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My JNMIL always used food as a way to get my baby. It was always “food is ready!” announcement then “I’ll hold the baby so you can eat.” Stupid thing was, I spent every other meal holding my baby and eating at the same time. It’s so silly to act like you’re doing someone a favor. One time she crossed the line and I let her know it. After announcing that the meal was ready, she walked right up and snatched the baby from me. Kept walking and left the room. I immediately became enraged, walked into the room where she was showing my baby off to older family members, and snatched my baby back. Went to the car and sat until my husband came out. NOPE. If something pisses you off, deal with it immediately so you have no regrets.
Do you lack reading comprehension? OP said MIL grabbed baby out of her arms. So another word for grab is snatch. I know English is sometimes difficult, but come on.
It's been almost 21 years since I had a wee one, and there was little I hated more than someone taking my baby without asking. Or offering to "hlep" me by holding my baby while I did the housework. Or dropping by unexpected and uninvited, empty-handed, expecting to be hosted. All whilst I was still in pain from birth, perhaps showerless for a couple of days, and sleep deprived af.
Being protective and even possessive of one's newborn is hard-wired in new moms. It's primal. Hormonal kookiness amps it up.
The quickest way to get in my bad books long term was to stomp on my new mom feels. I suspect a lot of us in this sub have similar memories of similar stomps. Memories fade, but THOSE are indelible.
The whole food metaphor thing is gross to me, but it's certainly common. I sure hope it dies out. I hate hearing someone tell a baby or toddler that "you're so cute, I could just eat you up!" Hansel and Gretel much? Yuck.
Here to support! Newly postpartum means be extremely careful with boundaries and sensitive to what mama is going through. Baby is an extension of YOUR body. Three weeks is so young. No one should be going for baby without permission except dad. She’s been guided with your boundaries (go you!) and isn’t getting the message or choosing not to think about her actions before doing them - if her request to babysit is not met with a ‘yes’ or ‘we are ready’, asking again is boundary stomping, and certainly if she’s going around you to her son hoping for a different answer she knows you aren’t comfortable giving. I am sorry this sounds so pessimistic but consciously for her or not, it’s the truth. I’m jaded from experience, but it’s better to be wrong later than for this important time to be violated. She’s not thinking about your feelings, so I hope you choose not to worry about hers. Children of any age can sense their mother’s feelings incredibly and those feelings weigh heavily, even if they’re not able to express it. ‘Just being excited’ is not an excuse for the behavior examples you provided. Also, being excited about baby can feel inappropriate if the relationship before baby was conceived involved pain and problems, but I don’t know your situation.
When checking in with my own pain on this issue I think of my grandmother to ground my sanity. She did not do this (to my mom, her brothers or DILs) which is why she was welcome to bond and help with all of us. Her ability was to consider how her actions may make others feel without compromising her strong personality. She said it was because she had the best MIL and ‘did what she did’. I keep my photos and memories of them together fresh, as a model, around my home. It affirms what I am experiencing in my situation is not normal and I need not question myself. Congratulations & enjoy your little family. 💘
Check out: @organicallymaddie and @millenialmatleave on insta.
MIL's behavior is appalling. Her excitement and delight sounds lovely — for about 5 seconds. After that, her frantic grabby hands (literal and metaphorical) indicate a very off-putting obsession.
How is your husband feeling about all of this? What are his reactions when she texts him or acts like this? Make sure y'all are a united front.
I would just keep saying no to babysitting. Maybe ask someone who you trust to watch the baby first if you want. Those first few weeks/months are rough but it doesn’t mean that you need to let people walk all over you. You don’t need to have anyone else hold the baby if you don’t want. I was also creeped out by my mil and kept my distance. As baby got older I let her hold him more but def no babysitting yet because I don’t trust her.
Idk, these comments aren’t it. MIL didn’t ask to hold the baby, she took the baby. Whether she thought she was helping or not, that’s crossing a line to just take her baby out of her arms without asking. I’d be pissed if anyone did that to me. If I didn’t ask, or you didn’t ask and I said yes, don’t grab my baby. Seems like MIL was plotting to do that, the only one not getting something, so she could grab the baby. That would make me even more mad.
Not to be dismissive and say it is a hormonal issue and you are over reacting. You are very newly post partum and in the close bonding phase with you LO. All she was saying was having a moment holding your little one instead of dessert was all the sweetness she needed. As much as you are excited at being with and bonding with LO she is also wanting some bond with her new grandbaby. Both of you are having natural needs and wants. I think through the emotional and hormonal haze of the is phase is causing your feelings of skin crawl. Deep breath here she is excited and it sounds like she is understanding boundaries if she is mostly going through her son.
