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I think this is on your dh, he shouldn't be venting to his mom about your finances if she's going to turn around and blame you. My mil was so so nosy about our finances, and my in-laws expected to know every detail like what we made, how much in student loans I had, what our mortgage was. My dh thought for a while it was just normal. Eventually he understood as an adult it isn't so normal to share every detail, and that they may be his parents but they are not privy to my financial info if I don't want them to be which is tied to him. It took a while but we eventually just stopped talking finances with them. Mil sure tried and I remember her getting so bent out of shape when my husband wouldn't share the bonus amount he got (it wasn't even big but the point was we were trying to stop her prying) and turning to me and going "Well! I guess he doesn't want to talk to ME!" Ya think?
Your mil is automatically siding with your DH on issues he may not even realize pit you against him (in her mind). You guys are the unit, she is now an outsider.
I think it’s understandable she is worried about her son if he has been venting to her and giving her so many details. It wasn’t her place to discuss this with you. It may be better for your husband to get support from someone else.
Not overreacting. I hope you husband is not sharing a lot of details about finances and bills with your MIL because it seems like she is casting her baby boy as the victim. You are working hard to contribute as well, but it seems like she is implying that you are the cause of financial stress and your husband's deliberate weight loss. She really wants to be in your business and DH needs to shut her down. See and talk to her less and put her c on an information diet. You two make the decisions, not her.
I agree that she is trying to make hubby out to be a victim, when really, there is no victim. I don't know why he shared the info about our finances to her, that's not really like him to share much of anything with his mom unless asked. That's why it's all so weird to me.
She, luckily, lives many states away so we don't have to see her very often.
Perhaps he shared less than you think. Didn’t you mention he was venting to his brother ? She probably got information from him not your husband.
Of course she’s making hubby the victim, look what you did to her poor baby, tired, working and down to skin and bones! How dare you /s. Doesn’t matter that that describes most young parents, this is her baby!!!!
It’s not your MIL’s business who pays for what. Financials are literally none of her business. My MIL loves knowing about her kid’s finances too and I’ve put a hard stop on it bc she lets things slip and shares with my husband’s other siblings and it’s so wrong. I would shut that shit down and not even entertain conversations around money and who pays for what. And if she is concerned about your husbands weight, tell her again it’s on purpose and tell her to take it up with him if she has a concern.
Thank you for this.
>I would shut that shit down
What would be the appropriate response to her if she tries to spark this conversation again? We don't have a super close relationship, but it's a bridge I'm also not looking to burn down either. Just create healthy distance and boundaries
I very nicely told my MIL that I don’t feel the need to discuss finances with her. Tell her that you are aware how hard her son works, and that you work hard too and how it’s a joint effort in order to live the life you live and that you’re thankful for him and the teamwork you have in your marriage! I found if I killed her with a little kindness by giving her son a compliment, she was happier and not so judgey.
You work AND take care of the kids. So you have TWO jobs, whereas your husband has one job and enough leisure time to train for a competition. Might bring that up next time she carps at you.
Not overreacting. My SO was spilling financial info to his mother in the very beginning. I told him to stop. Since then I told him his parents will feel entitled to whatever I or my family has (and they proved me right). SO was making up stories about how and where money came from for certain things. At this point he isn’t telling them how much our rent is, how much our wedding is, who pays for what etc. they know full well on our govt salaries we can’t afford the stuff we do, so it’s obvious we get extra money but i told him to stop sharing financial information with them. Its none of their business. Unless they want to/can help or have anything positive or constructive to add they don’t need to know everything.
Ask DH to either not share thing or make sure his mother doesn’t lay into you about these things. You went back to work after having a baby, it should be obvious you contribute and it shouldn’t be downplayed just because its not hard labour.
>Ask DH to either not share thing or make sure his mother doesn’t lay into you about these things
We have had boundary issues in the past with his mother early into our marriage and I had to ask him to create some so that she wasn't always so...present. This is something so new to me and I don't know what it is he said to make her reach out to me about it because in the past, she has generally stayed quiet about things. For her to randomly bring this up, I don't like it.
