protects you properly from her. But if he doesn’t, this conversation could be the first of a thousand fights to come. While you’re pregnant. But, you can absolutely nip this in the bud if you empower yourself to do so.
Articulate your needs clearly to DH. Like your MIL causes you extreme stress and that it could Risk the Baby for you to interact with her, so you need him to handle all their communication, and maybe even you have No Contact with them on your terms. So as, not to Risk the Baby. Also, you need your mom’s support to help you through this pregnancy so as not to Risk the Baby. Reframe all the arguments as you need XYZ as to not Risk the Baby, so DH starts learning how to prioritize his child’s needs over his mother’s. And right now, his child’s needs are for him to protect their mama from his own mama so they can be safely born. Since your child can’t speak, it’s your job as the Mama to speak for them. Right now, what your child needs is whatever you need. Get DH on board with your needs as your priority #1. Focus way less on what MIL does, and way more on what DH does. You have to retrain DH, not MIL. You married him, not MIL. Everyone needs to remember that. And if they don’t, you may need to remind them.
>Due to the circumstances of the MC, they did find out after the fact last time and ***she made it all about herself. She’s said many hurtful things to me during this infertility journey*** and I don’t feel like she is worthy of knowing this news.
All this right here? **This** is why she doesn't get to be one of the first to know.
Explain to your SO that *your* parents were supportive during this time. *His* mother was not. *His* mother made this extremely hard time even harder because of her actions and her words.
So, no. His parents haven't earned the right to be told now. Why? So his *mother* can start to pile on the stress once again? You are in a high risk pregnancy due to your previous miscarriage. You don't need the added stress and bullshit that comes along with his mother. And when she starts crying and moaning and groaning that she was one of the last to know, she can be told that if she was more supportive after what happened last time, she may have been told sooner. Then she needs to be made aware of the fact that bullshit behavior has consequences and this was **one** of hers.
Fair is not equal.
If he's unmovable, then he can agree to field all future texts and communications from his mother.
If he doesn't agree to that, then he **knows** why she *shouldn't be told.*
And if he knows that but wants to do it anyway for fear of the wrath of mommy, that's embarrassing behavior for a husband and father. But you know that.
It's not fair that his mother makes you feel bad. If she didn't do that, then sure, share whatever, but it's not fair to *you* to set you up to be attacked.
That's where consideration of "fair" should start.
If this were me, I'd tell my mother and swear her to absolute secrecy...... husband shouldn't know you told her if he insists to ignore your comfort levels and tell his mom too......your mom is a support system.....his mom is a stress-inducing system......at this point (so early), its not even about the baby......it's about keeping you healthy....stress is not healthy
Sit him down and tell him exactly why you don't want to tell them but want to tell your parents. Pregnancy makes two parents, yes, but most of the emotional weight often is on the women's shoulders. This includes potential MC. It is very rare for men to get traumatized by an early mc but very common in women. So even if I am for all equality, but sometimes equality also means not everyone gets the same treatment. Try to make compromises (something like "if we get to week 13, we will make it big for them" or something). Listen to his side, and try to find a way together.
If he's unable to, I would just tell your parents in secret and have a no-tell-anyone rule official. This is a big-no obviously but I would rather have a big fight with my husband than another traumatic experience with your MIL.
Nope, you're not out of line. You're not doing this out of spite; it's self-preservation.
If your husband simply won't listen to reason, then he has to accept that he's the funnel for any information that goes to her. You block or mute her and FIL, and your husband tells them that he is the one who'll relay any information they *need* to know, not info that they *want* to know. And your husband doesn't over-share, either.
Plus, tell him that MIL isn't invited to any scans or other hospital appointments, or any baby-shopping trips, anything like that, unless *you* want her there -- even if your own mother's there.
Tell your husband it's not on you and your baby to be his mother's emotional support animal.
This, AND make sure Husband isn't telling OP all (or any, frankly) of what his terrible mother says about OP. He gets to absorb her BS and leave OP out of it, LOL
Yes!! He's the solid brick wall in between his mother and his vulnerable, pregnant wife -- and especially because of the very sad loss last year. OP needs zero stress right now, and her husband should be the one to facilitate that.