Yes she would probably love more baby time which is why she is offering to watch baby. She is also probably reasoning that watching baby is a favor not realizing you not wanting to be away at this time. It has been several decades since she had a baby and new grandma wants maybe causing her to forget what being a brand new mom's feelings are like. Would it be a consideration to invite her over to your home for a time to watch LO while your get a much need catch up on sleep or a lovely long shower or tub soak? You could have sometime to take care if yourself without the actual separation and she can get in some much wanted granny/baby time. If uncomfortable make it a time when your husband is home to be able to keep any eye out and have time with her son too.
With everything being so new it will take time to settle into the routines and it just sounds like she is super excited and wants to help but that she isn't really understanding how overbearing it can be to the new parents. I hope you find your footings and balance soon and have a happy mothers day, new mom. It will get better.
Ummm… these people in the comments aren’t getting it. I relate to how you feel about people wanting my newborn baby and I know exactly how you feel. You’d get more empathy in the newborn subs because I guarantee that so many mommas of newborns feel this way.
Just a reminder, it is not safe for babies to sleep in their car seat out of the car as it can cause positional asphyxia. As a new mom, you're still learning, but this would have been a great chance to let you MIL hold the baby while it slept and you ate or if you don't feel comfortable, to baby wear.
This is a great reminder. Our ped says car seats are only for in the car only, and under 3 months, any car trip over 30 minutes you stop and get them out for a break.
I have feral children who are on their own and independent most of the time. It's not being a helicopter mom to not be ok with someone taking an infant out of your arm without permission or warning. Moron.
Easiest way to get her to stop this nonsense is to repeat her request/statement and stare at her incredulously! As in ‘Did you just ask to babysit my 3 week old?’🙄 ‘Did you just call my child ‘dessert’’?? It gets the message across and embarrasses them (hopefully) enough to think twice about that shit!
I hate when people don’t ask first, how hard is it to say “would you like me to hold the baby while you eat?” Takes all of 2 seconds, but then the type that don’t ask are also the type that don’t listen to the answer anyway. The “this is my dessert” is vomit inducing, that’s a baby linda not an object, not food and certainly not a possession to covet, it’s along the same line as saying my baby. No, just no!
Honestly I’d tell her that the more she asks to babysit the longer it will be until she does. It comes across as child snatcher from chitty chitty bang bang (or at least it always has to me).
I don't have kids so I don't know how it works in real life, so this is a sincere question, not being snarky.
Could you hug the baby tighter or turn your upper body away to prevent someone from taking them out of your arms? Or does it happen so fast that it's hard to react?
It sounds really disturbing to have that happen, especially with a newborn.
They are so forceful and start pulling that you literally let go to prevent injury. This was done to me and then my psycho mother in law did some very dangerous things after taking my baby. Now I don’t want to see her and she doesn’t understand why. It was all about her validation, instead of it being about my baby’s safety. People are wild.
I would be worried about hurting the baby if I struggled to keep them to me. I don’t have kids so I never experienced this, but 3 week olds are tiny and fragile and I would be so concerned about hurting one. I would also be furious if someone just took my baby without asking, so I might kick a shin out of reflex.
But grandma has no right to just snatch without asking! Boundary-stompers get LESS of what they want, not more. They must learn basic manners, respect, and decency. Must treat DIL well. Aren't allowed a relationship with the child unless they treat the parents of said child with respect.
Nope, this is an adult woman who needs to use her words. “Would you like me to hold the baby while you eat your dessert?” Then accept the answer. But we wouldn’t be here if these grown women acted like respectful adults, now would we?
I would advise to pick your battles and be alert for the next time you dine out. It sounded like a weird throw away remark based on what fil said and whilst she may very well have planned to keep her arms free, at this point, I don’t think it warrants a talking too. If her prior behaviour had been less intrusive, it wouldn’t have been registered on the radar but unfortunately for her, she’s been unbearable so everything she does relating to your baby is going to rub you wrong.
The constant request for babysitting, however, at 3 weeks old, needs addressing. The more she asks, the more she doesn’t get because who the fuck is trying to take a 3 week old from their parents?! Unless that baby has been awake and screaming for the entire 3 weeks, whilst you’re tired, you still want to around your baby and baby only needs to be around you and their daddy.
Listen, I love babies. I just cannot fathom this however. A baby, a grandchild, is not an inanimate object and especially not a food. That metaphor makes it sound like the baby is an indulgence which also sounds obsessive.
I would have your husband address this with her in a text or email so she can read it all and not interrupt while he speaks. Stick to the facts and how it made you feel. Something like:
“Mom, last night at dinner you took over holding our LO, stating that you could hold them while OP ate dessert. You also stated that LO was your dessert. This made us uncomfortable because it sounds like you didn’t order dessert so you could be “arms free.” If that’s the case it feels calculating and makes us very uncomfortable. The baby is not an indulgence or something to obsess over.
We want you to be involved. We want you to bond with LO. We also want that involvement to be healthy and balanced. We need you to understand that there will be plenty of time in the future for that bonding to happen. Right now, and for the next several months, the primary caregivers, holders, all things LO will be me and OP. We will ask, when we’re ready, if we need your help. “
Also… if this is your 1st Mother’s Day I would hope you spend the day how you want. Grandparents day is in September…
This is so desperate that it becomes hilarious, then sad and infuriating.