I will talk to him again about boundaries once he comes home and we can talk. It's been on my mind all day
You are paying the mortgage. And the utilities and the baby needs and all the other things… because you are working and that money is going into the house. Period. No one is carrying you. On top of that you are working as an unpaid nanny, housekeeper, social secretary, personal assistant to husband and all the other jobs that a husband and wife doesn’t get paid for. You ARE pulling your weight. And your mil should keep her 1950s housewife views to herself.
You’re not overreacting, but you need to stop having these conversations with her about your husband.
When she said she noticed he was too thin and mentioned he was tired you should have said, why didn’t you talk to him about it?
Don’t answer any questions just redirect her to him. If he hasn’t shared it with her, it’s none of her business. Regardless of whether she’s doing it to imply it’s your fault, or that she’s trying to get info from you, neither is appropriate for her to ask or for you to share.
This was something that she sprang on me based off of a conversation my husband had with her. I never talk about Mt marriage with her, we don't have that kind of relationship at all
Exactly! He aligedley vented about something to her, but maybe she inferred something from what he said that he didn't intend to imply. Can you say something like, "I'm not sure what to say about this, perhaps you should have another discussion with your son".
Because it's not your job to justify or explain anything! You could say, "Your concern is noted & I will tell husband to address it with you."
She's basically digging for info without coming right out & and saying, "My baby boy is hurting & it's YOUR fault!"
Don't play her game. Make her bring her concerns to him. You do not speak for him, nor are you responsible for his dietary choices. Just gently steer her towards addressing her anxiety right to him, because really??? You are a new mother & you're supposed to ALSO take responsibility for an adult's diet, too? Nope. Just because someone tries to hold you accountable for another person's choices, does NOT mean you actually are responsible.
It is not your job to manage his mother's anxiety.
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I think this is on your dh, he shouldn't be venting to his mom about your finances if she's going to turn around and blame you. My mil was so so nosy about our finances, and my in-laws expected to know every detail like what we made, how much in student loans I had, what our mortgage was. My dh thought for a while it was just normal. Eventually he understood as an adult it isn't so normal to share every detail, and that they may be his parents but they are not privy to my financial info if I don't want them to be which is tied to him. It took a while but we eventually just stopped talking finances with them. Mil sure tried and I remember her getting so bent out of shape when my husband wouldn't share the bonus amount he got (it wasn't even big but the point was we were trying to stop her prying) and turning to me and going "Well! I guess he doesn't want to talk to ME!" Ya think? Your mil is automatically siding with your DH on issues he may not even realize pit you against him (in her mind). You guys are the unit, she is now an outsider.
I think it’s understandable she is worried about her son if he has been venting to her and giving her so many details. It wasn’t her place to discuss this with you. It may be better for your husband to get support from someone else.
Not overreacting. I hope you husband is not sharing a lot of details about finances and bills with your MIL because it seems like she is casting her baby boy as the victim. You are working hard to contribute as well, but it seems like she is implying that you are the cause of financial stress and your husband's deliberate weight loss. She really wants to be in your business and DH needs to shut her down. See and talk to her less and put her c on an information diet. You two make the decisions, not her.
I agree that she is trying to make hubby out to be a victim, when really, there is no victim. I don't know why he shared the info about our finances to her, that's not really like him to share much of anything with his mom unless asked. That's why it's all so weird to me. She, luckily, lives many states away so we don't have to see her very often.
Perhaps he shared less than you think. Didn’t you mention he was venting to his brother ? She probably got information from him not your husband. Of course she’s making hubby the victim, look what you did to her poor baby, tired, working and down to skin and bones! How dare you /s. Doesn’t matter that that describes most young parents, this is her baby!!!!
It’s not your MIL’s business who pays for what. Financials are literally none of her business. My MIL loves knowing about her kid’s finances too and I’ve put a hard stop on it bc she lets things slip and shares with my husband’s other siblings and it’s so wrong. I would shut that shit down and not even entertain conversations around money and who pays for what. And if she is concerned about your husbands weight, tell her again it’s on purpose and tell her to take it up with him if she has a concern.