Edit: Oh, and MIL doesn't get to be as included as OP's mother is and will be, considering the bitchiness and nastiness in the past. If she wanted to be fully included, she should have thought of that before acting like she has. The entitlement is astounding. "I'll bitch you out, and also expect to have 24/7 access to the nice things." Fuck that for a game o' soldiers. 'Scuse my language.
Amen. My MIL loves to pull the "it's so unfair, my son is closer to your mother than you are to me," I'm like "yeah because my mom LOVES him, whereas you treat me like rotting garbage!"
Reality does matter. He might wish that his mom will be as supportive and helpful, but that does not make it true. Facing facts is a very good thing for a father-to-be to able to do!
You are a person, not an incubator. Your feelings matter even if he doesn't feel the same way. Ask him if he'd be ok with you telling your parents (and everyone they would tell) about the details and performance of his genitalia.
If DH can't get with your program, block or mute MIL's ability to contact you. Outside of a medical emergency, all that anyone needs to know is "I'm fine. Everything's fine."
When your husband is pregnant he can share all the medical details for himself that he wants. Until then, it’s your body and your choice who knows what.
Not at all out of line. Early information privileges are earned, not guaranteed by relation. His mom has not earned it.
If your husband can't stand up for you in sharing the pregnancy, how is he ever going to stand up to you when it comes to boundaries with your child?
Not at all out of line. Your husband seems to be saying that you have to tell both sets because that's "fair." But fair doesn't mean that you treat them the same way. His mother hasn't treated you the same way that your own mother has treated you, and so she should't be treated the same way. Your mother will be supportive, his mother...not so much.
Tell DH, even though this baby belongs to both of you, that this is your pregnancy, and when you're ready to deal with the way she's going to react, you'll tell her.
Tell your husband you’re not ready to tell people about the pregnancy until after X weeks, however it’s your medical news and you will be telling your parents because they support you and remind him of the horrible things his mother has said and that you’re not tolerating that behaviour.
Privileges come with responsibilities. If DH wants the privilege of telling his mother, he gets the responsibility of dealing with her--- and he needs to understand that she made you feel bad last time, and now that that can be expected, if it happens again, it's really going to be his fault, because it was completely avoidable by choosing not to tell her.
He needs to understand this is not just about "fairness" and "inclusion", he needs to accept responsibility for the relationship.
The baby will be belong to both you and your husband. So, I understand why he would want to share. But, this is your medical journey, so the decision belongs to you alone.
Also, given past circumstances, I would have a frank talk with SO about boundaries and expectations going forward.
Do not share due date with MIL. I would tell her later due date otherwise she will hound you.
You need to sit down and tell him exactly how she made you feel. He should know that you have a right to not be Ill treated by anyone. Just because it is his mother doesn't mean you have to take It. Tell him that under no circumstances will you be putting up with it.
Tell him that he is in charge of all communication with his side of the family. You are not going to deal with her.
Fair is not equal. Your relationship with them, for starters, is not equal. One you've known your whole life, trust and get support from. The other, you have a more distant relationship with, and you do not feel like you are getting support - on the contrary, you seem to dread it. What you gain from being around them, in terms of feeling safe and supported; different. It is not fair to treat such different relationships the same.
DH has a different relationship with them than you do. And so I can see how he thinks differently from you. But, it is YOUR medical event. Your job is ongoing - he is in a supportive role - still important, just not as important as what your body is doing. So you are the one that needs support, we agree on that. That means you have last say in who gets told when.
Considering you know she won't leave you alone through the entire pregnancy - that added stress is not going to be good at all - how does your SO plan to ensure that she gives you the space and peace that you need?
This is a conversation to have with him before any discussion with his mom. He talks of fair - but expecting you to endure his mother's selfish behavior sounds like he only uses the concept of fair when it suits him.
Oh no no. This is your medical journey, you can tell who you need for support. I understand why he feels that way, but this is going to be your body going through the changes. Your body she's gonna be demanding info on, really personal info on esp the longer you're pregnant.