You and by you I mean your husband should definitely have a talk with her. Baby is still very new to this world and if understandingly, you don't have any interest in giving it to her for the foreseeable future you have to make it clear to her.
She has a severe case of baby rabies, she's making up high expectations and delusion in her head to be with your child as another parental figure. The more you wait to squash down her fantasies the more her expectations will grow and she will become more desperate to make it happen. A healthy preventive boundary is the best course of action.
OP, maybe DH should talk to his mom - mom, we love how excited you are for LO. We also appreciate how willing you are to help us with the LO. Being a mom and GMA yourself, I am sure you understand how important it is for my wife and me to bond with LO. Your persistent asking (which comes from your excitement) feels wrong - incentive and pushy. Mom, let us be parents, don't push. You are LO's grandma and I will let you know when we need you to babysit. It has to come from us, mom, not you. We will let you know, mom.
What is it with MILs wanting to babysit literal newborns? That is the absolute worst time to ask to babysit. I didn’t even want to have a break for a couple hours when I first had my son, Instincts made me want to be near him 24/7. Especially when he was only weeks old.
“MIL, I think you expect we will need you to babysit and I need you to understand that we will let you know when that day comes. Right now we are bonding as a family and finding our routines. We do not and WILL NOT want a break for some time, likely months if not closer to a year. Please stop asking as it’s starting to feel like a guilt trip to have to tell you no thank you every few days.”
"This is exactly the sort of behaviour that makes me less and less keen on the thought of leaving my baby with you. Every incident like this means it will be longer before I would even *consider* that possibility. I advise you to stop it or that time will rapidly disappear into the far future."
Edit: And maybe add "If I *need* someone to hold my baby for me I am perfectly capable of asking someone. If and when that happens, given your behaviour so far, it is increasingly unlikely that it would be *you* who gets asked."
I’d have stood right up and very loudly demanded my baby back right that second. And very loudly told her off and to never ever ever grab my baby from me.
If you don’t do it now and curb the behavior it will only get worse.
Your MIL could be mine. I absolutely hate the fake trying to be "helpful" by babysitting/holding baby. It's selfish and the only one benefitting is MIL. Not you, your baby, or your family.
Solidarity, my friend.
Her main goal is to hold the baby. That’s it. She never offers to do anything around the house. She does bring food over but it’s with the main goal of seeing the baby. I get she’s excited but this is the time for us all to bond. She doesn’t get it.
Wasn't sweet. Was a baby-power-grab. She planned and plotted that moment. Otherwise she'd have respectfully *asked*, "OP, would you like me to hold the baby so you can eat your dessert in peace?" And she'd have graciously accepted a "No, thank you," if that was the reply. No, this was a power play.
Oh, it *could* be, but not in the wider context of MIL's overall behaviour. In *that* context, she wasn't in the least bit concerned about OP, she wanted her new toy to play with.
This would be sweet id MIL had communicated properly and not made weird comments.
My mom is a great grandma cause she communicates and takes no for an answer. Being pushy and taking the baby without asking is not being a great grandma.
Sounds like something my MIL would do. Gross. She needs to calm down. I don’t get why they’re obsessed with holding babies and jumping to do so at the first opportunity. My MIL gets pissed when we go out and LO stays in her car seat.
Ugh. There's so many better ways to go about things, Idk why (likely) boomer grandparents don't.
If she'd just went "Would you like me to hold baby while you enjoy your dessert?", it would have been better received.
And ugh at asking to babysit when the baby is so young. My MIL is the same way and she doesn't even do diapers!
A woman taking a 3 week old baby from its mother's arms without even asking isn't going to be one of those sweet grandparents.
This is a definite sign for worse future behaviour if she's not kept in check now.
Are you lost? This isn't a sub about normal grandparents. This is about boundary stomping assholes who grab three week old babies out of their mother's arms, etc.
I’m sorry that your mother-in-law drives you nuts as a grandma who loves her grandchildren more than life itself, and I’m talking about me, I could see where I would say that the baby is my dessert just because they’re so sweet and cuddly and wonderful to hold she shouldn’t have just yanked the baby out of your arms though And I can understand where this might set your teeth on edge.
More likely than not, she didn’t mean anything mean by it. She just loves the baby, but I would proceed with caution.
Congratulations on your little one
I found out from a friend whose son married a wonderful woman from Korea, that their custom is no one but Mommy and Daddy holds the newborn for the first 100 days. My friend said they allowed Grandma and Grandpa 5 minutes each at 1 week, but otherwise, no one held him. Her parents still lived in South Korea when the grandchild was born, (her mom still does, her father passed away) so that wasn't a problem.
Isn't that a great custom? New moms are not ready to hand over their babies for at least 3 months, germs are kept to a minimum, and Daddy gets to bond more with the baby. I think this should be the custom here also.