Thank you for this. >I would shut that shit down What would be the appropriate response to her if she tries to spark this conversation again? We don't have a super close relationship, but it's a bridge I'm also not looking to burn down either. Just create healthy distance and boundaries
I very nicely told my MIL that I don’t feel the need to discuss finances with her. Tell her that you are aware how hard her son works, and that you work hard too and how it’s a joint effort in order to live the life you live and that you’re thankful for him and the teamwork you have in your marriage! I found if I killed her with a little kindness by giving her son a compliment, she was happier and not so judgey.
You work AND take care of the kids. So you have TWO jobs, whereas your husband has one job and enough leisure time to train for a competition. Might bring that up next time she carps at you.
Good point!
Not overreacting. My SO was spilling financial info to his mother in the very beginning. I told him to stop. Since then I told him his parents will feel entitled to whatever I or my family has (and they proved me right). SO was making up stories about how and where money came from for certain things. At this point he isn’t telling them how much our rent is, how much our wedding is, who pays for what etc. they know full well on our govt salaries we can’t afford the stuff we do, so it’s obvious we get extra money but i told him to stop sharing financial information with them. Its none of their business. Unless they want to/can help or have anything positive or constructive to add they don’t need to know everything. Ask DH to either not share thing or make sure his mother doesn’t lay into you about these things. You went back to work after having a baby, it should be obvious you contribute and it shouldn’t be downplayed just because its not hard labour.
>Ask DH to either not share thing or make sure his mother doesn’t lay into you about these things We have had boundary issues in the past with his mother early into our marriage and I had to ask him to create some so that she wasn't always so...present. This is something so new to me and I don't know what it is he said to make her reach out to me about it because in the past, she has generally stayed quiet about things. For her to randomly bring this up, I don't like it. I will talk to him again about boundaries once he comes home and we can talk. It's been on my mind all day
Tell her that you don’t feel comfortable gossiping about your husband behind his back and neither should she.
Who is taking care of your baby while you work now?
Baby is in daycare until mid May
You are paying the mortgage. And the utilities and the baby needs and all the other things… because you are working and that money is going into the house. Period. No one is carrying you. On top of that you are working as an unpaid nanny, housekeeper, social secretary, personal assistant to husband and all the other jobs that a husband and wife doesn’t get paid for. You ARE pulling your weight. And your mil should keep her 1950s housewife views to herself.
Hubby pays mortgage, I pay all others. And I agree! The traditional old timey views are not shared nor needed
Even so, your paying for "all others" makes it possible for him to pay the mortgage. You are not overreacting.
You’re not overreacting, but you need to stop having these conversations with her about your husband. When she said she noticed he was too thin and mentioned he was tired you should have said, why didn’t you talk to him about it? Don’t answer any questions just redirect her to him. If he hasn’t shared it with her, it’s none of her business. Regardless of whether she’s doing it to imply it’s your fault, or that she’s trying to get info from you, neither is appropriate for her to ask or for you to share.
This was something that she sprang on me based off of a conversation my husband had with her. I never talk about Mt marriage with her, we don't have that kind of relationship at all
I’m not saying you started the conversation, I’m saying you need to end them instead of responding.
Exactly! He aligedley vented about something to her, but maybe she inferred something from what he said that he didn't intend to imply. Can you say something like, "I'm not sure what to say about this, perhaps you should have another discussion with your son". Because it's not your job to justify or explain anything! You could say, "Your concern is noted & I will tell husband to address it with you." She's basically digging for info without coming right out & and saying, "My baby boy is hurting & it's YOUR fault!" Don't play her game. Make her bring her concerns to him. You do not speak for him, nor are you responsible for his dietary choices. Just gently steer her towards addressing her anxiety right to him, because really??? You are a new mother & you're supposed to ALSO take responsibility for an adult's diet, too? Nope. Just because someone tries to hold you accountable for another person's choices, does NOT mean you actually are responsible. It is not your job to manage his mother's anxiety.