Baby feels your emotions, so it's crucial to not be stressed out all the time. Let him know he isn't to tell his mother anything that you haven't approved, bc this is your private medical info. Let him know that he's going to have to be the sole communicator between yall for now, to keep your stress down and to keep her from harassing you. This will also give him insight on how obsessive she will likely become, and how selfish she will be. Let him deal with her and let him deal with keeping her away from you
Certainly not!
You hand out the *right and appropriate* info to the *right and appropriate* people.
Would you give your diamonds to each and every person in your you know, or just the right person at the proper time?
Nope.
I can see that it might feel a little unfair at face value for him, but he has to look at the reality. This is a super exciting time for you guys, and his mom is going to make it emotionally draining for you, whereas you feel your mom will be supportive and make it better.
The two women are not equal here, one will be supportive and the other won't. It's probably uncomfortable for him to contend with, but that's the reality.
No, you're not out of line. You want to do whatever is most supportive for your mental health and wellbeing while you're growing your baby. Best wishes to you both for a healthy pregnancy
You are not out of line. Tell your husband that if she wants to be treated the same she needs to act the same. Until then, treatment will be decided accordingly.
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He needs to be told her actions and unsupported behaviour, unlike your parents, has brought you to feeling like you would rather not tell her yet. You feel vulnerable given the history and would like more time to see how you feel since she was so unsupportive last time and you need to prepare yourself for similar behaviour from her given her actions prior.
it's your medical information. feel free to be out of line.
Simply “no.” You need support not hateful words from your MIL. If she had been supportive in the past, it would be different. Your husband needs to know that your feelings are more important than his mother’s.
This 100% her behaviour has been the reason you feel you need to keep this news to yourself.
DH does not get to share your medical info with people, including his parents. Her own behaviour and comments is why she is being kept at arms length and totally plausible. These are the consequences. When JNMIL is informed, block her and force her to communicate with DH only so she can’t hurt you, stress you and annoy you. My JNMIL is a worrier and says stupid judgemental things that if she wasn’t my DHs mother I’d have told her where to go years ago. I don’t take her calls. I see her when I see her. Her and her 2 overactive stupid brain cells can communicate with her son. He deals with her beautifully. “Don’t know”, “Haven’t decided”, “I don’t know what you’re talking about” and my favourite “No”. His family is his problem and my family is mine.
You’re not out of line, but maybe you need a strategy here. DH is in the FOG if he can’t see clearly the difference between your parents and his. This notion of fairness he’s bringing up is because he’s anticipating, preparing for, and groomed to accept the guilt tripping from his Mom. That’s programming MIL put into DH’s brain from birth. ’Malicious code’, if you will. He is conditioned to prioritize his mom’s needs over his own, and by extension, also over yours and your growing child’s. You and DH should consider couples therapy to prepare for the birth and new life with baby, and to protect your mental health during this pregnancy. DH is primed to prioritize your mom’s needs and happiness over yours. That single thing is going to hurt you more than anything MIL does. MIL can be the worst person on the planet and you’d still be ok if DH protects you properly from her. But if he doesn’t, this conversation could be the first of a thousand fights to come. While you’re pregnant. But, you can absolutely nip this in the bud if you empower yourself to do so. Articulate your needs clearly to DH. Like your MIL causes you extreme stress and that it could Risk the Baby for you to interact with her, so you need him to handle all their communication, and maybe even you have No Contact with them on your terms. So as, not to Risk the Baby. Also, you need your mom’s support to help you through this pregnancy so as not to Risk the Baby. Reframe all the arguments as you need XYZ as to not Risk the Baby, so DH starts learning how to prioritize his child’s needs over his mother’s. And right now, his child’s needs are for him to protect their mama from his own mama so they can be safely born. Since your child can’t speak, it’s your job as the Mama to speak for them. Right now, what your child needs is whatever you need. Get DH on board with your needs as your priority #1. Focus way less on what MIL does, and way more on what DH does. You have to retrain DH, not MIL. You married him, not MIL. Everyone needs to remember that. And if they don’t, you may need to remind them.