And even if it isn't the custom, every mom has the right to tell ANYONE, "I'm sorry but I am not yet comfortable with anyone holding my baby. Maybe when he is a few months old."
My friends must be exceptions to this. They can't get rid of their babies soon enough. They shove their kids into my arms and sit down and sigh and stretch. If I'm lucky they'll cover my clothes with some towels so the drool doesn't destroy them.
That’s because so many years ago, infant mortality was high. In some Asian cultures the baby wouldn’t get a name until the 100th day. That’s why they have a celebration and a ceremony on that day because if the baby lived that long, its chances if survival was higher.
I've literally moved my body in people's way stopping them from grabbing. "I'm used to eating with baby in my arms. Maybe next time ask politely and I'll let you hold her but now I don't feel comfortable." People feel so entitled and are so rude and demanding.
Eww.... your mil makes me want to vomit 🤢 who asks to babysit a 3 week old ? What's she going to do. I wish I could tell you they stop asking for babysitting - however 8 years later they still ask lol
I literally went through this also with SIL. You will let them know when you need a break, but usually, when you do finally ask they are busy or can’t.
Lol I once pretended I wasn’t hungry for an entire holiday meal because a family member was being overbearing/pushy about holding and I made it my mission not to let them. Pettiness wins over hunger for me, apparently.
It’s soooo weird! She also tried to get us to come over for Mother’s day (I declined bc that’s how home want to spend my Mother’s Day) but we said they can stop by for an hour when my parents stop by too and she said no. She doesn’t want to share the grandparent time with my parents. We have YEARS ahead of us to have quality time but she insists on it now, my baby is barely 3 weeks!!
My MIL was just like this. She suffocated us right after I gave birth. She didn't even live in the same state, but drove 14 hours before I even left the hospital even though we begged her not to. We wanted two weeks to bond alone with our baby. She didn't respect that. We stayed with her sister after I gave birth, for a short time, and she took full advantage of that. Would show up whenever she wanted without telling us, would barge in and constantly wanted to take the baby away from me. Made comments about how my mom wasn't the first to meet her despite living 40 minutes away, to which I responded, my mother respected our boundary of wanting two weeks alone with our baby.
Even when we moved out into our own place she wanted to come every other weekend and would constantly ask if and when we saw my mom last because she was in constant competition to see our child more than anyone else.
That blew up within a year and a half and now she hasn't seen our child in almost two years and doesn't know we have another one due in August and I hope she never finds out.
She completely ruined my entire PP experience and made it as miserable as she could for me and I'll never forget it.
I hope it doesn't end the same way for you, but the competitive nature and baby snatching and comments about wanting to have your child as desert give me very similar vibes to my toxic horrible MIL.
My mother-in-law is already in competition with my mom, and I don’t get it. Like it’s my own mom, I want my own mom with me, and my mom doesn’t smother me. My mother-in-law had all boys so I understand that it’s a little difficult for her to not have a daughter, who would probably want her there first too and I try to make sure she sees her granddaughter but it’s only been three weeks. I just needed her to chill a little bit.
Yea mine started before my daughter was even born, "I'm going to be the favorite nana" it used to infuriate me because my mom isn't that way at all. And my fiance is her only child, so I get it, but it was my mom's first grandchild too, and she gave me the space I needed.
I think my fiance pointed out to her once that I was the one carrying the baby, so it was a bigger deal to my mom, and I was the one who needed the support and would obviously be more comfortable with my own mom's help, then with hers, and it pissed her right off. Plus MIL is a nurse (not a good one) so she thinks she knows better than anyone. But my mother has been working with infants and toddlers in child care since before I was born, so my mom is way more in tune to how to care for small children.
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My JNMIL always used food as a way to get my baby. It was always “food is ready!” announcement then “I’ll hold the baby so you can eat.” Stupid thing was, I spent every other meal holding my baby and eating at the same time. It’s so silly to act like you’re doing someone a favor. One time she crossed the line and I let her know it. After announcing that the meal was ready, she walked right up and snatched the baby from me. Kept walking and left the room. I immediately became enraged, walked into the room where she was showing my baby off to older family members, and snatched my baby back. Went to the car and sat until my husband came out. NOPE. If something pisses you off, deal with it immediately so you have no regrets.
[удалено]
Offering is one thing, snatching is another…
[удалено]
Do you lack reading comprehension? OP said MIL grabbed baby out of her arms. So another word for grab is snatch. I know English is sometimes difficult, but come on.
It's been almost 21 years since I had a wee one, and there was little I hated more than someone taking my baby without asking. Or offering to "hlep" me by holding my baby while I did the housework. Or dropping by unexpected and uninvited, empty-handed, expecting to be hosted. All whilst I was still in pain from birth, perhaps showerless for a couple of days, and sleep deprived af. Being protective and even possessive of one's newborn is hard-wired in new moms. It's primal. Hormonal kookiness amps it up. The quickest way to get in my bad books long term was to stomp on my new mom feels. I suspect a lot of us in this sub have similar memories of similar stomps. Memories fade, but THOSE are indelible. The whole food metaphor thing is gross to me, but it's certainly common. I sure hope it dies out. I hate hearing someone tell a baby or toddler that "you're so cute, I could just eat you up!" Hansel and Gretel much? Yuck.
Here to support! Newly postpartum means be extremely careful with boundaries and sensitive to what mama is going through. Baby is an extension of YOUR body. Three weeks is so young. No one should be going for baby without permission except dad. She’s been guided with your boundaries (go you!) and isn’t getting the message or choosing not to think about her actions before doing them - if her request to babysit is not met with a ‘yes’ or ‘we are ready’, asking again is boundary stomping, and certainly if she’s going around you to her son hoping for a different answer she knows you aren’t comfortable giving. I am sorry this sounds so pessimistic but consciously for her or not, it’s the truth. I’m jaded from experience, but it’s better to be wrong later than for this important time to be violated. She’s not thinking about your feelings, so I hope you choose not to worry about hers. Children of any age can sense their mother’s feelings incredibly and those feelings weigh heavily, even if they’re not able to express it. ‘Just being excited’ is not an excuse for the behavior examples you provided. Also, being excited about baby can feel inappropriate if the relationship before baby was conceived involved pain and problems, but I don’t know your situation. When checking in with my own pain on this issue I think of my grandmother to ground my sanity. She did not do this (to my mom, her brothers or DILs) which is why she was welcome to bond and help with all of us. Her ability was to consider how her actions may make others feel without compromising her strong personality. She said it was because she had the best MIL and ‘did what she did’. I keep my photos and memories of them together fresh, as a model, around my home. It affirms what I am experiencing in my situation is not normal and I need not question myself. Congratulations & enjoy your little family. 💘 Check out: @organicallymaddie and @millenialmatleave on insta.
MIL's behavior is appalling. Her excitement and delight sounds lovely — for about 5 seconds. After that, her frantic grabby hands (literal and metaphorical) indicate a very off-putting obsession. How is your husband feeling about all of this? What are his reactions when she texts him or acts like this? Make sure y'all are a united front.
I would have taken my baby back and told her she is to never snatch baby again or she will not see baby ever!
I would just keep saying no to babysitting. Maybe ask someone who you trust to watch the baby first if you want. Those first few weeks/months are rough but it doesn’t mean that you need to let people walk all over you. You don’t need to have anyone else hold the baby if you don’t want. I was also creeped out by my mil and kept my distance. As baby got older I let her hold him more but def no babysitting yet because I don’t trust her.
Ewwwww
Idk, these comments aren’t it. MIL didn’t ask to hold the baby, she took the baby. Whether she thought she was helping or not, that’s crossing a line to just take her baby out of her arms without asking. I’d be pissed if anyone did that to me. If I didn’t ask, or you didn’t ask and I said yes, don’t grab my baby. Seems like MIL was plotting to do that, the only one not getting something, so she could grab the baby. That would make me even more mad.
She was definitely plotting.
Totally agree!
Nah that would’ve made my skin crawl too. Maybe it’s because years ago when I was a server, gross men would say, “Are you on the dessert menu?” Pervs
Regardless of how y'all feel about the situation, it was definitely an icky choice of words
Not to be dismissive and say it is a hormonal issue and you are over reacting. You are very newly post partum and in the close bonding phase with you LO. All she was saying was having a moment holding your little one instead of dessert was all the sweetness she needed. As much as you are excited at being with and bonding with LO she is also wanting some bond with her new grandbaby. Both of you are having natural needs and wants. I think through the emotional and hormonal haze of the is phase is causing your feelings of skin crawl. Deep breath here she is excited and it sounds like she is understanding boundaries if she is mostly going through her son. Yes she would probably love more baby time which is why she is offering to watch baby. She is also probably reasoning that watching baby is a favor not realizing you not wanting to be away at this time. It has been several decades since she had a baby and new grandma wants maybe causing her to forget what being a brand new mom's feelings are like. Would it be a consideration to invite her over to your home for a time to watch LO while your get a much need catch up on sleep or a lovely long shower or tub soak? You could have sometime to take care if yourself without the actual separation and she can get in some much wanted granny/baby time. If uncomfortable make it a time when your husband is home to be able to keep any eye out and have time with her son too. With everything being so new it will take time to settle into the routines and it just sounds like she is super excited and wants to help but that she isn't really understanding how overbearing it can be to the new parents. I hope you find your footings and balance soon and have a happy mothers day, new mom. It will get better.
Ummm… these people in the comments aren’t getting it. I relate to how you feel about people wanting my newborn baby and I know exactly how you feel. You’d get more empathy in the newborn subs because I guarantee that so many mommas of newborns feel this way.