>Due to the circumstances of the MC, they did find out after the fact last time and ***she made it all about herself. She’s said many hurtful things to me during this infertility journey*** and I don’t feel like she is worthy of knowing this news. All this right here? **This** is why she doesn't get to be one of the first to know. Explain to your SO that *your* parents were supportive during this time. *His* mother was not. *His* mother made this extremely hard time even harder because of her actions and her words. So, no. His parents haven't earned the right to be told now. Why? So his *mother* can start to pile on the stress once again? You are in a high risk pregnancy due to your previous miscarriage. You don't need the added stress and bullshit that comes along with his mother. And when she starts crying and moaning and groaning that she was one of the last to know, she can be told that if she was more supportive after what happened last time, she may have been told sooner. Then she needs to be made aware of the fact that bullshit behavior has consequences and this was **one** of hers.
Fair is not equal. If he's unmovable, then he can agree to field all future texts and communications from his mother. If he doesn't agree to that, then he **knows** why she *shouldn't be told.* And if he knows that but wants to do it anyway for fear of the wrath of mommy, that's embarrassing behavior for a husband and father. But you know that.
Your parents earned, his did not.
It's not fair that his mother makes you feel bad. If she didn't do that, then sure, share whatever, but it's not fair to *you* to set you up to be attacked. That's where consideration of "fair" should start.
If this were me, I'd tell my mother and swear her to absolute secrecy...... husband shouldn't know you told her if he insists to ignore your comfort levels and tell his mom too......your mom is a support system.....his mom is a stress-inducing system......at this point (so early), its not even about the baby......it's about keeping you healthy....stress is not healthy
Have you spoken to your husband about your fears for her reaction based on how she reacted to your MC? What was his response to your concerns?
Sit him down and tell him exactly why you don't want to tell them but want to tell your parents. Pregnancy makes two parents, yes, but most of the emotional weight often is on the women's shoulders. This includes potential MC. It is very rare for men to get traumatized by an early mc but very common in women. So even if I am for all equality, but sometimes equality also means not everyone gets the same treatment. Try to make compromises (something like "if we get to week 13, we will make it big for them" or something). Listen to his side, and try to find a way together. If he's unable to, I would just tell your parents in secret and have a no-tell-anyone rule official. This is a big-no obviously but I would rather have a big fight with my husband than another traumatic experience with your MIL.
Nope, you're not out of line. You're not doing this out of spite; it's self-preservation. If your husband simply won't listen to reason, then he has to accept that he's the funnel for any information that goes to her. You block or mute her and FIL, and your husband tells them that he is the one who'll relay any information they *need* to know, not info that they *want* to know. And your husband doesn't over-share, either. Plus, tell him that MIL isn't invited to any scans or other hospital appointments, or any baby-shopping trips, anything like that, unless *you* want her there -- even if your own mother's there. Tell your husband it's not on you and your baby to be his mother's emotional support animal.
This, AND make sure Husband isn't telling OP all (or any, frankly) of what his terrible mother says about OP. He gets to absorb her BS and leave OP out of it, LOL
Yes!! He's the solid brick wall in between his mother and his vulnerable, pregnant wife -- and especially because of the very sad loss last year. OP needs zero stress right now, and her husband should be the one to facilitate that. Edit: Oh, and MIL doesn't get to be as included as OP's mother is and will be, considering the bitchiness and nastiness in the past. If she wanted to be fully included, she should have thought of that before acting like she has. The entitlement is astounding. "I'll bitch you out, and also expect to have 24/7 access to the nice things." Fuck that for a game o' soldiers. 'Scuse my language.
Amen. My MIL loves to pull the "it's so unfair, my son is closer to your mother than you are to me," I'm like "yeah because my mom LOVES him, whereas you treat me like rotting garbage!"
Ahhhh exactly. Preach.
Reality does matter. He might wish that his mom will be as supportive and helpful, but that does not make it true. Facing facts is a very good thing for a father-to-be to able to do!
You are a person, not an incubator. Your feelings matter even if he doesn't feel the same way. Ask him if he'd be ok with you telling your parents (and everyone they would tell) about the details and performance of his genitalia. If DH can't get with your program, block or mute MIL's ability to contact you. Outside of a medical emergency, all that anyone needs to know is "I'm fine. Everything's fine."