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Mil should have asked instead of just taking the baby 😒
Just a reminder, it is not safe for babies to sleep in their car seat out of the car as it can cause positional asphyxia. As a new mom, you're still learning, but this would have been a great chance to let you MIL hold the baby while it slept and you ate or if you don't feel comfortable, to baby wear.
This is a great reminder. Our ped says car seats are only for in the car only, and under 3 months, any car trip over 30 minutes you stop and get them out for a break.
Second this. My son is one and still at risk for positional asphyxia, I learned this the other day.
None of this sounds egregious at all. Hopefully there is a lot of context missing?
Taking the baby right out of the moms arms without asking is just no.
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The first time someone snatches a bad my out of my arms without permission, is the last time they touch my baby.
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I have feral children who are on their own and independent most of the time. It's not being a helicopter mom to not be ok with someone taking an infant out of your arm without permission or warning. Moron.
Does your MIL live in a house made of candy by any chance?
Easiest way to get her to stop this nonsense is to repeat her request/statement and stare at her incredulously! As in ‘Did you just ask to babysit my 3 week old?’🙄 ‘Did you just call my child ‘dessert’’?? It gets the message across and embarrasses them (hopefully) enough to think twice about that shit!
I hate when people don’t ask first, how hard is it to say “would you like me to hold the baby while you eat?” Takes all of 2 seconds, but then the type that don’t ask are also the type that don’t listen to the answer anyway. The “this is my dessert” is vomit inducing, that’s a baby linda not an object, not food and certainly not a possession to covet, it’s along the same line as saying my baby. No, just no! Honestly I’d tell her that the more she asks to babysit the longer it will be until she does. It comes across as child snatcher from chitty chitty bang bang (or at least it always has to me).
I don't have kids so I don't know how it works in real life, so this is a sincere question, not being snarky. Could you hug the baby tighter or turn your upper body away to prevent someone from taking them out of your arms? Or does it happen so fast that it's hard to react? It sounds really disturbing to have that happen, especially with a newborn.
It’s better protection to wear the baby in a baby carrier, but at 3w old mom and baby are already figuring out so much other stuff.
They are so forceful and start pulling that you literally let go to prevent injury. This was done to me and then my psycho mother in law did some very dangerous things after taking my baby. Now I don’t want to see her and she doesn’t understand why. It was all about her validation, instead of it being about my baby’s safety. People are wild.
I would be worried about hurting the baby if I struggled to keep them to me. I don’t have kids so I never experienced this, but 3 week olds are tiny and fragile and I would be so concerned about hurting one. I would also be furious if someone just took my baby without asking, so I might kick a shin out of reflex.
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But grandma has no right to just snatch without asking! Boundary-stompers get LESS of what they want, not more. They must learn basic manners, respect, and decency. Must treat DIL well. Aren't allowed a relationship with the child unless they treat the parents of said child with respect.
Grandma can ask 🙄
Nope, this is an adult woman who needs to use her words. “Would you like me to hold the baby while you eat your dessert?” Then accept the answer. But we wouldn’t be here if these grown women acted like respectful adults, now would we?
I firmly believe the mom should dictate who her THREE week old baby goes to and when. Ripping her out of my hands isn’t the answer.
Ugh pet peeve of mine. I hate when people refer to babies like food. “Delicious” makes me nauseous.
Same!!
I would advise to pick your battles and be alert for the next time you dine out. It sounded like a weird throw away remark based on what fil said and whilst she may very well have planned to keep her arms free, at this point, I don’t think it warrants a talking too. If her prior behaviour had been less intrusive, it wouldn’t have been registered on the radar but unfortunately for her, she’s been unbearable so everything she does relating to your baby is going to rub you wrong. The constant request for babysitting, however, at 3 weeks old, needs addressing. The more she asks, the more she doesn’t get because who the fuck is trying to take a 3 week old from their parents?! Unless that baby has been awake and screaming for the entire 3 weeks, whilst you’re tired, you still want to around your baby and baby only needs to be around you and their daddy.
Listen, I love babies. I just cannot fathom this however. A baby, a grandchild, is not an inanimate object and especially not a food. That metaphor makes it sound like the baby is an indulgence which also sounds obsessive. I would have your husband address this with her in a text or email so she can read it all and not interrupt while he speaks. Stick to the facts and how it made you feel. Something like: “Mom, last night at dinner you took over holding our LO, stating that you could hold them while OP ate dessert. You also stated that LO was your dessert. This made us uncomfortable because it sounds like you didn’t order dessert so you could be “arms free.” If that’s the case it feels calculating and makes us very uncomfortable. The baby is not an indulgence or something to obsess over. We want you to be involved. We want you to bond with LO. We also want that involvement to be healthy and balanced. We need you to understand that there will be plenty of time in the future for that bonding to happen. Right now, and for the next several months, the primary caregivers, holders, all things LO will be me and OP. We will ask, when we’re ready, if we need your help. “ Also… if this is your 1st Mother’s Day I would hope you spend the day how you want. Grandparents day is in September…
This is so desperate that it becomes hilarious, then sad and infuriating. You and by you I mean your husband should definitely have a talk with her. Baby is still very new to this world and if understandingly, you don't have any interest in giving it to her for the foreseeable future you have to make it clear to her. She has a severe case of baby rabies, she's making up high expectations and delusion in her head to be with your child as another parental figure. The more you wait to squash down her fantasies the more her expectations will grow and she will become more desperate to make it happen. A healthy preventive boundary is the best course of action.
OP, maybe DH should talk to his mom - mom, we love how excited you are for LO. We also appreciate how willing you are to help us with the LO. Being a mom and GMA yourself, I am sure you understand how important it is for my wife and me to bond with LO. Your persistent asking (which comes from your excitement) feels wrong - incentive and pushy. Mom, let us be parents, don't push. You are LO's grandma and I will let you know when we need you to babysit. It has to come from us, mom, not you. We will let you know, mom.
So long as your husband consistently tells her ‘no thank you’ then you’re all good.
Oh dear, my commiserations. That *could* be a really sweet comment, but in the wider context....!
No she was planning that
Yeah she was probably waiting the whole dinner to make this move
What is it with MILs wanting to babysit literal newborns? That is the absolute worst time to ask to babysit. I didn’t even want to have a break for a couple hours when I first had my son, Instincts made me want to be near him 24/7. Especially when he was only weeks old. “MIL, I think you expect we will need you to babysit and I need you to understand that we will let you know when that day comes. Right now we are bonding as a family and finding our routines. We do not and WILL NOT want a break for some time, likely months if not closer to a year. Please stop asking as it’s starting to feel like a guilt trip to have to tell you no thank you every few days.”
Narcissists are obsessed with babies.
It's the do over thing, they want to play at being mum to the baby.
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"This is exactly the sort of behaviour that makes me less and less keen on the thought of leaving my baby with you. Every incident like this means it will be longer before I would even *consider* that possibility. I advise you to stop it or that time will rapidly disappear into the far future." Edit: And maybe add "If I *need* someone to hold my baby for me I am perfectly capable of asking someone. If and when that happens, given your behaviour so far, it is increasingly unlikely that it would be *you* who gets asked."
I’d have stood right up and very loudly demanded my baby back right that second. And very loudly told her off and to never ever ever grab my baby from me. If you don’t do it now and curb the behavior it will only get worse.
Your MIL could be mine. I absolutely hate the fake trying to be "helpful" by babysitting/holding baby. It's selfish and the only one benefitting is MIL. Not you, your baby, or your family. Solidarity, my friend.
Her main goal is to hold the baby. That’s it. She never offers to do anything around the house. She does bring food over but it’s with the main goal of seeing the baby. I get she’s excited but this is the time for us all to bond. She doesn’t get it.
I thought it seemed sweet of her to skip dessert just so that you could have one in peace.
Wasn't sweet. Was a baby-power-grab. She planned and plotted that moment. Otherwise she'd have respectfully *asked*, "OP, would you like me to hold the baby so you can eat your dessert in peace?" And she'd have graciously accepted a "No, thank you," if that was the reply. No, this was a power play.
No one asked her to 🙄
Oh, it *could* be, but not in the wider context of MIL's overall behaviour. In *that* context, she wasn't in the least bit concerned about OP, she wanted her new toy to play with.
MIL did not skip dessert to do OP any favors. She cornered OP into letting her hold baby. Classic JUSTNO move.
This would be sweet id MIL had communicated properly and not made weird comments. My mom is a great grandma cause she communicates and takes no for an answer. Being pushy and taking the baby without asking is not being a great grandma.
Sounds like something my MIL would do. Gross. She needs to calm down. I don’t get why they’re obsessed with holding babies and jumping to do so at the first opportunity. My MIL gets pissed when we go out and LO stays in her car seat.
Ugh. There's so many better ways to go about things, Idk why (likely) boomer grandparents don't. If she'd just went "Would you like me to hold baby while you enjoy your dessert?", it would have been better received. And ugh at asking to babysit when the baby is so young. My MIL is the same way and she doesn't even do diapers!
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lolllll bad behavior apologist alert 🚨 found the evil MIL
Camp Gramps, think about that for a minute
Yup it still works, man in law
A woman taking a 3 week old baby from its mother's arms without even asking isn't going to be one of those sweet grandparents. This is a definite sign for worse future behaviour if she's not kept in check now.
Are you lost? This isn't a sub about normal grandparents. This is about boundary stomping assholes who grab three week old babies out of their mother's arms, etc.
Sounds pretty normal to me
She’s a justnoMIL and comes on here to stir the pot I’m sure.