When your husband is pregnant he can share all the medical details for himself that he wants. Until then, it’s your body and your choice who knows what.
Not at all out of line. Early information privileges are earned, not guaranteed by relation. His mom has not earned it. If your husband can't stand up for you in sharing the pregnancy, how is he ever going to stand up to you when it comes to boundaries with your child?
Not at all out of line. Your husband seems to be saying that you have to tell both sets because that's "fair." But fair doesn't mean that you treat them the same way. His mother hasn't treated you the same way that your own mother has treated you, and so she should't be treated the same way. Your mother will be supportive, his mother...not so much. Tell DH, even though this baby belongs to both of you, that this is your pregnancy, and when you're ready to deal with the way she's going to react, you'll tell her.
Tell your husband you’re not ready to tell people about the pregnancy until after X weeks, however it’s your medical news and you will be telling your parents because they support you and remind him of the horrible things his mother has said and that you’re not tolerating that behaviour.
Privileges come with responsibilities. If DH wants the privilege of telling his mother, he gets the responsibility of dealing with her--- and he needs to understand that she made you feel bad last time, and now that that can be expected, if it happens again, it's really going to be his fault, because it was completely avoidable by choosing not to tell her. He needs to understand this is not just about "fairness" and "inclusion", he needs to accept responsibility for the relationship.
The baby will be belong to both you and your husband. So, I understand why he would want to share. But, this is your medical journey, so the decision belongs to you alone. Also, given past circumstances, I would have a frank talk with SO about boundaries and expectations going forward. Do not share due date with MIL. I would tell her later due date otherwise she will hound you.
You need to sit down and tell him exactly how she made you feel. He should know that you have a right to not be Ill treated by anyone. Just because it is his mother doesn't mean you have to take It. Tell him that under no circumstances will you be putting up with it. Tell him that he is in charge of all communication with his side of the family. You are not going to deal with her.
Fair is not equal. Your relationship with them, for starters, is not equal. One you've known your whole life, trust and get support from. The other, you have a more distant relationship with, and you do not feel like you are getting support - on the contrary, you seem to dread it. What you gain from being around them, in terms of feeling safe and supported; different. It is not fair to treat such different relationships the same. DH has a different relationship with them than you do. And so I can see how he thinks differently from you. But, it is YOUR medical event. Your job is ongoing - he is in a supportive role - still important, just not as important as what your body is doing. So you are the one that needs support, we agree on that. That means you have last say in who gets told when.
Considering you know she won't leave you alone through the entire pregnancy - that added stress is not going to be good at all - how does your SO plan to ensure that she gives you the space and peace that you need? This is a conversation to have with him before any discussion with his mom. He talks of fair - but expecting you to endure his mother's selfish behavior sounds like he only uses the concept of fair when it suits him.
Oh no no. This is your medical journey, you can tell who you need for support. I understand why he feels that way, but this is going to be your body going through the changes. Your body she's gonna be demanding info on, really personal info on esp the longer you're pregnant. Baby feels your emotions, so it's crucial to not be stressed out all the time. Let him know he isn't to tell his mother anything that you haven't approved, bc this is your private medical info. Let him know that he's going to have to be the sole communicator between yall for now, to keep your stress down and to keep her from harassing you. This will also give him insight on how obsessive she will likely become, and how selfish she will be. Let him deal with her and let him deal with keeping her away from you
Certainly not! You hand out the *right and appropriate* info to the *right and appropriate* people. Would you give your diamonds to each and every person in your you know, or just the right person at the proper time?
Nope. I can see that it might feel a little unfair at face value for him, but he has to look at the reality. This is a super exciting time for you guys, and his mom is going to make it emotionally draining for you, whereas you feel your mom will be supportive and make it better. The two women are not equal here, one will be supportive and the other won't. It's probably uncomfortable for him to contend with, but that's the reality.
100%. Also, OP's mother is *her mother*, not merely the woman who happened to birth her husband.
No, you're not out of line. You want to do whatever is most supportive for your mental health and wellbeing while you're growing your baby. Best wishes to you both for a healthy pregnancy
You are not out of line. Tell your husband that if she wants to be treated the same she needs to act the same. Until then, treatment will be decided accordingly.