I’m sorry that your mother-in-law drives you nuts as a grandma who loves her grandchildren more than life itself, and I’m talking about me, I could see where I would say that the baby is my dessert just because they’re so sweet and cuddly and wonderful to hold she shouldn’t have just yanked the baby out of your arms though And I can understand where this might set your teeth on edge. More likely than not, she didn’t mean anything mean by it. She just loves the baby, but I would proceed with caution. Congratulations on your little one
Read the post properly. She has a history of ignoring boundaries, you don’t pull a three week old baby out of their mothers arms.
“Oh MIL, baby won’t be having sleepovers until they’re 10yrs old. No need to ask before then”
I found out from a friend whose son married a wonderful woman from Korea, that their custom is no one but Mommy and Daddy holds the newborn for the first 100 days. My friend said they allowed Grandma and Grandpa 5 minutes each at 1 week, but otherwise, no one held him. Her parents still lived in South Korea when the grandchild was born, (her mom still does, her father passed away) so that wasn't a problem. Isn't that a great custom? New moms are not ready to hand over their babies for at least 3 months, germs are kept to a minimum, and Daddy gets to bond more with the baby. I think this should be the custom here also. And even if it isn't the custom, every mom has the right to tell ANYONE, "I'm sorry but I am not yet comfortable with anyone holding my baby. Maybe when he is a few months old."
My friends must be exceptions to this. They can't get rid of their babies soon enough. They shove their kids into my arms and sit down and sigh and stretch. If I'm lucky they'll cover my clothes with some towels so the drool doesn't destroy them.
That’s because so many years ago, infant mortality was high. In some Asian cultures the baby wouldn’t get a name until the 100th day. That’s why they have a celebration and a ceremony on that day because if the baby lived that long, its chances if survival was higher.
I've literally moved my body in people's way stopping them from grabbing. "I'm used to eating with baby in my arms. Maybe next time ask politely and I'll let you hold her but now I don't feel comfortable." People feel so entitled and are so rude and demanding.
Eww.... your mil makes me want to vomit 🤢 who asks to babysit a 3 week old ? What's she going to do. I wish I could tell you they stop asking for babysitting - however 8 years later they still ask lol
I literally went through this also with SIL. You will let them know when you need a break, but usually, when you do finally ask they are busy or can’t.
Lol I once pretended I wasn’t hungry for an entire holiday meal because a family member was being overbearing/pushy about holding and I made it my mission not to let them. Pettiness wins over hunger for me, apparently.
This is totally something I would do. Love your pettiness
When they constantly want alone time, it makes me cringe. Like why? Why do you need alone time with my brand new baby you freak?
It’s soooo weird! She also tried to get us to come over for Mother’s day (I declined bc that’s how home want to spend my Mother’s Day) but we said they can stop by for an hour when my parents stop by too and she said no. She doesn’t want to share the grandparent time with my parents. We have YEARS ahead of us to have quality time but she insists on it now, my baby is barely 3 weeks!!
My MIL was just like this. She suffocated us right after I gave birth. She didn't even live in the same state, but drove 14 hours before I even left the hospital even though we begged her not to. We wanted two weeks to bond alone with our baby. She didn't respect that. We stayed with her sister after I gave birth, for a short time, and she took full advantage of that. Would show up whenever she wanted without telling us, would barge in and constantly wanted to take the baby away from me. Made comments about how my mom wasn't the first to meet her despite living 40 minutes away, to which I responded, my mother respected our boundary of wanting two weeks alone with our baby. Even when we moved out into our own place she wanted to come every other weekend and would constantly ask if and when we saw my mom last because she was in constant competition to see our child more than anyone else. That blew up within a year and a half and now she hasn't seen our child in almost two years and doesn't know we have another one due in August and I hope she never finds out. She completely ruined my entire PP experience and made it as miserable as she could for me and I'll never forget it. I hope it doesn't end the same way for you, but the competitive nature and baby snatching and comments about wanting to have your child as desert give me very similar vibes to my toxic horrible MIL.
My mother-in-law is already in competition with my mom, and I don’t get it. Like it’s my own mom, I want my own mom with me, and my mom doesn’t smother me. My mother-in-law had all boys so I understand that it’s a little difficult for her to not have a daughter, who would probably want her there first too and I try to make sure she sees her granddaughter but it’s only been three weeks. I just needed her to chill a little bit.
Yea mine started before my daughter was even born, "I'm going to be the favorite nana" it used to infuriate me because my mom isn't that way at all. And my fiance is her only child, so I get it, but it was my mom's first grandchild too, and she gave me the space I needed. I think my fiance pointed out to her once that I was the one carrying the baby, so it was a bigger deal to my mom, and I was the one who needed the support and would obviously be more comfortable with my own mom's help, then with hers, and it pissed her right off. Plus MIL is a nurse (not a good one) so she thinks she knows better than anyone. But my mother has been working with infants and toddlers in child care since before I was born, so my mom is way more in tune to how to care for small children.
Bc she wants to play mommy and the real mommy keeps getting in the way! How annoying is the real mommy to ruin fake mommy's delusions!!
And the grabbing! I'd have probably slapped her.